Quick update on my sister for those interested.

She is still in the hospital. At first she was waiting for the hospital to find a home service to come administer her daily intravenous antibiotics. This obviously didn’t pan out, probably because my Mom’s home is in the country (distance) and home health services are limited due to increasing Covid-19 infection rates (fear, lack of staff).

My husband went to visit her and returned home with some unfortunate news. When he asked my sister about her Meth abuse and how it had put her in the hospital and destroyed her heart valve, she claimed the Meth was not the reason her valve failed. Instead she explained how Meth was helping her – giving her inspiration and motivation to complete projects. She also pointed out how she had been using for six years without any complications and her valve had withstood the test of time, even outliving its original ten year expiration date.

Upon hearing this I was very disappointed. I asked my husband if he pointed out how Meth had rotted her teeth, leading to the sepsis that ultimately pushed her body to its limits. He said he had and she said she only had tooth decay because, “Meth makes you forget to brush your teeth.”

My husband pointed out the obvious – my sister has no intention of quitting once she has the surgery.

When I spoke to my Mom about I said to her, “I wish she would just decide whether she wants to live or die. It feels like she keeps changing her mind.” My Mom replied with, “That’s interesting because that is exactly what the surgical team said – she needs to decide whether she wants to live or die.”

The same day this news came to light I had other family issues arise and again began to lose my voice. 😦

My Mom also told me that my sister said the surgical team is planning on doing her surgery on the 15th. This makes no sense since the last major news was that it would take 45 days for the insurance to be transferred to the correct region. Perhaps she has it wrong and the surgery is scheduled for August 15? That would make more sense.

In the meanwhile, my sister wants out of the hospital. She is feeling good and so thinks there is no need for her to be there even though the doctors warned her that though she feels good her heart is near failure and she needs to “take it easy”. It would not surprise me if she checks herself out against medical advice like she did last time. Sigh.

Dreams and Messages

Thankfully I’ve been sleeping pretty well through all this drama. The dreams I have are mixed with memory of them fading quickly upon waking.

I’ve had several dreams where I am working as a counselor again. The dreams usually result in a confusion of my dream self. I wonder, “Why am I here? I already had a job?” The most recent dream resulted in me feeling like taking a counseling job would betray my current coworkers and so I was quite split about the decision.

It makes me wonder if I am considering returning to counseling on some level….

Recently I awoke speaking to someone in Spirit. My heart chakra was warm and active. It was a wonderful feeling, one I haven’t felt in a long while.

Another morning I woke up from a dream about food. I asked, “Why do I keep having dreams about food?” My guides replied with, “What do you nourish yourself with?”

This is a good question to ask ones self, especially if one is unhappy or feeling negative or rollercoastering.

I concluded that my mental nourishment needed adjustment and that I should focus on increasing my spiritual nourishment.

My self-talk has always been an issue because I tend toward self-criticism and self-judgment. Perfectionism at its best. It is easy to see only what is wrong and be blind to one’s blessings. So I have been working on focusing on my blessings but it is difficult with all the family drama and high triggering effect it has.

I’ve also become lax in my spiritual practices. Meditation isn’t happening much these days nor am I paying much attention to the signs and syncs the Universe sends.

As soon as I decided to pay attention, the signs started coming.

Beetle Symbolism

A few days ago, while at my Mom’s, I found five dead beetles. These were no ordinary beetles, though. In fact, I’ve never seen such large beetles in Texas before and I’ve lived here for most of my life. They are about two inches and some have horns on them. In fact, they look similar to a rhinoceros beetle.

I was fascinated with the beetles and took several pictures after examining them all and noting their differences. The two males have horns. Each male was found next to one female and another female was found alone. You can see one of the females has her wings out. She is also missing her abdomen. The other four are perfectly intact down to their antennae.

Previous to this beetle discovery I had found a lone female (on June 6th). I also took photos and inspected her closely, fascinated by her size and preservation.

The connection between them seems to be what was happening at the time of discovering them – the same family drama, relationship issues, boredom and questioning of my life. The last message I had received prior to June 6th was that I needed to dive into healing, focusing on my heart. I had a similar message about my heart and “doing the work” not long after.

The beetle is a symbol of transformation, eternity, moving between worlds, cosmic forces, rebirth and enlightenment. Since these beetles are dead, I wonder if this is a bad omen? Or it might just mean I am feeling “dead” in regards to the spiritual in my life? The last seems the most true to me. It may not be that these aspects are dead but that they are hidden from me due to all the physical world drama of late.

The female with her wings out and missing her abdomen feels like a representation of me. I tried to fly but couldn’t and in the process lost my “core” or received an injury to that portion of myself. The five beetles coincides with the number of individuals in my family which may or may not be significant.

Energy

Energetically I have been all over the place. Some days I feel quite balanced while other I feel disconnected, confused, or just plain triggered. The full moon eclipse of the 4th was especially odd. Mostly I just wanted to be alone but because of the family activities felt pressured into being around lots of people, people who I don’t feel much if any connection to.

Mostly I am left with a questioning of where I am currently in life, feeling the need to inspect the quality of the connections I have. Do the people I associate with resonate with me? If they don’t, then what? How do I correct this?

I am also questioning my future. What lies ahead? Sadly I see very little and have no specific goals in mind. In a recent conversation with my Mom about my sister’s plight I told her, “If I had little to no time left in this body I would be okay with it. I feel as if my work here is done.” My Mom asked me, “What about your children? They still need you.” I said, “Not like they use to. They would be fine without me.” Of course, my confession upset my Mom but she doesn’t understand where I am at right now. In a way I envy my sister’s position. Not the drug addict part but the part where the end of her life is in sight and she can easily take that exit.

My wishing to move onto the next world is not a new one. It seems the more spiritual experiences I have, the more the desire to move on becomes. What I’ve seen and experienced cannot be undone. Sometime I wish it could be. It is the cruel fate of those like me who walk the line between the physical, material, illusory world and the Spirit world and the Divine Connection of All That Is.