Category Archives: karma

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Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

Woke up from a Kundalini dream at 3:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. 

Kundalini Dream: The Heart Fire Returns

I was visiting my heart connection. It seemed like he was showing me his past. This part of the dream is not as clear as the rest but I recall his mom being present and somehow knew we were in California. I have seen pictures of her and she was much younger in the dream and seemed vibrant and full of energy. It felt like he was showing me this part of his life to explain his connection to his mom. What I recall the most is that he was very preoccupied with the task at hand, his energy very active and rushed. 

The dream shifted to a more rural area (deeper emotional goal). It felt like rural Georgia and there was a sense that my heart connection was nearby and I was visiting him. I was taking two dogs (loyalty to two different aspects), one large and one small (seeking balance), for a drive down an unfamiliar road. As I drove the road suddenly shifted to a white dirt road (shift to subconscious). Something about seeing the dirt road caused me to worry I would get lost so I decided to slow down and find a place to turn around. I pulled into a half circle driveway to turn around and two older ladies approached me. My car disappeared (slower pace where I am more vulnerable and grounded) and I was now walking the dogs on leashes. The women were friendly, asking if I was from around there and while we talked the larger dog started to wander away. I noticed I had lost grip of its leash and I told the women, “I can’t chase him or he’ll run.” I explained to them how to get him to return and sure enough he circled around happily, greeted them with sniffs and sat down (I’ve learned not to force connections). 

Then I was inside an unfamiliar bedroom (shift from journey stage to one of waiting) laying on a large bed. It felt like I was in my heart connection’s bedroom (view of his inner world). I was clothed in a tank top and shorts laying mostly on top of the covers (not yet fully integrated). The room itself was dark (unconscious) in color and somewhat large. I believe there was a dresser with a mirror near the foot of the bed (self-reflection, inner truth). To my left was the door. I remember mulling over memories of a dream conversation I had with my heart connection prior to this moment in time. I only recall flashes of the dream here. There is a sense of his journey and movement or progression along a planned path. There was also a sense of his mindset and feelings to include that he still had some work to do in regards to the karma he was settling with his mother. 

Though I don’t remember it now I feel like the dream was overlaying another dream in which I was actually with him having this discussion. I’ve had this happen frequently in dreamtime.

At some point I pulled down the right side of my tank top (vulnerability, self-exposure). I don’t know why I did this. I have faint memory of having exercised and feeling hot only I never got up out of the bed. From my right I felt my heart connection come out of the shadows. He leaned over me. There was an immediate burning sensation in my heart chakra as if it was burning straight through me. The sensation was like the fire of desire I usually feel in the lower chakras only it was in my heart. He leaned over me, kneeling partially on the bed, and kissed me four times (grounding of the spiritual fire into reality), each time the fire in my chest grew seeming to expand and envelope us both. 

He ended up over the top of me and I suddenly felt exposed; naked. He was too and I could feel he was aroused. Concerned for him, I pulled in my left knee to block him getting any closer. I knew he wasn’t ready. I knew I wasn’t ready. He slowly withdrew, looked directly at me and said, “Thank you.” We shared a moment of mutual understanding and then he stood up. He was no longer naked but clothed (symbolizes getting back to work). Seeing his clothes, I immediately covered my exposed breast and said to him, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I didn’t mean to…”. Unconcerned, he walked to the door and began to leave, explaining he had to go but would come right back when he was done. I got the sense that he was going to finish his karmic work. It’s like he was explaining, “I am so close, just not quite done yet. I’ll come back, I promise.”

Him leaving was heart wrenching. The fire in my heart was burning but I was in agony. I couldn’t reconcile the longing I was experiencing with the Knowing that it was not yet time. I was also struggling with memory of the previous pain, the decimation I experienced, when he left the first time. The intensity of emotion and the heart fire woke me. 

Reflection

The first thing I felt was panic. Memory flooded in along with the question I had asked all those years ago and was asking again, “Why is this happening to me?” My guides were close and reminded me I had chosen this. Knowing flooded in and I felt the same agony I felt in the dream. All I could say to them was, “I can’t [do this again]”. 

Last summer I was told I had chosen the fast-track. So, so much has happened since then. I am just now feeling somewhat settled and steady. I am getting ready to make even more changes to my life, changes that I feel are more in alignment with who I am. It won’t be easy and I get that, but I was not expecting this. If the Kundalini returns it will most definitely complicate things.

If I am suppose to finish what was started, fine, I get it. Leaving work unfinished is unwise, especially work of this nature.

The dream gave me perspective I didn’t previously have. I understand where my heart connection is coming from and how he has changed. And boy has he changed! His energy is different, more decisive and confident. I cannot recall one dream with him in it from my past where he did what he did in this dream. He was always hesitant. Not anymore. It feels like he is stepping fully into his masculinity.

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Spontaneous Poetry

It has been a strangely revelatory day. I think I finally see some things clearer. Spontaneously, I made a voice recording in an attempt to describe what I was experiencing and below is what came out of my mouth:

I left you in my heart a long time ago.
Only echoes remain.
The distance just grew wider, yet
for some reason I remained.
It was only when I saw you,
truly saw what you could be,
that I decided to go the distance,
I decided to just be me. 

And then this:

In the darkness, in the sorrow,
wretched tangle of misery,
sprouts a leaf on the morrow from a twig that once was me.
A haze forms in the distance, 
a silhouette of something – a mystery, 
only as I gather strength, 
the courage to understand
does that figure slowly turn and look 
before fading into memory. 

And still more….

The shallow breath of a wretched heart
twisted and tangled up inside itself
begging to be freed
oozing from an unseen wound
bleeding notes of regret and abandon 
as it sings a warning to the future:
“Do not tread this way for the path has crumbled 
and is strewn with intolerance of what once was 
and never will be again”.

And finally:

I gave this one a title.

You & Me 

I saw you in myself today,
unseen, desperate, invisible.
No one heard you, no one saw,
when you crumpled to the floor
exhausted, your pleas gone unheard,
your heart broken, desperate to be touched.

I felt you in my tears today, never-ending, 
from a well deep within 
that was filled over the years
by my silence in the face of your agony.

I heard you in my voice today,
defiant and rebellious,
withstanding all forces 
with the last ounces of your strength, 
fist pounding, 
blood boiling, 
eyes wild,
choking on the whispers of the truth 
I couldn’t see.

I felt you in my heart today,
deep in the bottom, 
near the end of the path we traveled together.
There you will remain, 
wrapped in ribbon,
tied in string, 
bundled up 
until I’m ready to open the gift you left for me.

The first felt to be about my ex as I spoke but after I read it I feel it is about myself.
As are the two that follow, each a different aspect of my journey to this point in time.

The last is me recognizing myself in my ex; we are one and the same. I try to express it the best I can, but even now I feel the words are not enough. When I began to speak aloud “I felt you in my heart today”, I choked on tears and it took me a while to continue. That one was the kicker I think because I honestly didn’t think I had anything left in my heart for my ex.

What is interesting is that all of these words came to me independently of one another, without any consideration of what they would say when they came together.

All this because today I had to go through all my texts with my ex since January in preparation for the upcoming mediation. I was at work and somehow no one disturbed me. The time passed without me even noticing. By the end I felt transformed somehow. I think it was my looking at everything from outside of it that did it. 

Final takeaway (the gift perhaps?): I have always wanted my ex to truly SEE me. It seems I rarely saw him. How can I expect someone to see me if I refuse to see them first? 

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Dream: Crawdad in My Hair

Had a dream the other night that has a message that has been on my mind.

In the dream, there was a bright red crawdad (crayfish). I had leaned over to get something and my hair cascaded down near it. The crawdad grabbed onto my hair and climbed up onto my head. I freaked out and began screaming, “Get it off! Get it off!” while trying to grab it but then shying away from it. I remember worrying it would sting me and feeling like it would be a very bad thing if it did. Someone was there trying to help me get it out of my hair but I woke before it was taken out. 

Here is the message of crayfish: Crayfish Totem. 

It took me a whole day to finally look it up because I had a feeling it was not something I wanted to hear (thus wanting it off my head and thinking it would sting me in the dream). And yes, the message was that I need to shed my old skin and let go of the old to make way for the new. It also is telling me to pay attention to my dreams. I think the crawdad being in my hair is also meaningful. Hair represents strength and growth. The crawdad being in my hair is reminding me that, to grow, one must shed the old, which can sometimes be very painful. The fact that the crawdad was red may also be significant. It could symbolize anger, aggression, and even passion. I think in this instance it was power and new beginnings. I experience fear from these things in general.

Since our divorce was finalized on the 22nd of January, my ex has been very nice and accommodating. Our relationship is better than ever and it has led us to fall back into old patterns and behaviors. These behaviors are more like they were early in our relationship, not like the last few years. For example, he had a dozen roses delivered to me for Valentine’s Day. We are acting more married and loving than in a long time. It is just habit and it is hard to end old habits when in such close proximity. He is still in the house when I am staying there, something I’ve asked him to remedy. I’ve spoken with him about it, reminding him that we are divorced and should be planning for our new, single lives – apart.  

Until just recently all the bills were still in my name. I have since cancelled service and transferred what I could. This upset him but they are his bills, not mine, and late payment would impact my credit, not his, if left in my name. Tomorrow he asked me to help him call all the utility providers to set up service in his name. He has little to no experience with financial matters but he has to step up now and I think he is a bit unsure of himself.

My SIL has been threatening to sue my ex for “divorce fraud”. LOL But then she was very angry at the time. She won’t do it, it’s just a hollow threat to get his attention (even if she did it has no standing). She is mostly upset as a part-owner in the company because I will be getting monthly payments soon and she thinks I am stealing from the company. She doesn’t really understand the arrangement I don’t think. The money is from my ex, not her or the company, it just comes from the company as his portion owed to me. Anyway, I think she has a point (re: the fraud part) and I told him as much. He just laughed it off. 

It is easy to get caught up in what is comfortable and familiar. I think the crawdad is correct – it is time for me to shed my old skin – but I struggle because so much of my life is tangled up with my ex and my position working at the family company. I enjoy my job, especially the WFH aspect. I don’t know what to replace it with were I to resign. I have no issue walking away from his family but walking away from my ex will be hard. He is good at reeling me in – we are good parent partners and get along really well as friends. I am not one to hold grudges or hang onto stupid upsets. I wish sometimes I was because it would make this easier. 

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Heart Purge Dream and Message: Citen

Major heart purge in dreamtime last night/this morning.

First short dream – Taken to crystal clear ocean and swam in the waist deep water. The water was warm and I remember saying, “I could stay here forever.” This dream indicates healing.

Heart purge dream – Me and a small group of people were taken to the house of an Asian man who we all thought of as a teacher or medicine man. He made a mixture that was full of ingredients that looked pretty gross. The final product was gray and white and of the consistency of porridge. We all ate some and it tasted mildly sweet. We were told it would cause us to go on a journey. I remember telling him I wish he had told me that before I ate any. Not long after I saw a guy in the group go to wooden box the size of a casket and try to get inside for something (artwork I think). I tried to tell him it wasn’t real but he persisted, trying to break it open. Then something caught my attention. I turned and saw woman crying for help so I went to investigate. There was a grotesque creature at her door. It was a blocky, human-like figure colored white with painted on features that reminded me of paintings I’d seen in Japan. I attacked ripping its head off and tearing it apart with my bare hands. I turned back towards the woman who was standing in the doorway. She looked up and so did I. I saw a girl floating above the house who cautiously came out from behind some trees. Recognizing she was a ghost, I told her to go to the Light. She tried but couldn’t and so came back to me for help. She was the woman’s child who had not been able to leave because of the grotesque creature I had just eliminated. As I reached for her, I freed her, but I took on all her emotion and began to cry uncontrollably as my heart exploded in pain. It woke me.

The heart decimation, all to familiar to me, lingered for some time after I woke. With it I could feel my second chakra pulling with energy as well. I was reminded of a conversation I had with my husband not long ago where I told him about my heart bliss episode. I explained how in this world of duality the heart bliss could not exist without the opposite heart pain and shared with him some of the agonizingly painful heart episodes I’d had in the past. Strangely, this heart purge, though painful, was not near as bad as the others. This gives me hope that, perhaps, the end result will be a wholeness that I have yet to experience.

Citen

As I began to drift back to sleep, I received a vivid vision. A word – citen – appeared in my mind. It floated there a while until I read it to myself and it woke me. I looked it up, certain I wouldn’t find it, and discovered it IS a word (middle English).

Citen – To summon or notify (sb.) to appear before a court or a superior; ~ bi office, summon officially.

I find this message intriguing because not only did it feel that I was being called (summoned) as in similar past spiritual incidences, but very soon my husband and I will be summoned to appear before a judge to dissolve our marriage!

Final short dream: I was driving. My son navigated. We were trying to find a location to buy groceries. He took us to a non-grocery store, though, similar to a baby’s r us. As we checked out I questioned the cost of a loaf of bread but I bought it anyway because my son said everything was 50% off. Receipt said only wedding invitations were half price.

I only recalled the dream because of of how vivid the paper I read was that said the only items that qualified for 50% off were wedding invitations. I’ve been having dreams referencing weddings lately.

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Why I am my Mother’s Daughter

Interesting between life recall last night.

My family went out to my mom’s for dinner last night. It turned out very well and was a nice evening. When I got home and was winding down to sleep, I was going over the night’s events, thinking of my mom, and suddenly began to imagine telling her things I should’ve when I was there. I often do this, going over past and even future moments and how I could enhance them by saying or doing things differently. So, I was telling my mom some things I think she needed to hear. I said to her (in my mind), “Mom, I’m so proud of you! You’re a good mom. You’ve done really good as my mom in this life.” Interestingly, I had a sudden flash of what I can only describe as memory when I wondered to myself, “Why did I want to say that to mom?”

The memory was of a visual from above of a young women who was very distraught. She was saying to herself, “I’m not a good mother. I want to be a good mother…” I could feel everything she was feeling. Then I heard myself say to her, “You’ll be okay. I’ll help you.” I don’t know if she actually heard me or not. 

The memory was so quick that I almost didn’t think anything of it, but there was a sense in my heart that it was something that actually happened. I believe I witnessed my mother at some point in her youth, maybe after the birth of my older sister, and answered her call for help. My intention being to come down and help her be “a good mother” because she was so distraught and struggling with the difficult task ahead, specifically with my sister who was a colicky child. My mom has told me horror stories of her time as a brand new mother with a colicky baby who seemed to never stop crying. My dad would be off working and she would be alone, in an unfamiliar city (they were in New Jersey), a new mother, with no family around for support. She told me about her struggles and how, at that time, she had visions of throwing her baby (my older sister) against the wall just so the crying would stop. She was exhausted and needed help but had none. 

I had a between life memory years ago in an OBE where I was in “heaven” in front of a curved screen going through what my life would be. I remember feeling “called” down to Earth after the birth of my older sister. The feeling was absolutely inescapable. I was going “down” and was nervously apprehensive. I wonder now if part of the call I answered was witnessing the struggle my mom was going through and somehow seeing her struggle solidified my decision to incarnate? 

Regardless, it seemed like my imagined conversation with my mom at bedtime unlocked a deeper reason for me being in this life, one that helps me better understand the relationship I have with my mom. We’ve always had a strong connection. 

I was a good baby according to her – quiet, content, and super easy compared to my older sister. Maybe I was that way to show her that mothering could be enjoyable, easy and natural? 

I also recognized when I stopped feeling like my mom and sister were “safe”. A memory came to mind from when I was around 7-8 yrs old. I remember both of them coming into the bathroom and my mom telling my sister to help her hold me down over the toilet. Then my mom put soap in my mouth (Irish Spring, I can still taste it) and literally “washed” it out, reminding me not to say bad words. I have no idea what bad words I said but I do remember feeling completely betrayed by both of them. What was the worst part is that they were both laughing at my distress. So, my guess is that when the two of them are together I go on alert and am super suspicious of being betrayed again. That is how I am. When my trust is broken it is nearly impossible for the person to win it back. 

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Lucid Dream Message: Pay Your Dues

Wonderful lucid dream this morning.

Dream: Following Neil

The dream began as a non-lucid dream. I was at my house tending to my front garden which had become overgrown with tall weeds. I began pulling them one-by-one and tossing them to the side. Some were tangled up in lights and so I had to pause and pull the wires out. When I was finished, the pile was a pretty good size. 

A group arrived and I invited them all in for ice cream. I told them I had a ton of Blue Bell ice cream leftover after pulling the weeds. The group came inside and happily ate the ice cream. A woman I seemed to know thanked me and asked me about a certain person who was like a counselor to me. I remember recognizing what I was doing was way out of character. I wouldn’t invite a large group of people into my house like that, especially these kind of people. I identified them as members of a special church group who my husband associated with. 

Then my SIL arrived with her kids. One of them was climbing around in my freezer and I asked her to get out because it wasn’t safe. I noted the strangeness of the situation, which then got stranger. A large bus drove through the house and down the hallway and stopped. The woman from the church group got out and asked me about the place we were in. I realized it was an entire room I had forgotten existed. I told her something about how when we don’t go to a place frequently enough, we forget it exists. She asked me to clarify and I explained that I hadn’t been in that room for so long I forgot it was there. Then I turned and realized the room was an entire house of it’s own with a kitchen, master bedroom with ensuite and everything. I told the woman I had been advised to cut it off from the main house and rent it out as an apartment. I liked the idea.

We all went back outside and I watched the bus leave, noting the pile of weeds I’d pulled earlier was still there. That’s when Neil arrived. I knew him instantly and even called him by name. This was the man who was like my counselor that the woman had mentioned earlier. He was a plain looking, tall, slender man with graying hair and a nice smile. I felt a familial connection to him and tried to get close to him because it felt so nice to be around him.

He invited me to run with him and took off down the street. I followed but he ran straight into a busy intersection that was full of people (no cars). I stopped and ran perpendicular to him. I lost sight of him more than once and eventually saw him through the crowd. I ran towards him but again lost him. I felt my energy shift and my vision blacked out.

Lucid Dream: Pay Your Dues

I ended up inside a restaurant. Neil was gone but I felt him with me and could hear and talk with him inside my mind. This is when I realized I was dreaming. I was contemplating the dream up until that point and remembered the house from the dream was a creation from another reality. I remembered it in great detail and this brought me to almost full lucidity because it was a kind of ah-ha moment for me.

Sitting at a booth located under a large window, I noticed a woman sitting alone across from me. She was blonde and young but had a full go-tee of blonde stubble. She often stroked it with her hand. She was preparing to eat and had a full array of food and even a bottle of wine in front of her. I felt like she must be lonely and contemplated going over to befriend her. That’s when I noticed she wasn’t alone. She had a female companion with her. 

Then a large man with a tray full of food walked over near me but fell and some of his food slipped into his big belly, spilling all over him. He then sat down almost right next to me. His daughter followed and sat across from him. He got out a large bottle of tabasco and poured half of it on her food and then the other half on his. She took a bite. I couldn’t help but comment, saying if I ate that it would kill me. The man laughed and said it would kill most people.

My energy shifted again and my vision blacked out. I willed myself back to the dream.

I picked up a menu and began to read it. The words moved and formed messages that once read rearranged themselves into different words. I watched the words in amazement, taking note of the messages as best I could but forgetting the majority of them. I spent a while reading the menu. My face soon became wet with tears. I felt a sense of great love from the messages but there was also a hint of sadness and homesickness. I remember Knowing the message was that I have to stay in this physical reality. In fact, a very clear message appeared in writing on the menu at this time. It said, “Pay your dues”. 

Eventually, the menu letters stopped moving and I put it down. I got up and walked to the bathroom and stood in front of the bathroom mirror to put on makeup. In my hand I found a circular compact. When opened it contained some face powder and a small applicator. I looked up at the mirror and saw my reflection but didn’t focus on it too long because I noted my face was warping and shifting, making me seem much less like myself. I looked back down at the compact and spoke with Neil. I think I asked him where he was. He explained how he “borrowed” energy to look as he did but sometimes that energy isn’t available, which was the case in that moment. He also said he preferred to be “invisible” because he’s scared me in the past. I got the feeling he might look like an “alien” and so understood why I might get scared.

The mirror in the bathroom was one that opened up to reveal a cabinet inside but inside wasn’t a cabinet. Instead it contained more messages. Again, the words appeared, I read them and then they vanished. Whatever I read again made me cry. The tears were slow and steady and the feeling I had was strong disappointment like a sulky child. I decided to look at the compact in my hand and noted there were two sides. When I opened the other side the powder was cracked and crumbling and the applicator was dirty. 

Messages

I woke but remained in reverie for a while talking with Neil. He seemed to be leaving and said, “See you soon” and I asked, “What does that mean? Does it mean I will go Home soon?” He chuckled and said, “No”. He then asked me about something I was asked about 10 years ago now. At the time I was still living in my old home. My third child wasn’t yet born. I was sitting outside on the porch in the evening and was asked by a guide, “What if I told you you only had ten years left to live. What would you do differently?” I thought for a while and said, “Nothing.” 

Neil asked me to consider how much I did do differently since then. I thought first of what remained the same. I still feel the same. I still have many of the same habits and routines and am around many of the same people. My family is still struggling with the same challenges.

Then I thought of what I did change. We sold our house and moved. I quit my job and took a part-time job and eventually stopped working altogether. I then started back working the job I currently have which suits me quite well. I’ve traveled more and stepped outside my comfort zone on many occasions. I focused on myself quite a bit, working on my issues and learning to set healthy boundaries. 

So I did change some things. 

Some things haven’t changed, though. My family still has the drama that caused me to want to sell my old house and move in the first place. In fact, that same drama often causes me sleepless nights. I remember clearly that I did not want to live amidst the drama and thought our move would facilitate the end to my sleepless nights over that drama. It did, for a while, but recently I’ve allowed myself to be pulled back in to various degrees. However, recalling all of this has helped me remember that my initial decision to leave was correct and I still do not want anything to do with that place or the drama of it.

My best guess is that this is the karma I am working through. This is me “paying my dues” and this is why I am so sad about remaining. I have no specific memory of this karma, so I can only guess the debt I am repaying. It does feel that my role is to remain detached from it all, to step back and let whatever happens, happen. This can be very difficult!

Update

I can’t remember if I updated on the land and off-grid cabin idea from earlier this year. Basically, building a cabin on my family land is not going to happen. The way the land is situated, the county will not allow my mother to subdivide the land without adding a very expensive road ($150K at least). So, my mom couldn’t sell to me or leave each of her children acreage unless she subdivided the property. Her solution was to create an irrevocable trust. When she dies, we, her children, are required to sell the property and then the profits will be disbursed in monthly payments until gone. None of us will get any land. My sister won’t be able to get any money without doing two things every month: Prove she has a job and take a drug test.

I am okay with it since my feeling was that it is not the best place for me anyway. My older sister is hurt and angry, though, and she doesn’t know about the work/drug test requirement yet. She thinks I manipulated my mom into not giving her land. My mom was never going to give my sister land, though. She worried my sister wouldn’t pay the taxes and the family land would be taken by the county. My mom tried to get one of us siblings to agree to leasing my sister a couple of acres for the rest of her life, rent free. None of us would agree, so that idea was dropped. None of us wanted to be put in the same position my mom is now.

As is it, my sister and her husband are living in their RV next to my mom rent and utility-free. Every time I visit my mom she vents to me about how awful the situation is but she doesn’t do anything about it. I don’t visit often because I feel completely sucked of all my energy and it can take me two days or more to recover. 

Cracked Compact – This keeps coming to mind as symbolic of how I have been feeling lately. It is becoming harder and harder to keep up any kind of façade.

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Dream: A Storm is Coming

 

Had a dream encounter with my heart connection. I wish I had been more lucid.

Dream: A Storm is Coming

The dream began with me in a classroom watching a screen. The images on the screen were being projected by a laptop sitting on a desk in the center of the room. No one else was in the room with me.

The images on the screen showed circles with pictures of faces in them. They were lined up along the left side of the screen. Each face was someone I know in life. I was waiting for a specific person to “log on” – my heart connection. I was anticipating his arrival at a certain time but he was not logging in. As each hour passed I found myself making excuses for why he wasn’t there. I had no upset or anxiety over his absence. 

I remember looking down at the keyboard as I knew I should be focused on my work. There was a presence felt to be behind me, a black woman who felt like my supervisor. It felt like this supervisor wanted me to focus on my work and would be upset if I became distracted. I don’t recall seeing her in the classroom, though.

It was becoming very late in the day. The time was approximately 4pm. The screen showed people coming and going. Some had green dots next their avatars, others none. Those with the green dots were present and interacting. Those without them were not participating but had been viewing the others. I finally saw my heart connection’s avatar but it didn’t have a green dot.

Pleased, I waited for the green dot which arrived not long after. When this happened the dream shifted out of the classroom and into a car. My heart connection was driving and I was in the passenger seat. We talked as he drove. The road was lined with tall pine trees and I could see hills in the distance. I liked wherever it was we were.

As we were driving we talked, catching up on lost time. I watched him as he spoke about things he was currently doing, watching his face and taking in every line and crease, gray hair and smile line. He said that he was going “back to school”. He seemed very concerned about his age and the timing of his decision, as if he were embarrassed that it took him so long. The feeling I got from him was that he felt he had wasted time and was disappointed in himself. I felt like he shouldn’t be so hard on himself and congratulated him. 

We arrived at a school complex. Inside it resembled a high school. It had classrooms and hallways with tiled floors and was colored mostly white. Others were inside but at first we paid them no attention. We stood face to face. There was a sense of relief and reunion for a brief moment. We kissed. There was no powerful jolt of bliss to my heart as has happened in the past. While kissing I could taste salt and my mouth filled with water. It was sweat! It was pouring down his face and I was tasting it as I kissed him. I laughed and told him, “You sure are sweaty. I can taste it.” When I looked up at him, his entire head was drenched.

We walked together through the school still talking but I can’t recall our conversation. Instead, I remember people walking by with what looked like bills in their hands. The first guy said that he was instructed to go outside and across to another building to pay. He was happy because he had been given approval for something and this was the last step. Soon enough, another person came by holding a similar piece of paper and saying the same thing. At the time it felt like they were paying off a loan and their payments were not going through. I remember feeling sorry for them.

Then there was a commotion and everyone in the building ran to one end where there were huge windows. The room was shaking as if there was an earthquake, so we ran to see what was going on. When I looked out the window I thought, “A storm is coming” but all I saw was bright light coming from the sky. It wasn’t lightening but more like something very large was above us shining the light down. The light was so bright it made everything else appear pitch black. My memory is of looking out the windows into this light. The edges of the windows were glowing from the light hitting them but the room in which I was standing and the floor was imperceptible. 

I tried to make out what was going on outside the window but doing so made me wake up.

Message

When I woke I felt really calm and rested. I am always pleasantly surprised when my heart connection shows up in my dreams. This time was no different but the dream felt to last the entire night. I was so long that when I woke I struggled to recall it all and worried I would lose pieces of it, which I likely did. 

I tried to return to sleep, asking to be shown why he appeared in my dream after such a very long time. Just when I was returning to sleep I saw a word appear and also saw a finger pointing at me. The word was, “Losse”. My thought was, “Yeah, I have experienced a great loss” but then the word reappeared as if to correct me: “Losse”. I couldn’t go back to sleep after that.

I looked up “losse” and found, “to let; allow” (German) and “to unload, discharge” (Dutch). 

The word makes sense in that I do need to do all of the above. It seems my guidance was telling me the purpose of my dream was “losse”. I did ask to be shown or told. 

Dream Symbolism

Classroom – lesson. Screen – observation. Circles – cycle of life, karma. Log-in – participate, join. Car – life path. Someone else driving and I’m the passenger – their life path and I am a participant. Sweating – stress, worry, hard work, exertion. Bill stub/loan – karma being repaid. Windows – glimpse into the unknown. Light – illumination of the unknown. Earthquake – a shake up is coming, difficult times.

My overall feeling when I awoke was that the dream was a check-in dream. I think I was checking in on him more than he was on me because the information coming through was about his life. I think him “logging in” was becoming available for me to contact him via dream. 

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Past Forward

An odd theme is presenting itself lately. It seems like past relationships are returning to the present. Usually, this takes place in dreams but it has also seeped into physicality. For example, an ex from years ago has been communicating with me via email for a couple of weeks. I reached out to him first because I read an old email from my journals and wanted to tell him something about what I’d learned from that time. He seemed overjoyed to hear from me and has been emailing me, though intermittently. In the past his emails were very sporadic. He would wait weeks before responding to me and it was very agonizing for the me of almost 20 years ago. Now, I don’t have that issue at all, and his pauses don’t even phase me. I would love to talk like we use to but am feeling like taking my time with this unfolding. What will result, IDK and I don’t have any expectations otherwise.

Similarly, it was not long ago when my “twin” came to mind out of the blue and I felt like he would be contacting me. The reminders began as little hints from the environment like seeing his name here and there or hearing a song from that painful time. Then one night, not long ago, my guides warned me that soon I would be either contacted by him or something similar. It surprised me and then I told my guidance, “I don’t care. I don’t want to talk to him.” 

Then this morning I woke up around 4am from a dream with him in it. When I went back to sleep I had another dream of him.

Dream: Black Mustang

This dream is hard to recall because the second dream overwrote it. 

I remember being around my “twin” in the dream. Mostly, I observed him from a distance. When I recognized him it made an impact and I’m surprised I didn’t become lucid in the dream. I recall seeing another woman with him. She had blonde, almost white hair that came to her shoulders. I never saw her face as her back was to me. 

The next thing I remember is discussing a departure flight time and being outside standing in the snow (frozen emotion) which was very crusty like it had melted and refrozen many times. Parts of it were in drifts so that when you stepped on the surface it would crack and you would fall through to your waist. There was mention of skiing but I don’t think a ski (getting through difficult times) trip was involved. My “twin” said his flight was at 8am and asked me when mine was. I told him, “Not until 1pm.” 

After he left I was sitting alone feeling off and a bit confused. Old emotions were resurfacing and I felt like I had no one to talk to and that no one who could listen would understand. A woman who was concerned and felt motherly asked me what was wrong. I told her, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop thinking about him.” It was a bit of a relief to share this but it didn’t make me feel any better. I was reliving that time in my life. The mother figure said, “You should tell him how you feel.” 

Thankfully, the memories of those emotions didn’t get strong enough to wake me. They were muted but there, especially the upset at not being able to stop thinking about him. It made me feel obsessed and I didn’t want to feel that way.

To my surprise, he returned for a visit. I was overjoyed to see him. He came to show me his Mustang convertible (desires, dreams and wishes). I remember it as both a white color and then a black color. It would shift between the two – the one from my memory (white) and the one he was actually driving (black). He invited me into the car and so I crawled into the back seat. I looked up at the roof which was unlike any convertible I’ve been inside. Only a foot wide sliver of the roof was open to the sky. I could see the underside of the roof. It was sparkling as if covered in glitter. I commented that it was like seeing the stars. Like the car, the color of the roof shifted between black and white. 

I awoke from this dream feeling the muted emotions trying to break the surface. My response was to allow some to do so but then I said, “I’m not going to go there again” and stopped the tears. A guide was close and I spoke to her for a bit. I remember saying, “I still love him”, feeling sad and wishing this life would end. My guide asked me if I thought my wish to leave this life might be connected to my lives with him. I replied that it likely did, though I’ve felt that way since before I met him in this lifetime. I reflected on the past lives I’ve recalled with him and how I often ended up dead after he chose to turn his back on me, leave me, abandon me or ignore me. It felt like the pattern was on-going. The only difference in this life is I’m still alive. 

Dream: Bridge of Cars

When I returned to sleep I entered another dream. This time I didn’t see my “twin” but instead was observing a rickety bridge (transition), one of those kind that is made of rope and wood planks. It was high in the air and swinging. On the bridge were several cars (lives of others) attempting to cross. They were stopped in the center because of the swinging of the bridge. I could see an off-shoot that was roped off, an exit or alternate route. It felt very precarious and it seemed like the cars wouldn’t make it.

The next thing I recall is seeing this Asian man crawling on the underside of the bridge towards the exit. He seemed unafraid as he navigated the moving bridge, crawling underneath it by grabbing onto the rotted and sometimes broken planking. I remember he purposefully didn’t look down. He slipped at one point, nearly falling, but didn’t let it phase him. He successfully climbed onto solid ground and then helped the cars pass through. 

I remember talking to my guide while this dream was occurring. There is memory of my guides referring to my “twin” as “your cousin”. This made me pause as I contemplated what that might mean. It likely means we are very, very close soul family (first tier). Then I asked, “What should I do?” The response I got was, “He wants you to do the work.” This answer was given around the time I saw the man crawl up onto solid ground. I don’t know why, but I broke down sobbing and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke I was wondering about what I was told about doing “the work”. I don’t know exactly what it refers to. My own clearing work? If so, I have no idea what that entails. I thought back on that time in my life and reflected a bit on it. Perhaps I am being asked to finish what was started? If so, what does that entail? Am I suppose to contact him? Or am I just suppose to release those emotions and the past? Or are we meant to reconnect and finish this together? And then maybe “the work” just has to do with my purpose here.

It seemed to me like we’ve had many lifetimes where we meet briefly and then move on. I am always blown away by the love and connection. My guess is I become clingy or intense and this is scary to him and he withdraws. I remember thinking that our short encounters are purposeful. We meet to impact each other, to catalyze one another, and then go on our way. 

I thought of the time we met in person for the first time. The desire to hug him and never let go was very strong. It was something I couldn’t control. The Kundalini was always threatening to explode upward and I struggled to push it down, but I succeeded. We both experienced an odd bubble of energy that night that kept us awake. At the time I didn’t know what it was, but I think I do now. That energy was our Higher Selves attempting to merge, to create that telepathic/energetic link. I don’t think I was resisting. I remember being in awe of the energy and not really minding that it kept me awake. It felt like I was three times my normal size! He told me that it bothered him, though, so I suspect he was resisting. Afterward he withdrew a little more every day until, ultimately, he disconnected.

I also recalled how my “twin’s” HS seemed to me. He was always playing around, teasing me and trying to get me to laugh. Our relationship in Spirit is very mischievous and playful. At other times we would just sit or walk together holding hands, our mind’s quiet and our hearts overflowing with love. The part of me that is playful is evident. He brings it out of me. In this lifetime (and others) we both tend to be overly serious, me more than him in this life. Our HS find this amusing and we often tease one another about it. 

The bridge dream appears to be symbolic of the work my “twin” is doing (and me also). We act as bridges, helping others across; Wayshowers. It is clear to me that we did not come into this life to be together romantically and that part of my lesson is to be able to accept friendship with him despite wanting so much more. When I am able to accept the love I have for him without expectation, then the energy between us will flow smoothly and resistance will melt away. 

Honestly, I don’t know how I can feel the kind of love I felt for him and not cling to it. I am able to easily stay disconnected from the sexual bliss/flow, but not the heart bliss/flow. The heart bliss makes me feel like I am Home – Whole – and since I have such Homesickness here, feeling Home is pretty much all I want to feel.

Past Forward

This time of year always seems to bring the past forward to the present for inspection. I suspect it’s astrological and I don’t mind it really, though sometimes it can be painful. It wasn’t long ago that I was reading through my old journals and focusing on past relationships, some romantic and some just friendly. I noticed how my memories of those people and times do not match what I wrote in my journal! So much I forgot and so much I changed – why? I think perhaps we all tweak our stories over time, focusing on the lessons and so losing or altering the “facts”. And maybe altering memories is a kind of coping mechanism, too, to help us feel less “wrong” or put a Band-Aid on the hurt. I most definitely covered up some things. I’m grateful to my journal for showing me the truth. I most definitely wrote details down, even copying and pasting full email conversations! So there’s no denying what that truth was – is.

As for my “twin” experience, I think there is still some healing to do, some love to allow and some forgiveness to give (of myself and him). The less I judge myself and others, the easier it gets to accept the lessons of the past and integrate them into the Now. One thing is for certain, the love never dies no matter how many Band-aids and story edits.

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The Best of Us is no Better Than the Worst of Us

Sleep has not been my friend lately. Where I had a good month of great sleep, sometimes 10 hours or more, now I am lucky if I get a solid 6-7 hours. It could be due to the environment. In Costa Rica I slept exceptionally well but then I was rarely around people, had no schedule to keep and purposefully did very little. Since returning home I’ve returned to my previous schedule and am again exercising, though not as frequently and only when I feel like it. My encounters with people are much higher here at home and my time in nature limited. So, at night I often find myself staring into the darkness, sometimes for hours, not really finding good, solid sleep until after midnight.

Last night I fell asleep pretty quickly but then woke at 1:30am and found our car gone from the driveway. Realizing my husband had driven somewhere in the middle of the night, I was concerned and tried to call only to discover his phone ringing downstairs. So, I lay awake until I heard him return because I was worried. When he returned I discovered he had gone to the office (lol). My worries abated but my mind was very awake for some time after.

I lay awake thinking of a recent incident mostly.

Since June our company has been dealing with fraudulent checks written against our checking account. We opted to get a system where we upload the checks numbers and amounts and any check that doesn’t match one of these checks/amounts is flagged and has to be approved before it clears the account. It stops the fraud 100% which makes my job so much easier. Well, just this week, one of the fraudulent checks that came through was written by an ex-employee, someone who had worked for the company 9 years and who I’ve known 14 years. He is 72yrs old and recently had double hip replacement. That he would write a $20k check using our company’s account info, printed on checks ordered with our checking info on them, is a shock. Turns out he is well aware, did it knowingly, pushed by a group of people he met online and has since become friendly with. The group pulled him in with sexual content, specifically a young women who he fell in love with. This caused his wife to divorce him, kick him out and subsequently he left his job to move in with the woman. He recently admitted that he gave this group all his personal information to use as they pleased – old check stubs, bank info, addresses, people he knew, etc. When they ask him to write and sign checks, he just does it.

Unable to comprehend this man’s sudden lack of judgement, my mind was pulled towards my sister’s situation and how I similarly am unable to comprehend her decisions. 

I knew before falling asleep that my dreams would align with my thoughts prior to bed. I don’t recall my dreams but when I awoke there was memory of a summary of a night’s-long discussion.

As I woke I heard this: “The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us.”

Along with this message, I had flashes of various “memories” and Knew how it all fit together as a message. 

Honestly, I was a bit overwhelmed and also very ashamed of myself and my behavior in this life. What I was being told was that our main purpose in this physical experiment is to show love and compassion towards our fellow man. Jesus came to mind – how he taught that everyone is our brother and our sister. He loved everyone equally and unconditionally. The beggar and the leper were shown the same love and compassion as anyone else. If a stranger came knocking, asking for help, food, shelter, clothing and whatever they needed was provided without question or judgment. 

I saw how I withdrew help to my sister because of my judgement of her actions, my supposition of her situation and my overall lack of compassion for her and her family. Her actions and “lack of sane judgement” have been my justification for not helping, when I could – can. 

Of course, I wondered, “Surely I shouldn’t just give her money and whatever she asks for? She would just take advantage as she has proven she will by her past actions. So, if I am to help her, how?” My guidance said this, “Ask her, ‘How can I help you?’. When she answers, pay attention to your immediate response, the one that comes from your heart, not your mind, and offer her that.” I realized right away that she may actually answer by asking me to listen, to be available as her sister and to not judge her!

Then there was memory of a dream. On the 5th of August I woke up crying from a dream, but it didn’t make sense to me. 

In my dream I was being given a $2500 check from a very old, rich woman. I was very grateful but saw she wrote my name as “Dani”. When I tried to ask her to change it, she had left and her assistant told me, “No problem” and then scratched through the name and wrote in the correct one. The old lady came back and said, “I am going to pay all your expenses, too.” She handed me the check – a large, leather bound globe of Earth. I could feel the topography and details on the surface as I looked down at it. Across the top was a very long name written in black ink. The name was so long, it went around the entire circumference of the northern hemisphere. I saw my name a bit lower down, also written in black ink. Beside it was a signature line marked with an X. For some reason I thought the long name on top was of a lawyer and felt the check was a “joint check”, meaning that only when the lawyer gets paid will I get paid. The amount of the check was in the billions. The amount I would be paid after all expenses were paid was $500.

I asked for help on FB but everyone was saying it must be a warning of a class action lawsuit. I knew that was not correct. This morning I recognized why I was sad from the dream. I will not be “paid” until the entire population of Earth is “paid”. The lawyer represents “judgement” or better yet, the scales of justice. I was being shown that for me to escape this place, so must everyone else here. One does not leave without the rest. We are all One. 

This is not the first time I’ve heard: We are all One. Thus, for one to advance/ascend, so must all the others. We are only as advanced/ascended as the least advanced/ascended in the group. We leave no one behind.

The best of us is no better than the worst of us and the worst of us is no worse than the best of us. 

When telling my husband about what I woke Knowing, an analogy came to mind. Imagine a group of people on a tiny lifeboat out in the vast ocean. There is a destination but the only way the boat will make it to that destination is with every person on that boat alive and intact. The thing is, the boat is horribly overcrowded, there are few resources, and the winds are unfavorable. Somehow, though, everyone on the boat must get along and help one another in order to complete the journey. If even one person dies, jumps overboard or pushes others off, the journey will fail. The boat will not be received on the other side unless the original occupants are all accounted for. 

This is our predicament on Earth. Everyone is out for themselves. People are pushing others off the boat, restricting resources, choosing sides, and just generally being selfish and self-interested. The only truly successful life is one where we show love and compassion for our fellow brothers and sisters despite every inclination to do otherwise. 

In my recent review of my old journals I read through a conversation with my guidance. In it I asked if I could “sit out” the “game”. I was told, “Of course you can. It is your choice.” Similarly, the post from 2013 (Tossing Pebbles) repeats that we all have a choice: “It all comes down to you.” I realized that if I sit out the game, which tends to be what I do, then I am not helping anyone, especially myself.

I know that if I were to die today and do a life review, I would be saddened by my lack of love and compassion towards others. 

All of the above was clear to me as I awoke. Of course, I struggle to know how to make changes so that I can be more like Jesus was. It seems easy but so much of my conditioning says, “Protect what is mine. Us versus Them. Survival of the fittest.” Uh-huh, exactly the problem.

Of course, I jump to extreme examples in my mind but the change doesn’t have to be extreme and sudden change. It is simply approaching each moment, each encounter, with, “How can I help?” It is shifting from viewing others as strangers to others as being my brothers and my sisters. And most importantly, listening to my heart and following it. If I do all these things, life will slowly transform into a more loving and compassionate one, and with it so will I. 

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Vision: Tidal Wave

Woke this morning and had a vision as I was considering my life at present. I saw a tidal wave coming up over my head. It never hit because I came out of my reverie.

I instantly began thinking of the omens I have seen on my walks since we returned home from Montana. The first was a dead rabbit. Yesterday I found a dead dove in the middle of the field as if it just decided to lay down and take a nap.

Tidal wave symbolism – appears when one is under a great deal of pressure or is going through significant life change. The water aspect is all about emotion and in the form of a tidal wave it is a surge of emotion where one feels overwhelmed or unable to cope with what is happening in their life. Usually these changes have to do with procrastination or avoidance of one’s true feelings about something.

Dead dove symbolism – to see a dead dove means an ending to a significant relationship. Because doves mate for life, when one dies the other often sits by the body of their loved one to their own detriment, meaning they will often die, too. So, to see a dead dove indicates a major loss that brings with it great change. It represents the cycle of death and rebirth.

Dead rabbit symbolism – I already touched briefly on this symbol but I will repeat it. A dead rabbit is indicative of loss, usually the loss of a family, family member or loved one who is like family. 

Altogether these omens and visions seem to point to a great change. At first I worried it meant the death of a family member, and I suppose it could mean that, but eventually I just let it be. I know from previous sightings of dead doves that this omen indicates an end to a relationship, at least for me. In the past I was forced to let go of someone, so it was a symbolic death. I can’t recall ever seeing a dead rabbit before. As for tidal waves, I’ve had visions of them before but cannot recall a specific incident related to those visions.

From experience I know that trying to prepare myself by going through every possible scenario never works. I have to just wait and see.

Dream Theme: Ants

I’ve also had two dreams recently about ants. The first was on New Years Eve:

Dream: Burning Ant Bed

I was talking to someone about my credits in History and considering just taking 5 more classes to get my Master’s in the subject. I remember talking about how easy writing papers was and how the subject came naturally to me. I recall seeing my daughter’s name spelled two ways in a paper I was reading and pointing it out to her but her being grumpy about it.

Then I was walking through campus and noticed large, modern houses were built pretty much everywhere. A three story white, modern home was in a very odd place, like right on the corner of the sidewalk. I walked a bit talking to someone about the campus when I saw a ant bed near the sidewalk. I decided to set it on fire to kill the ants when a small, black and white puppy came over and stood in the center of the burning ant bed. I watched it, shocked but somewhat curious as to what it was doing. Eventually, noticing its paws were raw and bleeding, I plucked it out of the burning bed and inspected it. It seemed okay but it would need bandages.

I went to the house I had gone past and saw my FB friend Betty. I showed her the puppy and she was like, “Oh dear, the nuns won’t like this.” Then a nun wearing all white came by and Betty gave her the puppy to treat. I walked away, worried I would be asked lots of questions. I felt guilty for letting the poor pup burn and for setting the fire. I walked past Betty’s husband and told him my worries and then woke up.

Interpretation: History class symbolizes a life lesson that I am discussing. Perhaps the lesson relates to my own karma? I seem to feel fine about completing a degree in it, confident that I can do it. When I woke my first thought about it was that I am starting to feel better about my ability to complete karmic contracts in this lifetime. Since my daughter’s name comes up, it could be that I am considering my children and my karma with them and their father. My guess is the 5 classes could be a time period of 5 years or maybe just 5 more incidents or milestones that must be reached.

Ants in general symbolize hard work. A whole colony of ants is likely accomplishments made with one’s group or team. An ant colony can symbolize startling changes that are occurring in my life. Because I am burning the colony it could mean that I am attempting to destroy or end relationships. The puppy might represent someone in my life who is young and growing who I want to protect. I see the puppy being burned. Eventually I save it but feel guilty because I didn’t save it sooner and so it is wounded. I’m not sure what the nun means but it could be that I give up control to a higher power.

Dream: Drowning Ants

In the second dream I was outside watching a family playing with a water hose in their backyard. The dad was spraying the kids and they were enjoying getting wet. Then I walked over to the edge of the yard where I saw an ant bed. It had been drenched with water. I took a stick and began to push into the ant bed, tearing it apart to look inside. The ants were waterlogged and desperately clung to my stick. I saw them and marveled at them just like I did as a child.

Interpretation: Ants are about teamwork, hard work, creating something through cooperation. Ant beds must be about community or family or the Collective. Water doesn’t typically kill ants, it just slows them down. Water is symbolic of emotion usually. I am using a stick to look at the ants like I did as a child. It is as if I am observing how “emotion” effects the group. I’m not sure which group but it is, likely “Family” because I had been watching a family play with a water hose. 

Nothingness

In addition to all of the above, I have been feeling this strange feeling of being in between life cycles. It is the open feeling, like I am waiting to be shown the next step. Where earlier in the Fall months I was feeling ready to make drastic life changes and considering doing so, now I feel as if I need nothing at all. It isn’t necessarily a peaceful feeling but more a feeling of nothingness, as if I an drifting in a void. Where I am usually seeking a glimpse of future available paths, now there is no seeking beyond the present. I don’t seem to care. It isn’t apathy, either, it is…..nothingness.

To be honest, the feeling is not one I am comfortable with. So last night I attempted to dig within a bit to try and tap into any remaining emotion that might need release. I have a tendency to bury emotion, especially emotions that are overwhelming or difficult to handle, and sometimes the only way to move that emotion up and out is to do a bit of digging. Besides, often, for me at least, no feeling is a symptom of too much feeling.

I was able to contact some emotion, emotion connected to a past event from over 5 years ago now. There was very little emotion remaining but enough to bring some tears. And, of course, I was confronted with what I can only describe as a hole in my heart that when inspected doesn’t reveal anything except emptiness. I am very familiar with it. It seems to be a part of my Being, as if I were born with it. 

Where in the past I would attempt to fill this hole with whatever I could, I have learned that it is pointless. Nothing external will work. In fact, I am not even sure a hole actually exists but is instead a belief most likely compounded by perceived rejection and abandonment by others. 

Mostly I feel ready. For what? I have no idea but I guess that is the point. 

Edit: After I wrote this post I went on my morning walk. Within a minute I found the playing card I had seen some time ago. When I first saw it, it was the 6 of Hearts, but today when I saw it the 6 of Hearts part was completely gone. The weather must have destroyed it. So it was a completely blank playing card and a validation of what I just wrote. I feel “blank”, just like the card.