Tag Archives: dreams

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Bitch Magic and 3 OBE’s

Ah, the good sleep was short-lived! 😦

Dream: Bitch Magic

I fell asleep without issue but woke around midnight from an odd dream. I was with my daughter who had a friend who was wearing an outfit with the words, “Bitch Magic” on it. To the left of the words, which were written in Disney-like lettering with sparkles and stars all around, was Tinkerbell waving her wand. LOL The high waisted jeans also had the logo and lettering only smaller on the back just above the pockets. I remember saying to my daughter that I thought it was a bit too much, especially since it looked to be from the 1980’s era.

I couldn’t help but remember, “Bitch Magic” when I woke, so I wrote it down. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the overly dry air in the room causing my nose to hurt when I breathed. So, I lay on my back mulling over life and envisioning how I would like my future to play out. I went through several scenarios before I fell asleep.

Lucid Dream

I entered into a semi-lucid dream where I was sitting in front of a very large television. I could see the selections for the shows and was in the middle of selecting a show I liked when the TV shifted to shows my children like to watch. I couldn’t find my show anywhere. Eventually, I found it and clicked on my show but the volume was too high. I began to turn it down and noticed the TV had a curved edge which made it hard to see from the side.

3 OBE’s

My lucidity must have peaked because suddenly the loud noise of the TV turned into hearing someone knock on the front door. I heard my husband answer and whisper an apology for asking the person to come over so late. I also heard what sounded like a briefcase opening – a “click, click” sound. I remember wanting to talk to my husband, to go downstairs and see who he was with, but my body felt paralyzed and heavy.  There was a realization that I was hearing “noises off” but at the same time I felt like I needed to investigate because it felt very real. I attempted to get up and go downstairs but I kept feeling pulled down into the bed/my body. It took every ounce of energy I could muster to finally sit up and when I did I exited my body.

Free of my body, I headed toward the bedroom door. It was very dark and my energy was pretty low. I could feel my physical body the entire time which made me in a hurry to get as far from it as possible. I went to the stairs and looked over the edge, calling to my husband but knowing he wasn’t there – he never was. I could feel the cold metal of the railing beneath my hands just as my vision began to clarify. Then I was pulled back into my body.

Back in my body I again experienced the heavy, paralyzed sensation. Knowing full well that I was in the transition state, I forced my way out of my body and out of bed. I was still curious about what I had heard and there was this fear at the back of my mind that perhaps something sinister was about. I ignored my fear, knowing I had nothing to fear – that nothing could harm me unless I thought it could. This time I went directly to the other bedroom where my husband was sleeping with our youngest son. I spoke to him, asking him if I could get in bed with him. He answered by pulling back the covers to let me in. I could see the outline of my son under the covers in the middle of the bed. I remember feeling my husband as I got into bed and then being sucked back into my body as if I were being pulled through a tunnel.

This time, fully intent on getting out of bed and out of the house, I pushed through the heaviness and exited my body without much issue. It was still dark, the energy very heavy, but I was determined to free myself of it. I went directly to the stairs and then opted to jump/float down to the first floor. I did this without issue and landed at the bottom. There was more clarity in my vision but it seemed to strobe in and out. I went directly to the front door and opened it. As I did, an object came down as if to block my path. It was a giant chandelier. I could see it clearly in my mind despite the darkness that enveloped it. I spoke aloud, saying, “Get out of my way”, as I took my hand and brushed it aside. I felt no resistance. The door was only partially open so I slid through the opening, noting it was much lighter outside and my vision was clear. As I walked outside, I noticed a For Sale sign propped up against the side of the house, the lettering very distinct – red letters on a white sign. I could also see other objects indicative of moving, like tape and gloves. I wasn’t able to focus on it for long because I was sucked back through a tunnel and back into my body.

As I settled back into my body I knew that I would not be able to exit again. My chest felt very heavy, just like the energy I had felt while OOB. In fact, it felt like my chest had been ripped open and expanded, as if I had open heart surgery. It is hard to explain, but the energy was distinct. As I settled more into my body I noticed my heartbeat and breathing were erratic and overall it didn’t feel right or normal. I wondered if I had been putting too much strain on my body but my guidance indicated I merely didn’t have enough energy available for traveling OOB.

Now wide awake, I struggled to sleep again. I had to turn on the humidifier in order to comfortably breathe. It was past 2:30am when I fell back to sleep.

Considerations

Looking back at last night, I realize that things were prime for an unsettled night. As I was winding down for the night I could feel my crown and third-eye activating. I remember thinking, “Download time”.

The Bitch Magic dream could mean many things. My first thought after waking was that it pertained to me – as in I am the bitch. However, the “magic” part indicates that it is not necessarily a bad things. My thought was that perhaps I needed to get into “bitch mode” to get things moving in the direction I wanted. Considering my thoughts prior to bed were about what I wanted in life, this makes sense. Still, it is very funny! The image of the fairy especially.

Since I could not return to sleep after waking the first time, I remember thinking it likely that I would go OOB. I did not intend to, though, just noted it likely. It’s called Wake Back to Bed (WBTB) method, meaning you wake up and then return to sleep after moving around enough to wake fully. Usually, when I wake up so early in the night I do not go OOB, so it was quite a surprise to end up doing so. WBTB is best done after 5-6 hours of sleep, not 2 hours.

Based upon my thoughts/insights during meditation, I believe the first OBE noises-off were directly related. I remember thinking the knock at the door and the clicking of the briefcase as it opened was my husband trying to keep something from me; thus my intense curiosity to investigate. The heavy energy is typical of the etheric. The symbolism in the OBEs seems a reflection of my feelings – unable to leave the house = feeling trapped. The chandelier symbolizes a bright future, but it was not lit so maybe it means the opposite? Since it was inside the house and trying to keep me inside, perhaps it is symbolic of a possible bright future gone dark – dashed hopes and dreams. The For Sale sign is likely another symbol indicating a desire to move on or get out/get rid of something. My vision was also poor, indicating an inability to see clearly; a need for clarity. I am seeking clarity but unable to find it until I exit the house.

The strange sensations in my physical body are not concerning, though they were odd. I have had all kinds of weird re-entries and this one definitely qualifies as such. My chest did feel to be spread open, as if I were getting open heart surgery. I’m not sure what to make of the sensation other than to say it was just my perception of the energy at the time of re-entry.

 

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Dream: Halfway There

I’m sleeping really well right now, or at least for the last two nights anyway. 🙂 The average is 10 hours, all of which were much needed.

Prior to bed last night, as I was watching my current show of interest, I kept feeling a communication coming through from my right. At first I didn’t identify it as such, thinking I was just having random thoughts and feelings, but ultimately I stopped focusing on my show and shifted my attention to the source.

My heart was struck with a beautiful energy. It was so palpable that in my mind I saw it, like a etheric, golden light, twirling and spinning out from the darkness straight into my heart center. Along with the energy came visuals mixed with incomplete thoughts. I settled into my core and let the transfer take place, knowing that too much focus would interrupt it. Allow. Allow. 

The origin of this energetic connection was Earthly; it was someone on the Earth plane I know. Soul family of the Divine kind. I suspect the telepathic connection was unintentional on their part. But it doesn’t matter, I received it.

Unfortunately, my motherly duties interrupted the flow and when I tried to reconnect I was unable.

Dream: Halfway There

This dream was early in the morning hours, so I was partially lucid. I find that these days when my lucidity peaks I prefer to go with the dream rather than take control of it. Not sure why I am doing this except that maybe I have recognized doing so allows me to receive messages that otherwise I would not notice.

I found myself on the side of a road in Montana. It was really dark out and I could barely see my surroundings. I crawled up an embankment and up to the side of the road. My location had been beneath a bridge near a small stream I think. I could feel the tall grass as I crawl-walked and hear the crunching of leaves and twigs with each step I took.

As I crawled I encountered objects: trash. It was scattered here and there and familiar. I picked up a very large, empty container of oatmeal without a lid and took it with me to use as a bucket to pick up the litter. I picked up two empty apple juice boxes and tossed them inside and then stumbled upon the lid to the oatmeal container. I closed the boxes inside and tossed the container into the brush.

As I settled myself on the side of the road I encountered another empty oatmeal container and put more boxes inside. There was a conversation going on in my mind with someone about this but it is lost to me now. What is left is the consideration that this trash represented things I feel “done with”, and as such it is being “trashed”.

I remember thinking of the journey ahead. I told this person in my mind how I did not look forward to the long journey ahead in this darkness. The feeling I had was of despair and extreme exhaustion. My bones felt heavy and my prognosis not good.

Every once in a while a car or truck would pass by. All kept their headlights off. I found this very disturbing. I knew the traffic was so sparse that I would be lucky if I saw one vehicle an hour. But I walked on, being careful to hide in the shadows when a car passed me by. It felt dangerous to be out so late at night in the middle of nowhere all alone.

Every once in a while a car would approach with headlights on only to turn them off when close. One time, a truck passed me by, headlights off, and another car passed them going the other direction. The truck stopped and turned to pursue the other car but saw me because they had turned on a spotlight. Caught and unable to run, I stood there and four men got out of the vehicle and approached me. I was close enough to see a woman in the front seat, strapped in a seat belt. I sensed from her distress and used my medical intuition to scan her body. I said to the men, “She is not well. She needs to go to a hospital.” They laughed and said, “Yeah, she has a broken leg.”

The dream shifts and I am inside the truck with the men. We stop at a church and I open the door and escape, screaming at the people, “I’ve been kidnapped. Help!” only the words didn’t come out right at first. I scramble inside with help from the people there and run down a hallway to check the back door. I knew the men would find me and had hoped to escape out the back door. Unfortunately, I ran into one of the men, machine gun in hand, standing at the back door. I said to him, “You know you don’t want to do this. Give me your gun.” The man considered and his shoulders drooped as he handed over the gun. I asked, “Is there ammo?” He nodded and we both went inside.

The dream shifts forward in time and I am inside the church with a large group of people. My daughter is with me. They offer us new clothes. I am given a white, long-sleeved shirt with their logo on the front. It looks like three flowers connected in a triangle shape. I feel displaced as I put on the shirt, as if I am homeless.

I feel extremely tired at this time and seek out a bed to lay down on. There is no space where I am, so I go into the other room and check the bed there. I note that people have left their things on the nightstand indicating that the bed is taken. So, I turn to the computer, take a seat and begin to type my story – the dream as I recall it up to that point along with my feelings/emotions and secrets I would otherwise tell no one.

As I type, the screen goes blank and I am unable to get the computer to respond. I panic, worrying the people of the church will discover I am not who I say I am. I press the “Esc” key to try and regain control of the screen. It works and I cannot find what I typed anywhere. Instead a video screen pops up and the icon on the top indicates that the person who is logged in, some man, has liked one of my posts. I go into his profile and unlike my post to try and erase any proof that I had been there.

I return to the other room and search for earplugs but none of them fits. I want to sleep but cannot. There are so many people that the space feels crowded. I do not like the feeling. A man I know in real life begins to talk to me, to counsel me, and I find out he has divorced his wife. He makes it clear that he is interested in me but the thought of being with him that way is unappealing to me. His energy feels sick and weak, completely incompatible with my own.

Somehow I end up walking on the dark road again. I am on the other side this time, the left side rather than the right as before. There is a glimmer of light in the distance, as if the sun is about to rise. I feel so tired, my legs like dead weights as I walk. A familiar song comes into my mind as I walk, sung by a male voice. I sing along with him:

Woah, we’re half way there
Woah-oh, livin’ on a prayer,
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear,
Woah-oh livin’ on a prayer….

The chorus repeats a second time and I sing it louder and with more purpose. When I hit the part, “Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear”, I burst into tears. The feeling I have is similar to how one feels when they have fallen but can’t find the strength to stand and keep going. It feels like death is the only option. Then someone offers them their hand.

Interpretation

I wasn’t crying when I woke up. Instead I felt somewhat awed by the whole dream experience. Maybe it was because it was partially lucid? Or maybe it was the message via song that was the final uplifting component, saying, “We can do this!”? I did indeed feel hopeful and I can’t help but think of the analogy of running a marathon as perfect for how life plays out.

I believe the dark road in Montana is symbolic of where I feel to be at currently in my life. The darkness is the unseen/unknown and also represents how I feel – dark, gloomy, hopeless. Montana is the journey toward spiritual freedom, enlightenment, purpose, whatever you want to call it. Montana = mountains. It is the “ascent”.

The trash I find are things I no longer want or that I feel have served their purpose. The oatmeal is a continuing symbol of mine, it symbolizes comfort and sameness. The juice boxes could be domesticity as they are reminders of my children and my motherly duties. The oatmeal container is huge in the dream and very empty; all used up. I have had my fill.

The vehicles without headlights indicate that I do not feel illuminated by those that I meet right now. If anything they perpetuate the dark, gloominess that I carry with me. The men in the truck who abduct me seem to be a perceived danger, the woman is likely an aspect of myself who is broken and unable to walk; stuck.

The church likely represents some kind of perceived haven of help, but looks are deceiving. The guns indicate potential aggression under the surface but I am able to suppress it. I feel homeless with the group and suffocated. This is representation of a real-life situation I won’t go into detail about. Let’s just say a similar group I am associated with gives me the feelings I encountered in the dream. I want to ignore it, block out the messages I received (earplugs) and avoid what I know the be true (sleep), but am unable to do either. The man represents the feelings I often get with people in the group.

This is further expounded upon by what I write on the computer. I want desperately to communicate – be – who I am, but know the group will not accept this. In the dream what I write is very personal and revealing. I hit “Esc” to try and escape the consequences of them knowing my true identity and am successful at erasing all traces of myself.

The last scene of walking the road on the left side could indicate change of perspective. The light in the distance = hope. The song, of course, is relaying the message that I am not alone.

Dream Snippet

There is a short dream memory that I have limited recall on now. What I do recall is being in a room with a man. We are sitting comfortably on cushioned lounges. All the colors in my memory are golden hues, as if we are in the 1960’s but I know we are in a place where time doesn’t exit. The scene feels like a bar or speak easy. Rather than tables and chairs there are sofas and side tables.

The man I am with is familiar and I am very comfortable with him. He is singing and I am amazed at how nicely he sings. I comment on how lovely his voice is. What I remember most is feeling pulled in by his voice. It is smooth, deep and quiet, sometimes only a whisper. His brown eyes become a focal point in the dream that also seem to pull me in. The depth of them is familiar. I see myself in his eyes. I am in love with his voice, with his eyes, with him.

There is conversation here but I only recall a summary of it now. The man is telling me about his life, how he use to sing with a band among other things. I feel mostly to be listening to him. It feels like he needs me to listen; like he has much to say but doesn’t say it. I am happy to listen.

I don’t know when this dream snippet occurred – before or after the above dream. In fact, most of the night’s experiences feel jumbled as if they all happened at the same time. Maybe they did? It is of no consequence anyway. What is most important is that I woke up feeling calm and accepting when normally I awaken in resistance.

 

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Slow Down and Turn In

It is clear to me that I am in an inactive, rest period right now. This realization came about first via a Knowing and then was validated via various synchronicities. As is my usual, I struggle against this perceive inactivity, but the messages I am receiving indicate that I can ride out this period by merely recognizing the gift that it is (rest, reflection, healing, preparation) by continuing to return to my center where continued guidance will be given.

Mornings are the roughest for me because when I wake I feel so much resistance boiling over to the point of anger and irritation. I recognize this is my Ego Child throwing one of her tantrums but it is very difficult to snap out of! Ultimately, I know this will all pass; that this period is meant to prepare me for the next “shake up” and that I need to make the most of it.

Last time I experienced a period like this I was not adequately prepared because I ignored my inner Knowing in regards to my physical body. Once again I am being reminded to take care of my physical body by not unduly taxing it. I have been running quite a bit while also lifting weights, falling into an old routine which is not good for my body. It does not give my body adequate rest and it neglects the emotional and spiritual. For example, my most recent runs have resulted in a pain in my right ankle. One of the tendons is strained and requires rest in order to heal. More running will only exacerbate the problem. It is a minor issue, really, but enough to alert me to what I have been ignoring – running in general needs to be limited to shorter distances and times.

Diet has also come up and so I am intending to shift my diet once again to make it cleaner and more refined. I hope I can do this successfully as when I feel stressed I tend to eat more sugars and carbohydrates. Having a glass of wine has become an almost a nightly routine. I don’t feel it is bad to have wine, but probably not every night, so I will be returning to my tea and saving the wine for occasional use.

I will still lift weights but only four times a week. On the other days I will tone it down with yoga, deep stretching and SMR (self-myofacial release).

I suspect spiritual experiences will be on the low end for a while to come. The Kundalini has been quiet, only coming up occasionally in dreamtime. OBEs are practically non-existent these days, as are lucid dreams. I don’t miss the latter much, but the Kundalini I long for – the connection and Divine bliss specifically. I understand that I am to connect to my core/center at this time and find balance within, which I am well-equipped to do and just need to make a habit of rather than falling into Ego-led despair.

Dreams have been vivid lately but seem to focus on healing and insight into life’s problems.

Dream: Reunion

This dream began on a road near where I grew up. My grandfather was with me. We stopped along the side of a the road and went along a path to get some ice cream (my grandfather loved Bluebell). When we got closer the path morphed into the inside of an office (measuring myself against another’s standards) building. I remember talking to my grandfather about our memories of the place, the ice cream (success in life) and the good times. He looked like he did when he was alive but before he started to go downhill with various ailments (neuropathy, dementia, emphysema).

My grandfather went ahead of me and I waited. A nice lady escorted him back to the place to get his ice cream. I watched her hold his arm and help him walk away and out a door straight ahead of me.

I looked around and walked to my left to explore the area because it was unfamiliar to me. As I walked the place morphed again and I found myself walking along the outside of a huge ship (exploration of emotion/subconscious). I looked down at my feet and saw the ship was covered in thick, green moss (slow progress, need patience). I thought, “It must be very, very old!” The edge I was walking on was narrow and very high up. So high in fact that I felt to be hovering above the entire world. Across from me on my left I could see other ships. They were enormous and loomed in the distance, ancient artifacts from a time long past. Most were white/gray and resembled aircraft carriers and other military ships. I remember thinking I was in a naval shipyard.

Looking ahead, I caught a glimpse of something moving very fast. Then I heard laughter and talking. Curious, I followed the sounds down to an area below deck. The area was still covered in green moss and there were teenagers of various ages lingering in the space. They seemed to be gathered there to hang out, play, etc. I remember thinking they were the children of soldiers and I greeted them warmly, asking them if I could hang out with them for a while. None of them seemed against it; all were friendly but most kept their distance and watched me closely. It felt as if they were uncertain if I was friend or foe.

Eventually I walked deeper into the ship. There I encountered a shop that was just about to close for the day. The decor was reminiscent of the 1950’s. A lady approached and smiled at me. She called me by name, saying, “It has been a long time! Good to see you!” I lingered around the store front, which was open to the rest of the room. We talked about the past, when I was a young girl, and my times with my grandfather coming to this place for ice cream and other sweets. In the dream I could see myself as this young girl, smiling with my Granddaddy and feeling special.

At some point my grandfather was there, too, and the dream become a blur of memories mixed with conversation. There was a shift back to the office space where I saw my grandfather return with the lady who had escorted him away. He had in his hand a huge, white object – a clove of garlic (protection against some barriers, overcoming barriers) the size of the palm of his hand and disc-shaped. He took a bite as if it was ice cream and smiled. I asked how it was and he indicated it was delicious, just as he remembered.

Interpretation

When I woke I knew I had seen my grandfather. The ships were indicative of his time in the Navy. He loved his sweets, especially ice cream. It felt like he had come to counsel me, or maybe to just catch up and chat. I did not feel sad in the dream, which was nice because usually I miss him very much when I see him in my dreams.

I believe his message was to use his own life as an example for me. The main message being to enjoy life and the “sweets” it has to offer. There was also the message that I will persevere via the garlic which symbolizes overcoming barriers. The shipyard seemed to indicate that he took me into his past and into his own emotional struggles, perhaps comparing them to my own. The patience theme of the moss was very memorable and distinct.

When I woke I felt sad and pessimistic. I was happy to have seen my grandfather again but at the same time I was discouraged because of the waiting game that I perceived I was/am in.

OH-6A Cayuse Small Tactical Helicopter |Jet Fighter Picture

Dream: Helicopter Ride

In this dream my ex-husband (reflecting on past situations and comparing them to present) came for a visit and invited us to ride in his helicopter. Me, my daughter and youngest son got into the helicopter (new/different awareness) with him. As we flew we looked around at the scenery and enjoyed flying high above everyone and everything. He flew quite low at times, so low my toes skimmed the tops of trees. It was then that I realized there was no bottom (feeling exposed) and that I was somehow hovering in my seat. I remember asking him if I should wear a seatbelt (need to stay composed) and grabbing two straps on either side of me and buckling them while saying, “Oh, I found them.”

We kept flying and entered into a city where he landed in the corner of a courtyard. There were Mexican families in the area who gathered around, curious as to why a helicopter landed there. I remember hearing them speaking in Spanish yet understanding them. We got out of the helicopter for a bit to stretch our legs. I remember seeing a little Mexican girl and smiling at her.

We eventually all got back inside and took flight again. This time my youngest climbed into my lap and I buckled the seatbelt over both of us but it was a very tight fit (worried about my future). I remember looking closely at the inside of the helicopter – the rounded, metal sides and rivets. It was very small and round, almost like we were in a tiny sphere.

My ex hovered close to another area, this time amidst houses, to look for a place to land. I could see many Mexicans in the area and as we landed they came closer. This time they were mostly men and many of them were carrying machine guns (aggression). It felt hostile and as soon as we landed we took off again. One man with a gun opened fire on us. My ex turned his guns on the man and fired, hitting him and knocking him down. I remember thinking we had somehow landed in the middle of a dispute and been mistaken for the enemy (internal conflict).

Interpretation

This dream seems to be all about comparing the present to the past and learning from mistakes in order to not repeat them. The helicopter allows for me have new awareness -rise above – so that I can see what I otherwise would not see. In particular I see beauty, family (the Mexican families), and togetherness but I also see aggression, hostility and inner-conflict. There is a sense of needing to protect my children as well as myself. I believe the “Mexico” and “Spanish” parts are indicative of “going South”, which means that things are not working out well and are getting worse. The foreign language is all about feeling to be a “foreigner” in some way to the events going on in my life. Yet I am able to understand the language which means I feel capable of handling the unfamiliar.

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Dream: Future Prediction

After yesterday evening’s dream about the “dog races”, I had an similar experience in real life. No, I didn’t go to the dog races. 🙂 We had a tiny dog venture into our back yard. It looked very much like the tiny dogs I saw in my dream. At first I couldn’t figure out how he got in. He kept evading capture by going under the fence into our neighbor’s back yard but always came back to our yard, sitting and licking himself as if he thought it was his new home. Eventually, I realized he had come in through a gate from the front yard. The kids must have left it open and he wandered in (I’m surprised our dog didn’t get out!). The gate was partially open but he would not go through it when I tried to get him to. So I had to prop it wide open so that it was obvious and he finally turned tail and ran back out to the front of the house.

After the dog was out and I had re-latched the gate, my dream came back to mind and I laughed to myself. I remember thinking, “He (the dog) always knew the way out. I just had to remind him by opening the gate a little wider.” And of course, this was the message to me as well – I have always known the way out. I said to myself, “You get out the same way you got in.”

So then, how did I get “in”? What path did I follow? And how, then, does that path lead to the exit? But then I would have to determine what predicament/situation I want to get “out” of in the first place!

Form letters for everyday life - The Brock Press

Dream: Future Prediction

The dream start is fuzzy now. I recall standing outside with a very large group of people. The sky was blue and dotted with fluffy clouds. Each person was handed an official looking envelope. My husband was with me and opened his. I followed suit and opened mine. Inside were predictions of our future. The time frame seemed to be random. Mine gave me a snapshot of my life at age 53.

What I read was not good. It seemed I had opted to take lower paying, lower responsibility jobs to the point that I ended up with work that was well beneath my ability level. This kept me from being challenged and helped me avoid stress and stressful situations and relationships with people. I did this purposefully but it ended up leaving me with few friends and very little feeling of accomplishment. I was shown that the projection of my life was that I would retire early because I didn’t want to work anymore and I would end up old and alone/lonely because I would have alienated most if not all friends/family by the time of my death.

My husband had his and was smiling and wanting to read mine. I wouldn’t let him and did not read his but I knew his forecast was positive.

We ended up going to a place where we could be “adjusted”. It was like a church building where we were evaluated and then set up for treatment which seemed to involve the person laying down and being worked on. I was evaluated quickly and sent to the waiting room while my husband received treatment.

I seemed to wait forever. Lots of other people were waiting also. I grew tired and irritable. Someone commented on my irritability, saying the source of it was boredom. I didn’t argue. A very large woman sat next to me. She was friendly and we got along. She noticed I was tired and positioned herself so that I could lean on her. I ended up laying my head on her breast and nodding off.

When my husband finally came out he was smiling and refreshed. I complained that he took so long and that I never got called in. He pulled our SUV up and called me to get in. All the doors were open and I grumpily climbed in. I saw another car trying to pull out but it was cornered by other cars. I thought it would never get out but it somehow maneuvered itself out and drove away.

Considerations

When I woke I was startled by the dream prediction to the point that I couldn’t help but think it was in response to the thoughts I had on my mind as I went to bed. I had been reviewing my old blog posts from 2016 onward, noticing trends, followers, likes, comments, etc. It is obvious that I have lost many followers, likes have declined, as have comments. My best guess as to the reasons for this is my content. I write a lot of posts about dreams, which in and of itself is probably not interesting to too many people. And then many of my posts have a “poor me” feeling to them, which few enjoy. The trend indicates very slow progress. I seem to have stalled out. And then I think I write too much about how my life is not like I want it to be but then take no action to change it.

So, right before bed I was considering what changes I would need to make. I thought maybe I might need to take another social media break, but I wasn’t sure and my gut told me to sleep on it. Then I get an entirely different outlook indicating that what I may need to change is my perspective regarding my work/career. Interesting!

I was talking to my husband about my dreams this morning and we ended up discussing my current work situation. I explained that I purposefully chose the job to avoid stress and people – just like the type of work mentioned in my dream. At some point I said this to him to describe my circumstances:

It’s the avoidance of things that make you uncomfortable that keeps your life the same.

He said to me, “That is good. Text it to me.” Had he not I wouldn’t have remembered it!

He said he thought that I needed to step up and take on more responsibility, that it was my dislike of the type of work that was my discomfort. I told him, “No. It’s things that scare me that make me uncomfortable.”

Work Woes

Speaking of work, the lady who I was hired to help is in the hospital. She just finished all her chemo and had been given the all-clear by her doctors. All traces of cancer gone. But ever since Thanksgiving she has been home sick with neuropathy. But last night it escalated and she ended up in the E.R.

Our boss updated us this morning saying that the cancer had metastasized into her brain. Somehow the doctors didn’t catch it and even after all that nasty chemo the cancer was not eradicated. Really awful news.

The news has been pretty devastating to everyone at the office. She has worked there for over 15 years and everyone loves her.

Something I noticed at work when everyone discussed her situation – they all acted sad and concerned but seemed to want to quickly forget everything and get back to “normal” as quickly as possible. I remember thinking – they are already moving on, even before she has even died. And for a moment I grieved for her loss; that she had already become a memory before even leaving this world.

My husband and I went to see her in the hospital. They only allowed one person at a time in her room. When my husband came out he had been crying. 😦 When I went in I smiled and stayed cheerful. She seemed just fine and had her wits about her but she was also very peaceful about everything. She didn’t seem one bit concerned about her situation.

Now it looks like whether I want to or not I will be taking on more responsibility. Eventually, ALL her responsibilities will be mine. Honestly, it’s not what I wanted but when I see how everyone is responding and all that needs to be done, I know that I would be doing her a disservice if I were to leave now.

Create Gender and Orientation Symbols With Basic Shapes in ...

Dream: Woman Lover

I wanted to mention one more dream because it seems to indicate continued healing relating to women.

This dream began inside a very large mobile (not permanent) home (self). My mom was living there and the family was gathered for an unknown reason. A dark haired, very attractive woman was there as well. She and I were attracted to each other. Before we met up, though, I was inside a classroom arranging what looked like swing sets for the children to occupy as I taught class. There was a baby swing that needed adjustment and I remember moving it and adjusting the height. My memory fades out here, though.

Then I am in a bedroom (private self) with the dark haired woman. It is my mom’s bedroom. The dark haired woman closes the door and invites me to come to her. We begin to make out. The sensations of kissing are very real. I remember enjoying her kisses, her mouth, very much. We end up on the floor next to the bed as we try and hide in case someone comes in. It gets really passionate but clothes stay on, though hands explore and there is a lot of touching. The woman resists going further and puts her hand to her lips saying “Shhh” as if to remind me we need to stay quiet. My mom then calls and we stop and I wake up.

When I woke up I was again confused as to having a woman lover but thinking, “At least this time she is full grown.” lol There was no disgust or resistance to the dream scenario. In fact, there has not been any such thing for all the similar dreams I’ve had with women. As far back as my dreams go, in fact, I have not had any considerations regarding women in that regard. It is like I always feel they are equal to men in a sexual/romantic sense. This is very different from how I am in waking reality, though.

As I woke more fully I wondered about the dream. A song came to mind as if to pass on a message. I specifically heard, “I want you to be happier.”

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Music Message: I Won’t Back Down

It’s been an interesting few days. The energy has stabilized somewhat. I am sleeping better, my dreams often lost to me upon waking. I feel physically good but mentally bored. I long for a deeper connection with the world and with others. Interactions feel superficial in comparison.

Mostly I’ve been keeping busy. This often helps quiet my internal dialogue. I’ve been very physically active, running and lifting weights. Sunday I ran 13.2 miles and then yesterday I ran another 3.1 miles. When I run I don’t think. My mind goes quiet and all that remains is the present moment. It is such a relief! Thus the 13.2 miles on Sunday. lol It got me out of the house, away from the seemingly constant fighting and irritability of my children, and into nature under the wide open blue sky. I felt like I could have run forever until my calves started cramping and I realized my body wasn’t up for it. LOL

Yesterday, I started back working on my CES course (Corrective Exercise Specialist). I have until April to finish it and I do not like leaving things unfinished. Once I pass the test I will be able to use it with my personal trainer certification, if I choose to that is. I have not felt motivated toward that end just yet. However, last night after attending a group run, one of the group members complained of sciatic nerve pain and I showed him and a few others some stretches they could do to help alleviate the pain. One guy got on the floor with me to try it himself. When I showed them the full version of it (shoelace pose), the entire room stopped and gasped at my ability to seemingly contort my body into the position I was in. It made me laugh because 1. I don’t think of myself as flexible and they were commenting on how flexible I am and 2. I hadn’t expected so much attention. As a Leo I am at my best in such situations, so it was fun for me and felt good.

As I mentioned, dreams have been hard to recall lately, but I have had a few that seem significant.

Dream: Into the Vagina

This was a semi-lucid dream/vision. I had just awakened and then fell back to sleep and was in and out of the in-between. Someone took my hand and led me down into my own vagina (yeah really! lol). I entered into a dark tunnel at the end of which I saw a light. It felt like I was being shown something important; something healing. So, I was curious and did not resist.

I floated through the tunnel and found myself in a very brightly lit hospital. There were people, nurses and doctors mostly, hustling about. It felt very comfortable, as if I had spent many, many hours in this place. I remember encountering a female nurse who showed me a clipboard with paperwork on it.

Then I lifted up and floated to other areas of the hospital where I saw rooms with occupants. I never lingered in any spot very long. It was more like I was surveying the scene. As I floated I became more and more lucid and could hear a male voice in the background of my mind, as if he were whispering to me. I knew we were conversing and this peaked my lucidity which then woke me up.

After I awoke, the life where I was a nurse was flashing through my mind. I wondered if perhaps I was being shown past life memories? Maybe there was something from that life that is currently affecting this one, specifically my sacral chakra?

In that life I had been a black woman who worked as a nurse. I do not think I was paid well, nor do I think I got the recognition I deserved considering the era I lived in. I recall becoming infected with Hepatitis C from contact with a dirty syringe and later dying of liver failure. My children sang “I’ll Fly Away” to me on my deathbed in 1963. I had lived in Mississippi.

That was a very abusive life, yet also a very full and rewarding life as a mother and caregiver to others. Perhaps I was being shown the hospital to help remind me of the good I did in that life? Or maybe of my nurturing side? It is hard to know for sure.

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Dream: Dog Race

I was traveling in a car with my husband. We were going to see a woman perform because my husband insisted. He was going on and on about all the reasons this woman was wonderful and there was no convincing him otherwise. I remember being irritated by his tendency to idolize and/or create role models out of others.

As we drove into the city I saw people walking toward the event we were to attend. A woman was dressed (projections, outward appearance) in what looked like a potato bag with a collar. My husband was commenting on how beautiful and elegant her dress was. I made a joke about how uncomfortable it must be to wear.

At some point we split off (different life paths), me alone in my own car. He went to the left and I headed straight. Suddenly, I came to a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes to avoid going through the intersection. There were only two ways to go: left or straight. I opted to go straight.

Very soon after making this decision I realized that I had gone into a circular drive (repeating cycle). I immediately began to search for an exit. The drive led to a dog racing track (looking out for self and own needs) and stadium. I could see the little dogs on the track and hear the announcer on the loud speaker telling the audience how much time was left until the races started. The countdown (feeling strapped for time) was very near zero so I had to find a way out.

I was not in my car during this time. I walked across a green area back toward the entrance. I dragged with me a plush sofa chair (laziness or boredom). Why I was carrying this, I have no clue, but it was with me until the end of the dream. When I got to the entrance I heard the races begin. There was a lady at the entrance locking up the gate with chains and padlocks. When I approached her, I asked where the exit was. She scolded me, telling me that the only way out was through the entrance and that I should have known that. I apologized and asked if she could open it, which she would not. Instead she suggested I squeeze through the gate and between the chains. I tried but said I was too tall and couldn’t fit. Clearly irritated with me, she opened the gate and let me through.

Relieved to be out, I walked to my right. The street was now gone and replaced with the inside of a very nice building reminiscent of a college (lessons). I walked down the hallway and sat on a bench, placing my sofa chair next to me. I waited there, wondering what to do next, and bothered by an itch in the middle of my back that I couldn’t reach (pun on itch that can’t be scratch).

I slowly began to gain lucidity at this time. A song was going through my head – You ain’t never had a friend like me. Along with it were images of my high school days when I was captain of the color guard. Good memories overall, I often smile at the thought of them.

When I awoke the song was on my mind as were the memories of performing the flag routine on a football field for UIL competition. Every time I hear the song I think of that moment and how exhilarating and exciting it was to perform with the other members of the color guard. We won the competition that year. We performed all the songs from Aladdin, routines we all collaborated on but that were mostly created by me. Thus, the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with the memory. When I think of what it is to be a good leader, I think of that year and the amazing feelings that go with it.

As I lingered in bed, I mulled over the dream that preceded the song and wondered what it could mean. Immediately, my husband’s tendency to fixate on certain “awesome” individuals came to mind. He often asks me, “Who is someone you look to as a role model?” I never have one and usually say, “I don’t have any role models.” He can’t understand this and usually presses me, saying, “Think about it. Surely there’s someone you seek to emulate?” I always respond, “Nope.” When he continues to press me, I explain that I see positive traits in everyone, but also negative. There is no person who is “perfect”; all have flaws. Thus, it never made sense to me to select one over all others to be my “role model”. Instead, I tend to appreciate the good traits in those I associate with and work to better those things in myself. That is as close as I ever get to idolizing someone usually. And if I am honest, if I have ever considered idolizing someone I have always found some equally negative aspect in them.

Then I wondered about the end of the dream, how I sat there not knowing what to do. It brought up feelings of apathy about the future and other issues that have plagued me this life. I thought of the “dog race” in the dream and how it reflects previous dream messages – “go slow” and “go forward slowly, it’s not a race to the end”. There was again the feeling of waiting for something, for the years to pass so I could get to the “good parts”. There seemed to be so few of them.

I could feel my inner guide throughout this time, encouraging me to go to my center. This I did frequently, always feeling this comfortable place at my core and the warm energy that goes along with it. The feeling is similar to floating in warm water. No urgency. No fear. Just comfort and ease.

Then I noticed another song came into my mind – I Won’t Back Down.

At first I thought the song was about my husband. It definitely fit his personality. He is so stubborn and persistent!! But now I think it may have been a message to me to keep going, to not give up. Maybe it is both, though.

I am reminded of the years I spent living at my old address near my mom’s house in the country. We lived there 7 years. In that time there was a period when I wanted desperately to leave but no matter how hard I tried, things just didn’t work out. It felt like I was stuck there. There were periods when I despaired over the feeling of needing/wanting to go but being tethered to the spot for reasons unknown to me. I suspected I needed to stay for my mom, but really I had no idea why I had to stay.

Then one day a song came to mind – “7 years went under the bridge”. I don’t remember the whole song now, not even the melody, but that specific portion of the lyrics remains firm in my memory. I had no idea at the time that “7 years” was the key part of the message. 7 years was when the Kundalini suddenly began to return. 7 years was when we sold our house. 7 years was when my grandmother passed away. 7 years was when my third child was born. 7 years was when my mom remarried. 7 years was when I was hit with sudden Knowing that it was Time and I acted upon it.

That was 2014 and things really accelerated after that. But now they are slow again and I am feeling that problematic “stuck” feeling. Sigh. I know that familiar sense of Knowing will come again but when, I don’t know. If is is 7 years like before then I have 3 more to go and that seems like an eternity to me. But hey, if it is that long then I know it will arrive super fast because the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by. Today I’m 42, tomorrow I’m 60. lol

So, in the meanwhile, I’ll keep busy like I always do. I’ll finish my CES course. I’ll keep working. I’ll keep running. I’ll keep being a mom and I’ll keep learning the lessons this period in my life has to teach me. Hopefully, I won’t have to repeat any of them.

 

 

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Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

I’m on alert this morning. Something is up energy-wise. I had a very Kundalini-filled night’s sleep and have been awake since 4:30am. Similarly, I have heard various others had limited or no sleep last night. For example, my SIL called my husband really early this morning because she couldn’t sleep last night. Also, my son was up at 2am from a dream about the center of the Earth being made out of white bread called the “bread stone” that men ate in order to create the other planets (no kidding!). 😀

While at work I saw news that Alaska experienced a 7.0 earthquake. This especially interested me since I use to live in Alaska. I instantly knew it was somehow connected to last night’s sleeplessness.

I thought maybe I had somehow missed that it was a full moon, but nope, it’s at the last quarter, so that can’t be it. Whatever is going on, I am on full alert. The Kundalini is especially active in my heart center today. Hello heart bliss!

Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

This dream began with me watching a version of myself going to the dentist (feeling anxious) and receiving her new retainers. I saw the retainers in a clear case and recall the dentist giving instruction on their use.

Then I was with a man who I had never met in person but had known online. We were at his house/apartment and he was instructing me on how to fit in with his time. It was obvious that I was some 20+ years in the future as so much was different! We talked for a long time about various things, mostly how things were different from my time. He had dark hair and seemed a bit older than me with pale skin and kind eyes. He showed me these special contacts (new awareness needed) that people wore in his time. They allowed people to see things that were not there otherwise. They were like computers that were worn in the eyes. There were five sets and I was focused on the one called “C+” though it looked more like a @ with a C in the middle instead of an A. He told me to buy all five of the different contacts because I would not be able to function in his time without them.

I attempted to use my credit card to buy them. Though my card showed as valid I had to scan a bar-code for the transaction to be approved. I didn’t have one. The man told me if I had been of his time I would have a bar-code on my left hand located between the thumb and the pointer finger. The bar-code made it impossible for anyone to steal another person’s identity or information for their use.

He seemed upset by this news and was concerned about how I would live in his time. I would not be able to see what he saw and would not be able to go out and about and do normal things others could do. I said to him, “Why don’t you come live in my time?” When I said this I had a flash of everything that would happen between my time and his. I knew that for him to come to my time would expose him to a major world war and difficult times he would otherwise not have to endure. It was a lot to ask of him.

He turned to me and asked me,”Why do you stay with me?” I did not hesitate to answer. I immediately hugged him close and said, “I feel good when I’m with you.” There was this lovely feeling that enveloped me when we hugged. My heart exploded in bliss and love. Being with him washed me in this amazing feeling of security but it was intermixed with vulnerability; full-exposure of me – nothing hidden.

Heart Bliss

I awoke, my heart washed in bliss, feeling an amazing love and connection for the man in my dream. Now fully awake, I sought him out and found him/his energy/HS close by. I saw a visual of him standing in front of me. He placed his hand on my heart and I placed mine on his. I was instantly hit with Divine bliss and an overwhelming vulnerability.

The more I allowed our connection the more I felt all the different reactions I had to it. There was fear of the vulnerability and exposure evident. There was also a reaction of fear toward the feeling of loss of control. The connection makes me feel 100% open and exposed and with it I completely surrender. This surrender of self and control of self is what is scary. I want to completely submit to him. This goes against the way I was raised and how I tend to respond to others, especially men. Yet when with the merging of my energy with this masculine energy, this is what I do. Why? Is that how it is suppose to be?

While talking with this energy I saw a vision of a group of people standing in a line facing me. They were all over 40 years old and it felt like they were waiting on me for something. I then had a mini-dream about getting married. Then I saw a vision of a city materialize in front of me. It was like a portal to the city in the future from the dream. I knew it was not on Earth, at least not this Earth.

OBEs

I struggled to fall asleep because of the heart bliss. It kept surging and I would become lost in it. There is nothing like it. It’s so beautiful it nearly always brings me to tears.

Somehow I ended up OOB and in my room. I exited more than four times. Each time I ended up back in my body when I tried to leave the room. One time I surrendered and seemed to fall backwards into a void. When I did this my vision turned on and a ray of light was shining down onto the space in front of the closet. As I floated over to the light, I asked why it was that I was not given any type of evidence that my work here is having an impact. I remember looking down at a piece of paper I held in my hand as I read my mission as if to remind myself why I was here on Earth. I asked for some kind of encouragement – some kind of proof I was doing what I came here to do – explaining that I needed it because it was hard to keep motivated otherwise.

Another time, I exited my body and was able to leave the room by surrendering to the energy – letting go of all control of the situation and experience. Then, I found myself outside of the room floating over the stairs. I floated down the dark stairs, singing to help stabilize my energy. When I headed to the front door I was pulled swiftly back into my body. It felt like I was being told not to roam. Even singing didn’t help, which it usually does.

When I came into my body I was fully relaxed, my body buzzing with soothing vibrations, my heart still firing up with waves of bliss. A song – Kansas City – was in my head:


And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I’m going back to Kansas City

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Melancholy

I just returned from a vacation with my husband. We celebrated our 11th anniversary by taking a trip to Rainbow Hearth Lodge which is located on Lake Buchanan. We stayed three days and two nights. The interesting thing is that on Thanksgiving, as I talked with my mom about our trip to the first state park on day 1, both my brother-in-laws looked at me in shock and told me they were going to be at the very same park at the exact same time. Neither had shared their plans with me or my husband as they knew we had a trip planned already. So, we ended up hanging with family on the first day of our trip all because of a “coincidence”. Ha!

The trip was fun and busy. We visited two state parks, running trails and hiking. By the end we ran over 16 miles and hiked around 4. In between we relaxed in our room and enjoyed the home cooking of the lady who owns the lodge while chatting with the other guests, a total of three women. Yeah, it’s a very small place and that’s why we like it.

We fished on Lake Buchanan the first day, after our visit to Inks Lake. I caught a black bass, about a 3lb one. Afterwards, my husband looked like he wanted to try so I handed him my rod and went to fetch another. By the time I got back he had tangled the line so I gave him the one I fetched and fixed the tangled mess. While I was fixing my rod he tangled the other one (a push-button) into such a bird’s nest that I started to laugh at his total lack of fishing know-how. He had been trying to fly fish with a regular rod and reel. LOL Ultimately, I gave up on him. I didn’t get another chance to fish but I was happy with my one. 🙂

Overall I had a good time. I couldn’t sleep the first night but crashed the second. I think the near 12 mile run did me in, but in a good way. I got my fill of nature, that’s for sure!

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Dream: Tattooed Man

As I mentioned, the first night at the lodge I struggled to fall asleep. This always happens to me in new places, so I wasn’t surprised. Eventually I fell asleep but had a very odd dream.

I was aware of both laying in my bed and being outside with a tiny monkey (intuition, feeling playful) on my shoulder. The monkey was trying to get away. I saw a playground in the distance with kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.

In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel the Kundalini energy stirring. It seemed like I was working with the energy, trying to build it. I remember turning to the man who I thought was my husband and waking him up. He rolled over and sat on top of me. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I couldn’t see his face it was as if someone had smudged it out or blurred it. I didn’t care, though, because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling, palms pressed against it as if holding it up (could indicate strength, support). I could see tattoos (trying to get me to notice him, to communicate something) up and down his arms. They were in dark ink and some were very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.

When I woke I was in shock and my heart was still lit up along with my lower charkas. I knew the man from the dream couldn’t have been my husband. Who was he? Whoever he was, he made sure to wish me a happy anniversary on the day of my anniversary. The Kundalini gift he gave was awesome, too!

Message: Go Slow

The next morning, after a wonderful night’s sleep that was mostly dreamless, I woke up to a familiar and long-missed connection. My heart lit up and, honestly, it surprised the heck out of me. The energy of the connection swirled up gently from my root to my heart and into my throat where it seemed to get stuck. It felt very much like trapped emotion, trapped communication, yet at the same time I could feel this overwhelming love mixed with such sadness. It felt like mine but not mine, like it was shared with me and, thus, became mine also.

As is usual when I feel this connection I began to cry. It’s not from sadness but from joy. I felt/heard to not cry and was told “go slow” and that time was needed. As the connected faded (it started at 5:30 and went until sunrise), a song came into my mind:

Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said
Then you say, “Go slow“, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time

Since returning home I have been depressed. Though the trip was a good one it felt a bit forced and as a result I felt that familiar emptiness inside expand to where I could not ignore it. We returned on Sunday and each morning since I have awakened to the emptiness. This morning was the worst.

Dream: Race to the End

This dream began with me attending to a pregnant (connection to motherhood) woman. I recall her being in the hospital and me standing up by her shoulders as she struggled through her labor pains. Mostly I remember the white hospital room and operating table that she was laying on.

Then I was running in a circle as part of a 5K race. Somehow I ended up separated from the group. The group was running on a track in a gym (learn from lessons). I could see them next to where I was. I was running on a track inside a room, like someone’s house because it had brown carpet (refusal to acknowledge something) and appliances. The pregnant women was sitting in a recliner, her newborn baby in her arms.

I kept looking at my watch (consideration of time) as I ran making sure that my pace was as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the obstacles on my course kept getting in my way. I bumped the new mother causing her to yell out in pain. I said sorry but kept running, continuing to look at my watch. Eventually, I stumbled into a carpet cleaning machine and knocked it over. The liquid inside spilled all over the floor. The new mother went to clean it up and I stopped because I knew I had to help. I was frustrated, though, because I could see the others on the track continuing to run without me and I knew my time would suffer.

When I woke from this dream I was in an awful depressed mood. The empty feeling was very prominent and my inability to rid myself of it causes me much distress. My thoughts centered around how this place is not real and how everything I do seems to have no real point. I saw the dream as a reminder of how I am just running around and around in circles.

A song was going through my head as I struggled to be more positive. The specific part I heard was, “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface…”

At first I thought the song was just a remnant of yesterday because I had heard it in the car, but it continued to follow me throughout the day. When I looked at the lyrics I kept being drawn to this:

It’s like you told me
Go forward slowly
It’s not a race to the end

But the entire song is quite poignant. It’s about how we wear masks and keep our true selves hidden. Ultimately, I believe that is why I am feeling so sad since coming back from my trip.

I feel very, very much like I am in the wrong place….. time ….. life.

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Healing: Triggers and Dreams

Not much going on with me lately. My two oldest are home for Thanksgiving break and so I am quite a bit more distracted than usual.

I do not look forward to Thanksgiving day. My husband has invited everyone to our house this year, so it will be a very looooong day.

Yesterday I went to the dentist to have old fillings repaired. It was not a pleasant experience. I got panicky when they gave me the lidocane because it made my throat numb to the point that when I was laying down it felt like I was drowning. My blood pressure was super high (145/80) and had it not been for the laughing gas I think I would have passed out from the panic. I left with four repaired fillings two hours after I arrived and grateful that it was over.

Just now I am thinking how the thought of family here for Thanksgiving give me a very similar feeling to the dentist. lol I wish I had some laughing gas to help me cope! I will likely drink lots of wine instead. 🙂

After Thanksgiving my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. I decided we should try and celebrate with a trip, just the two of us, since we seldom celebrate at all. My husband said he wanted to go to Rainbow Hearth Lodge, the place I went on my solo retreat earlier this year. So, I booked us two nights in the sky loft.

I would like to visit two state parks – Inks Lake and Colorado Bend State Park – and then fish at Lake Buchanan as much as I can. My ideal plan would be to visit Inks Lakes early on the 23rd and run some of the trails there. Then on the 24th (our anniversary) I want to visit Colorado Bend State Park and run the trail to the waterfall. In between we will enjoy the lake and prepared meals at the lodge.

Since booking the room, tensions between my husband and I have intensified. We are just not on the same wavelength. I am hoping it does not mess up the trip. The last time we took a trip to celebrate our anniversary was in 2013 when I was pregnant with my third child. We went to San Antonio to see the Alamo. Sadly, it rained the whole weekend. I never got to go to the Alamo because the night we arrived I got the stomach flu really, really bad. Being I was pregnant at the time it was three times as bad as normal. I was sick the entire trip. 😦

Time for Healing

I have read several blog posts about this particular time being the perfect time for healing. This feels very real to me right now. Not only am I taking time to “heal” my physical body (dentist yesterday, eye doctor today) but I am feeling especially drawn to change my diet again. I am avoiding breads and simple carbs as much as possible. I would like to go gluten-free again but with the holidays this is not going to be easy. So I am just focusing on eating gluten in moderation.

There is also the feeling of working on relationships, a kind of fine-tuning and re-evaluation. I think my anniversary trip will be good for this. I have been feeling especially disconnected from people as well and this could also be purposeful, though how has yet to be revealed.

One especially triggering relationship is the one I have with my MIL. As I mentioned in a previous post, we are practically giving her our Prius because of her inability to afford a new car. I am especially triggered by my MIL’s lack of preparation for her own retirement and her continued and purposeful dependence on her son’s. She has told me more than once that she expects her sons to take care of her and that she doesn’t intend to save money for future problems that might arise (such as her car problems). She makes plenty of money to pay for her own living expenses but chooses instead to use the money for things she wants and let her son’s pay for the necessities. It really bothers me that she is like this and proud of it. In contrast, I see my own mother, how she worked hard for her retirement and will not ask for help from me or my sisters unless she absolutely has to. As a result, I feel a high respect and admiration for my mom and would help her with anything she asks.

So, every time my MIL asks for help, etc (which usually means quite a bit of money) I get really, really resentful. I am working on this, trying to approach it/her with love, but it is very, very difficult! I have awful thoughts, thoughts I should not have, and it creates a lot of guilt at times. I feel this MIL scenario is a repeat from my previous marriage. They say lessons repeat until they are learned. This is one of mine. 😦

Similarly, it seems that healing is on the agenda for dreamtime. I went to bed last night thinking about the beautiful heart-centered, soul connections I have felt in the past. It was brought on by reading a blog post about just such connections. Prior to bed I asked to go OOB or at least have a lucid dream involving such connections but knew immediately that my request would not be granted because there was “work to be done.”

Dream: Unfair

The dream began with my step-father going to the doctor to treat an aggressive, cancerous (need to be more positive) growth. I recall hearing the doctors describe it as “cauliflower (sad, need to be uplifted) shaped” while I saw in my mind an image of a flower-like, white mass of cells.

The dream fast-forwards to a time after my step-father passed away. My mom is beside herself with grief and trying to organize a gathering at their house to honor her husband’s life.

Time fast-forwards again. I am sitting in my old bedroom on the bed in shock. My mom had not lived very long after her husband’s death. It was a surprise to the whole family. I am a bit non-emotional. Not numb but content and accepting of all that happened.

I piled up a bunch of books (wisdom) my mom (aspect of self) had and put them in a box to go to the trash. The books were various kinds, some of poetry (inspiration) others about life and how to manage stress and other unexpected life events. As I sat thinking I realized I should probably not toss all the books and so went back to the box to retrieve them. The box was full of water (emotion) when I checked but this seemed normal in the dream. I spotted a poetry book and reached in and retrieved it and then flipped through it’s pages. I remember thinking I didn’t like to read poetry but decided to keep it anyway because it had been my mom’s.

I dug deeper into the box somehow ending up inside the box and completely under water. Once inside, the water seemed not to exist. Instead, I was sitting with a woman discussing something I can’t recall now. She asked me, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I miss my mama.” With my words a huge amount of grief washed over me seeming to originate from my throat. It felt like I was gagging on grief it was so intense! I could sense of huge ball of energy in my throat that felt to be three times the size of it. This ball of grief came up and out through my third-eye and crown. I heaved as if throwing up and tears poured out of my eyes. This happened twice before it woke me up and a third time once I was awake.

Once awake it took me a while to compose myself. I was a bit confused by the sudden outpouring of grief over a dream. In considering my emotion it did not seem in anyway connected to losing my mother. What it seemed to be connected to was the unfairness of what happened to her in the dream. She had finally found her true love after an entire lifetime without him. When she was in her mid-sixties. they reconnected and she married him. Then just four years later he was taken from her.

Of course, none of the dream scenario has actually happened. My mom and step-father are happily married and there is no indication of either being sick.

A song was going through my head as I attempted to return to sleep:

Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out

Dream: Healing

The dream from before seemed to continue, only instead of my step-father dying he was still alive and my mom had died before him. I was talking to my step-father about what he was going to do. He invited me to come live with him in their house to be his partner. I thought it weird and asked him why he would even consider it. He responded that at least we were family and I was a part of her (my mom).

There was discussion then about how my sisters would react if my mom died – the greed and fighting over the scraps left behind. It made me sad and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. The sadness turned into the gut wrenching grief again but it was less intense and did not wake me.

Then I was inside a large building that reminded me of an administrative building of some sort. I walked into a room where a couple of women were standing. It felt like I was reporting to them. One woman looked at me strangely so I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked (vulnerable). I apologized saying, “I’m sorry. I always do that, don’t I?” I had a bag with me and put on a large sweatshirt (need to relax) and a pair of bikini bottoms (emotionally vulnerable). I said to her, “For some reason I only have a swimsuit.”

It felt like I was in a mental hospital. My sisters were there with me but I can’t remember it all now. It seemed like we were discussing the above dream scenario and how each would react. I remember leaving my sisters with the woman and going to the door. I opened it and saw a long hallway leading to another locking door. I held the door open waiting for my sisters but they never came. One woman looked at me disapprovingly and I knew I needed to not hold the door open. So, I went through and let it lock behind me.

I didn’t enter a long hallway, instead I was traveling with my older sister to an industrial complex. I believe my step-father was there with us. She was looking for a specific building but we couldn’t find it. A man approached me at one point. He stared at me and I realized I knew him. He asked me to kiss him, saying if I did he would lead me where I needed to go. I did not want to kiss him but opted to give him a peck on his lips. This was enough and he led me away.

We entered a very large swimming pool (healing) filled with all kinds of people. I waded through the clear water for a while.

I can’t remember much else from this point on except some strange tangents off of the dream involving a house with three rooms, one full of crystals (healing), and then going upstairs to a green carpeted music room that had a fish aquarium full of orange sucker fish (ideas from subconscious).

 

 

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Volatile

The energy has been volatile hasn’t it?

As soon as I typed this sentence, I felt drawn to look up the word “volatile” and the history of the word seemed very significant:

Volatile was originally for the birds – quite literally. Back in the 14th century, volatile was a noun that referred to birds (especially wild fowl) or other winged creatures, such as butterflies. That’s not as flighty as it sounds. Volatile traces back to the Latin verb volare, which means “to fly.” By the end of the 16th century, people were using volatile as an adjective for things that were so light they seemed ready to fly. The adjective was soon extended to vapors and gases, and by the early 17th century, volatile was being applied to individuals or things as prone to sudden change as some gaseous substances.  SOURCE

Interesting, eh? Perhaps this is a good message, a message that we are becoming “so Light” that we are preparing to take flight?

For me, personally, “volatile” does seem to be THE word for the last few days, specifically beginning on Friday, October 16th. That day was super-volatile! Perhaps it was astrological? Venus went direct and Mercury went retrograde in the same day. Whew! There was quite a bit of combustible energy between my husband and I that day for sure. Communication was definitely not our strong point. His temper flared quite a bit and my patience waned. I think my Gemini husband is particularly sensitive to Mercury retrograde, though.

I continue to experience odd sleep interruptions and overly dry and eczema-prone skin, but now I am also re-experiencing a total inability to tolerate noise, specifically talking/conversation that seems to have no point or is superficial in nature. I just want everyone to be quite and leave me alone. I am also struggling with reactions to the overly dry air here in Texas. My nose hurts so bad (dry) that it wakes me up and keeps me from returning to sleep. 😦 My eyes shift from being dry and itchy to watery. I haven’t been able to wear my contacts for 2 months. The humidifier doesn’t help.

Nature is still the best remedy and I continue to go outside for walks or runs. Being indoors just triggers the hell out of me right now!

Then yesterday, on my way to a nearby trail for a run, I got hit with a sudden panic attack. It was early on as I was making my way to the toll road entrance ramp. The thought of driving on the toll road caused an immediate increase in my heart rate to the point that I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe and got an instant headache. The minute I shifted lanes and pulled over all of it stopped. I was still shaking as I drove home but only from the adrenaline rush. It literally felt like I narrowly avoided death, which is completely illogical in every way!

I haven’t had a panic attack like that in over a year. I don’t understand it and normally I would have just pushed through it but this one came on so suddenly that it completely threw me. My old coping mechanisms didn’t work. It was as my body gave me no choice but to turn around.

When I got home my head still hurt so I got into bed and made my room as dark as possible. After about a half hour I felt better and so took my dog on a walk/run. Not long after my husband agreed to go with me on a trail run. We went on the same panic-inducing route as I had just been on without incident and had a good run.

Dreams

Dreamwork is focused on a major second chakra (sacral) blockage. It is obvious to me now that I am working through trauma from other lifetimes. There may be some from this lifetime but I have not touched on anything from this life that I am aware of.

I was awakened around 3am from an intensely sexual dream. Once again I was having sexual relations with a very young girl. This time the young girl was about 12 years old and black. I suspect she represented me from another lifetime.

The dream didn’t begin with the little girl present. At first I was with three others – a young man and his girlfriend and my own boyfriend. My boyfriend appeared to be teen aged (15-16 years old). He had very dark hair (black or dark brown) and was familiar to me. I have seen him in countless other dreams. We planned to meet every night for a week in a field (growth). I remember going to this field and seeing an old 1960’s pickup (work) parked in the field. My boyfriend and I got into the back of the pickup. I remember knowing that we had already met up for a full week and that it was time for us to have sex. Only we never had sex. The dream shifted away from the scene.

Then I was with three other women, all teen aged as well. We were also paired up, only one of the other women wanted me to consider pairing with her as well (like a threesome). She came up and asked me if I would consider her. I told her that I would not and she accepted this answer without incident.

I remember meeting up with all of the women near a river at night. It was very peaceful and serene. There was a lot of snuggling and closeness but nothing sexual. It was like we were just there to be loved.

Then I was with my female partner. She was young and black and familiar to me. When we got intimate in the dream it woke me up. The area of my body where my second chakra is located was sore and remained so for a while after. It was sore enough to keep me from getting comfortable. It was like back labor but much less intense.

I remember asking my guidance why I kept having these sexual dreams with very young girls. I was told, “Less traumatizing”. I understood then that the dreams were part of a healing process; a working through of a major second chakra blockage that was the result of lifetimes of feeling violated by men. The black girl represented me from a lifetime in which I was gang raped by a group of white boys.

Dream: The Gambler

This dream began in a yoga (balance, harmony) class. The class was very full. The teacher asked up to step back into Warrior 2. When I did I realized quickly that I did not have enough room. I had to move over and then saw I was wearing shoes that made me slip and slide.

There was discussion here about how to focus on the Nothing. It was more visual than an actual discussion. I saw two bubbles. Within them were scenes of my life. The Nothing was between the bubbles. It was made clear to me that if I remained focused on the Nothing that the issues within the bubbles would no longer be issues. Those things in the bubbles that were meant to grow into more, would. Those that were meant to resolve/dissolve, would.

Then I was going to work after a day off. My work space was alongside others. There was a long desk with several computer monitors on it. It was spotless and I knew I had cleaned (clearing work has been done) it before I left. I thought that no one must have come in on Thursday otherwise it would have been a mess.

I sat at the table (family connections) talking to my son (masculine aspect) as the yoga teacher from earlier in the dream served us food. My son wouldn’t eat but then changed his mind opting for a taco (warmth and comfort).

Then I entered into a restaurant-bar. Behind the bar was a bartender (attempt to escape). At some tables were coworkers having a beer (unconscious, avoidance). The bartender asked me if I believed a certain blue drink would be a deeper blue if served another way. I said I didn’t think it mattered. He showed me a hose hooked to a tank of blue drink. I said it did look more blue. He showed me a pink-red drink as well and said the key was to mix the two drinks. I saw an entire tank of the blue drink. Note: I think the drinks are a spin on the Matrix pills. 

Red PIll vs. Blue Pill | Red Pill | Know Your MemeHe said, “Hopefully we sell it all tonight.” I said, “It is suppose to be busy?” He nodded, “Yes. It’s always busy on Fridays (end of difficult task).” I said,”How was yesterday? Did anyone come in?” He said, “No.” I said, “I thought so. No one went to work either.”

As I walked out, I paused and looked down at my watch (feeling limited/restrained). I noticed the strap was breaking (lost track of what I need to do). I was discouraged because I had just bought a new band (wholeness) and now it was already breaking. After peeling the broken part off the band stayed on. I removed it and salvaged the broken piece and put the watch in my purse for later.

Before walking out someone at a table said something to me. All I remember now is the word “Friend” but for some reason I thought of a song. I sang, “You gotta know when to hold em….” I laughed and said, “Kenny Rogers!” As I left I was singing the entire song.

When  I woke the song felt very much like a message indicating that I would know when to act and when to wait. This has been a consistent message for me over the years and has always been true. Waiting sucks but when you make a move at the right moment things go very smoothly and you “win” in the end.

 

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Precipice

The last couple of days have been interesting. After my nauseous feeling in the grocery store the other day an urge to change has been gradually taking form. In fact, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that if I don’t do something to make my and my family’s eco-footprint smaller that I am letting down Mother Earth and the future of humanity.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling that nausea again, this time at work. It was slight and almost unnoticeable this time. However, my thoughts were stuck on shifting my way of life so that I am creating less waste. It was, at first, overwhelming. How can I make the change I want to make without completely tossing all that I have built and am use to?

My first thought was that I need to just start small. For example, stop buying paper towels and use hand towels instead. Then buying less pre-packaged foods such as the pre-washed spinach we buy weekly. But thinking of changing just these little things makes me want to change everything to the point of wishing we had an outdoor market I could visit every other day so as to avoid the grocery store altogether. In fact, just the idea of my next visit to the grocery store makes me a little sick inside. Yet I know it is unavoidable.

I talked to my husband this morning about my ideas and he is fully on board. In fact, he is wanting to be a bit more extreme than me even, suggesting we sell our house and buy and RV to live in! I told him that was a bit rash for my tastes but that a downsize was definitely on my agenda at some point in time. I just can’t imagine five people squished into an RV no matter how big it is. I might want to downsize but I still need my space!!

Currently we are discussing buying an electric car to replace our Prius when/if my MIL decides to take it. Previously we had tried to give her our Mazda5 and she refused it, despite it being completely free and clear. So we traded it in on a new minivan only to find out my MIL’s car needed more repairs and would not pass inspection. So, now we are at square one again with her needing a car and no one else in the family being in a position to really help but us. We, again, have a good, used car to offer that we owe very little on and can pay off and give to her. I am a bit reluctant, however, because she keeps changing her mind and it is infuriating me! I just can’t handle it for much longer. Who the hell doesn’t take a perfectly good FREE  used HYBRID car when offered? My MIL I guess!!!

What I envision eventually doing is rejecting the suburban life completely and opting for a communal-type living environment for my family. This would be the ideal scene but there are not many such places available around here nor nation-wide. We could, I guess, create one of our own, which would require purchasing a large plot of land (50-100 acres) and splitting the costs with other families. My husband’s family is already open to this but no action has been taken other than looking at land nearby. The ideal living situation would be a central house where gatherings and eating would take place and then smaller houses for individual families.

This is just where my heart takes me. If I continue to feel sick about my current living situation (suburbia, middle class lifestyle) then I think ultimately I will feel forced to make changes like the ones above. There also seems to be a feeling that suggests at some point humanity will “implode” and be forced into living simply again and respecting the earth. “Implode” here just means we will destroy ourselves from the inside via our habits and tendencies to over indulge. The biggest threat humanity faces is itself.

Dreams

On to my dreamwork…..

A dream theme dominated last night: Test.

In the first dream I was trying to leave my house to head to school to take an “important test”. It felt like a qualifying test of some sort, like a test to graduate or make it to the next level. I was rushing about trying to get out of the house 15 minutes before the start date because I knew that was how long it would take to drive to school from my house.

When I arrived at the school I was just in time. I ran into my old best friend and her brother. Both told me not to worry and joking that they just randomly answered questions and still expected to pass. I was told to head to room #102. The lady said, “Take one right (follow the heart), then another and room #102 will be on your right.” When she said this I saw the door (entry into unknown) with the number above as if I had been in the school many times.

I woke from this dream because I was cold. The temps have been below freezing at night (28° last night) and so I have been waking around 4am with either a cold nose or feet (or both). My poor nose! lol Anyway, I returned to sleep quickly and resumed the dream theme.

This time I was with my husband heading to the school to take an important test. He wanted to stop off and socialize with the neighbors (of course!). I protested but ended up going with him. There was a gathering at a neighbor’s house to watch a movie for the kids. We all sat in their living room watching the movie but I was distracted and irritable. The neighbor was a typical suburban housewife and annoyed the hell out of me. I just didn’t like her and wanted her to go away. What I remember most about her was her very fat fingers as she offered me popcorn.

I kept checking the time to make sure we had 10 minutes to get to the school. My husband kept lingering and being overly social. Ultimately, I remember accepting I would likely be late and letting go of my biases about the housewife. When I did, she stopped looking chubby and became more normal looking. I heard a voice in the dream, like my own conscious, reminding me to stop being so critical and remember to love. The dream became more fun then and I lightened up. The housewife put on a mask (projections) from a glass covered bookshelf and was acting silly.

Messages

As I woke the feeling of a test coming was very strong. It felt important but I don’t ever know what these tests are until they arrive. As I struggled to stay warm under my covers I somehow fell into the in-between where a male guide was close. His energy enveloped me as he told me to consider that perhaps things were happening as they were to bring about new and wonderful life events that could not occur otherwise. Then I saw a vision of myself eating a soft shelled taco. Tacos symbolize warmth and comfort. A soft shelled one represents an accepting and open attitude. 🙂

As I embraced the warmth of his energy and a familiar song came to mind. This line repeated over and over: Walk along the path unknown…… My recent dream of going “off road” came to mind.

Once I acknowledged the music message the song faded and my guide said, “October 24th.” I didn’t know what it meant but felt I should check my previous blog posts for posts written on that date. I found this one: A Lesson on Aging. The last line stands out to me: “Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?”

So perhaps I am preparing for just this type of “test”? I can’t help but feel as if I am standing on a precipice. Perhaps many of us are about to be asked to take a leap of faith?