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Finally! OBEs!

After a very long time (months?) I finally got to venture OOB!

Lucid to OBE: Swan’s

I was at my Mom’s house standing on the back porch looking at the pool when I became lucid in this dream. My daughter and one of my son’s were running with floats toward the pool. This is when I noticed there was a whole flock of beautiful, white swans in the pool. I yelled to my daughter to stop but she jumped in anyway. As I made my way to the water to try and get a photo before the swans took flight I noticed the pool was empty, the water dark with tall grass surrounding the water.

A group of baby swans was left behind and one of them got into the pool with my kids. It seemed tame and was happily playing in the water with them. By this time I was in the water, too, snapping photos with my phone. The water was crystal clear blue and the pool looked like my mom’s pool.

At some point the baby swan left and my daughter went looking for it. She found a shriveled looking thing resembling the dried remains of a very large toad. We were all sad and tossed it into the bushes. Another, larger swan swooped into the pool and floated there gracefully for a while. We were all in awe of it’s beauty. My daughter said she felt the swan was the baby’s mother.

Something about the swans and situation made me super aware of my energy body. I lost solidity in the scene and shifted out. Grabbing the opportunity I shifted back OOB.

HD Wallpapers Desktop: Swan HD Wallpapers

OBE: “Power” Lines 

I ended up in my old room at my mom’s house. I went directly into the kitchen where I saw my mom and sister sitting at the kitchen table. I passed beyond that into my mom’s room. The room was completely different with a twin bed in the center. I commented to my mom about it but upon closer inspection realized it wasn’t her.

I went into the bathroom and saw three people inside getting ready. One was a tall, blonde man and the other two were women. None of them were familiar except the man and I had an out of character need to kiss him, but refrained.

I went back into the bedroom and approached the woman. Her face morphed and settled into one of a fairly attractive woman with dark hair. I didn’t recognize her. We talked but I can’t recall what was said. For some reason I bent down and kissed her. I recall the kiss vividly because it was so physically real feeling. She kissed back but then pulled away disgusted. I left the room and decided to go outside to explore.

I remember there were small dogs – pugs I think – that was inside growling at me. When I went outside, passing through the door with ease, I saw a large, red pick-up parked sideways on the lawn. It’s windows were tinted so dark I couldn’t see inside. The handles one with the door so that you could not open them without a key. Another growling dog was nearby and also a man but I only remember his presence, I never saw him.

Music began to play in the background of the experience. An entire band/orchestra and I seemed to automatically know the words to the song. I lifted up into the sky and began to sing as I flew up the drive and to the left. Higher and higher I flew until I began to feel pulled upward. I didn’t want to go up so I grabbed onto the power lines, following them as I sang.

I wish I could recall what I was singing because it was important (I repeated it in the in-between to try and remember) but I don’t. Instead, I remember seeing the blue sky dotted with clouds, the road below me and a man walking along it looking up at me. My pulling on the power lines knocked them on top of him and I lost visual and shifted back into my body.

OBE: Seeking My Partner

I shifted immediately back OOB and into my old bedroom. I went directly to the kitchen but all was dark. I could not find who had been there before and the whole place felt abandoned. I went back into the bedroom and saw the people who had been there before but their faces morphed and shifted and it felt off to me. I vaguely recall looking closely again at the woman and the blonde man but can’t remember what happened. I think they vanished when I tried to touch them.

I opted to go outside again and it was dark, so dark I couldn’t see much of anything. The entire time I was talking aloud, saying I wanted to find my partner and asking for help to find him. I recall thinking I was tired of being alone and feeling a need from deep within to locate this person.

I rose up into the sky intending to fly again and looked down at the house. I could not see anything but an outline of the rooftop and front yard. I remembered the growling dogs and swear I heard them barking at me. The feeling from the scene was that something was down there I should be wary of. I decided I wasn’t interested in exploring what that was.

I opted to give into my OBE and let myself be pulled up into the sky. I could feel myself surrender as I began to rise and spin faster and faster. My vision was in and out the whole time. Mostly I recall my intention, it was a warmth in my core that swirled as I spun around and around.

The scene went black and I settled down back inside the house. It was as if my HS was saying, “Look here.” I wasn’t interested in a repeat of the other OBE and so opted to shift back into my body. I lingered there in a very warm, peaceful state for a while.

After waking an Ed Sheeran song – Thinking Out Loud – was on my mind. I had heard it the morning before but I heard, “And darling I will be lovin’ you til we’re 70”. This time I heard a different part. This time I heard, “Maybe we found love right where we are.” Probably an answer to my search in the last OBE. 🙂

Considerations

The symbolism of the first OBE seems to be all about things not being as they seem. A swan starts out ugly but grows into a beautiful creature. Someone or something that may be initially unappealing can turn into quite the opposite. It is important not to prejudice a situation based upon appearance or surface value alone.

The second OBE seems to be more of an exploration. The truck was interesting. Perhaps there is a part of my “work” that I am not allowed to know yet? Then there is the whole section on the power lines. I suspect it could be symbolic of taking back my power, but I don’t know. I wish I could remember the phrase I was repeating over and over. It was a positive one but that is all I recall.

The final OBE seemed to be directing me to look at my mom’s house and that environment as well as the morphing faces of the people I encountered. Probably more lessons on things not being as they seem.

Overall, I feel I am being nudged to look right where I am for all I desire.

 

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A Heads-Up from My Guidance: Possible Future Encounter

The tarot readings I did for myself yesterday prompted further explanation in dreamtime last night. I did not ask for elaboration. In fact I didn’t even wonder or attempt to think on the readings much past what I blogged. Here is the post for reference.

A recap in photos – Top is the full reading and bottom is the response to my question, “What do I need to know”:

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Dream 7/20/18

The dream started with me in a movie theater (protecting myself from the emotion of the situation) with a man. He felt like my husband and even his looks were similar but his hair was lighter in color. We were not alone in the theater but sitting far enough away from others that we had privacy. I felt his hand move onto my leg and down into my crotch area. I remember meeting his hand with my own and holding it. I turned toward him and he kissed me. I kissed him back and then we kissed some more. The make-out session was short-lived, though, because I stopped it and said, “Someone will see us.” It felt like we weren’t suppose to be anything more than friends and that I was trying to hide that we were.

Thankfully the intensity of this part of the dream did not bleed through into the physical (thus the movie theater). There was a very strong attraction akin to a heart connection and a heightened awareness throughout.

Then I was with a group of students in a room. I remember the teachers whispering about me and a boy. There was a male teacher particularly concerned that me and this boy may be getting romantically involved. It was inappropriate for us to be together because he was so much younger than me. They watched us for a while and were unsure as to whether they should contact our parents. Instead they opted to observe us. We were always close to the point of touching but did nothing beyond that.

At one point a female teacher entered the room and called the boy’s name. He went to her and she began to take him out of the room. I ran up to them laughing and joking about the situation, saying that he was in 8th grade and then becoming confused and talking to myself saying, “Wait. I think he’s nine so he must be in third grade.” The teacher gave me a very serious look and took the boy out of the room.

I spent quite a bit of time trying to determine the age difference in the dream. I only got as far as to determine I was 18 and he was 9. I remember doing the math 18-9=9 at one point.

Then the dream shifted and I was in another room sitting on stools at a rectangular table with other students. The table was long enough to accommodate at least 10 of us. I sat facing the students and a male teacher walked out of the room leaving us alone to talk. One student was discussing an assignment and how when one student completed an assignment (in this case an essay) the others all had to complete theirs or risk failing. It was like there was no due date until one student completed the assignment. Domino effect comes to mind here.

I interjected and said, “Really? That’s interesting. I just completed an essay assignment.” The boy looked at me and said, “That’s not good. We could all fail now.” I told him that I had just done it because it was there and needed to be done. I hadn’t put any thought into it. It was easy. The boy was concerned about grades and had a very pensive look on his face. I said, “Don’t worry about grades. It doesn’t matter what grade you make. Once you graduate you won’t care. Trust me.”

The others in the class seemed concerned anyway but the subject changed to graduation. Another young man was expressing his worry over graduation. He said, “I don’t have anyone. I’m all alone.” He was concerned no one would be there to celebrate with him. In my mind I saw a visual of a cliff overlook. There was a blanket laid down and stuff indicating a picnic for more than one person but there were no people present. I asked the guy, “No mom? Dad?” He shook his head at both. “No pets? No dog? Cat?” He said, “No.” I laughed and said, “No pet rock?” lol He didn’t find it funny. He hung his head and I could feel from him how alone he felt. I told him, “You won’t be alone. We will ALL be with you.”

Considerations

I woke up with the first two dreams on my mind despite them being earlier in the night. I knew the movie theater scene was intense and indicative of an intense heart connection. The dream after indicated that there was a connection, too, but with someone younger than me – 9 years perhaps.

Then I considered the tarot reading I gave myself indicating a “moral” situation would arise. My mind went to all the scenarios I could conjure. It seemed like I was to meet someone and they would be younger than me. This I don’t want.

An in-between “dream” came to mind from January, 2018 where I was shown three men. I don’t believe I wrote it down in this blog so I will include it now:

I was in the middle of my mom’s living room. To my right, sitting on the sofa, was a dark haired man wearing a dark t-shirt and blue jeans. He was very lean and seemed tall. I knew him to be a man of few words.

To my left was a younger man who was fair haired and quite intent on winning my affections. I knew him to be much younger than myself and it felt like he followed me around like a puppy dog. It was quite a turn-off because, though I was flattered, I was not interested in him. He was too naive and inexperienced. I thought of him only as a friend.

I was sitting on a sofa that is not in my mom’s living room in real life. To my right was the man from an earlier dream. I could see him clearly. He had reddish blonde hair and acne scars on his cheeks.

A young, dark haired boy around 13 years old was talking to me. He pointed to the dark haired man and said, “Isn’t that ______?” He gave the man a name that sounded Spanish in origin. All I remember now it that it started with an S. We talked about him for a bit and I remember saying that “S” didn’t talk much and was very intense. His personality was not suited for me as a potential partner because I liked to have long philosophical conversations (lol) and needed someone who would carry on conversations that sometimes lasted for hours.

Also, I sensed from “S” that he was interested in me but not pursuing me. Very nonchalant in his demeanor. The message from him was, “If you want to be with me, you have to pursue me. I won’t pursue you and am completely happy without you.” He was projecting this attitude with so much force it was like he was trying to convince himself of it. This was a turn-off to me because I need to feel desired. My suitor should pursue me at least a little bit. It can’t be a one-sided thing. Plus, the attitude of “I’m happy with or without you” repelled me. I need to be needed – my purpose is “to help” – and his attitude said, “I don’t need you” – his energy practically screamed it.

The dark haired boy then said, “What about him?” I looked at the young fair haired boy and saw him in a car (life path) driving on a highway. He seemed to be traveling parallel to me (parallel path to my own). I could see him inside the car only the back end of it was missing (incomplete path) and the front dash (interested in status and goals) was much longer than what a real car’s would be. I knew the “kid” was reckless and determined in his affections and that his interest was in me. He was too young for me, though, and I could sense his expectations and desires. It didn’t feel like he was only focused on the pursuit of me but more like he was nearing obsession and unable to control himself or his emotions.

I told the dark haired boy almost immediately, “No.” lol I knew I should stay far away from that boy.

All that was left was the man I was sitting next to. I snuggled close to him and felt safe. There was an odd feeling that though he was not my first choice he was a good choice. I could not determine much about his personality from his energy other than the “safe” feeling. His energy felt like cool, calming water washing over me.

There is more about the above dream but I won’t go into the details other than to say this was a glimpse into the planning of my future in this body. Contracts were being “reviewed” and I was being shown both past and future (pending) contracts.

When I woke this morning I put 2 and 2 together. I think I am being prepped for meeting the young “boy” mentioned in the dream from January.

This morning my main worry was about encountering someone with whom I have a strong heart connection with. If I should meet such a person I am not sure how I will react nor do I know if I can go through it again.

I heard from my guidance, “Weak” in response to my worry and knew that I was/am. If around someone with whom I have such a connection on a regular basis I think it would be very difficult to control myself.

I hope the “moral” dilemma apparent in the first tarot spread does not test me to the point that I cannot resist the advances of this man (if that is what it is). Based upon the dream insight about the young man, he will not give up easily. I could sense his pursuit of me and his obsessiveness. Not attractive or good. I hope it doesn’t arise from my response to him indicating my own interest and openness to explore our connection. That would mean it would all be my fault for leading him on. However, I may not have much control over that because if it is a Kundalini connection the young man may be pulled in and obsessive because of that.

I will take the tarot spreads and last night’s dream as a warning and “heads up”. When/where this will happen, IDK but my guidance made sure to tell me, “When you meet you will Know.” Yeah. Another one of those messages! I will likely be caught completely off guard. God.

As I lingered in bed I had a vision of a bath tub full of clear water. My first thought was “emotion” but then it could also be cleansing. It just added to the overall message. Emotional intensity. Test. Connection. Moral dilemma.

Decision

My first decision in response to this information was to tell my husband about my dream, the tarot spreads and what I believe my guidance is telling me. I made this decision because previously I did not do this and it blew up in my face. So, if there is another heart connection on the horizon I will be completely open and honest with my husband about it from the get-go. My intention is to make it known to this guy right away that I am absolutely not interested in exploring the connection. NOT AT ALL. I will be nice about it but I refuse a repeat of the past.

Interestingly, my husband’s response was, “What I am getting is that this is going to catch you completely off guard.” LOL I said, “Yeah, most likely.” He then expressed how he believes that such an encounter will only strengthen our relationship. Whether he will respond in such a way when/if such a connection comes about, I don’t know but I have hope.

Of course this could all be nothing and a test in and of itself. I will put it on “the shelf” and leave it for now and continue to pray that no such “test” is coming anytime soon.

 

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New Job, Dreams and Spreads

This week has been busy. I started working full-time as a payroll “assistant” at my husband’s place of employment on Monday. To go from two years as a stay-at-home-mom where my schedule was whatever I made it to waking early, working 8 hours, and returning home to mommy duties has been an adjustment. It wasn’t until Thursday that I started feeling somewhat “normal” in terms of mental clarity, alertness, focus, etc.

As I suspected, my job duties are very easy and mostly “mindless” in that I don’t have to think much to complete them. Lots of data entry of invoices, receipts and basic bookkeeping in Quickbooks. I catch on fast at any job and have already learned the basics to the point of needing little to no help when I encounter the varying hiccups that are an anticipated part of the job. In all my work experience one of the issues that plagues me is that I am very efficient to the point that I complete my work way ahead of schedule and end up with nothing to do. Therefore, I end up doing other people’s jobs to stay productive. Already I have done HR paperwork for a new hire because of this. lol

My husband is technically my boss (yeah) so he is enjoying having me as his trainee, making sure to teach me as much as he can about every aspect of the business above and beyond simple bookkeeping/payroll. We commute to and from work together and take lunch together. This is good in that I don’t have to drive and deal with Austin rush-hour traffic but not so good because my husband talks the entire commute (maybe 8 minutes total sometimes more). Already I have had to tell him that I might need to drive separate from him because I prefer listening to music to talking/chit-chat. I swear his continuous conversation was painful on Wednesday. Actually, all communication was painful Wed/Thurs. Perhaps an astrological event or something? Who knows.

The work environment is super laid back – I love it! I can wear shorts and t-shirts (which I do) and the pace is perfect – not to fast or slow. The women I work with are older (Boomers) and so very easy to get along with. So far no gossip or passive-aggressiveness from either of them. The receptionist is younger but I rarely interact with her. In fact, I rarely interact with anyone which is so awesome! I can’t even begin to tell you how wonderfully freeing it is to not have that kind of burden on my shoulders. No parents bitching or kids whining or administrators watching me all the time – just me and the “ladies” doing our jobs as “equals”.

There are no restrictions on overtime either nor is anyone going to question me if I don’t work a full eight hours as long as I get my work done. The lady training me said I can absolutely work from home once I am trained and feel confident about my work. I suspect I will be able to do this once school starts so that I can continue to watch my youngest during his last year at home. Again, another huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

The pay is ridiculously low compared to my potential. I am bringing home less than half of what I would if I were working as a school counselor. Plus, I don’t get the paid time off (no more summer breaks!) yet, though I do get two weeks at Christmas. To give you an idea of the difference, when I worked part-time as a school counselor I was paid more monthly than I will be at this full-time job.

Honestly, though, I would rather work a low-stress, lower paying, mostly mindless job full-time with good people and few public interactions than go back to a full-time, school counseling or teaching job. The stress and burden of responsibility is just not worth it.

Dreams 

I mostly forget my dreams upon waking but there are always exceptions. One night this week I woke up crying from a dream in which I had been encouraging a specific young man to be his best self and he kept purposefully creating roadblocks and being an overall ass. In the end I was so upset by his intention to fail that I began to cry at the loss of his potential. That same night I had also had dreams of my older sister and I think the young man represented her.

Two nights ago I had a very long dream about taking the “TAKS” test (may mean “task”) with my husband. It had been “8 years” since the last test (which I passed). I recall taking the new test and getting to the third and last section of the test which was a map of Europe that had very little detail (still trying to find my path). The instructions were to fill in the Legend with appropriate symbols and their meanings. I was also asked to draw in red the routes between locations. I had trouble reading the map and distinguishing features (confused about what I want). My contacts were not clear (not seeing something) and I asked the proctor about it, telling him I needed to take them out. He gave me a blown up image of the map which didn’t help. I ended up taking out my contacts and setting them on the table. My vision was clearer then but the map still made no sense. The instructions spoke of Germany and France but the map looked like a big blob. I eventually gave up and just turned in the test. I picked up my contacts and put them back in my eyes. I felt exhausted. Then the proctor graded the test. I realized I had not filled in anything, saying, “Oh no! I forgot to write some answers.”  He told me he could not give it back so I accepted my fate. At the end of the dream he showed me my results. I had a 100% on the first test. A 70% on the second and a 58% on the last. I remember seeing my last result in red ink and circled. Funny, the average is 76, so I didn’t fail overall yet in the dream I felt I had.

The entire dream my husband was happily walking around, confident that he had passed and finishing well ahead of me.

My first thought upon waking was that I was retaking a test I took 8 years ago – relearning lessons and all that “fun” stuff. Thinking back to 2010 I don’t remember much in the way of life tests. I wasn’t blogging back then so I really have no idea what was going on or how I was managing. Oh well.

Spiritual 

When I am busy working a full-time job I don’t have time to think or even focus at all on much except what I have to get done here in this physical reality. I tend to overlook the spiritual, sweep things under the rug and just ignore things I normally wouldn’t (like dreams and syncs). Despite this, syncs and messages are still coming through.

For example, today I was shopping for groceries and a song was playing that I have only ever heard via a particular friend of mine. I added it to my ITunes and so hear it shuffle through randomly when/if I play music in the car. I have not heard it play in ages but when it came over the speakers in the store I stopped in my tracks, recognized it and thought about my friend. I walked to the end of the isle and there, staring me in the face was my friend’s name (er well pseudonym) written on a bottle. I laughed and went on my way but not without first pausing and getting a strange feeling I cannot describe.

I’ve also had moments at work when random words/thoughts pop into my head out of the blue. They are so out of place that I know they are not mine. I believe I am picking up the thoughts of others there or maybe it is Spirit, it is hard to know without tuning in, which I don’t do.

Similarly, I keep feeling like someone is standing at the door watching me and I will turn and see movement but no one is there. It has been so frequent that I am starting to get a tad bit annoyed. lol

Overall, though, I have not had the time or energy to put much attention on the spiritual. I am still doing yoga every day, though not without difficulty because it is so early in the morning (I am NOT a morning person), but I have not been meditating because when I go to bed I drift off to sleep within 5 minutes (unheard of for me).

Mostly I am noticing an inability to manage lengthy conversations without feeling physically uncomfortable and irritable. I literally want to run – RUN – away. At work I feel faint and sick to my stomach sometimes if I stay in a conversation too long. At home I am having to really work hard to avoid snapping and hurting someone’s feelings. This morning my daughter was talking so much I thought I might lose it. She was happy and giddy and obviously saying every single thing that popped into her mind. Her talking was painful to endure.

Lately, I have thoughts like this during conversations: “This is taking way too long. It shouldn’t take this long to share thoughts. I hate this….” LMAO

I mean really, why do we feel we have to use so many words anyway? And why do we talk about pointless things all the time? So.much.noise.

I just want everyone to shut up. Okay? LOL

Ya’ll get it…..anyway……

With some downtime today I have had moments of energy surges down my spine at various time (like in the grocery store). Probably because I have more time/energy to notice it. Ultimately I decided to draw some cards for myself asking my guides, “Show me what I need to know.” I drew one card and then after asked, “Elaborate” and got the rest.

Here they are:

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Osho Zen Tarot – The Lovers, The Dream, Playfulness (reversed), Courage

The first card gave me a nice energy rush up the spine as did the rest. I have not really put much into reading them. I think the message pretty obvious. If you know me and my story then so will you. If not, then use your imagination I guess. lol

I did another spread asking my guidance, “Show me what is coming for me”. This is what I got:

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Osho Zen Tarot – Diamond Spread. Participation, Turning In, The Miser (reversed), Morality, Exhaustion

This spread doesn’t look too good. Yay….ugh. The center card is the present. It is accurate in that it indicates that I am participating in life, in the “game” here in physicality. Finally (say my guidance). lol The card on the left is what is behind me – a period of contemplation and rest; a reprieve from the hassles of the workaday world and a much needed time to recuperate and contemplate life. The Miser card (reversed) is the future or can also be what is known. This card often relates to money. In reverse it means the opposite of miserly – so spending freely and perhaps too much. Considering recent events and financial decisions I can see spending freely as an outcome. The bottom card is the transition or what leads to the last card. Morality is often a card that comes up when a big decision is being made, a decision that has moral implications attached in some way, shape or form. It can also indicate a choice or path that tests one’s morals. The phrase, “Damn’d if I do, damn’d if I don’t” comes to mind. The final card is the outcome which is Exhaustion. The Exhaustion card means all reserves are used up and there is overwhelm.

So considering I asked “What’s coming for me” and got this, I can say, “OMG just shoot me now”or I can say, “Guess I need to make a different decision when that moral issue arises.” Hoping I can spot it and avoid exhaustion. I do like spending money, though….. 🙂

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Rebirth and Inner Conflict

Rebirth. The messages continue to inundate my dreams. Last night I dreamed of a special plant that had giant seed pods on it. Each pod contained a beautiful cantaloupe orange fruit and a fully formed newborn baby. The plant itself completely dried up when the fruits were ripe. The whole dream centered around this fruit, it’s amazing taste (I ate some) and the babies that it birthed.

Babies everywhere: Rebirth. New opportunities.

In another dream I was dying my hair rainbow colors. It was twisted up tightly in a french braid.

Rainbow braid: I’m trying very hard to be optimistic, strong, confident and courageous right now.

Someone mentioned to me recently that there are currently 5 planets retrograde. I don’t know if this is true but I feel completely retrograded at the moment and it is only getting worse the closer I get to my solar return (Aug 4th). I would describe how I feel as exhausted – mentally, physically, emotionally. I sleep very deeply every night and my dreams dissipate upon waking except for a few strange images and symbols, left for my inspection I am sure. Like babies and fishing…and cryptic messages like, “This is it”. I often wake from these dreams with a decision. For example, after the cryptic message I felt I needed to take a break from everything internet related, be more real in my interactions and step away from all things spiritual. I nearly deleted all social media account apps from my phone after that, but didn’t. I figured it would just another fickle moment and I would change my mind again and again regardless, which I have more than once. I’m really messed up in that regard right now. I can’t seem to make up my mind about anything. I hate indecision.

Remember the dream I posted where there was a battle between Jupiter and Mars? I think it may have been a warning of an internal battle I was to fight in the future. This morning I read this post indicating that Mars is really close to Earth right now, a
“fifteen year approach”. The post also mentions we are going through a rebirth which I am certain is no coincidence considering all the baby symbolism and direct message of “you are being reborn” I’ve been getting.

The whole post seems to perfectly describe what I am going through right now, but specifically this:

The five-year Moira-Chaos Cycle is about how much Choice we put into Reaching for our Dreams, and on a deeper level, whether we even Give Ourselves Permission to Dream, or just let our Karmic Limitations control the Edges of our Life.  Nothing we can do about it, it’s just The Way It Is.  We can fantasize all we want, but on this Planet, those are just Immature Longings.  Just think how much it would Disrupt our nicely organized Life if we followed those Longings.  We’d probably be arrested, and certainly ostracized.  Those Longings aren’t even Real, they’re too weird.

That’s the way we Justify our Limits to ourself so we don’t have to take a Risk and Break Out.  That’s our Choice, isn’t it.  To not rock the boat, to not be Crazy.  To not Betray anyone.  Except Ourself.  It’s easier to leave those dead fronds on the Palm Tree, isn’t it.  That ladder looks dangerous.  God, they’ll Freak Out, won’t they.

♥ So, we’re Stuck, aren’t we.  We can’t Betray our Commitments – what will that do to our Karma?  And we can’t Betray Ourself – our Deepest Desires are too Deep to Let Go.  What can we do?

All of the above describes my inner “fight” right now. My inner dialogue is something like: “Follow my heart/longing….no, wait, don’t. Stay where I am….. God. I’m stuck. I have to stay because…(blah, blah, blah).” All this is intermixed with a longing I cannot describe except to say that it is like a magnet at times but my response to it is always, “Not yet. I can’t yet.” It is so infuriating and…exhausting.

Jupiter Facts for Kids | Cool2bKids

A sneak peak at my astrological year (2018) said that I would experience a “mid-life crisis” and supported all of the indecisiveness and inner conflict I’ve been experiencing this year. The horoscope suggests I not make any hasty decisions and ride out this year without making any drastic moves. It suggests I really think about career moves and any move I make before I make it. Thinking now, though, leads to indecision mostly. I am pulled in two directions always making a decision seem impossible. My interpretation of this feeling is to do nothing; make no change.

I have already recognized that I am struggling to reconcile the completion of “karmic” contracts with an intense longing that pulls me away. The two tugging me in opposite directions. Constantly. It is agonizing at times. It would be nice to be out on that boat on the bay again, lulled into serenity by the gentle waves. Sigh.

Ultimately we have to just let go and allow the process to unfold, and that is what I am doing. The job I mentioned previously which had seemed to be dematerializing has presented itself for my taking  – which I already knew would happen so was not concerned really. I am not surprised that this path presents itself at this time in my life. I had asked for work that could help pave a path away from my previous career path – education – and that would open doors to me working from home. This job does everything I asked for. All I have to do is accept it and show up for work with my husband in the morning. I am not excited, though. I had hoped for work far away from home and family, something to give me an excuse to leave and relieve myself from my karmic responsibilities. This does none of those things. If anything it leads to resolution of some of that karma.

Similarly, I have chosen not to go to Atlanta in the Fall. I can go another year or to another seminar. There is one in Boulder next year if I want to go. I can’t go to Atlanta for various reasons. Mainly, I can’t go because the feelings that arise from just the idea of going are too chaotic and unstable. I would not be balanced if I went, that is obvious to me. The inner “fight” would be prolonged if I went.

The solution is given in the post I linked above. Ask for both karmic debts to be paid and inner longings to be met. Then trust that it will be. I have been asking this for some time and if I look into my core Self I know that it will be as I have asked. I just need to be patient, follow the path ahead using my heart as a compass, and keep the faith. But my human self views time as her enemy, as something she is working against. Evidence of it everywhere – my body aging by the day, skin sagging, more aches and less vibrancy; desire is diminished; apathy setting in with each mundane task that must be completed.

Life truly is a fight right now for me. Or a test. However you put it, it is difficult.

Mid-life crisis. LOL

 

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Home from Vacation

We returned home last night from South Padre Island. The trip overall was a success with some minor hiccups along the way. My husband left our 10-year-old daughter to make the reservations and did not double check them before booking. This left us with less than ideal sleeping quarters but it was workable.

Four full days of beach time was a bit too much so I suggested we take advantage of some other activities available on the island. I mostly wanted to take advantage of the perfect conditions and go fishing. The entire time we were there the weather was mild with temps in the mid-80’s, the water was very clear (unusual) and the winds calm. The water was so clear that we could see fish swimming under our feet when were swimming! It reminded me of the waters in the Caribbean and Australia.

So, we booked a dolphin sunset tour for the third night and a bay fishing excursion the next morning. We had considered a deep sea fishing trip but it took half a day and our children would likely not do well for such a long period of time. The bay fishing was 4 hours and in shallower water.

The kids really enjoyed the dolphin cruise. Though they had never been on a boat of that size (only kayaks) none were nervous and we had no sea sickness. The dolphins showed up enough that my youngest kept yelling, “Mommy! I saw a shark! I saw it’s fin!” lol He eventually realized it was not a shark toward the end. 🙂

We got to see a beautiful sunset over the bay as well on that trip.

The next morning we rose early and I was able to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I didn’t get much sleep the entire trip so waking early was no issue. For some reason I struggled to get to sleep while there. When I started to drift off I’d wake suddenly in a panic, my heart racing. I have no idea why this happened.

The fishing trip was fun but my oldest and youngest both had full-on panic attack episodes over the waves rocking the boat. My oldest recovered to the point of actually catching almost as many fish as me. My youngest took longer. He had to sit in the captain’s cabin to recover. We caught lots of fish. I lost count of how many I caught but among them were sand trout, whiting, catfish and a black tipped shark (oh and one crab but that doesn’t count). Adrian caught four keepers and we ended up with enough fish to have fish tacos for lunch. None of the fish were very big but it was still fun.

While on the boat I was in heaven. I could have stayed out on the water all day. The rocking of the boat caused me no issues whatsoever which was a surprise. I am prone to seasickness. The weather was so mild, the water blue and the skies cloud-free. The rocking of the boat was relaxing to the point that I found myself in a kind of meditative state. I remember daydreaming about living there and working on a boat. I told my husband I wish I could have stayed out on the water all day every day. The only thing missing was catching a bigger fish, one that gave a good fight. I suggested to my husband that we take a trip, just the two of us, and fish the entire time. That would be so awesome. I doubt it will ever happen. He is not into fishing like I am. 😦

Something odd that happened after the fishing trip was that for the next 24 hours whenever I would close my eyes I could still feel the boat rocking in a very real way. My oldest two children complained about the feeling. I actually liked it. It felt somewhat like I was plastered drunk without the sick/spinning part anyway. Unfortunately, it kept me from falling asleep. I didn’t really mind, though.

The other part of the trip that I enjoyed was being in the water and floating on my back while the waves rocked me back and forth. This particular beach was perfect because of the sand bars. They broke up the typical riptides making for perfect swimming conditions. We could go out hundreds of feet from the beach without worry of being swept away. The sand bars extended even further than that.

As I assumed would happen, the drive to and from South Padre was the most challenging. We rented a Dodge Caravan so the kids could move around freely and boy did they ever. Moments of quiet were rare. Fights broke out often and my husband insisted on chatting throughout. I just wanted silence or music. I didn’t get my way. 😦 Eventually, I just laughed through the crazy moments, poking fun at myself for being irritated at my kids for being kids. I thought to myself, “If I had gone on this trip without them I would miss this chaos and their energy.” I ended up laughing so hard I cried one time because Elek kept screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason at all except to scream.

Here are some photos of the trip.

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Nothingness

Me and my family are about to leave on a short vacation to South Padre Island. We leave tomorrow and don’t return until next Thursday. The vacation was planned last minute, an idea of my husband’s to act as a kind of salve to sooth recent family upset and turmoil.

I am not really looking forward to the trip except the part where I get to be on the beach. There has been major tension within my marriage and sweeping it under the rug will not resolve it. To be honest I have been avoiding writing about my marriage and family issues. At this time, however, I think I at least need to give you all the heads up. It will help fill in the blanks regarding some of my dream posts and my overall withdrawal from my blog.

To add to the mess, our finances are no better and if anything showing signs of worsening. In the past I would step up, suck it up, get a job and bail us out, but at present I am unwilling – and perhaps unable – to do this. The material universe just doesn’t have the same appeal to me that it use to.

Previously, the consideration that money = freedom would always help push me into agreement with the rest of the world to work a job and ultimately become a slave to the system. Now, though, a part of me would not be upset if we had to file bankruptcy and lost everything we have. To lose my house and all my belongings creates a sense of relief from the burdens of responsibility that go along with them. There are days I dream of traveling, sleeping in a tent and waking up to the sounds of nature all around me.

I have been identifying my feeling as “apathy” but upon further inspection I don’t think that is what it is at all. It seems more a form of rebellion. If that is true, then it is much better than I thought because rebellion leads to change of condition, possibility and growth.

This summer seems to be pushing my buttons all at once. I mentioned earlier that I feel tested. That is an understatement! The tests I have written about are just scratching the surface. All my life I have been in conflict with myself but right now it is really getting intense! I am struggling to stick with what my gut tells me to do when another part of me is screaming to do everything but that. That other part feels like she is caged. I sense a roaring lion clawing at my insides. She says, “LET ME OUT!” I say, “No. Not yet. Calm down.” lol

I really, really want to be that lion right now. I want to roar at the top of my lungs, to finally be heard and walk away from anything and anyone that has wronged me. But that part of me can really hurt others and mess things up if she is unleashed at the wrong time. She has to remain caged. But OMG it is so hard.

Maybe this trip to the beach will be helpful? Perhaps the beach is just what I need? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to stick to this path and see it through. I wish I knew what all that entailed, but I don’t. I am being asked to Trust, to follow my heart/gut/core. So that is what I do. I have to be at ease with the not knowing, with that sense of nothingness ahead of me. Previously I saw a path ahead but now I understand that path was formed from expectation and anticipation which created an illusory safety net. The reality is the nothingness. The discomfort with the nothingness will disappear with acceptance and surrender. Then clarity will come.

This is just a process, and, yes, a test.

Zitate, Herz and Osho on Pinterest

 

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Dreamwork and Tests

Lots of dreams to recount.

Dream: Gift House

This was the longest dream of the night. At the beginning I was in labor (hard work ahead) and women were tending to me. They were telling me it had to go a certain way, that everything would be okay and to let them handle everything. It hard to recall what the “certain way” was but there were specific rules. I felt forced by the rules and demanding to be left alone. There is mild discomfort felt in the dream but it is also hard to recall. There was also mention of absolutely no medical intervention being allowed.

After the labor scene I was recovering (no baby in sight) and handed a card (surprises ahead). The card was enormous, at least 8 feet high. It was also beautiful with colorful artwork from cover to cover. There were signatures from people I know in real life, people I have met in person and also on the internet. Most I have memories of helping or assisting in some way. I referred to them as my spiritual circle, my mind going to a specific circle I was part of early on in my awakening. I knew I had missed many meetings yet they still remembered me. I got emotional, shedding a few tears. I felt very loved.

There was a male presence assisting me to read the card. It was a reading provided by a very revered medicine man. He had drawn the card as part of my reading. I said, “Too bad it doesn’t say what it means.” The man seemed to indicate it did and I saw there was an explanation at the bottom with the symbols and their corresponding meanings. I only remember the symbols were unfamiliar, like mythical or made-up creatures. One was a water animal resembling a cross between a whale(intuition, emotion) and a manatee. The explanation had something to do with water, diving deep and coming to the surface and being of two worlds.

Then the letter was opened up into a partially constructed log cabin. I stepped inside it as if crossing through a portal. The cabin (success via ones own means) was very small and not yet complete. The walls were up but you could see through the boards. I remember walking through it in awe thinking how perfect it was and commenting about the walls needing to be “sealed”.

I went upstairs and noted two small bedrooms both with closets. Downstairs was a small living area and across from it an unfinished area that I assumed was the master bedroom (intimate self). There was a section for a garage but it was not yet built as if I could decided to add one if I wanted – or not. The master bedroom was the main focus and I was talking to the man about where to construct the walls to separate it from the living room. There was an ornate bronze metal post in one area that acted as a support beam that could not be moved. It was significant in the dream, special as if a statue of some sort.

There was discussion with the man for a while about this house. He told me it was my gift. The feeling was that my spiritual circle wanted me to have it. There are many flashes of piles of logs for the cabin waiting to be placed. There is also a flash of a large bear (independence, strength, death/renewal) standing on his hind legs. The statue maybe? Or something else?

sea cow - Caribbean Dictionary

Considerations

The dream felt significant so I couldn’t return to sleep. When I woke from the dream I heard, “We love you.” I remember various other messages. One was, “Strong woman”. Another was a song, If You Leave, specifically, “Heaven knows what happens now.” There was a sense that this “gift” was an opportunity. In fact the word, “opportunity”, kept repeating. I was also told, “Remember your heart.”

Houses are the Self in dreams. So was this gift a gift of Self? A new version waiting for the finishing touches? And why was the master bedroom not yet walled in? The bedroom is the private self but a master bedroom can be partnerships, like a marriage or relationship.

Dream: Alternate Realities

Upon returning to sleep I was shown various alternate realities to the life I am currently experiencing. I seemed to be selecting them and viewing them. One in particular depicted a very different outcome to the life I have now. In it I married my current husband and we had a daughter together. Then, for some reason or another, we divorced and our other two children were never conceived. I was able to inspect what caused the split. I viewed various scenes of arguments we had. What I concluded was that I was more outspoken, less cooperative in general and unwilling to “lose” a fight. My husband was similar to how he is now in his response to my stubbornness but because I never yielded and let him win, refusing to see his side of things, he often became enraged and ultimately put up a block to me emotionally. My selfish and stubborn choices ultimately resulted in the dissolution of our relationship.

There was no judgment here. I could see how I might respond in such a way. Stubborn and pig headed are good descriptors of me in my younger years. In fact, I am still very resistant but have soften substantially and learned many lessons over the years (in this life scenario anyway).

I also viewed a life trajectory where my husband and I split up and then reunited years later. And there was yet another life where we stayed married until we were very old and death was the cause of our separation.

I believe this dream was the result of a FB conversation I had yesterday about alternate realities. The sense was that what we choose to experience is only one out of many possible scenarios available to us.

selflove

Dream: Other Life

This dream seemed to be of another life altogether. In it I was with a man. We were actors playing the role of being in love. We often kissed and made love “on screen”. The man was extremely tall and broad shouldered with medium blonde hair. He had a deep voice that, to me, was very sexy (and somewhat familiar). During one of our kissing scenes I realized that I was attracted to my play partner and in love with him. This recognition caused me to look forward to every scene in which we kissed or had sexual relations. I shifted from being an actress into personifying my role.

I shifted into a scene where my partner took me to a gathering. It felt like an obligation and I was not looking forward to it. The place and people we visited had different rules and beliefs to our own. They were emotionally stiff and lived a simple life. They seemed similar to Puritans.

While sitting at a table my partner wandered off. Later, a man came up and told me that my partner had connected with his old friend again. Turns out it was a male friend and they were sexually involved. I didn’t care that he had done this and waited for his return.

There is a scene where I am looking through a refrigerator for food, specifically a burrito. I ended up putting two chicken (cowardice) strips in the oven and never finding the burrito (efficiency).

At the end of the dream I am laying in bed and my partner returns. I ask him how he enjoyed sex with a man, asking him specific questions. lol We laugh about the whole topic, him scooping me up in his arms and kissing me. I could feel our connection strongly in the dream, like a warm breeze that wrapped around me. I felt safe and secure in his arms and a beautiful friendship and deeply devoted love radiated from my heart. He threaded his fingers through my own and held my hand. The last thing I recall is a flash of the country scene through the window above the bed, feeling his hand in my own and the love in my heart.

Of course, the feeling woke me up. I could still feel him next to me. It was so very real!

Discussion

My partner in spirit spoke with me for some time after. I recall him mentioning June 20th as connected to what is currently happening now. He also reminded me that the love and connection I felt in the dream is always there. I remember being upset by the fact that this place (physical experience) makes it so very difficult to remember and feel that love and Divine connection. I remember us discussing my wanting to abort, to leave early, and him reassuring me and telling me, “We will help you.”

June 20th

Curious about the date I was given and what, if any, significance it has, I looked in my private blog for any posts on that date. Of course, I found one! Here is part of it:

This dream started out with my ex-husband visiting me. It felt like he was returning to see if he and I could resume a relationship. His interest was a curiosity to me and it seemed like I was encouraging him to explore the option more. The main topic of discussion was his old pick-up (hard work), well two of them. When we met he had a red Nissan pick-up and then acquired a black Nissan pick-up later. I was asking him questions about the red one and trying to retrieve it to get it in working order. There was mention of selling it, too. In and among all this I was looking over my mom’s checkbook, balancing it. She ended up with only $40 left in her account.

Then I recall being inside a public bathroom (cleansing and clarity). I was in one of the stalls and there were numerous other stalls. Some women were brought in and I recognized they were being escorted in. The feeling here was that I wanted privacy.

The scene shifted and I was being taken into a processing or in-take center along with hundreds of other people, all adults. It was inside a large church (seeking guidance) and sometimes it shifted to be a Wal-Mart. I think this came from the many posts on FB I have been reading about illegals and their families being separated.

The main feeling I had was confusion. One minute I was living life and the next I was transported to an unfamiliar place with tons of other people. I had no idea where I was or where I was going or what was going to happen to me. I felt disoriented because of it and worried/anxious.

Everyone was separated by gender. I was taken with the other women and told to sit. I had in my hands a blue folder that was full of some of my information (clinging to my identity), places I had worked, old resumes, and other odds and ends. I held onto it happy that I had it with me. The information I had was that we were going to be transplanted, given jobs and new lives. I panicked a bit thinking of the type of work I would be given – substitute teacher, cashier, etc. I told the man who gave me my info packet, “I don’t have to work. My husband makes enough for our family.” He responded as if I was crazy saying, “We understand. You will be given an appropriate job. Don’t worry.” I kept thinking I didn’t want to work and worried about how I could get out it.

An older woman sat down next to me and I watched as she seemed to take it all in alongside me. The announcer was telling us to wait our turns and explaining that all would be provided for and be safe.

We were then eating dinner but I don’t recall eating, just the end. A person came by the take up our used dishes and took my water. I objected and he gave me the water to my right. I told him it wasn’t mine and he said it didn’t matter. He then gave me a canned sweet tea (contentment). I wondered why anyone would put sweet tea in a can. It didn’t appeal to me.

The older woman was still next to me and we were discussing our families and how to reconnect. For some reason my sister’s ex-husband’s name came to mind and I began to call out to see if anyone from that family was there with us. I walked around a bit but got no answers. I complained saying, “How can we ever find family when we are separated like this?” The separation was that the cafeteria (issues eating me up inside) room we were in was separate from the other rooms.

Then we were sitting on pews and someone was talking again. He was asking us to fill out our packets and explaining that we were receive our placements soon. I looked up at the ceiling and saw a section that might fall. I mentally pulled it down but it changed nothing. No one noticed.

One woman received her placement. She was being sent to Canada. I thought, “Wow. That is far away.” There was talk that if our family came to get us then we were be entrusted to their care and not have to be placed. I wondered if my family knew where I was. I hoped they would come get me but couldn’t figure how they would find me. Another woman mentioned that she got her placement but that her bus didn’t come until 12:30. She asked when that was and was told, “Good luck. That’s a late one.”

The announcer gave further instructions about the paperwork. He sat on a pew and said that we would put our two packets in piles, one on either side of him. He didn’t ask us to line up and I knew it would take a while for everyone to get their packets to him. His last instruction was that, in order to get an appropriate placement, we needed to pick a movie character that we would want to be. There was mention of an old movie from 1976 (year of my birth) and I thought it disagreeable, wondering why he would use it as an example.

In a panic to figure out what character to choose I thought of all the movie characters that might suit me. For some reason I came up with The Sound of Music and struggled to remember the main character’s name. I remembered in the end writing down, “Maria: The Sound of Music.”

When I woke I was still in a panic as it all felt very real. Like I had just been picked up and dropped in an unfamiliar place awaiting my fate. I felt powerless because I could not find anything or anyone that was familiar to me. My family was gone, unreachable. I was about to be placed somewhere and given a job. In my life I didn’t have to work yet I was to be put to work somewhere, to be given a new identity and life. It scared me.

Mostly I wondered why I chose Maria from The Sound of Music as my character. Did I want to be a nun that fell in love and left the church to raise all those kids and commit to her love? Did that somehow mean I was to be placed in a family and have to learn to love the children and their father? Was it somehow representative of my current situation? It seemed so.

Other Considerations

I can’t help but wonder about the purpose of all this dreamwork. The word, “opportunity” continues to come up yet I have this dead-end feeling following me around. I am familiar with the feeling so it is barely noticeable, but I do sense it. I continue to feel like I need to be doing something but then I lose interest or things don’t turn out. I don’t care how they turn out, which is an odd feeling to get use to. Normally I would be upset if I worked toward something and it fell apart. Now I am not phased by such things.

Lately, I have noticed a trend. A door seems to open to me in life, I go through it and then find it closes on me (not the right door). This is specifically noticed in regards to career. For example, I felt drawn to apply for the job at Vitamin Shoppe so I did. I went through the entire process only to have a position 30 minutes away offered, which was not a good fit for me. Then I went through the entire Tinkergarten hiring process (took me over a month to complete) only to be told in the end that they were full and would consider me for future openings if I so desired. Then, just recently as mentioned in my last post, a door opened to working at my husband’s place of employment. I went in yesterday and filled out all the paperwork, assured of my position in pay. Then, when my husband informed his boss of my pay she objected. No agreement has been reached thus far so I don’t know what is going to happen. My husband says he is going to leave it to his boss and withdraw. He was very upset and wanting to quit over what she said to him, which, I must admit, was very unprofessional and rude.

Even with yesterday’s turn of events I am not upset. I don’t mind that I went through the entire hiring process to have a hiccup over pay stop everything. I think, “So what.” LOL It was the same with Tinkergarten. That was the longest ever hiring process! It included an actual demo class I had to organize from start to finish. In the end I didn’t care that all that hard work didn’t pay off. Instead, I saw it as a learning experience, something that focused my attention for a while.

And these experiences are not limited to career. I keep being confronted with relationship and life issues that push my buttons to the point that I think I need to take action. Yet my gut tells me, “No”. I follow it, the feeling fades and I shift back to total acceptance. It is a continual return to the lesson of surrender and acceptance.

It seems to me that I am being “tested” via these experiences. The questions being asked are, “Can Dayna follow through with her ‘instructions’ without expectation? Can she trust the process entirely without doubt or resistance?”

It makes me wonder what the next test will be? It will be what it will be. I trust that whatever the intent of the next door that it will be purposeful and that I may never know the actual purpose in the end.

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Insight via a Dream

It has been a long time since I’ve had a dream where I relived part of my high school “traumatic” experiences but last night I did.

Dream: Betrayed 

This dream began a bit hazily and then became more lucid as it progressed. In it I was in a school environment. My best friend from high school was the main focus. She had been avoiding me, hanging out with other people, and just dissing me in general.

There was a discussion going on throughout the dream but it was mostly in the background and I don’t recall specifics about it other than the dream itself. I believe I was participating in a life review of this specific event in my life. During life reviews we often return to the scene to re-experience it so that we are fully able to contact our thoughts and emotions. In turn we can view and analyze our lessons, look for life patterns, examine our growth and set goals for future life applications.

Through this life review I returned to my senior year in high school. I had been best friends with a girl for the entirety of high school. She was a Leo like me and we got along splendidly. We did everything together and she helped me to step outside my comfort zone. But during our last year in high school her parents got divorced and this upset her entire world. She began to seek out new friends, friends who experimented with drugs and alcohol. While at school she started to avoid hanging out with me and treated me very differently. She was stand-offish, quiet, and mostly practiced passive avoidance.

In the dream I was re-experiencing the time when I went to the cafeteria and she sat with a completely different group of people. She didn’t meet me at the normal time and I found her with a younger girl hanging out and laughing, etc. When I tried to converse with her she ignored me. It was obvious she wanted nothing to do with me so I sat at our usual table all alone wondering what was going on. I didn’t feel embarrassed just confused. I was completely happy to sit and eat alone.

In the dream I was in a cafeteria (issue eating me up inside)  watching a similar scene play out. I noticed how differently she treated me compared to others. She was very out-going and pleasant with everyone but when it came to me her energy was closed off and a bit haughty. As I observed this play out in the dream much emotion was present. I believe I was crying through most of the dream. Yet the reality of my behavior from that time was quiet, composed and, though confused, not emotionally upset. I loved my friend to the point that I forgave her assuming there was a logical explanation for her behavior.

In the dream I remember crawling into bed (private self, security) in the middle of the cafeteria. There was a portion where a band was playing music and the oboe (deep emotion) section was focused upon. It was like I was seeing my life as a symphony and focusing in on one instrument (feeling “played”).

I saw my friend sleep-walking (unaware) through the cafeteria but she was only that way toward me. With others she seemed to be playing a part – friendly, accommodating, everyone’s friend and confidant.

Then she was lying in bed next to me. I shoved three (three areas/people) cigarettes (dependency) into her mouth and lit them one by one. Then I decided to removed two (handled two issues) of them, fearing a fire (intense emotional upheaval, transformation) would start. I snuffed them out on a window (insight) sill where much trash (negative issues) had accumulated. I remember seeing the trash slowly burning (purification). There were no flames just red-orange edges to the crumpled paper.

My friend was awake, putting out the lit cigarettes. She said, “I don’t know how that got there.” A party with a big, white cake (accomplishments, need to allow others in) was being held for her. There were many people surrounding her. I got back into bed next to her and said something casual and she responded with disdain. I told her I wouldn’t bother her anymore and rolled over, my back to her. I burst into tears to the point that I could not breathe. I woke up crying.

Insight

Prior to bed I had asked for help in making a decision. Recently I was offered a job at my husband’s work. Their one payroll person is going to be out sick long-term, maybe even permanently. I have no experience in payroll but since they all know me at his work the boss was agreeable to my taking over. My husband has the ability to set my pay at whatever I want within means. So pay will be acceptable – likely $15-$18/hr. I agreed because it did not feel wrong to accept but I wanted clarity on my decision.

My goal is to get out of education. I am burned out and would like work that involves interaction with as few people as possible. Pretense exhausts me. Since my husband has a vast social network I figured he could help me get into a different type of work. Turns out the timing was perfect.

My dream might seem to be about a time in my life when I was betrayed by my best friend – and it was – but the underlying issues are what remained with me when I woke. I recognized that I created the problem by alienating people in high school via my blunt, often rude, speak-my-mind communication. I was selfish and cold, pushing people away and not caring about their feelings. I convinced myself that I didn’t need people, that I was happy enough alone – better off alone. All in all I still have that consideration. If given the choice of going to a party or staying home and watching a movie, I would choose the movie 8 out of 10 times. There are times I prefer groups, but not often. The older I get, the more I prefer to be with myself over other people.

I also recognized that I loved my friend. I loved her so much I was blind to her treatment of me. I made excuses for her, unwilling to see that she didn’t want me as her friend anymore. She had told me that she just wanted to expand her friend network, to explore different types of friendships and stop limiting herself to just me as her sole friend. I accepted this and understood but refused to read between the lines. Ultimately, I followed my friend to college where it became painfully obvious that she wanted nothing to do with me.

In analyzing my decisions at that time in my life I realized that I latched onto our friendship because I had no idea what I wanted in life and had no idea who I was. My friend did and so I followed her lead in everything. I figured if I didn’t know what to do with my life I could just take on someone’s else’s life goals and find happiness that way. When my friend alienated me I latched onto my ex-husband and followed him around. Four years after I left my ex I latched onto my current husband.

When I looked deeper I realized that I am still that girl. I have no idea who I am or what I want for the most part. I may have a better idea than I did in high school but I still prefer to take on another’s goals and purposes because it is “safe” and preferable to the unknown (me, my life, my desires and aspirations).

At a deep, soul level – if I look into my “core” – I sense a dependence upon others written into my “code” (for lack of a better word). It is like I have been programmed to need/rely on others/another as part of my purpose here. Objectively this does not feel “bad” or “good” to me. It just IS.

I am reminded of the number 20 which I touched upon in my last post. In numerology, “the essence of 20 is so much a part of the team it rarely considers the idea of operating by itself. In fact, it shies away from situations that would result in it being alone for an extended period of time, even if it would benefit itself.”

It turns out that if I use my Spirit name of Dayna Stone, my heart’s desire number is 2 which is essentially the same as 20.

Interestingly, my Human Design chart indicates I am a Projector which supports the number 2 in numerology and the general insights I gathered above.

Decision

Based upon my dream and the insights it provided it seems that my initial feelings toward this job are solid. There was no feeling of dis-ease related to the job. There was also no feeling of excitement. Instead it was a neutral sense of possibility. I thought, “I can do that job” and “This might work”.

Further discussions with my husband indicate that after an initial training period it would be conceivable to do my job from home. HUGE plus on my part. Even if I can do it partially from home it is better than other options where I have to commute to  an office environment every day.

Other pros:

  • Potential to earn overtime.
  • Potential for quick advancement into a “finance officer” position.
  • I can commute to work with my husband.
  • The office is only 6 miles from our home so I could potentially run or bike to work (unlikely but then who knows?).
  • The job does not require very much social interaction (big plus!).
  • The job is numbers-oriented (numbers are my friend) and requires a problem solver in regards to finance/numbers/bills (another thing I excel at).
  • My husband determines my pay (meaning I can get more than the average person).
  • My husband is my boss (could also be a con).
  • Potential to strengthen my relationship with my husband (or the opposite).
  • Gives me experience in a new field so that I can break away from the education field.

 

 

 

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More Money Messages and Dreams

In a previous post I was given a date in January. I knew it meant that I needed to refer back to January this year for information regarding my current inner healing work. There wasn’t much I could conclude from a quick review of that month, though. However, yesterday, while on a walk, not 100 yards from my front door, I saw a crumpled up mass of trash in the middle of the road. As I got closer I realized it was money – $20. This is the second time this year I have found money in the middle of the road. The last time was in…..January!

Of course I picked up the money and took it inside, once again thrilled at my “luck”. However, as I began to consider the “why” of it, my intuition was saying, “Pay attention.”

The previous amount I found was two $100 bills on the road parallel to each other. The message seemed to me to be related to the number 11 and the significance the number carries. It also seemed to represent two aspects of a whole – masculine and feminine – whole in themselves yet still connected. At the time of that money discovery the money came along with certain thoughts which also pointed to the message.

Similarly, the $20 bill on the road came after much consideration about relationships and partnerships, what I want, my own tendencies, etc. I had not been thinking of these things at the exact moment of discovery of the money, though. When I saw the money it was so crumpled that it was unrecognizable as money. Only upon close inspection did the $20 markings show. Anyone walking past would have thought it trash.

The number 20 is all about partnerships and relationships, romantic and otherwise. It carries with it a tendency of the individual who has been given this number to function best when in a partnership. It isn’t dependency but more that the individual is more capable when working as part of a team (partner or group). In contrast to the two $100 bills, which were separated, the $20 is whole in itself. The only thing that bothers me is the crumpled state of the money.

Then yesterday, on a walk in the same neighborhood, there was a $1 bill on the sidewalk. It looked brand new, all straight and crisp. My daughter was with me but didn’t see it until I had it in my hands. I said, “This must be for me!”  because, well, the universe keeps sending me money on my walks/runs. Three times this year, twice this week!

Upon inspection I realized some other things about the $1 bill:

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The letter in the circle on the left is significant. I exclaimed to my kids, “Look! It even has my name on it!”. I handed it to my kids who all wanted to touch it as if it was some kind of special $1. When I got it back I noticed it has 11’s on all four corners. I’d never noticed that on money before so I checked the cash in my wallet. It seems to be a $1 bill thing only. The number coincides with the letter in the circle – the 11th letter is K.

Something felt right about this message. I’m not exactly sure what, but it seemed to indicate that all is well, I’m on the right path and to trust my inner Knowing. There was also a thought that it represented a countdown of sorts. Everything about it screams solid foundations. Here is the numerological meaning of 1.

Aside from money finds, I’ve been having lots of interesting dreams, some disturbing and others that seem to be hinting at the future.

Dream: Foreign Gate 

I was a passenger on a very large airplane (higher awareness, new state of Being). It was so massive that there were three rows of seats and a divider with a door in the middle. As we entered I was asked to put my carry-on luggage (identity, security, responsibilities and burdens) away but could not find an overhead compartment for them. The one over my seat was full of some old lady’s stuff – boxes of make-up (self-image, self-confidence) she was selling (replace burdens with confidence). The flight attendant told me to find another place so I set my luggage aside. I remember telling the attendant that it was wrong for the lady to take up so much space with make-up and that something should be done about it. Nothing was done about it, though.

When we were departing the place I was told to retrieve my things. There was someone with me who told me I needed to go through the “foreign gate” (change into new phase of life) where they had been put. I hesitated and did not want to go through the gate but I wanted my luggage so I did.

On the other side there was luggage scattered everywhere. All of it was identical: black carry-on’s. Mine was a black carry-on. I checked through numerous bags but could not find any with my name tag on it. I began to panic, searching through them multiple times. I never found my carry-on. I did find my red and black backpack (knowledge gained) which was a relief.

The man with me advised me to just leave the luggage (message to “let it go”). Someone else had taken it. I was beside myself with upset to the point that I had this sick feeling in my stomach, a nausea that was abnormal. The man kept reminding me that I had my backpack, so I had what I needed. My thoughts mirrored his words. I said, “Yes, but I will have to go and buy new clothes, new contact solution….everything.” There was a feeling that I would okay despite the set-back but the worry surpassed it.

Still panicking, I woke up suddenly. The feeling was lingering in my stomach. It was an “oh shit” feeling. I hate that feeling, especially when I have no idea what to make of it.

Dream: Flooded Basement

I was in a house (soul/self) with my husband (soul connection to husband) and kept noticing standing water (emotion). He was focused on something upstairs, a washing machine (need to resolve issues of the past to move forward) that had been buried (suppressed) and he was digging up (coming to surface). I finally got him to notice the water and he said the whole basement (basic needs and desires, confusion, suppression in subconscious) was flooded (overwhelmed by emotions) about three feet high. He knew about it all along and was just ignoring it determined to dig up the washer. He kept saying the flooding in the basement was because the washer was installed improperly. I remember seeing him digging up a chunk of dirt covered in thick grass and brown leaves (disappointment, despair) and him saying he had been working on it for an hour. I also remember seeing water standing around the a/c in the corner of the house.

Inside my husband had done something with the washer and was draining it I think and water was pouring all over the carpets (protection from harsh reality). There was discussion about a new sofa (laziness, boredom or need to clear mind/thoughts) and it being 38in and only getting cleaned for free if it was 40in. I saw it and it was huge and the back of it arched over the dining room table.

I was upset about the flooded basement. I crawled on the railings of the stairs because they seemed to be upside down (no progress made), the risers above me and the railings below. I never got down to the basement and knew I would have to sleep in a house that was flooding. I was nervous and didn’t want to stay.

Note: The next day my husband actually dug up a part of the front yard to fix a busted water main. The scene was nearly identical to pieces of the above dream. There was water standing near the a/c units and large chunks of sod piled on the driveway from his excavation of the pipes.

Dream: Giant Ladybug

I was inside a large kitchen (life alteration, transformation) and commented on how clean it was. The kitchen had many parts and was larger than normal with several sinks, ovens and work stations on both ends. There were women preparing foods and I helped by making the carrots (clarity, abundance and fertility). I kept adding carrots because I felt it would not be enough. I put them on the stove and noticed a bottle of soda (rejuvenation) had gone missing. I went outside to find it and walked past a group of older women sitting at a table waiting for the meal. There were brown leaves (fallen hopes, despair, loss) blowing past and I commented that the last time we gathered the leaves hadn’t fallen yet. I kept looking for the soda and saw it near some tools. When I picked it up it was obvious soda was not what was inside. It was some kind of chemical. Then I saw a very large ladybug (beauty and good luck) whose shell was rusty orange with gemstones (riches, spiritual protection) where the spots should have been.

Considerations

June’s energy has grown in intensity since the first week and continues to grow. I suspect July is going to be a humdinger of a month. All the messages and syncs continue to escalate despite my asking my guidance to give me a break. My dreams seem to be preparing me for change and show how I am working on confronting certain fears and beliefs related to that change.

In addition to continuing to get messages about Atlanta on a daily basis (it’s ridiculous, really), there are other smaller messages here and there. For example, on one of my walks I kept finding discarded bird eggshells (rebirth) along the path, all in almost perfect condition.

At first I was struggling against the messages and intuition I am having. Of course, the struggle came from my Ego assuming the messages and accompanying feelings meant “NOW” and so, understandably, there was some freaking out. But now I recognize that these messages are memories ignited within by certain aspects of my life trajectory (timeline) coming into view (trigger events). It would be like driving along a highway and seeing that your destination is an hour drive away when previously the signs indicated days of travel.

So now I am hovering somewhere between anticipation of said future changes and complete acceptance/surrender. My focus is on keeping an open mind and heart, acknowledging any expectations and setting them aside so that I can freely accept into my life that which will be for the greatest good of all.

This excerpt from an astrological blog I follow jumped out at me:

Living through Expectation prevents you from ever leaving the Past, since our Expectations are based on our Past Experiences.  If you Want to Experience Life As It Is, Moment to Moment, you have to “Cancel, Neutralize, Upgrade,” thank the mind for attempting to Contribute, chuckle at it, and Open to an [sic] Blank Slate.

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Kundalini Dream: Funky Town

Just when I think I am gonna get some good quality sleep…..the Full Moon energy hits! Ahhh!

Kundalini Dream: Funky Town

Again, wasn’t expecting this nor was I expecting how it would come about.

The dream began with me and my family attending a concert – a symphony (harmony/cooperation) actually. A young woman was trying to enter the theater and I kept holding her back. She wasn’t allowed and was bad news. I knew her somehow, though. Eventually, with the symphony starting, I had to let her in. So she came in with me keeping an eye on her.

We sat down with my husband and family. The theater was huge with row upon row of seats. As the first half began the entire seating area seemed to shift and roll. It was like we were on a roller coaster. I closed my eyes, falling into the movement. I could feel myself in my seat curving up, up and over, completely flipping backward and then back to upright. Secure in my seat I just allowed the motion. No fear. No concerns.

The woman who I brought in was chatting the whole time. I could feel tears welling up and then pouring down my cheeks. I don’t recall an emotion here except surrender. When I opened my eyes I was back facing the front of the theater where I had started. The woman mentioned my tears asking me why I was crying. I didn’t answer. I had no clue.

At intermission (break) we left and entered into a car (life path) to wait. The car was parked in front of a large, wooden gate (new phase of life) that was closed. Inside the car my older sister (aspect of Self) was with me talking to me about something she observed about me. I mostly ignored her, focusing on a picture I was drawing.

My sister was saying, “Isn’t it funny that the older you get, the less you try, the less fight you have left to even bother doing the things you want to do? Why do you think that is?” When she was saying this I saw a picture that she drew to illustrate. It was of blobs of “desire”. At first they were large but the farther across the paper they got, the smaller until they were nothing but thin lines.

I knew she was trying to get me to converse with her, to dig deep and find out why I have lost the desire to fight for what I want. So I continued to draw my picture. I put a “circle, circle, dot, dot” (boobs) on the person and then laughed and showed my sister. She kept talking about how I wasn’t fighting anymore, acting more concerned.

My husband who was in the driver’s seat said, “Why don’t we listen to something else. I wonder if we can purchase a different station?” He started scanning for new music and landed on 97.5 FM. I said,”No. It costs too much. Just leave it. The price is too high (telling my Self that the price of change/desire is too high).”

As intermission ended I looked ahead of the car. There was a huge bulldozer (need to clear clutter from life, feeling blocked) in front of us. I thought, “It is going to take forever to get through now.”

My sister kept talking to me about my loss of motivation and willpower. As she did I could hear music playing, one song then another. I focused on the images that came with it. I saw what seemed like movies playing and then rewinding in slow motion. At one point there were three scruffy dogs, one female and two males. The males were trying to mate with the female. One was successful. I watched, amused, thinking of a joke (trying to distract myself) my husband told me recently (read it here if you want to laugh). All the while my sister continued to try to get my attention.

My attention still on the mating dogs I felt what seemed like fingers being jabbed into my lower abdominal area. With this came a sharp pain and a bubble of intensely pleasurable energy. I tried to ignore it, still amused from the joke I was thinking about, but the jabbing continued as if I were being stabbed in the stomach. Finally the mixture of pain and pleasure woke me up. The bubble of energy was in my second chakra pushing upward but felt stuck. Though the energy was pleasurable, the pain was much more intense and uncomfortable. I wanted it to go away but instead it was like my body was not my own. Despite being awake my first and second chakras exploded in a mixture of pain and pleasure. I winced and rolled over on my side trying to figure out what was going on.

Message

The song, Funkytown was going through my head – “Won’t you take me to Funkytown….” When I listened and heard the first line I rolled my eyes. lol

I was not impressed and a bit irritated. My “sister” from the dream was now my partner in Spirit and he was being extremely pushy. He said, “We need to talk.” LOL – look at the lyrics – “Talk about it, talk about it, talk about it…..” I was mostly focused on the dogs wondering why the Kundalini energy would come on from such a visual, especially when I was finding it humorous. I eventually just let that go because, who the hell knows why the Kundalini does what it does anyway? lol

My partner kept asking me to consider what my sister in the dream was telling me. I still didn’t want to talk about it. I can see how as I get older I get less motivated to change, less interested in “fighting” for what I want. He asked me to think about 20 years ago. How am I different? I confirmed that, yes, I am way less likely to fight for what I want now. I am slowly falling into apathy. I justified this by saying, “Doesn’t everyone get like that as they get older?” I remember saying, “It doesn’t matter and taking risks to get something I want is too costly in the end (thus me saying “it costs too much” in the dream)”.

Honestly, the conversation didn’t get very far because I kept avoiding the images and memories that came to mind. It was the middle of the night and I wanted to sleep. I was a bit frustrated and irritated with my partner telling him I was not amused nor happy with his methods. And my lower abdominal area still ached. Not fun.

If you read the lyrics to Funkytown you will see his message. If he had a face I would have punched him – last night anyway. lol He was saying, “We love you.” I was thinking, “Go away!!!” as I nursed my achy tummy – which still hurts this morning. It feels like an ovarian cyst. Ugh.

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Dream: Circle of Friends

I was with a few others. We were going to a gathering of others like us. We entered into a space filled with drums, pillows, blankets, musical instruments and spiritual things. We waited for the others to arrive.

Someone mentioned that the others weren’t there yet. I asked if maybe they had the location wrong. We saw some people gathering at another location through the window. I knew my friend Sophia had set it up and was at the other location so I volunteered to call her.

Eventually we were all together in a circle. I sat next to Sophia. I had not seen her in so long. I turned and looked her in the eyes. She had one hand on her high heart. I placed my hand over the top of hers and then she placed her other hand over mine. I then put my right hand over the top of that. When I did this I closed my eyes and a surge of energy resulted. I could see a brilliant yellow light shoot out of her upper chest. She smiled. It felt like healing had occurred. She said, “I’ve been experiencing an upload.” I said, “I have too and am on the other side of it now. I feel good.” We discussed the other friend who had not arrived and assumed she had been experiencing something similar and likely needed time alone.

It felt like many who were suppose to be at the circle had not shown. Those who did show ended up talking for a while, getting to know one another. I recall looking at the unfamiliar faces and thinking about how everyone was so plain looking, as if the “awakened ones” were the “outcasts” or “unpopular” group. I didn’t care, though.

One person introduced themselves as “Sally”. It took me a while to hear her because there was this loud, mechanical sound drowning her out. I recall she looked male and being surprised she was female.

A man stood next to me and told his story, how he helped people (can’t recall how now but it was unusual). At one point I turned around and he was completely naked, his naked butt cheeks in my face. I turned away, smirking, and he apologized. I laughed and said, “Get your ass out of my face already.” LOL

Eventually we left and I found myself walking along the road (sense of direction) near my Mom’s house in the dark, the full moon illuminating the road. I was wearing socks (comfort) only and could feel the pebbles (minor annoyances) poking my feet. I was with friends and extremely happy and positive, enjoying the light of the full moon and the connection with nature and life.

When we reached the intersection (important decision) the others left me alone (have to make decision on my own). I stood there and noticed a microwave (quick action) sitting on the fence post. I found a small plate nearby and filled it with vegetables (spiritual nourishment) and put it in the microwave. Then I saw headlights and notice a tiny car parked near me. A car drove up and a person got out and began to yell at a small child in the tiny car. I went to the child’s rescue but discovered that I knew the people in the car, an old high school classmate (connection with others). We talked and she told me that the school was much different now.

Others joined us there at the intersection. Eventually they were all seated at a table and I was offering them my plate of veggies (help others gain spiritual nourishment). One guy took broccoli (spiritual nourishment), another green beans (the soul). I was happy to give up my food thinking it was likely the only healthy food any of them had in a long time.

Continued Message

I finally woke up completely, still tired and achy from the Kundalini episode. The dreams about the spiritual circle were vivid, especially the energy rush out of my friend Sophia’s chest. I find it interesting that I would dream about her and the walk-in group when I haven’t had dreams of her or them in ages. This coming after several dream visits by Yvonne, the organizer of the walk-in group who, of course, lives in Tennessee.

The message I am receiving now is that I am in need of a kick in the butt to get me to take action because, obviously, I have lost my “fight”. The sense I got from the message was that I need to take action immediately. I was told, “opportunity is coming.”

Really, though, I don’t have the motivation to change….at.all. There is a feeling of, “Why bother?” Life goes on no matter what. Survival is still part of it and survival is drudgery.

Part of the conversation with my partner was about my vibration/energy and how the primary energy I am sending out right now is “fear”. He referred to my purpose, asking, “How can you fulfill your purpose if you are primarily projecting fear?” I can see how apathy = succumbing to fear and how my lack of motivation and action is a result of fear. But when you have failed time and time again it is not easy to get back up and fight. Eventually you just stay down and accept that as your place.