Category Archives: Music

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Funk

July 1st here I am. Graduated. Supposedly. I don’t feel graduated. I haven’t had any significant experiences or insight to conclude that anything close to a graduation happened. Perhaps it was only for my “brother” and I am having to take summer school to make up credits? I must have missed the blue bus in that dream the other day and have to wait for the next one. I think I’ve missed every bus that has ever come around. I should probably just hitch a ride or walk to my destination.

Funk

I’ve been in a funk lately or something like it. Spiritually all is quiet. Sleep is super deep and I am still fighting off the cold, or maybe it is now allergies. My sore throat is on and off again and I am still coughing, experiencing runny/dry eyes, congestion and just general malaise. Last night my ears were giving me issues. My left ear was ringing and my right ear was itching really horribly (hate that!). On top of all of the above, my sleep is horrible – constantly interrupted and not restful.

On top of all the weird physical symptoms that I’m having there has been an increase in anxiety related to my gym visits. It’s really putting a kink in my routine. I have been writing about the low blood sugar episodes and panic attacks at the gym for a while. Well, it seems that the anxiety has now extended to anything related to the gym from the trip there, to time at the gym, to the trip home. In fact, just driving through the intersection I go through on the way home from the gym incites anxiety when I’m not even going to the gym! It is so bad that just thinking about going to the gym puts a knot in my stomach. My solution has been to work out at home but yesterday I was determined to go to the gym and fight this stupid anxiety response with immersion therapy. I had my husband drop me off and pick me up to eliminate the drive anxiety. Thankfully, there was no incident at the gym but I was nervous the whole time. It really sucks and I am at a loss as to why it is happening now. I just want to get my gym fix already!

Most mornings I have been waking up feeling disinterest in life and forcing myself to find something to occupy my time so as to not get caught up in the monkey mind. I admit, I have been avoiding meditation and have blocked my guidance from coming through even when in a relaxed state. I just don’t want to know and don’t care to hear what they have to say right now. I feel like what they are going to tell me is something I don’t want to hear – bad news that I just don’t want to confront. They have to resort to messages in my dreams and through music and instant Knowing.

For example, the last two mornings I’ve heard this message, “I cross my heart and I hope to die…” I understood it to mean that what I have been told is true and to not give up hope. This is the song it is from. Again not exactly one of my favorites though I do like Maroon 5:

Last night I had several interesting dreams.

Dream: Four Lives in One

I experienced strange delirious states in this dream. One minute I would be talking to someone and in the midst of that interaction begin to make no sense to that situation because I was fully engaged in another one. I would catch myself and apologize only to end up doing it again. I resembled a crazy person.

All in all I was aware of four different “lives” I was living throughout the dream. Each time I would catch myself in one I would shift back to the preferred one but then get distracted back into another one. This dream was so unsettling it woke me up.

Dream: Evacuation

At one point I was in my mom’s house talking to family. They were going on a tour of the capitol ( personal finances) and would be gone all day. They asked if I wanted to go and I said I wanted to stay home. The entire time I was checking my phone and intending to text my partner. All I wanted to do was meet up with him and I couldn’t wait for my family to leave.

Somehow I ended up going with them when they left. I ended up inside a hotel that resembled a mansion (current relationship is in a rut). Inside I was in the dining room (important decision being made) and watched an old man go and tape off the table his family was to sit at. He also grabbed a huge umbrella (shielding self from emotion), snatching it before an old woman could get it. The feeling was that the mansion was a shelter (looking for security) and space was limited.

Then the place was empty – evacuated (isolating self from emotions). The group that had been there left in a hurry and we were left to deal with a huge group of people (conflict of ideas and interests) who had been locked out of the mansion before the evacuation. They wanted what was inside and were coming over the hill by the hundreds. Looking out at the people coming our way I said, “We should just let them in.”

Dream: The MRS

I heard very loud rock music playing and yelled to my husband to turn it down. I got up and locked my bedroom door. When I did I saw in large letters, “MRS”. I ignored it and went back to bed.

Then my husband was pounding on the locked door. He gained access and I got up and locked it again, using a key code. I changed the code and he would break in. This happened over and over to the point that I eventually gave up.

The scene shifted and we were shopping in a liquor store (lacking enthusiasm in life). I remember seeing an isle of liquor and thinking of the bottles as trees (can’t see forest for the trees). At the checkout I spoke to a man and a woman. The man had set out samples of a honey (be more assertive/communicate) treat and was commenting on how fast people were eating them. I mentioned it was too tempting being it was honey and then casually mentioned my concerns about my health. The woman said they did chest scans (feeling overwhelmed and in danger) but that I was still young enough not to worry about radiation (negativity in life/feeling overwhelmed). I mentioned my age and she reconsidered asking me if I had blood-work (revitalizing life force) recently. I said I had it during my pregnancies. She said I was probably okay because it would have registered on the tests.

Interpretation

This last dream appears to be insight into what it is that I am avoiding in my life. The MRS band message was interesting and the most vivid part of the dream. I had no idea such a band even existed! And they are also from Austin! The band says that they want to help women see themselves as always being “enough”. Considering I have been working through my issues with self-worth, this makes sense.

The locked door and continual break-in’s by my husband is likely a message that I cannot lock out my problems forever. They will continue to “force their way in” until I deal with them.

The final liquor store part seems to be guidance on how to handle my current issues.

Vision

I returned to the funeral of my grandfather. I remembered the whole thing but specifically walking by his open casket and seeing him dead. I then recalled my grandmother’s funeral and seeing her inside an open casket, too. It was an odd vision to have and I was surprised I recalled both funerals so vividly. This vision goes along with similar “death” messages I’ve been getting for some time.

 

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Dream: Operation and Marriage

My sleep has been interrupted for the past few days. Last night I woke up about 6 or 7 times and only got solid sleep in the morning for a few hours. The dreams I had were intense and kept waking me up. I had so many I have lost track of most of them but I do recall a significant one.

Dream: Operation and Marriage

The dream began with me having a discussion with a woman about an upcoming operation (need to cut something out of my life). The woman resembled my OB/GYN and the operation seemed to be one involving my reproductive organs, specifically I was seeing my ovaries (new beginnings). She was advising me to pack and prepare for the flight out. I understood I was to be gone for two days and that it would be my final flight.

Then I had arrived at an apartment (life improvement) near the top floor of a high rise. There was an enormous floor to ceiling window (possibility) that led out to a balcony (being seen) facing East (spiritual enlightenment). Outside I could see the ocean (spiritual empowerment) and the air was crisp (breakthrough) requiring a sweater. Inside the apartment was familiar. It was very modern and clean. I recognized it as my old apartment that I had not been to for many, many years. I questioned how it was still fully furnished and how no one had rented it when no payment had been sent. I got no answer. I just knew the apartment was kept for me when I needed it. It would always be there.

Inside, I went to the closet (hidden aspects) to seek out more clothing because the trip had been extended and I had only packed clothing for two days. I found the closet full of my own clothes (finding Self), which surprised me. The closet was attached to the kitchen and I looked around, noticing there were many silver (feminine aspect, intuition) plates and platters (ideas and concepts). I mentioned they were wedding (transition) presents that I had left there. I remember opening a cabinet and seeing bags of opened dog food (battling fidelity issues in a relationship) and worrying they would attract roaches (uncleanliness) but I saw none. The bags looked freshly opened.

There was an older man with me as well as another couple. The older man and I were close and I was very forward with him about wanting to be with him. Actually, in the dream it felt like he and I were suppose to be doing something together. He kept resisting my advances, communicating with me telepathically that he felt he was too old for me (more wisdom/experience than me perhaps?). I responded with, “Shouldn’t I be the judge of that?” To me he was not old at all and I didn’t care about age anyway.

The man reminded me of Mel Gibson or someone similar. I remember kissing him and him pulling away, a feeling of enormous guilt coming from him. I followed him around the apartment trying to talk some sense into him. I recall singing what seemed like a hymnal at this time and continued to hear it in the background of the dream until it’s end.

Eventually a woman came up and questioned the man, asking him about a past life. I saw in front of me a scene. In it the man was younger and looked different. He had gotten angry and violent and killed his twin which in the vision appeared as an identical version of himself. The woman had asked him a question about it, demanding he make a decision. He put his hands on either side of my waist, stood behind me and said to her, “I’m with her.” The woman smiled. I knew the man had chosen me and the deal was sealed.

Then I was watching a group gathered. The stood on either side of an aisle (balance in life). I remember when they saw me they all knelt (surrender) on one knee and looked at me. I felt this was appropriate because I was to be married (transition, unification). When I looked up, though, there was a woman dressed in a beautiful white wedding gown. I remember thinking, “Oh, she is getting married, too. I’m next, though.”

Song

When I woke up, I was discussing something with my guidance but I can’t recall it now. Sometime during this discussion I became aware of a song going on in the back of my mind. I recognized that it was the same song I had been singing and heard playing in the background of the dream.

The main part I kept hearing is, “More than words… that you love me, cause I’d already know.” I recognized it as a song that came out when I was in high school. Considering I was singing this song to the man in my dreams, I may have been asking him to take action on his love for me. lol

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More on the Ego Child

Got sick yesterday. I thought I would be able to avoid the chest cold (okay why did I just type “cost” instead of “cold”?) my two youngest got last weekend. Guess not. Sore throat and congestion with minor headache – yay. I’ve actually had a headache on and off for four days now. I rarely get headaches. Considering my family is suppose to leave tomorrow for South Padre Island (6hr drive), the timing of my sickness is not ideal. Not that I can’t enjoy the beach with congestion but it makes it less comfortable. Now if my husband were to get sick with this cold, well he would be bedridden and the trip would be cancelled. Ha! Men!

The funk I have been in has all be self-imposed. Obviously. It always is. In the middle of the night I awoke and all of the funk and crap had vanished and I felt at ease with life. This is the “real” me. I know this. In fact, this version of “me” is what came out two days ago and sent me into this most recent “tantrum”. What did she do? Oh nothing but be happy with the way things are. She looked ahead at her (my) future, saw the mundaneness of it and thought pleasant thoughts about it. Actually, I will say she felt optimistic and pleased with the entire probable future of the current timeline we occupy.

Yeah, as you can guess I wasn’t having any of that. Hell no. I don’t want “normal”. I want “exciting”. I want to feel ALIVE. The same ol’, same ol’ doesn’t feel like living to me. So I replaced the happy, go-with-the-flow feeling with resistance. I gotta make things interesting, right?

The key thing here is I noticed both me’s and opted for the tantrum-throwing version. This I blame on the testing energy of June. It is so mental that it is easy to jump into old patterns and resistance is one of my top patterns. I just automatically tend to resist if I feel someone or something is imposing their will on me and my life. I’ve been like that all my life. You say yes, I automatically say no. Argumentative. Stubborn. I’ve gotta be the one with the idea. If you got the idea then you better make it seem like I was a part of it. Yeah, sad. I am aware, though. This, thankfully, is me at my worst. I’m not usually so bad but throw in a headache, cold, and three kids fighting and I break under the strain of it all.

This morning I am more agreeable despite the illness. My probable future is not so bad, it is just not exactly what I had hoped for or imagined. But in these moments we have to be willing to experience anything as resistance to any one thing will only delay things. What you resist, persists, you know?

There is a part of me that fears she will never be happy, she will never be in a fulfilling relationship based on real love or be with her soul family or fulfill her purpose. She feels she is being punished. Why should she sacrifice herself, her wants, needs, and desires, for everyone else? When will it be her time? She gets angry when she’s told to wait and in protest rejects her Knowing that she will get what she wants if she would just be patient. The thought of being old, fat, and unattractive bothers her greatly. She feels her remaining youth and health is being wasted. When I focus on her I feel restless, like a child who was told she gets to go to Disney World in a month but every passing day is agony.

It seems that this part of me has to come out, has to have her say, every once in a while. But being her is a miserable experience for me, albeit a learning one. What is most difficult is that I love her and want her to be happy. I want to give her what she wants when she wants it. I feel I am not a good parent. I’m too permissive. Perhaps I should be a more authoritarian parent? Yet, if you are a parent you know that if you give a child an inch they will take a mile. I’ve already given too many inches. The thing is, most of us in human bodies have already given our Ego child many, many inches. You can’t undo that. A friend of mine is opting to give nothing to the Ego child. Any want or desire of the Ego child is off-limits. But if you do that to a child who already has a taste of what they want, it won’t work. You will have outright rebellion of a serious nature at some point. You don’t want to try and beat them into apathy. It doesn’t play out well in the end for either the parent or the child.

We have to listen to the Ego child. The Ego child has a lot to teach us if we take a moment to listen and communicate with him/her. Communicate is the key word here. It’s a give and take relationship that will have the best results.

I am reminded of when I was a child and got in trouble. I often had no idea why I was being punished. This made me quite angry and vengeful. Not good for my mom. lol As an adult we talked about this. I said to her, “If you would have just taken time to talk to me, to tell me what I did wrong and explain things, I would not have gotten so angry and vengeful. I would have still been mad but I would have understood. That is all I needed. That is all I still need.” My mom’s method was get angry, spank, ground me to my room and demand I tell her what I did wrong. For a child who had no idea what she had done, the constant demand to say what I had done wrong caused me to feel I could do nothing right.

This is just me and my Ego child. Your Ego child may be way easier to manage. lol Maybe your parents did talk to you. Maybe you weren’t spanked all the time. Maybe you were lovingly disciplined. Maybe you were heard. I wasn’t. I was the middle child and the scapegoat. If something went wrong, I was immediately blamed. Not that I wasn’t doing bad things, oh I was, but I often was blamed when I had done nothing wrong. The pre-dominating feeling during my childhood was, “No one loves me” followed by, “No one wants me”.  Those feelings are what has to be confronted and handled now, just by me, not my parents.

Just know that whatever you did as a child, your Ego child will still do. It was life-saving at the time. If you closed off your heart then and it worked then closing off your heart now will be the go-to method of survival. If anger and revenge served their purpose then, it will be the go-to now. If you decided no one loved you then, well it will happen now, too.

It goes the same with what worked to make you happy and cooperative. If you liked love and cuddles as a child (who didn’t?) then that is what you really want now, too. If you enjoyed being praised and congratulated on your accomplishments, then that is what you want now, too. Think about the times you felt loved and cherished. What did your parents or others do to make you feel that way? This is what you give yourself now. This is the key to pacifying to Ego child.

The Ego child is not going away. It will not be subdued by force but through loving acceptance. It will come out and throw its tantrums. Sometimes it will take over. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you need to listen. Let him/her make their list of demands. Help them feel heard. Let them know they will have what they most desire and you will do everything in your power to make it so. But also let them know they will also have to do their part. Cooperation is key.

Music Messages

Now that we have all that covered (lol), I will share two songs that came to me this morning after a series of strange dreams.

Ho Hey, the Lumineers – “I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart”. My Companion always calls me, “Sweetheart.” ❤

Followed by Renegades by the X Ambassadors – “Hey, hey, hey, living like we’re renegades.”

The songs didn’t mean much to me when I woke up hearing them really. Now, though, I am reminded that the real me, the me at the core of this personality in this lifetime, can also be found in the Ego child. The distinguishing characteristics of our core personality can be found in those things we did as a child that brought us joy. Not just the actions or hobbies, but also the underlying creative spark, our inner soul drive, can be found in those happy moments of childhood.

Here are the most obvious ones for me that come to mind:

Adventurer – I was always exploring. If it had a fence, I went over it, even if it was private property and I was not allowed. I would spend the entire day out exploring vacant lots, fields, the 52 acres at my grandparent’s. If there was an abandoned house, I went inside it. If the house wasn’t abandoned and unlocked, I would even go in to explore (I did this very rarely). This, BTW, is also how I am when OOB. LOL

Nature lover – I was always outside, rain permitting and sometimes even dancing or swimming in the rain. My favorite things to do? Fish, swim, hunt for crawdads in the mud, climb trees, find lost or stray animals and bring them home (lol), ride my bike, explore (see above). This later extended to hunting and camping but I learned I didn’t like hunting.

Fearless – goes with the two above. I didn’t care if I was caught or got hurt. Many times I should have been hurt, but wasn’t. This also applied to speaking my mind.

Artistic/Creative – I loved to draw and make up stories. If I wasn’t outside I had out paper and pencil and drew horses and unicorns, imagining entire stories in my mind as I drew. I also use to sing and dance around the house or outside, making up song and just feeling carefree.

Curious/Inquisitive – I loved to learn and try new things. I got bored easily so having many things going on at once kept me busy and interested. I was always asking “Why?” lol I wanted to know how things worked and would often watch my dad work on the engines of his cars and ask him questions, even help him.

Social/Bold – I always had a band of friends and I was the leader. If they questioned my leadership I was bossy and mean until they stopped questioning it or went away. I didn’t care if they liked me really, I just liked being in charge. Other kids just flocked to me without me having to do anything. This sometimes irritated me, though, as I also had a loner aspect, a wild independence that did not like to be slowed down by others. Most of my friends were boys. I use to make the girls cry (sigh lol).

Loving – I was generous with my love but if I felt my love was rejected I shut down to that person. Very possessive of those I loved. I wanted to be the only child so that I was the only one my mom loved. Early on I gave my love openly and without restraint but wanted to be loved the same in return. This was rare, though.

Intuitive – I had vivid dreams early on and could sense the feelings and true nature of other people keenly. I could foresee the future even then but it often made me fearful. Spoke with an imaginary friend until I was 3 and recall conversations with my guidance at an early age.

The key is taking these core attributes that were present when we were children and bringing them back into balance with who we have become as adults. We have to stop suppressing them and allow them to shine through.

 

 

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Dream: Chosen

Prior to bed, a song from long ago popped into my mind. I only heard these two lines, “I wonder where you are and I wonder what you do……I love you.” It wouldn’t go away and I thought it strange that it would just pop into my head.

Early in the night I had a very in-depth dream I wish to recount. It woke me up abruptly at 3:30am and I was not able to return to sleep because of it.

Dream: Chosen

The first thing I remember is being “called” by a man who resembled Mel Gibson. The energy from him was magnetic and attractive but at the same time I recognized that I feared him somewhat. Fear may not be the right word, though. Perhaps a better word would be revered?

He took me from where I had been in dreamtime (which I can’t recall) to where he was, standing next to a large, two storied white house reminiscent of the 1920’s or maybe older. It was old looking with peeling paint but was in good condition overall. The man was standing on the road in front of it. I knew he wanted me to go on a journey with him to a city. In my mind I thought of a small town nearby where I grew up. When I recognized where he wanted me to go, I became a little nervous.

He spoke to me, saying I was chosen by him because of who I was. I was unique somehow and the feeling was that he was asking me to do something very important for humanity. He told me that I was to be with him. His exact wording is lost to me now but the feeling was that we were to be married, as in joined together as one but literally rather than symbolically. He told me he knew about all my flaws and the drawbacks of my personality when I mentioned my unworthiness. He said, “I accept them all, as I accept all of you.” Still, I felt unworthy and kept my distance from him. The energy from him was familiar and beautiful, but I felt undeserving.

He took me across the road to a tunnel I could see right through. On the other side was a man with a shovel. He was digging in red dirt. The man I was with told me that before we could be One I needed to assist the man who was digging. I did not question this. For some reason I knew that helping this man was also helping myself.

Then the man who looked like Mel Gibson said to me, “Are you ready to do this?” When he asked me this I saw a toilet bowl and knew he was referring to more purging. I told him, “Yes.” There was a complete Knowing that this purging was regarding my feelings of unworthiness.

I know we talked in-depth about what it was I needed to do. Part of the purging has to do with my relationship with my mother and healing the “mother wound“.  To effectively purge all the emotion and pain connected to the mother wound I need to be triggered. In other words, a catalyst is needed. I also understood that the pain associated with this wound is part of a core wound that needs to be resolved. If I do not do this, then the “marriage” into Oneness cannot happen.

When I woke up I could still feel the connection I had with the man in my dream. I also had the song from before in my head. I knew what I needed to do and the urge to do it was so powerful that it inhibited sleep. Even though I knew I would go OOB and was being encouraged to calm my mind, I just couldn’t.

The song on my mind was this one:

Upon waking I also knew that the reason the man in my dream looked so much like Mel Gibson was because he was asking me to be brave – as in Braveheart. Even though the nervous feeling in my dream was not very strong, I recognize the dream as a warning. I have agreed to continued purging in order to remove the last vestiges of the False Self. This next stage is going to be rough.

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It is Well

I hope everyone enjoyed the weekend celebrating their mothers in their own way. We ended up at my mom’s house for the afternoon and then at my mother-in-law’s in the evening. It was nice to hang out with family and be in nature. The sun was out, there was a nice breeze and the energy was calm and friendly.

Though it was a good day overall, I woke in tears Mother’s Day morning and by the evening the melancholy returned. This morning there was more upset. More purging. More whatever it is. Rather than focus on it by talking about it here I choose to focus on the message that came to me when I asked for help. Perhaps it will help those of you who are in this purging mode alongside me. Remember, it all has a purpose. It will pass. It is well.

 

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

(Skipped in the version above)
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Song by Horatio Spafford.

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Lucid Dream: Dry Lake to Control Freak

Slept 11 hours last night. I’m really enjoying sleeping this much. It is a rarity. Unfortunately, I awoke to my daughter freaking out because her younger brother had broken a glass all over the kitchen floor. She had a sleepover last night so I had two drama queens to contend with. lol Thankfully her friend seems not to be a morning person and was pretty quiet.

Dream: Dry Lake to Control Freak

Woke at 5:30am and asked to project. Fell back to sleep and entered into a semi-lucid dream. I was traveling with a man across the tallest bridge I have ever seen over a massive lake. The bridge was golden in color and had what seemed like levels that rose high up into the sky. There were people in these levels, too, all waiting for something. Men, women, children of all races. They wore nondescript clothing that appeared identical to me. All of them had looks of anticipation on their faces, as if they were hoping something or someone had come for them. To help? To bring them something? I don’t know.

I closed my eyes, scared of being up so high. I took a peek out several times. Every time I did I would look down and see the lake below me and this very narrow, golden footpath my partner was using but I never saw his feet. It was like we were floating. I knew then my partner was carrying me.

We arrived at a lake and I lost track of my partner. I swam across it with a group of people. On the opposite shore we turned back to go to a spot out in the lake to see a penguin. I recall wearing goggles. From there we watched something on a large screen, me wearing my goggles. I took them off momentarily to adjust them and felt someone grab my leg. I was pulled under and I could not make it back up for air. I was held under far longer than I should have survived and knew I was dreaming. Full-on lucidity resulted.

I came up out of the water and saw my friends were all gone. There was a giant killer whale float we had been using and it was in the distance. I swan toward it only to find the water disappearing. I saw thousands of people and floats coming toward me walking in the waist deep water. I asked someone if they had seen my partner. No one had.

By the then the water was completely gone. I saw a pick-up and began to push it toward the shore. It’s headlights were on. The sun was peeking over the tops of the trees and I could see a hedge of bushes in front of me. I stopped the truck there and looked at a short wall. There was a subdivision of houses on the other side. I wanted to explore it.  I thought, “Should I take control of the dream?” I decided, “No, I think I will see where this takes me. I am curious.”

I jumped the wall and went up to a street sign. It was still very dark but I saw the street was S. 48th St. I knew it was far from my home. I walked along the streets for a while when a small mobile home caught my eye. It was well taken care of and I decided to explore it. I walked up the ramp leading the the front door. There was a very large grandfather clock taking up half the walkway. I bumped into it and it almost fell.

The door was open. I went inside and saw a small child laying on the sofa. She woke up crying and I picked her up. She looked Indian and was very small. She said her head hurt. I saw an Indian woman in the other room watching TV and went toward her. She panicked at first but then was concerned for the child, too. She said to me, “I knew someone would come looking for her mother.” The woman took us to a bed around the corner. The woman was there asleep. The child crawled up to her mom.

Then the woman told me their story. How the mom got sick and could not function. She had terrible, incapacitating headaches. Now her daughter was getting them, too. I went up to the woman who was conscious. I told her something like, “You have to learn to let go. You can’t control everything. You are killing yourself by trying.” I then told her three things she should stop trying to control but I can’t recall them now. I realized as I was telling her these things that my problem was also trying to control everything. I knew the dream had fulfilled its purpose then and I felt myself return to my body.

Interpretation

I am transitioning (bridge). There are others relying on me (people on bridge) and the message is it is important that I cross through this stage.

I feel restricted (lake) and am exploring my emotional state (swimming). I am trying to protect myself from emotional harm (goggles) and need to confront something in my waking life that I know is hurting me. I am told the situation is not as serious as I think and to relax (penguin). My emotions will subside (receding water) and guidance will be given (killer whale). Then I can pick-up where I left off (truck). I am seeking illumination (headlights). I go in search of solutions to what is holding me back (hedge and barrier). I find a situation that is temporary (mobile home) and am shown to not let my emotions get the better of me (headache). I give myself advice about control and am told to let go of certain issues, to trust all is working out as intended.

I find it interesting that I do not take over the dream but allow it to show me what I need to see. This is not common for me. While I am allowing the dream to show me things I am also observing it and learning from it to the point that I recognize it’s lesson and end the dream when the message is received.

When I woke up the song Complicated was going through my mind – “Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?”. lol Yet I feel a part of this message is not meant for me but for someone I know in my life – “I see the way you’re acting like you’re somebody else gets me frustrated.” They spend the majority of their life acting like they are somebody else, but I know them, have seen their true self and it is frustrating to me that they continue to act like someone they aren’t to fit in. The message to both of us is to stop complicating life, to stop putting conditions on life (conditional thinking, putting conditions on people and situations), and to be true to ourselves. There is no need to pretend we are someone else. Honesty is needed.

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4 OBEs, Same Theme

Slept nearly 12 hours last night! Whoa, right!? The K-Index was in and out of the yellow, too. Sometimes I sleep more with geomagnetic storms, sometimes not. Regardless, I had some dreams and a series of OBEs early this morning.

Dream: Bouncing Bullet

Dreamed of this small, bullet-sized ball that when thrown would ricochet off of everything. If it happened to hit someone, it would act like a bullet, piercing their skin and potentially killing them. Knowing this, I picked up a ball and threw it as hard as I could into the wall. It began to bounce off of everything with such speed I couldn’t track it. Someone warned me that I could die. As if to demonstrate my lack of fear, I put my hand to make sure the ball hit me and said, “I don’t care if I die.”

Interpretation

I have repressed anger (bullets) that could result in hurting someone or me. It don’t care and purposefully throw it and put myself in harm’s way. This indicates that I am reckless with my anger to the point that I am willing to accept the consequences of it no matter the end result.

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Dream: Burning Lettuce and Asparagus

In this dream I was inside a women’s prison unit. I’m not sure why I was there but I took an interest in them and began to try and get to know the inmates. One inmate asked me point blank, “Why are you being so friendly?” I said to her, “I want to get to know you better.” The feeling from her was one of distrust and animosity which was understandable. She had committed crimes, some pretty bad ones (murder), and was being punished for them. I recall feeling immense compassion for her and wanting to hug her but I didn’t because her energy was not receptive.

Then I was outside with the female inmates. They were cooking food on open grills and enjoying their temporary freedom. I looked at the grills and instead of seeing the grill with coals underneath I saw a tiny garden. In the garden there were new sprouts and they were being cooked by a fire. Half the sprouts were lettuce and half were asparagus. I was horrified that they were cooking the garden and said, “You will kill all the plants!” I saw some of the sprouts were being spared. The others had small fired burning at their base and had a roasted look. One large asparagus shoot was not on fire. I said, “I don’t like asparagus anyway.”

Interpretation

The first part of this dream is me attempting to get to know other aspects of myself, aspects that maybe I am not proud of or who have done “bad” things. My Shadow self. The second half seems to be a consideration that my hard work (garden), abundance (lettuce) and prosperity (asparagus) are being destroyed (fire) before they ever completely materialize (sprouts). I try to make less of the situation by saying I disliked prosperity (asparagus).

4 OBEs

I woke up in between the dreams from a Kundalini dream. The Kundalini had been raging in my heart chakra and I said to someone, “I can’t resist it!” When I woke up I heard, “Then embrace it.”

Then I said to my guidance, “I want to project.” Not long after I entered into the in-between and began to hear noises-off, specifically a radio playing very loudly next to my head. I experienced almost no vibrations and found it difficult to tell if I had phased (gone OOB) or not. This occurred with all 4 OBEs.

In all of the OBEs I was in my bedroom, sat up OOB, tried to exit my bedroom and then re-entered my body. Re-entry happened at the exact moment of exiting the bedroom. It appears I was being told not to leave the vicinity of my sleeping body, but I’m not sure why. Two times I tried exiting through my bedroom door. The first time I re-entered as I was opening it. The second time I had actually opened the door but had a blanket wrapped around my foot keeping me from moving. In one another attempt to exit, I tried to leave via the window but the window was closed. I opened it, removed the screen and then began to jump/fly out the window. I never passed through the threshold. Finally, I tried to get to the window again and shifted back into my body before I could even touch the window.

In 3 of the OBEs my vision was on but the room was almost pitch black. The last OBE (the one where I opened the window) my vision came on and I saw the early morning light coming in the window. I began to sing to raise my vibration but I didn’t need to. My energy level was solid. There were thoughts in this OBE that movement was taking too long. I should be able to think myself to any location I desired. I felt to be slowed down. This all became apparent as I was opening the window. I knew I should have been able to just move through it but I was forced to use it like I would in physicality.

I had similar thoughts about movement in the other OBEs but I was blocked in the same way. I had to open the door. I couldn’t just go through it. Was it belief that trapped me in my bedroom? Was it to help me see how I feel trapped in life for similar reasons? Or was it to remind me that in physical reality we can’t just jump past the hard, boring or otherwise unwanted steps, we have to move through it all?

When I awoke the song, Stay With Me, came into my mind. I recognized a feeling from the early dreams of the night. The feeling told me that there was still some work to do at deeper levels. I need to handle my resistance to life. I heard something about being a part of the collective, reminding me that I am not here for just myself. It was not an accusation of being “selfish” by any means but a reminder that there are still remnants of the Ego, or small self, that are interfering and must be handled. I saw a visual of cobwebs sticking to me. They are extremely sticky. You can pull them off only to have them stick to your hands or some other body part. I guess that’s how these last remnants of the self are, too. They just adhere to another part and are difficult to get rid of.

 

 

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Dream: Cruise Affair

Another early morning for me after a dream-filled night.

Dream: Dirty Pool 

Short dream of being at my mom’s and seeing an above-ground pool with water the color of green sludge in it. There was a discussion about a pool maintenance man who was to clean it, I saw him complete in scuba gear (it was a nasty pool). The pool guy had come to work drunk and was not doing his job, drunkenly falling off the side of the pool and laughing so hard he was crying. The man who I was talking with said, “You really need to do something about this situation.”

Dream: Cruise Affair

I was on a cruise by myself. While there I met a woman who I quickly became friends with. We ended up being intimate, something that surprised me even in the dream. I also recall the attraction to her caught me off guard. Our connection was intensely fiery and passionate. Thankfully, I do not remember any of the specifics of this love affair past kissing and some minor energetic impressions (whew!). I recall it was as powerful as any of the Kundalini dreams I’ve had in the past.

While we were walking to her room one evening we were being followed by a shady character who resembled a detective. He continued to follow us the entire trip and eventually I sought answers. I ended up in his cabin with another man and somehow got an AK-47 and fired so many shots at him that all that was left was a blood stain on the wall. I recall knowing the detective had been sent by my husband to spy on me. I laughed because my husband had told me he wouldn’t be concerned if I had an affair with a woman yet he obviously was.

Then I was back with my friend in her cabin. I suddenly knew I had to go and told her so. She didn’t want me to but let me and helped me to get my things ready. I recall going outside and putting my things in a yellow school bus. We talked the whole time and I was telling her that I was leaving one day early to try to avoid traffic and crowded planes. I recalled my entire journey to the cruise and back via plane while talking to her.

I also couldn’t remember the woman’s name and felt awful. I had a week-long affair with her and couldn’t recall her name!? I asked her, “What is your last name?” She said, “Haymen” and laughed saying, “I know, it’s kinda gross. It sounds a lot like hymen.” I laughed with her about it and told her about a coworker who had the last name Harman. Then I saw my friend’s first name in my mind. Lisa.

There was a container of orange juice sitting out that I grabbed and drank. She said, “I’m not sure that is any good. It sat out all night.” I said, “It tasted fine to me.” Then I began to change my mind about leaving. I said, “Maybe I shouldn’t go yet. I like it here.”

I guess I ended up leaving, though, because the next thing I know I am on the school bus waiting for it to leave. What is odd is that in the center of the buss was a long table and I was sitting at it along with others. Across from me was a black man who looked to be from Jamaica. He began to play the table like a hand drum. I played with him and so did everyone else. The sound was similar to a song I know.

The bus began to move. We passed by a group of school children all wearing red shirts. They were on a field trip. The black man stopped and sold them some balloons.They took them and blew them up or filled them with water. We watched as they took great joy in such a simple thing. I remember wishing I had joy like that.

In-Between

The dream was so vivid that I could not return to sleep after waking but lingered in the in-between. While there I had many visions and a long discussion with a guide. My guidance was saying to me, “You have to help us help you.” I responded that I didn’t want to do anything right now. I am too tired, too sad, to move on. This is why I wanted to return to the cruise ship in the dream. I want to stay where I’m at, in healing mode.

There was an instance where I saw one left shoe. The right shoe was completely missing. When I saw this I thought, “I guess I will be walking around with only one shoe.” But I understand that it shows I feel a part of me is missing.

I was able to also contact anger during this time. It is anger at feeling mistreated and controlled by men, an anger aimed at the male gender in general. I remember thinking, “If the male is not a child or elderly I don’t want anything to do with them!” There came with this an intention to never let a man manipulate or control me again.

Interpretation

The first dream indicates there is an issue that is especially repugnant to me (dirty pool). This issue is muddled with emotion and I am attempting to deal with that emotion but not doing very well. The way I am going about it is not productive – I am trying to avoid it rather than diving right in (drunk pool man). Yet I have all the tools I need to resolve it (diving gear).I really find humor in this dream.

I was surprised by the second dream because of my affair with a woman. Yet it shouldn’t surprise me since yesterday I was thinking that maybe having relationships with men was not good for me and considered that maybe I needed to be in a relationship with a woman instead. lol

The boat theme continues (its going on months now) with the cruise ship. Being on a boat is representative of exploration of emotion. A cruise ship is representative of a pleasant mood/emotion. The affair with the woman indicates I am seeking a relationship with myself but I feel watched by a “spy” sent by my husband. This is representative of how I feel in waking life, as if my every move is watched and judged by my husband. I end up killing the spy very violently which shows my emotional response – I am standing up for myself and not taking it anymore. The reference to “hymen” is likely a reference to virginity or purity, though I am not sure. Orange juice is energy/vitality. The school bus indicates I am about to take an important life journey. The drumming is representative of one’s strong will and determination (which I have plenty of). To hear drumming indicates a need to make steady progress and keep up the pace. The balloons in the end represent hopes and disappointments in my search for love. The children blowing up the balloons symbolizes hopes and aspirations. My reaction to them indicates I long for a return to a childlike love of life.

Songs

The song that was being drummed was It’s Time by Imagine Dragons, a song I have heard ever since 2011 when I was struggling with a negative work situation. The drumming sounded just like the very beginning of the song. 🙂 The lyrics are appropriate as well.

Another song came to mind after this one, a song that keeps coming up but I have not mentioned because I keep forgetting. It is Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette. Specifically the part, “Everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine.” 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dreams, Themes and Ship”Wrecked”

I’ve not been sleeping well the last few nights and dealing with all kinds of emotion for release. It’s been difficult with the sleep deprivation, a lingering head cold, and single parent status (husband is out of town) to remain centered through it all. I was finally able to get some decent sleep last night after taking a Benadryl along with herbal sleep supplements but I woke in a sour, resistant mood.

There has been a pretty much on-going geomagnetic storm since March 1st. This is after a short reprieve from a similar pattern. We’re being pummeled by the sun and in-between by gamma rays. I never know how I am going to react to these cycles. Sometimes I am feel great and other times exhausted, like a sloth-woman, or emotionally sensitive like now. I’ve actually gone through all of the above in a short period of time with the most common response being tired and sluggish, like all my energy has been sucked out of me.

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Dream Themes

I am at least recalling some dreams but have not really had time or the motivation to write them down. There is a theme that I spotted recently that should be noted. This theme is that someone in my life is deceiving me. It has shown up via various symbols, the two most recent being a lamprey and a raccoon. The lamprey dream I documented already. The raccoon dream was two nights ago. In the dream I was on a boat (another repeating symbol) and trying to get away from evil, aquatic raccoons (lol). Only one out of ten was remaining and he was hiding in the boat somewhere. I was warned that he would hurt me, even kill me, if allowed close enough.

The boat theme continues to come up. This symbol indicates that I am ready to deal with and cope with my emotions. Thankfully the boats I am on are always in good condition as is the water.

Dream: Snakes

Short dream last night where I was visiting my sister at her new place in the country. She was located in another state. It was one of the more southern states but which one, I don’t know. I remember thinking Kentucky but knowing that was wrong. The weather was cooler than Texas, much more temperate. She was growing raspberries and had just harvested some. I remember tasting them.

In the dream I spoke of being offered a job in another state, but I could not for the life of me remember which state. My sister told me I could buy and RV and live on the 40 acres that came with her rental house. I went looking at the land and it was spectacular. Definitely much greener than Texas. I pointed out a spot in the trees saying I could live there. My sister said, “That’s the river.” I looked and saw it was indeed a small, crystal clear river. It had blended in somehow. Then I saw tons of small snakes in the water and on the banks. They were all colors and sizes and so many that they were squirmy and crawling over each other to get away. I saw their markings were like those of the rattle snake. I was not afraid of them, though, but fascinated.

Interpretation

I believe this dream was mostly a discussion of my life, considerations and current issues. These issues are of a delicate nature (raspberries) and I am being reminded to take my time and be kind to myself. The RV is movement, the water is emotion and the snakes are the Kundalini and/or transformation.

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Dream: 18

This dream is somewhat blurry now but the part I recall most vividly is being in my old bedroom at my mom’s house laying in bed talking with a classmate. He had just turned 18 and was romantically interested in me. My perception of him was as Hispanic but he resembled the same man I often see in my dreams. He was very eager to stay in communication with me, repeating that he was 18 and old enough now and asking me for my email address. I wouldn’t give it to him, telling him he already knew it. He wanted to meet me every morning before class from 7:30-8:30am. He said he would pick me up in his car. I asked what we would do and he said, “I don’t know. Talk.” I saw his intentions in my mind and told him, “Don’t you know I’m 40 years old and have three kids?” He didn’t seem to care. In my mind I went over the pros and cons of exploring a relationship with him. I was extremely drawn to him but kept seeing my children and my responsibilities as blocking any possibility of us being together.

Interpretation

More considerations coming out, these having to do with communication and rejection of a part of myself. When I woke up I was angry.

jeepDream: Black Jeep

I was attending a ceremony at a temple with my friend, her husband and a group of their friends. The man performing the ceremony was older with gray hair, a beard and a large belly. He took us through fields and into a mountain temple where he began to sing/chant in another language a very powerful invocation. His voice was operatic and he was reading/singing the runes off a stone pillar in the center of this temple.

The entire time I felt out of place. My friend and her friends were all connected and had similar beliefs and lifestyles. They all ate vegetarian and wore handmade clothing made of hand woven cloth. On their feet they wore sandals and some were barefoot.

I went with the group to a house where we would all be staying. As the food was being prepared I went into my bedroom. I found a bible laying on the table. It was my friend’s. I opened it and a piece of paper fell out. On it was marked scripture and my friend’s thoughts. One was in Corinthians and the note was that this was what she believed Oneness was. There were other slips of paper but I can’t remember what they said.

When I went back to the group they had all eaten already and offered me food. I told them I did not like veggies for breakfast and got disapproving looks. They had boiled or poached eggs and I took three. I was offered some coffee but told it had in it an antibiotic. I thought it odd and asked which one and was told Zyvox. I argued with them saying it was an anti-viral. I decided not to drink the coffee. lol

Then my friend and her family were leaving. I watched them walk away and noticed they had left their Jeep. They had left the keys in the ignition. I tried to lock it and found it was still running, so I took the keys out and tried to lock it. The Jeep began to drive very fast by itself. What was odd is that from inside the windows were all black and I couldn’t see. I began to panic and pulled the emergency brake. That stopped it. I re-inserted the keys and pushed in. This turned off the Jeep and allowed me to lock it.

Interpretation

It felt like I was trying to come to terms with conflicting lifestyles with this dream. When I woke I felt jealous of my friend for having a spouse that had similar spiritual beliefs to her own. There was consideration that I must change myself and life more than I am willing to. There was a feeling when I woke up that I didn’t want to ever be “pregnant” again and a total resistance to the transformation I am going through. I saw it as too painful and told my guidance, “I never want to experience a connection to anyone like that again.” The Jeep represents taking action – doing. I feel unable to control it and see it as “bad” (black) or the unknown. The emergency brake is me indicating I want it to stop, I don’t want to go forward. There was also a feeling that it may be time for me to go along with my husband’s spiritual beliefs again but it brought a feeling of uneasiness. It makes me feel stuck.

This caused me to remember I had an entire dream sequence where I was purposefully closing doors and trapping myself in a tiny room. My friends would open doors, smiling and encouraging me, and I would angrily grab the knob and slam it in their faces. I did this over and over until the doors stopped opening. I stood inside the tiny, claustrophobic room and slumped over the sink.

When I woke up a part of a song was repeating in my mind – “Did I build this ship to wreck?” Goes perfect with the boat theme.

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Dreams: Miscarriage and Burning Desert

The strange dreams continue. But first, I was awakened by a song. What I heard was, “How can we live when our world stops turning?” The melody was familiar. I immediately looked up the song but the lyrics do not match the ones I heard. The lyrics from the song are “How can we dance when our earth is turning”. Makes me go hmmmm.

When I awoke with this song in my head I was angry about a certain situation and how it turned out. In recalling my dreams, I can see this situation was discussed in-depth throughout the night.

Dream: Miscarriage

I went to work at a job I was not overly enthused about. It was an office job of some kind. My boss informed me that I was pregnant. 14 weeks. She showed me the pregnancy test to confirm. In the dream it was a giant pregnancy test, taller than me! I was in shock. How could I be 14 weeks pregnant and not know it? I immediately touched my belly and I swear I felt movement. My mind went over and over the repercussions of this news. Strangely, I was not upset or excited. However, my boss was adamant that I buy insurance because I would need it. I told her that I could not afford it and didn’t see the point. I got really upset at her for trying to force it on me.

Not even halfway through the day I knew something was wrong. Sure enough, I began to miscarry. Then I was going over the loss of a potential life and sad for not having developed any attachment to my baby. I had even known it would be a boy and had accepted the fact that I would have four children, which was a bit overwhelming to me. I again saw the giant pregnancy test but it had not been used. I focused on the positive/negative symbols.

Interpretation

Based on this dream I suspect that I am reviewing some aspect of my life/life situation that has turned out differently than I anticipated. It was received as a potential rebirth, or new life path (pregnancy) but then this never manifested (miscarriage). 14 weeks indicates the time of conception (when the pregnancy occurred). There was no insurance (trust) because I was resistant to it and felt “forced” into the situation. I thought about the loss of this potential path (pregnancy) and how I never developed an attachment to the baby (potential new life). The giant pregnancy test indicates I feel that this life situation is really “testing” me. The final unused pregnancy test indicates that this “test” is not over and asks the question, “Are you ready?”.

Dream: Burning Desert

I was in a desert with a black man. It felt like Africa but I have no idea where it was or if it was an actual place on Earth. We were standing next to a crystal clear lake. It reminded me of a glacial lake in its coloring. The man held in his hand a giant, red crab. It was huge, about the size of a small dog. The crab was dead and the man was taking large amounts of flesh out of it’s claw and eating it. The flesh was cooked and resembled dark meat cooked turkey. As he ate the crab meat another man was explaining that this crab was unique. Without it the people of this place would starve. Then he directed me to the lake. There was a crane-like, white bird that stood nearly as tall as me. He told me to look in the water. I saw thin, silvery fish about a foot long each. The fish, he said, would attack and eat the crane if he got too deep into the water, eating the crane’s under belly. In my mind I was thinking, “crotch eating fish.” lol He said the fish were the main food of the crab.

I went to a rocky outcropping and peered into the water at the fish. They were easy to see in the clear water. Far beneath them and just out of sight was the outline of a much bigger fish. I backed away thinking, “I better not fall in. If the little fish will eat my crotch no telling what that bigger one will do.” LOL

The man and I walked away from the lake and into the desert. It was very quiet, no wind and quite cool. There were small rocks dotting the landscape and the earth, a very light sand color, seemed very hard packed. He pointed in the distance. I could see the charred remains of some scraggly looking, short trees. He said that a huge fire came through and destroyed the forest leaving nothing but what we were looking at. It was quite desolate but the feeling was that when the rains came it would begin to rejuvenate.

I followed the man and some others to a building. It resembled a hotel but seemed to be a place where college students stayed. I was to stay with a group there. I remember laying down in a bed and being informed of how long I would stay, though now I don’t recall what I was told. I remember everyone was dark skinned and it seemed very foreign to me.

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Interpretation

I see this dream as further reflection of my thoughts and feelings prior to bed. The black man was a guide or aspect of me. I am feeling lonely and isolated (desert). I am questioning my tenacity and perseverance (the crab). Can I endure this period in my life and the challenges it presents? The crystal clear lake in the midst of the desert indicates that I am seeking peace and inner solace. The fish are ideas and insights from my subconscious. The white crane symbolizes motherly love and happiness. The ideas and insight (fish) eat the underbelly of the crane (motherly love and happiness) if the crane descends too far into the lake (inner solace). The fish (ideas) fuel my perseverance (crab).

When I look for inner peace and solace (the lake) I see something scary deep in my subconscious (big fish) and worry it will further eat away at me. I fear something related to life security and feelings of safety (crotch = root chakra) and do not want to risk something bigger being stirred up.

There has been a recent transformation (fire) that has left me with only the charred remains of what I once was. New growth will come with the rain (forgiveness, grace, purification). I am in the midst of learning something new (college), so new I feel out of place and tired from the enormity of the situation I put myself in (foreign place and laying in bed).

The complexity of the dream symbols scream inner conflict. The very things I desire and am being led to explore (inner peace and solace; ideas and insight from my subconscious) are eating at the underbelly of that which I cling to (being a mother and finding happiness in that aspect of my life).

No wonder I woke hearing, “How can we live when our world stops turning?”