Woke this morning in tears. Sleep has been good but with good sleep comes dreams and, in this case, counseling.

Dream: Earth is Hell

The dream began in a large, open space like a school cafeteria. There were tables where stations had been set up. I knew I was a teacher and attending a gathering of other teachers.

I remember working with a student. He was about 10 years old, African American and very troubled. All the students I worked with were troubled. There were other students in the group with him and I was giving them various tasks, most simple cleaning tasks. When I gave this boy a task he outright refused and walked away. I followed him and saw his anger at knowing I was not going to give up on him. I remember knowing I needed to approach him carefully, that any pressure would cause him to get confrontational. I knew he was capable of physically injuring me and would if provoked. So, I opted to be gentle and patient with him despite wanting to shake him vigorously in my impatience. He listened but I remember knowing he didn’t hear my words, so I focused on sending him love and acceptance. I somehow knew through the whole interaction that I was practicing and that I was meant to practice in this space. I also knew my human self would not be so patient. But the more I practiced, the more likely my human self would Remember.

Afterward, I went to a “station”. They were handing out slips of paper and other teachers were taking them. I remember seeing students across the room. I felt very tired. A coworker took a slip of paper, volunteering for some project. I remember not wanting to participate in any of them. She sat with for a bit, giving me a choice of 4 questions to answer. I selected the question about my “condition”. I told her I was disinterested in life and very sad. I remember worrying about telling her this. I thought, “I’m depressed. If they know I’m depressed they may fire me.”

The woman listened attentively and offered support saying, “We will help you.” She then pointed to a man across the room mentioning he had just separated and was available. I assumed she meant he was single and she was looking for a relationship. I suggested she talk to him and she smiled and gave an excuse. Looking back on this, I am not sure that was what she meant.

Then I was walking through the same space to a section that was set up as a gym, only the machines were none I recognized. I tried using a few but didn’t know how to operate them. I just ended up feeling foolish as I got tangled up in them. Some I recognized must be massage chairs, others I couldn’t figure out at all.

At one point I walked past some men sitting in a group using machines. I sat in the machine hoping to use it but had no idea how. One man asked me about something I was carrying on my back. I hadn’t noticed it. He told me, “That is something a coroner (preoccupied with death) uses” and pointed to a room I could see through a large viewing window. I thought, “Janitor’s closet” but he said “coroner”. He suggested I put it back and I began to look around but had no idea where to go. He said, “Here, let me take it for you.” He lifted the contraption off my shoulders, smiling. I thanked him and looked more closely at the thing he took off me. It looked like it had stirrups with cuffs and long chains. I wondered how it was used. Just like all the other things in this “gym” none made any sense to me.

I walked to a more isolated section and saw my husband sitting on the floor. I mentioned to him that they had saunas (he was looking to use one yesterday) and he just smiled and pulled me toward him. This is when I saw a tiny pair of grey toddler shoes. I said to him, “Look! These look just like the ones Elek use to wear.” I had a moment of nostalgia and then pulled away. I remember feeling his needy energy and not wanting to stay in it.

I ran into my mom and we walked around together looking at stuff in the gym. We approached a podium and there was a woman there who seemed like a host. On the podium was a small box that had something inside. When I opened it, I saw it was full of tobacco. I put it all back in and thought I should give it to my Mom’s husband who smokes.

There was another group of people sitting together in yet another machine. It had rounded edges with comfortable seats like inside a hot tub. In each seat was a person with a pencil. I recognized the game and said, “Look, their playing your game – Words with Friends! You should join them.” My mom joined them happily.

Nearby, a man was standing with a group of people. They were discussing purgatory. Someone asked me if I believed in hell. I said, “Earth is hell. I should know, I’ve talked to the dead all my life.” When I said this I felt a familiar feeling inside. It is like a part of me lights up. At the same time I feel like everyone around me is receptive to what I have to offer. All attention is on me. I realized then that I was speaking my Truth. I Remembered where I come from and the stark contrast between that place and the one I was now living (not in the dream) was upsetting. I became overwhelmed at all the darkness and despair. I could feel it seeping into my Being. It was so dark.

At this moment I felt someone put their hands on mine. When I looked up, a whole group of people were gathered close around me. They were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. They recognized and truly saw me.

The last thing I saw was the woman who had put her hands on mine. The way I experienced it, I must have been on my knees because they were all standing over me so closely they formed a dome over my head. The woman was familiar.

Let Your Light Shine

I woke up in tears and lay in bed sobbing for some time.

I knew the woman whose face I had just seen in my dream. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize her in the dream. It was so obvious who she was. It was the woman whose job I now have. The woman who had died of cancer, who I had watched slowly deteriorate and lose connection with this reality. She always loved me and believed in me. She was so gracious, calm and patient in life yet she was very much like me. We got along wonderfully and she would confide in me things she would not normally tell people. She always told people how much she loved me, though she never told me this. It seemed pre-destined how our meeting and departure happened.

But it was not grief that woke me. It was Knowing that I had fallen into the darkness and was being lifted out. As I woke the group from the dream communicated with me, telling me that I was never alone and to return to that feeling of love and acceptance anytime I felt overwhelmed by this place. They reminded me that my normal state of Being was one of openness, acceptance and love.

The tears came freely when I was told this because I Knew it was correct. And in that moment I could feel so much! All the energy and emotions of the Earth, the Collective on Earth. I didn’t know what to do with it all. How does one manage? It is too much! I can’t help everyone, but that is all I want to do. I want it all to go away, to stop, to make it all better.

I instantly recognized that I had been protecting myself from the overwhelming state of this place by shutting down but it was not working anymore. My purpose is to feel deeply all of it. They assured me that if I took refuge in Them, that I could and would succeed.

Eventually the tears stopped but I couldn’t sleep. My guidance continued to talk to me. Instances in my life flashed in my memory. They told me, “Let your Light shine”. With it came a memory from when I first started teaching. The schizophrenic student I had. I’d been called to a special meeting to discuss him. I was told by another teacher there, “You are the only one of his teachers we could invite.” When I asked why, they told me that his illness manifests as him seeing everyone as evil and dark. He would not listen to anyone who he perceived to be this way. His mother told them that he described me as an angel, one of the only ones that wasn’t dark/evil. My memory of that time is a picture. In the picture I see a Light Being whenever I think of his description of me. I am also overcome with such grief at the memory because, in the meeting, they said to the student, “Look Chris. Your teacher is here.” He looked at me without any expression, but he did look. After that meeting I broke down in tears in my car.

That student never returned to school. He was institutionalized.

I was also reminded of a question I had asked before sleep.

My husband and I had a disagreement before bed. So, I went to bed wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I feel the way I did and react the way I did all the time? Surely I must be a control freak?

Then I was reminded of something I had realized in March. It wasn’t that I was a control freak. It was that I wanted to help. All of it came from that place within me that wishes only to be of service. Yet it feels like no one, not even my husband, wants my help.

March 29: Practicing my Design

Loud noises in my house me woke me up. I heard the distinctive sounds of weights hitting the floor and knew my husband was working out. When I got out of bed and saw my husband he was doing squats. I immediately saw he had incorrect form and was trying to lift too much weight but I didn’t say anything. In the past, when I’ve attempted to help him by showing him correct form, he has gotten very irritated with me. I knew that saying something to him would likely create the same response from him and so kept silent. It was at this point that I my strategy came to mind. I need to “wait for an invitation” before giving advice or helping, but I knew he would never ask. I thought to myself, “But he might hurt himself using that much weight and incorrect form.” 

I went downstairs, walking right past him and fighting the urge to offer assistance without an invitation which is what I normally do. I remembered reading that if an invitation is not given and the Projector feels they just absolutely need to inform that the Projector can ask the person if it is okay for them to help. 

When I came back upstairs my husband was finished with his workout. When he walked by me I asked him if he would be okay if I offered him some advice on his form. He immediately began to talk about how he thought I might comment on this or that and I let him because he was right, in the past I had just offered up my critique without him asking for or wanting it. This had led to him holding some resentment and he needed to express it. When he was finished I said, “Will you accept my help or not?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I asked, “Do you really mean it?” And he agreed that he did.

When I showed him what I saw and provided him with the information I felt he needed so that he would not injure himself he began to laugh. The main thing I was showing him was that he was not pushing his hips/butt back as if sitting down which is the main motion of a squat. He was laughing because when he was younger his brother and father would laugh when he pushed his butt out because he has very well defined glute muscles. He said that ever since then he has been overly aware of his butt when he squats. I said, “You want to push your butt out. You have a beautiful butt!” lol Based upon his reaction my help was well received.

I was left feeling very proud of myself for handling the situation like I did. However, I felt somewhat sad at the same time. I am a CPT and have all this knowledge yet so few request my knowledge and I find myself offering it up without invitation all the time. This has led to so many negative responses. The most common is that people react as if I am a know-it-all and they are put off completely by this. They think I am judging them or trying to make them wrong somehow. This has been my life theme and it is utterly frustrating. I have taken numerous losses. I have several family members who desire to lose weight and get healthy yet none of them ever really persists when it comes to working out, eating healthy, etc. My SIL even invited me to work out with her and it went well but then she never extended another invitation. Instead, she hired her own trainer and attempted to lose weight that way without much success. I took her actions as an indication that something about me was off-putting to her. Maybe I gave her too much instruction before she wanted it? IDK but it has been the same with other family members and even one woman who seemed to want a running partner yet stood me up when the time came. So, my overall feeling is that it does me no good to try out a career as a personal trainer because, as a Projector, starting my own business like that will automatically fail without people extending an invitation for me to do it. Without the invitation I am dead in the water. 

The other day it occurred to me that one of my reactions to people rejecting me so frequently is that I offer up my advice anyway and just accept that they will respond poorly. I have even become confrontational at times, especially with family or people I know on a more personal basis. I figure if they aren’t open to hearing me that at least I will have said what they need to hear and at some level the information will be received. I would rather them receive it than not at all and have accepted that people will come to resent and even hate me. I think “Fuck it. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” 

But lately there is a part of me asking, “How has this worked out for you?” And what I’ve found is that, yes, I get to say what the other person needs to hear, but in the end it has alienated me from people and left me even more isolated. At the very least it has created upset among family members and left this ridge of energy that never truly goes away. And as a result of this constant feeling of rejection, I have become less and less likely to accept invitations when they come. Invitations to gatherings especially. Honestly, I dislike most gatherings anyway so not going is usually my response. So, I avoid birthday party invitations from extended family members, trips or event invites from family members, even invitations for lunch or other very relaxed, one-on-one invitations with my husband or family. I’ve just lost interest in pretty much any social-type situation and most people have figured out I’m not interested, taking it personally. I usually hear from my husband when someone says something. I’ve heard that they think I don’t like them, which isn’t wrong but isn’t completely accurate. I don’t like sitting through the pretense, listening to random life stuff and discussing things that are of no interest to me. 

For me, I guess, my method of forcing my Knowing onto people is how my bitterness manifests itself. However, there is another, more successful method I have used. I become certified in some way and then put myself into a position/job where others come to me for information/advice. So the invitations are assumed or are part of my job description. I have been a teacher, counselor, healer, medium, and psychic. In all of these careers I have had wins. I have also had losses, but mostly wins in that I am able to share what I Know and it is well received. In the past, the areas where I feel my inner Being lighting up have been when teaching, giving readings and singing. 

In my HD profile the only channel I have is the 1-8: the channel of inspiration. This one is “to contribute or not”. And, not surprisingly, it involves groups. What is funny is that as a Projector, groups are not my thing, yet with this channel I am called to groups to share my Knowing. 1-8 channel: the 1 is about creating and the 8 is about groups. 

Our Shadow is Our Contribution

In HD the open centers in a chart represent the not-self which is also know as the shadow self. Since my guidance told me that my shadow self is being triggered in certain situations now, the term has stuck in my mind. 

Today, while researching more on HD and considering having an actual session with a HD professional, I came across how the open centers, also known as the shadow self, represent our contribution to the world. This was a shock to me. Really? All those parts of me that represent my not-self are how I contribute or make a mark on this world? Maybe I am getting it all wrong, though. Perhaps it is not the not-self so much as our learning about the not-self and choosing to be more flowing and free? So, technically, the shadow self is how we contribute most because through non-resistance and acceptance of these aspects of ourselves we can be a better version? The open centers are most definitely what we came into the world to learn. The open/Shadow Self is the curriculum we come into this life to learn. And being all but two of my centers are open/undefined, well I have quite the curriculum from which to help others! That means I can influence others through all of those areas. Compared to someone with only one undefined center, I am a rock star. 

Considerations

After this morning’s dream and realizations, I went downstairs. My husband immediately apologized and from there we talked. I told him my dream and some of the syncs that came up. One sync was that when I woke up I remember Knowing that I needed to just let other people be. Acceptance is key. This meme came up in my FB feed:

As a 6th line, my tendency is toward optimism, yet in life I am anything but. I recognized that when OOB or in the dreamstate I tend to be the best version of myself: Optimistic, happy, hopeful. I see in others their best attributes. I do not easily tend toward the negative. But the instant I come back into this body I feel heavy and sad. I see the world as hopeless and lost. I feel unable to do anything about it and have accepted nothing can be done. This is what I’ve learned while on the roof. I see it everywhere. This world feels like a lost cause to me.

What this morning’s dream experience showed me is that I have been trying to do it all on my own. The question posed to me many times about my methods is this: How is that working for you? Not well, not well at all.

The problem is more than just me trying to force what I Know on others. That is just a surface problem. The real source is the overwhelm. When I feel this place, I feel it all, and it is just too much. I felt it in the dream and it was too much. I’ve felt it in the past and I am left feeling small and powerless to change it. It – all the pain, sadness, grief, loss in this world – is just too BIG. Yet I am being advised to feel it. The way to manage it, They say, is to Remember. Remember the total love and acceptance of Home, of those who love me, of the Light.

Easier said than done. In the dreamstate this is so obvious. In this body and on this plane it is hard to find.

What I was left with was a visual and feeling of how I can be, and will be according to Them. Going with the flow and accepting. Somehow I will be the Light I am meant to be. I have to trust that it will be.