Some dreams to report (haven’t had good recall lately).
Dream: Meeting the Devil
I dreamed I met with the devil and we had a talk. lol I don’t really remember much of the dream but when I woke I knew I had a heart-to-heart with the devil. I vaguely recall sitting across from a shadowy male figure and feeling a sense of shame. As I woke I heard, “It’s not your fault. Forgive yourself.” With this came an understanding that there is no right or wrong, just lessons.
I feel my talk with the devil was actually a conversation with my shadow self – the part of me I would rather not acknowledge exists.
Dream: Return of the Dark Haired Man
Initially, I was in a room with my mom in an unfamiliar setting that seemed to be from the distant past. I was wearing a blue, fitted dress from perhaps the late 1800’s to early 1900’s. My mom had decided to take my sister somewhere and didn’t invite me. I was upset and asked her how she could intentionally forget to invite me. My feelings were hurt. Note: I’ve had similar dreams of my mom and sister suggesting past lives where my drug addicted sister was the “favorite” and I was invisible. This suggests this lifetime may be a reversal of that lifetime, perhaps to gain perspective.
The scene shifted and I was on a race track (fast track – guides mentioned this in previous dreams) like one would see at a school. I could see the dotted lines separating the individual lanes on the dark asphalt. I turned to look behind me and saw a young man with dark hair sitting in the bleachers. His knees were pulled up to his chest and he seemed to be wearing a hospital gown or robe. I could see his arms wrapped around his bare legs for comfort. I felt from him that he was in pain, emotional pain, from heartbreak and other similar life events. I felt immense love for him and resisted an urge to go up to him. I remember thinking, “He’s like me.” Then, as I stared at him he looked up at me and I thought, “I wonder if he feels the same (draw)?”
I turned away from the man and continued along the track. As I “ran” (don’t remember having legs), I ended up on this one-wheeled skateboard-type thing (hoverboard?). I remember flying along the track which then morphed into a room and other places. I think I was at a school (lessons to learn). I zoomed so fast around corners and objects I felt I might fall off the thing but never did. It was exhilarating.
The scene shifts and I find myself at a dock (departure point) standing solidly on my feet next to some people. There was activity and a large ship (collective journey, emotional) behind me, but I can’t recall the details now or the people. The dark haired young man approached me and I immediately felt drawn to him. Someone behind me made a comment and laughed. The comment was something like, “Oh no, there he is…..” It felt like they were making fun of me and my relationship with the man. The dark haired man stood there for a bit and I couldn’t help but inch closer and closer to him. The people there snickered, but I ignored them. I just had to be as close to him as possible. The draw was impossible to ignore. I remember thinking, “I just want to be near him.”
Reflection
Of course, I woke after this, recognizing the familiar magnetic feeling. Was this young man the same dark haired man/boy from my past? If so, was it a sign that I needed to contact my heart connection? I can do that because we follow each other on Instagram, but should I? Or is this dream merely a sign that the “link” is being restored like I was told in yesterday’s dream?
Oh, I guess I should recount yesterday’s dream for context – it was the tail end of a dream. I saw a figure above me reaching up. He said, “We have to restore the link”. It felt like a spiritual link of some kind but I woke soon after and got no further information.
Something interesting from the dream is the person laughing about a possible relationship between me and the dark haired man. When I first had dreams and OBEs with the darked haired man/boy I had similar encounters with people who seemed to find my draw to him, and him to me, hilarious. It always bothered me because, for me at least, the draw is exceptionally real and difficult to resist and the love is overwhelming. However, considering my first dream with the devil brought up shame, it could be they are laughing not at me but at the situation. The heart connection, for me, caused me to feel shame and guilt because, at the time, I was married with three young children. That is not the case now, though. So, perhaps the laughing was there to remind me of my shame.
Yesterday, after another particularly rough day, I took a walk and cried as I walked. This is becoming my new norm. Walk, walk, cry sometimes, cry some more, walk. Often my thoughts are chaotic and this time was no different.
One part of me was thinking of retreating not just away from people but into myself. This is my go-to when I feel overwhelmed. I don’t reach out, I don’t seek help or communicate with others. I’ve been judged, belittled and rejected too many times. All I want to do is return to my cabin in nature and never come out. The problem is that, without something to do, without some purpose or plan, retreat feels poisonous.
The other part of me sees my situation as an opportunity to return to myself – the me who wants to help, who sees the good in others and is capable of pouring herself into meaningful work.
The me who retreats is terrified of the unknown and taking that leap that could potentially lead me back to myself. The fear is debilitating and is keeping me stuck. IDK how to push past it.
When I returned home from my walk I noticed a large moth clinging to the brick facade. I immediately recognized it to be a sphinx moth. When I looked it up it turned out to be a Pandora Sphinx Moth.
Pandora –
The meaning of the Pandora myth is roughly this: human beings are endowed (Pandora = pan-dora = ‘all-gifted’) with a mind and soul that is like a treasure house of riches and fine jewels. However when we stray from the path of humility and holiness, and instead allow our thinking to be dominated by ruminations about the future or past, we unleash myriad woes in the form of intrusive thoughts and negative emotions.
Pandora’s box released the world’s evils but also released the antidote to that evil: Hope.
Sphinx moth –
Symbolizes transformation, profound change, and navigating the darkness with grace and wisdom. Its life cycle embodies personal growth and spiritual awakening, while its appearance can signify a time for letting go of old ways to embrace new knowledge. The moth’s nocturnal nature also connects it to the spiritual world, representing a yearning for truth, clarity, and purpose as it seeks light in the dark.
I held the moth for a time and then let it go in the backyard near the grapevine it most likely lived on as a caterpillar. When I checked later in the evening it had flown away. It’s visit not lost on me, I was immediately calmed and my upset lessened.
Being this emotional is exhausting. I don’t know how emotionally defined people do it! I get that I am now an emotional projector because of my Chiron Return but this is for the birds. I can’t go one day without breaking into tears. Stupid stuff makes me cry but so does the other, deeper stuff. And the anger and other emotions that come up are not only surprising but scary at times. I want to act on how I feel and, though I know not to, have done a few things I later regretted.
For example, my ex put $8200 on one of my credit cards without my permission so I reported it as fraud. He retaliated by asking the other owners of the business to fire me, which they did but I was able to negotiate myself a couple more weeks of work plus cash out my 3 weeks pay in exchange for training my replacement. So, I was forced to quit because I opted to act during one of my emotional waves rather than wait it out. C’est la vie.
It is very real to me now how the emotional wave works. I’ve read about it and have seen it in others (my daughter and youngest son) but to actually experience it is a whole new ballgame.
So, during this transit my normal bodygraph (left) is influenced by the bodygraph of the transit (right), which, in this case, is a 2/4 Emotional Projector. I am still a SPP but with the added bonus of having a defined root and solar plexus. The combined charts, however, give you a better idea of what is going on.
Talk about an entirely new person! Woah. It helps explain what I’ve been going through, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I really would like to go back to normal me, now, please. That me felt safer, more familiar and less overwhelmed. I like being able to turn my emotion on and off at will.
There is a lot of info in these bodygraphs and I don’t have time or really any interest in diving deep into all of it. What stands out to me, though, is the Educational Channel – Recognition (30-41). This is the channel that I gain during the transit, it is the only channel of the 2/4 Projector. Thus, it is the likely source of all this emotion and all my imaginings of possible future paths.
This channel represents the energy of setting intentions and feeling deeply about life. You’re designed to carry the potential for manifesting desires by identifying what truly matters and then channeling your passion toward making those experiences come to life.
Gate 30 (The Clinging Fire): You bring the intensity of feelings and the fire of desire into all that you pursue. Your passion helps you commit to your intentions with devotion, giving you the drive to overcome challenges and pursue what you truly want.
Gate 41 (The Fantasy): You have a natural ability to envision possibilities and dream about what could be. This gate represents the seed of new desires and the beginning of emotional cycles that help you initiate new experiences in your life.
Together, these gates empower you to pursue dreams with focus and intensity, inspiring others to follow their own heartfelt desires. You’re here to recognize the desires that are truly aligned with your purpose and to follow your inner fire to make those dreams a reality.Source
The issue is that I am struggling to see any ideal future path for myself. None of the paths truly call to me. I understand that is because all the data is not there just yet but it is frustrating to not feel that familiar feeling in my G center that says the path is the correct one for me. Instead, all I feel is crazy emotion and that emotion makes it hard to see/sense/feel my internal compass.
For example, I see the path of retreating to my new country home and using that time to heal and sort out what I want. The issue with this path is I feel it would be unwise to spend too much time alone right now. I am struggling with the emotion that insists on overwhelming me. I know to let it pass, to ride the wave, but when done, I feel exhausted. There are moments of clarity and relief at the end of the wave but they are short lived. Then another wave starts and it happens all over again.
Then there is the path of finding work so that I have something to keep me occupied whilst going through this hellish, emotional ride. I run into the two me’s issue here: the me who is ready to experience anything and the me who is just wants to curl up in a ball and give up. I’ve been working-from-home for nearly 8 years. I’ve grown use to that schedule and I like it. The idea of going back to a 9-5 is not appealing and I push the thought away only to get a nudge from within reminding me that once, not too long ago, I enjoyed work, even looked forward to it. And yes, it was a 9-5.
The other day, on whim, while I was feeling hopeful and positive (rare these days), I decided I would fill out an application to be a substitute school counselor in the school district my children attend. There was a sense at the back of my mind that doing so would open a pandora’s box so to speak (this links to another experience I’ll share in a later post). Meaning, it was very, very likely this seemingly minor decision would result in a job opportunity.
Sure enough, two days later I received a phone call from a high school asking if I would consider interviewing for an open school counselor position. They wanted me to interview the next day. I reacted with “Oh, wow.” They said, “I know it’s short notice but we’re kinda desperate.” So, not sure what to do, I figured I would interview because, why not? Worse case scenario, nothing comes of it and I got to practice my interview skills which are very, very rusty.
The interview was yesterday. I did okay. I wasn’t prepared because I don’t really ever prepare, I just wing it. Usually that works for me if the job is meant for me. I did find the group who interviewed me to be friendly, their energies not unpleasant. The school itself is HUGE and that was a bit intimidating. I may have said too much in the interview and became emotional towards the end (grrrr!) so who knows what will come of it. Either I will get offered the job or I won’t. If I get offered the job I will go with what spontaneously arises from my mouth because, well I am a SPP. lol If it is a yes, then a new adventure awaits and the scared me will need a lot of consoling and hand holding.
Of course, I’ve already considered my options and if I go with yes it requires a lot of change on my part. I cannot confront the hour drive from my country home one-way every day. So, I’ll have to handle that. My ex says I can live at the family home (with him) which is a nice gesture but NOT a good idea. He is the source of most of my emotion right now and the last thing I need is to have that triggered on a daily basis. Counseling takes an emotional toil as well and I will need space alone to decompress. So, I might have to rent an apartment. It is doable but not ideal.
I had decided to not take the job if it is offered, crying over the idea of it but also crying over the idea of it not being an option. Eventually, some calm descended and I was reminded again of a time when I looked forward to going to work, felt successful and accomplished, and created meaningful, lasting relationships. That version of me is still in there somewhere. Wouldn’t it be nice to resurrect her?
Anyway, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. At this point I don’t care one way or the other.
Cycle Cross
One last thing…with my Chiron I get a new cycle cross: Right Angle Cross of Contagion. While this cross (purpose) initially sounds cringy (I thought virus when I heard it lol), it actually means that I inspire others to the point that it catches like fire.
Primary Energy Flow: Contribution → Possession in Great Measure – Power Skills → Desire → Perseverance
Beginning with the drive to contribute (Gate 8), this variation starts with practical impact and builds toward sustained passion.
Characteristic Traits:
Leads with meaningful action
Naturally practical approach
Strong resource management
Develops passionate commitment over time
Professional Expression:
Excels in resource development roles
Natural talent for business building
Effective at creating sustainable systems
Strong at implementing practical solutions
Relationship Dynamics:
Forms connections through shared goals
Builds relationships through practical support
Develops deeper emotional bonds over time
Maintains connections through consistent effort
Challenge Areas:
May appear too practical initially
Needs to develop emotional expression
Can struggle with showing enthusiasm early on
Must learn to balance practicality with passion
Life Purpose:
This variation is designed to create change through practical contribution first, building passionate commitment through proven success. They are the “foundation builders” who develop sustainable enthusiasm. Source
My guides were talking to me again last night. This time it came from me wondering about an off feeling I was having. I couldn’t put my finger on it and as my mind drifted to how my life had had fallen apart in such a short amount of time. The song “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down” was on my mind weeks prior, specifically the part, “But losing everything feels like the sun going down on me”. I wondered back then what I would lose, well I know now.
Back during my heart connection days the same message came through but was with the house of cards symbolism repeating. Funny enough, the house of cards message recently reappeared. I also recently heard from my guidance, “Life is fragile”. I took from these reminders, along with others I will not mention now because of how numerous they are, that safety is an illusion and we build up our lives in a certain way so that it feels and appears safe. In this illusory safety we live out our lives happily unaware of just how easily it could all fall apart.
I am especially guilty of attempting to guarantee some sense of safety in my life. I struggle with uncertainty, but the reality is the only thing that is certain is death. The rest is akin to an imaginary safety net we alone are responsible for constructing.
All of these thoughts resulted in me recognizing how I created the exact situation I am experiencing now out of a desperate attempt to feel safe. I constructed my life, from my marriage to my job to my choice of friends and acquaintances, in an attempt to feel some semblance of safety. I lived a life that was not mine. I chose to become someone who fit into another’s life because that other seemed to have what I did not – safety, acceptance, purpose, love. I did this with all my relationships and it dictated the path I took in life and led me to exactly this place. A place of uncertainty and confusion brought on by the sudden implosion of everything my identity was build upon.
Interesting enough, this path, the crumbling of my false self, was set in motion in 2016 but I chickened out and reverted to the only safety I’d ever known. The result was another ten years pretending I did the right thing even though my entire Being screamed otherwise. I opted to continue on despite the discomfort and that discomfort slowly turned into intolerance to the point of bitterness. I began to imagine my life as it is now. I didn’t recognize the potency of my intention at that time.
The loss was unbearable at first and the confusion extreme. This excerpt from the book, “While You are Healing” says it well:
the pure confusion of loving someone who hurt you. of wanting them to return to you, but feeling relief when they don’t.
But back to the conversation with my guidance…..
I had been thinking of how all those who I considered loved me, did not. All those who I considered family, never were. All those I considered friend turned on a dime. I recognized how none of this would have been so bad had I not chosen to alienate my Self for a sense of belonging and safety from a group I never once felt invited into. Instead, I attempted to invite myself. They only tolerated me because I was aligned with someone that was their family. When that someone rejected me, so too did they.
I saw how this is my pattern. I heard, “How did that go?” The answer was me mentally rolling my eyes. I was asked if I had ever paved my own path. At first I thought I had not. No…but then I had. Prior to meeting my current husband I had. I was traveling a path I alone created. Doing what was best for me. I was working a full-time job, in the process of building my own house on family land, and, most importantly, actively following my life’s passion to help people via my psychic medium business.
What had happened? Why did I stop?
I met my second husband and slowly traded my identity for one more palatable to him and his family. I did this willingly.
Why?
It was easier than following my own path. His path was safer because I could see it more clearly. My own path was cloudy and uncertain. I didn’t feel good enough nor was I brave enough to venture into the unknown. I had also tired of being alone.
My guidance asked me how I felt when I followed my own path. Empowered. Successful. Excited. But also afraid and unsure of myself and extremely lonely.
My guidance asked how I felt when I followed another’s path. Bitter, depressed, unhappy. But also secure and more certain. Although I wasn’t physically alone, I still felt alone.
My mind was taken to the present. Yesterday I applied to the local school district hoping to substitute teach or perhaps go back to school counseling. Why? I want the security of a job and to be closer to my children.
But is this a decision made from Knowing that it is the right one? Or is it a decision made from a place of fear?
The second most definitely.
Why choose it then?
Because the first is an unknown. I do not know what the right path is. It is cloudy and uncertain. I don’t like that. The other path is clear. I know what to expect and how it will play out.
How has that worked out for you so far?
Mental eye roll again.
Perhaps it is time to be the leader of your own life rather than a follower of another’s?
I eventually accepted this message and fell asleep.
Dream: Circular Path
The dream began with me lounging around in my bed wearing pajamas, snacking and watching TV. I suddenly saw the time and knew I was super late to a wedding. The wedding was for three couples. I distinctly saw them in my mind as one from the past, one from the present and one from the future.
I jumped up and began to ready myself, pulling on my formal attire and deciding not to bother with makeup or hair. I began to make my way to my car and realized I wouldn’t make it. I only had 4 minutes and the distance I had to travel was far. I decided to call and tell them I wasn’t coming. My mom answered. I apologized for my latelness and told her there was no way I could make it. She answered that everyone else was late, too, and they would wait for me. She was calm and loving in her response which eased my anxiety.
As I reversed out of my driveway I went a bit too far. I recognized my mistake too late. It was muddy and I was likely to get stuck. Instead I felt an impact and was stopped by something that I imagined was a fence. I jumped out of the car to check the damage. Sure enough I had hit something and it was tall. It had busted out the back corner window. I noted the damage on my brand new car but shrugged it off as not being “that bad”. I got back in the car and attempted to drive. The car spun in circles and wouldn’t go straight. I got back out and flipped the car over to get to the tires. One back tire had a small, metal piece that was stuck. I unstuck it and spun the tire. It spun straight. I got back in and drove away.
I woke and immediately knew the symbolism. I was being shown my past and how I make the same decision, a decision to choose another’s path over my own, over and over again. The result it no movement forward on my own path. Instead I am stuck. In the dream I fix the tire and can finally go forward. So, I am aware now that I need to make different decisions and have the courage to follow my own path even though it is cloudy and uncertain.
Safety is an illusion. The sooner I accept this, the better.
I had a Human Design Chiron Return reading last Wednesday but I’m still process it.
The entire week was a rough one and I am still working through some crazy emotions this week. It is all part of the wounded healer cycle of Chiron Return and at least now I know the specific cycle and how to use this knowledge to my advantage.
First, last week was horrendous in terms of emotional healing work. I was house sitting for my mom, so back in my childhood home, which I find fitting considering the healing work that I’m doing (forced to do). I spent the darkest days of my Saturn Return at the same house and, of course, part of my childhood years as well. It was not lost to me that I had come full circle, back to the beginning so to speak, or the end depending on how you view it. So I KNEW some work was about to happen, but I had no clue how intense it would be.
I purged in ways I didn’t know possible. Aside from the decimation I felt after my heart connection ghosted me, this has been the most challenging process I’ve had to go through – and it is far from done! The emotion would hit me mainly in the solar plexus but also other chakras as if giving me notice of what kind of emotion was coming up for release. It would hit so hard I could hardly breathe and my entire body would shudder. It felt as if I were dying at times. The emotions often made no sense. They were chaotic and unorganized, bouncing around inside until released. I found that walking, sometimes outside, other times back and forth inside, was soothing to my system. I must have walked miles of circles around the living room!
The day of the reading I had already gone through two days and three nights of purging. The reading was interrupted twice by thunderstorms which knocked out the power, and the internet, which I felt was symbolic of my inner turmoil. Thankfully, the storm passed and I was able to get the data I was looking for.
My Chiron Wounded Healer Cycle:
WOUND: 3.6 Surrender
The ultimate maturity to recognize when struggle is futile.
Sun exalted. As its light sustains, so life goes on. The innate acceptance that ordering is a process, not a problem.
Pluto detriment. As darkness overwhelms, life can seem worthless leading to depression and the sense of hopelessness. The overwhelming power of confused energy can lead to depression.
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WORK: 3.3 Survival
The ability to recognize and distinguish between fertile and sterile in their various manifestations.
Venus exalted. In reproduction, the ability to choose the best mate. An innate knowing of what is sterile and what is fertile where the mutation is specifically biological and dependent on collaboration with others.
Pluto detriment. The perverse denial of evolutionary standards. An innate contrariness which refuses to mutate.
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RESOLUTION: 3.1Synthesis
Difficultiescan be only overcome when all the pertinent factors have been analyzed.
Earth exalted. The understanding that confusion is natural and must always exist before clarity can be achieved. An innate knowing that order will emerge from confusion.
Mercury detriment. The reliance on intellect at the expense of intuition can lead to unnecessary frustration. The inability to know that order will emerge and the drive to find this knowing elsewhere.
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Pluto is really a pain in my ass. Look at those depressing detriments!
I tend to go into depression on the wound part. I think I enjoy it to the extent that I’ve become somewhat addicted to it. I love to wallow in the melancholic. It can be quite beautiful. It always leads to a release via clarity.
In the work stage I come to recognize my healing is tied to my connections, especially my mate (is this from Venus I wonder?). In this particular instance it is my ex but I think at the core the wound came from much earlier and through familial bonds.
When I reach the healing part I understand a process must play out and I relax into it, trusting all will work out as intended. I’ve been really struggling to stop investing in the outcome, though. Thinking of all the “what if’s” has kept me awake one too many nights.
I wish the cycle wouldn’t repeat every day, though. Sigh.
Core Wound
I think one of my core wounds was triggered during my parent’s divorce. My world was turned upside down. I struggled with anger and other emotions and had to go to counseling. They labeled me “emotionally disturbed”. The chaos of the situation was too much for me and my parents were so caught up in their own personal chaos that they weren’t really able to help me. My mom did, later, at the urging of the school because my behavior was creating issues. She was advised to move me away from my dad whose behavior was the source of my reactive behavior.
My dad was emotionally distant and struggled to express love. He very angry and vengeful and targeted my mom through us, especially me. I didn’t want to see him when it was time for visitation. My older sister could stay home since she was old enough, but me, being only 8, and my younger sister, 5, had no choice. I would often have meltdowns as he came to pick us up. I remember being forced to get in his car and my mom telling me how sorry she was but that I had to go.
On the car rides to his place where he lived with his new wife, he would tell me how she was my “new mom” and I would be living with them and how he planned to not take me back home to my mom. I didn’t like it there. The woman was a stranger to me and seemed cold and uncaring. She had kids my age, though, which helped distract me via our playtime.
My dad broke into the house and threatened my mom. She bought a gun out of fear for her safety. I never knew what I would find when I came home. One time he broke into the house and stolen a jar of change I had in my bedroom.
I was so traumatized by these interactions with my dad that I began to memorize the path to his house. I didn’t realize I was doing this until my mom asked me if I could take her there. My dad had purposefully hidden his location from her to avoid being arrested for not paying child support. My mom recalled how I seemed to know even the tiniest of details about how to get there. In the end, I took her directly to the house, she noted the address and then took me to Dairy Queen for an ice cream reward.
When I was 10yrs old, my dad had me and my sisters for a week at his apartment in Houston. He left us alone most of the day while he worked. When it was time to go home my dad refused to take us. I went into panic mode and began to cry and protest loudly. He laughed. It was an evil, sadistic kind of laugh and made me all the more afraid. He only laughed like that when he had the intention to hurt or harm. I demanded to call my mom and he eventually let me. She asked me for location and I told her what I knew. It must have been more info than my dad thought I had and he eventually changed course and took us home. I didn’t see him for years after that.
So, this core wound is connected to relationships with men, the first man being my own father. It is connected to feelings of trauma, uncertainty, loss of control and fear. It is connected to panic and a strong desire to run and get away. My little child mind was unable to handle the chaos and confusion I felt inside. And now I am feeling many of these same feelings but the circumstances are very different. I’m not in danger. No one is threatening to kidnap me or keep me from going home. Yet my trauma has been triggered and the feelings rise up to be released and I must not over identify with them because they are old, stagnant and do not apply to the present situation.
When I visited Costa Rica I recall standing on the rocky coastline looking out at the ocean. I could hear nothing but the roaring of the waves. Numb and feeling uncertain about my future, my guide whispered, “You are safe here.” I immediately burst into tears. It was the first time I recognized how unsafe I felt. I believe this was a foreshadowing of what I am experiencing now.
I don’t feel safe in this world, in this body, in this life, and it causes me to put distance between myself and others. I don’t trust others or this world because I was let down by my father, someone who was suppose to love me and keep me safe. He was suppose to cherish me and protect me from harm. But he did the opposite and the scars are destroying my relationships.
I don’t know how to resolve this. I know this wound was there before I came into this life. It was just reopened by my childhood experiences and then later opened via other instances where similar feelings arose. The circumstances that trigger the feelings are not important. It is the feelings themselves that are destructive because they come with decisions. Decisions like, “I wont let this happen to me again”, or “I can’t trust anyone. I can only trust myself.” These decisions have dictated my path up until now. I have retreated so far into myself that I don’t know if I can come back. And when I do, I fear opening up to and trusting others. To do so would be risky. That little child comes out and wants to run and hide.
The most memorable part of the emotional releases I’ve been experiencing are just how physical they are. Again, the closest experience to this was when my heart connection stopped communicating with me. I remember the only way I got through that time was to surrender. This came via an OBE where I was struggling in a vast, dark ocean, nearly drowning. When I surrendered, I floated there and stared at the stars in the night sky. The dark waves eventually deposited my body on the beach where I remember celebrating. From that point on it was still difficult but at least I could breathe. I guess I need to do the same with this, only my Chiron Return isn’t actually done until May 2027.
The HD analyst told me that it seems like my process had a jump start (it began mid-year last year) and explained that happens sometimes. She is halfway through her Chiron and just now noticed it. Of course I would plan my life to jump head first into heavy emotional crap.
I’ll write another post about the content of the reading soon. Here is a song that was sent to me recently to remind me to surrender.
This is the first time I’ve had a dream of being stuck inside an elevator. So much symbolism here.
I was outside walking and came across a male runner who was struggling to breathe. I reached out and touched him on the shoulder. He flinched and moved down away from my touch but not without wincing from some unknown pain. I asked him what was wrong. I don’t recall his response only that he eventually seemed to accept my help. A passerby joined me and we helped him hobble towards a building as he gasped for air. He reminded me of my ex in the dream, because he is a long-distance runner. The man’s build and energy also seemed to match but I can’t recall his face so IDK.
When we got to the it turned out to be a hotel. I went directly to the elevator, my destination the 5th floor. I don’t recall the runner man being with me at this time. A lady with children ran to the elevator as the doors were closing. I pushed the button that keeps the door open and reassured her she could come inside. The door tried to close on her and she withdrew.
The doors closed but the elevator didn’t move. The people inside with me were confused as was I. I worried there was a malfunction. Would the elevator fall downward and kill us all? Were we trapped inside without a way out?
After a short while, someone pushed a button and the elevator lurched and began to travel up very fast but then backtracked and went down to the what I believe was the first floor. Then it lurched upward and stopped at what I thought was level 5. A woman and her friend were relieved when the doors opened and they rushed out. It was level 7, not 5. There was a map of the levels on the elevator wall and level 7 shouldn’t have even been accessible from the elevator. Level 5 was the top on its route.
The elevator doors closed with the rest of us inside. I stayed because I thought, “Maybe it is working now?” It continued and took us down. I think it stopped on the ground floor. I opted to exit because the elevator shut down and needed repair.
When we got out, the group dispersed. I went to get a cup of coffee. My ex was at the buffet where the coffee and juice machines were. I remember distinctly how hotel-like it all was. I selected a small paper cup for my coffee but it was full of used coffee filters and trash. I pulled out the trashed cup and the rest were the same. I held it up to my ex and commented, “All the cups are dirty, I wonder if they have more.” As I looked around for an employee to assist, my ex sat a large cup of steaming hot coffee on the counter in front of me. It was at least five times the size of the cup I was seeking, way more coffee than I wanted. I turned my back on the large cup and my ex. The feeling I got was that I didn’t want what he had offered. I felt insulted.
Considerations/Symbolism
Elevators represent consciousness with awareness going up as the elevator goes up and awareness going down as the elevator goes down. I think of the levels as the chakras in this case since the top floor was level 7 and there are 7 chakras. I wanted to go to the 5th level, throat chakra and communication. The elevator being stuck and its unpredictable behavior reflects the state of the people inside. The elevator went to 7 but I didn’t get off. Perhaps I am not seeking that kind of awareness right now? I end up getting off at the root chakra level, which is all about survival, feeling safe and stable in life. It is the foundation chakra. I get off on the 1st floor reluctantly, uncertain where the elevator will go if I do not and not wanting to end up stuck inside.
The man running, if he is symbolic of my ex, is in distress. He can’t breathe. Is he feeling suffocated or is his struggling in some way I do not have knowledge of? Or perhaps this is his future and I am being shown he will need my help, though he will at first be unwilling to accept it because it causes him pain? This second seems more likely but it could be both.
Later, my ex gives me coffee. Coffee is awareness. I am seeking it, just not in the amounts he gives me. I think his awareness gift is too much for me so in the dream I reject it. It may also be that I do not want to see his side of things as I am too caught up in my own struggles. What I want is full of trash and debris, indicating things that are distracting me from even a little awareness of the situation.
The symbolism of the hotel and elevator both represent transition, change and the temporary nature of certain life situations. Dreaming about hotels could be connected to feelings of uncertainty, impermanence, or being in a transitional phase life. It might also reflect experiences and feelings about temporary yet constantly changing environments.
Vision
I saw a large pot filled with gravely dirt. In the left corner, barely noticeable, was a tiny Venus flytrap. With it came the message, “Life is fragile.”
I’ve never seen a Venus flytrap in a vision or dream so I had to look it up.
Feeling trapped in a toxic relationship or job
Struggling to set boundaries with others
Dealing with a controlling or manipulative person
Suppressing your own desires or needs
The vision itself could be showing me that I need to take control and set boundaries or it may simply be showing me my anxieties. IF the vision is about me, anyway. I woke up thinking about my ex’s new relationship so it could be about him but maybe that is just what I want it to be.
Also, my first inclination was to focus on the Venus part. Venus is the planet of love and romantic relationships. The flytrap part is about enticement of prey in search of sustenance. Thus, I thought of my ex and tendency to obsess over whoever he has his romantic sights on. He is needy and hungry for “love” and will do whatever it takes to possess the individual he has his sights on. This can lead to the person his focus is on having their very life sucked out of them (energetically).
The message, “Life is fragile” seemed connected to just how small the plant was in comparison to the pot it was in. It has an ominous ring to it, or that is how I perceived the message.
Woke at around 4am with thoughts about lots of things that have been bothering me. Most are piddly things; things I should not be wasting my energy on. So, I spent quite a while tossing and turning while attempting to quiet my mind by focusing on my breath in mindfulness meditation. I would do well for a bit and then fall back into the trap of thinking.
At one point I achieved a fully relaxed state. Recognizing this meant I could sleep, I asked to go OOB. I heard back, “Where would you go?” I randomly said, “To see my mom.” lol
Not long after this I began hearing noises-off and recognized I could exit my body. I exited the first time and made it halfway down my stairs when my throat felt scratchy. When I attempted to clear it I popped back into my physical body. I re-exited almost immediately, this time making it to down the stairs but with my blanket wrapped around my feet. I tried to make it vanish with a thought but ultimately was brought back to my body. Round three – again there was a scratchy sensation in my throat. I automatically attempted to clear it and went back to my body.
Each exit I had full vision and all astral body senses but little annoyances kept stopping my progress. I believe this was symbolic of the little annoyances of life that had been keeping my mind active and interrupting my sleep. I also find it interesting that twice my throat was scratchy. I believe this is indicative of a block in that area, which I am prone to at times. One of the issues bothering me was not being able to communicate several times the previous day.
Still, I persisted since I was still in the vibrational state (very subtle) and kept hearing noises-off. Every exit was pretty seamless, though the first few (above) were slower and more cumbersome. I rolled out, popped out and floated out of my body with each new exit. Note: I was exiting and returning frequently because I seemed unable to maintain each trip for very long.
In one more memorable exit, I made it downstairs, saw my ex and my children, and made it to the living room near the front door. There I went to sleep (ha!) and then was awakened by noises-off and my ex furiously cleaning and making a ruckus over how dirty to house was. I realized it was nonsense and exited my body from that point and went out the door, my ex still complaining behind me.
OBE: Model-T
When I went outside, my dog tried to go with me and I initially stopped him, but, remembering it was a dream, I allowed him out saying, “Oh who cares!”. He ran out and I stopped at the step because there was a black Model-T parked in the driveway. I laughed and said aloud, “That’s a Model-T!” Then I turned and looked around the neighborhood noticing all the parked cars were also Model-T’s. Additionally, there was a nice, thick blanket of snow on the ground despite the Spring like feel outside. The neighborhood was also unfamiliar, reminding me of somewhere in New England. I began to float up to fly around but paused to grab some snow and went back to my physical body.
OBE: Group of Girls
I immediately exited my body. I recall random kitchen chairs (wooden type) lying on the floor in the hallway. I picked one up and tossed it down the stairs in front of me as I flew down. I went straight for the door and outside. Again it was the same New England-like neighborhood. This time there was no snow or Model-T’s. A group of children were sitting outside. It was Fall as I could see colorful leaves littering the ground. I flew up and one girl pointed and went, “Wow! She’s flying!” I went upward quickly as if getting sucked up and was able to refocus and float back down. A girl came up, arms spread wide, asking, “Can you take me up with you?” I said, “Of course!” and grabbed her in my arms and took her to the treetops. I could see the other girls looking up at us from below, all their faces lit up with smiles.
OBE: Energy Surge
Again, back to my body but it was more gradual. It was more like a shift because I closed my eyes and lost all vision but I could still feel I was OOB. For some reason I got creative and created a vast warm ocean full of exotic and alien marine life. I never saw it visually, just mentally, as my eyes were closed. I could feel it, though, as I did a backstroke. Not only did I feel the water and the buoyancy of it, but I could see colors streaking through it despite my eyes being closed (the colors were bright). It was like the water was every color of the rainbow at varying times. Eventually, I just floated there soaking up the sensations and colors, allowing myself to be soothed and blanketed in the water’s warmth.
Then, suddenly, the vibrations, very subtle and almost unnoticeable up until this point, went into overdrive. It felt like a lightening surge of energy rushed into me. It began at my middle back and spread to my entire astral body. I could feel my astral body lurch upward in an arch. My eyes were forced open and I had instant, ultra clear vision of the space. My eyes felt strange, like I had beams of energy pouring out of them. I wish I could’ve seen my astral body at that time! I bet it was spectacular.
My vision revealed I was lying in a bed that was not mine in an unfamiliar bedroom. It was very light colored and sparsely furnished. I honestly don’t recall too much about it because I was in shock from the incredible energy that was coursing through me.
OBE: Boss Baby
With eyes still forced wide open by the energy, music began to fill my mind. It was not a song I’d ever heard but it was a complete song – instruments, vocals and everything. The main words were, “Freedom!” lol And something about the song seemed to propel me up and out of the bed, down the stairs and out the front door. The entire time I am attempting to sing along but I don’t know the words so I’m a second or two behind them. Mostly I just remember repeating that I was free, that freedom was possible, etc.
Outside it was the same as before – a New England neighborhood – but this time there was a courtyard in the middle of a roundabout with people lounging on chairs in groups of two or three. I was soaring in the air and the people outside looked up with astonished faces and pointed. I specifically recall a black woman sitting in a chair having coffee for some reason. I also saw a man sitting on a raised, circular, concrete platform smoking a cigarette, his back to me. I remember singing “Freedom!” as I flew over to him. What is really curious is he instantly morphed into a chubby baby wearing a diaper (think Boss Baby). The cigarette was still in his mouth nearly burned down to his lips. I noted it and didn’t react because 1. it was a dream and 2. I was enjoying myself thoroughly. Later, the image of the cigarette about to burn his mouth stayed with me.
I returned to my body and had a few other small, insignificant OBEs, mostly in my house hearing noise-off, going to explore, etc. They were all cut short by my mind trying to hang onto the memory of the more significant previous OBEs.
I never once even thought about visiting my mom. LOL I recognized why, though. I was not in any shape to visit someone linked to so many emotional memories. I needed my OBEs for an energy attunement (that’s what I feel I got anyway).
I woke feeling rested, relaxed and grateful. Also, when I started to thank my guidance I stopped short recognizing I should be thanking myself. It was me, after all, who had accomplished it all. It was all me.
I spent several days out a my new abode – alone. The solitude was much needed. I’ve been experiencing sleep difficulties again and high blood pressure (yikes!). My BP is averaging 140/90+, the bottom number being the most volatile, sometimes going up to 107! My Dr. isn’t concerned because it comes down when I am calm, but I am not calm very often these days. Stress is the culprit, thus my retreat away from everyone and everything for a few days.
Ample sleep was gotten as was plenty of slow, stress-free time alone. I have a sleep number bed that tells me how well I sleep with a range from 1-100, 100 being the best sleep ever. My numbers are usually in the low 70s and high 60s. For three nights my numbers were in the 80s! Yay!
I took a ton of walks and did some breathing meditations. I’ve been exploring Buddhist practices, starting with short, mindfulness meditations. I haven’t gone past 5 minutes yet, but am working on it. I think my guidance approves because I got a message yesterday morning upon waking, “Purpose is in the moment.” It is indeed.
Hummingbird
Two days into my retreat I was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes when I noticed a hummingbird flying around with something in her mouth. I had never seen a hummingbird do that so I paid closer attention. It wasn’t long before I saw her going back to the same place on a tree. A tiny crook at the end of a twig. I went outside to look closer and saw what looked like a bunch of moss stuck on the twig. The hummingbird buzzed my head as I thought, “She’s making a nest!”
As the day progressed, I checked on her progress periodically. By the end of the day she had a thimble sized nest and I took the opportunity during a passing thunderstorm to sit outside with my camera to take pictures and video (you can hear the thunder on the video). She was not very afraid of me so I was able to get pretty close, about 10ft away, which allowed me to zoom in really close.
Honestly, I was fascinated and appreciative that she would choose to share with me such a private part of her tiny life. Just writing about it makes me emotional for some reason. The pictures and video don’t come close to how beautiful she and her tiny nest are.
I plan to keep a watch over the nest in the coming weeks. I can’t wait to see tiny eggs and, hopefully, babies. I may even take a feeder out just so she has some nourishment close by during the hellishly hot summer days.
Below are some pictures of mama hummingbird. Here is a link to a video from my YouTube channel. Please forgive the shiftiness of the video. My camera is designed to prioritize photos, not video. I need to get a tripod and set it up on my back porch with my camera aimed at the nest. 🙂
While in the midst of taking videos of mama hummingbird I noticed a magnificent rainbow arching across the sky. It remained for nearly the entire time I was outside observing her. Such a blessing!
Hummingbird Totem
“Hummingbird as a spirit animal represents flexibility (our ability to accept and implement change), lightheartedness, and joy. Other associations shared by these Lightworkers include remaining present, freedom, awakening happiness and hope, a lightness of spirit, quick responses, reversing melancholy, tirelessness, and fortitude”. Source
It seems to me hummingbird is a further reminder to me that it is of utmost importance for me to continue taking time to myself, enjoying the solitude of my new home and all the blessings of nature and life. Mindfulness meditation and staying present in the moment go hand-in-hand with her message as well.
Thank you hummingbird, I hear you!
Some photos of my weekend. Hopefully they lift your spirit like they did mine. The colors of the sunset after the rain – breathtaking!
I was standing in the center of a garden courtyard of what appeared to be an ancient temple or castle. There were others around, mostly standing near the edges of my vision and out of sight. I was wearing a long, flowing, white gown or robe. The events prior to this part of the dream are extremely hazy. All I recall is there was some discussion of “fence cutting” and interaction with a few others, one being a young boy with light brown hair wearing a huge grin.
Feet solidly grounded on the earth, I held my hands up, spread my fingers wide and began to use my hands to summon energy up from my feet into my legs, hips and on upward. I remember feeling powerful and confident as I did this, as if I had done it a million times before. The sense was that I was a priestess or someone with similar spiritual training. As the energy moved upward it grew in intensity, ballooning outward as it spread. When the energy hit my root and second chakras it exploded to the point that I became super conscious in the dream. Unfortunately, the intensity mixed with sudden awareness (which surprised me) instantly transported me back to my bed and my physical body where the residual energy lingered for quite some time.
I couldn’t return to sleep from the excitement I felt. I have never had a K dream in which I was the one who initiated the K in myself. Normally someone else is helping me or interacting with me, seeming to be the initiator of the energy. Not only that, but I was aware of being fully in control and felt powerful and confident about it. It is quite a different feeling than when I am with another or when another seems to be helping move the energy for me.
It was obvious the energy was mine, or me, or however you prefer it. It was very clear and refreshing, like the sense one gets after a Spring rain, flowing and cleansing as it progressed upward. Yet at the same time the desirous sensations that often arise with root chakra were very obviously present, but not in such a way as to make me feel the effect of them.
It is easy to think with the K that someone else is somehow sparking the K fire inside me. Especially since most of my K experiences were in conjunction with someone who I felt a connection to I couldn’t quite explain. This K experience felt empowering and freeing. Even though it did not fully rise, as it has in other instances, I am not disappointed. It felt like it may have burst through a blockage in my second chakra also, which is always welcome!
I do hope to have more experiences like this one. 🙂
Had a dream the other night that has a message that has been on my mind.
In the dream, there was a bright red crawdad (crayfish). I had leaned over to get something and my hair cascaded down near it. The crawdad grabbed onto my hair and climbed up onto my head. I freaked out and began screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” while trying to grab it but then shying away from it. I remember worrying it would sting me and feeling like it would be a very bad thing if it did. Someone was there trying to help me get it out of my hair but I woke before it was taken out.
It took me a whole day to finally look it up because I had a feeling it was not something I wanted to hear (thus wanting it off my head and thinking it would sting me in the dream). And yes, the message was that I need to shed my old skin and let go of the old to make way for the new. It also is telling me to pay attention to my dreams. I think the crawdad being in my hair is also meaningful. Hair represents strength and growth. The crawdad being in my hair is reminding me that, to grow, one must shed the old, which can sometimes be very painful. The fact that the crawdad was red may also be significant. It could symbolize anger, aggression, and even passion. I think in this instance it was power and new beginnings. I experience fear from these things in general.
Since our divorce was finalized on the 22nd of January, my ex has been very nice and accommodating. Our relationship is better than ever and it has led us to fall back into old patterns and behaviors. These behaviors are more like they were early in our relationship, not like the last few years. For example, he had a dozen roses delivered to me for Valentine’s Day. We are acting more married and loving than in a long time. It is just habit and it is hard to end old habits when in such close proximity. He is still in the house when I am staying there, something I’ve asked him to remedy. I’ve spoken with him about it, reminding him that we are divorced and should be planning for our new, single lives – apart.
Until just recently all the bills were still in my name. I have since cancelled service and transferred what I could. This upset him but they are his bills, not mine, and late payment would impact my credit, not his, if left in my name. Tomorrow he asked me to help him call all the utility providers to set up service in his name. He has little to no experience with financial matters but he has to step up now and I think he is a bit unsure of himself.
My SIL has been threatening to sue my ex for “divorce fraud”. LOL But then she was very angry at the time. She won’t do it, it’s just a hollow threat to get his attention (even if she did it has no standing). She is mostly upset as a part-owner in the company because I will be getting monthly payments soon and she thinks I am stealing from the company. She doesn’t really understand the arrangement I don’t think. The money is from my ex, not her or the company, it just comes from the company as his portion owed to me. Anyway, I think she has a point (re: the fraud part) and I told him as much. He just laughed it off.
It is easy to get caught up in what is comfortable and familiar. I think the crawdad is correct – it is time for me to shed my old skin – but I struggle because so much of my life is tangled up with my ex and my position working at the family company. I enjoy my job, especially the WFH aspect. I don’t know what to replace it with were I to resign. I have no issue walking away from his family but walking away from my ex will be hard. He is good at reeling me in – we are good parent partners and get along really well as friends. I am not one to hold grudges or hang onto stupid upsets. I wish sometimes I was because it would make this easier.
Living Life in Between 