Category Archives: Dreams

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South Padre

I’m back from South Padre Island. And guess what? I was sick the entire time. Ha!  The first morning I woke up with the worst sore throat ever.  It felt like knives in my throat every time I swallowed and the pain shot up into both my ears. My solution was to go to the beach and ignore the pain in my throat. Yet I had gotten barely any sleep that night before. My heart rate was super high and the energy of the condo was strange and erratic. I swear I could sense the previous group who had occupied it. I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep. 😦

By afternoon my voice started to crack and by that night it was completely gone. GONE. Along with that my throat was getting worse and I had a headache.

I did get sleep that night at least, though the strange high energy was still present. When I woke my throat was a bit better but still hurting and my dreams were concerning. In them I was hiding from six dragons and planning my getaway. My guidance was advising me to not run and reminding me of my previous dealings with them which was to just calmly wait and let them devour me. The dragons were very brightly colored but I only remember the yellow one. The last thing I remember was watching all six of them surround a woman and eat her alive. Classic Kundalini dreams. What a way to wake up, huh?

My throat hurt all day but I did not let it get me down despite the laryngitis, headache and full-on congestion that accompanied it that day. I spent hours in the water but there was a really strong riptide and undertow and I got caught up in it more than once. It got to the point that I just opted to stay close to the beach. My daughter got caught in it, too, and I had to rescue her.

That evening my other BIL and SIL and their family came along with my SIL’s family to have dinner.  Since I couldn’t talk and felt so crappy it made more sense to avoid everyone so I stayed upstairs. I finally gave in and took some Ibuprofen that evening.

The next day, the final day, I woke up and my throat was only a bit raw but I was full of congestion. My voice was back, though a bit raspy. When I first woke the sun was just coming up and my nose was so runny that I could not return to sleep. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the beach to watch the sunrise still wearing my pajamas. lol I stayed there for an hour watching it. The beach was empty and the wind was calm. It was by far my favorite part of the trip.

Overall it was a good mini-vacation. Being sick was an inconvenience but it could have been much worse. I will take a sore throat over the stomach bug any day. Funny enough, not having a voice was actually a good thing. When I needed to communicate everyone got dead silent so they could hear me whisper to them, my kids included. Just goes to show how being loud is not necessarily the best way to be heard.

Here’s some pictures of the trip:

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Manifest Destiny

Ack! I’ve got a throat on fire this morning and so does my husband. Today we are driving to South Padre, too. The kids are super excited, their energy is so jagged feeling compared to my own. They tend toward more crying fits and arguing when it gets like this. My daughter has yet to go into anxiety/worry mode. She typically fixates on one certain future scene and if it changes even a little she has a melt down. Talk about “fixed” (Taurus). And I thought I was bad! Ha!

I am somewhat excited despite feeling crappy. This is a whole-family event (husband’s side anyway). One thing I can give my husband is that he has an awesome family. They don’t argue and know how to enjoy life and have a good time. My family, on the other hand, would be fighting or in tension mode most if not all of the trip. I would have to be in the ocean all day to avoid them (not a problem!). Also, with all the other family with us, my mommy duties will be lightened substantially. My BIL and SIL who just moved from CA are without children (though SIL is newly pregnant) and they LOVE our kids. I also know my SIL will watch my kids like a hawk. It is such a relief for me to know I have her as backup and don’t have to worry myself silly that one of my kids will drown when my husband is distracted. To know I can withdraw and have time alone on this trip, lay like a lump on the beach even, makes all the hassle and preparation worthwhile.

We rented a three bedroom condo on the beach, something I have only experienced once and that was when I was 13 on the beaches of North Carolina (pristine!). To be able to just walk out the back door and be on the beach is awesome! My kids will be in heaven, no doubt. My BIL and SIL rented an SUV for the drive, too. Another cool thing about my husband’s family – they like to travel in style and abundance tends to follow them.

Dream: Manifest Destiny

On to things of a more spiritual nature.

Despite my sickness I had vivid dreams. First there was one all about protection and circles. I don’t recall much of it now but protection was being emphasized again. Then I was a middle school aged girl in school. My focus was on my friends and socializing. I cared little for my grades. There was a boy I hung out with who I considered my best friend. I only recall now that he had dark hair, was somewhat aloof at times and more quiet than me. Honestly, I think my personality just overshadowed his but there was no irritation on his part. It was just the way we were.

I remember knowing that I was choosing socialization over academics and that this was not my norm. At one point we were sitting together at a table trying to focus on an assignment. We were paired up, working on it together, but neither of us was into doing it. There was a mother and her daughter sitting across from us quite focused on the assignment. I watched them getting the work done rapidly. I knew that if I didn’t do the work, it would not get done. It wasn’t that my partner was stupid, I just knew it wouldn’t get done if I left it up to him. School wasn’t his “thing”. lol

So I began to ask the mother about the assignment. “What are we suppose to do?” She said that we needed to review a book and then describe what was missing/lacking in the details and organization of it. What it came down to was the book had only an index. I said, “Well that’s easy. It needs a Table of Contents and a glossary.” The answer needed to be in essay format so I got to writing it straight away. I remember the mother asking me, “Don’t you want to read the book first?” I said, “No. I know what it says.” Then I began to tell them about it. It was a book about U.S. expansion West. Specifically, it was about Manifest Destiny. I even used that word and specifically tuned into the time when the “West” was not the West we know today but the mid-west U.S. around the Great Lakes. I told them the entire history. There was a particular feeling I had at this time. It was excitement similar to how one feels when they are passionate about a subject. I have always liked history but this was beyond that even. In the dream I knew that I would pass the assignment without issue. In fact, I wrote so much that I ran out of room before I even got to answering the question. lol

heart

Afterward, my friend and I went to his home and I met his parents. His father was suspicious of me but his mother liked me. I remember talking to his mom about a small object. I asked her if I could have one. The father disapproved of my asking but she smiled and said, “Sure.” She handed me a tiny, see-through heart. I was overjoyed to have received it.

As I was preparing to leave the father insinuated that I would steal one of their cars. lol I did end up driving out in my own car and the dream then meandered from there. I ended up getting assistance on a very steep, downhill path and was worried I would go too fast and lose control.

Messages

I woke with an uncomfortable soreness in my throat. My guidance was talking to me, asking me if I remembered our discussions. I only recalled that protection was needed and soon drifted into the in-between.

While in-between I saw myself inside a jet that at first resembled an airplane. It was sitting on something high up in the sky but not flying. I was told to look at it closely and when I did I realized it had no wings. I heard, “rocket” and then put two and two together. A “rocket” in the “sky” – skyrocket. Ha!

Then I was reminded of all the synchronicities lately. I have been noting them but at this time I was being shown all of them together. Some were songs, some were strange “coincidences” in meetings I’ve been having, some were gut feelings.

For example, you know the song, Hello, by Lionel Richie that I posted a while back? Well I keep hearing it. My kids are into the movie Trolls and that song is in it. The song, The Sound of Silence is also in it right before Hello. When I hear these songs I go into a kind of timeless state. Time stands still and I feel I need to listen. It is a strange kind of dejavu feeling every time and it’s happened twice now. I think I’m falling in love with the song Hello.

I’ve also been catching myself thinking, “I can’t do this” a lot. I stopped and considered what “this” is. What am I so nervous about? Perhaps it is not what I think?

There was also memory of a video I watched recently about knowing ones own future but losing faith along the way when it doesn’t manifest fast enough. I do this often. The video almost made me cry. It was like it was saying, “You KNOW. Stop doubting and just have faith.”

I was reminded how I recently came back into contact with a client from 2004. We’ve been chatting and it turns out the reconnect is not just for her benefit. She has something she can offer me. She even outright wrote, “I believe there’s a reason people CROSS PATHS!!” She then suggested we trade services. I give her mediumship (the group kind) and she refers me to her family business.

The service she can offer caught me off guard. The minute I read what it was, a path opened up to me that wasn’t there before. Just considering the path scares and exhausts me for all the “unknowns”. I am being asked to really be sure of what I want because if I choose this path there is no turning back. What is strange is that I know what to do. It was like instructions fell out of the sky and into my lap. There was a Knowing that sometimes we have to do things we don’t like to get what we want. And the feeling is that this is just the first part. I also know I can hold onto this option, like an ACE up my sleeve, as long as I want. To bide my time and make sure it is a path I wish to travel.

Manifest Destiny. Manifest your Destiny. Gives me goosebumps.

worthiness

Still in the in-between I saw and heard, “Worthiness.” Then I was reminded of something that happened many years ago. The first time I met my husband’s half-sister came to mind. She is a Sagittarius (ha! another sync) and we got along awesome. She heard that I could “see things” and that I was a medium so she sought my advice, asking me for a reading. I gave it to her freely. I had no issues because I hardly knew her. I was able to connect to her deceased father (my FIL) and able to give her answers about some of her questions. Her marriage was on the rocks. She wanted to leave her husband but was afraid of what it would mean for her daughter. So many unknowns and she just needed some guidance. I told her what I saw – her divorce, how the assets would be split, how her daughter would react, etc.

Skip to present day. She did get divorced. In fact everything I told her has come to pass. She had to leave her daughter behind, knowing her daughter would hate her. She remarried and is traveling and fulfilled. Her daughter is now coming around (which I assured her would happen).

All of this came to me because of the word “worthiness”. I knew I was seeing an example of how this can manifest in a person’s life. You have to feel worthy of having the things you want before you can have them. I was being asked if I felt worthy. Do I? Still working on that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Prison Visit

Yesterday turned out to be an okay day despite my waking in a funk. I was busy and distracted – both helpful when trying to avoid mental traps and cyclic thinking. One of the t.v shows I’ve gotten to watching had new episodes so that was a nice distraction, too. What is interesting (and no surprise) is that while watching my show I had messages come through. It is funny how it happens. I am one minute oblivious, tuned into the show, and the next I hear an obvious conversation going on between myself and my guidance. Then I end up in the conversation, shifting over to it and my show becomes background noise for a few minutes or until something on the show distracts me.

What I learned during one of these instances yesterday was that what I am experiencing is normal and the way I am reacting is also my norm. We have just exited an extremely high energy period (full moon). Now we are adjusting and integrating. These integration periods can be difficult sometimes.

Last night when left without a t.v. distraction I felt an uneasiness again. My guidance came through and asked me if they could show me something. I said they could but was really sour with them. The doubt-monger in me was on high alert and I told them I highly doubted any of what I was being told/intuiting was coming to fruition. I was in the “it’s all a load of crap” mode. lol

Dreams

Early in the night I have faint memory of dreams but all that is left of them are some visuals and a Knowing of receiving instruction on this process I am undergoing (as are some of you). I remember saying, “I am still selecting timelines.” I also recall seeing three circles aligned vertically, the edge of one touching the next. Then the circles on the top and bottom smoothly switched places. The center circle remained in place. I could feel energy during this but memory of it is gone now.

I woke briefly at 5:00am with the circles in my mind and knowing we had been discussing the soul transfer. I wondered about it briefly. Does it mean my higher and lower self are switching places? Why were the circles in a line and not inter-lapping like I’ve seen in the past?

When I woke I was also feeling extremely tired, like drugged. Considering I have been sleeping lightly for over a week now, it was a nice feeling. It didn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep again.

Vector illustration of a man lock up in prison

Dream: Prison Visit

This dream was semi-lucid and quite vivid. In it I was inside a large bedroom that resembled a hotel room. I knew I was in prison but I had volunteered to be there. For most of the dream I was in the bed in my prison “cell” experiencing visitations from other prisoners via a type of “dream”. However, I knew it was not a dream but that they had the ability to cross through time and space. We all had it.

I met four others but two stand out in my memory. The first was a dark haired woman who I knew as “Marcella”. She approached me, coming at first as an apparition and then solidifying. She told me she was from another “cell” and we talked for a long time. I recognized her as someone I had lived a past life with. In fact, our connection was intensely attractive to me at the heart level to the point that I even said to her, “We were together in another lifetime. I remember you.” I knew we had been romantically involved and it caught me off-guard for a moment in the dream because I knew I was female and so was she and this did not compute. lol The attraction to her was so strong that I thought that if I met her outside of the dream we were in that I would choose a same sex partnership with her despite my preference for men. Ha!

In the dream our mutual attraction was muted and we got to talking like old friends. I asked her why she was in prison. She said she was in for “corporate fraud”. I said, “What corporation?” I am not sure of her response now but I think she said, “Pay Bill.” lol I interpreted her answer as “Playbill” and I remember thinking it sounded like “Playboy”. Now, in writing it, I see what she meant! Paying back somebody named Bill, as in resolving karma. LOL

She also gave me her prison number, but I only recall that it had a 5 in it. I could see her section of the prison and knew we would never meet because of the strict rules and guards. When she left I continued to sense our connection. It was like my heart was lit up with the heart fire but very muted.

The other person I recall vividly was a middle aged man. I did not recognize him by appearance but by our connection. Again he was from another “cell” and had materialized in front of me. With him I also felt a strong heart connection and knew I had lived a past life with him as his romantic partner. He was connected to Marcella, too, and with the other two people who came to visit me. I don’t remember much of my conversation with him other than him telling me that he and some others were planning to break out (desire to break free of restrictive situation). He invited me to join them.

I do have faint memory of an old man about 70ish but it is fleeting. I believe the other person was a woman and the memory I have of her is young, voluptuous and fair haired. All four of the people I came into contact with caused my heart to react with an intense familiarity.

In the end of the dream an older woman came in alongside the younger, fair haired woman who I mentioned above. The older woman had a laptop (need to communicate) and set it on a table. The fair haired woman was there to help me send emails (communication). There was discussion then about my room (private self). There was a dresser (hidden aspects of self) set in front of a large bulletin board (message from subconscious) and a trashcan (unwanted ideas, thoughts, memories) shoved between the bed (intimate self) and the dresser (hidden self). I had no use for the dresser and the woman was laughing at how it was set in an unusual place.

Then I watched the older lady get up and walk toward the window. I noticed she was physically in good shape for her “age” and the next thing I knew I was transported to another scene where I watched a life play out before my eyes. The fair haired, voluptuous woman and the middle aged man (mentioned above) dated, were married and had children. I entered the scene and walked up to the woman. She had aged and grown fat from all her pregnancies. We talked and I focused on how her stomach looked pregnant and her breasts had sagged and were smaller than her protruding pooch. She said, “You should have seen them (her breasts) when I was pregnant!” We got a good laugh out of it. I saw her six children running about a yard next to a very large house. Everything was green and bright and her husband was laughing as he put together a playhouse outside in their garden. I said, “How many kids do you two have together?” She said, “Not enough.” lol

I understood that she and the middle aged man, both who I knew and had a strong connection to, had chosen to live a life together. It seemed like they lived in the same “prison” as me but in an adjacent cell block, one I could not get to physically but could “visit”.

I returned to my cell and saw the group of individuals standing together. I saw a large circle (completion) but when I looked closer it vanished and everyone was surrounded by very large, orange pumpkins (open and receptive). This woke me up because of its peculiarity.

Considerations

When I woke I knew my guidance had wanted to show me something in this dream. There was confirmation that I had volunteered to come to the Earth “prison”. It also seems they wanted me to see the others of my “cell” and show me the very real connection I had to them. All of them I could not meet in the physical. I’m glad of that! With the heart connection I felt for them it would really complicate things for me, especially “Marcella”. I don’t want to meet her as it would cause me to go into an identity crisis for sure! I am not sure if they are in this same dimensional version of Earth, or not. That is a bit confusing to me but then I don’t care, the dream experience was cool. It felt like a family reunion.

I was very sleepy still when I woke and fell into the in-between many times. There were strange messages and visions coming through. I remember laughing about something and joking with someone. I believe the people from my dream were the ones I was talking to. I remember hearing, “We will come get you.” along with an image of me hanging upside down by a rope attached to one of my feet (lol). There was also a scene involving hamsters (distancing self to prevent being hurt) of all ages swimming in water (emotion) and being fed pancakes (pleasure). All of it is mixed up together now. Mainly I was left feeling as if all of this life I am living is just a dream and it was so disconcerting and caused me to get out of bed.

Even now I recall the connection I felt to all of the people in my dream. I had a heart connection with all of them and it felt very natural. The connections were varied, though, some stronger than others. I loved them all differently, some with more intensity than others. I remembered lifetimes I had with them and the lifetimes directly affected the intensity of the connection. It wasn’t necessarily the more lifetimes the more intensity. It was more like the experiences together affected the intensity, but this doesn’t feel exactly correct either. If I had been more lucid or OOB I think I would have freaked out from the energy.

 

 

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Struggling Today

Woke this an unsettling realization, but one I’ve had in the past and so am not too surprised is coming back to say taunt me. It is basically that the spiritual path, though one I am and will likely be drawn to my entire life, will not be the career I want it to be. Instead, it will likely be a hobby, side-project – whatever you want to call it – overshadowed by my sense of responsibility to my family and the roles I play within in. This issue was actually brought up to me in an astrological reading last year as one of the obstacles I have created in this life.

Sun and moon both conjunct outer planets. This creates a feeling of being overshadowed by a greater archetype which can eclipse my individual right to pursue my own goals. Particularly with Saturn I can feel that my responsibilities outweigh my right to achieve my own personal well-being, creative self and happiness. With the moon conjunct Neptune, there are always those at a greater need than myself. It would cause me to feel that I need to be there in a compassionate way to serve selflessly rather than realizing my own emotional independence and well-being. It is easy for archetypes that are carried like that to overshadow the self. Challenge for me to disengage myself from my greater mission to serve in order to address my own personal, individual, creative development. The more I have the courage to put my own well-being at the same level as the well-being of others, the more balance will be achieved and then I won’t be defined by the greater mission. I will be defined as a human being who is a living example of those archetypes

The way this realization hit me was strange. I woke from a string of dreams that seemed to have nothing at all to do with the realization.

Dreams

At first I seemed to be visiting the past. I was wearing a cossetted dress and talking to another girl about what a girl could and could not do. I was breaking with what was accepted. I recall hearing a chorus singing, “It is Well With My Soul” and then I was in charge of inoculating (development on mental and spiritual level) the women with a Tetanus booster but the needle to the syringe was retracting and so I was unable to administer any shots. All along there was a string attached to the syringe. The string was covered in very large, black ants (hard work). Somewhere in the dream I also went to visit my father (he died in 1995) but he wasn’t there. Instead there was a 3yr old boy who I spoke to. I asked him if he could write his name (Remembering Self) and he told me, “No, I can’t yet but I’m trying.” In the house where the boy lived there was an attic space (connection to Higher Self) that had been renovated to store my dad’s things. Inside there were mounted animals, specifically I recall a full-body mount of a moose (elders, individual power).

The feeling upon waking was disappointment. My thoughts were centered around all the spiritual projects I have planned or am working on. My oracle deck was one. Last night I had looked online to get ideas and the sheer number of self-published decks amazed me. It became apparent to me that it was very unlikely I would ever make any significant profit form my deck. I was sad to think of all my hard work amounting to nothing. My guidance asked, “But did you enjoy creating it?” I replied that I did. They asked me if I had expected to make money or get recognition. I said I had not. My intention was to enjoy myself and express my creativity. In this I realized the deck had already served its purpose. Yet for some reason I was still very disappointed.

Then my thoughts went to my YouTube videos. Last night I received my very first thumbs down. Normally it would not bother me in the least but for some reason last night it did. I began to try and figure out what I had done wrong but at the same time I was also not at all rattled. Again my thoughts turned to whether I enjoyed making the video and that being all that mattered.

After reviewing all of the above I started thinking about recent requests for mediumship and invitations from others to partner up with them on spiritual projects. I also began think about my “purpose” and how recently I thought I had finally found it because of the pure joy that rose from within me in considering it. Yet what my heart told me about my purpose was not coming into fruition. It has just stagnated and all paths leading to it have appeared to be closed to me. A big “Dead End” sign is all that is there. In fact, everywhere I look I see “DEAD END”.

I started looking for paths that didn’t dead end. The spiritual paths in front of me seem to lead nowhere. There isn’t a dead end but they meander this way and I can’t see where they lead or if it is what I want. The path I thought was my primary one, the one leading to my purpose in this lifetime, appears to be a dead end. It feels that way anyway. I can try and pave a path in that direction but it feels wrong. In fact, every time I think of that path it feels wrong. I get a big “NOT YET”. Why?

The only path that I can conceive of other than the ones above is the same career path I have been on my entire life. Yet there is no spark in my heart for that path. I feel dead even considering traveling it again. Yet when I look down it I can see it leads somewhere and that somewhere is not back to where I am now. The feeling from it is that it is not a dead end. Maybe not, but is it where I want to go? No. But if I don’t travel that path, then I am left just standing here where I currently am looking ahead, waiting for a path to materialize in front of me. That won’t happen, I am sure of it. So maybe I am just not seeing a path? Maybe it is hidden from me?

saturn

Or maybe this dilemma aligns with what I quoted above from my forecast last year? Perhaps I am hung up in an archetype and cannot find within myself the drive to follow my own path because I feel so obligated and responsible for everyone else in my life? It seems that is it and honestly I just don’t have that drive. My family overrides anything I want for myself. It just feels so wrong, like I am betraying them and that feeling is the worst. Every time I consider a scenario where I am happy and doing what makes me happy I feel it is somehow “wrong”. Yet that is what my heart is aching to do and when I close myself off to that I feel absolutely dead inside.

My guidance reminds me to follow my joy – that which brings me excitement and makes me feel alive. They want me to follow it blindly it seems, to trust that the path will lead me to what I seek. I see others doing it, and at times I’ve felt brave and determined to do it. But those times are fleeting and I end up back to where I am now. Waiting. Staring ahead and unable to make a decision that feels right.

I assume that Saturn has something to do with all this inner conflict. I am reminded of the ants in my dream. Ants = work and community/collective. And strangely one of the thoughts that comes to mind is that the new 5D world and relationships center around community. Working together toward a common purpose. Thus all the potential “partnership” opportunities coming up for me lately. There is a hint from my guidance that coming at my problem from the traditional, 3D perspective, will get me nowhere. Coming at it from a 5D perspective is what is advised. Yet what the hell does that even mean?

The response I am getting is a feeling more than an answer in words. I feel very strongly the “community” aspect. 5D asks us to work together. 3D says “I”, 5D says “We”. I am being asked to inspect my life, to align it with 5D, and this is not an easy task because my life was built to align with 3D.

I ask, “How do I do that? What do I do?” The only answer I receive is to follow my joy. Focus on what makes me feel happy and alive and nothing else. From there everything will fall into place. But I want to know “HOW?” I want to see the steps, know the process, but I’m not getting specifics. It is frustrating me. It is like I am being told, “Wear this blindfold and follow the voice of your heart. Don’t worry about where you step. Trust we are guiding you where you are meant to go and that we will not let you fall.” Ha!

It reminds me of an experiment I did with my psychology students way back in 2003. I had them partner up. One wore the blindfold and the other led them around the school by telling them where to go and what to watch out for. They all had a blast and learned a lot about trusting their partner. Or maybe even that game of trust where you fall backwards and trust your partner will catch you. Yeah, I never could do that. lol

Right now I don’t feel I can do this. I think I am just too screwed up, too programmed in 3D. The saying that comes to mind is, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” I hear my guidance say, “Then you get a new dog.” Not even going to try and figure out what they mean by that (eyeroll).

 

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Dreams for Reflection

Yesterday I was hit with a wave of exhaustion along with dry eyes, lack of motivation and an overall feeling of sluggishness. I had not thought anything of it until I went outside with my kids. When I came home all my energy had returned and I felt full of motivation. Within an hour, though, I was back to lounging on the sofa feeling lethargic. This is when I browsed my WP Reader and found a repost of Diane Canfield mentioning a huge wave had come in and was causing all the same symptoms in her. I remember reading this part – The best thing to do in these situations is to go outside and ground with bare feet – and thinking, “No wonder I felt so good after going to the park! 🙂

By evening the exhaustion was full-on but when I tried to sleep I couldn’t. I struggled to stay out of cyclic thoughts impinging on my happy place. It was not difficult and eventually I drifted off into sleep.

Dreams 

Mom’s New Car

I had dreams involving my family last night. The first was about my physical family. I dreamed I visited my mom and she was in an unfamiliar car (life path). I asked her where her old car was. She told me she and her husband had failed to pay the $400 payment and it was repossessed (unforeseen changes). When I asked how many payments she missed she told me just one and said they were demanding she pay $13k in a lump sum. The feeling was that they had come upon bad times. I remember that my mom was using a walker (persistence)  and struggling to get around and that my sister and her family were still living with them.

Traveling by Plane

Then I was traveling by airplane (in control of life) with a woman. We were on the plane and it kept being delayed (moments of feeling out of control) by 10 minutes at each of its numerous stops. It felt like I we were on our way to Montana (higher consciousness) but I don’t remember ever getting there. At one stop I recall they built a wall (obstacles) around me that shifted into an elevator (elevation of consciousness). I was in it and seemed transported elsewhere briefly but I can’t remember where. I recall a conversation with the woman (alternate version of myself). She had chosen to go on a trip alone. I asked her, “What about your children?” I was concerned that she had left them behind. She seemed unaffected and intent on her travel plans.

When I awoke I knew I had entered into another purging cycle and was reminded that I would be doing massive clearing that could become uncomfortable. The above dreams were still vivid, especially the last one. I somehow knew I had traveled to Atlanta, GA.

The song Landslide was going through my head when I awoke as well. Specifically, “I’ve been afraid of changin’ cause I built my life around you.”

The feeling from this song was that changes are coming. This particular message is almost continuous lately but so far I’m not noticing any significant changes to myself or my life. We’ll see what happens I guess.

Dream: Party

I fell back to sleep and found myself at my mom’s house at a big party. Inside were people that I seemed to know and I mingled with them all feeling quite happy and carefree. I went to the back and there was an enclosed room where the porch normally is. When I entered there were people lounging on white sofas and the room all turned in my direction and greeted me as if they all knew me. A tall man with dark hair and a beard approached me. He seemed familiar to me and we embraced. I remember him being quite large around the midsection.

The next thing I knew he was passionately kissing me and I did not resist. The people in the room were applauding and I heard someone comment that it was about time. They even took photographs of us.

The man then talked to me for a while but I only remember sections of our conversation. We stayed close while we talked, his hands on my waist. I remember feeling he was relieved to finally be so close to me. He wanted me to agree to be with him (as his partner) and I told him I couldn’t, that I was already promised to someone (my husband who was not there). He got exasperated with me but did not get angry. He asked me, “Why do you keep inviting me here, then?” I looked up at him and said, “I don’t. She does.” He turned around and walked away. I remember not caring one bit and thinking about how he was not my type at all, too large and hairy. lol

As I was leaving a woman who had taken a photo of us was commenting on how she wanted to share the photo. I told her she couldn’t and got upset with her, worried my partner would find out.

I continued to mingle with everyone, going from group to group and talking with them, asking them if they wanted a tour and being completely at ease as a social butterfly. I remember saying that we had sold the house and the buyers had renovated it, giving it impressive upgrades only to sell it back to us. The back had been transformed with a greenhouse and a large deck but someone had spray painted their initials on the deck in blue. I remember talking about how it was the perfect layout for a wedding, mentioning I was to be married soon.

Then a woman who reminded me of my best friend from high school arrived. She was intoxicated (acting recklessly) and said she had recently been to Tokyo. She took the trip on a whim and left her kids behind. I asked her about her kids and she was unconcerned about leaving them. Eventually she wandered off, too drunk to converse, and I went back into the house looking for the bearded man. I couldn’t find him and the people sitting on the white sofa were different. They asked me if I would add my name and contact info to a sheet they were passing around. They all knew my spiritual gifts and many were interested in booking a session with me. This made me a bit uneasy but I filled out the sheet anyway. I realized the bearded man had left and worried I had hurt his feelings.

infinity

Considerations

When I woke the above song was still on my mind but so was the dream, especially the bearded man. He was familiar and reminded me of a guide I have often seen. I somehow knew the man in this dream was an alternate version of that guide, as if the guide was the higher self and the man in this dream the human version. I also knew that my higher self was the one who invited him to the “party”. I wondered why she would do that when she knows I am promised to another. The feeling from the bearded man was that he has an interest in me as a partner. “Partner” here is in the sense of coming into Union – as in masculine and feminine; Hieros Gamos. I felt disinterest and knew I was “promised” to someone else who I considered my husband, but I also knew he was not my human husband. Yet I had this strange curiosity for this man. A part of me wants to partner with every male it seems even if no magnetic attraction is felt. Why am I so promiscuous when this version of myself!? lol

I also recognized that my mom’s house is representing “Home”. This is common in my dreams and OBEs and I know the actual scene is very different from the dream one. The people are my soul family, in this case extended family. The drunk friend is likely an aspect of me and again I have concern for her children while she is unconcerned about leaving them.

The part about the group wanting my services is likely a reflection of current life events. I have been getting request for mediumship. The most recent is a group Skype reading request from a past client of mine. She knew me years and years ago from 2003-2004. I am not 100% sure I am ready for such a huge undertaking. Not only have I not given a mediumship reading in quite some time but I’ve not done a group one since my trip to the UK in 2004. My small self is afraid by my Higher Self is encouraging and confident suggesting that no matter the outcome the experience is one I should have.

What my guidance has to say about some of my above questions is this:

They say  I am not spiritually promiscuous but rather openly expressive of the Divine Love that I am. This love is not limited to just one other but I am approaching it as the human version of myself does. This dream was to bring into my awareness the limitation I am placing on myself and others.

My Home is a feeling, not a location, and so the human aspect manifests their interpretation of Home in the dreamstate. Currently I identify my mom’s house as my home – my safe place and where I feel I most belong. This indicates there is still a desire to be accepted by my mother. So in actuality I identify my mom as Home here in the physical.

There are inner-conflicts being displayed in this dream. The dream brings them into my human conscious awareness so they can be handled more effectively. There are two problems surfacing for inspection: 1. My desire for Hieros Gamos is in direct conflict with my human role as mother and 2. My  spiritual work conflicts with the expectations I feel from my human family. The dream is showing me how my human self wishes to address these issues. The drunken friend is symbolic of the me that wants to rush into a decision, tossing her concerns for her children in order to have what she wants. I cannot communicate with her in the dream because she is too intoxicated indicating that I am not in control of this aspect. The other issue is shown as me being open to exploring the use of my gifts again but reluctantly. This area seems to be less conflicted than the former.

There is no right or wrong way to handle either. The dream is merely asking me to observe and reflect in order to make an informed decision. In the end, it is always my choice.

 

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Embracing the Goddess Within

This full moon energy is ridiculously intense. I have been feeling it for a week and I suspect I will continue to feel it all month. My heart is most affected by it, though. So much so that at times it feels almost painful. Just when I think my heart has opened as much as is possible it blasts open more. I am beginning to think there is no end to the depths of it.

Dream: Pregnant with Twins

I remember speaking to a dietitian about the past week and my diet, how I had been feeling and what I needed to do to resolve it. The talk was not something I wanted. It made me feel as if I were in trouble. The main thing I remember from it was that the dietitian said, “You’ve been really high on energy haven’t you? When you get like that you need to slow down and rest. Take a break. Your body needs you to.” There was also discussion about low blood sugar, my heart and how I have not been eating enough food for the activity I’m doing.

When I left I ended up in a restaurant (emotional nourishment/support) somewhere in Europe with people I did not recognize. I sat down and a woman came to my table and sat in a chair across from me. She was Asian and very pregnant (aspect of self that is maturing). In fact, her stomach was so huge that it looked unnatural. Another woman sitting nearby looked at me and said, “She’s pregnant with twins.” I turned to the Asian woman and smiled. The Asian woman motioned to her tummy and said, “Just another week or so now and it will all be over.” She was smiling and looking lovingly at her stomach. In my mind I saw a calendar and saw the remainder of this week, the entire next week and a few days of the following week. I realized this must be her due date. I was impressed that the woman had carried a set of twins to term. I said, “You’re doing a great job! Just remember to let yourself rest after they’re born. Let someone else care for them and sleep. You’ll need it.”

balance-heart-chakra

Heart Expansion

Something about the dream and the pregnant woman triggered me into full lucidity. I began to cry and woke up. My heart chakra was enormous, spreading the length of my torso and also up into my throat chakra. The pregnant woman in the dream was what was on my mind. It felt like she was me. Lately I’ve been having tons of dreams about pregnancy and/or twins but I have not been posting them. Usually the twins are still babies and one is male and the other is female.

My heart was overflowing. It reminded me of when I was in Tennessee at my friend Yvonne’s house. I had woken one morning and had so much love I didn’t know what to do with it. I had burst into tears and hugged my friend, something I rarely do when I cry. I said to her, “I feel so much love. I don’t know what to do with all of it.” I Knew then that there would be a meeting soon and this heart opening was preparing me for it.

The tears didn’t last long because I realized something else. My guidance was saying to me, “You are love.” It took a while for the message to get through and when it did I said it to myself – I am love.  I recognized the vastness of the love I was feeling was a reflection of me. I was both recognizing and experiencing myself. It felt that soon that love would engulf me completely and I would be devoured by it. I did not feel fear, though. I felt anticipation. The strongest feeling at that moment was the absolute longing. I have never wanted anything more in my entire life. Nothing.

I’ve felt it before. I thought at the time that I was missing someone but I had never missed anyone like this. It was almost painful, causing physical reactions I had never experienced before. And here it was again. So intense that I felt at a loss as to how to manage it. But in recognizing I was feeling myself, my Divine Self, whole and complete, there was relief. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could – would – have what it was I was longing for. And when it happened, my heart would be even larger, expanding to every single chakra of this physical body. I couldn’t be afraid of the feelings that came with it. I had to accept them, feel them, embrace them as me because to reject them was to reject myself.

Vision

The more I allowed this indescribable feeling of Divine love, the more relaxed and calm I became. Eventually I drifted into the in-between. Not long after I saw a scene reminiscent of a popular daytime soap opera. In fact, when I saw the scene I thought, “Days of Our Lives”. There was a man at the front of my vision who I recalled from the show. He had dark hair and was facing me and for some reason I thought of him as a doctor, though I don’t remember if he is one or not on the show since I stopped watching it sometime back in the 1990’s. Not long after I recognized all of this, I saw a message in the upper left-hand portion of my vision. Written in white were the words, “Three more days.”

Songs

I woke up as soon as I saw the message. It is always funny how fast they wake me up. As soon as I saw the message and read it the message seemed to echo in my mind and when I woke up I was saying to myself, “Three more days.” It is like I plan it this way so that I remember the messages. It never ceases to amaze me how this process works. I am always surprised. Every time.

Then as I was recovering from the shock of the message that seemed to infer that in three days my life would become a soap opera (ha! I can only guess to what degree) I began to hear the songs.

The first and most prominent song was this one. The part in bold was what was emphasized:

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent 
And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

The second song was one that came along with other syncs yesterday. I won’t go into detail here but the part of the song that was going over and over in my mind both yesterday and today so far is, “Just call me, if you need a friend. Call me. Call me.”

Nurturing Self – Embracing the Goddess Within

At some point this morning I had a conversation with my guidance about becoming the Goddess. There was discussion about being a nurturer and embracing this aspect of myself. This means nurturing not only others but myself. I have not been nurturing myself, though. If anything, I have been neglecting myself.

Part of embracing the Goddess within is embracing and openly expressing emotion. The Goddess is the healer of the world because they are capable of awakening the greatest force within themselves: love. The Divine Goddess can awaken love in others and there is no greater force of healing energy than love. But, in order to heal and awaken others they must be completely awakened to love themselves. It appears that is what I am doing – awakening to my own love so that I can share it with others and fulfill my role as Goddess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Chosen

Prior to bed, a song from long ago popped into my mind. I only heard these two lines, “I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do……I love you.” It wouldn’t go away and I thought it strange that it would just pop into my head.

Early in the night I had a very in-depth dream I wish to recount. It woke me up abruptly at 3:30am and I was not able to return to sleep because of it.

Dream: Chosen

The first thing I remember is being “called” by a man who resembled Mel Gibson. The energy from him was magnetic and attractive but at the same time I recognized that I feared him somewhat. Fear may not be the right word, though. Perhaps a better word would be revered?

He took me from where I had been in dreamtime (which I can’t recall) to where he was, standing next to a large, two storied white house reminiscent of the 1920’s or maybe older. It was old looking with peeling paint but was in good condition overall. The man was standing on the road in front of it. I knew he wanted me to go on a journey with him to a city. In my mind I thought of a small town nearby where I grew up. When I recognized where he wanted me to go, I became a little nervous.

He spoke to me, saying I was chosen by him because of who I was. I was unique somehow and the feeling was that he was asking me to do something very important for humanity. He told me that I was to be with him. His exact wording is lost to me now but the feeling was that we were to be married, as in joined together as one but literally rather than symbolically. He told me he knew about all my flaws and the drawbacks of my personality when I mentioned my unworthiness. He said, “I accept them all, as I accept all of you.” Still, I felt unworthy and kept my distance from him. The energy from him was familiar and beautiful, but I felt undeserving.

He took me across the road to a tunnel I could see right through. On the other side was a man with a shovel. He was digging in red dirt. The man I was with told me that before we could be One I needed to assist the man who was digging. I did not question this. For some reason I knew that helping this man was also helping myself.

Then the man who looked like Mel Gibson said to me, “Are you ready to do this?” When he asked me this I saw a toilet bowl and knew he was referring to more purging. I told him, “Yes.” There was a complete Knowing that this purging was regarding my feelings of unworthiness.

I know we talked in-depth about what it was I needed to do. Part of the purging has to do with my relationship with my mother and healing the “mother wound“.  To effectively purge all the emotion and pain connected to the mother wound I need to be triggered. In other words, a catalyst is needed. I also understood that the pain associated with this wound is part of a core wound that needs to be resolved. If I do not do this, then the “marriage” into Oneness cannot happen.

When I woke up I could still feel the connection I had with the man in my dream. I also had the song from before in my head. I knew what I needed to do and the urge to do it was so powerful that it inhibited sleep. Even though I knew I would go OOB and was being encouraged to calm my mind, I just couldn’t.

The song on my mind was this one:

Upon waking I also knew that the reason the man in my dream looked so much like Mel Gibson was because he was asking me to be brave – as in Braveheart. Even though the nervous feeling in my dream was not very strong, I recognize the dream as a warning. I have agreed to continued purging in order to remove the last vestiges of the False Self. This next stage is going to be rough.

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OBE: Military Moon Base

I woke at 3:30am wide awake from a very lucid dream I won’t go into in this post. It took me until 5:15am to return to sleep.

Lucid Dream: Assignment

I found myself inside an elementary classroom. Children were arriving and I was very obviously filling in for the regular teacher. Her teaching assistant was there and handled most everything. There was a young autistic girl who was my primary focus. I struggled to stay awake, feeling very tired and sluggish and laying my head on the desk of the autistic girl.

When the assistant came to talk to me she said I had been “reassigned”. I said, “No I haven’t. I worked here as a counselor but that job ended on Friday. I don’t even remember signing up to do this.” In my mind I could see a calendar and “Monday” was shown as the present day. There was knowing here that the regular teacher had asked me to fill in for her and that she may be gone for a while.

We looked at the instructions left behind for me and I saw that the autistic girl would be sent to another classroom. I also saw it was time to do a Spelling test. I let the assistant do it as I was still very tired. So tired that my eyes kept closing and my body felt heavy.

I remember hearing a keyboard playing and said something to the student. The student had dark brown, almost black hair and had a tiny keyboard his lap. He grinned at me saying asking me, “Don’t you like the music?” I saw that behind him there was a TV with a cartoon on it. I kept focusing on it. Something about it peaked my lucidity and I realized I could go OOB.

OBE: Military Moon Base

Upon recognizing my OOB state I felt my entire body lighten. All the heaviness I had been feeling seemed to melt instantly away. I went up to the TV and touched the screen. It was solid. I turned to the door and opened it. When I did this I saw a scene begin to materialize. I knew it was my mom’s house but didn’t want to go there. Knowing I could choose where I went, I said aloud to my guidance, “Take me where I need to go.”

My vision blacked out. I was reminded that I decided where I would go. So I thought, “Fall” – as in downward motion. I felt myself begin to rapidly fall as if I had just jumped off a building. I enjoyed the sensation as I sped up, fast and faster. Then I repeated, “Take me where I need to go.” The downward motion stopped and I began to rise rapidly with increasing speed.

I received communication during this time asking me to be more specific about what I wanted and reminding me that I chose my destination. I finally said, “Show me what I need to see.”

My vision came on and I saw that I was very high up in space somewhere. Below me large sections of color were rapidly flying by me. The colors were in different geometric shapes – octagon, hexagon, heptagon, etc. I saw the colors flash in rapid succession – yellow, red, blue, orange, purple, green, violet, indigo – all the colors of the chakras. They almost appeared like a runway below me. I was the one moving, not them, and I was traveling so fast that they looked like they were blinking at me.

I repeated, “Show me what I need to see.” This slowed my movement and the colors and shapes also slowed. Then I was flying over what was very obviously some kind of military installation but the vehicles and technology were far beyond Earth’s. I saw a dome-shaped, yellow vehicle flying close to the ground. It was the size of a tank and the top was covered in points, as if it was a geometric shape in and of itself. As I looked closer I saw a large building and many smaller buildings. All dark in color and seemingly made of metal. There were automated vehicles traveling all around. Some small, some large, some looking like transport vehicles and others looking like robot-type creatures. The sky above was dark as if it was night and the ground was covered in paving material of some kind.

I began to wonder where I was and so searched for signs of life. I saw what appeared to be a robot walking below me. It was all black in color and walked stiffly. Flying down, I stopped in front of it thinking, “I wonder what he will look like?” When I saw him he had a human face and was wearing some kind of stiff, black suit that covered every inch of him except his face. He had large boots on as well. I somehow knew they were magnetic and the reason for his stiff walk. I hovered near him saying, “Hi! What year is it?” He paused and replied, “20-something. I can’t remember.” I realized I was somewhere that did not observe Earth time. I heard something about “moon base” and “quadrant B”.

Another man approached but I never saw him. Instead I became acutely aware of my physical body’s breathing. My breathing was labored and slow, my lungs practically screaming for more air. I woke up and gained control of my breathing but fell right back into the in-between.

cat

Lucid Dream – Adopting a Cat

I recall feeling a lightening bolt of energy shoot into my heart chakra from the left. I also had crystal clear visions of places I’d never been come into my mind only to vanish just as quickly. My body felt very foreign to me and my breathing continued to be labored. My breathing was very erratic, shallow and painfully slow. It felt like I was taking my last breaths. Oddly, I seemed not to care if I stopped breathing.

The next thing I knew I was inside a house hovering over the living room. A friend gave me a calico cat to take care of. She was beautiful and I remember saying, “She seems to still be very young” as I watched her stalking some prey only she could see. I messed with her, making her jump and hiss and saying, “I suppose I can keep her. I hope she doesn’t claw up my leather sofa.” My usual thoughts about cats are that they are better off with someone else. Yet in this dream experience I was thinking it would be nice to have a cat as a pet. I had a genuine love and adoration for her.

My breathing began to distract me in this part. It was super slow and my lungs were screaming at me to wake up and resolve the situation. What is odd is that I still didn’t care. I had no interest in attending to my physical body nor did I feel it was in any danger. Yet the feeling of it is very memorable even now. It felt like I would stop breathing completely and then gasp for air when my body realized it was starved of oxygen. It reminds me now of how my grandmother was breathing in the last day of her life. It was painful to watch.

I finally came back to my body. I was laying on my right side in a fetal position. Even in my body my breathing was labored and my lungs were hurting. I took slow deep breaths for some time but my energy was erratic and I could not get enough oxygen into my lungs to satisfy my body.

Yet I was still unconcerned.

Messages

I rolled onto my back and this seemed to help and my breathing finally leveled out. I entered into the in-between where messages began to pour in. At this time I remember being another version of myself talking to the current version and giving instructions. I can’t recall those instructions now but do recall hearing, “Prime Directive.”

Then I recall hearing a couple of songs. One was All I Need is a Miracle and the other was Paradise City, specifically the part “take me home.”

With the songs going through my head I recall getting a warning. I saw an image of a chocolate heart in my mind. I was told to keep it safe – specifically “Mind your heart.” Then I saw a melting heart and knew it represented what happens when one gets overly obsessed with someone. After that I saw a frozen, brittle heart and saw it break into pieces. I knew this is what happened when one neglected their heart and didn’t let emotion into it.

Very busy and eventful night.

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Vulnerability

According to my guidance as posted on May 9th and other posts after that, yesterday marked the end of an intensely, brutal three week period.  May 30th marked my “graduation”. Now I (We) are embarking on a journey into the unknown.

I had several visions and messages upon waking that reminded me of all the messages warning me of this pivotal moment. I was reminded of dreams such as the one above and one where I had a feeling of trepidation reminiscent of how one feels after they’ve graduated from high school. There was memory of a post by a friend on FB who has been watching a nest of Wrens grow and mature in her garage. Yesterday the three surviving babies left the nest permanently (no coincidence I’m sure). Today is also the last day of school for my children. 🙂

The song Itsy Bitsy Spider came into my mind as well:

The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the waterspout.
Down came the rain
and washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
and dried up all the rain
and the itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again

With the song I heard from my guidance that I was entering a learning period that would last three months and asked if I was ready. The feeling about the song was that I had been washed out by the rain (despair/grief/purging) and now the sun was out (radiance, Divine Power), drying up all the rain so that I could resume my journey “up the water spout”.

Dreams

I was reminded of my dreams last night as well.

In the first one, I was inside a house and two pregnant (growth and development) women with young children came in. They were going to stay in my room. I was very disturbed by this and tried to find a place where I could sleep undisturbed. I remember saying, “It is likely the one or both of those women will go into labor in the middle of the night!” lol

Eventually I went outside to reconnect a plug (power, potential) that had become disconnect inside a helicopter (ambitions). I was warned that I needed to be very careful as it could electrocute me if I didn’t follow the proper sequence. When outside I saw that an entire section of wood fence (barriers) had been taken down revealing the neighbor’s yard. I asked if it would stay that way and was told it would. I heard the only issue was that the neighbor’s cats (feminine power, sexuality)  kept invading the yard.

I took the a black cord to the helicopter. On the way an orange (second chakra) tabby cat ran up to me. He lay down on the ground on his back purring. I was afraid he would bite me, though (afraid of my own power).

When I got inside the helicopter there was a dashboard with a telephone (communication) and other knobs. I was told where to connect it. The final step was to pick up the phone and check the connection. There was a dial tone. I was confused because nothing had happened but was told I had done it correctly.

I knew this dream was about the Kundalini. In fact, my first thought was, “Oh no! Not more cats!” lol The cat represents, for me at least, the sexual and feminine energies of the Kundalini. I usually run away from the cats in dreams. The message I got was to not be afraid. At least now I understand my fear. I tried not to think of how it would manifest this time. It will likely be in an unexpected way.

In another dream I was being treated for a rare illness (grief and self-pity). It manifested symptoms in the dream, but I have trouble remembering them now except that I felt strange. It was energetic, so likely Kundalini. I remember emotionally feeling down and different from the other people around me. I felt like a freak. As I sat waiting for someone to assist me I heard the elevator (rising to higher level) beep. I turned, expecting to see someone but the doors opened and no one was inside. I knew the doors were opening for me. I didn’t dare go inside. I felt defeated and exhausted when I thought of going inside. There was also a feeling of being alone and unique to the point that I felt it unlikely I would ever meet anyone like me. This made me feel that much more like a weirdo, out of place with no friends or hope of fitting in.

Considerations

Though the messages I received were positive, I did not respond positively. Instead I felt disinterest and resistance. All the emotional pummeling I went through recently has depleted me. I feel disillusioned mostly. This is my own fault for trying to force what I wanted on a situation rather than allow it to unfold naturally. Impatience has been my undoing. That is the realm of the Ego-Child. They want everything “now”. And then it doesn’t help that as a spiritual Being time is difficult to gauge. So, in hearing the next three months will be a time of learning and elevation I stopped myself from trying to figure out what this might mean. I will let myself be surprised, or at least try to anyway.

Vulnerability

There is something I want to share here that has been coming up for inspection quite a bit lately. It is related to this new openness that I have been struggling to get use to. The best word for it is vulnerability. Yes, that means being open to attack, but it also means being open to everything else. In the Divine sense it goes along with complete surrender and a willingness to expose ones self to the good and the bad alike. I am coming to terms with the fact that this vulnerability is my new normal.

This article sums up vulnerability quite well.

It starts to make sense that we dismiss vulnerability as weakness only when we realize that we’ve confused feeling with failing and emotions with liabilities. If we want to reclaim the essential emotional part of our lives and reignite our passion and purpose, we have to learn how to own and engage with our vulnerability and how to feel the emotions that come with it. For some of us, it’s new learning, and for others it’s relearning. Either way, the research taught me that the best place to start is with defining, recognizing, and understanding vulnerability.

I have been receiving nudges to let myself feel and allow others to see this side of me. I struggle a great deal with the latter. I look awful when I cry. My face gets red, my eyes are puffy and my nose is like Rudolph’s. I feel ill when I think of others seeing this side of me. I retract from it. I want to hide and often I do, usually retreating to any isolating space.

When I was a child my crying was criticized, my emotions rejected. There was very little to no sympathy from my mother. In fact, my tears seemed to make her angrier. Eventually, I developed this anger as well. I got angry with her and myself for crying. Even happy tears were hidden or repressed.

When I was pregnant the emotional side-effects were my nemesis. I could not control my tears and they often came on the minute the emotion was felt. And then they seemed to go on and on. I remember bursting into tears one time when I stopped by to talk to my boss about some issues. He was very nice and let me cry but I felt humiliated by the experience thinking to myself, “He must think I am such a sap.” He offered sympathy and I outright rejected it. Why? Because it caused more tears and emotion.

I reject sympathy from everyone when I am emotional, too. My mother taught me well. Her lesson was that a good woman is a strong women who doesn’t show others her weakness. To be a weak woman is to agree that men are the stronger gender.

Yeah, royally messed up but that is what I have to work with in the life.

What I am finding, though, is that I long to be emotional, to snuggle into the arms of a man and cry my eyes out without feeling he will reject or criticize me for being weak. Instead, he will see my emotion as strength. This is as it should be. I have very seldom exposed myself to anyone in this way. If I have, it is likely with a woman and not a man. The few times I have cried and hugged my husband there was no comfort to be found. I felt judged, weak and guilty. For some reason I feel judged by him, as if my pain is a burden on him.

The sad thing is that my own daughter already shows signs that she also believes emotion equals weakness. Her biggest fear is that she will start to cry at school and everyone will see her and judge her, ridicule her or think of her as the girl who cries all the time. I assume just her exposure to the woman in my family (me included) has led her down this path. Or maybe she brought it in with her from another lifetime. I try my best to comfort her when she cries. Sadly, I normally get pushed away and yelled at.

Will I be able to come to terms with this new, vulnerable state I find myself in all the time? I guess I’m going to have to.

 

 

 

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Entering Another Section of the Equinox Portal: Clearing the Human Genetic Line

Whew! I feel I have made it to the “other side” of the hellish purging. Finally, some relief is to be had. However, I was given a glimpse in my dreams of what to expect in the coming weeks of June. June, in fact, is one hell of a month for those of us nearing the final stages of the embodiment journey. We are not done yet. Not by a long-shot!

If you do not follow my other blog, check out the video I posted yesterday for more information on what was happening over the last two weeks and what to expect in the first two weeks of June.

Dream Revelations

I spent all night walking in the shoes of my ancestors. I went back hundreds of years, visiting family members as far back as the 1600’s (maybe even further back than that). In the dream I was in a cemetery unearthing their graves, busting through the casings that covered the earth they were buried under, and reading their names and dates of life-death as I received information on their individual histories.

As I met one they would join me as I met with another. In the end I had a crowd of ancestors, all female, at my side. It was made clear that our combined history was much more than DNA, much more than blood, much more than these bodies we occupy incarnation after incarnation.

There is faint memory of an energy coursing through me as I experienced this. I am certain it was Kundalini energy, muted by lack of lucidity and the result of a request I made months ago to lessen my awareness of it. Even as I try to recall it, the memory seems to run away from me, hiding. I am okay with it as I understand it is necessary that I not get caught up in the crazy energy and my near-obsession with it.

Clearing Two “Genetic” Lines

When I awoke I recalled much more than just the dreams. In fact, the dreams themselves and the specifics of them were mostly tossed in recognition and understanding of the bigger picture they represented.

Our ancestral line consists of two branches: biological/genetic organism and spiritual Being. Though it may seem that we as spiritual beings would select a specific human genetic line to reincarnate in over and over, this is not the case. We often purposefully avoid staying within the same human genetic line. Some will reincarnate within the same family multiple times, but it is more likely that we will reincarnate within the same geographic area than within the same genetic line.

However, in contrast, we will reincarnate with our spiritual family almost exclusively. It is very rare that we experience close ties in our incarnations with someone who is not part of this family, extended or otherwise. Yes, we are all “related” but we have specific soul groups we associate with. I am told this association is along the lines of vibration and experience level. These others are our “family” and their vibration/experience is analogous to the “blood” ties we have with out human genetic family.

Currently, as we continue to peel away the layers of the False Self, we are exploring and clearing both the human genetic line of our current physical body as well as the spiritual one.

Symbiosis

When we come into a physical body we negotiate a symbiotic relationship with it – the mutually beneficial kind. Believe it or not, the human genetic organism is a Being within itself, one with its own experiences and purpose separate from our own. It is very simplistic compared to us but nonetheless it is to be respected as any living organism on planet Earth.

In memories of relating to various bodies over lifetimes, I viewed the bodies I occupied much like I view a beloved pet. I loved each of them. I cared for them, their well-being, their health. I wanted to be with them and did not want them to die. I had a strong attachment to them. To experience the death of my body was like experiencing the death of part of myself. This is the very definition of a symbiotic relationship.

You may not believe this or maybe have never considered it. I was the same until I was shown/Remembered it. I have memory of negotiating with the body I currently inhabit. I approached it when it was still in the uterus, around the six month developmental mark. I was not alone, either. My Companion was with me, helping me and instructing me on how to go about connecting with this body. I recall having to be very gentle with it. I asked permission to be with it, though it was without words. It was more of an energetic exchange where I “touched” it and let it feel me out. It decided if we were to live together in this life, not me. I am grateful for its acceptance.

The relationship is symbiotic in that neither of us could survive without the other. The body needs a spiritual Being to survive. Without one it would come into the world and die quite quickly. The body without the spiritual Being is like an newborn infant. It only has instinct and its body is not developed enough to go about living on its own. Yes, the parents could feed it and provide for it, but without a Spiritual Being to pilot it, it would be devoid of a personality, awareness of self, and the many other attributes that make a human a human. It would, in essence, be a vegetable, maintaining infancy well into adulthood.

The same goes for us as the spiritual Beings who inhabit the body. We cannot experience the physical without a physical body. We offer the physical body continued care and maintenance. It offers us a lifetime of experience in the physical.

dna

Clearing the Human Genetic Line

In June we will be clearing the human genetic line, the line of our current physical body all the way back to its origin point. That’s a lot of clearing. This is the realm of cellular memory. The lives we will review and clear have not, for the most part, been lived by us. As we clear these past human lives, and the memory of them contained in the cells of the body, we are working on a cellular level which includes the genetic level (DNA). The process results in a clean slate on which to build and restructure the human biological being we currently inhabit. Without this clearing the physical form would not be able to handle the immense amount of Light it will be holding in the near future.

The clearing of the human genetic line can easily be confused as clearing the “Collective”. It is not exactly that, but it fits in with this idea because the genetic line is extensive and branches out the farther from the origin point one gets.

So ultimately we are doing twice the clearing – our Spiritual line (our past lives to include multidimentional aspects) and the human genetic line of the physical body we occupy in this incarnation.

Why clear the human genetic line? That cellular memory, well it’s not always helpful. In fact, it usually is the opposite of helpful. If somewhere early in the genetic line there was a strong experience that led to death, that experience remains in cellular memory. These memories can be triggered by similar events and manifest in the present body. Not fun and very confusing for the Spiritual Being who inhabits the body. An example would be if the somewhere way back on the genetic line an ancestor died from drowning. Later on anxiety or other ailments could result when even a tiny part of that memory is triggered. The genetic organism wants to survive so it holds onto any experience that threatens its survival. So the memories are usually not pleasant, full of fear, and highly instinctive.

How will we experience this clearing? Don’t worry, if you have gotten this far you have done most of the work already, most of it without knowing. Some physical manifestations could present themselves but really there is nothing you need to do except be aware that this kind of clearing is occurring. Tuning into your Self and being aware and heart-centered will allow you to avoid being the effect of any unfortunate triggers that may arise.

Oh, and by the way, the spiritual clearing we have been doing, it continues right alongside the clearing of the genetic line. The work continues. More purging is to be expected.