Category Archives: Messages

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The We in Me

Today while driving to visit with my mother something occurred that I did not expect.

It began as a feeling of release. I went from feeling heavy and blah to suddenly feeling as if this weight had been lifted. My heart began to feel full and open and I was feeling positive and exuberant about my future.

I sang loudly to my music, even turning it up a notch. As I sang, a conversation commenced between myself and my Team that became more and more obvious.

The messages came in so subtly that I am surprised I noticed them at all.  My focus was entirely on driving, singing and enjoying the beautiful blue skies and Texas Hill Country. The conversation was about my rigidity toward this life I am currently living; a life I agreed to live not only for myself but for my Group-Family-Team.

My attention was brought to my current state – the care-free, full-of-life feeling I had and was enjoying. This is why you came. To LIVE life. To Experience.

A feeling from within welled up and brought tears to my eyes. I Remembered that this was not just my life. This life I am living is a Team effort. I am not going it solo, even though that is how it feels.

This new perspective changed everything for me. The We in me suddenly made sense completely.

I was reminded that although it feels that I have been here so very long and have many more years yet remaining, that the time is only that of a blink of an eye. The longing I feel, the exhaustion, the intense desire to return to Home, pales in comparison to the end of this journey and the richness that comes with it.

And any time I feel homesick, anytime I feel “off”, all I have to do is go within and my Team will be there.

I knew all of this to be true. I felt a part of the We for the first time in this spiritual journey of mine. I connected with them/me/us.

The way this communication felt was so very different and yet so very familiar at the same time. It seemed to come from within me, from my very core – to rise up from my solar plexus and fill my heart with meaning that had no words yet my mind was able to make sense of it. And it felt immense. Definitely not a single entity but a sudden explosion of many. All within me. Inside me. Part of me.

I recognized in this short, 40 minute drive, that the direction of my spiritual journey shifted. I had finally reached point zero. Right at that moment I saw, finally, how this experience was designed to function. This is how we manifest as one in a physical body. The pilot and the co-pilots and crew. Yet only me – the “pilot”, one small fragment of the Whole, is all this body can sustain.

This process of ascension, of Shifting, for me at least, is not about “rising” up into my Higher Self, or even a descending of my HS into me, but functioning as a full unit – complete and functional within this physicality. I have been undoing all the interference this Earthly life put into that system, a system that when functioning properly provides everything an Experiencer such as myself needs to traverse the rough terrain of Earth.

 

 

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Dreams: Walking Dead and Great Storm

I took B6 last night hoping for a lucid dream. Instead I got a night full of vivid dreams with low lucidity.

Dream: Walking Dead

This dream was very long and involved. In it I was with a group of “family” who all had died but had not left their bodies. Instead we walked around in dead bodies which we maintained the best we could. None of us seemed interested in leaving these dead bodies either.

The most memorable aspect of the dream was toward the end when the bodies were so badly decomposed that the limbs, skin and insides were beginning to fall apart. A friend was itching her ear and her finger was covered in a thick, black slime. Another friend had to wear hose to keep her skin in place on her legs. And I had to be careful not to clear my throat because it would clear my entire esophagus!

Interpretation

Seeing the undead and being the undead suggests an aspect of one’s self which has died but that has not been let go of. It can also indicate an inability to express one’s self or a relapse into old habits and ways.

I woke up after this dream wondering what it was about and I got the answer that it was about letting go of the physical and attachments to it. I was told that I was overly attached to the physical and that upon my actual death it would slow the journey because aspects of myself would remain firmly attached to the body. I remembered this occurring in my last life where I died as a child and so understood.

The dream very much reminded me of the movie “Death Becomes Her”, though it was not as comedic.

Dream: Great Storm

In this dream I was visiting a friend and watching a video she had done on the weather. In it she was interviewing a well-known meteorologist and discussing a weather event that was yet to occur. She showed the path the storm took and how it affected the people and places it touched.

I saw a map of the path of the storm which was over the state of Texas. It showed the storm moving in the Houston area from the central part of the state. The storm caused massive amounts of flooding. Specifically there was a river with an almost 90 degree bend in it that overflowed its banks and washed out a road causing cars to submerge.

When the video was done we talked about it and I congratulated my friend on her achievement. Then I wandered her house which was like a mansion and remember discussing the weather event and when it would air on television. I heard the event had not yet occurred and would be televised on the 29th. I got the date confused, though, and asked if it was not in fact the 26th.

Making a New Friend

The dream continued and I left the mansion behind. I had met a young man there – a student – and so took him to his dorm at the university he attended. I lost my car for a bit and finally found it with his assistance and then as we were driving we talked. He was much younger than me but I liked him; there was a connection between us.

He was being sent on assignment for his new job and I was interested in this. Knowing he was still in college I knew he was young and remember telling him I had wished I had graduated sooner. I told him I was especially connected to the class of 2012. Several numbers came up at this time, but specifically 29 and 39.

When I dropped him at his dorm he told me to text him later. I felt conflicted because as a counselor a relationship with a student was off-limits, yet I wanted to contact him. Turns out later he returned and this conflict was resolved.

Massive Fish

Then I was back at the mansion walking towards the front. I met up with three little girls and one had on glasses with two lenses over each eye. I remember commenting on their hair and complementing them.

I then began to leave but stopped and looked longingly out the massive windows on the mountains outside. The woman owner said to me, “You don’t want to leave, do you?” I said, “No, I don’t”. She completed my next thought with, “It’s so relaxing here, isn’t it?” “Yes”, I replied and felt sad.

I walked outside with a man and noticed a large moat outside. We were up high looking down on it. I saw that the waters were very clear and there were massive fish swimming in it. One was at least 11 feet long! I commented on this, asking what they were doing. The man said, “They are going to get food” and pointed to a group of alligators who were tearing apart something in the water. I recognized that the fish were about to feast on the remnants of whatever it was they were eating.

Interpretation

When I awoke from this dream I was concerned. The storm seemed to be a prediction of some sort. I worried it meant I would be dealing with an inner storm of some kind on the 26th or 29th of the month.

Mansions symbolize great potential for growth and a feeling that one may be stuck in a rut of some sort. I seemed drawn to the place and wanted to stay, so perhaps I am trying to avoid something. Perhaps a choice because that is what fish tend to represent. Since there were so many and they were large it could be that I feel the decision/choice is an important one.

The numbers 29 and 39 were also brought up. I assume these are messages and so included the link to their meaning.

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Embracing the Silence

I have been experiencing a sort of unsettled silence these last few days. It is not unfamiliar yet aspects of it are. In the past I called it the “blah” feeling or a “zoning out” feeling. But in the past it came with a sinking feeling in my solar plexus. This is now absent.

This new feeling has been very strong, so strong that I have begun to question what it is and it’s purpose.

It seems that I have been mistaking this feeling as “bad” because it is lacking so much. It feels like a hole or a vacuum that needs filling. In the past I have freaked out and filled it with worry, doubt and nervous apprehension. Yet now it is ever-present. Why?

My questioning of it finally led to an answer: it is simply the New Me and because it is unfamiliar there is unconscious rejection. I’ve been asked to familiarize myself with this feeling. It is silence. It is nothingness. It should be embraced for what it is without applying a label or reacting to it.

In this, I create a space within mySelf to honor this New Self, this New Me. It’s time to embrace the silence and nothingness. To embrace the New Me.

More Pieces Return

Last night I again experienced what I can only call reintegration of pieces of Me. A Return to Self. I know this is what is occurring because I wake suddenly as if I have returned from far away and my body jolts and there is memory that is quickly siphoned off. It is as if there is a message of “You can’t know yet” and it is accepted.

This occurred several times right as soon as I fell asleep. That seems to be the time when these pieces return. I feel that this is happening because I am doing work and so need all of mySelf to do this work.

Crown Chakra Wide Open

Though this is not the case now, during the night when I awoke it was from a massive amount of energy streaming into/out of my crown chakra. My entire head felt huge and the feeling of it would lull me back to sleep almost instantly. I knew I was exiting my body in this fashion but had little time to consider why or where I was going.

Flashes of Familiarity

My dreams are once again lost to me upon waking. Yet this morning I had flashes of a familiar group of brilliantly white beings. They stood together before me, tall, slender and humanoid-like. In recognizing them the memory which at first seemed to have a time/place/location all at once became timeless and without form or location. It was as if it was only a dream and not at all real. Yet I knew instantly that these were my family and I wanted to go back “there”. I also felt one remained with me, or perhaps it is that the many became as one to communicate with me. And he/she (for there is no gender) remained and explained what I was to do in this “time of rest”. Manifest and be comfortable with the New.

 

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Creating Space: Message from E’Fonin

Now is a time to settle into yourself and get comfortable with the New You. In this settling in you’re not only an observer of who you are from the inside but you create space for the New You within yourself. You give him/her a Home within. Get cozy together. You have been apart for a long time.

The reUnion is exquisite. It is an explosion of familiarity. Do you feel it? Is it comfortable for you? Perhaps not yet. This New You is unfamiliar to your Earth Self yet at the same time complimentary and comfortable. There is not rejection but inspection of this new aspect.

“Join me!”, he/she says to you. “Have a seat and let’s chat. It’s been far too long and we’ve much catching up to do”.

The space you hold for YourSelf is growing ever more important in these times of accelerating frequency. The acceleration is of Light as well as Dark as the Earth seeks balance and harmony. The intensity of the pitch at which your resonance echos in return can be unsettling and somewhat discombobulating. This is why creating space within is so vital right now. From within this space you can recuperate and refuel in a joined effort of mutual understanding and Love.

And most importantly you are not alone in this space you have created. And this space will grow ever larger as you settle in and become accustomed to the companionship; the wholeness for which you have longed.

What do you do while in this space? Create. It is where you create what it is you wish to manifest. For within this space there is more creative potential than ever there has been for you while in this Earthly body.

You are not alone. You just need to Remember what that feels like.

~ E’Fonin, Counselor and Ambassador for the Pleiadian High Council

 

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Questions and Answers

I have felt “off” all day. I’m not exactly sure why. So I am going to see what my guides have to say.

What is up with the energy today?

The world is grieving and fear is taking hold in many places. There is a dark energy surfacing that has been in hiding for the past few months, out of sight and out of mind. The fear increases this energy and helps it take hold in places it otherwise would not.

There is also a clearing of dense energy occurring. This reemergence of the dark energy is part of this clearing. The recent events in Paris have shocked many into awareness which in turn has resulted in a great purging. Imagine the steam that rises off a pot of freshly steamed vegetables and you can get an image of how this energy is moving right now as it is released. Though it may seem heavy and dark right now, it will be replaced with light as more and more of it evaporates.

Why am I feeling this way? Usually I am not so effected.

Though you have succeeded in raising your vibration significantly since you began your journey, there is still much to be released. You, like many others, are freeing/releasing that which no longer serves you and this will not go unnoticed. A lethargy accompanies it. A soft sadness without source and without direction. There is a lost feeling as well that you recognize. This is simply you tuning into those souls who have yet to make a full transition Home.

You forget you have been fine tuned to get you to this point in your journey. Your connection to your multidimensional selves has created a new conundrum for you as you do not know what to do with what you know since you cannot quite articulate or wrap your mind around what exactly it is you do know. It is a struggle that will continue as long as you allow your mind to dominate.

But how do I keep that from happening? How do I stay centered in my heart? It seems so easy but it isn’t.

It is a process that takes time. No one will immediately be freed from the mind as it has its purpose: survival. The key is to control it; reign it in when it gets too demanding or too fearful. This requires patience on your part and much, much focus on thought. Not on what it is that you are thinking but why you are thinking it. Focus on the feeling behind your thoughts. The more you do this, the more your heart will take the lead.

As with all habits that need breaking, this one will take willpower and much, much persistence. Especially during times such as these when there is a purging of the old to make room for the new. For now there is less and less room for the old dichotomy.

I keep feeling like I need to be doing something but I have no idea what it is? Why am I feeling like this?

You have memories of your purpose here. They reside just below the surface of your conscious mind. Sometimes they leak through as feelings and/or untapped desire. It is with great love that we advise you to withhold yourself from taking premature action based upon these feelings for you are not yet fully aware of their source and the need for action is not yet. In your heart you understand this, which is why you have yet to act other than to go within and speculate as to the source of your feelings. This is okay and we encourage you to dig deep, deeper yet, for this is the only way to find that which is hidden from view. What is amusing to us and will also be to you is that you were the one that hid it there. And when you find it and remember there will be no doubt of your motives.

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Two Dreams: Freed Dog and Bomb

During my normal nightly routine I ran across video footage of the terrorist attacks in Paris. I remember thinking I should pray for the victims, sending them light and love during this time of transition. At this time I was hit with very strong, loving energy from my guide. I fell asleep thinking of Paris and wondering what the energy from my guides indicated.

Dream: Freed Dog

I had many, many dreams but only a couple stand out. In this one, I was with a dark haired man who was in his 20s. We were walking along deserted streets in what appeared to be a subdivision, though I do not recall seeing any houses. We approached a fenced in area. Inside was very tall, green grass and nothing else. The gate was open and I remember saying to my friend, “Someone forgot to feed and water the dog who was in here. Thank goodness someone let it out”. I saw this small, white dog with brown patches in my mind as if I were remembering what the dog looked like. He reminded me of a terrier breed. I had a sad feeling for the dog. I knew he had been neglected and I always ache inside when I know an innocent has been mistreated. I was relieved that he was released, though I worried I was wrong and he was dead since I did not see him.

Interpretation

Dogs often symbolize protection in dreams and in this dream I believe this is the case. The dog was inside a fence, which indicates a need to suppress or confine the dog (protection). He was also neglected, meaning someone had forgotten about him or believed him unnecessary. Yet he is released indicating someone realized the need for protection.

Considering I fell asleep thinking of Paris, I suspect this dream is a reflection of the world at this time. Many assume they are safe and do not put much thought into protecting themselves. The recent events put people on alert and so they recognize the need for protection.

Dream: Bomb

In another dream, I recall being on a boat in the middle of the calm, blue ocean. Across from me was a friend, also on a boat. The boats were white and small and there was no shelter – both were wide open. I was standing up in my boat looking over at the young blonde woman who was my friend. There was a bomb set off and I remember seeing it over our heads. When it exploded it rained body parts all over my friend, as if the bomb were made of people. I stood there staring at her as she attempted to clean off the deck of her white boat. I saw a piece of an arm and a hand as she brushed it into the ocean. Then she looked up. There was another bomb coming. That’s when I woke up.

Interpretation

Boats represents one’s ability to cope with their emotions. The water represents the state of those emotions. In this case the boats were small and white and the water was blue, clear and calm. The small size indicates my own ability and area or perception. The white color is purity. Bombs represent potentially explosive situations in one’s life. In this case I am looking at it exploding in the air and reigning body parts down upon my friend. This could indicate that I feel unable to do much about the explosive situation (Paris) and the body parts likely symbolize the lives lost and maybe even the suicide bombers involved.

Vision

When I awoke this morning I had a strange feeling. It was like subdued sadness. I was numb but not numb. It is hard to explain. I did not question my dreams, just went over them in my mind and then drifted into the in-between.

While in-between I had a vivid vision of a bomb as it flew towards an unseen target and exploded. I saw a dense, gray smoke trail behind it and in my mind the thought “war” was placed. This woke me up with a start but I calmed quickly. My first thought was that it would not surprise me if the Paris attack’s prompt a declaration of war from France or the UN.

These are just my thoughts, though, not necessarily a prediction. I have already been told that before the next war there will be an assassination of an important figure in the UK. I think this is after the death of the Queen. We will see, I guess.

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Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I have been in constant comm with my guide today. I woke up with him there and he has stayed close throughout the day. When I do my “check-in’s” during the day (the 5 minutes mini-meditations I was told to start doing yesterday morning), as soon as I close my eyes and focus on my third eye and heart a warmth spreads over me which originates from my heart space and spreads outward. Sometimes this warm energy, this “welcoming” energy, starts as soon as I sit down, before I even have a chance to tune in. When that happened today I actually laughed and I swear I saw him standing there in front of me with a smirk on his face.

I’ve been spending a lot more time outside than I was, too. Today while I was walking with my youngest my guide and I had a full-on communication cycle. We discussed the safeguards I put in place prior to this life and the personal guidance system, or navigation system, we all have when we incarnate in physical bodies.

Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I recalled prior knowledge of before this incarnation. It was not vivid, like a specific memory, but more of a knowing of the process that occurs before we descend into a human body, or any physical body for that matter. I saw that I practiced this life through a sort of simulation process where I enacted over and over again certain points in my life that were important – points that I did not want to get wrong, couldn’t get wrong or else I might go off course. I did not see exactly how this was done but if felt like I actually rehearsed, similar to how actors rehearse for a big production of a play. Yet I did not rehearse everything – only certain things. These specific scripts which I practiced over and over beforehand are to help guide me, acting like “guideposts” to get me to the next big “target” in my life. These targets are spread all over my life and vary. Some may even be considered inconsequential by the looks of them by an observer, but they are not. Others are more obviously big life events such as marriage, the birth of a child or graduation from college. I did not ask what mine were – I knew that was not allowed.

I was told that most of life is spent in what my guide called “the preparation stage”. With this I saw a graph depicting long plateaus with sporadic peaks in between. The plateaus are these preparation stages.  During these “down times” we have not planned specifics of our life. It is left to us to decide what to do and what direction to go. The only planned thing we do during this time is prepare for our next target. This is mostly done unconsciously either while we sleep or via our multidimensional aspects. Very little of what we actually do in physicality is important. It is, in actuality, a time of free will exploration of self. At least that is how it is for me. Some people planned their lives in more detail. I, for some reason, wanted to allow this dead time to see how I would respond to it without there seeming to be any “direction”.

For some reason at this time in my life I being allowed to view some of the background work that is being done behind the scenes. I was told point blank that I am currently in a “preparation stage”. I have no idea what I am being prepared for other than that it is my next “target”. I was reassured that I was on the correct and predetermined path I set for myself. I think perhaps my path looks like a maze made up of squiggly lines rather than a straight road!

My guide told me that during this preparation stage I will be learning how to be more in tune; integrating the spiritual and physical aspects and using them together as they were meant to function. As with all preparation stages I can decide how I want to spend my Earthly time as it makes little difference at this point in time. I’m not exactly sure how to take this news. Is it good or bad? Hmmm.

I wondered then, if I did something drastic wouldn’t it affect my life if done during this time? I was told that my navigation system would warn me if what I decided to do was too “drastic” which just basically means too far off course to be viable.

Think of it this way: We are piloting a craft, our body/life here on Earth. But we are doing so while in the dark. The only way we know that we are on course is by tuning into the built in navigation system of the craft. This was installed prior to life to our individual specifications. The system will not tell us where to go but it will tell us when we go off course. It does this by sounding “alarms”. These alarms come in many different packages from illness to dis-ease and strange life happenings that seem coincidental but are not. The more in-tune one is to this system (meaning the more you know it is there and how to use it) the better. Yes, the warning system will be heard regardless but it does not mean we will know what it means and listen. However, if you know what it means and how to tune in to determine how to stay on track then you can avoid the uncomfortable after effects of a “close call”.

Interestingly, I have been well tuned to my navigation system all my life. “It just needs some tweaks”. At least that is what my guide says. What that means I don’t know. Perhaps I just need a little less stubbornness and a little more love. 🙂

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Disengagement Brings Humility

So I guess you’ve all figured out that I have been having a huge freak-out these last few days. It’s unwarranted, really. There’s no reason other than that I was reacting to things not turning out quite how I would’ve like them to. This is a normal pattern for me. Too many losses in a short period of time and I shut down and my Ego takes over and throws a “tantrum”.

Big Fail

The biggest loss for me has been my business venture. Despite doing everything “right”, sales are very slow and I’m not reaching my goals. I don’t understand what I did wrong except that maybe I just chose the wrong product or maybe it is that too many people have discovered the business and so it is inundated with too many similar products. Whatever it is, I have accepted the loss. I am no longer as upset as I was, but I am disappointed for sure.

Too Many Expectations

I realized that I had too many grand expectations of what was to come for me spiritually once I left my job. I stupidly thought that once I eliminated the stress and wasted time of going to and from work, that it would free me up to receive more spiritual insight and have more spiritual experiences. I thought everything would kick into high gear and I would be “enlightened” further by Remembering more and connecting more intensely with my Higher Self.

How naive.

What it seems is really happening is the opposite. I left work and have more time but everything spiritually has come to a standstill, or it appears that way.

I also had a grand idea of what it would be like to teach my middle son. He has been anything but compliant. I have been having to bribe him to do “school”, which I have found is a big mistake. So I am changing tactics and so far it is working. We do “projects” together and he is much more willing to cooperate. I am finding he is much better at writing his letters than I thought and his big heart is what leads him to want to learn to do more. We spend a lot of time making cards for people he loves and playing games together. So different than I expected yet I am learning a great deal about my son and just how big his heart is.

This was what he made today:

jade

letter to jade

Sick and Disengaged

Instead of spiritual enlightenment I got a nasty cold. I am still recovering, but it is so much better. I only have a slight cough in the morning now. I realize that this illness is likely a result of incorporating the higher energies which involves much purging of the old. It is no surprise then that my Ego would throw a tantrum. It is a normal part of the process.

I forgot, of course, all of this, and so disengaged further from my Team of guides and assistants. To my Ego mind it was all “their fault” which further angered me and distanced me from them.

I stopped tuning in after waking in the mornings. Instead I was angry and withdrew. It was not that my Team was not there but that I did not want to listen or acknowledge them.

Suggestions

When I awoke this morning I was less angry and so more open. I heard instantly, “Nothing has changed but you”. I felt the energy begin to build in my back at my heart center and it suddenly stopped. Instantly I recognized that I stopped it. And I understood. They were always there; always are there. And really, nothing has changed in my life except my perception of it. It shut me down and cut me off from them.

I had heard them, too. I remember. I heard them say, “Do not resist” and I ignored them. I felt their energy many times over the past few days and I shut myself down to it. It was like I was trying to punish them – but it only served to punish me.

With this understanding I relaxed and began to accept. I was then instructed to resume my morning meditation and asked to do a type of fasting today – a liquid only diet where I drank my food. I can have dairy and veggies and fruits. This is only for today, so not a full-on cleanse and I am not completely sure why I am doing it but I will do it without resistance. I have been eating vegetarian with fish, but recently I made an entire dinner of fish with rice and veggies and when I ate the fish and rice they tasted “off” so I only ate the veggies while my kids scarfed down the entire meal. I should’ve known something was up then.

The message this morning was a reminder that right now I am learning to incorporate the spiritual into my daily life – it is learning to balance the two but its not what I had previously thought. The balance comes with continual tuning in throughout the day so as to not get swept up into the mundane which can completely shut off our spiritual lifeblood. It is like turning on and off a faucet. Right now I am being shown it is dripping, but what it should be a continual stream flowing in. To do this requires set breaks throughout the day where I shut off all distraction and tune in. It does not mean hours or even a half hour but maybe 5 to 10 minutes only. This should be scheduled in three to six times a day depending on the need. This is in addition to morning and nightly tuning in. These are not necessarily “meditation” breaks either. They are sitting quietly away from distractions (no phone, no t.v., no computer) and focusing on the third eye and heart at the same time, ideally in nature or near an open window so the sun’s rays can be felt/sensed.

With two very busy children this will be a challenge. I will see how it turns out today. I am told if I do this that I will notice my edginess lessening and my mind clearing.

It seems always that I take one step forward and two steps back. Time to step forward again.

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The Troubles

The Troubles by U2

You think it’s easier
To give up on the trouble
If the trouble is destroying you
You think it’s easier
But before you threw me a rope
It was the one thing I could hold on to

This song has been a theme-song for me the past 24-36 hours. I am not exactly sure what it means but it has been in my head two mornings in a row upon waking.

I am in the midst of another purge I think. It is not a huge one, at least not as big as some of the ones from the past. My energy, physically, emotionally and mentally, is low. I feel like it is being siphoned off throughout the day and by the end I have nothing left.

I feel once again DONE with life. I am fed up with this place and all the negative, heaviness that pervades it. So I have been asking to finish up and get out of here. I have been bargaining again with my guides. “Please just let me come Home now. I don’t care if I have to come back another lifetime to finish what I didn’t finish in this life. I just don’t want to do this anymore”. All I receive in response are Spirit hugs.

What bothers me the most is that I don’t have motivation at all. Usually when I am feeling like this I can find something to hold onto, some kind of hope that things will improve; some kind of change I can make that brings back that missing spark. There is nothing there. When I look into the future, to the “what if’s” I see only dead ends, paths I have been on before and don’t want to return to.

Dream: Finished

My sleep was fitful for the first half of the night. I didn’t feel I was resting and I don’t remember my dreams. This morning I recall only the end of one dream.

I was in a city walking towards a destination with a friend. The streets were paved with cobblestone. We parked (not sure where the car came from) and went inside. The teacher was an older gentleman and I felt we had been to his class before. I remember that I wanted to go hear him speak because it was a rare event, but I can’t recall what he was speaking about.

We were laying down to listen and I remember only pieces of this part. I saw candles lit and knew I was laying near a man. At one point I knew the covers had come off me, exposing my bare backside. I didn’t care but I knew the man was trying not to look and this amused me.

When class ended I somehow was the last to leave. It was like it had ended way earlier and I had been asleep or distracted so missed the dismissal. I went outside to find my friend and her car was gone. She later returned in it saying she had gone to get some pizza. She seemed to want to celebrate something but I didn’t feel like celebrating and didn’t want any pizza.

As I awoke I remember talking to someone. I was bargaining with them, saying I was done and wanted to leave this life early. As I grew more conscious I saw a piece of paper in front of me. It was divided into four parts and I knew these were elements corresponding to regions of the Earth and duties of those in these areas. I rejected this Plan and pushed the vision out of my mind. Then I saw a large word as if stamped on a paper in my mind. It said, “Finished”. It was in red ink.

Remembering

I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I don’t belong here and that I never have belonged. Right now this feeling is very strong. The more I Remember who I am, the stronger it gets.

I have been having flashbacks of this life, as if I am reviewing it again. My dreams are of my past again and of people who I feel I have wronged, though it is becoming clearer to me that it was part of the plan and my “wrongs” were purposeful for some reason.

I am also flashing back to my youth, to times when I had conversations with my guide without knowing that was what I was doing. One of my earliest memories of this is of me sitting on the ground because my stomach was hurting really bad. The silent voice told me to be still and it would pass. So I did and it went away shortly after. I don’t know how old I was (7?), but the memory is so vivid and I see myself as if outside of myself, sitting on the side of the concrete drive. My hair was short and I was so small but so very strong (and pig headed!).

There is another flashback to my teen years when the first longings for Home became unbearable. I remember conversing with someone. Back then I just thought I was just talking to myself. I was told how long it would be before I would meet “the One”. I saw 30 in my mind and it seemed so very far away, so far away I couldn’t bear it. So I prayed for someone to be sent to me, someone for the interim, so I wouldn’t have to be alone. He was sent when I was 17 and upon meeting him I knew I had a choice and I made it despite knowing he was not “the One”. I thought it would be better, but turns out I felt more alone than ever during that time.

Next Step?

Out of the blue yesterday, while feeling so very down and out, I understood that I would have to eventually go back to work. This saddened me because I do not feel the desire to return to the workplace. I feel unfulfilled there (there being in the education system) and want to do something different, but what that is I am not sure.

I saw a pattern in my life. A pattern concerning my career path. It felt like I was sent some place for a certain amount of time and then, when I was “done”, would be sent to another place. And so on and so forth. If I stayed too long at a place, a place where I was done, events would eventually push me to leave. The longer I stayed, the more difficult it would be to stay to the point that it would begin to start physically affecting me. This is clear to me now, but I feel the resistance inside me. A part of me wants to stay in one place, to be happy in that place. Yet I feel I am not programmed that way. I will always feel the need to move on. What is hardest about moving around so much is that I don’t know why I am at the places I am. It just seems like I am wasting time.

So I grieved in knowing that I would have to return to work, most likely back to counseling. It will just fall in my lap again. That is always how it works. I feel I want/need to work again and then presto it appears as if a gift in a little package.

I don’t like that I feel pushed this way and that in life, as if a string is tied to me that leads me where I am suppose to go. I feel like a puppet.

by

Light Show

As I attempted sleep last night I was bombarded by what appeared to be a laser light show behind closed eyelids. It was faint but it was there and it was blue. The energy shot across my line of sight and then back and then seemed to form images that would disappear as soon as they formed. The energy of this light appeared linked with my brain in some way because I could feel it in my head. It’s hard to describe but I do have one experience that is similar. A long time ago I use to take Zoloft but hated it and so stopped it suddenly. When I did this I had strange electrical “zaps” inside my head. It felt like I had been attached to a light socket or something but it was IN my head. Anyone who has suddenly stopped an antidepressant (SSRI in particular) would know the feeling. The energy in my head last light was vaguely similar. It was way less intense but a similar feeling.

I was being given a message at the time which I now do not fully remember.

Earlier in the day I received sudden messages in the form of just Knowing. I feel these messages are linked to the strange energy/light laser show because the main message was that I would be opening up from the crown again to Receive. I saw a mental image in my mind of a very large amount of light coming down into my crown chakra. The size of the crown chakra was the size of the entire top of my head! This energy shot all the way down through my body and into the ground. I was told not to fear this. Then the messages stopped just as suddenly as they came.

No strange downloads or anything thus far, but I have been very pessimistic lately. Not sure if it related or not.