Category Archives: human design

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Snakes and Skeletons

I’ve had several snake encounters lately. It could just be the time of year but I can’t help but take notice.

Snakes for me equal the Kundalini. I wish I could say I had some Kundalini experiences to report, but I don’t. Nothing for a while and if I do have any inklings of the K, they are mild in comparison to what they once were.

This snake I nearly stepped on during my evening walk around the pond. It is a diamondback water snake – harmless. He was about 3ft long.

This is a McKay’s brown snake. Tiny (less than 12 inches) but fierce! Again, I nearly stepped on him. This time when taking out the trash.

After the above snake encounters, I found a snake skeleton on the path around the pond this weekend. It seems symbolic of the death of part of myself. I’m not sure which. Perhaps my divorce or a stage in my life or even the Kundalini itself, which has basically gone dormant – or all three. Regardless, I decided to honor that death by digging a hole and burying the skeleton. I said goodbye to whatever it was that was ending. 

I’ve been feeling very done with life. When I think, “What do I want” (because my guides like to ask me that), all I think of is being free of this body and this physical reality (returning Home, ending this incarnation). The next thing I think of is sleeping because when I sleep I experience a short freedom from this place. Even if I can’t recall my dreams it is better than being awake and going through the motions of life. 

Don’t read this part if you are super attached to mankind, Earth and this physical experience…..

I’ve often wished that this physical reality would be destroyed in a major disaster – like end-of-the-world scenario. Yes, it would kill my loved ones and myself. Yes, it would be awful, but I know that whatever pain it caused would vanish immediately upon death and there would be no loss, no pain, no misery because we would all gather on the Other Side of this mess. I’ve experienced what lies beyond and find it difficult to understand how anyone could be so attached to this physical experience. If they only Knew!

Recently my guidance has been trying to get messages through to me. One was a message I’ve long heard, “Listen.” Another was something about traveling to the cosmos or something for an “intervention”. That is fine by me, if they think it will work. If I can’t get out of this body and physical incarnation, then a dose of Home is always welcomed. So far, giving me the experience of Home has kinda backfired I think because it makes me more determined to get the hell outta this place. lol 

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to motivate me here. Something, anything, to look forward to. Usually, I use the next stage or step in life as my motivation. The only stage left for me is old age, slow deterioration and then death. I do look forward to death, just not the long path to it. Maybe I will luck out and not have the long, deteriorating part?

I do recognize all my blessings, I do, but no amount of material things can fill this void inside. I love my land, my pond, my new space – I do! I love that I have the freedom to buy whatever I want/need. I love my children. I love my dog. I love that I am strong and healthy and still can sleep deeply through the night. I try to focus on my blessings. I am good at distracting myself with activities or projects, but that is all they are – distractions. I can’t ever get away from the emptiness inside, the continued sense of numbness, the void of nothingness and, most of all, the Knowing that Home is just on the “Other Side” of this simulation. 

I also recognize that I have been in this place before and it will eventually pass. Something will happen to ignite my curiosity and send me down another rabbit hole. Or maybe “someone”, since my path seems linked to the path of my partners in this life. But, honestly, I don’t want another partner if it means an oversized child to take care of or the expectations that go along with a relationship. And marriage? Hell no! Never again. 

This is also what Human Design says is my experience (my only defined channel is the 1-8) – not Knowing (most of the time) with occasional “ah-ha” moments of clarity and Knowing that propel me in the direction I am meant to travel. Sadly, those ah-ha moments are so few and far between and I end up waiting endlessly (Projector curse) for some sense of clarity, grasping at anything that seems like it might lead to it only to find that, once again, I am wrong and there was never any clarity to begin with.

I am still recovering from the Kundalini experiences of my past. I don’t understand why it happened, why the ET stuff happened, and why I had all the amazing OBEs and transformational experiences. Then they all just….stopped. Abruptly it seems. And now it is like they were only a dream and sometimes it is like they never happened at all. Just smoke and mirrors as the song goes. The only thing that remains is this empty void inside and a more intense longing for Home than ever before. 

Sometimes I think my experiences have left me with a kind of PTSD. I relate strongly with NDE’ers. So many of their stories are similar to my own, but I never actually had a near death, not really, just a “spiritually transformative experience” as ACISTE calls them. Sometimes I wish for an actual near death experience – maybe then I would understand??

Okay, so this is just me rambling now. If you have read this far – I apologize for the darkness of this post. I hope I didn’t bring you down in any way, especially since this is Easter, a day celebrating the resurrection of Christ.

Well, I did just bury the snake/Kundalini/old me, or whatever. Perhaps a resurrection is on the horizon. 

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Dream Message: ACIM page 40

I’ve been staying at the new house (my retreat space). This is day 3. No apparitions. lol I did have a visitor in my dream last night who gave me a message.

In the dream, I was with my older sister and she wanted to go shopping. We walked along through what seemed like a flea market full of various shops. She looked at a shop with lots of clothing. Of course, she picked clothes that were for work with flowy arms and lots of chenille. I told her they wouldn’t suit her needs since she doesn’t have a job. A sales person for the shop tried to get me to buy something but I told her I prefer t-shirts and sweatpants. I recall looking at what I was wearing and it was similar to what I told her. 

We continued to walk and my sister kept getting distracted by things she wanted to buy. I wasn’t really interested in anything. At some point we ended up at a woodshop filled with carved items. My sister said, “Why do we always end up in places like this?” I looked around curiously at the items but didn’t select anything. My sister grabbed something that looked like a bowl with a little creature that would move with the help of water in the bowl. She asked the attendant to get her some water as she drank the remainder of the dirty water from the reservoir. Grossed out, I walked away to browse on my own.

I picked up a couple of small, carved objects. I’m not sure what they were but one seemed to be four people or characters connected hand in hand. Another was a single character. I held the single character in my right hand and the other one in my left and just started walking.

I walked along a paved road that had other, smaller shops throughout. I didn’t stop at any but just drifted, my mind on my life and what to do. I felt somewhat lost, not sure what direction to go. I recall being reminded by a passing thought that I am a hermit, so I should do what brings me joy. There was some music playing and I began to sing with the music. I let my voice go louder than I normally would in public until I was singing full volume. It made me feel good and I knew that if I just did what brought me joy that the right people would “see” me, or be drawn to me. All I had to do was wait for the right call from one of those people.

On my right a coastline took shape and I saw a blue heron dip below the side of the road towards the shoreline. My attention now on the water, I found a nice spot on the ground with a view of the water and sat down. I could feel the figurines in my hands as I fidgeted with them. 

From behind me I felt someone approach. I knew it was a man and I took a deep breath in preparation for his interruption of my solitude. As I waited for him to speak, I saw a strange looking creature on the shoreline where the heron should’ve been. It looked like a Pokémon creature, kind of like a weird dragon in a fat, pig shape. He had sharp teeth and large eyes, typical of a Pokémon (Bulbasaur maybe?).

Before I could investigate the man behind me spoke about the creature saying it represented change (Bulbasaur is based on the frog which symbolizes transition/change). He then spoke directly to me in a very calm voice. His words were very intelligent and he spoke as if he was from a different time or place. I tried to listen, to remember everything he was saying, but all I could do was grab onto what felt to be most important. I remember he said to me, “A Course in Miracles, page 40”. I repeated this to myself as he spoke more. It bothered me that I would not remember all his words and with that, I slowly began to wake. I remembered what he told me and thought about jotting it down since my memory often fails me nowadays. I wanted to sleep, though, so I opted to get more sleep.

ACIM

When I finally awoke I couldn’t recall anything except for the page 40 part. I heard from my left, the male voice say, “A Course in Miracles”. Curious, I considered it. I’ve never felt drawn to that book, though one of my close friends has recommended it numerous times. Here is the link to page 40. 

What I find revelatory about this section is that it seems to point directly to my thoughts in the above dream – of how I am a Hermit (Human Design) and must focus on doing what brings me joy and while doing so, wait for a call from those who truly “see” me. This has been coming through to my consciousness this entire trip to my retreat space. One of the ways I find clarity is through purposeful alone time during which I am not impacted by any other’s energy and can tune into my own energy; therefore finding clarity from within. Last night, prior to bed, a message came through that I need space and time alone to reflect and find clarity. There have been too many distractions and I have been immersing myself in these distractions rather than taking the time to look within. 

The name of this chapter is “The innocent perception”. This in itself screams Human Design to me. I have only one channel connecting two defined centers: 1-8 Channel of Inspiration. This channel in and of itself is about perception.

This page also speaks of inner vision. This is also written in my HD. This is how I perceive the world and is part of color and tone (link here) – the 4th tone of the Environmental variable – inner vision cognition, or how I take in the world around me. In HD, inner vision is about relying on one’s inner vision to perceive the word instead of using the physical eyes. Though I have not purposefully perfected this part of my design, I have found throughout my life that I rely more and more on my inner vision rather than what is presented to me via the physical world. This inner vision allows me to see past what other’s and the world present to me to the truth. I have often perceived what I can only describe as something distasteful. This in itself is a warning that there is something hidden and to be wary of the person, place or situation. 

So, the message I received was to focus on strengthening my inner vision in order to find truth and knowledge. The definition of knowledge presented in ACIM – Knowledge is an experience of wholeness and unity. 

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Dream Message to Myself: That Feeling Will Never Go Away

Had a dream that very much could’ve been an OBE had I been lucid enough. In it I was at my mom’s house in the front yard. A boy and some other young people were running about. The boy said, “Can you do this?” and floated up in the air and lingered for a bit. I told him I could and began jumping around and floating/flying. I ended up in the trees a couple of times and one time a branch swung back and hit me.

Somehow I noticed a depressed girl separate from the group. I can’t recall why she got my attention now, but I went over to her to see if I could help. I told her I understood how she felt. She was feeling homesick and out of place in this world. The feeling was really getting to her and causing her to get little accomplished. I hugged her tight and told her “that feeling will never go away”. When I said this, I burst into tears. My crying woke me up.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated here, and, of course, homesick. I was told how important it is that I surround myself with “my people”. It seems hopeless to do that being there are so few. I can count on one hand those who feel like they fit that description and most have gone from my life now.

In HD my unique bodygraph indicates there will very few people I meet who fit the description of “my people”. The rest won’t be. Some might seem like it but aren’t. I must be wary of those who want to possess me and never let me go. It makes me very sad.  It is hard enough to be homesick like I am but then to be so lonely because so very, very few “get” me or even “see” me at all. The older I get, the more invisible I feel I am becoming. 

Chiron/Kiron Return and the 6th Line

I am fast approaching the age of 48. This is the year when life begins to shift in preparation for the Chiron return. I’ve been waiting for this change for a long time – all my life, actually. The Chiron return is when the 6th line is done waiting for the next step or next cycle. It is the culmination of a life’s work.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it is nearing the time when I need to come out of my hermit hole and reintegrate with society/people. Most recently I’ve been the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with people, their drama or insanity. I’ve become very cynical and just want everyone to leave me alone. This is still how I feel for the most part, yet I’ve started to feel an inner nudge to let go of the cynicism and solitude and begin reintegrating into society. I’m not sure how to do this after so many years of withdrawal.

The dream says a lot in regards to how my isolation and cynicism has been affecting me. It also reminds me that the feeling that I’ve carried with me from the beginning of this life (homesickness) is not going to go away. Hiding from it or trying to push it away by distracting myself with this or that will not change how I feel. Where in the past this feeling was the impetus for my movement forward, it is now threatening that very progress.

I’ve had some “coincidental” interactions of late that seem to all point to what I wrote in the above paragraph. For example, I reconnected with an old friend (one of “my people”) which sparked a Remembering and helped me recognize my denial. I also recently recalled how passionate I use to be about helping people. I took risks I would never take today, mostly risks that involved putting myself “out there”. No matter how often I failed or stumbled, I got back up, and still saw the best in others. At some point, unfortunately, I decided there was no hope to be found in others. Deciding they will disappoint and hurt me. So, I retreated to lick my wounds and stew in my bitterness.

It is time to let go of what was in order to move into what will be. It is time to rekindle that simple Knowing that I have come here to fulfill a purpose – to help. Perhaps that feeling of homesickness, that intense grief of something indescribable and somewhat unattainable while I have a body, is the thing that needs releasing? Could it be that I am holding onto it so desperately that it is eroding my very Being, causing me to Forget and leading me into darkness?

I find it ironic that these insights are coming to me at the very time I am constructing a cabin on 10 acres, far away from the city, the politics and the people that make me cringe on a daily basis. It wouldn’t surprise me if I never live in it. Perhaps just the construction of it is enough? Still, though, it’s creation is in process, so that in itself could be the message: Not yet. Use this time to heal. Creation is healing. And I laugh a little because Creation, the creative force, is at the heart of us all. The Kundalini has taught me that.

As I was saying, there have been “coincidental” happenings lately that point towards the coming change. The woman I’ve been speaking with from the UK who has the same HD bodygraph as me was why I began thinking of that time before my Saturn Return. Back then I was open, somewhat naive and very intent on finding and living my purpose. It was her that helped me recognize how far I’ve come from that version of myself. I think Chiron will show me how to mutate the old me (pre and post-Saturn Return) into the new me.

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Melancholy is Beautiful

Sorry I’ve been so quiet lately. SO much has been going on with me and I have just not felt inspired to write about it. I’ve also let so much time pass between posts that I am overwhelmed by the amount of “stuff” to write about. There is just SO much!

I don’t even remember what I’ve shared on here and what I haven’t. lol So, if I repeat something – sorry!

Firstly, this entire year has been a dark one for me. Dark in that I have been going through a kind of “gauntlet” of emotional and physical crap. What seemed to be a complete lack of “spiritual adventure” in my life was in fact the opposite! The entire time, unbeknownst to me, I have been changing. I’m still not sure what the end result will be, but I am starting to get glimpses of it. Thank God!

The majority of the dark, heavy stuff began in March. It was a mixture of emotional purging and random physical ailments. I got a message around that time via a dream that a period of change was approaching that would take “100 days”. I didn’t heed the warning, but then, how could I? I had no idea what was coming.

Emotional: Geez! There is too much to put here. Let’s just say I had many, many emotional dreams where I would wake in tears. Often I didn’t even remember the dream that precipitated the tears. Other times I would wake up fixated on some repetitive issue in my life. Then there was the anger. OMG so angry! And when the anger subsided I was anxious and felt completely off. There was no reason or rhyme to any of it. Trying to make sense of it was pointless and only made the experience worse.

Physical: I think I wrote about my heart palpitations, anxiety, extreme tiredness, deeper than deep sleep, and itchy skin with no known cause. Well, all have seemingly resolved – to a point. I had to cut out caffeine altogether and I love coffee. I’ve been drinking decaf for months (it’s okay I guess). Alcohol is also a big no-no, but then I am not a big drinker. I had to increase my turmeric dosage, use prescription cortisone medication, take cool baths nightly and slather myself with Aquaphor for weeks to get rid of the random, angry rashes on various parts of my body. The tiredness was concerning in the beginning. I worried I had anemia or some other condition (could I have cancer?). Now, I feel pretty much back to normal – almost. I still feel like I have to take it easy but I don’t know why. I’ve stopped questioning and coming up with reasons to stay active. Now, if I feel like I should ease up, I do.

August 4-7: Sudden horrible insomnia hits! To go from deeper than deep sleep to no sleep was quite a shock. At first I blamed it on my birthday and being older, but then it stretched out for four nights and each night I had less sleep. The last night I got 1 hour of sleep and had a massive emotional meltdown, crying to the point of not being able to breathe. I ended up seeking out my husband and just having him hold me as I cried (not normal for me). Then, when I thought I was done crying, it happened again and then one more time. You would think I would be exhausted after that? Apparently not. I had one hour of semi-sleep and then it was time to wake up. Interestingly, we were on a family vacation to Washington when my good sleep returned. Oh and the last remnants of itchy spots disappeared on that trip, too.

Messages In-Coming

Since I’ve been back from vacation I’ve had an uptick in messages coming in. Most come in via the environment but occasionally I get a voice message “download” as I wake.

Dimes. I kept coming across dimes on the ground. It was almost daily to the point that I started taking notice. Then, one morning as I woke, I saw a visual of a dime dropping and heard, “Everything can change on a dime”. I’ve not seen anymore dimes after that.

Animal Encounters.
Great horned owl: I had a visit from a great horned owl not long ago. It was night and I was sitting outside when it flew from the ground to the fence and then sat there looking at me.
Squirrel: Found a baby squirrel on the sidewalk. He looked dead but when I touched him he squealed and squirmed. No mom or nest in sight. I was walking my dog so called and had my husband send the kids with a blanket. They came, I scooped up the tiny baby and took her home. Though I know how to raise baby squirrels (did it as a kid), I decided to take her to a rehab center.
Toads: Found a toad near his burrow while watering the garden. Later, I found a dead toad, entrails all pulled out, on my back porch. When I told my kids, my son said he had played with a toad for a long time that day and had also seen the dead one. We thought the toad from the burrow and the dead one were the same but today (a few days later) I saw the toad by his burrow again.
Bunny: This morning I was watering my garden and a baby bunny hopped out, fearless. I went and touched it and it squealed and ran to hide. I left it alone since it was obviously old enough to survive on its own.

Memories. Had a sudden, vivid memory come to me along with a message. The memory was from when I was around 7 years old. I had IBS and that particular day I was playing and was hit hard with cramps. My guidance told me, “Slow down and relax.” I don’t actually recall the exact words but I stopped, relaxed and took deep breaths. The IBS pain went away and I went back to playing. The message with this memory was to do the same in my life now – Slow down, relax and breathe.

Songs. The first one: “Stop chasing shadows, just enjoy the ride.” Then: “Stuck under water. I just need some space.” Finally, Sia: “I’m in here. Can anybody see me? Can anybody help?”

Understanding

Had a dream last night in which I was traveling to Montana. The woman with me was driving and I was in the passenger seat. She stopped and told me to keep the car where it was but she didn’t put it in park. I kept the car where it was by drawing a red circle around it. The circle was tiny, leaving no room for movement, and so kept the car in place. When the woman returned she scowled and asked me why I didn’t drive the car. I said, “I’m not here to drive someone else’s car. I’m here to sleep (dream).” LOL

When I woke up I was smiling about the dream. I’ve been attempting to “drive” everyone’s car but my own. It’s time to drive MY car. There was Knowing with this, like my guidance was telling me, “It’s time”.

The Sia song was in my mind, also. It feels like MY song. My guidance said, “It’s beautiful” and I was reminded of various times in my life when I have been sad but in that sadness was immense beauty. Beauty that was indescribable. The darkness, the sadness, was beautiful to experience because within it was every other emotion and experience. I began to cry, but not from sadness itself, but because I could feel it – ALL OF IT – every emotion all at once. So beautiful!

More memories flooded in, memories of songs I’ve written, paintings I’ve painted, poems I’ve written, dances I’ve danced – all inspired by darkness and melancholy. And my Human Design came to mind. I only have one defined channel, the 1-8 channel of inspiration. This is a channel that finds inspiration from long periods of melancholy. Melancholy is all I consistently know and experience. It is my gift. It is my inspiration.

I recalled another message I received upon waking that I had long forgotten. I was told, “Sing!” the minute I recalled it, memories came one after the other, all of times when I was singing. When I sing I feel correct. I feel “high”. In fact, I use singing when OOB to raise my vibration because that is what singing does.

As I was receiving all of the above I was hearing and thinking, “I am beautiful”. So often I’ve rejected my melancholic tendencies because other people and society reject them. Not anymore. My melancholy is beautiful. My melancholy is my inspiration.

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Not on the “Volunteer List”

My heart palpitations have not gone completely. They are much improved now that I don’t drink caffeine, but they’re not gone. The other night I had a mild panic attack because of them. My skin is still itchy, though less so than it was. I am also still more tired in the evenings than usual, sleeping so deep that sometimes I wake up panicked. I also have evidence now of the heart rate abnormalities. I track my sleep and my heart rate spiked to 145bpm one night not long ago. I don’t remember it, but it happened.

I’ve decided not to visit a doctor about it. Why? Because, if this is what my mom has, they will prescribe me a medication that will need to be taken for the rest of my life. I don’t want to do that. I would rather just tolerate the palpitations. There is a surgery that can be done, but I’m not interested in that, either. Palpitations lead to an increased risk of stroke and heart attack. Bring it on! I’ve already been here longer than I would like and I am especially miserable now. 

There is little that remains of my spiritual experiences these days. Everything is mundane and boring. I’m back to the beginning, back to when life wasn’t magical. Back when there were no adventures into the unknown world of Spirit. The difference is now I know the magic and adventure exists but I cannot access it. 

I’ve decided if this is how the rest of my life will be, I want no part in it. If I can’t at least escape this world in the night via my dream explorations, if I am denied access to Spirit and all the wonderful mysterious of the Beyond, I don’t want to be here. Losing all of the above has been devastating. There is nothing in this mundane, boring, negative world that sparks interest in me. I just….exist.

As a 6/2 profile (Human Design), this is a difficult time in my life. Ra says that if the 6th line can’t navigate the last stage of their life, when they come “down from the roof ” and rejoin the world, then they often do not live beyond the age of 60. I’m fast approaching that third stage. This year starts the preparatory years leading up to age 50 and my Chiron return. 

When I read what Ra said about 6th lines I immediately thought, “I will be one of those who doesn’t make it”. This is because I have no interest in rejoining a world like this one. I’ve never actually been keen on this world. From my earliest years I’ve been asking – begging – to go Home. My focus has always been on “the end” from the beginning. I’m the kid in the backseat asking repeatedly, “Are we there yet?” 

And I can honestly say I don’t like most people. I am tired of pretending to like them, too. I’ve given up on trying to help. They don’t listen and they don’t want my help, so why bother? 

If my dreams are still any indicator of what is to come (unlikely but I can hope), then it appears I am preparing to exit this life sooner rather than later.

Dream: Clearing Out My Classroom (5/14/23)

I was a teacher and it was the last day of school. I wasn’t returning the next school year so had to clear out my classroom. The thing is, my classroom didn’t resemble a classroom inside but a house!

The first place I cleared out was the kitchen. I removed all the items from the shelves. As I was looking over my work and checking to make sure the drawers and shelves were empty, I noticed flowers growing from the window sill. I said something about leaving behind flowers. I could see purple ones blooming, their roots firmly embedded in the wood of the window. 

I found a box of baking soda and decided to leave it and sprinkle some on the shelves. I also left behind a small, rusted, heart shaped cake pan, setting it in the center of one of the shelves. 

Then I walked towards the living room and decided to grab things to pack away as I walked. There were family pictures lining the shelves. I grabbed each one and stacked them in my arms. There was also a massive mirror I took down and set on its size. I remember thinking it weighed much less than I thought it would. 

At the end of the dream I was in the hallway after shutting my now empty classroom/house. I looked around, noticing how empty and quiet it was. It appeared I was the only one left in the building. This is when I woke up. 

When I woke I felt very good, very peaceful and calm. It seemed like the dream was me contemplating ending a phase of life – or maybe ending life. The feeling I had in the dream was similar to how I’ve felt when I’ve left schools at the end of the school year knowing I wasn’t going to return. It always felt good knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with the BS of the job, the people, and the schedule. Such a relief!

The symbolism of the dream seems to point at an end to life. The classroom is my house, or soul-self in this lifetime. I go through and clear out everything. I leave behind baking soda, which is used to keep spaces smelling good by absorbing bad odors. This could be my attempt to cleanse the space. Then I leave behind a rusty old, heart-shaped cake pan. I obviously don’t think I need it anymore. The cake pan is likely what is left of my attempts to create love. I take down all the family pictures, placing them face down in a pile in my arms. I don’t linger and look at them wistfully. I just want them gone. I also remove a massive mirror. I never look at my reflection in it, I just take it down and lay it on the floor.

The feeling of relief at leaving the classroom in the end is what was more memorable. I felt so at peace with it. 

Dream: Not on the Volunteer List

The dream starts outside on city streets. I am both present and an observer. I see a couple of women approach another woman. There is a verbal confrontation. The women verbally threaten the other woman. I can feel the emotions of the threatened woman. She is shaken and tense, unsure and anxious. 

Then I am watching the previously threatened woman enter a classroom. A short, plump woman with blonde hair approaches her. She is the teacher. I can experience the emotions of the teacher, who seems to be the teacher. She senses that the woman who just entered has had a rough morning. She immediately soothes her and escorts her to a sofa and grabs a blanket. She tells the woman to rest and pulls the blanket around her for comfort. I can feel what the teacher feels. She is extremely concerned and she cries for the other woman. It feels like I’m the one crying.

The teacher is very pleasant and in high spirits. She enjoys her job and she emits a light which illuminates the entire space. It is clear this “class” provides more than just information.

The next student who enters requires a special device to perceive her environment that looks like a camcorder. The teacher greets her warmly. It appears the girl is special needs, specifically hearing impaired. 

Others enter. They are all ages and genders. Some are more talkative while others are subdued. There is a couple who enter who are very chatty. The woman is cutting out a picture using some curved shears. I am suddenly a participant and ask the woman about her shears. She hands them to me to try. I begin to cut and the woman’s partner becomes anxious, worried I will cut outside the lines. I sense his anxiety and decided to put down both the shears and the item I am cutting. His anxiety vanishes.

The teacher then calls to the class. She has a list and is talking about an upcoming event. She is asking for volunteers. One woman says she will bring bread but says, “The kind with gluten”. lol I look on the list and see the item “Bread” and there is no blank to write the gluten part but the woman’s name is there. There are other items on the list, which is very long. Some still have no name beside them. I remember thinking, “No point in putting my name on the list. I won’t be here.” There was finality in this thought.

Then there was discussion about the schedule. I only remember that the time class was done for the day would get the students to the bus by 4:55pm. I remember panicking and looking at my watch because I thought it was already well past that time. The time on my watch was a few minutes before 4pm.

Tears

At a later time I wake up crying but can’t really recall why. I only remember that I had been singing. I lingered in bed a while pondering my tears and the dreams of the night. 

I seldomly sing these days. Singing use to bring me such joy. I have so little joy left. Even thinking of singing feels pointless. If I was crying because of singing, it doesn’t surprise me. The tears were probably tears of relief, relief at finally feeling something positive. 

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A Hellish 10 Days

How is everyone? The eclipse energies and whatever else was going on alongside it was intense, wasn’t it? For me, particularly, it was quite a challenge.

First, there was the mental torture. I did it to myself, of course. My monkey-mind was very, very difficult to shut down. I kept thinking that I needed to act on the repetitive thoughts, because, well they were repeating. As someone with a completely open head center (Human Design) this is a very bad idea. The head center is a pressure center. This means that there is a sense that one should act on the thoughts they are having. But this center doesn’t have the means in and of itself to take any action. It just exerts pressure. Without being connected to an energy center that can take the thoughts and put them into action, the pressure just sits there saying, “DO SOMETHING”. An open head center is like a radio station that never tunes to one channel for very long. The channels constantly change; a constant flow of random thoughts and ideas. So, I have never-ending mind chatter as a rule and the key is to ignore it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t ignore it and it made some unnecessary waves in my life. Thankfully, the waves settled on their own. I could’ve done without the drama, though. Bleh!

On top of all the above, I had some crazy physical symptoms that came out of the blue all at once and with an intensity that had me worried I would have to go to the ER. I know for a fact that my monkey mind created some of it, but at the time I didn’t see the connection.

The physical issues that arose were numerous. The most concerning were the heart palpitations. I’ve had experience with them in the past but never like this. To give you an idea of how frequent they occurred, in a 30 minute window I noted 6 incidences and this was while I was fairly calm, standing at my desk doing work. In comparison, my past experiences would be one or two as I settled down to sleep. The palpitations never came with any other symptoms – no chest pain, no breathing difficulty, no light-headedness – so I just monitored them and changed my intake of caffeine to see if it would help. Two days after cutting all caffeine, the palpitations decreased significantly. Now, at day five they are all but gone. Yay!

One night, however, I was awakened by a bad dream and a pounding heart that wouldn’t settle after waking. In the dream I had taken a young boy hostage and was torturing him (eeek!). I decided to let him go because I didn’t want to kill him. When I did, I immediately regretted my decision and became frantic as I attempted to clean up all traces of me from the crime scene. However, I knew I didn’t have enough time and began to freak out in the dream. When I woke my heart rate was around 100BPM and it took about a half hour for it to settle down.

As a result of the heart palpitations I was constantly staving off panic attacks. Ugh! I became a super-hermit as a result. lol

I had also been feeling more tired in the evenings. It was the tired like I took a sleeping pill when I didn’t. The fatigue would hit me around 8pm, so it didn’t impact my day. Then I would sleep really, really deeply.

I’ve also been extremely angry to the point that I struggle to hold it back. I had a wall of emotion break through and behind it was the anger. Loads and loads – a lifetime of anger.

I’ve also had really itchy arms and eczema. Ugh! So annoying! Thankfully, this is also subsiding now.

In order to ease the physical and mental symptoms, I began to meditate more, take afternoon naps and just increase overall self-care. I even did some Reiki self-healing, which I rarely do.

Thankfully, all of the above has settled. My mind is quieter and I feel calmer in general, the fatigue in the evenings has vanished, my heart palpitations are nearly non-existent and my eczema is clearing. My sleep is back to normal, also, with more frequent waking and better dream recall. The anger is still present, but no longer threatening to overflow. I now need to find a way to release it without negatively impacting those around me.

Dreams

Two distinct dreams from early this morning.

Fairies

In the first one, I was visiting a cavern with my Mom, her husband and my brother. My brother was young, maybe 10 years old. I arrived early when something caught my eye. It was some kind of machine and there were these small, white, fluffy creatures flying around it that resembled a dandelion capitulum. They appeared to be alive, like fairies or butterflies. I tried to take photos and video and my phone froze after a few pics. So, I watched the little fairies, fascinated. They soon transformed into these flat, round, blobs that stuck to the side of the tower. Each had circular nodules poking out of the tops. I was fascinated by them so when Mom arrived I showed her and she said my sister had played that game. I guess it was a half real/half simulated video game of some kind? 

Then Mom and I left and I asked about waiting for her husband and my brother. She said he would call and meet up with us later. We were walking outside in a parking lot but then shifted to inside a space. There, she was going through pots and pans and I had memory of  my sister asking me, through tears, if I had a pasta pot she could have because she lost hers. I mentioned it to Mom and then had memory of a pot and pan I had given Mom a long time ago. It was from early in my marriage. 

Then, we were sitting next to each other talking, but when I turned to look at my mom, she wasn’t there, a blonde man was. He was showing me some wounds on his arms and I saw a circular spot of blood on his blue jeans. I asked, “Did I do that to you?” He laughed and said I hadn’t. Then, without warning, I felt an energy from him that was very attractive and full of love. It washed over me and I leaned toward him as he leaned towards me. We were about to embrace when the energy woke me up. It swirled around my entire body for a bit before I returned to sleep.

Beauty Knows Beauty

This dream began with a story and visual of a young woman. She had been in an accident that had ripped half of her scalp off. After surgery she was almost completely bald. I was told and saw how she had to use makeup and to fill in the bald spots. The hair she had was mostly stubble. I watched as she meticulously filled in bald spots in the front with makeup. I remember thinking she actually looked good and thinking others would get use to her looking that way.

Then I was in a salon. I believe I was both an observer and the participant because I shifted perspectives quite often. The bald girl was me and I was there to get a wig fitted. Then I was standing next to the stylist showing her how long to make the extensions for a black woman (also me). The extensions were extremely long and needed to be trimmed.  

When the black woman’s hair was done she looked beautiful with her new extensions. However, her hair shifted from black to pure white as did her fake eyelashes. As I saw this, the stylist came up to me and put fake eyelashes on me. I laughed because I don’t wear them usually. One wouldn’t stick and I tried to put it back, holding it in my hands for a second to look at it. One second it was black and the next it was white. I never got to see my reflection but was staring at the black woman who now had white hair and lashes.

The stylist, also black, and the other black woman sat and chatted with me like we were good friends. They asked me if I was married and I confirmed I was. They asked how long and I said, “Since 1997, but I’m on my second marriage.” They asked how it was going and I said, “Okay, but as soon as someone better comes along I’m leaving.” We all laughed in unison. One woman was about to ask another question but I interrupted and said, “Do you mind me asking you both something? Why is it that men don’t know how to pleasure a woman?” They laughed in understanding. The answer I got was a sense that the other women knew it as an accepted fact. It also felt like part of the answer was that women were far superior to men when it came to intimacy and connection. Though we know this we don’t boast about it or try to make less of the men. It is a lesson in patience, understanding and acceptance. 

Then, the woman who had white hair was the focus. Her hair was black again and she was upset. I remember reassuring her that she was beautiful. She said, “How do you know? You’re not God.” I replied, “The beauty in me sees the beauty in you.” I wiped the tears from her cheeks as she smiled in gratitude.

Interpretations

My sense of the first dream is that I was being taken in my subconscious (caverns). The “fairies” represent those things which are curious and magical. They shed light on the “games” I enjoy in waking reality. The ending is a reminder of the love available to me.

The second dream feels to be a reflection on inner versus outer beauty. I saw beauty in both women who I also became through the course of the dream. The bald woman and the black woman were both version of myself who I found beautiful in their own distinct ways. The message I gave the woman at the end was also a message to myself. A reminder of what true beauty is.

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Progress and K Dream

I’ve been struggling with monkey-mind more than usual this past two weeks. I got fed up with it and finally prayed for assistance.

Assistance was provided, though I wasn’t consciously aware of the change until the end of the day, Monday.

Since then, mind chatter has been low to non-existent. I actually caught myself ignoring thoughts that passed through rather than focusing on them. The results were magnificent; however, I caught myself “bored” on more than one occasion. It is odd to have no thought and I find it “boring”. When my mind chatter is turned on there is so much to be “entertained” by that it makes life a bit more interesting. The problem is that the kind of things I think of are usually not positive. I typically focus on problems, on things that irritate and annoy me or on random memories and events that have no point except to pull me out of the present moment. 

I realized I give my thoughts so much energy to remind myself of things that need to be done. If I am not thinking of that to-do list for the day/week/month, then I worry I will forget and end up with future problems. For example, if I don’t remember to pick up my child from that after school practice or don’t pay a bill. But if I look at most of the items on this never-ending to-do list, there are few that really are so important that I need to constantly remind myself of them. Thinking of things that need to be done typically leaves me feeling anxious or unsettled. So, it would be better, I think, to just let them go along with all the other pointless information floating around in my head. 

As someone with a completely open head center in HD, there is a “pressure to think about things that don’t matter,”. An open head is a constant in-flow of pointless chatter. My youngest son, who has an undefined head center, easily gets pulled into this chatter, also. He has mentioned struggling to keep his mind quiet. He often goes off into daydreams or loses touch with present time conversations because of it. When he was really little, he would blurt out random comments out of the blue. He still does this every now and then. I suspect as he gets older he will withhold the random, off-subject comments but he will still think them. This happens as people repeatedly reject him for this quirky habit. I know, I learned to keep quiet for the same reason. I was always blurting out random things as a child. I still sometimes do. lol

Every one in my family – me, my husband and three children – have open/undefined head centers. All of us are going around thinking about things that don’t matter and blurting out off-topic stuff at random. It can be quite entertaining, until it’s not. lol

Surprise K Dream

With my success in containing my monkey-mind, at least for the time being, I was blessed with another K Dream. 🙂

In the dream, my husband took me and the kids to a friend’s house. We were at their house in their garage and my husband let the boys play with her boys. I remember the purpose of the visit was to plan some event. 

Then they (my husband, his friend and others) all were wearing bright red capes with hoods. It reminded me of a cult. The capes had a gold emblem on the front. When they all had their hoods up it was creepy. They were gathering for some kind of ceremony. This creeped me out and I demanded the children leave with me. I got them to meet me at a truck and we drove off.

Then I was inside a space with a male energy who I considered my “husband”. Someone was talking to me. IDK if it was this “husband” or someone else. I remember seeing a line of naked men facing me while standing along a black wall, hand-in-hand. There was no way to get through them and they didn’t move. The man whose voice I heard told me, “You should have more sex”. I disagreed, of course, and was not interested. I sat down with my back to the “husband” character in the dream as the voice made this statement. I was very resistant and the emotion I remember feeling the strongest was anger. It made me angry that this man would suggest I have more sex with my husband. My anger created an energetic “wall” around me.

The anger was still strong when my “husband” slowly pulled up behind me. I couldn’t see him but he was very obviously attempting to have sex with me. I could feel him pressed up against my back. Still angry and purposefully facing away from him, I didn’t physically resist his advances. I felt a surge of pleasure like a lightening bolt hit my root. I moved with it and it exploded upward becoming ever more pleasurable. It wasn’t an orgasm, though, just pure ecstasy.

The feeling woke me but did not stop. Instead, it spread upward into my heart where it settled and then moved back down. The energy kept circulating between root and heart this way for some time. It was pleasurable but not overwhelming.

The message to “have more sex” was odd. With who I wonder? The men lined up against the black wall? So odd! What is clear is that I have a lot of pent-up anger I’m carrying around. The anger didn’t feel bad in the dream, it felt almost good, like tension that has built-up over time.

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March 20 – Dream With My Sister

Still no lucidity but I was advised via the Lucid Dreaming forum to ask my dreams to show me certain things. Two nights ago I asked to be shown what to do regarding my sister. Specifically, I asked, “Show me what to do about my sister.” I got no immediate answer in my dreams; however, last night I had the idea to begin nightly prayer. So, while doing my small yoga practice, I prayed for her, our mom and the entire dramatic family situation. I also prayed for all in distress. I felt better for it. 

Last night (March 20-21st) I got an entire dream about my sister!

Dream: We Leave on the 18th

This may have actually been two dreams because there are two different environments.

The first part was inside a house, probably Mom’s house. My sister was telling me that she had just learned she was a Projector. She was explaining what it meant and I interrupted, asking her to repeat herself because she wasn’t calling it Human Design. She told me, “I’m a Projector”. I told her, “No you’re not. You’re a Generator, as is your husband and son.” I then told her their profile types and explained it further. 

This part of the dream lasted a while but it was mostly me explaining HD. I recall thinking about her design and remembering she is split definition, which can cause a person to feel extremely confused about themselves, their identity and life – they are “split”. My understanding of split definition is that it can lead to codependency tendencies because someone who has split definition finds they feel “whole” when around others. This is most definitely my sister’s issue. 

Then I was in a car. My sister was driving and we were talking as we drove. She first drove through the small town we spent most of our school years in and headed towards a certain store. I only remember it started with the word “Moon” (Divine Feminine). It sold jewelry and my sister was talking about paying the rest of the money she had put down on some jewelry. I asked her if perhaps she could think of something better to spend her money on, especially considering her situation (broke, living off our mom, no job, etc). I think I said, “Don’t you think you should pay back Mom for her help?” I don’t remember her reply but she turned the car around and never went to the store.

We got onto a highway and passed by a small, industrial complex. My sister pointed out a building amidst the warehouses (ideas put on hold, stored resources). It was a church (seeking spiritual guidance, purpose). She said, “That’s where we go.” I turned around and looked, noticed it was a church and said, “Really?” It seemed strange to me and I said, “That’s a weird place for a church.” 

We drove through more hilly terrain and my sister was happily talking about others things and acting as if everything were fine. She was clearly avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. She tends to do this in waking reality, too. She pretends like things are how they use to be, before she went to jail and started making poor life decisions.

Eventually, I interrupted and asked her about her current situation. She began to blame others, even me, for her predicament. Specially, she confronted me on not helping her out when she “needed me the most”. I didn’t deny it but reminded her that no one is perfect and I was only doing what felt correct to me. She didn’t argue and seemed to be inviting me to talk more. So, I told her what I felt she should do and what she should avoid doing in the future. I brought up her spending habits, how she spends money like it is burning a hole in her pocket rather than using it for bills and living expenses. It is like she expects other people to spend their money on her basic needs. I suggested she get a job and take the route of working her way back to independence. She didn’t say what I expected, instead she told me, “We leave on the 18th.” This woke me up.

Considerations

The dream felt more like a processing dream to me than an actual dream encounter. The first indication of that is that my sister was calling herself a Projector. My guess is the first half of the dream was my sorting through thoughts I’ve had regarding my sister and my daughter, who are both split definition. I have noticed similar tendencies in them. They both act more confident when around friends/groups. My daughter, however, has already shown that she is much better at making positive life choices and has a strong will. While my sister has always been prone to following the crowd and not having much common sense. Looking at their bodygraphs, my sister is split between her mind and her authority (sacral) while my daughter’s mind is directly linked to her authority (solar plexus).

The second half of the dream is mostly me telling my sister what I want to tell her in waking life. Very few times has she verbally or energetically sent me an invitation and sought my advice. When she has, she has opted to ignore my advice completely. 

I have no idea what the “we leave on the 18th” is about. I will take note of it for now. It may or may not be significant.

I will continue to pray for my sister nightly. Maybe it will help. It definitely can’t hurt.

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Dreams of Caution

There was a massive solar storm in the last 24 hours. This created disruptions in my sleep patterns. Thankfully, last night I was able to return to my regular sleep cycle. I had very deep sleep and woke up feeling rested and groggy like I could sleep more.

I had some cool dreams. I think keeping a notepad next to my bed and writing down dreams as they happen has been helping my recall. Unfortunately, I did not become lucid at any point in the night.

Dream Message: I’m Ready When You Are

In the first, I was meeting up with a man who resembled an ex who I had a really intense sexual connection with. It felt like a reunion meeting.

In the beginning of the dream, we were both at the bank (reserve energy) where I was making a withdrawal (favorable situation). I had withdrawn a huge bundle of cash and was carrying it around but couldn’t find anywhere to keep it safe because it was too big. I eventually asked the bank teller for an envelope to put it in. I took it with me when I went with the man and I lost track of it after being distracted by him. I was frantic looking for it and he smirked and showed me he had it. I laughed because he was being “cheeky” and remembered this was his usual sense of humor. The message was to “lighten up”.

What I recall the most is that I was enjoying being around him. He made me feel alive. At one point he passionately tossed me on the bed as we were making out. He was curious and questioned why I didn’t have an orgasm right then and there, just from being tossed on the bed. I told him that wasn’t usual for me and he seemed to think it was for other women who had been with him. I thought it strange in the dream but didn’t become lucid because of it. Plus, we didn’t do anything sexual. However, I could feel a strong attraction to him and it felt like we were “together” in the dream.

The man had to leave for a while and was conscious of how this normally would bring me anxiety. I recall telling someone, “I love him” but knowing it was not love but my addiction to the amazing energy shot I was receiving. However, I recognized I had learned from past lessons and so knew it was wise to have some distance between us considering how I tend to get overly energized being around a connection like that for too long. In the dream I was thinking Manifesting Generator (highest energy of all HD types). I recognized that, in the beginning of a relationship with someone with a defined sacral, I tend to crave being around them. It is like a drug and I can’t get enough. They can’t either. I also saw how, after some time, that craving could easily turn around and bite me in the ass. 

When he returned, I was calm and unaffected by his absence. I remember there being an understanding that we had both grown wiser in our time apart. We had matured greatly. He told me that he was gone because his family home had been burglarized and renovations were needed. Only a few things were taken but the damage had to be repaired. 

I woke up, still feeling the amazing energy of connection and thinking about how alive it made me feel. As I began to drift back to sleep, I recognized I was conversing with someone, the man from my dream I think. He said to me, “I’m ready when you are.” This woke me completely and I replied, “I’m ready”. 

What it is I am ready for I am not sure but I ended up returning to sleep and had a series of dreams after.

Dreams of Caution

I was with a group of college aged people. We were lounging on floats in the water (emotion, healing) of a donut-shaped pool. There had been a volcanic eruption (Kundalini) nearby. One of the students, a male, purposefully jumped into the water knowing it could kill him. He died immediately. It was only then I realized how hot the water was as a result of the eruption. I watched his body float away as we all scrambled away from the water. Some of us had been trapped on floats further away and had to risk it and jump in. I was one and when I got in the water was hot but not boiling.

Once out of the water I ended up in a car (life path) driving down a highway in the mountains. My view was obstructed, however, by a heavy blanket and pillows. I kept pushing them out of the way, putting them in the other seats but the blanket was so huge it kept obstructing my view. This happened a few times, scaring me because I couldn’t see the road. On the last time I lost control when I couldn’t see a sharp, downhill turn, and fishtailed into the ditch. Both myself and my car were unharmed.

While this was happening a male voice was talking to me. I suspect what he was saying was what I was seeing/experiencing in the dream. He was warning me. Based upon the symbolism it appears that my high caution and protective measures will obscure my clarity (vision) which could lead to my losing control of my vehicle.

As I was coming out of this dream there was one last part. I was startled by something behind and turned around quickly. Behind me was a massive white semi-truck. It had pulled up behind me and was still running. I heard the male voice ask, “Are you ready?” Semi-truck = hard work, transformation, strength in adversity.

This is the third time in a short period I’ve seen a semi-truck in my dreams.

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Seeing Myself

A recent situation in my life has brought me some much needed clarity. My understanding in the end is that a huge part of my journey is understanding that I must first see myself and only then can I be true to myself.

In summary, a group I have long been associated with via my husband, has rejected me (again). In this particular situation, my husband was the one pushing me to “try again”. I’ve had great success in the past using the methods of this group to gain clarity and make progress energetically and spiritually. However, there came a time when they refused me their services unless I followed their specific route. Their way did not align with my way, so I refused, and have been “stuck” in terms of that path ever since. So, when my husband and SIL began to push for the group to make an exception, I didn’t refuse their help because if I could get more assistance via their methods I knew it would be very helpful. I told my husband to go ahead and try but I didn’t think it would work out. I had a strong Knowing, in fact.

In the end, the group did nothing different than before and the cycle is now “dead”

The whole incident had me thinking of groups and how, no matter what group I am a part of, I end up feeling like I don’t belong. I’m just not a follower nor am I someone who enjoys groups. I am a leader but then my design makes me one of those leaders people won’t follow, at least not groups of people, because my reasons for what I do is “just because I Know” and most people want logical reasons. I don’t work like that. However, I remember listening to a Ra video where he said of all the people who he would follow it would be the person with the 1-8 channel, like me, because THEY KNOW. We do our own thing and it is correct. People follow the others but eventually they see our path was the right one but it is too late, they fell off the cliff following the other “logical” fellow. Ha!

So it is no wonder I don’t fit into this particular “group”. I am only bitter because, as usual, they don’t see that my Knowing is correct for me and keep trying to force their more logical path on me. They resent my independent nature, look down upon me, judge me for being true to my own path. I know my path is correct. I don’t have real reasons for this, but I will give you some to make you feel better. lol However, those reasons will never be enough for others. They will still think their path is better. It might be – for them. For me it doesn’t fit and so I go my own way. It really rubs them the wrong way when they hear I have the abilities I have, abilities they are all trying to get but haven’t found, when I haven’t done it their way. They think I am not truthful or that I am elaborating or something. It is a no win situation for me if I seek approval or validation from them. It won’t be coming. EVER. Not unless I pretend to believe their path is correct for me, which I can’t do for long. I do not have a poker face. lol It (the pretense) always falls down in a pile of bitterness at my feet and they look at me, shocked and full of judgment.

It is very true for me that the only approval and validation I will ever get is by being true to myself. The approval will either come from within, where I feel that little spark that says, “Yes! This is correct!” or it will come from a rare few who are in awe of me but I won’t understand why. The fact is, I don’t care about what the group thinks or says, not really. If I lead myself to believe this, I get hurt – bad. This not-self behavior was conditioned into me from an early age and is part of all my undefined centers. People just can’t swallow that I don’t care – truly – what the group or others think. It makes them want to label me as anti-social, selfish, narcissistic, etc. I’ve become very good at pretending in an attempt to make others feel more comfortable around me. It is a lie for the most part. I will always be the black sheep in a group setting.

My husband hates that I don’t care what he or others think. He cares very much (but his design says he is more similar to me). He cares a lot about what the group thinks and works very hard to be part of it. He fights with himself. I see the constant internal struggle. He wants to be like me, to not care and “go his own way” and will blow up at the group on occasion, but generally he plays along, convinced he needs to be an accepted part of the group. I think he is with me to live vicariously through me because he lacks courage to really be himself. He tells me this often in various ways. He values my independence and my ability to stand alone despite others riling against me.

I think my path now is to recognize and embrace these things about myself while tossing the lingering resentment that has come from a lifetime of trying to fit in and never achieving it. It has come with some nasty lessons. So often I feel bad when I am true to myself because someone seems to always get their feelings hurt. They can’t understand why I am so “cold” and seemingly “uncaring”. It isn’t that I don’t care, it is that I don’t have the energy to pretend to go along with whatever drama they are playing out. I can see past their present into the future and know that their dramatic reaction is unnecessary. But they never think to ask me to share my wisdom. They are caught up in the present, unable to see me through their judgment and whatever high emotion they are moving through.

One of the hardest things for me is to observe but not be asked what I see, nor does anyone even notice I am there most of the time. It is like I have noticed many times over this lifetime. I feel like I am standing in the eye of the hurricane, watching everyone circulate through chaos around me but not being able to do or say anything to change it. It isn’t that I don’t experience the chaos, either, I do. It is more that I am able to step in and out of it at will. In the past I thought it out of my control, but really it isn’t . The older I get, the more I recognize this gift I have.

It is no wonder I am retreating into hermit mode. I will probably be there the rest of my life. No more seeking out groups to be rejected because I want so badly to be invited to share my wisdom. It is pointless. Trying to force that to happen is just asking for a negative experience. So, it is best to just enjoy my solitude and let some passerby notice me and call me out. It is a one in a million chance, too, because there are so few designed to truly SEE me. I just have to have faith that the right ones will be led my way. In the meantime, I will just dance to the beat of my own drum inside my hermitage.

For those not familiar with my Human Design chart, here it is. Maybe it will give you insight into me and so understand all I wrote above: