Category Archives: Dreams

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Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The full moon is here and my dreams are becoming more memorable and intense. Additionally, I woke yesterday and my right shoulder was painful, like I messed up the rotator cuff. This morning the shoulder pain extends to the right side of my neck. 😦

When I went outside to the bus stop with my children I was blown away by how beautiful the moon was. The picture does not do it justice:

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The full moon this morning.

Dream: Visiting the Akashic Library

The dream began inside a library. A man was showing me a book. It looked like a normal book but when he touched it, it transformed into a gigantic scroll with pictures or pictographs all over it in shiny, gold. The scroll was about the height of a person and at least a foot thick. I can’t imagine anyone could lift it if they tried.

I was then shown how to use this scroll. I watched as a man went through double doors into a golden hued library with books from floor to ceiling in beautiful, honey oak book shelves. The room was long and narrow and had rectangular tables down the middle with only a few feet of walking space on either side. Each table had a single, golden lamp in the center. The room was illuminated by more light than the lit lamps could put off, though.

The man opened his book and a presence came to him. This presence was very big and filled the entire space. There was a sense that this presence knew ALL and there was much reverence in the man as he encountered it. I watched as the man was shown things that only he could see.

Later the man told me what he was shown. His eyes full of awe. He said something like, “I saw that my mom and dad have been with me through all my lives!” I received this information in pictures in my mind, so that is my best translation. I saw two people – one male and the other female – standing in my mind’s eye and knew they remained with the man always.

Then it was my turn. I walked into the library, book in hand. The doors sealed behind me. No one could enter while I was inside. I walked toward the bookshelf on the far wall and stared at it. I could see row upon row of books, all golden in color. I looked down at the book in my hand and opened it up. When I did I felt the immense presence of I AM – God, the Universe, the Creator. The entire room felt to be this presence and I felt so small in comparison, though this didn’t bother me.

I heard, “What do you want to know?” It was not a booming voice, just a regular, masculine voice coming from the direction of the book. I looked down at it and thought, “Nothing” but at the same time I wanted to be shown what I needed to know. Three sentences appeared in front of me and I knew to select one. They were all things I have done in life that I felt ashamed of. I picked one related to sexuality. The comment I heard in return is lost to me now but it was not judgmental.

Then the book’s pages morphed into a black vastness. In the center at a distance I could see two, tiny orange-gold spheres rotating around one another.

I turned away from the book and leaned against the bookshelf. The voice continued to talk to me. I only remember now that we talked about what I wanted to know and that I told him I already knew everything I wanted to know. The voice nudged me for more and I finally said, “I just want to go Home!” I was overcome with emotion, my entire core felt to spasm from it. The tears did not bring me to full awareness, though. What I remember most is the feeling of separation that comes with this body and the resulting homesickness. I’m glad the emotion did not break through to my waking consciousness.

While I was crying the voice continued to communicate with me. Mostly, my memory is of flashes of imagery. My spiritual progression in this lifetime was shown next to the progression of the man who I had just witnessed go into the library. His progression was a huge wave that peaked, fell off abruptly and evened out; he learned everything all at once it seemed. My progression was intermittent; composed of smaller, more steady, intense waves of growth that plateaued, looking like small mesas. I remember being told that my intermittent progression was purposeful so as to not overwhelm. I understood this but didn’t like hearing it because I knew I had further to go still and that meant longer in this body and in separation. To me, the man’s progression seemed better.

I do not know who the man was/is. My best guess is he is connected to me somehow, but how is unclear. I don’t remember seeing him, either.

Our communication began to bring me to full lucidity. I could feel the I AM presence and this heightened my awareness even more. The feeling is hard to describe. It was like I was being pulled into the energy, merging with it. The voice indicated that I should stay focused but just hearing that caused me to shift further into waking reality. I knew if I stayed I would be shown more, things that I needed to see/know. It felt like all of everything could be witnessed there in that place and that I had been about to enter into a merged state.

Ultimately, I wasn’t ready to Know. I think I fear what will be revealed. I came back to waking reality, a male guide close by. A song was going through my head:

The part I was hearing was, “I don’t wanna know, know, know, know…” and “the more I drink, the more I think about you.” This confirms that I am avoiding something. The part about drinking is likely pointing out to me that I have been having a nightly glass of wine for the last two weeks.

I lingered in bed a while, the image of the two, orange-yellow spheres in my mind. I wondered if they were two suns orbiting one another (binary). Maybe a system somewhere far away? Or maybe they represented something else? But what? Home?

Dream: Bus

I tried to return to the library but couldn’t. Instead I entered a dream where I was standing with my kids in a cul de sac. The bus (going along with the crowd) came and I got on but the driver drove away, leaving my kids at the bus stop (setbacks). I asked why and he said another bus would come get them. This upset me but I sat down next to a black man. The bus was so crowded that I had to sit very close and ended up leaning up against him. He wrapped his arm around me. I questioned this and was told he was just protecting me. So I leaned into him more.

As the bus drove away I pestered the driver to go back and get my kids. The other passengers were against this. The bus stopped for a long while not moving. I got very upset then and began yelling at the driver. He finally returned but my kids were not at the stop anymore.

I exited the bus to get them. The man who I’d been leaning against grabbed onto the back of my jeans (need to relax) and pulled them up as if to give me a wedgie. I told him to stop, that they weren’t meant to be worn that high.

I could see kids had returned to the building/school and somehow ended up in a swimming pool (cleansing) soaking their clothes. They even got their towels wet.

Message

When I awoke from this dream I was a little upset. I was reminded how important my family is to me. We just bought a new minivan and I saw it as evidence of my wanting to keep my children close.

Memories of the earlier Akashic library dream were still with me. The sense was that I had been very close to something big and had turned away from it. There was more discussion at this time. I only recall now that I was told I would be celebrating another birth-day soon. It seemed that every progression or wave on my spiritual journey is a birth like this and that another was approaching.

 

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We’re ALL Soul Family

When I woke up this morning the first thought that came to my mind was, “We’re ALL soul family!” Then, “Here I have been pining away for my soul family, asking to be reunited with them, and the universe has obliged perfectly because my Earth family IS my soul family. Duh. Duh.”

That’s how the Law of Attraction works, you know. You have to be very specific about what you ask for and you have to make sure your definitions are accurate. Ha! The Universe does not judge or analyze your requests. It just accepts your energy/thoughts/intention and gives you exactly what you ask for.

Then next thought that came to me was about the “mob” or “caravan” of people migrating toward the southern boarder of the U.S. My reaction to this initially was upset, even anger and then maybe even some fear. Yesterday, I recognized this was not in line with my heart; that love and compassion was needed, not anger or fear. This morning, rather than thinking of how the U.S. should go to the boarder and “defend” our nation against this “mob”, I was thinking, “We should focus on the source of this problem. We should do something about the injustices in the countries these people are fleeing.” I had not even gone to bed thinking about this situation, yet when I woke it was right there as if I spent all night discussing it.

This change all goes hand-in-hand with the idea that we are ALL soul family. There is no “Us” and “Them”. Will I be at the boarder welcoming these immigrants? Probably not, but I think rather than putting up a fight, the U.S. should quickly organize a processing center, line those people up, get them their visas and let those that qualify, through. Grant them asylum and then focus long and hard on their countries of origin.

If you don’t like my thinking, sorry, but I just don’t see how pushing back with the military is going to do any good in the long-run. The world is in desperate need of a reckoning and I would rather it come with cooperation than be forced into it. Wouldn’t you?

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Dreams

Interestingly, in my dreams I spent most of the night with my cell phone communicating with one particular member of my soul family who I am feeling out of communication with. The start of the dream was me texting this person and not getting any response. But I still texted them. Most of this part of the dream involved me talking to myself about whether to text them and was full of doubt and uncertainty.

Eventually, I was in another country visiting other soul family, many I have met in real life and connected with via the internet. I was taking video of a ceremony in which a woman was being connected (merged) with her totem animal – the hummingbird. This reminded me of my friend and I contemplated texting them but decided not to since they had not been responding to my other texts. I watched as a tiny hummingbird came to this woman and then this pink flash of light transformed them both.

Then I was driving through the mountains of Wyoming with my son. I had my phone and was taking photos and video. Again, I thought of my friend, but rather than text them I focused on my son because he was right there with me and wanted to be. Did my friend? Not likely or they would have been there, right? I said to my son, “Look how beautiful the mountains are! We are in Wyoming.” I knew the exact spot, too, right off the interstate on the way to Montana. I had driven the route so many times that that particular area was ingrained in my memory.

The dream shifted and I was in a mansion with the same friends I had been with at the hummingbird ceremony. Among them was Yvonne and Sophia. Everyone had just awakened and my friend Yvonne was trying to get breakfast organized. My friend David was there with the group and walked past as I talked to her. I suggested we order out and so we all climbed into separate vehicles to get food. I climbed into an SUV with a mother and her two children.

The scene shifted. There was this dark complected man I did not know yet in the dream we did know each other. We were introduced by his daughter who told me it was his birthday. I said, “Wow. Today’s your birthday? You have the same birthday as my mom (October 15th)!” Then I remembered that he had said his birthday was earlier in the month (October 5th) and now he was saying it was couple of weeks after that. It was as if the entire month of October was his birthday.  I asked him why and his daughter said, “He doesn’t like anyone to know.” I remember thinking about the astrological sign of Libra at this time, too, considering it’s traits and tendencies.

I decided to lay down on the sofa because I was getting a strong feeling from the dark complected man that was overwhelming to me. I cannot put my finger on just what the feeling was but I remember knowing he had an interest in me as well. While laying on the sofa I closed my eyes, trying to stave off the feeling. I could sense other men in the room, all of them with the same intention on me, as if I had these men vying for my attention. I didn’t like it.

When I woke this song was going through my head:

This song is in line with a theme I have noticed for last few months: Fire and Water. It seems to indicate that I am overcoming the Water (emotion), burning it away and being the Fire that I am. Taking back my power, perhaps?

Considerations

In reflecting upon my above dream, it confirms something I have always felt about relationships. If someone wants to be in my life, they will be. If they care about me, they will reach out and respond when spoken to (or emailed). They won’t leave me hanging or wondering. The people who are currently in my life are there not only because I want them to be in some way, shape or form, but also because they want to be.

In my dream, I finally gave up on contacting my friend because I realized I had, right in front of me, someone (my son) who wanted to be in my life, who loved me and enjoyed being with me. I felt needed, loved and wanted by him. I saw no point in continually reaching out to someone who did not reciprocate.

Relationships take both people. They a reciprocal, not one-sided. It is beneath me to over-extend myself only to be denied, blocked, rejected for who I am and what I have to offer. Just my continually reaching despite being denied says that I feel unworthy in some way; that I need something another has to offer in order to be my whole self.

I’m not sure about the end of the dream regarding the man with the birthday and the feeling that overwhelmed me. My best guess is that the entire month of October has been a “birthday” for me and others; a celebration of our birth, of new opportunities ahead.

 

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A Lesson on Aging

Interesting lesson for contemplation presented to me last night and upon waking.

Dream: Fishing

The dream began on the side of a road. I could see the white gravel (practicality) as I sat upon a very tall bicycle (seeking balance) adjusting the handles. Only they weren’t handles but a steering wheel (control of direction in life) as if from a car. The steering wheel was too high up and I knew it was that way because my husband had been “driving” my bicycle (letting my husband have control).

When I stopped I held up a group composed of an adult and several kids, mostly boys, all on bicycles. I watched as they went around me and pedaled on their way down the road.

When my bike was adjusted I rode a very short while and then stopped again, this time by a large pond. When I got off my bike my bare feet touched rough rock that poked at my tender feet (discomfort). This rock was also white but bigger than the pebbles of the previous road.

Gathered by the pond (reflection) were the kids (youth) from earlier all with fishing poles in their hands. A mother was helping her daughter adjust her pole discussing what kind of bait to use. For some reason I saw at water level a bunch of white, striped fish (ideas) in the water. I commented about them saying we had put them in the pond and that they could be used as bait.

Then I was fishing (delving into subconscious), too, and cast out into the dark water. I was high up on a rocky ledge with the others trying to position a chair (need to contemplate something) but it kept slipping. I looked for lower ground, noticing there were families on the other side of the pond at water level. I opted to stay put when I saw a girl nearby catch a fish. Not long after, I caught one.

My fish was small and greenish black (insight from subconscious, something’s “fishy”). When I grabbed it to remove the hook, part of its back fin fell off (misguided, lack of direction). I realized it was too small (not living up to potential) and decided to throw it back. As I tossed it in, part of a section of it’s side fell off. In the water it laid on its side, dead, blood (disappointment) in the water around it.

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Dream: Depressed Bathtub

This dream began inside a house (soul/self). I was in the bathroom (cleansing) showing a woman how to remove water that had overflowed. I poured it into a laundry basket (abundance). Despite the basket being full of holes the water did not leak out. I then picked up the basket and poured the water out and made sure to use towels to soak up any remaining puddles so that the water didn’t leak down to the first floor.

Then, I noticed a bathtub below me. It was on the left side (feminine) of the bathroom and another tub was on the right. The floor I was standing on angled down toward the tub on the left and there was a drain built into the side. I realized I hadn’t needed to remove or soak up the water. To get into the tub you had to climb down a porcelain ladder built into the tile wall. I thought it cool but then maybe slippery and dangerous, especially for someone getting up in age. I remember wanting to take a bath or shower in the tub just to experience it.

Dream: Sexual Dysfunction Group

In this dream I was with a couple but I only recall talking to the woman and never saw either of them. We entered into a large room with many older people inside. Their ages ranged from mid-40’s to 80’s or higher. Everyone was gathered there and I knew they came often to meet up, mingle and find partners. It was like a silver singles meet and greet or something like that. lol I soon realized that all of the people in attendance were struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction that kept them from experiencing sexual intimacy as it was intended.

As I was shown around I felt a bit out of place because of my age and also because I had no sexual dysfunction. I looked at all the “old” people and tried to keep out of my mind imaginings of them naked and having sex. It was not something I wanted to imagine! lol I remember joking that it was a “geriatric” sex group and thinking that “geriatric” applied to anyone over the age of 50.

Whoever I was talking to was asking me questions to dig deeper into how I was feeling and what I thought. I recall having an entire dream within a dream about being in a home and walking in on a man who had just exited the shower. He was older and completely naked. I turned before I could see anything, shielding my eyes and apologizing. He stood behind me completely naked and unashamed.

There was a discussion about supplementation that could help with sexual dysfunction. Someone pointed out a rack in the center of the room and told me that those who ordered supplements picked them up from the rack. I could see the bottles, all marked clearly with people’s names so that anyone and everyone knew what kind of supplements were being purchased and why. I said, “I would never buy supplements from here and pick them up there! I would get them on my own and have them delivered.” I made a joke about how I would only buy Evening Primrose Oil anyway. I obviously felt uncomfortable and judged despite no one seeming to notice or care.

At this time I sat down on a soft sofa on the edge of the room and kept to myself, watching everyone else mingle and looking closely at their varying ages and physical condition. The room was laid out with sofas along the walls where people could sit closely and talk. Many were connecting and everyone was at ease except me.

I remember knowing what kind of sexual dysfunction the people there had. For example, one man had erectile dysfunction and was buying up supplements to fix that. And there was a woman close to my age sitting nearby who was struggling with some kind of sexual dysfunction. I think she couldn’t achieve orgasm. I felt sad for her being so young and struggling like that especially since she was one of the few younger people there. Seeing her made me feel even more out of place and I decided I for sure didn’t belong there!

Several men came and sat with me. One sat by me, grabbed my right hand and said, “That’s a nice one” and left. I looked down and saw a silver, marquis wedding ring but it was on the wrong hand. The one that lingered the longest had dark hair with streaks of gray in it that was somewhat long and disheveled. His body was lean and sinewy and the feeling coming off of him was intense and powerful. I pulled away, feeling a bit uncomfortable knowing he was checking me out as a potential partner while also feeling attracted to his powerful energy. He talked to me for a while but I only remember bits and pieces of our conversation. He was trying to get me to lighten up and stop being so judgmental/critical about “old” age. I knew he was in his 50’s and could not keep my thoughts from him. In fact, I think everyone there could hear everyone else’s thoughts. I think I called him “geriatric”, too, which was not nice but he didn’t take offense, just pointed out that I was only a decade younger than him (ha!).

During our conversation I shifted into a dimly lit scene. I believe I was inside a car but it was also a bicycle like in the first dream. Whatever we said caused me to feel very sensual and this is when the muted Kundalini entered the dream. What remains in my memory is a discussion about how older people can be sexual, too, and it is just as beautiful and erotic but can be much more intense and pleasurable because of the experience that comes with age. I think he was trying to convince me of this fact and he succeeded.

Biased

Not long after this I awoke with a warm feeling in my sacral and solar plexus. It was a nice feeling but not sexual. The man from the dream was still nearby and our discussion continued about age, sexuality and intimacy.

Our discussion brought to me a memory from last Sunday when I visited my Mom’s house. Her brother came for a visit and I remember thinking he looked really old. I realized he is 68 now and thought it sad that he had lost so much of his good looks. Yet he seemed happier than he’s ever been and was really pleasant as a result. He can very moody and serious (Scorpio). Still, though, it seemed a shame that his body was in such poor shape.

I suppose my reaction to my uncle spurred the dream and discussion. It is just a continuation from previous discussions I’ve had about growing older. Obviously, I perceive old age as unpleasant, limiting, and asexual. lol There are a lot of beliefs and judgments that need clearing such as: old people having sex is gross, old age brings limitation, old bodies are unattractive, old women “dry up”, old men have erectile dysfunction (lol), old people are senile, old people are useless, old people are a burden on society. OMG there are more even that that. 😦

There was discussion about my age and how I feel about it. I feel young still but close to losing what is left of my youthfulness. For some reason 50 seems to be the cut-off decade right now but I laugh because when I was really young, 30 was old and at one point 40 was old, too. LOL As a result of feeling my youth disappearing there is somewhat of a desperate feeling along with a sadness. I want to keep my youth but can’t. I don’t want to be old. I want my body to look like it does now. I am proud of my body and how well I’ve maintained it but at some point (my uncle is a good example) no amount of care and maintenance will stave off the deterioration that comes with old age. One day my body will likely resemble my Mom’s. What horror! lolol

Then I was directed to focus on the passion, fire and aliveness I’ve been experiencing with the Kundalini. Despite growing older I feel more alive and passionate than I ever have. I think it a shame that it came so late in my life. What a waste!, I think. This quote comes to mind:

George Bernard Shaw Quote: “Youth is wasted on the young ...

Then I was directed to the Kundalini, the fire and passion and bliss. Just remembering it brought the energy. It flooded my entire Being and I could not understand how I had gone so long in this life without ever experiencing it, without ever tapping into my own innate power. When I feel it, all I want is to remain within it, and feel propelled toward that single purpose. There is nothing else more important to me. The fact of this surprised me and I knew it would ultimately be the source of immense change in my life. But this Knowing didn’t scare me one bit.

I was asked to contemplate what I had been shown, to consider tossing my beliefs about old age and embracing the possibility that my life has just begun and does not have to be limited by the physical. I was asked to consider how I limit myself with these considerations; how I limit my potential and the potential of others. Just because I am growing older doesn’t mean I have to stop living.

In the end, it feels like someone in Spirit is guiding me to shift my perspective and has been for some time now. Whether this shift is ultimately meant to facilitate something else, is unknown, but I am suspicious. Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?

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Dreams of Transition

Yesterday was a beautiful day here in Texas. After over a week of rainy days we finally got to experience blue skies and Spring-like temperatures. I visited my mom’s house to celebrate her birthday. While I was there I took a long walk through the hills and captured photos of butterflies of all kinds. Many of them were attracted to me, landing on my shirt or flying up into my face.

Here are a few photos of my butterfly encounters:

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The energy lately has been intense according to others I know. Thankfully, these waves do not incite too many physical/emotional/mental symptoms for me these days. I have had some intestinal grumpiness for a few days and my right eye continues to gunk up making it hard for me to wear my contacts. Other than that, physically I am doing well.

My husband and I have been butting heads quite a bit lately. It seems to be a war of the wills. As usual, I tend to be the one to drop out. I haven’t the energy for it anymore. It just isn’t worth the stress. He continues to push despite this. It isn’t good enough for me to let him win, he has to force a reaction from me. Sigh. For example, this morning he let our middle son stay home from school just because his throat was sore. He didn’t take his temperature or anything despite knowing my son purposefully tries this to avoid school (what kid doesn’t?). I took his temperature and it was fine. If his throat does hurt it is likely allergies. My husband and I talked about it, him justifying his decision and me giving up quickly on trying to talk sense into him. Now my husband is trying to take my son to work as my son seems completely recovered (ha!). My husband knows I do not like rewarding staying home from school, so now he is doing just that.

I give up. Really. I am trying to get him to agree to a divorce and he keeps avoiding it. 😦

My dreams suggest I am seeking to protect myself from something. I don’t know how to feel about them.

Dream: Busted Bathroom

This dream began inside a school classroom (lessons). I can’t recall much except walking across the hall to retrieve my clothing after realizing I was butt naked (vulnerability). I wrapped a towel (need to confront something) around myself and waited until the bell rang and went over. The teacher was at the her desk and my clothes were in a heap on a student desk next to hers. I picked up my clothes and left quickly. The teacher hardly noticed me.

I walked down the hall and was joined by a very, very tall and very black man who spoke with an African accent. He asked me, “May I join you?” I nodded yes but kept my head down and my blue (sadness, need for guidance) towel tightly around me. He put his hand on my shoulder and pulled me closer to him as if he was taking ownership of me and we continued to walk down the hall.

At some point another woman was with me as I searched for a bathroom (cleansing). I don’t know what happened to the black man. When we found the bathroom entrance the doors to both were sealed shut with yellow tape across them. I walked around the corner and found another entrance.

Inside I had to push past a fake door and gained entry into the bathroom. It was all white tiles and at first I was relieved to have found it. Unfortunately, as soon as we went further in I noticed the tile on the floor was crushed as if from an impact (trauma). Similarly, tiles on the walls were crumbling. There was also water (emotion) pooled on the floor and dripping down the far wall. The woman with me suggested we leave because it felt like the bathroom might collapse on top of us. I told her to wait and hurried to put on my shirt noticing my jeans were already on. The jeans were those from the 80’s (past issues) – high waist, puffy and stone washed. I could feel the sharp tile on my bare feet (cutting/painful issues).

When I awoke a song was going through my head – Toad the Wet Sproket’s Walk on the Ocean.

“Somebody told me this is the place where everything’s better and everything’s safe….”

The song seems to indicate I am seeking a safe place, somewhere where “everything’s better and everything’s safe.” I always did love that song. 🙂

Dream: Missed Wedding

In this dream I was talking to someone wearing earbuds standing outside on a city street. The date was discussed and I realized I had missed my best friend’s wedding (transition). I couldn’t remember how, though, and struggled to come up with an excuse thinking my actions unforgivable.

Suddenly, I remembered my mom (aspect of self) had given birth (new beginnings, growth) to a baby boy on the 21st. The date was the day before the wedding (the 22nd) so I thought I could use it as an excuse even though I was not in attendance at the birth. I remember talking to my best friend and telling her about the birth while looking at photos of her wedding. Somehow she with her a newborn baby of her own. I watched her tending to it as I told her I could come clean her house as a gift and to help out. In my mind I was confused, though, not knowing whose baby was born, my mom’s or her’s.

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Healing Kundalini

I’ve been feeling a familiar feeling lately. It feels like something is coming. The feeling has been building. Sometimes I sense someone near me, like I am connecting to Spirit, but I am not sure it is Spirit. I feels more like timelines are crossed and as a result I am connecting with soul family somewhere else. It’s a telepathic connection, one I am experiencing more and more. It’s strange in a good way. I like it but it does require complete honesty, with self and others. It requires complete transparency; vulnerability. Most of all, it requires non-judgment. One must allow and embrace the experience or the connection is severed.

Last night I suspected something was up because I sensed a presence to my left. This is not unusual since my spiritual experiences from the get-to have involved mediumship. However, this ability has now morphed into telepathy and is not limited to those who have crossed over, or to guides and others of the spiritual plane. This presence was male and nonthreatening. I was not uncomfortable with his energy/presence.

This presence has visited before, though I have no name for him. I recognize how he feels. Every energy/individual has a specific feel about them, like energetic markers that distinguish them from others. All male energy feels similar but not all male individuals express it the same. The same goes with female energy.

I fell asleep with this male presence saying to me, “I will come to you.” Again, not surprising or concerning.

Dream: Class.com

How this dream began is cloudy now. What I recall is viewing the profile of a classmate on class.com while also talking to him while inside a large room with a stage in the center. It was like I was inside his profile, viewing his information which included details of his life from how many times he was married, the struggles and conflicts he faced, his career and financial situation, etc. It was very detailed! I could see the areas of his life where he allowed others in and the areas that were blocked. This was indicated by boxes one could select or deselect like you would see on a profile page. I was not clicking on anything, though, I was just viewing it all in my mind as he made comments and added clarity and detail.

In the dream I thought of him as a former high school classmate I knew, but I know he was not that person. He just looked similarly  – very tall with brown hair. I remember that he had been married three times, only one of those was considered a “good” relationship. He made an excuse about the number of times he had been married – like “I was young and dumb”.

Then he turned the whole thing around on me and began to view my profile. I was a bit embarrassed by this because I felt unprepared. I did not have near the details he did and it was obvious I had not updated it in a long time. My profile appeared as a large, scrapbook with pictures and information. The book was in my lap and I turned the pages as the man sat next to me commenting on it. He was very positive about it all, almost excited. I remember being embarrassed about a few things but he did not judge.

At one point the man took me on a tour of his home but all I recall about it is going outside onto his land. He told me he had inherited a large sum of money, enough to be secure the rest of his life. He bought a nice plot of land. It was beautiful with rolling hills and large oak trees. I remember telling him, “I almost bought property like this in Montana.” He said, “I am going to Montana!” I remember suggesting he rethink his decision. lol

Something I noticed was that his land was surrounded on all sides by apartment complexes (headed in the right direction in life). I commented on how unfortunate that was.

Then we went into a large, fancy restaurant (spiritual nourishment). It was circular (wholeness) shaped with windows (transparency) all around, like one of those rotating restaurants. I sat down with a female friend. Across the way I could see a man staring at us. The other woman, who looked a lot like me, said she knew the man. I believe he was the same man I had been with before only he looked much younger.

Then I was up walking around the perimeter of the restaurant. Inside the walls were small birds (ecstasy, balance, love). They were fascinating to me and I was distracted by them. So, I don’t remember much about this part of the dream.

Suddenly, I found myself outside in a parking lot (need to slow down). It was dark and very quiet. I was a bit disoriented not knowing if I was going out or in. I turned toward the building and walked inside into the lobby. I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked. I didn’t care, though, I was proud of my nakedness. The man from the restaurant came up to me, laughing and said something about my nakedness as he took a white tablecloth from a circular table and wrapped it around my naked body, pulling me toward him. I was close enough to see the details of his navy blue suit. He wrapped his arms around me and said, “Come to my bedroom tonight at 9.” I saw in my mind an image of a bedroom and felt his invitation throughout my entire body. I looked up at him and he kissed me passionately. A blissful energy shot through me and I completely surrendered to it. I remember thinking to him, “You know, I’m married….” lol After that I thought, “Of course, he does…”

When I woke the energy was still moving through my physical body. The man from the dream was communicating with me as I woke. I don’t remember much here except not being able to think properly. The bliss tends to freeze up my mind completely. He did say, “You need to slow down. You’re not ready yet.”

There is also this sense similar to how one feels when they are a virgin – completely new to the experience, trusting and curious. In moments of connection like this, I tend to open up completely, without fear – totally naked and vulnerable like my body appeared in the dream. In fact, I think my nakedness in the dream represented my openness to this man. He covered me in an attempt to mitigate the intensity of our connection, but I still felt it.

Two songs came to mind, one after the other, both by INXS (which I find odd). The first song lyrics were:

I’m lonely……..
So slide over here
And give me a moment
Your moves are so raw
I’ve got to let you know
You’re one of my kind

The second song lyrics were:

I was standing
You were there
Two worlds collided
And they could never tear us apart

The telepathic message was that we knew each other, were connected somehow, and that he could not wait to meet me. It felt so real, like he was right in the room with me. I can’t describe it anymore than that. There is so much more to these connections than I was aware of. Every time I experience them I am blown away.

Eventually his presence receded but not before my entire body was hit with waves of bliss. As his energy departed my heart chakra stung, as if a blockage was opening. He told me I wasn’t ready yet. I understood this to mean I have some blockages that still need to clear. I also understood that he was helping to heal them.

Dream: Hawaii

I fell back to sleep and had more odd dreams. One began with me laying on a blanket in a back yard. I could see the stars above me and knew I had been sleeping there for a few nights. I thought it odd that I was sleeping outside on the ground like that and thought of some friends who would find that appealing. In that moment I preferred to sleep there.

I got up and noticed the back porch had children’s coats (protection) all over the top of it. I told someone they should take them down before it rained and ruined them all. My daughter climbed up and got her coat.

Then I was at a resort in Hawaii (relaxation/leisure). It was dark outside. I traveled from the third floor to the second where the pool was. I had with me my phone camera but it was the old kind with film inside that you had to wind after each photograph. I could not get a good shot of the morning sky because the sun had not come up yet. One the way back I attempted to look at my pictures but they were all very old photos from other times in my life.

I remember walking over rocks (shaky ground), past a swimming pool (cleansing) and back to the top floor (higher level of consciousness). The stairs (progress) were crossed with roots and vines (emotion holding me back). I thought there was no way an older person could navigate it. When I made it to the top the owner was there. He was quite critical. He said, “You cost me too much!” I just watched as he struggled to navigate the stairs and said, “See! Even you can’t climb them!”

Then I was outside. It was daytime. In my arms I carried several tiny kittens (transition phase in life). They were squirming. I set them down with their litter mates. I saw lots of fluff and fur. Beside them I saw very tiny baby mice (insignificant matters). Fascinated, I commented on how tiny and colorful they were and how odd that the kittens weren’t eating them. I was told, “They are friends.”

Then the man from before walked past me. He said to me, “You cost too much!” He had around him a ball of hair clippings (loss of strength). The snippets of hair was falling off as he walked. I thought it odd.

 

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Sudden Purge

Unexpected emotion this morning. When I woke I thought, “I’m not going to work today.” Instantly, I remember saying to a co-worker yesterday, “For some reason it feels like Friday.” At the time I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be at work the next day but I pushed the thought out of my mind. Crazy that I had perceived my own future like that!

So I am working from home today, avoiding people and sitting with this morning’s experience. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not. Whatever the case, I am in the midst of another purge. Not sure how long it will last this time around.

Dream: TX to AK Transplant

This dream is mixed up a bit. There were images and memories from my two different lives merging into one.

I was talking to someone about writing a new blog. The main focus of the conversation was what to call it. The new blog was about my time in Alaska. I went through several names but finally came up with Texas to Alaska Transplant. This part of the dream was much longer but memory of it is mostly me mulling over what to write with images of paragraphs of words, some highlighted in blue. I focused on the words and read some, but can’t recall them now, of course.

The dream shifted at some point, probably while I was reading what I wrote. I had moved to Alaska with my husband (ex). It was mid-summer and I remember turning to him to tell him I couldn’t face another winter there. I was very serious and sad. The pain from that time in my life was evident. There is vague memory of being inside a car or train and seeing the landscape through the window, a blur of color as it passed by.

Then I was inside a dark room. All I recall are faces here. Some were faces from my present life – my sister-in-law was one of them, my mother another. I heard my husband mention that he was living with his cousin (likely my sister’s situation bleeding through here). I saw a visual of him standing next to my SIL, his half-sister (so not his cousin). With them was another woman, another family member, I couldn’t place. I knew we were all getting up there in years and that the reason for living with family was to help one another in our old age. This is likely a bleed-through from my current life. My mother-in-law’s siblings all live together in their childhood home, all except her that is.

Still, firm on my decision to leave, I turned toward the south. In front of and under me was a giant map of U.S. I was positioned over Alaska and my focus was on the southeastern U.S. I knew I was 60 years old. I felt my real family calling me and that is where I intended to go. In my mind I was sad that it had taken so long for the call to come through. At the same time I was thinking, “At least I get this time with him. It’s better than nothing.” The time felt very short but I didn’t care.

Then I was standing in front of a counter discussing Alaska with a woman. I saw in my mind the weather forecast. There was a map of AK and the entire state had rain (sadness, crying). In the northwest were blobs of white where it was freezing (frozen emotion). I remember thinking it was not good to have so much rain when the temperatures were dropping. It would make the roads very icy. I decided not to go wherever it was I had planned to go.

The woman and I were talking about something very serious. I was upset, the emotion just under the surface. She offered me a large, oblong, violet purple (compassion, kindness) pill (healing). She said, “I have to warn you about the side-effects. It will make your butt (struggle with some situation) and knees (feeling inadequate, weak, emotional and in need of support) hurt.” I said apathetically, “My butt already hurts all the time.” I put the pill in my mouth. The woman said, “It’s a gray area. Some people don’t experience any side-effects.” I responded with, “Knowing me, I will have them all.”

Memories all tumbled one upon the other then along with a sense of time stretching out endlessly with no reprieve in sight. As I viewed the life I had lived I was very disappointed. The feelings were the most difficult to swallow. I felt so dead inside, so numb despite the upheaval I had gone through. It felt like my life was never my own. I knew I could do so much better. I heard a man say to me, “It was a good life.”

Sudden Emotion

When I woke I was crying. The emotions I was feeling were there but they seemed hollow, like they weren’t even mine. I allowed them, crying in heaving sobs. Some of the thoughts I was having was about how unfair life was. Specifically, I was thinking about how, when I finally found my Home, I could not have it. Home felt to be a person, but that person didn’t want me. It seemed like my dream was suggesting a time would come when I could go Home, but it wasn’t until my 60th year. Being that is so, so far in the future, I agonized over the wait, sure I would not be able to last that long. I agonized at the loss of my youth as well.

I remember hearing a male voice say, “You remember…..” in response to the agony I was feeling. So much was going on inside that it is hard to know what exactly I was crying about. Some of it seemed to be recalling my time in Alaska, the extreme loneliness and wishing for death I had at that time. Some of it seemed to be my current life circumstances. And then some seemed to be a return to the decimated feeling of loss I experienced the end of in 2016.

A song was going through my head on repeat. The words, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead….”

I wonder now if the song is a reflection of the hurt my ex-husband felt after I left? Maybe I was experiencing his pain, not mine, in that regard? He did not want a divorce. He told me when I left that he would never love anyone else like he loved me. For years after we divorced he would call me out of the blue, often in the middle of the the night, sometimes drunk, sometimes in tears (or both). He did this despite being newly remarried.

One time, my current husband and I met up with him in Dallas. He got to meet my two oldest children. My middle son was a toddler at the time. I remember saying to him, “I never thought I would see you again.” I felt completely fine seeing him, no upset or regret. He looked the same, just sadder. He told me later he needed that closure and he was happy I was happy, that I got the family I wanted. I haven’t heard from him in four years.

With the above consideration I felt guilt. Guilt for choosing to walk that path with my ex while knowing all along it would not result in anything substantial. I lied to myself and suffered for it. I lied to him and he suffered for it. All for the sake of security. Fear does that.

That was my first life. It doesn’t even feel like mine now.

As for this current life, it feels similar in some ways. I am not as bad off as I was when in Alaska, thankfully. But I still feel the loneliness. It is a deep ache that originates at my core made worse for knowing that the antidote exists and is within my reach. Only I can’t have it yet because it is linked to another and they have to want it as much as I do for it to work.

So yeah, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I hear, “Sometimes it hurts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.” Double the hurt for me. What goes around comes around.

As I write this the emotion continues. So glad I chose to stay home from work. It’s gonna be a long day.

 

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Message: 11/11 Convergence

It’s been an odd couple of days. Yesterday I was a bit grumpy and irritable – definitely in “I’m not taking any shit” mode. Mostly I was standing up for myself and not allowing others to make me feel guilty for who I am (personality-wise).

My specific upset yesterday was with my husband and his tendency to force me into situations that I dislike. I tend toward introversion, though I can be very extroverted at times, but I need lots of space and time alone, especially before and after lots of socializing. My home is my sanctuary, so I don’t like visitors without enough time to process and prepare for them. My husband is extroverted and likes to invite family and friends over and does so, often without asking/telling me. Yesterday he wanted us to have a bunch of family over. I was against it and wanted to move it to the weekend (more time to prepare). He got very upset and tried to convince me that something is wrong with me for not liking people, for not wanting to be social, etc. I was not having it. Nothing is wrong with me. We are just different and that is OK.

In-between this argument that seemed to last all day (plus we work together lol), there was a sense of the coming “storm” that I have been warned about since the summer. First there was hurricane Michael, which I predicted would hit Florida when it was in it’s early stages down in the Gulf. And now there is major flooding in Central Texas (where I live) that is devastating communities. Not only is this happening in the US, but there have been other devastating climate-related disasters (typhoons) in the East. I can’t help but wonder if this is part of the “storm”? The physical Earth-part anyway and all of involving flooding….Flooding, emotion, deep-cleansing…hmmm

My dreams lead me to believe that the “storm” is related to the rise of the Divine Feminine. I know I feel very strong, powerful and defiant right now. I am reminded of the World War II poster below:Image result for WWII poster of woman

I think collectively women have reached a point where they are fed up and finally willing to push back. Perhaps that is also what planet Earth is doing with all the natural disasters? Mother Earth is saying, “NO MORE!”

Dream: 11/11 Convergence

This dream seemed to take place in a void. I remember seeing mostly black as if looking up into space. My husband was sitting next to me. It seemed like we were at an astrological consult/reading. A masculine voice was telling us about an upcoming event. In my mind I saw a calendar focused in on the month of November. It seemed like a long time away, like a year in the future. I said, “11/11. Isn’t that the Harmonic Convergence or something?” The voice said, “You know what is coming.” I said, “It’s one of those astrological things. I can never remember what they are called.” Then I said, “11/11, the time for action- when we put to use all we’ve learned.” I thought for a bit and said back to the masculine voice, “But wait. We are doing that now, aren’t we?” I looked at my husband as if telling him this. He didn’t seem to know what was going on.

I only remembered this dream after waking up feeling down and pessimistic. My guide said, “Remember….” and then I remembered the dream. Perhaps the dream is a message about a convergence – becoming Whole – in the future? It felt like 11/11 is in 2019, not this year based upon how far in the future the visual seemed in the dream. I guess we’ll see.

Dream: Weave Dancer

In this dream I was part of a group of young women who were learning to weave (put together pieces, look at the whole) dance (learning to let go), at least that is what I’m going to call it. The “dance” consisted of women dancing and twirling as they held what resembled beaded, shiny ropes that seemed to have no end. If you have ever heard of the Maypole, it looked a lot like that but without the pole and using fabric and beads of gemstone. The result of the dance was an intricate braided artwork that was strung across the entire room like a giant spider’s web of colored fabric and gemstones.

I sat with other women and listened as it was explained what we were to do. I felt it would be too difficult and that I was too old. All the women seemed much younger and youthful than me. I watched a young women dance and twirl gracefully with her braided (courage) pieces of colored fabric. It was beautiful and magical.

As I began to dance (freedom) with the beaded fabric the wall next to me morphed and moved. I was walking up the wall and onto the ceiling, moving along with the wall. I was afraid at first but focused on my dancing and weaving. The wall/floor was white and smooth, my beaded fabric a rainbow of colors twisting and turning into amazing patterns. I never fell or stumbled because I focused on my weave dancing and not on the fear.

Afterward the other young woman was upset because she couldn’t find a piece for her weaving. I picked up a tiny model of something (house maybe?) and showed her the pieces she was looking for on it and said, “Just use these.” The pieces resembled long, white staffs or rods that were flexible. They may have actually been crochet hooks. I took one off and handed it to her. The structure was not compromised.

Then we were going to get a bite to eat. I stood in line and told the lady that I wanted beets (success and abundance) and pointed to them. They were cut into long slices. She placed several on my plate, one like a parsnip. Then I told her I wanted pizza (abundance, variety, choices), too, and she placed a couple of slices on my plate. Another lady placed a large piece of white cake (acceptance of rewards for hard work) on my plate. I said, “I didn’t…” and she began to remove it and then I laughed and told her to leave it thinking how odd my dinner of beets, pizza and cake was.

Dream Snippet

Dreamed one of my front teeth – the incisor – was loose. I tugged on it and it came out but did not hurt (something I thought difficult turns out not to be). Blood (life, passion, disappointments) gushed from the wound and I held a napkin to my mouth. I told a man that I had lost my tooth. I looked in the mirror and the gap was barely noticeable. I wondered why I lost it.

Music Message

When I woke this morning a song was going through my head –  Natural by Imagine Dragons. I just heard, “Yeah you’re a natural….” It was hard to get out of my head this morning. I was singing it as I made breakfast. lol

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Ghost

Another theme/message I’ve been getting lately is: ghost.

Yesterday I woke with a song from the movie Ghost – Unchained Melody – on my mind. I didn’t really think much of it at the time. I think it triggered something on a subconscious level, though.

Dream: Ghost Kiss

The dream began inside a very large school (life lessons) that reminded me of high school but it was not likely any high school I have been to in life. It was very high tech with neon lights and streamers, flashing signs, and areas with high counters that would stretch the entire length of the hall. It seemed like a weird mix of movie theater (viewing from a distance/detachment), hotel lobby (seeking to make something known), and laser tag game room (seeking excitement). lol

I was with a group of students. We had just arrived and I had a feeling of being rushed, like I was late. Everyone was milling about and I don’t remember much of what was said now. I had with me a book with many pages. I knew it was my book (knowledge, potential), that I had written it. It was thin with a glossy pages resembling a pamphlet.

We didn’t seem to be going to any classes despite it being a school. Instead we milled about for a while, watching the other students. I remember needing to go and retrieve my bag and walking through various vendor lines looking for it. I was irritated by all the lines to various vendors selling distractions, such as the newest technology or gadgets, to the students. I kept having to wind around the long lines of students who were oblivious to their surroundings. Eventually I inquired about where I could find my bag. A man behind a counter told me he could get it for me, that it had been put with the other bags and tagged with my information. He retrieved it and handed it to me. It looked like a insulated lunch box (preparing for important event, stored energy).

I headed back to my group and commented on the distractions I witnessed. My irritation was high and I had that familiar feeling I get when I have been in a large crowd. I just want to get far away and breathe for a bit.

At one point everyone was asked to locate their partner. I remember that the girls were the boys, pointing out which ones were their partners. I was asked about mine and I said I was still waiting on him. I got out my book and flipped through the pages, showing the other girls what was written on them. I don’t remember seeing words, though, just images in vivid color. Toward the end of the book the images got less and less solid as if the book was not completely finished.

There was a young, light haired man who came around during this time. He seemed interested in me despite my focus on my book and partner.

When I got to the last few pages of the book it morphed into a scene that played out as if a movie. My partner was on a bicycle (seeking balance), one foot on the ground, the other on a pedal as if he had just arrived. I could see his face clearly and focused upon it, trying to get a good look at him. I could see all his features and remember thinking he looked different but I wasn’t sure how.

I remember talking to someone about the images as I watched them. I saw the man get off his bicycle and rush over to me. We embraced and kissed passionately. The images were not solid; I could see right through them. I played the scene over and over, focusing on the embrace and kiss. When we kissed our faces melted together so that I could not make out his face from my own. This part specifically seemed to play on repeat.

The man I was talking to seemed to want me to turn my focus to him but I was immersed in the pages of my book. The ghostly images were still playing as I woke.

The song The Spectre was going through my mind as I awoke. All at once I remembered the ghost reference from the night before.

Considerations

The sense from the dream as I awoke is that I am being “haunted” by a ghost of what was and what could be. My focus on the could’ve been’s and maybe’s is keeping me from seeing the other opportunities available to me right now.

I am feeling very similar to how I’ve felt in the past which is likely part of my healing. It’s another lesson in letting go. Another lesson in acceptance. There is a sense of nothingness ahead, of having no particular path and no interest in finding my path. I feel somewhat lost and purposeless. There is boredom and apathy. There is sadness and despair. There are considerations resurfacing such as – my death would be good for those around me because it would keep them from being further hurt by me. And – I am tired of this life experience and want to go Home. There is avoidance of doing what needs to be done because of how difficult it will be. At the same time there is a raging fire pushing me to act in ways that would escalate the pain and hurt, me being the primary perpetrator.

No one likes to be the bad guy.

I see the road ahead of me and it is the same as always. I don’t see any intersections or options to shift paths, at least not any paved ones. The road feels endless and bleak, kind of like traveling a long, straight highway through endless desert and rock that go on forever. No mountains. No river valleys. No spectacular views. No wildlife. No people of interest. No cities or towns to stop and rest at. Nothing.

And I feel so old now. My youth wasted on fear.

 

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Cougar

More strange dreams and visions last night.

Vision – Cougar

I had a very close-up encounter with a mountain lion/cougar. I was face-to-face with it. There was no message with it, no sense of fear or awe, just the encounter. I did not see it’s entire body, just it’s face. When I came out of my reverie my thought was that it was beautiful.

This is the second cougar encounter I’ve had. The first was a dream not long ago where I saw a cougar in my grandmother’s garden. I was not afraid of it then, either.

I am reminded of a real life encounter I had with cougar. It was years ago when I lived in Montana. There was this particular route my ex-husband and I use to hike, and sometimes cross country ski, in the mountains. At the time he was hunting elk during bow season. I always went with him even though I didn’t hunt. I enjoyed hiking the beautiful terrain and took every opportunity I could to get close to a herd of elk.

Early on in the hike my ex told me, “Don’t move.” He said it in such a way that I froze on the spot. He then pointed to the ridge. I looked up and saw a mountain lion staring back at us. She was the same color as the grass, so well camouflaged that I would never have seen her had he not pointed her out. I don’t remember being afraid, but excited. She was really close, even closer through the scope of the rifle. Eventually she left and we went on our way. My ex reassured me telling me they don’t usually attack full grown humans. Still, I was looking behind me for a while after that. lol

I looked up the symbolism of the cougar. This is what I discovered:

Your coming into your power
Take charge, step-up and show your strength
Set clear intention to navigate your path
Lead by example
Do not force others to follow
Key words: courage, opportunity, assertiveness, action

All of the above reflect what I have been feeling/intuiting lately. I have been feeling especially ferocious, like the Lion in me is ready to tear up whatever stands in my way. For example, yesterday we took our kids to a local hamburger place, Hat Creek. While sitting at one of the long, picnic style booths, a woman stood behind my husband waiting for him to move. She was waiting maybe 1 minute and said something in a quiet voice to him. The room was very noisy so he didn’t hear her until maybe the third time she spoke. He moved, smiling, but as she passed him by she rolled her eyes at him. He didn’t see it but I saw it. OMG I was ready to attack that woman! LOL Instead I said as loud as I could, “Someone’s got an attitude problem.” She didn’t hear. It was too loud in there.

It took me a good 10 minutes to calm down. I kept watching the woman and her family and all these judgement were surfacing. I just let them pass and reminded myself to choose love instead. Despite this I ended up being critical of humanity itself as I watched the parents (75% of which were overweight or obese) feed their children fatty, greasy foods. I fantasized about passing out the nutrition information of the food there to everyone, asking if they knew what they were eating and how it was affecting their health/body. I wondered how long it would take for someone to take offense or for the owners to escort me out. I looked down at my salad and then at my own kids who were rejecting their burgers, proud that I had at least taught my own children a bit about healthy choices.

So, yeah, feeling a bit fierce these days. 🙂 Even now, in recalling the whole situation, I want to go on and on about how screwed up Americans are, how self-indulgent, unhealthy, materialistic, etc, etc. You get the idea.

Similarly, I sense in myself an unwillingness to put up with shit in my life, specifically within my home. But there is also a patience that goes along with it that is keeping me from going overboard. I am grateful for that part because I tend to jump the gun when I get like this. I make quick decisions without first considering how those decisions might affect others. So, at least I am getting the part of the message that says, “Don’t force others to follow.”

Note: Just considered the slang meaning of “cougar” – a woman who seeks sex with significantly younger men. Gotta laugh about this. 

home_rxrefill

Dream – Doctor Visit

I had what seemed like a dream that lasted all night. In it I was first a doctor and then a patient. As the doctor (my ability to heal or help) I was a part of a team that was in the process of expanding. New doctors were coming on board. I observed the group get larger and was upset by the tendency of the other doctors to compete with one another. One of the first things these new doctors were told was, “We are all equals here. There is no need to try and outdo one another.” Yet they seemed not to get the message. I remember telling my coworker, “See? They are doing it (competing).”

As the patient I walked into a large clinic setting and met with a male doctor who seemed quite young. I believe I was pregnant (new potential) but can’t be certain. My initial exam revealed I had a very high heart rate – 371. When I first saw the number I didn’t think anything of it but then realized it was high. I asked, “Isn’t that kind of high?” He nodded and told me to wait while he consulted with someone.

When he left I decided to take a nap there on the table, knowing it would get my heart rate down. In my memory I see the numbers go down- 340, 200, 170 – and I kept telling myself, “You just need to relax. Relax.” This is lkely a real message from myself to myself.

Eventually I got up because I was feeling really drowsy and knew I needed to wake up. I went to a bathroom and took out my retainers (holding back) which I had been wearing the whole time. I noticed one of my top, middle teeth (concerned about losing control) was crooked. I pressed on it and shifted back into place really easily. Concerned, I put my retainer (seeking to hold back something) back in.

Then I heard a commotion from the other room. A door opened and two large dogs (protection, friendship, fidelity) were let in, one black and the other blonde. They were rowdy but friendly. One of the doctors shut the door without realizing I was inside with the dogs. I walked past the dogs and knocked on the door saying, “Hey, I’m in here.” They opened it.

Then the scene shifted and I was in a car (life path) heading toward a very special, invitation only gathering. When I arrived there was this sense that this was a very exclusive group of people who were involve in the occult. When I got inside the room was very dark but grande, resembling a castle. I was questioned several times about whether I belonged there. I told them I did. I was challenged to prove myself and shown two swords (strength, ambition, decisiveness, willpower), one on either side of the room. The swords were kept inside box-shaped cases attached to the platform on which I was standing. I saw them rise up out of their cases as if waiting to be wielded (ready to take back my power).

A man questioned my being there, saying I did not belong. A woman appeared out of thin air, as if a ghost or apparition. I only remember seeing her face hovering between the two sword cases. She had blonde hair (maybe another version of myself) and was very attractive. She told the others that I did belong and that she would not have it any other way. She challenged them to challenge her. No one did.

Music Message

When I woke a song was going through my mind, one I have not heard in ages. With it I thought, “Ghost.” I recognized the song went with the movie Ghost but in recalling my dream and the ghostly woman toward the end, I wonder what the purpose of this song really is.

Something about the song and dream made me feel hopeless. I know it is the waiting, the passage of so much time, that is the hardest. It makes me want to give up. Most of the time I am not even sure what I am waiting for. Is it to go Home? Is it purely a spiritual homesickness? Or is it something I am waiting for here on Earth, a physical experience, I am waiting for?

Regardless, I am reminded of the feeling I seem to have always had in this lifetime. The feeling is that I do not belong and my real family is out there and I want/need to be with them. Yet I feel tethered to this illusion and unable – not allowed – to go to my real family. Ultimately it feels like I have been cursed.

More Spiders

As if to remind me again that I need to be patient and only act at the right time, I found another spider in my house. This time he was very tiny and trying to hide in plain sight. I took him outside and even when free he immediately hid from me.

Image may contain: plant, outdoor and nature

Common House spider, October 14th.

I believe this is a Common House Spider, but am not completely certain. He did not have a web. He was about the size of the tip of my finger.

As with the other spiders I have made contact with, I was fascinated by him. I got as close as I could, even shined a flashlight on him.

This spider visit came after a tiny jumping spider I found in my kitchen on October 8th. Here is a picture of him:

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Jumping spider, October 8th.

When I attempted to let him go he jumped back onto me without my knowing and then tried to run under the kitchen cabinets. I had to catch him again and put him outside. lol

by

TITAN

Yesterday was just as intense as Friday. I realized upon waking that this time of year – around mid-October – has been an intense, life-changing time for me, at least in regards to relationships. Two specific times came to mind:

October, 2001 – I woke one morning to a deep, masculine voice saying, “GET OUT NOW”. I took it as meaning I needed to leave my husband. Within a week I was on a flight home, arriving on October 15th, my Mom’s birthday.

October, 2016 – Posted on FB on Oct 7, 2016:  Going through a tough transition here at home. Please send prayers and healing if you have the time. Lots of change on the way. It was a very turbulent time in my life. The whole end of 2016 was an emotional and mental torture (not kidding).

This year October is following the same pattern. IDK if it is astrological, if these specific time periods are repeats of certain planetary positions, but it sure is odd how, when it comes to relationships, this specific month seems to have it in for me.

Regardless, things are changing in my life and it is because I of this PUSH I am feeling and the resulting action I knew I needed to take. Still, though, time will tell how it all plays out.

TITAN

I’ve been having an interesting message come through. I’ll start at the beginning….

October 10th – I had a dream where I was on a very large ship (exploring aspects of emotion/subconscious). Me and a man were standing looking over the edge at the ocean. The man was familiar to me and I recall staring at his face and taking in all the details trying to determine if he was who I thought he was.

It was a beautiful day. Not a cloud in the sky and the ocean was calm. There was a discussion between myself and a woman. This woman seemed an adviser but I’m not sure if she was mine or his, maybe his. We were discussing the man, specifically his current emotional state. I remember knowing he had lost someone, someone very dear to him, that he loved with all of himself. I wanted to be with him and was hoping he would want to be with me. I was being advised to be careful and not push him because he still grieved. Not only did he love this woman but he had been hurt by her to the point that it had left him wounded. I remember noticing the way he looked at me. He seemed interested but distant, like he could see me but he didn’t want to. Toward the end of the dream I was talking to the man, telling him how I knew he had lost someone close and how I hoped he could move on with me. He looked at me and I began to feel a rush of energy. Overcome by it, I woke up. As I woke I thought the ship was very similar to the Titanic and the movie came to mind.

In my private dream journal I wrote: “The word [Titanic] may be significant, meaning something BIG, powerful and/or explosive being explored.”

Since that dream I have been seeing the word Titan every day with incidences increasing as time goes by. The first time I saw the word was on a Nissan pick-up on my nightly walk with Monty. I did not know until then that they even made the Titan truck!

Then I was purchasing my Mom tickets to the Austin Symphony for her birthday. I did not notice the name of the performance until after I received the confirmation email:

“Tale of Two Titans”
Fri 11/30/2018 8:00 PM
Long Center

Yesterday I was shopping with my husband and happened to look up and see a huge sign:

No automatic alt text available.

By this time I finally recognized the message being delivered and laughed out loud, explaining to my husband why. He told me that he thought it interesting because a day or so before he returned home he had been watching the movie Titanic in his hotel room. Yeah, too crazy to not be in awe of how the Universe gets these messages to us!

Dream: Wrecked Pick-up

Now that the a/c is fixed I was able to sleep without interruption.

In this dream I was traveling in a car with a man. He was familiar to me. I recognized him as someone both my husband and I know. Looking around me I knew the road we were traveling. It was the one just outside the home where I grew up. I use to drive it every day to school. The hills were much larger than reality, though, to the point that they resembled mountains. I knew our destination was my home.

The man and I talked about music as we drove. He mentioned music theory specifically and it caught my attention. He used a word that only someone who studied music would use but I don’t know the word now. I only remember it had to do with chord progression (harmony/disharmony in my life).

We continued over the hill. As we began to descend I realized just how high up we were. The entire valley resembled the Rocky Mountains in magnitude. It was beautiful. I leaned my head on the man’s shoulder. I thought to myself, “I love him.” Then I realized he may not want me to lean on him and I backed off. His demeanor was serious and focused on driving.

In the distance I saw a large, black (unknown or subconscious) pick-up (work) with over-sized tires falling down the hill. It was not rolling but very obviously falling. We parked our small car and he got out to help. I pulled a blanket (protection) up out from under the seats and pulled it over me as I watched. Where there had been no people there was suddenly onlookers everywhere to the point that I could not see the truck. Curious, I got out of the car, laid the blanket(protection) over my purse (self-identity), and went to investigate.

I could not see the car or the man I had been with. I inquired about the drivers and was told another car had collided with the truck and the people were fine. The passengers in the truck “did not make it”. I walked along the road and noticed cars pulling up to the scene. There was a large river (emotion) below and cars (paths) were parked on islands (ease, relaxation) in the river. I wondered how they got there. I got out my phone to take a picture and noticed everyone else was doing the same. I still couldn’t see the truck.

Then I saw paramedics working on two bodies (death or the unexpected) and the dream ended.

When I woke up the song, Sweet Home Alabama was going through my head. It made no sense considering the man from the dream is originally from Louisiana. The specific part was, “Sweet home Alabama where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama Lord I’m comin’ home to you.”