Category Archives: Dreams

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Lucidity in Dream: Searching for Retreat

Prior to bed I’d asked to have a week’s worth of OBEs because I so miss my adventures in dreamtime. I remember wishing I could just sleep through the week and have a continuous OBE. Oh how wonderful that would be!

Dream: Searching for Retreat

The dream began with me searching “online” for a retreat to go to. I didn’t see a computer screen but a black/blank space upon which my thoughts were projected. The first place I searched was the southwest and, after not seeing any that interested me, changed it to southeast. A Massachusetts retreat showed up, I remember thinking, “That’s not south”. I did look at this one more closely but was discouraged by the way it was set up primarily to make money. So, I tried “North America”. The results were a retreat located on the piece of land connecting North and South America – Panama I suppose. This time I thought, “No, not in another country.” Finally, I entered/thought, “The United States”. 

I shifted to a new scene. I was with a man who was a representative of a retreat center located in Arizona. He asked me why I selected his retreat and I said I knew someone in that area. I didn’t remember selecting this particular retreat, however. The man wore a tropical themed shirt and had a big smile and twinkling eyes. He said the retreat name but all I remember now is that it had Bora Bora in it (definitely not AZ). He asked me a lot of questions and we discussed what I needed from my time in retreat. I remember getting a bit sad and told him, “I can’t do it alone”. My thoughts went to my other half and the feeling of completion I felt. It seemed impossible that I would ever heal if I had to do all the healing on my own.

I was taken to my room but I don’t remember much about this part of the dream. 

Then I was walking outside looking at the retreat grounds. I walked past a very nice swimming area. It was clear it was intended for people with lots of money and somehow I recognized that if I was willing to spend enough money I could enjoy this area. I entered the swimming pool thinking, “I wonder how much for an hour. I would be willing to pay whatever they asked for time alone here.” I looked around me at the various others lounging in and around the pool. I thought it would be perfect for me if all of them were just…gone. A couple of women on the end of the pool glanced at me and I felt a weird vibe from them that suggested they didn’t want me there. Sighing because it was a feeling I was very familiar with, I exited the pool. I told my guide, “I need a retreat just for Projectors.” My thoughts were that this, and all the retreats I looked at, were created with Generating types in mind. Generating types were the very reason I needed a retreat!

I got out of the pool and walked towards a walkway leading to a lookout area. I couldn’t see what was below but I could tell I was up high. There was a couple at the end of the pier at the observation point. I paused and put my hand on the wooden railing. It was very solid and I could feel the wood grain under my fingers. I slid my fingers up and down it and thought, “It feels so real. I wonder if I am really here?” Momentarily I could feel myself in two locations, one in the dream and the other in physical reality. It was an odd feeling and I knew immediately that I was in both places and both were equally real. This came as pure Knowing and my reaction was disinterest. It was clear I was focused on the dream reality which brought me relief. I thought, “If only I could stay here forever.” This was my agreement to continue in the dream.

I walked towards the couple noting that the wooden railings were not permanent structures. It was clear it was still under construction. As I approached the couple I could sense their annoyance at my entry into their auric fields. I continued, indifferent to their “pain” at my interruption and walked past them. I stood on the far end of the observation point, trying to give them plenty of space in hopes their reaction to me would improve. Next to me on the railing I saw a phone, probably theirs. I ignored it and peered out into the darkness in front of me. Without seeing them, I could feel the couple grab the phone and leave, taking their uncomfortable energy with them. Sighing in relief, I continued to stare in out into the darkness. Melancholy washed over me and I felt myself shift back into my physical body.

When I woke I felt sad. Disappointed that I was still here in this physical experience and sad that there was nowhere in physical reality that would provide me with what I wanted and needed. 

I lingered a while, thinking of the dream experience, contemplating how I was feeling. It is hard to describe and the words that I want to use just don’t feel correct. I tried to will myself back to the dream and when I did this I heard a strange sound emanate from my upper chest. It was so loud it startled me out of my reverie. It sounded very much like a bullfrog call. Weird! I didn’t physically feel it and it was not from my throat or even the central part of my chest. It seemed to come from that area around my collarbones and I heard it from within, so not with my physical ears.

Dream: Black Thread

I was sitting with three others. We were sewing. I have no idea what we were sewing but I ran out of black thread. I asked the man sitting across from me if I could get more. He seemed like he was in charge; like a teacher. He turned to the man next to him and requested some of his black thread. The man hesitated, looked at me and then handed him some thread. It was thick and not typical thread so more like yarn. The teacher then held the black thread out to me. When I reached for it he handed it to the man sitting to my left. I turned and saw the man to my left take it. He looked down at it for a moment and communicated that he did not want that color. His communication was without words and came to me as a Knowing. I asked if we could trade. Maybe he needed another color? I suggested yellow and he seemed hesitant. I saw the thread in his hand change to yellow as he considered it. He then asked me if I preferred blue. I was very happy with this because I didn’t really want or need black either. The thread in his hand instantly turned blue and he handed it to me. Thrilled, I immediately embraced him and he smiled and embraced me back. 

I woke up wondering about the significance of the dream. My conclusion was that we were all sewing our life tapestries and I had grown tired of using black (sadness, depression). I preferred to add some color into my life. To me, blue is the color of vibrancy and life. It is my favorite color, but it is also the color of the throat chakra.

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OBE: Dust Devil

Amazing, unexpected OBE early this morning (2am).

OBE: Dust Devil

I found myself looking up at a hillside covered in various plants and trees. My mom was standing to my left. Amongst the trees was one that stood out because it was losing it’s leaves. At first it reminded me of a Magnolia tree until I saw how long the leaves were. I thought, It must be some kind of tropical tree.

My mom pointed towards the land saying, “Guess we should build you a cabin.” I remember thinking it was 1 acre of land. In response to my mom I said something regarding the location of the land as I was trying to figure out where exactly it was. In my mind I thought it was above my grandparent’s old home.

Above the tree that was losing it’s leaves I could make out a very light gray, cloud-like object that seemed to be forming into a funnel. I recognized it to be a dust devil and knew it was harmless. I pointed it out to my mom. Not long after, the dust devil became more defined and headed towards us. At the moment it seemed like we were both inside and outside at the same time. There was most definitely some kind of separation between us and the “outside” but it appeared completely see through.

When the dust devil was directly over us, the “building” we were in began to shift and rumble. I lost balance but didn’t fall – I just laughed. I turned towards the back considering looking out the “door” to see the dust devil better. As I walked towards the “door” I felt myself pulled upward with immense force and speed. It was as if a large hand grabbed me almost violently from behind. I was forced up at an angle into the sky where I could see my mom’s figure growing ever smaller below me. Shocked, I immediately yelled out, “I am out-of-body! This is a dream!” Thrilled and now fully aware, I willed myself to stop. It worked. I hovered above my mom for a second and then willed myself back towards her. It was very difficult to move against the pull of the unseen force but I managed to do so just long enough to yell to my mom, “Come on Mom!” I was inviting her to come fly with me but she just looked up in my direction. I don’t even know if she could see me. It didn’t matter because it was clear she wasn’t coming. Before I had a chance to register much the same immense force grabbed hold of me from behind and pulled me back and up again at tremendous speed. I screamed like I was on a rollercoaster ride. It was exhilarating! While screaming I was thinking, This is SO fun!!! I perceived myself moving towards space but the excitement of the moment along with the shrill screaming coming out of my mouth woke me. 

I felt my body jolt awake with my return. My heart was pounding and I was thinking, “What fun! I want to go back!” Of course, I couldn’t. I was too awake and excited. 

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Dream Encounter

Slept okay with lots of dreams. Had an interesting dream encounter, also.

Dream: Find Your Family

I received a call informing me of something that seemed important. I can’t recall what it was or who called, but it felt like a bank called me. 

Then I was taken to a large office-like building. Inside were lots of random people, none I recognized. A person approached me and asked me some questions about certain people, bringing up names and asking me if I knew them, etc. One name I recognized as my husband’s family but my description of her did not match theirs. Overall, it felt like an interrogation and I was becoming nervous and suspicious because I didn’t understand why I was there.

Eventually I was informed that everyone there was part of an ancestry project that reunited families that had been separated. A person announced to everyone,”Find your family”. I stood confused for a moment and then stepped aside as others began to form small groups. A handful of others and myself stood separate from the others. We looked at each other questioningly. I remember saying, “I don’t have one [a family].” The others with me nodded in agreement- neither did they. 

One man approached the person in charge, demanding to know what was going on. I moved away, towards the front door, thinking I would just leave. When I got to the door it had a large, silver electronic lock on it. I wasn’t going anywhere. I leaned up against the window looking out, not really concerned. Then the man, having not gotten any answers, wandered over to the door also. He looked at the lock and then at me and said, “I guess we’re stuck here.” He seemed angry.

Dream Encounter

The next thing I know I am sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. There is a man to my left. We are sitting quite close and it feels very intimate. In front of us is my youngest son. He is moving around quite freely as if the truck has unlimited space. I notice his hair is out of place so I reach out and comb it in place. Then he shows me his finger saying he lost the ring. I can see a green spot where the ring use to sit. It seems like he had been wearing a cheap ring on it for a while. 

The whole time I am sitting with this man who feels very familiar. In fact, he feels like someone I know in real life. While I am interacting with my son, I lean into this man and hug him tight. When finished hugging him I don’t move but stay close, laying in his arms. 

The man brings up “cold hands and feet” for some reason. I suddenly feel very concerned because I often have cold, clammy hands. Will he reject me because of it? I reply truthfully to him that I often have cold hands and feet but lately they have been warmer than usual. He doesn’t seem to judge me for it and stretches out his bare feet and wiggles his toes as if to emphasize the “cold feet” part. Then he reaches out and takes my hand in his own. He comments that my hand is not cold at all. I relax, relieved. 

We remain holding hands, laying in each others arms. He is quite tall, so his chest and torso are above my head. Yet I can look up at him easily. I feel suddenly very nervous because I can sense the energy shifting. I worry he wants to kiss me. I look up and he looks back at me. He says to me, “That’s funny, is that stabs on your eyes?” I think my mind shifts the words a bit because I immediately look away, self-conscious of something on my face. But I look back almost immediately when I hear his words because I am confused. Did he say “Stabs” or “Scabs”? And on my eyes??

When I look back at him all I see are his eyes. They are golden with specks of yellow and the pupils are pinpricks; barely visible. It is like his eyes are a precious stone like tiger’s eye or yellow jasper. I am instantly pulled into them. I recognize something in his eyes. At the same time, a very odd feeling hits me in the high heart, that spot just above the heart chakra but just below the throat chakra. It feels like I am hit with lightening but at the same time an energy comes back out that feels so strange, so unfamiliar, that it wakes me up.

Messages

As I wake I begin to sob. The emotion just pours out of me but I have no idea why. I don’t feel any specific emotion, yet I am crying. And that odd feeling in my high heart is still lingering. It doesn’t feel bad but it feels….strange. I have felt all kinds of Kundalini energy but this, this was beyond strange! It felt like something was both going into me and being sucked out of me at the same time.

And those eyes. OMG! They weren’t human.

Still sensing his presence, I ask him, “Who are you?” He replies, “I am you.” This is a familiar response, and something about it causes me to fall instantly into Knowing. This is something I have experienced before but practically forgot. How could I forget? 

He asks me, “Why are you sad?” And another wave of emotion pours out of me. Now wide awake and sobbing into my pillow, I try to answer him, but really, I have no idea. However, part of my answer was, “I feel lost” and “I don’t feel like I belong.”

The entire time I was getting visuals of him still holding my hand and messages such as, “We love you” and “You are not alone.” All familiar. 

I am reminded of a vision received not long ago. I saw a watch laying on the floor followed by a flash of something else, I think the entrance or exit to a pool of water,  indicating endings and beginnings. The song, It’s Time came to mind. This song has recently been repeating. I Knew the watch = “It’s time” and the water = “To begin”. 

Another song, Wake Me Up Inside, has also been coming to mind.

Interpretation

The first dream seems to reflect my feelings of not belonging. I am there to find my family but have none. I feel trapped amongst strangers (door is locked). 

The encounter dream is sending me a message about “cold feet”. It is pretty obvious now, but in the dream I was too preoccupied with concerns that I would cause the man not to like me to notice. 

The green ring marks on the boys hands are probably a message about Union or marriage or something similar. Rings that leave green marks are not genuine so perhaps it symbolizes a relationship that is not genuine? I still haven’t figured it out yet. 

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Message: Wounded

After the dream message, “Just let go”, I began to wonder if maybe I don’t truly understand what it means to let go. And I wondered, “Let go of what?” I searched it and found several articles. This was a good one – How to Let Go and Free Yourself.

I recognized that maybe what I am holding onto is past hurt and disappointment. Holding onto these things is not helping me move forward or be present in the Now. The problem with some of that hurt and disappointment is that my life is filled with people who continue to hurt and disappoint me. How do I let go of hurt and disappointment by these people if I still live and interact with them daily? Knowing I should have no expectations is easy. Doing it, difficult!

Then there is the trauma I experienced with the heart connection. It has skewed my outlook on life and increased my bitterness tenfold. The hurt and decimation I experienced has been difficult to move through.

At the time of the heart connection I was going through a major Kundalini rising and had several K-events before, during and after. I came to see myself as special for these experiences – and I was – but then those experiences died alongside the heart connection. Now I am back to being just ordinary and left floundering about, trying to figure out what I am suppose to do. Who am I?

This morning I was awakened by a message. It came via a vision of a word being written in my mind, one letter at a time. The word was: Wounded. It was written in white, cursive letters on a light blue background.

This confirmed that to let go, I need to inspect my wounds, acknowledge and accept them as a part of me – my battle scars – but not allow them to define me.  

As I lingered in bed I had a memory from my childhood that gave me pause. As a little girl of probably 6-7 years old, I use to wonder, “What is love? What does love feel like?” These questions came up often as I grew, too. In fact, they were frequently on my mind. I truly didn’t know, based upon my own feelings and what I’d observed and experienced in my life, what love was. 

I think these questions came about as a result of the experiences I had with my mother and siblings early on. My mother could be very loving and cuddly, but more frequently she was quite mean and ruthless. Surely love wasn’t physical and emotional abuse, ridicule and humiliation? Not only that, but my siblings never seemed to show a consistent love for me either. In fact, I felt less from them than my mother. And my father? He was completely distant and unreachable for the most part. Being myself often resulted in rejection but being what (I thought) they wanted me to be did, too. So confusing!

I remember deciding at one point that I must love someone if when I thought of them dying it made me sad. I think I was a teenager or pre-teen when I decided that was what love was and felt like. Still, though, something about that answer didn’t feel right. 

Perhaps I have been on a quest to learn what love is this entire life? It seems so. Have I figured it out? Not exactly. I am closer to understanding it, though. For certain, the human definition of love is not the same as the Divine type. Human love is riddled with expectation and as a result can be withheld and taken away at will. Human love can be horribly cruel and destructive. Divine love is consistent and flows through everyone and everything. It is not withheld or taken away. Everything about Divine Love acknowledges and accepts the individual AS THEY ARE. Sadly, the human experience and conditioning can and most often does block us from receiving this kind of love. So human love has trumped the Divine kind. 

My experience of Divine Love and then the seeming loss of it has scarred me. I don’t like human love and don’t want to participate in any of it. Yet that is all that surrounds me. Human love is so riddled with expectation that I feel like I am on an obstacle course in every relationship I have, trying hard not to get knocked down by the sudden realization that, for each person, I am not enough and never will be. 

Then I thought of my completely open solar plexus in Human Design. I have absolutely no defined way of experiencing emotion, love included. I can be completely devoid of feeling/emotion or I feel it all to the point of overwhelm. Mostly I am neutral. This often causes other people to think of me as cold and unfeeling. They often feel my neutrality as rejection, especially those with defined solar plexuses. Sadly, I will never know what they know in this life because I do not have the means to. Love will be a mystery until I die. As will all the other emotions. 

On the bright side, having a completely open solar plexus frees me from emotional decision-making. Well, I am free only if I avoid being pulled into others emotions and letting those emotions sway me. Unfortunately, others do not see my decision-making as good if I disregard emotion, mine and others.

The message of me being “wounded” is likely linked to my openness (HD). So much conditioning, so much confusion on my part as I try to navigate life and constantly run into people who pull me one way or the other. I am meant to flow but how do I maintain flow when I am being pulled in so many directions? Do I just ignore what feelings I have all the time, remaining neutral throughout? I don’t want to just be trampled all the time, yet that is how I feel. I feel powerless almost all the time. It is no wonder I am always trying in vain to control things – anything to help me feel more sane.

I recognize that we come here to navigate the obstacle course called life. It is a “game”. Sadly, I feel I have been knocked down so much I don’t want to play the game anymore. Why get back up only to be knocked back down? I’ve gotten to the point that even the simplest life problems take a huge toll on me. The tiniest amount of effort exhausts me (emotionally mostly, but also physically at times). 

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Lucid Dream: Just Let Go

Yesterday afternoon, I was driving my daughter home from a friend’s house. I had just merged onto the highway and came to another entrance ramp and had to slow to let a truck merge. Something fell out of the truck and rolled in a crumpled heap on the road. At first I thought it was a squirrel but it jumped up, very much alive and well, and it was a kitten! It ran into the grassy median. The truck must’ve seen it, braked hard and drove through the median and onto the feeder road going the wrong way. Both myself and my daughter were relieved the kitten had survived.

While this may seem like a coincidental happening, I don’t believe it was and I will reveal why later.

Then, last night I had a fleeting thought about how my sleep no longer feels like the reprieve it once did. I no longer look forward to sleep nor do I look forward to writing in my blog or journal because of it. Then came a thought of, “This is about the time something normally happens.” “Something” meaning an OBE, lucid dream, K dream or guide visit (or all of the above). 

Lucid Dream: Just Let Go

I suddenly became aware of traveling inside a car. I was floating inside, not sitting, and the details of the actual car were missing. It was more like a huge, confined space. I felt someone with me but didn’t see him. I thought of him as Tom Cruise (lol). He directed my attention to an open moon roof above me. I think he suggested I go out and my mind responded with uncertainty. There was a feeling of being told that I should take the risk, that’s what Tom would do. 

So, I went through the window. My thoughts were focused on what could happen with the main scenario being that I would float and not fall. Sure enough, I floated over the moving car and it sped ahead. Below I could see the road, above a blue sky and around me tall trees. 

I flew forward as I continued to talk with the man in my mind. My vision was clear as I flew, but I was mostly looking inward so my memory of the scenery is limited to flashes of imagery. Eventually, I came to some structures and flew through them one by one. Fully expecting to feel the fibers and constructions of the objects, I braced myself, but only felt an interruption in energy and lost my vision briefly. Some structures took longer to fly through than others. The more objects I passed through, the less tense I was. 

At one point, as I was flying and practicing moving through objects, I began to focus on my breathing, taking deep, purposeful breaths. The whole time I was talking with the man who I never once saw but perceived to be flying beside me.

Eventually, I paused and just floated a while, still taking deep breaths. I close my eyes and flipped upside down and then spun around. This also made me feel a bit worried but I reassured myself that however I landed would be right side up. Still spinning, a song-like chant began to go through my mind. It was a woman’s voice singing, “Just let go….Just let go…Just let go….” I began to sing along with her, my breathing deepening. The sensations of floating and slowly spinning was pleasant but I knew I was gaining lucidity quickly because I began to have awareness of my physical body, specifically breathing and the sensations of my closed eyes.

In the background, behind the main chant-like message of “Just let go”, another song was playing in my mind. It was Imagine Dragons, It’s Time. 

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am

As I grew more lucid and right before I opened my physical eyes, I saw visuals of symbols flying at me at high speed and then disappearing into me, as if being absorbed. I recognized them as Light Language and this was what finally woke me.

Knowing

Once awake I struggled to return to sleep. I had a familiar feeling of Knowing, something I haven’t felt in a long time, and when I thought about the dream I received tingling energy hugs that spread from the center of my back to my front in waves. 

Besides the more obvious messages of the songs, I Knew the dream practice of going through objects contained a message. The objects represented moments in life where I would run into obstacles and temporarily lose sight of the path ahead. I would also experience an interruption in energy. This interruption and loss of vision had the potential to throw me off kilter but was temporary. I remember distinctly knowing that “Tom” said to me when I got to the other side of one of the objects, “You are the same now as you were before.” This is probably where the Imagine Dragons song came from. This message was loud and clear as I lay in bed contemplating the experience. It is true. Every obstacle I encounter in life has the tendency to throw me off for a while. I lose sight of my path and the energy feels all wrong. Eventually, though, I get to the other side and when I do I am exactly as I was before but perhaps with more courage and insight.

There was also a distinct reminder that I am a walk-in. Not long ago, on May 29, I had a dream in which I was reminded of this fact, too.

“I saw an older Asian woman sitting, legs extended on a large bed covered in nice linens. She said, “Come. Sit on my lap.” I hesitated, not knowing who she was or why she would ask such a thing. She patted her lap encouragingly, so I climbed up onto the bed with her. I said, “I am too big.” She patted her lap again and so I climbed onto her lap. She asked, “What is bothering you?” I suddenly felt very much like a small child in her grandmother’s lap. Sadness and grief swept over me and I replied, “I wish I were Home.” I burst into tears and woke up. 

The conversation with the woman continued after I woke despite my trying to return to sleep. The conversation details are mostly lost to me now. The main thing I recall is that I Remembered all at once and Knowing returned. To summarize, I remembered that I was a walk-in and had been integrating for quite a long time.“

After the above dream I still doubted the walk-in because memory of those times seems like a dream; like it wasn’t real and never happened. The return of Light Language symbols in this dream seemed to scream, “Remember who you are.” 

Dream: No Ordinary Guide

I managed to return to sleep and had another telling dream. In the dream I was with my friend Angela and a man who I didn’t recognize. He was young and black and quite attractive. We were sitting at a table discussing hair and he said he was growing his out. I asked if he planned to grow an afro again and he said yes with a big smile. I told him he looked good with it and also that he was very attractive and if I were his age I would date him. lol I then reminisced about my youth for a bit.

The discussion shifted to the spiritual and guides. I ended up channeling a guide who I thought was Angela’s but turned out to be my own. The young black man would ask me questions and I would answer them. I also had a blind fold over my eyes and kept it there for quite a long time. 

What I most recall about this guide was he was no ordinary guide. When I described his purpose it was quite profound. I wish I can recall the exact words now! In summary, though, he was not a typical guide but one sent to assist in ascension specifically. That was his only purpose. My sense in the dream was that he was “one of those guides” as in the kind I use to encounter that often resembled ETs or ascended masters. 

Eventually I took off my mask and drove my friend to her appointment. I got lost, though, and we ended up arriving late and the hair dresser wouldn’t do her hair. My friend asked me to color her hair and I agreed and the dream ended. 

Back to the Kitten….

The evening of the walk-in dream (May 29th) I had a short dream about a kitten. Cats and kittens symbolically represent the Divine Feminine, at least for me. I don’t like cats so dreams about cats and kittens are not because of my love for them. So, when they make an entrance I pay attention.

“Then I watched as a new, fluffy, orange kitten was being introduced to a house that had two adult cats, one male and the other female. The kitten was first introduced to the female, a calico, who initially hissed at it but then began to mother it. Then it was introduced to the male who immediately liked it. They both treated it like their own and someone commented that the kitten reminded the cats of their own kittens who had long been given away.“

When I woke from the above above dream, the Asian woman from the earlier dream sent me a vision.

“I was reminded that it was time to step into my role; who I was to become (or something like that). I saw at this time a large, gold embellished picture frame with no picture inside as a visual of the message. It felt like I was to create what would be displayed in the frame. I knew it was a picture of myself that was meant to go there.” 

I don’t think it coincidence that I saw the kitten fall out of the truck and survive on the highway. It is too “coincidental ” that I had a walk-in reminder dream right after.

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Not on the “Volunteer List”

My heart palpitations have not gone completely. They are much improved now that I don’t drink caffeine, but they’re not gone. The other night I had a mild panic attack because of them. My skin is still itchy, though less so than it was. I am also still more tired in the evenings than usual, sleeping so deep that sometimes I wake up panicked. I also have evidence now of the heart rate abnormalities. I track my sleep and my heart rate spiked to 145bpm one night not long ago. I don’t remember it, but it happened.

I’ve decided not to visit a doctor about it. Why? Because, if this is what my mom has, they will prescribe me a medication that will need to be taken for the rest of my life. I don’t want to do that. I would rather just tolerate the palpitations. There is a surgery that can be done, but I’m not interested in that, either. Palpitations lead to an increased risk of stroke and heart attack. Bring it on! I’ve already been here longer than I would like and I am especially miserable now. 

There is little that remains of my spiritual experiences these days. Everything is mundane and boring. I’m back to the beginning, back to when life wasn’t magical. Back when there were no adventures into the unknown world of Spirit. The difference is now I know the magic and adventure exists but I cannot access it. 

I’ve decided if this is how the rest of my life will be, I want no part in it. If I can’t at least escape this world in the night via my dream explorations, if I am denied access to Spirit and all the wonderful mysterious of the Beyond, I don’t want to be here. Losing all of the above has been devastating. There is nothing in this mundane, boring, negative world that sparks interest in me. I just….exist.

As a 6/2 profile (Human Design), this is a difficult time in my life. Ra says that if the 6th line can’t navigate the last stage of their life, when they come “down from the roof ” and rejoin the world, then they often do not live beyond the age of 60. I’m fast approaching that third stage. This year starts the preparatory years leading up to age 50 and my Chiron return. 

When I read what Ra said about 6th lines I immediately thought, “I will be one of those who doesn’t make it”. This is because I have no interest in rejoining a world like this one. I’ve never actually been keen on this world. From my earliest years I’ve been asking – begging – to go Home. My focus has always been on “the end” from the beginning. I’m the kid in the backseat asking repeatedly, “Are we there yet?” 

And I can honestly say I don’t like most people. I am tired of pretending to like them, too. I’ve given up on trying to help. They don’t listen and they don’t want my help, so why bother? 

If my dreams are still any indicator of what is to come (unlikely but I can hope), then it appears I am preparing to exit this life sooner rather than later.

Dream: Clearing Out My Classroom (5/14/23)

I was a teacher and it was the last day of school. I wasn’t returning the next school year so had to clear out my classroom. The thing is, my classroom didn’t resemble a classroom inside but a house!

The first place I cleared out was the kitchen. I removed all the items from the shelves. As I was looking over my work and checking to make sure the drawers and shelves were empty, I noticed flowers growing from the window sill. I said something about leaving behind flowers. I could see purple ones blooming, their roots firmly embedded in the wood of the window. 

I found a box of baking soda and decided to leave it and sprinkle some on the shelves. I also left behind a small, rusted, heart shaped cake pan, setting it in the center of one of the shelves. 

Then I walked towards the living room and decided to grab things to pack away as I walked. There were family pictures lining the shelves. I grabbed each one and stacked them in my arms. There was also a massive mirror I took down and set on its size. I remember thinking it weighed much less than I thought it would. 

At the end of the dream I was in the hallway after shutting my now empty classroom/house. I looked around, noticing how empty and quiet it was. It appeared I was the only one left in the building. This is when I woke up. 

When I woke I felt very good, very peaceful and calm. It seemed like the dream was me contemplating ending a phase of life – or maybe ending life. The feeling I had in the dream was similar to how I’ve felt when I’ve left schools at the end of the school year knowing I wasn’t going to return. It always felt good knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with the BS of the job, the people, and the schedule. Such a relief!

The symbolism of the dream seems to point at an end to life. The classroom is my house, or soul-self in this lifetime. I go through and clear out everything. I leave behind baking soda, which is used to keep spaces smelling good by absorbing bad odors. This could be my attempt to cleanse the space. Then I leave behind a rusty old, heart-shaped cake pan. I obviously don’t think I need it anymore. The cake pan is likely what is left of my attempts to create love. I take down all the family pictures, placing them face down in a pile in my arms. I don’t linger and look at them wistfully. I just want them gone. I also remove a massive mirror. I never look at my reflection in it, I just take it down and lay it on the floor.

The feeling of relief at leaving the classroom in the end is what was more memorable. I felt so at peace with it. 

Dream: Not on the Volunteer List

The dream starts outside on city streets. I am both present and an observer. I see a couple of women approach another woman. There is a verbal confrontation. The women verbally threaten the other woman. I can feel the emotions of the threatened woman. She is shaken and tense, unsure and anxious. 

Then I am watching the previously threatened woman enter a classroom. A short, plump woman with blonde hair approaches her. She is the teacher. I can experience the emotions of the teacher, who seems to be the teacher. She senses that the woman who just entered has had a rough morning. She immediately soothes her and escorts her to a sofa and grabs a blanket. She tells the woman to rest and pulls the blanket around her for comfort. I can feel what the teacher feels. She is extremely concerned and she cries for the other woman. It feels like I’m the one crying.

The teacher is very pleasant and in high spirits. She enjoys her job and she emits a light which illuminates the entire space. It is clear this “class” provides more than just information.

The next student who enters requires a special device to perceive her environment that looks like a camcorder. The teacher greets her warmly. It appears the girl is special needs, specifically hearing impaired. 

Others enter. They are all ages and genders. Some are more talkative while others are subdued. There is a couple who enter who are very chatty. The woman is cutting out a picture using some curved shears. I am suddenly a participant and ask the woman about her shears. She hands them to me to try. I begin to cut and the woman’s partner becomes anxious, worried I will cut outside the lines. I sense his anxiety and decided to put down both the shears and the item I am cutting. His anxiety vanishes.

The teacher then calls to the class. She has a list and is talking about an upcoming event. She is asking for volunteers. One woman says she will bring bread but says, “The kind with gluten”. lol I look on the list and see the item “Bread” and there is no blank to write the gluten part but the woman’s name is there. There are other items on the list, which is very long. Some still have no name beside them. I remember thinking, “No point in putting my name on the list. I won’t be here.” There was finality in this thought.

Then there was discussion about the schedule. I only remember that the time class was done for the day would get the students to the bus by 4:55pm. I remember panicking and looking at my watch because I thought it was already well past that time. The time on my watch was a few minutes before 4pm.

Tears

At a later time I wake up crying but can’t really recall why. I only remember that I had been singing. I lingered in bed a while pondering my tears and the dreams of the night. 

I seldomly sing these days. Singing use to bring me such joy. I have so little joy left. Even thinking of singing feels pointless. If I was crying because of singing, it doesn’t surprise me. The tears were probably tears of relief, relief at finally feeling something positive. 

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A Hellish 10 Days

How is everyone? The eclipse energies and whatever else was going on alongside it was intense, wasn’t it? For me, particularly, it was quite a challenge.

First, there was the mental torture. I did it to myself, of course. My monkey-mind was very, very difficult to shut down. I kept thinking that I needed to act on the repetitive thoughts, because, well they were repeating. As someone with a completely open head center (Human Design) this is a very bad idea. The head center is a pressure center. This means that there is a sense that one should act on the thoughts they are having. But this center doesn’t have the means in and of itself to take any action. It just exerts pressure. Without being connected to an energy center that can take the thoughts and put them into action, the pressure just sits there saying, “DO SOMETHING”. An open head center is like a radio station that never tunes to one channel for very long. The channels constantly change; a constant flow of random thoughts and ideas. So, I have never-ending mind chatter as a rule and the key is to ignore it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ignore it and it made some unnecessary waves in my life. Thankfully, the waves settled on their own. I could’ve done without the drama, though. Bleh!

On top of all the above, I had some crazy physical symptoms that came out of the blue all at once and with an intensity that had me worried I would have to go to the ER. I know for a fact that my monkey mind created some of it, but at the time I didn’t see the connection.

The physical issues that arose were numerous. The most concerning were the heart palpitations. I’ve had experience with them in the past but never like this. To give you an idea of how frequent they occurred, in a 30 minute window I noted 6 incidences and this was while I was fairly calm, standing at my desk doing work. In comparison, my past experiences would be one or two as I settled down to sleep. The palpitations never came with any other symptoms – no chest pain, no breathing difficulty, no light-headedness – so I just monitored them and changed my intake of caffeine to see if it would help. Two days after cutting all caffeine, the palpitations decreased significantly. Now, at day five they are all but gone. Yay!

One night, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and a pounding heart that wouldn’t settle after waking. In the dream I had taken a young boy hostage and was torturing him (eeek!). I decided to let him go because I didn’t want to kill him. When I did, I immediately regretted my decision and became frantic as I attempted to clean up all traces of me from the crime scene. However, I knew I didn’t have enough time and began to freak out in the dream. When I woke my heart rate was around 100BPM and it took about a half hour for it to settle down.

As a result of the heart palpitations I was constantly staving off panic attacks. Ugh! I became a super-hermit as a result. lol

I had also been feeling more tired in the evenings. It was the tired like I took a sleeping pill when I didn’t. The fatigue would hit me around 8pm, so it didn’t impact my day. Then I would sleep really, really deeply.

I’ve also been extremely angry to the point that I struggle to hold it back. I had a wall of emotion break through and behind it was the anger. Loads and loads – a lifetime of anger.

I’ve also had really itchy arms and eczema. Ugh! So annoying! Thankfully, this is also subsiding now.

In order to ease the physical and mental symptoms, I began to meditate more, take afternoon naps and just increase overall self-care. I even did some Reiki self-healing, which I rarely do.

Thankfully, all of the above has settled. My mind is quieter and I feel calmer in general, the fatigue in the evenings has vanished, my heart palpitations are nearly non-existent and my eczema is clearing. My sleep is back to normal, also, with more frequent waking and better dream recall. The anger is still present, but no longer threatening to overflow. I now need to find a way to release it without negatively impacting those around me.

Dreams

Two distinct dreams from early this morning.

Fairies

In the first one, I was visiting a cavern with my Mom, her husband and my brother. My brother was young, maybe 10 years old. I arrived early when something caught my eye. It was some kind of machine and there were these small, white, fluffy creatures flying around it that resembled a dandelion capitulum. They appeared to be alive, like fairies or butterflies. I tried to take photos and video and my phone froze after a few pics. So, I watched the little fairies, fascinated. They soon transformed into these flat, round, blobs that stuck to the side of the tower. Each had circular nodules poking out of the tops. I was fascinated by them so when Mom arrived I showed her and she said my sister had played that game. I guess it was a half real/half simulated video game of some kind? 

Then Mom and I left and I asked about waiting for her husband and my brother. She said he would call and meet up with us later. We were walking outside in a parking lot but then shifted to inside a space. There, she was going through pots and pans and I had memory of  my sister asking me, through tears, if I had a pasta pot she could have because she lost hers. I mentioned it to Mom and then had memory of a pot and pan I had given Mom a long time ago. It was from early in my marriage. 

Then, we were sitting next to each other talking, but when I turned to look at my mom, she wasn’t there, a blonde man was. He was showing me some wounds on his arms and I saw a circular spot of blood on his blue jeans. I asked, “Did I do that to you?” He laughed and said I hadn’t. Then, without warning, I felt an energy from him that was very attractive and full of love. It washed over me and I leaned toward him as he leaned towards me. We were about to embrace when the energy woke me up. It swirled around my entire body for a bit before I returned to sleep.

Beauty Knows Beauty

This dream began with a story and visual of a young woman. She had been in an accident that had ripped half of her scalp off. After surgery she was almost completely bald. I was told and saw how she had to use makeup and to fill in the bald spots. The hair she had was mostly stubble. I watched as she meticulously filled in bald spots in the front with makeup. I remember thinking she actually looked good and thinking others would get use to her looking that way.

Then I was in a salon. I believe I was both an observer and the participant because I shifted perspectives quite often. The bald girl was me and I was there to get a wig fitted. Then I was standing next to the stylist showing her how long to make the extensions for a black woman (also me). The extensions were extremely long and needed to be trimmed.  

When the black woman’s hair was done she looked beautiful with her new extensions. However, her hair shifted from black to pure white as did her fake eyelashes. As I saw this, the stylist came up to me and put fake eyelashes on me. I laughed because I don’t wear them usually. One wouldn’t stick and I tried to put it back, holding it in my hands for a second to look at it. One second it was black and the next it was white. I never got to see my reflection but was staring at the black woman who now had white hair and lashes.

The stylist, also black, and the other black woman sat and chatted with me like we were good friends. They asked me if I was married and I confirmed I was. They asked how long and I said, “Since 1997, but I’m on my second marriage.” They asked how it was going and I said, “Okay, but as soon as someone better comes along I’m leaving.” We all laughed in unison. One woman was about to ask another question but I interrupted and said, “Do you mind me asking you both something? Why is it that men don’t know how to pleasure a woman?” They laughed in understanding. The answer I got was a sense that the other women knew it as an accepted fact. It also felt like part of the answer was that women were far superior to men when it came to intimacy and connection. Though we know this we don’t boast about it or try to make less of the men. It is a lesson in patience, understanding and acceptance. 

Then, the woman who had white hair was the focus. Her hair was black again and she was upset. I remember reassuring her that she was beautiful. She said, “How do you know? You’re not God.” I replied, “The beauty in me sees the beauty in you.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks as she smiled in gratitude.

Interpretations

My sense of the first dream is that I was being taken in my subconscious (caverns). The “fairies” represent those things which are curious and magical. They shed light on the “games” I enjoy in waking reality. The ending is a reminder of the love available to me.

The second dream feels to be a reflection on inner versus outer beauty. I saw beauty in both women who I also became through the course of the dream. The bald woman and the black woman were both version of myself who I found beautiful in their own distinct ways. The message I gave the woman at the end was also a message to myself. A reminder of what true beauty is.

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Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I’m still considering a return to Costa Rica. Yesterday, I spoke with my SIL about it and she is happy to host me for as long as I need. She also has more cabanas available to choose from. One is located right on the beach! When I imagined returning to Costa Rica, I saw myself in a cabana on the beach, so I must have manifested it. 🙂 Her horse ranch is just across the road from the cabana, so I would still be close to her and the horses.

I still haven’t bought a ticket and made my trip official. I have some things to sort out first. If I do go, it looks like it will be around the first week in June.

Last night I was blessed with lucidity again. 🙂

Lucid K Dream: Teach Me?

I was at a school inside a brightly lit classroom. I wasn’t a teacher but seemed to be observing what was going on. It was either between classes or before or after school because there weren’t many students present and there was no formal teaching happening. Instead, the few inside were cleaning up and chatting. 

Exiting the classroom, I stood outside looking at student artwork on the walls. A particular piece caught my eye. It was just stick people and lines; very rudimentary. Yet, as I looked at it, a dot began to travel on its own around the paper. Curious, I looked closer, not believing my eyes. I inspected the piece, checking for abnormalities, but couldn’t find any.

A teacher passing by saw my interest. I told him it moved. He showed me how groves had been made in the cardboard backing to make it seem like it was moving on its own. He also laughed and said it was a particular student who liked playing pranks on people. This was just one example of how the student fooled around.

Still, though, I was suspicious. I thought for sure the school was haunted. 

I went home and climbed into my bed, pulling my covers securely around me. This is where I began to gain lucidity in the dream. Secure in my comfy bed, my thoughts were on the artwork, the boy and what I had just encountered at the school. 

To my surprise, I felt an hand softly touch me on the back and then an entire arm tucked itself under me. Someone was attempting to spoon with me. In that moment I knew: 1. I was in my bedroom, in my bed and 2. no one was in the bed with me, and 3. I must be dreaming. 

Not afraid at all, I turned to see who it was that had climbed into bed with me, thinking, “I want to know who’s there”. I was aware that my usual response to such things it to just lay still and see what, if anything happens. I didn’t want to do the “same ol’ thing”. To my surprise, a very bright-faced, white-blonde haired, young man sat up as I turned to confront him. He had a big smile on his face and his eyes were twinkling. I didn’t recognize him but figured he must be the student whose artwork had caught my attention earlier.

He communicated with me but all I recall are pictures and understanding. A visual of three images, side-by-side, came to my mind. It was somewhat similar to a slot machine in the way it was presented. I can’t recall the pictures but one represented the connecting/communicating via the internet and another was physical connection/communication. I can’t remember the third at all. Maybe spiritual communication? I was to select one. I picked the one on the far right. 

It was also communicated that this young man wanted me to teach him the ropes of sexual communication. Since he appeared far too young, which felt inappropriate, I asked him, “Make yourself 18 or older.” lol I can’t remember if he did or not. He then prepared himself, leaning down, his face aimed at my crotch. I laughed and told him, “Not like that.” He asked, “No?” as if he thought sex was done via the mouth. I pointed to his crotch, still amused. 

I then showed him how it was done and climbed onto his lap. All I recall from that point on is my chakras lighting up one after the other. When my third chakra lit up I felt the familiar energy of returning to my physical body. The energy lingered in my third chakra for some time after. 

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Finally, A Lucid Dream!

Woke at 5am with thoughts of returning to Costa Rica, this time for three months. It would be nice to wake every morning by the ocean again, to the sounds of the rain forest lulling me to sleep and greeting me every morning. Even the lack of a/c doesn’t phase me. If it means I can be alone for a long stretch then it might be the best thing I could do right now.  

I was considering this as an option when I fell asleep.

Dream: Lonely

The dream began in a very small classroom. I was seated beside about four or five other students and the teacher was at the front near the door. The teacher was giving us instructions for exercises that were part of a workout. Four exercises, one after the other and then a break. I wasn’t interested because of the cramped space. There was nowhere to stand up so the exercises would have to be done while seated. 

A female student seated close to me was far more interesting to me than the class. I turned and began to chat with her. I can’t remember what I was talking about now but she listened attentively. At one point I stomped my foot to emphasize what I was saying but that is all I can remember. 

Suddenly, the class was finished and everyone was getting up to leave. The student I had been talking to told me the teacher was annoyed by my behavior. I mentioned that I had wondered if she even noticed I wasn’t participating. The other student confirmed, saying the teacher was especially bothered when I stomped my foot. I remember thinking my behavior rude but didn’t care. The teacher in me, however, understood the teacher’s perspective.

We left the classroom together and began walking down a wide sidewalk on campus. It was bright and sunny outside and there was a lot of space and greenery around. The other student walked to my left, a span of about eight feet between us. She was cordial but appeared to not want to be associated with me.  I didn’t blame her. 

We walked in silence for a bit, me thinking how nice it would be to have her as a friend. In my mind I knew a friendship was out of the question because, 1. she was much younger than me and so we would have little in common, and 2. I couldn’t trust her to listen to me without judgement. 

I realized then that when I had been talking to her in class, she only appeared to be listening in order to not draw attention to herself. Had I paid attention to her body language I would’ve known she had no interest whatsoever in what I was saying. I had inadvertently made her my accomplice.

With these thoughts I remember acknowledging my loneliness in this life. I began to cry as I realized there was really no one I could talk to, like really talk to. I can’t even blog or post in forums without someone judging me and writing critical comments. Even if their comments appear constructive, I can feel the irritation in their replies. How dare I feel what I feel and not see how blessed I am compared to them and others! Then I feel guilty, thinking they are right. I have no right to complain or be unhappy when so many people have it far worse. I figure, if I can’t vent my frustrations, petty or not, without feeling judged, then I should just hold it in. So, I hold it in where it festers and turns into bitterness. 

I have no safe space. Nowhere is safe to openly be myself. So, I suffer alone, in silence. How dare I feel what I feel!? Like my mom always told me, “Spoiled, ungrateful brat”.

I woke briefly from the tears and returned to dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Doing My Mom’s Laundry

My mother must’ve been on my mind because I end up in her house. The purpose of my visit is to check on her because she is ill.  

I walk into the house. It is dark and quiet. I carefully make my way to my mother’s bedroom. I have with me a white, plastic bag. It contains items I think will make her feel better while she recuperates. 

I knock and announce my entry. When I enter she is fast asleep. I whisper to her that I brought her a care package. I set it on the nightstand and tiptoe out of the room. I shut the door behind me.

As I am leaving, I hear something behind me. I turn to see the bedroom door has opened. I return and close it. When I turn back towards the living room I see the TV is on. The volume is too high so I turn it off, thinking it will wake up my mom. When I look up I see her bedroom door is open yet again. I go and shut it. When I turn back towards the living room, again, the TV is on and the volume too high. This time I see my oldest son lying on the sofa covered in blankets. I tell him he needs to get up and get ready to leave. He protests, wanting to finish his TV show. I notice he is much younger than he is in waking reality. Looking closer, I suspect he is about 5 or 6 years old. 

I look towards my mom’s bedroom because I again worry she will be awakened by the TV. Once again, the door is open. Thinking I must not be closing it all the way, I return and specifically focus on closing it completely. I hear it click and am satisfied.

At this point I am becoming suspicious, thinking something is not quite right. So, I investigate. I look around, noting what is out of place. The TV is on the wrong side of the room and the sofa is where the front door should be. My son is too young. And what is he doing there in the first place? And the bedroom door keeps coming open. 

I head into the kitchen. It is a mess and I think of helping my mom out by tidying up. I decide that is what I will do but am distracted. The laundry room door is open and the light is on, I head in that direction instead. I am suspicious. My mom doesn’t have a laundry room!

When I walk into the laundry room it is very brightly lit. The first thing I notice is the washer is missing. I think it must be broken. Yet, the minute I have this thought, I am leaning down and pulling out wet close from the washer! When I look down, it isn’t there but I have some wet clothing in my hands. So, I decide to dry the clothes for my mom so they won’t be mildewy. Suddenly, the empty space below me has a very tiny dryer. It is so tiny I have to kneel down to open the lid. I turn it on and it works. I feel hot air blowing right in my face. I dump in a couple of items and close the lid (which is on top like a washing machine). 

I hear what sounds like my mom’s voice behind me. I think, “I must have awakened her.” I turn and the door to the laundry room is closed. I reach to open the door and as I do, I feel someone tap me on the right shoulder. It is a very real, very solid feeling and surprises me. No one is in the room with me! I finish opening the door and behind it is a solid wall. I remember thinking there is no way out but don’t care because….it is a dream.

I turn to see who tapped me on the back. Finding no one, I laugh to myself. Of course there isn’t. The tap was meant to get my attention. The tap was meant to help me recognize the dream!

My attention is drawn to a rack that is above the dryer. This rack physically exists in my house in waking reality. I see two white strings hanging from the rack. On the ends of them are little balls. At the back of my mind I am considering the lack of an exit but don’t care. I want to play. So, I decide I want to make one of the balls move. I “think” it into motion, because, well it’s MY dream. I am instantly successful. Next, I make both little balls swing towards one another. My intention works and they hit and explode in opposite directions. I feel successful and laugh. This wakes me up.

When I wake I can feel the return to my physical body, something I haven’t felt in ages! The transition is fairly smooth, which also surprises me. The energy settles, indicating I can move. I open my eyes and shift positions, knowing that doing this prevents me from immediately returning to the OOB state. I don’t care. I know I’m too excited for that.

Considerations

The first dream is a typical scenario in my life. When I am in a good mood, I often talk fast and excitedly to others and easily ignore signs that indicate the communication is unwanted or at an inappropriate time. In the dream it was a classmate and I definitely missed the obvious signs.

I get sad in the dream because I want a friend and am lonely. Yet, my experience of friendships has not been good. They tend to be one-sided. The friend wants me to be a friend to them but, when it is time for them to be a friend to me, they fall short. All I want is a safe place to be myself, to be heard and accepted. I can honestly say I’ve never found that in a friend. Not once. This dream came with tears, of course, and me recognizing I’ve given up on finding a friend, or even a lover, that provides me with that safe space. I’ve even withdrawn from public journals and forums because, well it hurts when I bare my soul and am rejected for it.

I can already hear the comments and questions in response to what I wrote above. Have you provided a safe place for others? I think I use to, back when I eagerly accepted friendships and wanted to be a “good friend”. As I’ve grown more cautious and cynical, I just outright reject offers of friendship if I sense even the slightest judgment or criticism from the other’s energy. So, yeah, I’m super stand-offish and, where I use to listen with compassion and sympathy to the other, now I don’t have the time for it. Why give the other all I have when it won’t be returned? I’m done being stepped on and used. 

And if you judge me for what I just said, well f**k off!

As for the lucid dream, it was pretty awesome, even if short-lived. There was a return of the symbolism of tidying up my mom’s house. I recently had a dream where I was doing just that and also making her bed. This time I was also doing her laundry. The symbolism is purification, acceptance and an attempt to clean things up in general. The door opening time and time again is an indicator that there is something I wish to put an end to but it just isn’t happening. There is still something left undone. Thankfully, I hear the door click, so maybe there is hope?  

I find it reassuring that I am still capable of having lucid dreams and going OOB. It has been sooooo long! It was nice to feel playful and curious again. That is my natural state. I miss feeling like that.

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Dream: Vision Check

Woke up upset from a dream at 5am. In it, I got a phone call from my son’s friend’s mother. She said my son had been bitten by a dog but would be okay. When I asked questions she said the bite wasn’t as bad as the first one. I asked, “What do you meant the first one?” She ignored my question and told me he would be okay but I insisted she at least give him some pain meds. The connection was broken so I called back and got my son. She had taken him to a Rite Aid where she reassured me she was getting him taken care of. I asked to see the bite and saw it via video. My son’s entire thumb and two middle fingers were fully bandaged and blood was seeping through. This upset me further. The mom told me she gave him Xanax. Concerned because Xanax is not a pain medicine, I insisted she take him to the ER because he probably needed stitches. She kept saying he was okay. I finally threatened to call the cops but she hung up. 

The dream woke me up and I struggled to return to sleep. It bothered me that a mother would give a child Xanax.

Dream: Vision Check

The beginning of the dream is hard to recall. I was inside a suburban neighborhood in a house. It was early morning, so still somewhat dark outside. I noticed someone running through the back yard and across towards the street. He was wearing a dark hoodie and had a backpack. I thought the house must be located somewhere people used as a shortcut. Maybe he was headed to school.

I looked out the window to see where he was going and he went to the street and then down it. I saw a van parked there and yelled at it because I seemed to know who was inside. A head popped out, acknowledging me. So, I went out to the van.

I must have gotten inside the van because then I drove the car slowly up and down the road. As I looked to my left I notice the lines of suburban houses. One was the neighbor’s and looked to have had a new skylight installed. Curious, I stopped and put the van in reverse to get a better look. When I looked, though, all the houses were gone and in their place were red brick, nondescript buildings several stories high that stretched as far as my eyes could see. The windows were plain and spaced evenly like apartments. 

Thinking it odd, I stopped the van to go take another look. So, I backed up to see if the houses reappeared. In fact, I thought, “They will reappear”, recognizing I was creating what I saw. Sure enough, the houses were back just as before. Laughing, I got out of the car to walk the road so I can see my creation but was nearly struck by people walking or running past. They were all are wearing dark hoodies, some in groups, and it felt unsafe, so I jumped in the passenger’s side of the van. My husband was inside and I asked him to look outside and tell me what he saw. I asked him if he saw houses or the red, brick buildings. I don’t remember his response but the van moved forward and I saw the red brick buildings again. I put my head and upper body out the window to look as the van gets closer. The buildings were about five or six stories tall and had no markings to indicate what kind of building they were but seemed to be apartments. Eventually, though, I saw a glowing, white sign on the building. The sign read, “Vision Checks” or something like that. I think it must be a hospital, maybe even an ER, but there are no other markings. Could it be a prison? There were no bars indicating such a structure, though.

I woke up around this time but ended up going in and out of the in-between for a bit. All I really remember is mulling over the red brick buildings. Why did I see them? What does it mean? The answer I received is that the dream is showing me something about myself. 

Perhaps I consider suburbia a prison? That thought has definitely crossed my mind before. However, upon further consideration, I think it is more that all the houses represent “individuals” and the red brick buildings are the reality. We are all the same. Yet, I am aware of a side of myself that is critical of the human desire to be special and unique. Each house is a unique representation of an individual. I reject this and replace the houses with the identical brick buildings.

The “vision checks” sign is likely my subconscious trying to get through to me. I should “check my vision”. 

In the end, my takeaway is that one’s perspective paints their reality. I can choose to be critical of all the people around me desperately trying to distinguish themselves from one another or I can see it as the soul creating something unique via individual experience.