Tag Archives: dream analysis

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Snow Day and Dream: Flying!

We got snow in Central Texas a couple of days ago. There is still some on the ground. Usually snow, if it sticks, only lasts a few hours this far south but we got 4 inches of snow and the temperatures have stayed pretty low, especially over night.

While I like snow, I don’t like it enough that I want it to stick around for two days. Please, weather, warm up enough to melt it all! I prefer warmer weather to this frigid, bone-chilling, cold.

Still, though, snow can be quite lovely. The sound of it falling, the perfect blanket of white covering all imperfections on the ground, the way it illuminates everything…..

Here are some pictures I took. Enjoy!

Dream: Flying!

I couldn’t sleep last night for some reason. When I did finally sleep I had a dream that continued even after I woke several times.

The dream started out with me observing a military operation that was a coverup. The military would send children to “safe places”, but in reality they were taking them to a place where they would eventually be killed. I watched as several groups of siblings were taken away with permission from their parents. I protested quite loudly but no one would listen to me. So I watched this process unfold, unable to do anything to stop it. It was awful. It felt so real and was so upsetting that when I woke I believed I had relived a past life.

When I returned to sleep I was running and hiding. There was still this sense that the military was up to no good. There were dogs on my trail and I kept hiding under trees and in bushes hoping to avoid capture. I ran under some low hanging branches of a tree and tried to climb up off the ground. As I did this, a dog ran up under the tree with me. My last thoughts were, “Fine! I guess I will just get caught” as I looked down at this fluffy, golden colored dog who obviously was not there to do me any harm.

I woke again, this time asking to go OOB or at least to get a dream that was more positive and fun.

The military theme continued. This time, having been “caught”, I was ushered into a large classroom/gymnasium area. It was one of many and the one I was put in was across the hall from another one. Inside this classroom I was asked to wait and get settled. I remember seeing a whiteboard with writing on it and some drawings by previous students. I believe the students were in and out of the room while I was in it.

It was too cold in my classroom so I adjusted the thermostat. As I did so, a woman “teacher”, dressed in a brown military uniform, came over. I made an excuse but she said she was just tying to get to the eggs. She leaned over me and grabbed something, an egg. I remember thinking that what I was seeing as a classroom was not what she was seeing/experiencing. I briefly saw into her “world” and realized I was standing in a kitchen in front of the refrigerator.

My classroom then became a mixture of the two scenes. I saw a trash bag and people cleaning up after a meal right in front of the teacher’s desk. Inside the bag I could see a piece of paper with handwriting on it. I read a bit of it. It appeared to be an observation of me by someone I know in life. What they wrote was inaccurate. I remember thinking, “He can’t think that about me.” So I went and dug through the trash when the woman left the room. Turns out it the piece of paper was hand written notes by me describing arguments I’ve had with my husband. One of them was over something at work. I was embarrassed that this was out in the open for everyone to see because the arguments were very childish and a waste of time and energy.

Eventually I grew bored, grabbed the key to my room, unlocked it and so went across the hall with my dog (not sure where he came from). When I got to the other classroom I began to unlock it. A military woman came and stood next to me. I could see that inside the classroom a whole group of higher ranking military personnel were inside. The woman indicated I was turning the key the wrong way. I felt scrutinized, so went back to my classroom.

When I got inside the room had changed. It was a massive gymnasium-type space filled with students wearing PT clothing (gray sweat pants and shirts). The male PT officer came in and began directing the activities. He had in his hand a PVC pipe and selected students to demonstrate to the group how to do pullups. He pointed to me. I said, “Me?” He nodded “yes” so I went up to him. He asked me if I knew how to do a pullup. I said I did. He then instructed me to grasp the pipe with palms facing toward me. I said, “You mean chin-up then.” I showed him I knew how to do one but when I grabbed hold of the pipe I began to float. I became weightless. It took some practice but I did the chin-up easily, knocking out ten reps without issue. The officer congratulated me in front of the class for good form.

Once I was freed of being in the spotlight, I wanted to float more so I begged the PT officer to let me. He nodded that I could and I began to float and propel myself all over. I ended up flying everywhere, zigzagging across the room as if I was on a bungie cord. I invited other students to join me. Some looked at me like I was the “bad” student, standing below me with disapproving faces. Some joined in on the fun.

Eventually, I was flying with two men through a tunnel. The men were telling me it was time to settle and get back to work. I was flying over the tops of their heads messing with their hats. Both had plastic water bottle caps on their hats, which I picked up and inspected, thinking, “Why are these here?”

Interpretation

This dream seems to one of those where I am semi-aware of a conversation or situation that is not meant to consciously recalled. Therefore, I end up experiencing two settings overlapping. One is in a home, the other a classroom/gym.

There is definitely an emotional past life or current life situation being discussed. The military is symbolic of a serious situation or lesson/struggle I am involved in and discussing. Something is happening to individuals who I feel are innocent or unknowing and I am unable to bring attention to the situation. I feel powerless to help and this causes me great upset. Based upon my emotions and reaction to the dream, it feels like these “innocents” are humans who are not yet “awake” and so not unlike innocent children who I want to protect. These children are being lied to and manipulated and it ultimately leads to their demise. So, it is a Collective dream.

The seriousness of the dream and whatever is being discussed takes its toll so I ask for a reprieve and am given it. Though I don’t become lucid, it was very real, as if I were fully lucid. The flying was amazing! I wanted to go back to that part of the dream when I awoke.

Interesting enough, the symbolism in the end is the most revealing. Going through a tunnel while being told it is time to get back to work is symbolic of my return to the body and physical life here on Earth – I need to focus on doing what I came here to do. The bottlecaps symbolize my roots and connections to humanity.

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Waiting for the Call

Since my Kundalini dream last week, not much else has happened. The K has been quiet and dreams have been strange if recalled but mostly forgotten. I have had some interesting messages from the Universe that have come in various ways all seeming to add up to one complete message that I am not completely open to hearing. 

First, I have been less resistant the last couple of days. In general the energy seemed to be lighter and I was more go-with-the-flow than I have been in a while. Sleep was generally very good and solid and the normal day-to-day problems I tend to focus on or mull over were just not worth my time.

Then, yesterday, on my morning walk, I was thinking of our ski trip to Montana the week after Christmas and going through a mental list of things we still need. One thing I realized was a must have was Chapstick. Lips tend to get very chapped when temperatures are below freezing all the time. I remember thinking, “I need to get some Chapstick.” With that thought I put my attention on the parking lot ahead of me and my dog, Monty. That is when I saw very clearly a tube of Chapstick laying directly in my path. When I inspected it I saw it was brand new, unopened and still sealed. It was even the kind I usually get for the kids – cherry flavored! I laughed and thanked the Universe for the gift.

The rest of the day was good. We put up our Christmas tree and then me, my husband and the boys went to a nearby hiking trail for an evening hike with the dog. The Fall colors were beautiful in the light of the setting sun! The air was brisk but not too cold and there weren’t too many people out and about. I took some great photos. I somehow caught a perfect image of my own shadow in one picture, which felt significant to me. It is as if my HS is saying, “Here I AM. Pay attention. Listen.” 

Toward the end, as I walked ahead of everyone, I heard two owls (wisdom, inner guidance) hooting to each other. I couldn’t find them in the trees but they were very chatty. 

As we drove home we came across a small group of deer (guidance, resilience, change) running through a parking lot (lack of movement in life). 

My husband and boys decided to go to a movie after we got home. I snuggled up in bed with my cup of tea and zoned out watching two episodes of The 100 before doing my nightly meditation. This is when all the messages I pushed away purposefully from the day came back in spurts. It felt like my guidance was tapping on my shoulder very gently asking me to please pay attention. Some of the messages that came through included: 

A thought that the things I nitpick and get irritated about in my day-to-day life are not important and that, someday, I will look back and regret how I behaved because it was not from a place of love. Memories of other times this has happened came into my mind and I remember knowing I should listen but my Not-Self came back with the thought –  it is pointless to change because I always fail when I try.

A sense that change is coming. There was a presence all around me that felt to be pressing upon me with a feeling of “get ready”. 

My mind went back to an email I received earlier that day. The title was, “Comfort zones are where dreams and goals go to die.” My thought to this was, “I like being wrapped up in my comfort zone, safe to the point of boredom. It is better than the alternative, the uncertainty and the unknown.” After this thought I thought, “I don’t even know what my dreams and goals are anymore.” Then, feeling and Knowing excuses were pointless in the face of my guidance/HS, I asked, “Fine. What should I change?” I knew it was almost everything. 

Then the song returned that had come to me before as a message – “It’s time to be a big girl now, and big girls don’t cry.” 

The messages were received but I purposefully pushed them out of my mind. In doing this I was asked why I might not want to hear. I knew there was more than one reason. First, I struggle to grab onto any hope that there might be something ahead to look forward to. If I hope and things don’t turn out how I hope they will, I feel sorely disappointed. Then there was the fear of stepping into the unknown. Always fear of the unknown.

Dreams

I had several interesting dreams. Sadly, only fragments remain. 

In one more vivid dream, I was flying over a vast, crystal clear lake. Alongside me was a drone. I could hear the buzzing of its little motor. The drone spoke to me, asking me to follow it. Below, a small boat came into view and I knew the operator of the drone was on that boat. I could see a man fishing from the boat. I was told to go to a large rock so I did. I landed on top and looked around. The lake seemed to stretch for miles all around, its water a vivid, aqua blue. I could see everything that was under the clear water. There were fish of all kinds. Many looked tropical while still others looked like fish from a coral reef. The water was very deep yet I could see the rocks of the bottom as if they were just a couple of feet below. Then I heard someone call to me. I turned to look and saw three young men on the mainland. They wanted to come to my tiny rock island. I told them to be careful because the distance between my island and the mainland was far. I saw one young man jump and feared he would fall but he landed with ease next to me. I am pretty sure he floated across. When he landed I saw he was a good two feet taller than me. He asked me about the fishing and I told him about how the fish seemed like those from an aquarium and a coral reef. I didn’t think they would be good to catch and eat.

In another dream I was in a house with a small group. One was a medium and there was discussion about my gifts as a medium. I remember telling those in the group that I was not very good at what I did, at least not good enough to make a living doing it. I gave many reasons why I could not and would not try again. Throughout this I watched this man who was a trance medium. He had with him an older woman with red hair. There was much talk about this man was at what he did. I watched him do his work and saw how good he was. I felt completely unable to be anything like him. I was told my way was not his way, my gifts were not his. I remember receiving encouragement and support but I would not believe. My self-doubt was strong. At some point I remember a male voice very clearly say to me, “Don’t be afraid.” As I heard this a very strong energy came in and filled my entire head and began to migrate down. I could feel and hear the vibration of this energy. It was very familiar and though I was not afraid, I did startle awake instantly. 

Considerations

I am not sure why I didn’t realize I was OOB in the first dream. It was obvious to me when I awoke, though. The dream imagery was very vivid as was the feeling of my astral body and the clarity of my perception. It felt to me like I had entered an astral landscape. It was a place where flying was normal yet I did not realize this fully. The clear lake is symbolic of my inner world being cleared to make ready for making change in my waking reality. The fish represent choice and fishing represents making that choice. I “fish” for the next opportunity but am hesitant to make that choice. I am on an island which symbolizes feeling isolated, alone and trapped. The fact that the distance between the mainland and island appears far but really isn’t symbolizes that things are not as they seem. 

My sense of the second dream is that it represents a conversation between myself and my Team of guides. Recently I was asked if I would consider returning to previous “work”, work of a spiritual nature. The idea of trance mediumship came up as an option and I told my guidance I was not opposed to it because I feel I am capable, especially after experiencing several unintended instances of it. So the second dream appears to be a continuation of this conversation and the energy I felt toward the end was likely a practice attempt but I awoke and interrupted it. 

When combined, the messages and dreams indicate preparation for something up and coming, a change of some kind. The way I responded indicates my preparedness. While a part of me is ready, another is unwilling to take risks, afraid of and pessimistic about the future. As I contemplate all of this, I feel I am ready for change but don’t want to go it alone. The lack of support and direction is what holds me back. I just don’t have a solid Knowing or Call in any one direction. I am just waiting for the Call.

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Dream: Wasted

Had some upsetting dreams this morning.

Dream: Wasted

I woke around 6am and went back to sleep asking to go OOB or to have a K dream or anything substantial because it has been so long since I’ve had any experiences that motivated or inspired me. I ended up having a teary dream instead.

The part of the dream I recall the most is being at this house I didn’t recognize. I was outside standing in the yard noticing my surroundings. There was a narrow sidewalk (step outside your comfort zone and accept change) with flowers and flowering shrubs on both sides. The flowers were growing very well, so much so that they would hit a person’s legs as they walked on the sidewalk. 

My husband was with our neighbor outside talking. It appeared they were adding a stone landing in front of the back porch. I called out to him to tell him about the overgrown sidewalk but he seemed to not hear me. I walked up and saw the stones placed equal distance apart. I stood on the porch (viewpoint from outside of some situation) looking down at them and said, “This looks good. Great job!” Again, he seemed not to hear but by this time it felt like he was just ignoring me because of his conversation with the neighbor.

I decided I would have to clear the path on my own and turned back toward it. When I looked, though, someone had already cleared it. I thought, “Of course.” I was irritated that someone had already done it. Not sure why. Perhaps I was feeling as if the purpose I thought I had – of clearing the pathway – was never my purpose to begin with? Or maybe it was from feeling I was wrong?

I walked down the sidewalk inspecting the work done. It was neat and well done. On one side, the right side, were chairs set up facing the sidewalk, as if an audience frequented the space. The seats reminded me of movie theater seats (viewing path from perspective of observer). One sole flower was still close to the sidewalk. I pushed it toward the chair and it easily slid in place, roots and all. The flower was white and reminded me of a lily (relief from worries of life).

I turned to the other side, the left side, where there had been a field of flowering plants, all white lilies, but they had vanished. Instead there was a room without a roof and I found myself at the front of a house looking at a ceiling height wardrobe. At first I opened the door and saw clothing but shut it. I recall thinking I wanted to see something else. Then I slid the same door open and the clothes were gone. In their place were CDs (change, transition, possibility), hundreds of them all in slots and organized. 

I recognized the CDs to be the music collection of my ex-husband. He loved country music. Something about seeing all the CDs upset me. I saw two large sections of CDs and recognized one to be his CDs and the other to be mine from when we were married. I recalled that I also had country music in my collection. All the songs and artists I had in my collection came to mind vividly to the point I had recollections of singing to them while driving along the country roads in Montana.

Upset and feeling very down and depressed about life, specifically thinking that my lifetime has been for nothing, I picked up the first collection of CDs, my ex’s. It was large and heavy, about a three by three feet cube filled with CDs. I placed them on top of me like a blanket (seeking security, protection) and pulled my own box of CDs on top of me as well. I curled up in the fetal position and lay there with the CDs on top of me. They did not feel heavy at all. I wept slow, sad tears and perceived myself both as the person crying and from the perspective of an observer above, watching myself crying while surrounded by lilies.

Some of what I was feeling was related to feeling ignored by my husband. He ignored me, preferring to talk to the neighbor. My husband loves to talk to others and is most happy when he is in conversations with others. He loves meeting new people and getting to know about them. He will talk to the neighbors and strangers and anyone when he is in the mood to talk. The dream brought up my consideration about this trait of his. His talking often feels hollow. It is as if he does it out of habit or maybe as a coping mechanism. Sometimes having to listen hurts me, like eats at my own energy in an almost painful way. I feel this with others who talk as if out of habit, too. Their words have no substance behind them. I sometimes feel like their talking is to fill up the space of the moment so that the speaker can pass the time without really feeling the moment. I think, “Do they ever shut up? Can they just be quiet and sit comfortably in the silence?” 

I recalled my heart connection was this way, too. He talked and talked as if trying to fill up the space between us in order to avoid something. The love? The connection? Who knows. I remember wishing he would just be quiet for a moment, to just stop and feel. 

Some of what I was feeling was related to the past, also, to all the things I did to try to connect to my ex. The music was just one example of how I changed myself to try to connect to him. I hated country music when I met him but since he liked it, I began to like it, too, to the point that I began to adopt it into my own music collection. When we parted ways, I brought my music with me but rarely listened to it after. Why? Because in reality that music was not my preference. It wasn’t truly me. 

The feeling here about that time was it was a “lifetime” wasted. The feeling about my current “lifetime” was the same: wasted. 

Considerations

My tears woke me up and I lay there feeling sad for a while. 

I remember a song was in my head as I woke. “Cause all of me, loves all of you…….You’re my end and my beginning….” I’m not sure why it was in my head but it continued to play despite my thoughts and discussion with my guidance, as if a reminder of something.

Memories of other dreams were present but in bits and pieces. I recall seeing visuals indicating delay and postponement. The feeling was/is that no movement is to be made for a while – it felt like years and years.

My first thought to my guide was, “We were discussing that weren’t we?” “That” here is referring to me considering exiting life and why. My guidance nodded confirmation and reminded me of how far I had come but the feeling that it has been for nothing was strong. In fact, the feeling dominated. I saw this life and all my lifetimes to be like those empty words that hurt to hear. That all my time has been to fill up the space of existence but has been without substance. Hollow. 

I remember thinking that if I had to do this life all over again I would omit ALL the spiritual experiences. My guidance was intrigued by this. Why? Because those experiences are why I feel so disconnected from the physical, from the world, from the sleeping populace. 

I began to begrudge our “creators”, that alien species who created humans and then abandoned us abruptly. They left us (humans) after centuries of playing our “Gods”. They taught us nothing of our true nature. They allowed us to worship them, to look to them for all the answers. Then, when they left, we didn’t know what to do. So in desperation we created our own Gods and those who saw the opportunity took power from the rest of the population who so desperately longed to be “guided” by their creators. But with those creators gone, the only guidance they had came from within but they did not know how to follow that guidance, choosing instead to follow other humans who claimed to have been chosen to lead them. But in reality, those “leaders” knew no more than anyone else. 

My disappointment in humanity was – IS – strong. It feels so hopeless. I remember talking to my guidance about how we humans are “children”. Our “parents” (creators) left us to fend for ourselves. The reality is that no matter how much they taught us, we would not truly know until we were on our own, left to fall and pick ourselves back up over and over again. They watch from afar, waiting to see if/when we will finally “grow up”. 

It seems the core of my sadness and desire to depart this reality is based upon how truly impossible the task of waking up humanity feels to be. I wish our creators would come back and give humans a good ass whooping.

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Lucid to OBE: Return to Past Dream and Music Message: You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful

Last night marked the third night of listening to a 30 minute Delta State track, or binaural beats as some call it. The first time I listened I was startled awake by a familiar feeling. The feeling is hard to describe unless you’ve consciously gone OOB, meaning you were not using a method like the WBTB (wake back to bed) or going OOB via a lucid dream. When you leave your body consciously the sensations tend to be much stronger, which is why I prefer to exit via a lucid dream. So when I began to feel literally sucked out of my body via my heart center it startled me awake. Then I lay there, heart pounding for a while, as if I had just sprinted a short distance.

The second and third times I listened to the music I did not have this happen but did find myself drifting into the in-between for short periods. My mind has been super over-active lately so it takes me the full 30 minutes of my meditation time to shut it down. 

I’ve also been sleeping pretty deeply for a while now, which I am not complaining about since prior to this deep sleep period I was not sleeping very well. 

I woke at around 4:45am from an odd dream and then got back into bed but lay there wide awake for some time. 

Lucid Dream: Return to Past Dream

I traveled to a past dream I had some time ago. In fact, I don’t even recall when I had this dream or if I documented it. Yet when I returned to it, I recalled it vividly. I remember exploring the dream scene to the point of returning to it and then watching it fast forward and rewind based on what I was interested in. 

The dream itself involved a past coworker, a history teacher who had retired. He had taken me to his cabin in a vast, hilly grassland located below a mountain range that was reminiscent of Montana. We then traveled to where he taught college aged students history. The classroom was located under ground and we walked through a tunnel to get to it.

I recall sitting in a desk watching him teach. A feeling came over me and I began to miss teaching to the point of considering returning to work in that capacity.

In my return to this dream I sat back in that seat and re-experienced that feeling. I’m not sure why. I believe I was conversing with a guide about it. 

I also returned to the scene of the cabin nestled under the shadow of the mountains far from civilization and shrouded in moonlight. The starry sky overhead seemed so big. I felt safe despite the vulnerability the openness brought. It seemed as if I was being asked to focus on how I felt at this time. There was a sense of someone saying, “This is where you belong”.

Then I was inside a home looking at a shelf with toiletries hanging on the wall next to a doorway. My ex-coworker was there and I mentioned the shelf, saying I missed it. I distinctly recall staying at the house and using the shelf to hold my things and I knew the toiletries it contained were mine.

I focused on a small bar of soap feeling the desire to reclaim the shelf and its contents.

I began to take down the shelf using a screwdriver. When I got the shelf on the floor I began to disassemble it. My coworker stopped and asked me about it. “Oh, it’s the shelf. Are you taking it?” I felt a bit guilty for not asking but responded, “Yes”, and continued to take it apart. The tiny screws kept slipping through my fingers. There were four and I was counting them to make sure I had them all. 

There is a mixture of visuals here – faces from my past blurring into other faces and life scenes all at once. Most of what I recall are the faces of past coworkers, bosses and students. All memories of my time spent teaching. 

OBE 

The strange blast of memories led me to realize I was dreaming. There was the familiar feeling of being OOB – heavy yet mobile, as if something was weighing me down. Sleep maybe?

I immediately shifted away from the strange memory daze I was in. 

I found myself in a place that was not my bedroom, though somewhat like it. What was surprising here was how well I could see. Realizing I was OOB I moved quickly and with joy at the chance to play. I have not been OOB in some time and miss the freedom it offers.

Sadly I can’t recall what I did next only that I ended up back in my body. My heart was beating erratically but I ignored it and shifted back out. My vision was not clear at first and I closed my eyes tightly to check if I was really OOB. When I realized I was my vision returned and I could see through closed eyes.

Again my vision was full-on and I rushed out of the room and down the stairs. I attempted to fly or float down but could not lift myself up any higher than I would be able to in the physical.

At the bottom of the stairs I saw my dog, Monty. I took him with me toward the front door. My vision was fading in and out at this time and I kept reminding myself “I can see” to turn it back on.

Someone knocked on the front door and I opened it. 

Outside was an unfamiliar scene. The neighborhood street was there but it was crowded with people in cars. One car in particular had people driving it that were trying to get my attention. The car seemed incomplete, though, as if the back end was missing and it had no roof over the front. The man in the car was standing up out of the driver’s seat waving wildly at me. My dog was growling and barking. I opened the door widely to encourage Monty to go out, which he normally would do when the opportunity is offered. He didn’t budge though and backed up, hiding behind me.

I went outside, fearless, towards the car. The man inside was honking his horn and still waving. I recall turning back toward the house momentarily. I had the thought of, “What to do now?” With that thought I began to feel like a joyful and mischievous child. The clothes I was wearing suddenly felt heavy and cumbersome. I think I had on a coat. I thought, “I want to be naked” and began to happily tear my clothes off. The idea of being naked was exciting and I desperately wanted to be free of the burden of wearing all those clothes.

As I tore off the first layer my vision began to fade out and I knew I was moving back into my body. I tried to relax into it, allowing myself to return with the intent to instantly leave again. Sadly, when I returned my heart was doing odd things in my chest again and it felt very uncomfortable. There was a slight sense of breathlessness, too, which I think was the main reason I did not go OOB again.

My heart settled soon after I came firmly back into my body. I lay there a while. A song was going through my head. Specifically the lyrics, “You don’t know you’re beautiful….”

Considerations

Most of my OBEs lately seem to be odd like this one. So my best bet is to try and focus on the symbols within it.

The return to a previous dream seems to simply be a dream conversation with a guide. The feelings it provoked in me reminded me of that satisfied feeling I use to get when I was a teacher. There were times early on when my entire body would get covered in goosebumps during teaching. This always happened when my class was very engaged and interested in what I was saying. Whenever this happened I would think/feel, “This is why I’m here.”

The shelf and my focus upon it appears to symbolize something I “put on the shelf” and am now wanting to take back and focus on. Since the shelf had toiletries on it, specifically a bar of soap, perhaps I am seeking healing or cleansing?

The OBE itself seems to be mostly about me trying to remove the burdens that are weighing me down. I am easily able to manipulate my ability to see, which is a positive sign.

The car without a roof with the man in it is interesting to me. I don’t know who the man is but in a previous OBE I was warned I would meet a man who had a car that was incomplete – the rear end was missing and there was no speedometer. The warning was that he would go very fast. I believe the missing back end of the car was symbolic of “no going back” and the possibility of “high speeds”. In that past OBE I remember deciding I would stay clear of the man and in this current OBE I turned away from him despite him yelling and waving at me to come to him.

Could it be the same man? Not sure but interesting nonetheless.

Overall, I am curious about the return to the past dream and how it made me feel. Lately I have been contemplating those things in life which brought me that “covered in goosebumps” feeling. Not many things have. Teaching primarily has brought on that feeling. I only got the feeling when I was teaching certain subjects, though – spiritual and self-help topics. For example, I first felt these feeling when teaching Psychology in high school. It also occurred when speaking to groups about spiritual topics – spirit guides, meditation, mediumship, spiritual abilities – and when giving readings. Finally, it came when teaching very young children guidance lessons. Guidance lessons focus primarily on helping children learn social skills such as how not to bully, speak over others, tattle, etc. With the little ones I think the feeling came from mostly from their openness and complete joy at being with me; full acceptance and connection.

My current life and career is devoid of such feelings. Completely lacking.

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Dreams Indicate a Lesson Will Repeat Itself

Meant to post this over the weekend but was too busy. The following dreams were from Saturday morning, July 11th.

Dream: World History A

I was in a college setting. The color brown was prominent as if I was in an older building similar to very old universities. I was discussing my upcoming school schedule with a man. I remember being asked about returning after such a long break and reminded how I failed a class – World History A (first half of the full course). He indicated that in the end I had just failed to come to the class and did not even bother to withdraw. So he had to assign me a grade in the end.

I remember feeling a dislike for the course and not being excited to have to repeat it but I also had a hopeful, determined feeling about returning to school and finishing the last semester to obtain my second bachelors degree once and for all.

Looking at my schedule I had five classes but the only ones I recalled were World History B and Algebra. Algebra was the last class and World History B was the third one. The fourth class was an elective the school had assigned me because I had not selected one. I asked if I could retake World History A during 4th period and was told I needed to speak to the professor about it. I asked if he was “black” and described the professor I remembered. The man told me, “I don’t know.”

My memory of the World History A course indicated I did not like the professor’s teaching style. The class was asked to read The Hobbit  chapter-by-chapter together, analyzing the characters and then taking very long tests about the story. I recall my grades being poor and my final grade was 34%. There was anxiety about how my new grade would be determined. Would they average my first grade with my new grade? If so that would mean I would have to make a very good grade this time around.

The World History B class was with a new professor who had a teaching style much easier for me to adjust to. It focused on the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The World History A teacher had a style I struggled with. I could never figure it out which is why I did so poorly. I made a decision to study harder this time around and pass the course once and for all so I could graduate and move on.

I was taken to meet the World History A professor. He was in a room surrounded by many students and did not appear as I thought he would. Yes, he had darker toned skin but he was not “black”. He was also very laid back. He had many of students surrounding him and they were all very friendly, almost too much so, like they were intoxicated or high. Many of them touched me as they passed and looked at me like they were looking into my soul.

I asked if he would allow me to add his class. He reminded me the first day of school had just passed and I would miss out on that first day. I reassured him I could handle the missed work. He agreed to let me join the class.

My dream memory fades out here and I remember having a conversation with a guide. He shows me three uncooked hot dog wieners and points to the first one. I knew they represented men in my life (wiener = penis = masculine) and that he was saying the World History A class was representative of this first masculine energy somehow. I had failed the lesson pertaining to this masculine energy and so now was returning to give it another try.

Dream: Bosu Fruit

I left the school to meet up with my Mom and step-dad. I was walking outside near a large garden with my mom waiting for her husband. He pulled up in a van and asked if I could get him the hose. I walked to the garden and saw a large watering set-up with various size hoses. I selected one that was tossed to the side and offered it to him. He said it was too flimsy and pointed to a larger one. I recall looking closely at the system and marveling at how it worked. The garden was lush and tall flowers peaked over the fence nearby. I believe they were sunflowers.

Then we drove to a house and went inside. My mom and I went on the back patio. I noticed her hair was very curly and she commented that she over did it and had not intended it to be that way. I told it it looked nice and remembered how she use to get perms to make her hair that way in the 80’s.

Then I saw a short tree full of ripe fruits. There were some fruits on the ground, too. I began to select them, sorting through those that had imperfections from birds and small animals taking bites out of their ripe flesh. The fruits were small and fuzzy like peaches and quite red. I asked my Mom what they were called and she said, “Bosu fruit”. The name didn’t make sense to me and I kept asking her again and she would repeat “Bosu” but I would think Kumquat or peach.

Then we were eating a dish made from the fruit I had picked The dish had a red sauce that tasted like spaghetti sauce. I remember this confused me. It was a fruit, right? Why did it taste like tomatoes? When I looked in the sauce I could see the red fruit, some in whole pieces. I kept eating the dish. The taste is still very strong in my memory.

Bosu

When I woke I lingered in bed and songs and conversations floated through my mind as I drifted in and out of the in-between.

I remember wondering what “bosu” meant. I got a full sentence that I can’t remember now (of course) but it was something like, “It’s time to awaken and expand your consciousness, not contract into yourself.”

The name Bosu reminds me of the BOSU ball used in exercise. It is mostly used for increasing one’s proprioception – the body’s ability to sense location, movement and action without thinking about it. Proprioception is sometimes described as the “sixth sense”.

BOSU ball

It feels as if the fruit symbolism and name is meant to remind me to trust myself and use my intuition or sixth sense to guide me. 🙂

Considerations

I’m not sure what the history class dream signifies except that I am returning to a lesson I failed to learn. Being it is a history class that focuses on The Hobbit it could be about my journey to Self. The Hobbit is about a hermit who has to step outside of his comfort zone and venture into the unknown. So perhaps that is the lesson I need to learn still? The Lord of the Rings trilogy of the second class is also a symbol. Here it is indicative of the second half of this lesson. My guess is it is more about the world being disrupted by a great evil and the part I have to play in it alongside others who have similar missions. I am to learn both lessons in the same “semester”. The Algebra class is also part of this semester indicating that logic and reason are also a lesson somehow.

My take on the dream is that I am back-tracking. This makes me feel a bit disappointed. It seems I am always going back to lessons and it is tiring. No wonder I was so determined in the dream to “study hard” to pass the classes and graduate!

The bosu message is also interesting. It just felt that I was being asked to return to a more expanded consciousness; to expand rather than contract inward. The fruit itself initially looked like and felt like a Peach. Peaches symbolize love and relationships. The fruit itself was a deep shade of red, though, and ultimately tasted like a tomato, which is also a fruit. Tomatoes represent approaching good fortune, passionate and often concealed love, and fertility. Red in and of itself is the color of love and passion

Combined, the two dreams seem to indicate a return to a lesson involving the masculine energy (or a male individual). The fruit part indicates a concealed, passionate love connection as well. This lesson would be one that was not fully learned. As the teacher reminds me in the dream, I stopped attending class but never officially withdrew. Therefore, I avoided the lesson in the end, maybe because I felt I could not successfully complete it after failing so many tests. I may not have withdrawn completely because a part of me was still interested or believed I could pass the class. 

Much of the first dream involved my consideration about the teacher of World History A. I saw his skin as black and disliked his teaching style. The color black can symbolize the unknown but it can also represent a dark side or aspect of something. When I finally met him he was not black after all and his students were all intoxicated. To me this is symbolic of the Kundalini energy and points to my withdrawal from my previous lessons with the energy.

The Hobbit symbolism gives some insight into the lessons I was learning at least. Knowing me, the lesson asked me to expand beyond my comfort zone and I was not ready to. Instead I chose to stay in my “Hobbit hole”. lol This I can completely relate to. When given a choice to take a risk or stay safe, I tend to choose safety.

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Dream: You are Beautiful

I’ll start with the good news. Yesterday I got to see my brother for the first time in about two years. He flew in from Arizona, my Mom and step-dad picked him up and they had a late lunch with me and my husband. Then we ended up back at our house to catch up for a while. It was nice! My brother doesn’t fly back until this Friday. 🙂

Now the not-so-good news. Since my last post quite a bit has happened.

The heart hospital scheduled my sister’s surgery for this morning at 8am. We were all relieved that she would finally have the help she needed. My brother, who is in the Air Force, got a special leave granted to be here for her surgery.

Last night my Mom told me that my sister’s husband told her there might be an issue with their insurance, which is Medicaid. When I heard this I asked my Mom to clarify the date and time of surgery – Who told her? Had it been confirmed by the hospital? She asked me, Why so many questions? and I said it was not like a hospital to confirm surgery without first checking on a payment guarantee, especially a surgery that would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This morning I found out via FB that the surgery was cancelled. My step-dad later texted and said the hospital is “working to get insurance issues resolved.”

I have no idea what will happen next. My guess, though, is if insurance issues are not resolved then her husband will take my sister to another hospital to see if he can get them to do the surgery. If he is smart he will check if they accept their insurance first. I doubt the heart hospital will keep her much longer now that they know there will be no payment. Maybe they will transfer her? Hopefully.

The other bad news…. When I first spoke to my Mom on the phone yesterday she was quite upset. My BIL asked her to drop my nephew with his mother. When my Mom did this she confided in my BIL’s mother that she was frustrated with the Meth use by both her son-in-law and my sister. Then she told them, “IF they continue to use Meth I will take them to court to get custody of him [her grandson].”

My Mom thought my BIL’s mom was trustworthy.

Within an hour or so my Mom received a phone call from my sister. She yelled at my Mom and threatened to take her son and “vanish”. I don’t know the specifics but whatever my sister said really upset my Mom to the point that she was stumbling over the words on the phone. The call got dropped and so I waited until I saw her to get the rest of the information.

Turns out my Mom got a text from my BIL attacking her and calling her a “demon” and also threatened to disappear with their son. He specifically told her he knew people that could give them fake IDs and help them disappear.

My guess is that my BILs Mom left out the “If” part and just told them my Mom was going to take their son. Sigh. People can be so stupid. Why tell a sick – dying – woman that her son may be taken away?? The only point of doing that is to create drama and upset people.

I reassured my Mom that the threats were hollow. They can’t afford to disappear. All their contacts are in this area and with my sister being sick and recovering it is too risky. I advised her to call my sister and sort it out. My Mom calmed down and apparently did call, thus discovering the cancelled surgery.

Sadly, they have kept their son from my Mom before as a means of getting revenge for one thing or another. They know how much my Mom loves her grandson and so use it to their advantage. It is very sad.

Dream: You are Beautiful

As a result of all this continued stress I am not sleeping well again. This morning I had a dream that brought me to tears.

I was with a group of kids. One of them reminded me of my best friend from high school. We went out at night. I don’t know what our purpose was but it felt like we were sneaking around. 9pm was a time that kept being repeated. People were telling my friend, “Good luck at 9!” She asked me what it meant. I didn’t know.

We ended up in a cemetery. We got to a fence and I began to climb it when I heard sirens. I said to my friend, “The police are coming. We need to leave.” She said, “There’s no one here.” My foot was caught and I struggled to get it out as a police car approached. We hid but were soon discovered.

I remember a little boy was with us and somehow he ended up being targeted by one of the officers. He was molested. 😦

The dream gets hazy but I remember standing up to the officer and calling him out. I spoke to him for a while telling him he needed to do something before he hurt another child. I went over ideas of how he could prevent future incidents. I also helped the boy, guarding him from further molestation.

Then the boy morphed into a young girl. She went into the arms of a woman who felt like a caretaker. I went up to the girl and told her that if anyone ever touched her that way again to immediately scream and tell someone. The girl hugged her caretaker and the caretaker opened her arms to me. I hugged them both and said, “Remember, no matter what, you are beautiful.”

When I said this I began to sob and the caretaker hugged me tight. I felt deeply all the atrocities the girl and boy had gone through. It felt like I was feeling the pain of all similar experiences on Earth. It was heart-breaking. But most of all it was unfair.

My tears woke me up.

Considerations

When I woke I couldn’t help but think of how my BIL had recently told my husband of his own sexual abuse as a child. The abuse was by a male cousin who had taken advantage of him.

My sister also was also molested as a child.

I knew that child sexual abuse often results in the victim having a difficult adult life. For example, my Mom’s cousin, who I remember meeting when I was around 10 years old, had been molested by a male cousin. He ended up liking men and eventually contracting HIV and getting full-blown AIDS. I recall seeing him toward the end of his life and noting how the once attractive and vibrant man was just a shell of his former self. His entire life had been altered from his childhood trauma.

It was obvious to me that my sister and BIL/cousin’s lives had been altered in a similar fashion. Neither has fully confronted their abuse. My sister chooses to blame my Mom and use her past as a crutch and excuse for her behavior. I don’t know much about my cousin but likely he is doing the same.

I also realized that whether my sister chooses to live or die is HER choice. If she chooses to live it will be tough and she will have to choose recovery – which is terrifying to her – or avoidance. Choosing recovery also means choosing her son. I hope she has the strength and courage to take the high road….that is if she gets the option.

I feel like my dream was also about my own past lives, those in which I had been both the victim and the perpetrator. In the dream not only did I advise the molesting man but also both victims – male and female. I have recalled several past lives full of sexual abuse and know there are many others I have yet to recall. My advice to my dream child self was to always remember that I am beautiful. It reveals to me just how devastating such trauma can be to a person’s self-esteem/self-love. The perpetrator also suffers from similar feelings. No one is spared.

It seems to me like I am recognizing my sister and BIL’s plight as part of my own. I am relating to them via my own past experiences but also via the Collective. When one can do this, judgement falls away and love and compassion takes over.

Now I just wait to see what path my sister will choose. I stand in observance with love and compassion in my heart, supporting my family as they need me.

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Stressed Out

My sister is in the Heart Hospital in Austin now waiting to see if they will do the surgery she needs. Her husband checked her out of the other hospital because they were not helping her. He was going to drive her to Houston but she was feeling bad and so they cut their journey short. Her chest was hurting her and her fever was coming back.

When I last spoke to her she was feeling good and hopeful to finally get the care she needs. Her cardiologist took the time to hear her story and told her under no circumstances should she check herself out of the hospital again. She said he told her, “You need to get this fixed now.”

Too Much Stress

The stress of my life right now is beginning to manifest physically, emotionally and spiritually. The itchy eczema spots continue to drive me crazy and are not going away. I fear I may need to get a prescription to nip them in the bud.

Yesterday the stress of everything hit me hard. My energy was nearly gone. Regular daily tasks “hurt” to do and I began to lose my voice. It is rare that I lose my voice. It only happens when my stress levels reach a critical high. Not good!

Spiritually my dreams are getting really weird. Two nights about, about an hour or so after falling asleep, I had this odd OBE type experience where I perceived someone was trying to take over my body while I slept. This reminded me of another incident when a woman in spirit attempted to come into my body and take over while I was still in it. So I quickly rushed back into my sleeping body and woke suddenly, heart pounding with a pain in my stomach like IBS.

Earlier this week I had another incident where I woke up in a panic, too, heart pounding thinking I was going to die. I can’t recall the specifics of that incident anymore but I think it was similar to the above.

I had a dream last night where I saw a doe laying on the ground breathing and moving slightly. When I went to investigate the head was separated and being dragged away by someone/something. The head was also moving as if still alive. It was creepy. My feeling is that it represents how I have been feeling lately – disconnected from my feminine, nurturing side and from my family/domestic life.

In another dream I was unable to call my husband and spent most of the dream trying to contact him via other people’s phones. Phones are communication so I must be feeling out of communication with my husband, which does make sense.

My Nephew

As a favor to my Mom and sister, I took my nephew in over the weekend. The intent was for him to stay for a week or more to give my Mom a break, but that is not how it turned out.

The first day I had my nephew I realized there may be a glitch in my plan. As the day progressed, my nephew began to wear out my two boys with his constant movement. He rarely if ever stops moving. He reminds me of a ping pong ball with all the changes in direction he makes. His energy is erratic, like he has a near compulsion to move all the time. The feeling of it is hard to describe. I feel it in my core and it is not comfortable. I don’t think I have ever felt something like it except when very unbalanced and mentally pulled in many directions by life. My mind is chaotic so much so that I have to go for a long walk, take epsom salt baths and breathe deeply to get the feeling to settle but even that feeling doesn’t come close to what I feel from my nephew. 

My husband was working all day on engineering drawings for an addition to the office space at work so he didn’t really have time to notice the energy. However, when I told him my nephew had asked to go back my Mom’s because my sons were not playing with him non-stop he mentioned the energy in our house was feeling “off”. I nodded and said, “It’s him (my nephew). He just can’t stop moving and he is wearing us all out.” My husband confirmed he thought I was right and pulled my nephew in for a talk to him to see if he could get any info out of him. He asked him several times how he felt. His response was just, “Good.” The more questions my husband asked him, the more he began to twitch from standing still. His eyes would go to all different places, his hands would move, his mannerism was discomfort, his attention was elsewhere. 

My sense is that he is not fully in his body. 

I spoke to my Mom about my observations, told him my sister told me would would settle down after a while and asked, “Does he settle down?” My Mom said, “Not really.” We compared notes and when I said, “When he stops moving he either starts to fall asleep or he is eating.” My Mom laughed and said, “Yep!” I questioned how they handled him at school. She said they likely have him occupied with many things, using stations and scheduling all movements, directing him and focusing his hyperactivity. She told me her solution was to buy him the Minecraft game so that he would stop moving and give her a break. I relayed to her that computer games didn’t work when he was with me. He still jumped up and changed directions, moving from one play scenario to another, usually mid-play.

I have to admit I was relieved to drop off my nephew at my Mom’s house. When I got home I was finally able to rest. The strange energy was gone and my eldest son even mentioned how different it felt when we got home. This morning my voice has returned and I feel much more relaxed and calm.

I now know I cannot manage my sister’s child long-term. It would sap my energy and focus most if not all of my attention on him, placing my own children in second. He most definitely needs intensive counseling of some type and his school will likely recommend he see a child specialist to see if he has ADHD if he continues this behavior into first and second grade. My husband would not allow for a diagnosis of ADHD because he, like me, believes those labels are mostly meant to help those around the child more than the child. They don’t target the underlying cause. I tend to agree and though I want to help my nephew, I just don’t have the energy to help him and am not willing to sacrifice my relationship with my own children or my own health (mental, physical, etc). 

So hopefully I can just take him for a day or two here and there (weekends mainly) to give my Mom a break while my sister goes through her healing journey. Hopefully she does heal and things can move toward healing of everyone in her family. It not, and it ends up that someone has to take Landon long-term, I have to say no to being the one to do that. 

Right now my Mom is the one who will take my sister into her home while she recovers from her surgery (if she gets one) and it is likely Landon will be there, too. Maybe my Mom can somehow figure out how to help him. IDK. I just have to leave it to God I guess.

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Dream Message: Stimulation to Awareness

Things are starting to get a little more interesting. I am guessing the upcoming partial eclipse on the 21st, the summer solstice and some astrological placements are part of this. Or it could just be that I am ready for a change since I’ve been asking for assistance. Whatever the reason, the energy is vamping up.

In a recent review of the last six months of journal entries and blog posts, I saw very clearly that I made a decision to take a break, not only from spiritual experiences but from the Kundalini and the awareness it brings (among other things). The reason for this decision was fear-based. I am a firm believer that we alone are the cause of what we experience in this physical reality – good or bad. So I went looking for the “why?” for my “suffering” knowing I alone was the cause, no one else. Sure enough I saw plain as day my retreat and subsequent shutdown which in turn left me with nothing more than physical reality as my teacher. And oh the lessons have been hard….and annoying. lol

As soon as I realized what I had done I attempted to undo it. I have been asking my guidance to help me return to the path I abandoned out of fear. I have been asking for the Kundalini to return as my teacher. I have been asking for my heart to open; for acceptance, forgiveness and surrender.

Slowly but surely my requests are being answered.

Dream: Stimulation to Awareness

The dream begins inside an old farmhouse. There is a knock at the door and I am rushing about to get a package for the person at my door. I open the door and hand them the package and they inquire about another item – a t-shirt (relax). I know where it is and retrieve it, handing a white t-shirt to the young girl it is meant for. She takes it and the scene shifts.

I am inside a classroom in the uppermost floor of the farmhouse with a group of people who feel like teachers. I see a white board and a man is standing by it pointing to what looks like a math problem but is a game that reminds me of hangman. The math part looks like long division but the answer is written in letters. The others there are guessing those letters. The first letter is an M. I knew immediately that the other letter was T and that they were trying to determine the “state” and that state was Montana (spiritual journey).

Someone asks me to ensure that people who are coming to the party can find us because we are all on the third floor. I see how many doors have to be opened and how many turns they will need to make. Without someone to guide them they will need signs. My job is to post the signs so I head down and begin to put up signs on the walls. I recall that one floor, the lowest floor, was very cluttered and there was a young girl’s bike stored there. It was my daughter’s old bike (solo journey) and I mentioned that. I was told it was being kept for another girl who very much wanted it.

I returned to the third floor. It is soon apparent to me that it is a retirement (end of something is approaching) party. An older man is talking about his wife’s retirement but it also feels like a birthday. She is turning 51. He asks me about my mom and I tell him she is 65, but in reality she is 71.

Then I overhear a group of women talking about moving to Montana. One lady is excited to go, talking about her three month stay there and how she longed to live there. I interrupted and told her the winters were extreme and didn’t she know how difficult they were? I told them how I lived there for 3 years and suffered through the winter. They replied but instead of hearing words I saw a visual of a woman standing next to a four wheel drive pick-up. There was snow everywhere and she was wearing winter attire – an all black, heavy coat, gloves, boots and hat. The message I received was, “Yes, the winters are harsh but if you are prepared they will be tolerable and even pleasant.”

I remember saying I would never live in Montana again and the dream becomes hazy.

The last thing I remember is writing something on the white board. As I wrote it I read it aloud to myself. I read it over and over until I became lucid enough to recognize what I was reading. I read, “Stimulation to Awareness”.

As I woke I took notes of what it was I was saying and writing knowing it was a message. But what did it mean? This question led me to a conversation with my guide that became more and more lucid until I finally awoke.

A song came to mind, part of a verse repeating – “This could be the end of everything, so why don’t we go, somewhere only we know….”

The discussion I was having was about continuing where I had left off. I was asking how to move forward. How do I surrender? How do I get past the fear? I told my guides I was ready to try again. They told me to be patient, take my time and I would be shown the way. All I can do is trust that.

Dream: Zane

I am at an outdoor venue. There is a large, open-topped bar in front of me. An older man with deeply etched smile lines and a very thin, wiry body is standing behind the bar. We begin to talk and I think I recognize him from high school. I ask him if he attended my school. He replies that he did. I ask him if he knew the Brezindines. He said he did.

Suddenly, I see an older woman wearing clothing that is much too young for her age. She has two parallel scars (wounds from the past) above her breasts (related to feminine) and just below her collarbone. She is wearing lots of jewelry and her face is tired looking with too much makeup. I remember thinking she must have had a very hard life.

The woman is purchasing a bunch of toddler shoes. I go up to her and ask her if she is one of the Brezindines. She replied that she was. Then I ask if she has many grandchildren and motion to the shoes. She says she does. Her tone is pleasant and friendly. I hope she doesn’t perceive my judgement of her but she seems not to notice.

I am back at the bar talking with the older man. Our conversation is lost to me but the images that pass between us are not. He shows me that he is part of a band. I see him singing but he is younger. It is like a time reel in my mind. I watch him age. I watch him fall in love, have a child, struggle through a failed relationships, etc. It feels like he is part of a heavy metal band like AC/DC. I see the name of the band. It starts with an S and is familiar.

The most memorable part of the dream is the man and how he looks. His face shifts as if the real him is shining through – as if I am seeing how he sees himself as well as how others see him.

What we say seems to be about how life can take you places you never intended but that it always takes you where you are meant to be.

I ask him about his son who is still quite young. Is he still married? He replies he is not.

For some reason my lucidity begins to peak very quickly and I am very acutely aware of the man, his energy, my energy, the setting and everything around me. There is a warm, pleasant energy building in my chakras starting with the root and moving slowly upward. It is very subtle but growing in intensity, swirling and building pressure especially around my solar plexus. The more aware I become, the more the energy intensifies.

For some reason I feel the man is creating this effect. I receive a message from him that suggests this but I can’t recall what it is. A part of me withdraws and I wake up. The energy persists, prominent in my head and mid-section.

I wonder who the man is. I hear back, “Zane.” He requests that I allow myself to return to the in-between. I do but shift in and out, unable to remain there for very long. A conversation with Zane is on-going but most of it is lost to me now.

Though our discussion is lost to memory I realize my reaction to Zane’s energy in the dream is a result of the fear that has pushed away similar experiences for the last six months or so. It is clear to me that I have work to do. I have to stop waking myself up the minute the K-energy arises.

The last thing I hear Zane say to me is, “I can’t do it for you. You have to do the work.”

Considerations

The phrase, “Stimulation to awareness” has stayed with me. It feels like it is referring to the Kundalini energy and how the stimulation of it leads to more awareness.

The reference to Montana is also not lost on me. I have dreams about Montana quite a bit. Montana is always about my spiritual journey. I say I will never return because of the harsh winters there but am shown I can prepare for such times. It feels like I am being advised to reconsider my decision.

The hangman type game being played feels like a message also. Perhaps it can be better understood by looking at the tarot card meaning of the Hanged Man? If so, then it suggests that I am indecisive and need to surrender.

The hanged man tarot card meaning

The second dream feels more like a guide encounter with Zane and a test to see how I will handle the Kundalini energy. My response to the energy is to wake myself up. The older woman represents some aspect of myself. I am critical of her.

The message that I have to do the work makes sense. Perhaps I am hoping someone will come in and save me? Or this could just be a reminder that I am avoiding something.

Source of Hanged Man image

 

 

 

 

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Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

A third night of wonderfully deep and rejuvenating sleep! I believe it is due to the full moon and after this morning’s experience I have no doubt.

First, though, I want to share a dream from the night before last because I think it provides a glimpse of what was to come – and then happened this morning.

Dream: Leaf Monster

What most stands out from this dream is a scene at a swimming pool. A young black girl, one of my “students” in the dream, takes me to her pool. She shows me a small step fountain of about four block steps leading to a tiny hot tub. She then goes down the steps of the fountain on a tube. She explains how a friend did it and wiped out but she did it without issue.

As I walked around and surveyed the scene I saw that the pool area was pretty neglected. Fallen leaves had gathered around the pool and in it, piling up and covering the surface of the areas surrounding the pool. The leaves were mostly thick and brown with some of various Fall colors. I told my student the leaves tend to pile up where I lived, too, especially the oak leaves. I described the process of raking and bagging leaves every year and my disdain for it. We have to do it twice a year in Texas because the Live Oaks lose their leaves in March while the other trees lose their leaves in the Fall.

The girl showed me how they cleared the leaves. She took me aboard a ship-like contraption that had a large hole in the bottom that acted to lure in a creature – or monster – that lived in the water. The monster ate leaves apparently and when I saw it it looked like an eel or snake. It was enormous and could easily eat a person but I was not afraid of it as I floated over the clear, blue pool watching this creature swim around eating leaves.

Then I recall talking to my student about my grandmother. I tell her how my grandmother is ill and doesn’t have much time left because her liver and heart are failing her. I say she is around 96 years old. Then my grandmother is there and I am talking to her. This grandmother is no one I recognize yet I assume she is my Nanny who died in 2014 when my son was newborn (making her around 96 this year if she had lived). We talk about her late husband and I tell her I miss Granddaddy, too.

Interpretation

Pools are often in my dreams indicating a need for refreshment, healing and rejuvenation. The clear, blue water is clear emotion and calm. Leaves are often indicators of sadness, hard times, regret and other negative emotion. These are piled up high and I am trying to get rid of them. The neglect of the pool indicates a neglect of myself in some way – likely emotionally. I have left the debris to settle and pile up and need to clean it up. I reflect on how difficult this task is and how frequent by reflecting on the leaf duties I have to complete twice a year. I believe the monster that is snake-like is the Kundalini. I am not afraid of it  and it “eats” the leaves, clearing the “debris” easily and hungrily.

I am not so sure about the grandmother symbol here. Since grandparents usually symbolize wisdom and learning from ones mistakes in order to make better informed decisions, it could be that this part of me is somehow dying or ill and has not long to live. Perhaps I am not learning from my mistakes? Or there is a desire in me to kill off a part of me that is ill, specifically in the “heart” and “liver”. There was a third area, maybe the kidneys, but I can’t recall it now. This older version of me, which means a past version, is clinging to her love of a husband who has long been dead. The latter of the two feels more likely. Who wants to kill off the part of them that is wise and learns from their mistakes? I certainly don’t! But the death of a part of me who is clinging to the past feels much more freeing.

Kundalini Dream: Abandoned Kittens

This morning I woke around 6am and struggled to return to sleep because I had slept so well. The phrase from the song Disarm was going over and over in my head and really beginning to annoy me – The killer in me is the killer in you.

I read the meaning of the song lyrics yesterday and know the song is about how the songwriter had wanted to kill his abusive parents as a child but instead opted to write a song. He explained that he recognized the only way to end the cycle of abuse was to approach it with love, thus him sending love and a smile instead of violence and anger. So, I know now that the meaning of the message was similar – end the cycle with love. Yet the song was not going away. What was I missing?

Somehow I fell asleep. I entered a dream house. It was light and airy feeling inside. I had found a litter of kittens (feminine sexual energy), about nine, that had been abandoned. Someone was with me and we were talking about the kittens. I remember looking at them and commenting on how they had no tail (sexual pleasure) – they looked like little bobcats.

After observing the kittens for a while, I discovered they were only being fed once a day at 7pm. I told the person this was unacceptable because kittens need to eat frequently.

I went into the space where the kittens were being kept and got a flat dish out. I held it up and the kittens knew it was time to eat. They came out of their hiding places meowing. I called to those that were still hiding and saw them coming out of the garage (delay, lack of movement). I remember saying aloud, “They shouldn’t leave the door open like that.” One kitten jumped up near me and tried to climb into the dish.

I found the kitten food stashed in a corner. It had been left with the kittens when they were abandoned. As I poured the food, large sprouting plants (new life, new potential) with clumps of roots came out with the food. It was like the food had “sprouted” like a seed rather than going bad from disuse. I was fascinated by this and plucked the small, tree-like plants out so the kittens could get to the food.

I sat down with all the kittens petting and cuddling with them. One lay on me purring as I stroked it. The whole of the experience was relaxing and pleasant.

For some reason I thought to let a kitten suckled on my breast (weird!). I lay on my side and held the kitten close as if it were a baby human. The sensation of it it suckling reminded me of when my own children breastfed.

This is when the dream shifts and I become quite lucid. Whoever I had been talking to in the dream is much more present in my awareness. I don’t recall what he says but my root chakra suddenly explodes with energy and the energy quickly intensifies, shooting energy upward in spurts that cause me to squirm. I feel as if I wake up but I don’t think I do because the conversation continues as the energy subsides.

Then I have a short lucid dream of being in a store. A man is standing behind the counter. He hands me an ancient, leather bound book and shows me a page. On it is written a song. I don’t recall the words but I saw them, nor do I remember a melody but I sang it. He cautions me, telling me, “It is a spell.” I somehow knew the spell was linked to the root chakra activity I was having.

I recognized this man was giving me a choice – sing the song and reignite the Kundalini bliss but also release layers of suppressed emotion  – or not sing the song and keep things as they have been. As I stared at the song and the man my root was swirling creating a pressure that I could feel throughout my Being. It was as if it was calling to me asking me to “release” and “surrender” to it. All I wanted in that moment was to do just that.

Much happened here as if in a millisecond. The man explained to me that if I agreed to “sing the song” that the feeling I was experiencing in the root chakra would return. He said, “You will not be in control” and asked me if I could accept that. My response was, “I’m not in control anyway.” I also remember the time period of “six days” being mentioned as if this experience I cannot control would last that long.

The entire time this discussion is occurring the K energy is rushing upward over and over, each time stopping at the point where I feel it will most definitely kill me. With each ebb and flow I feel this power. It is hard to describe. I feel powerful but also without power.

The last thing I recall is asking the man why it has been so long. His response was that I had requested it (it being the K energy experiences to stop). I do recall doing this some time ago.

Conclusion

Taking the two above dreams into account, along with the others prior to these dreams, it seems I have been invited to continue my work. This work is spiritual and involves the Kundalini. The K energy needs to be allowed to do its job – clearing out the debris and blocks that remain.

During the past few days I have been having emotion and memories from 2015-2016 surface in spurts. It is easy to push it down and pretend it isn’t there, but the feelings don’t go away. I had asked last night prior to bed for help in coming to terms with these feelings/emotions/experiences. I recognized that what I have been doing isn’t working. Pretending the feelings are not there doesn’t make them go away; it doesn’t heal them. In fact, I’m not even sure “healing” them is the correct course of action. These feelings seem to be part of me; like a spark that needs to be allowed to ignite and grow larger and larger. I believe that in asking for help, asking to be shown what to do to finally come to terms with what happened and is still happening, opened a door that I had closed. I closed it because I felt the process to would surely kill me and I am afraid of the unknown.

I received a message not long ago, maybe two weeks ago now. I was told, “You will be seen.” It has stayed with me regardless of my trying to ignore it. As memories of 2015-2016 were coming up along with the emotion and connection of it, my guidance stated, “He sees you.” And I understood then what the message meant. To be “seen” by another, truly seen, is what I experienced and what I miss so much.

by

Theme: Cockleburs

I continue to have difficulty falling asleep and getting a good sleep overall. This has been on-going since before Covid-19 hit mid-March. Some days I will get sleep that is good and solid, but mostly not.

Last night I felt a distinct shift in the energy. When for weeks I have had little to no communication from my guidance, last night I did. It came in the form of energy hugs and messages without words and I knew I would get a good sleep.

Dreams

I had many dreams and woke once in tears.

The first dream I recall was set outside on a rocky slope. I was with my daughter and we were walking along a dirt path to a bus stop (temporary setback in life). I was wearing sandals (life path) and felt like I use to as a child – hopeful and looking forward. Recognizing I may need better shoes, I went back to get my tennis shoes and then carried them a bit before placing them on the side of the path. As we walked we talked and I was in high spirits. As the time for the bus to arrive grew near I remembered I needed my tennis shoes and realized I would not be able to get them in time. So, we walked a ways to the bus stop, down the hill and a bit further, past where the bus normally stopped. When we got to a certain point it was like we triggered a switch and a small hill covered in shrubs to our right burst into flame (passion, intensity). There was a distinct pause here as I recognized the “switch” being triggered (perhaps a fire will be triggered). Each plant became a burning bush. One began to char. I was unconcerned and let them burn.

In another dream I was in a stadium full of people looking for a place to sit. I soon realized no one had on shoes and for some reason I was very put off by the bare feet (others’ path, following another path) all around me. I shifted and tried to avoid contact with people and even asked some to move over. Someone asked me why I was so bothered by bare feet. I mentioned they were gross, smelly and just dirty. As I talked about my upset I began to cry and burst into tears over the prospect of so many bare feet.

Then I was in another time period and place. It was like a scene from a wild west movie. I was with a young boy (masculine aspect) who desperately needed new clothes (ones outward appearance). At this time there was something about arranging four cocklebur plants (annoyances) in an area and planting them. This caused me to become emotional but did not wake me. Eventually I helped the young man, taking him to a shop to get fitted for new clothing which consisted of knickers, a shirt and a leather satchel. I remember thinking it was quite expensive and hoping he did not want me to buy him a whole wardrobe.

The scene shifted and I was in a strange house sitting on the floor beneath a dresser or cabinet. It felt like something was crawling on me so I looked up and saw the biggest millipede (unwilling to confront something) I had ever seen. I withdrew in fear until I realized it was dead and mummified. I then noticed the front door to my house was open and went in to investigate. I yelled to the intruder to get out but then realized the house was being cleaned (healing). I was asked to help pull a sock (major life disappointments) out of a vacuum and the lady took it to clean.

Messages

When I woke a song was in my head:

The song quickly turned into another song and with it came a memory of the movie it went with – Into the Wild. I thought of the story line and what happened in the end, how the poor man must have felt as he lay dying all alone. I didn’t know why memory of this movie came to me but now see it fits in with a bigger message.

Then I saw this memory on my FB feed. Something I posted in 2013:

First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough
so I could get back to my career.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I am dying…
and suddenly realize that I forgot to live.”
– Author unknown

See the message now?

Cockleburs

It may seem odd, but cockleburs have been a message for a while now. I had a dream a while ago, maybe a week or more now – you can read the post here. Almost daily since posting that dream I have seen memes and other references to cockleburs online. If you don’t know what a cocklebur is, it is a very annoying, large sticker that gets easily embedded in things. They are almost impossible to get out.

In one of the above dreams, seeing the cocklebur plants causes me to burst into tears. The feeling I had when I woke from this dream was of hopelessness and overwhelm. The message this symbol brings is that I am dealing with issues that are annoying and they are not easily resolved. Nothing I do seems to make them go away so I tend to just live with the issues/annoyances. The fact that this symbol continues to reappear indicates just how upset I am by these issues in my life.

In this time frame I have been having quite a bit of stress related to life foundations and my stability. This has mostly passed but the physical side-effects have been eczema, which I tend to get when I have high stress. Similarly, loss of sleep tends to accompany stressful periods in my life.

I will leave you with a flash of a vision I had of myself just now: I saw myself walking on a path wearing tan colored clothing that was full of cockleburs. Ha!