Category Archives: Miscellaneous

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A Tough Two Weeks and Dream: We Are God

The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:

My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it. 

The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.

My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night. 

The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.

As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh. 

Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend. 

I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre. 

When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.

Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.

The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.

The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.

We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.

The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).

And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!

Dream: We Are God

Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close. 

When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself. 

At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.

Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.

When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.

The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in. 

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Snowmaggedon 2021

We are on day 4 of what I am calling “Snowmeggedon” here in Texas. The entire state is and has been under a Winter Strom Warning.

We Texans just aren’t use to this nor are we prepared. Our power grid is experiencing outages and because of that our water treatment facilities also experienced power loss. As a result, the water pressure is really low and some people have lost water altogether. There is a boil water notice in effect, also. Natural gas is another issue but so far I’ve not heard of any outages. Many places are 100% electric and don’t even have fire places, so when the power goes they have no way to boil water and they can’t just turn on the oven to heat a small area of their home. With temperatures in the single digits this is a miserable experience!

There are over 200,000 people in the Austin area without power, most since early Monday morning.

Somehow my family home and our entire subdivision has been spared while homes and businesses around us have been without power for 2 days and most also don’t have water. Our water pressure has been low, but today it is higher, which is good news!

My husband and I walked to area gas stations to try and purchase eggs yesterday. We encountered mobs of people, most buying up water and whatever food items they could find. The grocery stores in our area were either closed or limiting entry to only a few people at at time with wait times exceeding an hour.

As we walked to the store, a van slide sideways on the slick roads and block traffic. He got stuck on black ice and couldn’t move. A Sherriff deputy just happened to drive by. He stopped and my husband and the deputy helped get the van moving. It was surprising how many people were on the roads!

When we got inside a convenience store it was so full you could barely move. Concerns over Corona virus went out the window, that is for sure! Another convenience store made people wait outside in a long line and another one locked its doors despite being open. Many of the gas pumps are closed because people have been buying up gas to keep their cars running so they can charge phones and get a reprieve from the cold. Some people are working remotely out of their cars!

My BIL and SIL’s family, who live about a mile from us, lost power and water over 24 hours ago. They arrived at our home yesterday afternoon and are still here. They heard this morning that their power has been restored but they are waiting to make sure it stays on. They still do not have water. We are happy they came because my BIL went grocery shopping the day before the winter storm hit, so they had many things we didn’t. We are low on eggs, milk, bread and fresh veggies and they brought over 3 dozen eggs, milk and other child-friendly foods we needed. Our house is very full right now – a total of 6 kids and 4 adults! And I just heard my husband and BIL invite their brother and his family over to stay if they can make it. They’ve been without power since Monday. Not sure how that would work but I think we can make room if we have to.

Early this morning we got sleet and rain which has made everything turn to frozen slush. The temps are close to 30 degrees but the trees are now bending under the weight of a second layer of ice. This does not bode well for those without power – or those who still have it!

Only about one or two days before the warmer weather is here. We’re hoping it is sooner rather than later.

Here are some pics to give you an idea of what it is like here in Central Texas. There are pics of the day the snow fell as well as pics from today when the roads are more slushy. The pic of the white truck is from the day of the snowfall. I helped him get unstuck.:

Just now my husband came in and told me he is going to drive to our business to check on it. As of this morning I cannot remotely connect to my work computer. It is likely power went out and is still out, but if it is on then my husband will reboot the server and do whatever is needed to allow us to work from home. He is also going to take his chainsaw and cut some firewood for people he knows who need it. We long ago ran out because we gave ours away to friends and neighbors. Knowing my husband, he will likely bring back people to stay at our house. lol I am okay with it as long as it is not some stranger he met on the street!

Two more days, maybe three. We can do this, Texas!

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Exit 2020, Enter 2021

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Wishing you all a blessed New Year.

The featured image of this post reminds me of one of the darkest times in my life. The best description would be that I was in the midst of a Dark Night of the Soul. I wanted to give up. My guides seemingly went quiet except for one time. I wanted them to tell me what to do. I could see nothing ahead of me. All was black and depressing. There was no way out, I thought. My guide whispered, “Just put one foot in front of the other.”

Later, after following this advice, I was able to break through the darkness.

For those of you who have struggled in 2020, I wish I could say 2021 will provide the light you are seeking, but I can’t. All I can advise is what my guide once advised me. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, you will see the light again.

What will you be doing during the last week of 2020?

Trip to Montana

My family and I are about to embark on an adventure. For my children, it will be a week of many firsts. Their first time on a plane. Their first memories of snow. Their first time skiing. Their first view of the magnificent Rocky Mountains (The Bridger Mountains to be specific). Their first time visiting Montana. And probably many other firsts besides these.

For me, I will spend this last week visiting my past, or what I like to call, “My first life”. I haven’t been to Montana in winter since 1999/2000. I haven’t been to my old college stomping grounds since then either. My research revealed that a lot has changed in the town of Bozeman in the 20 years since I graduated with my Bachelor’s degree (yes, exactly 20 years!). It isn’t so tiny anymore, that’s for sure! Yet still, it would be consider tiny to most. I don’t know yet what lies ahead. Healing? Release? Expansion? Gratitude? Joy? Maybe all of the above and more – I hope.

My memories of my time there are wrought with anxiety. The snowy, ice packed, winter roads caused me much distress. As a Texan I was just not prepared for winter driving and even after four years of practice I often drove gripping the steering wheel, fighting mental images of getting stuck in a ditch without any way of contacting help. To give you an idea of just how anxious driving made me, I turned down a good job because I couldn’t confront the idea of the long commute during the winter months.

Other memories consist of my time with my ex and his family, regrets at how I treated them and how I let my anxiety and need for control destroy the very relationships that supported me during this time in my life. The entire time, I was surrounded by nature’s beauty, an awe-inspiring, breathtaking array of Mountains, foothills and wildlife. Yet I very rarely took the time to really appreciate it. The times I did allow myself to breathe in the beauty and magnificence of the place I lived are some of my most precious memories of my time there.

One memory I have that has now become my favorite was on a hunting trip to the outskirts of Yellowstone. My ex was always hunting and had the goal of killing a six point elk. He succeeded on this trip but we got caught in the mountains in the dark and were forced to spend the night. We had no tents, no supplies for camping – nothing. I remember laying in the sage on the mountainside trying to sleep but being blown away by the night sky in all its glory. The air, the smells, the sensations, all remain vivid in my memory. It was spectacular! I can STILL feel all of it as if it was yesterday.

Those are the memories I want to keep. The others, well, they are lessons learned and I hope to share the good parts with my husband and children this week. I want them to see what I often did not, to know the world is glorious and full of wonder if only we would take the time to really SEE and appreciate it.

I will certainly share photos upon our return as well as any lessons and healing experiences I may have.

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The Full Story

Hope you all had a great Easter holiday with family. I took my children to my mom’s house where we had a nice meal, hunted for eggs and went swimming. It was in the mid-80’s so nice and warm, though the water was pretty cold and we ended up in the hot tub more than the pool.

Before the egg hunt.
Hot tub time!

Since we were near our old house, we went to investigate the renovations. The house was open and cleared out so we did a walk through. The entire upstairs had been gutted, leaving only the beams and outer walls. The fire had most obviously stayed in the attic area because almost all of the damage was in the roof.

 

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Overall the damage to the house didn’t upset me but my daughter and oldest son were a little disturbed. Both of them remember the house from their childhood so it, of course, would be upsetting.

The Full Story

Both my step-father and later my husband would tell me the full story as given to them by the wife of the man who died. The night of his suicide the wife had opted to not sleep in the bed with her husband because of a long-time upset of him not sleeping in the bed with her. Instead he would work through the night in a type of mania. They had been trying to reconcile their relationship since Christmas and he had been doing well, going to counseling and meeting all her demands, but he had started slacking. So that evening when she took her stuff to sleep downstairs he asked her, “Are you sleeping downstairs.” She replied she was and told him, “You made your bed, now sleep in it.”

This set him off and he drank an entire bottle of wine while muttering and writing all over the walls and the bed sheets. He was blaming his wife for everything he had done and would do. He pulled all her clothes down from the closet and put them in a pile on the floor. She had just bought them and he thought she was trying to find a new man. He stood over them holding matches as he accused her of cheating on him.

She stayed downstairs most of the time and he would sometimes yell, “Is this really what you want?” And she would say, “Of course not. Come downstairs and lets talk about it.” But he refused and got more and more erratic. At one point he disconnected the internet so that she could not use it.

She took the pistol and hid it and later went up to check on him. He mentioned to her about the pistol and then pulled the shotgun out from under the bed. He knelt down on the floor with it, barrel up and looked at her, saying, “Is this what you want?” Then he discharged it into the ceiling. Fearing he intended a murder suicide, she got out of there as quickly as she could, grabbed the house phone and went outside. She called 911 as she hid in the bushes.

Outside she waited as the 911 operator talked to her. Through a window she saw her husband go downstairs with the shotgun in his hands. That was the last time she saw him. She did not hear it when he shot himself in the head but she did hear the fire alarms when the fire was set.

911 called out SWAT and they arrived first and one of them took her far from the house. Then the fire truck arrived but by then most of the upstairs had been destroyed by the fire.

Later, the men looking through the rubble found her husband’s phone under the pile of burned clothes he had lit on fire. She got the phone in working condition and then found over 4 hours of voice recordings from that night. She also found texts he had sent to family before he died telling them, “Listen to the recording”. There were older texts with a friend who had suggested she might be cheating on him.

She later found out that he had switched his life insurance plan from her being the sole beneficiary to her and four other family members. He did this while with family over the Christmas holiday. This might suggest that he intended to kill himself all the way back then and might have had a suicide plan ahead of time.

The night he killed himself he took the dogs downstairs (they had four) and then set fire to her clothes in the closet. He then positioned himself so that his body would fall into the fire after he shot himself. He created his own funeral pyre. The official cause of death was by gunshot, not fire.

Idea

The wife does not intend to live in the house again. She was advised to repair the damage and put the house on the market. I suggested to my husband that we buy it back. He is about to get a huge promotion allowing us to afford two mortgages if we chose. So I figure why not buy it back? So my husband spoke to the owner and she said she would consider selling it to us, we just don’t know if she will offer it to us before she puts it on the market or if she will make us wait and compete with other offers. If she chooses the latter and there is a bidding war, we likely won’t have a chance.

Based upon what my husband told me, she seems most interested in making a profit off the property. He says she was very bitter toward her husband and angry that he changed the life insurance and put her in the position of having to deal with a damaged house. So while I would love to return to our old home, the odds do not look to be in our favor unless we somehow end up getting enough cash to buy it outright (which is not impossible).

Other News

Almost a week ago now, my children found a baby dove wrapped in tissue in a planter along the sidewalk. We rescued him and have been feeding and caring for him ever since. He is thriving and getting bigger and stronger every day. He was just getting feathers when we found him. He now has full feathered wings and almost full feathers on the rest of his body. We call him “Birdy” and he lives in a cardboard box as his “nest”. Soon he will be trying to fly and be out of the nest, though. It is just a matter of time.

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I kind of see this little bird as a message but it is hard to say exactly if he represents anything, really. It is just a feeling. I suspect that by the time we release him that it will be symbolic of a similar transformation being complete for me. I have often received messages of how I am like a baby bird who eventually must eventually learn to fly and leave the nest. Perhaps some phase is soon to come to an end? We’ll see, I guess.

Dove Symbolism and Meaning:

  • Love
  • Grace
  • Promise
  • Devotion
  • Divinity
  • Holiness
  • Sacrifice
  • Maternal
  • Ascension
  • Messenger
  • Hopefulness
  • Purification

 

 

 

 

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Oahu, Hawaii Trip

It’s been three days since we returned from Hawaii. The jet lag has been the worst! I am still recovering but at least today I don’t feel half-asleep and zoned out.

Day 1

We spent all day on a plane. The first flight was delayed. When we got to San Francisco we had to sprint to our next flight which was then…delayed. lol We arrived in Oahu around 11:30pm local time. We arrived at the hotel around 12:30am. I don’t know when I got to sleep but I didn’t get much sleep – maybe 3 hours.

Day 2

My husband woke early and brought me breakfast in the room, which was really nice because I was beat. We immediately went to explore Oahu in the rental car and headed to Halona Blowhole and Makapuu Lighthouse. The blowhole was spectacular as was the lighthouse. Sadly, the hike up to the lighthouse was rough on me. I got light headed and dizzy and had a near panic attack halfway up. I almost didn’t keep on but after a bit of rest I recovered and continued. I was happy I did because we got to see an amazing rainbow and the lookout at the top was even better.

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We continued to drive for a bit to check out what the local scene had to offer. We stopped at a local restaurant and had Hawaii food and then traveled to Diamond Head State Monument. Sadly it was crowded and I was feeling off again so we went back to the hotel to rest. I honestly don’t remember much after that. I think I fell asleep the minute I got into bed.

Day 3

The day began with a sales meeting and then lunch at a local diner. After we got back to the hotel I was still exhausted so lay in bed while my husband went swimming in the ocean. When he returned we had lunch and headed to Manoa Falls, a 150 foot waterfall. It was spectacular! Thankfully I did not suffer any panic attacks or weird exhaustion along the hike.

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That evening I was feeling good enough to go out, so we walked along Waikiki beach and had dinner in a nice restaurant. I ordered a drink while waiting for my meal and the alcohol was too much for me. I nearly passed out and had a panic attack waiting for my food. It was the worst! I was unable to keep my eyes open and felt completely wiped out. Being in public brought on the panic. When we got back to the hotel I settled and again fell asleep almost immediately.

Day 4

I started the morning with a deep tissue massage and facial. It was awesome and just what I needed. Afterward we headed to Diamond Head State Monument which is on top of a massive crater. The hike was long and steep and I had to take frequent breaks. Again, I began to feel panicky and almost turned around but I kept going. Again I was rewarded with spectacular views.

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When we got back to the hotel we went out to a very fancy restaurant. I ordered a glass of wine (cautiously) and was not ill affected. When we got back to the room I was not exhausted and actually struggled to fall asleep. Considering our flight was early and we had to wake at 4:00am, this lack of sleep was unwanted.

Day 5

This was another full day of travel. I did better than the flight in, stayed hydrated and made sure to move around more while in the plane. My back ached by the time we landed in Texas but I felt ten times better than when we landed in Oahu.

Travel across four times zones does not agree with me anymore. When I was in my 20s I did tons of traveling and never experienced jet lag like this! The side effects of travel this time make me never want to fly such distances again. Never in my life have I been so tired as to nearly pass out while on my feet. This induced panic, of course, because it was so unfamiliar and I was around large crowds of people. I probably should have gone to the beach instead of hiking steep trails!

My favorite part of this trip were the magnificent Banyan trees.

 

 

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Literal Head-On Collision

Yesterday was a crazy day.

My daughter and I were out back-to-school shopping most of the afternoon. My husband had taken our two youngest and two other children to the water park.

My daughter and I went to Schlotsky’s for dinner and short break from shopping. Mid-way through dinner my husband called me. He told me that I needed to come pick them up. He said he had hit his head and felt like he was going to throw up. He was asking me questions and telling me the names of our children as if to remind himself of who he was.

At the time I thought he was playing a prank. He is known for such things. So I played along, answering his repeated questions and telling him that I thought he was playing a joke on me. Eventually, though, after he repeated himself more than a few times and kept saying, “I’m scared. I’m scared”,  I asked him to put our son on the phone. When I talked to our son and asked him what was going on with his dad he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with daddy.” Then I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that he and daddy bumped heads and that his head was hurting and started to cry on the phone. I told him to give the phone back to his dad. My husband continued to repeat himself, asking me to come get them. I told him to put a park employee on the phone but before he could do that I received a phone call from the mother of one of the kids that was with them. When I switched lines, my husband hung up on me.

When I called back, my husband picked up and I told him what the mother had told me. I asked if he could be home soon and he said, “Yes ma’am.” I realized it was not my husband talking to me but whoever it was put the phone down. I listened in for a while and realized my husband was talking to someone about a head injury. I was positive then that he had not been joking around with me and that something serious had happened.

We left the restaurant. In the car I called back and my husband picked up the phone but handed it over to someone right away. A paramedic got on the phone and told me that my husband had a head injury but the eye test indicated he was okay. However, they wanted me to come pick him up because they didn’t want him to drive.

Then I received another phone call from the mother and she told me the paramedics had called her, too. She said she would meet me at the park.

When we arrived at the park I checked in and waited for them to escort me back to my husband. I called the mother to see if she had arrived and she had. She told me that she would watch our kids because the paramedics were going to take my husband to the E.R. She said my husband was repeating himself and I laughed it off saying it was normal. She said, “This is not normal.”

Inside the park my husband was in good spirits. He was smiling and chatty, walking around looking like he had just won a prize. The paramedics were around him and one approached me and informed me again that he thought my husband had a concussion from an accident where he and my son collided. He suggested I take him to the E.R. and explained why. Thankfully my son was okay.

Ultimately, I could not decide whether to take my husband to the E.R. He didn’t want to go and he can be very resistant and overpowering and I didn’t want to risk that. I called his brother and his brother suggested we wait and see and that he would meet me there. When I discussed this with the paramedic he said that would be okay considering the eye test administered and my husband’s overall condition, but that we should take him to the E.R. if he gets worse.

When my BIL arrived we met him up at the front. My husband talked the entire time, repeating the same questions over and over again. We lingered at the front for a while with my BIL. My husband was really happy and talking a mile a minute, repeating himself and asking questions about things that just happened that were not accident related. I took a video of him telling what he remembered, it turned out to be a good idea because later my husband watched this video over and over again, fascinated that he could not remember any of it.

When we got home he seemed to be regaining memory of events after the incident. He also remembered events prior to it. He began to calm down, too, and started acting more like himself.

This morning he woke me up asking, “Where is the Mazda?” We had left it at the water park and he had forgotten. At first I was worried but as we talked more I realized he was just trying to put together what memories he had of last night and some he still could not locate. He told me he struggled to sleep and opted to work in the middle of the night. I thought it not a good idea but he said he remembered everything about work perfectly, that it is only the event itself and some time after that he couldn’t remember.

Despite my telling him to rest and take it easy, my husband insisted on going for a bike ride this morning with our neighbor. He has always been restless and one to not handle downtime well. He told me he is fascinated with his loss of memory. He views it like a puzzle that needs to be solved.

We are still not completely sure what happened. They were on a non-water slide at the park, one called “speed” something. You lay down on your stomach on a mat and go down a very high and long slide. My son, his cousin and my husband all went down at the same time in different lanes. At some point my son crossed paths with my husband and they hit heads. My nephew witnessed it and said my son got up at the end of his ride and walked across my husband’s lane which is when they collided. My husband only remembers using his feet to try and slow down before the impact.

The water park gave us free tickets and was very apologetic. I am not sure but I think there was suppose to be someone at the end of the slide observing so that accidents like that did’t happen. So they are concerned we might sue them, which is not our intention.

My son is completely fine this morning. He told me he had been crying last night because he felt responsible for his dad getting hurt. Otherwise, my son has no aches or pains or injuries from the collision.

I am still a bit worried about my husband. He seemed like a little kid last night, excited and full of curiosity. This morning he is calmer but still a bit “off”. Peseverating (repeating ones self) is common with concussion but it was/is still disconcerting and he was asking the same questions he asked me last night.

 

 

 

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Slammed

It’s been a rough few days. The intestinal issues I mentioned in my last post have made it very uncomfortable for me. Then yesterday I woke with an awful sore throat that plagued me all day. The only relief came when I took some Ibuprofen and Loperamide toward bedtime.

When I woke this morning the sore throat was back with a vengeance but the intestinal issues have subsided somewhat. I suspect it is a virus now, though at first I thought otherwise. My youngest showed symptoms yesterday which changed my mind. However, having two viruses at the same time is no picnic. I hate being sick!

Along with my illness I’ve had my children home more than usual because the weather got very cold and icy Monday into Tuesday. School was closed Tuesday after a three-day weekend. My children ended up with some cabin fever – fighting, bickering, etc. I think I handled it well considering my condition.

The same time the icy weather showed our downstairs heater decided not to turn on. Thankfully it was resolved by a reset but my husband took his time because he likes using the fireplace. So I was cold, sick and dealing with grumpy kids. Hahaha

platy

Platies 🙂

To add to the fun, this morning I found that our fish aquarium filter had overflowed onto the wood floor under the aquarium. The wood was already showing signs of warping. This means now all three areas in our downstairs wood floor have water damage. A full replacement will be required at some point. The good news is that while vacuuming up the water I noticed a tiny baby fish swimming around. Upon inspection I found at least two. Looks like our Platies reproduced and some survived! 🙂

GAPS Diet

With the first signs of my intestinal issues I felt that I should return to the GAPS diet. I have been slow at getting started because of feeling so ill, but I was able to do a full day of the diet yesterday with good results. I plan to continue following the diet today.

This was what was on the menu yesterday:

Breakfast – Coconut pancakes, Kefir smoothie, coffee, egg whites with cheese, fresh carrot beet juice.

Lunch – Homemade butternut squash soup with sour cream, homemade almond rosemary-thyme crackers, roasted vegetables.

Dinner – GAPS chicken nuggets, baby kale salad with avocado and cucumber, lemon juice as the dressing, coconut pancake, roasted vegetables.

Top left – butternut squash soup. Left middle – roasted veggies. Left bottom – almond rosemary-thyme crackers. Large pic – dinner last night.

Staying on the GAPS diet is a lot of work so I doubt I will do it long-term. It requires I cook and shop frequently which is not always feasible. However, if my body continues to be moody and the intestinal issues don’t resolve I may end up just having to stick to the GAPS regardless. We’ll see what happens.

Dream: Sham

I have been sleeping light, waking every few hours from dreams.

The first dream I recall was early in the night. I remember meeting up with my ex-husband and him giving me some green, licorice looking “candy” (seeking a reprieve) that I requested. It was actually marijuana candy. I ate it and waited for the effects to kick in.

Then I was walking along suburban streets in the early hours of the morning. A Hispanic family was walking around looking for discarded “trash” that could be used or sold for a profit. They had with them their 9 year-old son who would wake early and help them scrounge for things every morning before school. I remember saying hello and then looking down at my feet at rope (connection/attachment to others) and various sets of keys (access) they left on the road. I left them there being careful not to step on anything.

Eventually, I made it “home” only it was unfamiliar. I walked up the sidewalk to the front door but had to climb small, wooden stairs (higher level of understanding) and almost fell because one of the rails was loose. The house was a mobile home (feeling insignificant or unappreciated) and quite nice and I remember knowing that it had been made to look expensive so as to keep up with all the other families in the neighborhood.

Inside, I noticed how nice everything was, especially the kitchen. Stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops. Lots of money and attention put into it. I remember thinking the wooden floors of the mobile home would not be able to hold it forever – not a solid foundation. I knew it (the house, the family) was all a sham.

Dream: In Labor

In this dream I kept feeling pains in my stomach and knew I was in labor (anticipation of hard work ahead). I informed my husband and he rushed to get me into a black SUV and to the hospital. The entire time I could feel the labor pains like waves through my abdomen and back. It was very realistic but muted just enough to keep me from waking.

It seemed to take forever but we arrived at a hospital, only it didn’t look like one. A woman who was very obviously pregnant, was waiting inside the room. She was smiling and said, “How far along are you?” I said, “38-39 weeks.” She asked me if it was normal for me to go into labor early and I said, “Yes, usually around 38-39 weeks.” I could still feel the labor pains and felt like someone was checking me. The woman kept smiling, her belly so huge I wondered how she hadn’t popped yet.

Eventually I was told that I was not in labor. The pregnant woman gave me the news. She said, “The twins aren’t ready to come yet. Still another few weeks.” She was referring to her own babies but I knew she also meant my baby was not coming yet. I was disappointed but accepted it as fact without any upset.

I woke suddenly from this dream and wondered if the pain in the dream had been bleed-through from my physical body. Maybe my stomach had been cramping in my sleep? But I had no pain when I woke up.

 

 

 

 

 

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Updates and Dreams

Just some updates on the mundane aspects of my life. Nothing too exciting but in my Blogger blog I have been writing quite a bit more on such topics than here on WP. If you haven’t been reading that blog then you may not be aware of some of what I am about to update.

I am halfway through my NASM course and finding it harder and harder to stay interested. The course pace is slow compared to how quickly I work on my own and that is the main reason for my loss in interest. Not much else to say about this topic.

I have been struggling for almost two months now with horrible hormonal acne around both sides of my mouth. The antibiotics I was prescribed worked but then began to run out prior to getting another prescription. So the spots started recurring and I am having to go through the whole process of healing again.

When I say “horrible” compared to others struggling with acne it is really not that bad, but to me it is horrible because it is worse then the acne I had as a teenager. When I was a teenager I use to cry about my complexion and had some bad experiences with mean girls in high school picking on me for the one or two spots I would get around my monthly cycle. So having these kinds of breakouts at my current age is a miserable experience for me. I just want to feel on the outside as beautiful as I feel on the inside. I believe it is a life lesson on vanity and I am making progress. So even though I still get upset by the way my face looks I am able to suck it up and just take a deep breath and move on. I just remind myself that it is temporary, no one notices but me and no one cares really. Besides, when I look back on memories of my life I can’t recall what my complexion was like in any memory. So if I don’t recall it even if at the time it was upsetting then it is not a big deal in the big scheme of things.

Regardless, I don’t want to look like a teenager with skin issues and though it is not a consistent issue for me it is enough that I am FED UP. My dermatologist has been trying to get me back on birth control from the get-go because the location of the breakouts suggests it is all hormonal. I do not disagree but I got nasty migraines from BC in 2011 so stopped taking them and swore I wouldn’t take them again. Plus, with my tubes tied I don’t need to take them now. I have tried all kinds of natural remedies with some success but even those are not working now. I have run out of options and it comes down to the question of which is worse, taking antibiotics for months at a time or taking BC? Honestly, I think the antibiotics are the worse of the two evils. So I will be starting BC this week and keeping my fingers crossed that I do not suffer from the migraines I got in 2011. If I do get migraines I can’t take the BC and have to go back to the drawing board.

On top of the skin issues I cracked my one and only crown last weekend and so am headed in today to get it looked at. It doesn’t hurt but it was scary when it happened because I heard it crack. I’ve since had visions of my teeth cracking and falling out. Not a fun thing to imagine! I got the crown prior to getting braces and have had no issues but I suspect that it was cracked over the four days I had no braces and no retainer. I likely clenched or ground my teeth in my sleep and fractured it then so when I flossed it finished the job. I hate the dentist and am already anxious about having them drilled off the old crown and set the new one. I am also scared they will find several other cracked teeth and that I will need more crowns. If that is the case I wish they would just knock me out for the procedures rather than me sit there tense for over an hour. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Add to all of the above a sore throat and it is no fun being me right now. It is not a bad sore throat but it is bothersome and the first sign of illness since June.

I’ve been having the urge to cut off all my hair again, too. Not sure why but I did cut it all off in 2014 and it was a relief not to have to do anything with my hair. I didn’t look bad either but I did look older. My hair is super thick and unruly and a pain to keep up with even when long. It grows fast and is an ugly color (IMO) and so the upkeep can be expensive and a PIA. When it is short I still have to cut it frequently but that is it and all I have to do when I wake up is put my fingers through it and go about my day. It is SO tempting to just chop it all off. I may just settled on cutting some bangs, though, because my daughter would cry if I cut it again. lol

As for my diet and exercise goals not much to talk about. Monday I woke knowing I needed to take a break from all running and weight training so that is what I am doing. Interesting it was yesterday evening when the sore throat began. It is not good to overdo it when sick so it works out well. I have been extra tired, depressed, unmotivated and not having any wins so it is likely I have overdone it anyway. My last run of 6.25 miles was a struggle and should not have been. In fact, most of my runs over the last couple of weeks have been slower and more tiring than usual. All of this points to REST. So be it.

Monty is doing okay but my youngest has it out for him and I have to watch him like a hawk. This morning he dumped the entire box of treats for Monty to eat and I had to work fast to avoid a sick puppy. Monty is still not potty trained either. I blame that on so many people being involved, a toddler who is constantly letting him into the living area and house and very little help from anyone but my daughter. He is 10 weeks old today and there is still time but I am losing hope and thinking he may end up an outside dog. 😦

elekmonty

Monty sleeping in Elek’s car seat with Elek. 

Spiritual Update

Not much to talk about here really. Most of my guidance is via my dreams or a silent Knowing. The message has been to focus on healing and request assistance. So I have been asking for assistance prior to bed and I believe it is helping.

Prior to bed last night I asked for assistance and healing. I specifically requested that I lucid dream and go OOB more frequently, experience more instances of Divine Love and friendship, have more Kundalini bliss or other spiritual interesting experiences. We’ll see what, if anything, comes from my request.

Dream: 44

In this dream I was having a discussion with a man who I called, “David”. In the dream I kept thinking of him as an ex-boyfriend by that same name only he preferred to be called “Dave”. Our discussion was about “retirement” (transition, end of stage, need to retire something) but I can only recall snippets of what was said. I remember saying that I felt to retire at so young an age would be looked down upon by others and was worried of being criticized. He said to me, “You can retire at any age.” The specific career path we were discussing was teaching/education.

When we were having this discussion I saw the number 44 floating in the air as it was mentioned. I remember thinking it was David’s age, yet a part of me was certain this was incorrect. Ultimately, this inner-disagreement over his age is what woke me up.

When I woke up I was still thinking of my ex and how there was no way he was 44 years old because when we were dating I was 29 and he was 36. That would mean he would be 48 years old now, not 44.

I lingered in bed suddenly remembering the entirety of the time I dated Dave – probably around 3 months. He was the only Scorpio I ever dated and one of the few men I met via a free online dating service. I met him right before I moved to Austin and got a job, toward the end of a nasty depression/low-point in my life while I was briefly living with my mom.

It was amazing to me just how much I recalled and I assume now the dream was meant to direct me to inspect that time in my life. Upon inspection I realized that I knew early on in my relationship with him that it would lead nowhere but I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. When he broke up with me (yep him with me) I got furious and vindictive, which is very unlike me. In retrospect I realized I was angry at myself for not following my instincts and being “weak”. I was also angry at the universe for the obvious message that I was meant to be alone/independent at that time in my life.

Dream: Memory Spheres

In this dream I walked into a classroom to observe. This classroom was not inside a building but on the edge of a beautiful mountain yet there was a sense that it had walls that could not be seen – like an invisible boundary.

I went up to a desk near the teacher’s desk and sat down. A little black girl, hair all braided and neat, came and looked at me oddly. I asked her, “Is this your desk?” She nodded that it was. I told her it was the best desk in the room because from it one could see the entire classroom. She disagreed for she felt the desk to be her “punishment”.

There is dream memory loss here but eventually I was sitting facing up the mountain next to the girl and a male friend of hers. She was upset over feeling taken advantage of and used. This caused her to be very angry and defensive with people leading to problems in her life. I began to counsel her on how to handle her emotions. I showed her how to take her memories and push them out of her, form them into a sphere and then project all the emotions that went with the memories into the sphere. I formed a sphere for her and pushed it in her direction. I said, “Now you can make it any color you want. Then put all the emotion into it.” She struggled, saying, “I can’t” because there was so much memory and so much emotion. I suggested she section off the memories. I remember explaining to another person that this little girl was struggling with memories from lifetimes of being a slave. She objected to this at first because she presently was not a slave but then reconsidered as it became clear that “slavery” can be defined in more than one way.

The spheres we were working with were very vivid, the energy within them very much “alive” and the emotion placed within them tangible. When I tried to create my own energy sphere in the dream I could not, though. I assume it is because I had the same issues as the little girl – too much memory and emotion for just one sphere to contain. Yet I understood that once free of the emotion I could view the memories “objectively” and ultimately learn the lessons they were meant to teach.

I also had memory of learning to create spheres of energy. Long ago I had a dream/OBE in which I was creating energy spheres. It seems this dream was a continuation of that.

Dream: Fun Run

I was walking outside the gym of a school when someone told me there was to be a “fun run” and asked if I was going to join. I said I would and then began talking with the students, most of the male. We mostly spoke of music and I remember holding a large, computer-like screen in my hand while listening to various tracks. One guy was listening in and showed interest in a particular song. I remember liking it but noting it was too slow – 137bpm. I changed the music to something faster. The student then asked me if I was going to take the large screen on my run and I told him I had Bluetooth headphones.

As we were preparing to start the run (pursuit of one’s goals) we went inside the gym (application of lessons learned) and somehow I ended up on a large ship (need to release emotion) and nearly fell off. It was odd to me that there was a ship inside the gym but I accepted it as normal.

As we began to run we encountered various wild animals that were threatening. I remember seeing all kinds but not being deterred by them. Someone said to me as they ran past, “The animals are illusions meant to slow you down. Don’t let them.”

I topped a hill that morphed into the top of a very steep cliff (at critical moment in life, considering life-altering decision) that fell straight down. By this time I felt to be flying more than running. I saw many animals in my path all coming for me with great speed. One in particular was a large cougar/mountain lion (anger, aggression, raw emotion). It was huge and snarling but I just stepped on it’s head as I floated over it. It did not disappear like an illusion should but I had no fear.

I remember checking my watch and noting that I had run 3.5 miles and had yet to complete the “Fun Run”.

Last Night

Last night I had a lucid dream sometime in the early morning. I lost memory of most of it now but I had been flying and smoking pot. lol There was a mountain scene that materialized out of nowhere with a message about physicality but I only remember now that it had to do with being aware of how one’s thoughts affect the present moment.

The most vivid dream memory I have this morning was of being in a classroom full of kids. Two girls from high school were talking about another classmate’s children and I asked a question about how many kids he had. They both looked at me rudely without talking and I felt their judgement strongly just as I had felt it in high school. Later, another classmate came in and started giving me orders, telling me I was to watch the kids in the class. I told her it was not my assignment and refused to do it, walking out of the room mumbling how I had not gotten sleep for three nights in a row from being woken at 4am every night. I went to the lounge to get a much needed cup of coffee and a woman introduced me to a man and said I was to work with him on donations. I got furious because no one had asked me and I had never agreed to doing any of it. I began to tell her that I was done with school, that I had already graduated and did not need to be there anyway. I knew when I was saying this that graduation was three weeks away but I didn’t care.

 

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Meet Monty

The trip south of San Antonio was a long one but we got there by 7pm last night. The place was way out in the country and they had more dogs than I could count running this way and that. The mini-Aussie is so much smaller than a standard Aussie that their size caught me off guard. I almost backed out but I didn’t want to disappoint my kids. Plus we had driven 2.5 hours through traffic to get there. The father of the litter of pups was so handsome and reserved and his energy was wonderful, so much so that my middle son asked, “Can we get this one?” LOL

It took the kids a while to pick the one they wanted. I wanted the one that was too young (of course) but since this dog is not just mine I let the group decide and they opted for a very out-going, friendly one that kept jumping toward them when they came near.

Montana

The trip home only took 1.5 hours because there was no traffic so we got home before 10pm. The puppy did well considering it was his first long car ride. He only whimpered a little and the kids all three sat in the back seat with him on their lap. They are over the moon in love with him. Even now I hear them downstairs talking and playing with him. He will not be bored by our family, that is for sure!

We considered names as we drove home. My husband kept saying, “Barlow” and I had a name pop into my head – Gunther. So I joked around the whole trip that his new name would be “Gunther Barlow” – “Gunner” for short. LOL I actually liked it because it sounded like some kind of musician or celebrity name to me. hehe Plus, my ex-husband’s nickname is Gunner and I thought it suited a pet’s name (no insult intended). I have been thinking of my ex and Montana lately because I have been thinking of Trooper and the time he was alive so that is why my ex-husband’s nickname was on my mind.

The puppy spent his first night in an extra large crate, Trooper’s old one. He was not happy in it and cried of course. He started out in my daughter’s room but within 5 minutes she was begging me to take him out because he was too loud. So I took him downstairs in the spot we created for him in the laundry room that’s connected to our kitchen. He spent the night in there and we couldn’t hear his cries. I know he stopped crying within 30 minutes though because I could not sleep again. I was up until 1:30am this time. 😦

This morning when I woke up I was thinking of the little puppy and wondering about a name. I thought, “Montana on my Mind” and then knew his name – Monty. When I went downstairs the entire family was at the park with him (sun barely up) so I joined them. When I got there I told them the name and the kids all loved it and immediately started calling him Monty. So Monty he is. 🙂

Now begins potty training and training in general. So far the kids are very attentive to him and listening to my doggy rules for training. The rules are: 1. Whoever gets him from his crate/kennel must take him immediately outside to go potty (dogs won’t potty in their crate). 2. Always take him outside after he eats and don’t let him back in until he has done his business. 3. Someone must always be with him when he is inside the house and not in his kennel. 4. Take him outside every half hour or so to let him potty. 5. ALWAYS praise him when he goes potty outside. 6. Anytime we are not home he gets put in his kennel/crate.

So far so good. During the week all of the above rules will mainly be my job. Yay? lol

Personality-wise he seems to be very attention-seeking. He likes feet and tends to get right up under my feet as soon as he sees me. He likes being held and being close to a human body. He hasn’t been playing much but last night he found a dirty sock to play with almost immediately. When left on his own he follows us and does not wander far. So far he responds to us calling him pretty quickly. I was told (I didn’t see myself) that my husband’s already prepping him for his role of “running companion”. Monty ran with him and he was able to keep up for a short distance, too. Considering how small he is (can’t be more than 5lbs), that is impressive!