Category Archives: Healing

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Time for a Little Change


I’ve been working on changing things up. As the featured image says, you can’t get different results by doing the same thing over and over. So I figured changing up my routine might work. I have to find new things to do, things outside what is my norm. Mix life up a bit. I will have to figure it out on my own, too, because it is clear my guidance isn’t going to help. 

Daily Yoga

For the past three weeks I’ve practiced yoga daily for 20-35 minutes. I decided to change up my routine for various reasons but mostly because I have been feeling rushed, stressed and overly emotional. There are moments in life when something’s gotta give and this was one of them.

During the first week I dropped my normal exercise routine completely. I’d already whittled it down to three days a week for 45 minutes without experiencing any relief. I also started going on daily 1-2 mile walks beyond just my normal dog walking.

That first week I was so tight and sore! OMG! My entire body hurt. I had muscles hurting I didn’t know I had. And as someone who weight trains that was a big surprise. Ha! I remember thinking, “Isn’t yoga suppose to make me less tight and sore?”.

The second week the soreness began to fade along with the tightness. I continued to go on daily long walks and added in two days of bodyweight circuit training (10-20 minutes total). This was mainly to keep good heart health by getting my heart rate in the aerobic range, which yoga doesn’t do.

Last week, the third week, I added light weights to my circuits (heart health again) and increased the number of workouts to three days a week while continuing my daily yoga practice.

I intend to keep up the daily yoga. It fits perfectly into my schedule. I take my dog for his morning walk and then do my yoga. The rushed, overly stressed/emotional me has disappeared. Instead I feel more balanced and calm. I find myself enjoying the little moments and my body feels good!

Three weeks of yoga =
Better sleep
Calmer
Less anxious
Less tense (in mind and body)

Energetic Shift or Something Else?

This last week there have been other changes, too. IDK for sure if it due to yoga or something else. I heard there was a solar storm, so maybe that’s part of it? Whatever the cause, I’ve been having some odd physical issues.

My resting heart rate, which is usually pretty low due to my physical fitness, is getting super low at times. Typically it will dip into the high 50’s when I sleep. No biggie, but last week it was as low as 40 during sleep and started happening during the day! Along with the low heart rate I have been having dizzy spells that come on suddenly. For example, one time I was doing the dishes and felt like I was going to fall into the sink. I had to brace myself momentarily and wait for the feeling to pass (which it did and fast). I also felt fuzzy in my head, like being high. Similarly, one morning after yoga (two days ago now), I was hit with the same odd “high” feeling and then my legs felt unsteady under me, like they weren’t my legs at all. I had to sit down immediately and wait for it to pass. I checked my heart rate – 40bpm. That entire day I felt “off”.

Today I’ve not had a low heart rate but the weird “high” feeling has been with me all day. It is only recently that it disappeared and that was only after I did over an hour of energizing breathwork (think Breath of Fire). Honestly, I didn’t expect to feel so amazing after the breathwork. The fog lifted, my energy stabilized and I feel better.

I’ve also been feeling really groggy when I wake up and my dreams have been unique, to say the least. I experienced the Kundalini in a new way – again. The K never disappoints, that’s for sure! Ha! I may post the dream experience at some point, but I think for now I will just say that the energy of the Kundalini seems to be balancing out and syncing with my physical body’s energy. If that even makes sense. As usual, it was pure awesomeness. I am completely amazed and blown away.

Is it the daily yoga or something else? IDK but I’m going to continue the yoga regardless. If it makes the K crazy then I’ll just tone it down and do Hatha yoga or something.

Exploring Options

I’ve been looking at ways to get myself “out there” (as in around people) again. The breathwork I mentioned above is part of that effort. I returned to Meetup after over a decade to scroll through the various groups in my area looking for one (or two) that I might want to join. I wasn’t looking for anything specifically, really, just checking out the local groups and getting use to using the app.

I stumbled upon a local breathwork group and felt an inner “YES” that pulled me to explore it further. I ended up finding past Zoom recordings and listened to one on a whim, hoping, if anything, it would help the weird zombie feeling I’ve had all day. It was energizing breathwork and it did not disappoint! They meet via Zoom every Sunday but I will probably just use the recordings until there is a Sunday when my house environment is better suited. Kids at home = noise and distraction. Not very good for pranayama (breathwork) and meditation. If they had an in-person meet-up I’d be there for sure, but they don’t.

There are other groups I’m considering but none of them has called to me like the “Breathe” group.

What is interesting to me is that it is Meetup that helped me connect to a Shamanic Healing group years ago when I had just stumbled into my spiritual awakening. I learned so much and met some wonderful people, people I still keep in touch with at times. Who knows, maybe something similar could happen again? And you know what is strange? I’m not against that happening. In fact, I hope it does.

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Dream: Time to Refuel

Life continues to keep me busier than usual. Spring typically brings lots of “new” and it is in full swing here in Texas. My daughter just had her 14th birthday yesterday (yay!) – the same day as the full moon eclipse! This week is full of preparations for the end of the school year which is just eight school days away and hopefully very soon I will be in the office training a new AP Manager (yippie!) to take over the majority of my duties. Next week my husband is leaving for a nine day motorcycle road trip with his brother which coincides with the last week of school – class parties, 5th and 8th grade graduation (I have both this year) and a choir concert to boot. No rest for the weary, I guess!

In all my busyness I don’t get much time to just be. It is obvious that I need stop and b.r.e.a.t.h.e. Even my dreams say so!

Dream: Time to Refuel

I was at mom’s house. My brother was there but he looked young, around 12yrs. We were going out to eat, to breakfast I think since that was the kind of food I saw in my mind. We headed to my car, climbed in and left for town.

On the way my mom pointed to the car’s gauges and said, “Looks like you’ll need to stop and get gas”. I looked at the fuel gauge and at first thought it showed full but upon closer inspection saw it was indeed at empty. For some reason “empty” was interpreted as “completely full” in my mind. I told her that it shouldn’t need gas based upon when I last filled it. I also said, “I haven’t driven it much. Someone must’ve siphoned gas from it”. I was confused, looking back in my memory for trips I’ve taken to try and make sense of the information. The only thing that made sense was that someone stole the gas, especially since stealing gas has been common lately with the high gas prices.

I recall the road I drove on was curvy and it was dark outside. The sense was that it was not close to dawn but closer to midnight.

Then we were in a hotel room in a large bed. My mom and brother were on my right. I was laying on my back feeling very relaxed and easily drifting off.

This is when the dream became more lucid. I could feel my body, how heavy and relaxed it was. I could feel how I was positioned – on my back, arms by my side, legs straight. I was so relaxed I could feel my jaw release and my mouth open. As I lay there, an energy swept over me that was familiar. It came with a slight sensation of falling. The energy moved through me in waves from feet to head and then head to feet. It was a wonderful, relaxed feeling and one I was keen to continue to fall deeper into.

This is when I felt someone lightly touching my legs. The sensation of touch went slowly up from my ankle towards my hips; sensual message. It felt wonderful and I relaxed into it. When I tried to sense who it was, there was no one there.

As I began to recognize I was likely in that in-between state where I could shift OOB, I heard voices to my right. My brother had woken way too early and was climbing around, talking and full of energy. I ignored it and focused back on the wonderfully heavy feeling. Again, I could feel the sensual massage, this time originating near my hip and moving down my thigh. I felt a bit embarrassed as I felt the sensation go over my thigh but pushed the thought away. It didn’t matter. I sent mental encouragement to whomever was helping me, urging them to continue.

Then I was hit on the top of my head by something. Turning, I saw my brother climbing around, unable to stay still in his eagerness to embrace the new day. I sighed and heard my mom tell him to get out of the bed. “Go get ready”, she said. I remember complaining. “It’s too early to wake up. It’s 5am.”

I focused my attention back on the heavy energy, encouraging it to return. It did but every time I focused on relaxing, the dream would interrupt – a voice, a bump, a distraction of some sort. In fact, noises from my own home began to intrude – our dog barked, my boys talking, the sound of footsteps.

When I finally woke up, I was laying in my own bed just as I had been laying in the dream. My mouth was extremely dry from being wide open for so long. I rarely sleep like that!

Considerations

I lingered in bed as long as I could. I didn’t want to get up and leave the warm, heaviness of slumber. I heard my guidance and said, “I want to sleep forever.” In our conversation I mentioned not wanting to deal with the events of the coming day. I had no interest. Sleep was so much better. My guidance reminded me of how fleeting my time here is and that “sleep”, which I so loved, would also end with this life. I saw he had a point and acknowledged it.

The dream symbolism seems to indicate that I am feeling “empty” but not really acknowledging the fact. Instead, I interpret the fuel tank as completely full. My mom (my wiser, maternal self) has to remind me I need to fill up.

Hotels are symbolic of shifts in personal identity; a new state of mind. It’s an indicator that I need to move away from old habits and ways of thinking. It may also indicate that I am seeking a reprieve from my normal, daily life. The interruption by my brother is representative of the interruptions of life. My children and responsibilities towards them come to mind.

The sensual massage was likely my desire to relax and enjoy being touched. One of my favorite ways to relax is through touch. Regular massage is good for easing aches and pains, but sensual massage is much more relaxing IMO. When I was a small girl my grandmother would often help me relax by lightly stroking my spine up and down. I would immediately settle.

The overall message seems to be that I need to pay attention and move away from the old into “the new”. At the very least it could indicate that I should go on another vacation. 🙂

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Healing and Dealing

I’ve not been posting much lately. There are a few reasons for this. The first is I’ve had no desire to do so. The next is that I’ve been super busy with life. The last is the consideration that some things I post are too personal and it may be time to keep them to myself.

Since around mid-March I’ve been going through a healing phase. Mostly the healing occurs during dreamtime and, though I’m aware that it is going on because I often wake in tears or with a guide close by, I have been paying little attention. I mentioned this when I posted about my recent trip to Mexico and the pattern continues. I keep thinking, “I’ll post about it when this phase is complete” because, usually, the way I perceive things shifts dramatically after some time has passed and I’ve had time to recover from all the intense purging. I thought for sure the healing would stop but it hasn’t. The only change is that I am more aware of what the healing involves and why it is happening.

The dreams I’m having continue to incite emotion ranging from tears with an unknown cause to intense sobbing with a full understanding of why. The more aware I’ve become of the healing occurring in dreamtime, the more I seem to remember upon waking. Many of the most intensely emotional dreams are the result of dream encounters with two people from the not-so-distant past (since 2014). Mixed in with these encounters are dreams where I am teaching and working with children. These dreams appear to be counseling sessions exploring my future options in regards to career path.

And the healing isn’t limited to dreamtime. When I wake my days are also emotional, just in a different way. I’ve only just realized my waking life is a continuation of what is occurring in my dreams. I cry more often, especially when I speak my Truth. I’m noticing signs despite not really looking for them.

For example, on a morning walk not long ago, a neighbor was having a moving sale. My husband happened to be walking with me that morning and wanted to buy some tools. He had to leave in a hurry, so I went back to pay only to be invited into the house to see what else was for sale. Turns out, the woman moving was selling a ton of metaphysical and spiritual items. She had an entire room devoted to this which I was immediately drawn to. It wasn’t long before the two of us were chatting about all the things we had in common. I discovered she is a Reiki Master Teacher and gave healing in her home. The room was full of crystals and I told her, “I could stay in this room forever,” as I choked back tears. We talked for about two hours and I ended up buying as many of her things as I could. Since this encounter I’ve turned an entire room of my house into a reading/art/music/mediation room in an attempt to re-create the energy I felt in her healing room.

Other signs are all around me, all pointing to the same thing, “Change”. I often feel panicked when I notice the signs because of how numerous they can be. In one day I might have four or five while other days there are none (that I notice). Add these messages in with the dreamwork I’ve been doing and you can image how I’ve been feeling!

During times like these (healing, greater Knowing), I can be spontaneous. This is what happened when I went to the moving sale. I had no clue what I would do with all the items I purchased, I just Knew I needed them. I ended up with a massage table, a new deck of tarot cards, crystals, pillows, chimes…the list goes on. Then I just Knew I needed to transform a space in my house to create a space for these items to live and I got right to it.

The new space in progress – after furniture was moved out and spiritual items were moved in.
The new healing space. Plenty of room to set up the massage table or do yoga.

I’ve had another feeling (Knowing) and that is to quit my job and do something else. The thing is that the situation is a complicated mess in so many ways. One, I have no idea what the something else IS that I will do. Two, my accounts payable duties and responsibilities are known only by me and to just up and leave would put the company at risk. I would need to train someone to take over. That is the responsible thing to do, anyway.

I also have my husband pushing back. He doesn’t want me to leave the company. So while I am trying to exit stage right he is attempting to put me into a position of higher responsibility. I’ve been telling him I’m overwhelmed, not enjoying my job, and feeling the weight of all the added responsibility. I even requested an assistant. I got approval on my request for an assistant but it has been on hold for weeks now because he hasn’t pushed the paperwork through to HR. Instead, I’m being asked to come into the office every day to receive training on my new duties.

It can feel like I’m getting nowhere. Some days it is very difficult to resist the urge to quit. Really difficult.

It was only recently that I recognized some of my impulsive urges may be a return to the past and how I was feeling then. The feelings may have nothing at all to do with present time. Nothing. Since then the urges have lessened, replaced with a sense that all is happening as it should and to let things unfold.

And finally, I am just really, really busy lately! It seems like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I want to do – what I enjoy. This is partially due to putting in more office hours (versus working from home), but also life just happens. It seems like every weekend there is some event we have to go or some plan made that I forgot about. Then there are the irritating life hiccups that come along like discovering fraud on our checking account necessitating closing the account, opening a new one and directing all ACH bill payments to the new account. OMG it’s been a PITA. When I found out I took it well but not before taking a break to just scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. Surprisingly, it made me feel a ton better. lol

Featured photo: Card draw I did for myself with my new deck – The Crystal Ally Cards.

Message for Card #1. Question: What should I do in regards to my current situation?
Message of card #2. Question: How do I speak my truth?
Message of card #3. Question (request): I need more guidance.
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No Emotion to High Emotion

My emotions lately are either non-existent or full-on. Some days I feel so numb I wonder if something is wrong with me. Other days I break down in tears or wake up crying from emotional dreams. Numbness is more familiar to me and so easier to manage, except lately it has been really noticeable to the point that I’ve wondered what is going on.

My best guess is that I’m doing work at deeper levels, hidden from my waking awareness except in moments when it bubbles up. 

My dreams are giving me a glimpse of what’s going on but it is fleeting. 

Dream: Buried Puppy

For example, this morning I woke from a dream in tears with full knowledge of what I was being shown. In the dream I was talking to two very small puppies, no more than a few weeks old. One was upset because he hadn’t been able to make things right with his father. His father was my uncle. I promised the puppy that I would help him as best I could so I took the puppy to my uncle and asked him to listen and let bygones be bygones. My uncle took the puppy, turned around grumbling something, and walked away. I followed, worried by my uncle’s reaction. To my horror, my uncle quickly dug a hole in rocky soil, placed the puppy inside and covered it with rock and soil. I rushed to the aid of the puppy who was calling out from the hole apologetically. I frantically removed the soil trying to get to the puppy asking my uncle, “Why did you do that!?” I could feel both the emotion of the puppy and the emotion of my uncle. Both were equally upsetting.

When I woke I was sobbing, overcome with the emotion of the two individuals in my dream. It was clear to me that both my uncle and the puppy (my cousin) had similar emotions. They were hurt and angry. My uncle was so hurt by his son that he had blocked all emotion to the point that his heart had hardened. My cousin was so hurt by his father’s rejection of him that he had become similarly hardened. Underneath I could feel the source – mounds of grief at the loss of someone very loved. 

Feeling what they felt, I understood. It was so clear to me that had they just communicated honestly with one another, so much hurt could’ve been avoided. Instead, they both acted out, conditioned in life to reject certain emotion as a weakness (crying and being vulnerable, specifically).

I remembered how my mom reacted to her own emotion in similar ways. As did my grandfather. My mom would get horribly irritable, saying mean things and avoiding eye contact. One day I saw her hurt through her anger and hugged her. She cried as I hugged her, saying, “Why are you hugging me!? You’re making me cry!” She has often told me that she hates crying because of how it makes her feel, look and act (unable to talk, red nose and face, snot, etc). My grandfather would just pull away. Once he was closer to death he began to let the emotion through.

As my uncle gets older I see his emotional side, too. He still has not let go of the pain of his relationship with his son, though. He wears it like a badge and uses it as justification of his actions. In the dream he buries his son, which I think is symbolic of his beliefs that his son is a lost cause and dead to him. 

Dream: Communications Class 

After the above dream I returned to sleep and entered a dream where I was sitting in a classroom with my mom. It was a communications class and my mom had come to class with me out of curiosity. I remember telling her I skipped class often and had not been keeping up with my assignments. I showed her one that I had purposefully ignored because it felt pointless to me. The assignment was to copy letters in cursive, placing them perfectly on lined paper much like you do in elementary school. The letters were in a textbook and the teacher had told us to photocopy the lined paper for the assignment. When my mom asked about the assignment I told her I didn’t care if I failed it. I showed her what I had completed and planned to turn in. The letters were floating in the middle of the lined paper, unevenly spaced and of all different sizes despite being readable and formed correctly. I felt my work was good enough. 

When I woke I knew the dream was related to the previous dream. Communication is key to preventing negative karma. In the case of my uncle and cousin, their rejection of each other will continue into another lifetime if they don’t make amends before death. My uncle knows this. He spent a lot of time mending his relationship with both his parents before they died. So, why then, does he not try to do this with his son? It is hard to say. Maybe he expects his son to come to him? 

As related to me, my own communication is anything but perfect. It may “pass the class”, but barely. It is rare that I work to maintain good communication with people outside my inner circle. Typically, I will put forth effort when it comes to close family, but with friends and acquaintances I make little to no effort at all. This is by choice. It is a lot of work to stay on good terms with people and so I reserve what little energy I have for those closest to me. My husband can’t believe I’m this way because he will go out of his way to get on good terms with pretty much everyone. I would but it is exhausting to me. Really.

However, if I were in my uncle’s shoes, I would definitely make the effort. If one of my children disappointed me continuously, I wouldn’t disconnect from them completely. I may stop helping them to avoid enabling them, but I would still tell them I loved them, still talk to them, still want to spend time with them. 

Emotional Overload

My higher levels of emotion are likely the result of my own avoidance. I definitely dislike crying for similar reasons as my mom. My throat constricts and I can’t talk. If I do try to talk, my voice is high pitched and strained. My face gets red and I feel very uncomfortable. Being the effect of my emotions is a very vulnerable place to be! 

Just in the last two weeks I’ve broken down in tears during several conversations with my husband about how I feel unappreciated, taken for granted and undervalued. The tears come as a result of what I say, so I know there is truth in my words. Usually I get angry or walk away, but for some reason these last few conversation helped me to see just how exhausted I am and I succumbed. It is just too much work to pretend I am strong.

One day the emotion followed me to work and I nearly burst into tears in a meeting over something someone said. At first I found myself reacting the way I often do. It’s a “deer in headlights” reaction, like I freeze and don’t know how to react. I don’t feel anything initially and it takes me a while to respond to questions. This particular time I was told my input in the meeting was not needed and unwanted. It was an outright rejection of my contribution and a clear message that I was not there to contribute but to observe. The person who told me this recognized that it hurt my feelings before I did and said, “Don’t be upset”. I lied and said I wasn’t, still frozen, unsure as to what exactly I was feeling. It was only later that I understood. As I sat through the rest of the meeting, silent as instructed, the emotion threatened to break through, but I kept it in check. I recognized she had made me feel unappreciated and undervalued. I was so upset that I thought, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” “Here” as in work. I wanted to walk out and quit right then and there. If I’m not valued or appreciated or seen, then why stay?

I spoke to my husband about it a couple of days later and burst into tears again. Sigh. He promised me she meant nothing by it and that I was valued and appreciated. He even told me she did the same thing to him once upon a time. It didn’t help. I still feel what I feel.

Even today I feel the emotion from this morning’s dream still lingering under the surface. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, not knowing when/if the high emotion will raise its ugly head. It’s starting to give me a headache. 😦

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Dream: Three Swords

I have been feeling something deep within. It is barely noticeable and feels similar to past experiences when another part of myself is recognizable, a self that I have called the “small self” in the past.

The feelings have been simmering under the surface for some time but only yesterday did they feel to seep through in such a way that I took notice. By bedtime, I had felt this other me so much that I took time to focus on the feeling. The emotion was sadness mostly, a deep, penetrating sadness. The recognition of this other me was instant and I shifted immediately into Knowing. Rather than reject what I felt via this other me, I allowed it and then spoke to her, soothing her and telling her “it will be alright”. I sent love to her. The feelings calmed. 

From the Rider-Waite Tarot Deck

Dream: Three Swords

In the dream I was in a school being shown around by another teacher. It felt like I was getting a tour as a new employee.

I recall vividly meeting the school counselor. She was very pleasant and told me I could come talk to her anytime. I remember thinking, “She really loves me.” It made me very emotional and I began to cry, momentarily gaining some lucidity. She spoke with me a while and there was another instant of clarity. She said, “windfall”, and my mind went immediately to the good fortune our family is experiencing. There was a brief memory of being given this word as a message in the past (2019) and I instantly knew it pertained to my husband and his acquisition of the company.  

At the end I was taken to a classroom with 8th graders and realized the school was a K-8 school and, because of my experience, half my classes were teaching middle school. This surprised me at first but I understood their reasoning and so was agreeable.

The kids who entered were rowdy and intimidating. At first I didn’t feel prepared, but then felt completely at ease with the teenagers, knowing exactly how to get them to settle. I approached them one by one, asking their names and getting to know them.

The other teacher suggested I put up a bulletin board with all the students’ names and have the students post a picture that represented their life. One girl excitedly approached and asked me if she could post a family pic. She showed me and I told her it was perfect. I felt a warmth from the interaction, knowing the girl felt safe and heard in my presence.

I took the class on a field trip to a theatrical presentation and watched it with them. A group of women dressed in formal attire sang a song while a group of men carrying curved swords fought valiantly (but not to the death) for the opportunity to be with one of the women. Three swords (three of swords tarot card?) got left behind and I tried to put them in the classroom but it was locked. Another teacher met me and told me I could put the swords inside her room, so I left them with a sticky note on them (letter to myself). 

Considerations

When I woke I knew the dream was to show me all that contributions I have made thus far, specifically with teaching and reaching children and teenagers. I was reminded how, when I tune in and focus on helping, I can reach the kids that are the most difficult to reach. 

There were memories of when I stopped trying to connect and no longer wanted to help. There was understanding that all I had to do was step outside myself and be open to receiving what the students needed. In those times I was over tired, disillusioned or resisting moving on. For example, when I worked at the alternative school I was pregnant and tired and over worked – burned out. Thus, connecting with the very difficult students didn’t happen. It was just too exhausting and I needed rest. 

Similarly, when I was a counselor at the elementary school, though I did connect and enjoyed working with the kids, I was going through a difficult time emotionally and so ran out of energy quickly, unable to really put my all into the job like I should’ve. I thought back to the day I found out was my last day. The principal didn’t even bother to warn me it was coming. I wonder now if they hastened my leaving because they decided I wasn’t a good fit like they first thought? It doesn’t matter. I was ready to leave.

It is clear that when I introvert (withdraw into myself) is when others are cautious of me. When I open myself up, others are attracted to me more. The thing is, I mostly don’t feel like opening up. In my twenties I was very open, I wanted to help and so got more opportunities to do so. As I have become more disillusioned I’ve closed myself off. There were just too many instances where my helping others left me feeling unsuccessful and resentful. 

I’m obviously still healing, trying to pull out of the introverted stage little by little. My guidance is trying to show me when I have been successful and that I have a gift. When I woke, knowing their tactic I told them, “I still don’t want to stay. Why do you keep trying to change my mind?” 

The dream of the students, where the females sang and the men battled for the opportunity to earn their affections, reminded me of the dynamic I’ve observed all my life. The men want to show off, to impress the women with their strength and masculinity, the woman sit back, showing off their beauty and feminine traits. It really is a mating dance and it goes on, and on, and on. Even after the men and woman are grown and have children this dance continues. The ridiculousness of it bothers me and I am not interested in the game or participating in it. Much higher levels of interaction exist. Humans are stuck in a very low, animalistic and biologically driven game.

My low opinion of humans is why I introvert (withdraw within). So many people aren’t even scratching the surface of their potential. Then those that have moved above and beyond are still struggling, specifically with these sexual/mating game that continues under the surface of most everything. 

I do believe I come from another race of Beings or at least my past lives have been as such. These experiences are part of me and why I am so homesick. Earth – humanity – is so barbaric, so cruel, so confusing. Humans are just not my people.

What’s worse is that I am human, too. Yuck.

Yet in my dream I saw how I also loved humanity, so much so that my heart overflowed with love. And I Remembered.

In my earlier days (especially before my Saturn Return) I saw potential in everyone and tried to help them see it, too. I recall when I first started teaching how beautiful I thought my students were. I loved all of them and defended them to some of the other teachers who preferred to focus on the negative or had become burned out.

Over time I burned out, too. It was just so difficult! Maybe I set my standards too high? Probably. 

So, I will try in the future to look at each individua’s unique journey, gauging where they are and then working with the existing potential on a gradient. It is my own judgement of them that leaves me sad and discouraged and ultimately unwilling to help. It is hard not to judge when you see where a person could be versus their present reality. It is very frustrating and I can only imagine this must be how our guides feel when they see us struggling through this life! 

I think a good strategy is to become more like my guides. I know how they feel, I’ve been allowed to experience it. The reason they are so patient, loving and supportive is because they see past our flaws to our potential. They are able to see the why behind our struggles and they accept us as is, without judgement. When they see us, we are beautiful, flaws and all.

What does this mean for me? I suspect the end result will be to return to a similar mindset to what I had when I was young (optimistic, open, adventurous). This time, though, I won’t be so naïve about it. I will be much more selective, choosing only those interactions that feel correct for me.

At some point in the future I will be changed. I don’t think I will even notice it, but it will happen. And you know what? I am excited at the prospect of it. To feel purpose again. To feel hopeful. To feel optimistic. What a relief that will be!

This is likely what my Chiron (Kiron) Return will bring, leading me to become the Role Model.

In Human Design the 6th line is prone to cynicism. I am definitely cynical. I wasn’t always that way but the experiences of my life have led me to be so. Time to reverse that trend.

Three of Swords

Here is a link to the general meaning of the card. I do believe it is indicative of my journey and contains a message to take my time, heal and learn from the past. The sticky note I left on the swords could signify the letter I wrote to myself not long ago. It does seems fitting.

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Kundalini Dream: Want to Clean Floors with Me?

Very active night of dreams with the last one being a Kundalini dream.

I don’t recall the first dream too well now. My entire birth family was there, including my deceased father who I don’t see in dreams very often (he died in 1995). I remember seeing him very clearly and interacting with him about possibly taking an art class and finally deciding it was better to be a photographer. I took photos and remember that our family was going to take a family photograph together. The dream ended when I realized my father was dead and couldn’t be there. Unfortunately, I didn’t become lucid. I just woke up.

Kundalini Dream: Want to Clean Floors with Me?

The beginning of this dream is hazy. I recall being taken to a massive house that was mostly underground. As I descended the stairs I recall being told the house was left to me by my recently deceased grandparents. A woman with dark hair was with me. She was the curator of the house and was giving me a tour.

I remember going into the bathroom and seeing that the shower had been altered. Specifically, the shower curtain was taken off because it was no longer needed, but the rod was still there. I saw the need for a place to hang wet towels and clothing (I thought of bathing suits) so I adapted the curtain rod to this purpose. 

I walked around exploring the space. It looked like a normal house but the walls were concrete. A very large cat excitedly greeted me. It looked like a puma and was most obviously a pet. I pushed it off and lured it into a room and shut the door but it pushed it open and attempted to hug me. I pushed it off me again, trying to get it to go back upstairs but it wouldn’t. I suddenly became aware of many other “pet” pumas wandering the space, so, I closed myself off in a room.

I was inside a bathroom that I knew belonged to the curator. I felt I shouldn’t be there but also knew the space was now mine, so pushed it out of my mind. I noticed it was very dark inside and there were multiple leaks from the ceiling. Containers were collecting the moisture but it didn’t look like water. It was a thick, gold substance. The bathtub had a large window at the top that had curtains covering the light. I wanted more light so I opened them up only discover layers upon layers of curtains. I finally got them opened when the curator walked in, surprising me. Feeling like I was in trouble, I told her I was exploring and saw the leaks. She nodded and I asked to be told of other issues because I was not sure I wanted to take on a house with so many problems. The curator looked at the open window and I told her it was dark and I wanted to see the view outside. I pointed out the greenery outside. It was a beautiful view and unexpected as it indicated we were not below the ground like I thought.

When I left the bathroom I saw others were inside the house with me, people I knew from work mostly. They were looking around in amazement at my inheritance. 

The next thing I remember is a coworker coming towards me smiling really big. I could hear the others laughing thinking he was playing around but his face said he wasn’t and that he wanted me to go along with what he was doing. Unsure of what was going on, I played along. His back was to the group as he put his arms around me and pulled me close, pressing his lips to my own. In my shock I looked in his eyes and saw he was amused. Figuring it was a joke after all, I kissed him back but not fully. When I did my midsection lit up and the energy expanded. This surprised me and I pulled away. The man smiled, his eyes twinkling. The group was still laughing, thinking it all a joke. They couldn’t see that we had kissed. I looked at the faces of the people and spotted the man’s wife in the crowd. I wondered what was going on.

The man pulled away, standing back as I slumped to the floor overcome by the amazing bliss flooding my body. I felt completely incapable of moving, frozen by the shock of what had happened and the incapacitating energy. My mind was busy trying to understand what was going on but nothing made sense. I couldn’t process any of it.

As I stared at the floor (I’m laying face down), I could feel the man crawling over the top of me. He leaned over and turned me around to face him. By this time the energy was all-consuming and snuffed out any resistance in me. When he leaned down I leaned toward him and kissed him. The energy shot through me with more intensity. The man communicated that he was pleased with my response to him. He looked up at someone and I shifted to see who it was. It was his wife smiling her consent. Part of me recoiled at this but I ignored the feeling, choosing instead to explore what this man was offering.

He looked at me again and said, “Do you want to clean floors with me?” Confused, I was about to ask what he was talking about when he sent a visual with his response of, “Remember when we…?” I saw us standing at the entrance to a large, open, dark space. We knelt down, face to face, and started buffing the floors with small wash rags. I remembered that we worked together to do this and said, “Oh yeah, at the restaurant.” He smiled and nodded and I agreed to the “date”. He said, “Good. I’ll come get you tonight at 8.” 

Considerations

I woke up, the pleasurable energy still very strong in my mid-section. It has been so long! The energy lingered for some time after while I wondered about the dream. 

The basement is symbolic of something unknown, dark and mysterious; a place “underground”, subconscious. It is an inheritance which means it could be genetic or at the very least part of my history (this life and others). The first bathroom is a place of healing where I focus on the shower. I make adjustments and move on. The cat represents the Divine Feminine. I try to send it upstairs which indicates I want to be more conscious of this aspect of myself. 

The leaky, dark bathroom is a space that is in need of attention (healing). It belongs to the curator who is likely an aspect of me. I recognize the space as mine, though. I let light in to see better. The leaks are golden in color. Symbolically this means I am being shown something hidden about myself. The feeling I get from this aspect of me is that she is someone I am afraid of in the sense that she feels powerful and “above” me. 

The Kundalini part was very surprising both in the dream and after. There was no warning or indication that this dream would involve the K energy. The symbolism of it is clear, though – cleaning floors is symbolic of clearing away lingering past issues that are affecting my foundation in this life. The thing is, what I recall of the floors is they were dirty and our wiping motions were more to buff and shine the clean floors. So perhaps a final preparation? That would be nice!

A restaurant is a place of nourishment, spiritual nourishment specifically, but nourishment overall. 

I do hope the man in my dream doesn’t stand me up for our date tonight! LOL 

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Intuitive Health Warning

Sickness has been prevalent in my household and my extended families’ households since mid-December. Based upon what I have heard from friends, acquaintances and the media, this is happening all over. The media says it is Omicron, but other viruses are involved also. The “fluvid”, a mixture of Covid and the flu, a regular chest/head cold virus and the intestinal flu are going around.

In my family specifically we were all hit with a cold-like illness around Christmas. My husband and middle son got the worst of it, with my son spiking a 102 degree temp with a sore throat and headache. Both later developed coughing with mucus that lasted about a week. My other son and daughter did not get it and I only developed the coughing part which lasted about a week. For me, the coughing was just annoying (only in the morning and at night) but my husband and son were both miserable. My other son only got a mild cough and runny nose but never once complained and it didn’t slow him down one bit.

Then both my BIL’s families caught the same illness. Since they were tested for Covid (negative) we didn’t bother to test.

When we returned to work, I discovered a coworker had Covid over the break. She told me she wanted to die when she had it, saying, “It felt like I was being stabbed with knives all over.” She took the hydroxy stuff everyone raves about and in three days felt much better, though she was extremely weak and had to have her son’s help.

That same week my step-father got sick, also, but did not get tested because his symptoms were so mild. He had the same cold symptoms as everyone in the family had over Christmas break.

Then this week my middle son (poor baby) came down with the intestinal bug and had that for 24 hours and two days ago my MIL tested positive for Covid as did my BIL and SIL. My BIL and SIL have no symptoms but they also just had the cold that spread through our families (and tested negative for Covid then). My MIL is struggling but okay, her symptoms similar to the cold we all had but a bit more severe.

When I heard my MIL had Covid and so did my BIL and SIL, I immediately wondered about the accuracy of the test. I’ve heard the test is not very accurate and since my BIL and SIL’s family just had what my family had (the bad cold), I can’t help but wonder if it was Omicron all along but the test failed to detect it until after. I’ll never know but it does seem feasible especially since, in my family, my daughter didn’t get the cold at all and I got a very, very mild version of it. We are the only ones vaccinated in our family (except my mom who, BTW, also did not catch the ‘cold’, while her partially vaccinated husband got a mild version).

An Intuitive Health Warning

Prior to and during all this sickness, I’ve been feeling/sensing a need to slow down and listen to my body. The warning has increased in the last couple of weeks and I’m beginning to pay more attention as I notice how tired I am in general and how my body responds to my routine.

My guidance has posed some questions for my consideration. Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Do I want to feel that way? What could I do that I would enjoy instead?

This consideration comes with a sense that I need to pay attention and follow my intuition rather than ignore it. It isn’t a feeling of “oh no!” like I have gotten in the past, but more of a persistent nudge. 

For the first question: Do I really want to put so much effort into my diet and exercise? My answer is: Not really. I mostly exercise out of habit and boredom. I also exercise because I feel that if I don’t that I will become less healthy, less physically attractive and have less control over my body. I try and eat healthy and avoid eating certain things or indulging. I use to track everything I ate but noticed it was becoming a bit obsessive and not making me feel good so stopped doing it.

I realized recently that my diet and exercise habits stem from a deep sense of worthlessness and need to prove myself. This is in line with my completely open heart center in HD. An open heart center also causes me to tend to agree to and try to stick to plans/activities/etc. but not really have the energy or ability to do so. I have not experienced this as much as the need to prove myself, but only because I have learned to say no more often than yes. In the past, I would say yes, feel pressured to stick to what I agreed to and then have negative experiences.

My diet and exercise habits also come from an open root center that can cause me to feel a constant pressure to do, do, do. I become almost frantic if I do not follow a schedule or routine. This is not just in terms of diet and exercise but in other areas of my life as well. In HD this pressure is from an open root center. It says, “I’m in a hurry to get things done”. It causes me to rush about, trying to get rid of the pressure but nothing I do will get rid of it. I have to learn to live with the pressure. 

As for the second question: How does the exercise I have been doing make me feel? Well, lately not so good. I don’t want to finish or just don’t feel like it. I would rather go for a walk while listening to relaxing music, do deep stretching, do short bursts of cardio, or just do nothing at all. I have already started to shift away from weight training, decreasing the number of days I work out and taking more time to stretch and relax. This week I feel like doing no weight bearing exercise at all. I went for a run on Monday and enjoyed it but should’ve run less and walked more. I’ve since chosen to take long walks and do limited bodyweight exercises.

Lately I am more tired than usual, sleeping deeper and wanting to stay in bed longer. This could be a sign that my body needs more rest. I should listen to my body rather than push it so frequently. It can lead to illness and burnout, which my 2nd line body is prone to anyway.

The final couple of questions: Do I want to feel that way (the way my routine makes me feel)? What could I do that I would enjoy instead? Sometimes I get an exercise high and I love that feeling. Lately, I’ve not been getting that high much. I tire more quickly, feel exhausted or anxious and get low blood sugar more than I like. What other things could I do that I would enjoy? The other night singing came to mind, so maybe I could try singing a bit more. Sleep is always one of my favorite things to do! So that is definitely on the list. 

I feel like I should look back on my youth and what I enjoyed back then. 

If I go to my youngest years, exploring nature, being outside, swimming, fishing, and drawing were what I did the most. In my teen years I enjoyed reading, taking care of the chickens and other birds we had on our property, gardening, singing, baking (and eating it lol), and sleeping (the best sleep ever in my teens!). Most of what I enjoyed back then were solitary activities and I am still like that today. I still enjoy gardening, singing, cooking/baking, nature and animals. It wasn’t until my late 20’s that spirituality came into my life and was added as my favorite past time. 

In my teens I was “chunky” and didn’t eat very healthy. I use to eat whatever I wanted. If it tasted good, I ate it. I weighed on average about 10-15lbs more than I do now because of it. It wasn’t until I got married that I changed after seeing a picture of myself that showed how fat and unhealthy I was. This shifted me into some extremely very unhealthy habits that included binging and purging and exercising too much. I don’t want to shift to that extreme again but I also don’t want to become that overweight, sluggish, unhealthy me either. I need to find a good balance where I keep moving and eating healthy without over or under restricting, and give myself plenty of rest and breaks. Honestly, I would love to not care like I did as a kid. 

This past weekend my family took the RV to a lake I often frequented in my youth. It was beautiful but a bit cold outside. I tried fishing but had no luck. I also went for a walk with my daughter and then with my son. When walking with my daughter I found a couple of cork bobbers and a fishing lure along with a bottle of lighter fluid. I found two fossilized seashells when walking with my son. He found one right after I did and was super excited about it. He said, “This is why I love going for walks! I always find something cool.” He is a 2/4 Pure Generator so it is no wonder he loves being outside and exploring. It’s a hermit thing. 😉

It is times like the above the I really enjoy these days. Spending time in nature with my kids, either all together or one-on-one, can be a wonderful thing. I love that I have two, 2/4 Generating sons that really appreciate the outdoors, nature, wildlife and all that is has to offer. They don’t feel the need to constantly talk or over-think things. We can walk happily together in silence.

So, I guess I am going to slow down when it comes to exercise, replacing it will more enjoyable, peaceful moments in nature and with my children. We will see what comes of this change. It could open new doors by just allowing me to see something I didn’t notice was there before. And considering all the sickness around me, these changes will ensure my immune system remains strong.

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Microcosmic Orbit Experience: Exercise #2

I did exercise 2, Harvesting Yang, of the Microcosmic Orbit class last night. It lasts only 20 minutes and should be practiced when the foundational exercise (#1) is mastered. 

I probably should have just listened to this exercise rather than trying it for myself since I have not yet mastered exercise #1. Thankfully, the exercise was easy and I didn’t have any issues. I was unable to feel much energy in the perineum and the part about pulling energy up in little bits did not seem to be working at first. Then, I noticed that, when I breathed in and pulled up ever so slightly, I could feel energy move up over the front of my pubic bone and into my erogenous zone. It was very slight as if teasing me. It didn’t get strong, thankfully, so I just noticed and it soon passed.

The facilitator of the exercise warned in exercise #1 that the energy of the root/perineum can sometimes create arousal and be highly erotic. He says the reason for this is conscious or unconscious intention over time. So, again, a conditioned response but one that can be corrected. I am happy that my response was not so sexual as to be distracting. I have felt the erotic feeling in the past and it is difficult to ignore!

Eventually, I could feel energy trickling up into my heart which wasn’t suppose to happen so I had to stop, focus on breathing deeper, root the breath, and begin again. 

When it was over, I did a regular meditation for about 15 minutes and went to bed.

About two hours after going to sleep I was awakened by a pressure at the base of my spine. It was highly uncomfortable! Ouch!! Not only did it feel similar to needing to have a bowel movement, it was painful to the point that it was concerning me. The only other time I’ve felt pressure and discomfort in this area was after a strenuous run where I became overly dehydrated. I imagine the feeling might be similar to what someone would feel after being violated via the anus! 

After a few minutes of discomfort and trying, unsuccessfully, to extinguish it, I asked my guidance for help. I immediately received back a visual of myself on the floor in bridge pose. Wasting no time, I got out of bed and got down on the floor. Before getting into bridge pose, I pulled one knee into my chest and then the other, breathing deeply. Afterward, I got into bridge pose and held it for a few breaths. Almost immediately the pressure went away! When the feeling was completely gone, I got back into bed. Unfortunately, the feeling returned but with less intensity, so I resume bridge pose while in bed and it went away again. I fell asleep soon after and when I awoke there was no discomfort in the area. 

Though I can’t be certain, the pain at the base of my spine may have been brought on by doing exercise #2 before I was ready. IDK for sure, though.

I researched bridge pose to see if it was helpful in balancing the root chakra. It came up as the #1 yoga pose for releasing excess energy from the root chakra! Ha! The next pose on the list was the one I did before bridge – pulling each knee into the chest. 🙂

So, the next night (last night) I repeated exercise #1. This time the energy was much less obvious in the areas of focus, especially in the abdominal area. Again, keeping my attention on the areas was a struggle. I kept losing attention and would have to self-correct whenever this happened. It was less than the first time, which is good, but I still have a ways to go. I was able to focus attention on the perineum and feel the energy there, which was almost imperceptible. The cool thing was that I was able to feel all of the areas together as one mass of subtle energy. I plan to keep practicing exercise #1 until I can maintain consistent attention without drifting off and feel the warmth of the perineum.

The ideal times to practice these exercises are: 1. Around sunrise (5-7am), 2. Around sunset (5-7pm), and 3. at midnight on the full moon. This is impractical for me because of my schedule. My kids are up and making noise at sunrise and sunset (dinner time is at sunset). Midnight is doable but being it is so late I will probably fall asleep. lol Thankfully, these exercises can be done at any time, but if done during one of the recommended times the environment will assist.

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Microcosmic Orbit Exercises

Yesterday, while searching Kundalini forums, I found a link to a free Microcosmic Orbit online class. I immediately checked it out since I it was something that I was previously led to try.

At first I thought the whole thing was free, but turns out the only links that work are the ones to the videos. So, I searched more of the website and found the published books, selecting one specifically for women. I have yet to purchase it but probably will as it interests me.

This is an article that gives a synopsis of what is in the book,  Women’s Nei Gong

It is recommended to practice each of the videos in order. So, last night I listened to the first video as part of my nightly meditation, Anchoring the Breath

My experience was quite unexpected, indicating, to me at least, a readiness for it. 

It took me about an hour to complete the Anchoring the Breath exercise. I sat upright in bed and followed the instructions. It was easy for me to get into the exercise, most likely because of my recent, consistent Pranayama meditation practice. 

1. It was quite energetically obvious when I focused on the areas of my body as instructed in the video. The areas became energetically stimulated, subtly vibrating. As I settled my awareness on more areas, the vibrating area expanded. I began to feel the “energy helmet” sensation I’ve experienced numerous times in my life but it expanded downward as my attention went to other areas of my body. 

2. Attention versus intention is discussed in the video. Intention directs the energy in a certain way and can create negative effects (the teacher says “always” creates negative results) because it is directed by the mind. Attention is passive, allowing the energy to do what is needed for the body, which is always positive. If you have too little attention, however, you can end up going into the imagination and on into the dream state, which is what happened to me numerous times. I would find myself startled back to attention by my body slumping forward or sideways. In fact, I completely missed the final body part focus (the perineum) because my mind wandered. I only came out of my reverie about 15 minutes after the exercise concluded. So, it may be helpful for me to do this exercise at an earlier time, rather than at bedtime! lol

3. I found some of the information provided quite interesting, specifically the part about recognizing restriction in breathing, tightness in the chest, or dryness in the throat among other “symptoms” during the exercise. The teacher indicated that these irregularities exist as the result of subconscious intention in the past. To me, this translated as “blocks” created by thought patterns or habits. In other words, conditioning. I noticed a very slight tightness in my chest area and some breathing irregularities. I don’t recall any other indicators elsewhere but then my mind kept wandering!

4. The area that was the most energetic was my stomach area (the 2nd and 3rd chakra areas). I could not, no matter how I focused, get the energy to be consistent between all areas of focus. My stomach area would distract me because of how much energy was there compared to the other areas – massive amounts! I am not sure if I’m suppose to feel a consistent line from head to perineum, but if so, that was not evident because of how strong the energy was in my stomach region. Interestingly, this area is known as the lower Dan Tien, and from my limited research, my experience of strong energy there indicates that I am storing the majority of my energy in this area, which is exactly how it should be. What is the Dan Tien?

Overall, I am thrilled by the results of this exercise and will most definitely be doing the next practice tonight, but earlier so that I can keep attention and not drift off into other realms. 

Presently, we are having all the windows in our house replaced over the next three weekdays. In preparation, we have to remove furniture from around the windows. My husband has a huge desk that he wants to get rid of which is located directly in front of one of the windows. He wants to replace it with another desk. I am going to give him mine, which is newer and smaller. I will not be replacing it with another desk but using the space for meditation and yoga (and maybe Qigong). My 12+ year old computer is going into retirement.

With the new space I will be able to meditate seated on the floor rather than in my bed, so I will be less likely to fall asleep. I’m looking forward to completing my sacred space and settling into the energy it provides. I will periodically post updates about my experiences with the Microcosmic Orbit exercises.

~Namaste

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Heart Healing Bliss

I’ve been focusing on clearing and opening my heart after recognizing a block there is limiting my access to the Bliss.

The first time, I was laying in bed doing a breathing meditation. I decided to focus on my heart and as I did, I saw a large Band-Aid. So, I peeled if off slowly and set the intention of healing the remainder of the wound from when my heart connection disconnected (end of 2016). When I peeled it off, I could see a raw spot, indicating a wound nearly healed, which was reassuring.

Afterward, I kept meditating and focused on my heart. It was not long after pulling off the Band-Aid that my chest began to feel warm. Then, I felt a pulling sensation in my chest that intensified until it began to feel uncomfortable. As soon as I noticed the discomfort, the feeling vanished.

When I stopped meditating, I rolled over onto my side and talked with my guidance for a while. I don’t recall what we talked about now but the overall feeling was that they would help me and I would be successful at opening my heart. Then, two very distinct bolts of “lightning” hit my chest area followed by a deep aching in my chest area that caused me to get slightly concerned because it lingered for so long.

More Emotional

Not long after I had a dream that indicated I should call my mom. In the dream I was awakened by an insistent knocking on my door. When I answered, my mom was standing there with my aunt who was sitting in a wheelchair. I rarely see my aunt in my dreams and since I know she is battling breast cancer, it felt like a warning.

When I called my mom she was in good spirits but when I asked her about my aunt, she began to open up to me about some past issues that were coming up for inspection for her. She got very emotional, crying and choking up, and causing me to get a bit choked up as well. 

The things she brought up had to do with her parents and some traumatic memories she had of them from her childhood. In one instance, she described a memory of how her mom bought her a new pair of glasses without telling her dad. When he came home and found out, he threw her mom across the room. In another memory, her mom was about to slice a piece of pie and said something passive aggressive about having to slice it just right, when her dad, furious at her mom, stuck his entire hand in the pie and put some on his plate. It destroyed the pie and traumatized both my mom and my aunt.

My mom explained how she was angry at her mother for much of her life and decided she would never let a man treat her like that. She told me she believes that’s why her marriages failed and why she struggled with relationships with men. She said she saw how she became like her father even though she was trying not to and hated herself for it.

We went on to talk about my sisters and her upset regarding them. I listened and gave her my viewpoint, telling her I understood and do not blame her for anything. I told her about how I handle and heal my own past trauma, advising her to not avoid the pain but move through it. Each of us has to focus on healing ourselves and, in doing so, we assist in helping others to heal.

As I wrote the above, it is clear to me that I missed a very clear message to myself. “The only way out, is through”, and this applies very much to me right now. 

That evening, when winding down for bed, I had some strong emotion arise out of thinking of what my mom told me about my grandfather. I didn’t know he was abusing like that! Of all the father figures in my life, I was the most connected to him. I saw his mean side but it never really bothered me too much. Yes, he did some things that could have caused me trauma, but, thankfully, they did not. My love for him always won out in the end. I could see his true self underneath. I really miss him!

I also thought of the trauma my mom and her sister are still trying to heal. It makes me sad and in that moment I could feel their pain. I remember thinking, “Their pain is my pain, their love is my love.” 

Pranayama Meditation

That night I decided to do a pranayama breathing meditation. It consisted of breathing in for five counts, holding the breath for five counts, and breathing out for five counts. I did this for seven minutes and it was quite challenging!

While meditating I could feel a wonderful heaviness spreading through my body. Even though the mediation was a breathing meditation, I felt guided to my heart center. This time, rather then seeing a Band-Aid, I saw a string hanging down. I grabbed onto it and looked up and saw a bright red balloon. With the joy of a small child, I let the balloon go and watched it disappear into the sky. I knew that it was symbolic of letting go, something I very much long to do in regards to the past hurt I have been carrying around with me.

I fell asleep without issue, feeling warm and comforted.

During the night I had dreams of a spiritual gathering. The group was very large! There were at least 50 of us. We encircled a large swimming pool, hands clasped, as we began our meeting. We discussed our unique spiritual gifts. A woman said to me, “You can hear people’s thoughts, correct?” I thought for a moment and then said, “Yes, I guess I can. Sometimes I hear them very distinctly, but most of the time it is muddled. And sometimes I don’t want to hear them! I could probably better control this gift if I practiced more.” 

There isn’t much more I recall from the dream but when I awoke I was very aware of a warmth in my heart chakra and energy moving through my body. It was mostly “energy hug” energy, which is when the energy originates in the center of my spine and spreads outward, washing me in a calm, soothing bliss. There were times the energy would linger in certain places, and when it did it felt very healing and pleasant. This was most obvious in my second chakra. I swear I could feel my entire uterus!

When the energy began to fade I said to my guidance, “I want to feel that (the energy) all the time.” The energy instantly returned and I sunk into it, feeling the love and reassurance of Spirit. I recalled being told recently, “What you want is there, you need only to reach for it” and from this point on a long conversation ensued with my guidance. Unfortunately, and as is typical, the exact messages I received are lost to me now. What I remember is that I was advised to wait for “the proposition”. This caught my attention because, as a Projector, I am suppose to “wait for the invitation”. So their use of the word “proposition” brought me out of my reverie momentarily. 

The entire time I communicated with my guidance, the blissful energy lingered. I was covered in it, waves upon waves of it spreading out from my core. The bliss has a way of pulling me deep into Knowing. I go so deep that the Knowing I received does not come as words but as feeling. This is why I so rarely remember any words. At the time of Remembering, there are “words”, at least it seems so, but they don’t remain, dissolving into only feelings by the time I come out of my reverie. 

When I began my day it was with appreciation instead of hesitation. I want to feel this every day. I want to be this every day.