Category Archives: Healing

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Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

Woke up from a Kundalini dream at 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. 

Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

I was visiting my heart connection. It seemed like he was showing me his past. This part of the dream is not as clear as the rest but I recall his mom being present and somehow knew we were in California. I have seen pictures of her and she was much younger in the dream and seemed vibrant and full of energy. It felt like he was showing me this part of his life to explain his connection to his mom. What I recall the most is that he was very preoccupied with the task at hand, his energy very active and rushed. 

The dream shifted to a more rural area (deeper emotional goal). It felt like rural Georgia and there was a sense that my heart connection was nearby and I was visiting him. I was taking two dogs (loyalty to two different aspects), one large and one small (seeking balance), for a drive down an unfamiliar road. As I drove the road suddenly shifted to a white dirt road (shift to subconscious). Something about seeing the dirt road caused me to worry I would get lost so I decided to slow down and find a place to turn around. I pulled into a half circle driveway to turn around and two older ladies approached me. My car disappeared (slower pace where I am more vulnerable and grounded) and I was now walking the dogs on leashes. The women were friendly, asking if I was from around there and while we talked the larger dog started to wander away. I noticed I had lost grip of its leash and I told the women, “I can’t chase him or he’ll run.” I explained to them how to get him to return and sure enough he circled around happily, greeted them with sniffs and sat down (I’ve learned not to force connections). 

Then I was inside an unfamiliar bedroom (shift from journey stage to one of waiting) laying on a large bed. It felt like I was in my heart connection’s bedroom (view of his inner world). I was clothed in a tank top and shorts laying mostly on top of the covers (not yet fully integrated). The room itself was dark (unconscious) in color and somewhat large. I believe there was a dresser with a mirror near the foot of the bed (self-reflection, inner truth). To my left was the door. I remember mulling over memories of a dream conversation I had with my heart connection prior to this moment in time. I only recall flashes of the dream here. There is a sense of his journey and movement or progression along a planned path. There was also a sense of his mindset and feelings to include that he still had some work to do in regards to the karma he was settling with his mother. 

Though I don’t remember it now I feel like the dream was overlaying another dream in which I was actually with him having this discussion. I’ve had this happen frequently in dreamtime.

At some point I pulled down the right side of my tank top (vulnerability, self-exposure). I don’t know why I did this. I have faint memory of having exercised and feeling hot only I never got up out of the bed. From my right I felt my heart connection come out of the shadows. He leaned over me. There was an immediate burning sensation in my heart chakra as if it was burning straight through me. The sensation was like the fire of desire I usually feel in the lower chakras only it was in my heart. He leaned over me, kneeling partially on the bed, and kissed me four times (grounding of the spiritual fire into reality), each time the fire in my chest grew seeming to expand and envelope us both. 

He ended up over the top of me and I suddenly felt exposed; naked. He was too and I could feel he was aroused. Concerned for him, I pulled in my left knee to block him getting any closer. I knew he wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready. He slowly withdrew, looked directly at me and said, “Thank you.” We shared a moment of mutual understanding and then he stood up. He was no longer naked but clothed (symbolizes getting back to work). Seeing his clothes, I immediately covered my exposed breast and said to him, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t mean to…”. Unconcerned, he walked to the door and began to leave, explaining he had to go but would come right back when he was done. I got the sense that he was going to finish his karmic work. It’s like he was explaining, “I am so close, just not quite done yet. I’ll come back, I promise.”

Him leaving was heart wrenching. The fire in my heart was burning but I was in agony. I couldn’t reconcile the longing I was experiencing with the Knowing that it was not yet time. I was also struggling with memory of the previous pain, the decimation I experienced, when he left the first time. The intensity of emotion and the heart fire woke me. 

Reflection

The first thing I felt was panic. Memory flooded in along with the question I had asked all those years ago and was asking again, “Why is this happening to me?” My guides were close and reminded me I had chosen this. Knowing flooded in and I felt the same agony I felt in the dream. All I could say to them was, “I can’t [do this again]”. 

Last summer I was told I had chosen the fast-track. So, so much has happened since then. I am just now feeling somewhat settled and steady. I am getting ready to make even more changes to my life, changes that I feel are more in alignment with who I am. It won’t be easy and I get that, but I was not expecting this. If the Kundalini returns it will most definitely complicate things.

If I am suppose to finish what was started, fine, I get it. Leaving work unfinished is unwise, especially work of this nature.

The dream gave me perspective I didn’t previously have. I understand where my heart connection is coming from and how he has changed. And boy has he changed! His energy is different, more decisive and confident. I cannot recall one dream with him in it from my past where he did what he did in this dream. He was always hesitant. Not anymore. It feels like he is stepping fully into his masculinity.

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Spontaneous Poetry

It has been a strangely revelatory day. I think I finally see some things clearer. Spontaneously, I made a voice recording in an attempt to describe what I was experiencing and below is what came out of my mouth:

I left you in my heart a long time ago.
Only echoes remain.
The distance just grew wider, yet
for some reason I remained.
It was only when I saw you,
truly saw what you could be,
that I decided to go the distance,
I decided to just be me. 

And then this:

In the darkness, in the sorrow,
wretched tangle of misery,
sprouts a leaf on the morrow from a twig that once was me.
A haze forms in the distance, 
a silhouette of something – a mystery, 
only as I gather strength, 
the courage to understand
does that figure slowly turn and look 
before fading into memory. 

And still more….

The shallow breath of a wretched heart
twisted and tangled up inside itself
begging to be freed
oozing from an unseen wound
bleeding notes of regret and abandon 
as it sings a warning to the future:
“Do not tread this way for the path has crumbled 
and is strewn with intolerance of what once was 
and never will be again”.

And finally:

I gave this one a title.

You & Me 

I saw you in myself today,
unseen, desperate, invisible.
No one heard you, no one saw,
when you crumpled to the floor
exhausted, your pleas gone unheard,
your heart broken, desperate to be touched.

I felt you in my tears today, never-ending, 
from a well deep within 
that was filled over the years
by my silence in the face of your agony.

I heard you in my voice today,
defiant and rebellious,
withstanding all forces 
with the last ounces of your strength, 
fist pounding, 
blood boiling, 
eyes wild,
choking on the whispers of the truth 
I couldn’t see.

I felt you in my heart today,
deep in the bottom, 
near the end of the path we traveled together.
There you will remain, 
wrapped in ribbon,
tied in string, 
bundled up 
until I’m ready to open the gift you left for me.

The first felt to be about my ex as I spoke but after I read it I feel it is about myself.
As are the two that follow, each a different aspect of my journey to this point in time.

The last is me recognizing myself in my ex; we are one and the same. I try to express it the best I can, but even now I feel the words are not enough. When I began to speak aloud “I felt you in my heart today”, I choked on tears and it took me a while to continue. That one was the kicker I think because I honestly didn’t think I had anything left in my heart for my ex.

What is interesting is that all of these words came to me independently of one another, without any consideration of what they would say when they came together.

All this because today I had to go through all my texts with my ex since January in preparation for the upcoming mediation. I was at work and somehow no one disturbed me. The time passed without me even noticing. By the end I felt transformed somehow. I think it was my looking at everything from outside of it that did it. 

Final takeaway (the gift perhaps?): I have always wanted my ex to truly SEE me. It seems I rarely saw him. How can I expect someone to see me if I refuse to see them first? 

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Therapy Revelations – Disorganized Attachment Style

I’ve had four sessions now. I find my sessions revelatory, not because of what my therapist says or asks but because of my responses. As a Self-Projected Projector my voice is my superpower. This last session I brought up my relationship with my mother when my therapist asked a few probing questions.

I usually need a couple of days to process my therapy sessions, sometimes longer. My therapist left me with some questions to ponder this time. Specifically she asked me to consider the injustice I felt both in childhood and am currently feeling with my failed marriage. She asked if I thought I could let go of that perceived injustice. She also asked me to consider why I felt I was a failure and why I tend to wait until I fail before I ask for help.

In considering her questions to me, I got to thinking a bit about attachment style because it seems to play a major role in my romantic relationships. I took the attachment style test a while back and I am disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) which is defined by the person’s strong desire to be close to someone but also a fear of getting close. About a year ago I did research into attachment style but really didn’t dive deep into it because it didn’t seem relevant. However, after yesterday’s session and a question by my therapist specifically asking me about my parents and if I felt safe with them, it became clear that my overall feeling of not being safe in life developed in my childhood and has been plaguing me since then. 

This attachment style developed mainly from my relationship with my mother but my father also played a role in it, of course. My mother was “hot and cold” with me. One minute she would be smiling, receptive and encouraging of love, hugs, snuggles and the next she would be upset or angry, yelling, or rejecting my attempts to hug, snuggle or love her. She also use to mock and humiliate me when she punished me and my siblings often even inviting my other siblings in to make fun of me or help punish me. For example, she had my older sister hold me down over the toilet bowl as she literally put soap in my mouth to “wash my mouth” of the bad word I said. Some of her behavior was also traumatic. For example, she use to threatened to leave me on the side of the road when we were driving in the middle of nowhere often pulling over and even opening the door. Other times she would threatened to leave me at the “all girls school” which was for “bad” girls like me. I remember feeling absolutely terrified of these things happening (I was very little, like 4-7yrs old). This creates a situation in a child where there is “fright without solution”. 

My father would often laugh when he punished us, especially if he was spanking us. He also threatened to not take me home during my visitation time with him. I usually didn’t want to visit him during his time with me but was forced to by my mom because the courts said she had to make me. He was really only this way during their divorce that I can recall. Prior to that I favored my father and would’ve called myself a daddy’s girl. Oh how I love him! I have fond memories of helping him work on his cars, him teaching me to ride my bike, and snuggling with him in bed early in the morning on school days. When he became his angry, vengeful self during the divorce, I watched the daddy I use to love turn into someone I was scared to be around.

My attachment style developed out of a push-pull dynamic around love. I want it desperately but I am also afraid of it because the love I grew up with was unsafe and unpredictable. This explains why I reacted how I did when I first experienced the Kundalini. It also explains why I have been told by many how I seem like “two different people”. I am this way in friendships and romantic relationships, always keeping a safe distance just “in case”. 

My ex is anxious attachment, I have no doubt. He got so desperate when I would withdraw that he resorted to coercion and other abusive tactics. Of course, my response would be to try and get as far away from him as I could, which I ultimately did with the divorce. I don’t know about my first husband. I think he may have been secure attachment because he always responded to my fearful avoidance with patience and acceptance. I also think he was secure attachment because I often found being with him “boring”, which I have since learned is a typical consideration of insecure attachment styles to attached individuals. Ha!

Once we recognize our attachment style we can use that awareness to recognize when we are acting out patterns that no longer help us. The fear I feel when I get “too close” is noticeable, always has been, and I have always acted on it. I think sometimes it was justifiable but many times it was not. I remember struggling in my first marriage because he was gone a long time. I had difficulty adjusting first to him leaving and then to him returning. I would get very avoidant and grumpy whenever he returned from his weeks long work assignments. He was always able to help me through it, though, and never made me wrong for being how I was. In my second marriage there was no help in adjusting whatsoever. Instead, my ex would panic and come on stronger, forcing hugs and closeness, and pointing out my flaws to make me feel shame for being how I was. There was no patience or acceptance of where my behaviors might have been coming from. He took it all very personally as if I was rejecting him or trying to be mean. The more I “rejected” him, the more coercive he became, the more I withdrew or reacted negatively and the cycle just continued and escalated to the point of becoming abusive. 

We were two wounded children acting out. That is it.  

I also notice that I tend to choose partners who work a lot and/or are gone a lot. This selection process happens subconsciously, of course. When my partner is around me for extended lengths of time I can get annoyed and agitated just because they are there. I often justify these feelings but honestly there is never a reason that makes sense.

Source

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Mugwort Tea and 2 OBEs

I’ve been drinking mugwort tea before tea for about four days. I haven’t noticed a difference in my dream recall but I did have a couple of OBEs in one night, which is unusual. Unfortunately, it has not helped me sleep through the night. I am still waking around 1-3am and then struggling to return to sleep.

The third night of tea I had a dream where I was having flashbacks to what appeared to be another person’s life. I don’t remember them now but I remember I began to sob. I then turned to another person near me and told them it was grief. I woke up and couldn’t return to sleep for an hour.

When I woke up it was around 3am. I immediately began to think of the future and found it difficult to see anything positive in it. I got up to take something to help me sleep and saw it was nearly 4am. So I opted to try to sleep without anything. My mind was still keeping me awake and eventually I got to a point where I said to my guidance, “I just want out”. When I said this, I felt myself giving up or maybe letting go of this life, all the issues in it, etc. When I did this, my mind instantly went blank, my body relaxed and I felt as if I was sinking into the bed.

OBE #1

Before I knew it I was aware of being in the in-between, right at the point where I could exit my body. Though not fully sure I was correct in this, I rolled out of my body and stood up but the sensation of my body indicated an incomplete circuit, meaning the energy was not fully present to hold that state. I returned to my body and lingered for a while. I remember the other space felt so real because of how solid it felt. 

I tried again and stood up. This time my energy was stable and my vision and all senses turned on with full clarity. I was in my mom’s living room. It was so solid I wondered if I was correct in being OOB but I didn’t have time to contemplate it further. My dog came up to me excitedly asking to go outside. I took him to the door and my mom’s other dog (deceased) joined us. There was no doubt I was dreaming then. I opened the door and walked outside. My mom’s dog shot by me and I slowly followed. It was early morning. The sun was bright and reflecting off the morning dew. I stopped, realizing my dog was not with me. I turned around and saw him attempting to poop right by the front door. I recognized I was being called back to observe, so I did for a moment. He was straining but no poop came so he eventually ran past me to joint the other dog. 

I walked down the porch steps and stood outside looking all around. The ground was moist as if it had rained in the night. I decided to try to fly, so I launched myself up, jumping high, and came back down quickly. Instead of landing I went down into the ground. The ground wasn’t solid! I was below ground level momentarily and then shot up, laughing aloud at the unexpectedness of it. 

I lingered for a moment unsure of what to do. I began to fly, hovering around 8 feet off the ground. I felt a tinge of worry about being sucked up into the sky and had the idea to fly up to test my courage. I was immediately pulled up at lightening speed. I usually lose vision, and I did for a short time, but intentionally opened my eyes to find myself in a fog of clouds and stars. I was surprised I didn’t lose awareness. Unfortunately, my surprise pulled me back into my body.

I woke but did not open my eyes. I switched positions because my hands were numb and tingly, then relaxed. I felt as if I was sinking into the bed again. I welcomed the feeling.

OBE #2

I was in my mom’s house again, laying on the sofa. I wanted to sleep but the noises around me were keeping me awake. My kids were running about as if they were little again. I could hear a child crying. I remember thinking I was glad my children weren’t that age anymore. Then my daughter grabbed me by the shoulders (it was very physically real), shook me hard and tried to force me to sit up. I resisted and told her to stop because I wanted to sleep. She did but urged me to get up and I relaxed back into the sofa wanting only to sleep, but I realized I was OOB, so I got up and explored the space.

There was a little girl about 2 years old running around. She had brown hair, chubby cheeks and bright eyes. I lifted up into the air, aware that I was a ball of light, and hovered over her as she ran. She squealed in delight. I lost interest and went through the front door into the yard. It was dark outside and people in cars driving down the driveway. Others were walking towards me. It looked like they were parking to go to a nearby event. They did not have permission to be there. So, I went about and began telling them to leave, that it was private property, etc. One man was belligerent and I told him I would “shoot his head off” if he didn’t leave (I didn’t have a gun). He laughed it off and asked me why I didn’t just come to the event with them. I said I was happy where I was but I remember questioning my answer as if I knew my answer was revelatory. I watched as they left and followed them, curious to see where this party was. When I got to the end of the driveway I began to lose energy. It felt like my energy was being slowly sucked downward. Eventually I was sucked down with it. 

When I came back into my body my heart was beating fast and I felt off. I have had this upon reentry before. It is uncomfortable. I rolled over, knowing I could return, but I decided not to. 

I had a conversation with my ex in the in-between. I was giving him advice about his mother telling him he will have to make important decisions for her soon and that he should ask her what she wants beforehand. I also told him he needs to let her make as many of the decisions as possible. I ended with, “I don’t want her to suffer” and came out of my reverie in tears. 

Reflection

I am surprised at how easy it was to go OOB when it has not been so for a very long time. Was it is the mugwort tea? Or was it just my request in saying, “I just want out” and my guidance assisting me during a difficult moment? Prior to bed I had asked for healing because I had a terrible headache that wouldn’t go away. I felt an instant soothing energy on my head. I also did self-healing and felt two assistants over me during that time. And earlier that day I had been feeling down on my walk and right as I had a thought about giving up I spotted a large, silver cross pendant on the sidewalk in front of me.

The OBEs themselves don’t really feel significant. The first one seems to have been a show of courage on my part. The second, especially the part where I was asked to join the party, seems to have been asking me to consider that maybe I am choosing to stay in one place rather than approach life with curiosity.

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Intellectualization

The energy of this new year feels really mental or, rather, thoughtful to me. Contemplative. I think it may be the lingering effects of the Cancer full moon. Reflecting on the past, especially related to family and relationships, is part of Cancer’s emotional energy. And that is what I have been doing. I couldn’t sleep because of it. My mind keeps trying to figure everything out, make sense of things.

My mind intellectualizes things in order to try to mitigate uncomfortable feelings I was taught to suppress as a child. Apparently this is a typical strategy adults like me use because it helped us cope as children. Imagine not being able to express certain emotions, being punished for expressing them and being put into your room in isolation to face them alone. It forces a person into their head. This is especially true for intelligent people. I was considered near genius level as a child with an IQ of 148. I learned recently that therapy seldom works with people like me because we are well aware of our patterns and why we are the way we are. If the therapist notices someone intellectualizes then they can teach them how to get out of the head and into the body to feel the emotion. I think that is what I need.

Anyway, I wondered about some things, looked deeper and caught a belief that might be inhibiting me. I have a belief that my ex is good and has good intentions so he couldn’t have been trying to control and manipulate me all along. I wondered if perhaps I was wrong and then all sorts of memory flooded my mind to prove that perhaps I am wrong and my ex did always have malintent. 

I had to write it in my phone notes to get to sleep. This is what I recalled:

My ex took my vulnerability and used it against me. He did this from the very beginning.

For example, he told my sister (the meth addict) when he was trying to fix the relationship between her, her husband and my mom, step-dad and I (and rest of the family). In this particular instance he was talking about my relationship with her. He told her he thought I was jealous of her and competing with her for our mom’s love. He confessed this to me, almost as if he was gloating about it, saying he did this to get her into ARC (Scientology term – Affinity,  Reality, Communication) with him. This just means he wanted her to think he shared her reality with him (form of manipulation). What he did was upsetting to me and I told him so and forbad him interfering anymore. I told him he was intentionally “stirring the pot” and it was not helpful. He denied it. I had told him about my early childhood issues with my sister in confidence. It was me saying “I can see I was like this as a child” but it was never meant to be used in the way it was.

Another example, when we were dating I confided in him some of the fantasy thoughts I had when I was angry, specifically about my ex-MIL and my cousin’s ex-BF (from my 20’s). I can be quite nasty in my fantasies when mad. I have confronted this part of my self and have made peace with it. My ex would bring up these in our discussions all the time and towards the end in our arguments to point out to me how evil I was. He would use deflection (change the topic I brought up to discuss to avoid having to confront it) and throw in such info as I confided in him early on. It was diabolical and I would call him out on it and he would get angry, yelling and sometimes throwing things. He did not like to get caught. 

Throughout our marriage he shared personal and very private, often sexual, information about our relationship with family and friends. He would later tell me he did it, seeming to brag, explaining it away or justifying it. Often times I would intuitively recognize the person he told this info to would change energy-wise when around me. I perceived something was off and would ask him and then he would confess. I doubt I got all the info he told them but the impact was obvious. He swore to stop doing it but never stopped. I discovered it so frequently I stopped confiding anything in him because I never knew who he would tell. 

He did all these things from the very beginning and I ignored my intuition which told me he was doing it purposefully. So, so many times I confronted him and he talked his way out of it, making me feel like I must be imagining it all. So, I chose to believe he didn’t mean to and dismissed my own inner Knowing. Now, however, I believe he was doing all of it consciously with the intent to turn people against me, his family, friends and even my own family. This was to isolate me and build himself up so that I would be less likely to leave him. I was already one to isolate myself, hermit that I am, so it was easy for him to further that isolation. Seemingly without support and with the confusion his purposeful gaslighting and deflection caused me, I did exactly what he wanted – I stayed and allowed him to continue unchallenged. I second-guessed myself all the time. I believed he was good and had good intention because if I entertained the idea he was the opposite then it would mean I made a mistake of letting someone like that into my life. Plus, he was so spiritual, etc., bettering himself, loved and liked by so many people, etc. Everything in reality said the opposite of what my intuition was telling me. Yet I ignored it.

I do think, now upon reflection of all this, that he may be a narcissist. My therapist seems to think so, anyway. I am ashamed of myself. I should’ve known better.  It sucks to recognize it now, so many years later, but it explains why he became so nasty, aggressive and abusive when I started to question him and set boundaries. It explains so much. 

My guides once said of my ex (years before I met him), “He will save you from yourself”. I can see now what they meant. I entered the relationship with low self-worth, not really knowing mySelf, full of fear, seeking someone to make decisions for me because making them myself was too difficult and scary, feeling lost, etc. I didn’t value myself, second-guessed myself, and was a people pleaser, shifting and changing to suit everyone but myself. When I had the heart opening in 2015 I was shown the lie and still couldn’t confront it. I saw through his “love” but because of the trauma of the situation I was unable to really digest and integrate all the info that was coming to me. It was only recently that I started to see and listen to my what my physical body and intuition was telling me all along. 

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Dreams: Prison Visit and New Position

Went to bed asking for healing of my second chakra since it was an area my guidance told me I should focus on. These are the dreams I had.

Prison Visit

I visited a jail. IDK if I was visiting a particular person or not but I do remember that I needed to use the restroom (seeking relief). So perhaps that was why I went? Anyway, inside there was a person who greeted me. I asked where the restroom was and was directed to the left, back of the space. I was in a hurry it seemed and rushed past a line of people checking into the prison. There were various types of people, young, old, male and female, standing in line wearing different types of clothing, some nice, some not so nice. Their faces were blank, eyes looking down at the floor or staring off into space. I walked past one younger guy who was more aware. He came up to me and told me he had pick pocketed me and showed me a tiny, golden bag tied with a ribbon (gift perhaps?). I took it and asked him how he got into my zipped purse. He just smiled at me mischievously. I looked inside to see if anything else was missing but couldn’t remember what all was inside. 

I left with my purse (self-worth, confidence) and went into the bathroom. Inside the toilets were exposed, no stalls. Each was clogged, some with toilet paper, others with tampons. I sat on a toilet clogged with tampons and relieved myself. The tampons were not soiled, which was odd. In fact, none of the toilets had anything gross in them, just white TP or tampons.

New Position (turns lucid)

I was with a group of people in a high class bar (meaningful transition). The lights were low, there were large mirrors on the walls and there was a golden hue to the space. Some well dressed men and women were with me who seemed to be guiding me. I had no idea where I was or what was going on. I felt out of place (unsure of path ahead) but kept getting reassured by the others. I was told I had a new position or job and sat down at a table across from a woman who seemed to know me. She began talking to me about technical things like computer programming (logical/technical). Instantly relieved I got into a conversation with her about it. This is when another woman approached and told me to come with her. I was going to leave to report to my new position. I went with the woman.

She took me to the car (life path), I got in and was on my way. I sat there looking out the window at the scenery as I drove. It was dark and the various lights from the city flew by so fast they appeared as streaks of blues, whites, reds and pinks. It was quite beautiful. After a while I became ultra aware that I was in the driver’s seat. I wasn’t driving, though. The steering wheel was moving on its own. Now lucid from the realization of my situation, I felt a bit of panic mixed with excitement. I looked up at the roof of the car considering flying up and out to go explore thinking, “I should get out of here” because I didn’t know if the car was safe. A feeling inside me stopped me as if saying, “No stay and observe.” I paused. I wondered, “Is this a self-driving car?” So I watched to see what would happen. The car was on a road traveling along it perfectly. I watched as the wheel moved appropriately with the road and felt the car’s speed fluctuate as needed. I relaxed, intrigued and curious, enjoying the ride. Then, out of nowhere an object came out from the edge of the road into the path of the car. The car hit it. I saw it as it hit the windshield. It was a large, stuffed objected resembling a Weeble Wobble toy. Honestly, looking back, it was quite funny, but in the dream I thought, “Was that a person?”. The car didn’t deviate from its path nor did it brake or suffer any damage. I noted it as evidence that I would be safe inside the traveling vehicle no matter what obstacles came into the road/path. I knew the toy resembled an individual, not a specific one, just any individual, that crosses my path. I woke. 

Reflection

Both dreams feel positive. The prison one is a healing dream. I have dreamed of being inside a prison in the past many times. In fact, one of my Light Code Oracle cards named “Fear” is of the view from inside a prison looking out. I believe the dream is showing me I am no longer a prisoner. I am given the gift of self-confidence (purse) and leave the prison with it. 

The second dream is reassuring me that my new path is one I have knowledge of and am prepared for. The car portion is further reassurance by actually showing me what this looks like/means. It reminds me of Human Design because in it the body is described as the vehicle and you are suppose to allow the higher self (magnetic monopole) to drive and just be an observer. As long as you listen to your strategy and authority (let the higher self drive) then you will be safe and stay on your path. 

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Return of 11:11

Lots going on, only so much time to write without it getting super long….

Dream: Healing Second Chakra

I was with a group of people and we seemed to be traveling. I mostly recall the end of the dream now as it was early in the night that I had it. We came to a waterpark type scene that reminded me of a local waterpark with lazy river tube shoots. Around the tube sections was greenery that reminded me of Costa Rica, so very tropical. We were not in the water but walking along it I think. I remember a woman approached me and asked me if I would consider letting her insert something into me. It looked like she either had a massive dildo or she actually had a penis on her female body. I remember agreeing and she asked if I thought it might be too big. I took a good look (lol) and said it was fine. When she inserted it, I felt a wave of energy and woke.

The area of my second chakra was achy and it stayed achy for some time after. I felt healing energy pouring in through my back also and thought about how, in the past when the K would rise in a similar way, I would have an ache there. I knew there was a blockage in my second chakra. I asked my guidance to help me get rid of it ASAP and was told it couldn’t happen fast as there were many, many layers to it and it would be unwise. 

Dream: Visit with Ray

I was in my mom’s bathroom (cleansing the inner self), the one I use to use as a child/teenager. I was on my hands and knees with a long handled scrub brush like one would use to clean a toilet but I was cleaning the bathtub (desire for greater intimacy in life). The tub was covered in a bluish (throat chakra) colored substance that had thickened and begun to dry out. In the dream I knew I had started to clean the tub but never finished and the cleaner had been left awaiting my return. As I began to scrub I felt Ray’s presence behind me. We talked about my cleaning of the tub itself and he pointed to a wire rack next to it. The rack had peeling paint on it that was starting to come off. He pulled on it and it came off in long, elastic pieces. I helped and what was left was exposed metal. I resumed cleaning the tub, scrubbing the blue cleaner off easily. 

Then we were in my mom’s kitchen (nourishment). We mainly just talked. There was no intense energy, just friendly conversation and enjoying one another’s company. I felt completely at ease and relaxed and I think he did, too. I don’t remember what all we talked about but at one point he sat on top of my mom’s dryer (laundry is in the kitchen near the back door). He seemed to be talking about something important to him, something private or intimate. So he was opening up and being vulnerable. I sensed this and inched closer to him to the point that I was standing situated between his legs. He was up high, so my upper abdomen was right between his legs and my face was just a little bit lower than his own. Our closeness felt appropriate and, again, there was no crazy, intense energy, just affection and openness to one another. 

This is when someone came by the back window and knocked. I went up to see what it was about. It was a woman with her kids all dressed to swim with towels and everything. She inquired if the pool (healing waters) was open and said she had $100 to pay for the season. I told her my mom had long ago closed the pool and, though it was in good shape, she could not swim. I did consider letting them but opted not to. The woman left and I told Ray about it and how, at one point, the neighbors would come over to swim all the time. I remember how the pool and area looked. The pool itself was aqua and clear (clear emotion) and the surroundings littered with lawn chairs but otherwise tidy. 

When I woke I was extra alert to the fact that Ray was in my dream. I also still felt the healing energy in my lower abdomen. I wondered about the dream and whether it indicated I would receive communication from him soon. 

Dream: Corndogs on the Bus

The dreams with Ray continued. He picked me up and took me to a school bus (important life journey). I had with me a box of corndogs (simple pleasures in life) and asked him if he wanted one. I told him I could cook it real fast in the microwave. He indicated he did as we walked up the steps of the bus. I asked if he thought the others would want one, saying I probably had enough. That is when I noticed how full the bus was. I mentioned that I may not have enough after all and looked at the box to see, moving the corndogs around to get an inventory. I looked at the people inside and there was a variety to include mothers with children. Trying to solve the problem of insufficient corndogs, I thought perhaps we could prioritize the children. This is where the dream ended.

Corndogs symbolize the simple pleasures in life, relaxation and satisfaction, wealth and success, companionship and loyalty. I was offering this to my friend and then to the people on the bus which means I want others to share in my experience. When I see I may not have enough then I prioritize the children. I think this dream shows how generous I am in general, especially when I feel happy. 

Messages

I’ve been seeing 1111 quite frequently and have been noting it. The pic here is one time I notice and took a screenshot of my phone. Only after did I see the song playing and how the name relates to the Kundalini – Fuel to Fire.

I had a dream the night before last that relates to the above.

Dream: Second Stage 

I was sitting at my computer writing in my blog. When I pressed “post” the wrong blog post appeared on the screen. It said it was from 2016. I panicked because I didn’t want to write everything again. I tried to recover what was lost and found it didn’t work. Instead, certain words in the post became bolded. After some nudging by my guidance I calmed down and began to pay attention to the bolded words. What I recall now is the words “second stage” and the complete sentence was that I was now in the second stage. Other than that, I can’t remember any of the other bolded words despite reading all of them. I only remember the year 2016 and “ascension”.  That was the year that I had the meeting with my heart connection (Ray) and told my now-ex that I wanted a divorce. That was also the year my heart connection disappeared from my life of his own choice to avoid becoming entangled in the karma of the situation.  

Reflection

The year 2016 and message “second stage” stand out. I looked through my blog and noticed that year was full of Kundalini activity, messages, and significance in general. The year began with a post about recognizing the walk-in situation. This is something Ray and I discussed in our most recent conversation. I told him I didn’t feel the walk-in was real and yet this post indicates otherwise. I also found a post specifically about “the next stage“, so perhaps it is relevant? There was a post called Velantium also. I looked up the word and it translates to “covering or veiling”, something I never mentioned in the post itself. Finally, there were several posts about Atlantis. 

2016 was a very exciting year! I didn’t have time to look through all the posts but man oh man was I ever accelerating! If I am in fact picking up where I left off, then I wonder what it will entail?

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Dreams: Obstacle Course and Betrayal

Some dreams to document…

Dream: Obstacle Course

I was with a group outside near a body of water (emotion) which was below an embankment we were all standing on. We were waiting on something and it felt like I was participating in an obstacle course. Out of the sky fell some gray, flat objects. I asked what they were and someone told me they were to help warm the water as it was so cold it would cause a shock to the body. I pointed to a narrow section of the water and asked, “Why not just jump across?” I jumped across easily and the others followed me.

On the other side we stood on a sandy area near the body of water. I don’t remember much here except the scene and how vast and dark (unknown, fear) the water was out in front of us

Then we were in a bedroom (personal life). We all got into a large bed. A screen was on the wall and we were to watch a movie (life). I found it quite boring but stayed since it felt like it was my duty to do so. Then I turned and saw everyone had left the bed and I was alone. Realizing I didn’t have to stay for duties sake, I got up and looked for my shoes (individual life path) to leave. I saw my black shoes, still wet from the obstacle course, and also my gray ones. My gray ones had the laces (ties to ones path) partially pulled out, though. I commented that someone must have tried to take them. A guide who was with me the entire dream stood behind me and I noticed his presence strongly at this point. 

Reflection

I think this dream symbolizes the unknowns of an obstacle course that has been my life. I survived with only wet shoes but then proceeded to “get in bed” with others to watch a boring movie (life) and then realized they weren’t there with me and it was pointless to stay. The shoelaces off the shoe indicates a subconscious awareness of loosening social ties with a particular group. In this case I think it is my husband’s family. I was “in bed” with them, trying hard to be accepted into their group despite finding their “movie” boring. lol 

Dream: Betrayal

I was with my ex inside a house similar to the one we shared when married. He was being very nice and generous since I felt acknowledged by him, I offered to help with some household chores. This is when I noticed we were laying side by side on the sofa. I felt safe with him and reached for his hand. He responded by reminding me his girlfriend was upstairs and so I should be quiet so as to not wake her. This infuriated me and I considered going upstairs and confronting her, even doing her harm. Rather than do that, I fled, went outside to my car and drove away. I tried to get out fast but someone had left their chickens out and they kept wandering into my path. I had to stop several times to avoid killing them. 

Reflection

When I woke I felt bad about the dream because it outlined the betrayal I felt. My ex often manipulated me like he did in the dream. I felt I betrayed myself by continuing to believe he actually cared about me. 

A flash of a sentence written three times came into my mind. It said, “You deserve better”. I agreed. 

I think the dream shows my regret for my outbursts upon recognizing the betrayal I felt and how I avoided doing much worse things by trying to flee the scene. Unfortunately, chickens (fear) kept slowing me down. 

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Transformation

My second day at work was yesterday. So far I feel welcomed and the people seem genuine. Today I am going into a couple of classrooms to introduce myself. I get to present a slideshow using an interactive whiteboard (its like a big touchscreen computer on the wall in each classroom). I’m a bit nervous but only about using the technology. So much has changed since I was last in a classroom! I have been assigned 3rd and 4th grade to teach guidance lessons and this starts the first week in December. Eventually I will see students one-on-one as needed. 

What I love already about this job is that the admin does not ask the counselors to help with any discipline. This is unheard of! The one complaint I had about my last counseling job was that they kept interrupting my day to have me assist with out of control students and other disciplinary issues. It is not the job of the school counselor to be an admin! So not having that as a complaint at this job will make the job almost perfect in terms of school counseling. 

It is also refreshing to work somewhere no one knows me. At my other job (family business) I could feel the family members judgmental attitude towards me. I was only in the office once a week, which helped, but when I was it wasn’t fun to feel that projected onto me. They had judgments because my ex would vent to them when he was upset with me and so, over the past 18 years, the negative remarks built up and they all decided I was “suppressive”. It is hard to change someone’s mind when they have decided who you are, even harder when they are in-laws. So, at this job when I meet someone, I feel no judgement which is so refreshing. They are genuinely happy to have me as part of the group, or at least it feels that way. I think my perspective has shifted, also. I am purposefully being open minded and attempting to remain aware of my own judgements. I am also being mindful of self-doubt that comes up when I feel unsure of myself. I am asking questions and allowing myself to be vulnerable in that way – very unlike me. 

In past jobs I worked to make money. In this job I am working to help and be of service. This shift will likely lead to some interesting revelations and lessons. I am trying to approach this new stage in my life as a child would – full of wonder and curiosity – rather than as a cynic. 

As I left the school yesterday, I saw a group of small children with an after school teacher. They were lined up and smiling, attentive and eager to learn. It brought up a memory of how I tend to be when OOB. I gravitate towards children and babies and in one OBE – “The Spiritual Processing Hub” was the name if I recall correctly – I remember being drawn to the babies and children and knowing they were always my favorite. This memory along with seeing the kids there as I walked to my car made it impossible not to burst into tears. 

Honestly, I don’t know where this is all coming from – the sense of wanting to be around children. I have have only felt that way when OOB and with my own kids but rarely with other people’s kids. However, in this job I am feeling great love for them all when I see them. I can’t help but smile. 

I also realized that this job matches my environment in Human Design. I am Markets Internal, which means I invite people into my space rather than going to an office or whatever to do my “work”. At this job I have my own office which I share with the morning counselor. She has set it up marvelously and so I don’t have to do anything to make it a good counseling space. When a student needs me they will come to my space and there I will work with them one-on-one. The guidance lessons are as a group in someone else’s space but what I am doing in unique to me so it seems applicable as well. 

This morning I was thinking of all of the above after some visions I had upon waking. One of the visions was of a snake. The snake sightings have stopped because I am not at my country home but I keep seeing them in other places – visions, and a snake like object in the parking lot the other day that made me jump. lol Snakes are transformation (also the Kundalini). I have been hoping I would have K energy again but I think at this time it is merely a transformation from one version of me to another. It saddens me a bit because I miss the K. It also scares me a bit, too. 

As if to confirm, I woke to this on my wall.

It’s called “Transformation”.

When decorating my new apartment bedroom, I selected some paintings I felt drawn to. This one is literally in front of me when I wake up. And across, on the other wall are three others. I see their order like drawing oracle cards – a message of the path I am currently one. 

The names of them, in order left to right, are: Health, Kundalini, and Mission. These can be found via my Walk-In Life blog if you would like to read the card descriptions.

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I Finally Feel It

On the drive to my cabin this morning I felt it…the feeling of wanting to continue to live this life as long as possible.

Woah. 

The wild part is just how different it feels from how I usually feel. The feeling comes with absolutely no expectation. It doesn’t involve another person, either. <——-This is HUGE for me. It is simply wanting to live in order to see what is next, full of curiosity and interest. In that moment, in my mind I saw a page turning. It’s the feeling one gets when reading a really good book they can’t put down. That is the feeling. 

Prior to this feeling I was mulling over the idea of joining a community choir. I love to sing, so why not? I also thought of my daughter and how proud I am of her. I thought of my boys, too, and how I couldn’t wait to witness them grow into adults. I got teary eyes thinking of it. And that is when it hit me – I want to keep living. 

I got to my cabin thinking, “I don’t want this feeling to ever go away.” And I don’t. Is this why people cling to life so desperately? If so, I can finally say I understand. 

And yes, I know what awaits me on the Other Side of this life. I haven’t forgotten. But, like a good dream, I think I might want to sleep a bit longer….just a little bit. To explore a little longer.

God please let this feeling last. Please.