by

Rainbows, Butterflies and Duality

A synchronicity has been presenting itself to me over and over these past couple of weeks. Usually it comes in pairs but other times it is just that I notice it briefly. The specific symbol is the rainbow.

Honestly, it has taken me a while to notice the sign. I even had a dream filled with rainbow eggs and shrugged off the symbolism of the rainbow after seeing a friend of mine from Shasta write about his own rainbow dream the very next day.

Rainbows to me equate to “the pot of gold” and “hope”. I haven’t been feeling particularly hopeful the last few weeks. In fact, I feel uninspired, unmotivated and stuck in the mud. I know this is purposeful and I am acutely aware of the Equinox portal (stargate) and the peeling away of the last remnants of the False Self, parts I seem to cling onto for dear life and are just a PITA all around. Just so happens, tomorrow is the next section of the Equinox portal as told to me by my guidance. April 7 all hell breaks loose. Or something like that. I am not shaking in my boots or anything over here. I’m in a “Whatever” shrugging my shoulders mood at the moment.

Anyway, believe-it-or-not, I think the rainbow symbol/message to me is not about a pot of gold or some “reward” for all my hard work. Actually, I believe it is more along the lines of symbolizing duality and bridging Heaven and Earth. Somehow we’ve got to straddle the razor blade of duality to find and establish our direct link to the Divine. It reminds me of the 8 winds in Buddhism and the lesson of non-attachment.

Worthy persons deserve to be called so because they are not carried away by the eight winds: prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure. They are neither elated by prosperity nor grieved by decline.

The more I internalize this lesson (which seems never-ending) the more I recognize that it is the not the attachment we are meant to avoid, nor the emotions that arise from it. Instead, non-attachment is not becoming the effect of the inevitable emotions that will arise from attachment. We breathe through the emotions, whether they be good or bad, and then allow them to pass. We let ourselves learn from the experiences and flow with them. Both “good” and “bad” are beautiful. We recognize we are the experience and do not judge our reaction. This is allowing. Attachment is part of the human condition, thus, it is part of why we became human in the first place.

It is important to be impartial towards such perceptions we receive and to determine not to be driven by emotional expressions. Our path to enlightenment will be obstructed when we assign a sense of influential authority on our feelings and on our lives by the experienced situations – rather than becoming unswayed by their impact. Source

Even more interesting is that as I am writing about the rainbow and remembering all the many synchronistic signs from it, I recall I have been seeing butterflies quite a bit, too. Then I hear part of a song and it makes me smile. “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along”. Duality again. 🙂

The deeper I go within, the more pockets of resistance I encounter. Resistance that I never knew existed pops up. It’s usually always resistance to those things I judge as being “bad” or “non-optimum”. Yet sometimes there is resistance toward things others would be attracted to. Resistance to success, power, self-praise. Oh how worthy yet unworthy I am all at once. So paradoxical, yet that is the point I think.

Like my friend wrote recently, we must Know the self fully before we can destroy it.

It’s a curious thing that my self has to be healed, strengthened, and built up, only to then be dissolved. (There is an old saying in spiritual practice that you must have a self before you can get rid of the self. I think this is what it refers to. You cannot have sustainable spiritual transformation without the psychological healing, otherwise you end up with a completely fractured personality.)

My guidance often reminds me to “relax and just enjoy the experience of life.” It is funny how difficult it is to do. I know I use to do it. I remember doing it in childhood. I see my own children doing it every day. It is possible to be that way yet be “grown up” and “responsible”. It is similar to being “worthy” and “unworthy” at the same time. If we can be both of those, then why not a grown-up, responsible child at heart? I like the sound of that!

So, my goal through this next portal/gateway/stargate section is to stop resisting. To stop rejecting things I perceive as “bad” to the point that experiencing them does not create a resistance reaction within, but rather an understanding and appreciation for the fleeting moment I have been given to experience duality is all its glory.

 

by

Problem Solving Dreams

More dreams to document. Seems like I am working through a lot of life issues and a resistance to moving forward.

Dream: Coping with the Future

Something had happened that decimated the population of the planet. I was with a group traveling through the now mostly destroyed land. We came upon an open field with flocks of chickens roaming about. There was a large barn and mill located next to it and up the hill was a college. We discussed what might have happened had the college students known the chickens were there. Likely a fight or worse. But no one was there now. The sickness had taken the people and the chickens were all that was left.

We talked about how the chickens might be infected. There were some that were very erratic. We also discussed possibly staying there but decided instead to take a couple of eggs with us.

We moved along and found a patch of earth to plant a small garden in. We buried the eggs. I’m not sure why we did this. It seemed we thought the soil (accidentally wrote “soul” here) would incubate the eggs.

Not long after someone had come through and uprooted our plants and dug up and cracked one egg. One egg was hard boiled and was eaten. The other was lost. We discovered a small group nearby and they confessed. They welcomed us in and it seemed they had a nice community going but something felt off. We went driving into the nearby town (we called it Fairbanks) and saw some groups of survivors in tattered clothing. One family, a man, wife and two kids was walking by. The man had a very tiny, black and white puppy in his hands. I smiled at him and he chased our car trying to get handouts.

Then there was an entire scene about a man needing a lawyer. They searched for one and brought in a woman who he identified as his wife who he thought had died in the outbreak. He had a new partner and so did she and there was no issue between them.

Interpretation

This dreams seems to be all about moving forward, goals and commitment to them. I am discussing my fears (chickens) and my potential (eggs). I leave the fear behind and move on to focus on my potential, hoping for growth (burying them). I feel like all my hard work (garden) is destroyed. The people I know are not who they seem to be. Help is available if I ask (lawyer).

Parking-Violation-Sticker-D-2058

Dream: Parking Ticket in New York

I was invited to my mom’s but was very upset with her and gave her a piece of my mind about some things. I told her the energy was ruined and I couldn’t stay. She didn’t understand. I remember telling her, “Do you know you are spending $6k a year on them? That will be $18k in 3 years!”

I went into a side room to repaint a painting I had completed. I began to outline it but got paint all over some towels and eventually gave up because of so many mistakes. Then I saw I had been painting on the wrong side and the original painting was fine. It was a painting of the Earth from a distance with clouds and rainbows of color around it.

Then I was outside on a wooden deck. It had large holes in it where it rotted out. I was talking to my ex-in-laws about it. I ended up showing them a cool trick I could do. I believe I became pretty lucid here, almost to the point I could have taken over the dream. I was putting up my hands in front of me like hanging onto an invisible rope. Then I would let myself fall forward or backwards and it was like I was swinging on thin air. It felt really cool.

I left and went outside to drive home for the day. The scene felt different. I knew I was in N.Y., New York. It was raining outside and I opened the door to a very large, black pick-up. I got soaked in the process. Then I saw a huge sign on the front of my windshield. It said, “Do Not Leave Until You Pay.” I got out of the car (it stopped raining) and pulled off the sticker. Under it was a parking ticket. There were objects placed on my truck to keep me from driving away. I was about to get angry when I realized there was no point. The ticket was for $321 and I had to pay in order to go home.

There is a whole scene here where I seem to be going in circles. I realize I am getting nowhere once I figure it all out. I get frustrated and say aloud, “What is the point of all this! I want out!” I see in my mind a visual of two signs. The one on the left says, “Lesson 1”. The one on the right, which is double the size says, “Lesson 2”.

I wake up and I am angry.

Interpretation

The first part is again me dealing with family issues. The numbers are likely messages. 6 and 18. I am looking to recreate the picture of the situation but keep running into emotional messes (paint on towels) only to discover the painting is complete. There is a disconnect with my Self (holes in deck) being addressed. I am being advised to fully Trust that all is working out as it should (invisible rope section of dream). I am seeking to go Home (leaving from work). I see my life experience – work (the truck) – as negative (black). There is emotion with this (rain). I feel unable to move forward and lost (parking ticket). The number 321 is likely a message in and of itself. I can’t go Home until I finish what I started. The message “Do not leave until you pay” is a direct message. I am shown how cycles repeat and also given another direct message that I have two lessons that need to be learned.

by

Repeating Message: Deceit and Protection

Another night of interrupted sleep. The K-index is in the red again, too.

Dream: Car to Poodle to Baby

I was in an unfamiliar house having a discussion with my mom about my sister. She had parked her car in the driveway. I was helping with a truck and the car began to move on its own. I mentioned it to my mom and she said it was broken but sometimes did that. I asked why she didn’t sell it for my sister to get her some money. My mom acted like this would be a terrible idea.

Then the car was a small, toy poodle. I knew it had been sleeping for years. It suddenly moved and walked into the house. I told my mom who was upset by this and asked me to get it. I found it curled up on the coffee table. It was making an awful noise so I said to it, “Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you some food?” I figured it must be hungry if it had been asleep for years.

I picked up a tray of black metal objects – pens, scissors, razor blades. I filled the tray with water and was about to add baby rice cereal. I saw the sharp objects and thought, “This is not safe for a baby!” I emptied the tray of its contents and left the water, then added the cereal. I presented the food to the poodle but it had turned into a baby.

Dream: Putting Away the Lawn Mower

Then, I was walking down a hallway in the house and ran into a woman with long, auburn hair. When I saw her I recognized her calling her by name I don’t recall now. I greeted her warmly and she said hello and then hugged me. I asked her how she had been and if she had a good holiday. It felt like I meant Christmas but I honestly had no idea what I was saying or why. She said she had. She walked away. I had no clue who she was but apparently some part of me did know.

Next, I heard a noise in the garage. I went to investigate . The same woman was holding a lawn mower and moving it into a corner. I asked her, “Do you need help?” She said, “No. I’m just putting this away.” I went over to her and watched her scoot the lawn mower up against the wall. I noticed the garage was nearly spotless with a painted grey floor that shined. Definitely not my garage! lol It was two-car with two separate doors. The lawn mower was being placed up against the small space between the doors.

The woman smiled at me and said, “So, have you decided what you will do?” I knew she was talking about “work” and in my mind it felt akin to a teaching job but another part of me knew it was not the same work. I said to her, “Yes, I have decided not to leave. I will wait.” She said, “If you are sure.” There was a feeling from her that this may not be the best decision. Yet I felt happy and carefree. She looked at me closely, then, staring into my eyes. She said, “You look good.” I saw through her eyes the view of my face. It was radiant, flawless and stunningly beautiful.

She wiped her hair out of her face and left smudges. I said to her, “Your face is dirty.” She said, “It is? I must have gotten grease on it from the lawn mower.” She wiped her face with her hand and put more black streaks on it. I reached up and wiped it clean noting that if she kept touching it her faced would stay dirty. She was taller than me and I felt very drawn to her. I said to her, “Why am I so attracted to you?” I was standing with my face only inches from hers, my body touching hers. It felt nice but I had no romantic intentions. She looked down at me, smiled warmly and said something I can’t fully recall but it had to do with the masculine energy and the work they (men) were doing being independent from the feminine right now.

Considerations and Symbolism

I woke with a start. I knew the message she had given me was important. Why? I’m not sure. I could still remember the woman, smell her, even feel her breath on me as we stood nose to nose. She was awesome! She felt powerful to me. She was also very beautiful, her long, auburn hair thick and picture perfect. I wanted to be like her. That was my attraction!

Our conversation puzzles me a bit. What decision? What “work”? My first thought is that when she asked me what I will do and I said I had decided to stay that she was asking me about my marriage. That still feels correct. The feeling from her that it may not be wise came with a Knowing that I am putting myself at risk somehow. But how? I’m not sure but there has been, for many months now, two dream messages/themes that keep repeating. It is that someone is being deceptive and/or deceitful and to protect myself. I am sure it will all be clear at some point.

The first part of the dream seems to be a discussion about my mom and sister and their situation. The car is broken, so something is unfinished. Since it moves on its own then it could be that I feel unable to control the situation. It turns into a poodle which symbolizes a snobbish attitude. I feel I am better than my sister. The baby symbolizes new beginnings. The food is nurturing. Since it is full of sharp objects, specifically a razor blade, it means things I said in the past are coming back to me. I am attempting to fix it.

I think the auburn haired woman is me. She has been on vacation which symbolizes healing and recuperation. Similarly, garages symbolize a period of inactivity and feeling directionless. It is nearly spotless, so maybe lots of cleaning up has occurred. That it is a two-car garage symbolizes that I am not the only one going through such a period. The mower is a message to keep my temper and anger under control. It is between the doors of the garage so perhaps the anger is between myself and the other person. Like in the dream, I need to put it (the anger) away. The fact that the other woman unknowingly keeps putting black marks on her face from the mower suggests that I unknowingly present myself to others as dirty or flawed in some way. When I see my true self, though, I am beautiful and flawless.

by

Birthday Party Calm and Dream Messages

Yesterday we had a small family birthday party for my youngest, Elek. It was a Thomas the Train theme and quite cute. I had been feeling off most of the day but as the time of the party approach I shifted into party mode and began to prepare for the guests with gusto. This is not normal for me. I typically don’t want a full house as the energies are overwhelming even when it is my own family.

img_20170403_114634.jpg

Elek eating the frosting off the train that was on his cake. 

I prepared the food trays and got everything ready and barely noticed the high energies coming in with my guests. My children, my three nephews and niece (all under the age of 7) were there along with my mom, step-dad, brother and sister-in-law, my sister and my husband. My daughter invited her best friend from down the street at the last minute (my suggestion). So that means 14 people including me were present. Being everyone was family (except one) it was strangely comfortable and balanced energy-wise. Not the normal intensity that tends to accompany the baggage only family can carry.

 

After the crazy wild present opening and eating of the cake, I made coffee only to forget the actual coffee. lol Then, after correcting my mistake, I had a cup with my mom and step-dad as we watched the kids wreak havoc on the living room. My mom came up to me and said, “You sure have grown up……matured.” I said, “Why do you say that?” She said, “You are sitting down calmly with all this (motions to mess) around you. You don’t normally do that. You usually just have to tidy up. Now you are just sitting and waiting until the end.” I laughed and said, “There’s no point and besides I’m enjoying watching them.” Then I told her, “I haven’t washed the wood floor in I don’t know how long…” We got a good laugh out of that.

One of the presents my son received was the Pie Face Game. The kids were all gathered around it having a blast. I suddenly felt like a child, too, and challenged my husband to a match. He got pie face. hehe Again, not a normal thing for me to do…. There’s a video but I’m not sharing (sorry). BTW you have to play that game if you haven’t. Super fun!

The last guests didn’t leave until more than three hours after the party started. Before then, my other SIL came and had cake and picked up her kids. I was busily making dinner and still calm and collected – just content with the the way things were.

After the party I was happy to clean up. No exhaustion or irritability.

It’s not that I am a grump or mean party host, it’s just that I tend to hide when there are lots of people around and when I am out and about I don’t say much and keep my energy to myself.

Is this a permanent change? I don’t know. I am reminded of the comments and dream messages where I was told, “You have changed. You are calmer.”

Dream Messages

Surprisingly, my afternoon cup of coffee had no affect on me and I fell asleep without issue.

The first half of the night all I recall are the messages and conversations that remained upon waking. There was discussion about the Kundalini along with very muted Kundalini energy again. When I woke up suddenly at 11:11pm I knew that my demands for it to stop were not going to be met. In fact, the message was that there was no turning back. Once it (the K) started, it didn’t stop until it was done. I requested all contracts and “mission assignments” to be deleted and/or retracted, too. This, I feel is still being negotiated. My main request was for the amazing bliss of the Kundalini to never return. I don’t think that will happen. Sigh. That may be why it is being muted, though. I will take what I can get.

Dreams

I ended up in a dream sequence where I was in a world where there had been a major disaster and people were gathering in small communities. Everyone contributed. Money wasn’t used. A man was sitting in the center of the room meditating. He had been meditating three days straight. When he woke he was unsteady and a lot of attention was given to him to help him recuperate. The rest of the group were women and the place we occupied was a tall structure made of wood that resembled a barn.

Then I was looking for a winter coat with my friend. We seemed to look for hours for the perfect one. I chose a grey one with a black collar. Coats are protection.

In another dream I was standing next to a bright red corvette that looked more like a Porsche. It was to be driven to the southeastern U.S. I saw the map and everything. A dotted line crossed through the southern states (LA, MS, AL, GA) and circled up through the Carolinas. I remember talking to a man about my travels and actually being in one of those states, but not sure which one. My husband and I ended up in a restaurant eating alligator (I know weird!). He ate it but I abstained. I have eaten alligator in real life and knew it was not very good and too spicy. Alligators symbolize treachery and deceit.

When I woke up I was angry. I was trying to once again asking for a shut down of all my spiritual experiences but every time I thought of how that might turn out I got a sick feeling and felt like dying. Not a good sign. But I am struggling still with existing in-between. Why can’t it just be one way all the time?

A song came into my head then, one I haven’t heard in a long time. I kept hearing, “Borderline. Feel like I’m gonna lose my mind.” Sometimes I hate the music messages I receive.

 

 

by

Dream: Meeting Tom Selleck

Well, not exactly Tom Selleck. The man I saw had chest hair like him and I thought of Tom Selleck when I saw/felt his chest hair. lol

Anyway, the night began with a mixture of dreams that involved me and others learning how to control a body. In the dreams we were a good distance away from the bodies. So far in fact that they resembled game pieces rather than physical bodies. I don’t remember much of the experience. It seemed to vanish upon waking. What I do recall is that when I woke it was from the Kundalini. Energy entered through my crown, shot down to my root and exploded back upward. My body’s response is what finally woke me up. The feeling was that I watched the energy as it poured through my “game piece” body but also felt what the body felt. When I woke I understood that it had been a lesson, a hands-on type of practice, to better understand how to handle the physical sensations of the body.

I am grateful the Kundalini was muted.

Dream: Meeting Tom Selleck

I was at the dentist’s office and was being told the treatment I would need. What I saw was an image of my lower jaw with teeth made of metal. I was told the coming surgery and reassured it would be okay and I would have ample anesthesia so it wouldn’t hurt that much. It made me anxious, though.

Sometime during the conversation I ended up in my old bedroom at my mom’s. Next to me was the dentist, a man a bit older than me with dark hair and eyes. I recall laying my head on his hairy chest and he allowed this. It felt nice but I wanted to be closer. The next thing I know he is laying on top of me. I attempt to kiss him. He turns his head away and does not allow me to. I can feel him resist and then reject me. There is a telepathic exchange here. He reminds me that we can’t do anything romantic.

He explains himself to me and this is when I see his hairy chest. I feel it, too. It is thick and dark and I am reminded of Tom Selleck for some reason. From that point on when I see this man I think “Tom Selleck”. lol

Throughout our telepathic exchange I keep being interrupted by my children with this or that kind of “emergency”. I lose track of where the man is and assume he has left but then see his white pick-up truck parked outside. It feels like a day or so has passed and I am so distracted I forget to look for him. I pause and check for his truck. It is still parked outside.

I walked outside noting the truck still parked there. It is nighttime but I see chickens out in the yard. I yell to my mom, “Hey, did you know your chickens are out and awake!?” I nearly step on a dead one. I nudge it with my foot and think, “They are all dying.”

The man comes up and stands next to me. He just appears out of nowhere, like he has been waiting for me. He says, “We shouldn’t give up…” He was about to continue when my daughter came running outside crying. The man puts his arm around my waist and pulls me close. I let him. My heart feels to burst open. I don’t linger, though, but break away to deal with my daughter. She is hysterical over math homework. I go inside with her and forget about the man.

Then I am watching a scene unfold. There is a woman (mother?) tending to her many children. The youngest is sick and dying. I see the baby in a bath. I think he is dead but his eyes are open and he looks alive yet I hear the prognosis and it is not good. I see my youngest child’s name spelled out in large, white letters. Then the mother is outside with a man. A letter falls from the sky and he opens it. I then recall saying, “But I’ve lost so many babies, I can’t lose anymore…”

I shift back to my mom’s house. I am kneeling by the wood fence in the back picking up fallen leaves that have gathered near its base. I feel the man approach. He wants my attention. I can hear his thoughts and feel his emotion. He doesn’t want me to give up on him. He comes closer, kneeling and helping me gather up the leaves. My heart begins to explode in love for him but I resist, focusing on a leaf I am placing in my left hand. I feel him pleading with me. He tells me that he thinks we can make it through this together. I want to embrace him and tell him I want what he wants, but I don’t. I just allow him to be close and continue to pick up the leaves. My heart is exploding and I am so happy for him to be there. It is the most amazing feeling and I want to feel it forever but I also feel I can’t trust my heart. Following it only leads to pain. I begin to cry.

I wake up crying. My heart continues to blaze for a long while after. I can’t sleep for a while but do eventually fall back to sleep.

Interpretation

The symbolism indicates that I am struggling with feelings of rejection. The fact that the man is my dentist means I am doubting his sincerity and honor. Surgery means an opening of the Self and/or healing. A pick-up symbolizes hard work and/or something that needs to be “picked up”. The chickens represent cowardliness but since they are “all dying” then perhaps courage is forthcoming? The babies are ideas and new beginnings. They are sick/dying so I feel a loss of hopes/dreams/new beginnings. The letter from the sky is a message to me but I don’t read it. I mention that I can’t handle more loss. The fence is an obstacle. The leaves represent fallen hopes, despair and sadness. I am cleaning them up. Leaves could also be a pun for actually “leaving” a situation behind me.

kundalini-snake

Lucid Dream Sequence 

When I return to sleep I entered into a dream sequence where I know I am dreaming. Even in recognizing it, though, I choose to follow the dream rather than create it.

In the beginning the lucidity comes on when I am trying to determine if the Tom Selleck dream really happened or was a dream. I have an internal debate and then decide I am dreaming. This is when I made the decision to let the dream show me what I need to know.

I recall being told something would take 32 weeks. I don’t know what but the number stuck.

I also spend a lot of this dream cleaning up messes – picking up after my children and cleaning in general.

There is a part of the dream where I am asked to return to the temporary job I just had. I am suspicious, though, asking, “What happened to the woman who came back to work?” I enter my old office but it is a portable building and when I open the door water cascades out. I walk inside and see the computer and office was not harmed. The water was only a couple of feet high. I look at a TV screen playing and tap it to see if it is solid. It is. I lose interest and leave. I don’t care if anyone has left me an email message.

Then as I am walking out of the building I encounter a woman. She is dressed in black and holding a machine gun. I go up to her to kiss her and she stops me telling me I need to do something first. I notice she has a full beard and comment on it. She doesn’t respond.

I head outside and there is a man with red hair standing there. He also has a full beard. For some reason I decide to kiss him. When I do it feels like a cylinder is placed into my mouth and all the way down my throat. I feel unable to breathe through my nose at this time, too. The cylinder remains and then another one feels to be placed into my root chakra. It extends all the way up into my 2nd chakra. The feeling is so weird! The cylinders feel like contained energy. It seems like the two cylinders are trying to join in the middle of my body.

The bottom cylinder distracts me and I attempt to pull it out but can’t. So I pull the one out of my mouth. It is like I pull out a huge snake! I’m surprised I didn’t gag.

When I wake up my root chakra is a ball of swirling energy that feels heavy and makes the area seem almost numb.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream sequence was to show me the areas I am still healing. The temporary job I had was during an especially emotional time. The water indicates the emotion. I am putting it behind me, though.

The woman that has a beard represents me and my decision to be more assertive in my life, to take charge and be more masculine. She says, “Not yet”. She is holding a machine gun which is anger and aggression that is out of control. Then I end up with the man with a beard. Beards are insight and wisdom. Since his hair is red it could be that I am attempting to address my anger.

by

OBE: One With All

The last few nights I have been asking to go OOB but my sleep was too interrupted. My youngest kept waking me up saying, “My mouth hurts”. Turns out he has a massive third molar coming in! Poor little guy and on his 3rd birthday, too. 😦 This morning, though, I was able to sleep in and was blessed with a spectacular OBE.

OBE: One With All

I was traveling in a car listening to a conversation in which I was deeply immersed. It was about the Shift and my role in assisting with the ascension so you can see why I was so focused on what was being said. Unfortunately I only recall snippets of what I was told. Suddenly, I noticed the car was drifting off the road. I nudged my husband and said to him, “_______, you are falling asleep!” What is funny is that I called him by my sister’s name. He just looked at me like a zombie and I knew he would soon veer off the road and crash. I laughed out loud for using my sister’s name and looked ahead through the window. I felt my focus shift toward the conversation and knew I would leave my body. I decided I didn’t care if my husband crashed the car and let myself be pulled out the car window and toward the sounds of the voices I was listening to.

The disconnect was seamless and I found myself floating above a man standing next to a tee-pee like formation of wooden poles. He was laying metal sheets along the outside to make a circular pyramid-like structure that resembled the top of a space capsule. Around him were conical shaped tents (tee-pees?) sitting upon sandy, packed soil. Another man was standing nearby listening to the other man talk.

I was still feeling the dream-like feeling of sleep and knew I had to make the decision to stop focusing on what the man was saying, but I really, really wanted to hear what he was about to say. I recall him saying, “The purpose of disconnection is….” My curiosity was really strong but I resisted, setting the intention to move out of the scene. When I did, his voice faded and it was as if I peeled a section of the scene down like one would peel bark off a tree. Then I “stepped” through the opening.

On the other side I found myself inside my old bedroom at my mom’s house. I felt very energized and solid. A surge of child-like joy hit me and I began to float around, my vision clearing and then fading to black in a strobe-like pattern. Eventually my vision stabilized and I moved out of the bedroom. There was still a discussion that could be heard in the background but I knew it was between another version of myself and my Council. Whatever they were talking about would be inaccessible to me for the most part so I opted to enjoy the brief OOB vacation I had been granted.

My vision full-on, I moved toward the front door. There was a backpack hanging on it but I just took note of it and then opened the door. The brilliant sunlight and bright blue sky greeted me. I was super pleased to not be trapped inside the house and to be able to experience the vivid colors of astral daylight.

I flew out the window and floated motionless face up looking at the clouds and sky taking it all in. As I floated there I surrendered to the experience fully. When I did this I was swept up and seemed to swirl clockwise in a vortex of energy, up, up, up into the sky. I lost all sense of having body or form. My vision stayed full-on the entire time and I saw the clouds come closer and closer. I said aloud, “I am one with everything. I am one with all.”

I thought I would be swept up into space and beyond because my intention was to experience Oneness. To my surprise my vision remained full-on and I continued to see a cloud-filled sky. I blinked and when I opened my eyes again I was back in my bedroom on the ceiling looking down. I saw something glimmer as my vision turned on and I experienced a brief shock of surprise which made me giggle. Then I reached down and touched a smooth metal surface and grabbed hold. My vision turned on an I was holding what looked like a metal purse but in hindsight it was obviously a metal lock. I took the “purse” with me as I left the room and headed for the front door. I recall a brief dialogue with someone here about the purse and how heavy it was. I remember looking at it and it being bright red. I put it down when I realized it was actually a lock.

When I was standing at the front door I heard a familiar noise and waited expectantly, knowing my dog was coming. From around the corner my Australian Shepard, Trooper, came running toward me. He looked like he had in old age. His whining and grunting was familiar. He use to sound like that when he knew I was going to take him for a run.

I opened the door and he ran out and sniffed the ground like dogs do. I went up to him and greeted him, kneeling down and letting him lick and jump all over me. I petted him and hugged him close. Then he transformed into the younger version of himself right in front of my eyes. It was so nice to see him again!

There was a Knowing that wherever I was it was a place where all things I loved and cherished in this lifetime were accessible to me – past, present and future all in one. I knew my Trooper would always be there and always had been and he was just as real as he was in life. In fact, I knew it was the real him there with me at that moment, or at least his essence/Spirit, because he was a part of me. All of it was me.

I began to head up the driveway for a run, floating a few feet above the ground. I thought about grabbing for his leash and thought, “You don’t need a leash here. You never really needed a leash, did you?” It had been my own fear of losing him that necessitated the leash. Here, in this place, it was obvious to me that he was never lost to me and that my fear was unfounded. I recognized the fear had been real to me in life and saw its lesson. Had I trusted my heart and what I Knew then the fear would have fallen away and what I was experiencing here, in this place I found myself in, would have manifested in the physical.

I could hear Trooper running alongside me as I flew.  Looking ahead, I could see the blue sky and felt pure joy. Oh how I missed our runs together!

Unfortunately, I could feel the energy swirling around me as I was swept up and back into my body. My heart was pounding. I silently thanked my guidance for the gift.

Considerations

The main messages of this experience came in the form of the purse/lock and the realization of the place I found myself in and its purpose for me.

The symbolism of the purse/lock is unmistakable. A purse represents one’s identity and sense of self. It was red which has to do with security and safety. Since the purse was a lock it was a message to me that my self-identity is my security. I cling to it and the familiarity and safety it provides. I hand it off when I feel how heavy and cumbersome it is indicating my willingness to let it go.

The realization about the place was more of a feeling/Knowing. It was so obvious in the experience. It was without time. A place of pure creation. My creation. I suppose it could be called my heaven because it provides me with what heaven would provide – a familiar, happy, care-free place filled with moments and memories I cherish from this lifetime. I am certain I have many more such places available to me, too. I know one is in the mountains and another in a city I have no memory of in this lifetime.

It reminds me of the movie The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

 

by

Lesson: Handling the Gossip Cycle

Today I was reminded of a visit not long ago by my MIL’s sister and husband. They traveled from Connecticut and hung out at our home for quite a while. They brought with them maple syrup they harvested and made themselves. They also often makes jams and jellies and give them to us, though they didn’t bring any this time.

While they visited I noticed an energy coming from my MILs sister. She seemed extremely judgmental and critical toward me. She made several comments asking why I was doing something or implying that I was wrong to do something. One of the things she was really judgmental about was that I did not immediately open her maple syrup but put it in the cabinet and got out the syrup we had already opened. She said something like, “Why would you do that (not open it)?” and I told her we already had one opened that I did not want to spoil. My husband then took the syrup from her and opened it and said, “Of course we will use it”. The energy from him was judgmental, too, like he was saying to me, “How could you be so rude?”

She made other little comments throughout the visit and I could tell she just didn’t like me. I could read from her energy that she came to my house with an pre-formed opinion of me. She got the opinion from my MIL who told her during frustrated moments this or that about me, all negative. The energy read was so obvious in my recollection, but at the time it was received all at once, an onslaught of criticism and blame that I was unable to process or understand.

Though I did not confront the woman or my MIL about what I was sensing, I later told my husband what I sensed and what I believed the source was. He believed it was likely true based upon how his mother operates. Actually, at the time, I was not concerned if she liked me or not. This is my normal take with people. They can take me as I am or shove it. lol If she wanted to base her idea of me as a person on what another person said, she could and it was her loss.

So this memory comes to me out of the blue while making birthday breakfast for my son (Happy 3rd birthday Elek!). With it comes an understanding that I have been learning this lesson for some time. What is the lesson? That what we say about another person and the energy that goes with it is easily and sometimes eagerly adopted by others. Gossip is what it is called but it has many forms, and the phrase, “What goes around comes around” completely applies.

I recalled that when I was younger and something happened, someone made me mad or hurt me, that my first urge was to find someone close to me and bitch about it and the person. Rather than talk to the person directly, I took the coward’s path and released my frustrations with a “trusting” friend or family member. This is all my MIL did (does). She doesn’t like confrontation so when she is hurt or upset by something I do, she finds someone she trusts and tells them all about it. It is like a regurgitation or puking of all the emotions and energy she is holding of the event and person. The person who is listening wants to help, so often they agree with whatever they are told and tend to add fuel to the fire by adding their agreement. They will say, “Oh yes, how awful! How could you be around someone like that!?” Their agreement makes the other person feel heard, justified and right in their decision to talk to the trusted friend/family.

What should the person who is being told this information say to avoid this pattern, this cycle of negative and destructive energy? They should acknowledge the other person first – Yes, I can see how that would upset you. Then, rather than going into agreement with them, they should encourage the other person to work it out with the person that caused them the upset – Why don’t you talk to so and so? Maybe there is more to the situation than you know? Maybe you could work it out? 

I saw how I do this very thing with my mother – both as the person venting their frustrations and the person on the receiving end (that trusted friend/family). I use to use my mom to vent about my sisters and husband all the time. She in turn did the same with me. We would bounce the energy back and forth. I didn’t think anything of it until I lived on family land and had family all around me, family who often clashed. My sister being one of those individuals, it got pretty negative. I struggled to contain my upset and to not judge, but kept being sucked in. I couldn’t understand how this kept happening but then I realized that it was because my Mom was coming to me to vent and I was agreeing with her because of my own upset with my sister. This was fueling the conflict and causing stress on the family, not to mention me. I was haunted by the nasty feelings I was having and wanted them to stop. When I saw the cause I started saying to my mom, “Why don’t you talk to her?” rather than sharing my own upset and adding to the negative energy. Eventually I told her, “I don’t want to hear your complaints about her anymore. If you have an issue you need to go to her. What you decide to do is up to you. It is your choice. I am sure you will figure it out.” And I stepped back and walked away from the whole situation. It was hard. I lived in the middle of it all, literally feet from both of them. I felt some agony at letting it go, but once I did I was no longer affected. My mom made her decision (which I knew she would) and then learned the hard way. I had known what was coming. I wanted to help, to keep a bad situation from becoming worse. Unfortunately, when one is too overly involved, “help” can have the opposite affect.

Now it is happening again. I am seeing the same drama playing out. I am seeing my mom invite into her life the same upset she let in three years ago. I sense from her the need to have agreement from me. In fact, she jumped at telling me about it just to have the agreement. I fell for it, somewhat, but stopped short and said to her, “It is your decision. You do what you feel is best.” I have stepped back and now I wait. I am grateful to not be living so close anymore.

Unfortunately, my mom’s complaints about my sister were already heard and my agreement was already added to that. I got pulled in. Again. That is why I was reminded of my MIL’s sister. I got to personally experience the end phenomena of such interactions. Who knows what judgments I have caused other people to have about my sister. I know for certain that my mother and cousin have been affected by my agreement with them. My husband probably, too as well as my daughter.

In considering this, I am asked, “What are your true feelings toward your sister? Want do you want other people to think about her? Now that you see the cycle, have experienced all sides, what do you feel is the best way to resolve such situations?”

My true feelings? I love my sister. I want other people to love her, too. I don’t want them to think the worst about her when they are with her. I don’t want the first things to come to mind about her to be soaked in negative energy. Negativity feeds off negativity. It grows. The same is true for positivity.

There is a part of me that says about my sister, “I love her…..BUT she should not be allowed to get away with what she is doing! She should be punished!” I recognize this is the part of me that seeks to be right. I see the patterns stemming all the way back from our childhood. So many things she did to me and I did to her. Back and forth. Repeating. Yuck.

Others seek agreement. They want to be right when they feel wronged. It is human nature but it is not productive.

I am reminded of how I handled a work situation way back in 2009. I had a boss who I disliked but really there was no reason why I should dislike her. I began to observe others and my interactions with them and how they added to my dislike of my boss. I saw how others came to me to complain and how I agreed. Then I began to look at my boss as if I had never met her and had never heard anything about her. I saw her differently. I saw a person who had admirable qualities. I saw the positive more than the negative. When I realized she was not the “bad” person I was led to believe, I began to defend her when others came to me to bitch or gossip about her. I began to say positive things about her as well. I noticed they stopped coming to me. lol Eventually I began to only receive positive information and energy about her from others. Eventually my boss began to talk to me more and was more friendly.

This is how you handle negative situations involving “gossip”. Family or friends or coworkers, it doesn’t matter, though family can be especially difficult. It really is all a cycle of energy. You can feed whichever kind of energy you like, but be sure it will come back to you and affect you the same.

I’m lucky I don’t care what other people think of me (maybe too much) else I probably would have had a much more difficult time with this lesson! Ha!

 

by

Dream: Dynamite

I’ve been unable to fall asleep at night the past few nights. It has been taking me an hour at least. Last night I decided to use the time and meditate on the lotus like in the book by Gopi Krishna. When I did I saw the flower in my mind’s eye but then it burst into a purple light like it was on fire.

Unfortunately, I was unable to remain focused for long. My mind wanders and I end up in a dream sequence in the in-between. I need to practice it more because I think it would help me to keep my mind focused so that when the Kundalini hits I can focus through it like Gopi did.

Dream: Dynamite

I was choosing clothes for school. I woke early and selected a pair of light blue jeans and then began to put on shoes that resembled red pleather Allstars. The shoes laces took a long time to lace and one had over abundant laces (the left one) while the other had too much lace on the left and not enough on the right. I eventually gave up and took them off realizing I didn’t want to wear bright red shoes. I recall selecting pink socks and then putting on my black, short boots.

When I went to school it was a massively huge building and I remember relating it to a school I knew from my past which was known for gang activity and bullying. I entered the building and ran into other kids but kept to myself. I remember meeting a boy who resembled Fred Savage (The Wonder Years) when he was a teenager. The boy was very interested in me but I wanted nothing to do with him so I ignored him and turned my back on him.

Then I was walking toward the end of the building to my class. When I met my teacher he looked like the grown version of Fred Savage and again I rejected him. He felt to be super interested in me, his energy needy. I remember him showing me the project we had been working on. I picked up what looked like a firecracker, you know the big M80? I lit it and it began to light up and remained lit with sparks flying off of it. It never blew up but resembled a flare instead. I remember thinking of the M80s as “dynamite”. There were pairs of these fireworks lined up along the base of what looked like a tall, pyramid shaped object. It was black and resembled a volcano. Three pairs on the left and three pairs on the right following the triangular base. All of the six pairs were lit and sparking but I began to blow them out despite the man asking me not to. He was begging me to stop, putting his hands in the way to keep me from blowing them out. I remember being angry at him for his interference and placing blame.

Eventually I left and walked down a long, very clean, white hallway. I was talking to a woman about picking up my son and how tired I was but that I needed to get groceries after school/work. We stopped in front of a machine that scanned the woman I was with. I froze wondering what was going on. She told me it was an ATM machine and this was how it recognized whose account to withdraw funds from. I was fascinated but knew it only worked for set amounts, specifically for $20 bills.

We entered another hallway and the woman went on her way. I recognized a friend making photocopies. When I went up to her I dropped a box I had been carrying that was full of supplies. Something broke that was organic in nature.

fred-savage

Fred Savage 

Interpretation

When I woke I knew the firecrackers/dynamite represented the lighting of the Kundalini and the pairs were representative of the masculine and feminine. The Fred Savage looking guy was my masculine side. I recall him being chubby and this was a turn off for me. Then again, I don’t find Fred Savage particularly attractive anyway. lol

It appears there is a rejection of the masculine occurring in my currently. I’m not sure if my rejection of the firecrackers is positive or negative,though. It seems there is a rejection of the K energy. I don’t want it to rise like it has in the past. Perhaps I’ve had enough of its distraction?

Overall my dreams seem to indicate the potential for dramatic change fast approaching, a change I don’t want and am resisting.

Symbolism

Red – intense emotion, anger, passion, impulsiveness.

Shoes – my approach toward life. Changing my approach.

Shoelaces (tying) – preparing to move forward, take on a challenge.

Uneven shoelaces – the left is longer than the right, the feminine/masculine unbalanced, more focus on feminine.

Socks – flexibility, being more understanding of others and situations.

Dynamite – danger, a significant change is approaching and there may be a situation that blows up.

Volcano – unable to control emotions, if dormant then the emotions are under control but there is significant danger that it will erupt and be damaging and hurtful to others.

Pyramid – major changes will occur in short period of time.

ATM – desires for financial security.

Groceries – need for something in life, feeling something is missing.

Lessons

There was a whole dream sequence about my mom buying a single wide mobile home and putting it in the front of her yard. It was specifically meant for my sister’s family because they are unable (unwilling IMO) to provide for themselves and their son. They use their son to manipulate others into helping them and use their felony records as excuses as to why they can’t keep up with their bills.

This dream is a reflection of what is currently going on and how I feel about it. I don’t want to visit my mom’s house anymore because it now is mixed with the energy of my sister’s family and her husband especially has erratic energy/mood. My mom’s home no longer feels like the sanctuary it once was to me. I also have feelings of anger toward my sister for taking advantage of my mom, making the choices she does, and purposefully asking for handouts rather than working for herself to earn a living.

As I was thinking of the situation, my guidance said to me, “How’s what she is doing different from what you are doing?” This put me in my place fast. I am choosing not to work and living off my husband. He is okay with providing for me. It is no different from my sister not working and my mom choosing to provide for her. Perfect example of how the judgments we make about others are really reflections of our own self-loathing. More contemplation will come from this I am sure.

Vision

Speaking of self-loathing, I had a vision of looking in the mirror at my reflection. I took a razor blade and began to cut my face purposefully. I made vertical cuts every inch or so until cuts covered my entire face. When it healed the scarring made my face looked striped. It resembled bars, like a jail cell. My reaction to this was just curiosity and there was a feeling of gratification which was odd, like I was making a work of art out of my face.

by

Message: Risk and Aliveness

This morning I awoke feeling discouraged. Unsure what exactly had occurred in my sleep, I sat down to document yet another dream but felt little motivation to do so. As I began to type a message came through from my guidance (Council). It surprised me and brought on emotion toward the end because I have been feeling distanced from them.

You may be feeling a bit lost right now, stuck in between the beginning of a new chapter in your life and the end of an old one. This transition is necessary and though you may feel not to be moving or making much progress, there is so much more occurring under the surface of this change than you realize. 

It is in moments such as these that allowance is your best friend. Accept that you are in this transition stage; that you are not yet ready to begin the next chapter despite feeling restless and wanting to do so this very moment. We would suggest to be patient, but we know how you despise that word for it has been used against you by those you love for their own purposes this entire lifetime. So rather than go in that direction, we ask that you use this time to reflect on your most recent past experiences so that you can better understand their impact upon your life and your progress through it. How did the experience surprise you? How did it disappoint you? What is it about the experience that causes you to return to it over and over in your mind? What are you looking for? 

Sometimes it is difficult to let go of an especially interesting adventure in this plane of existence. The mystery, the suspense, the drama of such experiences hold our attention much like a movie does for the viewer except that when one is immersed in such an experience it is more alluring and captivating. Even the less palatable portions of the experience entice one to continue to explore and participate. It is your very nature that causes you to delight in these experiences for this why you are here – to experience the very extremes of this plane of existence. So in knowing that, in recognizing this very truth, there should be no regret, no despair at the apparent loss of such experiences for they served their purpose and you took advantage when you could very well have turned away when the opportunity was presented. 

So celebrate your success in taking the plunge when so often you choose not to. In doing so you chose to live when so often you exchange living for the familiar and the safe. In security there is little growth. Growth comes from challenge; from tasting the extremes of existence. Growth does not result from sameness. Sameness results only in stagnation. 

As Spirit participating in this human game-experience the struggles are real. We do not question that nor disagree with your complaints, which are frequent and quite liberal we must add. We only ask that you step back occasionally and view your experiences as they are rather than from the human perspective which is your tendency. The human perspective is so limited. It sees only what fuels its underlying purpose: Serve self. S(s)elf-service is not bad for it is through the self (in contrast to the Self) that one experiences the extremes of this plane most profoundly.  If you could instead view this life from the perspective of Self, then you would understand with clarity what is derived from the experience. The complete picture is vastly different from the little picture of which is your primary focus. 

We understand and do not expect you to take on the perspective of the Self continuously. In fact, it would be impossible for you to do so without undermining the self completely and thus losing your humanity in the process. The point is not to toss away, destroy or utterly decimate the human self to the point of non-function. No. If you considered this to be the case you have fooled yourself and become disillusioned and drawn into the game to your own detriment. The self must be contained but not destroyed. Self and self are meant to work together, not separate but not inseparable. They are companions on this journey through life, assisting one another, giving each the other’s perspective so as to enhance the total experience. Each provides the other with a lens through which to see life – one in black and white, the other in full HD color. 

The FULL life experience is waiting for you. It always has been. The task now is to grab hold of it, live it fully without restraint. Life lived does not mean risk in the sense that you are risking your life, but it does take risk to step away from that which is comfortable. Risk here invites loss and often this side of risk is all that one sees. Loss and failure is in fact all that the self sees when it considers taking a risk. Yet risk also invites success, excitement, jubilation. This is what the Self sees – the possibilities and living innate in taking a risk. Risk places you in the middle of success and failure and offers no guarantees. It exposes the taker revealing their underlying vulnerability, an uncomfortable truth the self doesn’t want to see.

We are not implying that inviting risk into your life experience is an easy task. However, consider how you have experienced risk in your life thus far. Risk that is thrust upon you by life circumstance, seemingly not of your making and out of your control, is often the kind of risk encountered by the self. This is risk wearing the mask of no-responsibility. The self claims no-responsibility. It says, “I didn’t choose this. I had to do it. I was forced to do it.”

But what if risk was a fully conscious choice? How then might it be perceived? Add conscious choice to your risk taking and suddenly its personality transforms. Risk become adventure. Excitement. A game. It becomes Life. It brings A-Life – Aliveness.

We brought this message to you this morning because you have been struggling. Sameness bothers you. You rebel against it. You always have. Yet you find yourself immersed in sameness, trapped by it (your words). You try to convince yourself that sameness is good, that you can overcome it merely by accepting it fully as a permanent condition of this lifetime. But sameness doesn’t have to be permanent and you don’t have to accept it as your life. 

As always we invite you to consider what we have said without imposition. You have been gifted with free will. We only encourage you to use it. 

 

 

 

by

Dreams – Lost, Attacked and Reviewing Life Decisions

The geomagnetic storm continued through the night and is currently still in the yellow. Though I am not experiencing any physical symptoms – feeling super good actually – my sleep was majorly affected. We had a massive thunderstorm move through Central Texas last night around 2am. It sounded like a hurricane outside the winds were so high. I couldn’t get back to sleep after it woke me up and when I did I had weird, even scary, dreams that kept waking me up afterward.

Dream: Lost and Attacked

The dream began inside my old middle school, in a classroom that was my homeroom in 7th grade. There was a teacher who was also my peer telling me that she had to take a teaching job to pay off her $40k student debt. I was shocked that she had gotten so into debt from college. I counted myself blessed to have only had to pay off an $8k debt and told her about how my sister and her husband wracked up $30k in debt because they used the loans to live off of.

At some point the woman left and I sat in the teacher’s desk looking at books on a shelf behind it. One was a dream dictionary focusing specifically on anxiety dream symbolism. Curious, I flipped through the book and read through the examples of different anxiety dreams and how they manifested. One particular dream type associated with anxiety dreams were guide-led dreams where there was direct interaction and/or communication with one or more guides. I read it and said to my guidance, “Those kinds of dreams account for more than half of my dreams.” Then I thought about it and said to them, “But I’m not typically anxious, especially right now.”

I should have seen this reference as a clue of what was to come. Ha!

The next thing I know I am driving along city streets in my old SUV.  I hear a familiar song playing and the words, “Everything’s gonna be fine, fine, fine.” Looking ahead I seem to know where I am going and am focused and reassured. However, the road soon begins to look unfamiliar to me. Did I miss my turn? I saw the road ended ahead of me. There was a barricade marked with a big red X. I didn’t know what else to do but keep going so I went into the parking lot the road ended at. It was the parking lot of a college campus I think, but it was very dark and no lights were on.

I park my car but am completely confused. I don’t know where I am and when I try to think about how I got there I can’t recall anything. It’s like my mind is wiped clean. I begin to walk toward one of the buildings but it is unfamiliar and this worries me. For a brief moment I am reassured that all will be okay. I have a car, and my phone….wait a minute, where is my phone? I look down at my purse and it is not there. I think, “I must have left it in the car.” Then I think, “Where is my car? I don’t remember where I parked it?” Then I stop and can’t figure out where I am or how I got where I am despite just being in the hallway of the college building I entered.

I remember being afraid that I was losing my mind. It seems that my memory is wiped clean every few minutes. I decide to head back to the parking lot to find my car but cannot recall how I got where I was inside the building and then panic that I won’t be able to get out.  I walk outside and look at the street sign. I think I am on 6th Street but the sign has another name I can’t even read. I panic again, look for my phone, see it is missing and then freak because I can’t recall where I parked my car.

Somehow I manage to make my way back to the parking lot but it is unfamiliar and not the one I think I parked my car in. I walked by several people. I am frantic. Nothing is familiar and my car is nowhere. I see the parking attendant who is shutting the lights off for the parking lot. I walk up to her in a panic saying, “I can’t find my car. I can’t remember how I got here. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.” I repeat this over and over like a crazy person. The attendant takes me by the elbow and walks with me saying, “It’s okay. I can help you.” People walking past look at me like I’m crazy or sick.

Then I am laying in bed in my old bedroom at my mom’s house. I am still panicked and I feel someone standing to my left. I can’t see them, they are like a shadow, but I sense them and can mentally see their outline. I try to move away from them by shifting to my right but they bend over and grab hold of me. This terrifies me and I keep trying to pull away but I can’t move. I feel frozen and still feel hands on me. The hands seem to be pushing, though, not pulling. I begin to feel the person is negative and try to recite the Lord’s Prayer for protection but I can’t remember it and forget it mid-way. I am reminded of my recent amnesia and begin to despair. What is happening to me? Why can’t I remember anything? A male voice says to me, “You said you wanted to never have to work again. Now you’ll have that.” Is he making a joke? I said, “I don’t want to be like this all the time!” I heard back, “It won’t be all the time, just every once in a while.” I was not having that either and tried to pull away again. The hands seemed heavier and my body was still frozen.

Then I thought, “Maybe this person is not bad. Maybe I should stop resisting.” I relaxed my body. The hands remained firmly upon me. I tried to move my body, willing it with every ounce of my being, but I was paralyzed. Then I thought, “Maybe this person is trying to wake me up?”

And I woke up, my body jerking as I willed it to move.

When I woke up I was a bit startled but unafraid. I could feel the energy of the person from my dream still on my left. I tried to communicate with him but got no response, yet I knew he was not bad. Then I felt there were three more beings huddled over me, really close. I said, “What is happening to me?” They said, “You are breaking.” I didn’t understand. They did not communicate anything else to me, just remained standing over me.

lostDream: Get Out!

I was watching my ex-husband getting into a flat bed semi-truck loaded with large logs/lumber. He was leaving and I was not going with him. What is strange is that a man put a rag into the gas tank opening and connected it to an open canister of diesel. I remember thinking he was crazy as it would surely blow up the truck.

There was a discussion with a woman then about my ex separating from his current wife. The woman said, “She will be leaving a good thing (meaning money) like you did. Don’t you regret losing that kind of security?” I thought about it and said, “No. You can buy and buy all you want but it won’t make you happy. I could have stayed and had all the money I ever wanted. I could have done lots of things with that money, but I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have been miserable, maybe even killed myself. It’s not worth it.” There was discussion about leaving my current husband and the drawbacks of it being similar. To be secure versus being happy. Which is better?

Then the scene shifted and I was inside a home standing in front of a bed. I saw two of my children in it and went to get them. My mother-in-law was there and got super angry at me and yelled at me, “Get out of here! I don’t want you in here. Get out!” I told her I was just trying to get my kids out of her space so she could get some sleep. She was furious and ranting and raving so I left. My husband came in and began to defend her and scolded me for purposefully trying to upset her. I felt all the negative energy and tried to get away from it.

When I woke up a song was going through my head – Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall. The part that kept repeating was, “Suddenly I see, this is what I wanna be. Suddenly I see, why the hell it means so much to me….She makes me feel like I could be a tower, a big strong tower. The power to be, the power to give, the power to see, yeah, yeah.”

Considerations

The first dream, although confusing and scary, did not cause me to wake in fear or panic. I suspect I experienced a bit of sleep paralysis. I was very lucid toward the end but couldn’t move my body. The person pushing me was likely trying to wake me up and I wonder if it was the OOB version of me doing it. Hmmm.

I was a bit concerned when I awoke but not freaking out. The message, “You are breaking” bothers me. I wonder if my guidance meant “break” or “brake”. Am I stopping hard, as in “brake”? Or is this some kind of “break” – as in malfunctioning or maybe a vacation? Not sure but it was a strange message.

I am certain I was confronting some of my fears. Fear of going crazy, fear of disassociation, mental issues such as amnesia or dementia. The memory loss was very real and upsetting. I would not want to experience it as my waking reality, that’s for sure! My main focus was on getting back home in the dream so I was probably also confronting my inability to get home (as in spiritual home) because of memory loss.

The second dream was odd and I suspect I was sorting through past decisions from this life. Lumber indicates a fresh start in life is needed. When I woke up I was thinking about my ex-husband and kicking myself for not agreeing to half of his retirement in the divorce agreement. lol As his first wife I could have claimed it but I chose not to because we were only married 5 years and I didn’t see how I deserved to get money he would be working 20+ years to earn. There is some regret at the loss of the income/security I left behind, but I did not love him and would have been miserable if I had stayed. Every time I consider that life decision I do not regret it.

I’m not sure what the song is all about. Perhaps I am seeing a version of myself that is strong and capable – the power to be, give and see?