I went to bed early feeling very conflicted yet again. My heart was painful – shooting pains straight to the center. It started to make me worry that I may have a heart issue. Of course, as soon as I began to worry the pain stopped.

Dream: Dead Babies

I had a very odd dream in which I was with a family. There was a young man with dark hair who I recall knowing since he was a boy. He was all grown up and was being given his old horse back. I remember seeing the horse and thinking it didn’t have much life left in it. Then a young, blonde girl who was in her early teens entered the scene and the feeling was that she and the man were to be married. There was some upset, though, and the church was having to deal with massive flooding in L.A. The flooding was so bad that it flooded the crypts of a church and tons of bodies were floating about in the murky water, the bodies of babies. I saw them piled up, one on top of the other. They all looked perfectly preserved, eyes open and naked like little cherub dolls. I was horrified in the dream and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The pile was as tall as a person! They explained that there would be more bodies and that these needed to be buried. I went to help, touching one of the babies whose eyes stared at me blankly. I remember wanting to chop them into little pieces, to destroy them. It was disturbing.

When I woke up it was 5am and I was very upset by the dream, feeling it indicated that my dreams and hopes for the future were “dead”. I agonized over it for a while, feeling unable to pull myself out of the despair. I saw each dead baby as a dream that would never come to fruition. Interestingly, when I looked it the symbolism, dead babies symbolizes the end of something that was once a part of me. What that something it is, I don’t know for sure, but it upset me.

Semi-Lucid Dream: Review

Somehow I fell back to sleep and entered into yet another dream scenario. In it I was in a car with one of my ex-boyfriends. I remember being happy to see him and feeling attracted to him, wanting to stay close to him. It was not a sexual attraction, just a desire to be close. We drove to a restaurant with our friends and went to get food from the buffet line. I went with him and watched as he ordered a salad. I ordered fried fish and began to return to the table.

Only I didn’t go to the table, instead I got back in my car and drove back toward my old house along the familiar route I took more times than I can count. I was going very, very fast and feeling pretty happy. I turned the corner and saw a dark haired man on a bicycle in front of me. He was pedaling as fast as I was driving but I was catching up quickly. I swerved and then turned around to avoid him but he turned and followed me. Both of us were extremely thrilled to be flying down the hill.

Then I saw a huge, black semi-truck barreling down the road toward me. I went into the ditch to avoid it and saw it as it flew by. It was so black that I couldn’t make out any identifying features other than the grill on the front. It was like someone had covered it in soot. It was almost imperceptible and I remember thinking it should have its headlights on.

I continued on the road and as I did I began to see images and memories of men who I had been in relationships with. These men, however, were men who had wronged me in some way, who had rejected, cheated or lied to me. There was so much information and memory all at once that it was like a life review of some sort. I remembered being “wronged” by these men and how it felt, how it tore at my heart but how I blocked ever feeling the pain and instead grew angry and resentful of them. I was reminded that I am not impervious to pain; that even if I don’t allow myself to feel and process the pain, that it is there nonetheless and needs to be confronted. I had a full-on memory of a dream encounter with one of my ex’s. The dream in it’s entirety was relived. This particular ex kissed another woman in a bar and told me about it and I ended it straight away. He later emailed me to see if what we had could be rekindled, apologizing for his behavior and leaving an opening for something to develop. I sent him a pic of my family and he got angry and critical saying to me, “Oh you fell for that bullshit” –  meaning the whole get married and have kids scenario. I also remembered the ex who was married and how he was awful with communication, often going weeks without any contact. How he promised things but never fulfilled those promises and then how he expected me to just fall into his arms after months of no contact.

All the time I was re-experiencing these memories I was floating above the road I traveled countless times to my old childhood home and the country home I sold in 2014. I became lucid toward the end of this and told my guides, “I want to go back.” “Back” meaning to the scene at the restaurant. As soon as I said this I saw the scene in front of me shift and the road and surrounding trees morphed into a beautiful green slide that I went down, closing my eyes and allowing the fall to take me where it would.

I found myself in the buffet line again and went and sat down. I sat next to my ex and there was recognition that all the times I had felt an intense attraction or draw to a man that I had been hurt or rejected. This was not to remind me that it would happen again but to remind me of the impact it had on me. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Then I was very aware of being in my bed and hearing my daughter in the room. I talked to her, telling her it was okay, that she didn’t wake me. I knew I was dreaming but I had this overwhelming exhaustion that made it difficult to take charge of my dream and go OOB. Instead, I just allowed the dream scene and then woke up not long after.

When I woke up I felt 100% better than I did when I had fallen asleep at 5am. I am not sure why that is because the dream itself indicated I have issues with rejection that have not been addressed. The song “The Words” was going through my head again – “And I know, the scariest part is letting go, cause love is a ghost you can’t control….” I am a bit tired of hearing that song. What am I letting go of?

In-Between

Upon waking I felt much more heart centered and there were 12 guides around me. They said, “We are helping you.” I accepted this but there was a lot going through my mind and I kept slipping into the in-between. There was a vision of a cell phone that was completely black except the bottom which flashed 11:11. Then I had a flash of taking a pink hand towel and putting it on a towel rack in the garage. There was a short lucid dream in which I was asked for Tums and I handed the bottle to someone and heard myself say, “Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb…” like in the commercial. Finally, there was a sentence that woke me up completely. A male voice said, “We are rapists of ideology.”  That sentence woke me up. It is still bothering me because of its profundity.

Physically I have been feeling ill/lethargic. I am having digestive/stomach issues, heart pain, throat pain and headaches. Whatever I am clearing is BIG and I hope that it is over soon.

I got to sleep in until almost 9pm, so nearly 11 hours. I must have needed the sleep. I have been sleeping very deeply and unable, for the most part, to remember my dreams. I was able to remember the last dream, however, and it was quite strange.

Dream: Fireweed

I was in Alaska for some reason and inside a very large, white pick-up truck. I was sitting in the passenger’s seat and a man told me, “Put your hands on the wheel with mine.” I did as I was told, putting my hands on the right side of the steering wheel. I saw his two hands join mine at the “10 and 2” position. He said told me “We” can do this together.

The truck was going very, very fast. As I approached a main highway I saw a man inside a truck waiting for me to turn. He was waving me to go and had a smile on his face. His truck was positioned right in the middle of the two lanes of traffic. Cars were speeding by in both directions. I realized he was telling me it was safe to go and I turned left in front of him and got into the far left lane of traffic and went through the light, which I assume was green, though I never saw it.

Then I was with a group of people and being welcomed into a house. I felt that I had been away a long time, that I knew these people and had visited them before. There was a small dark-haired boy, about the age of 7, who was there. He was unable to walk on his own but was extremely smart and articulate for his age. There were also strange looking dogs with long snouts resembling something from a Sci-Fi movie. Wolf hounds or something like that, which were gray and had strange fur. They were nice, though, and did as they were told.

I went inside the house and greeted my old friends. I recognized my friend Eric Starwalker and he stayed with me most of the dream. I was hungry and thirsty and the women there were offering me food and drink.

Then I was outside on a path with a man. He stopped and said, “I see something. Hold on.” He bent over to pick it up and I said, “It’s a snake skin. That’s the same snake we saw this time last year.” He picked up a snake skin and then rustled around in the leaves and found the snake. It was a vivid red and quite fat, almost looking like a worm except it was way too big for that. We both looked at it in amazement and I noticed it was twice the size it had been last year.

The boy who couldn’t walk had been set down and was crying to see the snake. I went over and picked him up and let him see it. He was heavy but I liked holding him and wanted to keep holding him. He clung to me like a baby clings to his mom. Something was comforting about having him in my arms.

I carried the boy with me for some time. We went into the house and I sat the boy down.  At some point, my friend Eric and I had a long conversation about marijuana. He asked me how long it had been since I had smoked it and I told him 9 years. We had a long discussion then about the benefits of medicinal plants including marijuana, psilocybin and ayahuasca. I remember asking him if it was bad to include it as part of one’s spiritual practice. He told me it wasn’t bad if used properly.

Then I was sitting next to a man with dark hair who was somehow related to the young boy who I was so attached to. They were playing a game and he was showing me the characters of the game. They were inside a black box lined with a velvety material. The characters were literally characters, Light Codes, and of varying colors, and seemed magnetized to one another. The most prominent color was white but there was also blue and green. I remember wanting one of the blue ones for some reason and being fascinated by the characters. He told me, “I can teach you how to play if you like.” I was willing and felt a deep connection with the man.

I sat behind this dark haired man, very close to him with my legs up next to his. Our feet touched and then our legs and with this contact I could sense his thoughts/feelings. There was a draw here to be close to him then and I wrapped my arms around him from behind and began to kiss and snuggle his neck and shoulders.

There were messages being sent to me at this time in what appeared to be email but it was received in my mind. The message I saw was about Fireweed. It was like an information sheet and I saw the word, “FIREWEED” printed on the top and below it was a poem about the plant and its uses. My first thought was that this was about weed (marijuana) and since the email was from my friend Eric, I accepted the message as an invitation to smoke some with him, which I intended to do. The email background was entirely black and the letters were a crimson and seemed to shimmer as I read them.

Considerations

When I woke my first memory was of the little boy who was unable to walk but who was extremely smart. He liked me and clung to me and I felt very attached to him as if he was my own child. Similarly I was drawn to the dark haired man who was a relative or caretaker of this young boy. I suspect that they are one in the same and that the boy is the inner child of the man, who represented my counterpart.

I then remembered that I recently had a dream where a man had lost both of his legs. I was giving him a mediumship reading in the dream and remember he had lost his legs in battle. I suspect the loss of movement is what is being relayed by both dreams. This dream indicates that this loss of movement stems from childhood, perhaps around the age of 7.

The other interesting part of this dream is the entire discussion about medicinal plants to help one in expanding their awareness. Much of the dream was a discussion of such plants starting with marijuana and expanding to psilocybin and ayahuasca. In the dream I was very wary of using any of them and had directly asked if using them was a good idea. I was told yes and encouraged to explore them again as I had once done (well not ayahuasca). In my research of Fireweed (the Alaska state flower and a plant I am very familiar with since I lived there for over a year), I discovered that Fireweed was once used by early pioneers in ale as an intoxicating beverage that had hallucinatory potential when mixed with another plant. I never knew that! It may also be connected to the “fire” of the Kundanili and this symbolism is supported by the snake which was red and one I had seen before. The snake grew to double its size and there was reference to me finding it last year at this time. I suspect if I were to look through my blog posts from that time period I would find a Kundalini experience and maybe even a snake dream.

There was also encouragement in the dream to “take the wheel” that is my life. It was made very clear that I am not alone by the fact that another set of hands was on the wheel with mine. This message was reinforced by two songs that came to mind upon waking. They are songs I have received before as messages. The first was The Words by Christina Perri. The lyrics I heard were, “And I know, the scariest part is letting go..” The other song was by Counting Crows, A Murder of One. I was reminded of this song recently on my trip back from Tennessee. I had the idea to create a playlist of all the songs my guides have used to pass on messages to me. That song was one of the first used and has been used multiple times over the years. It was used when I lived in Alaska so it is not a surprise that it came up again after a dream of being in Alaska. This morning the specific part was, of course, the “Change, change, change” part. That is typically the message it is used to convey.

The last couple of nights have been full of dreams. Just last night I had so many I lost count. This post is for documenting some of these dreams for future reference.

Painting

In one dream I was painting a picture of a person. I was filling in a drawing with a skin-like color for the person. I mixed the colors and made the skin darker than my own. I don’t know who I was painting but he/she was definitely tan compared to me. I was receiving instruction on painting and sitting at a round, white table. I remember getting up to toss out my paint water and I tossed it in a sink and the water splattered a bit. A woman advised me to ask permission first. She didn’t see the mess I had made and I felt bad that I had not asked before tossing my water. I went back to my table to paint and put my brush into the water to rinse it. The water turned a vivid yellow when it had been a murky brownish color. I remember thinking that it wouldn’t matter on the painting but then I saw the yellow and thought I had made a mistake.

Shower

I was in a stall that resembled a bathroom stall but it was very obviously a shower stall. My mother-in-law was in the adjacent stall and when I got into the shower she offered me a pretzel. After my shower, I took a pretzel shaped like a handgun from her.

Mammogram

I was in a very modern-like home – all white and clean. My sister was there and she was talking about getting a mammogram. My mom was in this conversation, too. My mom said she had found a lump in her breast and told the doctor who had not seen it. Turned out the lump was benign but the doctor made her go through all kinds up upset to find out the results. The advice was to trust my intuition and to not allow fear to rule my decisions/thoughts. My mom said had she not been afraid of what might have been she would have made the decision to not over analyze the mammogram screen and would never have told the doctor to begin with, saving herself lots of misery.

Party

At the same house I sat down at a computer my sister had on her lap. It resembled a computer device for a child with bright colors and a bumper around the edge. The name of the user was an “Abd” word. In my mind I was thinking abacus, like for math. I remember thinking that it was a strange name and laughing about it. Now I wonder if it said, Abdicate.

There was a fuss over me in this dream, like there was a celebration or meeting or party specifically for me. I remember seeing people outside the window and knowing I was the reason they had come. I was standing in the room with a mother figure and looked up. I saw a white ceiling fan and where the light should have been was a large bird’s nest. A very tiny, black bird was flying around. It was so cute and I watched it as it seemed to practice flying. I then saw two other tiny birds and then the mother, who was a large, black bird with shiny feathers. I watched them, fascinated and pointed them out to the woman I was with. Then I saw the nest catch fire from underneath. Flames were licking the bottom of the fan and the birds were flying around oblivious to the fire. I thought about how the fire was why they were evacuating the nest. They had to learn to fly or they would be consumed.

I went outside to the party. I remember seeing white tables with people and a wooden porch that was elevated a bit off the ground. I walked up the steps and a group of people saw me and were waving, smiling and heckling me. This was when I realized I was inside a very large costume of some sort. It felt like I had a bubble around me and I could feel the over-sized hands of the suit. One man had laughed at me and I tried to flip him off but the fingers of the suit were so large that I had trouble controlling them. I was able to do it though and everyone, even me, got a good laugh out of it. I remember seeing my ex-father-in-law lounging in the corner with a beer. There was discussion about how well he had done for himself in his life (career-wise). Specifically about how he had managed to make a good living without ever having gone to college. There were several others who had done the same thing. There was mention of how it was time to rest for a job well done.

I remember mentioning the tiny black birds and describing them as baby chickens but with the wings of a bird and all black. Cute like that. I was fascinated still with the birds. They were seemingly immature yet able to fly perfectly. I referred to them as “swallows”.

Short Shopping

I was in a store shopping for shorts. I stood at a rack with some other women looking for my size in a pair of fairly short blue jean shorts. I saw most of the rack were size 5 but I kept looking for size 6. I selected a pair but then saw another I liked and went to it. This pair was a longer, meant for hiking or some kind of outdoor sport because it was that breathable, loose material. I selected a size 6 right away but never put them on.

Symbolism

• Painting – I need to express my creative side more.
• Yellow – Fear or inability to make a decision.
• Shower – purification, renewal, cleansing.
• Pretzel – preoccupation with a particular issue and indecision on how to handle it. The fact that it is shaped like a gun suggests that I feel my indecision is harmful to me.
• Mammogram – doubting my own feminine power. Good advice is given here – trust my intuition.
• Computer – information.
• Abdicate – Still not sure on the “abd” word. If it is abdicate it means “surrender” or “let go”.
• Swallow – purity, renewal, never-ending joy and fresh beginnings.
• Fan – Refers to changes in life, suggestive of calming down after an emotional outpouring.
• Fire/burning nest – there is a situation that can no longer be avoided.
• Costume – not being completely honest with myself. Projecting an image to others that is not true of Self.
• Shorts – ready to reveal more about myself and be more open.
• Number 6 – relates to problem solving and the need for stability in all areas of life.

Before bed last night I asked to know what was in my future.

Dream: House Renovation

I had a very in-depth dream about renovating a house. It was not a familiar house but resembled an older Craftsman home. There had been an addition at one point of a bedroom that had been later renovated into a large, walk-in pantry or closet.

In the beginning of the dream, my computer ran out of battery. What is funny is that the computer is a desktop so no battery needed. It was plugged in alongside three other computers but this one, mine, was dead and needed to be recharged. I was upset about this but recall seeing the blue light turn on and using another computer instead of mine for the interim. The computer sat in a shallow pan of water while it charged, too. It was really strange. I had on a large headset and was plugged into one of the other computers. It reminded me of an information stream via music. I don’t recall hearing music but the feeling was that this was my “lifeline”.

Then my husband, who I never quite got a good look at, was inviting a neighbor into the house to help renovate the peeling plaster and other areas. The main focus was this closet. It had very tall ceilings and the top two feet had been plastered wrong and was coming off in chunks. It had also only been painted halfway and old, brown carpet covered a four foot by five foot section leaving the rest of the floor bare. The walls in the hall were also only partially painted with tape up as if someone had been interrupted while painting. The color of the hall was a vibrant blue.

Soon there were several neighbors coming inside to help. I was focused on my children and ignored them for the most part. I remember wearing my pajamas and not caring about my appearance. At one point I lay down in the bed and felt I needed to justify my actions to one of the neighbors by saying, “I’m tired.” There was quite a bit of movement and work being done on the house.

I went back into the closet and one of the neighbors was up in the corner removing plaster. He said someone had used the wrong sponge and it was all dried out. The room had been cleared of all objects and I remember thinking a shelf was going to be put that went along the top of the room. I began to tear up the carpet. There was this cable that was sticking out of the floor. It appeared to go down into the basement. I pulled on it and it seemed to want to come all the way out. I left it alone, though, as I was afraid it was connected to something important.

Then I was standing in the bathroom talking to a man who I assume was one of my guides. We were inspecting the walls and I told him, “I want all the plaster replaced with drywall. I hate the plaster and it will just peel and crumble.” The man asked me if this was a good idea especially since I would likely be moving in the next couple of years. I thought about it, as if his comment about the time period triggered a memory of something.

I began to gain lucidity at this point and the dream kind of blacks out. The last thing I recall is hearing a man say to me, “All I want to hear from you is that you love me.” This woke me up straight away. My heart was warm and there was a brief shot of energy to my root and up again. That’s when it occurred to me that this dream was in response to my question.

Interpretation

It appears that my future holds a lot of work on myself.

• Renovating – looking at life from a new perspective.
• Battery – since it is dead I am feeling emotionally exhausted.
• Computer – information.
• Closet – something in life I have kept hidden from myself and/or others.
• Plaster – there is a matter I am trying to resolve or settle. I wanted it gone and was fixated on it in the dream because it was peeling and crumbling.
• Drywall – a desire for privacy.
• Bathroom – purification and self-renewal.
• Carpet – self-protection and/or life foundation, the carpet is brown and old/worn. Brown indicates practicality, domestic bliss, material comfort.
• Paint – expression of inner emotions.
• Blue – truth, wisdom, heaven, devotion, tranquility, openness.
• Cable – stamina; since it is linked to something deeper then likely so is my stamina.

When I woke the feeling was that I want to reformat my life; renovate it but I don’t feel like I have the energy or information to do what needs to be done. There is a very strong apathetic feeling in regards to my life situation.

Self-Love

The last statement which woke me up triggered an entire inner dialogue about self-love. It also triggered a mind vs. heart conflict, one that has been on-going for some time. I asked my guides, “Why can’t things just be consistent?” The answer was that it would be if I would just stay in my heart. But what my heart tells me seems to trigger tons of negative self-talk. I was asked, “Don’t you deserve to be happy?” And this is when the self-love came into the conversation.

I was asked by my guidance, “If this was one of your children, what would you do?” Hahaha Well of course I would help them get what they wanted in any way I could. I want them to be happy.

It became very clear to me then that I was not treating myself the way I should. If I treated myself like I treat one of my children, if I loved myself the same as I love them, there would be no inner conflict. I would follow my heart and be done with it.

This brought up a whole string of beliefs for inspection. Beliefs about love. Beliefs about relationships. Beliefs about happiness. These are all born in the mind. The heart doesn’t have beliefs, it just has love and the potential to create love. After being overwhelmed by all my beliefs I was kinda wishing my brain would be wiped clean so that I could follow my heart without constant interference. Spiritual lobotomy? lol