Tag Archives: ascension

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Cassiopeia

I was awakened from a particularly odd and intensely vivid experience last night. I was semi-lucid to lucid during the experience, which made it that much more intense, but I do not recall the sensation of leaving the body.

Cassiopeia

When I first became aware of being in this dream experience, I was with a guide who I could not see but could hear clearly. The guide felt male to me and was asking a female who was with me to point out her star in the sky. She pointed upward and the entire scene shifted in a circular motion, as if we were rotated in some way. Above us the entire night sky opened up and a bright star was located, focused upon and then magnified. I got extremely excited at this time but do not recall what we talked about regarding this star. I knew it represented a planet, though, as the image when magnified was of a planet and not a star. I do not remember now what the planet looked like.

The male guide who was with us then asked me, “Where is your star?” I eagerly pointed to the opposite side of the woman’s star. It was low on the horizon and very bright. “There”, I said.

Again, the entire scene around us shifted with us in it. I felt to be in some kind of circular craft or ship but could not identify it as such. However, I could see the massive image of a planet behind me. I assumed it to be Earth as it was full of blues and greens like Earth. It was just behind me in my peripheral vision and I knew then that I was not on this planet but above it actually in the night sky!

I focused on the night sky and saw my star/planet. I was very happy that we were focusing upon it. As I watched, the planet became magnified to the point that I was actually standing on it. The woman who was with me was now gone and it was just me and this being/guide. I say being because at this point he felt foreign to me and very, very intelligent and wise beyond anything I have felt from my other guides.

I found myself standing upon a blue, spongy ground that appeared to be in layers. Looking at it from above, it appeared like feathers layered upon feathers of blue.The blue was vibrant and bold and I thought nothing of it being there. It was as it should be.

I was extremely excited at this point, looking upward at the night sky from my position on the blue spongy ground. I could see platforms of similar blue material above me and asked permission to “fly/jump” up to these platforms. I got the go-ahead to explore from my guide who seemed to enjoy watching my excitement. There was a paternal feeling coming from him and I felt very much like a child embarking on an adventure of learning.

I was hesitant at first about whether I could make it to the first platform. It was oval and loomed about twenty feet above me. I could see other platforms above and to the side. They seemed almost like a staircase leading up. I saw nothing but black void above so it is no surprise that I was intimidated.

I jumped up but failed to make it the first time. I got encouragement form my guide so tried again. This time I made it.

The next thing I knew I was in a city that appeared very modern but it is a city without walls. The rooms and buildings (not sure what to call them) were divided by low walls that were short enough to step over. I went directly to a seat near one of the low dividers and sat down. I remember someone talking to me then, a female who I could not see but who was on the same level as me and was my “friend”. We were talking about eating and I saw spread out next to me food in a display waiting to be eaten. I don’t remember exactly what the food was but in my mind I saw it as “dessert”. I recall taking a bite and being encouraged to eat more by my friend who was thrilled that I was there. I told her, “I am saving it for later” and said something about it being “mine” and always being there and available to me.

My consciousness got the better of me at this point and I pulled myself out of the “dream” and into the “in-between” state. I stayed there in the void for some time talking to the guide who had shown me this mysterious planet of blue. I could see clearly in my mind a vision of the planet I had been hovering over prior to visiting the blue place. I had thought it was Earth but it did not appear as Earth. It was too large and the land masses were not the same. Plus it had odd cloud formations that swirled and had a golden coloring in them. I blinked to get a better look and the image did not falter. I wondered silently, “Where am I?

To my surprise I got a clear answer, “Cassiopeia”. I repeated it, “Cassiopeia” and heard myself corrected with, “CassiopEIa” (emphasis on the long E sound).

I felt true admiration for the name and the planet at this point and kept repeating the name so I would not forget. In the midst of my repeating I heard, “We are here”. This threw me and I began to have my alien considerations and so began to reject that any of the experience was real. I was instantly calmed and remembered then that my origins prior to Earth were likely alien and so relaxed. I did not completely reject the possibility but was not receptive to further communication.

When I opened my eyes I heard a final message, “Expect change”.

Space Traveling

I spent the rest of the morning in dreams that are hard to recall. I do, however, remember flying through space with my guide at one point being taught about different planets. I know I was on the moon of one of them being shown a planet. I wish I could remember more of what I saw and experienced but I must have been too curious and so was only allowed to recall some of it.

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Be Aware

Last night was full of intense dreams.

Grandmother

In this dream I was with someone and we were walking through a parking lot looking at what appeared to be a water tower. I was being instructed on how to move the water in order to put our fires. I remember only that the water tower was one of those old metal ones that an individual might keep on a farm.

Then I saw my grandmother walk by and exclaimed, “Did you see that! It was Nanny!”. She appeared younger than when she passed, probably around my age instead of 89. Her hair was short and dark brown and she just walked by without looking at me.

Later, I was sorting through some things for my grandmother. I was in the “bunk house” and sitting on the floor. I was putting tiny bits of food into bags. Someone was saying to me, “Nanny is here”. I replied, “Nanny is dead, she can’t be here”. They continued to say it and I continued to sort the food until finally I took note and thought, “Nanny is here?”

The next thing I remember is sitting in my mother’s living room in her leather recliner. My grandmother was there with me and talking to me. She appeared different than normal, though. Her face was older but her body was that of a small child.

She came up and hugged me and I let her. But she smelled odd. Sweet and sickly. I didn’t like the smell. She smelled like the old people at a rest home. She smelled like death. I remember shying away from her bare skin but allowing her to hug me. I felt repulsed by her, but I loved her.

She curled up into a fetal position and I felt helpless and wanted to run away. She looked up at me and said, “Please don’t let me suffer. Please don’t let me suffer”. I jumped up with her in my arms and gave her to my mom who was sitting on the sofa next to me. I placed her curled up child body in my mother’s arms. My grandmother’s body began to look a lot like my middle son. He/she said, “Please don’t let me suffer”. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt at the sight of seeing her/him and was overcome with grief.

I awoke in tears.

Reflection

I awoke and could not stop the tears. I understood what we had been discussing in the dream. I began to avoid my grandmother as she got older. I felt uncomfortable around her. I could sense death coming to her. I could smell it. The whole house smelled like it. Towards the end I forced myself to visit her so she could meet her latest great-grand son. He was already a month old when I finally went. I let her hold him and took a picture. I felt like running out of there as fast as I could. I always felt like that when I visited her toward the end.

When my grandmother was in hospice, I took my entire family to visit and we sat around and sang hymnals to her. She opened her eyes when I said hello to her and stared at me for some time. Her pupils were small and fixed. My mom said she likely couldn’t even see me.

I watched as my mom moistened my grandmother’s lips with glycerin. The hospice would not give my grandmother any water or food. My mom was torn up over this. She did not know this is what hospice did. She did not think she would have to sit by and watch her mother starve/dehydrate to death. I felt wretched inside. I was willing my grandmother to go, to be at peace.

I wasn’t there when my grandmother passed away a day later. I knew when it happened, though, and I felt such relief. My grandmother was finally out of her prison.

The next week my grandmother visited me often as I drove to work and throughout the day. She was around me for about a week straight. I told no one in my family. She was happy and full of energy, so unlike the woman I knew in life. I knew had I known her when she was younger that we would have had great fun together. She was adventurous and mischievous in youth. Oh how life had changed her!

Then I remembered the article I read about measles. There was a personal account by a woman in her 90’s who lost her 6 year old son to the illness. There was a picture. He looked just like my middle son. I broke down into tears at the thought of losing my son. I believe that is why the dream showed my son in the end. I so fear losing him.

I recognized my fear of what death does to the physical form. The smell. The decay. The void that follows a loved one’s departure from life. Illness and old age show no mercy. It is so difficult to confront that in life. I hate that I avoided my grandmother because of it. The guilt was present in my dream. I believe she was there helping me as part of her revitalization and as part of my healing. I mentally sent her a thank you and an I love you.

Message

I fell back to sleep and had dreams about work which I will not go into. When I finally awoke my husband would not let me return to sleep. I ended up dozing in the “in-between” state until I finally got up.

During this time I saw a very clear vision. In front of me was a simple, silver, metal lunch box. It had raised lettering that said, “Be Aware” on the top. Below those words it said, “Change Ahead”. At first I read ‘Beware” but I felt my attention drawn back to the top words and saw it was, “Be Aware”. I was corrected in order to see the correct message.

Be aware: Change ahead.

When I questioned what “change” this was, the answer I was given was a visual of my chakras from bottom to top.

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This is It

Since Monday I have been sensing a distinct change in the energy of Earth. As  a result my own energy has been affected.

Yesterday the energy seemed to “peak”. I felt this peak the most pronounced at around 4pm. I had the urge to go outside for a walk and took my children to the playground. While there, I walked around and around the playground, feeling my feet sink in the deep gravel. Today they felt even more comforting to me. It was like I was seeking a union with the Earth.

The sky was the most intense blue and clear of clouds. The temperature was in the mid 60’s and a little brisk but I enjoyed feeling it on my bare arms. I sat and stared at one of the large trees next to the playground. I became interested in getting up close and personal with it. So I went up and hugged one of its bare branches and looked up through its many leafless boughs into the blue sky. The contrast of color was distinct and breathtaking. I wanted to take a picture but I knew it wouldn’t do it justice.

Oddly, I felt inclined to smell it. I took a deep breath but hardly smelled anything. I tried again and was able to get a whiff of the faintest woody smell. I smiled and hugged the tree some more. It felt so solid and strong and I had a flash of childhood, climbing up high in the branches of a similar tree.

I spent another ten minutes or so just inspecting the tree’s bark. It had green lichen growing on it which for some reason fascinated me. There were also colors in the bark I had not noticed before: dark gray, white, light gray, and browns of varying shades. I lightly let my fingers flow over the bark, feeling each of the crevices and grooves. What a miracle!

Finally, I just stood holding onto the tree and feeling my feet on the green grass. I swear I could feel the energy of everything at that moment – the tree, the sky, the grass, the dirt, the pebbles – everything! I remember thinking, “This is just like astral. It is the same. There is no difference. It is all real”.

And I realized what I have been missing right here in this reality. This. This IS IT. And when I go to other realities it is the same. I miss so much detail. So much life. It is all around me and I walk right by without thinking to look; to see.

It is true: We can see our reflection in everything. One is the other.

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Benign

I just got a call from my dermatologist’s office. I was told the biopsy result. She called it a “benign irritated seborrheaic keratosis”. She congratulated me and hung up. When I looked up the term I learned it is basically an irritated mole.

I texted my husband and he sent back, “What???” I laughed because I had no idea what it was either until I looked it up. It basically is just a mole that somehow got irritated. Considering how dry my skin had been (it is no longer that way) I am not surprised. I am still wondering where the mole came from in the first place. There wasn’t one there before. It just appeared out of nowhere.

In my research I found that these moles are linked to a metabolic disorder known as Syndrome X. Curious, I read more about it. My mother and sister fit the description almost perfectly! Me, not really. The only thing I have – well had – was overly dry skin. However, it is clear that I am a likely candidate for such a disorder based upon my genetics and past bad eating habits. I wonder if anyone in my family has this condition?

Ascension After All?

So now I am again thinking my physical issues may have in fact been ascension related. Most of my complaints are gone now. This temporariness is characteristic of ascension symptoms. They come on suddenly and then leave just as suddenly. They may stick around for a while (hours to days to a few weeks), making you paranoid that you are seriously ill, but they go away just the same.

Since my last symptoms list I have lost the following symptoms (they vanished):

  • Dry skin
  • Headaches
  • Extreme thirst
  • Extreme hunger especially at night
  • Deep sleep
  • Eczema/rash/mole/skin sensitivity
  • Sexual dysfunction/disinterest

My current symptom list:

  • Lower back ache
  • Upper back tightness
  • Sweating
  • OBE’s and lucid dreams
  • Direct guide communication while OBE or in lucid dream
  • Vision issues at night where image stops and seems to “jump”
  • People starring at me for no reason
  • Energy sensations/buzzing
  • Ringing in ears on and off
  • Trapped/built up energy in chakras resulting in intense need to ground energy
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2005

I have been reading my journal and am currently in 2005. All I can say is WOW what a crazy, eventful year!

Below you will find my experiences in timeline fashion. The experiences are color coded. Blue is astral projection/OBE, green is a guide encounter experience, red is kundalini. Black is for either ideas/concepts or for experiences that I do not know how to categorize.

January, 2005

29th – While wide awake I heard a voice singing in a foreign language in my head. When I focused on it, I could understand the words. It said:

As the sun turns a deep blood red,

And rivers rise high and flood the land,

The Earth as we know it will begin to fall,

And tears of sorrow you’ll understand.

February, 2005

7th – Astral. Consciously just “walked” out of my body. Heard velcro sound upon exit. I had a teacher who was showing me how to exit when this happened. I asked him “Can I go through the door?” He said, “No”. So I reached out and it was solid so I had to open it. Then I wanted to go outside to my car. I began to think my way there and started spinning real fast. I heard, “No!” and got pulled down. I fell to the floor on my rear. I could feel the cold floor and then became aware of being in two places at once – my bed and on the floor. I could feel my heart pounding in my physical body like I went for a run but I was not in my body, I was sitting by the front door on the floor. I went back to my body and my heart was pounding.

Later discussion with my teacher revealed he was from the Pleiades, He had almost transparent skin and appeared to have webbing between his fingers. There was mention of “Aquatica” and him researching Earth and Earth consciousness. He also warned me about the stress astral projection puts on the physical body.

13th – I was told about the three levels of ascension: transformation of mind, transformation and completion of physical structure and transformation and attainment of spiritual truth (purpose).

March, 2005 – Only lucid dreams this month.

April, 2005

2nd – Guided out of my body by a male guide. Was told to “let go” and when I did I felt free of my body and heard a roaring noise in my ears. I was reminded to “stay focused” several times because I would get overly excited and almost pop back into my body. I couldn’t see but I felt my body moving very, very fast like on a roller coaster. When I did see all I saw was my alarm clock showing 8am and then the numbers started moving forward very fast. I threw open my arms and felt a hand and then grabbed on. I was thrown into a man. I heard a quiet, masculine voice say, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more (I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. He had a U.K. accent and I was about to ask his name but came back into my body.

16th – Spontaneous past life recollection. I relived an incident where I was a little girl of 12 years being gang raped by a bunch of white men (I was a black slave). They held a board over my throat so I couldn’t yell and beat me up pretty badly. I crawled home and was taken care of by my family.

May, 2005

16th – Couldn’t go to sleep after waking up. Heard my guide say, “Go back to sleep”. Closed my eyes and was hit with instant vibrations that were intense over the top of my head and eyes. A picture appears in front of me and I walked into it without even thinking. I came out into a night sky flying and singing. Flew over houses and went into mobile home. Interacted with Hispanic family and then left because it was heavy energy. I climbed into a bed and went to “sleep” and then felt a man. I looked at him and said, “Nick!” He told me, “We were brother and sister in one life – I am Nick you are Grace”. Then I went to a hospital helping sick by giving them energy. I worked with a mother, Barbara, who was having a baby and stayed with her until the baby was born. I then flew by some waterfalls and then saw Nick again and we hugged and talked. I woke up and then when I closed my eyes a screen appeared and I knew I could easily walk through it. I chose to stay. This astral was about 3 hours total length.

19th – Experience of being in two places as I was staring at a TV. screen but not really watching the movie. I felt sucked into the TV. and felt transported to another place. I came back suddenly and with some fear.

25th – Had another experience where I was driving home, feeling very down and wishing I could leave life. I had a very strong pull come from within me that steered the car towards the edge of a bridge I was driving over. I panicked, not sure where this sudden overtaking of my body was. I struggled but managed to keep the car on the road.

June, 2005

3rd – Reading the book Astral Dynamics by Robert Bruce. He talks about the trance state and I am convinced that I have been going into trance frequently and this may be the cause for the bridge episode.

5th – Astral experiences detailed here (not going to write them out). Noted that I am not in real-time but most often in astral.

7th – More astral experiences. Learning how to stay in astral and manipulate objects/speed/location.

energyhealingJuly, 2005

2nd – 1st astral: Entered trance state easily. Saw hypnagogic images, heard buzzing in my ears and a loud WHOOSH sound and I exited my body. Walked through objects easily and enjoyed feeling myself become the objects. I found myself watching a map of the universe and then focused in upon Earth. I saw military operations in the desert. I saw a train carrying a helicopter and war machinery and the terrain was very barren with rocks and boulders. I asked to not be shown these things and so focused upon my body, purposefully moving it to come out of astral.

2nd astral: This was my first conscious projection with one of the methods from Bruce’s book. I felt myself outside my body after trying a technique of rocking my body. I ended up head down staring at the floor and out of my body. I noted that I could not go through objects like last time. I played around, learning to materialize objects. Made money materialize and then my dog joined me and we romped around a while. Then I flew up into the sky and was pulled with such velocity upward that I ended up in space staring down at the Earth. The overwhelm of it brought me back to my body.

5th – Went into trance state while walking on my treadmill and listening to Aboriginal music. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the exercise. Then my eyes went into REM followed by a bright, white light that took over my entire vision. I felt the familiar vibration that signaled I could leave my body. I almost did except I worried what would happen to my body since I was on the treadmill. So I stayed in body and played with the trance state some.

6th – Recognizing the conflict created by Ego resistance and the results: chaotic thoughts, distress, destructive tendencies, “soul split” can occur, confusion, disorientation, paranoia, feelings of insanity. One must choose Ego or the Higher Self. Recognition that one creates their own reality is inherent in this process.

20-30th – Went to U.K. Had several hypnosis sessions. I recalled a life as a Native American. There was a ghost in the house I stayed at that I had to deal with. I had several astral adventures but do not go into all of them. In one I went to San Francisco and another to my old high school.

August, 2005 – Mostly lucid dreams this month, family illness, personal upheaval, sister divorced, decisions on what to do, past issues came up.

21st – Guide encounter. Astral meeting. All senses were present. He spoke to me with accent and said his name was Rostan.

29th – Went to psychiatrist who said my OBEs were “psychotic episodes”. She quickly diagnosed me as Bipolar 2 and kept trying to get me to admit I was drinking alcohol and traumatized (which I wasn’t). She gave me an antipsychotic and antidepressant to take.

30-31st – Medicine is making me feel really off and dizzy. It makes me sleep so deep I don’t dream and makes me feel shaky all the time. I stopped taking it two days later.

September, 2005 Most of this month is lucid dream after lucid dream.

4th – Astral experience where the bed felt to be moving and I was pulled into pictures. When I would come back to my body it would happen again and again. I was also hit with intense energy sensations all over my body but mostly around third eye and top of head. Friend later told me this was kundalini.

October, 2005

11th – I wrote that my dreams have all been very sexual for the past month or so. I had an experience where while I was OOB I was hit with a strong energy in my root chakra. It shot up as if in a wide cylinder and moved up my center through my chakras. It expanded as it moved and filled me with such ecstasy that it brought me back to my body. It continued and I began to cry from the experience of it. It was orgasmic but in a different way and hard to explain.

22nd – I’ve been very depressed since the ecstasy experience. I had a guide encounter in astral. I heard his voice audibly. He gave me instructions on how to return to the “in-between” space where I can talk to him without interference. He said it was “a place where past, present and future existed at the same time”. I did as he instructed and went into the lives of other people (some in great detail). I couldn’t tell what time they were from but was told I would be taught how.

25th – I mention that I have had many astral experiences but they were mostly just me alone doing my thing, so I didn’t write about them. I mention a projection where I was being taught how to control astral better and manipulate it. I was taught how to travel using thought and practiced it and met up with others in astral and spoke with about 5 different people. One was a police officer and one told me, “That’s not allowed here” when I asked her name. It appeared that I was meeting people from present time but I didn’t know why.

Your-Higher-SelfNovember, 2005

3rd – Guide encounter in astral. He appeared to me as moving, brilliant light energy with a bluish hue. I heard him and he had an Australian accent. I saw him mostly as blue light though I could make out features. He moved like water. He told me, “I was your first birthday present”. He said much more to tell me as well but I did not write it all down.
The rest of the month was mainly lucid dreams.

December, 2005

4th – Astral 2 times. I met up with people, ate food and thought, “Wow, things even taste better in astral”. My vision blacked out a lot and I realized it happened anytime I resisted doing what my Higher Self wanted. When I was in black out my guide would remind me to stay focused and then I would return to astral.

13th – Astral. I was recognizing the right energy to exit my body. Was told to create whatever I wanted and I ended up standing next to huge, crystal clear ocean on the beach. I saw a peacock and scared it by accident. It ran into the water, almost drowning. I tried to save it but it made it more afraid. I finally let it alone and it came out of the water.

16th – Astral. Walked into several pictures. Finally, I walked into a picture of a lake. I ended up at a lake that was surrounded by a glass house. I went into the dark, cool water and felt huge relief.

22nd – Massive amount of energy descended on me from above. I was not asleep or meditating – I was wide awake! It filled my entire body and felt like a swarm of bees buzzing inside of me. I felt electric or as if I had been magnetized. I relaxed into it. Then the energy seemed to reach a state of equilibrium and my astral body exited out the top of my head. Yet the buzzing energy stayed with me even OOB. My astral body moved so rapidly I felt like I was on a roller coaster and it scared me a little. When I opened my eyes I was traveling very fast. Neon blue lines and shapes zipped past me at dizzying speeds. So I closed my eyes and continued with the energy. I change direction a few times. When I opened my eyes I was underneath my bed! I then went around my house in astral for a while, exploring, flying, etc.

28th – Astral. I flew over an ocean and saw tropical trees and beaches. I knew I was in Australia. I skimmed the top of the water until I got to the island. There I explored a boardwalk lined with stores. It felt familiar and I was happy to be back. I went into a shop and there, sitting all alone at a table, was my Dad. I was overjoyed! I ran up to him and hugged him tightly. We spoke at length about my sister. He warned me of tough times ahead for her and I recall seeing visions of her sleeping on a sofa and being depressed and sad. He told me I needed to help her. I remember thinking it odd that he came to me to talk to me about my sister but I accepted his visit gratefully.

Note: My sister went through a period of difficult times after this OBE that continues to this day.

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Shutting Down

I made an appointment to see a doctor in my area for the end of the month. I have to bring a bunch of paperwork with me, so I went ahead and filled it out. It always blows me away when I fill out the family and personal medical history! I have heart related issues on both sides of my family, pretty much guaranteeing that I will have some kind of heart-related issue in my life. High blood pressure, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, high cholesterol, blood clots, and faulty heart valves. I am probably missing something in that list, too. It also really freaked me out when I wrote in my grandmother’s cancer since she got it when she was around my age. It didn’t help me feel any better.

Strange Premonitions

I am going to call this a “premonition” but it is really not like what most think. I didn’t get a vision or hear a voice or even have a dream. The last couple of days I have been doing something normal and have suddenly worried I would lose muscle control in my hands and drop whatever I was holding. For example, yesterday, I picked up the remote control which was dragged into the kitchen and slobbered on by my baby (his new favorite toy) and I got a distinct worry/feeling that my hand would suddenly drop the remote despite my holding onto it. I was a bit concerned at first, wondering if it were really happening, and had to do a reality check. I squeezed the remote and all was okay, but I didn’t forget the weird feeling/flash.

I had another similar flash/worry while typing on the computer this morning. It was the same as with the remote. While I was typing I suddenly kept feeling that my hands were going to just stop doing what I asked them to. I had a “flash” of this more like a worry than a vision and I kept having to double check what I was typing. Interestingly, I kept mistyping things and got very frustrated for a bit.

Perhaps I just created all of these visions from my overwhelming consideration that something is not quite right? I don’t know, but I can tell you that it is very unsettling to have these types of visions. It is like for a millisecond I truly believe that I have this loss of muscle function. I panic and then find I was only day dreaming it.

I will put this on the “shelf” in the back of my mind like I do all the other weird things that I can’t explain. Hopefully it is not a real premonition and just me being a worry wart.

Staring

I mentioned this in one of my other posts and since I am still noticing it, I will bring it up again. Whenever I go out into a store or a public place, I catch people staring at me. It is not just glancing, but dead on staring. It is also not just men, though there are more men than women who do it. And it is not a stare that I am comfortable with. It leaves me with an uncomfortable feeling like I need to go check the mirror to make sure I don’t have a big booger on my face.

I don’t know what it is and when I consult with my guide I hear, “How you appear on the outside is not how you appear on the inside”. I don’t get what he means, though. What the heck do I look like to people that they keep staring at me?? I want to think they are looking at something positive, like my inner radiance (gag) is shining through. But I don’t feel radiant. I have been told that my aura is a bright sun-colored orange right now. Maybe that has something to do with it. Who knows.

But then I get what my guide said. How I feel on the inside is not visible to others. They are seeing something else. It is funny to me that they might be seeing beauty because when I go out into public now I don’t wear makeup. Most of the time I am even wearing sloppy clothing and my hair is just pulled back out of my face. All the men in my life have told me that I look better like that. Maybe I do? That just makes me laugh out loud.

I still wish I knew what they were staring at.

goddessShutting Down

I did not directly tell my guide to stop talking to me, but it has gone silent during the day. I think just my writing about it the other day was the cause. It was not like I was getting constant chatter throughout the day anyway, so don’t think that. It is never like that, more like I am constantly aware of another presence close by. I just decided that I needed to do what I was being urged to do: focus on my life and live it. I suddenly realized that I was attempting to escape reality by going into my own spiritual world and this was not going to be allowed. Rather than get depressed about it, I decided to just suck it up and deal with it. I mean, we are here to live, right?

The feeling I am having is telling me to listen to my heart. My heart is telling me to follow up on the physical issue worries that keep bothering me. I keep remembering a dream I had about a hurricane. At the time the message was that I was in the eye of hurricane. So perhaps now I am coming into the “storm”, whatever that means.

I am also going to resume auditing. I believe I start next week. The initial interview brought up some issues I didn’t even know I was holding in. It is amazing to me how actually talking to someone who you know will keep what you say confidential is such a relief. No judgements will be made, no invalidation of what you say – just real listening and acceptance.

So, for now, I am focused upon the physical. I will not be seeking out spiritual experiences. If they come to me, I will accept them and use them to gain insight into life. I will share them in this blog as well, but I have a feeling there will not be many in the coming weeks. Just a feeling I have.

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Hypoglycemia

Most of the day yesterday I felt very on edge. I felt very close to breaking down into tears most of the day and that was curious to me. Yes I had a bad day the day before but it really didn’t signal “the end”, did it? Yet that seems to be how I was feeling/thinking most of the day yesterday. I literally felt that this was just the beginning and more was to come.

Hypoglycemia

Last night I woke up three times. Each time I had to use the bathroom, which is very irritating to me in itself. However, one time I awoke thinking the word “hypoglycemia”.

I had been dreaming about going into a very large bathroom. It had a very wide, open layout and the shower was one of those that was built into the room and open so that someone with a wheelchair could use it. I remember thinking about this while I was in the bathroom. I used the shower while fully clothed and then left. I remember that my clothes were still dry even though I had just showered.

Taking a shower indicates healing in a dream. Specifically spiritual and/or physical renewal. The fact that I had my clothes on indicates that change in my outward appearance does not change who I am on the inside. Being in a bathroom could be a direct reflection of me needing to use the restroom or it could be indicating a desire to cleanse myself emotionally and psychologically. Perhaps it is both.

I instantly put the two things together – the thought of hypoglycemia and the shower dream. I then had a memory of the search I had done on the internet about my frequent need to urinate during the night, my intense thirst throughout most of the day and some of my other issues. The top result was hypoglycemia.

Why was this in my mind upon waking?

When I was 28, I had a very scary experience while at work. I lost my vision, felt faint and had to sit down. Upon sitting, I could not see anything and it was really scary. The nurse was called and sent me some orange juice and peanut butter crackers. Within a minute of drinking the orange juice, my vision returned and after I ate all of the snack I felt normal.

I went to the doctor who could find nothing wrong with me and she told me I was hypoglycemic. She instructed me to eat every 2-3 hours and told me what to eat. I did this and did not have an issue again until I was pregnant.

I had previous experiences like that all the way back to my early 20’s. One time i checked my blood glucose levels with a coworkers device. My blood sugar was 72. This is very low but I felt fine. One is considered hypoglycemic when their blood sugar levels drop below 70. Here are symptoms of hypoglycemia:

  • blurry vision
  • rapid heartbeat
  • sudden mood changes
  • sudden nervousness
  • unexplained fatigue
  • pale skin
  • headache
  • hunger
  • shaking
  • sweating
  • difficulty sleeping
  • skin tingling
  • trouble thinking clearly or concentrating
  • loss of consciousness

When I have had episodes of low blood sugar I experienced: blurry vision, rapid heartbeat, mood changes (horrible ones!), nervousness, fatigue, headache (always), hunger (sometimes), shaking (horrible), skin tingling, trouble thinking clearly. I almost had the loss of consciousness that one time. That meant my blood sugar had gotten very low. Scary!

cosmicshowerDiabetes

I was told at the time that I did not have diabetes, just low blood sugar caused by my intense exercise routine and not eating enough. When I adjusted my diet, I had no more issues. If I ever did feel the symptoms come on, which for me are irritability, hunger, and headache, then I eat and they went away.

But now I am experiencing increased thirst and hunger throughout the day even though I have decreased my exercise and intensity of exercise substantially. I still eat five or six times a day, but I am finding that within an hour of eating breakfast I am hungry again! Add to that the skin issues I have been having, the sexual disinterest (dysfunction), irritability, fatigue, blurry vision or vision changes, tingling in my hands/feet, and it sure seems very likely that I have or am developing diabetes. For a full list of symptoms, click here.

I also have a family history of type 2 diabetes. My grandfather was diagnosed with diabetes in his 70s. He had a sister who lost a foot from diabetes. All of his six brothers and sisters got diagnosed with it later in life. My mom is hypoglycemic and getting worse (though she would deny it).

Putting Two and Two Together

Once I was up and thinking about all of this information it did not take me long to connect it with the other messages I have gotten. Not long ago I was told, “Listen to your body” and it is like that message has made me ultra sensitive to everything going on with my body. I actually started thinking I was becoming a hypochondriac! But the feeling only intensified after my dermatologist appointment.

I long ago asked myself what the cause of my death would be. I instantly knew it would be kidney failure. I put it on a “shelf” in my mind to save for later. I now cannot ignore the fact that the kidneys suffer from what diabetes does to the body. Nor can I ignore the fact  that in two of my three pregnancies my kidneys were the first area of my body to threaten to shut down from pre-eclampsia. I have also had protein in my urine since I was a small child. No known reason for it and the amount is always so slight that the doctors never worry about it.

Maybe I am over thinking all of this but I cannot ignore the feeling. So I will be looking for a doctor in the area and getting a complete physical to find out if there is really anything wrong with me.

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Bad Day

Yesterday I went to the dermatologist to try to figure out the source of my skin issues. She immediately diagnosed me with eczema. I don’t remember the specific type of eczema (she gave it a name) but she said it was a result of an allergy. She asked me if I had ever had allergies in the past. Based upon my answers, she urged me to get an allergy test done because allergies change over time. Then she gave me a prescription hydrocortisone cream for the eczema.

I also have folliculitis on the back of one of my legs. She said it was likely caused by me itching my overly dry skin. She gave me some antibacterial gel for that. I have had folliculitis before so bad that I had to take prednisone, so I was not surprised by this diagnosis.

Then I showed her the odd sore on my right leg that has been there since the first week in January. She immediately said, “That’s got to go”. She told me that it looked like a mole to her and that anything that grew that fast and had not gone away needed to be biopsied. So right then and there they numbed a spot on my leg and removed it. I was told I would know the result in about a week.

I had suspected she would biopsy it. When I first saw it (and I had to use a mirror to see it), it concerned me. My first thought was that it was some kind of cancer which I researched. It looked to me like basal cell carcinoma. When I asked her what she thought it was, she mentioned basal cell carcinoma and one other possibility that I had never heard of. When I asked her if I should be concerned, she said no and told me she had one on her face. She told me it just had to be removed and if it was cancer then I may have to come in and have more skin removed. That was it.

So I went from the dermatologist straight to get my prescription cream. It took an hour to fill because it was 4:30pm and I guess everyone goes to Walgreens to fill prescriptions at that time of day, or at least it seemed like the case! On a positive note, my high deductible, Obama Care crap insurance that costs too much cut the doctor visit and prescription cost in half. I guess Aetna isn’t so bad after all.

I called and told my husband what had happened. I had only just told him about my concerns and the doctor appointment this past weekend because I just didn’t feel like telling him. He wasn’t concerned then and still wasn’t when I told him about the biopsy. When I got home he hugged me and said, “Mema (his mom) wants to know if she can have your car when you die”. I said yes, fake-laughing about it. I really didn’t think it was funny.

Dread

Something about the biopsy and possible skin-cancer diagnosis caused me to feel dread, like more is coming. I keep thinking, “If I have cancer on my skin, what is to say I don’t have it somewhere in my body, also?” Thinking about that possibility bothers me but not so much. I decided long ago that if I get diagnosed with some kind of cancer in my body that I won’t seek treatment. I will let whatever happens, happen.

I went to bed really exhausted. I guess it was the day’s events or maybe I was just tired because I woke up at 5am that morning and could not go back to sleep. I was woken up about an hour after falling asleep. I remember being outside my body and resisting coming back to it despite the strong pull. My son had been wailing and that was the “pull” back. I was so groggy when I got up to soothe him. Then I struggled to return to sleep.

When I woke up I was filled with despair and disinterest in life. I recall only one other time when I felt this low and that was in 2005. I suspect my review of my journal from that time is what has triggered some of this despair. That and the bad day I had yesterday.

I had a strong urge to delete my FB account this morning along with a strong urge to ask my guides to stop talking to me during the day. I have done the latter in the past because it was just too depressing to be constantly reminded of the spiritual. I eventually asked them to stop communicating all other times, too, except when absolutely necessary. Then they came back and I am feeling the need to make the same decision again. I honestly would rather they had just stayed quiet than to give me hope of something good happening. Unfounded hope is worse than no hope at all.

Trend

When I went on FB today to check the groups I am a part of, I discovered that a close friend had deactivated her account. It had just been active yesterday and I thought it odd that I also had the same urge. I understand why she would deactivate her account. I probably should also.

But I keep seeing things posted that end up helping me. One such post I saw today I am going to share with you. It helps me feel a bit better about how I have been feeling. Maybe it will help you, too.

If I’m Waking Up, Why Don’t I Feel………Better?

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The Purpose of Astral

I continue to review my journal and have now finished reading the entire first binder. It is difficult to read what my thoughts were like during 2003-2005. I was really struggling! I am amazed that I made it through this time.

The Purpose of Astral

I do not write much about my experiences OOB in this part of my journal, but I write enough. My first projections were in 2004 but there is not much detail about the first ones. However, by the beginning of 2005 I begin to write more about my OBEs. Below you will find those entries. I did not yet know the terms Higher Self so I did not use this term. I added it in parentheses to help with understanding. I also referred to the Ego as “consciousness”.

April, 2005

As I fell asleep I was talking to someone and I could feel energy coming over me. I remember being told to let my consciousness go and to let go. I remember trying to let go and struggling with the notion of it. Then I must have let go! I remember feeling my body above my head vertically and then below. I remember liking the feeling and trying to get more of it, trying to control it. I tried to roll out of my bed and go on a journey but found it difficult and noticed my conscious mind becoming more aware. Again, I was reminded to control my consciousness and I must have because I heard the roaring in my ears and went deeper in astral. At that point I felt my body moving up and down again and then I felt it start to move fast, like real fast. I was thrilled because it was like being on a roller coaster! I couldn’t see though and remember saying, “I can’t see!” All I saw was my digital alarm clock showing the time of 8am and then the numbers started moving forward really fast to the point that I don’t know what time it was. Then I started moving in circles and spinning real fast round and round. It was so fun. I was elated.

I decided to throw my arms out to see if I could touch someone. I felt hands as I was trying to reach out but couldn’t grab hold of them. I kept reaching and finally grabbed hold of a hand. Then I started slowing down real fast and I was thrown into a man. I felt myself pushed into him and my head was right up next to his. I apologized to him and then realized I was hugging a man and I could feel his hairy chest! I knew he was dark haired and I was very happy to be with him. Right about the time I realized what was happening I heard a quiet, masculine voice say to me, “Quite a fine sense you have. The more and more…(I finished his sentence) you see, the more and more you will believe. Trust them to know what they see”. When I was about to ask his name I awoke in my bed still hearing his voice.

He had an accent like an old American or UK accent….He said he is my teacher, the one who has been teaching me about astral.

This astral teacher told me point blank that astral was being used to help me heal. He told me very sternly, “You know nothing about healing”. Ha! I didn’t laugh at the time, though.

A week later I continue to talk about my teacher and the purpose for astral:

I am learning in astral how to control my emotions/feelings and how to listen to them. I don’t hear or see my guides when I first go into astral. I sometimes go out and do things and other times I don’t. This last time I became conscious as astral happened and went with it. When I started wanting to do things I felt resistance. It was almost like a wall formed. When I stopped wanting to do my own thing and let things go as they were the resistance stopped. So I was learning about how to control my conscious mind (Ego) and to allow subconscious mind (Higher Self) to have control. The subconscious is not like the conscious at all – it cannot be controlled. It is led by something else, something we are not in control of. So I was actually able to see that difference. I think my teacher is here to help me differentiate between what my soul wants and what my conscious (Ego) wants. He’s teaching me how to get them in unison somehow, mainly by making conscious step back at certain times.

I am being reminded to balance the mundane and the spiritual. Balance is when we use consciousness only when we make mundane decisions. I am told to continue in the mundane but to remember to tune into my heart. He (my teacher) showed me my “center” and said to use it as I live life. He said the soul (Higher Self) will allow conscious to continue without resistance until the conscious is going the wrong way. Then there will be a “bell” that goes off or a “wall” hit. The soul is only there to help us remember our function and path.

thDifferentiation of Feeling and the Ego

I also talk about learning how to differentiate feelings and control my consciousness while OOB.

My guide was talking to me about feeling last night and I think he is trying to get me to understand that feeling is not what I think it is. I define it as emotion. But it is more like following a “compass”. I keep waiting for an emotion to trigger a decision and emotion triggering a decision can be way wrong. It is like words; communication. Like telepathy. In astral I understand the message “No, no, no” but I don’t hear it. I know it and can then see the “wall” ahead of me. The wall felt physical because in the spiritual (while OOB) you can go where you want but you sense change as vibration. So vibration changes and you feel the change in your soul…..My consciousness (Ego) is very strong. It has been given the right of way for 28 years. I have to slowly teach it to yield to my soul (Higher Self).

Merging

Finally, I mention, for the first time, the word “merging”:

It seems the reason I am bombarded by mundane right now is to help me use my soul in unison with my life. If you try using consciousness to make it (channeling) happen, consciousness stays in control. It (channeling) is like allowing soul (Higher Self) to come in on its own without [the] conscious feeling threatened. My guide is telling me to have patience, that we are working together to allow this assimilation. It is like merging is going on.

ReDo

I see now why I was asked to read my journal. A “bell” rang because somehow, some way, I went off course.

…the soul (Higher Self) will allow conscious to continue without resistance until the conscious is going the wrong way. Then there will be a “bell” that goes off or a “wall” hit.

I am again being asked to find balance; to control myself (Ego), and listen to my heart so that I may better hear what it is that I am suppose to be doing.

I now also understand why I have met with such resistance in my projections. I somehow forgot the valuable lesson I learned in 2005. The point is to listen to the Higher Self, or soul as I called it back then. To do this, one needs to keep the Ego in check. This practice while OOB transfers to life IN the body. What one is, so is the other.

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Crystal Necklace

I slept like a rock last night. I needed it after the night before and the strange, unsettling and jumpy energy I had. I took two walks yesterday just in case the energy needed a little settling. One with my kids and one by myself. It is amazing how a walk by myself can bring such relief. I had an instant emotional sigh come out of me and felt my shoulders relax. I walked for 25 minutes and wanted to do another lap.

Stray Cats and a Long Test

I had many vivid dreams last night but they are mostly lost to me now. I suppose that is to be expected since I was so dead tired. I only remember snippets of dreams, two specifically.

Stray Cats

In one dream I was walking along residential streets, similar to those around my home. I saw two cats ahead of me. One was black and white and the other was put white. I slowed down and called out to them, “Hey kitty, kitty”. The black and white cat seemed friendly but the white one was cautious. I was cautious also. I don’t like cats. The white kitty came up to my bare leg (guess I was wearing shorts), sniffed me and then rubbed up against me. I relaxed at this, knowing he was not feral. I didn’t lean down to pet him I just looked at both of them and said, “Sorry. I don’t have any food for you”. And I walked away from them. They followed for a short while meowing.

Long Test

This dream was longer. I was in a room with several other adult test takers. We were sitting along a long table and there were enough of us to fill both sides. There was some issues with getting started and some questions, but we started without much issue.

A tall, very obese woman went to the front to talk to the proctor. She was very upset and pacing. She spoke loud enough for us to hear. She was saying, “I can’t do this. The test is taking too long”. She went into hysterics at that point and so I got up and went over to her. I put my hand on her shoulder and she looked over at me. I said to her, “I will stay with you for as long as it takes. If you stop, I stop. We are in this together”. She let out a huge breath of air, hung her head as if to say she knew she had to take this test, and followed me back to the table.

After sitting down to take the test there was some mix up with pencils which sent me looking for one and looking over the shoulders of other test takers. Someone mentioned they were worried. I said, “I’m not worried about this test. I know I will pass it”. I sat back down with my pencil and looked at the test. There were science questions that involved math. I remember solving a problem about volume using a measuring cup full of water and seeing how much water was displaced by different objects.

Short OBE: Crystal Necklace

I was awoken by my husband running on the treadmill. I don’t know how early it was but it was still dark outside, so likely 5:30am. This irritated me as I could not go back to sleep. Somehow I ended up dozing and finding myself in semi-lucid dreams.

The dream I had was of me talking on the phone with an old classmate. The connection was messed up and she appeared to be talking in her sleep. When I checked the phone I saw a video of a very messy kitchen. I recognized the house and an entire dream I had of being in the house flooded my memory. In that past dream the house was very clean and I had been doing dishes. Now it was cluttered with all sorts of objects and I remembered that this had happened when we moved.

I then began to walk up stairs, the steps felt very solid and real. This woke me up. I felt subtle vibrations and knew I was at the point where I could exit my body. My heart was also pounding and I remembered to ignore it. A decided to try to dream and when I did this the vibrations intensified and I felt a pull and heaviness come over me. I knew I could exit so I thought, “Why not?” and rolled backward. When I did this, I felt myself exit my body and the exit felt sticky, as if I were stuck to my body. I pulled away and the last heavy tendrils of energy fell off of me like clothing.

The first thing I saw was a radio at the foot of the bed. It was playing music and I smiled and began to walk/dance away from it towards the bedroom door. The room was not completely dark but it was hazy. My energy was high and I felt good. I noticed something very heavy hanging around my neck. I grabbed it, knowing it was a necklace, and pulled it over my head. Though I did not see it, I felt the chain and the heavy object attached to it. It was a large, oblong, clear crystal. I swung it in circles as I walked through the door.

When I went through the door I noticed I was struggling to breathe. It was like I was taking huge gulps of air. I knew it was my physical body that was doing this and was at first very alarmed, but then I knew not to worry. Unfortunately, I did worry about my physical body coming to harm. I stopped the thought as fast as I could, but it was too late. Within seconds I was back in my body.

In hindsight I wonder about the crystal necklace I took off while OOB. It was only after I took it off that I struggled to breathe. I am not experiencing any physical illness right now  – no cold, sinus congestion, etc. So, it does not make sense to me that I would struggle to breathe. The only thing that seems to make sense is that the crystal was there to protect me and I took it off. I wonder if this is linked to what my guide told me about OBEs? He told me, “You will leave”. It makes me wonder if perhaps going OOB caused issues to arise in my physical body?