Category Archives: Music

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The Burden is Real

If I had to describe the last couple of days I would describe them as weird. Different. I don’t know if that even suffices but it will have to do.

I am still struggling to fall asleep. Then, when I do sleep, I sleep really deep and wake up feeling like I have been drugged. I linger in bed sometimes for an hour going in and out of the in-between. My body feels like it needs months of sleep right now to catch up but I have done plenty of catching up already. Even now, three hours after waking, my eyes are heavy and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

My dreams are barely memorable. I have been doing some traveling that is for sure. Two nights ago I was with a FB friend traveling through the UK (renewal) searching for her male friend. Last night I was traveling to Mexico (preservation of tradition, family, faith and culture) but forgot my bag so we had to turn back early on, delaying us by 10 hours.

Yesterday, prior to bed and upon waking there was a male presence attending to me. The feeling from him was that he wanted my attention, that he wanted me to look at something I did not want to look at. Memories came to me as I tried to ignore him, memories that incited deep emotion and regret. When I woke I had some intense realizations that I couldn’t shake.

When I got on FB to check if there was anything interesting going on I saw my own post two years ago. I posted a request for prayers because my husband and I were having marriage issues. It got over 20 comments of support.

The post hit me hard and echoed the “wake up call” I had just received. Not only that, but in attempt to avoid the FB memory I wandered into WordPress to read recent posts and saw something that further supported the feeling/Knowing I woke with.

Without going into too much detail, I will say this: my realization centers around taking responsibility and acknowledging the truth about something I am “guilty” of doing, something I have done previously and something I will likely continue to do if I pretend it is not there. Not only is this something not in line with my Truth but I have justified it to the point that I believe it not to be wrong, that I believe myself not guilty of trespassing upon myself. Ha! That is the perfect word – trespass. And in trespassing upon myself, I trespass upon those I love.

And all of it the result of fear, making decisions from a place of fear. It takes a lot of courage to just admit that, but the real courage is making decisions and acting up them from a place of love. That is the hard part because when fear has been the motivator all along, acting from a place of love can seem downright idiotic and scary. Like, “What the hell are you thinking?” scary.

Love here is more than just love of Self. It is love for others as well. And it is standing for what is right and ethical even if it means unwanted or uncomfortable change.

To make a long story short, I am saying to myself, “Shame on you!”

I am still not 100% clear about what all this means but I do know that I am ready to take responsibility for my actions and live my Truth rather than perpetuate a lie for the sake of preserving an echo of what was. It is hard to know, really, what that Truth is after so many years of pretense. What is true to me and what isn’t? I am not sure anymore. All I know is what I feel and I guess that has to be good enough. At least I am feeling something. For so many years I was just numb.

Libra Retrograde

I wrote the above portion of this post yesterday and then abandoned it. I was really feel weird….off…..out of it and needed to get myself straight before finishing it. I decided to go shopping alone to try and shake off the feeling. Sadly, it only got worse. I ended up walking down the isles of a clothing store pointlessly. I bought my daughter a sweater and headed toward the car. As I stepped out the door I was hit with a really strong inner “push” and knew what I needed to do. In that moment I felt a bit lost, like a child who just realized they have been separated from their mother. It sucked.

When I got in the car I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Internally I felt hollow, like someone had come in and scooped out everything and I was just waiting to be filled up again.

After grocery shopping, and very slowly I at that, I came home and the feeling persisted. I stumbled across another astrology blog post and more clarity was provided. The warnings I have been receiving about the end of this year were spelled out in the stars.

The first thing I noticed was Libra retrograde, which just happened a few days ago. In fact, the weirdness I have been feeling matched up almost perfectly. I’m thinking now, “Come on Universe, wtf gives? What is with all these damn retrograding planets!!??” But then I know this has been going on all my life so it is not just a planet doing all this. There is something much bigger at work and it just so happens the planets reflect all that.

So it looks like right now’s the time to look within and really be honest with myself (sigh). That is exactly what I woke up knowing yesterday and the entire day seemed to pummel me with “reality”. It is suggested in the post linked above that I do some writing about the people in my life and how I am helping/hindering them and vice versa. I need to really look at what is there without pretending it is something else.

The rest of this year is gonna be a challenge, too. 😦

Signs and Dreams 

When I got home from grocery shopping, my kids helped me unload the car and my daughter nearly stepped on this:

wolf spider

When I saw this spider I was immediately fascinated by it. It was so big! When I got closer to take a pic I realized her abdomen was covered in tiny babies! Amazing!

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Fascinated, I watched her it for a while. It is a female Wolf spider. They are common around here. They are venomous and known to bite, so I just observed her for a while and left her alone.

I knew this spider was a message. Turns out Wolf spiders do not spin webs. They stalk their prey like tarantulas. So no surprise that their primary gift and message is timing. Their message is to wait for the perfect time before taking action. They remind us that all we desire in life is coming to fruition but we must step back and allow it to take hold in a solid foundation.

Moving too soon will undermine all my hard work. I have to wait and will Know when the time is right to take action. OMG I am so tired of getting this message!! But I really, really love this spider. Isn’t she beautiful? And how she tends to her young, keeping them on her back until they are strong enough to survive on their own….that is a message in and of itself.

Last night at bedtime my heart was sore and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I know there are contracts that need to be concluded but I am not the only one involved and though I feel ready to act I cannot until there is agreement/readiness from all. There is this stuckedness that I feel that bothers me. I try to accept it and surrender but the impatience surfaces time and time again. I can see the possibility in front of me but I cannot get to it yet. It tends to make me apathetic. I can see the finish line but am walking in place, as if on a treadmill, no closer to the end than I was ten years ago.

I was asked if I wanted to continue my healing work and I agreed. I also reaffirmed past intentions, intentions I have had for a very long time now.

Dream: Mansion

My dreams were strange. In one I was in a mansion (current relationship is in a rut), one I have visited before in my dreams – dark wood paneling and grand furnishings. My husband’s aunt, who lives in Georgia, had invited us to her home (which is like a mansion, they are millionaires). She bought up all his paintings (intuition, need for self-expression) and then auctioned one of them off for $35,000! We were asked to move there and I told her that the house was too big, that it didn’t make sense to me to be so separated from my children.

Then I walked up to a lever that was used to lock (ability to get what I want) and unlock the front door. I wound it and then clicked it in place. The door unlocked and I felt very satisfied, almost giddy.

Then I was at a party and there were people (need to enjoy myself) everywhere drinking and mingling. I remember trying to find my husband and being told where he went. I walked outside to get him and to my right was a group of children playing miniature golf (indulgences). A woman had come with me and asked if I wanted to play. I said no when I saw the golf clubs had basketballs (teamwork is needed) on the ends that rolled and made it very hard to direct the golf ball.

I located my husband passed out in a booth with several other grown men (loss of awareness). He had gotten really drunk (seeking escape from some situation). Two women were playing a card game (ability to strategize) at the table. I was invited to play and watched very carefully to see what the game was. I did not recognize it. I could see the card’s numbers and suites but they were not normal playing cards. The woman asked if I knew how to play and I told her I did not. She laughed and said it was easy to learn. The last thing I recall is seeing the deck of cards with their numbers added up – 9 + 3 = 12.

Dream: Old Rugged Cross

Then the dream shifted and I was inside a room with my husband’s aunt and a group of others. It felt like we were in a chapel (things I hold sacred) with the same dark wood paneling as the mansion. There was a little girl with us, she looked like I did as a child (my inner child). The discussion was about a pair of flip flops with My Little Pony on them. It shifted into talking about the toy ponies. I remembered my childhood and how much I loved My Little Pony and told my aunt that I had a pair of flip flops (ability to relax, unable to make a decision) that had the ponies (unexplored, undisciplined aspect of self) on them that I use to look at in school and daydream (excessively worried about a situation) about. I explained that I would finish my assignments before everyone else and often got bored so daydreaming (seeking escape) was my way of passing time. The memories made me happy.

Then someone began to sing a familiar hymn. When I recognized it, I sang along. My heart lifted as I sang and I could hear my voice within the dream. I knew the lyrics by memory and the part, “I will cling to the old rugged cross, and exchange it some day for a crown….” woke me up.

Music Messages

When I woke I was feeling down and hopeless. I wondered, “Why do I keep hearing this song in my dreams!?” Then I realized it was because it feels as if I am carrying a cross on my back, a burden that is mine alone to bear. It felt so unfair yet at the same time it seemed like my duty. I know that anyone who knows me would not believe I was carrying a burden. But I am. Every day, all day. Some days I don’t know how I manage, but somehow I do. The song promises that one day I will be rewarded but the wait and the burden seems unbearable at times.

The messages from the previous day indicated that I needed to wait as well. Despite knowing what needs to be done I also know it may be a while before I will be able to act. I see what I want but have a rope tied around my waist and am being pulled back.

Another song came to mind as I lingered in the in-between going over my dreams, their messages and my Knowing. The specific part that I heard was, “I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space….”

 

 

 

 

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Happy Equinox!

Happy Fall Equinox! Hope everyone has been resting up and readying themselves for more shifting because it is coming and it won’t come in quietly (so I’m told). I’ve already gone from needing more sleep to struggling to fall asleep (again). Sigh. Thankfully that is really the only issue for me with all the energy shifts of late.

Something else that has been on-going for me is the Kundalini continues to be switched “on” more than usual. It is why I struggled to fall asleep that last couple of nights. As I mentioned in another post, the Kundalini energy is personified, meaning I often hear and feel it as a masculine presence/guide/energy. The last two nights (and even during the day) it has been “talking” to me, asking if I am “ready”. If I focus in on what it tells me I am filled with bliss and do not doubt it’s message. The last two nights I have awakened with portions of songs in my head, all messages indicating something to come.

What I hear – Will you lay it all on me now?

What I hear – Pull me closer, why don’t you pull me close, why don’t you come on over?…why don’t you just meet me in the middle?

What I hear – Are you ready? I’ll be ready.

I continue to be reminded of incidences of late involving the Kundalini energy. They are distinctly different in that I experience what I can only relate to as my own energy/personality being displaced by something much, much bigger than myself. When it happens a part of me is temporarily shocked and worried that I am being “taken over”. This is likely old programming surfacing. I never feel fear. I never feel resistant. I am completely open and allowing, always surrendering, in awe of this new, insanely huge powerful presence that I recognize as ME.

I can’t even relay to you the magnitude of the experience. I am left changed afterward. Feeling a profound shift within that says I am on the right track; I have tuned into that very real part of myself that has been forgotten – lost to me for so long.

What I am sensing and being told through continued memory of these incidences, coming to me after seeming to be somehow forgotten (how IDK), is that more of these experiences are coming. I have no doubt I will continue to surrender and allow. This seems to somehow have become my natural tendency. All resistance has melted away. There is no fear which in and of itself is so completely amazing to me.

I look forward to having more of these experiences and for them to last longer and longer until they become commonplace.

Dreams

Lots of very detailed dreams but I haven’t had the time or energy to write them all out. Here are a few from the past week.

Deaf Mute

In the dream I was in a grocery store (seeking fulfillment) with a family of three. None of them were able to talk and I think they may have been deaf (not hearing something) as well because they used sign language (try using other means of communication) to communicate. The little girl and I had a connection. When I shopped she would pick up tortillas (wholeness) when I did and I remember talking to her parents about her. They were able to read my lips I think because when I asked her name they signed, Maia. I could read the letters in sign language and said her name aloud.

As the dream progressed I was taken to a house (aspect of Self) that was prepared for me and told I was welcome to move in. It was nice and clean with wood trim and wooden furniture that was a nice, golden oak color. I remember taking a large lamp (illumination, guidance) and putting it on a table to illuminate the room. Someone told me they had just cleared the bathtub drain and that it was all clear (blockage has been removed) and ready for use.

When I woke the song Little Talks was in my head, specifically the part, “Though the truth may vary this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.”

Vision

After waking I had a vision of a very large and dead octopus. As a dream symbol the octopus means to be entangled in a relationship or codependent situation. It can also mean being too clingy. Being it is dead them maybe I am freeing myself of these things? Perhaps it was indicative of something that occurred later this morning – I decided to release some of the resistance I have been feeling and go back to acceptance – back to the grind, dealing with work, marriage, family, etc.

Pet Cricket

In this dream I was driving with a girlfriend on curvy roads toward her home in the country. We arrived at a white farmhouse and the girl got out and began to unload her things. We took them inside and met up with her mom and family. I thanked her mother for allowing her to come with me on the trip. The family seemed suspicious of me. The mom indicated that she had a clogged (obstacle to progress) bathtub (need for renewal) that needed repair. I mentioned my husband was a plumber and could possibly fix it. I wanted to give the family a gift for allowing me to take their daughter with me on our trip. I asked if the tub would need to be replaced and the mother indicated it would. I said it may not be a good idea to have my husband do it and opted to give her $50 instead.

The girl had a cat (feminine sexuality, creativity and power) that she wanted me to take with me but I decided against it because I didn’t feel the cat would do well in my car (life path). As I was preparing to leave I realized I was carrying another of the girl’s pets. A tiny cricket (introspection/guidance) that was sitting on my shoulder chirping in my ear. I felt affection toward it. It fluttered near my ear like a tiny fairy, but it was definitely a cricket. In the end I sent it back with the girl and then drove away.

Broken Cell Phone

This dream began with me inside a truck (work), my daughter was driving. She was out of control. I took the wheel but was in the passenger seat (feeling out of control) so couldn’t see well as I tried to park. I ended up rear ending a car (feeling in a rut, restless) and then driving away from the accident scene.

I wound up lost (feeling lost in life), driving around for a while and then stopping at a restaurant and sitting outside with some others trying to figure out where I was. My phone (lack of understanding) was not working properly. The GPS was not there. Instead it was a message that made no sense and a map of the city that did not allow me to navigate home. Somehow I managed to call my husband and he responded very rudely to my request for help. I realized he and I were divorced and that he wanted nothing to do with me. The dream left me confused as to where home was – with him or somewhere else?

Shark

This morning I woke up with a vision of a shark in my head. It felt like someone was being deceptive. My initial feeling upon waking was of being on alert to danger, but I am not sure where this danger is coming from.

Trail Run

Lastly, yesterday my husband and I both ran our first ever trail run race. He ran the marathon version and I ran the 10K. He got third place overall men and I got second place overall women. I was shocked that I placed at all, as was he. In fact, it was his first time to ever place on a marathon run, so he was really proud of himself. It was also my first time to place on a 10K. The woman who was first place was 27 years old, so that made me feel all the more proud of my accomplishments. We both decided to continue running trails and will be running more races in the near future. I may run a half-marathon next time, which is something I never thought I would do since my last half-marathon attempt was less than satisfying.

 

 

 

 

 

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What Goes Around, Comes Around

It feels like we have entered another integration period. The cycle tends to go – upgrade, integrate, upgrade, integrate, and so on and so forth. The acceleration in August was intense, too. For some this may still be on-going. I went through at least two accelerations in August, both followed by periods of tiredness (sleeping deeply and for longer periods of time). It seems like these acceleration periods (upgrades or whatever) are increasing in number and frequency. Yet the recovery periods are shorter than they use to be. For example, I went through three weeks of acceleration and then only had one week of “rest” before the next hit.

Currently, I am just more tired at night. Through the day I am fine and feel relatively balanced. I’ve noticed my husband has been taking naps a lot lately. Perhaps he is feeling it, too?

The Kundalini has quieted down quite a bit compared to what it was; however, I still have activity in dreams and while awake indicating it has by no means gone dormant. I’ve been so tired, though, that I sleep right through the Kundalini. If you’ve ever experienced the K energy then you know how hard it is to sleep through it!

Recent events are pointing to some interesting up and coming shifts. My guides are emphasizing the need for rest – not physically but spiritually. The messages continue to come in. Most of the time it is waking up with a song on my mind. But I also have flashes of memories from dreams and the in-between coming to me throughout the day.

For example, this morning I woke with a Justin Timberlake song in my head. I’m not a fan but it doesn’t matter, the message was embedded in the song and I needed to hear it.

The message was, “What goes around comes around.” We’ve all heard it before and I knew it was a warning. I also knew I needed to share it. So heads up peeps! Get ready.

As for the flashes from dreams, I had a vivid one today. Well, two. The first was from a recent dream I haven’t posted yet.

Dream: Running Group

I noticed a group of people in running gear gathering outside. They were all wearing marathon t-shirts. My husband was leading them because their regular leader could not be there. They met every Monday for group runs but opted to do SAQ drills (speed, agility, quickness) that day. I wanted to join in but had on the wrong shoes so I went home to get my running shoes. When I got to the front door there were large, concrete steps (efforts toward achieving my goals) that were way taller than they should have been. I tried to climb them but they seemed too high (obstacles to overcome) and I struggled. Just trying exhausted me. I remember laying down and taking a nap I got so tired (feeling unable to overcome obstacles).

Then I was inside the house (self). I ended up in my mom’s (past issues) bathroom (cleansing). I went to use the toilet (release emotion, remove something that is useless) and there was an empty bottle (exhausted inner resources) in it and a huge, white trash bag with stinky garbage (rejected or unwanted aspect of self) in it next to the toilet. I remember I could smell the stench and it being really repugnant. As I sat using the toilet (the water was clear) a group of little boys came in. I told them to leave.

When I went outside to join the running group I was barefoot (unprepared) and could not run with them. I ended up looking inside a shed the runner’s had been in. I saw they had left supplies, some of it thawing meat. I told someone,  “He left all this meat out to rot (degradation of being).” I gathered up the meat and took it inside.

IMG_3476

Flash of Memory

The flash of memory I had from this dream was the running shirts the people were wearing. The shirts were green with the word, “Run” written on them three times in huge letters. Not long after this flash of memory I was folding laundry and there was my husband’s green Austin Marathon t-shirt from 2018 – Run, Run, Run.

The message, “Run!” was given to me in the in-between on a few days ago. You can read about it here.

I don’t know what to think of this message. I am obviously not getting it or I would not be receiving it again and again. If I am meant to “run”, is it literal? If so, I am running quite a bit, preparing for a trail run next weekend. If another kind of run, as in “get the hell out” then, why? Out of my house? Out of Texas? Out of what? Or is it out of a situation? It also could just be a warning to avoid something, but then I have no idea what.

As with all messages it is likely I won’t know until it is too late anyway. I don’t know why my guides bother.

School buses should have seatbelts to ensure student ...

Another Flash

Out of the blue I recalled a dream from the same night as the one above. In the portion I recall, I was getting into a white car with a close friend. He was driving. We were driving behind a long line of school buses and going pretty slow.

Seeing a school buses suggests I am about to venture on an important life journey needed for my own personal growth. Considering the number of school buses it could mean I have several “journeys” ahead of me. lol Either that or this journey’s significance is multiplied by the number of buses. I remember only a few from the dream, not nearly as many as in the above picture.

Considerations

I wish I could put all the above together to make some kind of sense out of it, but I can’t. The message “run” could mean anything, but when I think of it the first thing that comes to mind is that it is what someone would say to another to keep them from harm. So, I take it as a warning that something “harmful” is coming and if I leave now, or head in the opposite direction of the path I am now on, that I could avoid it. But without seeing whatever it is I am suppose to run from, how do I know I am running in the right direction?

And the message “what goes around comes around” has me considering that something I have encountered before is about to return for another round of lessons. It doesn’t feel like a situation where I did something in the past and it is now going to bite me in the ass. Instead, it feels like a repeat of a situation, as if something is coming full circle to be looked at again. There doesn’t seem to be any “bad” or “good” feeling to the message either.

And it could be that all the messages are related. That this repeat of a situation is something I should “run” from (avoid) if I can. However, if I don’t then there may be a valuable life journey in it resulting in more growth.

So run? Or meet it head on? Guess we’ll see.

 

 

 

 

 

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Message Overload

It’s been a full and busy week but I’ll skip the mundane stuff for now as it all goes along with being a working mom/wife/do-it-all superwoman. 🙂

Spiritually I have been receiving messages both in dreams and in signs and messages from the environment.

This week’s messages:

A double rainbow 🙂

Image may contain: sky, tree, cloud, plant, outdoor and nature

A quote from Into the Wild –

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living.

Some kind of dead baby animal on the sidewalk which came after seeing two baby doves, one dead and the other waiting to die.

Image may contain: outdoor

Fantastic sunsets every day this week

Image may contain: sky, cloud, twilight, outdoor and nature

And then there are the following dreams and messages which include:

Orangutans
Message to “Run!”
Goddess Kali
The Madonna

Dream: Finding Balance

In this dream I was a student attending school. I was male and much older than the other kids (like 18 while they were all early teens). There was a discussion about me that I heard as if part of it. The teachers were saying that I was not living up to my potential. There are flashes of memory of me working on my assignments and getting them back with red marks on them and deductions in points for grammatical (communication) errors. It was so common that I had gone into apathy over it for the most part. Eventually, I got a paper back, saw points deducted and got angry about it because the error was due to the teacher’s poor handwriting. I showed it to the teachers, exasperated, saying, “You can’t even tell what that word is!” I ended up crying and feeling like a failure.

Then the dream ended up with me being given a pair of inline skates (balance). All the other students were skating perfectly and I could barely stay standing (feeling uncertain). I recall that skating was a school subject and like the other subjects I was doing very poorly. Eventually, I decided I would not fail so I just kept trying, intent on being able to succeed at skating. My main issue was staying balanced on the skates. I kept falling over. With practice I realized that it was all in the way I was positioning my feet. I shifted position and it allowed me to stay up on my feet. I learned from there to skate really well (progressing towards goals). Everyone noticed and there was acknowledgement by them that I could succeed. I was proud of myself, too. It was a relief.

Message: Run!

As I woke from this dream I was still emotional but not crying. I lingered in the in-between where I spoke to my guidance a while. The main feeling I had was of hopelessness. There was a feeling of not knowing how to proceed, like a question to my guidance. A flash of a computer screen appeared and it was an email inbox. I could read the message subject heading. It was from a female guide and said, “Subject: Run!” I also remember seeing the word, “Texas”. This woke me and I thought the message was literal but now I am not so sure.

As I woke a song came to mind, one I have heard for a few days now – Faith Hill’s Breathe.

Other Dreams/Messages

I dreamed I was in the middle of a busy highway. There was high traffic (daily life, routine) and the cars were backed up and moving at a snail’s pace. I, however, was on board a train (life’s journey, on the right track) that was on the highway. This train held passengers and was sleek like a bullet and blue in color (monorail train). I sat in a seat looking out the window as the train took me over and past all the slow traffic. I was saving a seat to my left. I remember putting my hand on the seat which was close to the window and then leaning over to look out the window. The seat was tan in color and soft. Out the window I saw a young girl (aspect of me perhaps?) chasing after the train. It felt like she was going to jump on. I was hopeful for her.

In another dream I was being encouraged to put my hair in a braid (needing courage). I spent a while doing just that. I could feel my hair very real in my hands. The feeling I had while braiding my hair was apprehension. I knew it meant I needed to have courage.

Dream:  Orangutans

The dream began with me going to a school (life lessons). They had rearranged all the classrooms and my old principal was there. I was suppose to have put in my resignation but forgot. Turns out he did not hire someone to replace me but put me in another position where I was working with kids who were “special needs”. I agreed to work since the job was still available.

When I went to find my room I wandered through the 3rd grade hallway and eventually made it to the first floor (failure, lack of understanding) where my office was suppose to be but it turned out I was put in with many other teachers in the nursing clinic (healing). I had a section set apart where my students sat but I had no lesson plans (feeling unprepared) or anything for class. Another teacher helped. I noticed I had a student with tourettes syndrome. I recall liking that I had only a handful of students because it meant I could get more involved with them. I hugged one even. It seemed like in this dream I was a nurse and teacher, but it is hard to say. I felt confused as to whether I wanted the job.

Then I was on a trip with the kids. We passed by a section of housing that had been demolished (final end to something) and then by another that was being renovated (new perspective). We drove up into the hills and parked. A man was with me who had been driving. He got out of the car and left it for me to drive, handing me the keys (control). I remember knowing the neighborhood use to be lived in by my ex-BIL and he had said it was haunted (lack of awareness, fear).

The man walked away and soon I saw that he was in the tree with several large orangutans (inner wild side or sexual desires). They took him away, swinging across the treetops. I turned back to the car and saw a pig-animal (stubbornness, greed) in the road, like a half-pig, half-dog or something. It was really weird so I decided to get out of there.

I drove off and headed into a house that was both mine and this man’s. I saw he had cleaned it thoroughly and packed up his things into some bags. Everything was neat and tidy. It felt like he was leaving for good.

I remember standing in front of a mirror. The man was to my left standing in front of the mirror, too. Both of us were looking at our reflection. I remember looking over at him and then back at myself. I saw my complexion was clear but thought there was a stressful situation coming up that would surely mean my face would break out again. I remember accepting it if it did but the feeling of the stressful situation was very memorable.

Dream: Juniper Berry Honey

This dream was odd. I recall that my friend’s brother was there and coming onto me like he use to in high school. I responded in much the same way – curious and liking the attention but not really interested in him. My MIL was there as well but I only remember showing her the Juniper (learn to take the negative with the positive) berries (fulfilling relationship or experience) and the honey that could be extracted from them. The taste of the Juniper honey (compassion, wisdom, peace, longevity, joy) was super sweet and musky. It was good but too much of it would give a person a headache or tummy ache.

I remember seeing the tiny, blue (heaven, wisdom, truth) berries and being told taking them like pills was helpful for the immune system, like to act as a way to get the body use to the high pollen for allergy season. I always thought they were poison so I was fascinated that they could be eaten. I saw someone toss a handful into their mouth and swallow them with water. When I was shown the honey that some had inside I had to taste some.

At one point I was sitting on a sofa with my friend’s brother and he was really sending me messages that he wanted to kiss me. It was a creepy feeling because I was not interested in him yet he was coming on really strong. At one point he leaned in and kissed me and it was slobbery.

When I got up to go I noticed that there were two large urine (rejection of feelings) spots on the carpet. My MIL asked about them and I said the dog must have done it but there was no dog around.

There is a scene that took place in a hotel (shift in identity) room and I remember waking up in a bed in the the hotel and the color blue being everywhere. It felt like I needed to get ready to go somewhere. I was with a group that felt like family but I did not recognize any of them. . All of the people had bright blue skin like the Hindu Goddess Kali. Blue represents truth, wisdom, heaven or can also mean a desire to get away. The Goddess represents death and rebirth.

In-Between (this morning)

When I woke I lingered in the in-between a while. I was discussing what I wanted with my guidance.

In the midst of this conversation I had an immediate memory. My son Elek just got a new toy boat. He played with it continuously for a week. Then he demanded another toy. He got a red firetruck. Not two days later he wants another. I told him no. He continues to throw a fit, wanting another NOW. My guidance showed me this in regards to my experiences indicating that I was like Elek. I got my toys and am still not satisfied. I was asked to consider returning to the “toys” I have been given rather than asking for more. Something they said (can’t recall exact wording) suggested that I was looking for problems/trouble.

There was a moment in the discussion when my mind wandered to my current debt issues. I thought I was saying, “I need to charge the credit card” but what I heard my mind say was, “I need to charge the Madonna” and every time I would say “card” the word “Madonna” was what my mind said. I believe Madonna is symbolic for the Divine Feminine. Perhaps I was saying to myself that I need to recharge or rest?

I continue to feel that I need to be very careful about what I think when it comes to what I want. I need to be very sure of what it is I want because it will come to pass.

This song is also coming up a lot. Specifically the part, “Marry that girl. Marry her anyway.”

I can’t help but think that events are setting the scene for something to happen. Specifically, it feels like next month will be a big month, like I am being prepared for something. There are other things going on as well, all pointing to a shift of some sort. At times it has gotten so intense that it puts me a bit on edge.

 

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Despacito – Slow, Steady Progress

Another night of limited sleep courtesy of my daughter’s stuffy nose and congestion. Well, I say my lack of sleep is connected to her cold, but I can’t be 100% sure that is all it is.

Last night the energy sensations returned almost immediately upon laying down. My crown and third-eye were the most active. I sensed a male energy to my left, my guide, or “partner” as I tend to call him now – the part that says “I am YOU” and continues to facilitate the merging of the masculine and feminine within.

Whenever my partner draws close I am covered in energy that spreads all the way to my fingers and toes. This has always happened, for as long as I have been conscious of him. Recent events, however, have revealed that this energy can be magnified internally and externally. Internally by my own intent. Externally by a catalyst.

Up until this point I have only had two external catalysts for this energy. Most of my experiences have been internal. Both provide lessons unique to the experience. Those that are external tend to amplify the stagnant areas or blockages in ways that my own inner work cannot. If I am not moving forward/progressing on my own then these catalysts get me moving again, spurring me forward by exposing that which is holding me back. Often times I am aware of what is revealed but purposefully or habitually ignoring it. I have learned through this external catalytic experiences that ignoring something will not make it go away but will in fact make it larger until I am forced to confront it.

In both cases the masculine energy becomes personified. Internally this energy feels separate from myself, like a guide who is always there, nudging me along and providing support and unconditional love. I have called him many names – Steven, Companion Traveler, Spiritual Counterpart, and now partner. He changes as as I change; grows as I grow.

Externally the masculine energy comes with a body, a unique personality, a history, an Ego, hopes, dreams, fears, etc….and, of course, karma. Ultimately, the two – external and internal – are the same energy, one is just personified in human form for the purpose of teaching – no reflecting to me – that which I most need to know about myself. Thus, the external masculine has a “catalytic” effect the internal masculine does not have.

At present I am happily connecting to my internal masculine and being shown more about myself and my innate spiritual abilities. Last night I was shown how I can go within and dance with him/me/us. In other words, I am being taught how to reproduce from within an experience that previously has only come about via a catalyst. This, for me was exhilarating despite my exhausted state.

I will try and describe my experience the best I can…

When my partner came near and I felt the energy that is Us spreading through my physical body I was at first sad because I knew it would not intensify as it had recently. I felt sad for this and a bit hopeless and unable to understand the why of it all. My partner asked me to stop looking outward to him (or anyone else) for the connection I was seeking, He then repeated to me, “I am YOU”, and I knew he meant I should turn my focus inward. I have always known this but for some reason this time my perspective was different. The minute I focused inward I seemed to shift into him, into my own masculine, and as such I saw/felt myself, the feminine. In an instant I became both masculine and feminine and the energy – my energy – seemed to flood into my head all at once, pushing against my third eye with such force that I could sense that some other version of myself would take over, forcing my eyes open to “see” in a way I cannot on my own. Like in my previous experience of this, it seemed as if someone else was about to “take over”, but I know this is not the case because last time I allowed it. However, my human mind cannot help but react to what feels like a “invasion” and if I were to over analyze the sensation I would likely freak out completely. Thankfully, I have experienced enough of the “strange and unusual” that these types of human reactions are easily quieted.

The sensation I felt in my third-eye was most similar to my experiences of going OOB. There was a sudden swirling expansiveness and pressure in my third-eye accompanied by what I can only describe as a sound – a rushing, whirling like wind in my ears. Of course, the experience and understanding of what I was doing and how I was doing it was all at once mind-blowing. A part of me thought it impossible. With this doubt everything calmed, and once again I was sensing my partner as separate from me.

Recognizing I was the cause, I was doing it all, it did not take me long to try again. And again. And again. Each time I would get to a point, a crescendo of sorts, where I knew all I needed to do was allow and surrender. When that point arrived I couldn’t do it. It was just too exciting, to mind-blowing (not scary). My mind would not let go. It all reminds me of attempting a conscious astral projection from the body. It took me over a month of consistent trying to finally achieve a conscious exit. I would keep failing because I was just too curious and excited. Even when I did succeed I was so excited that I would end up right back in my physical body.

At least I succeeded at recognizing I could come into Union with myself whenever I wanted and that I have the capacity to expand beyond what I ever thought possible without any external help.

I will continue to work at surrendering to what feels very much like an invasion of my mind. This is the drawback of being fully awake and aware. The human response to the unknown is fear. I can’t help it and I won’t beat myself up over it. The first experience of this sense of invasion did not harm me. It was not scary. I was not “taken over” or “possessed”. I was there, observing and experiencing at the same time. Actually, the experience was truly awesome. I felt BIG, expansive and full of potential. But then I have always been an explorer, keen to jump into the unknown, to expand beyond the limits of this human experience; to Know.

Syncs

Ending this post with more syncs. Yesterday we got tons of rain in central Texas courtesy of Tropical Storm Gordon. On the way home from work my daughter was on the phone from home freaking out because it was raining so hard. We were very close to home but it was sunny. I looked out the window and saw it was pouring over our house in the distance. I took a photo and sent it to my daughter as proof. It was amazing to see.

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Later, we got caught in the storm as well but the blue sky could always been seen in the distance. It was really beautiful. It felt like the heaven’s were literally opening up over the top of me. Like it was saying it’s okay to let it all go.

On the way home in the rain a song came on the radio. My husband turned it up and I almost protested because it was rap. I am not a fan of rap but this one caught my attention because it was about opportunity. Yeah, there’s that word again! lol

Look, if you had, one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

You only get one shot
Do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime…

You can do anything you set your mind to

Here’s the song:

So this song is playing while the heavens are opening up over the top of us. It was actually pretty awesome and put me in a really, really good mood. I felt awesome.

This morning another song presented itself. I noticed it because once again (like rap) it was out of my normal music preference. This time Spanish. lol I asked my husband what despacito meant. He said, “Slowy”. When I saw what the lyrics said I couldn’t help but laugh because this is the message I have been getting from my partner for a very long while – One step at a time. Slow but steady progress. This song makes me just want to dance. Again, “dance” is not a coincidence either.

Regardless of my lack of sleep, these are very exciting times and I am blessed to be alive in a human body experiencing them. Thank you God.

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No Sleep for the Weary

I’ve been unable to fall asleep for two nights straight. 😦 I’ve been so tired, too. The night before last when I would start to doze my entire head would light up with energy and my body would feel odd, as if it was expanding. This would wake me up and then it would start all over again as I would drift off. I didn’t fall asleep until midnight that night. Then last night the same thing happened but I would startle awake as if I needed to do something important. My daughter was also up from a sore throat and congestion so it took me even longer to fall asleep.

Even now, as I sit here typing, my head feels weird and I have energy in my neck, specifically right were the neck and head meet.

I don’t remember any dreams from last night but the night before I had an odd one.

Dream: School Library

The dream started out in a school library (evaluation of some situation) with my mom (aspect of me, likely as a “mom”). Spread out on the floor were thin white (new beginnings) sheets (new phase of development). Kindergartners (unresolved feelings of separation) were having their naps. Each began to wake up and most of them peed their pants (release of negative emotion) and the floor was wet with urine.

There was a whole discussion about starting an Amazon business. I recall giving advice about it and suggesting a less risky way of starting out by buying 9 boomboxes rather than stocking up on a hundred and using Amazon Prime to mail them out. I said it was better to mail them individually from home. The whole time we talked about this I was surveying the library. I believe this conversation was about taking risk and how to mitigate unexpected losses.

Then there were animals where the kids once were. Most were puppies (carefree nature) that had urinated all over. There was discussion about potty training (desire to change some situation) and using a schedule to do so. I remember petting them and that one turned into a large bird (goals, hopes, dreams) that pushed it’s head into my hand like a cat would.

The library morphed into a kind of retreat center for healing. My mom was a self-admitted patient. I could feel her sadness and was trying to comfort her. I discovered she had been there 2.5 years. There was an older man with white hair, very tall, who was suppressing her, making her feel unworthy. He often made her doubt herself and her progress by saying suggestive things like, “Are you sure?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t”.

The man was just in her memory, though, long dead, yet to her he was very much alive still and around her and in her mind inserting doubt and upset. When I learned he was dead I thought about telling her I could talk to him and then decided not to because it may upset her. I could see a large slash (need for understanding) across his forehead (mental implications) parallel to his eyebrows. I assumed this was how he died.

When I suggested it was time for her to leave we were standing on a bridge (important decision, critical juncture in life) looking down at the water. I saw a blue bird dead (loss of hopes, dreams) floating down the stream (flow of emotion).

Vision

After this dream I saw a herd of horses (freedom, strength, power, sexuality) that had just been released. When I looked at them, though, they were all blind (lack of awareness). This vision upset me and I woke up fully. I believe it indicates that I have unleashed a part of myself but am unaware of it or maybe of how to handle this part. The message felt like “So you did it. Now what will you do with it?” It seems I am refusing to see/acknowledge this part of myself. This lack of acknowledgment (purposefully ignoring her maybe?) is likely to lead to unconscious reactions, behaviors, thoughts, urges or patterns. Eek!

Music Message

When I woke I was talking to someone but can’t recall all of the conversation now. As this male energy left a song came into my mind, specifically the part, “Got me feeling drunk and high, so high, so high.” :

Considerations

I believe the dream was showing me a part of myself that is in need of healing. The older man from the dream that was suppressing this part of me may represent an authoritative masculine from this or another life. Whoever or whatever he represents, it is clear that the result if self-doubt and depression. The 2.5 year time frame may be the last 2.5 years of my life, the next 2.5 years or some other time. It is hard to say for sure. My best guess is it is about the last 2.5 years. My overall feeling in the dream, though, was compassion for myself and a desire to help, which is good. The discussion indicated that the path toward healing should be gradual so as to reduce the likelihood of regression.

This morning I am feeling once again overwhelmed by my life. Too much to do, too little time. This isn’t helped by my lack of sleep.

 

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Message: There’s a Ghost Inside Me

I continue to be really tired. Mostly it manifests as me sleeping in every morning and waking up feeling as if I took a sleeping pill – groggy, heavy eyelids, lingering in bed. Once I wake up I am okay. The third-eye and crown chakra activity has subsided and the Kundalini appears to be taking a break.

Dreamwork

The dreamwork continues but most of the dreams I have are lost upon waking now. I am just too tired to care. This morning one dream lingered upon waking along with a song and a sense that the “opportunity” that I had many syncs and dreams indicating was coming, has already come and gone. I missed it, I guess, and a part of me is kicking myself for it.

This morning’s dream goes along with a dream theme that has been recurrent for some time now: Montana. The dream scene varies, sometimes it is beautiful and green and other times covered in ice and snow. Sometimes I am in a large, log cabin or inside a structure of some sort, but most of the time I am out in the mountains or flying over them. Just talking about it brings to mind so many vivid experiences – watching a whale flying through the sky, traveling with a group to a lodge cabin mansion, and meeting up with a man at the top of a mountain while surrounded by hundreds of cats (yeah! lol).

Montana appears to symbolize my own, personal spiritual journey. I connect the mountains with being Home, a place that, to me, has a special feeling of “arrival”, peace, release and acceptance.

Dream: Modge Podge Montana

This entire dream took place inside a very large lodge (feeling stuck in life) in the mountains of Montana (spiritual journey). I did not go outside, so I never actually saw the mountains.

I was with a group of individuals, most unfamiliar to me in this life. I recall being with my current family as well as with my ex-husband’s family, specifically his mother. The dream seemed to mix the two life experiences as if to show me the similarities. I believe I was speaking with someone about what was transpiring in the dream, as if narrating while also being a participant.

I woke up in the dream and went out to the main area of the lodge. A group was gathered, among them my current husband and my ex-MIL. My husband told me he was leaving for the day with his friends, a group of guys who stood behind him. In the dream I was upset and protested very loudly in front of everyone (something my husband hates). My main complaint was that he often left for the entire day without warning, leaving me with all three of our children and no help. I complained that I would have to hire a sitter if I needed to anything outside of the house, either that or take them all with me. I felt overwhelmed and dumped upon by him. I also didn’t know what to do without him with me. Without him, I felt unable to do anything on my own, as if I was frozen in place.

My ex-MIL came to his defense. In real life she was very passive aggressive, which often infuriated me because no one else seemed to notice but me. To everyone else she was loving and wonderful but to me she was intent on separating me and her son.

My husband, whose appearance kept morphing between my ex and current husband, left and I sulked for a bit, all the memories of the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-MIL coming to mind mixed with the issues I have with my current MIL.

As I mulled over it all, emotions surfaced and mixed together leaving me feeling overwhelmed. The main emotion I felt was abandoned. I remember discussing my need to be with my partner, to feel included and supported. When left alone I managed, but the loneliness always got to me and I often grew angry and depressed. When my ex would come back from weeks or months away I struggled with being happy at his return to being resentful for his leaving me. I often felt that it would have been better had he never returned so I would not have to go through the upset of him leaving all over again, and again, and again.

Then there was my ex-MIL and her constant meddling. In the dream this played out as me seeing her spread rumors about me to the others in the lodge. In real life she would call up her son and tell him negative things about me, insert doubt into his mind about our marriage and me, all the while under the guise of being his loving and caring mother. The dream revealed to me just how much hurt this caused me but at the time it infuriated me and likely made me look all the worse in the eyes of my ex-husband. Years later and after our divorce, my ex told me he rarely spoke to his mom because he realized what she was up to. Too late for us but at least she was found out.

In the midst of all this distant past memory was the present, seeming to mix and merge, revealing the many similarities of the two.

At one point in the dream a group of Native Americans approached. There was a little girl (inner child) and a very, very old woman (the crone) with them. The old woman was to be healed via a special ceremony that involved packing her entire pelvic region in clay and letting it harden. I remember being very kind to the old woman, holding her hand and the hand of the little girl and walking across a wooden bridge toward their camp. There was a medicine man with us explaining the old woman’s ailment. I laughed when I realized the clay was to help her have a bowel movement (release of old habits and patterns) and commented on how ingenious it was.

There was a whole other dream scene after this inside an elementary school (lessons). I remember a young boy stepping on my heels and twisting his ankle. I sent him to the nurse but was told he often purposefully hurt himself to get attention and was shown a huge pile of nurse slips from his many attempts. The whole time I had two female teachers accompanying me and seeming to act as guides.

Considerations

When I woke I realized I had slept straight through the night. This is unusual for me. I usually wake 2-3 times. A song was going through my mind, specifically “there’s a ghost inside me”.

My daughter knew the song and listened to it with me this morning. She did not know what a “spectre” was. I told her it meant “ghost” and showed her the definition. In telling her this, I was reminded of a dream I had not long ago where I witnessed a part of me who I could not control. She was at first a white horse and then morphed into a ghost and left with a ghost man. I recognized that the song was referring to “the ghost inside me”, this white woman who seemed outside of my control, wild, and free – like a horse.

Similarly, a couple of nights ago I had a short visual in a dream of me opening a gate and releasing an entire herd of horses and not long before that a dream of one horse being released and running free.

Finally, I was reminded of another dream I had not long ago. It was short and made no sense at the time. I was flying around a city center above a road that circled a fountain. In order to get home I had to take a highway but when I got to it, it was closed. I was told I could only enter if I had someone with me. I agreed and was allowed to pass. This memory in turn reminded me of all the dreams and syncs occurring at the time indicating “opportunity” was coming.

Everything seemed to point out to me that my opportunity came and I turned it down.

As you can imagine I was not in a good mood after all this.

In reflecting on the dream, music message and resulting memories, I am reminded of other recent events. It all points to me being or feeling unable to move; feeling stuck. I recognize it is my own doing. A visual comes to mind of a woman in quicksand refusing a stick held out to her.

It seems that these two tarot spreads are playing out, just not like I thought they would. This one especially:

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Dream: You are HER

This week I have been more tired than usual. Additionally, my third-eye and crown chakras – well my entire head and at times all the way down my neck and into my ears – has been buzzing with energy. Even as I type this my third-eye is buzzing. It is non-stop. I’ve only experienced my third-eye buzzing continuously like this one other time, I think in 2015 (not sure) and at that time it went on for at least a month straight.

Odd Dreams

I have been tired, sleeping deeply and having very vivid dreams. Here are a few snippets of dreams from the week:

I was in Montana (spiritual awareness) at a resort (pun on last resort). It was winter and snowing (frozen progress). Outside were two rectangular, shallow pools or fountains (joy, new relationship), parallel to one another. The water was clear and calm (clarity). I saw two small, tropical fish (insight) in the water, one was orange and the other purple. They seemed to be seeking each other out and I was fascinated by them, especially the orange fish.

I recall preparing oatmeal for one of my kids. I was cooking it and went to make more. I scooped out the last from the container and saw worms in it. They were like mealworms but flat. Oatmeal = sameness, comfort, groundedness. The worms indicate I am ready for new experiences.

In another dream I was being given sheet music to sing. My mom sang with me and I swear it was the song “Shake it Out”. I remember being told something about “three feet above” and seeing a man holding his hand way up over his head.

Dreams – No Legs

I had two dreams involving cutting off of legs. The first was of Trooper (my deceased Australian Shepherd). I only remember now that I was in a restaurant that also looked like my grandmother’s house. Trooper needed surgery on his leg. I told the vet to just remove all of his legs. Then I went about the dream, doing things I can’t remember now. What woke me was that I remembered I had said to remove all the legs and thought, “He will die!” I woke up a bit panicked because of it and then thought it really odd symbolism. Dogs are protection or a “best friend”. Without legs they can’t move. Maybe I am trying to “immobilize” my protection?

Then I had a whole dream about a friend and in the dream who either had no leg or was losing a leg. It is hard to recall now. In this dream, no leg means a failing relationship.

Dream: You are HER

This morning’s dream was in the UK. I was with a young boy and we were guests of the Queen, only she was very young. The boy was asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to meet Harry Potter (magic perhaps?) so the Queen got us tickets to a live show. On our way to the city we were prepped, given gloves (how I handle things) to wear because we were traveling with the Queen. I was given a pair of tanned leather gloves and put them on.

When we arrived in the city I recall it being familiar. Then I was shown a long, hand-written letter from the Queen. I don’t remember what it said now but it was signed, “HER”. When I read it I read “her” but I saw “HRM” and knew it meant, “Her Royal Majesty”. In my mind I saw flashes of Princess Diana and it confused me because I knew she never became Queen.

As I woke, I heard, “You are HER.” My crown and root chakra were buzzing intensely and in unison. My thoughts upon waking were that “Queen” represents the Divine Feminine.

Dream: Stolen Bag

This dream was mostly in the dark (low awareness). I arrived at work, which was Wal-Mart. I was glad it was dark because I was tired. My shift started at 6:30am. I sat at a table and drifted to sleep, aware of people walking past that could not see me. At one point the lights began to turn on ahead of me. I saw a crowd of customers and a cashier with a long line. I got up to report for work. Another cashier was trying to get a new eraser (clearing up mistakes). I suggested she use paper towels (temporary setback).

Then I went back to my table to get my stuff. I had left my bag (life responsibilities) and phone (communication) there. The tables were completely full and I couldn’t find my stuff. I searched but found nothing and hoped someone had grabbed it and put it in a locker for me. I criticized myself for not locking it up and worried someone was going to deplete my account using my debit card.

I went outside and saw a man working on a truck (work), siphoning gas (energy, spirituality) out of it. I backed off as a stream of gas went high into the air.

Then back inside it was dark again and I heard someone singing. I complimented the girl, telling her she sounded like Nora Jones. She was singing, Don’t Know Why. I heard the part, “My heart is drenched in wine” but instead of “wine” I heard “white”. The girl thanked me but as she walked by I realized she was a he.

 

 

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Dream: Baby Roller Coaster

I’ve been really, really tired lately and needing more sleep than usual. I suspect all the Kundalini healing and energy necessitates that I get more sleep than usual. I love to sleep, so I don’t mind.

The Kundalini was quiet last night and I was able to get a nice, restful sleep. Dream recall is spotty, though. I didn’t remember any dreams until this afternoon, on my way to have lunch with my daughter at her school, a song came on the radio that I had never heard before. The lyrics that stood out to me were, “Roller coaster”. It was said over and over again in the song and it triggered a dream memory.

Here’s the song:

Dream: Baby Roller Coaster

In the dream I was with a man walking outside. I remember green grass and a vivid blue sky. Our conversation is lost to me except the part about the construction of a roller coaster. We were planning where to put it and I pointed to an elevated area. We stepped through a kind of portal or doorway and it took us from the green field to a spacious area but I am not sure if it was outside or inside because all I remember of it is the color off white or gray.

As we transitioned into the large, open space the roller coaster seemed to materialized all at once. The beginning of it was at the elevated area I had suggested which was no higher than counter height. I remember explaining that it had to start high up to give the car enough speed to make it to the end. Then I watched as a woman sat inside a tiny seat and strapped herself in with a couple of seat belts. I watched as she road the roller coaster to the end, noting there were not many steep hills or fast curves. I said, “It’s a baby roller coaster”. I was informed that we were working our way up to larger, faster ones. I was excited about that and remember seeing blueprints for future roller coasters we would be constructing.

Then it was my turn. I was put in the car and set upon the track but instead of the starting point, I was placed at the finishing point. I did not wear a seat belt. Someone pushed me a bit and the car rolled slowly up the track but one of the wheels came off the track and I slid off and over onto my butt, falling only a couple of inches to the ground. I remember thinking it odd that they would put me on going the wrong way but I never protested, just sat looking at the roller coaster track thinking I wasn’t going to go anywhere starting at the finish.

Considerations

Overall, I think the dream is positive. A roller coaster is life’s ups and downs. The more hills and drops, the more crazy the life experiences. The roller coaster in this dream was very mild, a “baby roller coaster”. Therefore, the life experiences would be much less dramatic, more calm and smooth, but still fun and exhilarating. The fact that I was planning more roller coasters indicates more experiences are on the horizon, but nothing intense just yet. The blueprints point to a bit bigger ride next go round but still one that qualifies as “baby”. 😉 The part at the end, where I am set at the end of the ride, suggests that I am realizing the ride is officially over.

I believe this dream is a reflection of what I just experienced, specifically from August 12th through August 27th. I just finished a wild, Kundalini ride that was unusual and unexpected in so many ways. The experience was a mixture of physical and spiritual, catalyzed by a physical world connection, ultimately culminating in a massive healing event. It was an exhilarating thrill-ride through Kundalini bliss-land. Yet there was nothing crazy or illogical about it. I was completely calm and collected throughout. The energy dynamics were intense, yes, but there were no major drops or dips, no manic highs….just like the “baby roller coaster” in the dream.

In the end I am left in awe and blown away once again by this amazing ascension journey I find myself on. This experience has me wanting to explore further the deep connections we have with one another, soul connections that exist beyond the limits of time and space. I have witnessed a part of myself that is without fear, that is willing to experience the Divine in all things, that is open and vulnerable while at the same time passionate and fiery, ready to consume and be consumed.

It is clear to me now that my experiences over the last few years have profoundly changed me for the better. I am excited for the next roller coaster ride. I’m ready!

 

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Here’s to Better Days

Lots of crying in my dreams again. Happy birthday to me. Sigh.

SO much more to relay but I don’t have time to go in depth about all that is going on. I posted on FB yesterday:

Once again it feels like I am standing in the middle of the eye of the hurricane while everyone else around me is pummeled with life crap. Sometimes it is harder to be the one watching the shit hit the fan than it is to be the one receiving the shit storm.

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Yet that same morning I woke in a good mood and a song I use to sing at weddings with my mom and grandmother came to mind. This is the song:

The entire first verse popped into my head and I sang it to my husband acting all sappy adding hand motions and all like I was on stage (very unusual for me in the early morning). Afterward the song stayed with me so I posted it on FB with the photo below asking my mom if she remembered singing it. She did and later we chatted about it some. She told me the Psalm it came from was the one she recited every morning when she set her yoga intention and that she felt I was reminded of the song in order to giver her a message. She said, “You’re post was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!”

“This is the day that the Lord hath made and I will rejoice with you.”

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Dream #1

This dream centered at first around fish and turtles. They were in two separate tanks, one large and one only about 5 gallons. I recall seeing baby turtles swimming around in one. I decided to feed them. When I did all these other fish came out. Most of them were small but there were some large ones. When I watched the tank seemed large but then I realized it was on a 5 gallon. I said, “It’s way too small for this many fish!”

Then I went to a school or hospital setting. Inside I was walking around going up and down hallways repeatedly. There was a cat/bunny (it morphed from one to the other) that was mine. I was told that my cat was male and not female and shown it’s strange penis. I only recall a diagram of it now. It looked like a triangle with a longer side that extended like an arm.

There was a lot in between but most is lost to me now.

Then I was going in and out of the small lab storage room. It had a wall of windows on one side and had lots of scientific materials and such inside. I was in and out of it and then finally sat down by one of the windows on a long couch. There were two men with me, one I was very close to. I thought of them as “teachers”. The one I felt close to came and sat next to me while talking. He snuggled up to me and I reached around and pulled him close. It felt wonderful. I knew we loved each other very much but I also remembered that we rarely felt able to express our love because I was married. He and I were coworkers, so both teachers. As I sat next to him I recognized how difficult it was to be in love with him but not be able to be with him. He got up casually and the other man sat down near me, taking his seat. I wanted to sit next to the man I felt connected to – in love with – but couldn’t because of the man who took his seat. My heart began to sink and I felt an intense heaviness within. My last thought was about how we couldn’t be together. I began to cry in heaving sobs.

The dream woke me up and I rubbed my eyes clear of the tears. The man in the dream was very handsome to me even though to others he would have appeared as a normal looking, dark haired man. I KNEW him in the dream and even when I woke I felt our connection. His smile and demeanor was so very familiar, like we were never apart a day yet the reality (which was difficult to bear) was that we were physically apart.

Dream #2

In this dream I was back with the dark haired man and another man was also with me. The other man was my husband in real life. We were traveling to a work site in a work truck. All three of us sat in the bucket seat, me in the middle. The road we were traveling was up in the Smokey mountains and became narrower as we drove. At one point my husband said he thought the directions must be wrong because the destination was not where it should have been. I looked out the window and saw the road was winding and on one side was a pile of red bricks (experience and/or heartbreak has hardened me) looked to have been dumped there.

As we drove the road kept narrowing and both men were discussing how it was really treacherous. I looked out the window and the trees were right there, so close I could touch them. I saw their white trunks in rows. They resembled bars as if I were in a jail cell.

We came to a sudden stop. There was a metal foot bridge so the truck could not pass over. My husband wanted to keep driving to see if the truck would make it. I screamed in fear and my husband snapped at me really loudly for being a “back seat driver” saying, “STOP DOING THAT!” I was embarrassed for having let a scream escape but I was scared he was going to attempt to drive over the bridge. He didn’t, though. He stopped.

After he yelled at me I jumped out of the truck, tears welling up in my eyes from hurt feelings and all kinds of other unrelated emotion. I ran down the road in the opposite direction, back up the mountain road. The dark haired man got out of the truck and ran after me. I was thinking as I ran about how he (the dark haired man) would never do that. I sent a mental thought to the dark haired man saying, “You would never treat me like that. You care about how I feel.” I could feel his concern for me as he ran behind me. All I wanted was to be with him and I was thinking, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”

I woke again in tears and rubbed them from my eyes but they kept seeping out despite my efforts. My heart was aching when I woke. I heard, “I am always with you.” It didn’t help the ache.

Dream #3

This was a short dream. I was with a group and we were all being lined up. It reminded me of PE class in middle school when we would like up for dodge ball. I was told to stand at the end of the line and face the opposite direction than the rest of the people in line. My husband was next to me. When I turned the coach (which sounded like my husband) told me to turn around and said something crude related to balls. I can’t remember what he said but when I followed instructions and turned around I became furious with him, so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Red-hot anger. I turned back to face him, this time to my left where my husband was standing, and said, “I WILL NOT be treated like this!” I could feel his humor in the dream and the anger I felt melted into grief and I began to cry, again sobbing so hard it woke me up. The feeling I had upon waking was how unfair everything was, how unjust to be belittled because I am a woman.

Dream #4

In this dream I was inside a large bathroom. The toilet kept squirting water out of the top, soaking the walls behind it. My husband was inside repairing a section of the wall and I told him about the water squirting out of the toilet. He inspected the wall on the opposite side of the room, the tile and the patch in the wall he had just completed. I told him to look behind the toilet. Instead he kept focusing on the patch in the wall. When I saw it I could see between the wood and noticed it was not a good patch job and would need to be torn out. I suggested we put a huge window, a stained glass window (spiritual healing and enlightenment/guidance), in its place. I got on the phone to order one and someone began to ask me questions that made no sense. I realized I had blanked out in the middle of the conversation and had no memory of what was said. The man on the phone seemed to indicate that I was not suppose to know the information I was asking for. I apologized and hung up. My husband was staring at me after and questioned me. I swore I had no idea why I had been on the phone, saying I was trying to order a stained glass window.

Then there was a hole in the wall where the patch had been. I could see outside to a pool full of kids. It started raining so they all started coming in through the hole. The kids were little, one a toddler girl. They carried towels with them and I helped them dry off.

Eventually there were kids everywhere and I felt overwhelmed and wanted to get out of the now cramped space. It was frantic feeling. Since I could get out I turned on a computer to do something on it and the kids began to ask to get on it. I remember relaying to them how they always wanted what I had, asking them, “Can you let me have something for once without trying to take it from me!?” They didn’t listen, though, and kept demanding what I had. They were all around the computers playing games and I watched continuing to feel overwhelmed.

When I woke from this dream I wasn’t crying but I felt suffocated by the dream experience. I realized it was very much how I feel in my day-to-day life as a mom and wife. Always giving up things for others. Give, give, give. I have to sneak down to the kitchen to grab a snack and hope my kids don’t hear me. If they do, they want whatever I am eating, nothing else will do. If I want to go for a walk alone I have to sneak out, otherwise I will have company whether I like it or not. It is a constant struggle to find time alone, to have something just for myself. Even my husband takes his share of my time, my effort, my body. What is left for me? Not much.

Music

A song was and still is going through my head. The lyrics I hear are – “Here’s to better days”.

This song is also coming to mind, though it has no lyrics. It is just a nice one to meditate to. Enjoy!