Category Archives: Healing

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2023

Happy New Year!

I hope this year turns out better than last. 2022 was heavy!

What I learned from 2022:

I don’t like living in crowded places. I need space, a place where all I see is nature and the only sounds are of wildlife and the trees. 

I’m bitter and the only way to release that bitterness is to give myself more space. I don’t have time to waste on feeling that way. I prefer to focus on feeling joy.

I am loved. I am blessed.

Wanting only leads to suffering. Gratitude and humility lead to peace.

Silence is my friend.

Healing is possible, just give it time (and in my case, space).

Everything I need/want is right where I am.

The only thing holding me back is myself.

Listen more and say less. When I listen people open up to me and invitations are more frequent.

Abundance is a state of mind. 

What I accomplished:

I recognized and released an old pattern related to my relationships with my mother and siblings. It is not something that is gone completely but now that is it recognized I can prevent it from tainting the rest of my life.

We paid off our mortgage!

I’ve made peace with my MIL and our interactions are pleasant and enjoyable.

I’m developing a healthier relationship with money. I’m more generous and less triggered by it in general. This is a lesson that I brought into this life and continue to work on. 

2023

Last years goals were accomplished but I chose to not pursue the HD Analyst path because it did not feel 100% to me. Mostly the fact that it is profit-driven put me off, but also that the program asks that students memorize info and then are tested on their memory that really put me off. They discourage analysts from using their intuition during readings and want them to regurgitate verbatim what is written. I am intuitive BY DESIGN so this just won’t work for me.

The RV we purchased was not utilized by me until the very end of the year. It was only recently that I got to enjoy it. I spent three days in nature on familiar, family land. There are small issues that need to be resolved but all in all the experience was very good for me. I immediately felt relief and the time spent in nature did me a ton of good. I wish I had used the RV more but this last week was the only time I really felt drawn to use it. I’m glad I did!

I was not able to train a new AP manager and move into the CFO position. Mostly this is because I am not the only one involved in the decision but also because of the difficulty in finding a suitable replacement. What I learned is that the younger applicants are quick to quit if they encounter any difficulties. We hired and lost two applicants. The younger one, a Millennial, lasted a week and a half, complaining because he couldn’t get a raise (he was just hired!) and demanding to work-from-home. The other one, a Gen X’r, enjoyed her job but got odd sicknesses so frequently that she finally resigned (in two weeks). Both I had to train, which was exhausting and challenging. In the end I decided it was just easier to put an end to the search. 

So one out of two goals were met. Not good odds but then I usually don’t set goals anyway. In my experience, life doesn’t work to well when I try to force something to happen. It works much better if I listen and trust my inner guidance.

I am still not certain about my work path at the moment but I am okay with it. There are just too many positives, specifically that I can work-from-home and do not have to deal with people unless I want to. It feels like this is exactly what I need at this time in my life.

The RV still feels like a positive and I intend to utilize it more frequently. There are some minor repairs that are needed (no hot water for example) but it is 32ft long and provides one person with ample space to live, sleep, even do yoga or workout. I intend to spruce it up a bit and spend as much time in it as I can. The only hurdle right now is internet so that I can work from the RV. I don’t know as of yet if the wi-fi will be enough to ensure a strong remote connection. Since the location is so rural, the only internet available is satellite though my mom said a new tower was constructed (I could see it) and the company offers internet service. 

My husband is going to help create a spot for the RV that is even more secluded than where it is parked now. It will take some time, though. The land needs to be cleared, a road put in, and water and electric brought to the site from the base of the hill. Eventually the RV will be replaced with an off-grid capable cabin. I am super excited! But for now, the RV will work just fine for my needs. 

Being out on family land may prove a challenge in other ways. My mother has allowed my sister to park her RV next to the house. She has been living there since before Thanksgiving and there are already indicators that things may turn sour like they did last time. This family drama has been going on for some time. No matter how far away I go it seems I cannot fully escape it. This is mostly because my relationship with my mother. She often reaches out to me, confiding in me and asking my opinion among other things. As she ages I feel she will need me more and more. To abandon her is not in my nature. It may be that I have a lesson to learn in all this. Can I remain neutral while also assisting when needed? Perhaps I can also help my sister?

I don’t have any other ideas for 2023 just yet. The priority is that I get the space I need to heal and release the bitterness that has built up over a lifetime. I think everything else will fall into place after that. 

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Dreams: Birth and Wedding Preparations

Another night of vivid dreams. None lucid this time but that’s okay. Kinda glad I wasn’t lucid, especially for the first one.

Dream: Pooping a Baby

I felt an extreme pressure in my nether regions that felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. I went to the restroom and when I pushed ever so slightly I felt this huge mass of something down below. I reached down to feel what it was and felt this massive, round, solid lump. Immediately concerned because it felt like a baby’s head, I called my mom in to help. I told her, “I think I’m having a baby” she said, “Then we should go to a hospital right now.” The pressure below was extreme. I was dong everything in my power not to drop the baby right there. It is hard to describe the feeling. There wasn’t any pain, just intense pressure. Every pelvic floor muscle I had was activated to try and keep the baby inside. One look at my face and my mom said, “I don’t think we have time.” She instructed me to climb into an empty bathtub, which I did. I lay down and pushed. I could feel the mass moving out but was highly concerned it would be covered in feces. I never looked but could feel something wet, likely blood, coming out with the baby. The dream ended before the baby was fully born so I don’t even know if it was a baby, and if it was, whether it was alive or not.

When I woke the sensations of the dream lingered but disappeared fast. It was a weird feeling!

Dream: Vow Renewal Preparation

I walked into a church with my husband and a few others. There was quite a bit of activity inside with various small groups of people clustered together. It was soon clear they were all signing up for wedding ceremonies to be performed that day. I was wearing a wedding gown, so it was clear I was getting married, also. The whole thing felt a bit rushed, though, and all the people in the chapel made me anxious. 

We spent a little bit of time getting things in order such as who would be standing where and what time the ceremony would take place. A woman I didn’t recognize was to stand by my side. We discussed her holding my bouquet while the rings and vows were exchanged. I had no idea who she was but assumed she was just there to help, a stranger doing a good deed. She had shoulder length light brown, almost reddish blonde hair, a round face, and a short, chubby body. She seemed nice enough and I didn’t have any issues with her helping me. The thing that was concerning is I was completely unsure how I got there, who I was marrying and why. I concluded that the ceremony was a vow renewal.

I remember watching a group of very tall, black ladies walking toward the entrance/exit of the chapel. They were extremely loud and excited. The woman with me said she recognized one lady and even called out to her to say hello. The woman had an odd shaped body and I remember noticing. She had this roll of skin pushed up high under her breasts as if the pants she was wearing were too tight. It made her silhouette look unhuman and I thought to myself, “I’m glad I don’t look like that.” lol

Then it was time to talk to the man who would be doing the ceremony. He was short, older, and balding. I remember looking down at my dress at this time. It was long and white with some lace. I knew it was a wedding gown. It all felt really silly and unnecessary to me and I didn’t care about the details being discussed. The busy chapel and all the groups inside made the entire process even less appealing. I didn’t want to get married or re-married and if I did, I sure wouldn’t want it to take place here, tightly scheduled between other wedding parties. 

I woke up from the dream thinking, “What was that about? I would never do a vow renewal.” lol

Considerations

As I was typing the wedding preparation dream I remembered something that happened yesterday on my drive into work. 

I haven’t worn my wedding ring in years. I stopped because my husband never wore his (he welds and works with his hands) and I don’t like wearing jewelry. Yet yesterday, looking at my hands on the steering wheel, it felt like I had forgotten something. I had an urge to touch my ring finger where, in the distant past, I would fiddle with my ring and make sure the diamond was straight and centered (or it would cut my other finger). It all happened quite fast but I recognized the oddness of it in the moment. I wondered briefly if it had anything to do with my dream from the night before where I kept trying to remember who I married in this lifetime. I didn’t spend too much time thinking about it and promptly forgot about it….until now.

My BIL and SIL recently renewed their wedding vows in a very public way. My husband has since asked if we could do the same. He hasn’t pushed it on me but he has mentioned it a few times now. I am not interested. I didn’t want to have a public ceremony the first time we married. I wanted to elope. Yet he insisted and so I gave in and agreed to a church wedding. Honestly, if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. So, that was probably why I was feeling like I was in the dream. I just wanted outta there! lol

The dream about giving birth may be related to the healing my guides referred to yesterday. When I said I wanted to go OOB they told me, “You’re still healing”. I wondered what they meant. I have since asked (after these dreams) them to elaborate. 

Having a strong urge to use the bathroom is symbolic of release or a need to relieve ones self of “waste”. Spiritually and emotionally, waste is anything we have been holding onto that is no longer needed and might even be bad for us. Babies are signs of new life, new beginnings, hope, and renewal. Since IDK if the baby was alive or not, or if it was even a baby, my guess is that I am trying to rid myself of false hope and ideas that at one time seemed promising and new but have since degraded. Overall, this interpretation feels correct to me. One of the hardest things for me since 2015 and the entire heart connection experience has been letting go of the “what if”. There were so many hopes dashed and destroyed and the hardest part was that I believed they would come to be. I feel so foolish for ever believing. 

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The McKenzie Method

I haven’t written much about my sciatica and sacrum pain so I wanted to give a quick update.

Back in August (on my birthday) I experienced jolts of pain all the way down my right leg into my ankle. After some foam rolling I was able to fix the ankle pain but still had pain in my right upper thigh and glute. It resolved with some rest and foam rolling, moved to the center of my sacrum and then switched over to the left leg where the pain shot down my left leg but stopped just above the knee.

The pain persisted week after week. When I woke in the morning there was no pain but by around dinner time it would return with a vengeance to the point that I was taking pain relievers in anticipation of the nightly pain. The more I moved, the better I felt, so I was up on my feet all day – walking, doing light cardio, standing at my desk while working, etc. When sitting or laying down there was no pain but the instant I stood up, the pain hit, lasting sometimes 30 seconds but usually not more than 10. Still, though, that 10 seconds of pain was like lightening fire in my leg. I dreaded sitting and laying down because of the fact that I would eventually have to get up and face that pain.

After around 6 weeks the pain, like a miracle, suddenly vanished. I thought, “Yay!” and went back to my normal exercise routine. For about a week all was good until I decided to add weigh. This was a bad idea and I reinjured my back (stupid me tried a deadlift) because it started all over again.

This month the pain has been manageable for the most part. The pain wouldn’t set in until well past dinner time and I learned that if I stood up a certain way I could manage the electric jolt of pain to a level of a 2-3 on a pain scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst). Okay. I can live with that. But I wondered, “Will I ever been pain-free again? Is this my new life?”

Nearly two weeks ago I was researching back pain, disc herniation, sciatica – everything – in search of something, anything, to help me completely erase the pain. I did not want to go to a doctor. Doctor = pain meds or cortisone. There really isn’t much they can do. I had been researching on and off for months, trying various stretches, easing up on my exercise routine, but nothing so far had worked. This time, however, I found a book and knew I had to get it.

Treat Your Own Back by Robin McKenzie has been a game changer. Just like the author promised in the book, after two days of doing the first three exercises, the pain I felt upon standing just stopped. I would occasionally feel niggles here and there indicating it wasn’t completely gone, but my pain level was below 1, like almost nonexistent. After just two days!

Nearly two weeks in I am at zero pain. My back was stiff in the mornings for a while but even that is easing up. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

The McKenzie Method has been around for almost as long as I’ve been alive. I don’t know how I didn’t find any mention of it in my previous online searches. My guess is that for some reason I needed to experience the pain. My guess is that the pain was teaching me something about myself, and it did do that. I have long known I need to slow down and take it easy; be kind to my body. The pain has pretty much forced me to do that. The pain also made me listen to – my body, my emotions, my energy. I remember at one point I stopped avoiding the pain and just surrendered to it. I remember saying to myself when I felt the pain, “I am alive.” In some cases I would smile when I felt it (I know, weird) because it felt like it was reminding me to be in my body – IN it. I spend a lot of time disconnected from this physical reality. The pain was forcing me to reconnect with it.

Still, though, I’ve had enough of the pain and if I can help even one person avoid months of pain by sharing what I learned, then I will feel accomplished.

If you don’t buy the book (I got mine used for $5.99), then there are tons of videos online via YouTube that can show you the exercises. However, the book gives a ton of information about the spine, posture, and what is effective and ineffective. For example, the greatest mistake athletes (or those who train on a regular basis) make is going too fast and not giving their back enough time to heal. This was me. I was doing the right things and even had success but then rushed right back into my normal weight lifting exercises only to reinjure my back.

The First Three Exercises

These are considered first-aid exercises.

#1 Lying prone (face down). Lay with your arms beside your body and your head to one side. Breathe deeply and let your hips and lower back relax. Hold for 30 seconds or longer, as needed.

#2 Lying face down in extension (like Sphinx pose). From lying prone, move your elbows to rest directly underneath your shoulders and lift your chest, shoulders, and head creating a 90-degree angle in your elbow. Your palms should be face down on the floor. Take a few deep breaths and then return to lying prone (#1).

#3. Extension in lying (like Cobra pose). Place your hands under your shoulders with your fingers pointing toward the top of the mat in a press-up position. Hug your elbows in to the sides of your body. Push the top part of your body as far up as you can. Allow your low back to sag and your pelvis, hips and legs to relax. Take a few deep breaths and return to exercise #1.

The Other Exercises

These exercises are for when the pain is no longer severe and are more for prevention of low back problems

#4. Extension in Standing. Stand up with your feet hip width apart. Place your hands on your lower back just above your hips, fingers facing down. Lean backwards as far as you can while keeping your knees straight. Hold for a few seconds and return to standing position. Repeat and try to go a bit further back each time. This is a great exercise to do before and after you do any kind of lifting or extended bending.

#5. Flexion in lying (knees to chest). Lay on your back with your knees bent and feet flat on the floor. Pull your knees into your chest without lifting your head. Hold the position for a few breathes. Release legs back to the position. Do not straighten your legs as you lower them but keep the knees bent. When you finish 4-6 rounds of this exercise do exercise #3 right after.

#6. Flexion in sitting. Sit on the edge of a chair with your feet flat on the floor wider than hip width apart. Let your hands rest between your knees. Slowly bend forward and touch the floor with your hands. Return to the starting position. Repeat six times, each time going lower. Follow with #3 immediately after.

#7. Flexion in standing (like Forward Fold). Stand upright with your feet hip width apart. Bend forward while running your fingers along the tops of your legs as far as you can go. Return to standing and repeat, trying to reach a bit further each time. Immediately follow with #3.

Posture

When sitting – keep the natural lordosis in the spine by using a lumbar roll or rolled up towel. I use whatever I can find when I sit, usually a rolled up towel. I have not purchased anything yet and am not sure I will since the towel works so well for me. I notice my posture is especially problematic when I drive or sit on our sofa. I don’t sit on our sofa anymore. When I drive I use a rolled up coat and have the seat lumbar position at its highest.

When sleeping – I don’t have issues when I sleep but some might. Sleeping on your back is best but only if you have a good mattress that allows for natural lordosis of the spine. You can also put a rolled up towel under your back but I can’t image this is comfortable. I have not needed to do anything for back sleeping. For side sleepers (like me), sleep with a pillow between your knees. I have a body pillow and have used it for years.

When Standing – Proper standing posture is with chest lifted, stomach pulled in and glutes (butt) tightened. If you find your shoulders sagging forward or lower back hurting you have likely lost proper posture. I use a standing desk and when my shoulders start to sag I do exercise #4 extension in standing and then take a short walk because when we walk our spine has natural lordosis (this is why movement is helpful for the pain).

All of this is just a summary of the book’s helpful aspects. It also includes info on what to do when the exercises don’t work, special situations such as pregnancy and common remedies and solutions. It is a short read of only 78 pages and contains detailed illustrations for reference.

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Strong Emotion, Vivid Dreams

I’ve been having vivid dreams for some time now. Many are emotional while others feel to be linked to a kind of life review going on behind the scenes of my life. In waking life, I’ve had similar, with emotions overflowing, brought on by family circumstances and higher than usual levels of stress.

This time of year it isn’t uncommon for me to have higher than usual spiritual and emotional activity in dreamtime as well as waking reality. Some years are worse than others. This year has been unusually intense – all year but especially since July/August.

Most recently I’ve been struggling with indicators all around me that I am “selfish”. I don’t doubt I am selfish and am not arguing against it, but the way it has been presented to me is in such a judgmental and critical way that it has been difficult to avoid upset. The main upset was that my mom told my husband that she has come to accept that I am nothing more than a child who thinks only about myself. To hear this (second hand) hurt horribly. Sure, that was the me from the past, but not the me in the present! I’ve grown by leaps and bounds. Yet to think that my mother still sees me as I was and not as I am, hurt.

The above is just one example. I have felt the burden of expectation to the extreme and it leaves me feeling that nothing I do will ever be enough. I am emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

Dream: Show Love to Be Love

I was touring a school (life, lessons) that I have seen in a dream before. The principal was trying to get me to work there. It was said in passing, “We know you like to be home early”, and I said I could stay later now, that my circumstances had changed. I was feeling and acting very positive though I never actually accepted the job offer.

Then I was speaking with others in a group. They were discussing plans regarding the school but it felt political, like many peoples’ lives would be impacted (Earth collective?). Something was said and my opinion was asked. I blurted out with passion, “It’s all about love! You have to show love to BE love.” The feelings I had were about how people in the group were looking to enact policy in their own interests and not really looking at how the greater population would be impacted. It was outrageous to me and at the same time horribly sad. I began to cry as I repeated the words over and over. Someone in the group came up and wrapped their arms around my shoulders and guided me outside. It felt like the group understood my upset.

I was taken to a small, raised garden (developing something meaningful) constructed of wood boards and filled with fresh, dark dirt. Someone had just piled the dirt in so that it came to a point in the middle of the beds. I sat on the edge of one of the beds with a small spade and began to cut deep into the soil. I cut in a grid pattern, making individual spots for seedlings to be planted. As I did this, I spoke with the women who had escorted me outside. I can’t remember our exact words but it was mostly about what I had said and how I was feeling. The more we talked, the more the grid pattern emerged. I looked across at an untilled section and saw a small, green shoot pushing through the dirt. I thought it odd because I hadn’t planted anything yet. I wondered who did.

I woke, still softly crying, and thinking, “I can’t love. It’s too hard.”

Then part of a song came to mind: “I can’t make you love me, if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” It occurred to me that love can’t be forced. It’s very nature isn’t forced. Hearing the song and understanding the meaning gave me relief.

Dream: Diastolic Blood Pressure

I arrived at a small clinic (healing) with a group of people. Someone thanked us for volunteering to be part of their study and me and about three other people were escorted into a waiting area. I remember being in the front of the group as we walked in and came to two, small doors about the size of doggy doors. I wondered where the regular doors were. I looked around and everything was bright white except for the door knobs and the outlines of wall panels where the shadows broke up the white. The people with me didn’t speak with me nor do I recall what they looked like. I remember wanting to get the tests over with.

A female nurse dressed in a white uniform with a light blue nametag came to a door that seemed to suddenly appear beside the two smaller ones. She explained that they were going to take blood samples and our blood pressure (ability to cope with stress). A male nurse stood behind her in the doorway.

I was first in line so I rolled over to three small stairs. The male nurse reached his hand towards me to help me up, saying, “Here, let me help you. I didn’t realize….” This is when I realized I was in a wheelchair (dependency, helplessness). I got up, the chair stuck to me, and walked up the stairs carrying it with me like it was a part of my body. My walk was stiff and slow as if I were in pain, but I felt no pain. The nurse, surprised, smiled and said, “Okay then.”

They escorted me to a bed draped in white. I sat down, my torso upright and my legs straight in front of me. A nurse came over with her things and began to do the tests. I can’t remember the exact tests, though. There was a slight worry about needles at one point and then another one about my nervousness in hospital settings.

Some time elapsed that I can’t recall. It felt like a long time and I felt myself popping back and forth between wherever I was and the dream scene. It gave me a slight dizzy feeling.

When they were done and I was allowed to leave, I asked for my BP numbers. The nurse told me they would be provided. It was then that I saw I was also dressed in white and had tubes and wires connected to me as if I had been admitted to the hospital. I walked over to the window where I asked the nurse again to share my BP. I told her I have had issues with it being high in clinical settings. She sat me down and looked me in the eye acting very serious. She said, “It seems your numbers like to jump around.” This made sense to me and I repeated that I get anxious. She said, “It is specifically your diastolic number.” I asked, “How high was it? When I was at the dentist it was 95.”

I woke up thinking “diastolic” and seeing the word in my mind. I wasn’t concerned, just worried I had forgotten which number (top or bottom) it was and that I might have gotten it wrong in the dream. I didn’t.

Diastolic: Referring to the time when the heart is in a period of relaxation and dilatation (expansion).

Diastolic – from the Greek diastole meaning “a drawing apart.”

Message Tie-In

I was watching an Amazon series last night called, “The Loop”. The episode I watched was called, “Stasis”. In it one of the main characters was thinking about how things don’t last in life. The good times are great, love is magical, everything feels special and amazing….then it’s just gone and you are left wondering, “What happened?” I have thought the same many times. It just feels like the effort isn’t worth it if it doesn’t last. Why put your heart into someone or something only to have it disappear and leave you with an empty feeling?

The series is funny because so far in all of them someone is wishing something and then they are given it in unexpected ways. This girl finds a device that freezes time and allows her to stretch out the moment as long as she wants. She ends up taking a boy there and they live out their romance in stasis. In the end, their relationships burns out despite them having the endless moment to themselves. She is depressed and sad later, going fishing with her father who asks her what’s wrong. She says her relationship is ending. He says, “Some things are special because they don’t last.”

To me, his statement was spot on: Bingo!

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A Spark

Another mediumship experience to share.

Target

I had to venture into Target again despite swearing I would stay away. Many of the big stores are going to pure self-checkout. They have few actual cashiers and I hate self-checkout. My favorite Target is now remodeled and no matter what time of day I visit there are way more people in there than I would like. It is just crowded now. 

I did my shopping singing a little song to myself to make myself feel better about all the sleep-walking people around me. When I got to the cashier line there were two cashiers to pick from (rare). I picked the lady I am familiar with. She always recognizes me and smiles, genuinely happy to see me. 

As usual we chatted as she checked me out. She’s older, maybe 70, and has similar views to my own about the city we live in and the changes going on around us. This time she told me she had been out a couple of days. When I asked why, she said she had been sick. Her son died on Labor Day and she has been struggling. She said she was the one who discovered his body. She went on to say she has been emptying his apartment in a rush to avoid paying another month’s rent and the landlord was nice enough to release them from paying for breaking the lease. She also relayed to me that she has his dog which offers her some comfort. Ultimately, her stomach was giving her problems so she had to take time off from work. I told her the body will force us to heal if we don’t listen to it. She agreed.

On my way out of the store I began to feel the emotion and by the time I was in the parking lot I was crying. Inside my car I sobbed. The woman was not showing any heightened emotion, so I doubt I was picking up on her emotion, but maybe. My immediate thought was that her son was close, maybe even following me out of the store.

I wanted to do something to help her, to show her I cared. I thought of taking her a card the next time I visited the store, maybe slipping a $100 bill inside. “Money can’t help her” was my immediate thought. No one should have to experience the loss of their child. 

Sometime in the night I awoke to use the restroom. My mind was still fuzzy with dreams. As I entered the bathroom I received a very vivid image of people standing in my periphery. The image was tunnel-like and back lit. There was one person at the front – a man who was somewhat short and round. There were two others behind him, only shadows in my memory now. I immediately knew he was the woman’s son. I acknowledged the man briefly, only partially conscious of the dialogue. The name “John” was relayed and as I returned to bed I worried I would not get to sleep because of his presence. As soon as I had the thought he retreated. Relieved, I thanked him and returned to sleep. 

All I am left with now are remnants of our conversation. His message was only that he was concerned about his mom and wanted her to know he was okay. The top message I received from Spirit is that they are not gone, just in another place – a much better place. I remember wondering how I could help. The woman didn’t ask me to connect. It was inappropriate to just tell her, “I’m a medium”. I could potentially write a note to her in the card that did not give away that I was directly communicating with her son. I remember that he told me about a song, one that was linked to him in life. I didn’t get details of the song. I was also reminded of how, when I first became aware of my gifts, I passed on messages all the time without anyone ever knowing I was directly communicating with Spirit. Perhaps I did already when I told the lady that I am sure her son is happy to know his dog is with her. Saying that made the woman smile. Perhaps it gave her a moment of relief? I hope so.

Mediumship

One of the most difficult parts of mediumship for me is the emotion. If the connection is strong I am usually overwhelmed to the point of tears. When giving a reading I don’t want to be a snotty, teary mess. I can’t speak and I need to in order to pass on the messages. I will get extremely hot as the emotion hits me. Sometimes I will actually feel how the person passed from this life – their physical body symptoms. Often I cannot control the violent shivers I experience from all the energy going through me. 

I don’t have to be giving a reading to have these “symptoms” of mediumship. In fact, I think most of the time I am picking up information even though I work very hard to block it. 

Lately I have been feeling extremely numb in general, so when the emotion hit me in the parking lot yesterday it was like night and day. When considering the memory of that experience I remember hearing that it is okay to feel and to be overwhelmed (cry uncontrollably). I know I have been conditioned not to cry – it means I’m “weak/vulnerable”. I also know from my K experiences that being open and vulnerable is a good thing.

As for why all this is happening now, I suppose it is inevitable. In fact, it might be the perfect storm for such gifts to resurface. 

A long time ago now I was wide-open and didn’t mind being that way. When an opportunity presented itself to pass on a message I took it. I learned some hard lessons, though. Most people are not open to receiving. Even now, with mediumship on T.V. and more people embracing it, there is resistance and skepticism. I think the biggest misconception is that a medium is able to get a crystal clear picture of their loved ones(s) and experiences them like a person in the physical world. That is not my experience and it is difficult, sometimes impossible, to get the names and other specifics requested. I’ve had people yell (and curse) at me and their loved ones in Spirit in frustration at not getting the answers they desire. Sigh.

For now it may only be that my gift of mediumship is serving to reconnect me with myself, that part of me that feels deeply and wants only to help ease the suffering of this world. My Light can spark the Light within others.  

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Dream: Invisible Me

Weird dreams last night. At least I have decent recall, which has not been the case for many months now.

Dream: Camping in Montana

I was lying on the ground with another woman sharing a blanket. Someone mentioned that there were mosquitoes and the blanket was too small to protect two people from their bites in the night. I repositioned the blanket and sure enough there wasn’t enough blanket to cover us both head-to-toe. I suggested we go into town the buy another one. The reply was that nothing would be open so late. I said, “Wal-Mart will be. They stay open until 11.” They looked surprised and I heard back, “You’re right, it is.” This is when I realized I had been talking to a man and woman. They left and when I got up to join them, they suggested I stay. I snuggled up under the blanket which covered me completely and went to sleep. 

While asleep I dreamed another dream in which I was sorting through some old boxes of things – memories and stuff saved over the years. I found old drawings I had created as part of contest submissions. They were pretty good with explanations of what inspired the drawings. I set them in the “keep” pile and I tossed a bunch of things that I did not want. Some items were my daughter’s supplies to make arts and crafts. I showed her a box full of her supplies – beads, yarn, booklets, unfinished creations. She happily took the stuff intending to finish some of what she started.

I was awakened by the return of the two who had gone to buy a blanket. The man tossed an oversized, button-up work shirt at me. He said, “Granddaddy said you can use this.” They hadn’t gone to the store but stopped to check if family had anything. I  wondered why they hadn’t just picked up a spare sleeping bag.

I took the large, gray shirt and saw it was more than big enough to protect me from biting mosquitoes. I thought of my grandfather briefly, remembering how much I loved him and missed him.

Everyone settled down to sleep for the night. I covered my top half with the oversized shirt and the man and woman snuggled up using most of the blanket but left me enough to cover my bottom half. For some reason I had in my hand a small vibrating object. I turned it on and it was quite loud. Not wanting to wake anyone, I turned it off but it still made a noise. I took it apart and it still made noise. I didn’t know why and was quite embarrassed but no one seemed to care.

The man to my left moved closer to me. I could feel his intention to initiate sex with me. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to sleep. Then I felt a velvety soft object shoved into my mouth. It was so wide that it barely fit and I felt somewhat gagged by it despite trying to accommodate it. I put my hand on it to investigate. The object was very obviously the man’s penis. What was odd was its size. It was wide but extremely nubby, like just a few inches tall and wide.

The man withdrew his penis and moved away laughing and looking over at me. The sense I got from him was that I was “the new woman” in the group and therefore he wanted to play with me (more like it as I felt like an object). He stood up and yelled at someone on the other side of me. This is when I noticed another couple. The other man stood up. He was wearing a plaid shirt and had a mustache. The man next to me told the other man, “It’s your turn”, and walked away.

I looked over at the other man. His energy was more pleasant and kind. I could sense he did not think of me as an object. He made no move in my direction. He just stared at me with compassion.

By this time the other women in the group were waking up and the sun was rising. I noticed a large oak tree that I hadn’t seen before was in the middle of our camp. My focus shifted to the man in plaid who was talking to me about Montana politics. I remember telling him that I had lived in Montana before so I knew very well what it was like. I mentioned living in the city, though, and not in small town, rural Montana. I also told him I loved it there but left because of the harsh winters. I reiterated that I hated the winters. 

One of the woman in the group was being very friendly with me. She had short, boy-cut blonde hair and was quite petite. She began to climb up into the oak tree. Seeing her up the tree, I followed, climbing quickly, racing to get higher up in the tree. I stood above her smiling down at her as if saying, “I win!” The energy between us felt playful. 

Dream: Invisible Me

This dream occurred early in the morning hours. 

I was at the monthly financial planning meeting for our company sitting at a table with the others in attendance. To my left was a young boy who I didn’t recognize. I felt very unprepared for the meeting since I had no memory of having it on my schedule. 

Across from me was the old CFO. She was running the meeting, which was suppose to be my job. I said nothing and just sat there letting her take charge and feeling useless. The boy next to me grabbed my water bottle and took a sip. I said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I’ve been sick.” He gave me a horrified looked and put the bottle down. This is when I noticed the top was closed. I laughed and said, “Good thing it’s closed. You took a sip thinking it was yours out of habit didn’t you?” He nodded.  

When the meeting adjourned we all left together. We approached a black SUV with super dark tinted windows. On the ground in front of the SUV, as if someone had dropped it, were two objects. One was a black eye patch. I almost reached down to get it but left it there and climbed into the back of the SUV.

Inside I felt very awkward. I couldn’t see out the windows and it was extremely dark inside. Sitting across from me looking out the window was my friend from high school. I was excited to see her and said something casually to her, something witty to make her laugh. She completely ignored me. I felt invisible and became acutely aware that I had something on my forehead. Again, I said something to my friend. She turned momentarily, gave me an annoyed look, and stared back out the window. This time I felt humiliated, small and insignificant. Again I felt something stuck to my forehead. Annoyed, I put my hand to my forehead to get whatever it was off of it. It peeled off like a huge sticker. I saw clearly that it was a used sanitary pad.

I remember thinking how sad it was that even with something so gross and horrifying on my forehead I was still invisible to everyone. They were happy to talk at me and expected I listen intently to them, but when I spoke to them, they didn’t hear me. Looking at the used sanitary napkin in my hand, I realized I had a lot in common with it. 

I began to cry and woke up with tears slowly trickling out of my eyes. 

Invisible

Trying to return to sleep, I lay in bed contemplating my dream. I concluded that it was probably best I speak as little to others as possible. What is the point of speaking when I am not heard or seen? Besides, most people react to my voice in a negative way anyway. I’ve had people flinch from the sound of my voice. I’ve been told to “stop yelling” despite speaking as softly as I can. The annoyance I often feel from people is exactly like the feeling I had in the above dream. From the first dream I think mosquito = annoyance = how most people feel about me.

I thought of the Montana dream and how I was perceived as an object to be used and tried on like a new pair of shoes. It felt true, especially of the men who I’ve been in relationships with in this lifetime. They are intrigued by me, want to try me out, and then grow bored with their new toy when I do not provide them with whatever it is they are seeking. Some keep me around out of some kind of extreme loyalty or sense that it is the “right thing to do”, but the reality is they aren’t interested in me when the shine wears off. So often in relationships I feel unseen and unheard. When I speak, my words seem to cut into the other no matter how much I try and soften them, either that or they don’t hear anything. 

I thought back to years ago when an old acquaintance met me for lunch. She was far from home and invited me, which was a surprise to me. She had never liked me. In fact, she told me outright I made her uncomfortable and she was suspicious of my motives. I never quite understood why she felt this way and then to invite me to lunch? Very odd. 

The entire meal I was anxious because I was going through a rough patch in my life. I don’t remember what we talked about specifically now but I believe she advised me on my difficulties. In reflecting on that memory, I suspect my aura made her uncomfortable. She probably thought I could perceive something she wanted kept hidden. I didn’t, but then I never looked. She has never contacted me again, which is okay, but I feel bad that she distrusted me. I can’t help it. It feels like I did something wrong just by being who I am and that is a feeling I’ve had my entire life. 

I concluded that the best thing for me to do is stay clear of other people as much as possible. If I have to be around others, then I should speak as little as possible and only at their request.

I cried a lot on my morning walk because of these dreams. It hurts to be invisible.

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Dream Encounter: Mediumship Request

Good news! My sciatica is not bothering me anymore. In fact, yesterday, after waking up stiff with a little pain in my hip, I went on my morning walk as usual. Afterwards I felt wonderful. No pain or stiffness at all! This lasted throughout the entire day until around 9pm when some pain/stiffness returned. I did do a workout for the lower body but was very careful what exercises I selected. For example, I did one wall sit and it began to aggravate my hip so I stopped. Any exercise where I bend at the waist is a no-go.

The end of the pain brought my spirits up quite a bit. I was laughing and joking around at dinner. Lately, by dinner time, the pain is bothering me enough that I am a bit cranky. 

In researching the stages of sciatica from a herniated disc (which is what I think I have) I learned that the stiffness stage is the last one. So, the end is in sight! I was worried I would have this pain for the rest of my life. It is doable but super annoying and not something I want to live with!

In considering what led me to this pain, I had the incident in June that, at the time, I think aggravated my sacroiliac joint. I was doing cable squats with a light weight and decided to go ATG (ass to ground). Well, I felt an odd sensation in my lower back/sacrum. It was mild and more like something shifted or popped. The rest of my workout went fine but the next two days I suffered from such bad pain in my sacrum that I had to lay on a heating pad to find any relief. 

The pain didn’t last long and then vanished. I returned to my workouts but did mostly body weight and cardio circuits. My research said to lay off the weight bearing exercises, so I did. This strategy worked and I was able to return to weight bearing exercises – perhaps too soon. 

This pain began similarly to before with pain across my sacrum but then moved from right side to left side and then down my leg, etc. It has been around 7 weeks since the initial pain started, which is right around the time my research indicated sciatica pain lasts. I am relieved. I am still going to take it easy, just in case. I don’t want another flare up.

If I go back to when I returned from Costa Rica in 2021 then I can see that I Knew that I needed to slow down in terms of weight bearing activity. I had decided to sell off most of my gym equipment but then changed my mind out of sheer boredom of not having anything to do with the long stretches of time in my daily schedule. I should’ve sold off the squat rack and cable machine like I had planned. I wouldn’t have injured my S5/L1, the area of my back my research indicated I most likely injured. 

I probably won’t sell off the gym equipment anytime soon because I am not motivated to do so at this time. My motivation is just low in general these days.

Dream Encounter: Mediumship Request

I have been sleeping very deeply and having lots of dreams. Most I just toss upon waking rather than try and interpret. There was one last night that caught my attention, though. The dream is hazy except for a few parts where I gained lucidity. 

Lucidity peaked suddenly when I began to experience hypnagogia. My vision filled with an intensely bright, white light. The light strobed from dim to brighter and seemed like it was trying to pull me out-of-body. I recognized the cues despite there being no vibration. At first I was eager to follow the light and then I unexpectedly changed my mind. I remember saying, “No. I don’t want this.” The light stopped and I sensed a presence near me.

The presence I sensed was a woman in spirit requesting that I pass on a message to her sister for her. She had recently passed away and wanted to reassure her sister that she was okay. I think she and her sister were identical twins because I recall her showing me what her sister looked like and then looking to the Spirit and noticing they looked the same. What I saw was a fairly young woman (20s-30s) with blonde hair and somewhat angular features. The woman’s spirit was transparent and very bright white. The light was radiating off of her. She was so bright one might easily misidentify her as an angel, but I didn’t. I knew she was Spirit.

Ultimately, I told the woman in spirit I wasn’t interested. She persisted and I began to feel crowded and pressured. She wouldn’t go away. Eventually I communicated that she needed to go and surrounded myself in protection, asking to be surrounded by my guides and angels. She finally got the message and departed. I woke up briefly thinking it odd and fell back to sleep.

In considering the dream encounter, it is odd to me that I would reject the experience like I did. I am guessing either I sensed something was “off” or I have just completely lost interest in mediumship – or both. 

Spirit can be very persistent to the point of putting uncomfortable feelings and emotions on me in an attempt to get me to pass on messages to their loved ones still in bodies. I’ve had some get extremely pushy like this one. The end result is that I effectively cut them off by blocking them from my energy. It’s one thing to ask for help and another to try and force it. Attempts like that will NOT be tolerated. 

I feel for the woman in Spirit, though. If she is indeed an identical twin, then the bond would be such that the her twin is likely suffering a huge loss, one that potentially could lead to her ending her life prematurely. I hope this isn’t the case. Since I do not know of any twins in my waking life, there is really nothing I can do without the living twin first contacting me. 

Theme: Mating 

I am still enjoying my new 15x macro lens for my Iphone. In a previous post I shared some of my photos. Some were of stink bugs mating. Well, last night I found two moths mating in my pantry. lol Add that to the encounter with the couple having sex in their car (twice) and it seems like mating is a theme, perhaps conveying a message.

The stink bugs could be a message that something “stinks” and often symbolizes protection and seeing what was previously unseen. Moths are symbolic of shadow work, hidden knowledge and transformation. 

The issue with the couple appears to have been handled. I’ve not seen them since the last time so I can only assume the police caught up with them. I am further convinced this is the case because I’ve seen random police SUVs patrolling our neighborhood. 

I’ve not figured out the message of this theme yet. It could be shadow work occurring at unconscious levels. I will leave it at that for now. 

Here’s the moth couple. 😉

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Dream: I’ll Fly Away

The last six weeks have been odd energy-wise and otherwise. Ever since I had Covid mid-July I’ve been dealing with odd, sciatica-like pain that migrates from one location in my hip/leg area to another and a lowered immune system. All last week I struggled to sleep, as did my oldest son, and we both came down with the same thing. So, I am currently getting over a nasty head cold (no not Covid), but at least now I am sleeping!

The major issue has been a pain in the butt (and leg). The pain started out as sacroiliac pain. Then it migrated to my right side and down my leg/ankle which lasted only a few days. Then the pain just went to above my knee. I had a friend do distance healing which got rid of the pain on the right side but then it migrated to the left side!

The pain is not severe, just super annoying. I can do all the things I need/want to do. In the mornings it is practically non-existent but by night time it is at its worst. I would say a 5 out of 10 with 10 being the worst pain ever. Usually I am just more careful with how I get up or sit down as that is the only time it hurts. Once I am in bed, it goes away and by morning it is gone except for a little tightness.

It definitely muscular. Thinking it is a tight piriformis putting pressure on the sciatic nerve. So, I have been doing frequent stretching and yoga.

All this happened right around my birthday. So I guess old age has finally found me. Sigh.

For the past week I’ve been asking for healing before bed. I’ve had some odd dreams, too! In one I was going down straw-like tunnels into rooms below ground. The first couple of tunnels were like water slides without water. I eventually came into a room where there was a birthday party celebration. I was offered hamburgers and hotdogs but I wanted to keep going. I was shown where I would need to go next. It was a similar tube “slide” but it went up for a bit and twisted around back down. I took one look and said, “I’m not doing that. I’ll just stay right here.” A voice said to me as I began to wake up, “All you have to do is let go of control.” I woke up thinking the tubes were the meridians of my energy body. One of them is a hum dinger and very scary! lol

So far, the healing has not been physical.

Below is what I got last night when I asked for healing.

Dream: Stop Running

I was walking and suddenly there appeared next to me a man. He put out his hand and I reached for it. I knew who it was. We walked together holding hands for a short distance and then he let go and began to run. I followed after, yelling at him to stop. I noticed he was struggling to breathe, taking huge gasps of air and losing strength for lack of oxygen. When I caught up to him I pushed on his back as I said, “Stop running and breathe. Take deep breaths, like this…” I demonstrated deep breathing, urging him to breathe with me. 

He lurched upward and took off running again, throwing me off his back. I ran after him, urging him to stop and breathe. He slowed, tired. Eventually he collapsed to the ground. Again I asked him to breathe and demonstrated. He lay there, exhausted, and breathed with me. 

As we breathed together I remember feeling his body relax. I was pressed up against him, hugging him from behind holding his hand. We talked about how he needed to stop running. I remember just laying with him for a long time, breathing in sync. Somehow I ended up under him. I only know this because when I let go of his hand and reached around him to hug him I could feel the sway of his back. I lifted up his shirt and slowly brushed his skin. It was warm and felt very real, not like a dream at all. I could feel him do the same to me. I could feel him breathing with me, relaxing, and could sense his exhaustion.

We lay together like this for a while, talking. I don’t recall what we talked about but I do remember crying.

Our conversation eventually morphed into a dream. One minute I was laying with him, the next I was in a dream about some contest. The winners had been announced with prize money awarded. I only recall that I walked around looking at various people I didn’t know as I talked with him. Then I heard him say, “I could use the money”. It felt like he was financially strapped. I woke up, eyes still wet from tears. 

Dream: I’ll Fly Away

When I woke I was sad. I lingered in bed a while, thinking of how I should’ve or could’ve done things differently but knowing they happened just as they were meant to happen. 

When I returned to sleep I was surrounded by my family. My grandmother (deceased) was there as well as others both living and long dead. I don’t remember what we did, only that, at the end of the dream, I went into my bathroom and began to brush my hair. I remember looking at myself and smiling as I brushed my hair. I looked like I do now but my hair was a bit darker and my face younger. I felt very peaceful.

As I brushed I sang a familiar gospel song: 

Some glad morning when this life is o’er,
I’ll fly away;
To a home on God’s celestial shore,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

I’ll fly away, Oh Glory
I’ll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I’ll fly away (I’ll fly away).

I sang the song different than normal, putting my own spin on it. I woke up after I finished singing it, wondering what my grandmother would think of it. 

In a past life, one where I died in 1963, this song was sung to me on my deathbed by my loving family. I flew away from this cold, harsh world, the voices of my loved ones lifting me up to heaven. 

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Emotional Dream: Rebuild

Had healing dreams last night and woke up in tears from one. I’m not really surprised because I asked for healing prior to sleep and also asked what I needed to do.

Dream: Rebuild

I don’t remember many details now except that I was walking down a hallway with someone who was holding my hand. The hallway was brightly lit with a main wall to my right that was so high I could not see the top. The wall had a massive screen upon it that seemed not to have an end to it.

My companion and I were in deep conversation about my experiences with my heart connection. The words we spoke translated into songs in the dream and I could hear the music and the lyrics, though both are lost to memory now. To my right the screen played images and shed a golden light upon us.

The song spoke of how broken I felt inside, of the utter destruction of my heart. The visual of a forest that had been destroyed from above is prominent, the trees nothing but burned stumps of various heights, the ground scorched, the sky grey. Tears streamed down my face as the song and imagery played through my entire Beingness. The desolation within re-experienced yet again, as if to remind me there is no way to hide. 

The song spoke of letters being written. I remember hearing the word “letters” distinctly. The communication between parts, both within and without, was my understanding. I was reminded of the past and all the communication between us. I had saved all the emails only to one day find them all deleted and irretrievable. 

The love I felt returned to me. I remember saying, “I’ve never loved someone like that.” It was so clear, so obvious, so completely correct. At the time it felt like my entire purpose in this human body and lifetime was to experience that love. So when it became clear I was wrong, that everything I felt to be true was false, it decimated my heart.

The song continued and blended into another. The song, “Angel” came to mind in the dream, though the melodies and lyrics did not match. 

I asked a question about what could be done. It was clear from the visual of the destruction that there was no way to recover what had been lost. The answer I had upon waking was “rebuild” or “rebirth”, the two seemed as one word. In other words, I would have to start from scratch.

Considerations

Upon waking I had to wipe the tears from my eyes repeatedly. I couldn’t stop crying and even when I returned to sleep I would awaken from a wet pillow. 

There were other dreams in the night but none so emotional as this one. Since it was at the beginning of the night, by morning the emotion and desolated feeling are now undetectable. 

I vaguely recall talking about the path to rebuilding my shattered heart. It was only through love that it could be healed. Divine Love. The very love that I desire but also fear and dread. 

“Angel“

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

by

Healing Heart Bliss

Wonderful sleep last night and heart healing dreams.

Dream: Missing High Heart 

I was in a reclined position. My friend Angela and someone else were hovering over me. Angela was closest and had her hands positioned over my chest. I could see her face distinctly. She was smiling. She gently touched high up on my chest. Where her hands touched my skin it felt almost like two distinct bumps with a deep channel between them. My breasts? I don’t think so. I winced because it was tender. It felt like sore muscles after a workout. She said to me, “You’re missing your High Heart.” Both she and the other individual worked on my heart space. I could feel the energy of the healing. I remember knowing the importance of what they were doing.

Dream: Heart Bliss

Another dream scene came before this one but I will only touch upon it. I was a child in an elementary classroom setting with other children. I remember a man coming to pick me up.

The man drove. I remember looking over at him and knowing him. He had light hair of a dark blonde color. His facial features are lost to me now, but he was familiar and if I saw him again I would recognize him. A deep connection existed between us. It was not a father connection, for I was not a child any longer. It was familial, though. 

We drove along a paved road through a hilly residential area. The area was familiar to me. I had been there before and even now I can recall a past dream of the place. The man spoke to me about land for sale in the area. I saw in my mind a map of all the parcels up for sale. The lots were distinguishable by large, green rectangles outlined in white. Their price tags were high, each in the millions of dollars. 

The man said, “Do you remember when they were $14,000 dollars?” I turned to look at him and nodded yes, I did. In considering his question, I realized then the history between myself and the man. We had known each other for countless human lifetimes but in that moment it felt like I had last seen him just yesterday. My heart began to overflow with love for him. He asked me, “Do you think this (heart bliss, divine love) is less valuable then that (millions of dollars/material gain)?” 

His question seemed to float around in my consciousness as if teasing me to fixate on it. I ignored it momentarily, caught up in the heart bliss. I thought, “THIS is what I want.” Unfortunately, the thought woke me but the heart bliss remained, swirling subtly in my chest. I heard a male voice say, “I love you.” I smiled and lingered in the bliss as long as I could. I didn’t move my physical body because, if I moved, it would “break the spell” and the bliss would evaporate.

I said to the man, whose energy I could still distinctly sense, “I want to feel this way (the bliss) all the time.” He said, “It is yours. It’s always there.” I wondered who the man was. He felt like a guide but then also something else. I didn’t linger on the question, though, and enjoyed the bliss as long as I could.

Considerations

I tried to return to sleep so that I could recaptured the bliss, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I fell into other odd dreams related to current life issues. Not what I had hoped for at all.

I woke up early so I lay in bed thinking of the healing dreams. I think the absence of my High Heart is significant. High Heart = living your personal truth. This is a good article about the High Heart. 

In contemplating the message from that dream, it resonates. I have been wondering about my purpose. I feel pointless with no direction (again). I was also recently sick with Covid when I am usually a very healthy person who rarely, if ever, gets sick. My life has seemed full of discord lately, also. Things are just not lining up like they should; disconnected.

The last dream was wonderful! The heart bliss is beyond beautiful to experience and I miss it very much. There is nothing I want more in this world to feel consistently. Sadly, it is a rare experience.

Then there is the question the man asked me. Basically he is asking me what is worth more to me – money or love? Honestly, in this lifetime, I have chosen money over love but only because the love I have experienced most has not been real love but love of the human kind (distorted). If offered love of the divine kind the choice would be a no brainer. I’d choose love. It felt as if the man were warning me that there will come a time when I will have to choose. Will I choose love and turn my back on “millions”? What would you do?