Tag Archives: dream interpretation

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January 8 Dream & Decision

The month of August is usually an uneventful month in terms of spiritual experiences. Based upon my dreams last night, August 2018 looks like it will be no different.

Early in the night I had several false awakenings. Each time I would wake up in my room to find everything was in the wrong place or there were barriers to my movement. I often felt confused and disoriented and this would eventually wake me up for real. The false awakenings felt entirely real and when I woke up in my body I would be so tired I would pass out again right into another false awakening. The main confusion about the false awakenings was my inability to determine direction. It was as if my internal compass needed recalibration.

Dream: Out of Place

I found myself sitting in a classroom (life lessons). Every other student in the classroom was male and significantly younger than me. They were whispering and staring at me, giving me looks that suggested they felt threatened by my being there. I ignored them and focused on listening to music and passing the time. I recall seeing a screen in front of me that had images that went along with music (indicates a message is coming about my life). Some of the music was upbeat and unfamiliar. I remember another student looking at me and I made a comment about the music. He ignored me and turned away.

At one point a song came on that I knew well. I sang along, singing every word and thoroughly enjoying myself. It was a song I use to sing years ago. My ex-husband said it was “our song”, though I never identified with it as such. This is the song:

The singing of this song is one of the most vivid parts of the dream, especially the line, “Our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I’d of had to miss the dance.”

The symbolism here suggests a message was coming through. In the dream I recognized the message to be that it is better to not know what is to come; to let life surprise me. Otherwise I may miss out on some of the best moments. I felt grateful for “the dance” I got to dance even if it was short and brought me pain.

After the song the teacher dismissed the class. When I looked up everyone had left and I was sitting all alone in the room. The teacher was looking at me and I said to her, “I guess they were in a hurry.” The whole time there was a sense that no one liked me or wanted me there, almost as if I were an intruder. There was an inner voice/Knowing that kept saying, “It doesn’t matter, focus on what feels right.” The Knowing kept me from caring what the others felt and thought of me. It existed beside the part of me that did care what others thought but was strong enough to override the concerns.

This part of the dream is indicating that I have learned to listen to my heart/HS and ignore the self-doubt and need for acceptance that stems from my Ego.

I felt a bit drugged (not wanting to confront something) and out of it as I walked down the hallway to my next class. Only I had no idea what my next class was. I went into a Science class and looked out over the desks and seated students. Everyone looked up at me and then went back to their business. I didn’t recognize the room. The desk layout seemed wrong and I couldn’t find my desk. Not know what to do, I stood at the back for a while holding my things. Some students looked at me and whispered. Some gave me irritated looks. I again felt to be out of place but I couldn’t remember where I was suppose to be.

I went to the front of the room and opened a door behind the teacher’s desk. There was a wall behind it. I felt silly and embarrassed for opening a false door (relates to a false path in waking life). The students’ eyes felt to be piecing my back. I went to another door and looked out of it at another class down the hall. Was I suppose to be in math class? I didn’t know (unsure of my path).

I turned around, took a vacant seat and opened my computer. Everyone in class had their computers open and we were all playing the same video (following the crowd/blending in). My computer (lack of individuality) was not functioning correctly and I eventually closed it. I remember the teacher commenting on my glasses. I looked at them and there was a huge crack (impaired vision) in the left (subconscious/ repressed emotions and thoughts) lens. I took it off and made an excuse, saying I knew about the crack. I mentioned that I could just wear my contacts and then said it would be better to wear my old glasses because the prescription in my right eye (conscious reality) had changed. I put on the cracked glasses and said that they were okay for the time being because the crack was below my line of sight (choosing to ignore subconscious).

The scene shifted and I was in a park outside the school with two others. One was setting up their laptop with a huge antenna (communication with surroundings). They were whispering about being within a mile of school to remain undetected. There was someone tracking them/us.

When the computer was connecting both students vanished, leaving me there alone. I remember taking control of the computer with my mind and disconnecting it from the wireless network. I knew I had to do it quickly before the signal was detected.

Image result for image of dumpster

When I finished the students suddenly reappeared. I handed the laptop to the owner and said, “We need to get out of here, fast. They will be here any minute.” I took off in a different direction then the two students.

I ran behind a dumpster (trying to rid self of negative habits) and saw a suspicious car pull up in the street. A man holding an machine gun (need to keep my temper in check) climbed out. Then a woman climbed out behind him. I jumped into the dumpster, hiding under the lid and some large cardboard.

Suddenly there were people around the dumpster, so close I could see the details of their faces. No one saw me, though, and eventually they left. At one point I heard noise again and some little kids were pointing at me. Knowing I was safe I climbed out and went with the kids into the school.

Inside we were regrouping and a line of kids and parents came to the door for food. A man requested graham crackers (caring for others before self) for his little boy. There were none and as he turned away I pulled one out of my bag and gave it to him. He was grateful.

I went into a classroom (life lessons), only this time I felt to belong. There was a tall guy sitting at a cluster of computers. Behind him were temporary, black walls to block the view to his screens. I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. I said to him, “Thank you for helping me.” We held hands for a long time. I remember feeling his hand as if we were in the physical. I looked at him and did not recognize him. He was very tall and thin, sort of nerdy with glasses and a prominent nose. I felt relieved sitting there with him; safe.

Considerations and Decisions

When I woke up the first thing I remembered was the song I sang and it’s message. I was reminded that without risk of pain one forgoes the potential for the positive experiences. Like the song says, life is better left to chance. We can avoid the pain but then we would miss all the joy and experience of the “dance”.

I felt that it was time to stop documenting my dreams for 2018 in an attempt to discover what the year may hold. Trying to look ahead is probably not good for me. Already I am feeling like 2018 is not going to be a good year. It may even be a painful year. This creates a resistance to what lies ahead and could keep me from enjoying the many possibilities to “dance”.

My thoughts went to the song and how my ex always said it was “our song”. I never felt this to be true yet in the end, for him anyway, the song was fitting. I said goodbye and broke his heart. Had he known what the future held for us, would he have even gotten involved with me? Probably not, but who knows. I knew and I still did. So in my case, even knowing my own future doesn’t seem to keep me from following a particular path.

I couldn’t help but think of the intense heart connection I experienced and how it changed me. I again questioned it, asking, “WHY!???”, because it still confuses the heck out of me. How can something feel so absolutely right yet end up hurting so much? The song rings true for that experience. Had I known the final outcome I would have avoided taking that path. But then I would never have had the amazing experiences that went with it. I should feel grateful for the experience regardless, to have been touched by something so rare is a blessing. But I still struggle to see it that way. I still struggle. Still. Ugh.

As I lingered in bed I heard from my guides, “You will love again.” I said, “I don’t want to.” They responded with, “Yes you do.” I couldn’t argue. They are right. I do long to love like that again but it scares the crap out of me because to love that much means to open myself up to more debilitating pain. But then that is the point of living in this physical reality where duality rules. That is why it is so exhilarating.

So, no more documenting of dreams for the purpose of seeing into 2018. I am sure it will be an interesting year of up’s and down’s, just like every other year. And who knows, maybe I will be pleasantly surprised or even be blown away? Yes, please.

 

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January 7 Dreams & Message

I watched the movie 10,000 BC last night. Interestingly, there was a scene in it that reminded me very much of one of my dreams yesterday – the dream where I was walking in very tall grass and saw a vision of gnats on a “bird-like jawline”.

Here is a clip of the scene:

The grass in my dream was exactly the same. The bird I saw was not a giant, man-eating bird, only the underside where the beak meets the neck, but seeing this scene made me wonder. I had begun the film the night of the dream but paused it. Maybe I was somehow anticipating the rest of the movie? Very strange! No doubt I wouldn’t linger in that tall grass if I knew huge, man-eating birds were waiting when I did! lol

Not a bad movie, BTW. I would give it 3.5 stars. It kept my interest but was a bit unrealistic. Not sure Egypt was building the Sphinx in 10,000 BC but who knows. I thought it cool, though, that the movie suggested the Pharaohs came from the stars. I also enjoyed the scenes with the prehistoric animals (like the one above).

Dream: Post-Apocalypse

This was a very detailed dream about life post-apocalypse. Some kind of virus had wiped out most of the human population. There was anarchy and bands of people were gathering together to try and survive. It reminded me a lot of the Walking Dead in the way that the people were fighting for control over the remaining resources.  And no, I haven’t been watching the Walking Dead lately. lol

There was a part of the dream that is blurry now where the man in charge, very much like Neegan in TWD, was being very cruel and sadistic. It was very sexual at times. He was insisting that someone have sex with an overly small, hollow, white tube. I recall seeing him put his penis into the tube, sheering off the skin (sorry guys).

This man later asked me about repairing a water treatment facility. Could it be done? Then he asked how to get the water to the group. I suggested we move our group to the facility rather than transport the water. He agreed and we moved the group.

When we arrived, the facility was an abandoned water park. The dead bodies had long decayed away and though the water had been turned off it was functional except for a few stagnant wave pools. I remember many in our group, including me, jumped into a large swimming pool that had only a bit of debris on the bottom.

There was more to the dream – conversations and whole scenes I can’t recall now.

Image result for image of strip pole

Dream: Giving Away My Power

This dream began in a very fancy hotel-like building. The place was crowded from some event taking place. They were all wearing high-end clothing, jewelry, etc. I felt very out of place and kept to myself, standing near the edge of the crowd watching them and thinking them all foolish for their materialism.

I saw a woman I recognized. She was someone I knew in high school. I went up to her and said, “Hi! I can’t believe I am seeing you here.” She was very cordial with me and made some excuse to leave before I got any answers. She was wearing more money on her than the worth of my entire wardrobe of clothes! I could tell she was concerned about appearances and money. She hadn’t changed a bit.

Most of the this part of the dream was of me wandering this huge, glamorous hotel looking for the elevator to get to the lobby and leave. My husband had taken me there for the day and kept vanishing, leaving me to fend off rich, snobbish people who would not stop talking about boring topics. I couldn’t find an exit and was trapped for hours and hours. When I would escape one group of people I would end up cornered by another. It was awful.

At one point I was talking to a couple about my real-life situation because I was tired of avoiding everyone. This is when a woman approached me and told me my husband had agreed to donate $40K. She said he had left his credit card and demanded mine. I stalled as long as I could and finally gave up and handed her my credit card. Only the card had my husband’s name written across it in big, black letters. I knew when I handed it to her that none of the money was mine anyway. It was all his.

Every once in a while my husband would appear only to vanish again but we never seemed to leave. I was so fed up that I decided I would find a way out, leave the hotel, call a cab and get the hell out of there as fast as I could. I had no clue where I would go or how I would pay for anything. I figured I could just use my husband’s money since he seemed to not care how it was spent. LOL

I made it to the lobby only to be cornered by two people. They wouldn’t let me leave and kept trying to keep me there with persuasion saying things like, “Don’t you have a class to take?”

Eventually the dream shifted to my mom’s mailbox. My husband had received mail from the above group. It was in black, sealed envelopes scattered across the road. Some of the mail had been damaged by passing cars. My husband was retrieving the mail and I remember getting on a school bus and leaving the scene. It was odd because the scene didn’t fit but was very vivid.

Then my husband and I were visiting my cousin at her apartment. In real life my cousin is very well off, or well her husband is. He is second in charge of a big company and makes over $350,000/year. My cousin left her job to stay home with her kids and enjoys a very luxurious lifestyle. For example, they have a room in their million dollar house that is called the “Theater” and that is exactly what it is. They also have a room just for wrapping presents.

My cousin’s apartment was in Dallas in the dream and we were there to have dinner. I remember feeling uncomfortable but my husband was his usual, social self, saying all the right things and getting along well with my cousin. Mainly I remember she had high-tech everything and the focus was on material things. I, of course, wanted to get the hell out and kept finding excuses to leave the conversations. One time I even vacuumed a section of her carpet just because I didn’t know what else to do to pass the time.

Eventually I left on a mission. I went downtown to find a strip club. My idea was to see if I could make a couple grand in a night. Never having stripped in my life I felt it would be easy, especially because I had kept my body in good shape. My husband and cousin had come with me and dropped me at a high-end gentleman’s club. My husband did not object and told me he would pick me up later.

I met with a stripper who was dressed modestly. She and I sat at a table and discussed what would happen that night. The place was fairly empty and sophisticated but there was a very obvious stage in the center. I have only been inside a strip club once, but it was a nasty one in Alaska (long story), so I did not know what to expect. Would I just get up on stage and take my clothes off and then men would throw money at me? Could I even do that?

We were soon joined by the club owner. He was a bit sleazy and looked at me with dollar signs in his eyes. He also seemed overly interested in me, especially in what was under my clothing.

The woman explained to me that I would not get money but tickets and that only one of us would get tickets because it was a competition. Whoever won got all the tickets. I said that was unacceptable. I wanted money, not stupid tickets.

The woman laughed at me and I got up to leave. She was not a very attractive woman. She had a buzz cut and was overly thin and lanky – the opposite of what one would think a stripper would look like.

The owner shoved something in my hands saying, “Wait. Stay.” I looked down and he had given me what looked like some kind of fancy pastries that resembled a bunch of flowers. In among the pastry was a bunch of sage (which I assumed was pot but it was obviously sage) and a syringe. I immediately assumed he was bribing me with drugs but it was tempting. I hesitated, thinking of my options.

The woman began to talk to me very matter-of-factly. She said, “You came here because you want sex, right?” She eyed me, like she was looking into my soul. I squirmed a bit under her scrutinizing gaze and became very aware that my hand was in my crotch (lol). I quickly moved my hand and said, “No. I just need the money.” She said, “That’s what they all say.” Then she said, “So you need money, then what? I can tell you have little ones….(she held her hand down low to indicate how little). How long are you going to do this? Until your youngest is older? How old is old enough?” I said, “Just until he is old enough to handle me leaving. Maybe when he is ….. 10 years old? That should be old enough.” But I knew he would never be old enough.

She smiled. The creepy owner smiled. I felt cheap, like a prostitute. I remember thinking it would be easier to just prostitute myself, then I wouldn’t have to go onstage and let so many people look at me naked. But then I realized it was the exact same thing whether I was on stage or not.

There was a couple staring at me from across the room. They stared at me with a mixture of lust and mockery. I felt humiliated.

Image result for image of taxi

Message Received

I woke from this dream gradually, still in conversation with the man and woman in my dream. The cheap, dirty feeling came with me. I remember having all kinds of thoughts during this time. Thoughts relating to how I am selling myself, my power, through the choices I am making in my life. I thought, “I am no different than a prostitute. I give my body and power away in exchange for feeling secure. I rationalize it by saying I want to be with my kids, I don’t want to work, etc. But the reality is that I am afraid and giving up my power allows me to hide. I make attempts to take back my power but they are pathetic. I am owned. I am not my own person anymore.”

It wasn’t those exact words but my thoughts were similar. There was a conversation with my husband recently that kept coming to mind. In it I confronted him on his past explosive and aggressive response to not having access to my body (I’ve been abstinent for 6+ months). He said he felt unloved, etc – the usual stuff. I again said that I felt he (like all men in this society) had a consideration that I was his “property” so when he was not allowed access (sex) then he felt he might lose it/me completely. He finally agreed that there was a consideration like that.

I was not disgusted by his admission. I have always known this. Every man I have ever been with has had this belief whether they are conscious of it or not (most have not been). I am no better in my own beliefs. There is a consideration that I need a man to protect me and provide for me. That without a man to protect me I am vulnerable. The minute I think of being single this consideration says, “But you will be an instant target! Men could easily take what they want from you and you would be too physically weak to do anything about it!”

It is all screwed up. Royally.

Ultimately my guidance was asking me if it was worth it. They asked me what I wanted. When I answered they said, “Take it then.” My response was confusion/fear/panic and, “I don’t know what to do.” lol Because I am looking for a paved path. I am looking for sure things, not the unknown. Right now I have what I need and I rationalize what I do to get it every.single.day.

I shouldn’t be in a relationship if I have these considerations. No one should. Yet that is what most of us do. We jump from one relationship to another and these beliefs/considerations trap us each and every time. For women it is, “I give you access to my body whenever you want and you give me security/protection.” For men it is, “I give you security/protection and you give me access to your body.” In both cases we become possessive of the other. Possessiveness is fear of loss. Period. It is an endless, repetitive cycle that has existed for thousands of years (10,000 BC maybe? lol). Sex shouldn’t be a commodity, yet it is. Women have it, men want it (don’t deny it women….and men).

I’ll admit this dream troubled me. There was a lot of gentle confrontation by my guides. I recognize I have put myself in this situation but it is easier to do nothing, so I do nothing. I know that opportunity is coming. In fact I said to my guides, “Opportunity is coming. I need to take it.” I have no idea what this means but I felt it in my entire Being. I wonder what it is?

 

 

 

 

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January 6 Dreams

Halfway through 12 days of dream journaling. Not feeling especially convinced that my dreams are a reflection of the coming 12 months. But then who knows? If they are, thus far May seems to be a humdinger and June not much better.

I’ve been sleeping really well at least. Deep, restful sleep that makes me want to linger in bed, warm and cozy, dozing on and off for as long as possible. This morning I wished I could sleep forever.

Dream: Tall Grass

Much of this dream is hazy but I recall enough of it to recount it. I remember driving through an unfamiliar city and going into a restaurant. My children were on my mind and so I ordered takeout for them on my way out because I knew when I got home they would be hungry. I ordered three hot dogs (masculinity and sexual energy) and remember they were just tossed together in a bag so that the wieners and buns were separated (disconnect with masculine side or sexuality).

Then I was in the car (life path). My husband was driving (husband in control) and we to go pick up my daughter. I protested saying we needed to pick up our other child and it made more sense to go get him now since we were closer. He argued a bit and then ignored me so I gave up trying to convince him otherwise, accepting that we would be late. The road ahead was dark and seemed long and unfamiliar (venturing into unknown, fear, apprehension).

The dream shifted again and I was walking with a group of people. I think my mom and step-father were with me. We walked past an old man who was obviously a bit senile (waste of ability) because he was jabbering to himself. Concerned that he may be lost I retrieved him and brought him with us as we walked. My mom questioned me about this and I said it was the right thing to do. She didn’t object.

We walked for a while, me alongside the old man. He appeared to be getting better. He was acknowledging my kindness, thanking me and talking about bible study. I remember my mom and step-father interrupting because of a specific course they were signed up for. The old man said the $50 course was worthless because the men who taught it no longer went to their church. It was $50 down the drain. My mom mentioned that they might as well tear up their course packets.

By this time we had made it to a vast field of very green, neck high grass (protection). It was grass unlike any I had ever seen. I waded through it, unable to see ahead of me because the grass was too tall, and worried of what I might be stepping on/in because I couldn’t see the ground either. The old man was ahead of me and I heard him caution me about stopping. He said if anyone stopped for too long then their face and jawline would be covered in biting gnats (nagging or annoying issues) that caused severe pain. I remember seeing a visual in my mind of a bird-like jawline being attacked by tiny gnats. It didn’t look painful but I didn’t want to find out so I kept moving but never made it out of the grass because I woke up.

Image result for image of music notes

Dream: Singing Our Song

This dream began in the living area of my grandparent’s underground house. I was standing in front of a man I recognized but memory of his face is hazy now. We were having a heart-to-heart, catching up and expressing our feelings about our shared situation. My memory of our interaction is hazy. I mainly recall him by his energy.

The part of our conversation that is clear to me is him saying to me, “I’m sorry, but I can’t wait for you anymore.” I could feel his emotion and knew he was genuine in his apology. The feeling from him was that it was unfair for him to wait around, stalling his life and happiness, until I could figure things out. Not realizing he was doing this I immediately felt awful for holding him back. That was never my intention.

He continued to apologize, specifically for causing me pain. I can’t recall his exact words but it was something like, “If I had known I was hurting you I would have let you be.” The feeling from him was that he had been wracked with guilt over our situation. I understood all to well – “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Or as my guides pointed out to me at one point, “Quite a conundrum you have.” Yeah and that’s an understatement.

I could feel the emotion behind his words. I could not deny the pain I experienced but I did not blame him. I saw the pain as a part of the process; unavoidable considering the circumstances and necessary to the process.

I went up to him, caressed his cheek and said, “It was worth it. And I would do it over and over again.” With my words I communicated much more. My memory here is of how it felt in that moment. I wanted him to know that the love I had/have for him was well worth every.single painful moment. I also let him know that it was okay for him to move on. He didn’t have to wait for me. I didn’t want him to wait for me. I wanted him to be happy.

It felt like goodbye but I knew it wasn’t. It was merely that we had different “courses” (“we have different courses” is what I remember saying in the dream at one point).

There was so much more going on behind the dream it is mind boggling! I saw a chart of some kind, similar to a timeline, like a life path or (haha) “course”. There were rectangular boxes indicating moments along this line of varying widths and heights. There were two boxes that were double, maybe triple, the size of the other boxes. These represented our time together. Beyond the two boxes the sizes again shrunk, indicating a divergence.

What is interesting is the way I experienced the emotion of our communication. Though we were talking in words we were also singing the most beautiful duet I have ever heard. I heard a melody and words but they are lost to my memory now. However, what I do remember about the song we sang was that it made the entire space we occupied vibrate. Not only could I feel it but I could also hear it. It was in the background throughout our conversation and sounded like a million cicadas only louder and much faster. I have heard the sound before in dreams and OBEs and it is always awe inspiring. There is a color with it, too: Gold.

The feeling that remains even now is just how much I enjoyed singing our song, especially singing it with him. There is nothing more beautiful to me.

As he was leaving I felt a twinge of sadness. I saw a glimpse of a woman sitting in a pick-up and thought he must have found someone. I was grateful he would no longer be alone but I envied the woman.

Alone, I kept singing our song. In fact, I sang it for the rest of the dream. It reminds me of a pair of songbirds. Together they sing their song. It is unique to only them. When separated they sing it alone so that the other can always hear and find their way back. That is what it felt like I was doing in the dream.

I walked to the kitchen area of my grandparent’s house and was greeted by my grandmother (feminine aspect). She was very gentle with me as she guided me into a bedroom (private self), the bedroom my grandfather (masculine aspect) occupied in life. The bed was unmade (secrets exposed), as if someone had been sleeping in it. She instructed me to rest, though I never heard words. It felt like she was taking care of me, just like she did in life. I remember seeing others in the kitchen sitting at the table. It was “family” and they were waiting for me. I only recall a tall man whose energy felt a whole lot like my grandfather’s.

I got into the bed (since it is not my bed it represent consequences of my actions) and my grandmother put the covers over me. And then I slept (peace of mind). It was so nice, so peaceful, warm and safe. I wanted to stay forever.

Then I became aware of needing to “wake up”. I knew it was time to get out of bed. It felt like it was 7am, or at least the number 7 was prominent. My grandmother was encouraging me, her voice soft but firm, saying, “It’s time to get up now. It’s time to get up.” The feeling was that I had an appointment to go to, or at least somewhere to go.

I sat up on the right side of the bed and thought, “This was my Granddaddy’s bed.” I remember thinking about how in waking life the thought of sleeping in his old bed and in his old room made me shudder. It felt wrong. Yet here I was waking up in his old room and in his old bed!

Eventually I got up. My grandmother immediately began to make the bed (security). I helped her. Normally I wouldn’t have helped but in the dream I was honored to help her, remembering how she generously devoted her life to helping others, especially her family. Side by side we made the bed……. And I was still singing.

Note: The bed part of this dreams seems to go along with the saying, “You’ve made your bed now lie in it.” The fact that I am in my grandparents house, grandfather’s bed, indicates that I need to confront family issues specifically and many relate to the masculine.

Music Message

When I awoke I was sad. It felt like the dream was indicating a goodbye. It felt so final and I grieved, though not as intensely as I have in the past. It’s as if my pain and grief is all used up. A well run dry from overuse.

A song was going through my mind, specifically the part, “Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing. Women, they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

I didn’t understand the song when I heard it but now I think I do. Everything is temporary in this life. Change is the only constant. The last two lines are what I think the message sender wanted me to know, especially “when the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”

It really is all about timing and readiness. And when the time is right and am I ready, I will know.

 

 

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January 5 Dream and Message

Before I get into the dream/message I want to relay to you some things that happened yesterday.

At some point mid-day yesterday I received the message “Challenges” out of the blue while reading some random post online. The word was in the background but appeared to “pop” out at me. I tried to shrug it off but there was a strange feeling that followed me the rest of the day seeming to remind me of the message.

For over a week I’ve had strange heart fluttering/palpitations that come and go. Well yesterday the fluttering in my heart was happening more than usual. For example, in about 45 minutes I had at least three incidences. They don’t last long or make me dizzy or anything, but I usually only get them as I am falling asleep. These happened while I was sitting and watching T.V.

The message “challenges” came to mind every time I felt my heart doing weird things. I knew it was likely nothing but that I should go to the doctor just to make sure. I won’t go to a doctor, though, because if it is what my mom has then they will put me on beta-blockers. I won’t take that kind of life-long medication if they prescribe it. Nope. Could health be one one of my challenges this year? Maybe.

My decision made, I still felt the heart flutters on and off until bedtime but ignored them. The feeling hung around like a heavy blanket. It was really irritating and got more intense as the night neared.

I noticed a strange “coincidence” that evening as well. If you read yesterday’s dream post then you know I had discussed my husband being a plumber. It likely was bleed-through from a couple of days ago when I noticed our garbage disposal was leaking. Since my husband was away camping he opted to fix the issue last night. I told him to not replace the disposal (I rarely if ever used it) but put in a regular drain instead. He did this despite him wanting to get a new disposal.

The disposal had leaked water all over the base of the cabinet. The old house owners had put down 2×4’s to repair previous water damage and those boards were completely warped. So, I suggested we replace them. When my husband removed the boards he was greeted with this:

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He said it was a cesspool under the boards. I had actually assumed this based up the poor workmanship of the previous owner. He always half-assed all the repairs and this one was no different. Covering up wet, rotting wood is never a good idea. My husband said it was full of dead and live bugs of all kinds and smelled horrific.

This odd “coincidence” seemed like a message to me. What exactly the message is, I’m not yet sure but it can’t be a positive one. If this has been under our kitchen sink since we moved in we could have been exposed to all sorts of nasty stuff for nearly 4 years. Ahhh!

Dream: Orientation

I know I woke up crying in the middle of the night again, but I don’t know why. There was dream recall at the time and I took a mental note, but the memory did not stick. I remember a suggestion from my guides last Fall about keeping a notebook handy. I should have listened. My dream recall has sucked lately.

The last dream of the night was vivid, though. In it I was walking down familiar school hallways. It was the first public school I had ever worked at and I was walking down memory lane in the dream looking for my old classroom. When I located it I noted it was across the hall from my first boyfriend post divorce. The dream scene was replaced with a raging river scene (ready to confront life’s challenges). It was as if the hallway turned into the river. Then the scene disappeared and I was once again walking the hall and locating my old classroom.

I walked into a classroom that was not my old room. Inside a woman was waiting for me. I recognized her and greeted her warmly, hugging her tightly. I remember her with dark hair but her appearance shifted between a black woman and a white woman. I think I may have been seeing both her appearances – the one she takes in Spirit and the one of her human self.

She mentioned she was now in HR and had only the one job rather than juggling several. She was much happier. I was pleased to hear this. Her job with me was to orient me on my new job. I told her that I was surprised they had chosen me for the position but was happy they had. The position was obviously counselor.

We were interrupted by a group of young girls. They asked me to help them determine whether a test question required a paragraph answer or not. I spent some time going over it with them, explaining how they could decipher questions and feeling I had a good handle on the situation. I recall that the questions were all math (logic) questions and eventually handed them a printout of the steps they needed to follow.

When they left the room me and the woman continued our conversation. I don’t remember the specifics but there is memory of us discussing a decision I had made early in my career. I had opted to stay in a job despite wanting to leave early on. This was/is my tendency because I get bored easily and want to “run” at the first sign of trouble. Thus, early on in my career I jumped from school to school about every 9 months to a year.

The woman congratulated me on staying with the same employer for 8 years. I remember thinking there was a lesson in it that I had learned and repeating that lesson to her. It was something like, “It is easy to run away from your problems, but if you stick it out you are sure to be rewarded for your efforts.” I was proud for sticking it out as long as I had and knew this new opportunity was with the same district I spent those 8 years at. It surprised me that I would take a job so far from my home. Was I really going to commute almost an hour one-way to work every day?

The woman had to go and left me with a number to reach her. She said, “You can reach me anytime at 4392.” I said, “What?” not understanding the 4 digits. She repeated it and then I repeated it to myself.

I walked toward the front office. A blonde woman stopped me and said, “Good to see you back. Will you be available today?” I said, “No but probably tomorrow.” She smiled and walked on. I felt welcomed and this in turned made me feel excited for the future.

As we headed down the hallway I ran into another past acquaintance. I called her name and she turned and smiled. She welcomed me but seemed overly preoccupied and busy. I could tell she was in a hurry. I walked with her down a corridor that headed toward a basement area.

In this basement was a arcade (look back on previous time when you found joy) full of games and kids playing them. I happily joined in as did my coworker. I remember seeing lights flashing on a skee ball type game. I tossed a ball into one of the openings. The lights flashing reminded me of the lights one sees when they hit jackpot (take a chance on life) on a slot machine.

I left and walked toward the office with my coworker. We ran into a tall black man and stopped to talk. I inquired about the other counselor and was told by the man, “She didn’t make it. It was too much for her.” I was sad to hear this news and mentioned that it was a surprise since she had spent 8 years preparing in some military-type training program.

When we got to the office I was awakened by my son who was awake way too early.

Messages from the In-Between

I was able to stay in bed but couldn’t sleep. The dream kept going through my head and messages kept coming in. The number 4392 was repeated to me at one point, waking me up. Another time I was reading the label on a pill bottle. I read aloud, “Sword fight.” With this came the image of a sword and I knew the message was that I needed to fight for what I wanted. This woke me up immediately but I fell back into the in-between quickly. Then I was discussing with someone the return to work and saw the number 56. I saw it as a salary but I am sure it was not that. I also kept seeing a calendar in my head with the month of May lit up.

Finally, the most obvious message was when I heard a masculine voice yell at me. He said, “Get out! I’m telling you, GET OUT!” This woke me straight away.

Since I had been getting so much communication from voices and odd visions I surrounded myself in light and put up protection just in case I was being bothered by Spirit that were not guides.

But the “Get out” message bothered me. Get out of what? My bed? I was reminded of the second memorable audible message I received from Spirit, one that woke me up from deep sleep (the first was “Hold on” when I was in the midst of a car accident). I heard, “GET OUT NOW”, twice. At that point in my life I saw it as a message from God and didn’t hesitate to get out of my situation (left Alaska within a week and eventually left my marriage).

Surely this message was not meant in the same way? Surely I was making it up somehow or Spirit was playing games with me.

But it was so audible. So in my face. Just like the first one. The only difference is I’ve had so many messages in the years since that first one, that they have become “normal”. I had no reaction other than to think immediately someone in Spirit was playing with me and so surround myself in protection. Shows how my experiences have shaped me. Shows how wary I have become over the years.

As I woke the same song was going through my head as yesterday morning, only this time it was, “My love (song says “life”) is brilliant, my love is true. I saw an angel, of that I’m sure….and I can’t wait to see you again….” Though the last part is different than the song lyrics.

I’m not sure what to make of the dream and messages. Is this what is going to happen in May this year? We’ll see I guess.

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January 4 Dream: Visiting Alaska

I had a nice evening to myself last night while my husband and kids went camping at a state park. While it is nice outside, it is rather chilly and I do not find camping any fun when I am freezing my butt off.

My evening was rather uneventful spiritually speaking. Though I would have liked a lucid dream or OBE, even better some Kundalini, I was just too tired from the previous sleepless night.

Dream: Visiting Alaska 

The dream began with me discussing a ticket to Alaska with a man, who I called my husband but he didn’t resemble my husband at all. He asked me if I wanted to go with him to Alaska and I said I didn’t. It seemed like we would go there separately, him months ahead of me.

He gave me my ticket (start of new endeavor) and I saw in my mind a map of the U.S. I recall seeing the Great Lakes region of the U.S. and feeling like I had taken this journey before. In fact, an OBE of hovering over this exact region came to mind in the dream but in that memory the place was being bombed and it was very cold.

I knew I was revisiting a school I had attended in Alaska for a year. I “landed” outside a university building that was quite comfortable feeling to me, though I have never seen such a place in this physical life. It was green and pleasant with blue skies and a collegiate feel all around. Everyone felt young, inspired and eager to learn. Overall my feeling was of pleasure mixed with nostalgia. Happy memories, though I can’t recall even one, only a sense of spending time in this place.

There was someone with me, a young girl who I thought of as my daughter but I can’t get memory of what she looked like. Even in the dream it was like she was a bright golden shadow just out of sight. I was talking to someone other than my daughter, too, but can’t recall a face or gender. Upon reflection I think I was talking to my “husband” and the result of our discussion was the dream, like the discussion produced the imagery.

I remember talking about the weather (state of mind) and how it was 60 degrees (hope) there but snow was expected. The warm weather was the result of a warm front that had come in from the south. My daughter and I walked along a path lined with flowers and shrubs, enjoying the beautiful place and reminiscing. I wanted to take a picture of her (remember a certain version of myself) so we walked down near the water’s edge.

A man was standing alone by a bench (procrastination) on the path. He was a normal looking, dark haired man with a nice smile. When I saw him I immediately started talking with him as if we were old friends. I told him we wanted to take a picture by the water (wanting to remember something) and asked if he would take it for us. My daughter (vague memory here of pretty blonde woman with sparkling eyes) stood by the water and we snapped a picture. The resulting image only showed trees and flowers, though, which disappointed me. The man was very encouraging and began asking me questions about my visit so that I soon forgot all about the photo, instead focusing on the beautiful coastline and picturesque scenery of the area (need to focus on the positive).

Again there was mention of the weather (emotional state of mind) and how unusual it was for the time of year. I remember talking to him about my past schooling there. I had spent a year there and had hoped I would run into someone I knew from that time. I recall walking along the wide, open corridors of the university and looking at all the faces I encountered seeking out a familiar one. That’s when it occurred to me that I had not made any significant friends or acquaintances during my time there so it was unlikely I would meet someone I knew. Part of me considered I might be sad at my lack of friends but I paid that part no attention. I felt perfectly comfortable not having made any personal connections.

Still talking with the man we discussed how he had come to be there. He said he worked for an “organization”, which he shortened to “org”, and would only be visiting for a short time. I remember him saying he thought “orgs” did a lot of good and I agreed with him that they did make a positive impact. It felt like orgs were business while at the same community groups of well-intentioned citizens looking to make the world a better place.

He mentioned that he was training to become a plumber (dealing with emotional issues). I asked him, “Journeyman or Master?” He looked at me, surprised, and said, “Ah! How do you know that?” I said, “My husband is Journeyman….well actually Master but he didn’t keep up with his certification requirements.”

By this time he and I had walked into the university bookstore/exchange. I had been browsing and selected a shiny, silver jewelry (sense of self-worth) set consisting of a necklace, bracelet and earrings. I handed the woman the set noticed the earrings (desire for acceptance and affection) were missing. I told her, “It looks like the earrings are missing.” She said, “Do you still want it?” I said, “Sure. I don’t need the earrings anyway.”

When I attempted to pay I opened my wallet (self identity or financial situation) and found all of my cards had been removed (emotional void or empty feeling). There was absolutely nothing inside, not even my driver’s license. At first I was surprised but then I remembered that I had purposefully left them all behind. The man noticed I did not have my debit card. I told him, “It’s okay. I brought plenty of cash (self-worth, confidence, self-love) with me.” I looked back down at my wallet and saw the empty slots dotted with tiny, white or pale pink flowers (love, joy, happiness, overcoming grief/sadness) and felt completely at ease with my situation. I didn’t need credit or debit cards. I could sense a part of myself that would normally be very uneasy with such a situation, but I was not.

Eventually the man was join by his wife and child (a daughter I think) and told me he had to leave and had enjoyed our time together. When I saw that he was married with a family I was a bit disappointed. I believe someone said to me, “Looks like he is married. I could tell he was interested in you, though.” I remember considering how it might have been to have him as a life partner. I thought he and I were a good match and it was too bad that we had to go our separate ways. I also recall being asked, “Did you know him?” I said, “I don’t think so.” Yet I found it odd that I went right up to him and started talking to him.

When it was time to leave it felt like the scene became smaller, or maybe I got larger. As it disappeared below me I recall trying to figure out where exactly this “Alaska” was because I saw the Great Lakes region on the map. Apparently I had spent a whole year there. I assumed “Alaska” was a reflection of the year I actually lived in Alaska. It had been composed of many difficult lessons. Perhaps I was reflecting on that time in my life?

As my consciousness shifted back to my body I recall saying, “I don’t know what to do…..” I heard back from a masculine voice, “Do what you came here to do.” This brought me fully out of my reverie. The line of a song was repeating in my mind: “And I don’t know what to do….cause I’ll never be with you.”

Reflection

Based upon my dreams these first four nights of the new year, I’m not sure they are giving me glimpses of each month of this coming year. It feels more like lessons in my dreams than anything else. If this month is reflective of April then perhaps in April I will be sorting through relationship issues and patterns. April is the month my ex-husband was born. He still lives in Alaska and though I only spent a year there, it was probably the most challenging year of my life (well until 2017 that is lol).

The main feeling I had upon waking was sadness. The song seemed to intensify that feeling. I am still a bit sad by it. It feels like I missed an opportunity; a big “could have been” that will follow me the rest of my life.

Overall the dream seems positive so I guess that is a good thing. I was told, “Do what you came here to do”. I responded with, “What is that?” So, of course, I’ve been thinking about that most of the morning. What am I here to do? If I felt a “calling” or felt drawn to or pulled to do a particular thing, then it would make things so much easier. All I know is that I am here to help but the “how” has always been a mystery. I feel like a feather in the wind, going wherever the wind takes me. It makes for a very frustrating journey.

 

 

 

 

 

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January 3 Dreams: House of Spiders

I couldn’t sleep last night. It was not because I wasn’t tired.

First, the events leading up to my inability to sleep.

My husband has a two week Christmas break that goes along with the schools in the area. Every year he uses the break to stay as busy as he can. This usually means he still takes business calls and does work from home. It also means he has one or more projects he is juggling. These projects are not work related. For example, this year he decided he would add onto the tree house he built in our back yard. The kids never use it but he thought it would be great to make another higher level. The level is so high that it scares me to climb up to it. It’s too high for little kids.

He’s finished the tree house two days ago. Yesterday he opted to get out his chainsaw and randomly cut down trees. This took him all day to do. His next plan is to build a retaining wall and fence. I don’t know how he will accomplish this when he has a camping trip planned today.

In the meantime he invited two boys to spend the night without telling me. I had been out doing errands and when I returned my house was in chaos and my husband was still outside cutting down trees. Normally it would not be an issue to have a sleepover going on but the entire break my husband has hardly been in the house. He doesn’t help watch the children or do anything to assist me. Yet he invites two additional children over while I’m out, doesn’t supervise them and had no intention of helping supervise them.

In additional to all of the above, my youngest got overtired and came to me at 6pm complaining of an earache. He fell asleep with some coddling only to be awakened by my daughter and her tantrum throwing. From around 7pm until 10pm he was inconsolable. My husband was in his office room working the entire evening. When I asked him for help with our youngest he told me, “Just let him cry.” The sleepover was in full swing by this time as well and my daughter was still crying over a lie she had been caught in.

I tried to juggle all of it but eventually lost my cool and left our youngest in the office on the bed. He was still crying but since it was in my husband’s work space he had to take time to console him or else go insane by the crying. For about an hour this worked and I got some peace but it didn’t last.

I heard our youngest crying and so went to investigate. I nearly got run over by the two boys who were sleeping over. Our middle son has passed out in bed and so the two were running all over the house screaming. They had completely trashed a bedroom in the process.  I found my husband asleep on the sofa next to a very upset, wailing in pain little boy. How he could sleep through the crying, I don’t know!

Within minutes I was able to calm our son and get him to sleep. My husband got up in a zombie-like state and went upstairs, oblivious to me and our son.

By the time I was able to get to bed I was exhausted. Yet when I tried to sleep I would be bombarded with strange images of enormous toys and other imaginary things. The feeling I had was of being super hyper. No matter how I tried I could not get the energy to dissipate and the images continued to plague me. One time I was nearing sleep when a giant toy threw an object at me in my near-dreamstate. I swear I felt it when it hit me in the face!

After a couple of hours of unsettling images of giant toys and strange energy I pleaded with my guides to help me. I realized soon after that I was somehow picking up on the boys and their dreams/thoughts/energy. I was advised to protect and ground my energy. I tried this but kept being pulled into their dream imagery. Eventually, though, I was able to stave off the worst of it and began to settle down.

It was 2am before the images and energy stopped. I still felt uneasy, though. I decided to lay on my back and just rest/mediate for a while. My guide was helping me the entire time. What I recall next is speaking in a foreign language that I thought of as “Native American” though I cannot say that was the language for sure. In front of me I could see a golden tablet filled with symbols/letters of an unknown language. My guide was speaking the language with me. I have no idea what we were saying but I remember knowing what I was saying was special and helpful. I also felt my guide and I were not alone. There was a circle of others surrounding us.

Image result for image of 0s and 1s

Eventually I became super aware of what was going on and felt the familiar heavy blanket of energy indicative of the trance state. It did not come on gradually either. It was instantaneous to the point that it startled me. Along with the strange energy came hypnagogia – millions of 1’s and 0’s in random order. As I looked into the images I saw pictures take form. All of it was typical of deep trance. I knew I was one step away from being able to exit my body consciously. However, I could not get my mind to settle. The energy, images and overall sensation was too alerting to my conscious mind.

I emerged from the trance state and re-entered it more times than I could count after that. I know I was receptive to messages at this time but all I remember now is Knowing/saying to someone that I could not bring the memories back with me. It was like I was purposefully being kept just on the verge of sleep most of the night. There was a strong sense of connecting with the minds of others in my house. It was unsettling and uncomfortable to me to the point of scaring me several times. I felt unable to control this odd telepathy. I felt too wide open, too receptive. There was also the familiar sensation of the energy mask across my face the whole time. My entire head was ablaze with energy and it was not welcome. I wanted it all to STOP.

Dream: House of Spiders

At some point this morning I was allowed to enter into some dreams. The main dream I recall is of visiting a house that had a massive spider infestation (feeling trapped in a situation or relationship). Most of the spiders stayed hidden in the attic (hidden/repressed). However, as the dream progressed the spider problem became greater to the point that they were coming out in plain sight (made to see the issue).

There was a story playing out with the spider house. In it I was visiting a couple and the husband seemed to have an interest in me. It made me uncomfortable, especially when he became more open about his intentions. I remember he took me in a car to his place of work. I was watching his infant son (innocence, warmth, vulnerability) and keeping an eye on things. The whole time there was a feeling of wrongness but now all I can recall is the spiders. They were everywhere.

Eventually there was discussion about fogging the house to rid it of the spiders. The spider infestation was spreading and had to be stopped. When this information was presented I remember feeling guilty for my interactions with the husband even though I had done nothing wrong.

Dream: Closed Christmas Toy Factory

In this dream I arrived at a factory (repetitious thinking and old ways of doing things) with a little girl and her mother. The factory was solid gray (depression, fear, confusion) with no windows. It looked very bleak. As we walked inside we saw signs that it was closed for the rest of the year. It was like a Santa’s workshop attraction and was open only during the Christmas (associated with family) holiday season.

Despite it being closed we walked up a long, solid gray ramp (struggles toward goal) and into an area with a couple of tables. The little girl sat down at one of the tables. She had with her a doll she had brought along. She put to doll under her chair. The mother approached and asked the girl where he doll was. The girl pointed to it and the mother picked it up. The doll came to life (need to escape current problems/responsibilities) and was moving like a real person. She was a miniature human, perfect in every way.

Afterward

When I woke it was 6:30am and despite not getting much sleep I was wide awake again. My thoughts were on my life, things that were bothering me and that I needed to get done. My third-eye was active and I was hearing a song in my mind – Fire and the Flood by Vance Joy. Over and over I heard: Anywhere I go there you are. It didn’t make sense to hear that song again.

I had a familiar feeling, one I haven’t had in a long time. It wasn’t overly strong but it was noticeable. I felt a need to get out. I recalled a day last week, one I didn’t write about for an inability to express what I was feeling. It relates to the Kundalini and how it has changed me. I sought help in a FB group because I needed to know what my future might hold. The answers I got were not helpful or promising and I ended up in tears from the frustration and inability to cope. My guides interrupted my tears and said, “Your life is not in balance.” What they said felt right but still I had/have no idea how to bring it into balance.

Upon waking my mind felt like a jumble of too many problems or things that are wrong. There is a part of me that feels I am being trodden upon by my life and should stand up for myself. She is demanding I take action. There is another part that feels unable to do anything about anything. The apathy is killer and I am suffocated by it every time. I feel weak, destroyed, beaten down by life. I keep hoping someone or something will come in and save me from it. No one comes. Nothing changes.

In considering my dreams and how they may be giving me an idea of what to expect in March this year, I am not feeling too optimistic.

 

 

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Jan. 2 Dreams and Strangeness

It’s been unusually cold here in Texas for several days in a row now. The high yesterday was 30 degrees but I don’t think it ever got that warm. The lows have been in teens and twenties. We had snow on New Year’s eve, but only a trace amount. Just enough to make the rooftops white the next morning. It will be below freezing in the evenings until this Friday. I want it to be Spring so bad. I hate cold weather.

This morning my husband calls out to me saying, “Hey Dayna. Do you think this is some kind of sign?” I said, “Maybe? What is it?” He brings to me a completely frozen dove saying, “It froze to death perched on a branch.”

deaddove

When I looked at it, it looked like it was taking a nap. You can see in the image above that it looks almost peaceful. I told my husband, “Yeah, it’s a sign.” I didn’t tell him what sign, though. It seems like an omen of endings. I have gotten it myself before.

My daughter went into grief over it, crying and saying, “You poor thing. You didn’t do anything to deserve this!” She then had tons of questions about why he died. I explained that he was not able to huddle with others doves and so, being alone, he froze to death. I also said he was likely sick or weak to begin with. She wanted to bring him inside and let him thaw out, as if it would bring him back to life. She’s so sweet.

I’ve been going stir crazy. I hate the cold so I avoid going outside. It’s created a cabin fever feeling in all of us except my husband who has been happily working on a tree house outside (he’s nuts). Yesterday, sick of being stuck inside, I ventured out on a run. It was so cold my eyelashes stuck together when I blinked. The run wasn’t too miserable but I would rather it be too hot than not feel parts of my body. lol

Dream: Reunion

As I mentioned in my last post, I will be keeping track of my dreams for the first 12 days of this year. January 1st brought OBEs. January 2nd brought vivid dreams.

This dream began in the parking lot of a school. My intention for visiting was to check on some job vacancies I had heard were there. The positions were temporary, part-time teacher/assistant ones. The entire dream I carried with me a neatly folded full-size quilt/blanket (warmth, love, security, protection).

Inside the place resembled a mixture of various schools I have worked at in this lifetime. I walked down a long hall and encountered several past acquaintances. One was my ex-principal and another a male history teacher I once knew. Each time the encounters were pleasant, as if I was reuniting with them on the Other Side. Neither of us held any grudges or negative feelings despite having history with each other that was not all positive.

I went into a classroom and walked between desks of students. The class was the classroom of a familiar ex-coworker. We jabbered and I looked curiously at the desk of a female student in front of me. She had a small dish with two broken eggs (breaking out of one’s shell) in it. Assuming it was trash, I picked it up and disposed of it.

I walked over to talk to the teacher. She greeted me and asked me questions about my life, catching up on all that she had missed in the 4 or so years since we had seen each other. Another male teacher, the history one I had already spoken to, dropped in and joined us. The both mentioned that two science teachers had resigned. The name of my high school science teacher was mentioned as one of them. The history teacher asked me why I was there and I told him I was looking into working again. He seemed to try and dissuade me by saying the two positions were already filled. Then he asked if I thought of returning to school. I said I already had a Master’s degree and didn’t see the point. I then said that I was only looking for temporary work, like three months max, because I didn’t feel full-time work suited me anymore. He nodded in agreement and understanding. Throughout the conversation I was completely relaxed and accepting of whatever came to pass. If I didn’t get work, I was okay. If I did, I was okay, too. There was a sense that I didn’t need to work right now but that I could if I wanted to.

Then the student whose desk I had cleaned off interrupted. She said she was not finished with the eggs I tossed. I apologized after I saw every student had two broken eggs in a dish on their desk. I said, “Oh, I’m sorry! You are all conducting an experiment, aren’t you?” I picked the broken eggs out of the trash and returned them to her.

I spoke with the teacher of the class again. For some reason there was a completely naked baby boy (innocent/vulnerable/masculine aspect of self) laying near her desk. When I saw him I thought he was cute and so made some cooing noises. This upset him and he began to cry (part of self that is deprived and needs attention). The teacher consoled him and told me that he was particular about people. She told me I should not have growled at him. I said I didn’t and repeated to her the noise I made but it did sound like a growl. When I looked at the baby it had morphed into a toddler sized girl (feminine aspect of self) and said something to me I can’t recall now.

The teacher asked me about my sister (aspect of self) and I told her she had joined the Air Force back in mid-October, 2017. The teacher asked what she was trained in and I said, “Mostly militia tactics.” Somehow, though, the conversation seemed to shift to indicate that both myself and the teacher were trained for the militia and were on stand-by until needed. It felt like in the meantime we were to busy ourselves with other things until we were “called to duty”.

As I was leaving I realized I did not have my blanket with me. I searched for it and found it laying on the floor between two student desks. I was very pleasant to the students as I left, saying goodbye, smiling and mentioning I enjoyed my visit and would like to return for another.

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Interpretation

When I woke I was in a pleasant mood despite how odd the dream was. It seemed like I had been interacting with people from my past, doing some kind of life review with them and catching up. The part about me looking for work was likely a discussion of my considerations right now in waking life. I have been again feeling a need to work but not feeling it is right, feeling unmotivated and disinterested.

The part that really stood out to me and that was on my mind when I awoke was the part about being trained military but in standby mode, awaiting a call to duty. It felt like me and the others in my dream had been trained in the same “tactics” and were currently on standby. We could do whatever we liked while on standby. There was not set agenda while we waited. It was like we were on leave (vacation) for an indeterminate amount of time.

The blanket symbol is significant. Usually I am wrapped up in a blanket indicating a fear of the unknown. But in this dream I was carrying it, neatly folded, at my side and at one point had to look for it because I left it behind. This indicates that I am not feeling a need for security or protection from the unknown. I am breaking out of my shell (the egg symbolism comes in here).

Recent Experiences

Last night, as with other recent nights, my attention keeps being shifted to a guide/Spirit/Being to my left. The sense of him is distant, as if he is purposefully standing just outside my energy field. I assume he does this so that I am not startled by the enormity of his energy. I will explain why I think this is a bit later.

The way he grabs my attention is interesting. Usually I am thinking or doing something that keeps my conscious mind occupied like watching T.V. or making dinner. Then, quite oddly, I will have a thought, usually in the form of a memory, that does not fit with what I am doing/experience in the physical present moment.

Last night I was watching Netflix and had let my left arm and hand hang over the side of the bed. I don’t normally do this and am not sure why I did this in that moment but I suddenly became acutely aware that my hand was there and outstretched as if to hold another’s hand. With this awareness I saw, like a movie in my mind, another hand reaching toward mine but the hand had three very long fingers with overly large fingertips on it. The hand was a bluish green color and familiar.

Along with this vision I had memory of an OBE I had a while ago. In it I was taken aboard a ship and saw a Being that was very unusual in appearance. Others told me he was a certain race of E.T. based upon my description of him but my mind is blank on the name of that race at the moment (very odd!). Mostly I recall his color which was a bluish green, his overly large head and long, frog-like fingers but I also recall the symbols on the ship and the stars of space through the porthole of the craft we were in.

I withdrew my hand and ignored the visions and memories feeling that I was crazy to consider any of it as my reality and returned to watching my show.

Not long after, fully immersed in my show, another memory presented itself. This time it was the memory of when I first received the name Elohim. I had never heard the word before, had no idea what it meant and since the name came with such an intense shot to the heart, it scared the crap out of me.

Well, you can imagine my reaction to this memory. Part of me was unconcerned and accepting. The other was saying, “Oh no. I’m not falling for this again. I am making this all up. It’s some kind of dream-schizophrenic episode and I will NOT be fooled into thinking any of it is real. Not again. Nope.”

It didn’t help that I was hit with a strange, surreal feeling, like this reality is just a dream construct and the memory I was having was the real deal. The disconnected feeling was super strong and it caused me to withdraw immediately from the Spirit/Being that was visiting.

He said to me, “We are One” and other things like, “You will see me again soon”, “Contact”, and “You are not listening.” I tried not to hear/listen but it was impossible. The messages and connection felt just like it did when I was visited before.

I almost didn’t write about this but felt I should because who knows where it might lead. Maybe I am experiencing some kind a dream-schizophrenic episode? Maybe I am mentally split to the point that I am bordering on a complete break with reality? I tried to rationalize it away with it all being a mental illness, but honestly I can’t do that completely. Either it is a real, spiritual experience or it is some kind of mass-hysteria-dream-psychosis that needs to go in the DSM-V as a new mental illness! Whatever it is, it is MY experience and I don’t know what the &*%@ to do about it!!!!

When I first had this “contact” experience with Elohim it led to all kinds of crAzY shit – Kundalini, heart connections, strange OBEs on board spacecraft and meetings with E.T.s/Beings. Most of it was good, exciting, wonderful, but then there was the big, life-altering stuff that ultimately led to horrendous pain and suffering on my part. To allow myself to believe/listen/accept this return of “contact” was to allow the potential of a repeat of all that I just mentioned. Not sure I am up to that again, especially the painful parts.

Ultimately, I recognized that I am where I am in life – not working, stay at home mom, isolated/hermit-like – for a reason. STILL. It is obvious that whatever I am going through necessitates these things because if I were to work or interact with others beyond my family and close friends/acquaintances, I may be exposed to that which I am not yet ready for. I assume heart-connections but it could be various other things and it could also be that others are not ready for me. Whatever the reasons it makes sense and so be it.

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Not Going Home, Feeling Home

This is the post I wrote on the 24th but never had time to post:

Happy Christmas Eve to everyone (and to some Christmas Day!). I hope you are surrounded by family and friends and enjoying all the positive things the holiday season has to offer. If you are struggling – however that might be – I hope the love I am sending you can brighten your day for at least a little while.

My family plans are simple, as they tend to be most years during the holidays. We will be visiting my Mom’s house tonight to celebrate early. My brother drove in from Arizona a couple of days ago so we get to visit with him again. Always a treat because he is one of the few family members who knows me and is accepting of all that I am. We will open presents early and have a nice Christmas Eve meal together.

This year I tossed out all my money concerns and typical “budgeting” scheme and opted to be a bit freer with my gifting. I have kept my mouth shut whenever my husband goes overboard (which he always does) and even purchased gifts for the people he usually does the buying for, people who he calls family but I don’t. For 10 years we have had disagreements over this group and his over indulgence of them because his definition of family and mine are so different. Ultimately, I saw my wrong in this. His family = my family no matter the definition used. I can be so frickin’ stubborn and ridiculous sometimes. So as a means to get over myself (LOL) I bought each of those family members pretty pricey presents and did so without any resentment. What is funny is that when I told my husband he actually indicated he had not wanted to buy them anything this year! Hahaha That is how it works, you know. When the energetic barrier/rift comes down the other person becomes suddenly reasonable and changes their mind. I was left thinking, “What we were fighting about this whole time?” 😀

This morning I was reminded of how miserable I have been in past Christmas’ (most of my adult ones sadly). It was like memories in a slide show flashed through my mind. I saw myself from the perspective of the Observer and wondered about my misery. Why was I choosing to be unhappy during such a happy time? I knew it was because I was focused on the wrong things. This year that will not happen.

From A Place of Nothingness, Something-ness Arrives

For a while now I’ve been feeling adrift in the sea that is my life. It is literally like I’m on a tiny raft in the middle of a huge ocean with no ability to tell one direction from the other. There is no land in sight and I have long ago given up hope of ever reaching my destination. In fact, I can’t even remember where I was going. This feeling has been increasing over time, getting stronger and stronger to the point that I am so use to feeling it that it doesn’t even bother me anymore. To try and consider the future is pointless from this place of nothingness. To look at the past does no good either for I am not that person anymore. It only makes sense to focus on the present and take from it what can be gained, focusing on the good and floating along with the current.

It is a strange feeling this “going with the flow”. For me it is completely out of character but I find myself in this space because my struggling has gotten me nowhere. Exhaustion set in and I gave myself up to the sea. Thing is, I didn’t drown like I thought I would. I floated up to the surface and as long as I don’t struggle I continue to float. It has left me in awe because when I don’t struggle the only thing I see is the sky and possibility. When I do struggle I go under water and well you know how your vision is under water – clouded and blurry and you cannot see the sky very clearly if you look up, sometimes not at all.

The me that wants to plan ahead, who does all the “what if” questioning, looking at scenario after scenario, is still there. I still get upset, antsy, resistant, but it rarely lasts. The path ahead is still unknown and I am okay with that. I still worry about what I will do career-wise sometimes because nothing feels right. I want to know that path but am okay with not-knowing and let it go. Honestly, it feels like I don’t care but that is not it. My Ego wants to label it as that but I know better. I am just going with the flow, letting the current take me where it will. I accept that my life here is not my own. This is not a “bad” thing, either. It means that I understand that I am here to help others and those “others” are all of humanity (and all of my family, too). It means that my life IS my life but not my Ego’s life. It belongs to a Me that Knows and so in giving up control of my (Ego) life I am putting my full trust in Me. The minute this decision was made, I experienced relief. I can’t even describe it. And it didn’t come all at once, it was a slow, expanding of relief that brought both physical and spiritual calm.

It wasn’t until I began typing this post that all of the above was made known to me, at least in a human-consciousness sort of way – in word rather than feeling/Knowing. Is this Ego death? Perhaps. Maybe? Probably. Should I celebrate? No, but I will smile. Celebrating would insinuate that I “won” but this is not a battle, never was. <——“never was” are the key words here.

Right now I feel it. I want the universe to Know that I finally get it. This is what surrender feels like and it isn’t bad at all.

Dream: Not Going Home, Feeling Home

This morning I got to sleep in until 8 a.m. Yessss! I was pleasantly surprised by where my dreams took me.

The night began with all kinds of twists and turns. I will skip those, though, because they are inconsequential. Instead I will start at the church/library (spiritual nourishment/place of wisdom) where my group was taken by bus.

Inside this building I was waiting with others, others I knew from my visit to Tennessee in 2016. In fact, this whole dream seemed to be the result of me discussing that trip and my experiences there. In particular a friend of mine was with me, a friend who I have been out of communication with for a while now. She was very pleasant with me and I felt our connection and her love for me.

The rest of our group got into the bus (personal setback or feeling left out) and left. It was just myself, my friend and a handful of others that remained. I was picking up my things and preparing to leave. I had a sad feeling but I can’t place why. It could have been because there was discussion about my sister and it turned into her sending a friend to come retrieve some jewelry. I saw a woman come in and take a long, beaded necklace from the bedside table where my things had been. It looked like belly dancing (comfort with self) jewelry (one’s self worth). The woman left some and I quickly grabbed some pieces to keep for myself but then changed my mind and put them back along with my own jewelry recognizing I didn’t want or need any of it.

I turned toward the front of the building and my perceptions brightened. The entire space turned golden and it was like an ethereal light was lighting the entire room. I suddenly became aware of a young boy. He was familiar to me. In fact, I recall him from many past dreams and OBEs. He had dark hair and eyes and a familiar smile.

We were talking but I can’t recall our conversation until he triggered my lucidity. We were talking about what I was going to do next. I remember telling him I thought it might be time for me to revisit using my spiritual gifts, specifically precognition. As I spoke to him I saw the mountains of Georgia and Tennessee in my mind. I was explaining how I missed Home and at first I thought I was talking about TN as my home but it soon became apparent that I was not. There was, however, a longing to return to that area. It felt like Home to me.

The boy and I kept our distance as we talked. He was repairing a torn couch cushion (need for rest and relaxation) that looked like someone had intentionally taken the stuffing out (repairing indicates he was doing the opposite of resting/relaxing and is correcting the situation). He said, “I have often wanted to go Home, too.” He said this to make me feel better. He didn’t want me to feel alone but he also wanted me to know that he felt for me to want this (to die) was not good for me. I remember once he told me, “You need to work on that.”

I was sitting on a church pew (personal reflection) looking out the back window as he spoke to me. I turned and saw him re-stuffing a cushion. As he said, “I have often wanted to go Home, too…” I corrected him and said, “I don’t want to go Home, I want to feel Home.”

When I said this to him I had such Knowing, such peace. It was clear to me that I had never really wanted to go Home because it was never a place but a Beingness – a feeling. I said to him, “I came here not really knowing why…..And here you are and I am getting exactly what I wanted (meaning feeling Home).” When I said “here” it felt like Tennessee but also the place where we were in the dream.

I turned and gazed out the window of the church. I could see a line of children happily running toward the library (yes it was a church but also a library). I remember thinking, “Oh yeah, school’s out.” I knew they were coming into the church/library where I/we were. My time with him would be interrupted soon and I would go. I didn’t care, though. I felt this amazing, peaceful, happy feeling. It felt like everything would be alright, nothing was ever wrong in the first place. I was so completely and utterly happy, I can’t even describe it.

I could feel the boy coming closer. I say “the boy” but in my mind I kept feeling like his name was Kevin. Without looking I knew he had moved and was sitting to my right. When I turned he was sitting very close to me and we were face-to-face. He was smiling and his eyes were bright and familiar. He leaned in and kissed me gently on the lips. I kissed him back and in my mind I kept thinking, “I am Home. This is Home. He is Home.” I pulled back briefly concerned that the children would come in anytime and that I was too old to be kissing a mere boy of 9-10 years old, but I pushed those considerations out of my mind. I didn’t care. I remember thinking, “I never got to kiss you…..” And then he was kissing me gently again and I was memorizing the feel of his lips and the kiss, relishing every minute of it and remembering that I had done this a thousands times before. The joy I felt is indescribable. It bubbled up inside me to the point that I could not contain it and I awoke still feeling his lips on mine.

Afterward I lingered in the feeling, smiling because it had felt so real. I do not recall feeling the Divine love and friendship I am use to feeling, at least not like in other dream experiences. However, I did feel unusually happy and blissful and had we continued to kiss I would likely have had some major heart bliss as I could sense it stirring even as I awoke. The feeling is of such safety and security, as if there is no past, present or future and time doesn’t exist. There is only love, joy, and a sense of never, ever being alone.

Note: This note is mostly to those who may think the “boy” in this dream represents an actual person in waking reality. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, or maybe it is both. I have long since given up on trying to figure it out. I do Know he is a manifestation of my masculine half and I have come to understand that he manifests as many different individuals in my dreams, all of them male with similar characteristics (dark hair and eyes). He is all of my masculine identities, all of the roles I have played in other lifetimes and dimensions. He is Me and I am Him and we are One, though we are temporarily separated for experience purposes. I am slowly learning about myself via my interactions with him. He is showing me MySelf.

I knew prior to this dream that he was coming for a visit. I was warned before I fell asleep but didn’t really think about it or even believe it meant an actual meeting. Thankfully I no longer feel pain at our meeting and consequent separation in my dreams. 🙂

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2 OBE’s and Message: I’m On My Way

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas! I have an entire other post written from the 24th but it has been so busy that I have not had a chance to post it. My two oldest both got computer games and so have taken over the computers in the household. This morning I put my foot down and took mine back. lol Now I know why so many parents buy their kids laptops at a young age! Ha! Since they are so inexpensive now I may end up giving in and buying an el cheapo for them to share (share? what’s that? HAHAHA).

Christmas came and went without much hoopla (thank God). We’ve already had two of the three we have each year. The next will be on the 29th with my husband’s extended “family”. That one will be CrAzY!

Here’s some photos of Christmas.

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Christmas morning – Monty’s in Adrian’s lap. 🙂

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Christmas Eve – our gingerbread house.

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Christmas Eve at my Mom’s

Dream: Mutilation 

Strange dreams again last night. In this one I was reporting for my new “assignment”. It was in a secret location. Inside the underground location was a group and the feeling I had was that the leader of this group was some kind of New Age revolutionary for change. He felt somewhat like a guru but was not. He was just very wise and Knowing – a teacher.

I was given my assignment after a debriefing. The main thing I remember about my debriefing was body mutilation for cultural reasons, specifically circumcision. My group’s job was to go to a location and meet a “victim” and get him to share his story on video.

I knew I was to do certain rituals every day, reporting to the headquarters to meditate and chant specific mantras. I watched as a group of very important people visited the leader. When they came in there was a strong energetic shift. They were super tall and looked like elephants! I was shocked and in awe at the same time. When they spoke to our leader it was in a different language. All I could make out were clicks and strange noises there was no way I could make with my mouth.

As I watched the interaction I saw the elephant men shift shape and look more like tall, insect-like creatures with overly large heads. Their color changed to a rusty color, too. They acknowledged that I was watching by looking my way and nodding their heads. After this I was able to understand what they said. They mentioned that our group and our leader were “genetically modified” and they were not. They had come to make sure our instructions were understood.

I left with my group and entered a hospital where the victim was staying. I knew somehow that my job assignment had shifted from teacher to nurse and was a bit overwhelmed at knowing this. Two of my group members did most of the talking as we interacted with a man in a hospital bed. I took over when I saw he was not interested and soon realized it was not a man but a woman and that she had also been mutilated (clitoral circumcision). I was horrified.

As we left I met the nurse taking care of her. She was super tall, at least a foot taller than me. I hugged her and said, “I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.” As I said this I burst into tears, my heart ripped apart by the heaviness of the entire human race.

Interpretation

I suspect this dream is mostly about my changing roles and assignments. It is a sneak peak of the changes ahead. The elephant is likely symbolic of the Kundalini again and I do believe that I encountered E.T.s, though what kind I am not sure. I wasn’t afraid nor was I even nervous. The language was odd and the entire dream had a sacred feel about it.

It feels like I was taking on the pain of the human race – again. The way my heart overflowed for humanity was familiar and very real. I am getting use to it, though, so I am not feeling completely decimated by it. The mutilation is likely symbolic of how we mutilate ourselves and our Earth. It is very sad so I am not surprised that I burst into tears.

OBE: Cheers!

When I woke up I was still crying and a bit confused. I asked to go OOB and fell back to sleep.

I exited my body not long after and immediately went out the window of my bedroom. Outside it was dark and cold and I knew my trip would be brief. I sang aloud to keep my vibration up and stabilize myself. It worked and I flew up and above my neighborhood. It actually felt as if a giant hand was supporting me as I flew and I knew no matter what I would not become grounded suddenly.

I ran into a man holding a tray full of large bottles of beer. Still singing I smiled at him, grabbed a beer, took a drink and said “Cheers!” He smiled back and I recall a woman being with him. I greeted her and flew off on my way still singing and feeling light and happy.

I flew over treetops for a while noting that there was a magnetic pull upward always threatening to pull me up and out of the scene. I somehow knew that if I allowed myself to go with it that I would be taken elsewhere. This “elsewhere” was a place I have visited before. A sky world with floating cities and waterfalls. I looked up above me to see if there were any floating landmasses above me. I saw none.

Despite knowing this other place was awaiting me, I resisted the pull and came back into my body. My heart was racing and beating erratically. I took note and requested to leave again.

OBE: Summer

My request was interrupted by my daughter bursting into the room and telling me it was time to get up. I knew it was 10am and I should get up but I was too tired and told her to leave. She wouldn’t so I got up and ushered her and her little brother out. Closing the door I could hear the TV and tried to cover my ears and return to sleep. This was when I realized none of the interaction was real and I was dreaming.

I pulled myself out of my sleeping body and walked/floated into the other room. As I walked a piece of my sheet stuck to my foot and it took me a while to get it to come off. I saw my daughter and a little child. The child was sitting on the floor. Everything had a golden hue. I felt very happy and light and was eager to share it with my children. I took the little boy – now a girl – by the hand and headed toward the window. Another child appeared then, a little girl, and I took her hand also. All four of us went out the window but it morphed into an arched doorway. At our feet were tangled tree roots reminiscent of a fairy land. I was delighted!

Instead of flying I showed them how to jump really high and linger in the air. They did this with me for the rest of the OBE. It was warm and sunny outside and I remember saying how much I loved summer and how I wished it were summer now. There was a knowing that the coming summer would bring new life for me. There was so much more with this Knowing at the time but now it is lost to me. I relished the warmth of the sun and the bright green foliage of the trees and grass. It was in stark contrast to the bleak, cold and rain of the current winter.

I gazed up at the sky and saw a vast blue dotted with fluffy white clouds. I remembered again the floating cities of the astral land I once visited. There were no cities or landmasses above me but I knew somewhere they did exist.

There was a silent communication that it was time to wake up and I shifted back into my sleeping body without incident. Seamless re-entry – not vibrations or racing heart.

Song and Message

After I woke I lingered in bed for a moment. A guide was to my left and he asked me a question: “Would you like me to take you to our place?” I said, “Yes!” He asked me if I knew where it was. I said, “Yes!” and in my mind was memory of the floating cities of the astral sky world. He had taken me there before, long ago, and I had explored a floating building in the shape of a donut. We had traveled through this “building” (ship/craft is more like it). The walls breathed as if they were alive. Inside I was told it was the place where my “other body” lay in stasis. I never saw myself but another “friend” laying on a bed. I watched her sleeping body while her “dream” in holographic pictures formed in the space around her like a movie. I also saw her “guide” standing by her side.

There was an entire message from myself at this time. There were two me’s. One said one thing and the other in two-way conversation. It was an explanation and Knowing of all my dreams prior. The human me was excited and assuming I was ready to move forward in a certain situation. The other me explained matter-of-factly that I could not until I was Whole. There were still missing “pieces”. I saw these pieces as parts of my body, like a finger here or a foot there. Each section part was solid gold and shimmering and fit like a puzzle piece with the rest of my body.

When I came back to full awareness a section of a song was going over and over in my mind: “I’m on my way…..” On my way where? Home.

Note: When I told my daughter about my OBE and how we were jumping-flying she got really excited and told me, “I dreamed I was jumping really high last last night but I was in the back yard.” Ha! So cool!

Considerations/Knowings

Shit’s about to get real – well that’s the feeling anyway. Not sure what exactly that means in the big scheme of things but those of us who’ve been on this ascension path, riding it for umpteen years now, we’ve been through the ringer and back so many times now that we’ve grown use to being tied in knots so much that we may not know what to do now that we’re laying out to dry. It feels odd, doesn’t it?

My dreams suggest I have a new job. Not just the dream above but others as well. I’m not just a teacher anymore, I’m a nurse/doctor AND a teacher now, but the teacher me is mostly taking a back seat. What does this even mean? Hell if I know but I feel different. Nurses and doctors help the sick and dying. They tend to wounds and are all about healing and helping others. Maybe I am heading in that direction now, less focused on my own healing and more on others’….

I didn’t mention the other dream I had last night because most of it is lost to me. However, when I woke I was discussing taking a flight to Tennessee. WTF right? Why? Where did that even come from? I said to whoever I was talking to, “I can’t wait to drive there…” and was cut off with an image of an airplane and heard, “You will fly.” I was really excited but since I couldn’t remember why it was weird.

I have also recalled in-between discussions about using my spiritual gifts again, specifically precognition/readings. It always comes with a feeling…need almost….to get ready. There have also been discussion about my future, too, and how I will handle a certain coming situation, a situation I won’t go into now but one that will challenge me in ways I must prepare myself for. Mostly it is how to handle the feeling of Home on a daily basis without it completely destroying me and those I love. I realized just how not ready I am to have that feeling all the time. There is still too much human fear of loss and the stupid things the human me might do to avoid it. I may never really rid myself of it but there will be a time when I am up to the challenge of handling this fear with the help of another.

How all this will come to pass, I don’t know, but I trust that it will and won’t speculate on the specifics of it. It likely will not be anything like what I imagine. It never is.

 

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Dream: Double Dragon

I couldn’t sleep last night for a sore throat and severely watery eyes. Even sucking on a cough drop didn’t help. It was 2am before I fell asleep and I woke at 6am. 😦

Dream: Double Dragon

In this dream I recall being outside in the country walking along and then looking up in the sky to see two dragons (fiery personality, highly spiritual, good fortune). They seemed to be one but then not one, like flying so close they were one. I kept myself hidden under bushes, trees and such as I made my way through the country. I recall seeing the dragons several times. I wanted to stay hidden from them just in case they might eat me.

I encountered a crystal clear stream (profound understanding, emotion) running very swiftly downhill. It didn’t run through rocks or earth, though, but through a culvert or canal that shimmered with gold (spiritual reward) and crystal (unity with Higher Self) leafing. It went underground and I stepped into the shallow water and walked against the current up toward a small waterfall (letting go) that flowed out of an unknown source. Though it was underground it was very light and open inside with windows looking up and out onto the road the stream ran under.

Feet wet I crawled up a wall. Still on the lookout for the dragon I saw them in the distance to my left. So I grabbed onto little outcroppings in the wall of a building and crawled through a window. The building now reminds me of a castle (recognition for accomplishments).

Inside it was pristine, like a very fancy hotel (shift in personality). The windows opened up onto a veranda upon which I found myself. I walked through the glass doors and into the suite. I knew I had stayed there before. It was for couples and I remembered being with a partner though who that was specifically I do not recall.

I realized right away that the place had been locked up for the season. Everything was set up for the future guests – little welcome chocolates with note cards, flowers and fluffed pillows. It was very beautiful and a place I would love to stay at.

For some reason I became suspicious about the place being closed. It was too early in the season and so I investigated and soon found a young man laying on a sofa. I was with a woman and we discussed how it could have come to be that the place was closed down. She suggested the heir mismanaged the money and we went through photos of people from long ago.

The man on the sofa stirred. We suspected he was the heir and when he woke we confronted him about a murder (putting an end to something), though at the time there was no evidence of one. As we mentioned “murder” though there was a knife (aggression, need to be decisive) in his hand and it was found that he had stabbed (sexual domination) himself in an attempt to make it look like he was attacked. I remember there was blood (disappointment) all over his chest and we discussed how he could have stabbed himself in the heart and not died.

Changes of Note

When I woke this morning the dragons in the dream were vivid in my memory and made me think of Chinese astrology. I am a Dragon, specifically a Fire Dragon. My husband is also a Dragon. Whether that is significant or not, I don’t know, but it was on my mind upon waking.

It was curious to me that the dragons in my dream appeared as one. To me that seems to indicate a union of two aspects, likely masculine and feminine. The hotel I visited was one I had been to before, in my astral memories, and I had been with my partner. It seems to fit with the two dragons and the other dream symbols suggest my dream is about success in regards to some aspect of union.

In a conversation with my husband last night he brought to my attention positive changes he has seen in me. At first I didn’t know what he was talking about but later agreed with him. Mostly, the changes in me are that I am lighter, less prone to fixating on the negative, and less resistant. I have lost interest in fighting with my husband over any subject. It is just not worth my time or energy. I choose to focus on the things that lift me up and make me feel positive. This is a conscious decision I make over and over, day after day. If I find myself angry, upset, or fixating on something, then I make a conscious choice to let it go however I need to so that I feel relief.

I have completely let go of certain things that were weighing me down. As a result my mind is quieter and I am much more at peace with my life. That which use to bring me grief and heartache (heartsickness) no longer evokes those feelings but instead leaves me feeling calm and accepting. I recognize that the source of the connection, the Divine love and friendship that once caused me to feel like an insane drug addict (lol), is ME. I am the calm, the peace, the love, the friendship, the joy that I am seeking. It just isn’t as I assumed it would be. I kept thinking it was something I had to rise to, to obtain somehow through hard work and struggle. Slowly I am finding that access is granted via allowing, acceptance, patience, and nurturing of Self. It comes with ease and grace…..and I am slowly beginning to understand how to unlock mySelf from within…if that even makes sense. lol

Ultimately it all comes down to choosing in every moment what I want to experience; making a conscious CHOICE to flow with my life rather than against it. It isn’t as hard as it looks. The only time I really struggle (somewhat) is when I come up against something that triggers me in a negative way. It can be absolutely excruciating to let that go and allow things to flow as they are meant to. Giving others….ALLOWING others to have something at what my Ego thinks is my expense is not only difficult but sometimes scary as hell! It’s the giving up of my control….but no it isn’t. That’s a lie. It is better said that I trust that all will work out for everyone involved no matter how much my Ego interprets the present situation as being a threat to it. This trust involves knowing that no matter the outcome I CAN handle it and will never be given anything I cannot bear.

Someone once tried to explain the above to me and I just didn’t get it. I do now I think. Words just don’t explain it, though. You can say, “Live from the heart” but really it doesn’t mean anything until you have taken your own personal route to the heart and find yourself in it and finally understanding.