Category Archives: Dreams

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Rewired

The 180 degree shift in perspective I experienced on the 1st was brief. It barely lasted 24 hours. The day after was difficult with me falling back into pessimism and doubt. It didn’t help that I stupidly drank some wine so I ended up with only 5 hours total sleep.

Events from Yesterday

It actually started the night before last when my husband got mad at me because I wanted to be alone and he didn’t. He saw this as me “rejecting” him and went into a “tantrum” of sorts. The last thing he said to me was that he thought maybe we should consider “other” options for our marriage. These kinds of phrases are becoming more and more his weapon against me and I should have known it was nothing other than hot air, but it bothered me nonetheless. This, along with the one glass of wine I drank kept me up until 1am.

The next morning I awoke grumpy and went to work without incident. The day went fine but I could not shake the unease caused by my husband’s words the night before. I spent the day thinking about my life and what I wanted to keep and what I didn’t want to keep. Sadly, I was ready to throw it all to the wind and this bothered me immensely. Where was my heart in all this? Non-existent it seemed. Note: Apparently Venus retrograde invites reflection upon relationships to determine if they should stay or go but to hold off on the decision until after it goes direct. Venus goes direct on the 8th but I do not plan to make any changes.

When I got home it was like chaos had hit with a vengeance. My mother-in-law watches my two youngest during the day. She had been instructed to not let them upstairs unattended, but apparently she forgot and I discovered a pair of my eyeglasses had been twisted backward. Thankfully they were the old pair but my new, $400 pair was missing. I went searching and found them safe and sound but covered in little fingerprints.

What was really crazy is that my MIL had done damage all on her own. She had gotten a spoon stuck in the garbage disposal and somehow flushed one of my baby’s shirts down the toilet!

My remedy to this awful mess at home was to lock myself in my bedroom and do 35 minutes of heart-centered yoga. Ahhh!

Rewired

I went to bed wanting the day to disappear and asking questions of my Companion about the purpose of all this and how to fix it all. He responded, but I don’t recall now what he said (this seems to be the pattern these days). I meditated myself to sleep and had more strange dreams.

In one dream I was depositing a $5,200 something check. In another I went to an airport and found a black and white cat in a bag on the elevator. Then I was discussing going on a trip to the Caribbean but I could not take my “boss” with me. At this point I suffered extreme sadness and loneliness as I was told that this trip was a solo trip.

When I awoke I felt somber and asked why I had been told, “We will bring you Home” only to have not have this happen. I was told that Home was within me and that I had misunderstood the message. This, of course, only made me more depressed. It was explained to me that I was being “rewired” but at the same time I heard “retrial”. I felt them to be one in the same.

Strange Memories Resurfacing and Evaporating

Finally, I have strange past-life memories resurfacing at odd times. Mostly, I do not remember them after I have them resurface. It is like they are rising up out of me like smoke, disappearing as they escape. Sometime I can regain the memory, but this is unusual.

One such memory of remembering returned to me while driving. I suddenly remembered waking up one night and remembering suddenly that I had once murdered my own child by drowning him. The memory was not as vivid as the extreme guilt that came with it and I thought to myself, “I should be punished”. With this thought came my Companion’s words, “Haven’t you been punished enough?” and I recalled the life before this one where my own father had drowned me when I was only a child. With this memory came the realization that I have been holding onto the belief that I deserve to be miserable for what I did and that I have been punishing myself ever since. With this belief came also the belief that I was not a good parent. I saw the Karmic cycle and at first thought the child I had drowned had drown me in a later life. I knew this was not the case as it was the actual emotional loss that was cycling, not the relationship. Karma is not revenge, it is a self-inflicted purging.

This all occurred in mere seconds. The words of my guide seemed to help evaporate the feelings that arose within me and I fell asleep quite quickly upon their erasure, the memory of it gone as quickly as it arrives. Yet, it returned to me the next day only to again be lost. I only remembered it yet again when I began to fall asleep that night.

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Thank Heavens for September!

I don’t know about you, but the last few days have been heavy ones for me. The energy seemed stifled and often I felt trapped in a corner without knowing why. Strangely, I was able to remain pretty calm despite this. I could observe the storm brewing deep inside me and I let it brew but kept it from escaping – for the most part.

Then last night, at about 8pm CST, the storm was gone. The energy of it vanished and I felt myself rise up to a higher vibration almost instantly. It was a night and day experience. For the first time in a while my spirits were lifted and my pessimism replaced with a strange optimism. Since I was tired and preparing for bed, I didn’t try to analyze what happened, I just meditated myself to sleep.

I awoke 2 hours later quite suddenly. I saw that the clock said 10:40pm. “That can’t be right”, I thought. So I checked the clock in the hall. Hmm. It really was 10:40pm.

Exchange

Then next time I awoke it was from a dream in which I was discussing an affair I had with Tom Cruise (really not my type). I awoke in the midst of a strong energy rising through my lower three chakras. It had a strong sexual pull with it but was also quite distinctly something else. The energy, unfortunately, hit my second and third chakras in a painful twisted way, but was not so painful as to make me want the energy to stop rising upward.

I let the energy linger for some time but sent a questioning thought to my Companion. The reply was simply, “Exchange” and I knew that the old energy in these chakras was being exchanged for new energy. In my mind a longer explanation came to me suddenly. This exchange had already occurred in the upper chakras and “pain” from this exchange was simply the new energy breaking through old blockages.

Still very optimistic, I let my Companion know that I would be happy to have more similar experiences. The energy was pleasant and persuasive. I could feel the hope and optimism created by the 2nd chakra and willed it to expand. I have missed it!

Peaceful Optimism

After the exchange experience, I fell into a deep sleep and vivid dreams. Every time I would wake up, I felt to have been asleep for many more hours than I had. There was also a strange, heavy energy settled over my head similar to the energy helmet I am use to. My third eye chakra was also active.

The peaceful, optimistic feeling is still with me. Life no longer seems grueling and difficult like it has felt most of August. Relief came with September and I am truly grateful I persevered to this point.

Note: I began taking Maca root yesterday afternoon. Since this is my first experience taking it, I am not sure if it is the cause of this change in mood or if it is indeed an energy shift. It is likely both, but if it is the Maca then it is my new best friend. 🙂

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Supermoon Energy: Dreams and a Familiar

My sleep last night was fitful and less than restful. It could be the result of an intense 1.25 hour workout with a physical trainer yesterday afternoon or it could be that the energies of last night’s supermoon were to blame. Regardless, I was waking frequently and feeling wide awake despite my physical body’s extreme fatigue.

Dreams

I don’t recall my dreams in much detail and the one I do are strange and make little sense. In one my family bought a new house for $375,000. It was tall, wooden and built on stilts. Below it was a pond that stretched from one side to the other. The pond was probably the most vivid part of the dream. There were reeds along its banks and the water was dark as if it held many mysteries. I felt quite happy to see it and remember thinking, “I always wanted a house with a pond”.

There was another dream in which I was inside a place feeling as if I had just materialized there out of thin air. I felt disoriented at first as I took in my surroundings. There was a feeling of being at a gym, but it did not seem like one at all but more like a waiting area. I was introduced to a couple of women but one seemed like a man and I stared at her for a while trying to figure out if she was a man or a woman. I finally decided she was a man-woman.

Finally, I had another dream of water. In this one, it was raining quite hard and I was in a very nice house with tall glass windows that looked out upon a white patio that stretched for quite a distance. Three neighborhood boys knocked on the door asking to swim. They were holding books in their hands and I asked them if they had permission. They said yes, so I told them they could swim in the Jacuzzi. They went out in the rain to swim and later came back but had left their books. I went to retrieve them complaining of how they ruined them.

When I awoke I felt very disconcerted. It seemed something was very wrong and I felt the coyote I had seen the previous day was proof that I was being tricked. I thought the strange feeling that an energy shift was coming must have been a lie and coyote was there to laugh at me for believing it. I felt duped.

Visions and Messages

I managed to fall back into the in-between. While there, I often slipped into the dream state and then would come back to the in-between. I did this one and off for some time, the dreams often lost as soon as I became lucid.

In one of the in-between lucid moments I was shown a bedroom. It was very obviously a child’s bedroom; a little boy’s. When I saw it, I recognized it as mine and looked at how neat and tidy it was. I also noted that the items and furniture were very expensive and there was way more than any little boy could ever hope to have.

I remember as I recognized it as mine that I said, “That was 1966”. This brought me to full awareness as I tried to rationalize the year. When I awoke I did the math. The life-before-last I died in 1963. The life after that I was a boy and recalled dying in 1972 at around the age of 6 or 7. That would mean that if the room I saw from 1966 was mine, that it would have been mine when I was very, very young. I wondered briefly why I was being shown my old bedroom. Perhaps I was very rich in that life? I don’t remember.

I fell back into the in-between and was talking with someone during this time. I don’t now recall all of the conversation but as I began to awaken fully I heard someone tell me, “…..you have an honored familiar”. I instantly recognized the word familiar and wondered what it was was.

You Have a Familiar

Though I don’t remember everything that occurred during the in-between, I do remember that the conversation that started all the above came out of me telling my Higher Self that I did not want to stay in life and asking him why he insisted that I/we stay. He, of course, answered, “You have a lot of work to do”. I was/am tired of hearing this and asked, “Why does it matter what work I do? Is the human race so important? What difference does it make what I do while I am here?”

It is perhaps from this conversation that the messages came. Maybe I was given the message that I had a familiar so that I would know help is on its way. For what exactly, I am unsure. Whether I will meet this helper, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I believe in familiars.

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Dream: The Bear Awakens

After yesterday’s intense K experience, last night was a walk in the park. I slept especially well and awoke feeling hopeful and positive, as if I had received good news.

Dream: The Bear Awakens

One dream in particular was indicative of the news I received. In it, I was made aware that a black bear was wandering around. I went and retrieved it and took it to an area that resembled my mother’s back yard in that there was a huge swimming pool. However, this pool resembled a small pond and had rock ledges and streams built into it.

It was still dark outside and the sky was dotted with stars and so clear that it almost appeared to ripple like the water of the pool. The pool’s water reflected the darkness of the sky so well that if one were to look at the pool and the sky simultaneously they would have appeared to be one in the same.

I took the bear to the pool and let him loose. I watched as he frolicked and jumped about. He had such energy! He stumbled into the water and then out, not sure what he had just fallen into. Then he dove into the pool and swam. I remember feeling so pleased watching him express his intense happiness.

There was a time when I was watching him in the water that I swear his furry leg took on the shape of a woman’s leg. It was like the water transformed him at that moment. Yet when I looked again, the leg was gone and it was only the bear who seemed very much like a pet dog more than a bear.

Dream: 26

Another dream that is very vivid is one in which I was at a college milling around with a bunch of college students. When I first walked in, I was speaking with a woman whose face I never saw. She was remarking at how clear my skin had become and how beautiful I looked. Her exact words were, “You look brilliant”. I remember feeling self-conscious, worrying that I had acne all over my face. Yet when I passed by a mirror I saw that indeed my face was clear but it had a dark, almost orange-red colored shadow over it. I decided this was acceptable.

I was aware at this time that I was at “registration” yet I was not registering. Instead I seemed to be there as a mentor to others who were registering for school. I no longer heard the woman’s voice but now was talking to two young girls. We were specifically talking about years in which we had been born and our ages in comparison to one another. The young girls said they were born in 1996 and I recognized they were 20 years younger than me. I ended up deciding they were 26 years old and this number kept being repeated.

One of the girls asked me about my life and I explained that I was married and had three children. She remarked at how brave I was to have done this and I paused as I considered what she said. She said that she could not imagine ever having children and I remember clearly that I walked up to her and said, “It will be the best thing you ever do. Only through your children will you truly know your heart”. When I said it, I put my hand to her heart and I felt how true my words were for me in my own life. I would not be the person I am today had I not had them to show me who I really am.

Considerations

Both of these dreams were very memorable and vivid and left me with a feeling of accomplishment and pride. I feel very calm and accepting today of life in general which is very much in contrast to how I have been feeling for a while now.

I believe the bear dream is connected to a message I received not long ago about hibernating – Bear, John. In this present dream the bear is no longer sleeping but has awakened and is refreshed and full of energy. The period of rest and rejuvenation is over and it is time to be awake, aware and moving forward again.

The dream about college is also very positive in that it brings with it the message of the number 26. This number is all about attaining fame and/or material reward. In other words, that which you have been working toward in the material world is now about to manifest in positive ways.

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OBEs: Soothing Baby and Playing

After the K rising experience, which was at 1:30am, I fell back to sleep into a dream about trying to choose the right clothing for work. I kept finding clothes that belonged to my daughter and could not find what I was looking for. I finally put on an outfit that resembled the clothing of a hip-hop star (saggy jeans that hung past my bottom) and then took them off because I found my clothes out in plain sight. I kept thinking, “I have to get to work by 4” and going over my schedule in my head – “4-8pm”. I somehow knew this job was part-time and though I was being “paid” I didn’t care or keep track of the pay.

OBE: Soothing Baby

At some point the dream brought me to full lucidity and I was suddenly very aware of being in my body. I did not feel the vibrations but I felt the familiar odd sensations that I have been feeling with my OBEs lately. Somehow I knew I was not really “in” my body but just slightly askew from it.

It took me a while to get a grip on what was happening. I heard children screaming happily in the background and my youngest crying. I thought, “It isn’t real” as if to remind myself that these noises were normal prior to exit.

I was holding something small, round and metal in my hands and began to focus upon it for some reason. It felt like a small metal container and when I felt it I could “see” it in my mind. The more I felt it, the more solid the experience became. It was as if touching and focusing on it shifted me fully into the scene.

I sat up and got out of bed but the scene was dark. I could still hear my baby crying and instinctively went to him. I walked into the hallway and heard him crying as he ran, his footsteps echoing on the wood floor. I went toward him, blind, but could see him as he stopped in front of me, looked up and put up his arms for me to pick him up. I reached down and grabbed him and could feel his tiny, chubby arms wrap around me in a hug. The feeling was so real and familiar that I closed my eyes and reveled in it. This brought me back to my body.

OBE: Playing

Again I was superimposed over my physical body and feeling very much aware of everything. I could hear the children laughing and remembered my daughter was having a sleepover with her friend. Was that them laughing? I looked through my mind’s eye into a scene that was forming. I could make out a dresser and the wall of an unfamiliar bedroom. It lightened and darkened and I mentally said, “Clarity now” but briefly worried saying it would bring me back to my body. But it didn’t. Instead I rolled out of my body and the bed and again headed toward the hallway.

In the hallway I saw the shadow of my toddler son with his back to me. He was listening to the laughter, too. I still could not see him but he knew I was there and turned around and held up his arms to me. I picked him up and headed toward the laughter.

At the railing I looked over and my vision cleared. There at the bottom was my daughter and her friend. Then my vision turned off again. I decided to throw my baby over the railings. A part of me worried about this while another part knew it was okay. I yelled down to the girls, “Catch him!” My daughter’s friend looked up too late and my baby hit the floor.

I jumped over the railing and floated down asking, “Is he alright?” They looked at him and I saw he was fine. He had bounced when he hit the floor.

Laughing with relief I grabbed my son and then jumped into the air where I then hovered. I told the girls, “Come on! Fly with me!” We began jumping and hovering in the air as if we were on a trampoline in slow motion. The girls laughter was very loud and shrill at this time and I was laughing, too.

That is when my vision turned on all at once and I saw that the room was not from our home. It was massive with ceilings that were three times the height of ours with large beams. The room spread out around us in all directions. I was in awe and wondered where we were. It was slightly familiar but I could not place it. The last thing I remember is the golden hue of the place and the warmth I felt being there.

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Dream: Lucid Kiss

After waking up in tears at 6am I tossed and turned for a while as I tried to return to sleep. I eventually ended up in a lucid dream.

Lucid Kiss

I was walking in a dark tunnel with a group of people when I suddenly realized I was dreaming. I looked at a young man in front of me and got the idea that I wanted to move into him (merge). Quickly, I rushed into him but felt a tremendous pressure that sucked me back into my “body”. I felt literally pushed away. The force of the push surprised me as did the strange energy sensations. This brought about even more lucidity.

I saw a blonde man standing to my left. He was looking at me strangely and I thought I recognized him. He was quite bright compared to the darkness of the tunnel and the muted tones of the others with us. This brightness focused my attention even more on him. Who was he?

My lucidity increased slightly and the man looked at me, his blue eyes intensely piercing. He seemed young, probably mid-twenties, and was quite tall, at least a hands width taller than me. He walked up to me and said, “It’s about time we got this over with”.

Not completely sure what he was talking about but happy regardless, I followed him eagerly. From this point it appeared that I was leading him and that he was the unsure one.

I located a closet and opened the door wide. He stopped just inside the door and looked down at me, his face showing his uncertainty and maybe a bit of nervousness. I recall the room was bright and the door a very solid shade of brown. Were we in an office building somewhere? I didn’t know.

I went up to him and pulled his face toward mine and kissed him gently on the lips. I recall feeling a bit awkward because he became stiff as if he were unsure if he wanted to be kissing me. I kept hoping I would feel something from the interaction but all I noticed was that his lips were quite cold. I said to him, “Your lips are ice cold”. He said, “Really? I don’t think so”.

He eased up a bit then and I attempted one last kiss just to see if maybe I was wrong. This time I felt his lips soften and they were quite warm and inviting. It was a nice kiss and I lingered there still hoping I would feel something. Unfortunately, I felt nothing, not a thing.

My awareness peaked all at once in the moment of the last kiss. I awoke still feeling as if I were kissing him. Once fully awake I recognized the interaction as a lesson. I was the cold one, closing my heart to those I loved and distancing myself from others. How could I expect to feel anything if I shut myself down?

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Dream: Crumbling Church

For the third time in a week I woke up crying.

Dream: Crumbling Church

Most of the dream occurred in a huge church with ceilings that towered high overhead. I was with my family at some kind of reunion but it was not the normal reunion. I was with family that spanned generations and I don’t know if we were related by blood, though I knew many of them as my family members from this lifetime.

Everyone was gathering in the center and preparing for a show. Different groups were singing together and my mom was directing. I was eager to perform with my family but as our group stepped forward she told me and my older sister we could not be in the group because our hair wasn’t blonde anymore. This hurt my feelings substantially. I heard someone say to me, “I wish she would look at me like she does you”. I thought this odd since she was denying me my part, yet I somehow understood that many looked up to her as I looked up to her. All I wanted was for her to acknowledge me.

I watched my family perform one after the other, mostly singing hymnals. I saw members of the church we use to attend when I was a child along with members of my family who had long been dead. I listened as they sang and felt sad that I was not a part of it.

Finally, my immediate family group went up and I somehow got to go. I kept quiet, though, because my mom was irritated at me. My sister was suppose to sing but forgot the words. I remembered them and sometimes sang them to remind her. What is odd is that the songs were no hymnals but songs from the present day radio. I was proud that I remembered the words.

When we finished I helped a little girl who was lost and crying in the church. I contacted her mom and then saw another girl who was lost and helped her. Someone, a man, asked me why I was doing it and I remember saying, “She needed my help”. I felt very proud to have helped her.

I then looked up and saw that the a/c vents high up in the church were falling apart. They had large pieces of wood nailed to them and looked in need of repair. I somehow new a new church was being built because the current one had been neglected to the point that it made no sense to repair it. I thought of it crumbled down to dust and it made me sad. I was still standing beside the little girl I helped when the tears came.

Interpretation and Message

I awoke in tears with the song Pompeii by Bastille was going through my head but only the words, “And the walls kept tumbling down”. I could feel my third chakra pulling and my heart buzzing slightly. I knew there was a message and was able to perceive my guide’s message which was not much more than a whisper.

“Your are restructuring. You will be okay”. With that another song popped into my head, one that I awoke with yesterday morning, Safe and Sound.

With two songs and the message from my guide, I understood. The world as I have always known it is crumbling down all around me as the illusions are burned away. I am fearful of what, if anything, will remain, yet I am unable to stop the process. Bit by bit pieces of who I thought I was are disintegrating.

In this particular dream I saw firsthand just how much I looked to my mother for her approval. I recognized this to be true for all children as they grew up and that the process I am going through now is similar to the process of a child growing up. When they leave home and go out on their own they have to start making their own decisions. Their world often crumbles down around them as they try and figure out what parts of them are real and what parts of them are their parents’. Slowly they begin to take off the parts that are not true to them. Like clothing it is stripped away.

As more and more of this illusion is stripped away the more naked I will become. The walls will crumble down and leave only the real me. I wonder what she will be like?

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Life is Too Short to be Serious

When I was little one of my fondest memories was of suppertime. Why? My dad would often come home late, right in the middle of us eating. When he walked in the door he typically let out a huge belch and/or a fart and would laugh heartily when my mother scowled at him and all three of us, his daughters, would burst into giggles.

Now not every suppertime was like this, but it is one of my most cherished memories of him. He could belch out a belch better than anyone I know and me and my little sister would, of course, try to emulate him. We got really good, too. lol We had belching contests and farting was, of course, something that brought loads of laughter.

Why this somewhat gross walk down memory lane? Well, you’ll see.

Visits in the Night

I once again awoke crying this morning. This time it was from a dream in which I had been discussing all the visits from deceased loved ones and acquaintances I have been having recently. In the dream I was talking to someone about my husband’s boss who died back in 2013. I remember saying, “People visit my dreams all the time. In fact, he did just recently. I think he died at the age of 54“. The age was wrong, though, and I knew it, but I didn’t know what was wrong about it.

For some reason I began to get very emotional at this time. I do not remember the voice of the person I was having the discussion with, but it was as if they were telling me something or asking me something. The last thing I remember is crying and saying, “They (as in the deceased) are lucky”. I was/am jealous of them for being able to leave this place and go Home.

I ended up in the in-between for some time talking/dreaming. I was brought out of my reverie at least five times hearing this sound.

The first time I heard it I just ignored it even though it caused me to jump. The second time it annoyed me and I ignored it still. The third time I finally recognized it as a fart and thought, “Was that a fart?” Yet I was still perturbed about it. The fourth time I heard it I knew it was a fart and someone was playing a prank on me. “Not funny”, I thought. The fifth time I heard it I said, “Okay, enough. I get it. Ha Ha. Now stop!” But in my mind came the memory of the fun times and laughs I have had throughout life from such a sound. The fun times I still have on occasion at the expense of my husband who thinks it is “rude”.

Life is Too Short to be Serious

Finally, I asked who it was that was trying to get my attention. I did not receive an answer and thought it must be my dad. But that didn’t feel right. I hadn’t heard from him in about a decade. The last dream I had was about my husband’s boss. This felt right. The message was from him.

I sent out a mental query, “What do you want?” But got no response. It felt like there was a mental block preventing communication. I asked my guide, “Why can’t I hear him?” He said, “Because you aren’t listening”.

Then my guide said, “Why not have fun, enjoy life. Life is too short to be serious.”

I understood and said, “I want to but can’t. It just isn’t there anymore.” I felt the emptiness and it made me sad.

The last time I was enjoying life was when I had that bliss experience, the one that started in May and went through the first week of June. Then it just went away. I told my guide, “I had it and then you took it away”. The response was a feeling – I still had it. I disagreed.

I tossed and turned trying to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to wake up. During this time I felt a communication from my guide/Companion. I asked to have back that bliss experience. The response was more a feeling than words but the words were there: You will not expect it. Or more simply – “Expect the unexpected. You are preparing”.

My response, “I am always preparing. 8 months. I don’t think I can last that long”.

Then specifically I heard, “You will not expect it”.

Cryptic messages such as these are more than norm than not and I have no patience for them. I just sighed and rolled over. My husband then came in and told me, “I bought you a Starbuck’s coffee and some breakfast tacos. Come down and get ’em before they get cold”. That got me out of bed. 🙂

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Dream: Talking Fish

My sleep continues to be deep with dreams throughout. I lose most of the dreams upon waking, even if I spend a moment going over the details before returning to sleep. When I wake I feel heavy with sleep and it is difficult to push myself out of bed in the morning. Part of me loves it but another part misses my lucid dreams and astral travels.

Dream: Talking Fish

I only now recall one dream from last night and it was likely because it was so odd. In the dream I was wading in a crystal clear pond. In the middle was some kind of statue but I don’t recall it now. There was an Asian feel to the scene and though I could see well everything was in silver grays and varying hues of white and light blue.

I was fishing with my hands alongside others, how many I don’t know. I could see large, silvery-white fish through the water and was talking with someone about catching one for dinner. I reached into the water for one and, to my surprise, caught it. I exclaimed, “I caught one!” and held it up to look at it. It was large and reminded me of an Angel fish. It squirmed in my hands and I clenched at it as it flung itself up and over the white wall that contained the pond I was standing in. I looked at my hands and part of the fish’s body and fin was still in my hand. Worried, I walked over to the wall and looked over just in time to see the fish fall into the ocean. I said, “It will die now” because it had lost part of it’s body. Also, I thought it was not a salt water fish, but something told me the water was the same as the pond he came from.

I turned to look for another fish and the fish that had gone over the wall flopped up and back into my hands. Holding it, I looked at it and it looked at me, its eyes resembling that of a human. Then it began to talk to me, asking me questions. I don’t remember them all now, but I do recall it asking me, “What are you going to do with me?”

Hearing the fish talk must have triggered something in my conscious mind because it pulled me out of the dream and to instant wakefulness.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream arose from my concerns prior to sleep but could potentially be a mixture of things. I had been thinking of business matters prior to bed and when I woke each time last night, that was what was on my mind. However, fish represent the subconscious mind in dreams. A white fish, as this one mostly was, indicates one’s spiritual beliefs. Fishing in a dream means to bring repressed emotions to the surface. To me, it appears that I am feeling unable to keep a hold of something from my subconscious mind, I keep losing it, yet at the same time I am looking (fishing) for it. The fact that the fish comes back and asks me the questions indicates that I may not know how to handle what is coming out of my subconscious at this time.

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Feel I’ve Been Duped

I feel I’ve been duped. Either that or I completely misunderstood the spiritual changes I was going through.

It is probably the latter. I tend to be quite dense overall with this transformation stuff.

Dreams and Interrupted Sleep

I awoke feeling this way. That is how I’ve been feeling upon waking for some time now. This morning at 4:30am I was wide awake to the point that I didn’t think I would return to sleep. My mind was unsettled and I had a feeling of resistance that was quite strong.

My dreams were many and now I only have tidbits left of them. In one I was buying a very large cantaloupe and stated, “It’s for my husband. I hate cantaloupes” (I do hate them). In another I was being left at the beach by my ex-husband who decided he was going to go jet skiing. I remember hating him and feeling abandoned. Finally, in another I was being forced to take a mentally unstable and retarded teenager to the mental hospital. Then the man stole my car despite my trying to disable it.

I also recall a conversation about me being 26 years old. I almost became lucid in that dream because I remember thinking, “I’m not that young” and thinking about different ages to see if they felt right. This particular dream woke me up. I immediately remembered the age of 26 was when I had my first spiritual awakening. I did the math and sighed. It had been a very long time since then and I seem to not have made much progress.

Surrender

I somehow fell back to sleep and woke a couple of hours later. During that time I had more calming dreams. In one memorable one I was in the mountains and kept trying to take pictures of them. I ran into a group of mountain bikers and their air pump had gotten stolen. Then I was in a cabin on the mountainside. It had large windows to take in the view and a woman, a professor, was showing me invitations she had hand-made herself. She was about to leave her position for one higher up and I congratulated her. I remember thinking I had already graduated and was not her student anymore. Then I stared out the windows at the mountains and told her, “I’m not staying very long”.

Then I was reading a hand written list aloud to someone. As I went down the list, the words began to echo in my mind and I stopped because I recognized one: walk-in. I wondered, “Why was that word on there?” and then I wanted to remember the other ones and couldn’t. This woke me up.

I awoke to the Proclaimer’s 500 Miles song chorus in my head. I was not amused and did not want to hear what my Companion had to say. When I searched for the lyrics this morning, I stumbled upon an alternate version first and in the midst of the lyrics were the words “Surrender. Surrender”.

Probably a message but I’m not finding it helpful.

Gut Feeling

My connection to my Companion and Team is almost imperceptible right now. I feel abandoned by them again and angry to be left alone in a world I have no interest in. My gut feeling is that this is how it is going to be for a while. I feel stranded in a foreign country. I don’t know the language or the customs and have no interest in adapting to fit in.

Ever since I was a child I have felt this way. I don’t belong here. This isn’t my Home. Something is wrong with everyone else. Or maybe something is wrong with me? I thought I had finally found my family when I met my Companion. You can imagine the relief I felt. “Finally! Finally I am not alone! Finally I have an answer to why I am like I am!”.

But when I can’t find him, when it feels like he has abandoned me, all the feelings I have felt since childhood resurface. I begin to flounder. Life is so empty and lacking without the connection.

I am told it is always there, but I can’t find it. Even sleep doesn’t bring it. I was disconnected for the entire time I was starting my family. I don’t know how I managed to not die inside during that time – or maybe I did, little by little. If I have to do that again I think it will destroy me.

Please, please don’t do that to me again.