Category Archives: Healing

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Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

Slept really well and had a K dream!

The first part of the dream involved me helping an old dog. He was brown and very, very large, almost like a mastiff. I took him to a house where someone I knew said I could leave him. I had to leave him in a small room for the majority of the day because the owner of the home had people in and out and she did not want him in the main living spaces, especially a bedroom that she was renting to a woman. 

I mostly recall loving the dog very much and being very concerned for him. He was super old and barely could get around. At one point he had escaped outside and I was very upset. Thankfully, he had stopped to investigate a women walking her two poodles. The poodles didn’t like him and started aggressively trying to bite him. The old dog just turned around towards me and I took him back inside.

Somehow the old dog turned into an old man who I was helping. The house shifted to become a tiny house community for old people. The facilitator of the community gave me a piece of paper with the rules and the cost of the space. I remember wondering why I was being charged anything since it had been free for the first month. They also did the laundry at no cost. When I questioned her she said, “Everyone must do their part.” I explained that I had been by doing 3+ hours of work where the community needed it. I then asked about the old man. Would he have a place to stay? Would they find him work? Both answers were yes. He would have his own tiny home and a job right there in the community working as a mechanic. 

I remember holding the community plan in my hand. It was well written and impressive. I held onto it, thinking it could be a blueprint to use for other similar tiny house communities. I thought of how much good it would do for people like the old man I had been helping, if only there were more communities like it.

Kundalini Dream: Heart Bliss Overwhelm

The dream shifted at this point and I found myself talking to a coworker about a dream I had. As I was describing the dream, I hid the fact that he was in the dream. The dream visual I recall just showed us across from one another and included heart bliss. The coworker interrupted me and said, “Are you sure I wasn’t in that dream?” I confessed that he was. He said, “I had that dream, too.” 

Shocked, there was a pause and the energy between us felt super charged. I lost my breath for a moment as he moved closer. His eyes were intense and staring into mine. I couldn’t look away. The energy began to swirl in all my chakras with the most intensity in the heart and second chakra. I couldn’t believe this was my coworker nor could I believe I was having a K dream (it caused me to become lucid).

We stared into each other’s eyes for what seemed like forever. For some reason he turned and went out of the room. I stood there in shock, the bliss swirling throughout. 

I realized I was in the same house as the previous dream – the one where the old dog and later old man had been with me. I remember very little here except the recollection of the previous dream and the bliss energy that still swirled through me.

I must have gotten lost in the energy because everything around me vanished and I found myself in a black void. In front of me was my coworker. He had laid his head in my lap and was staring up at me. The energy between us only intensified after that and I was almost overwhelmed by the beauty of it. The heart bliss is so exquisite! What is really odd is that as I looked at his face it shifted. His skin turned iridescent and took on a scale-like appearance. The skin shifted color, pulsating. It was beautiful! I remember recognizing him as nonhuman and this didn’t bother me at all. 

The scene shifted again and I returned to the tiny house community. I recall only that I was directed to look at the scene anew. As I did, my heart was flooded with every emotion imaginable. I began to sob. The intensity of all the emotions, swirling together, was overwhelming. I had felt it before and my recognition was acknowledged by a guide who was close but out of sight. I felt immense love for the dog, the old man, and every homeless or unfortunate soul that ever existed. I also felt love for those not in such dire straights. From the lowest of the low to the richest to the most generous – I loved them all. The purity of the love, the compassion, just kept building and building. I told my guide I couldn’t take anymore because I didn’t know how to handle it. What do I do with all the love? My guide reassured me as I was pulled out of the scene. The intensity of the love reduced to a more tolerable level. I exhaled in relief, tears pouring out of my eyes. 

I woke at this point my heart still wide open and all chakras below it swirling with energy. It took a while but I was able to return to sleep. 

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Message: If you want to lessen the noise of the world, you must first lessen the noise in your mind

I had a dream last night followed by some messages.

In the dream, I was the owner of a business that appeared like two businesses in one – restaurant and medical clinic specifically. I remember the business was closing in three days. I was upset and rushing around trying to get things sorted. On the day of the closing, my SIL visited and noticed my upset. She suggested I do art with her. She showed me a new method she was using that involved using tape. The tape was stuck in horizontal lines on the canvas. She gave me a brush as she painted and invited me to paint alongside her. As I did, I felt like she was counseling me but I can’t remember now what was said. I just remember the colors and how the color I painted changed when it touched the canvas. The result was a rainbow-like painting. As I looked at the colors I began to cry. It woke me. I remember my thoughts from the dream had been about loss and not knowing what I was suppose to do now.

When I returned to sleep, I had a brief dream of carrying two very heavy weights, one in each hand. I was pulled out of my reverie by a voice asking me to “put one down”. 

Awake, I recognized the message was in letting go. In dropping the weight, I could better handle the other weight. 

I lingered in the in-between for a bit and a male guide was speaking with me. What I mostly remember is being told that if I wanted to lessen the noise of the world, I must first lessen the noise in my mind. 

As I woke, a Cranberries song was going over and over in my head, “In your head, in your head….”

My understanding of the dream and later messages was that I can fight the change, the death of my old life specifically, or I can allow it and embrace the new beginning awaiting me. The heavy weights being carried symbolize burdens I carry through life. If I release one, I can more easily carry the other one(s). My guess is that the other weight is my sister and the continued issues she is causing in the family, specifically with our mother. 

And the message about the noise of the world is a reminder that my perception of the world is directly impacted by my thoughts. 

I also woke up thinking that to completely let go of the weight will involve more than just the divorce. It feels like I should step away from my job. The thing is that I really like my job, especially the WFH aspect! I like that it doesn’t involve a lot of people and their emotions. It is just numbers and math. Yet my dream suggested that I am here to be of service to others (restaurant and medical clinic). Funny enough I just told my daughter that I’ve always felt my purpose here is “to help”. She told me I was helping her (so sweet!). She has been being very needy lately, asking to go on walks with me, telling me about her problems/day/life, etc. Her suggestion to me was to go back to teaching or counseling. Sigh.

It was difficult to wake up feeling what I did in the dream – uncertainty, trepidation. To not know what lies ahead, to feel without purpose or a calling, is tough. I told my daughter I feel much like she must be feeling right now as she is about to leave the nest and embark on a new life (adventure?). 

Also, I want to mention that I’ve had some interesting thoughts filter through into my awareness lately. Sometimes they seem like memories, other times they are conversations I am having with my guidance or council, at least that is what I think they are. I have heard myself tell them how difficult this (life) is, how difficult it is to occupy this body, etc. and heard their replies. The conversations are similar to the ones I had years ago when I was experiencing walk-in phenomena. I had pushed all thoughts of that (the walk-in) out of my mind. Yet to stumble upon these conversations in my awareness has me Remembering again and wondering about it all. Have I just been playing out the role of the walk-out all these years? Just writing this makes me feel a bit crazy. But, if I remember correctly, I think I wrote about the (this) exact process in my Walk-in Life blog…..

Update: The final hearing with the judge via zoom will happen on Jan. 3, 2025.

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In the Middle

The Second Request

Yesterday, during a self-healing session, I asked my guidance to assist me with healing core issues. I did not expect it to happen straight away, though.

Early this morning, around 3am, I awoke from a dream in which I was kissing my soon-to-be ex and had a surge of desire hit me. It woke me. Surprised, I went back to sleep. Again, I found myself kissing him with the same results. I woke up and returned to sleep a third time. The final time the dream continued and he told the kids that we were going to share a bed again. Eek!

It took me a while to return to sleep but I did.

I remember a dream where I saw two birds’ nests one on top of the other. The top nest had large, healthy babies opening their mouths for food. They were sitting among unhatched eggs. The lower nest had newly born, weak babies. I worried all the babies would freeze, saying, “Why are they having babies in the winter?” 

Then I was inside a house. It was my former best friend’s house. She and her husband were having a party. In the center of the living room I saw my friend and made a couple of dry humored jokes. She got mad and stomped away. I went to look for her, saying aloud I was joking, and found her crying. She walked past me and I saw a man pouring vodka all over the chairs in her living room. I went after her to tell her but couldn’t find her. Instead I arrived at a wave pool. Many young people were sitting around the top which seemed very high up. Below was a concrete slope empty of water with water even further out. Suddenly, a wave came up and knocked them all off the top and into the water. I could see ice in the water as it pulled them away.

Then, I overheard my SIL telling someone that my husband was going to give her money to pay for something but that she can’t let me know because we are in the midst of a divorce. I walked up to her and said, “It doesn’t matter. I heard everything.” 

The dream takes a turn here and me and my SIL have an in-depth conversation. She asked me, “Do you want help.” I thought of a certain type of counseling I could get and told her I would try it again except for the people. I said, “When you speak to them and it is a good talk they think you are now their friends but I don’t want to be their friend!” I was asked why and received many images all at once from this lifetime of times when I had been hurt by others. I realized very quickly that I purposefully didn’t have friends. I often say, “Friends are too much work” but I think the real reason is, friends are too much hurt. 

I remember her telling me, “I can help you.” I asked, “How?” She said, “Assist” and “Stat crash.” This confused me and caused me to gain lucidity.

Before I could wake fully, I realized it was a female guide, not my SIL, I was talking to.

I remember telling the female guide that I didn’t want to change my coping mechanism to protect myself from being hurt because “it is working.” I avoid close relationships with people beyond my husband and immediate family. My family hurts me enough as it is! So, it is a relief to not get hurt by a friend, but then it is sad to not have someone outside my family to talk to. In the past couple of years I have felt very, very alone because of my lack of friends.

Ah-ha moment: I realized my request for assistance had been granted. I was shown a core wound and how to repair it. Feeling overwhelmed at what I felt I was being asked to do, I said, “I can’t.” 

A male guide said, “It just takes some time….” and a song I have had on my mind for two days took over. I looked up the lyrics and when I read them I started to cry. The parts in bold emphasize where I feel the main message is.

The Middle, by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just try your best, try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, you know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own, so don’t buy in
Live right now, yeah, just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
Just do your best, do everything you can
And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be alright, alright

As I cried I had images bombarding me along with what seemed like instructions on how to change, how to fix the “stat crash” I have been experiencing for the last…..two years maybe more. In that time, I’ve not felt connected spiritually. I’ve felt “punished” but I didn’t know what for. I had chosen to do nothing rather than do what I knew needed to be done. Now that I am taking action things are quickly shifting. My guides are back (they were never gone but had stepped back). The syncs are returning. My dream recall is more vivid and my dreams are more lucid. 

Messages have returned. For me, this has been what I’ve missed the most. 

Examples:

The Mug

I was shopping for mugs. I found one that said, “You’re doing great”. When I read it, I started to cry. I put it back and began to walk off but then turned around thinking, “No. I need to remember that.” I bought the mug. 

Fast forward a week or so. I am in the same store. I have been upset over some things in life and feeling quite down. My daughter is with me. She knows about the mug. A woman about my age walks towards the entrance towards us. Her sweatshirt is too small for her. It has written on it, “Don’t worry. You’re doing great.” I laughed aloud and pointed it out to my daughter. I tell her it is no coincidence. The message is clear.

The First Request

I’m at home feeling angry. My mind is full of scenarios of vengeance. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling angry. I go to the pantry to get something to eat and the thoughts are swirling. I get frustrated. I say aloud to my guidance, “I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’m tired of being angry.” 

Later that day, my daughter is anxious and so am I. I tell her we need to get out of the house. I suggest a movie. She wants to see Wicked. So we see it. I have no idea what the movie is or that it is a musical. Halfway through the movie I begin to identify with the “witch”. There is a scene where she is finally seen by the group. It makes me cry. I can’t turn it off but manage to by the end. Then there is another part, a song, that causes me to cry, too – Defying Gravity. The movie ends. I go to the bathroom and cry in a stall.

On the drive home I start to talk to my daughter, trying to say something really simple about why I identified with the witch. I start crying and then sobbing uncontrollably. I have to park the car. I cry in front of her. I feel bad but she is so very good at giving me space. 

We get home and I get a phone call from my husband. I start to tell him about the day and begin to sob all over again. My eyes are swollen I’ve cried so much by this time. I just can’t keep it in. A quiet message I hear from within says, “It’s okay. Maybe you should do this more often?”

The second request is at the beginning of this post. 

I have a feeling the floodgates haven’t even opened all the way yet (picture the wave hitting from the dream). 

Oh, and I might have forgotten to mention I’m getting a divorce. It was suppose to be final on the 6th but judgement was postponed. We have yet to get a date for the hearing. Hoping it is before the end of the year.

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OBE: Knives to Cotton

I had a short lucid/OBE yesterday morning. I’m not super surprised because 1. I recently asked to have one (two nights ago I think) and 2. yesterday I had moments were I was thinking how dream-like things were.  For example, I was downstairs doing yoga and self-healing when my daughter came down. She started talking to me about school and other things. Sometimes when she tells me stuff and I give my view she gets upset. That happened but after I just stayed silent and a thought came to me that it was like a dream and to just allow things to unfold. I even remember thinking how she was just a character in my dream and to respond like I would had I been dreaming. 

Okay, so on to the lucid dream/OBE.

I was dreaming of being inside a small, unfamiliar house. There was a man with me in the kitchen. The kitchen had a golden hue to it, especially the cabinets. The man pulled out a large, kitchen knife. I noticed the drawer was full of them – like an unusual amount. I didn’t feel intimidated, just unimpressed. I walked into a living area and sat at a desk that was to the left of the front door facing a window. IDK know why but I just sat their blankly staring and in the dream a calm came over me like a soft blanket. I felt really relaxed and thought, “I better watch it or I’m gonna fall asleep.” This is what caused me to realize I already was asleep I think, though I don’t remember a specific thought to that end. 

Knowing I was dreaming, I stood up and just lingered a bit, noticing the energy of my astral form and not really knowing what to do. I find this happens often now when I am OOB. Sometimes I just feel bored but mostly I don’t know what to do with no specific purpose motivating me forward. I could feel the energy fading and knew if I didn’t decide to do something I would just wake up, so I moved towards the front of the house with the intention to go outside. As I floated towards the door (the front was no longer where I had been sitting but all the way on the other side of the house), I knew there was a small desk there and was reminded of the drawer of knives. I opened the drawer anticipating feeling a knife and felt cotton balls and pulled out a whole handful of them. lol I wasn’t amused in the dream, just slightly curious, and continued through the door, opening it and floating outside. 

I used my 360 degree vision to see the porch behind me. It was well lit and I could see nick knacks and such all arranged nicely along the front of the house. It was a quaint little house with This Old House vibes. I continued towards the street and that is where I lingered briefly, looking around. I could see trees and other houses lining a residential street. It was dark but not too dark, like super early morning with bit of a haze of light on the horizon.  All the houses had a similar look to the one I came out of. I turned to my right and was about to take flight when I considered briefly that if I tried to fly I would likely go up way too fast, lose vision and then lose connection to the astral realm and end up in my body. I didn’t want that so I opted to turn around facing left and float/jump walked down the street. With no specific destination in mind, I just enjoyed the feeling of being OOB, floating/flying along the road. 

A bit down the road I suddenly felt an energy take hold of me and before I knew it, I was being swiftly pulled towards a cul-de-sac. My vision began to go out from the surprise of it but I wasn’t afraid. I just let the force pull me. I ended up going around the cul-de-sac towards a house on the right. The energy continued, pulling me into what felt like a bunch of vines which I then felt to be tangled in. Not really knowing what to do next, I asked for my vision to turn on, but it was too late. I started shifting back to my sleeping body.

When I woke, my heart was beating a bit faster than normal and my arm had gone numb because it was over my head. I lingered in bed a moment, thanking my guidance for the opportunity to go OOB. I still had a lingering energy that told me I could return if I wanted but it was time for me to make sure my youngest was awake for school.  Just to have that energy there was enough to make me smile. It felt so good!

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Heart Purge Dream and Message: Citen

Major heart purge in dreamtime last night/this morning.

First short dream – Taken to crystal clear ocean and swam in the waist deep water. The water was warm and I remember saying, “I could stay here forever.” This dream indicates healing.

Heart purge dream – Me and a small group of people were taken to the house of an Asian man who we all thought of as a teacher or medicine man. He made a mixture that was full of ingredients that looked pretty gross. The final product was gray and white and of the consistency of porridge. We all ate some and it tasted mildly sweet. We were told it would cause us to go on a journey. I remember telling him I wish he had told me that before I ate any. Not long after I saw a guy in the group go to wooden box the size of a casket and try to get inside for something (artwork I think). I tried to tell him it wasn’t real but he persisted, trying to break it open. Then something caught my attention. I turned and saw woman crying for help so I went to investigate. There was a grotesque creature at her door. It was a blocky, human-like figure colored white with painted on features that reminded me of paintings I’d seen in Japan. I attacked ripping its head off and tearing it apart with my bare hands. I turned back towards the woman who was standing in the doorway. She looked up and so did I. I saw a girl floating above the house who cautiously came out from behind some trees. Recognizing she was a ghost, I told her to go to the Light. She tried but couldn’t and so came back to me for help. She was the woman’s child who had not been able to leave because of the grotesque creature I had just eliminated. As I reached for her, I freed her, but I took on all her emotion and began to cry uncontrollably as my heart exploded in pain. It woke me.

The heart decimation, all to familiar to me, lingered for some time after I woke. With it I could feel my second chakra pulling with energy as well. I was reminded of a conversation I had with my husband not long ago where I told him about my heart bliss episode. I explained how in this world of duality the heart bliss could not exist without the opposite heart pain and shared with him some of the agonizingly painful heart episodes I’d had in the past. Strangely, this heart purge, though painful, was not near as bad as the others. This gives me hope that, perhaps, the end result will be a wholeness that I have yet to experience.

Citen

As I began to drift back to sleep, I received a vivid vision. A word – citen – appeared in my mind. It floated there a while until I read it to myself and it woke me. I looked it up, certain I wouldn’t find it, and discovered it IS a word (middle English).

Citen – To summon or notify (sb.) to appear before a court or a superior; ~ bi office, summon officially.

I find this message intriguing because not only did it feel that I was being called (summoned) as in similar past spiritual incidences, but very soon my husband and I will be summoned to appear before a judge to dissolve our marriage!

Final short dream: I was driving. My son navigated. We were trying to find a location to buy groceries. He took us to a non-grocery store, though, similar to a baby’s r us. As we checked out I questioned the cost of a loaf of bread but I bought it anyway because my son said everything was 50% off. Receipt said only wedding invitations were half price.

I only recalled the dream because of of how vivid the paper I read was that said the only items that qualified for 50% off were wedding invitations. I’ve been having dreams referencing weddings lately.

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Cabin Update

The last time I posted about the land and cabin the foundation had just been completed. We’ve come a long way since then.

Currently, the cabin is ready for decking, spray foam insulation and sheetrock. The construction process has been slower than anticipated, but it is moving at a steady pace. Our contractor said it should be finished sometime in October. This is actually good timing in my opinion as the holiday will be fast approaching and my plan is to use the cabin as a retreat space.

One thing that has not been going to plan is the water situation. We put in our application back in June and the wait should’ve been 6-8 weeks but there has still been no progress despite repeated attempts at communicating with the county. We are hoping they get moving sooner rather than later. Otherwise, we are stuck with a water system that uses filtered pond water (can’t drink it).

Yes, we have a well, but the water quality is such that we opted to go with county water. The price is about the same for install. County water costs a monthly fee but there is no maintenance and the water will stay on when the electricity goes out. Other advantages are the clarity and smell of the water will be at a higher standard than the well water. Well water in this part of Texas tends to smell like rotten eggs (Sulphur) and wells can go dry during periods of extended drought. The well we have is quite shallow and we’ve gotten mixed opinions on its quality with one expert saying the water is fine and another saying he wouldn’t even help us with it because of the poor quality.

If the water isn’t hooked up by completion then my stays at the cabin will be limited. The filtered pond water is not ideal for long-term stays because the filters clog up quickly and the water can smell during periods of pond turnover.

Regardless, even short periods in the cabin surrounded by nature is better than none!

Below are some pictures of the progress since July. The top five pictures are from this weekend.

Land

We have not been able to do much clearing on the property because of the intense summer heat and intermittent rain storms (unusual for this time of year). We have only recently started clearing around the pond, specifically focusing on the left.

This weekend we cleared a path on the left side of the pond. My boys and I fished the pond during breaks and managed to catch some fish. In the past we were unable to catch any. I’m not sure why. So, we had been fishing in the neighbor’s pond with great success. However, now the neighbor’s pond has gone dead and ours seems to be alive with fish. It is super satisfying to finally catch fish in our own pond!

Below are some pics of the pond and the land. I’ve had various encounters with insects, specifically walking sticks and dragonflies. In fact, one day while sitting on the back porch looking at the pond, a dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand when I invited him to. It was amazing!

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Dream Message to Myself: That Feeling Will Never Go Away

Had a dream that very much could’ve been an OBE had I been lucid enough. In it I was at my mom’s house in the front yard. A boy and some other young people were running about. The boy said, “Can you do this?” and floated up in the air and lingered for a bit. I told him I could and began jumping around and floating/flying. I ended up in the trees a couple of times and one time a branch swung back and hit me.

Somehow I noticed a depressed girl separate from the group. I can’t recall why she got my attention now, but I went over to her to see if I could help. I told her I understood how she felt. She was feeling homesick and out of place in this world. The feeling was really getting to her and causing her to get little accomplished. I hugged her tight and told her “that feeling will never go away”. When I said this, I burst into tears. My crying woke me up.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated here, and, of course, homesick. I was told how important it is that I surround myself with “my people”. It seems hopeless to do that being there are so few. I can count on one hand those who feel like they fit that description and most have gone from my life now.

In HD my unique bodygraph indicates there will very few people I meet who fit the description of “my people”. The rest won’t be. Some might seem like it but aren’t. I must be wary of those who want to possess me and never let me go. It makes me very sad.  It is hard enough to be homesick like I am but then to be so lonely because so very, very few “get” me or even “see” me at all. The older I get, the more invisible I feel I am becoming. 

Chiron/Kiron Return and the 6th Line

I am fast approaching the age of 48. This is the year when life begins to shift in preparation for the Chiron return. I’ve been waiting for this change for a long time – all my life, actually. The Chiron return is when the 6th line is done waiting for the next step or next cycle. It is the culmination of a life’s work.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it is nearing the time when I need to come out of my hermit hole and reintegrate with society/people. Most recently I’ve been the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with people, their drama or insanity. I’ve become very cynical and just want everyone to leave me alone. This is still how I feel for the most part, yet I’ve started to feel an inner nudge to let go of the cynicism and solitude and begin reintegrating into society. I’m not sure how to do this after so many years of withdrawal.

The dream says a lot in regards to how my isolation and cynicism has been affecting me. It also reminds me that the feeling that I’ve carried with me from the beginning of this life (homesickness) is not going to go away. Hiding from it or trying to push it away by distracting myself with this or that will not change how I feel. Where in the past this feeling was the impetus for my movement forward, it is now threatening that very progress.

I’ve had some “coincidental” interactions of late that seem to all point to what I wrote in the above paragraph. For example, I reconnected with an old friend (one of “my people”) which sparked a Remembering and helped me recognize my denial. I also recently recalled how passionate I use to be about helping people. I took risks I would never take today, mostly risks that involved putting myself “out there”. No matter how often I failed or stumbled, I got back up, and still saw the best in others. At some point, unfortunately, I decided there was no hope to be found in others. Deciding they will disappoint and hurt me. So, I retreated to lick my wounds and stew in my bitterness.

It is time to let go of what was in order to move into what will be. It is time to rekindle that simple Knowing that I have come here to fulfill a purpose – to help. Perhaps that feeling of homesickness, that intense grief of something indescribable and somewhat unattainable while I have a body, is the thing that needs releasing? Could it be that I am holding onto it so desperately that it is eroding my very Being, causing me to Forget and leading me into darkness?

I find it ironic that these insights are coming to me at the very time I am constructing a cabin on 10 acres, far away from the city, the politics and the people that make me cringe on a daily basis. It wouldn’t surprise me if I never live in it. Perhaps just the construction of it is enough? Still, though, it’s creation is in process, so that in itself could be the message: Not yet. Use this time to heal. Creation is healing. And I laugh a little because Creation, the creative force, is at the heart of us all. The Kundalini has taught me that.

As I was saying, there have been “coincidental” happenings lately that point towards the coming change. The woman I’ve been speaking with from the UK who has the same HD bodygraph as me was why I began thinking of that time before my Saturn Return. Back then I was open, somewhat naive and very intent on finding and living my purpose. It was her that helped me recognize how far I’ve come from that version of myself. I think Chiron will show me how to mutate the old me (pre and post-Saturn Return) into the new me.

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Why I am my Mother’s Daughter

Interesting between life recall last night.

My family went out to my mom’s for dinner last night. It turned out very well and was a nice evening. When I got home and was winding down to sleep, I was going over the night’s events, thinking of my mom, and suddenly began to imagine telling her things I should’ve when I was there. I often do this, going over past and even future moments and how I could enhance them by saying or doing things differently. So, I was telling my mom some things I think she needed to hear. I said to her (in my mind), “Mom, I’m so proud of you! You’re a good mom. You’ve done really good as my mom in this life.” Interestingly, I had a sudden flash of what I can only describe as memory when I wondered to myself, “Why did I want to say that to mom?”

The memory was of a visual from above of a young women who was very distraught. She was saying to herself, “I’m not a good mother. I want to be a good mother…” I could feel everything she was feeling. Then I heard myself say to her, “You’ll be okay. I’ll help you.” I don’t know if she actually heard me or not. 

The memory was so quick that I almost didn’t think anything of it, but there was a sense in my heart that it was something that actually happened. I believe I witnessed my mother at some point in her youth, maybe after the birth of my older sister, and answered her call for help. My intention being to come down and help her be “a good mother” because she was so distraught and struggling with the difficult task ahead, specifically with my sister who was a colicky child. My mom has told me horror stories of her time as a brand new mother with a colicky baby who seemed to never stop crying. My dad would be off working and she would be alone, in an unfamiliar city (they were in New Jersey), a new mother, with no family around for support. She told me about her struggles and how, at that time, she had visions of throwing her baby (my older sister) against the wall just so the crying would stop. She was exhausted and needed help but had none. 

I had a between life memory years ago in an OBE where I was in “heaven” in front of a curved screen going through what my life would be. I remember feeling “called” down to Earth after the birth of my older sister. The feeling was absolutely inescapable. I was going “down” and was nervously apprehensive. I wonder now if part of the call I answered was witnessing the struggle my mom was going through and somehow seeing her struggle solidified my decision to incarnate? 

Regardless, it seemed like my imagined conversation with my mom at bedtime unlocked a deeper reason for me being in this life, one that helps me better understand the relationship I have with my mom. We’ve always had a strong connection. 

I was a good baby according to her – quiet, content, and super easy compared to my older sister. Maybe I was that way to show her that mothering could be enjoyable, easy and natural? 

I also recognized when I stopped feeling like my mom and sister were “safe”. A memory came to mind from when I was around 7-8 yrs old. I remember both of them coming into the bathroom and my mom telling my sister to help her hold me down over the toilet. Then my mom put soap in my mouth (Irish Spring, I can still taste it) and literally “washed” it out, reminding me not to say bad words. I have no idea what bad words I said but I do remember feeling completely betrayed by both of them. What was the worst part is that they were both laughing at my distress. So, my guess is that when the two of them are together I go on alert and am super suspicious of being betrayed again. That is how I am. When my trust is broken it is nearly impossible for the person to win it back. 

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Progress and the Eclipse

We’ve been busy here for the last few weeks with a birthday (my youngest turned 10 on Easter), an eclipse and clearing the land. It seems like nearly every day something came up, either planned or unplanned. I’ve just been trying to keep up and get as much rest and downtime to myself as possible in between.

The eclipse was uneventful here. We had about 2 minutes of totality which came and went really fast. It was overcast, so me and the kids went about our normal day assuming we would not get to see much, if any, of the eclipse. Strangely enough, the clouds parted during totality. Ha! I got some nice shots with my new camera using a filter and even took a video but my dog was barking hysterically during totality thinking it was time to play.

I don’t recall any energetic shifts or spiritual events the days before, during or after the eclipse. It was, all-in-all, very uneventful and I didn’t think of it as awe-inspiring any more than the partial eclipse last summer. Regardless, it was cool to witness.

For me, our new land is more awe-inspiring. Every time I go there I am filled with gratitude and awe at the splendor and beauty of the place. I am also constantly reminded that I manifested it and will continue to manifest what I want it to become. To know in my heart that all will fall in line and I will get everything I desire causes me to choke up. I usually have to wipe tears from my eyes each trip there. Plus, nature loves to give me gifts when I am there.

For example, remember the turkey vultures? Well, I was clearing out an old shed in preparation for tearing it down when I heard an odd noise. It sounded like a cat growling or some kind of tiny animal warning me to stay away. When I looked up, I saw a tiny, white fluffball. A baby turkey vulture! It was hissing and growling and stomping its little foot to keep me away. So cute! Needless to say, we are not tearing down the shed until well after it has left the nest.

The baby vulture and its parents symbolize death and rebirth. Not only does this apply to the land but also to myself and my family. My children have all discovered the joy of fishing now and look forward to trip to the land. My husband has found new purpose and even made new friends. It brings me joy to see their joy. We are healing. The land is healing us.

I have also seen many wild ducks on our pond. Some are black with yellow bills and others are brown. They usually stay pretty far away from me, but just recently one came pretty close and I was able to get a video of it. I wish I’d had my new camera to get a good picture of it, but I only had my phone, so no picture – yet. I will get one eventually!

We’ve had an excavator on the property all week and Thursday we were able to check on progress. It has transformed so much! The excavator allows us to not only remove all the piles of junk scattered around the property but also remove any undergrowth and unwanted trees. When before we couldn’t see the pond from the mobile home, now there is a clear view of it.

This weekend is the last two days of having the excavator so we will likely use it to clear other parts of the property and level the land that will eventually be the road to the home site. I have decided to move the home further up the hill for a better view of the pond. The land is more level and closer to the existing septic tank.

Here are some progress pics. Enjoy!

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Heal the Land and it Will Heal You

What a long weekend! This was the second weekend we’ve been at the new property working to clean, clear and prepare the land and home.

Friday and Saturday was junk removal. When they arrived they cleared the mobile home very quickly. It was almost an entire trailer load! They returned the next day and got another two loads from there. There is more, still, but progress is being made. Below is an image of just one of the loads of junk that was removed.

We met the neighbors (my husband had introduced himself when we first saw the land) and they offered to help. They are very nice. The wife is close to my age, the husband is 63 and already retired. They also have a pond and have really created a wonderful space. They have several cabins dotting the area with a pavilion, kitchen/bathroom area and stage for live bands. They use it once a year for a family reunion. I got a tour and it was impressive, exactly what my mom wants her property to be but sadly probably will never create. 

The husband is quite handy and built his own home. He owns a backhoe (or something close, I am not familiar with the name) and said he would be open to using it to help us. He and his wife even came over with their two riding lawnmowers and mowed a good portion of our land. The husband, Randy, mowed paths all over our property – to the pond, the the other buildings, along the fence and road. They also have a stocked pond and said our boys could fish and swim anytime. Since our pond is still not giving any fish (they are there but not biting I’m sure) I took the boys there and, after some coaxing since they are impatient, got them catching fish. Both are now super exciting about fishing and want to go back as soon as they can to fish some more. lol Both of my boys caught more fish than me and bigger ones even! There are bass, crappie, catfish and bluegill in abundance. They stock it and feed their fish often. They let us take some of the fish we caught to put into our pond. We are going to stock ours some point because we/they think our otters are eating up our fish.

The beehives are on the property now, too. We have eight and the beekeeper was very nice and navigated to our land without issue. I haven’t seen the hives yet because he asked us to not go around them that day because they tend to be grumpy after being moved. I will look at them next weekend and take pics. The beekeeper did say the hives will not be there to make honey. He uses them exclusively to help landowners get ag exemption. He said he may give us some of his other honey but he had a rough season last year and took losses. We are fine with whatever. He is a very nice and knowledgeable man. 

Anyway, the inside of the mobile home is completely cleaned out except for the stuff we opted to keep (construction supplies). It makes such a difference in the energy! My husband spent the entire first day fixing the water. First he fixed the intake from the pond. The previous owner told us the beavers have chewed off the floats in the past and so my husband swam out and, sure enough, no floats. The water was being sucked off the bottom of the pond which made it stink really bad. Once he fixed it the water was perfect! It was deceptive enough to cause us to almost accidentally drink it – oops! When the water was turned on to the home he discovered several leaks under that he fixed. I think there was 5 with one he has yet to fix because he thinks he might just need to do a full re-plumb of the whole home. He also got the hot water heater going. So we have running hot and cold water now that doesn’t smell like death! I am so, so thankful to my husband. The second bathroom is completely disconnected though. Also, while he was under the home he encountered a dead raccoon. It was freshly dead and huge! He and the boys buried it.

Friday night we stayed the night (with hot/cold, fresh water) and I, of course, was not tired. I was too excited about all the happenings of the day. When I did fall asleep I had an intense dream.

Dream: Mother Gaia

In the dream I was inside a bathroom with a heavy set woman. She asked for my help. She needed me to wipe her bum. She couldn’t reach it. I agreed, happy to help. When I wiped she winced. The poo had been there a while and she had “diaper rash”. I got her cleaned up and she was thankful. She then presented me with two DVDs or CDs saying they would help me. One was about Angels. I took it and told her thank you and hugged her. When I hugged her I could feel her voluptuousness wrap around me comfortingly. It felt like squishy blankets of love. I began to sob and sob, falling into her warm, squishy skin folds. The crying woke me and I continued to cry. 

My guidance was there and I understood why I was crying. I am still recovering from so much loss. However, I knew this mobile home experience – clearing and fixing it up – was a physical representation of my healing process. I was reminded of many, many dreams I’ve had in the past of being in mobile homes with unsteady foundations (like this one) and full of junk. All pointing to me feeling unsafe and needing to de-clutter emotionally and spiritually. When I woke I told my husband, saying I think the entire process of clearing the home and land is helping me clear my own “junk” and that repurposing the home will also be therapeutic in that it will guide me through my own rebuilding process. He agreed saying he felt similarly. 

The heavy set woman may have represented Gaia and her message was, “Heal the land and it will heal you.” Such love!

I was also told when I woke that “tomorrow” would be “magical”. I think it might be the day before the eclipse because I immediately thought of the Sunday before eclipse. How it will be magical, IDK. I did have a good day that morning, however, in that me and my boys had such a great fishing experience. Our neighbor, Sam (the wife), also seemed very interested in being around me. Her energy wasn’t needly or exhausting and we talked a while. When I told her about the land I almost started to cry and she understood because of her love for her land and her life. She says, “It’s heaven out here”. I told her I could tell before I even met her she was a very happy person. I heard her singing early in the morning as she gardened. When I was near her (she didn’t know I was there) I could sense she was genuine and good. 

I also sense my husband is falling in love with the land. His connection with the neighbor, Randy, also shows promise. He is all about connecting with people and he and Randy get along really well. I could sense that my husband might actually end up wanting to live out there some day. This caused me to cry a little thinking how the land might help him, too. He needs it,

So, overall a great weekend!

Here are some recent photos of the property. The snake is a plain bellied water snake. He was living under the boat alongside a field mouse. Ha! The big tree is an ancient Elm. Isn’t it magnificent?