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Past Lives Part II Continued

460AD

I am a man. I can barely see and am dizzy. I am very hungry and thirsty. I can see a sandy color all around me and an open window to my left. I can see the blue sky outside. The ground is also sandy colored and I can feel that it is dirt. When I look down at myself I see my ankles are cuffed and chained to the ground. I want to die and try to close my eyes. I hear a man’s voice above me shout, “You can’t die yet” and feel a pain in the side of my head. The dizziness returns and I black out.

1610AD

I recalled this life in hypnosis.

I am a young woman in France, probably around the age of 19. I have dark hair and am about 5 feet tall. I am very thin and fairly attractive. I am married to a Duke or someone of royal ties. He is much older than me and I consider him very unattractive. He has dark hair and is very tall and slender. His nose is very pronounced.  I resent the fact that I am married to my husband. It was an arranged marriage by my parents. I believe I originally came from Spain.

I remember the house that I lived in was very grand. Like a castle and made of stone. It had beautiful green lawns and gardens and down a hill from the house was a pond with swans and tall reeds. It was very peaceful and I often went to sit by the pond and gaze at the beautiful wildlife there.

I know I had a daughter who was the light of my life. I remember taking her to the pond and having picnics with her. She brought meaning to my life and I became happy for the first time since marrying my husband. I was content and at peace with my life and started recognizing just how wonderful my husband was. It caused me to fall in love with him. Life couldn’t get any better.

Then the sickness hit me. I couldn’t breathe and felt weak. I got a fever and had to stay in bed. I hated it. The room was cold and dank. I felt my life slipping away. I was angry and resentful of God for taking me when my life was so wonderful. I hated leaving my daughter behind. I was only 23 when I died of pneumonia.

Around 1700AD

I recalled this life in hypnosis.

I am a Native American man. My first memory is riding a horse bareback when I am very small, about six years old. I recall clutching him with my legs and feeling the wind in my face. It is a pleasant, free feeling.

Then I skip forward and I am a man of about 21. I am quite full of myself. In my short life I already have a wife and two children – sons. I am a great warrior and the best with the bow and arrow of my entire tribe. I am full of spirit and desire to make war with a neighboring tribe who keeps trespassing onto our hunting grounds.

I recall a meeting with our chief. We discuss the other tribe and I let him know my desires to make war with them, or count coup. His decision is final though. We are not to do anything about the other tribe. We are to continue to patrol and hunt, but that is it.

I was furious. I was determined to show our chief that he was wrong. I got together a band of warriors and convinced them that we needed to make a raid on our neighbors. They followed my lead. It was a mistake.

When we approached the neighboring tribe they were alerted to our presence. They came at us with clubs and I was unable to duck down fast enough. I was hit in the head and thrown from my horse. I was killed instantly.

When I recalled this life I remember feeling regret over not listening to my chief. I recall recognizing my lesson and learning it well. Never again would I ignore the wisdom of my elders and I would be wary of having too much pride and not enough heart.

Late 1700s

I recall myself as a woman in this life. I am young, maybe 22-23yrs old. I am a teacher of small children. I am also a nun. I am in the United States in the city of Chicago.

I recall my death first. I am ill and laying in a bed in a very small room. I recall leaving my body and going out the window. As I looked back, I could see the brown colored bricks of the small room I was in and the larger building behind it – the church. I had no regrets, only peace and gratitude for the life I lived.

I recalled at that moment more of my life. I was abandoned on the church doorstep by my mother. The church took me in and the nuns there raised me. As a teenager I became a nun myself and my job was to teach the children at the orphanage.

I rarely went outside the church into town and when I did I felt very alien and uncomfortable. I was very shy and quiet; rarely speaking unless spoken to. I was sad most of my life but I didn’t know why. When I died I had been coughing for some time. I had a fever and when I laid down one night I never woke up.

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Past Lives – Part II AD

80AD

I have recalled pieces of this life at least six times since my first memory of it. This account will be of that first memory. It was spontaneous and came to me in meditation quite unexpectedly.

At first I saw myself. I was a small child. I was maybe six or seven years old with long brown hair. The image I got in my mind looked like that of a wild child. I was wearing animal skin-type clothing that was short sleeved and dirty with holes and worn spots in it. My hair was long and knotted like it had never seen a comb. My face was dirty and I looked like I had been crying. I asked the questions where and when. I got Romania and the year 80AD.

As I looked more closely at the life I saw where I was standing. Around me I saw small fires smoldering. It looked like they were the remains of houses. I could see bodies of men, women and children lying here and there. They had been brutally killed. Most had bloody heads and some had no head at all.

The emotion with the scene was one of complete grief and desperation and finally hopelessness.

When I wondered why, I knew that a rival clan had attacked us and killed everyone except me and my baby brother. When I wondered where my brother was, I knew he had later died and that I was left alone. With that knowledge I then wondered what happened next.

With that thought it was as if I skipped years and flew forward in time. I found myself sitting by a campfire. I was a bit older, maybe 14. I knew I had been allowed to live with another clan. They had taken pity on me when they found me in a condition of near starvation, still hiding out near the scene of devastation that had been the only home I had ever known. Although they had taken me in, they treated me as a animal. I was forced to wait until all were done eating before I got any food, and even the dogs that ran wild around the outskirts of camp often got more food than I. Where I was brought to in my life at this time was when I was separated from the main clan and was with two older men, who also mistreated me. We were all sitting around a fire and they were laughing and carrying on about something but I paid no attention. I was in a state of near psychosis. I had lost all hope in humanity. I had been raped and used for sex since the age of 10. These men were doing with me as all the others had. I had no one who loved me. In fact, I could not remember what love felt like. As I sat there I contemplated death. I wanted to die. Then one of the men came at me for what I knew would only ultimately lead to sex. He took me away from the fire and the other man laughed. I went into a place inside myself and another me took over. The minute the man was distracted, I swiped his knife and in an instant slit his throat. He died quickly. I felt no remorse but was panicked and began to try and think of a way out. Before I could escape the other man came close. Upon seeing the scene he began to move toward me with the intent to kill me. Quickly I took action and jumped on his back. We struggled for a few moments. Somehow I managed to get my arms around him and I slit his throat. He gurgled and did not die quickly. I sat and watched until he was dead. It was at that point all humanity was gone from me and was replaced with someone whose only urge was to survive at all costs.

The feelings that overcame me were so intense that I wanted to deny that I was ever this woman. But the memories continued to come at me.

The next thing I remember is being in a very dense forest. My bed was at the base of a huge pine tree near the edge of a trading route, a dirt trail barely five or six feet wide. I knew I camped out here for a reason. I would attack people by jumping on top of them from my perch in a tree. In an instant I would slit their throat. Then I would take what I wanted of their things – usually food, water, clothing and any valuables I could find – and leave their body by the side of the trail. If they had a horse I would scare it away, but usually I attacked those who were alone and on foot.

I skipped forward again and found myself on a platform. My hands and legs were bound with rope and I could hear people sneering and yelling. I saw that the platform was strewn with food. In an instant I knew I was being executed. My arms and feet slowly being stretched apart until I was torn apart. I remember having no emotion at all. As I was pulled apart I felt myself leave my body. I did not experience any pain. I did not experience any emotion. It was as if my soul was dead.

In the later instances of recalling this life I was able to fill in the blanks with more information. In my youth I had experienced love. I had a family and a good life (or as good as life was in those days).  The day my family was killed I was tending to daily life and my little brother was near me. I heard a call, which was the warning call, and knew I needed to hide. I took my brother and ran a distance from the camp and hid behind a tree. From there I heard more than saw my family hacked and dismembered and then burned. When the attackers were gone I took my brother down to the camp and called out, hoping someone would come for us. When no one came, I sat with my brother and waited. We waited for days. My brother, not more than a year old, cried a lot at first. Then eventually he stopped crying and just clung to me. One day he went to sleep and never woke up. I grieved for days. I blamed myself for his death. The amount of pain and guilt I felt was beyond anything I have experienced in this life. It felt like the death of a thousand loved ones to me. I can still see his little face and his brown hair. He was a lovely child and I had lost him, my only family. I was alone. The feeling was absolute aloneness.

I fell asleep there by my brother’s body. All hope had left me. When I awakened there was a man standing above me. He shouted something and I felt a pain in the side of my head and lost consciousness.

The next thing I remember was a woman’s face. Somehow I had been allowed to stay with a clan that had passed by where I was lying and had taken pity on me. The men in the clan did not like me, however. They viewed me as a nuisance, a draw on their resources, like a dog; a scoundrel. The woman who looked at me with such kindness and sympathy was not allowed to tend to my needs or help me. She had to do it in secret. I was left to myself for the most part. Because of my status in the clan, I was abused quite often. At first I was beaten for the smallest of things – just for being in the vicinity of someone who was in a bad mood. Then I was used for sex by the men in the clan who had lower status or were viewed as unfit for reproduction. The woman who helped me died at some point and was unable to help me. I had no one and I was no one. Thus, it made perfect sense to me why I became the person I became in that life.

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Past Lives Part 1: BCE

I have remembered many past lives in my quest for knowledge. Some came about spontaneously, while others were found during auditing sessions. I even found one during a hypnosis session.

Lately I have wanted to write down all my past lives in order from my very first memory to my most recent. I am going to limit the lives on the time line to my Earth lives because I have remembered lives where I was most obviously not on Earth and feel those dates/times will only confuse the time line.

For the first part of the time line I am going to start with those lives I have remembered that are the farthest back, so those during BCE (Before Current Era or Before Christian Era) or the years before Christ’s birth.

BCE is the opposite from AD (meaning Anno Domini or In the year of the Lord) when it comes to how the dating works. Instead of the years counting up from 1 like they do in AD time lines, the years actually count down from as far back in the past as the time the of man’s first ancestors and beyond. In the case of my time line, I am going to start only as far back as my very first past life memory, which was approximately 10,025yrs BCE.

It was during an auditing session that I remembered this very distant past life. It was quite surprising to me because 1. it was so amazingly vivid and 2. my surroundings and the way my body looked and felt were so different from my surroundings and the way my body looks/feels in this life.

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My first impression upon remembering this life was the feeling of the moist, wet ground under my feet and the rough textures of the leaves and sticks that occasionally poked my feet as I walked over them. I looked up and noticed a canopy of green many feet high over my head. As my eyes spanned the area to my left and right I saw more trees and thick greenery and noticed I was walking in a line, probably about the fifth or sixth person in a line of maybe 30 or more people.

My first thought was “Wow!” but then I stared wondering, “Where am I? What do I look like? When is it?” I looked down to see if I could get a glimpse of my body and was shocked at what I saw. My belly was protruding and I quickly concluded that I was very, very pregnant, and obviously female. I also noticed that I was unclothed and that my body was covered in a down-like medium brown hair that was thicker down the middle of my stomach and lighter on the edges. Where my naval would normally be was a lighter colored area where the skin had been stretched by my growing baby. I noticed that my arms and legs were also covered in hair and that my skin tone was a medium color, but a bit lighter than the hair. I was no animal, however, I was very obviously human. My hands and feet were familiar and so was the way my body felt. I don’t think I was very tall, maybe 4-5ft tall, but the others in line in front of me were a varying heights, some taller and some shorter than myself.

As I continued along the time track of that life I felt a moist sensation between my legs and heard a loud noise, it was a human sound like a call or holler. I instantly knew I needed to leave the line and find a safe place to hide. I was having my baby.

I veered off to my left and went through the thick underbrush. It was getting dark and I was afraid. I had not been away from my group before. I knew I needed to find shelter and made my way to an outcropping of rock. It was a familiar place so I think I had been there before.

As night approached I began to feel pain in my stomach. It was horrendous and I tried to keep quiet but could not hold back and several times I let out a horrible screech. I remember hearing a return call from the distance which reassured me. They were waiting for me. I could only figure that “they” meant my group/family.

Deep in the night I finally gave birth. The experience was one that I relived but only partially, of which I am grateful. I remember seeing the dark rock, glistening with moisture and looking at the moist dirt at my feet and feeling an intense desire to push. When I finally did push it was not long before my baby was born.

When I reach down to pick up my new born baby I was concerned. There were no cries. The silence was deafening. I could not see well, but I could make out a small form on the ground and could see the umbilical cord at my feet. I picked up the baby and shook him. Still no noise. I began to panic. I knew he was suppose to cry but he wasn’t! There were no rational thoughts at this time, I must add. It was as if my mind in that life was unable to process the info or had no words with which to think. The feelings were raw and very real. I was frantic. I began to pound the baby on the back with my hands but still no crying. The longer the silence continued the more frantic I got. Eventually I began to slam the baby into the ground. I was no longer sane in my mind. I was a grieving mother who did not know what to do with this unfamiliar emotion. I did not cry, I wailed. I remember feeling the emotion as it poured out of me – a mixture of fear, panic, sadness and frustration. I have never felt such emotional agony in this life.

I finally left the baby on the ground and spent a few moments in a daze looking at him. He was lifeless and I was exhausted. It felt like I stood there in that state for an eternity, my grief finally leaving me exhausted and numb.

Finally I heard a cry from a distance. It was like a “Whoop! Whoop!” I knew it was my family calling to me. They were closer now. They had not left me.

I had an overwhelming urge to rejoin them. I knew I had to. I knew I could not stay there long. The smell of the blood from birth would attract animals. I looked at my baby, still lying lifeless on the ground, his body purple in the growing daylight. He was so tiny. He couldn’t have been more than 5lbs. I picked him up hoping he would show signs of life, but he was cold and stiff.  I knew I had to leave him and leave quickly. I didn’t want to. There was a feeling of agony here, like my heart being stabbed a thousand times. My son was dead but somehow I still held onto hope that he would revive. I didn’t want to leave him.

Finally, with the sun on the horizon, I heard another call and I called back. I put my son down by the outside of the cave. I looked back at his tiny body laying on the yellow-green moss that covered the ground. I didn’t say goodbye other than to look back that one last time. There I left him without burying him.

That was my life in 10,025BCE.

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1618BCE

I found myself sitting down at a desk. In front of me was a thick, yellowing paper with writing on it. The writing was unfamiliar to me in this life but somehow I knew it was Greek. I looked out the window in front of me and saw a plume of smoke rising out of a mountain top in the distance. I knew it was a volcano erupting. I knew I was a man, and a large one at that because I could feel my body and it felt large. It also felt old and not in the best of health. I could see my belly as I looked down at my body and saw that I was wearing what looked like a robe but it was tan or off white in color. There was a glass of wine on my desk and I drank the last of it. The glass was made of some kind of pottery. I got up and barked out orders to my family to make haste. We needed to leave the area as quickly as possible because soot and ash were already covering the sky in the distance and the plum of smoke was making its way towards us.I remember wondering what the date was. I instantly knew it was 1618.

As I rushed to get out of the path of the volcano, the ground shook. I could see the ground as I ran about, it was stone or very packed earth. I saw articles of clothing strew about and my feet, which were in some kind of cloth looking booty, similar to house shoes. The ground shaking made my steps uneven and I stumbled more than once. I climbed onto the back of a reddish brown colored horse and pushed him down a cobblestone path that was only wide enough for about two horses. On the right side of the road was a steep, stone outcropping that continued up the side of a very high hill or mountain. To my left was a drop off that went down I don’t know how many feet. The road was definitely cut into the side of a steep hill or mountain. The ground shook again and the horse reared up. I lost my grip and was thrown. My head hit the cobblestone and I couldn’t move. My last memory of that life was seeing the cobblestone and smelling smoke. I could see my body as I left it. My head was red with blood and my hair was gray and long and I had a beard that was about a foot long and kind of raggedy looking. I could see my body very clearly at that time. It was round and I was indeed wearing a robe that was tied at my waste and went down to my ankles. I could also see the area where I was and it was indeed on a steep mountainside and there were many more mountains in the distance and a glimmering of water to my left. The sky was dark with black ash and I could see sparks of red and orange embers in the air. Where the volcano was rumbling all I could see through the haze was a vague outline of the peak and a reddish glow.

**Later I researched this life and found out that this volcanic eruption was real. The Santorini eruption in the Mediterranean occurred at the date I remember this life to be.

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 Approximately 1200BCE

I became aware of this life in hypnosis. I could see out a window and saw hundreds of adobe-looking houses stacked along the hillside. I was above them and could see linens of white and browns hanging out windows and could see people walking below me. Most had things on their heads, turbans maybe. I became aware of my body. It was small and dark skinned. I was male. I was maybe 7-8yrs old. I also knew I was a slave or indentured servant of some sort. I could see that the house I was standing in was very small and had a dirt floor. I know I lived there with my mother, but I could not see her.

The memory faded as quickly as it came. I was able to grasp the date and that I was in Egypt before the memory fully faded away.

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by

Peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.

Where Did the Memories Go?

As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.

He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.

We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.

The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.

Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.

All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_One Life, Many Me’s

I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.

I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.

The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.

And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.

Peace

The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.

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Autism and Ascension

treesunI was a bit sleep deprived yesterday as I drove in to work. It was my first day and I arrived 10 minutes late. Usually it would upset me, but I just shrugged it off. Don’t sweat the small stuff, right? My boss was understanding, which I figured he would be.

My day was a bit slow at first. I was taken for a tour of the campus and then to my office – or, er room. To my surprise my office space was the size of a small classroom with a huge walk-in closet space for storage. Wow. I was not prepared for such a large space and so felt a bit overwhelmed. But then I got to work brainstorming what I could do with the space.

Autism

After lunch I met with an occupational therapist and a speech therapist who I will be working with. I immediately like them and we discussed social skills groups for middle school students. Since my space was so large, we decided to use it for the groups. I learned that all the students involved – around 18 – are autistic or display characteristics of autism. I had been told in advance that I would be working with two autistic students but not so many. Thankfully I have the support of the OT who spent the previous year working with the students and find tuning the groups.

I am not very familiar with autism except from what I have learned via my studies and my one experience with a student with Aspergers Syndrome. From what little I know, autism can range from severe to mild with the main issue being the individual struggles with the ability to recognize social cues. There are also speech and cognitive delays early on, delays in motor development, intense interest or fixation with things, objects or activities (or the exact opposite) and other obsessive tendencies. I have an inkling that autism is the predecessor to how ascension will affect humanity in the future. This has not been fully revealed to me, however, and this is the first time I have mentioned it at all because the information is so incomplete. My exact purpose for interacting with these children is not completely known to me yet, either, but I feel it goes hand in hand with my life purpose to help prepare the path ahead for those following behind.

landscapeStrange Dream Experience

I left my first day of work feeling hopeful. My mind was buzzing with ideas on how to decorate my space so I went shopping and bought a few things. On my way home I was caught in a horrible traffic jam that I learned would not let up for hours. I spent the next hour following Navigator’s suggestion on the fastest route home. I returned home exhausted but thankfully my husband beat me home and my mother-in-law made dinner. I was able to rest and hit the sack earlier than usual.

I awoke in the middle of the night wide awake. I tried to return to sleep but just couldn’t so I set the intention to astral and relaxed on my back with my head propped up.

The next thing I remember is dreaming but the dream eludes me now. I do recall heading to bed in the dream and falling asleep. I slept very hard and when I woke I found myself floating over my family’s land in the country.

There was no vibrational fluctuations to suggest that I went OOB but yet there I was, floating outside and seeing vividly the grass, trees and sky. I instantly recognized my grandparent’s place and hovered there taking in the expansiveness of the land around me. The colors were bright but not excessively so. In fact, it was just very much like I was awake except that I was floating in the air.

I stayed there a while, not moving much, having a conversation in my mind with someone that I could not see. Of course, I don’t remember the conversation now except that I wanted to change scenes and go somewhere more interesting. The minute I had that thought I began to feel myself being pulled upward with great speed. I saw the tops of the trees and resisted the pull, knowing it would take me into outer space and then I would ultimately wake up back in my body. I did not want that and so I closed my eyes and willed myself to transition out of there. But to where? I had no set place in my mind.

I felt the familiar shift in energy that suggests I have transitioned to a new environment. Yet when I opened my eyes I was still hovering at tree level over my grandparent’s land. In front of me was their driveway and to my left was the open field they called the Klein patch.

I again recall that I was speaking with someone but I can’t remember any of the conversation now. Instead, it is all a blur and somewhat dream-like when I try to remember it in detail.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed, realizing I had been OOB and then deciding to go back to sleep without much thought about the uneventful astral I just experienced.

Ascension

Today I am mulling over yesterday’s events from my first day at work to the strange dream/OBE I had. What was I talking with my guide about? Why can’t I remember? And what is the connection between autism and ascension?

I feel there is more to know but that I am blocked to receiving all the information at this time. There is a part of me that is considering channeling but it has been so long since I have channeled that I am uncertain that I can keep my ego at bay well enough to get the truth.

What I am aware of is that the feelings of negativity and longing for Home that I was feeling just a few days ago has all but been extinguished. The energy that accompanied this feeling also has calmed and I, in turn, feel much calmer. I felt this way yesterday while at work as well and I found myself intuitively knowing things about people before they spoke. In fact, I had to stop or correct myself several times during conversations because those I was speaking to looked at me like, “How did you know that?” Oops!

I am still also very affected by the intense love and dedication I felt all around me while at work. I said several times, “It is obvious this place is loved” or “It is obvious someone loves this place”. I wonder if that is why there are so many more autistic children there? And I have an inkling that these children are extremely sensitive to the energy of others and of the planet and so such an environment is calming to them. And to me.

I look forward to seeing where this will lead.

by

Eleven

I forgot that if I want it and ask for it – demand it – it will be received. Silly me!

Yesterday, I wrote in my blog post that I was done with the funk I was feeling and no longer wanted it. This morning I woke up feeling normal. Rather than linger in my bed I wanted to get up immediately. I felt good. What a difference from the last few days!

All because I told the universe that I was done. Ahh, the power of intention!

Eleveneye-light

This is my last day of freedom from the workaday world. Tomorrow I start my new job. So this morning, even though I wanted to get out of bed, I lingered, taking advantage of the little me time I had.

At first I couldn’t sleep and I just tossed and turned thinking about how good I felt and how different I was perceiving things. Everything seemed so much better! The day was not dreaded. The painful heartbreak longing for Home no longer palpable.What a relief! I also felt that September would not be as bad as August. The heavy cloud of negativity and emotionality dissipating.

I must have begun to doze because my thoughts became 3D images which blended into music and color that was vividly clear. I found myself inside a two story house laying in bed. I suddenly became very aware that I was late and needed to get up. I opened my eyes and saw my brother standing over me, smiling and in a very relaxed mood. He said, “Hey, don’t you think you should get up? Its 11a.m.?” Seeing him and hearing him say the time put me in a frenzy and I immediately got up and began looking for my daughter. I also gave him a piece of my mind, asking how he could have let us all sleep so late. I had specifically set the alarm for 6:15a.m. My daughter was suppose to be at the bus stop at 7a.m. If we hurried, we could get her to school before mid-day. I also told him he needed to get ready for school as well. He was likely late, too!

While I was rushing about in this house, I got a very peculiar feeling that something was was not quite right. Where was my husband? Why was I talking to my brother? What was this house? Yet I went through the motions of the dream anyway, letting it continue. My confusion had not awakened me to the fact that I was dreaming….yet.

For some reason, I kept looking at the clock to check the time. It said 11:00 every time I looked. One time I thought it said 1:00 only to check again and see it was 11:00. The whole time I felt this urgency. I was late!

I noticed my mother’s dog following me around. She needed to go potty. I told my brother he needed to take her out, but he ignored me. Finally, I decided I would have to do it and began trying to remember if there was a fence or if I would have to put her leash on. I couldn’t remember. I asked my brother and he just laughed at me like I was nuts. Then I thought, of course there is a fence and remembered a picket white fence around the front. But what about the rest of the yard? Was there fencing?

I thought hard and recalled seeing a fence around the back and a road coming in – the driveway. To the side was a construction entrance, though, with a huge metal building. To the other side of the house was a wire fence that was horizontally spaced to where anyone could cross through. It would not keep a dog in. On the other side of it was a hotel.

I went outside with the dog as I was recalling the layout around the house and looked around. The feeling was that I was in Alaska. Alaska?? I began to panic. It was nice now, but what about later, when the snow came? I didn’t want to drive in that stuff again!

The panic I felt caused me to become very aware of my surroundings and lucidity hit me very suddenly. I got calm and stared up at the massive trees, their branches coming down near me. I looked at the huge, green leaves and they sparkled and glimmered as if they were dusted with glitter.

Then I was in my bed and I heard music. I listened to it while I watched a huge leaf shine in front of me, totally mesmerized by the leaf. Then I realized I was hearing music and I must be about to exit my body. The instant I realized it I also decided I didn’t want to leave my body. The instant I decided this, the music stopped and it was very quiet. I also could no longer see the leaf.

I lay there thinking about how I had the opportunity to leave my body, but I kept wanting to get up and out of bed. I wanted to start my day. I felt the familiar buzzing of energy that told me I could still leave, but I kept making the same decision. I wanted to get up.

11-11Geckos and 11:11

I feel clearer today than I have in a long time. It is really quite a difference and I am not sure what exactly happened to cause it. I know the energy is shifting again, I wrote about it yesterday, but this morning I can feel it. It is very obvious. But I wonder, was this shift in energy caused by my decision to not feel how I was feeling or was it caused by some universal energy shift? Or both?

I have been seeing 11:11 on the clock quite a bit lately. I just ignored it mostly because it is not uncommon for me to notice the number. However, after having the lucid dream this morning, I wonder if perhaps there was more to it?

I am also seeing more geckos. I actually saw one last night. He ran across the floor in front of me and I captured him and let him go outside. He was bigger than most I have seen and such a pretty shade of pink. Pink!

Interestingly, both the number 11 and gecko totem send the message. The gecko says pay attention to your dreams and your intuition. The number 11 also reminds us to pay attention to our intuition – specifically that it is time to connect to our higher self in order to know our mission and purpose in this life. Eleven is the number of spiritual awakening and enlightenment. So that feeling I had this morning of getting up and the message in my dream that I was late and needed to be somewhere went hand in hand with the number 11.

Dog

It is also interesting to me that I had a dog with me yesterday during one dream and again encountered a dog in this one. To see a dog in your dream symbolizes intuition, loyalty, and protection. Whenever I see a dog in my dreams it reminds me that I am not alone and my guides are there assisting me in whatever way I need. It is a message that my guides will not leave my side and will offer protection when I need it.

Big Picture

As I absorb this new feeling – which is very similar to how I felt back in May – I think I am starting to better understand what is going on with me. It is hard to put into words and I am not completely sure I could put it into words just yet anyway. The main message is that I need to trust and follow the guidance I receive, however I receive it. I also need to be prepared to make choices that will be outside my comfort zone, though acceptable once my ego is put in check. I also understand that I am in no way obligated to make any changes or choices – it is all up to me. And that I can change my mind at any time.

by

Homesick

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????It’s the last day of a three-day weekend. My husband and kids are home and we are getting a lot accomplished. New quartz counter tops were installed on Friday, followed by the glass tile back splash and new stainless steel appliances. Yet every morning I struggled to get out of bed. I did not want to open my eyes and when I did it was hard to pull myself out of bed. Usually my stomach growling pushed me to get up. Other times hearing my baby cry or my children calling my name instantly propelled me from my bed. And by the end of the day things were not so bad. Things were even good. Yet when I closed my eyes at night to go to sleep I knew that it would all repeat in the morning.

Homesickness

This morning was no different except that my husband came in and woke me up with kisses. I tried to be in a bad mood but it was difficult with so much love. I suspect his dreams told him that I needed him as he mentioned them as he hugged me close. He said he kept dreaming that things were interrupting us and keeping us apart; from communicating. He wanted to fix it which was why he was snuggling close to me at 8am.

I finally accepted his love and cuddled back, but I could not enjoy it. I was still haunted by my own dreams. Dreams of wanting to go home but not being allowed to. In one I was at work and got a message from the boss that was a warning. It said that she was the boss and that anyone who questioned her would face the consequences. Then I wandered the workplace trying to find a way out. I felt conflicted. I wanted to go home yet could not push myself to leave. 

In another dream I was in my old high school town leaving the school and looking to go home. I ran into all kinds of obstacles and picked up a black and white dog on the way. In the end I found myself inside a train running towards the caboose. A man was with me but I don’t know who he was. When I got out of the train I ran along the tracks and was told I could not go that direction. But I didn’t listen and continued to run as the tracks collapsed and tried to envelope me. I just wanted to get home. I vaguely recall hearing a woman say “26” and I felt if I could just get to 20 that I would make it home.

When I woke up I felt such sorrow and loss that it made it hard to see the sun as a promise of a new day – a new start.

My OBE’s stopped a few days ago and my sleep has been solid with dreams similar to the ones I recounted above. They don’t stop, either. And I am tired of them. I have been reading channeled messages lately about how the changes in energy are about to fluctuate once again but this time they will split up, sending us down our individual paths where we will meet up with groups that we will work with. It is all very vague, though, and doesn’t help me feel any better. One message spoke about how difficult the month of August was and I can completely relate. I am super happy to see August gone but I worry that September won’t be much better. The confusion of energy is exhausting me and makes me feel so unable to act and even if I could act I have no idea what I would do.

Indulgence

Over the last couple of days I have been feeling drawn to read up on anything metaphysical. I guess I am searching for some rational explanation for what is going on with me. I am also trying to find out what I am suppose to do next. Am I suppose to be using my gifts again?

I have read more channeled messages than I ever have in my life. I never get much out of channeled messages. They are all so wordy and repetitive, as if the Spirit that is communicating is trying to distract us by the numerous words. I like to get to the point, which is likely why I have never been too good at channeling. I am too impatient to listen to long, drawn out messages. I just want a nice, short paragraph that gets straight to the point. I found some reassurance that what I am experiencing is normal, but nothing substantial.

I did, however, find something in a recent article – Scientific Approach to Reincarnation and the Journey of Souls After “Death”. In the article there is an section about Dr. Micheal Newton’s finding on what occurs between life. In this section, stage nine specifically, there is one particular sentence that stood out to me: ” This meeting is also to encourage us to have patience, to hold true to our values, to trust ourselves in the midst of difficult situations, and to avoid indulging in anger and negativity”. Specifically the very last point about indulging in anger and negativity really hit me hard. I understand it well.

A memory hit me from my late-twenties in which I had an experience where I realized I was drawn to tdoghe negative, specifically to feeling negative and depressed. When I realized this I was able to immediately pull myself out of it. Also, my guide has told me simply to say “Stop” to those thoughts which are negative. It does work, but it is a lot of work at first and, honestly, I do find that I am drawn to the negative. So the word “indulge” really made sense to me. Is it an indulgence?

To indulge is to “allow yourself to have or do something as a special pleasure”. Do we really find pleasure in anger and negativity? I think I do. At least, I recognize that I find enjoyment in being negative.

It seems to me that it would make since that negativity and anger would be considered a “pleasure” because when we are out of our bodies and Home we are surrounded by the opposite at all times. Our very nature is the opposite. So, in a weird way, that which is negative could be addictive as it allows us to experience something we are not. It is like those who are addicted to a powerful drug like heroine. It allows them to feel such intense pleasure that is so alien to their life in a body that they seek it out over and over.

Could it be that I am struggling to not indulge in negativity?

At first, when I saw I had fallen into the trap, I was hard on myself, but my guide pointed out that I am doing far better than most. I internalize most of the negativity I feel. I do not push it on others. I do not take it a step further like so many do. I do not allow myself to be overcome by it to the point of losing myself in it. I fight it and have been victorious. Yay – I guess. I have a long way to go, that is for sure. Thankfully I do not indulge in anger. lol

More to Learn

As I struggle to keep from indulging in negative thoughts and actions, I am also obviously struggling with an intense desire to return Home. A part of me is fighting this life and I am aware of a deep dissatisfaction that pervades all that I do. It comes with a feeling of impatience. And a feeling of waiting. I honestly feel that I am waiting for my next set of instructions which usually comes with feeling direction and purpose. I have neither right now. As I wait, I struggle because it is so very hard to wait. And I am told this is important; that I am learning and still need to learn more. There is a lesson that needs to complete still. When I hear this from my guide I roll my eyes and let out a huge breath. I feel like lessons are the worst. I feel like a student being told by her teacher that she has to do one more chapter and answer the questions before she can be released from school. After that, well, its playtime, right?

 

 

 

 

by

Death and Hair Dye

I am not trying to be morbid, really. It’s just that my dreams are morbid lately. Specifically they seem to be discussions between myself and my group of guides about the possibility of death in the near future.

D6a53f-twinflamespiral500eath

My night was filled with many wakings and, in-between wakings, lots of dreams. The first dream I recall was about my own death. In all my life I have never had a dream of my own death! The dream wasn’t about the death event itself, it was more about me, in Spirit, attending to people who would grieve my passing.

I went around in what appeared to be this hazy, 3D space that was partially lit but mostly dark and shadowy. I heard people talking amongst themselves and could see their shadows around me. They were talking about me. How the accident was unexpected and I died quickly, likely experiencing no pain. I immediately assumed it was a car accident and became more interested.

The majority of the dream continues in a haze with me hearing people talking about me and watching their reactions to my death. I saw my mother and my older sister among other people. I do not remember seeing my husband and three children. My older sister was especially upset, nearing hysterics, and her emotion drew me to her. I felt helpless as I watched her cry, knowing it was me who caused her reaction but also feeling it was necessary.

Hair Dye

This dream was a pun on death. I didn’t know it until I woke up, though.

It was set in a hair salon but it was closed and dark. I was inside and aware that someone was trying to break in. I hid beneath some chairs and watched as the people broke in. They were not bad looking but I felt I should hide anyway. There was a brief period of some part of the dream that I do not remember here. I just recall that my deceased grandparents were in it and there was discussion amongst us about our family and memories of this life. I also recall feeling as if I were with my grandparents on the Other Side waiting for the rest of my family to return Home.

At some point I found myself back in the salon talking to a woman. She was showing me a package of hair dye. She said, “I bought it for $17.99”. I remember looking at it and its contents and then telling her, “I usually pay over $100 to get my hair dyed. That is why I usually only do it once a year”.

I awoke suddenly at this point. I was frantic. Death? Hair dye = dying? What is going on??

My guide was close saying, “It’s alright” but I did not think it was alright. My dreams told me what was going on. I was discussing my own death. Why? And I remember talking to my guide some time ago about when I would die. He told me, “You will know”, as if I would just know when my time was close. I did not really understand what he was talking about back then but now, at this particular moment, I was beginning to understand.

You see, a part of me was calm and rational while the other part, the part freaking out after waking from a dream, was irrational and emotional. The rational part said it was okay, this was just part of the process and that I still had time but needed to get my shit together. I tried to ignore that part of me, wanting more to think it was all just an odd dream, but my heart felt differently and my third eye was buzzing.

Eventually, after I calmed down, I let myself doze some more but felt I would never return to sleep. As I lay there, I began feeling I should get a will written up and started to think about what to do with my assets. It was bothersome and made no sense. Really? A will? I am too young for that.

Rejectedgun

I managed to fall asleep again and found myself in another dream about death. This time I was visiting my mother’s home in the future. I discovered that my mother had agreed to help my two sisters financially, even letting them live with her again. Rather than charge them rent she decided they needed her help for free but she told me that I would not get it for free and that I owed her $9,100 from the time when I stayed with her during hard times. I was upset. I had paid her rent and even gave her money for food during that time. If anything, we were even! I got so mad at her that I packed up my things and told my husband I was never going to talk to her again. On my way out I saw my sisters and told them I hoped they enjoyed their free ride. I was not mad at them but I did not feel a part of their life. I had a feeling of being “done” when I left the home.

When I was leaving, a group of family I did not recognize was driving up. I had a BB gun in my hand for some reason and began shooting at them. I recall seeing a pool and walking around it toward them, telling them to not be afraid, it was just a BB gun.

There was something about my grandparents in this dream as well, though I can’t recall it now. The feeling was that I was no longer a part of the family anymore. That I was not needed. There was also a feeling of injustice.

I woke up with a start again, this time wide awake. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I checked the time. 5:00am. I tossed and turned but still couldn’t go to sleep. I was also hungry. Grrr! So I got up and ate some yogurt and saw my husband leaving the house with baby in tow. He was going for a run at 5:30am. Not unusual but it got me to worrying that he would forget to get my daughter ready for school. It was his turn.

Conscious Exit

When I returned to bed for the umpteenth time I decided to just lay on my back and “rest”. I considered that I might astral since it was happening so frequently. So I asked my guide to help me experience it more thoroughly this time. I really wanted to pay attention to the details that I often ignore. But honestly, I just wanted to go back to sleep and get my dreams out of my head. I did not want to confront the possibility of my own death.

I must have fallen to sleep, but I don’t remember doing so. I became lucid almost immediately because I was laying in my bed talking to a friend’s daughter and she was acting like a little baby. She is 4 years old, though. I looked at her closely in the dream and the dream scene vanished and went black.

I immediately became aware that I was floating in a horizontal position. I thought I was in my body at first but then as soon as I had this thought I decided to test it. I floated up a bit and then I went down and through the bed. I also went vertical when this happened. I had only mental vision until I recognized I was OOB. The instant I recognized it, my vision turned on vividly.

I was hit with memories of my earlier conscious exits and the familiarity helped me recognize that all I needed to do now was seize the opportunity by taking that first “step” away from my body. I sat up and, feeling I was free, took off flying.

I do not recall leaving through the window or the passage that led from the scene within my bedroom to the one I ended up in. I was just instantly somewhere else. I was flying very fast, too. So fast that the scene buzzed by without me taking much notice.

I slowed and hovered for a moment above what looked to be a college campus because there was this green lawn collegesurrounded by sidewalks that circled it. All about where young people in groups. Some were sitting on the grass, others were walking together with books in hand. They all seemed happy. I did not know who they were or why I was there and did not really stop to consider it. I just knew I was not interested. I also felt like I had come to a present-time scene somewhere and was literally watching students start their day at school.

I saw a young man with sandy blonde hair and a horizontally striped polo shirt walking with some friends near the road. For some reason I decided to fly right through him. When I did, I did not feel anything really except a pause, as if I were slowed down for a moment, but the young man stopped and I heard him call out in surprise. He never saw me, though.

Excited that I was successful, I flew up and over the road where I saw a group of young students waiting at a covered bus stop. I did not recognize it or where it was and just flew by, hoping to catch some of what they were saying. I was thoroughly convinced that I was in present time and hoping I could get information about where I was.

I did hear them talking but it was not about anything that could help me determine where I was. They were just talking about school, friends, things they had done – normal conversation. I gave up and flew up in the sky and felt it pull me upward. I felt unable to stop moving up and I accelerated. Immediately upon realizing I was being pulled up, my vision blacked out. For some reason, though, I calmed down and began to reorient myself in space, righting myself vertically and saying, “Clarity now” once, though not with much certainty.

When my vision returned, I was floating over a city. It was dark, right before dawn I think because I could see the commuter traffic below me with their headlights on and could see that the street lights were lit despite the early light of dawn that made it possible to see without them. I became excited at this point and flew down alongside cars as they passed by. Again, I was hoping to hear conversations that would tell me where I was. I got close to a few cars but could not get inside. I noticed some people saw me while others did not. I also noted that the cars with people in them that saw me had children in them and were very full.

I decided to get inside a car by going in through the windshield. I came close and saw a baby in its car seat and stopped short because the man inside could see me. He looked at me like, “What the hell?” I was confused. Why did these people see me?

I flew up and above traffic, watching the lights pass by like a time lapsed video of traffic at night. It was beautiful! I moved along with it, faster still, and saw an overpass in front of me. I decided to go through it and when I did I could feel every fiber of it as it passed through me. I felt, for a moment, that I became the overpass.

alaskaAlaska

Then I was on the other side of the overpass. Triumphant, my vision went black and I instantly felt transitioned to another place. This time I was not alone. I was with a small girl, about the age of nine, with strawberry blond hair that went down to her waist. She held my hand and we walked through some rooms together. I asked her, “So this is the house?” She replied, “Yes”. 

I do not remember seeing anything special about the house but I do remember wondering if this was my future house. It was nice, quaint and very pretty overall. When we got into the living area I noticed that the windows had horizontal, wooden slats over them instead of curtains and they were not solid but had large spaces between them and the next slat. I could see outside through the windows. It was in the country. I remember asking the little girl a couple of times, “Is Ms. Dee here?” I don’t remember hearing an answer and I have no idea who Ms. Dee is.

The little girl went outside and I remember saying how nice it was there. She agreed and wanted to show me the back yard. We stepped out into the sunshine and I saw tall pine trees, bright blue sky and green foliage all around. The air was crisp and familiar. It was Alaska! But, I don’t live in Alaska. I ignored the confusion I was feeling and continued to follow the girl. It was a nice place.

As I stepped into the large back yard, I noticed I was on a patio that had steps leading down. I went down a couple and saw that on my right were pens. Inside were baby chickens. Their plumage blended in with the hay and pen, a mottled brown. I said, “Oh, baby chickens!” and the little girl stopped and we looked at them. 

I then spotted baby ducks as well. They also blended in and were a mottled brown color. They were very tiny and both the chicks and ducklings did not move much.

As the two of us walked up some stairs I stopped and pointed out two chicks to the little girl. “Be careful! There are two of them!” I could barely see them as they blended in with the dark wood of the steps.

Then my vision blacked out and I again found myself horizontal and floating superimposed over my physical body. My vision was clear and vivid, though, and as I blinked I could see white lace curtains over the window. The light was bright and it was so real I wondered if I should exit my body again. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I floated there for a little while, watching the lace curtains. Then I blinked and when I opened my eyes they were heavy and resistant and I could feel the shift that comes with settling back into my body. I opened my eyes and saw purple curtains with light shining through. Where did the lace ones come from?

What is Going on?

It has been an odd month. I have astral traveled quite frequently – twice this week alone and I am only half way through this week! My dreams have also been very vivid and strange. Plus, the death theme is starting to worry me. All this along with the realization that there is some kind of planning going on while I am in dreamland has me worried. Am I really preparing to exit this life?

Yesterday, while trying to watch a video by William Buhlman on YouTube, my guide approached me and I felt this sense of urgency. I did not really want to talk but his mere presence caused me to question the crazy dreams and experiences I have been having. I asked if it was true that I was nearing the end of this life. He did not answer but instead I was hit with a memory, it just popped into my mind.

I am a runner and ran a half marathon after the birth of my second son. I remembered it vividly and then, after I realized the memory fully, I heard my guide ask me, “When did you start to feel tired?” I remembered the tired feeling hit me around mile 12 of 13.1 miles. Then I recognized a similar tired feeling in this life. The feeling hit me the beginning of last year and has been increasing ever since. I suddenly saw a correlation and ultimately why my guide was asking me to compare the two.

On a long run you come to a point where you want to give up. You can’t yet see the finish line but you have been running so long and are so tired that all you can think about is giving up. You want to stop. You are tired to your bones. But you know, if you keep going, just a little bit farther, you will see the finish line. That is when your energy suddenly returns and you run enthusiastically. The triumph is palpable and when you cross the finish line you are greeted with a mass of people and cheers. You are tired and you instantly refuel and rest. You made it.

In this life I am at the 12 mile mark, or have been for a while. I can’t see the finish line and I just want to quit. I am so tired. I ache deep inside and feel I cannot go one more step. But, if what I am shown is correct, the finish line is just around the corner. It will come into view soon and the sight of it will re-energize me. I can’t give up when I am almost there!

The logical part of me wants to know how long, of course. So I got out my calculator to determine what percentage of the half marathon was finished before I felt ready to quit. It came out to 92%. If I apply that percentage to my current life, 92% means I have 4 more years to go.

All I can say is that if this analogy is taken literally I really do need to get my shit together.

by

OBE: Blue Raven

blograven3This morning my sleep was interrupted at 4am by a very upset baby boy. I spent an hour calming him down and did not expect to be able to sleep afterward. I had already had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep but I did consider that if I fell asleep I would likely get to astral.

Broken Kindle

I found myself in a semi-lucid dream. I was in a classroom with other students, but I was not a student. I was not a teacher, either. I was just an observer. It was a small classroom and the students were in math class. Strangely they were reading books that were very thick with brightly colored pictures on them. They were reading aloud and the words rhymed in some places and in others they appeared to be puzzles. I looked at the page they were on because the teacher expected me to read but I could not locate it. As I was looking over the shoulder of a pretty black girl with long, braids down her back, I saw the word “Roosevelt” but it was mixed with pictures of the statue of liberty and other symbols. I laughed when I saw it because I knew the word despite the pictures.

I left the classroom for a moment because my eyes were very heavy with sleep and I needed to wake up. When I returned the students were all having lunch but no one was in the room to supervise them. They were laughing and horsing around. I went over to where I was sitting and noticed a dark object smashed on the floor. I rushed over to it because it looked familiar. Sure enough, it was my kindle and it had been smashed. I asked who did it and no one came forward. I looked at each of them and went to this one black kid and grabbed him. I opened up his mouth and looked inside saying, “You did it, didn’t you?” He was trying to say no as I looked at his top row of teeth and saw two missing. I said, “I knew it!” as if the teeth were proof.

Some people came in and grabbed him, dragging him away. He was protesting and angry, yelling at me. I remember thinking, “Maybe he didn’t do it?” and feeling worried I had been wrong.

Blue Raven

Something about the dream sparked memories of my present life and I became very lucid. I recalled my past, when I had similar encounters with young boys and girls like the ones in my dream. Each time I had been conflicted. I knew they were hurting, though not from me specifically, but from life, and a part of me wanted to grab hold of them and hug them all. Yet it was my job to make them accountable and I knew they must learn their lessons the hard way and my softening the consequences or giving them none at all would only prolong their lessons.

In the same instant that I became lucid and had these memories, I felt my body become very stiff and rigid. I also felt the familiar buzzing all over my body and a feeling of being in two places – in my body and out of my body. At the same time I instantly knew I was transitioning out of body and my heart began to pound in anticipation. I struggled to slow down my heart rate and calm down because I knew that it would keep me from leaving my body.

I distinctly felt every part of my body. It is like the buzzing energy made it that much more obvious that I had a body. My face, my back, my arms folded up around a pillow – all of it was very solid feeling. But there was an odd, alien feeling to it as well. It was as if I was not suppose to be there; it was very obvious my body was not me.

All these thoughts and feelings happened in an instant. As soon as I felt as if my body were a foreign object, I rolled out of it and onto the floor next to my bed. But I did not fall on the floor or go through it, which has happened to me in the past. Instead I instantly shot up and hovered in the room for an instant as I got my bearings. I knew I was OOB and could feel the momentum of my astral body as it spun and shifted hovering next to the bed. The sensations were intense and real and I knew I was more aware than I had been in a long time.

But I could not see and I wanted to. I was still able to sense my physical body strongly and felt it pulling me towards it. I felt the heaviness of the pillow up against my left eye and cheek. I kept wanting to rub my physical eyes and had an intense desire to open them. Knowing if I hovered there much longer that I would not be able to resist the pull of my physical body, I flew towards the door and down the stairs. My astral body tumbled and rolled around and around in circles as I flew. I felt like a big ball of energy tumbling forward. I remembered this feeling from my earliest astral travels and recognized that I was being reminded of this for a reason.

As I began rolling and tumbling down the stairs my vision began to flash in and out. I again knew why without knowing how I knew it. I was still to aware of my physical body and there was a slight feeling of anxiety mixed with anticipation that came with that. This caused my astral sight to fade out each time I “touched” my physical body with my mind.

I had to get out of the house. Surely that would get me far enough away from my physical body to allow me to focus on this body?

As I reached the front door I saw it clearly before my eyes. It shown like a white portal to another land and I was excited at the prospect of going through it.

I went through, expecting to feel the fibers of the door and become one with it for an instant as I went through it. But that didn’t happen. Instead my vision came on strong and clear and I was in a totally different house. In front of me was the living area, brightly lit with wood floors. Beyond that was the kitchen. I flew into the kitchen and looked at the layout. To my right was the dining area and cabinets surrounding the main kitchen. I saw the bar that opened up into the living room and recognized the white supports that held up the upper cabinets. To the left was another open area and I could see personal items tacked to a cork board. I knew this place. But from where? I couldn’t remember.

I went up to the cork board to get a closer look. Perhaps I could find something written there that could tell me whose house I was in? I saw letters but when I read them the meaning was lost to me. It was like the moment I read what was written the words became jumbled and unintelligible. I saw what looked like a little girl’s birthday party invitation. It had pink and silver and gold stars that came out in a star burst above some pink lettering. I gave up reading anymore, though, because I was getting nowhere.

I instinctively knew that the hallway behind the kitchen led to bedrooms, so I followed it and went into the first bedroom on the right. I was looking for someone but I didn’t know who.

I saw the bed and no one was in it. Where were they? Then I looked to my right and curled up on a sofa on one side of the room with a blanket over them was a body. I knew it was a woman. I saw a flash of her face in my mind. She had short, reddish blond hair and a round face. She appeared to be in her mid-40’s. I flew towards the woman’s sleeping body with my arm outstretched and put my hand right into the bundle that was her body. My hand went inside of her to where her heart should have been, but I felt no resistance. I honestly have no idea why I put my hand inside of her. Some part of me, however, felt I was intruding and doing something “wrong” and anticipated the woman’s response. I felt as if I were playing a joke on her.

The woman’s astral body came flying up and out of her body in a panic. She flew out the room so quickly that it surprised me and I turned to try and catch her. It must have shocked me as well because I went back to my own body. Before I knew it, I again felt my body, rigid and stiff and buzzing with energy. I tried to get out of my body again but felt pinned inside it, my arms and legs heavy and cumbersome. My mind raced. I want back out but I have to get up soon. I want to get out but I have to get my daughter ready for school.

raven.phoenixThen I saw this bird fly out in front of my astral eyes. A large raven. I watched it fly up and away from me and down the stairs. I followed, feeling again the tumbling of my astral body, but my physical body weighed me down, pulling me back to it. It felt as if I were dragging my physical body behind me. I tried to focus on the bird and watched it fly in circles at the top of the stairwell. As I watched it, my vision began to strobe – black/white to color, black/white to color. When I saw in color, the bird was a vibrant blue.

I struggled to stay OOB, hovering in the stair way watching the blue bird flying around. It beckoned to me to follow it. But I couldn’t. I had to wake up. It was time to wake up.

Finally, I gave in. It was time to wake up. I opened my physical eyes and checked the time. 6:09am. Time to get up.

Who is Ray?

But I didn’t want to get up yet. I still had time. So I lingered in bed for a bit, dozing. As I did, I saw an image of what appeared to be a large bowl or disc. It was so large a person could fit inside of it. Then I saw a man’s face in front of the disc and the hint of a blue color around it. The man had dark brown hair and brown eyes with pale skin and appeared to be in his early to mid-thirties. I did not know who he was but I said to my guide, “That’s Ray”. He said, “Yes. Did you know he committed suicide?” “No!”, I said. “He killed himself?”, I asked. “Yes”, was the reply. “Too bad”, I said. It was as if some part of me knew who this man was.

Wondering about the man in the vision I saw I thought perhaps the message was that this man had killed himself in a past life. It felt right and I let it be. Besides, I had no Earthly idea who this man was.

Thoughts

Before going to bed last night I spoke with my guide briefly. I didn’t say much but what I did say was in reference to the “discrepancy plan” that came up in yesterday’s blog post. I thought about how difficult it has been to be living this life in between two worlds. My guide agreed with me and told me it was done by finding balance. I knew this to be true. I told him, “If I could do something for me it would be alright”. After thinking for a bit I thought that if I got to astral travel more that it could help with that balance. I questioned my guide about it and he said, “You’re right”, which surprised me. I thought astral would cause more problems but it seems that perhaps it has been decided that it might do more good than harm. I then thought it may be good to use astral to help me with life, like I have seen so many others say it has. I then set the intention that if I did get to astral more that I want more awareness while OOB. I want to feel more, hear more, experience more and experience it more fully.

After the conversation last night, it is not really surprising that I got to leave my body this morning. I felt very connected to my guide throughout, though he was not visible, which is common. I also seemed to know that what was going on was a reintroduction to some of the basics that I had been taught years ago. My awareness was heightened and the movement of my astral body very noticeable when in the past it has been less so. I also felt my physical body and my astral body as two very different things. My physical body felt foreign and very much like the vehicle that it is. I do not remember feeling such a distinction in the past.

I am intrigued by the appearance of the raven in my dream. This bird has powerful symbolic meaning. It is truly a bird of death and rebirth, transformation and intuition. He is a guide, showing one their true and correct path. The blue color symbolizes communication and psychic awareness. In my OBE the raven was encouraging me to follow him. I now wish I had.

by

I Will Wait

I cannot quite explain how I’ve been feeling lately. It is not the familiar numb feeling or zoned out feeling, but it is similar. It is not a feeling of doom and gloom, either. I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what. It seems uncertain, as if there is a decision being made. When I am alone, my mind is blank except for continuing to hear OMD’s If You Leave, and more recently, Mumford & Sons, I Will Wait.

I continue to sense the shift in energy around me daily. Some days it is not as noticeable as others. Today the energy is heavy despite the bright blue sky dotted with puffy, cotton ball clouds. Occasionally the heavy feeling lets up and I can breathe only to have it come back and hit me and take my breath away again.

Is this shift in energy and weird feeling coming me? Is it the vibrational shift I keep reading about that comes with global ascension? Both?

I can’t help but keep feeling as if there is an in-depth discussion going on about me/with me on the Other Side. The decision? What to do now.

stormcloudsDiscrepancy Plan

Some people believe that life is pre-planned in complete before we chose to come into a body. They like to call it “fate”. I have never been one to believe this. It makes no sense. There are too many factors that prevent a completely scripted life. For example, a little girl who chooses to come into the life of a specific couple as their child understands that, although the “script” of their life says there will be no divorce, there is still a chance it could happen and completely alter the path of that child. Life cannot be completely scripted.

When such an event occurs, the individual can choose alternatives. It is the discrepancy plan. Discrepancy is defined as “an event that departs from expectations”. And as I type this I understand that this is what is happening now, to me.

I am not sure what my expectations were before this life, but I sure know that I do not like this feeling. It is an upside down, mixed up feeling. There is still the emotional exhaustion I have been feeling for quite some time. It feels like I have no energy left. Apathy. There is still the desire to continue underneath it all. A wrestling for hope, as if I am struggling to make it to the surface of the water for a breath of air.

And the songs that come to me have me questioning what is going on. Their messages seem to indicate that the decision that is to be made has to do with my continuing in this life. The OMD song lyrics, “Seven years went under the bridge, Like time was standing still. Heaven knows what happens now. You’ve gotta, you’ve gotta say you will” were pointed out to me by a friend. I recognized instantly the correlation to my life. This is the seventh year of my marriage and I have been working on my family that whole time. The song seems to be asking me to make a decision, “Stay or go?”. And the part the echoed in my head the most, “If you leave don’t leave now” and “If you leave, I won’t cry” suggest either decision is okay.

The Mumford & Sons song began before bed last night and came again as I woke and makes me wonder, “Who is waiting for me?” and “Why?” Does this song mean that I can take all the time I need to decide or just that it is okay to stay because my loved ones on the Other Side will wait?

Summer Camp

My dreams also indicate that I am struggling now. Last night I dreamed I was attending summer camp. I woke up groggily, not wanting to get out of bed but doing so because I was suppose to. I lined up to pay for my food and couldn’t decide what I was going to eat so paid the $5, asking for a certain item with an “X” in it’s name. I was told to get it when in the line. It turned out to be an artificial sweetener.

I got into the breakfast line but seemed unable to complete small tasks without assistance. For example, I had to be told to grab a bowl, silverware, tray and cup and then lost my cup as I went through the line. I was not interested in the food being served, though I did get some of it. When I sat down, I picked at my food and watched as my friends jabbered and talked excitedly about the day. One was discussing how to raise money for someone who needed it. I sat listening but disinterested, thinking how the person talking about raising funds was doing so to look good to others. 

One of my friends got my attention as I sat there and said, “Hey are you okay?” I said, “Yeah, I just need something to drink” and got up to get some coffee. As I got the coffee, I could not tell the difference between the coffee and creamer and remembered at the last minute that I could put the sweetener in it. I do not remember drinking it.

The last thing I remember is that my friend said to me, “Are you sure you’re okay? I think something is wrong with you”.

Completed House

Another dream I had was set inside a house. I was observing a couple who had bought a house and renovated it. I saw womanthere was a little girl as well. The house at first looked like a dilapidated shack but then was completely transformed. Its layout was similar to my current home with some improvements and I remember surveying the house in the dream and noticing the similarities. Oddly, I saw that the dining area had a tree in it with a baby swing. The ground rose up under the swing and was very nicely situated. I then noticed the curtains and blinds were very nice but there was a flower pattern on them that stood out to me, similar to the flowers from a previous dream I had recently.

Young Girl Crying

Finally, another odd occurrence as I lay dozing last night – I saw an image of a young woman crying. It was very vivid. She had short, red hair and seemed very familiar. I saw her tears first and knew the instant I saw the image that there was deep sorrow. I immediately wanted to know who she was, but got no answer. I sense that she had lost someone. 

I still don’t know if this image of the girl was Spirit trying to get through to me or if it was just a reflection of me. Perhaps it was both. I do know someone who fits the image I saw who did lose someone and could perhaps be feeling deep sorrow right now.

Funk

I do not like that I am posting negative things in my blog. I had hoped to skip those posts entirely. Yet I am feeling urged to do so. It is as if the negative posts complete the picture of who I am. The good and the bad go hand in hand. I am not perfect. I suffer like everyone else. This funk that I am in will not last. Everything changes. I know that the one thing I can rely on in this life is that nothing lasts forever.