Category Archives: Meditation

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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Hummingbird

I spent several days out a my new abode – alone. The solitude was much needed. I’ve been experiencing sleep difficulties again and high blood pressure (yikes!). My BP is averaging 140/90+, the bottom number being the most volatile, sometimes going up to 107! My Dr. isn’t concerned because it comes down when I am calm, but I am not calm very often these days. Stress is the culprit, thus my retreat away from everyone and everything for a few days.

Ample sleep was gotten as was plenty of slow, stress-free time alone. I have a sleep number bed that tells me how well I sleep with a range from 1-100, 100 being the best sleep ever. My numbers are usually in the low 70s and high 60s. For three nights my numbers were in the 80s! Yay!

I took a ton of walks and did some breathing meditations. I’ve been exploring Buddhist practices, starting with short, mindfulness meditations. I haven’t gone past 5 minutes yet, but am working on it. I think my guidance approves because I got a message yesterday morning upon waking, “Purpose is in the moment.” It is indeed.

Hummingbird

Two days into my retreat I was in the kitchen cleaning up some dishes when I noticed a hummingbird flying around with something in her mouth. I had never seen a hummingbird do that so I paid closer attention. It wasn’t long before I saw her going back to the same place on a tree. A tiny crook at the end of a twig. I went outside to look closer and saw what looked like a bunch of moss stuck on the twig. The hummingbird buzzed my head as I thought, “She’s making a nest!”

As the day progressed, I checked on her progress periodically. By the end of the day she had a thimble sized nest and I took the opportunity during a passing thunderstorm to sit outside with my camera to take pictures and video (you can hear the thunder on the video). She was not very afraid of me so I was able to get pretty close, about 10ft away, which allowed me to zoom in really close.

Honestly, I was fascinated and appreciative that she would choose to share with me such a private part of her tiny life. Just writing about it makes me emotional for some reason. The pictures and video don’t come close to how beautiful she and her tiny nest are.

I plan to keep a watch over the nest in the coming weeks. I can’t wait to see tiny eggs and, hopefully, babies. I may even take a feeder out just so she has some nourishment close by during the hellishly hot summer days.

Below are some pictures of mama hummingbird. Here is a link to a video from my YouTube channel. Please forgive the shiftiness of the video. My camera is designed to prioritize photos, not video. I need to get a tripod and set it up on my back porch with my camera aimed at the nest. 🙂

While in the midst of taking videos of mama hummingbird I noticed a magnificent rainbow arching across the sky. It remained for nearly the entire time I was outside observing her. Such a blessing!

Hummingbird Totem

“Hummingbird as a spirit animal represents flexibility (our ability to accept and implement change), lightheartedness, and joy. Other associations shared by these Lightworkers include remaining present, freedom, awakening happiness and hope, a lightness of spirit, quick responses, reversing melancholy, tirelessness, and fortitude”. Source

It seems to me hummingbird is a further reminder to me that it is of utmost importance for me to continue taking time to myself, enjoying the solitude of my new home and all the blessings of nature and life. Mindfulness meditation and staying present in the moment go hand-in-hand with her message as well.

Thank you hummingbird, I hear you!

Some photos of my weekend. Hopefully they lift your spirit like they did mine. The colors of the sunset after the rain – breathtaking!

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Microcosmic Orbit Experience: Exercise #2

I did exercise 2, Harvesting Yang, of the Microcosmic Orbit class last night. It lasts only 20 minutes and should be practiced when the foundational exercise (#1) is mastered. 

I probably should have just listened to this exercise rather than trying it for myself since I have not yet mastered exercise #1. Thankfully, the exercise was easy and I didn’t have any issues. I was unable to feel much energy in the perineum and the part about pulling energy up in little bits did not seem to be working at first. Then, I noticed that, when I breathed in and pulled up ever so slightly, I could feel energy move up over the front of my pubic bone and into my erogenous zone. It was very slight as if teasing me. It didn’t get strong, thankfully, so I just noticed and it soon passed.

The facilitator of the exercise warned in exercise #1 that the energy of the root/perineum can sometimes create arousal and be highly erotic. He says the reason for this is conscious or unconscious intention over time. So, again, a conditioned response but one that can be corrected. I am happy that my response was not so sexual as to be distracting. I have felt the erotic feeling in the past and it is difficult to ignore!

Eventually, I could feel energy trickling up into my heart which wasn’t suppose to happen so I had to stop, focus on breathing deeper, root the breath, and begin again. 

When it was over, I did a regular meditation for about 15 minutes and went to bed.

About two hours after going to sleep I was awakened by a pressure at the base of my spine. It was highly uncomfortable! Ouch!! Not only did it feel similar to needing to have a bowel movement, it was painful to the point that it was concerning me. The only other time I’ve felt pressure and discomfort in this area was after a strenuous run where I became overly dehydrated. I imagine the feeling might be similar to what someone would feel after being violated via the anus! 

After a few minutes of discomfort and trying, unsuccessfully, to extinguish it, I asked my guidance for help. I immediately received back a visual of myself on the floor in bridge pose. Wasting no time, I got out of bed and got down on the floor. Before getting into bridge pose, I pulled one knee into my chest and then the other, breathing deeply. Afterward, I got into bridge pose and held it for a few breaths. Almost immediately the pressure went away! When the feeling was completely gone, I got back into bed. Unfortunately, the feeling returned but with less intensity, so I resume bridge pose while in bed and it went away again. I fell asleep soon after and when I awoke there was no discomfort in the area. 

Though I can’t be certain, the pain at the base of my spine may have been brought on by doing exercise #2 before I was ready. IDK for sure, though.

I researched bridge pose to see if it was helpful in balancing the root chakra. It came up as the #1 yoga pose for releasing excess energy from the root chakra! Ha! The next pose on the list was the one I did before bridge – pulling each knee into the chest. 🙂

So, the next night (last night) I repeated exercise #1. This time the energy was much less obvious in the areas of focus, especially in the abdominal area. Again, keeping my attention on the areas was a struggle. I kept losing attention and would have to self-correct whenever this happened. It was less than the first time, which is good, but I still have a ways to go. I was able to focus attention on the perineum and feel the energy there, which was almost imperceptible. The cool thing was that I was able to feel all of the areas together as one mass of subtle energy. I plan to keep practicing exercise #1 until I can maintain consistent attention without drifting off and feel the warmth of the perineum.

The ideal times to practice these exercises are: 1. Around sunrise (5-7am), 2. Around sunset (5-7pm), and 3. at midnight on the full moon. This is impractical for me because of my schedule. My kids are up and making noise at sunrise and sunset (dinner time is at sunset). Midnight is doable but being it is so late I will probably fall asleep. lol Thankfully, these exercises can be done at any time, but if done during one of the recommended times the environment will assist.

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Microcosmic Orbit Exercises

Yesterday, while searching Kundalini forums, I found a link to a free Microcosmic Orbit online class. I immediately checked it out since I it was something that I was previously led to try.

At first I thought the whole thing was free, but turns out the only links that work are the ones to the videos. So, I searched more of the website and found the published books, selecting one specifically for women. I have yet to purchase it but probably will as it interests me.

This is an article that gives a synopsis of what is in the book,  Women’s Nei Gong

It is recommended to practice each of the videos in order. So, last night I listened to the first video as part of my nightly meditation, Anchoring the Breath

My experience was quite unexpected, indicating, to me at least, a readiness for it. 

It took me about an hour to complete the Anchoring the Breath exercise. I sat upright in bed and followed the instructions. It was easy for me to get into the exercise, most likely because of my recent, consistent Pranayama meditation practice. 

1. It was quite energetically obvious when I focused on the areas of my body as instructed in the video. The areas became energetically stimulated, subtly vibrating. As I settled my awareness on more areas, the vibrating area expanded. I began to feel the “energy helmet” sensation I’ve experienced numerous times in my life but it expanded downward as my attention went to other areas of my body. 

2. Attention versus intention is discussed in the video. Intention directs the energy in a certain way and can create negative effects (the teacher says “always” creates negative results) because it is directed by the mind. Attention is passive, allowing the energy to do what is needed for the body, which is always positive. If you have too little attention, however, you can end up going into the imagination and on into the dream state, which is what happened to me numerous times. I would find myself startled back to attention by my body slumping forward or sideways. In fact, I completely missed the final body part focus (the perineum) because my mind wandered. I only came out of my reverie about 15 minutes after the exercise concluded. So, it may be helpful for me to do this exercise at an earlier time, rather than at bedtime! lol

3. I found some of the information provided quite interesting, specifically the part about recognizing restriction in breathing, tightness in the chest, or dryness in the throat among other “symptoms” during the exercise. The teacher indicated that these irregularities exist as the result of subconscious intention in the past. To me, this translated as “blocks” created by thought patterns or habits. In other words, conditioning. I noticed a very slight tightness in my chest area and some breathing irregularities. I don’t recall any other indicators elsewhere but then my mind kept wandering!

4. The area that was the most energetic was my stomach area (the 2nd and 3rd chakra areas). I could not, no matter how I focused, get the energy to be consistent between all areas of focus. My stomach area would distract me because of how much energy was there compared to the other areas – massive amounts! I am not sure if I’m suppose to feel a consistent line from head to perineum, but if so, that was not evident because of how strong the energy was in my stomach region. Interestingly, this area is known as the lower Dan Tien, and from my limited research, my experience of strong energy there indicates that I am storing the majority of my energy in this area, which is exactly how it should be. What is the Dan Tien?

Overall, I am thrilled by the results of this exercise and will most definitely be doing the next practice tonight, but earlier so that I can keep attention and not drift off into other realms. 

Presently, we are having all the windows in our house replaced over the next three weekdays. In preparation, we have to remove furniture from around the windows. My husband has a huge desk that he wants to get rid of which is located directly in front of one of the windows. He wants to replace it with another desk. I am going to give him mine, which is newer and smaller. I will not be replacing it with another desk but using the space for meditation and yoga (and maybe Qigong). My 12+ year old computer is going into retirement.

With the new space I will be able to meditate seated on the floor rather than in my bed, so I will be less likely to fall asleep. I’m looking forward to completing my sacred space and settling into the energy it provides. I will periodically post updates about my experiences with the Microcosmic Orbit exercises.

~Namaste

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Releasing Guilt and Shame

Slept about 10 hours last night. I needed it! I haven’t been sleeping well for over a month. It was still hard to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep a 1,000 years.

Dreams were many and interesting. I am only going to post the one that I feel is most significant, though.

Dream: Forgotten Friend

In one I remember driving to my Mom’s house. When I arrived at her driveway there was a tall, white, tower (overcoming obstacles) and behind that a church steeple (spiritual nourishment, healing) that was also shimmering white. As I drove in the tower looked to be under construction and was no longer white but almost completely glass (seeing everything, nothing hidden). A crane was there and somehow I knew the windows were being fixed and replaced. I remember thinking how now my mom’s home was very obvious and no longer hidden. The area cleared out where there use to be lots of trees.

Inside my mom had guests. I went into the bedroom and lay down in my old bed which was facing the wall (looking inward) instead of the window like in real life. As I lay down I began to think of an ex-friend and lover. I had dream memories of him being in the back seat of a car I was in alongside other friends. I remember wondering, “How did I not see him there? I should have talked to him, asked him how he was doing. Did he get a job like he wanted?” I realized he had been in the car the whole time and I just ignored him, didn’t care to ask how he was or anything. I had been an awful friend and felt bad because I did care how he was doing. How could I have forgotten him like that? 

I felt extremely sleepy laying there in the bed while thinking of the past. Eventually, though, I got up and went out into the living area where I saw young people and their parents with my mom. She had given them food to eat and said, “Now here is someone you will want to see!” She motioned to me like I should know the people. I assumed they must be distant family I had forgotten I had. I was polite and listened in. She was saying they were going to all go on a picnic (nourishment of body, mind, spirit) together. One girl had in front of her a bowl with a plastic seal on top. My mom asked if she was going to eat it and gave the dish a name. It was Korean or something. I laughed at the name and the girl opened up the top and pulled out some noodles. 

Realization and Healing

As I lingered in bed, still very tired and wanting to sleep, my thoughts were on the dream where I suddenly remembered my ex-lover and friend. I realized that the dream reflected how I treated him in life. I realized that even way back then I struggled with following my heart. My head was very adamant that I get what I wanted at the time, which was the picture perfect family. He just didn’t fit that picture in my mind.  

When we met online I was drawn to his energy as he was to mine. We had great plans on how we could work together, him a hypnotherapist and me a psychic/medium. We would marry so he could move to the US and stay as partners, no strings attached really except that we did have a sexual relationship. That sexual relationship was a mistake and created complications. He fell in love with me but I did not fall in love with him in that way. I loved him, but not in a romantic, life-partner way.  

Unable to take back the sexual part, I tried to force myself to love him like he loved me. This backfired, of course, as my plans for the future did not match what he could offer me – looks or otherwise. He was much older than me, shorter than me, and physically not attractive to me. My expectations soiled our connection completely as I could not avoid his expectations of me. He saw me as a dream come true. A young, attractive, spiritually-minded and gifted partner who could help him immigrate to the US and start his business. 

Like in the dream, I “forgot” about him. I didn’t ask him how he was doing or care about how he fared after I met my current husband. When I met my husband I just cut off communication and moved on with my life. It infuriated him, which it should have. We had plans and I just abandoned them and him. I realized to him I had “cheated” on him, which I see now. That is pretty much true except that for me, he and I were not a couple, or at least that is how I justified my actions. To anyone viewing those events from the outside it would appear I was a horrible person, a cheater and a liar because we were “engaged”. He definitely believed this because just prior to my meeting my husband he had sold off everything he owned in the UK and was planning his flight to the US where he would start his new life with me. When I put an end to our plans he was left with few possessions, a lease that had ended leaving him nowhere to live, and all that he dreamed of destroyed in an instant. 

Ouch. 

I suck. What I did was awful. Period.

I admit that during that time I was almost always confused. I couldn’t understand why I felt so resistant to the whole deal of marriage and helping him. I wanted to help him! Yet when I tried it backfired. The more I tried to help him and go with the expectations he had of us, the more negative I began to feel. I started to see him as “ugly” and couldn’t kiss him without becoming grossed out. Yet I kept trying because I thought if I kept acting like it was what I wanted, it would be. Go through the motions and it will be, right? WRONG.

I also remember that I convinced myself he was “the One” based upon what my guidance had told me, psychics had told me, astrologists had told me. I was told I would marry someone with a foreign name. His was foreign. I was told “4 years” would pass. It had been that long, right? I felt the call to help him, so it must meant I should be with him romantically, right? WRONG.

I did end up marrying someone with a foreign name. And it was almost exactly 4 years after my divorce. And when I saw him, “I knew”. But that someone was not my ex-friend. 

In the dream I felt horrible for what I did to him. It was like I was another person when I acted the way I did. My heart was right. We were friends, soul family. There was love there but it was tainted by my Ego, by what my mind saw as “ideal” because I had been programmed by this world and that programming went against what was happening. 

My ex-friend was not faultless in this, though. He had expectations of his own. He had been told by his psychic friends to be wary of me. One even told him I was “evil” and to avoid me, end it, get away from me. She was right, though I can’t say my intentions were to hurt him. Had they been, then yes, I would have been evil. I actually never meant to hurt him like that. I was so confused. So very confused. 

Not long ago, after pleading with my guidance for help, I was told the reason I wasn’t progressing was because of guilt. Maybe the “guilt” my guidance was telling me about is being revealed to me now, via my dreams? I did ask for help. I do feel horrible. I remember thinking to myself this morning after the dream, “I don’t deserve happiness.” 

How does one who has done what I have done allow themselves to move on, to be happy? How does one forgive themselves? Maybe that is what I have to do?

It is interesting to me that guilt is held in the sacral chakra. So I Googled it and found this article. 

“Our Sacral Chakra deals with relationships and pleasure and is blocked by Guilt which closes down our “right to feel”. Dealing with guilt requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible. For example, what did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? Were your expectations unrealistic? If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well. 

To answer the above questions:

What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to? – I expected to help him, to be his friend, to do what was right.

Were your expectations unrealistic? – Yes, I think so. I knew his expectations did not match my own and ignored the warning signs in hopes of “helping”. I thought helping meant giving him what he wanted regardless of what I wanted (I do this quite a bit in life!). I was not honest with myself. What I wanted was not in alignment with the situation. I expected that I could force myself to be and want what he wanted. No one can make themselves love another person in a romantic way. I ignored my heart and what it was telling me. Love him and love myself. To love him meant being honest with him and to love myself meant being honest with myself. I was neither. 

My guidance has told me often that sometimes “helping” a person is not necessarily “positive”. If a person needs to learn a lesson and you are selected to help them learn it, and lessons often are best learned through negative experiences, then often we end up the “bad guy” when really what we did was give the other person a gift. We are also given a gift. Whether we accept the gift is up to us. 

I did a meditation to release my guilt. This is what came up.

I hold the guilt in my sacral, solar plexus and heart but I felt it most strongly in my solar plexus. It felt like a knot, heavy and solid. The color associated with it is blue, meaning my throat chakra is also involved. I believe it was too open, thus I said things without thinking and without feeling. The thought came to me, “I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be.” I was disappointed with myself for not being able to be that person, thus projected that disappointment onto him in various ways. 

Just because I did a meditation doesn’t mean I am free of guilt. This is just one instance of many I need to release in order to be open to the abundance of love, emotion and happiness available to me.

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Back to the Basics

I skimmed through a book yesterday. The title was From Stress to Stillness: Tools for Inner Peace. I only read it because I have been feeling unbalanced and a bit unsettled and so was seeking some resolution. 

Here are some quotes I wrote down that resonated with me. Some resonated so deeply I had tears in my eyes:

“The ego often pushes us toward goals that aren’t ultimately fulfilling, ones that don’t really fit for us but are driven by fear and a sense of lack and not being good enough. Or the ego might limit us by talking us out of pursuing goals and activities that would make our heart sing.” p. 7

“When we allow the egoic mind to run our activities, we end up feeling like a machine: souless and joyless.” p. 21

“The ego wants clarity now, but clarity about how to proceed happens in its own time. Sometimes we have to patiently wait for Life to show us the next step. Sometimes not having clarity is the clarity.” p. 71

“These communications from our heart feel good, even euphoric. How gracious of Life to point the way with good feelings! And the unpleasant feelings and depression we experience when we believe the mind’s lies and half-truths are how Life shows us which directions not to go in. How benevolent of Life!” p. 76

All of the above quotes moved me/resonated but the last one especially. When I read about allowing the heart to show me the way I had a shot of energy hit my heart. It came in from the lower left of my body like a lightning bolt. When it hit I recognized something and I began to cry. It was an instant “ah-ha” about something I had missed from over a year ago now. I suddenly knew everything I was reading was true to me, especially the part where the ego convinced me that what my heart wants is not the “logical” thing to do. I saw instances where I had ignored my heart and listened to my egos lies and “logic”. I saw how my depression has always been a warning that I am heading in the wrong direction.

Sadly, the book was very repetitive so I ended up skimming through several chapters which is okay because I believe I received the messages I was meant to. 

The book indicated to me that I had allowed my egoic mind to pull me into it’s nonsense once again. It is so easy to get pulled in and the author reminds the reader not to despair. The ego is part of the many challenges we face when we descend into these physical bodies. Rather than judge myself harshly I should make a course correction. 

So I am going to return to daily meditation, aiming at 30 minutes to start with the goal of an hour daily. I did this successfully last night but since I am out of practice my mind wandered quite a bit and I struggled to get comfortable. 

At one point, toward the end, I found myself witnessing a visual of a word moving across my field of vision. It was written in 3D letters and said, “Postpone”. Not long after this message I was startled by what seemed like very loud music. Music had always been part of the meditation so I thought, “When did the music stop?” I realized that it hadn’t. I had shifted into a deeper state, one where the music blended into the silence.

Years ago I would meditate frequently in order to achieve a conscious OBE. I became so adept at it that I would go into trance very quickly upon entering a meditative state. I became so good at it that I ended up in trance at the most inappropriate times – like driving my car! Meditation is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it even if you stop practicing. This time I want to use my meditation practice to find Silence rather than exit my body. I have gone OOB enough. Now it is time to focus on being IN the body but not in the mind (ego). 

One would think after having the realizations I had from this book that I would change course drastically, but I’m not – can’t. To do so would most certainly throw me back into the chaos of my mind. I have to start slow which is why I am going to begin with my meditation goal and observe my thoughts throughout the day. As the author of the book reminds, those thoughts are not mine. They are an illusion, a part of the false self. 

The book also helped me to see that there are many things I am doing right. Many choices I made from the heart, choices where I opted to slow down and focus more on what matters to me rather than what society and others pushed upon me. I chose to leave teaching and counseling. I chose to stay home and work part-time. I chose to work in a career that gave me more freedom, less stress and more time with my children. I tossed money out the door as my primary consideration. 

There are many, many other examples. I may be human and flawed. I may be a bit deaf when it comes to my heart. We all are. Ultimately, we listen, even if at times it means we struggle in the dark for a while before we do. 

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Avoidance and Meditation Experience

So yesterday my abdominal cramping was nonexistent and I was back to “normal”. Unfortunately, my daughter had a 101 degree fever and was complaining of a sore throat and dizziness. Her fever is gone this morning but it made for a tough day for her.

Last night I was feeling that “doing” energy but at the same time a “don’t do” energy. It made me think of the future but not act on it. I was browsing the internet for jobs and if I found one I was interested in the feeling from it was “not yet”. I am wanting to take action to help pull me out of this funk but no-action is what is needed. No-action can be the toughest on me but indicates deeper introspection is needed on my part. Sigh. I feel like I am always digging deeper.

Prior to bed I was feeling the familiar emptiness that has haunted me most of my life. The dead but not-dead, walking dead, feeling that comes from an unwillingness to “see” and “hear” what is right in front of me. When I asked for help from my guidance I was asked if I was sure I wanted to continue the work. I said I was, but then my dreams revealed my hesitancy to move forward and the reasons for it.

I woke up this morning crying from my dreams. In them I was being encouraged to open my heart again and fully allow the emotion to flow. But the pain associated with it was too much and I withdrew. In the dream I was with a man and we shared a deep connection but I was resistant to it. As I woke I could feel it still and was not happy, did not want it and was full-on rejecting it.

I ended up crying from the memory of all that transpired from opening my heart so fully. It surprised me that I still feel so much grief and loss. I thought I had put that behind me. I could see that my resistance to the negative emotion was keeping me from experiencing all the positive emotions. This pattern, this coping mechanism, is blocking my progress. But when I contact the pain I immediately retreat. I feel exhausted and unable to process it any further. For now the numb feeling is preferable to the pain, grief and loss. Even in the dream, just touching on the bliss and unconditional love was uncomfortable. I want badly to embrace it but the fear of it all being destroyed, of the utter annihilation of self that results, drives me away. I am tortured by the simultaneous draw to and repulsion from this love. Yet I know the only way to resolve it is to embrace it. I just can’t. Maybe I never will? But I don’t know how I can live in such a state for the remainder of this lifetime. Being numb is no longer acceptable now that I know what it feels like to truly be alive.

My dreams make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me now. Prison. Walls. Protection. Running. I am trying desperately to protect myself from myself. Ha! Peace is found at the center if I can only stay there and stop teeter-tottering from one extreme to the other.

I am being encouraged to heal. No movement, or progress forward can be made until I do. But healing means time alone, time to process, time to feel fully all the emotion that is coming up for release. As long as I have distractions I will be distracted. This is a choice. An avoidance routine (routine being the key word here). And I’m really, really good at avoidance. I don’t know why I am so scared of what I will find. I am certain it is not as bad as it seems.

Meditation Experience

I have been laying in the sun frequently the last few days. I feel a need to be in it despite how hot and humid it has been here in Texas. I stay until I just cannot bear it and then retreat inside. Afterward I feel like I’ve been in a sauna and purged a huge amount of crap from my pores. Probably a good thing. Plus I’m getting a nice tan. 😉

Today, after my sun time, I retreated to my room to meditate. Within minutes of starting the meditation I began to drift in a dreamy state, visualizing myself walking to the edge of a river. I could see the boulders surrounding the crystal clear water and the mountains towering in the background. I sat cross legged at the water’s edge and closed my eyes. Tears began to trickle down my face and a slight melancholy visited me.

Not long after, I could feel a person approaching from behind. They walked up to me and paused, focusing in on me. I kept my eyes closed and did not try to hide my tears. I knew they were standing over me and I felt an energy that was gentle and calming. I looked up, opening my eyes, and could not make out their face because the sun was behind them. I smiled, though, as if I knew who the visitor was.

I heard a voice with a slight accent ask me if I was alright. The voice was audible and brought me out of my dreamy state and back into my mediation. I had not realized I had drifted into the in-between but it did not take long for me to realize one of my guides had taken advantage of the situation. I returned to the dream-scene I had created and smiled back at my guide. Only then did I recognize the place I had taken myself, an area I had visited in Mt. Shasta.

My guide continued to stand over me, only now I could feel him both in the dreamy state as well as behind my physical body in meditation. He asked me something I can’t recall and tears began to pour out of my eyes. He kept asking me questions about how I was feeling and the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him I felt like I had lost everything. He said, “Have you considered that perhaps you have in fact gained everything?” I said, “And I just have not been able to see it?” He nodded. I considered it, finding clarity for the briefest of moments, but then began to cry again because in considering it I again felt the grief and loss. He asked me to sit with the feeling, to stay in my heart. As I did the grief passed and the possibility of what he said was no longer implausible. Perhaps I have been given a gift and have just not been able to see it or appreciate it for what it is because I am still clinging to what I expected it to be?

 

 

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Lesson: Handling the Gossip Cycle

Today I was reminded of a visit not long ago by my MIL’s sister and husband. They traveled from Connecticut and hung out at our home for quite a while. They brought with them maple syrup they harvested and made themselves. They also often makes jams and jellies and give them to us, though they didn’t bring any this time.

While they visited I noticed an energy coming from my MILs sister. She seemed extremely judgmental and critical toward me. She made several comments asking why I was doing something or implying that I was wrong to do something. One of the things she was really judgmental about was that I did not immediately open her maple syrup but put it in the cabinet and got out the syrup we had already opened. She said something like, “Why would you do that (not open it)?” and I told her we already had one opened that I did not want to spoil. My husband then took the syrup from her and opened it and said, “Of course we will use it”. The energy from him was judgmental, too, like he was saying to me, “How could you be so rude?”

She made other little comments throughout the visit and I could tell she just didn’t like me. I could read from her energy that she came to my house with an pre-formed opinion of me. She got the opinion from my MIL who told her during frustrated moments this or that about me, all negative. The energy read was so obvious in my recollection, but at the time it was received all at once, an onslaught of criticism and blame that I was unable to process or understand.

Though I did not confront the woman or my MIL about what I was sensing, I later told my husband what I sensed and what I believed the source was. He believed it was likely true based upon how his mother operates. Actually, at the time, I was not concerned if she liked me or not. This is my normal take with people. They can take me as I am or shove it. lol If she wanted to base her idea of me as a person on what another person said, she could and it was her loss.

So this memory comes to me out of the blue while making birthday breakfast for my son (Happy 3rd birthday Elek!). With it comes an understanding that I have been learning this lesson for some time. What is the lesson? That what we say about another person and the energy that goes with it is easily and sometimes eagerly adopted by others. Gossip is what it is called but it has many forms, and the phrase, “What goes around comes around” completely applies.

I recalled that when I was younger and something happened, someone made me mad or hurt me, that my first urge was to find someone close to me and bitch about it and the person. Rather than talk to the person directly, I took the coward’s path and released my frustrations with a “trusting” friend or family member. This is all my MIL did (does). She doesn’t like confrontation so when she is hurt or upset by something I do, she finds someone she trusts and tells them all about it. It is like a regurgitation or puking of all the emotions and energy she is holding of the event and person. The person who is listening wants to help, so often they agree with whatever they are told and tend to add fuel to the fire by adding their agreement. They will say, “Oh yes, how awful! How could you be around someone like that!?” Their agreement makes the other person feel heard, justified and right in their decision to talk to the trusted friend/family.

What should the person who is being told this information say to avoid this pattern, this cycle of negative and destructive energy? They should acknowledge the other person first – Yes, I can see how that would upset you. Then, rather than going into agreement with them, they should encourage the other person to work it out with the person that caused them the upset – Why don’t you talk to so and so? Maybe there is more to the situation than you know? Maybe you could work it out? 

I saw how I do this very thing with my mother – both as the person venting their frustrations and the person on the receiving end (that trusted friend/family). I use to use my mom to vent about my sisters and husband all the time. She in turn did the same with me. We would bounce the energy back and forth. I didn’t think anything of it until I lived on family land and had family all around me, family who often clashed. My sister being one of those individuals, it got pretty negative. I struggled to contain my upset and to not judge, but kept being sucked in. I couldn’t understand how this kept happening but then I realized that it was because my Mom was coming to me to vent and I was agreeing with her because of my own upset with my sister. This was fueling the conflict and causing stress on the family, not to mention me. I was haunted by the nasty feelings I was having and wanted them to stop. When I saw the cause I started saying to my mom, “Why don’t you talk to her?” rather than sharing my own upset and adding to the negative energy. Eventually I told her, “I don’t want to hear your complaints about her anymore. If you have an issue you need to go to her. What you decide to do is up to you. It is your choice. I am sure you will figure it out.” And I stepped back and walked away from the whole situation. It was hard. I lived in the middle of it all, literally feet from both of them. I felt some agony at letting it go, but once I did I was no longer affected. My mom made her decision (which I knew she would) and then learned the hard way. I had known what was coming. I wanted to help, to keep a bad situation from becoming worse. Unfortunately, when one is too overly involved, “help” can have the opposite affect.

Now it is happening again. I am seeing the same drama playing out. I am seeing my mom invite into her life the same upset she let in three years ago. I sense from her the need to have agreement from me. In fact, she jumped at telling me about it just to have the agreement. I fell for it, somewhat, but stopped short and said to her, “It is your decision. You do what you feel is best.” I have stepped back and now I wait. I am grateful to not be living so close anymore.

Unfortunately, my mom’s complaints about my sister were already heard and my agreement was already added to that. I got pulled in. Again. That is why I was reminded of my MIL’s sister. I got to personally experience the end phenomena of such interactions. Who knows what judgments I have caused other people to have about my sister. I know for certain that my mother and cousin have been affected by my agreement with them. My husband probably, too as well as my daughter.

In considering this, I am asked, “What are your true feelings toward your sister? Want do you want other people to think about her? Now that you see the cycle, have experienced all sides, what do you feel is the best way to resolve such situations?”

My true feelings? I love my sister. I want other people to love her, too. I don’t want them to think the worst about her when they are with her. I don’t want the first things to come to mind about her to be soaked in negative energy. Negativity feeds off negativity. It grows. The same is true for positivity.

There is a part of me that says about my sister, “I love her…..BUT she should not be allowed to get away with what she is doing! She should be punished!” I recognize this is the part of me that seeks to be right. I see the patterns stemming all the way back from our childhood. So many things she did to me and I did to her. Back and forth. Repeating. Yuck.

Others seek agreement. They want to be right when they feel wronged. It is human nature but it is not productive.

I am reminded of how I handled a work situation way back in 2009. I had a boss who I disliked but really there was no reason why I should dislike her. I began to observe others and my interactions with them and how they added to my dislike of my boss. I saw how others came to me to complain and how I agreed. Then I began to look at my boss as if I had never met her and had never heard anything about her. I saw her differently. I saw a person who had admirable qualities. I saw the positive more than the negative. When I realized she was not the “bad” person I was led to believe, I began to defend her when others came to me to bitch or gossip about her. I began to say positive things about her as well. I noticed they stopped coming to me. lol Eventually I began to only receive positive information and energy about her from others. Eventually my boss began to talk to me more and was more friendly.

This is how you handle negative situations involving “gossip”. Family or friends or coworkers, it doesn’t matter, though family can be especially difficult. It really is all a cycle of energy. You can feed whichever kind of energy you like, but be sure it will come back to you and affect you the same.

I’m lucky I don’t care what other people think of me (maybe too much) else I probably would have had a much more difficult time with this lesson! Ha!

 

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Practicing Pranayama

I have been practicing Pranayama since my last OBE indicated this would be necessary for me to progress spiritually as well as to aid in dropping the astral body. So far I have just been following my intuition as to the breathing I am doing. I have some experience with Pranayama via Kundalini yoga, so I am not completely in the dark.

I practiced Pranayama about three times yesterday, maybe more. This morning I did it as soon as I woke. Here is what I have noticed thus far:

  • My body does not like long, deep breathing. Currently I can only count to six before I feel as if I am being suffocated. lol This is likely too long (counting to four is most common) but it takes counting to six to fully expand my lungs. Sitting upright or laying down makes no difference.
  • My heart chakra lights up as if my chest is on fire. This happens mainly when I circulate my energy in conjunction with doing deep breathing.
  • The morning seems ideal for using energizing breath. I found that this really made me feel good and got me out of my mind fast. Afterward I ended up clearing my lungs of stuff I didn’t even know was there. Not so nice but then at least it is no longer in my lungs!
  • My energy body expands past my feet and head when prior to practicing the breathing techniques my energy feels more contracted.
  • If done at night, the breathing shifts me very quickly into a light then deep trance state. So far I am too distracted during the day to practice for more than a few minutes at a time.

An acquaintance of mine on FB mentioned that the energy circulation practice my guides showed me sounded very much like something called the microcosmic orbit meditation or the small universe meditation. These are associated with Quigong. When I reviewed some of these meditations on YouTube I found that they are in fact very similar to how I circulate my energy while doing deep breathing.

Here are two videos I found. I have not done them yet but plan on it when I get time alone.

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Thinking with the Heart

This post is mostly for me so I don’t forget yet again my experiences prior to and during sleep.

The Dr

Yesterday the guide who I call “The Dr” came to visit and told me it was time to clear the toxins from my system so that I will be ready for the next step. He explained how the toxins pull my energy to Earth and create blockages which in turn slow my vibration. He said it is very important that I keep my vibration high so as to not suffer the residual effects of the next shift in energy which is approaching soon. The shift will occur regardless of whether I heed his advice or not.

Nightly Shifts

For the past few nights I have been experiencing something strange prior to sleep. I always settle down to meditate prior to sleep and lately I have not had much in the way of energy sensations, heart or third-eye pulling. It will be hard to explain because when I try to remember what occurred my mind tries to blank out on me and I feel distant. It’s like I can’t get my mind to focus or do what it is suppose to! It is driving me nuts.

Last night, though, when this shift, for lack of a better word, occurred I suddenly remembered the last few nights all at once and thought, “I need to remember this!” Then, as I tried to remember, the memory began to recede. It makes no sense!

What I remember happening is that I would one minute be laying in bed with a clear mind focusing on my heart and the next I would feel a strange energy come into me from all around. It felt like being swallowed up in energy except it was gentle energy, not scary at all and almost like being picked up and swaddled in a mother’s arms. As soon as this energy swept me up I was in another place and talking with someone in-depth. I have no idea what we were talking about now but I was most definitely somewhere else and feeling very different from myself.

Of course, when I realized what happened I dropped this other personality or Self and was back in my current awareness wondering what had happened while simultaneously knowing this was not an isolated event. I had been doing it for some time!

What is totally exasperating about all of this is that every time I would recognize what was happening I would feel intensely drowsy and begin to lose the memory while also drifting off to sleep. Sometimes the energy sensations would resume but I have very little memory of this so am not sure.

I suspect I am shifting into one of my multidimensional selves but I can’t really be sure because of the memory loss.

Thinking with the Heart

In these brief impaired memory moments I am noticing another strange development. When I am in my heart space I am receiving full communications that I fully understand yet cannot put into words. If I try to put it into words the communication via my heart suddenly stops and my mind is empty. For example, my Companion sent me a full communication the yesterday quite unexpectedly. It was via my heart center and I felt an overwhelming love and giggled as a result. I had full understanding of what he had told me but was unable to process it via my mind. It was like I was being the communication. There was no possible way my mind could interpret it. All I recall of the interaction was that I responded to my Companion like I might respond to a new lover. Quite surprising!

When the shifts occur at night, this same type of situation arises which is why I believe my mind seems to “erase”. My habit is to immediately try to interpret my experiences via the mind. This cuts off the heart connection, thus blocking the “memory” of what occurred.

I am at a loss at to how to deal with this shift in perception. I seem unable to do much about it. In fact, I believe I am being schooled in how to use my heart as my primary processor of information. How curious! And I am not able to really get a grip on how this works. I am starting to, though, but I wonder, if we use only our heart to communicate, what then of the mind? What happens to language?

As I just asked that question I thought about light language and also how when I have these communications via the heart I want to move my entire body, kind of like swaying or dancing.

I am also reminded of something that happened the other night while I was in my “other Self”. I received instructions on how to communicate via tones. It was like the tones I heard in my ears but with separation, similar to Morse Code but this is not a good description. I even spent some time trying to figure out how to duplicate what I heard and believe I could if I had the right equipment. I remember thinking this was something I was suppose to do but then completely forgot about it. No surprise there! lol