Category Archives: Healing

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A Hellish 10 Days

How is everyone? The eclipse energies and whatever else was going on alongside it was intense, wasn’t it? For me, particularly, it was quite a challenge.

First, there was the mental torture. I did it to myself, of course. My monkey-mind was very, very difficult to shut down. I kept thinking that I needed to act on the repetitive thoughts, because, well they were repeating. As someone with a completely open head center (Human Design) this is a very bad idea. The head center is a pressure center. This means that there is a sense that one should act on the thoughts they are having. But this center doesn’t have the means in and of itself to take any action. It just exerts pressure. Without being connected to an energy center that can take the thoughts and put them into action, the pressure just sits there saying, “DO SOMETHING”. An open head center is like a radio station that never tunes to one channel for very long. The channels constantly change; a constant flow of random thoughts and ideas. So, I have never-ending mind chatter as a rule and the key is to ignore it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ignore it and it made some unnecessary waves in my life. Thankfully, the waves settled on their own. I could’ve done without the drama, though. Bleh!

On top of all the above, I had some crazy physical symptoms that came out of the blue all at once and with an intensity that had me worried I would have to go to the ER. I know for a fact that my monkey mind created some of it, but at the time I didn’t see the connection.

The physical issues that arose were numerous. The most concerning were the heart palpitations. I’ve had experience with them in the past but never like this. To give you an idea of how frequent they occurred, in a 30 minute window I noted 6 incidences and this was while I was fairly calm, standing at my desk doing work. In comparison, my past experiences would be one or two as I settled down to sleep. The palpitations never came with any other symptoms – no chest pain, no breathing difficulty, no light-headedness – so I just monitored them and changed my intake of caffeine to see if it would help. Two days after cutting all caffeine, the palpitations decreased significantly. Now, at day five they are all but gone. Yay!

One night, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and a pounding heart that wouldn’t settle after waking. In the dream I had taken a young boy hostage and was torturing him (eeek!). I decided to let him go because I didn’t want to kill him. When I did, I immediately regretted my decision and became frantic as I attempted to clean up all traces of me from the crime scene. However, I knew I didn’t have enough time and began to freak out in the dream. When I woke my heart rate was around 100BPM and it took about a half hour for it to settle down.

As a result of the heart palpitations I was constantly staving off panic attacks. Ugh! I became a super-hermit as a result. lol

I had also been feeling more tired in the evenings. It was the tired like I took a sleeping pill when I didn’t. The fatigue would hit me around 8pm, so it didn’t impact my day. Then I would sleep really, really deeply.

I’ve also been extremely angry to the point that I struggle to hold it back. I had a wall of emotion break through and behind it was the anger. Loads and loads – a lifetime of anger.

I’ve also had really itchy arms and eczema. Ugh! So annoying! Thankfully, this is also subsiding now.

In order to ease the physical and mental symptoms, I began to meditate more, take afternoon naps and just increase overall self-care. I even did some Reiki self-healing, which I rarely do.

Thankfully, all of the above has settled. My mind is quieter and I feel calmer in general, the fatigue in the evenings has vanished, my heart palpitations are nearly non-existent and my eczema is clearing. My sleep is back to normal, also, with more frequent waking and better dream recall. The anger is still present, but no longer threatening to overflow. I now need to find a way to release it without negatively impacting those around me.

Dreams

Two distinct dreams from early this morning.

Fairies

In the first one, I was visiting a cavern with my Mom, her husband and my brother. My brother was young, maybe 10 years old. I arrived early when something caught my eye. It was some kind of machine and there were these small, white, fluffy creatures flying around it that resembled a dandelion capitulum. They appeared to be alive, like fairies or butterflies. I tried to take photos and video and my phone froze after a few pics. So, I watched the little fairies, fascinated. They soon transformed into these flat, round, blobs that stuck to the side of the tower. Each had circular nodules poking out of the tops. I was fascinated by them so when Mom arrived I showed her and she said my sister had played that game. I guess it was a half real/half simulated video game of some kind? 

Then Mom and I left and I asked about waiting for her husband and my brother. She said he would call and meet up with us later. We were walking outside in a parking lot but then shifted to inside a space. There, she was going through pots and pans and I had memory of  my sister asking me, through tears, if I had a pasta pot she could have because she lost hers. I mentioned it to Mom and then had memory of a pot and pan I had given Mom a long time ago. It was from early in my marriage. 

Then, we were sitting next to each other talking, but when I turned to look at my mom, she wasn’t there, a blonde man was. He was showing me some wounds on his arms and I saw a circular spot of blood on his blue jeans. I asked, “Did I do that to you?” He laughed and said I hadn’t. Then, without warning, I felt an energy from him that was very attractive and full of love. It washed over me and I leaned toward him as he leaned towards me. We were about to embrace when the energy woke me up. It swirled around my entire body for a bit before I returned to sleep.

Beauty Knows Beauty

This dream began with a story and visual of a young woman. She had been in an accident that had ripped half of her scalp off. After surgery she was almost completely bald. I was told and saw how she had to use makeup and to fill in the bald spots. The hair she had was mostly stubble. I watched as she meticulously filled in bald spots in the front with makeup. I remember thinking she actually looked good and thinking others would get use to her looking that way.

Then I was in a salon. I believe I was both an observer and the participant because I shifted perspectives quite often. The bald girl was me and I was there to get a wig fitted. Then I was standing next to the stylist showing her how long to make the extensions for a black woman (also me). The extensions were extremely long and needed to be trimmed.  

When the black woman’s hair was done she looked beautiful with her new extensions. However, her hair shifted from black to pure white as did her fake eyelashes. As I saw this, the stylist came up to me and put fake eyelashes on me. I laughed because I don’t wear them usually. One wouldn’t stick and I tried to put it back, holding it in my hands for a second to look at it. One second it was black and the next it was white. I never got to see my reflection but was staring at the black woman who now had white hair and lashes.

The stylist, also black, and the other black woman sat and chatted with me like we were good friends. They asked me if I was married and I confirmed I was. They asked how long and I said, “Since 1997, but I’m on my second marriage.” They asked how it was going and I said, “Okay, but as soon as someone better comes along I’m leaving.” We all laughed in unison. One woman was about to ask another question but I interrupted and said, “Do you mind me asking you both something? Why is it that men don’t know how to pleasure a woman?” They laughed in understanding. The answer I got was a sense that the other women knew it as an accepted fact. It also felt like part of the answer was that women were far superior to men when it came to intimacy and connection. Though we know this we don’t boast about it or try to make less of the men. It is a lesson in patience, understanding and acceptance. 

Then, the woman who had white hair was the focus. Her hair was black again and she was upset. I remember reassuring her that she was beautiful. She said, “How do you know? You’re not God.” I replied, “The beauty in me sees the beauty in you.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks as she smiled in gratitude.

Interpretations

My sense of the first dream is that I was being taken in my subconscious (caverns). The “fairies” represent those things which are curious and magical. They shed light on the “games” I enjoy in waking reality. The ending is a reminder of the love available to me.

The second dream feels to be a reflection on inner versus outer beauty. I saw beauty in both women who I also became through the course of the dream. The bald woman and the black woman were both version of myself who I found beautiful in their own distinct ways. The message I gave the woman at the end was also a message to myself. A reminder of what true beauty is.

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Finally, A Lucid Dream!

Woke at 5am with thoughts of returning to Costa Rica, this time for three months. It would be nice to wake every morning by the ocean again, to the sounds of the rain forest lulling me to sleep and greeting me every morning. Even the lack of a/c doesn’t phase me. If it means I can be alone for a long stretch then it might be the best thing I could do right now.  

I was considering this as an option when I fell asleep.

Dream: Lonely

The dream began in a very small classroom. I was seated beside about four or five other students and the teacher was at the front near the door. The teacher was giving us instructions for exercises that were part of a workout. Four exercises, one after the other and then a break. I wasn’t interested because of the cramped space. There was nowhere to stand up so the exercises would have to be done while seated. 

A female student seated close to me was far more interesting to me than the class. I turned and began to chat with her. I can’t remember what I was talking about now but she listened attentively. At one point I stomped my foot to emphasize what I was saying but that is all I can remember. 

Suddenly, the class was finished and everyone was getting up to leave. The student I had been talking to told me the teacher was annoyed by my behavior. I mentioned that I had wondered if she even noticed I wasn’t participating. The other student confirmed, saying the teacher was especially bothered when I stomped my foot. I remember thinking my behavior rude but didn’t care. The teacher in me, however, understood the teacher’s perspective.

We left the classroom together and began walking down a wide sidewalk on campus. It was bright and sunny outside and there was a lot of space and greenery around. The other student walked to my left, a span of about eight feet between us. She was cordial but appeared to not want to be associated with me.  I didn’t blame her. 

We walked in silence for a bit, me thinking how nice it would be to have her as a friend. In my mind I knew a friendship was out of the question because, 1. she was much younger than me and so we would have little in common, and 2. I couldn’t trust her to listen to me without judgement. 

I realized then that when I had been talking to her in class, she only appeared to be listening in order to not draw attention to herself. Had I paid attention to her body language I would’ve known she had no interest whatsoever in what I was saying. I had inadvertently made her my accomplice.

With these thoughts I remember acknowledging my loneliness in this life. I began to cry as I realized there was really no one I could talk to, like really talk to. I can’t even blog or post in forums without someone judging me and writing critical comments. Even if their comments appear constructive, I can feel the irritation in their replies. How dare I feel what I feel and not see how blessed I am compared to them and others! Then I feel guilty, thinking they are right. I have no right to complain or be unhappy when so many people have it far worse. I figure, if I can’t vent my frustrations, petty or not, without feeling judged, then I should just hold it in. So, I hold it in where it festers and turns into bitterness. 

I have no safe space. Nowhere is safe to openly be myself. So, I suffer alone, in silence. How dare I feel what I feel!? Like my mom always told me, “Spoiled, ungrateful brat”.

I woke briefly from the tears and returned to dreamtime.

Lucid Dream: Doing My Mom’s Laundry

My mother must’ve been on my mind because I end up in her house. The purpose of my visit is to check on her because she is ill.  

I walk into the house. It is dark and quiet. I carefully make my way to my mother’s bedroom. I have with me a white, plastic bag. It contains items I think will make her feel better while she recuperates. 

I knock and announce my entry. When I enter she is fast asleep. I whisper to her that I brought her a care package. I set it on the nightstand and tiptoe out of the room. I shut the door behind me.

As I am leaving, I hear something behind me. I turn to see the bedroom door has opened. I return and close it. When I turn back towards the living room I see the TV is on. The volume is too high so I turn it off, thinking it will wake up my mom. When I look up I see her bedroom door is open yet again. I go and shut it. When I turn back towards the living room, again, the TV is on and the volume too high. This time I see my oldest son lying on the sofa covered in blankets. I tell him he needs to get up and get ready to leave. He protests, wanting to finish his TV show. I notice he is much younger than he is in waking reality. Looking closer, I suspect he is about 5 or 6 years old. 

I look towards my mom’s bedroom because I again worry she will be awakened by the TV. Once again, the door is open. Thinking I must not be closing it all the way, I return and specifically focus on closing it completely. I hear it click and am satisfied.

At this point I am becoming suspicious, thinking something is not quite right. So, I investigate. I look around, noting what is out of place. The TV is on the wrong side of the room and the sofa is where the front door should be. My son is too young. And what is he doing there in the first place? And the bedroom door keeps coming open. 

I head into the kitchen. It is a mess and I think of helping my mom out by tidying up. I decide that is what I will do but am distracted. The laundry room door is open and the light is on, I head in that direction instead. I am suspicious. My mom doesn’t have a laundry room!

When I walk into the laundry room it is very brightly lit. The first thing I notice is the washer is missing. I think it must be broken. Yet, the minute I have this thought, I am leaning down and pulling out wet close from the washer! When I look down, it isn’t there but I have some wet clothing in my hands. So, I decide to dry the clothes for my mom so they won’t be mildewy. Suddenly, the empty space below me has a very tiny dryer. It is so tiny I have to kneel down to open the lid. I turn it on and it works. I feel hot air blowing right in my face. I dump in a couple of items and close the lid (which is on top like a washing machine). 

I hear what sounds like my mom’s voice behind me. I think, “I must have awakened her.” I turn and the door to the laundry room is closed. I reach to open the door and as I do, I feel someone tap me on the right shoulder. It is a very real, very solid feeling and surprises me. No one is in the room with me! I finish opening the door and behind it is a solid wall. I remember thinking there is no way out but don’t care because….it is a dream.

I turn to see who tapped me on the back. Finding no one, I laugh to myself. Of course there isn’t. The tap was meant to get my attention. The tap was meant to help me recognize the dream!

My attention is drawn to a rack that is above the dryer. This rack physically exists in my house in waking reality. I see two white strings hanging from the rack. On the ends of them are little balls. At the back of my mind I am considering the lack of an exit but don’t care. I want to play. So, I decide I want to make one of the balls move. I “think” it into motion, because, well it’s MY dream. I am instantly successful. Next, I make both little balls swing towards one another. My intention works and they hit and explode in opposite directions. I feel successful and laugh. This wakes me up.

When I wake I can feel the return to my physical body, something I haven’t felt in ages! The transition is fairly smooth, which also surprises me. The energy settles, indicating I can move. I open my eyes and shift positions, knowing that doing this prevents me from immediately returning to the OOB state. I don’t care. I know I’m too excited for that.

Considerations

The first dream is a typical scenario in my life. When I am in a good mood, I often talk fast and excitedly to others and easily ignore signs that indicate the communication is unwanted or at an inappropriate time. In the dream it was a classmate and I definitely missed the obvious signs.

I get sad in the dream because I want a friend and am lonely. Yet, my experience of friendships has not been good. They tend to be one-sided. The friend wants me to be a friend to them but, when it is time for them to be a friend to me, they fall short. All I want is a safe place to be myself, to be heard and accepted. I can honestly say I’ve never found that in a friend. Not once. This dream came with tears, of course, and me recognizing I’ve given up on finding a friend, or even a lover, that provides me with that safe space. I’ve even withdrawn from public journals and forums because, well it hurts when I bare my soul and am rejected for it.

I can already hear the comments and questions in response to what I wrote above. Have you provided a safe place for others? I think I use to, back when I eagerly accepted friendships and wanted to be a “good friend”. As I’ve grown more cautious and cynical, I just outright reject offers of friendship if I sense even the slightest judgment or criticism from the other’s energy. So, yeah, I’m super stand-offish and, where I use to listen with compassion and sympathy to the other, now I don’t have the time for it. Why give the other all I have when it won’t be returned? I’m done being stepped on and used. 

And if you judge me for what I just said, well f**k off!

As for the lucid dream, it was pretty awesome, even if short-lived. There was a return of the symbolism of tidying up my mom’s house. I recently had a dream where I was doing just that and also making her bed. This time I was also doing her laundry. The symbolism is purification, acceptance and an attempt to clean things up in general. The door opening time and time again is an indicator that there is something I wish to put an end to but it just isn’t happening. There is still something left undone. Thankfully, I hear the door click, so maybe there is hope?  

I find it reassuring that I am still capable of having lucid dreams and going OOB. It has been sooooo long! It was nice to feel playful and curious again. That is my natural state. I miss feeling like that.

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Healing Dream Visit

Woke in tears just before 5am. Prior to sleep I prayed for guidance on certain things. I’m not sure this dream did that but it definitely shed some light on why I have been feeling so angry.

Healing Dream Visit

I woke up at my Mom’s house and immediately began tidying up. I knew that my heart connection was there. He had stayed the night. The feeling I had was akin to holding my breath. There was a lot of emotion and I was working hard to hold it all back.

I was in her room making her bed when he first approached me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was “cleaning up”. He came up to me and we hugged. Being close to him was marvelous but also bittersweet. Our Divine connection, the love, the magnetism – all of it – came back all at once. 

We talked some but I don’t remember what we talked about now. I believe he told me he was also cleaning up and that it had to do with his own mother. 

Most of my memory revolves around us kissing passionately and embracing. We did this for a while and I wanted desperately for him to stay, but I knew he was going to leave. This Knowing was the bittersweet part. Knowing we couldn’t be together, that we had different paths to take and the moment would pass leaving me decimated all over again. I cried slow, sorrowful tears as we lingered there together. 

This lasted quite a while and I know there were other parts of the dream I can’t recall going on behind the scenes. Discussion was the main part but I have flashes of other memories. In one, he was watching a movie. The scene playing was of a man disrespecting a woman. My response was to comment on how unfair it was that men were misrepresented like that.

When it was time for him to leave I watched him go. I could hear him sobbing and I called out to him. When he turned around, tears streaming down his face, he was no longer him but an unfamiliar woman. I had no idea who this woman was but I said to her, “I know how you feel because I feel it, too.”  

After

I awoke in shock. The emotion and connection from the dream still with me. I was laying on my back and if I moved even the slightest tears would come rolling out of my eyes. I wasn’t actively crying but the tears were there, welling up and continuing to overflow as if a part of me had been saving them up for just this moment. 

The anger at the unfairness of life was apparent. I was angry that such a love existed – still out there – but I couldn’t enjoy it. It had been tainted by our humanity, corrupted by conditioning and false beliefs. And it was clear karma played a part, too, keeping us focused on whatever plans were set in motion when we entered these physical bodies. 

I can’t help but feel as if I am being punished. I know that isn’t how it works, but it feels that way anyway. The woman at the end of the dream feels to be a version of me that I was acknowledging. I was empathizing with her, telling her I could feel what she felt and shared her grief. Perhaps it is a positive, indicating that I am finally accepting some part or all of the lesson? 

Regardless, it is clear I am still healing. I’ve been reminded of this frequently but the memories of the healing are so infrequent that I forget.  

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Progress and K Dream

I’ve been struggling with monkey-mind more than usual this past two weeks. I got fed up with it and finally prayed for assistance.

Assistance was provided, though I wasn’t consciously aware of the change until the end of the day, Monday.

Since then, mind chatter has been low to non-existent. I actually caught myself ignoring thoughts that passed through rather than focusing on them. The results were magnificent; however, I caught myself “bored” on more than one occasion. It is odd to have no thought and I find it “boring”. When my mind chatter is turned on there is so much to be “entertained” by that it makes life a bit more interesting. The problem is that the kind of things I think of are usually not positive. I typically focus on problems, on things that irritate and annoy me or on random memories and events that have no point except to pull me out of the present moment. 

I realized I give my thoughts so much energy to remind myself of things that need to be done. If I am not thinking of that to-do list for the day/week/month, then I worry I will forget and end up with future problems. For example, if I don’t remember to pick up my child from that after school practice or don’t pay a bill. But if I look at most of the items on this never-ending to-do list, there are few that really are so important that I need to constantly remind myself of them. Thinking of things that need to be done typically leaves me feeling anxious or unsettled. So, it would be better, I think, to just let them go along with all the other pointless information floating around in my head. 

As someone with a completely open head center in HD, there is a “pressure to think about things that don’t matter,”. An open head is a constant in-flow of pointless chatter. My youngest son, who has an undefined head center, easily gets pulled into this chatter, also. He has mentioned struggling to keep his mind quiet. He often goes off into daydreams or loses touch with present time conversations because of it. When he was really little, he would blurt out random comments out of the blue. He still does this every now and then. I suspect as he gets older he will withhold the random, off-subject comments but he will still think them. This happens as people repeatedly reject him for this quirky habit. I know, I learned to keep quiet for the same reason. I was always blurting out random things as a child. I still sometimes do. lol

Every one in my family – me, my husband and three children – have open/undefined head centers. All of us are going around thinking about things that don’t matter and blurting out off-topic stuff at random. It can be quite entertaining, until it’s not. lol

Surprise K Dream

With my success in containing my monkey-mind, at least for the time being, I was blessed with another K Dream. 🙂

In the dream, my husband took me and the kids to a friend’s house. We were at their house in their garage and my husband let the boys play with her boys. I remember the purpose of the visit was to plan some event. 

Then they (my husband, his friend and others) all were wearing bright red capes with hoods. It reminded me of a cult. The capes had a gold emblem on the front. When they all had their hoods up it was creepy. They were gathering for some kind of ceremony. This creeped me out and I demanded the children leave with me. I got them to meet me at a truck and we drove off.

Then I was inside a space with a male energy who I considered my “husband”. Someone was talking to me. IDK if it was this “husband” or someone else. I remember seeing a line of naked men facing me while standing along a black wall, hand-in-hand. There was no way to get through them and they didn’t move. The man whose voice I heard told me, “You should have more sex”. I disagreed, of course, and was not interested. I sat down with my back to the “husband” character in the dream as the voice made this statement. I was very resistant and the emotion I remember feeling the strongest was anger. It made me angry that this man would suggest I have more sex with my husband. My anger created an energetic “wall” around me.

The anger was still strong when my “husband” slowly pulled up behind me. I couldn’t see him but he was very obviously attempting to have sex with me. I could feel him pressed up against my back. Still angry and purposefully facing away from him, I didn’t physically resist his advances. I felt a surge of pleasure like a lightening bolt hit my root. I moved with it and it exploded upward becoming ever more pleasurable. It wasn’t an orgasm, though, just pure ecstasy.

The feeling woke me but did not stop. Instead, it spread upward into my heart where it settled and then moved back down. The energy kept circulating between root and heart this way for some time. It was pleasurable but not overwhelming.

The message to “have more sex” was odd. With who I wonder? The men lined up against the black wall? So odd! What is clear is that I have a lot of pent-up anger I’m carrying around. The anger didn’t feel bad in the dream, it felt almost good, like tension that has built-up over time.

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Dream: Buried Horses

Woke up in tears twice last night/this morning.

But first, something interesting happened yesterday. 

Through the window I saw two men struggling with a cat. One had on gloves and the other had a carrier. The cat kept attacking the man wearing gloves but it didn’t run far. It seemed injured and the men weren’t making progress, so, I went out with a large towel to try and help. The men were grateful and tried covering the cat with a towel. Surprisingly, it jumped and ran away and hid in the bushes. It’s hind legs were definitely injured. We followed it but it was very obviously stressed, panting hard and pupils dilated. We decided to let it rest and one of the men was going to call animal control.

I went back to my house to work and watched the cat from the window. It didn’t move and the sun was beating down on it. After some time passed I felt bad and took it some water. It wouldn’t drink and just hissed at me. So I returned to watch from a distance while I worked. 

Eventually one of the men returned. I went out and he said animal welfare didn’t open until 11am and were on their way. It had been over an hour. The cat was still alive but weak and stressed. Animal welfare arrived and picked it up easily. It hissed but didn’t put up a fight. It was too weak. The welfare worker said it was going directly to the vet. If it survived they would place it for adoption.

I went inside and cried a bit for the poor thing. I noted that it was likely symbolic and a message I needed to pay attention to. Cat = Divine Feminine, feminine sexuality. This cat was injured and refused help (stubborn). It only accepted help when it was near death and completely exhausted. 

On to the dreams….

Uncle Visit

I don’t remember much about the beginning of this dream now, unfortunately. I remember my uncle was there and I was in awe of his transformation from the man I once knew to the man he was in the dream. Though he was old, I admired him and could feel a strong connection between us that caused me to not care that he was so much older or that he was my uncle. It was as if we were the same age to me.

In one scene I was walking through a dark room towards a closed, half door. As I walked what looked like a large turkey ran across my path. It hid and I continued walking. I came upon a woman who was there and said to her, “Be careful, I saw a turkey. I think he hid under there.” I pointed to an old table on its side. The woman laughed and ran up to the table and reached underneath. She pulled out a red hen and cuddled it. It was friendly and she held it close.

I went inside a room where I saw my uncle. He told me about losing his beloved dog and how he had to put her down when she was 12 years old, saying she “lived until the day she died”. There was a visual of the dog, a small Chihuahua that was active and energetic. I saw the dog stop in her tracks and fall over when she died. 

I walked away for a bit, pondering the visual of the dog. I wanted to tell my uncle something. When I returned, he wasn’t a he, though, but a tall, older woman with long graying hair. Still, I knew his energy and that it was him using a different body/image. I said, “I meant to tell you something regarding the loss of your dog. You said she lived until the day she died. Well, I wanted to say, we all do [live until the day we die]”. In the dream, saying this felt poignant for some reason.

The most vivid part is the end. I looked up at my uncle as the woman. She was much taller than I and very beautiful despite being old and gray. I asked, “Why weren’t you like this when I was younger?” I began to sob to the point that I could hear my sobs in the dream. I woke up still crying.

Buried Horses

I returned to the dream with the female version of my uncle. Still a woman, she was telling me about how upset she was about 16 years she wasted on an old house. She said, “It’s been since 1930!” I said to her, “That must have been very difficult.” I listened with compassion and held one of her hands. What she was saying seemed important. The house was a total loss and she was upset for trying so hard and wasting so much time.

She told me about also her horses. She had to put them down. She showed me a visual of taking their bodies and burying them on a hill. She was grieving for them still and wanted to return to their burial site. I went with her. We walked up this tall hill and I could see the top of what appeared to be a brown horse’s head poking out of the dirt. I knelt down to look closer at the horse. It’s eyes were long gone and empty sockets stared back at me. I was then shown what was under the dirt. I saw the legs of the horses extending down into the darkness. 

I don’t remember why or when this dream made me cry but it did and I woke briefly only to return to the in-between. There I saw a visual of my uncle as both the male and female versions. I saw over his head the number 52 while also hearing it spoken. I sensed a heavy dread indicating that difficult times were ahead. This woke me completely and I said, “I don’t want to be that age.” I heard him ask why and I replied, “It’s too old.” I felt suddenly very old and tried to return to sleep, but couldn’t. 

Messages

I realized quickly some of the messages from the dreams. 

The turkey turned chicken is symbolic of fear. I am fearful of the turkey, avoiding it and warning another of its presence. Then the turkey is actually a very nice, pet chicken. So, this could be symbolic of confronting my fears; recognizing that what appears scary isn’t really scary.

What I said about living until the day we die was very much reminiscent of the other dreams I’ve had recently about running out of time in this life. It felt like I was noticing that I can either live fully until the end, or not.

My comment to my uncle that made me cry is about me wishing that I had the wisdom of old age in my youth. It felt very much like my other dreams that indicated that there was not much left of this life. 

In the following dream, the 16 years stands out to me because this year marks year 16 of my marriage. A house is symbolic of one’s Self. In this case, the Self has spent 16yrs focusing on a life lesson/path. The woman, very likely an older, wiser version of myself, is regretting spending so much time on this one lesson. She feels she wasted too much time on it and regrets that her efforts to “save” it were unsuccessful.  

Finally, burying the horses seems to have two messages. 

First, symbolically, dead horses mean a stage of life is coming to an end. Usually, it indicates the end of a relationship and the grieving process. It suggests a warning of difficult times ahead. It is a message that it is time to let go of a person or thing(s) that is no longer significant to you at this point of  your journey. It is time to start working towards something new, leaving the past behind and forging a new path. A dead, brown horse (like this one was) is symbolic of paying too much attention to others and neglecting yourself. Source: https://www.fromtheangels.com/spirituality/dead-horse-spiritual-meaning-and-symbolism/

The fact that I went back with the older version of myself to visit the horses indicates that I am willing to confront the situation(s). I am recognizing the upcoming difficulties despite them making me uncomfortable and sad. 

The buried horses remind me of a song I use to listen to frequently. Specifically, a verse – “I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground”. The song is about leaving the past behind and ending repetitive, negative cycles. 

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March 20 – Dream With My Sister

Still no lucidity but I was advised via the Lucid Dreaming forum to ask my dreams to show me certain things. Two nights ago I asked to be shown what to do regarding my sister. Specifically, I asked, “Show me what to do about my sister.” I got no immediate answer in my dreams; however, last night I had the idea to begin nightly prayer. So, while doing my small yoga practice, I prayed for her, our mom and the entire dramatic family situation. I also prayed for all in distress. I felt better for it. 

Last night (March 20-21st) I got an entire dream about my sister!

Dream: We Leave on the 18th

This may have actually been two dreams because there are two different environments.

The first part was inside a house, probably Mom’s house. My sister was telling me that she had just learned she was a Projector. She was explaining what it meant and I interrupted, asking her to repeat herself because she wasn’t calling it Human Design. She told me, “I’m a Projector”. I told her, “No you’re not. You’re a Generator, as is your husband and son.” I then told her their profile types and explained it further. 

This part of the dream lasted a while but it was mostly me explaining HD. I recall thinking about her design and remembering she is split definition, which can cause a person to feel extremely confused about themselves, their identity and life – they are “split”. My understanding of split definition is that it can lead to codependency tendencies because someone who has split definition finds they feel “whole” when around others. This is most definitely my sister’s issue. 

Then I was in a car. My sister was driving and we were talking as we drove. She first drove through the small town we spent most of our school years in and headed towards a certain store. I only remember it started with the word “Moon” (Divine Feminine). It sold jewelry and my sister was talking about paying the rest of the money she had put down on some jewelry. I asked her if perhaps she could think of something better to spend her money on, especially considering her situation (broke, living off our mom, no job, etc). I think I said, “Don’t you think you should pay back Mom for her help?” I don’t remember her reply but she turned the car around and never went to the store.

We got onto a highway and passed by a small, industrial complex. My sister pointed out a building amidst the warehouses (ideas put on hold, stored resources). It was a church (seeking spiritual guidance, purpose). She said, “That’s where we go.” I turned around and looked, noticed it was a church and said, “Really?” It seemed strange to me and I said, “That’s a weird place for a church.” 

We drove through more hilly terrain and my sister was happily talking about others things and acting as if everything were fine. She was clearly avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. She tends to do this in waking reality, too. She pretends like things are how they use to be, before she went to jail and started making poor life decisions.

Eventually, I interrupted and asked her about her current situation. She began to blame others, even me, for her predicament. Specially, she confronted me on not helping her out when she “needed me the most”. I didn’t deny it but reminded her that no one is perfect and I was only doing what felt correct to me. She didn’t argue and seemed to be inviting me to talk more. So, I told her what I felt she should do and what she should avoid doing in the future. I brought up her spending habits, how she spends money like it is burning a hole in her pocket rather than using it for bills and living expenses. It is like she expects other people to spend their money on her basic needs. I suggested she get a job and take the route of working her way back to independence. She didn’t say what I expected, instead she told me, “We leave on the 18th.” This woke me up.

Considerations

The dream felt more like a processing dream to me than an actual dream encounter. The first indication of that is that my sister was calling herself a Projector. My guess is the first half of the dream was my sorting through thoughts I’ve had regarding my sister and my daughter, who are both split definition. I have noticed similar tendencies in them. They both act more confident when around friends/groups. My daughter, however, has already shown that she is much better at making positive life choices and has a strong will. While my sister has always been prone to following the crowd and not having much common sense. Looking at their bodygraphs, my sister is split between her mind and her authority (sacral) while my daughter’s mind is directly linked to her authority (solar plexus).

The second half of the dream is mostly me telling my sister what I want to tell her in waking life. Very few times has she verbally or energetically sent me an invitation and sought my advice. When she has, she has opted to ignore my advice completely. 

I have no idea what the “we leave on the 18th” is about. I will take note of it for now. It may or may not be significant.

I will continue to pray for my sister nightly. Maybe it will help. It definitely can’t hurt.

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Message: We All Die

Week 4 of the lucid dream course and still no lucid dreams. I’ve pretty much accepted that I won’t become lucid. I sleep too deeply and if I become even slightly lucid I tend to wake up immediately. 

Dreams

Bloody Pad

I’m in a house. There are light, bright colors inside. There is a couple in a bedroom. The bed linens are white and the colors of the room are pastel yellow and blue. The couple invites me to have a threesome with them. I am distracted by my current state. Embarrassed, I tell them I can’t because I am on my period. I go into a bathroom to clean up. I’m wearing a pad and it is all bloody, the blood on my inner thighs (releasing negative emotions) is crusty. I clean vigorously.

Visit from Grandaddy

I am being shown house plans. Someone is asking me about the slope of the roof and pointing out an area that might need correction. My focus is on the roof slope and I see what is being pointed out but am unconcerned. It is in the attic (ignored emotions). I say, “Don’t go in the attic. It’s a mess.” 

Then I am inside an old house (past self). It is small and constructed of wood, distressed and faded from the years. I am sitting with my grandfather who is showing me a story I wrote for him when I was 10 years old. There are pictures and it is stapled to look like a book. In the dream I am trying to remember the book and only have  a vague recollection. He says it is from 1987. I can’t recall what he looked like now but in the dream he was younger than I knew him in life. It felt good to see him and be with him. He hands me the book to keep and I don’t want it. He asks me why and I say, “Because it means you will die.” He says to me, “We all do [die]”. I begin to cry.

Then I am out of the old house looking at it from the outside. I see the house is two parts, like divided into two separate houses (old/new). I go back to the side where I had just seen my grandfather. I open the door and look inside, calling his name. He isn’t there. Inside is very bright, as if the lights are all on, and the color is a soft white with a yellowish hue. Realizing he is gone I yell into the house, “Thank you, Grandaddy!” I don’t go inside the house because the door knob isn’t working properly. I want to go inside and look for him but don’t, thinking, “I might get locked inside.” I begin to cry.

I wake up, blink, and have a load of tears come out of my eyes. It takes me a while to return to sleep.

The last thing I remember is being in the newer side of the house. I am standing in the kitchen with a mop preparing to clean the floor. I explain the importance of cleaning with soap and then rinsing with water. I begin mopping (releasing the old, releasing the past) the floor.

Courage

I am in a car stuck in traffic (feeling stuck). Behind me there is commotion and a loud noise. I look and see a sports car coming at me too fast. I brace myself for impact but he slams on his breaks and his car spins to face the opposite direction. A larger car is coming at him fast. The sports car hits the other car and gets partially stuck underneath it. My car is slightly bumped (impacted by others, feeling out of control) but otherwise not damaged.

I get out of my car to check on the occupants of the two cars. The man in the sports car is fine, only concerned about his car. The man in the other car is dazed. I asked them both if they are okay and they both say they are. I even ask if I should call 911 but they say no. 

Then the highway turns into a large, school cafeteria (spiritual sustenance). It is crowded with people sitting at the tables. I am taken to the farthest back table where I sit down. It feels like a conference of some kind. Everyone is waiting to be served the meal. The server brings trays of food to my table last. A woman next to me pokes the rolls, which are cold and hard (ideas that no longer work). I do the same, putting butter on them to try and make them softer (giving life to old ideas). She says something to the man who brought her the food but he just shrugged. I say, “This is why I don’t sit at the back table.”

The same woman is watching a woman up at the front. She is saying critical things about her. I end up walking up the side of the room towards the front to observe the woman. She is complaining about something. I talk above the group, loud enough for everyone to hear. It is like I am giving a speech. The words that come out are well said but I can’t recall them now. I do remember I say something about coming from the heart and it taking courage. When I say the word, “courage”, I burst into tears.

I wake up and blink out tears but am not crying. 

Considerations

I haven’t seen my grandfather in my dreams in a long time.  We had a strong connection in life and he use to visit me often in dreamtime. So, it was nice to see him. I find it interesting that he gives me a book I made for him. There is a faint memory of being shown such a book by my grandmother after he died. I do remember a spiral notebook I was shown from when I was in 5th grade that was full of such stories and drawings. I think my mom gave it to me.

The reminder that we all die is similar to my recent dream about checking out. For some reason this message is repeating. 

The last dream seems to be me sending a message to myself about courage, following my heart and using my voice. When I woke from this dream I thought about a realization and subsequent decision I made to “keep my mouth shut”. I have taken note of how people react to me when I speak. Most of the time they have a negative reaction. Sometimes they act annoyed, other times their face looks pained, but often they just ignore me. I speak without an invitation, therefore, the reaction is understandable. So, my decision was/is to keep silent until asked to contribute. 

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Dream: Checking-Out

I’ve entered week three of the lucid dreaming course. So far, I’ve not had success in becoming lucid but my dream recall has skyrocketed. Last night was a marathon of dreams.

Prior to bed I asked for healing. I didn’t specify what kind and left it to my guidance. Two nights ago, I asked to be given the answer to a question, “What is the point of life?” or something similar (can’t recall my exact wording).

Dreams

Cat Supplies

This entire dream was me shopping for supplies for a new cat or kitten. Since the cat wasn’t present, I don’t know the age of the animal. 

I went along the isles looking for a litter box and cat food specifically. The litter box was high up on the shelves and the only one left. I had a worker grab it for me. When he brought it down it was one of those enclosed litter boxes.

When I woke I was thinking about how I would never own a cat and how smelly the litter boxes can be. It occurred to me that perhaps this is symbolic of a return of the feminine in my life/dreams? That is always what cats symbolize for me – the Divine Feminine and Kundalini energy.

Healing

This dream is foggy now but I jotted down some notes and recall the healing portion well.

I remember traveling down a highway (life trajectory) with no cars trying to avoid being caught by someone. My SIL was there so maybe I was avoiding her? 

Then I was laying on a white table as if in a medical setting. Someone was inserting an object into my vagina. I felt a pleasurable, root chakra sensation, but it was very muted in the dream. So much so that I barely recognized what was happening. I was talking to someone and my focus was on the conversation but I cannot recall the words now or even a summary of the discussion.

The healing taking place shifted and I was watching my husband receiving healing of his own. No other person was present that I could see. I felt what he felt and it was pretty much nothing at all. There was only one very brief feeling of pleasure, like a lightening bolt, but it vanished. I recall thinking it peculiar and woke up.

New House

I was purchasing a new house in a city I once lived in. I selected it over a much more expensive one in another area. My sister was with me and we were on a boat (navigating emotion), like one of those covered tourist boats. It was anchored by the pier. I told my sister I was buying the house. Excited, I told her I only had to pay $8K for it and that I planned to get a job teaching in the area. I had a whole plan lined up. She was not happy for me. In fact, she was acting as if she were jealous of me.

Road

This dream was of me traveling very fast along a small, gravel road (life trajectory) in the country. I was flying along and at one point turned around and went back. The road was not the same, though. Instead of being clear, it was overgrown. In some places the grass was so high it was nearly impossible to traverse. I recall having to dodge large patches of overgrowth and other “vehicles”.

When I woke up, the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was going through my head. Specifically, “Turn around” was repeating. 

Visit with Friend

In this dream I arrived at my friend Angela’s house. She and her husband were sitting with me and I was happily telling them about some of my dreams (the ones above). The feeling from them was off, though, and I knew they were thinking, “This isn’t the time for this”, meaning it was not the time for me to talk about myself. They wanted me to be there for them but I was talking about me.

I got up and paced for a bit. I felt a ton of sadness coming up. I felt unwanted. As I looked around the space, I spotted something in the corner of the room. I walked over and saw it was a couple of gallons of cold milk, condensation rolling down the sides of the containers. I picked one up. It was really cold. I poured myself a cold glass of milk (nourishment, maternal instinct, family) as I told my friend, “Sometimes I feel like you want me to get the fuck out.” I burst into tears and woke up.

Checking Out

This dream was similar to another I had not long ago. I was almost lucid it was very vivid.

I stood in line at a grocery store register. As I put my items on the conveyor belt I was having a conversation with someone in my mind while also interacting with the cashier and the others in line with me. 

There was a young, dark haired girl there and I said, “Oh, you’re just a baby!” She was probably in her 20s. When I said this I thought it an odd thing to say and then realized I was “old” and my perspective had changed because of my age. 

When it was time to pay, I didn’t pay with money. Instead, I gave the cashier colored, rectangular pieces of something thick, like plastic. On the ends of each piece were pieces of Velcro of the same color as the piece. I scanned them and with the scan there were words describing aspects of my life, like life themes, along with monetary amounts. I can’t recall them now but altogether they amounted to the total for my groceries. 

While going through the motions of the dream I was thinking about life, imagining life without actual physical aging. I saw a woman (me maybe?) growing up, caught up in life, raising kids and always rushing about. Then I saw the life slowed down and it seemed time was growing short. The contrast between youth and old age was obvious, especially in terms of time. In youth there is tons of time, while in old age time seems fleeting. All along I was considering my own life and how fast it flew by.

Then I was in the bathroom relieving myself when someone banged on the door. They banged so hard the door was moving. I got up and opened the door. Standing there was the young, darked haired girl from before. I asked, “Are you in a hurry to get in here?” She nodded. I stood in the door blocking access. Teasing her, I asked why and she just looked at me like I was stupid. I told her she almost broke the door. Still amused, I stepped aside and let her in. All the while I was thinking about how young she was. The idea “Youth is wasted on the young” comes to me now as I type this. 

I asked my guide why it has to be the way it is, wondering why we have to grow old. Why can’t we just continue in young bodies? He replied to me (and it hit hard), “Everyone has to do it [die]”. I got upset at his words, the images still in my mind of staying forever young. Not necessarily living forever, but living a long life full of youth and vibrancy, without old age creeping in. I said to him, “I don’t want to die” and began to cry, slow, regretful tears. The feeling I had with my words were, “I’m not done yet. I have so much left to do.”

When I woke I lingered in bed for a while. I remember hearing myself say to my guide, “It’s not about me”. With this came full understanding that my requests had been answered.

I asked, “How long?” And heard back, “Soon”. This ultimately woke me and I wondered what I was asking about. My first thought was I was asking how long I had left to live. 

At another point I heard, “You need to move past it.” Instantly I knew “it” was the heart connection experience I had. Initially I thought my guide was wrong but pushed that aside when I felt the sadness that still remained.

Later I realized that part of the reason my dream experiences have been infrequent is because I am avoiding the healing and Knowing that comes with them. When I do have vivid dreams, they are wrought with tears and difficult messages, that’s for sure. 

Thoughts

I lingered in bed for some time thinking of the last dream, especially the part, “It’s not about me”. I could see how I’ve lived my life up until now only for myself – most of us do. Trapped in my own little Universe, I’ve missed out on so much going on around me. It is clear that I need to go about my life from now on reminding myself that “it’s not about me”. Life will show me what it is I am here to do if I just do that. But can I? How do I break a life-long habit? I don’t have much hope. My dream indicates that I am already in the process of “checking-out”. 

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Dream: Healing the Wounded Feminine

What a relief! The heavy, tense, depressed energy has cleared and I am feeling so much more positive! 🙂

Dreams

Had some major healing dreams last night. I tried staying awake when I woke around 2am so that I would have a lucid dream or OBE. Instead, I woke a couple of hours later in tears from an intense, eye-opening dream. 

I think there were two dreams very close together that were on the same topic.

In the first one, I was being asked questions about considering a relationship with someone. It played out as both a dream and discussion with interludes in between where I was left to ponder the information.

The visuals were of us meeting in a plain white room to have sex and I would leave despite him wanting me to stay, talk, connect, etc. I wasn’t interested in anything deeper. It was a kind of “friends with benefits” situation but in real life I wouldn’t even call us friends, more like acquaintances. I was asked why I chose to do this and I explained that I didn’t see a point – I have everything I need and want in life. I listed out my children, my home, my job and even my current relationship. It was clear I saw the prospect of having a more meaningful, deeper connection with this guy as a distraction and waste of time.

There wasn’t a distinct shift into the next dream. I entered a room where I watched as a FB acquaintance of mine had agreed to connect with a man. “Connect” here would be defined as coming into Union; a Kundalini connection ie. merging of the masculine and feminine in physical reality. I recognized her straight away. She is stunningly beautiful IMO. She was laying down and the man was kneeling over her. They were facing each other and she had completely let go, opening herself up to him in all ways. In her vulnerability the man had full control and I could feel the energy between them. It was intense but muted in the dream. He asked her to guide him so that he could give her what she wanted and needed. When she told him what she needed he paused and sat back on his heels. Looking at her with a smirk on his face, he said something insulting and degrading but I can’t remember his exact words now. She immediately shut down and curled up into a fetal position. The man laughed. 

I felt horrible for her as I could feel what she was feeling. It was a feeling I knew all too well. I approached her and knelt down beside her. I asked her what she needed. I was shown her wounds. It was quite shocking. I saw a visual of the man cutting away her entire left side. He left it on the ground next to her. It looked like a giant piece of jerky, a cut from her armpit to her hip bone. It was clear the man had stolen a part of her and it had a physical impact as well as an emotional and spiritual one.

Then I was laying down next to her dressed in a white shift. A woman asked me what I needed. It was like I was the other woman as well as myself. I could feel everything she felt plus my own stuff. I told her how I felt but the memory of it is not in words but in actual feelings. The feeling is immense grief, sadness and depression, more than any person should have to carry. I wanted only to sleep, to somehow escape the heaviness of it all. 

It was at this time I reached out my hand and found the hand of the other woman who was laying injured beside me. I could see her delicate hands almost lifeless next to me. I gently opened her fingers and held her hand. She gripped my hand and I took my other hand and placed it on top. The message I sent her was, “You’re not alone. We’re in this together.” When I did this I began to sob. It was as if I could feel all the pain and grief of every woman who has ever existed. 

Realization

I woke up with tears still streaming down my face and processed all the information that was still coming through from the dream. 

Prior to sleep I had watched a show about the Yanomami Indians of Brazil. I had studied this group when in college and so was interested in how things had changed since then. In the end, it reminded me of how important balance is, not only to the planet but to humanity. I had gone to sleep thinking of this balance, especially between masculine and feminine.

I had also decided that if I woke in the night and had slept for at least five hours that I would try to stay awake long enough to sort of “reset” my sleep clock so that I could more easily lucid dream or go OOB. So, around 2am, this is what I did. I had a sense that something was going to happen anyway, but I didn’t know what.

Why this sense? For two nights prior I had dreams of driving trucks. In one it was a semi-truck and in another just a regular truck. Both were white. I rarely dream of trucks and it is even rarer that I’m driving. Trucks in general represent hard work. In both dreams the context indicated healing work. There was also focus on the second chakra, which I have long had issues with (most women do).

So when I awoke there was complete understanding about the healing taking place and why. 

The first dream indicates that I am avoiding deeper connections, specifically with men. I give many reasons for this, but the real reason is revealed in dream two. It became crystal clear to me that I push away deeper connections with men because of a massive wound, a wound that all women have. It is the result of men misusing their power over women, using it to control, manipulate, abuse and enslave. 

Though I don’t mention it in the second dream, I could feel the very natural, vulnerability of being a woman along with the many gifts of the feminine. That vulnerable feeling is our natural state. We are made to be healers, to nurture and protect our children, to nourish our family, to flow in love and support of others. We willingly open ourselves up to the masculine as our protectors and initiators of change. To feel this way is a relief but with it comes something unnatural – fear. I now understand that fear more fully. 

In the Yanomami documentary, the women of the tribe get to a point where they have to come together in order to provide what the men cannot. The men can’t find enough game to hunt because of changes in the ecosystem brought about by heavy mining by the white man. Their water has been tainted with mercury and the forest cut down. Many of the men go with the miners back to the city and don’t come back. So the woman have had to take on the additional role of provider. They weave baskets to trade for food.

The wound I carry and all women carry was very obvious in the early morning hours. I asked my guidance, “How do I heal it?” The answer I received was, “A man”, and saw that the only way to heal, for me at least, was to find a man who can fully step into his role. The hardest part for me would be to open up fully to him, to be vulnerable and allow him the power I fear he will abuse. 

The only way to overcome fear is to face it. 

I could also see how many women have chosen other women to fulfill the masculine role. The acquaintance in dream two is one of those women. I know instinctively this is not a path for me. However, it is often other women who are best at helping one another find their hidden feminine gifts. Society has taught women to be more masculine than they are naturally inclined to be. We have to rediscover our feminine nature. For me, it has been through K connection (merging) that I’ve finally glimpsed my full, feminine potential. 

Finally, it was crystal clear that any healing I do on myself is also done on all women. Like I said in the dream, “We’re in this together.” 

I know it is possible for me to do what is needed, to be fully open and vulnerable. I have done it before. In the past I was not given what I needed, similar to the dream, so I retreated and my walls went back up. I doubt I will ever trust this particular individual again and it saddens me. I wish I wasn’t so cautious. I wish my natural defense mechanisms wouldn’t kick in automatically, but they do. My Ego/logical mind says, “Protect yourself. Take care of yourself.” 

This song was on my mind when I woke. When I researched the lyrics this section indicated to me:

So, I made you think that I would always stay
I said some things that I should never say
Yeah, I broke your heart like someone did to mine
And now you won’t love me for a second time

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Dream Message: The Walls will Crumble

It has been a while but I finally had some vivid, memorable and informative dreams.

Dream: Laughing Over the Hill

The dream is fuzzy but I remember walking along a long, paved road in the country towards a town in the distance. The road (life path) had no lines on it and it was very straight with only a slight rise in slope as it progressed towards the town. I couldn’t see the town, though, all I saw was a glimmer of sunlight in the distance like a sunrise or sunset.

I walked off the road at some point and walked along a path that had handrails along it. I began to run and ran through some trees to where there was an very steep drop to a vast green field. I ran into the field, arms wide, feeling freedom and relief. The grass was a pale green and tall, up to my knees. It was a soft, pastel green, that soothed my soul (healing).

I was about halfway into the field when I stopped, looked up at the complex and lost my breath. It was so massive that it intimidated me. It looked alien and somewhat military, but I didn’t know what it was. The combination of the massive structure and vast, endless sky overwhelmed me. There was a fleeting thought that someone would soon become aware of my presence and I didn’t want to find out what they might do about it. Feeling quite exposed, I turned back towards the tree line. When I got there, I lay down in the green grass, arms and legs splayed, waiting for the sun to rise. 

With the trees just behind me, I waited there, and saw a glimmer of orange in the sky indicating the sun was soon to rise. A song was in my head and I sang aloud, feeling happy and relaxed. The sun rose in front of my eyes and the murky twilight was chased away by its rays. 

A man’s voice broke the silence and I sat up, still humming the song. I don’t remember seeing him, just hearing him. He was asking me a question, but I can’t remember it now. I got up, sensing he was a groundskeeper or caretaker of the property, and walked up to the tree line.

From there the dream shifts and I am talking with a woman about the complex. I don’t know if it is the massive one I saw or another one. It felt like a museum but also a place of learning. I walked along the railed paths and saw children. Was it a school? I remember discussing this. I recall thinking of my children and smiling to myself. It is such a great joy to watch them learn and grow.

The topic of the song I had been singing came up. It is hard to recall now but I remember singing it and it had “fa la la”. When I woke up this morning I had an old song on my mind from my childhood.

“Laughing singing, laughing singing, come the children over the hill. Fa la, la la la, la la la la, Ha, Ha, Ha, laughing over the hill.”

Dream: College Discussion

I was with a young man inside a space like a room. We were discussing completing degrees and he was doing his online. I remember happily asking him questions and he informed me that he was taking his classes from a school in Indiana while he was residing in another state. He was where I was so in the dream I assumed he resided in the same state as me. I told him that, unlike him, I went to the state where my college was located and completed my degree there. This was the entire dream and it seemed like I was communicating that there are two ways to learn – from a distance or in-person. I had selected in-person. This disccussion was a reminder that I chose to come to Earth to do “hands-on” learning.

Dream Message: Crumble Down

This dream was nearly lucid. 

First, there was a dream prior to the most lucid part. In it I was inside a house looking out massive floor-to-ceiling windows. It was clear that I was high up. I had a phone in my hand and was trying to take pictures and video (seeking to recall info) but when I turned on the camera and pointed the phone at what I wanted to record the screen showed something very different from what I was looking at. Instead I saw the inside of a house, but not the house or apartment I was in. I turned to check and sure enough it was not accurate to where I was located.

I fiddled with the phone and opted to just look through the camera into this other place. I saw the back of someone’s head. The hair was blonde and cut short and they felt to be a young man, maybe a teenager. I looked around via the camera and saw a modern kitchen with straight lines and white cabinets and counter tops. I walked up to where the counter was and moved something to use as a test, a package of food like bread I think. I tried to take a photo and couldn’t, even when I flipped the camera around. 

Then the young man I had seen in the screen was next to me and we began to interact. We walked along a covered path that ran along vast fields of various crops. There was wheat and another, fat leafed crop I didn’t recognized. I remember planting seeds (creation) in the areas where the crops had not flourished and coming back around to check on them after some time had passed. They hadn’t grown as much as I had liked and I touched the soil. One section was moist but not the other. The areas also didn’t get as much sun as they should. I concluded the seeds were not getting enough of what they needed to grow (lack of energy, growth).

Then we were back inside. The blonde man was with me but so were some younger children. The topic of accidentally seeing a sibling naked (vulnerable, open) came up. With the discussion came visuals and memories of me trying to hide my nakedness. I remember saying that at some point I just stopped caring if anyone saw me naked. There was a feeling with saying this, like relief and utter lack of concern, that seemed to opened me up to the shift that came next.

I was laying prone (face down) on a table, completely naked. I could feel a pleasant massaging of my back. It was slow and sensual and every touch relaxed me more. It was warm but the touch was not like normal touch. Instead it was energetic, as if each touch was opening up a new part of my energy body, allowing the energy to flow fully into places that once had restricted flow. I could feel the energy, but only slightly, as if it was muted.

While laying there I got flashes of the person providing me with this massage. I cannot recall his features now but he was not familiar to me. He had large, brown eyes and was quite thin. I want to say his skin was darker than mine, but it is hard to say. 

We were talking and I called him by name: John. What he told me I repeated aloud to myself. When I repeated his words there was a visual. I could see myself as if I was watching from over the top of my prone body. I could see that I was completely naked and I could see walls all around me. The walls were silvery and translucent and were not very high, only about a foot higher than my body. With the words I spoke I saw all the walls crumble down, outlining my body in a silvery dust. The words are lost to me, unfortunately, but there were three sentences. The feeling upon waking was that something would happen that would make it impossible for me to keep those walls in place. When they fell, they would all crumble at the same time. 

When I saw/said this, I shifted my awareness back to the me laying on the table. I had a strong urge to turn around and look at the man helping me. The urge made me want to give back to him what he was giving me. The sense of the energy was familiar and magnetic but also very gentle and loving. My entire body felt alive with this energy. Had I felt it fully it most definitely would’ve woken me. 

As it was, the energy was strong enough that my lucidity peaked and I lingered in the in-between for a bit. The man’s voice was with me in the in-between and I called him John again. He explained that all it would take was one “touch” and my walls would fall. With his words there was a sense that I have had before. When it happens I energetically open up, completely vulnerable and all defenses vanish. I’ve experienced this before. It is the most beautiful thing. There are no words to describe it.

Considerations

The above dreams together seem to indicate several things. One, I desire freedom but something is holding me back; I am afraid. Two, my path of learning is a hands-on, in-person one. Three, I am being asked to change my focus (the camera dream). Four, I am being warned that at some point in the future I will encounter someone or something that will break through my defenses. 

When I woke I lingered in bed feeling really groggy. I had a visual of myself once again. In it, I was laying in a fetal position and thought to myself, “I’m in a cocoon.” The walls from the dream are my protection. My Knowing tells me I’ve been in this state for some time and that it is purposeful. There is nothing wrong with it. I will emerge at exactly the right time.