Tag Archives: dream symbolism

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Dream Themes: Owls and Dogs

 

I am still recovering from my last illness. It just lingers and lingers. Thankfully I do not feel ill, just annoyed to have random coughing episodes. My daughter and sons are also still coughing every once in a while, so I know it is just the illness lingering and not something more severe.

My husband is still out of town but plans to return by the 19th. I am looking forward to a break from being a single parent to three children, especially during the holiday season (Halloween, Thanksgiving and part of Christmas).

I suspect single parenthood is part of the reason I keep getting sick. Too much going on, not as much sleep, higher stress levels – just go, go, go all the time! Being on the go is part of my personality and natural rhythm but I also need time to unwind and de-stress, which I have not really gotten, at least not in the amount I prefer.

Meditation to Balance the Masculine and Feminine

I purchased a book called The Art of Making Sex Sacred. I have only read the first chapter but did a meditation from it that produced a bit of insight. The meditation focuses on the masculine and feminine sides of the Self. Each aspect brings forth information to help balance the two within.

I have done the meditation twice now, once last night and once this morning. The first time I didn’t have much success, probably because my kids were awake and making lots of noise. I was able to get a visual of the two aspects. The male aspect looked like a man but had on some kind of large mask. The female was dressed all in white. This morning I saw these visuals again. I could not see what the mask looked like which bothered me but the male was completely naked. I think the female wore a mask too and she was still dressed in all white, like a flowing gown.

I asked how I could bring my masculine and feminine more into balance. I knew that the masculine is often the dominant one in my personality and I felt that I needed to listen and allow the emotional, creative feminine to express herself more. I was taught to be a strong, independent woman, to distrust men, and that emotion is weakness. Then I got a moving visual of people singing and dancing. I even heard the music to an extent. It was drums I think. I knew the answer was to get my body moving. They call it ecstatic dance, which I had done once before.

So, yesterday, I opted to do a quick ecstatic dance, or dancing meditation. I searched YouTube and found one online that I really liked.

The woman really drew me in and the experience I had indicated that it would be good to continue to practice ecstatic dance at least once a week, maybe more. I felt a tiny release of emotion, mostly relief mixed with sadness, while I was dancing. It reminded me of the last time I participated in ecstatic dance – when I went to Tennessee in 2016.

Dream Themes Continue

I continue to have very vivid dreams and have been seeing a repeat of certain themes since the last dream theme of 12. Usually, when I recognize a theme is present and acknowledge the message it brings, the theme stops. This is what happened with the 12 theme and has also happened with the owl theme thus far. The dog theme has been on-going this month, though, and continues to recur. This could mean I have not yet grasped the meaning of the theme yet.

Dream: Early Ceremony

I was inside a house with a classmate from high school. I also recall another person being there who told me my ceremony (recognition for accomplishments) would be held early. I was given a necklace (a relationship) made of gold with a circle (wholeness, cycle of life) pendant. Inside the pendant was a single diamond (strength) that could be moved up and down. I remember holding it and showing my classmate but not putting it on. An entire speech was said prior to me getting the necklace but I can’t recall it now.

I then talked to my classmate asking her how it felt to be 48 years old. I somehow concluded that I was 47 and about to turn 48. It felt like the month of July for some reason. Not sure if there is significance to this dream but I suspect the message was that something important would occur prior to my 48th birthday.

Owl Theme: 12/7-8/19

Dreams: Owls

In the beginning of one dream I was walking down a path and interacted with various people and objects. In one part I was taking photos of flowers – one was a large sunflower(prosperity). In another part I was looking at owls (wisdom, intuition, psychic gifts) and other animals. I don’t remember much about the rest of this part now.

Then I had a dream of being with my BIL and his family visiting a very nice house for sale in AZ. The house (soul) was a hotel and cost $6 million. The owner was giving us a tour and I was walking through it talking about how nice it would be to own this house in the mountains. The house was like a maze (difficulties and setbacks), though, full of very elaborate furnishings and expensive things. Outside on the veranda was a large body of water that I later discovered was a pool. It was my favorite part.

I got separated from the family and so got lost and had to find my way back to them. I remember seeing the house from above. It was positioned on a plateau with many acres and was the grandest house in the area.

Then we were with my BIL’s family going on a vacation to AZ.  We drove along a dirt road. Cliffs were high on either side with partially built houses in them. We came to an opening and there was a lake on both sides with more houses along it’s banks. One was a huge chateau built into the stone along the lake. The water was very low but blue and clear (positive emotion). I remember mentioning how the road would likely flood when the water got high.

We were going to take a dirt bike tour and I was looking at the cost – $350 or something. We got out of the car and walked a while and my BIL (masculine aspect), who was very dirty, jumped into the water to clean off only the water was very muddy (clouded emotion). I remember seeing an option to go visit the cave dwellings and mentioned doing that before the dirt bikes that would be at 1pm. I also said we could do it the next day. My BIL had to be back to work by Monday, so that didn’t happen.

Then the dream shifted and I was with my Mom at a ranch somewhere in west Texas. We were talking about buying it. I remember saying the mountains were perfect – not too high or too low. The people who previously owned the ranch had animals. I remember she had a baby owl that she raised to adulthood. It flew onto my arm and it looked to have cat (feminine sexuality) ears. I recall being shown it was raise along side a Cougar (feminine desire) and they played roughly together. Very odd!

Dog Theme: 12/10/19

Dream: Peeing Dog

The start of the dream was outside near a pool (cleansing) that was so green with algae (risks, unforeseen problems) that it looked more like a pond. There were people swimming in it and I remember thinking of how difficult it would be to clean the pool. I was also concerned that the pool was toxic. I can’t remember if I was in it or not but amidst the pool memories I recall being in my old bedroom at my moms, the room I occupied while I was in high school.

Then I was walking a dog (protection) that resembled my dog Trooper. We went into a house or apartment that I knew was the home of a my friend Yvonne. My dog suddenly acted like he needed to poop and decided to stop near Yvonne’s sofa table. I tried to pull him off the white, furry rug but he squatted and began to poop anyway. What came out was not poop, though, but a stream of clear water (clear emotion). He then decided to walk as he pooped/peed and left a trail of the stuff across the living room. I could hear Yvonne in the other room teaching a class so I tried to be quiet as I cleaned up as much of the mess as I could. I remember the pee smelled odd. It didn’t smell like poop or pee. I hoped Yvonne wouldn’t notice as I took my dog out of the home quickly.

Note: The next morning my friend Yvonne had tons of posting on Instagram and one was about a walk-in meet-up next summer. Yvonne rarely posts on Instagram and this was the first post I had seen in over a year. Coincidence? Not likely! Similarly, the ecstatic dance coincides with Yvonne and the walk-in group as well. Ha!

Dream: Shifting Dog

In this dream I was driving somewhere along a highway (path in life) when I noticed my dog chasing my car and not giving up no matter how fast I drove. Worried he would exhaust himself or get run over, I pulled off onto the feeder road and stopped the car. At this time he morphed from an Aussie into a tiny wiener dog (be persistent, don’t dally). I stuffed him into my coat and then got into my truck (hard work) where I put him in the tiny back seat.

Then I drove and drove until I reached a very busy highway intersection with ramps that went very high into the air (ascending spirituality). It felt like a hub of some sort. I was looking at a GPS as I walked around trying to decide which ramp to take. Somehow I lost my car and was on foot but I don’t remember when this happened.

I began to walk up a very steep ramp along with many other people. My dog was with me in my arms. As I walked the GPS said, “Take ramp 2” and then said, “Recalculating” indicating that I had taken the wrong ramp. I remember thinking, “I can’t back up on a one-way ramp” but then realizing I was on foot (my individual path) and I could turn around and go back. I walked a bit back toward the bottom and then tried to jump over to ramp 2 when I saw a large space between the two ramps and a drop far down to the ground that would kill me if I fell. So I continued to walk down further. I climbed over the rail (barrier to progress) to get to ramp 2 without any issue. Someone commented that it was unusual to jump over the rails and I responded that I had to get over there.

Then my dog was loose, the wiener dog, and an older couple was reacting with surprise. I went after him and he morphed into a tiny baby (new ideas, new potential) and jumped into the space between the ramps that should have been a drop but instead was water. I watched as the baby floated in the water for a little while feeling at first like I couldn’t move to go rescue him. Then I felt able to move and swooped in and picked him up. I asked him why he jumped in and he said, “So you could rescue me.”

The dream continues with me walking up the correct ramp. I saw a mother and her daughter discussing the many places to visit in the city the ramp led to. I saw a map with various colleges and the daughter pointed to a stadium at a college saying she was going to visit. I commented that I would never attend such a big university in a big city like that – too many people and I don’t like people very much.

Then I recall being inside a building where there were many people milling about looking at various pamphlets for colleges and universities in the area. Along the sides of the room were people sitting at desks with PCs. I remember noticing that others in my group were absent and then remembering that they were on their college day and that I had taken my day the day before.

Considerations

Overall, my dreams seem to be pointing at me doing more inner work and healing. Along with the illnesses I have been dealing with it could be that I am undergoing a massive physical and emotional clearing in preparation for something to come.

The dog symbol could be a reminder to stay protected or that I am protected. The dogs that morph go from a dog in my past to an unknown dog to a baby. This in itself seems to point to clearing up issues from the past, seizing the moment and “rescuing” ideas and potential that may have been lost or forgotten.

The owl has long been my totem. I have had real-life encounters with the Great Horned Owl throughout my life but most of my encounters have been in dream time since my awakening. I find it curious that I saw the owl as having “cat ears”. My guess is I was seeing a Great Horned Owl who looked to have cat ears. Also, cats tend to be a common theme of mine indicating feminine power and sexuality. So perhaps I am being advised to listen to my intuition and dreams (owls) and stop denying my feminine power (cats)?

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Dream Theme: 12

I’ve been slowly recovering from my most recent illness. I have a lingering cough along with mild fatigue that is most noticeable when I try and do any form of exercise. Every day I feel a tad bit better, though, which is good!

Not long ago I had a strange sensation that hit me when shopping. This was over the Thanksgiving break and I had hoped to get some Christmas shopping done, only I was feeling really tired and kinda out of it. While shopping I suddenly had this strange sensation that began in my right groin area and then spread out along the top of my thigh. It felt like I had wet myself – warm and wet. I looked down and nothing was there. I touched it to make sure it wasn’t wet – it wasn’t. It went away quickly so I forgot about it but it returned later on and then one more time after that.

That evening my right ankle started hurting for no reason. I thought it must be sciatica so I did some stretching but it only exacerbated the problem causing the pain to increase.

The ankle pain and the weird, warm, wet sensation are likely related. I am thinking it is nerve related. The wet warm feeling was so real! It really did feel like I wet myself! Each time it happened I thought I must be losing my mind. lol Thankfully the feeling has not returned and the ankle pain is gone, too.

Dream Theme: 12

For the past week I’ve been having random dreams, most of which I barely recall. When I do remember a dream, though, it usually has the number 12 in it. At first I didn’t think much of it until I had another dream with the number in it this morning. Afterward, on the way to work, I was thinking to myself, “I wonder if the number 12 has anything to do with the 12-12-12 gateway coming up? Hmmm, I bet it does…” As I looked up with this thought fresh in my mind I saw the car in front of me.

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It caught my attention and so I quickly snapped a photo to remind myself that when the Universe answers it does so in very obvious and synchronistic ways!

Now on to the dreams….

Dream, November 30th – Surrogate to Twins 

I had a long dream about being pregnant (new potential waiting to be born) with twins. I was not showing but reporting to the hospital to be induced. I knew that my twins – a boy and girl – would be going to two different families, adopted out, and I was a surrogate (giving of self for others). For some reason an old friend was there with me. I remember talking to him about the upcoming delivery as I waited for the doctor who never came. Turns out I was not meant to arrive until later, on the 12th. I also remember my hospital room number being 12.

My friend told me about how he got his heart broken and how difficult it has been for him to let anyone in ever since. In the dream I was like “Oh that makes so much sense” but now it is hard to recall exactly why I thought this. When he told me his story I saw it play out as if watching his memory unfold.

When it was time to leave, my friend helped me carry the things I had packed. I had in my hand folded clothing (projection of self, how one see’s self) in stacks. There was too much for one person to carry.

Then I was crossing over the hill toward my mom’s house. I was trying to pick veggies as I did but ended up needing help. My hands were holding a cord that was strung over the top of the road and I was hanging from it as I crossed. Someone helped me pull asparagus (erotic desires fulfilled) which I was intent on getting. The asparagus was much bigger than it should be, though.

Dream: Return to Haunted House

In this dream I was inside a house watching a young boy get an erection and have sex with a girl. I remember being shocked and saying, “He’s too young to do that!” Someone (me I think) informed me that he was 12 years old, so not too young.

As the dream progressed I realized I was the 12 year old boy’s twin (duality, two parts of whole) sister and he had been having sex with me. Very odd!

Throughout the dream there was a back story about my dog (protection, fidelity) being very ill. I was watching him, waiting for him to die, when I realized he may only need a drink of water. So I offered him some water and he drank it and slowly began to revive. I was surprised at how stupid I had been to not realize he was just really dehydrated.

Then I was talking to a man, my father I think, about returning to a house that was haunted to investigate and see if I could communicate with the ghost there. I went and watched from the outside for a while, then went inside. Others were with me and I recall going down into a lower level (subconscious) that was adjacent to a pool (cleansing, rejuvenation) that was outside. I went to use the bathroom (cleansing, seeking relief) and it was all set up so that someone could use the bathroom when swimming. I remember using the bathroom and then going to a table in the middle of the basement where a chocolate cake (pleasure) was being cut. I spoke to an older man about how he was selling pieces of cake on Amazon and how he hired a chef to cut the cake and mail out the pieces. I thought this seemed off but accepted it.

Then everyone was gone and I was outside the haunted house looking at it. It was getting dark and I was feeling a bit afraid so I sat in a chair across from an old abandoned mechanic shop. I began to sing in Light Language and as I did it was as if time reversed and the house was like new again as was the shop. I saw a young woman come out of the house ranting and raving. I walked up to her still singing in LL and she responded to me, looking at me and smiling. We got into good communication then and I recognized her as a friend. Not sure what we talked about now but it felt like I was freeing a trapped Spirit, probably a part of myself. 🙂

Lucid dream: Broken Motorcycle

In this dream I was inside my house watching a child who was about 6 years old. Her parents were going to pick her up in the morning. I asked her when her bedtime was and she said, 6:30pm. She was only suppose to stay for 3 hours and I remember thinking it must be they thought two hours before bed and one in the morning. I asked her which bed she wanted to sleep in and she said my daughter’s.

There was a whole sequence about the girl waking up and wanting to play with my kids and then her parents picking her up. I opted to go to work early and found myself driving along a familiar road at 6:30am. This is when I became lucid in the dream.

Realizing it was too early I got the idea to pick up something for breakfast. I drove into a parking lot (delay) that was dimly lit and full of cars. I looked for a parking place and saw some shady young people, thugs, who began to follow me around. So I opted to just leave but the button that turned on my motorcycle (need for escape and adventure) would not turn it on. I began to fiddle with it and it broke off in my hand. The thugs were close and asking me what was wrong. I said the starter was broken but I pedaled it like a bike (taking a journey alone, independence) and left the area.

Then I was walking along a stone sidewalk next to some water. It reminded me of Venice. I saw some young people sitting on a pier and began to talk to them. I decided to take off all my clothes (projection of self) and jump in the water but with every layer it seemed there was another under it. I did get into the water and went up to a guy and his girlfriend. I kissed the guy and the girlfriend looked shocked. I laughed and left, reassuring her.

I kept walking and saw another couple up near a stone bridge. I went up to them and they were huddled together doing something. Curious, I asked them what they were doing and both had small stringed instruments and were playing music. I said it looked cool, turned around and saw a man watching. I went up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, laughing.

Then I noticed a woman up on the bridge. I went up to her and recognized her. She was quite thin with dark hair and bright red lipstick on. She was upset and I hugged and kissed her, pulling her close to me trying to comfort her. I remember trying to take off my clothes again but never succeeding for the same reasons as before.

Then I was walking through a library (wisdom). I remember knowing I was looking for someone, someone who I resonated with. I saw lots of normal looking people and began to search their faces in hopes of finding someone who I had a connection with. Unfortunately I found none. Someone spoke to me asking me if maybe I should have been a man. It seemed like I was being given a choice to change genders. I laughed and said, “No way! I love the female body!” I remember thinking that the male body was generally unattractive and I would never want to give up the beautiful body I had in exchange for a masculine body.

Considerations

I find it interesting that both dreams that involve the number 12 also involve twins. My best guess is that the message about the 12th has to do with another aspect of myself or maybe becoming “whole” again. The sense I have about the number 12 is that it is merely a heads up of something to come. I am happy to wait and see what that something is.

The final dream was very lucid and I seemed to be on a mission to find someone who I felt a connection with. At first I was just kissing random people but eventually I remember deciding that I would have to be observant and patient to find what I was looking for. Perhaps that in itself was the message and lesson of the experience?

Finally, I did not mention there was another dream in between these three. In it I was released from prison. There was much symbolism in the dream but the main message seemed to be that I was soon to be “freed” from a trap/prison of some sort.

In the past I have had dreams of being in prison so it was refreshing to finally have a dream where I was being released from one!

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Dream “Shake-Up”

I felt unsettled last night. I kept waking up and when I did sleep it was quite light.

Dream: Shake-Up

In this dream I was with a few other people inside a large building that housed an empty indoor pool. My memory is hazy but I was being asked to hurry and go with them back to school, but I turned around and told them I had to get something. I ran across the empty pool, from the deep to the shallow end, and went inside a room. The room looked to be a bedroom and I thought of it as the room of my sister. My intention was to go through her stash of snacks.

When I got to her dresser and opened the drawer I started grabbing snacks by the handful, specifically looking for chocolate. I recall seeing a bag of cigarettes. The boxes were completely white with no markings but I knew that was what they were. I left them alone, took a bunch of sugary snacks and left.

I recall the walk across the empty pool took longer than I expected. It was enormous! As I got to my friends waiting on the deep end they pointed behind me. When I turned and looked I saw two people coming out of the back door I had just come through. I knew to hurry up and get away from them. For some reason one of them, the man, felt like the principal and I felt like I had done something wrong.

When I reached the other side a female friend and I began to walk along a sidewalk. She spoke to me about all the classwork I had missed and would need to make up. I responded that I thought that I could make it up since I had been sick. She seemed to indicate that I was faking and I told her, “Well I am back now aren’t I?” I remember that I had come back to school after being gone for a very long time – months maybe. The assignment we were talking about came into my mind as a visual of popcorn. It was odd.

At one point the woman got upset with me. She put her hands on my shoulders and began to shake me while saying, “You need to stop prostituting yourself!” The shaking was vigorous but what she said is what got my attention the most. I woke up.

When I woke I felt weird. I was laying on my left side and so turned to lay on my back. It seemed to me like the shaking was a warning that my guidance cannot do anything to help me if I don’t help myself. My heart was skipping beats and I think I was feeling residual energy and vibrations at the same time. It was not a comfortable feeling so I got up to use the bathroom, got back in bed and tried to settle down.

Also, there was another shaking episode before this but I don’t remember anything except the sense of being shaken.

Dream: Hospital Treatment

I entered into another dream where I found myself inside a hospital waiting to see the doctor. There was memory of recently having gone through a procedure related to my heart. I remember hearing people discussing my case but can’t recall specifics. I felt somewhat out of it, like in a daze – how I suspect someone would feel who just got told they had a terminal illness. All I wanted to do was find a bed and go to sleep.

I lingered near a shelf full of pills and vitamins and picked up a large bottle. I remember thinking it was massive and was what the doctor had prescribed me. I also knew I would have to take them the rest of my life. The bottle ended up empty except for two pills – one was a multi-mineral pill (large and speckled) and the other looked like a B-complex (small and yellow). I actually spit them out into the bottle after it seemed like I had taken the entire bottle of pills at one time.

A woman called to speak to me about a future appointment on the 22nd. She was a counselor and had been away on vacation but was returning and reminding me of our Tues appointment at 3:15. She asked if I would be there and I told her I had a dentist appointment at 3:30.

Considerations

The first dream is the one that sticks with me the most. Not only did I physically feel the woman shaking me but what she said bothers me. What does “prostituting” ones self mean in a dream context? Was she suggesting that I am giving away my power? Or was it literally about me using my body as a means to gain from my husband a false sense of security? Probably both. Typical of my guides to just say it like it is but to shake me, too. Damn!

The empty pool means feeling devoid of emotion or it might indicate that past mistakes will not be repeated. It can be also that the cleansing or healing “pool” has dried up. The sweets are me focusing on the good things in life or seeking them out. Cigarettes are sources of toxicity in my life. Thankfully, I choose to leave them. The popcorn represents good fortune or a windfall. My missing school and pretending to be sick, indicates I am avoiding something or that my symptoms have been self-created to avoid something – the windfall perhaps?

In the second dream I am being told some important news about the state of my “health” in this case most likely spiritual but it could also be physical. This could be a worry dream as well. The pills are problem solving and the struggle to resolve one or more issues. The appointment could be symbolic of the conflict I am experiencing – get counseling (work on myself) or go to dentist (handle problems first).

Crazy, Bi-Polar Energy

All I can say about the energy since August is WTF Universe? I had one day – ONE DAY – where I felt good and optimistic and now it seems like the energy is shifting up, down, up, down, and even sideways.

Yesterday, it felt like the energy was literally pushing me, like forceful, but toward what? I have no idea but it came with that feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. Yay – love that feeling…not. Then towards evening it all just calmed down and leveled out.

This morning after being shaken twice in the night and having the above dreams I felt slightly anxious, but it settled within a couple of hours after waking. The energy feels lower today, like it is heading into another build-up.

This is what I perceive about all this crazy bipolar energy that wants to PUSH. It reminds me of the energy in 2016, actually. It is saying, “Clean your shit UP!” And those of us (like me) who hate cleaning or have been in avoidance all this time or distracted by life are feeling the push the most.

I like to think I have my shit together when it comes to my life path/mission, but I don’t. My guidance likes to remind me to “follow the 8 Winds (of Buddhism)” and they recently nudged me again. I have been learning all about how to not seek out pleasure and I think I have learned that lesson pretty well since 2015 (pats self on back), but it occurred to me that I am failing at the other half, which is to NOT avoid pain and discomfort. It isn’t saying to jump head first into pain and discomfort, just to be open to experiencing it. I think I might be the Queen of avoidance of anything painful and uncomfortable. My guidance has their work cut out for them.

Probably why they are shaking me……

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OBE: Flooding

It’s been cold here in Texas with temperatures dropping overnight, the high’s went from the 90’s to the 50’s. Typical for Texas Fall weather but always a shock when it happens.

Thankfully, the cooler weather makes perfect running weather. My husband and I took a nice, easy, 3.2 mile run together and I experienced no heart speed-ups or panic. I felt wonderful afterward. 🙂

In general I’ve been feeling much better than I was in August and September. I’m sleeping really well and my dream experiences have been mostly positive. I have had two Kundalini-type dreams, too. I have not written about them because they were nothing special, but wanted to mention it anyway because it seems related to the recent shift in energy.

Last night was a busy night dream-wise. I blame the full moon.

Dream: Spiked Fuel

I was at an unfamiliar house. My sister, her son and my mom were there. My sister was letting her son stay home from school. He was pretending to be sick and she was making a fuss over his “illness”.

At some point I was watching as my cousin, my sister’s husband, came to drive them home. I watched as he put whiskey or some similar alcohol into the tank of the car and then he drank some of the spike fuel. I remember knowing he was drinking excessively and practically drunk all the time. It worried me and I wondered if he would get sick, but he didn’t. They ended up driving away in the vehicle, leaving their son behind.

Lucid Dream: Addicts

I woke up briefly. Thoughts of the previous dream were going through my head. I was wondering if it was a message to be on alert for addictive behavior. My sister and her husband have both struggled with drug and alcohol abuse, so it wouldn’t surprise me.

I entered into a dream where I was watching celebrities deal with their addict spouses. In one scene I watched Brad Pitt sitting in a limo, his wife on the opposite side of the car. He was listening to his wife tell him she was sorry and how she would fix it, etc. I was hovering nearby and whispered to him as he was about to speak to her, “Wait. Don’t let her manipulate you again.” He stopped and looked at her. She looked back and the silence between them was deafening. I put my hand on her shoulder and told her I understood. I wondered if she could feel me.

In another scene I watched as Madonna got off a van with another woman. She immediately took the woman’s hand and walked proudly beside her through a crowd of reporters. Again, I knew the issue was addiction and that Madonna was standing beside this woman, supporting her and showing the world through her actions.

OBE: Flooding

I became aware of laying in my bed on my back. I could feel how relaxed I was. I thought, “I want to go OOB.” Then I waited for the vibrations to come, which they did. Several times I had to remind myself, “Not yet” before the vibrations were just right for exit. Then I sat up out of my body.

My vision and perceptions were immediately available to me. I noticed the room was well lit and went directly to the door and out into the hallway. The lights were on downstairs and I could hear my family talking. I went to the stairs and jumped down. I could feel the sensation of falling, which was a surprise. When I landed I saw my youngest crawling around on the living room floor. He was still a baby and was wearing funny little glasses that looked to have a price tag on them. He saw me and crawled toward me. I remember thinking, “I must have gone to the past. Wow!”

I turned around to see my family whose voices I could still hear in the background. I saw my daughter and other son just as they appeared around 2014.

Rather than become distracted by the indoor scene, I walked past my son who was still crawling around happily on the floor, and went out the front door. Outside it was bright but the scene was very different than reality. My attention went to the ground which at first resembled a swamp. I remember saying, “It’s a swamp!” I slowly flew around looking down at it and then decided to look at my hands and said, “I need more clarity.” Then I said to my Higher Self, “Show me what I need to see.”

I continued to fly forward and look around. Where my front yard would normally be was high water flowing swiftly and separated by tufts of long grass. It looked like what happens when the water level rises and flood a normally dry area of land. As I looked in front of me I saw people in vehicles driving through the water. By this time the water was so high that all I could see were the tops of the cars, the water stopping just under the windows.

Unconcerned about what I was seeing, I began to fly further out, touching the water with my toes and noticing it was cold. Around this time I began to notice my physical body and could both hear and feel myself breathing. It was distracting and I tried to ignore it but the breathing sound was very loud and I could feel how uncomfortable my body was.

By this time I was in the water and turned around to float on my back. Looking up at the sky my vision started to go out. First in one eye, my right one, and then slowly in my left. My breathing was so loud by this time that it reminded me of Darth Vader in Star Wars. lol

I didn’t fight the loss of my vision and just floated in the water until I felt my astral body hit something. I was no longer in deep water and could stand up, but instead of getting up I ended up coming back into my body.

Music Message

When I woke up my nose was clogged and my body was very uncomfortable. No wonder it woke me up!

I was thinking of my sister and her family again. A song was going through my head that I know is a message about them. I was hearing, “Well you look like yourself but your somebody else, only it ain’t on the surface.”:

I couldn’t help but think about one of my OBE’s from long ago. It was one of the only times I met my deceased father while OOB. The entire OBE my father was talking to me about my sister, warning me of “difficult times” that she would go through. It was the oddest thing because I was so excited to see him, hug him, be with him, that I didn’t think anything of him talking about my sister the entire time until I woke up. Sure enough, she has been on a very difficult path ever since.

And here, yet again, it seems that I am being warned of something to come. First the dream of “spiked fuel” and my sister and her husband leaving their son behind. Then the dream of two addicts, one indicating that support is needed. And finally the OBE of a flood which is all about emotions and highly emotional situations.

After recalling that OBE with my father, I wondered to myself, “What was I suppose to do when I had no idea what “difficult times” meant?” It’s not like I was shown what exactly would happen. I couldn’t warn my sister by telling her what to look out for. And so, if this dream and OBE sequence is similar, I don’t know what I am suppose to do with the information. Anyway, it seems like all my sister experiences since that time are “difficult situations”. I guess all I can do is be there to support her when she needs it.

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Message: Clearing Fear and Pain

What an amazing day it has been! Wow! I woke up feeling so amazing!

Dream: Caught in the Seat Belt

I was driving on a two lane highway when I spotted someone I knew parked on the side of the road. I pulled over to see if he needed help. I called him by name but don’t recall exactly who he was only that he was a father figure (masculine aspect) to me. He was older, maybe 60s, graying hair and thin. He seemed to be caught in his seat belt (security, safety).

I went over the help and he was embarrassed because the seat belt was across his groin and his privates were exposed. I went to try and untangle it and saw his privates but they looked odd, like intestines or something similar. His testicles were both caught and I spent a while pulling on them. They unrolled and dangled very long again looking like intestines more than testicles.

I said should I called 911 several times and eventually I just called. A man answered. He sounded very hill billy. There was sound in the background like a party or gathering going on. I told him where we were “Highway 51 on the way to Jarrell”. He asked for more information but then I saw my mom pull up in a car. She had a knife and immediately cut the old man loose. He was free and relieved. I asked the old man if he still wanted them to come check him out. After no response I told 911 not to come.

In-Between Meeting and Message

I ended up in a large auditorium classroom. A man was on the stage and I was the only other person there with him. I stood below him and looked up at him on the stage. I had come for advice and he felt like a teacher – perhaps a guide? He was explaining how the rest of the world had been working on the top portion of the energy field and gave me the rundown on how this was playing out. Basically he said work was being done to reestablish the connection to the spiritual/Universe/God by clearing those blockages that kept one from their intuition, guidance and higher self. Those who accomplished this might feel they are finished because they often get to experience that connection first hand and it is life changing. Some may feel stuck or seeming to make no progress while others will be just beginning this process, newly awakened and in “awe”.

However, the work is not done after the connection is reestablished. He told me I had moved on to the next part of the task which is clearing the lower portion of the field. I saw an energy field as two circles intersecting with a human figure in the middle – a vesica piscis. He explained that the bottom area where the circles intersected was the area to be cleared. He told me this area contained “fear and pain” and gave me the type of symptoms that would be experienced with this clearing. The examples I got were in visuals. For example, I saw thoughts exploding out from a person in the form of words and images and falling to the floor as the person desperately tried to scoop them up. I was shown how the darkness contained just as much beauty as the Light and this I understood as truth. My understanding was that the symptoms involved much confusion, panic, anxiety, fear, and an overall sense of impending doom or losing one’s mind. I told him I understood and with relief we discussed how I had gotten through the toughest part which took around six weeks (since mid-August). Relieved I asked him what was next. He told me something else was coming, like another opportunity or option. He said, “it is up to you what you decide”. It did not feel bad, just seemed like a heads up that I would get a choice soon and it didn’t matter what I decided really just that I could decide and had a choice. At the time I did not see it as a bad or good thing, just something I needed to be aware of.

I was shown how the human aura (still looking like a purple vesica piscis only in 3D) formed a tunnel that flowed in both directions – up and down simultaneously. The flow can’t just go up, it also has to go down, constantly cycling, Earth to Heaven, Heaven to Earth. The lower portion is undergoing a massive clearing. The advice was similar to other dreams where I was told “look forward” and put on “blinders”. Focusing ahead and not behind or to the side. The fear will breed more fear, pain more pain. I understand this advice as I relate it to being afraid of the dark. How when I was a child in the dark I would stare straight ahead, walking toward the light, doing my best to ignore the dark shadows that lurked to the side and behind me.

I recall shifting back into my body a couple of times during this visit. My body was vibrating very high to where it felt as if I were being shaken. I slipped easily back into the in-between each time.

When the visit was over, I entered a lucid dream where I was outside on a sidewalk. It was bright and sunny outside with greenery and the smell of Spring. I remember thinking of the crazy feeling and the paranoia I experienced not long ago and how I worried about so many things I should not, like what people think of me. I got down on the sidewalk and rested face down, arms and legs splayed, thinking, “I don’t care what people think.” Laying there on the warm concrete felt good. Grounding.

I sat up and felt relief. Looking around at the place, which appeared to be the outside a building with paved, dark asphalt roads, shrubbery, and parking lot, I saw someone I recognized in the distance. She was looking toward the parking lot as if talking to someone. I called out her name, “Angela!” She turned and looked at me. I said, “Hey! I’ve been thinking about you!” My old friend came over to me, still looking a bit dazed and deep in thought, and asked me how I’d been. I told her that I had just been through a real tough time but was finally on the other side of it. She nodded her understanding and seemed to relate, tears slowly coming out of her eyes. Then a woman appeared out of the blue and said to Angela, “See, I told you she didn’t forget you.” Angela began to cry in relief and I said, “Of course I didn’t forget about you!”

Message

I came back to my body and lingered in the in-between for a while, thinking about the discussion I had with the “professor” and the strange encounter with my old friend. I truly believe that I stumbled upon her while she was dreaming. Perhaps she called to me or maybe our energies just synced. Whatever the case, I emailed her and told her about the dream. I hope she is well.

While lingering in bed I heard, “Gila National Forest” and “healing”. I came out of my reverie suddenly and wondered about it. Where was it? Arizona? Oh yeah, New Mexico. My husband is from that area and I told him about it and the “healing” message. He and I will be planning a trip there in November. I want to go visit the cave dwellings among other things.

The entire day I have been feeling blessed, happy, and optimistic. The song, Stay was going through my mind most of the morning – “All you have to do is stay a minute, just take your time. The clock is ticking, so stay”.

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Put Your Blinders On

I felt the energy shift yesterday. It was subtle, and may have only been in my universe, and that’s okay with me.

When driving home from running some errands yesterday afternoon, I was waiting at a stop light when a huge semi truck crossed through the intersection and slowly turned right. Along the side of it in big letters was the word, “FORWARD”. I knew instantly there was a message in it and remembered my guidance telling me in a dream not long ago that I needed to look forward and stop lingering in the past. The truck was entirely too slow so the message was unavoidable.

Later in the day, during a conversation with my husband, I realized that I keep way too much inside. I have no close friends or family to vent to. I chose long ago to stop venting to my mother about my relationship and life because 1. it made my issues her issues, 2. she is my mother and so would immediately try to help and therefore become judgmental and critical, and 3. it invites her into my marriage, where she doesn’t belong. I don’t vent online really either. Sometimes I write in my private journal but writing is not the same as talking to someone. There is relief in verbal expression that one just can’t get through written words.

What ends up happening is that I vent onto my husband. Suddenly, everything I have not gotten to express comes gushing out and he takes it all as me blaming and making him wrong – which it really isn’t. He becomes defensive, then I become defensive and then our conversation breaks down.

The obvious solution would seem to be that I need to find someone, a friend, to talk with. The thing is that I probably wouldn’t share my marriage issues with even a friend for the same reasons I don’t share them with my mother. Sharing = inviting them into the problem so that they become a part of the problem. Now, if I had a friend who could just listen and offer support without judgment, hug me and share in turn, and who I could trust, then yeah I would vent away. Problem is those kinds of friend are few and far between and being I don’t have any friends to begin with these days it seems unlikely that will ever happen.

Communicating openly with my husband then is the only way to resolve this issue. I can’t hold it in but then he needs to not get defensive and judgmental. Last night, at least, we seemed to move in the right direction. Forward.

All the references to my throat chakra make a whole lot more sense to me now.

Prior to bed I was feeling optimistic. The conversation I had with my husband lingered in my thoughts. He had said something about noticing how much I had changed for the better. It made me smile and get a little emotional.

Dream: Putting Blinders On

I had a very in-depth dream about getting married to my husband. The setting was at my grandparents house in the country. I remember having an argument with my husband and him deciding to call off the wedding. When he did this I thought, “Oh well. If that’s what you want.” Then, he changed his mind and it was back on and I was surprised but accepted it.

In between this I was looking out the window and saw a group of white deer grazing. I got out my phone to take a video but it took entirely too long to get to the camera and then I accidentally took a picture. When I finally got to take video I saw the deer become spooked and run. They ran alongside the house. With them was a large, white horse.

The horse was very spooked and being it was so large it could potentially hurt someone. I remember someone saying, “Put blinders on him”. Eventually he settled down because he could only see what was in front of him.

Other Dreams and Considerations

I had another dream that followed this one where I was contemplating what it was like to be single versus what it is like to be married. I watched young people in an office setting flirting and dating. I felt to be older and wiser and better off being married. My husband and I sneaked into an office to watch a movie. We were laying down, his head on my chest, discussing how he had not seen the end scene before. I had no shirt or bra on and felt very relaxed and happy.

I recall a short dream where I was looking through my purse and found wads and wads of money. I began to count it and separate the bills by type. There were way more $1 bills than anything but it was a large sum of money. I was trying to keep an older man from seeing it, worried he might want to rob me, but he didn’t seem to care. I then left and went to the doctor to have some skin tags removed which had suddenly sprouted all over my body.

Then there was after that where I was in a chicken coup with a man. The two roosters had dug out a pit that was so deep it was holding water. Some hens jumped into the pit and began to swim. One went under the coup and I was worried the pit had been dug so deep that it allowed the chickens to escape. I said, “Uh oh! What if the hole goes under the foundation? What if they are trying to get out?” The man with me reassured me that they could not escape. I watched as a white chicken swam around in the muddy water thinking it odd.

Finally, as I was lingering in bed this morning, I saw the white horse from the first dream. I saw only it’s head and noticed it had blinders on.

I feel fairly positive this morning. My dreams give me hope, especially the ones about my husband. I have marriage dreams quite often but not many with my husband. To have him in my dreams is a shift in itself, which I feel is good. The feelings I felt were good. The deer symbolize domestication. The horse symbolizes freedom or a free spirit. White is purity. All are positive symbols. The blinders indicate there is a need to focus forward in order to calm the wild spirit of the horse. This goes very well with the “Forward” message I received.

The money in the short dream is about my perception of my ability to reach my goals. The more money, the more confidence. I also feel concern that it will be stolen, so there is fear of lack or of others taking from me what I have worked hard for. I then visit the doctor, which represents healing, to remove skin tags, which represent unwanted feelings or concerns.

The chicken dream is about courage. I often have dreams of chickens in various situations. In this instance they are confined but I worry they will escape. The pit is likely my subconscious or something out of my control. The muddy water is muddled emotion. I fear they will dig under the foundation and escape but am reassured they will not.

 

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Dreams: Fear Revealed & You’re Not Ready

Woke up this morning feeling really good and balanced, mind clear with no sluggishness or, my term for it, “sloth-in-slow-motion”.

To feel this way I had to stop taking the CBD oil I purchased. 😦 Seems the stuff is just too much for my system. Even taking smaller and smaller doses left me feeling drugged in the mornings. I determined that my blood pressure was dropping quite a bit. I don’t own a blood pressure cuff, so I am just guessing based it upon how I was feeling.

The main problem was the stomach upset and diarrhea which got progressively worse with each dose despite the doses being less and less. I did some research and discovered the stomach upset could be either 1. too high a dose or 2. the carrier oil used. In this case, I have to go with #2 since the carrier oil for this CBD oil is MCT which is known for causing exactly the kind of stomach problems I’ve been having. My issues got so bad it was like I had the stomach flu. I ended up having to take something to stop the visits to the bathroom but then my stomach still rumbled and hurt. To stop the MCT reaction it is advised to lower the dose but at the lowest dose I was taking 1/4 of a teaspoon and STILL having major diarrhea! The only choice I have is to stop taking the CBD oil and hopefully see if I can return or exchange the CBD oil I bought for one without MCT.

I am really disappointed in my reaction to the CBD oil. Even without the MCT oil as a carrier I fear the CBD oil itself is too much for my system. The low blood pressure is killer. If you haven’t ever had low blood pressure, let me tell you, it is worse than being anemic. My hope was that it would help with my anxiety but the side-effects ended up making me anxious!

It could be that taking the CBD oil during the day with food could help with the side-effects. I might give it a try and see.

It seems to me, though, that my body is becoming more and more sensitive to my environment. If someone is being negative or excessively talking I feel nauseous, flighty, anxious or worse. I feel it in my body, in my bones, and it sucks. Just a couple of days ago my son was crying and wailing over something my husband told him to do and it kept on and on. Even with me in the other room I was feeling icky from it. 😦 Another example is my sudden sensitivity to caffeine and alcohol. So, yeah, it has crossed my mind more than once that my body is showing me the things in my life that need adjustment.

Dream: Fear Revealed 

I had a dream last night that brought me to tears. 😦

The dream seemed like a simulation. I was in a space made of many rooms. The color of the walls was golden and bright. There was nothing inside but me and I walked around as if in a maze from room to room. The part that is most memorable is that as I walked the people in my life suddenly began to disappear as if taken away. First my kids and then my husband. I was left standing alone.

There seemed to be a screen in front of me and someone talking to me, asking me questions as if testing me to see how I would respond. I remember responding that I did not want all of to be taken away. I did not want to be alone. I didn’t like the feeling. It was this desolation and this not-knowing what to do next and with it came panic. I felt stranded with no place to go. This is when I burst into tears because I realized that I was clinging to my family and my husband and that my clinging to them was out of fear of losing everything and being alone. When that sense of security was stripped away, I became terrified and woke up crying.

Dream: You’re Not Ready

In this dream I was with a group of people in a brightly lit and colorful room. I was in the outskirts of the group sitting by myself when a man called out to me and said, “It’s your turn.” I said, “Oh. Okay” and went over to him.

Somehow I knew that “my turn” meant it was my turn to sleep with this man. I also knew everyone in the group had done this. It was like some kind of rite of passage. I went up to him and we kissed and went through the motions that lead to sex but I was just going through the motions of it, not really into it at all.

The man backed away and said, “You’re not ready.” I looked at him and nodded, understanding. The man reminded me of someone I use to work with but I knew it wasn’t him. He had brown hair and eyes and had a “man bod”. Yet the personality and energy of this man was nothing like my ex-coworker. This man felt like a leader or teacher, very wise.

 

 

 

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My CBD Oil Experience and Dream: Haunted Mansion

It’s been a pretty calm week for which I am grateful. Though I have had some anxiety it has been mild in comparison to the previous month.

I successfully completed all my workouts for this week without any major issues. There was one time early in the week that I had to stop working out because of an elevated heart rate, though. I am pretty sure it was anxiety that triggered it but it continued to stay elevated longer than I would like. My solution was to try a couple of techniques I had read online – put face in ice water (lol) and pull knees into my chest. The ice water worked especially well but then who likes to put their face in ice water? lol The knees into chest works good, too, so I will likely be my go-to method in the future.

The rest of the week I had no problems with heart rate or anxiety.

CBD Oil

I have been researching the use of CBD oil for anxiety and sleep for while and finally bit the bullet and ordered some. I purchased a brand called Receptra Naturals. The one I decided on contains 1500mg of CBD oil per container. It arrived three days ago and I immediately took some before bed.IMG_5790.JPG

The first night I took approximately 1/3 of a dropper, about 15 mg CBD oil. The effects were mild – I felt calmer and more focused. As I relaxed into sleep my third-eye and crown chakras lit up nicely and my mind went very quiet. I fell asleep quite quickly.

I did not wake as often throughout the night as usual but when I did wake I felt weird. My mouth was very dry and I had this strange feeling in my head. I was too tired to care and easily returned to sleep. I ended up sleeping 10+ hours and it was very difficult to get out of bed. Once I got out of bed I had really great day. I even drove to work without any anxiety issues.

The next night I went ahead and took half a dropper – 22mg. It gave similar results – dry mouth, weird feeling in my head, drowsiness, longer sleep. When I woke up this time after another 10 hours of sleep, my stomach was giving me issues (aching, gas) and it took me a while to get moving.

I took a little less last night, back to the 1/3 dropper. The dry mouth was not an issue and the strange feeling in my head was gone. However, this morning I am struggling to get moving and it is already nearly noon! When I went for a walk I felt dizzy and had to cut it short (heart rate was lower than usual). Rather than my stomach hurting, this morning I have full blown diarrhea. 😦

It may not be the CBD oil causing the stomach issues, but it sure looks like the culprit from where I stand. Yes, I am sleeping really well with less interruptions. Yay! BUT if I am going to have intestinal issues and this weird drugged feeling for half the morning the entire time I use the stuff it may not be right for me.

I looked up side-effects of CBD oil and found: Side-effects are usually mild and include hypotension [low blood pressure], dry mouth, psychomotor slowing [slowed thoughts or movements], lightheadedness, and sedation.

It doesn’t include intestinal problems, so maybe that is unrelated?

Low blood pressure is likely the main cause for how I am feeling. I had it with pregnancy (like 90/50 low) and it made me feel exactly like I have been feeling in the mornings. I am so tired and low energy I just end up back in bed. I feel like a sloth in slow motion. LOL Since my blood pressure is already low from all the exercise I do, my walk this morning probably made it worse for a short time after. Ugh.

I can always take less oil, I suppose. Not sure if I will use it tonight or not. I really, really love the sleep it gives me!

Dream: Haunted Mansion

I am having some very interesting dreams, though, which I won’t complain about.

This dream began with me flying toward a large mansion (connection with others) that was known to be haunted (bad memories, unresolved issues). I had previously been chasing a small bird, a parakeet (desiring freedom) or similar, and somehow ended up outside looking at the mansion. It was locked and so I began to toss something toward it. I am not sure what it was but it cracked the windows above the entry. I flew inside.

Everything inside was grayish in color. I remember noting that it looked as if whoever had been there stopped in the middle of what they were doing and left in a hurry.

I went into a bedroom (private self) and noted how the beds were in the middle of being made. I looked through a tall dresser and saw women’s underwear (personal beliefs and sexuality). Some were very large and others much smaller. The large ones were so big I was amazed at their size. They also looked very dated. Typical “granny panties” but made of silk with lace trim. I remembering seeing a pair that was a size “S” and thinking, “These are more my size”.

I flew around the mansion exploring for a while. It was massive with such high ceilings that they seemed to go on forever. I opened a closet door and there was another smaller door inside. When I opened the smaller door I saw stairs leading down (subconscious, unknown) and thought, “I’m not going down there.”

At one point I walked out on this indoor balcony (seeing things from a distance) and encountered people but they were not solid and seemed to flicker in and out. I knew they were ghosts, probably those who once inhabited the mansion.

As I was preparing to leave the balcony it seemed to shift almost as if it were going to crumble. I turned around to go back the way I came and there was a man standing there. Somehow I knew he was the one in control there.

The dream gets hazy here but I remember this man commanded the others ghosts into a type of giant orgy but because they were ghosts it looked like they were all blending into each other until they became a giant blob of moving mist. I was told I could not leave until I had sex with this man. I remember being given a choice but it seemed like I had no choice.

Considerations

This is the second night in a row that I’ve had a strange sex-themed dream like this. The night before I was having an in-depth conversation with a man about sexual desire and how it is totally normal and very human to desire such things. Then I’m in a haunted house being told I have to have sex or else….but I can’t remember what the “else” was now. Just weird!

The feeling I had during the dream was mostly curiosity. I was happy and curious to explore this “haunted” but beautiful mansion that kind of reminded me of something from Scooby-doo from the outside. lol The ghosts didn’t scare me. In fact, I remember talking to them. The man intimidated me but also did not scare me. My memory of him is hazy, his face overcast with shadows but with enough light that it was as if from a scary movie.

 

 

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Immersion

I’ve been taking it easy and giving myself time to recover, heal and relax. While the week started out high-anxiety, I am finishing it feeling much more like my old self – well actually better because my anxiety level is lower than prior to the major panic attack in August.

I stopped drinking my half-caffeine cup of coffee in the morning four days ago. I suffered a bad headache that was not relieve by Ibuprofin the first day (caffeine withdrawal). By the second day my headache was pretty much gone and yesterday it was non-existent. This morning I am happily drinking a cup of decaf.

I’ve also added yoga again to my nightly routine. I stopped temporarily and never got back into it because of everything that was going on. This time I am doing Clubbell Yoga again, without the clubbell for now. I also continued my walks with Monty and upped the pace yesterday with some short periods of jogging here and there without incident. All the while I am tracking my heart rate to make sure it is recovering properly. At first my heart rate was spiking and then taking much too long to recover but it has been improving. I’m not where I was previously just yet but I think as I get a handle on my anxiety that it will get back to normal.

Yesterday I took some time to treat myself to a haircut and another visit to the nail salon. Getting out the door of my house was a bit nerve wrecking because I had thoughts of being hit with panic while driving and being away from home. The farther I drove from home the higher my anxiety went but I got a grip on it and by the time I walked into the hair salon all anxiety had vanished. My main thoughts were, “If I don’t drive, I never will. If I don’t go out on my own, I never will. If I give into the anxiety, it wins.” For me, the worst possible outcome of this anxiety lesson is the potential for me to withdraw further and further into myself and become completely disable by it.

With my background in counseling and personal experiences with anxiety, I am definitely a proponent of immersion therapy – confront it (fear, anxiety, panic) and it will lessen and eventually go away or become manageable. It works every time. If I know the anxiety is triggered by exercise then I keep exercising. If it is triggered by driving, then I keep driving. Yeah, that’s why I keep running and lifting weights, in case you were saying to yourself, “What the hell is she thinking!?” lol

Sometimes the only way I can confront the fear and panic is to get to the point where I can accept the worst case scenario. My inner dialogue is something like this, “If I have a panic attack in the store and end up collapsing, so be it. If I am driving and it happens and it feels like I am going to pass out, I will just pull over. If I end up in hysterics around random strangers, so what?” For me, the fear of being vulnerable and weak and out of control are the worst. I have to accept that asking for help is OK and there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable and/or weak.

The more conscious I am of my anxiety, the more I aware I am becoming of just how tense I am. My anxiety level is almost always at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. The only time it is lower is if I am at home (or in a “safe” place) doing relaxing things like taking a bath, watching TV, mediating or….sleeping. lol Recently, I recognized that I tend to relax at the hair and nail salon, thus the frequent trip to get manicures (not my thing usually). When I get my nails done I get so relaxed that I start to get sleepy or I get this release response where I just want to cry in relief. Weird because the nail salon is usually very busy but they play calming music and there is something very calming about Asian women I think, too.

Overall, it feels like this sudden spurt of anxiety is a blessing in disguise. It is teaching me to pay attention to my body and to take care of my emotional and spiritual health by doing things that are relaxing and soothing. It is showing me my irrational side, the fearful inner child aspect, and just how important it is to her/me to feel safe and loved. I have become more cognizant of my thoughts and self-dialogue, especially those that can act to trigger panic. Instead of shutting the thoughts down I respond to them with love and acceptance, reminding myself that life is unpredictable and bad things will happen, but so will good things, and if I/we worry all the time about the bad things then we will miss the good ones. And I find myself living more in the present, which I think is the biggest help of all.

The more clear I get on this whole panic/anxiety crap, the more obvious it is to me that this is a MAJOR clearing, initiated by the Kundalini. She can be so brutal!! Resolution will only come with surrender and acceptance. I have to allow it to happen, even if it feels like it is going to kill me (which it literally does!).

Dream: Matchmaker

Shifting to another topic now. 🙂 I have to include this odd dream.

The dream began at a gathering. My husband was with me. There was a lady leading a group of people and assigning each person to another. It was soon obvious that it was a kind of matchmaking (choice to be made) group.

I was matched with this foreign (new, unfamiliar situation) man with dark hair and an accent. There I was standing with my husband looking at this man I was assigned to and thinking how weird it was. I balked, of course, and my husband began to nag me about it, insisting that I go along with the process.

The man and I spoke for a while. For some odd reason I presented him with a present. A small orange tree (good news). I asked him if it would do well in the area he lived. In my mind I saw Italy (romance, enjoyment of life). He assured me that it would do well, even thrive, and took my gift without hesitation. We talked a bit about the climate and I recall seeing a scene in my mind of where he was from. Then it was time to go and he left. I was given a slip of paper with instructions. The lady facilitator told me, “If you like him then you log into this forum at 11pm and continue to get to know each other. If not, then don’t.”

I put away the slip of paper. I did not intend to log in.

Then I was inside a Wal-Mart (a bargain) but sitting at a table as if in a restaurant. Three people came to join me. A couple and the man who I had just been assigned to previously. I felt very uncomfortable through the whole encounter. I remember being asked if I had to choose between two men, who would I choose. I told them the darker haired man would be my choice. There was a strange feeling present that is barely memorable now and hard to describe. It is kinda like a nervous apprehension.

We all left together and I lagged behind the group until I could no longer see them ahead of me. I walked and walked and ended up in an unfamiliar place. I realized I had kept walking when my car was parked right outside the Wal-Mart. I decided to look up the address on my phone, found the location and then started walking back. I knew to walk toward a large cathedral (spirituality), so I did.

As I walked I realized I had left my backpack (decisions and responsibilities that hinder me)behind. I worried at first but then realized I had everything I needed with me. Then I saw that I was only wearing my underwear (private self). I looked around and no one seemed to notice and I thought, “It must look like I am wearing a bathing suit (confronting uncertainty).”

 

 

 

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OBE: Bear

Yesterday was another rough day anxiety-wise. I felt pretty decent most of the morning. After my morning walk and a nice, high carb lunch, I decided to do my workout. Half-way through I began to feel panicky and had to stop. My heart rate stayed high but not too high and I just felt “off”. It is like my entire stomach fills with this dis-ease and that feeling moves to my chest where it feels like it begins to catch fire, but only barely, a subtle pressure in the center of my chest.

I ended up calling my husband and he came home for lunch and helped me calm down but I remained in a low-grade panicked state for several hours after that (like right on the edge and barely holding myself together). It wasn’t until around 8pm after a nice talk with a female acquaintance that I finally began to feel normal again.

By bedtime I was exhausted but I continued to feel a little too energetic so it took me a while to fall asleep. I ended up having an interesting night.

Dream – Too Old for School

Had a dream where I was getting ready to go to school with my kids but we were in my Mom’s house. I  spent a long time trying to find the right clothes (how others perceive me, outward appearance/personality). I could not find anything with short sleeves. Some of the clothing was quite dated, too.

I remember the closet was a mess with my son’s clothes strewn about mixed in with my daughter’s clothes. I eventually selected an outfit with jeans and a very fancy top, high heels and over sized glasses (not at all my style lol). When I came out my mom said I was a bit too dressed up and looked like a teacher. I saw myself then, as if I flew outside of myself to take a look. I had small lines around my eyes and mouth and looked old and tired. That’s when I realized I was too old to go to school. So I stayed and put on another outfit. This one looked like a balloon skirt and was bright aqua-blue. It made me look quite obese.

Other Experiences

In the midst of a dream I can’t recall now, I found myself enveloped in a golden light laying on my side. I remember being separated into four sections. I continued to feel whole but there were four parts of me lined up and separated. The feeling I had was pure relaxation and peace. It was like tiny sprinkles of golden energy were falling down over me. When I realized where I was a male voice said, “Don’t worry” but it was too late. I was too alert and woke up.

Another time when I woke it was from a sharp pain in my chest. It was very short-lived but enough to wake me and worry me.

OBE – Bear

I rolled over and entered a semi-lucid dream where I was sitting on a sofa and kept sneezing (getting rid of unwanted things in my life). My SIL was standing near me and asked me how long I had been sick. I told her I wasn’t sick. It was just allergies. She asked how long it had been going on and I told her since the end of August. I remember sneezing a lot and she just sat there wiping her face as if I was sneezing directly on her but I was nowhere near her.

Then I was talking to my husband. He was behind a window (new perspective) with his arms folded over it. He said his brother thought I had been trying to hack into his computer. I told him I hadn’t.

Then I was walking to his brother’s house. I walked down a sidewalk and saw a blue cell phone (communication) on the ground along with some other things. I remember thinking my BILs kids must have left it there. I almost picked it up but then opted to just leave it knowing they would come out and get it.

As I was walking I felt light and floaty. I suspected I was OOB so began to test it out by jumping into the air and trying to fly. When I didn’t hit the ground fast but instead floated a bit I launched into the air. My vision went black but I didn’t care. I stayed up in the air, happy and feeling free. Even though I knew I was OOB I had a distinctly distant feeling from the whole experience and I was able to perceive my sleeping body the entire time.

I began to spin really fast, imagining the Earth spinning on its axis. I began see bits and pieces of color as I spun. Then the whole scene lit up and I saw ahead of me a red brick building. To my right was bright green grass and a sidewalk with tall hedges. I floated up and moved over the building, enjoying the feeling of flying. There was a brief concern about my sleeping body. Would it cause my heart rate to increase? Would it be harmful? But the thought passed as quickly as it came.

When I looked down I noticed a big, black bear (strength, power, independence) nudging its way into the door of the house/apt. I yelled at him, “Hey! What do you think you are doing? You can’t go in there!” I flew over and above the bear’s head. He stopped and looked up. I lightly touched the tip of his nose, laughed and launched myself higher into the air. He followed me from below, curious, and I kept just out of his reach. The whole time I was talking to him but can’t recall my words now.

I came back into my body and my heart was pounding.

More Anxiety

My heart rate remained elevated long enough to bother me so that eventually I got out of bed. I felt the weird anxious feeling most of the day today on and off. I opted to go into the office rather than stay home because I wanted to stay close to my husband and others just in case I started to feel overwhelmed again. Thankfully, I felt pretty good at the office. Only problem was I got a splitting headache (still have it) from not drinking any coffee this morning. 😦

I had my husband drop me home after lunch so I could be home when the kids got home from school. My headache got really bad and so I got into bed to rest. I ended up taking an hour long nap! Not like me! I feel somewhat better now but the headache is still there. Oh well.

It is funny to me how wonderful I feel when the anxiety dissipates. I suddenly feel a burst of energy and relief, as if I am freed from chains. When the anxiety is high I feel trapped by it, unable to go places or do things I would normally do for fear that I will freak out, pass out or burst into tears. Where I am normally a person who likes my alone time, when my anxiety is high I actively seek out others, especially my family. My husband has been very patient and sympathetic, coming whenever I call, driving me places and trying to distract me.

The anxiety makes me feel like a scared little girl and the entire world is suddenly full of things that could hurt me. It is so weird! I have to really work hard not to get caught up in “what if” thoughts – what if the panic never goes away? What if I can’t drive anymore? What if I can’t function anymore? Then it just vanishes and I am free and feeling I can do anything and everything again. And then the switch flips and it starts all over again.

I hope my dreams are indicative of how this all will end – that it will end. To anyone who suffers from generalized anxiety disorder, I FEEL YA!