Tag Archives: ascension

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I am Home

It seems I have entered into a new pattern of awareness. That is the only way I can explain it anyway.

It started with the blood moon the beginning of this month and continues to accelerate. The major change has been most noticeable in my sleep patterns. I am not tired when I go to bed, yet when I close my eyes I almost instantly drift off to sleep. Then when I sleep, I sleep very, very deeply and often do not remember my dreams. Then, occasionally I will have a night where I have dreams galore but then cannot remember the details upon waking. Other times there are dreams that come out vividly seemingly from nowhere.

The other change has occurred in my waking awareness. I first had more calm and then it shifted to noticing things, synchronicities and deja vu amongst other things. Amidst these, noticeable, but gradual changes in awareness.

I have not been writing about everything that happens because if I did I would end up with posts so long no one would have time to read them. Also, I have come to realize that sometimes the things that happen to me need to be digested over time before their true meaning and significance is realized.

Test

This morning when I awoke I recalled a very long, in-depth dream. This surprised me since that has not been happening much this month.

The dream was set inside of a moving, armored, all-terrain vehicle. I almost want to call it a military tank but hesitate since I was on the inside and the feeling was not that I was going to war or anything of the like. I was sitting with a man who I admired quite a bit. He was my superior and I recall pushing back a romantic thought towards him, almost like I was internally reminding myself that was not my purpose for being there. He had on a helmet and was discussing flying, referring to me and a flight I would be taking as a newly trained pilot. I was listening and donned my own helmet. It was green and made of metal and covered my entire head. in front was a clear panel that covered the entire front of my face.

I remember feeling anticipation and nervousness as I listened to him. I knew this was an important step for me and I did not want to fail. This “test” would determine whether or not I was ready to pilot my own craft (what kind I am not sure).

The color green was very prominent in the memory of this dream as was the color silver which was the color of the metal vehicle I was in.

Mental Facility

Instead of the dream ending with me preparing for flight it actually fast-forwarded to another destination. I found myself standing in a line at a very large building built to hold many people. It was silver in color and very tall, so tall I could barely make out the top. It was square and also had a military feeling to it.

As I waited in line I was with a familiar group of people and I knew they were traveling with me. We were being processed by this facility to receive mental treatment. At first I thought it was a mental hospital but that thought was immediately replaced with “mental” as a stand-alone title for this place.

As I waited I looked down and saw soft, green grass all about. It was vibrant and separated the steel posts that designated the lines for for entrance into the building. I noticed very large animal feces all about and recognized it to be deer feces. I mentioned it to the guy I was standing with who confirmed they belonged to deer that frequented the place. I responded, “Those must be some very big deer. I sure wouldn’t want to come into contact with one of them!”

At the entrance I was expected to present my I.D. and sorted through my purse to get it. At this time I remember opening my wallet and finding huge amounts of money wadded inside. I retrieved my driver’s license and stuffed the money back inside, worried the people behind me might be watching and then want my money. I also felt guilty of having so much for some reason.There was one guy who was suspicious. A criminal?

When I got through to the other side, a woman kept my I.D. and gave me paperwork to fill out. I had to list the types of food I liked, my weight and measurements of my body. I could not answer all the questions and asked if that was okay. It was.

Inside we were placed into a dormitory together. I was with various individuals of all ages and genders, some family groups, others singles. We were waiting together and I was concerned about when and what we would eat and also concerned about my baby. I asked for milk and was told they had limited amounts of it and that I would have to use powdered formula. I took it but worried I would run out. I remember looking around with a feeling of uncertainty at this time. Finally, though, a gallon of milk was located and I had plenty for my baby.

Inside the dorm I went about making food with what provisions I could find. It happened to be beans. I began cooking them and found there was not much. A woman beside me began opening ground turkey. I asked where she got it and she told me the pantry. I immediately went to look and found canned food and such and began looking for ingredients to make a stew. I found a can of chitlins and was told to look twice. Realizing the can contained pork intestines, I put them back. For some reason they had a Hawaiian name and a Hawaiian man later came and got them to eat.

Pool

As if the dream were not already weird enough, it got weirder. I found myself with my group in the water of a swimming pool. I watched as a suited individual was pulled down into and under the water. She was wearing what appeared to be white, astronaut suit but it was really scuba gear. Under the water she became me and I breathed under water for a bit and then surfaced and looked about. I remember feeling very uniquely separate from the others at this point and a bit unsure of where I was and why I was there.

In the water the group was pairing off and one guy kept looking at me as if he wanted to know if I was interested. I immediately told him I was married (or did I think it?) and moved away from him. Not only was he unattractive but I just was not interested.

I heard something and looked up to see the instructor. He was discussing the training we were going through. I don’t remember now what he was saying but it was obvious that I was still in the “mental” facility going through some kind of training. Another interesting thing was that everyone was wearing white.

Promotion

Suddenly I was doing my laundry and standing in front of a washing machine. It was overfull and I was pulling out paper. It was paper used for wrapping presents and I was not sure how it got there. As I unloaded it to make the washer less full I was talking with a woman. I was able to get the load lessened and then my attention was brought back to the instructor who had just been at the pool side. He was addressing me and holding up a large tapestry of some kind. He opened it up and it was a commendation that had been sewed for me. It was the size of a quilt and was green and white. It very clearly stated that I was promoted to Captain. When he told me this I was intensely happy and surprised at once. The rest of the group was also very congratulatory. I kept looking at the tapestry and the word “Captain” continued to repeat in my mind.

Waking Messages

I awoke at this time. Fully awake without drowsiness, I realized it was very early and still dark. I don’t know what time it was but I suspect about 5:45-6a.m. This is the time I have been waking all week regardless of when I have to get up.

I tried to return to sleep but could not. So I went over the dream in my mind and wondered about its meaning. As I did, I must have drifted in and out of the state in-between sleep and wakefulness. It is a very deep meditative state that is easy for me to fall into upon waking.

During this time I would find myself conversing with someone and other times I would be in the act of doing particular things. The messages I received are difficult to remember now, which is not unusual, and I remember being reassured that I would remember what I needed to when I asked to remember.

One message was that I had three more levels. The other was simply the word “migraine” along with the image of the helmet I was wearing in the first part of the dream. This message immediately brought me to full awareness as I panicked a bit but then knew it was okay and purposeful. At this point I was hit with a calmness and knowingness that reassured me all was going as planned and caused me to not care about what it might mean.

The next thing I remember is doing yoga and realizing suddenly that I was, bringing me back to full awareness. I then began to “know” things but at the same time I was speaking to myself with certainty, but the voice did not seem like mine, yet it was. It is hard to explain. I was telling myself, “I am suppose to do this, that is what I was told to do”, and I began to do “it”. “it” was to meditate.

So that is what I did and I struggled with it because I kept being brought back to full awareness by things I was being told, triggered by my desire to remember, word-for-word, what I was “hearing”. I went back and forth between states for some time and finally the message got through to me – “Don’t focus on any one thing. You will remember what is needed.”

And that is when I let go and gave in. When I returned from this state, I did not remember everything and as I tried to remember I began to lose specifics very quickly. Yet I instantly began to know that what I was going through was purposeful and part of the process. The deep sleeping, the high energy in the day, the synchronicity, the deja vu, – all of it was part of the “ascension” process as was that movement from “level to level” as per the promotion to Captain in my dream. I also remembered what I had been doing before bed (I could not remember it before then). I had been saying to myself, “I am home” and I fully recognized that what I was longing for, this “Home”, is an illusion, much like everything else I experience in the physical. That Home is really me. Home is everywhere that I am. It is with me all the time and I can access it anytime. I went to sleep repeating to myself, “I AM HOME”.

Note: I am currently reading Confronting Your Immortality by Gordon Phinn. I highly recommend this book. I am in the middle of the book and have been reading it before bed the past few nights. It is from this book that I recognized how my beliefs have been limiting me, specifically my belief of what Home is.

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My Team

Some information from this morning’s OBE is slowly coming back to me as the day progresses. Specifically the conversation I had with my guide while I floated in darkness during my OBE. There was also an entire OBE that I forgot.

Messages

The first memory I had was of being told about how fleeting information given to an individual while OOB is. My guide specifically told me, “70% is lost” and the other 30% does not often make sense. Why would it if such a big chunk of it is missing?! I don’t remember even reacting to the information really but I did repeat it to myself several times which tells me I thought it important. I usually repeat information given to me by my guides or others in astral if I want to remember it. Sometimes I will say it several times, other times I have even written things down. It doesn’t always work. This time it did, but it was delayed.

Council OBE

There was also a sudden memory that hit me while I was browsing through the blogs I follow on WordPress. One of the blogs titles included the word “council”. As soon as I read it, I remembered that I had a meeting with mine. How could I have forgotten that?? Ah, that must have been part of the 70% I lost!

The specific memory I had was of sitting at a table that was very large. It was shiny mahogany and circular. I was sitting with a man, likely the same male guide I had been interacting with the entire night, but I could not see him. I just felt him. Across from us and very obviously separated from us, were four people. I saw each of them but it is hard nOvalMahoganyConfernceTLBow to remember what they looked like. I do remember it being bright and there being bright colors, specifically blue and yellow. Interestingly, as with many of my astral environments, this one had a very yellowish glow to it. It is as if someone replaced all the regular light bulbs in a room with yellow ones.

I remember being startled when I first became aware of where I was. I looked around and saw that the space resembled a conference room in an office similar to what one would see in the movies or on TV (it reminded me of the conference room in Mad Men actually!). Like I said, it was very bright and I recall thinking there must be windows but I didn’t see any.

Then I looked across the table and saw four well dressed men and women. I again do not recall them in detail but I do want to say that the men were wearing blue suits. I am certain my jaw dropped at seeing them. I looked down and saw that only a few feet separated myself and my guide from them, but it felt like the distance was much farther; like the table was massive and I was all the way over on the other end, tiny and insignificant.

As soon as I absorbed it all I exclaimed, “Is this my Council?”

My memory of the experience ends there. I am frustrated that it does because I have not met with my council like this. I have sensed them with my mind and spoken with one of them (I think), but I have never actually seen them all together. I also thought I had way more than 4, well actually 5 counting the guide at my side. I am pleased to not have a fearful feeling accompany the memory. I always thought I would feel like a school girl going to the principal’s office when I met my council.

My Team

Now that I think about it, the word council implies some kind of judgement is being given or that there is some higher authority involved, at least to me it does. I don’t like that. I prefer the term Team because it feels more accurate to me. Yet in the experience I had, I identified this group of people as my Council.

It is interesting to me how much I seem to know while OOB. I know names, faces, places, etc. Yet when I awaken and think back on the experience I have no clue who or what I seemed to have known then. It is the same with this experience. I seemed genuinely pleased to see them and, though I did at first sense separation and feel small, that feeling vanished when I recognized them. Now when I look back they all seem like strangers to me and their faces are blank or all muddled together. At least I know I met them. I suppose that is enough.

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Acheiving Balance

In addition to the focus of letting-go that is occurring right now, there is another particular theme that has been on-going since the end of August: Balance.

Mulch-faceted

The balance I am writing about is not simply just balance between spiritual and physical, though that is definitely one dimension to consider. There are also multiple facets within each the spiritual and the physical.

On the physical level, the level in which humans are most comfortable, there is balance to be achieved between body and mind; mental and physical and within each accordingly. For example, physically an individual must have a balanced diet, rich in whole grains with minimally processed foods. At the mental level, an individual needs to not be thinking too much about the future but also not too much about the past. A balanced mental state is best described as being fully present in the Now with little to no mental energy devoted to the past or present, but fully immersed in the present moment.

At the spiritual level there is balance to be achieved between each of the major and minor chakras, the different subtle bodies, the karmic blueprint of each individual and the universal whole, and more. This balance is described to me using the analogy of the university. The major we are seeking would be most similar to that of a liberal arts degree and the minor would the areas in which we feel we need the most work or have the most interest in spiritually. As we set about our spiritual journey within the physical realm, we learn lessons based upon our individual determination. In other words, our degree is most similar to a doctorate degree in which we determine and set our course with the help of a mentor who has already achieved a similar advanced degree. As we complete our “assignments”, we reevaluate our path, making minor and major adjustments as needed in order to fulfill our degree objectives. The balance here is very individual and can fluctuate with even the slightest deviation from our set course. Thus, the nightly visits with our guides and continuous manipulation of the subtle energy bodies by our guides and Higher Selves helps to maintain the delicate balance required for us to complete our physical body incarnation. The good news here is that that part of our consciousness within the body and without memory of our spiritual past and history does not need be conscious of the complex and intricate workings behind the scenes. Very rarely is balance not maintained here. I am told it is not important to discuss what occurs when the balance is not maintained – that is for another time.

doTERRA-Roman-Chamomile-Essential-OilConscious Maintenance of Balance

At the conscious level the maintenance of balance should not be difficult. Unfortunately, the world in which we live has made this usually simple task that much more difficult. Physically, we are no longer putting whole, nutrient-rich foods into our bodies. We are running ourselves ragged in professions that give us little physical activity and focus more on mental tasks. Our physical bodies are depleted of nutrients and unable to repair damaged tissue at an adequate rate. Mentally, our minds have become narrowed into a very physically, gratification-oriented world. This is where imbalance takes its toll and we often overcompensate unconsciously for those areas we have neglected. The fact that this is unconscious only exacerbates the imbalance and we find ourselves spiraling out of control and wondering why we feel so exhausted and numb.

When we are young, the obvious physical and mental imbalance is not easily noticed and since we are young and our bodies still new, it seems we are not in need of conscious maintenance of balance. Yet, there comes a point in our lives when time and continued mistreatment of our physical and mental selves begins to take its toll. The effects of this can come in the form of a mental breakdown, physical ailments that have long-term effects and so much more.

How can one avoid this unfortunate fate? There are many methods, but simply put, the individual must change their diet, reconnect with their body in order to better listen to it, and live a more stress-free and enjoyable life. This process is not easy when we have been indoctrinated into believing material wealth and possessions are what makes a person happy. This lie propagates the imbalance yet each of us struggles to free ourselves of it. It is like a poisonously addictive drug we cannot seem to quit.

cassiaSimple Solutions

For me, the solutions have been simple and yet difficult as implementing them means I must change my patterns, habits and beliefs. Yoga was the first step, followed by meditation and finally the use of essential oils to encourage physical healing. With the practice of yoga five or more times a week, I have found a deeper connection with my body, one that I did not even know I was without. With this physical body connection, I recognized that I was holding stress in different areas of my body and that my moods were influenced by my diet and frequency of eating. I can actually feel where my body is out of balance! This recognition has caused me to take a closer look at my diet. I reduced sugar and increased whole, natural foods into my diet and make sure to eat frequent, small meals. I have also stopped abusing my body with overly intense exercise, allowing myself to take breaks when my body signals a need for rest. Additionally, I have been working on extracting myself from stressful situations, focusing more on making my life what I want it instead of trying to live some other life based upon the lie fed to me by society.

Interestingly enough, with becoming more in-tune with my body, I have become more in-tune with my mind. Yoga, meditation, essential oils and change in diet and routine have influenced my mental state as well. I am more aware of those thoughts which sabotage my mood and have learned to stop them and regulate them, even learning to reword them into a more positive light. This is not easy for me since I have been thinking a certain way my entire life. It takes patience and perseverance and in the past I have been very unsuccessful. Yet I am finding that yoga and mediation have been essential to increasing my mental state. I am so very grateful to my team of spiritual assistants for helping me hear their message (finally).

Ultimately, what has helped me the most is allowing myself to have more time with myself. I have beentaking long baths when I have a list of things to do, stopping to fit in 20 minutes of yoga when I normally would continue at a break-neck pace; letting the house stay a mess and learning to be comfortable no matter how chaotic my environment seems, and not thinking ahead about things I have no control over and just accepting where I am and what I have in that moment.

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October: The Month of Letting Go

This week has been beautiful. There was the blood moon, the eclipse, and Mercury went retrograde. For some reason, the energy has been wonderfully uplifting for me and, as a result, I have been happier, more calm and at peace. However, I know my experience this week has not been the norm. From what I hear from others – adults and children alike – the energy has not settled well with all. Some are completely shocked by it and I mean that literally. I have seen many adults in zombie mode and not in very good moods. The children seem to be very aware and highly sensitive. So if their parents happen to be one of those not handling the energy very well, their poor children are the ones suffering.

For me, the calm, peaceful feeling could not have come at a better time. At work I have been barraged by upset children trying to deal with their parents’ battles and feeling completely overwhelmed and out of control. Thankfully, I was able to remain calm, listen and help them. The adults, on the other hand, are taking most of the upset in stride, but this could be their professional demeanor coming through as when I spoke with one on a more personal level she fought back tears more than once.

What You Resist, Persists

This morning, out of the blue, I heard clearly in my mind, “That which you resist, persists” and I knew this was the theme of October. For those who have been struggling to let go of their past mistakes, regrets, emotional baggage or whatever haunts them, this is the ideal time to stop resisting and open up to healing. Only through acceptance and healing can you truly let go.

Some of us will not be burdened with this process as much as others. We have been letting go for a while now, listening and opening our hearts with compassion for ourselves and allowing the hurt to flow out, accepting and taking responsibility for our part even when we didn’t want to. Some of us were forced through various means. Some may have had upsetting, recurrent dreams with odd characters or people from their past. Others may have run into problems at work, at home or both and ended up in yet another precarious situation in which required them to make yet another impossible decision. Yet this time they may have chosen different; decided they were done and fed up and not going to allow themselves to be unhappy anymore. Still others have been on a bumpy ride for sometime, some of them for years, and this month will seem impossibly difficult as this cycle comes to an end. They may have been struggling with a bitter divorce, illness, family loss or a combination of similar stressful life events. For those individuals who long for peace and just a smidgen of sunshine, be patient it is not far away.

Why I have been particularly spared and allowed to enjoy a bubble of peace and calm in my life, I have my theories spurred by my intuition, but really all that matters is that I am enjoying a nice plateau. Work has really been uplifting for me. My purpose as a helper has been validated time and time again. I feel a part of a beautiful, loving group of people who share similar goals to my own and overall it gives me such great satisfaction to be there. My home life has also been more stable. I have been less anxious and stressed which has given me more time to enjoy my children. I have also had more patience, though at times it was tested. Physically I have been full of energy, so much so that I don’t feel tired even at bedtime. Yet when I try to sleep I instantly drift off to sleep. Finally, spiritually I have been more connected to my spiritual core.

Healingmoon

A huge part of letting go is healing. For me, that is what this month has been so far. I have been feeling the urge to meditate more and it has been wonderful! One night I took a bath and meditated in the bath for a while. It was so easy which is surprising to me since it has not been easy these past 7 years. I have also been meditating at night prior to sleep. One night I fell asleep as I was meditating and awoke still in my meditative position (head propped up with pillows with body horizontal). That night I dreamed I was meditating, even hearing that I needed to have patience and eventually I would be able to hit a higher level.

Of course we are not even halfway through the month, so there is much more healing to go. Some will find it more difficult as the month progresses. This will occur for those who do not wish to “dig up the past” and feel doing so is futile. The more they resist, the more intense the backlash will be.

You may wonder, “What is it that I am suppose to do?” Some of you may not have to consciously do anything. Most of it will happen in your daily life and in your dreams. You may be like me and have synchronicity all around you and then find yourself meditating in your dreams or experiencing healing dreams or, not remembering your dreams at all. Then there are those who may be required to actively participate. This takes some introspection and focus. When a memory of a past issue comes into your mind, inspect it. Ask yourself, “What have I not seen? What have I not noticed?” First you may have to wade through a muck of emotions, but once you have braved the feelings you have so solidly resisted, you will find revelations on the other side. Sometimes it may be as simple as letting yourself off the hook for someone other person’s mistake. Other times it will be you who will be humbled.

You Are Not Alone

Through all of this, so many of you will go through moments of such intense aloneness that you will cry out to God for a reprieve. Try to remember, through all of this, that you are not alone. Never are you alone. In fact, you likely have a squadron of guides around you, assisting you however they can. I am told that this period of feeling utterly alone will also pass. Some will feel it more intensely than others, but as your past losses and issues are addressed and let you, you will feel less and less alone and more and more deeply connected to your inner being and God. It is a slow, nearly imperceptible process that will reveal itself suddenly and with such overflow of love that you will cry happy tears. And through it all, you will never be alone.

You may wonder how to know you are not alone. Faith is one way. I actually got a tarot reading in my dream last night and the reader’s name was Faith. Sometimes you just have to trust that things are working out the way they are meant to. Another way is to look for signs that you have loved ones in Spirit around you. A memory out of the blue, goosebumps when you are not cold, a call from someone you have not spoken to in a long time. And of course, synchronicity.

I will end this post with an experience I had this week that is the perfect example of recognizing we are not alone. My children had lost the remote right when I was going to settle down for some “me” time. I was tired and irritated that I was being denied my “me” time. The remote could not be found and I was growing ever more irritated. Yet as I searched the entire house, I felt a tingle on my left shoulder more than once accompanied by a brief pause in my thoughts and a feeling of, “It’s alright. It will be found”. In my upset I pushed the thoughts away, although I recognized Spirit was following me and trying to help, determined to find it and blaming my middle son. I put my children to bed and resigned myself to just accepting that it would not be found and that life would be fine without it. I felt the tingles again and said to myself as I also heard the thought, “It will be found”. Within moments it was found and I laughed. I told my mother-in-law (she found it) about the tingles and what they meant and she was impressed and grateful as it proved to her as well that we are not alone.

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Patterns

Yesterday I woke up in a sour mood. I hate it when that happens. Thankfully, the day morphed into a great day and, looking back, I think there is much to learn from what occurred.

Patterns

Perhaps it is the yoga I have now been doing for over two weeks. Or maybe it is my new job and the new people and challenges I encounter there. Or maybe it is the essential oils I have been using to help with my emotions. Finally, maybe it is the energetic changes that are wide spread right now, mine being particularly grueling. Whatever it is, I am beginning to see the patterns in my life. They are emerging along with huge shifts in mood and motivation.

1. I am not a morning person. I hate waking up and having to go right into life and the countless, repetitive tasks I must go through day in and day out. This has been a pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. I am not even sure when it started but I know for certain I was this way in my teens.

2. I am a mess of stress. Stressful thoughts follow me everywhere. My mind is worry machine. My body screams at me with tension every morning when I wake up and throughout the day. My back is especially hard hit.

3. I am also a perfectionist. This goes along with my constant worrying and stress. You can’t be a perfectionist without worry and stress. If things don’t go the way I planned I get irritated and frantic. I am not as bad as I once was, but I am still pretty darn bad.

4. I am a creature of habit. Although I swear I hate the repetitive routines of my life, I take comfort in them and look forward to the reassurance they offer me. I often don’t do new things because they are not part of my routine, though every once in a while I will take the plunge and do something new and unexpected.

5. My life mirrors me. What I mean in that is that I attract that which I send out. For example, in the past, when I gave readings (mediumship or other) there was always a message in the reading that not only helped the sitter but also helped me. Even now, when I meet with someone to help them their issues are always eerily similar to my own. And I am definitely not blind to it. So I take each encounter as a learning experience.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_Synchronicity

I am also seeing the messages popping up everywhere and they point at wide scale change within me.The messages mostly come in the form of synchronicity. Yoga was the first big message that came to me that way, but I was especially dense when it came to hearing it. Once I realized that messages were coming in this way, though, I began to take notice of them.

Currently, the message I am getting is that I need to work on my circular thinking patterns. Mainly, my worry brain. The message first came through at work and continues to reappear there. First it came with just being told that anxiety was a major concern. Then it began to appear weekly and then daily. I was encouraged to look into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) as I began to problem solve situations that continued to arise. This message was reinforced when I got a private message from a friend of mine mentioning the exact therapy!

If you don’t know much about CBT, this is what Wikipedia says about it:

A psychotherapeutic approach that addresses dysfunctional emotions, maladaptive behaviors and cognitive processes and contents through a number of goal-oriented, explicit systematic procedures. The name refers to behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, and to therapy based upon a combination of basic behavioral and cognitive principles and research. Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).

There is also the message that I need to work on my past issues from school. Not only do I get this message almost daily from my work encounters but I was basically told that by a superior of mine. He said that we are drawn to work with the age-groups we do because we have not resolved issues from that time in our lives. Bulls-eye! He could not have said it better. And what has been happening since then? I have been having dreams involving issues from my school years, specifically group situations in which I struggled. At the same time I am encountering similar situations in the clients I work with. And these are long-standing issues because I am devoted over 10 years of my life to resolving issues from my school years. Ouch. I sure hope that I can propel healing in these areas and free myself of this cycle.

Healing

Finally, there is the healing that has hit me twice as hard since my move. The up’s and down’s of my emotions have made it the most difficult healing I have ever experienced except maybe the time when I went through my dark-night-of-the-soul. This is very, very similar, though.

Yoga, I think, is helping, though right now it seems to be accelerating the uncomfortable parts of the process. I am much more aware of my body and so I am more aware of how much stress I carry in my body. I am listening, though, and taking time to relax when my body signals me to. I recently got a book from a friend about healing emotions with essential oils and have been adding oils into my daily regime. So far I have not noticed much but I need to give it time. I have this intense urge to accelerate my already accelerated healing. I am not even sure this is a good thing but I have to trust my intuition on this.

The kundalini energy I was experiencing has stopped, for now. I did wake up the other night feeling it starting to rise, but it kept waking me up and it seems that me being conscious immediately stopped it. It never got past my second chakra. This is a disappointment for me. So I have been meditating more. Meditation not only helps with my stress but also encourages healing.

I did have a breakthrough yesterday with stopping my circular thinking. I spent 6 hours painting three bedrooms. It was a family effort actually and my kids ended up covered in paint (all but the baby). I went to bed exhausted and happy. I also realized that not once while I was painting did I think about anything except the moment I was in. What bliss! It was wonderful to not be burdened with excessive worry for 6 hours. I think I can use my experience to help me experience longer and longer periods of being in the moment. My husband said it right – the more purpose we have, the happier we are. I guess it works even if our purpose is to paint three bedrooms!

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Evidence of Integration

I had an interesting day last night that culminated in yet another unplanned OBE this morning.

Bus Wreck

Last Friday night, as I sat outside listening to the far off sounds of a marching band playing in some football stadium, I suddenly was hit with knowingness. There would be a bus accident. I immediately thought it was sad and worried about the kids on the bus but was told not to worry. So I let it go and forgot about it.

Yesterday morning, while perusing the morning headlines, I saw a headline that made my heart sink. Texas college grieves after 4 killed in bus crash. I read the article and remembered my premonition. It came out of the blue and there was no reasoning behind it. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. Yet I got the information anyway. That’s why I hate premonitions.

Avoided Accident

It is as if the news of the bus wreck was meant to remind me that I could pick up on future events. That afternoon, while returning from work, the minute I got on the freeway I got an nagging feeling. I ignored it because I was feeling very at easy and happy, which is not a norm for me, so I was enjoying it and didn’t want to ruin it by worrying over a “nagging feeling”. Yet every time I would settle into my happy mood and look at the clouds and beautiful sky I would get a thought that said, “Focus”. And I would hear it and think, “I really should pay attention”. The thought kept returning along with the nagging feeling and I thought to myself, “Any moment there could be an accident. But I shouldn’t worry about ‘what if’s’, they only make me anxious”.

I was almost home and the nagging feeling was gone when it happened. I was merging right to exit when the car in front of me suddenly swerved and put on their brakes. I saw some bits of tire on the road and decided not to merge and stayed in my lane only to be confronted a split second later by a huge piece of tire that was big enough to cause an accident. I put on my breaks and swerved a bit into the lane to my left. I watched as the driver behind me also reacted and almost hit a cement truck. I then saw the truck drive swerve into the fast lane. Thankfully, no one was in his path. As I finally began to merge, the truck drive drove past and look at me. We stared at each other and I thought to him, “Glad you are okay”. He drove on.

Then the adrenaline hit me. I exited the highway and suddenly knew that all the signs had been there. And I had listened. My heart was pounding and my arms weak. I had been ready and everyone involved was okay. And it suddenly occurred to me that had I chosen to go ahead and merge that the driver behind me would have not reacted well to the huge piece of tire. He would have swerved to wide and hit the cement truck. And I realized it was not me the feeling was meant to help. It was them.

Dream

I found myself in a dream. I was not fully aware and just followed along, In the dream I was at a gathering. We were in family groups and I was with my husband sitting at a rectangular table. Our children were not there. My husband had to sit near the aisle and I sat in the center. My mother and her husband were above and behind us. Her husband also sat near the aisle.

Then I found myself with my old high school best friend at the bottom of the auditorium where I had previously been with my husband. I greeted her and she seemed down. There was another girl with her. We all talked, catching up on old times. My friend mentioned that she had an issue with hormonal acne. I asked her if she had been to a dermatologist and she looked horrified. She then got very emotional but did not cry and the other girl seemed concerned. They both stopped talking and acted like they wanted to get away from me. They made excuses and began to walk away together. The other girl kept looking behind at me and I felt very uncomfortable, wondering what I had done wrong. I chased after them asking them why they were leaving and what I had done wrong. The girl yelled back that they didn’t want me to come with them. So I stayed back and felt horrible and rejected.

The feelings were intense enough to wake me up.

Wide awake I immediately was reminded of all the times in my life when similar things had happened. I began to beat myself up, telling myself, “I am not good at being a friend” and “No one likes me” and “It is better if I just don’t try to be friends”. There were other thoughts as well and they eventually made me cry, though not huge amounts. I have lived with these feelings my whole life and I wondered, “Why? Why does this keep coming up? Why won’t it go away? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be a good friend? What is wrong with me?”

I couldn’t sleep and the feeling was lingering. Yet I had this distinct calm wash over me along with the feeling that I needed to examine the scene in the dream. What happened?

As soon as I started looking at what I did rather than what they did, I saw what the problem was. I hadn’t been listening. I had missed something. Some nonverbal cue. And it had been my downfall. I broke communication with my friend. I was no longer sharing her reality. And because of that she was hurt and thus, wanted to get away from me and avoid it happening again.

Relief followed this realization and then I began to remember similar times in my past when this happened. They piled on top of one another and they were all the same. All this time I had thought they were mean. They were the ones who had been out to hurt me. It was their fault, not mine. And I understood. I was not a good listener. I was not caring about them. It was all me, me, me. I lost a best friend for that and I have few friends now because of that.

Yet I also realized everyone else is the same. They are like me. They want to be heard. They want to be listened to. They will seek out those who listen. Who will hear. I have stopped trying to seek out someone who will listen. I have been hurt too many times and it isn’t worth it. But maybe, just maybe, I have been wrong this whole time and if I just listened to others without any expectations for myself things would be different.

All these thoughts kept me awake from 4am to around 5:30am. I had given up on returning to sleep.

graycat_chairOBEs

Then I was dreaming again. I was at a house this time. The owners were moving out and me and my mother and some other family I did not recognize were watching them. They were unable to take everything with them and they were leaving behind their three dogs. I lingered, watching them. They gave us permission to take what they left so I went inside while my mom waited in the car outside. I remember seeing the dogs, two of them huge Basset Hounds with long hair and one a small Beagle. They were running into the road and I had concern they would be hit.

I spent a while inside the house collecting mostly toys my kids would like. Their garage was full of them. I then wandered into the back yard but it started to get dark and my mom was yelling at me to hurry. I then saw a light shine through a window and went back inside, roaming through the kitchen and then making my way back into the yard. When I looked up, though, there was a ceiling and I was confused for a moment. That particular room was run down and dirty.

It was at this point that I suddenly gained awareness and the entire scene vanished. I was no longer in that dark house but in a newer one with brand new wood floors and nice furnishings. I was instantly happier and lighter and crawled along the wood floors like an infant. I was very aware of being naked and thinking about how I must look to someone, concerned about the way my breasts must have looked but not so much to worry about it.

As soon as I stopped caring about how I looked I felt myself lift up and I stretched out my astral body and willed myself up into the air. I was a bit unsteady at first but soon was hovering over the floor and then flying towards the door. The room instantly got brighter and I could see the furniture of the living area in front of me.

But I lost energy and the room instantly darkened. I was then hovering near my body and disappointed to have left. I willed myself back and there I was again, in the house. This time, however, I was standing in the kitchen, There was a yellow hue around everything and the floors were very shiny. I looked around and took in the scene. It was bright and I did not have any issue with seeing. I was glad for this. I had worried something was wrong with me in my last OBE since I couldn’t see well.

Then I heard a scratching coming from a door in the kitchen. I went over to it, looking closely at the white shutters that covered the bottom of the door. Since I could see outside I pulled back two slats of the shutters to look out. I could see a small shadow outside. I yelled at the animal, “You can’t come in!” and left the door as it was but the two slats fell off, broken. I knew the animal was a gray cat and I didn’t want him inside. I don’t like cats.

I then lost vision and I returned to my body. I stayed in the in-between state for some time, trying to decide if I would go back. The energy buzzed around me and felt comforting. I could feel that it was more intense around my heart chakra. I allowed the hypnagogic images to come in and watched them for a while. I almost went into one but my curiosity caused the image to suddenly fade. I eventually gave up and opened my eyes.

Evidence of Integration

I was told a while back to expect changes resulting from merging with my Higher Self. I was not given much information as to what that meant but had faith that it was a good thing. Since then I have experienced some subtle changes that I believe are a result of this merging process, also known as integration.

Of course there are my OBEs. They started back up at the beginning of the merging and have since continued, becoming more frequent and interesting. I suspected my OBEs from yesterday were an attempted soul retrieval which was later confirmed by some avid astral travelers I communicate with. This is a big changed from my previous astral experiences and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps I am going to have more similar experiences.

Then there is the change in how I perceive things. My guides still communicate with me, but during the day their messages are more blended with my own thoughts – almost imperceptible. I often miss their messages because of this but eventually they get through to me, one way or the other. The best example of this was the message to integrate yoga into my life.

Then there is the overall different feeling I have. It is hard to explain but I feel more whole than I did a couple of years ago. I am more certain and less likely to accept things in my life that I do not want. Yes I have been depressed more often but I think that is part of the process. I am healing and purging some repressed emotions which opens chakras and creates all sorts of symptoms (kundalini symptoms) that can be quite bothersome.

I don’t know how much longer this will all take but I am getting a glimpse of what I will be like in the end and I am liking it.

by

The Serpent is Rising

The following is a lucid dream I had this morning.

As I rode in a car along a road I did not recognized, we stopped alongside a cluster of mailboxes. I leaned out my window to open the mailbox and suddenly found myself standing alongside it outside of the car. I reached inside the mailbox and pulled out a golden necklace. Surprised, I peered inside and discovered a mass of jewelry. Excited, I pulled each piece out and inspected it. There were three necklaces, all very yellow gold with different pendants attached. I then saw a small bracelet made of silver links of chain. Attached was a small ballet slipper of blue that sparkled. There was another small slipper not attached and I made sure not to drop it.

After inspecting the jewelry I looked around, suddenly worried I would be caught with the jewelry. I worried about this only because 1. I was not sure whose mailbox this was and 2. the jewelry was not in a package but had been left inside in a cluster as if deposited in a hurry. I pocketed the jewelry and noticed a woman pull up in her car to retrieve her mail. I moved aside and let her.

Then I was laying in my bed seemingly wide awake. It was dark and I recognized that it was likely the very early hours of the morning. I decided I wanted to find my husband and cuddle and perhaps do more than that. The thought made me smile.

I went towards the bedroom and when I entered the living room the lights were on and my son was laying on the sofa watching T.V. There were also all kinds of objects that weren’t suppose to be there. The room appeared more like a mall or shopping area than my living room. The color of the scene was golden and shimmering.

I saw my son was eating candy out of a container shaped like an elephant. I asked him where he got it and he pointed to the kiosk nearby. It was closed but the candy shelves were exposed making the candy easy to take. I became full of anger towards my husband for allowing our son to be up so early, watch T.V. and eat candy. I changed my mind then and there about going to him. I was too angry. Yet I had this strong urge to move the energy of my root chakra which was suddenly feeling very alive and tingling. How would I do that now?

Then I saw a booth. A golden color shimmered around it. I went over to it. Inside there was a woman with long, blond hair. She sat behind a counter and smiled at me and told me, “I can help you”. I sat in front of her in a chair and we talked. She talked more than me, telling me about her job in the male-dominated steel industry. I commented that it must be nice and she nodded agreement. Then she touched my groin area with her foot and a spike of energy hit me all at once. It expanded and moved outward, engulfing my entire lower body with a warm energy. Then I felt it move upward. When it hit my second chakra I could feel it condense and ball up like a knot. It twisted and pain radiated into my lower spine.

The Serpent is Rising

The pain woke me up and I lay in a mixture of pleasure and pain as the energy continued to radiate outward around my lower body. I knew instantly what was happening. This was Kundalini energy. The serpent was rising. Unfortunately, my second chakra was too blocked to let the serpent through. I tried to will it to open and allow the energy to move up to my heart chakra. I knew when the energy hit my heart chakra I would be overcome with bliss and the thought of this excited me. But when I tried to open my second chakra the pain intensified. It felt as if something were squeezing my insides.

My guide intervened. “Not yet”, he whispered. I stopped and listened, remembering the last time I had experienced Kundalini. I wanted to feel it again. “It took 2 years last time” my guide stated matter-of-factually. “Oh,” I thought back to him. “How long will it take this time?”, I asked. But I had begun to drift back to sleep and my guide’s reply was lost. I only knew I needed not to force it; to let it take its time. Forcing it was not good. I somehow knew that it would not take as long this time. How long? I am not sure.

risingKundalini

Kundalini is described as a “sleeping, dormant potential force in the human organism”. The energy, also known as “the serpent”, is thought of as coiled up at the based of the spine. When the serpent awakens, it uncoils and the energy of it rises upward along the spine to the top of the head. It rises through each of the chakras, and as it reaches each chakra it is said to awaken different energies creating different awakenings, or spiritual experiences. When the serpent reaches the top of the head, or the crown chakra, it is said to create an extremely profound mystical experience described by some as infinite bliss.

The practices of yoga and meditation are said to awaken kundalini, but it can also be awakened by a guru. Sometimes kundalini is awakened by physical or psychological trauma and other times for no reason at all. Sometimes the individual is prepared for the kundalini and other times they are not. Those who are prepared, approach kundalini with pure surrender, which means no ego interference. Those who are unprepared may end up in a kundalini crisis.

Common symptoms of kundalini are:

  • Involuntary jerks, tremors, shaking, itching, tingling, and crawling sensations, especially in the arms and legs
  • Energy rushes or feelings of electricity circulating the body
  • Intense heat (sweating) or cold, especially as energy is experienced passing through the chakras
  • Visions or sounds at times associated with a particular chakra
  • Diminished or conversely extreme sexual desire sometimes leading to a state of constant or whole-body orgasm
  • Emotional upheavals or surfacing of unwanted and repressed feelings or thoughts with certain repressed emotions becoming dominant in the conscious mind for short or long periods of time.
  • Headache, migraine, or pressure inside the skull
  • Increased blood pressure and irregular heartbeat
  • Emotional numbness
  • Antisocial tendencies
  • Mood swings with periods of depression or mania
  • Pains in different areas of the body, especially back and neck
  • Sensitivity to light, sound, and touch
  • Trance-like and altered states of consciousness
  • Disrupted sleep pattern (periods of insomnia or oversleeping)
  • Loss of appetite or overeating
  • Bliss, feelings of infinite love and universal connectivity, transcendent awareness *reference

Round Two

I have experienced almost all of the above symptoms before, years ago, and it resulted in a “dark night of the soul” and some very intensely negative times for me. I emerged without incident, a more balanced person, just in time to meet my husband and start my family. In that time, the serpent retreated and went dormant. I knew this would happen, I just didn’t think of it in terms of kundalini. I just knew that for a while I would focus upon family. You see, I just now realize that spiritual awakening and kundalini are one in the same. At least they were for me.

And now it is happening again. The serpent is no longer dormant. There is lots of work to be done. Healing. Purging. A second awakening. I have experienced almost all of the above symptoms; still am. It started some time ago, though it was not as intense as it is now. I am now mentally kicking myself for not taking better care of myself spiritually over the last seven years. So much of what I am going through now could have been avoided. But, I cannot dwell on should have’s. What is done is done. At least this time I know what to expect and understand more as to why it is happening.

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What is Your Truth?

I think all my reading of channeled messages has gone to my head. Specifically I have been analyzing all of my physical, emotional and spiritual changes in the past 18 months. It is hard to lump them all into the category of “ascension” because for 10 months of the past 18 months I was pregnant. Also, I am still having a tough time categorizing my experiences; labeling them as some ascension process or even a second spiritual awakening. Ultimately, when I seek clarification from my guides I still get told that I am undergoing a “merging” process. For me, that explanation is acceptable and so much easier than all the mess of information out there about what is happening to so many people right now.

auraPhysically

The year I got pregnant (2013) was perhaps the worst year in my entire life. Actually, scratch out the word “perhaps” – it was the worst. Emotionally I was all screwed up. Blockages everywhere, trying to protect myself from the negative situation I put myself in. But physically I was sick more times in one year than ever I have remembered. First I got a nasty cold/cough that went on for almost a month. Three weeks after that I got the intestinal flu and it lasted 9 days! Skip to the Fall and I got the stomach flu AGAIN, this time while pregnant. Three times in one year is a record for me. I am never sick.

Skip to present time. I’ve had a muscle twitch in my right, deltoid muscle for a few days now. It is only noticeable when I am trying to relax, but when I do notice it I immediately wonder if it is the direct result of all that has been going on within me for the past who-knows-how-long. Today I don’t notice the muscle twitch but I am certain now that it was related to the clearing going on within me.

In the month of August I was hit with an embarrassing physical issue – specifically that my skin got all oily and nasty and my face broke out into what appeared to be a scaly rash. I could not get it to go away and it lasted over a month. I actually ended up hiding out in my house because I looked like a freak (in my opinion). Over that time I struggled with problems as a result, specifically that my husband got angry at me for my hermit-ways. I also struggled with my own vanity issues. Fun! – Not. I finally went to a dermatologist who said it was the result of 1. stress and 2. hormones. I was put on antibiotics and within days it vanished. Yay!

Another interesting change that I have noticed is that a physical ailment I have had since before pregnancy disappeared almost over night. I won’t go into detail on it but it was so concerning me that I was considering visiting my doctor to have it checked out and make sure it was benign.

One physical ailment that still has not abated has been, dare I say it? – hot flashes. I am not actually sure what is happening is hot flashes but I will say that out of the blue I feel hot and my forehead will start to perspire. I will not feel anxious when it starts but amidst it I will get a strong uncomfortable feeling and immediately want to stand in front of the fridge or turn down the a/c. I most commonly experience this over-heating phenomenon as soon as I wake in the morning, especially if I jump out of bed quickly. However, I will also have it hit me when speaking to others. Interestingly enough, it rarely happens during the day when I am alone and calm, leading me to believe it is the result of me picking up energies of others.

Another physical phenomenon that has been happening since the start of my pregnancy (leading me to believe it is hormone-related) has been intense sweating for no apparent reason. I don’t feel hot when it happens, either. When I first brought it up during pregnancy my doctor was concerned that it might be a thyroid condition. I was suppose to be checked out but never did. I figured it would stop after delivery of my baby, but it hasn’t, though it is not as frequent in occurrence.

Part of me can just chock all of the physical changes I have been experiencing to just having a baby in March of this year. But I have to say, this being my third baby and all, IF everything is just related to postpartum crapola, then why has this particular postpartum resulted in so much residual physical change?

Energetically

Energetically I have been a wreck since the year my dog, Trooper, died. It is like I was hit with a wall of emotional overload and just fell to the ground and curled up into a fetal position. It is odd to me that the loss of a pet would do that to me but we all have our breaking points. I guess that was mine.

I spent the majority of my pregnancy trying to cope with an intense anger at life and everyone around me. It didn’t make sense to me. I am not an angry person usually. Somehow I managed to get past it, but it wasn’t fun.

There was also a deep sadness that has been following me the entire time. When I succumb to it I cannot describe the depths of the anguish I feel. I have written a bit about the homesickness I have felt recently; the intense desire to check out of this life accompanied it. It hit me hard and out of the blue as well. But overall, I have always carried that feeling with me. Perhaps I have stripped away so much of my defenses and finally gotten near the core of the pain I have carried with me life after life?

Spirituallyc17d1-chakras1

Spiritually I have learned so much about myself but ultimately I still do not understand what all is going on. I mentioned in a previous post that I have been feeling drawn to read channeled messages. I still do not prefer to read them, though. There are few that I can read all the way through because of their repetitiveness. Another part about them that does not sit well with me is that there is so much written in them about Galactic this or Galactic that, DNA restructuring and other strange things. I mostly skip over that stuff because, honestly, I do not believe any of that matters. What is happening is happening because it needs to. Oh and yeah, it has happened before. It is nothing new. Yet what I read suggests it is a special thing happening to Earth and its inhabitants. Perhaps this is Ego interference? Because I have recalled many lives not on this planet and, trust me, it is not unusual. Even though change in this direction is new to Earth, if you go back far enough to early man you will find we all started out deeply connected to our Selves and this is just a return to that.

I figure I am being led to read these messages to find a message meant for me, so I read them and ultimately I do find validation about what I am going through. And that is the whole point, isn’t it? Perhaps there are some people who enjoy thinking that they are part of some “Galactic Federation” or like to believe they are receiving messages from the Pleiades. I find it distracts from the real message and maybe that is what it is intended to do. All I know is that I have learned to tune into my Self and only accept that which rings true to me.

So what do you all think about the messages you have read? Do you believe that people really are channeling Angels, ascended masters, and Pleadians? The Galactic Federation? or The Council? Do you believe our DNA is being changed? That we are being “downloaded” with information?

Take Caution

I always re-read what I have written in my posts. I do this multiple times to make sure it makes sense and flows. After reading over it just now I heard a message pop into my head. Caution. Take caution when reading the channeled messages out there. This is not so much for me – as I am wary of them by nature – but to those of you who do read them. They will distract you from Life if you become dependent upon them and this process they speak of.

Imagine that there was no such thing as the internet and channeled messages were not available to you. The only information you received came from within. That was all you had. How would it be different? How would you be different? Would you be able to tune into your Self to find your truth?

How would the changes you are experiencing be different?

When I ask myself these questions I realize that what I am going through would be unchanged. I have gotten validation through a couple of channeled messages, but really all that I know came from within. Yet I know there are so, so many out there who have not reached a level of understanding, who are still not strong in them Selves, to be capable of sifting through copious amounts of empty information in order to leave behind the raw, pure Truth.

So if you find yourself confused by too much information, stop. Stop reading it. Stop surfing the net looking and searching. You can’t find yourself there. You are right here. YOU. That is the ultimate source of Truth. There is no other who knows you like you do. No other who can answer your questions so precisely and truthfully.

I know I will not be looking at these messages anymore. They do me no good. They clutter my mind and infest me with confusion and questions. Perhaps that was my lesson. Is it also yours?

by

Class Resumes

I have been sleeping very deeply lately and my dreams have been numerous and vivid. Ever since I was told/knew that I would be taking a break from astral, I have not had any OBEs, though some of my dreams have been semi-lucid. Unfortunately, I do not remember many of my dreams. This could be because I am back to working and my schedule has reverted back to early morning risings and less leisure time. However, there is likely more to this phenomenon. There seems to be some learning going on in my dreams.

Back to School

This morning I actually had a dream that I remembered. I do not remember it very vividly but what I do remember is helping me recognize what is going on while I sleep.

In this particular dream I was with another woman and we were discussing psychology class. We also talked about how close I was to earning my degree – only one more class. In the dream I was telling her I had already taken psychology and was mentally listing all the classes I had taken in my head. In my mind I could see flashes of the textbooks and very vividly I saw Intro to Psychology and Sociology. I could not remember the names of the other courses but knew they were core courses and that I had taken them. I figured each class was 3 credits each and figured I needed 15 credits. Ultimately I only had one course left to take – 3 more credits. I did not feel excited about it, though. Instead I kept feeling that something was off. I knew that 15 credits was not enough to get a minor in a subject, which is what I was working towards. Yet as I tried to figure it out I could not get my thoughts together. It was like I was completely ignorant.

The dream shifted after this and I remember being in the midst of a Middle Eastern conflict. I was still at school, but the building and surroundings were unfamiliar. All around me were white buildings and sandy ground. The earth was barren and it was very obviously desert. There were men directing people, telling them when it was safe to cross from one building to the next. I was given the go ahead to cross but hesitated when I saw what was going on. Though I could see no enemy and the soldiers were dressed in civilian clothes, something made me cautious. I watched as groups of students crossed safely. Some even lingered for a while when no gun shots were fired. I stayed, looking around at my surroundings. The ground was made of packed dirt and the buildings were white. I saw a large bus full of children, so I walked over to it. The bus was also white. I went inside. This is when I was awakened by my daughter yelling excitedly.

lifeIntegration

My interpretation of these two dreams is that I am in the process again of taking in new knowledge. This is occurring simultaneously in my waking life and during my dreams. There is also an integration of this information that is on going.

I am somewhat aware of this integration when I am awake. For example, yesterday I was drawn to send energy and healing to a young girl who needed it. She was displaying signs of being overly anxious – fidgeting, bouncing her legs and looking down at the ground. I asked her Higher Self for permission, and although I mentally heard her scream out “No!”, I knew this was not her Higher Self but her fear of the unknown. When I sent energy, I imagined white energy pouring in through her crown chakra.   Within minutes of sending energy to her, she stopped fidgeting and began to relax. I stopped to see if her behavior would resume, and sure enough it did.

Then there are the unknown aspects of the lessons and integration of them. Though they begin as unknowns, they slowly rise to the surface as I notice their synchronicity. For example, I was drawn to read this book, “Seven Weeks to Forever” by Jennifer Farwell. I have not finished the book yet, but last night I could not stop thinking about how the main character knew so much about her own future and purpose. Specifically, she knew when she would die. I found it no coincidence that I recently was reminded that my own death is not too far off. My thoughts were immediately interrupted by my guide who reminded me that I could choose. And for a brief time I was calm and filled with knowingness and understood why my guides have been repeating the message to me, “Think about your life”. I recognized that my guide was right, I will be able to choose. Stay or go. I may not remember the moment when I make this decision but it will be presented to me. And so I contemplated it and thought, “I could do so much”, thinking about my new job and the girl I helped who was struggling with anxiety. I thought about how a coworker reached out to me to help him help others with anxiety. He brought up meditation and we have a meeting on Monday about it. I recognized this was no coincidence and that I have been presented with the ideal circumstances to fulfill my life’s purpose.

All these thoughts and realizations came together in mere seconds yet I felt as it I had been contemplating it all for days. And I had, though I was not aware of it. This moment of acute awareness and recognition of it all is the moment it integrates and becomes one with the me in this body. It is hard to explain, but if you experience you will understand. It is not an “ah-ha” moment, it is an “I know” moment. And it is instantaneous yet it has always been.

Another strange thing is that when I am alone and have no pressing responsibilities to fulfill, my mind is blank and even if I try to direct my thoughts to something spiritual, I stop and resume thinking of nothing. In this time my body feels unsettled but not with anxiety. It feels as if there is an energy that has yet to be released, as if it is trapped inside waiting to get out. I do nothing to move it though, because I am not led to do this. Instead it happens in my sleep, slowly. Thus, I have been experiencing sexual dreams on a nightly basis. At first I resisted these dreams but lately I have been impatient for them. This morning when I questioned this occurrence, my guide simply replied, “You need it”.

I have also been awakened by nightmares where when I wake I am so distraught it takes me a while to differentiate between dream and reality. My guide says this is the pain I carry inside me and that they are working to help me release it. Perhaps it is linked to the sexual dreams since this is the domain of the root chakra?

Processing

I sense that I am also in the midst of processing everything to make sense of it. This is on the mental level, of course. Spiritually, I do not need to “make sense” of it, but being in this body and in this physical state, it is how I keep all the information organized and usable. It can be overwhelming and in the past, when I have been in similar states, it has pushed me to the brink of insanity. In fact, last night when my guide began communicating with me, I instinctively knew that I should not rush the process (whatever it is). I should take my time, listen and integrate the bits and pieces as they come to me. Eventually it will all start to make more and more sense.

Already I can see what the future holds for the new, more aware individuals coming into life. I couldn’t help but wonder about the young girl I sent healing to. She appeared so overwhelmed with life. I saw myself in her, except that I am over twice her age. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes at such a young age. I could only guess that the reason she is feeling so overwhelmed is not because she has too much to do, but because she is being bombarded with energy, feelings and sensations she is unprepared to handle. In fact, the feeling I got from her is that she is wide open, similar to how I was during my mid-twenties. I have also recently met others who face similar obstacles. And I wonder, how many other children will I meet that are going through the same thing? And in thinking about all of this, I feel drawn to help, and I begin brainstorming ways to help them.

by

Peace

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

I woke this morning with the chorus from this song in my head and a feeling similar to how I was feeling not long ago – I didn’t want to get out of bed. A specific line of the chorus, “we’re only here, oh, for a little while”, kept repeating in my head. I love the song and it has been used to relay a message to me before, but this morning I just didn’t want to hear it.

Where Did the Memories Go?

As the song played in my head, memories of my youth began to trickle in. Specifically, a memory from when I was 12 years old. My father came back into my life after years of disconnection. He just popped back in, out of blue, and acted as if nothing had changed. Of course, me being 12 and all, everything had changed.

He brought with him a girlfriend. A very garish woman with big hair and penciled in eyebrows that made her look like a clown. Her makeup was dark and befitting of a twenty-something year old. Yet her clothing was more in line with her age – around 50 or 60. I don’t remember the woman’s name now, but I know I instantly did not like her. This is also not surprising considering the circumstances.

We went to a fancy restaurant – Red Lobster (back then it was considered high end – really!). We were there to celebrate my younger sister’s birthday. She would be turning 10. After eating, the garish woman and my father presented my sister with her gift and I was extremely jealous when she opened it. She got Clinique make-up! I remember looking at the little, sea green compact and feeling my heart sink. I thought to myself, “She is too young for that!” and wanting it desperately for myself. But I kept my mouth closed and smiled, pretending to be happy for her.

The memory stopped there but the feeling of it did not. I was so full of hate back then. It was me against the world. It was vile. I am not sure how I made it through my teens because that feeling pretty much stayed with me until I was in my mid-twenties. It grew and changed as I suppressed it and tried hard to not become the effect of it. Sometimes I managed to keep it at bay but most of the time it hung over me like a dark rain cloud.

Much of my feelings stemmed from anger but I also believe I brought some of them into this life with me. Especially the feeling that I should be loved more than my siblings. I secretly always wanted to be an only child. I have since remembered my last life. It was brief but I do know one thing – I was the only child. Hmmm. Ha! I was also not treated well and my life ended in a horrible way – murdered by a father figure; drowned in a shallow fountain in an unfamiliar place. Torn from my family, life taken from me abruptly and betrayed by someone I thought loved me, I found myself trapped between the Other Side and Earth – bound to a life that was no longer mine.

All these memories were instantly with me as I awoke this morning. Why? Perhaps it was because yesterday, looking into my daughter’s face as we spent time reading together before bed, I thought about how I use to cherish similar memories of my own childhood, yet, I could not remember them. Where did they go? And I thought to myself that this must be why I am so bitter about having to live life. I have lost memories I once cherished.

time_joakim_kraemer_photography_One Life, Many Me’s

I read yesterday in one of the many blogs I now follow on WordPress that as we change, we leave a part of ourselves behind. We shift into a new Self. This is part of living. It is part of change. And change is the one constant – it is expected, though many of us fear it and reject it.

I have had many me’s in this life. The first, my childhood – when joy and laughter were still very much a part of my life. This me only lasted for about six years. Too short, if you ask me.The second me began with my parent’s divorce and stayed until my mid-twenties. This was probably the most challenging part of my life. I went through middle and high school, met my first husband, went to college and then left my first husband. I lived in parts of the U.S. I never thought I would and traveled across the world to Australia and the U.K. Yet I was not complete. I felt lacking. All the time.

The third me emerged with my spiritual awakening at around the age of 26. I recall recognizing the other me’s during this time. They felt foreign to me. When I looked at those me’s a didn’t recognize them as a part of me. I was so different. There is no way they could be me. Even now, when I recall memories of those times, they seem surreal and dreamlike, as if they were just one of my many astral travels.

And now I feel like I am entering into another stage, one that will create yet another me. Hopefully the final me. I have yet to see where one me ended and another began, but this could be because I am in the midst of it. I worry that in order to transform into the new me there needs to be a drastic ending somewhere. For example, the beginning of the current me came after several drastic ends – the biggest being divorce. The ending of the childhood me came with divorce as well. And it could be that there will be divorce this time as well, but not necessarily the divorce of man and woman but a divorce of old habits, behaviors and beliefs.

Peace

The final feeling that came with hearing the song by O.A.R. this morning was an irritation at not getting to astral along with a rejection of astral travel – almost as if it serves only to slow me down right now rather than help me progress at the rate I should be. Typical of that internal conflict that has proved so difficult to overcome in this life – the ego versus the Self. Always, when I thought about the purpose astral travel serves in my life, I heard the line “we’re only here for a little while”, as if to say “Focus on living your life now, not on other planes of existence as it is this existence which is most important at this time”. And the message is clear – we are only here for a little while, just a blink compared to the eternity of that which we are. And the peace we find in ourselves can be found anywhere, even here on Earth, if we accept our chosen path, do not allow the ego to confuse us and misguide us, and travel it wholeheartedly. Easier said than done.