I’ve been unable to fall asleep for two nights straight. 😦 I’ve been so tired, too. The night before last when I would start to doze my entire head would light up with energy and my body would feel odd, as if it was expanding. This would wake me up and then it would start all over again as I would drift off. I didn’t fall asleep until midnight that night. Then last night the same thing happened but I would startle awake as if I needed to do something important. My daughter was also up from a sore throat and congestion so it took me even longer to fall asleep.
Even now, as I sit here typing, my head feels weird and I have energy in my neck, specifically right were the neck and head meet.
I don’t remember any dreams from last night but the night before I had an odd one.
Dream: School Library
The dream started out in a school library (evaluation of some situation) with my mom (aspect of me, likely as a “mom”). Spread out on the floor were thin white (new beginnings) sheets (new phase of development). Kindergartners (unresolved feelings of separation) were having their naps. Each began to wake up and most of them peed their pants (release of negative emotion) and the floor was wet with urine.
There was a whole discussion about starting an Amazon business. I recall giving advice about it and suggesting a less risky way of starting out by buying 9 boomboxes rather than stocking up on a hundred and using Amazon Prime to mail them out. I said it was better to mail them individually from home. The whole time we talked about this I was surveying the library. I believe this conversation was about taking risk and how to mitigate unexpected losses.
Then there were animals where the kids once were. Most were puppies (carefree nature) that had urinated all over. There was discussion about potty training (desire to change some situation) and using a schedule to do so. I remember petting them and that one turned into a large bird (goals, hopes, dreams) that pushed it’s head into my hand like a cat would.
The library morphed into a kind of retreat center for healing. My mom was a self-admitted patient. I could feel her sadness and was trying to comfort her. I discovered she had been there 2.5 years. There was an older man with white hair, very tall, who was suppressing her, making her feel unworthy. He often made her doubt herself and her progress by saying suggestive things like, “Are you sure?” or “Maybe you shouldn’t”.
The man was just in her memory, though, long dead, yet to her he was very much alive still and around her and in her mind inserting doubt and upset. When I learned he was dead I thought about telling her I could talk to him and then decided not to because it may upset her. I could see a large slash (need for understanding) across his forehead (mental implications) parallel to his eyebrows. I assumed this was how he died.
When I suggested it was time for her to leave we were standing on a bridge (important decision, critical juncture in life) looking down at the water. I saw a blue bird dead (loss of hopes, dreams) floating down the stream (flow of emotion).
Vision
After this dream I saw a herd of horses (freedom, strength, power, sexuality) that had just been released. When I looked at them, though, they were all blind (lack of awareness). This vision upset me and I woke up fully. I believe it indicates that I have unleashed a part of myself but am unaware of it or maybe of how to handle this part. The message felt like “So you did it. Now what will you do with it?” It seems I am refusing to see/acknowledge this part of myself. This lack of acknowledgment (purposefully ignoring her maybe?) is likely to lead to unconscious reactions, behaviors, thoughts, urges or patterns. Eek!
Music Message
When I woke I was talking to someone but can’t recall all of the conversation now. As this male energy left a song came into my mind, specifically the part, “Got me feeling drunk and high, so high, so high.” :
Considerations
I believe the dream was showing me a part of myself that is in need of healing. The older man from the dream that was suppressing this part of me may represent an authoritative masculine from this or another life. Whoever or whatever he represents, it is clear that the result if self-doubt and depression. The 2.5 year time frame may be the last 2.5 years of my life, the next 2.5 years or some other time. It is hard to say for sure. My best guess is it is about the last 2.5 years. My overall feeling in the dream, though, was compassion for myself and a desire to help, which is good. The discussion indicated that the path toward healing should be gradual so as to reduce the likelihood of regression.
This morning I am feeling once again overwhelmed by my life. Too much to do, too little time. This isn’t helped by my lack of sleep.
Okay, so the Kundalini was just taking a break. Wow. Where to begin?
I guess I will just relay what happened. Are you ready? It’s intense.
I went to bed around 9:30pm. I was asked by my guidance if I would reconsider my previous decision (opportunity missed). I agreed that I would.
Vision
A man stood completely naked in front of me. I felt pulled into the vision.
We stood facing each other and did not touch but the energy was very intense between us and my entire body felt overcome by it. It was not sexual. Instead it just felt blissful but not at it’s full potential yet. I could sense there was more there that would build if I allowed it.
The man asked me to follow him and I did. He sat down cross-legged in a circle that was drawn in white chalk on the ground. I knew to sit across from him cross-legged. Our knees were barely touching and both of us were naked. He drew something on his forehead with his finger. I don’t know if there was paint on his finger but I saw a line drawn vertically between his eyes. He then leaned over and drew the same line between my eyes.
I don’t recall much after this except feeling deliriously drunk on bliss. In fact, I was so relaxed and at ease with our combined energy that I must have drifted into the in-between for some time. We were talking throughout most of this but I only remember feeling completely in tune with him. Our energies matched so well and it seemed as if we were reacquainting ourselves with one another.
Then I remember hearing him say to me that he wanted to see me. I think he said, “Let me see you” but all I really remember is the word “see”. It wasn’t the words that brought me out of my reverie though, but the sensations of a force entering between my shoulder blades. It felt focused and was around the size of a closed fist in diameter. From within this space my own energy reached out and swirled around the other as if dancing.
Then we, both our energies dancing and swirling together, rose upward through my throat and into my head. When at my third-eye and right when I heard the word “see”, I felt as if I was no longer myself, like someone else took over, but I know this is not true. It was more that I released myself into the care of this new me – US. My eyes felt to be forced open and in front of me was nothingness; a blank, deep blue (indigo?) expanse. In the distance was a blinding white light, just far enough away to notice but not within reach yet.
Wide awake now, the energy slowly retreated and control was returned to me. I was left shocked, eyes wide open, looking at my bedroom and wondering what had just happened. The sensation of this was so new to me, so overwhelmingly beautiful and powerful that I needed time to recover. How could I be so BIG? How could this even be happening? How was it even possible? And what does it mean? What will happen when that energy – the energy of US – exits through my crown? What will I become? Will I cease to be? It seemed like it. In fact, when my eyes opened seemingly outside of my own control, it felt as if I was transformed and not in a bad way, just a different way.
There was conversation throughout all this but I don’t recall specifics now. I just remember feeling fully trusting of this masculine energy. My solar plexus felt odd, as if it was stretching, and the odd energy just sat below my rib cage. I realized it was my anticipation and apprehension of what was coming. Fear of the unknown. Resistance to losing myself; losing control.
All of this happened between 9:30-10pm.
Somehow I fell back to sleep, which is unheard of for me, but the energy of Us was so beautiful that I know it was why I drifted off. There is nothing like it.
Dream: Blind Date
I entered into a dream where I was with a girlfriend preparing to go to dinner at a place where men and woman came to connect. It wasn’t a dating scene but more like an exchange place, like exchanging information but with the intent to connect. It seemed like my friend had set me up on a blind date (unknown aspects of self being revealed) but I am not sure. The feeling was that I was just following her lead.
As I sat with my friend at the table with two men we played a getting-to-know-you game. Each of us would take turns giving the name of one of our previous partners. The man on my left was asking me why I looked so concerned and I said, “I can fit all my previous partners on these two hands.” I held up my ten fingers as proof. It seemed like so few, like I was inexperienced and behind the others. I recall someone chuckling and I remember in my mind being reminded of boyfriends in school. I remembered one specifically and thought, “Oh.” That would mean there were more than 10 then.
There are sensations and images during this time of very feminine things. The color pink was prominent as was lace and girly attire. It seemed like my blind date was not suited for me and he and my friend and some others departed. They walked to the bus stop but I forgot my purse and cell phone and went to retrieve them. When I turned they were yelling back that we must have missed the bus (temporary setbacks). I slowed down and picked up my things which included a small backpack. When I turned back around the group was running full speed up the road to the intersection. I heard, “The bus is here!”
Figuring I had missed my chance I lingered still. A man approached who I didn’t know. He was fairly tall, lean and average looking, though he seemed familiar to me. He came up to me and introduced himself. I don’t remember his name now but in the dream I called him by it. I told him I missed the bus. He offered to walk me home. I accepted his invitation and asked him to take my backpack (decisions and responsibilities) while I picked up my things. He did this gladly. When I took back my backpack, which was very small now, I looked at him and he smiled. I knew him but was not sure how, but he felt like a friend and I trusted him. We walked toward the intersection together, holding hands.
Meet Me in the Middle
At this point the scene shifted suddenly and I was laying down next to the man from the previous ceremonial vision (above). We were both facing up. He was on my right. I was asked to focus on him. When I looked, all I could see was his heart, the rest was completely empty and black. It was as if I was looking into his physical body. What I saw was not an organ, though, but what looked much like a uterus and ovaries within the center of his chest. There was a heart shaped “uterus” heart in the center and two “branches” with circular discs on either side. I could hear him invite me inside of him. I can’t recall the words used as it was more of a sense of “come and get me” that was sent to me.
I did not hesitate and imagined both my hands reaching into his heart space. Yet it was not my hands that entered but all of me, as if my entire Being entered his heart. I felt swept up into his energy, swirling and then suddenly he was me and I was him; We were One.
My memory here is dizzying. It was as if I was swirling so fast that I ceased to have any memory of myself as this human in this body. We swirled upward together but I became overwhelmed by the bliss of Us and this new Beingness I was experiencing. So I came out of my reverie again, breathing as if I had just run a race but with more depth. Every breath was bliss so I breathed in so deep, deeper than I have ever breathed.
The energy continued to intensify for a while after this. I continued to get glimpses of the white light. My crown felt to explode upward and outward and I sense – I still sense – that I am very, very close to whatever comes next.
I realized then that I had been asked to meet this masculine presence “in the middle” previous to this but had not understood. In fact, earlier in the day I heard a song with the lyrics, “Meet me in the middle”.
The message meant that rather than be fully pursued, which was nice and exhilarating to experience, I also needed to pursue him (the masculine). To meet him with the same intensity that he came to meet me with. Equal.
Considerations
I have no doubt that what I experienced this morning is leading up to a full Kundalini rising experience. Though I have had many experiences with the Kundalini, never have I had one like this. I feel so very blessed this morning. The bliss, which I have experienced many times before, was beyond amazing and I could sense that I was only experiencing a tiny portion of my full potential. Where this is going, how I will be changed, is yet to be known. I am not afraid and completely open to what is to come.
And on a positive – I have absolutely no physical body issues (aches, pains, strange sensations) this morning even after all that intensity and no psychological freaking out or triggering, etc. Very good news!
I continue to be really tired. Mostly it manifests as me sleeping in every morning and waking up feeling as if I took a sleeping pill – groggy, heavy eyelids, lingering in bed. Once I wake up I am okay. The third-eye and crown chakra activity has subsided and the Kundalini appears to be taking a break.
Dreamwork
The dreamwork continues but most of the dreams I have are lost upon waking now. I am just too tired to care. This morning one dream lingered upon waking along with a song and a sense that the “opportunity” that I had many syncs and dreams indicating was coming, has already come and gone. I missed it, I guess, and a part of me is kicking myself for it.
This morning’s dream goes along with a dream theme that has been recurrent for some time now: Montana. The dream scene varies, sometimes it is beautiful and green and other times covered in ice and snow. Sometimes I am in a large, log cabin or inside a structure of some sort, but most of the time I am out in the mountains or flying over them. Just talking about it brings to mind so many vivid experiences – watching a whale flying through the sky, traveling with a group to a lodge cabin mansion, and meeting up with a man at the top of a mountain while surrounded by hundreds of cats (yeah! lol).
Montana appears to symbolize my own, personal spiritual journey. I connect the mountains with being Home, a place that, to me, has a special feeling of “arrival”, peace, release and acceptance.
Dream: Modge Podge Montana
This entire dream took place inside a very large lodge (feeling stuck in life) in the mountains of Montana (spiritual journey). I did not go outside, so I never actually saw the mountains.
I was with a group of individuals, most unfamiliar to me in this life. I recall being with my current family as well as with my ex-husband’s family, specifically his mother. The dream seemed to mix the two life experiences as if to show me the similarities. I believe I was speaking with someone about what was transpiring in the dream, as if narrating while also being a participant.
I woke up in the dream and went out to the main area of the lodge. A group was gathered, among them my current husband and my ex-MIL. My husband told me he was leaving for the day with his friends, a group of guys who stood behind him. In the dream I was upset and protested very loudly in front of everyone (something my husband hates). My main complaint was that he often left for the entire day without warning, leaving me with all three of our children and no help. I complained that I would have to hire a sitter if I needed to anything outside of the house, either that or take them all with me. I felt overwhelmed and dumped upon by him. I also didn’t know what to do without him with me. Without him, I felt unable to do anything on my own, as if I was frozen in place.
My ex-MIL came to his defense. In real life she was very passive aggressive, which often infuriated me because no one else seemed to notice but me. To everyone else she was loving and wonderful but to me she was intent on separating me and her son.
My husband, whose appearance kept morphing between my ex and current husband, left and I sulked for a bit, all the memories of the injustices I suffered at the hands of my ex-MIL coming to mind mixed with the issues I have with my current MIL.
As I mulled over it all, emotions surfaced and mixed together leaving me feeling overwhelmed. The main emotion I felt was abandoned. I remember discussing my need to be with my partner, to feel included and supported. When left alone I managed, but the loneliness always got to me and I often grew angry and depressed. When my ex would come back from weeks or months away I struggled with being happy at his return to being resentful for his leaving me. I often felt that it would have been better had he never returned so I would not have to go through the upset of him leaving all over again, and again, and again.
Then there was my ex-MIL and her constant meddling. In the dream this played out as me seeing her spread rumors about me to the others in the lodge. In real life she would call up her son and tell him negative things about me, insert doubt into his mind about our marriage and me, all the while under the guise of being his loving and caring mother. The dream revealed to me just how much hurt this caused me but at the time it infuriated me and likely made me look all the worse in the eyes of my ex-husband. Years later and after our divorce, my ex told me he rarely spoke to his mom because he realized what she was up to. Too late for us but at least she was found out.
In the midst of all this distant past memory was the present, seeming to mix and merge, revealing the many similarities of the two.
At one point in the dream a group of Native Americans approached. There was a little girl (inner child) and a very, very old woman (the crone) with them. The old woman was to be healed via a special ceremony that involved packing her entire pelvic region in clay and letting it harden. I remember being very kind to the old woman, holding her hand and the hand of the little girl and walking across a wooden bridge toward their camp. There was a medicine man with us explaining the old woman’s ailment. I laughed when I realized the clay was to help her have a bowel movement (release of old habits and patterns) and commented on how ingenious it was.
There was a whole other dream scene after this inside an elementary school (lessons). I remember a young boy stepping on my heels and twisting his ankle. I sent him to the nurse but was told he often purposefully hurt himself to get attention and was shown a huge pile of nurse slips from his many attempts. The whole time I had two female teachers accompanying me and seeming to act as guides.
Considerations
When I woke I realized I had slept straight through the night. This is unusual for me. I usually wake 2-3 times. A song was going through my mind, specifically “there’s a ghost inside me”.
My daughter knew the song and listened to it with me this morning. She did not know what a “spectre” was. I told her it meant “ghost” and showed her the definition. In telling her this, I was reminded of a dream I had not long ago where I witnessed a part of me who I could not control. She was at first a white horse and then morphed into a ghost and left with a ghost man. I recognized that the song was referring to “the ghost inside me”, this white woman who seemed outside of my control, wild, and free – like a horse.
Similarly, a couple of nights ago I had a short visual in a dream of me opening a gate and releasing an entire herd of horses and not long before that a dream of one horse being released and running free.
Finally, I was reminded of another dream I had not long ago. It was short and made no sense at the time. I was flying around a city center above a road that circled a fountain. In order to get home I had to take a highway but when I got to it, it was closed. I was told I could only enter if I had someone with me. I agreed and was allowed to pass. This memory in turn reminded me of all the dreams and syncs occurring at the time indicating “opportunity” was coming.
Everything seemed to point out to me that my opportunity came and I turned it down.
As you can imagine I was not in a good mood after all this.
In reflecting on the dream, music message and resulting memories, I am reminded of other recent events. It all points to me being or feeling unable to move; feeling stuck. I recognize it is my own doing. A visual comes to mind of a woman in quicksand refusing a stick held out to her.
It seems that these two tarot spreads are playing out, just not like I thought they would. This one especially:
Well, I hate to say it, but I’m going through another “upgrade”. There’s no other explanation for the tiredness, constant chakra activity and intense dreams. Thankfully, for me at least, this is a teeny, tiny one…..or maybe I am just so use to them that it takes one hell of a beating for me to notice now days? 😀
First, More Syncs
Yesterday, I posted a dream I had where I received the message, “You are her.” I posted early that morning and then within an hour of arriving at work, a co-worker brought up the Harry Potter books. If you read that dream account then you know that I was going to see Harry Potter in the dream. lol So that was the first sync.
This morning, though, I came across a memorial post about Princess Diana. Not only is that in and of itself a sync, but so is the date of her passing as posted on the memorial: August 31, 1997. The date of my dream was August 31st (yesterday). Also, the year 1997 recently came up for me as well.
These kinds of syncs are becoming more and more common. I have a dream and then very soon after something in life reflects part of the dream back to me.
This is the video I saw this morning:
Last night I was working in my dreams, and not self-work, group work.
Wedding Preparation Dream Â
I was preparing for my wedding (union), putting on my gown and doing my hair and makeup. I remember seeing my veil (what I’m trying to hide) – a short one that did not go below my shoulders. I also remember that my bra (support) was flowered and wrapped around my neck like a bathing suit top. The dress itself was white and flowing – traditional – and also wrapped around my neck. The groom was tall and fair haired. I recall feeling apprehensive and talking to the groom while getting ready for the ceremony.
New Contract DreamÂ
In this dream I was traveling with a group in a war-torn country – my country. Everything was covered in dust and there was no greenery as if we were in a desert but I knew it was this way because of war. The road we traveled was also dirt. There were no cars but it felt as if we traveled in many cars, like the “cars” were our bodies.
I recall working with a woman who was a yoga (harmony and balance) instructor. She was helping others by teaching them yoga to help with stress relief. I knew she was one of the many leaders and that she had organized her own group with their own mission.
I also recall coming to a check point and being stopped and told to fuel (energy, rest) up because where we were going there would be no fuel available. I questioned this, suggesting we skip it and move on. My group overruled me, opting to fill up their vehicles (which were not present in the dream) to be on the safe side.
Then I was presented with a written contract indicating that a portion of our group had decided to break away from the other. It was not a rebellion but a decision made by several members (the majority). At the bottom there were maybe a dozen, hand-written names, which were familiar to me in the dream. The contract stated that individuals listed were not to be a part of this new group and contract. My name was not listed and I voiced my agreement with the contract and what is specified.
Battle Plan Dream
In this dream I was sitting at a table inside a cafe somewhere. It felt like a scene from a movie. Across from me was a good looking black man who, in the dream, resembled Will Smith. We were both huddled over a large map (path) or blueprint discussing the coming changes and our individual and group roles. He mentioned to me the timeline and I interjected saying, “I thought it wasn’t until this Fall.” He said in response, “It is and it is almost time.” With his words came a telepathic reminder that today is September 1st. In the dream I held my breath briefly as I realized he was right and said, “Oh, yeah….”
Something about our conversation and the reminder of the date and why it was important brought me near full lucidity. With this awareness I was able to sense this man’s energy. It was familiar and attractive to me but not to the point that I was feeling intense energy. It was just familiar. This awareness caused me to wonder about his physical world condition – his age, his relationship status, etc. With my curiosity came immediate answers and I realized he was much, much older than he looked. I said to him, “You are 22 years older than me? But you look so young!” He immediately recognized my interest and sent back that he was in a relationship. I felt the relationship – their history together, his devotion and love, etc. The information/Knowing was instantaneous. Then I felt him suggest we get back to work but I was overcome with embarrassment for some reason. I felt humiliated and a wave of emotion washed over me. I remember thinking, “Why do they always have to be so much older than me? Why am I so young? What is wrong with me?” LOL (I laugh now but I was very upset in the dream). My thoughts were a jumble of considerations about physical world limitations. It was difficult for me to see this man as 64 years old when his energy was so young and vibrant. It made me wonder if all the people on my team were old (lol) and suddenly age was a big deal for some reason.
I started to cry in the dream and it woke me up, tears still streaming from my eyes. I heard people talking as I fell into the in-between. They were discussing the coming “storm” and asked me a question. In the midst of answering I forgot what we were discussing. My mind went blank. One of the voices said, “Oh, she’s awake now.” The telepathic sense here was that once physical awareness is reached certain topics cannot be discussed.
The same Nora Jones song was going through my mind when I woke. Specifically the lyrics:
Out across an endless sea I would die in ecstasy, But I’ll be a bag of bones driving down the road alone.Â
Considerations
I wasn’t expecting to wake up crying over something like that. It was a surprise considering how good I’ve been feeling lately. Yes, I’m tired, and likely hormonal (lol), which doesn’t help. The way the emotion hit me in the dream, it was like it walked in from the left and just took over; like another aspect woke up and brought with her a whole flood of emotions.
The emotion was enough to send me back to asking to go Home (sigh). It can be so difficult to wake up to this harsh reality when the other reality, the one where we are ageless and unlimited (the endless sea of ecstasy), is right there and obvious. It is like I can see it through a pane of glass, but while in this body I can’t touch it and am forced to live in a reality with so many limitations. The biggest surge of emotion came from knowing I walk this path alone (a bag of bones) and that those connections I feel when I am on the other side of that pane of glass will likely never be realized within the confines of this physical reality. So a part of me grieves continuously for the perceived loss.
Regardless of my grief, it is obvious that something is coming and I am being prepared for it. And, lo and behold, another sync greeted me this morning. A post on WP had the title, “Remain Calm as the Storm Approaches”. Then another titled, “Hope Your Rested”. Both were about the upcoming “storm”.
The “Hope Your Rested” post fits nicely with the part in my dream where I was being forced to “fuel up”. I’ve been having lots of dreams with fuel in them. Fuel = recharge, rest, refuel, take time out to rebuild your energy. Just three days ago I was advised to return to yoga and stop all high intensity exercise temporarily (over the weekend).
My mind is still lingering on the last dream and the upset I felt in realizing my friend in Spirit was so much older than me in the physical. The humiliation/embarrassment I felt was the result of recognizing just how obvious my loneliness must be to those I interact with OOB. I sensed a desperation in myself and as a result was ashamed at my weakness and inability to cope with the limitations of this physical reality and form. I am better than that. I know this. Yet it is still there and to be confronted with it in such a way was humbling. I was also jealous that my friend had a partner in his physical life and was happy and content with the life he had. That is why I was wondering, “What is wrong with me?” It was clear that he was not struggling like I am.
This week I have been more tired than usual. Additionally, my third-eye and crown chakras – well my entire head and at times all the way down my neck and into my ears – has been buzzing with energy. Even as I type this my third-eye is buzzing. It is non-stop. I’ve only experienced my third-eye buzzing continuously like this one other time, I think in 2015 (not sure) and at that time it went on for at least a month straight.
Odd Dreams
I have been tired, sleeping deeply and having very vivid dreams. Here are a few snippets of dreams from the week:
I was in Montana (spiritual awareness) at a resort (pun on last resort). It was winter and snowing (frozen progress). Outside were two rectangular, shallow pools or fountains (joy, new relationship), parallel to one another. The water was clear and calm (clarity). I saw two small, tropical fish (insight) in the water, one was orange and the other purple. They seemed to be seeking each other out and I was fascinated by them, especially the orange fish.
I recall preparing oatmeal for one of my kids. I was cooking it and went to make more. I scooped out the last from the container and saw worms in it. They were like mealworms but flat. Oatmeal = sameness, comfort, groundedness. The worms indicate I am ready for new experiences.
In another dream I was being given sheet music to sing. My mom sang with me and I swear it was the song “Shake it Out”. I remember being told something about “three feet above” and seeing a man holding his hand way up over his head.
Dreams – No Legs
I had two dreams involving cutting off of legs. The first was of Trooper (my deceased Australian Shepherd). I only remember now that I was in a restaurant that also looked like my grandmother’s house. Trooper needed surgery on his leg. I told the vet to just remove all of his legs. Then I went about the dream, doing things I can’t remember now. What woke me was that I remembered I had said to remove all the legs and thought, “He will die!” I woke up a bit panicked because of it and then thought it really odd symbolism. Dogs are protection or a “best friend”. Without legs they can’t move. Maybe I am trying to “immobilize” my protection?
Then I had a whole dream about a friend and in the dream who either had no leg or was losing a leg. It is hard to recall now. In this dream, no leg means a failing relationship.
Dream: You are HER
This morning’s dream was in the UK. I was with a young boy and we were guests of the Queen, only she was very young. The boy was asked what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to meet Harry Potter (magic perhaps?) so the Queen got us tickets to a live show. On our way to the city we were prepped, given gloves (how I handle things) to wear because we were traveling with the Queen. I was given a pair of tanned leather gloves and put them on.
When we arrived in the city I recall it being familiar. Then I was shown a long, hand-written letter from the Queen. I don’t remember what it said now but it was signed, “HER”. When I read it I read “her” but I saw “HRM” and knew it meant, “Her Royal Majesty”. In my mind I saw flashes of Princess Diana and it confused me because I knew she never became Queen.
As I woke, I heard, “You are HER.” My crown and root chakra were buzzing intensely and in unison. My thoughts upon waking were that “Queen” represents the Divine Feminine.
Dream: Stolen Bag
This dream was mostly in the dark (low awareness). I arrived at work, which was Wal-Mart. I was glad it was dark because I was tired. My shift started at 6:30am. I sat at a table and drifted to sleep, aware of people walking past that could not see me. At one point the lights began to turn on ahead of me. I saw a crowd of customers and a cashier with a long line. I got up to report for work. Another cashier was trying to get a new eraser (clearing up mistakes). I suggested she use paper towels (temporary setback).
Then I went back to my table to get my stuff. I had left my bag (life responsibilities) and phone (communication) there. The tables were completely full and I couldn’t find my stuff. I searched but found nothing and hoped someone had grabbed it and put it in a locker for me. I criticized myself for not locking it up and worried someone was going to deplete my account using my debit card.
I went outside and saw a man working on a truck (work), siphoning gas (energy, spirituality) out of it. I backed off as a stream of gas went high into the air.
Then back inside it was dark again and I heard someone singing. I complimented the girl, telling her she sounded like Nora Jones. She was singing, Don’t Know Why. I heard the part, “My heart is drenched in wine” but instead of “wine” I heard “white”. The girl thanked me but as she walked by I realized she was a he.
As I mentioned in my last post, I have been asking for help from my guidance with a blockage in my second chakra. Well, last night, the first night of the Pisces full moon, the source of the blockage revealed itself.
Kundalini Healing
Early on in the evening, around 1am, I was awakened from a dream in which I was communicating with my 10-year-old self. What I recall of the conversation has faded now, but I believe I was helping her feel comfortable with her feelings.
When I awoke a male presence was attending to me; assisting me with healing. His energy was huge and when I acknowledged him the energy felt to flood through my own, blending and braiding into it. The rising energy that resulted revealed the blockage in my second chakra and another at my third. The Kundalini energy swirled and moved around for over an hour, covering me in a blanket of bliss and love while also working to gently pry open blocks in my energy.
Dream: Haunted House
My husband and I were invited to his friend’s house. He spent a while trying to get me to remember who they were, where their house was and how we knew them. I couldn’t remember, though.
We traveled along the road at night toward their house. I wasn’t in a car, but hovering mid-air, looking down a massive hill (experiencing a regression). In my mind I thought it would be fun to ride on a skateboard (seeking to make light of a situation) down the hill but knew it would be too fast. Why this part is in the dream, I am unsure.
When we arrived at the house it was enormous and very dark, with dark wood paneling and furniture. I went to help some children prepare dinner, a pork loin (seeking normalcy), and as I did so noticed there were quite a few cats roaming around. I also noticed some strange movements from the cats. They seemed to see something I couldn’t. I realized the house was likely haunted.
As the night progressed I learned we were to spend the night. Everyone left me in the living area alone with the cats. I lay down on the sofa to try to get some sleep. When I did this the Kundalini energy enveloped my entire body in bliss. As the energy began to rise, I began to lose myself to it. Unfortunately, an orange cat jumped directly on my lap, stopping the rise of energy. It looked startled and I wondered if the Kundalini had anything to do with it. Right then, I heard a noise and got up, walking toward the back of the house to see if I could find anyone. The front door was wide open making banging noises as I walked past it.
In the back of the house I located many bedrooms but could not find my husband’s room. Some of the family we were staying with were sitting around and asked me if I needed anything. I told them noises woke me, that I thought their house was haunted. They said they knew about the ghosts and not to worry. I mentioned that I could speak to Spirit and asked if they wanted my help. They agreed and I attempted to make contact. I told the woman I sensed that I could help her but if she didn’t cooperate we would force her to leave.
Whatever I did upset the cats and they began to act strange. I knew this was not a good sign and opted to try and get some sleep. I found a bedroom and lay down but was interrupted by my husband. I snapped at him, telling him I was tired (not wanting to confront something), and he left. When I attempted sleep the Kundalini energy came back in a rush up my spine, hitting my second chakra in waves like contractions. Each contraction hit my physical body solidly. There was some pain felt and by the last contraction I had a vision. A black woman appeared, standing with her hands on her hips and said, “I want him out!!!”
This vision shook me to my core because I recognized the woman.
I sat up, still dreaming, and slowly got out of bed. The scene shifted as I stood. At my feet were my clothes and I was completely naked. My lower body ached. I stiffly reached down for my shorts, which were white. My underwear was missing and a partially soaked tampon was on the floor next to my shorts. My memory here is of being mistreated and left humiliated, but I am not sure on the details.
When I left the room my husband was there complaining about my lateness. He had hired someone to replace me and was telling me how tired he was of my behavior. I turned to him, my voice cracking with emotion, “You don’t know what I’ve been through!!”
Wounds Revealed
I slowly woke from the dream a bit shocked at what it had revealed to me. My first thought was that the black woman was from a life I only partially recalled. I was not yet a woman, so about 11-12 years old. I was attacked and gang raped by a group of white boys. To keep me from screaming, one of the men put his foot on my throat. I ended up with a crushed windpipe but somehow survived, pretending to be dead until they left. I crawled home where my mother tended to my wounds. I am not sure if I ever regained my voice.
But then another life came to mind, a life in which I was also a black woman. In that life, which ended in 1963, I endured years of emotional and physical abuse by my husband. In fact, that past life memory came to me spontaneously after waking from meditation. I looked in the mirror and saw my old self – a petite, black woman with a very swollen black eye. Ultimately, in that life I shot my husband in the shoulder with a shotgun because I discovered he had been molesting our daughter. I told him to, “Get out!” after I shot him.
My best guess is that the issue in my second chakra stems from the life where I was gang raped but I am not 100% certain that the two lives mentioned above are not the same life.
The revealing of the source of the blockage is just the first step. I’m not sure how the rest will unfold but I may end up reliving that life, aspects as of yet unseen, in order to resolve and heal the wound. I suspect a decision was made, one that was strong enough that it prevents me from ever opening up to a man fully.
Oh where to start?! This has been another humdinger of a week, hasn’t it? And tomorrow is the full moon. I think: Already? lol It just seems like we go from one intense “event” to another lately.
1986
In all my life, I don’t think I have had such an intense August, not, at least, since my 10th year (1986). The intensity in 1986 was different, more physical than spiritual, though I have been told by astrologers that it was spiritually significant, too, a kind of spiritual awakening all of it’s own. My memory of that year is only of change, lots of change and much of it unwanted.
Firstly, we moved three hours from the only home I had ever known to relocate on family land in Central Texas. So it was my first ever move in this lifetime. I spent a good decade coming to terms with that move, too. My mom opted to move me and my sisters on the advice of a therapist, my therapist. The therapist had diagnosed me as emotionally disturbed, the main cause being my father and his emotionally abusive ways. She said I needed to be as far away from my dad as possible. Far enough that he would be unwilling to make the trip and to see me and my sisters on the weekends.
That summer I spent a couple of weeks with my dad in Houston. My sisters and I stayed with him at his apartment the whole time. My memories of this time are mixed, emotionally and physically. I remember helping my dad work on one of his cars. I rebuilt a carburetor all by myself after watching him take it apart. I liked working on cars with my dad and that memory especially is very strong. Though I have many bad memories of my dad, this is one of the good ones.
The next strongest memory I have is of a little girl I befriended while I was there. She was the same age as me and we hung out together in her apartment. Her parents were gone all day at work so it was just me and her. I have never told anyone this but she was my first ever sexual “partner”. Now don’t overreact, I was 10, so there was not much sexually going on with me, but I was curious and so was she. There was no removal of clothing, no kissing, just exploration – touching and fondling and, well, that is enough description, you get the idea. I remember she showed me her mother’s secret stash of Playgirl magazines. There were piles of them! I think those images will be ingrained in my memory for life. lol This little girl was the one who suggested we explore our bodies together, in a very innocent sorta way. I recall that I was hesitant. In fact, the emotion that is strongest is a feeling that I was being “bad” and that if anyone found out I would surely be spanked. lol The other thing I remember is that I liked how it made me feel. Again, the horror, right? My poor 10-year-old mind was in overdrive.
I would not be surprised if that little girl realized at a some point that she preferred women to men.
Ultimately, I was freaked out and avoided going back into the girl’s apartment just in case she tried to pressure me into more experimentation. It scared me, but mostly, my own reaction scared me because I liked her, I like how she made me feel, and I wanted more.
I had my very own camera at the time and snapped dozens and dozens of photographs, many of my newfound friend. Every time I look at them in old albums I pause when I see this little girl. I can’t remember her name but a part of me wonders where she is now, how she is doing and what her memories are from that time. As I think back on it even now, I think it likely she and I were meant to meet that summer. Maybe for her? Maybe for me? Maybe both?
The other memory I have is the most traumatic of them all. Toward the end of our visit, about a day or two before he was to drive us to our new home, my dad made it clear he had no intention of taking us home. My dad at the time could be very emotionally cruel. He had not wanted a divorce and often used us to get back at our mom. His announcement caused a very strong reaction in me. I was so terrified, in fact, that I demanded he let me call my mom. The memory is hazy but I believe whatever I said or threatened (likely the latter) convinced him to let me call my mom. When I got on the phone I was hysterical, telling my mom what he was threatening and crying that I wanted to come home. In my mind I was going through all kinds of scenarios trying to figure out how I could get home on my own. Honestly, I was prepared to go knock on a neighbor’s door and tell them what was going and call the police. I think I threatened my dad with this and that it was why he ultimately gave in and took us home. The whole drive home I was antsy. I couldn’t wait to get as far away from him as I could.
Back to the Present – 2018
When I started writing this post I had no intention of traveling back to 1986. None. Yet it came flowing out and now that it has, I know why.
This month, like I’ve already said, has been intense. This week especially has been drudging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, all linked to my first two chakras. Yesterday, I woke up with an old whiplash injury flaring up. The area around my left shoulder blade tends to get sore when I am stressed out. It has not been an issue for a long while, so I knew it meant I needed to relax and unwind. So, I went out to eat with my husband and had two Long Island Iced Teas. I immediately began to relax. Mostly I laughed a whole lot. Everything was funny.
My husband and I talked about the Kundalini energy for a while. He continues to think this energy is just sexual attraction and my wanting to leave him for another man. He said he believed the minute I found someone else I would leave him, that I have just been waiting for the opportunity to go. I told him, “Maybe I already have and chose you instead?” He wanted to know why I would choose him and I told him that Kundalini attraction tends toward reactivity; it is ungrounded. I explained that our relationship is the opposite. It is solid and logical in comparison. I said that I am looking for a mixture of the two, a nice blend of the intense Kundalini fire and the non-reactive, groundedness, like what we have.
As we talked and I explained the Kundalini fire and attraction, the word “folly” popped into my mind. I said there was a quote about folly and love. We both immediately searched Google for it. This is what came up:
We both got a good laugh out of it. It felt like he understood me. Finally.
Oddly, there was this sign behind the bar that caught my eye. I ended up staring at it for a long time and finally just snapped a photo. See if you can figure out why:
Look at the year. 1997. Yeah, weird. I mentioned it to my husband and we talked about what we were doing in 1997 on the drive home. I was married to my ex and living in Alabama. Though I didn’t mention it to my husband (he knows), I had a near affair with one of my ex’s friends at that time. Another memory I prefer to bury. Not my best year.
What were you doing in 1997?
When we got home, I went on a long walk with my daughter and our dog, Monty. I laughed while we walked in a huge field behind a church and let Monty roam free. Here are some photos of our walk:
For some crazy reason the two drinks lingered in my system much longer than they should have. I was still tipsy at around 10pm! I fell asleep easily and slept until almost 9am.
Dream: We are One, We are Many
Prior to bed I asked for help with some current issues I’ve been having. I have become acutely aware of a major blockage in my second chakra and I can’t seem to break it loose. I asked for insight into the reasons for this.
In this dream I entered a library (search for knowledge) and stopped at the front counter where the clerk sat. She was a nice looking blonde woman in her mid-thirties, early forties. She seemed to know me and I her.
In front of me on the counter were piles of typed documents (discovery, self-realization), blog posts that I had not posted yet. In the dream the pile was spread out on the counter but in my mind I was going through them on my cell phone while also physically sorting them. At one point I came across a document that I had not typed. In fact, I knew someone must have hacked into my phone. I skimmed through it and saw that it made little sense but then my eyes stopped on the end. There, clear as day, were the words, “We are One, We are Many.” I knew, then, that it was a message from my guidance, likely a channeled message. Sadly, I only recall the end line now. 😦
Then, the blonde woman picked up a business card that was laying with my documents and said, “I’m going to call him.” I panicked and grabbed the card. I told her that it was mine, from a friend. She inquired about him and I said he and I had a connection. She said, “Ah…I get it!” I mentioned a name, but the name I said was the name of my loan officer who just helped us close on our refinance. lol The whole time a song was playing but I can’t remember it now. It was a mixture of heavy metal and rock/pop.
Then I was watching the blonde woman talking to my MIL. They appeared to be friends. The blonde lady agreed to meet my MIL at 7:30am the next day. Their conversation revealed that they met up often and that the blonde woman was trying to earn extra money. When I heard she needed money I asked her if she was struggling. She said she was. I immediately got out my billfold and pulled out a wad of money. It was a mixture of bills but I knew there was a $100 bill inside. I thought maybe I would ask her to close her eyes and pick one but then decided I would just give her the $100 (success is within your reach). I handed it to her and told her, “There’s no need to worry.” The woman took it but never said thank you. She walked over to her purse and said something about using it for her violin (peace and harmony).
I awakened with a heavy energy covering my body. I knew the message about money was from me, to me. My guidance often told me that I will always have enough. Money would not be an issue. I also knew the message “We are One, We are Many” was from my guidance. They have said this often.
This song was going through my head, specifically the “whatever it takes”:
The fire and water elements in the video are not lost on me. Nor is the message.
August has been exactly that: Fire and Water.
For some odd reason, when I woke I knew that the solution to my second chakra problem is feminine energy. This consideration seemed like a breakthrough to me. It made total sense. If the issue is a feminine one, which is likely considering it’s location in the energy body, then masculine energy would only aggravate the problem, forcing something that force alone created. What is needed to pry it loose is feminine energy.
Back to 1986
And so, now you see why that memory from 1986 came up. I do not think it coincidence that I would wake up thinking I needed to connect with another woman, to use the feminine energy to heal and bring me back to wholeness, only to have memory of doing exactly that over 20 years ago come to mind.
If you look at my memories from that year, you see potent, feminine, sexual energy, newly awakened in me, paired with trauma, trauma caused by the masculine energy, that of my father. There is intermixed with it all a confusion resulting from this energy, a confusion that was never resolved, and a decision made by me to bury the memory, the “shame”.
Add to this memory the recent reconnection I had with my best friend from high school, and it all seems perfectly obvious and clear: Feminine energy is needed now, not masculine.
The first conclusion one might draw is that I need to get with a woman energetically or even physically; have a repeat of 1986. I don’t know if that is necessary. It could also mean that I need to tap into my own feminine energy somehow. But then I don’t know how I can do that.
Before I begin, a little update on the refinance issue I mentioned in my last post. Well, turns out that it was all a misunderstanding. The money was always there but it was just in two different places and the notary knew nothing about it so couldn’t have explained it. Our loan officer had been out of town all week. His dad passed away. So he couldn’t have helped us last week either. When our loan officer called me he apologized and quickly explained what had happened. So the money is coming as expected. Nothing was wrong to begin with. Mercury retrograde miscommunication and confusion but thankfully not anything big or dramatic.
So that was an easily resolved situation – well there was no situation at all!
Then my day spent working at home presented some minor challenges. Mostly it was that my youngest needed me and then when my other two came home from school, work was near impossible with after school snacks, friends coming over and just them wanting/needing my time. It is doable, though, and required a bit more self-control than I thought, but I will be fine. It is only two days a week right now and I think I will leave it that way. The distractions of working at home make my job take longer than it would otherwise. Ever been interrupted repeatedly when trying to do calculations? Yeah, difficult. lol
The Kundalini has muted a bit, providing me with some much-needed sleep. It is still present, though. For example, I will wake in the middle of the night with my entire body alive with energy. Last night it swirled around every chakra it seemed. A nice, pleasant warm feeling. It was if I was being massaged by energy. Images flashed along with it, including one of a group of bluish tinged beings, but I mostly recall a vague sense that a kind of energetic surgery was being performed on me.
Physically my entire mid-section is achy. This is not abnormal for this time in my monthly cycle. I have had ovulation pain for a while. I think it began sometime in 2016. The pain is unique. In fact, I don’t have anything to compare it to. It feels like my insides are inflamed and irritated. This month the ache is lasting much longer than usual and with it is intestinal upset. Most likely that is the Kundalini’s fault.
Dream: Moving Out
I slept deeply and had many dreams, but most I forgot upon waking. The one I recall most had a muted energetic element to it.
The beginning of the dream was of me arriving home with a load of groceries (fulfillment). It seemed like a storm was coming so I hurried into the garage and began to unload the car. Strangely, the storm seemed to be inside the garage with me. I recall that when it started to rain I was pummeled with tons of light, white Styrofoam balls – packing material (popcorn). Trying to avoid it, I stepped back to where the roof seemed to not be leaking (new information is revealing itself) but the storm only intensified and the white balls came down in sheets over the top of me (truth being revealed).
I concluded that the roof of my house was in desperate need of repair. It may even be near collapse. Realizing my predicament, I quickly left the garage and went inside the house.
Inside the house was dark and I don’t recall much except that my neighbors came by for a visit. A nice man and his wife visited with me for a bit. We mainly spoke of religion but I don’t remember much except his religion and him trying to persuade me to explore it. They invited me over to their house for a visit and pointed across the street. There I saw a house under construction (rebuilding of life). The roof was without any shingles; plywood only. This is when I noticed I was standing in the basement (subconscious) of my house and the walls were only partially painted (untapped creativity), like renovations were never completed.
I ended up going over to the neighbor’s house. The whole time I had this attraction to the man, though it was quite muted. It materialized as an interest only and it was reciprocated. He kept touching me in a familiar way. His wife didn’t seem to care and it became apparent as the dream progressed that their “religion” included an open marriage.
The scene flashed and it was six years later. I was living with them. What happened to my husband and family, I don’t know, but I knew in the dream that I had left them. My new family consisted of myself, the wife, the husband, and their children. I saw myself as pregnant but then not, like I was more than one person.
The most memorable part here was of a bathroom (cleansing, renewal). The floors were dirty, the corners littered with dead bugs – roaches and spiders (worries, concerns). I requested my daughter clean them, only she was very pregnant. She went into labor and had to be rushed out of the house. I, on the other hand, had to get repeated injections into my belly button (energetic healing?). It was scary to me because the injections went through a long tube and the syringe was over sized.
The last thing I remember is jumping into a huge swimming pool (relaxation, calmness) with the other women in the family. On the bottom was an entire ecosystem, like the bottom of a lake. We swam over the top of a stingray. The woman (wife) with me, petted the stingray (emotional freedom) as she swam.
Interpretation
The dream overall seems to indicate that there is a breakthrough in progress. The roof leaking and beginning to collapse indicates that the things I use to protect myself are no longer working. The illusions of protection are being removed. It is funny to me that the “rain” is packing popcorn, so it doesn’t hurt me at all despite my trying to avoid it. The packing popcorn could be symbolic of a move, maybe an actual move or a move from one state of being to another; transformation. I remember now that when the popcorn was coming down I remember thinking it was coming from the attic, like attic insulation. Attics represent one’s connection to their higher self. So maybe I was perceiving a communication coming from my HS.
The change from one house to another in the dream seems to indicate a shift in Self. The feeling was that I was being asked to evaluate my life, my circumstances, and I was offered a new “religion”. In this case I think the new religion was a new path, one that maybe I would have been resistant to in the past.
The syringe indicates the surgery on my energy body. It was after this dream that I woke very aware of all the energy moving through me.
Usually August is a very slow and uneventful month for me but not this year. Some twists and turns happening but I don’t have time to write much on it at the moment except to quote Forrest Gump – Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your gonna get. Indeed!
For now I will leave it at that and share a wonderful dream I had the other night about visiting Montana. Lately I have been wanting to rent an RV and take a road trip to the mountains, specifically the Rockies because I have such great memories of my time there. So it is no surprise that I visited Montana in my dreams.
Kundalini Dream: Trip to Montana
I was on a house/train/RV (it morphed from one to the other) with a group. I recall it being my “house” (one’s own soul/self) at first and it was wide and spacious, golden and white in color and filled with modern things. The focus was on the TV which was a nice size and situated in the corner of the living room. The ambiance was nice overall. I felt happy.
Then I was on a train (life’s journey) heading through the mountains (higher realms of consciousness) of Montana. I was looking out the window while watching the rest of my group settle down for the long haul. Several were toking up, getting stoned and relaxing on blankets on the floor. As I watched the beautiful scenery I thought of taking photos (freezing moments in time) so I unlocked my phone and began to take pictures of the mountains. I recall seeing a mother antelope (much energy is needed to achieve goals) and her baby and snapped two photos of them as the train slowed allowing us all to see them. I also commented that everyone should pay attention to the beauty around us, and reminisced about my time visiting Glacier National park and the majestic mountains there.
I kept taking photos as the train went around a curve. There on the horizon was a mountain peak (reaching ones goals) surrounded by a circular formation of clouds (completion). In the distance I could see dark, billowing clouds of smoke coming from near the top of the mountain. The train slowed and I took a couple of shots and commented that it looked like a volcano (could be reference to the Kundalini). I was fascinated with the circular ring of clouds like a halo over the mountain top. Across from that scene was a beautiful, mountain lake (solace, peace of mind). I took a photo of it, too. Everything was so beautiful.
Inside the train I was asked if I wanted to smoke. I said no and that I had not done it in a long while. By this time the train had morphed into an RV (enjoy life to the fullest) and we were stopping for a break. When I got out I recognized the place – the shiny white flagstone and surroundings. I took another picture, this time of a dandelion (contentment) with the mountains in the background. The dandelion seemed to say, “Make a wish”. I focused on it more than the mountains when I took the picture.
I went inside the RV and accepted the invitation to smoke. I watched as they took this yellow-orange (mix of sacral and solar plexus chakras) looking plant and put it into a very white, wide rolling paper. The object looked more like a bunch of tiny grapes (decadence) than marijuana. They handed me a blunt and I took a long inhalation but felt nothing. A woman told me to wait a bit, that the effects would hit me hard.
As we sat enjoying our smoke the effects began to kick in and I smiled. At first it felt very much like being stoned, especially around my head/crown/eyes. I could feel my head and throat buzzing with energy. It snaked down into my heart and my whole body was vibrating. Eventually, this woke me up.
When I awoke my entire body was alive with Kundalini but my lower three chakras were the most affected. It took me an hour to relax enough to return to sleep.
Sync
The next morning on the way to work I got my husband to stop by Starbuck’s, something we rarely do. When we pulled up to the drive-through the car in front of us had Montana plates. I snapped a pic for evidence. It is rare to see Montana plates in Texas and then to have them right after such a powerful dream visit? Crazy!
Wow. I don’t even know where to start for this post! SO much going on, this time mostly spiritually but also in this physical reality experience.
My me-time is so preciously scarce since I started working full-time that I don’t get to blog near as much as I would like. I tend to use my me-time to exercise, do yoga, and be with my kids. That leaves close to no time to write, though I do sneak it in on my private blog/journal when something pops up that I feel I need to document. Usually I jot some things down on a piece of paper as I rush to get ready in the morning and then write a quick account in my private blog when I get to work.
But I’m not complaining. I am enjoying life much more now. Busy = no time to over think things (my nemesis).
There are now SIX planets retrograde and I think the day Uranus went retrograde was when I started noticing a shift in my universe. It started with the sudden onset of post-nasal drip on Tuesday night alongside a nasty sinus headache. That night I didn’t sleep. The next morning my head felt to be in a vice and my throat hurt from the post-nasal drip. I felt like shit but took some Ibuprofen and went to work anyway. The Ibuprofen lessened the pain but I felt wiped out and zoned out most of the day. That night I took a dose of NyQuil and passed out. The next morning, as if by a miracle, I was cured! I have no idea if I was actually sick, if it was allergies or if something spiritual (ascension flu) was the culprit. I may never know, but afterward was when the vivid dreams started.
I’m still not sure how to relay all that occurred but I will do my best to organize it in a way that makes sense to you all while not eliminating too much detail/importance.
Synchronicities
The night of the 6th I was browsing FB and ran into a video of The Tonight Show with Will Ferrell. I rarely watch videos like this but this one I did. I liked it so much I shared it. I thought nothing of it at the time. Here is the video. Make sure to watch until the end:
That night I had this dream:
I was with my family waiting on my husband to get ready so we could go fishing (bring up repressed emotions for inspection). He was taking a long time, purposefully it seemed. It was getting later and later so I opted to go fishing without him. I took the kids with me and we drove off.
On the way we ended up on a mountain road. The mountains were a rusty red color and it was like we were in Arizona. At one point we stopped and Orren wandered across the road to look over the edge. I went to grab him with my other two kids. Somehow all three kids ended up falling over the edge (difficult time/fear of what lies ahead). I dropped a cardboard box (attempts to preserve and protect aspect of life) over the edge. They clung to it and I pulled them up. In the dream it was a heart pounding, scary experience.
We then headed back stopping at a restaurant on the mountain. Inside we ran into my husband who had followed us to catch up. He was hanging out with two cyclists in their gear being social with them. Me and my daughter looked through a store in the restaurant at a menu of items. The items were Thanksgiving meals made to order ahead of the holidays. The prices for a full meal were around $300. I opted not to buy anything and a nice lady gave us a beautiful metal container with scallops (female sexuality) inside as a gift. She told us how to make them, indicating how long to cook and giving us tips to make a quick meal with red sauce. The scallops were very memorable. I tasted one in the dream.
We then ran into a family who had moved to the area. A map was out and they were talking about what school the daughter would go to. A woman pointed to a school on the outskirts of town and I said it was likely new and had lots of kids like schools do these days. The girl would be in 10th grade and I commented on how I would be nervous to go to a school with so many kids. I told them of my teaching experience and how I was intimidated by all the tall (looking down on self) students. The mother and daughter looked bored and the mother said, “Well we aren’t worried about it.” As they turned their backs on me as if shunning me I noticed they were both very tall and said, “You shouldn’t worry. You are tall.”
As I woke the song, “Don’t Fear the Reaper” was going through my head. I fell into the in-between and got another message to go with it but can’t recall it now. It was something about getting ready to deal with change.
Then, I had a mini-dream where I let my dog outside and he wouldn’t go. I saw a big skunk (not expressing my true feelings even though I don’t agree with something) in the yard and it woke me.
Later, I told my husband about the song and how I had watched a FB video of it the night before. I shared it with him and explained how I it was going through my head when I woke and how I believe it was meant to warn me of coming change.
When we got to work the secretary had music on. Guess what song was playing? Yep. Weird!!!!!!!! Take a look at the lyrics, too.
Throughout the day I saw at least three skunk references, too. The basic message of the skunk is, “Do no harm”.
Blast from the Past
To continue the intensity of Tuesday (7th, Uranus retro), that morning I woke up with a song on my mind that had nothing to do with my dreams or anything. In fact, it was completely out of place. The words, “‘Cause I miss you…so I turned the radio on….” were repeating in my mind. Here’s the song:
When I got downstairs there was a FB messenger message from my high school best friend. I have not heard from her in years! Her message was:
“Listening to Counting Crows tonight and thinking of you. Hope you are well.”
When I saw the message I knew song I heard upon waking was about her missing me/thinking about me. “Cause I miss you….turn the radio on…” Ha! It would have been even more awesome had I heard a Counting Crows song when I woke. lol
It took me a couple of days to reply to her because it caught me so off guard. She wants to meet up for lunch in a couple of weeks. I have mixed feelings about it. We are so different now, our lives went in opposite directions. But we live literally 10 minutes from each other so there is no reason not to reconnect.
Intensity Hits
This is what I wrote in my private blog:
Woke up crying and feeling a familiar pain.Â
Dream 1
I only recall a brief part of this dream. I was outside my grandmother’s garden. It looked like it did when I was little, green and full of life. I heard a ruckus and saw some kids messing with a large cat (cougar). It jumped over the fence and came toward me, most of it’s tail skinned of flesh. I scolded the kids saying, “Why did you do that?” I felt sorry for the cat.
Dream 2
I was in a large, open room with a group of people I recognized. We were all enjoying our OOB freedom and many of them didn’t even realize they were OOB. I can’t recall the specifics of our discussion but the feeling I had was happy and care-free.
At one point the discussion shifted to being able to talk to Spirit, or those who were unreachable from where we were. I told the group I could contact and talk to Spirit. They didn’t believe me. One did, though, and said they had recently lost their mother and could I contact her. I took the opportunity to show the group I could. When I “called’ to Spirit I took my hand, palm facing down, and slammed it against the ground invoking Spirit. When my palm contacted the ground there was a lightening flash of white light. When the light faded a pile of clothes and bones was left on the ground. I said it indicated that Spirit had not transition and to wait for her.
Dream 3
I recall sitting in a living room with someone next to me, likely my guide. Projecting on the wall were all my memories. It reminded me of the old movie projectors the way the image shifted and jumped about. I recall seeing my BIL and being focused on him. The film was paused and I was asked why I preferred to focus on him rather than another image. I could not see the image I was avoiding. In my memory it is a just a big, black, moving blob almost like an ink blot. The feeling when I tried to focus on it was what I recall the most. It was very familiar and I had thought it resolved. But in touching up it, it was like a wound partially healed being poked and prodded again until it bled. The pain of it hit me full force and I began to cry. The feeling is so hard to describe. It is so agonizing that even as I type this I struggle not to burst into tears. I miss him (the person the blob represents) so much that it is beyond my ability to manage. I don’t know how to process it, at least not in this human body. The closest I can come to describing the feeling is how a child must feel when they are ripped out of their mother’s arms unexpectedly and not allowed to return. They can see their mother, they know she is alive and well, but they are not allowed to return to her.
As I cried I was asked to consider focusing more on this blacked out memory. In my attempt to do as I was advised, a rush of memory hit me. The only thing I recall of the memory was the insurmountable pain, resulting regret and the conclusion that I had made the wrong decision. I remember saying, “I shouldn’t have. My heart will never stop breaking now.”
My guidance continued to nudge me. I said, “I can’t. I don’t think I am capable of it in this form (body).” The emotion was overwhelming and woke me. I continued to cry, my heart breaking over and over again.
As I woke a song crept into my mind, slowly as if in the background, becoming louder and louder. It was the music to Madonna’s “Open Your Heart” and the chorus repeated, “Open your heart to me, I hold the lock and you hold the key.” Then, behind that, another song merged with it – “Just say you won’t let go…..”
As you can imagine this only made my crying worse. As I lingered in bed, trying to compose myself and breathe (stopped up nose), I realized that the Love that seemed to be the source of all the pain I was experiencing could not exist within this form(body) – this character I am playing in this life. The two are not compatible. I struggle because the Love I feel cannot exist in the presence of fear. Thus, the pain is the result of the incompatibility. Yet life is all about survival and with survival comes fear – fear of so many things related to survival. I saw no way of ever fully embodying the Love while in this body. The task seemed impossible.
The agony of this realization made my heart hurt even more. It was as if my chest were being stabbed thousands of times and never allowed to heal. Still the hardest part to endure was – IS – the heartsickness; I have never missed someone/something so much. Everyday that passes, everyday apart, I die a little more.Â
It was painfully obvious that I was being asked to “open my heart” again; that I had closed it off to protect myself but in doing so was preventing progress in the intended direction. I need to open up but when I try it is just too painful and I feel decimated all over again. I realize that if I don’t open up on my own that I will be forced to. I told my guidance I don’t want that but at this time I am not sure I can avoid it. Doing it on my own seems impossible.
What I don’t understand is why this is happening now. I have finally been feeling a connection to my husband again. I have finally accepted my life “as is”, devoid of the kind of Love I now know exists. I am appreciating what I have, who is in my life and the path I chose.
In the in-between I heard, “Panoramic Airways.” I took this to mean a bigger picture is available to be viewed.Â
Short OBE
Almost forgot! I got a mini-OBE this morning. Unexpected and with a message: “Wait for it.”
It was mostly hynagogic imagery of birthday cards. The first was a moving picture I can’t recall except that it was colorful and about a birthday. The second was childish drawings of elephants (like Dumbo). Throughout it I was talking to someone and I heard then reply, “Wait for it….” When nothing happened except more images, I realized I was was OOB but had not exited. So I looked beyond the images and a room scene materialized. I exited my body and out I went. My first thought was, “Wow, I am really stable!” My astral form was solid and my perceptions 100%. I was in my mom’s bedroom and so headed directly to the front door. When I reached it I got a message as I was sucked back into my body. It was a feeling more than words that said, “Nope.” lol
Living Life in Between 