Yesterday, I appealed to my Team of guides asking them to please spare me the emotion that has been plaguing my dreams. I heard in reply, “Would you like to see yourSelf?” I replied, “Sure I guess.” Then I hesitated and asked, “What exactly does that mean?” I didn’t get an answer other than a feeling of, “Wait and see” and a hint of humor.  I hesitated and thought about how I would likely be shown my darker side.

Later that night, as I was sitting outside listening to the crickets I wondered about it again and my guidance sent me a flash of a hideous creature that reminded me of a person wearing a mask. I heard laughter and I laughed along with them. They said, “You aren’t afraid.” I replied, “No but that was funny.” lol

Thankfully, I did not get a night full of emotionally charged dreams. Not one. However, I had dreams indicative of my current state and issues that need confronting. I didn’t wake in a very pleasant mood.

Dream: Wearing a Mask

In this dream I applied a light green facial mask and then went about my day with it still on my face. I had my youngest with me and he and I laughed about my appearance. I felt to be playing a game of sorts to see how people would react.

We went together to the apartment of a male friend of mine. I felt very happy there and visited daily. When I arrived we kissed but he commented on my mask and I laughed about it but suddenly felt self-conscious. I decided to take it off but could not find any water to do so.

After a little time had passed, my friend took me aside and told me that he thought I had been visiting too much. He basically told me that I was coming on too strongly for him, that his intentions were not the same as mine and that he needed some space. This threw me completely and I backed away from him feeling rejected. I remember thinking to myself, “Maybe I have been too needy? Maybe I want more from him than he can give me?” I felt suddenly very angry. Angry at myself for being so intense and pushy and angry at him for taking so long to tell me. I felt he had led me on, encouraging me, perhaps wanting my company and then suddenly changing his mind when he realized what it would cost him. I cuddled my son in my arms and left, thinking, “Fine. I’m done with you, then. I deserve more. Don’t expect me to come back.”

I carried my son in my arms and went to a large, black apartment building and entered despite losing my key. We took an elevator up several stories, higher than I could count. At the top I found myself in a restroom cleaning the mask off my face. Most of it had worn away on it’s own, leaving only white streaks on my forehead. The whole time I had been with my friend I had thought I must have appeared ugly to him because of it and that was why he rejected me. I was happy to wash it off. I felt clean.

Interpretation

I woke from this dream very upset and feeling as if my heart had led me in the wrong direction; that it had lied to me. I saw the mask as me lying to myself and my friend. My guidance asked me, “Did you lie?” I said, “No, not intentionally.” But in reviewing the symbolism the mask here was more to hide my imperfections, not lying to myself or others. I see it now as more of me wanting to be my best Self and failing at it. Nobody is perfect.

Dream: Warehouse Renovations

I was with a group, a sustainable living community. My task was to help clean out an old warehouse that would be converted to a greenhouse. It was pretty sparse to begin with so really it was not a difficult task. Mainly we were taking what could be reused, in this case some old, red and worn bench-type seating that could be used in the community dining area.

I entered an area where there were others sitting at a table. An Indian man (as in from India) wanted to speak to me. He told me, “We will be accommodating more families soon and so will have to make adjustments to everyone’s salaries.” I was upset at this and told him, “If we take in more families we will have to pay them and that will make everyone’s share less.” In my mind I saw $60k/yr is what would be the end result. I was angry about this. It felt unfair. I told him, “I’m not in agreement.” The Indian man stood up and I could hear his accent very clearly at this time as he said almost angrily, “Let me give you a tip”. And he took out of his pocket three $5 bills. He tucked one under a small dish and placed it on the table in front of me. Suddenly I felt like a waitress, or a server of others. The role hit me hard, like a memory. I saw the $5 bill and knew the “tip” he was giving me was not money but in fact a message. I knew he was one of my guides and that he was disappointed in me. I felt ashamed.

Interpretation

This dream woke me up as well and I was angry again. The “tip” here was what caught my attention. I knew it related to my waking life – my husband is pressing me to allow my MIL to move in with us and it upsets me to no end, so I resist it. In the dream I believe this is what my guidance is presenting me with.

Dream: A Visit with Friends

I was sitting in a living area with my friend Angela. She and I were having a discussion about counseling and spiritual matters. I cannot remember now what it was that was said but I recall she had with her items that were used to help facilitate healing. She had come to help me specifically and was giving me advice and telling me about her adventures as a group facilitator. I remember her being surrounded in warm, comforting colors and sitting on several large pillows. The set-up reminded me of India.

Then I knew it was time to go. My friend David and I were to attend an event where an important speaker was going to present valuable information to the group. The time of the meeting was 8:40pm and I had to hurry because it was 7pm. Angela left to go to another appointment and so I got into a large RV and headed toward the event location.

On the way, I ended up having to maneuver around debris in the road. I decided to get out and push the RV because I had to turn around. I checked the time and it was 8:10pm.

I ended up on foot climbing up what looked like an old fountain whose water had long been turned off. I climbed up the scallops of the fountain and saw that water was still in them. In one I saw an eel hide and I poked at it with a stick feeling it attack the stick and getting a laugh out of it. In another I encountered a very long, fluorescent yellow snake with green markings. I worried I would be bitten because I had on no shoes. Toward the end of the dream I had somehow caught this snake by accident and was trying to get him off my fishing line with no success. He kept snapping at me and I knew he was poisonous.

Interpretation

The India reference is not lost here as it turned up twice in my dreams last night. For me, India has been connected to the Kundalini and the integration of masculine and feminine. I suspect that it’s return to my dreams indicates a return to that path and focus.

The RV is a suggestion that I need to move on with some situation or aspect in life. The path to Wholeness perhaps? The dry fountain indicates the coming down from the intense “high” of a passionate relationship. The eel is difficulty holding onto things. The snake further establishes the Kundalini component. Perhaps I am afraid of it because it tries to bite me. Snakes/serpents  have come up a lot in recent dreams.

Considerations

Overall, I awoke very disappointed and pessimistic about my life. I felt that all my dreams and communications with my guidance were taking me in circles resulting in the overwhelm and emotional upheaval I have been experiencing. I realized it is all a direct reflection of mySelf – all of it. My indecision and hesitation have been sending me in circles. One day I want one thing and the next another. One day I am certain of my path, the next I’m not. My dreams aren’t to show me the right path, they will just reflect to me my current state. My guidance will not tell me what to do, they will only encourage me to do what is best for me and in this instance it is to make a decision and stick with it. I feel like I am in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation in my life. I don’t like any of my choices right now which is why I can’t seem to remain with one for very long. Something always happens which shifts me in another direction.

When this happens to me – indecision – and no one direction seems the right one, I make no changes for the time being. I need to wait until the path/decision is clear. Until then, I have to make due with where I am currently. Maybe this is wrong, but it is the only solution that makes any sense when indecision rules. Something is not in alignment for the change to be made. When it comes into alignment the path will open up and clarity will come. Nonetheless, I really hate being in this predicament.

My dreams continue to be abundant, complex, and chock full of messages and symbolism.

Dream: Aderito

I was teaching a class to two students. For some reason I thought I was teaching them Spanish. I could see a brightly lit classroom and the two students, one male and one female, sitting in front of me just behind an overhead projector. We were practicing speaking a language and I was giving them words/sentences and they would repeat them back to me. I can’t remember all that was said now but the two students began to speak among themselves in a language that resembled Spanish but obviously was not. I interrupted them because I knew enough to know they were talking about me. I thought I heard the word, “Abuelita”, so I said the word to them and they both looked at me, their faces showing their humor. I couldn’t figure out why they were referring to me as a grandmother. I kept questioning them and finally the male student said to me, “Aderito”. Still confused, I woke up wondering why I often speak Spanish in my dreams anyway and why I was being called a “granny”. Weird!

I almost forgot about the dream until I began writing a post and it all flooded back into my mind along with the correct word the two students were saying – Aderito. What was that? What does it mean? Is it even Spanish?

Well, apparently it is Italian! No wonder I was confusing it with Spanish – the two languages are very similar. And upon looking it up I found that it means “Joined” in English.

I don’t remember any part of the rest of the conversation that the two were having about me probably because I was fixated on thinking they were saying I am old. Which I am, kinda. lol Not a granny but then who knows when you are in dreamland! Hahaha

Dream: All Red

I had a dream in which I was in a house that was completely red. Everything was red. Like the whole house was painted in blood. I don’t recall the specifics now. I only remember that I was in the house with my husband.

Red – Anger, aggression, raw emotion.
House – One’s own soul and Self.

Dream: Lodge

I visited a huge log cabin. Inside the walls were made of wood paneling and the ceilings were huge round logs reminiscent of a mountain lodge. I was with a woman and we were discussing various things that made no sense and so have been lost to me now. I remember sitting and looking at the lodge. It was vast with more rooms than I could count. It was comfortable and I remember thinking, “I like it here.”

Then I was outside with the woman and saw the ranch surrounding it. There were residential cabins all around it for the workers and visitors. There were people scattered about doing various jobs. It was like a sustainable community.

I wandered to the front drive in a car and then turned around to re-enter. I was thinking, “I like it here. I would like to live here someday.”

The gate was partially closed and I ended up on a bicycle, pedaling in. I saw a school bus approaching and as I pedal in tons of children both on foot and on bicycles surrounded me. I saw a woman caretaker in the background dressed in a dress standing behind them. They said, “Is the bus coming!?” I said, “Yes, I just saw it.” I knew some of the kids went to public school while others stayed and were homeschooled. They ran toward the road but some stayed with me, so close I couldn’t move. They were full of love and I felt comforted by their presence. A tiny baby was on the ground in front of me and I worried he would be squished. One boy said, “He’s bigger than he looks. See!” And the baby got up and walked right through all the bikes.

Lodge – Feeling stuck in life.
Log – Transformation.
Ranch – Needing to take stock of your life and determine what you want.
Bicycle – Desire for balance.
School bus – About to venture on important life journey necessary for personal growth.
Small baby – Worries that others will detect your vulnerabilities.

Major changes taking place in my life at this time. I have been feeling overwhelmed and a bit lost. I have been drinking a glass of wine every night. Last night I had two. It worked. I felt extremely happy and optimistic when I went to bed. Then I couldn’t sleep despite feeling the wonderful heavy feeling from the wine. My guidance was exceptionally clear, which surprised me. I had exceptional clarity, too. I was told, “Pay attention to your dreams tonight. They will answer your questions.”

Dream: Old Crone and Present from a Friend

I recall vaguely what led up to this dream. I had deleted a playlist of music. This was done purposefully. It was a joint playlist of me and my husband. My husband was there and agreeable. We were looking at music to create a new playlist and I remember saying, “Too bad we didn’t save some of the old music. There were some good songs on there.” There were computer glitches at this time. The screen kept flickering.

The scene shifted and I was walking along a road in the mountains. It was cool and there was moisture in the air and on the ground as if it had just rained. These mountains were very lush and tropical-like with rugged outcroppings of volcanic rock. They reminded me Hawaii, though I have never been there.

I was with a female friend and had a car, though I do not recall being inside of it. We were just cresting the top of the mountain when a very old woman crossed our path. This old woman was nearly naked, with a huge stomach, very wrinkled skin, and breasts that hung so low they poked out the bottom of her dress. I remember thinking she was pregnant but then just realized she very old and ugly but I didn’t judge her for it. It was obvious she had been around a long time. I respected her for that.

She walked very slow, shuffling along on bare feet. I followed behind. Eventually she stopped and said to us, “I need to turn around.” This indicated to me that I needed to back up and allow her to do that. So I backed the car into a side street that was paved with stone. I walked along the stone and it poked my feet. When I looked down I saw the white rocks were pointy but not sharp. It was very uncomfortable to walk on.

When I turned I saw the old woman pulling one of her legs out of a very deep mud hole. I heard my friend say, “Be careful, don’t get stuck in the mud.” The mud was a yellowish-brown color and quite thick. I remember being grateful that I had not gotten stuck in it.

The scene shifted and I was walking inside of what appeared to be an art gallery. The art was made of wood and my female friend showed me one. It was curved and resembled the skeleton of a boat. I held it in my hand and saw that it was very similar to a light language symbol. The woman said, “It’s a gift. She made it for you.” She pointed and I looked and saw my friend Yvonne.

I went over to Yvonne and hugged her. I started to cry in deep, heaving sobs. Yvonne said to me, “You need a break.” As I hugged her and cried I heard, “You’re not alone.”

I woke up still crying and could not get the tears to let up. For some reason I felt I needed to look at the clock. The time was 1:11am. The song Litost was going through my head again. The part, “I’ll never be whole again” but also the part, “Bury your burdens, baby. Make them all disappear.” It took me a while to return to sleep.

Dream: Burning Forest

In this dream I was sitting in the middle of a clearing in a forest. I dropped a lit match and watched it catch fire to the fallen pine needles. It slowly spread to the underbrush and trees. I just sat there as if waiting for something. The fire began to blaze out of control. Over the top of my head and all around me I could see and hear the roaring fire. Yet I just sat there.

Then a masculine voice said to me, “You can’t stay here. You have to go now.” I saw the tops of the trees falling in flames around me. It was so close I could feel the heat of the fire. The message got through and I got up and walked out of the center of the fire.

I ended up standing outside of a building. It was like I was transported to another place in an instant. It was very dark. I couldn’t see anything. It worried me because I didn’t know where I was or what I would do to survive in this new, unknown place. I felt completely and utterly alone and that was by far the worst part.

The voice said to me, “You are safe. You are not alone.” There was conversation here about where I was; what this dark, unknown place represented. I was very lucid by this time and listening carefully to what was being relayed to me. While I listened, I heard a familiar song – Imagine Dragons, It’s Time, “This house doesn’t burn down slowly. To ashes. To ashes.”

When I woke up I had tears in my eyes again.

Changes

I start my job tomorrow. Part of me is looking forward to it and another part isn’t. I am assured by my guidance that it will be a good experience. We will see. At least the money is good.

The emotional outbursts I am experiencing are very strange to me. I had them when I was in Tennessee, too. One time hugging my friend Yvonne just like in the dream. I don’t do that kind of thing! lol I am a hide-in-my-room-and-cry person. I don’t understand, really. It is like I am grieving but at the same time as if I am exploding in an overwhelming amount of love. It feels like my heart can’t contain it and so it just floods out of me. Honestly, it reminds me of when I was pregnant. Ugh! I was a mess when I was pregnant. Always crying at the drop of a dime. I HATED it. I feel weak and pathetic when I cry and can’t stop. It is upsetting to me and so then I cry more (eyeroll). And no, not pregnant. lol

There are changes coming, some already underway. These changes (the ones I know of) do not trigger the emotional outbursts. In fact, I feel nearly emotionless regarding them. This is why the crazy crying episodes are so odd. WTF is happening to me? Who the hell knows. I am just glad I have been able to keep it together in front of people so far. Last thing I want is to go to work and someone give me a look of sympathy and then lose it right then and there. Please God don’t let that happen. lol

Pray my first day goes well. It will be an early one.

Another eventful night. What is going on? Is it just me or are others experiencing something similar? Perhaps it is the up and coming new moon in Scorpio? Preparation for new beginnings. Clearing out the old to make way for the new.

I have way more to messages/Knowing than I will have time to write about. I’m experiencing another information overload….download….whatever you want to call it. Half of the time I don’t know it is happening. Well most of my waking day I don’t notice. At night it’s another story.

Dream: 38 Special

I woke up with a start from a dream sequence about guns at around 11:30pm. I was handling all kinds of guns, looking them over and  discussing the best one to carry on my person – light, small, easy to use. I had my Dad’s Colt 45 semi-automatic pistol in my hand. It is heavy and difficult to use with a bad-ass kick that could throw your shoulder out if you aren’t careful. I put it down, knowing it was no good for me. I then looked at a Ruger 357 Magnum revolver. I knew this gun and said, “Hell no.” My ex-husband had one and I knew enough to know it wasn’t for me. The man then showed me a small revolver. It was black and compact. He gave it to me and I heard, “38 Special”.

At this time I had memories of my past seemingly hit me all at once. Each gun had a story and the 38 Special had been a gun my mom owned when she and my father were going through a divorce. It had been suggested that she have one for personal protection and I remember seeing it as a small child and then later when she showed it to me as a teenager and told me her side of the divorce drama. My Dad’s gun was found after his death stored in a locked box, loaded and cocked. The serial number was filed off of it suggesting he had not wanted it to be traced. That was just how my father was back then. The Ruger was my ex’s and the gun he took on camping and hunting trips just in case a bear showed up. He loved that gun. I don’t think I ever fired it.

1970’s Colt 45 similar to the one I have.

Returning to the dream I began to think of which gun would be best for ending a person’s life. I was told any of them would do. There was discussion then about my own life and I had a wave of melancholy wash over me. I have been considering selling my Dad’s Colt 45 but had not done it since the serial number was missing. I had been planning on buying a 9mm pistol or some other small handgun. The topic of suicide was brought up and I was reminded of the consequences of such a decision. This I knew and knew well.

The guns then disappeared and in their place were hamburger patties on a grill. I remember thinking, “WTF?” lol The man I was with was laughing and talking about the “game” and how nice it would be to just enjoy it.

I woke up hearing the song Litost. The specific lyrics running through my head were, “But if you stay. If you just stay for the night…” I was reminded to keep going, to hang on and remember my mission. Things would get better and soon. I rolled over, ignoring my guidance because I have heard this message before and their idea of “soon” is never near what mine is.

Dream: Turtle Pool

I had many other dreams but this is a vivid one. I was visiting a house that had an above ground swimming pool. The pool looked like a pond, though, with murky, brown water and even a tree growing in it. The woman who owned it said it was purposeful and pointed to two, large snapping turtles. They were enormous and swam toward the tree. I remember thinking they were a pair.

We walked around the banks of the pool and I saw another turtle in the distance. Beside it was a fawn and I pointed to it saying, “Look, it’s a baby deer!” At that moment the deer moved and morphed into a small, blonde monkey. It dashed across the island toward us and I remember thinking I had it all wrong. I became lucid then, trying to figure out the meaning of the symbols in the dream.

When I woke up I thought about the monkey and the Chinese zodiac. Just so happens 2016 is the year of the Monkey. I am a fire Dragon but I don’t know much about it other than what I have read on those place mats at Chinese restaurants. lol My idea of the monkey, though, is that they tend to make decisions without thinking first and this can get them into trouble. Sounds familiar. lol They are definitely NOT patient and wise like the turtle.

Considerations

There were other dreams, but I won’t go into detail here. My considerations regarding these two dreams are that I am surrounded in protection and being reminded to take my time regarding my current path and decisions. Slow and steady wins the race. Patience is a virtue. Don’t give up. Etc, etc.

Life reviews have been a dream pattern since my return from Tennessee. If I have vivid dreams, there is usually at least one section where my past returns to me all at once and cycles and patterns are revealed in an instant. The Knowingness that comes with it is beyond my human ability to completely digest. It is an all-pervading Knowingness that comes replete with a Divine connection to Source.

I had an eye-opening reading with Eric Starwalker (thanks Eric!) last night that I am still processing. I recorded it and plan on transcribing it in full today. I will share with you those parts that I feel are not too personal after I have had the chance to transcribe and digest all the information I was given. Overall, what I was told was good and there was tons of confirmation and validation of what my own guidance has been telling me. There was also some information I believe was meant to be passed on directly via Eric because I have been up until now unable to receive it from my guidance. I am extremely grateful to my friend Sophia for setting up the reading for me. Had she not encouraged me, it was likely I never would have gone through with it. There was information I did not want to hear so I was balking at the idea. It is interesting how Spirit takes care of these things, isn’t it?

Something energetically shifted for me last night. Unfortunately it has left me with a horrible sore throat which manifested before the reading and has not let up. I also did not sleep well, waking up at 2am, throat burning, from a very unsettling dream.

Dream: Coward

I was walking through what appeared to be a college campus. It was very clean, almost pristine, with white sidewalks and manicured gardens. My purpose was to plant a bomb and leave the scene before anyone saw me. The bomb appeared to be a sheet of paper that was folded over on itself. It would detonate slowly, spreading a toxic acid into the air which would smother those it came in contact with.

I remember running and hiding, trying not to be seen. I felt pursued but don’t recall anyone actually following me. I finally deposited the bomb into a trashcan and ran away.

At this point in the dream I saw the repercussions of my actions. I saw the people running and knew the bomb was slow and suffocating to those it made contact with. It was not quick by any means. This delay and torture was very obvious and seemed to be the main focus of my attention.

Then I was then in a room with a child who was mine but who I did not recognize. I was looking down at my left forearm which had a reddish burn on it that was spreading. The child also had it. There was discussion here. I had gotten the burns from the bomb which I held onto for too long and so the acid had burned my skin. I was trying to determine what to do next. I knew I would be caught and likely go to prison so my first thought was to just kill myself. Then I thought I would just go to prison and didn’t care if I did. It was at this point I remember thinking,”Wait a minute. This isn’t real. This is a dream. There is no bomb.”

A flood of knowingness came to me then. I knew the dream was about my life and how I have chosen a path that will slowly destroy my current life and in the end would also injure me in some way. My choices are drawing out the inevitable. This is when I heard very loudly, “Coward. Coward. Coward.”

The symbolism indicates my knowingness is accurate. The college campus represents a lesson I am learning. Running away from a pursuer is not facing or confronting my fears. Hiding indicates I am avoiding taking responsibility for my actions or life. The trashcan is unwanted baggage or rejection of an idea or emotion.  The bomb symbolizes a potentially explosive situation. The acid is something or someone that is slowly eating away at me. My injured arm symbolizes my inability to help myself or a feeling of helplessness in reaching out to others. The fact that it is my left arm means these feelings are connected to my feminine, nurturing side.

I was able to return to sleep but it was fitful and I am tired this morning. I don’t feel upset by the dream necessarily but my guidance has been close and asking me, “What will you do?” As if my mind should have been changed in the night by what transpired. I suspect the information given in my reading fueled this dream.