I’ve been really tired lately. My sleep is deep and most of my dreams are lost upon waking or, if I do recall them, I don’t care to bother to look into the symbolism or messages they bring. My motivation to exercise is low as well, though I am still following my schedule and doing what needs to be done. All of the above is partly because my kids are home for the Thanksgiving holiday and each day leading up to Thanksgiving we have appointments and plans. For example, Monday was an appointment for our puppy Monty. Today is an appointment for me to get my retainers. Tomorrow is an eye appointment for my son. Additionally, my brother has been staying with us since Sunday night.
Anomalies
Like I mentioned, sleep has been deep with few dreams; however, I have been having some odd occurrences. Two nights ago I had the sensation of dematerializing – kinda like leaving this physical life behind but not quite. It was a smooth, calm exit and with it was a feeling of nothingness – no memory, no lifetime, no attachments, no connections. It was like I disappeared but in my place was just Being. Unfortunately within a split second of this experience I became suddenly aware of this life, body and everything as if I was grasping for it, desperate to remain. I came into awareness suddenly and freaked out, thinking I had been in the process of dying. My guidance had to say to me over and over, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” It took me a bit to get myself together. I am still not sure what happened. Maybe I was going OOB and instead of my consciousness going into my astral body, like is usual, it remained in my physical body? Or maybe it was Oblivion?
Another thing that I’ve been noticing is that during my runs lately I often have a feeling of drifting off, like as I am running I am falling asleep. It is not a tired feeling, though. It’s as if I am being hypnotized by my run – going in a semi-trance. I’ve not had this experience in a long while. In the past it was cool. Now, not so much. Yesterday was especially strange because I had the trance-like feeling and also had an instance of feeling very light-headed and faint. Of course I panicked. Today’s run there was no issue but I did think as I ran, “Maybe it is this trance music I am listening to?” LOL Probably!
Finally, yesterday, while shopping alone (yay!) I found it hard to concentrate or focus on what I was doing. I walked down isles zoned out. And if I stopped to contemplate upon the state I was in, a sadness would wash over me along with a strong apathy. I often paused and just stared and there were moments when I felt something was physically wrong with me. The whole time I had a slight headache and I swear my heart fluttered in my chest more than once.
Dream: 444
This morning I had an odd dream that, unlike my other dreams, has lingered in my memory. It began with my being in a house and watching as the others in the house all got into their separate cars and left. I followed, not sure of where I was or what I was doing. I looked at the clock on the dash of my car and it was 4:44. I assumed everyone was heading off for dinner but then I began to panic because I thought for sure it was morning but then it couldn’t be, it had to be evening. Yet I could not recall that morning! I stopped and returned to the house confused. A woman saw and turned around and followed me in. She seemed to be concerned for me.
Inside the house I sat down at a table in a daze. A couple of other women were there who knew me and asked how I was. I asked them, “Have I been asleep all this time? Did I sleep through the day?” They confirmed that I had. The women were “special”, they could “see” things and they told me I was unique, too, but in a different way. They asked me about what I could “see”. Specifically they asked about an experience I had that they had heard about.
The experience was that I had a telepathic link to a man in our group. In my memory he is blurry. All I can make out is dark, maybe black, hair. He and I had a connection the others didn’t. I had been asked to help in determining what was wrong with a heart. The heart had a growth on it that looked like a calcified cone. I was asked to use my medical sight to see into the body and determine the cause. When I attempted to look at the heart I looked at the man I had the connection with and fell into a vision of seeing him sitting on a toilet inside a bathroom stall. He appeared to be a mixture of a full grown man and a young boy. My vision was blurred as if I was looking through water and I could see it rippling all around him kind of like the mirage one sees over the top of asphalt when it’s really hot. The man shifted and looked older and then I was able to see each of his bodily systems one by one. My most vivid memory is of the circulatory system. I could see every single vein and artery.
When I returned from the vision I was excited and shared what I saw with the man who now appeared old yet at the same time my own age. I told him that I knew what the issue was: a cyst. I excitedly told him about seeing all his body systems, reliving the experience as I talked.
Then I was back talking to the two women. They asked me some more questions, questions about the nature of my experiences on this planet. One said, “There are two different kinds of experiencers – those that return to the planet over and over and those who don’t. Which one are you?” While she spoke, I saw in my mind the two groups. The first group never left the energy of Earth but cycled back over and over again. The other came “down” and then, after a lifetime, would return from whence they came. I knew that I was one of the first group. It did not feel like a punishment but a choice, like I had dedicated myself to the planet.
She further questioned me on my abilities. How was I different from everyone else? I drew a picture for her. The picture looked like this:
I remember thinking of the top and bottom squiggly lines being like the “roots of a tree”. I was very excited when I drew it. The center egg-shaped portion was obviously my aura or human energy field.
Sadness
When I woke from this dream I was sad. My guide was close and I swear he said to me, “You are dying.” I have heard this before and now I don’t even question it nor do I care if it is literal or figurative. The feeling that came with his words said it all anyway. An all-over-body sadness hit me and all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to drift into a sea of nothingness; to enter Oblivion.
How long am I going to be stuck in this in-between? In-between in this instance does not mean in-between worlds like my blog title. No, it means in-between living and dying. It’s this space that never ends, like a chasm between what once was and what could be if I only reached for it. I don’t feel like myself anymore but then I don’t know who I am or even who I would like to be anymore. I can push the feeling away by immersing myself in life but the minute I am alone, the minute I stop to catch my breath, the feeling returns. It is a heart-wrenching agony, a homesickness, a heartsickness, a longing that just never goes away. And I don’t know what to do about it. I’m not sure there is anything I can do.
Lately I’ve been having a guide visit me, usually in the evenings while I am still awake, but sometimes also during the day at random moments. I have been having moments of Knowing hit me similar to other times in my life. In these instances I push away my automatic reaction which is to hold my breath and think, “Oh God.” lol But then I always think that before I get a grip on my thoughts.
A Knowing that has been frequent is the feeling that another round of spiritual acceleration is coming my way. Since I only have my previous experience as a gauge it is perfectly reasonable that I hold my breath when this Knowing strikes (tiny uncomfortable laugh here). I have not asked questions nor explored these moments of Knowing further. I don’t want to get caught in the trap of expectation again even if it is a fun game to play (very fun at times).
As I mentioned, a guide pops in during the day and did so several times yesterday at random times. Usually he responds to my thoughts. For example, yesterday I woke up intent on the job search I had begun the day before. With renewed spirit I was planning to apply for several positions “just because”. As I walked up the stairs I stopped mid-step from a feeling that came over me from above, like a descent of other-consciousness. Such shifts would be barely perceivable to someone unused to such things, but not me. The message that stopped me mid-stride was instantaneous and without words but the translation would be: Think. Do you really want this/these jobs?…..(no, not really was my answer)…..Then wait. The right job will come at the right time.” And with that I felt to relax tremendously, all at once completely comfortable with myself and my situation in that moment.
Similarly, one morning (can’t recall which now) I awoke with similar thoughts as is my norm – I don’t want to wake up. I want to go Home. etc, etc. Within moments I recognized these thoughts were not of the present moment but of some other – both past and future actually. Past in that I felt the heaviness of all the loss I’ve endured. Future in that I kept trying to conceive of something that had yet to transpire. It is quite an unsettled feeling and it was as if that feeling had a taste and my whole Being was aware of how bitter it was. I felt my guide then and told myself (as he also told me), “I am not in the present moment.” And with intent I self-corrected and found relief. I Knew that it was only in the present moment that I would find my next course of action. It would come clearly and without fear or other obstruction.
It was yesterday that I had the idea quite out of the blue to keep a notebook handy. I have yet to get one but the feeling was that I would recall better the messages and such I receive if I could write them down in that instant. There was the message, “You cannot expect yourself to remember it all” along with memories of all the “forgetfulness” I have suffered since having children (it’s ridiculous!). Also, a notebook would assure that I was not trying to keep the messages in my memory for long periods of time. This would, of course, take me out of the present moment!
This morning I am hearing the song I mentioned before over and over: “Giving up is letting go and moving to a better place…..” But rather than the “letting go part” I hear, “Is getting stronger”. Ha!
Now to the dreams…..my evenings are very full of them lately!
Dream: Driving a Bus
This dream was from two nights ago:
The dream began with me visiting a salon inside a woman’s house. My daughter had begged to come with me and the visit ended up being mostly for her when initially I had planned it for me alone. I recall her hair being changed and done up. There was also a bra (maternal instinct, protection) fitting for some reason, specifically for me. The woman measured around my chest area and came up with a new, smaller bra size. She suggested a bra that changed as needed – can’t recall the name now. I didn’t like it because it was a demi bra and could also be used for breast feeding (motherhood can be attractive?). I had no use for either.
We had to leave early to return my daughter to school before it let out. I drove her to the school and the dream gets hazy. What I recall most is that I ended up behind the wheel of a semi-truck (feeling over burdened, taken advantage of) and was receiving driving lessons from an male voice to my left. My main issue was arriving at intersections too fast and then fishtailing my way through the 90 degree turns. Advice was given to slow down after I almost rear ended a school bus.
Then I was driving a school bus (about to venture on an important life journey for personal growth) and approaching an intersection (decision/choice needs to be made to proceed). I slowed way down, so much so that I was too slow and missed the green light. I said, “That’s okay, we’ll just wait for the next light.”
There was a distinct feeling when driving both the truck and the bus. It was a feeling of having weight behind me like a long tail. I had to be conscious of the weight because it affected my speed and direction. Also, I was either not cautious at all or too cautious when driving. Both the bus and the truck were empty except for me.
Note: As I finished writing about the dream, my youngest came in with a toy school bus and played with it very loudly. LOL
Message: Reach
When I woke up the guide that was there prior to bed was very close. I was feeling once again depressed about life and asking for this experiment to end. He said, “We will help you.” I said, “Yeah, yeah. Like you’ve been helping so far?” I thought about how I had nothing to look forward to. He said to me, “Reach.” I understood what he meant immediately. He wanted me to reach for the things I wanted rather than do nothing. At the time I thought about it and said, “Reach so that when I get something it is taken away or ends up being less than what I hoped? No thank you.”
The following is what I jotted down about it:
In my mind it just seems to make no sense to go through all the effort to get something only to have a huge let down in the end. That is what happens with everything. I get a job/new career, there is excitement and interest for a while and then I get bored and it ends. I have a relationship and it starts out exciting and then gets boring and I lose interest so it ends. Nothing seems to last so why bother?
Then there is the problem of determining what it is I want to reach for. The only thing I want right now is not good for me (in my opinion). To reach for it, to put myself out there by reaching, is too risky. What if I get refused? What if the reaction I get is disdain, boredom, disinterest? What if…..??? Take away that one thing and all else just seems pointless.
Dream: Jackpot
This was from this morning:
I was inside a public bathroom (purification/self-renewal) stall using the toilet. A baby (new beginnings) peeked over the top and the crawled into the stall with me and sat on my lap. He could talk and said something I can’t recall. My root chakra activated and he left. Confused I tried to make sense of it when another baby did the same thing. It was as if I was receiving “treatment” but it was uncomfortable to my human self because it was babies providing it!
Feeling revived from my experience I walked into a new scene where I was reporting for my new job. There was a long conveyor belt and cash register with a woman standing nearby. She oriented me on my new position. The job felt to be a mixture of personal trainer and something else, perhaps cashier because the word “checkout” kept coming to mind. All I recall now is my pay was $14/hr plus commission and I was pleased.
Then I was walking along city streets filled with people. My destination was my hotel (new state of mind, shift in personal identity) which was a large building that looked from another time. I realized I had forgotten my room key (access, wisdom, opportunity) and turned back. When I did I saw a man sitting near my stuff. He was listening to music from the 1980’s. I realized he was calling/serenading (expressing love) his love and said, “I don’t think songs from the 80’s will work.” lol He said, “Really? Oh.” He seemed sad.
As we stood there together he motioned to my bag and asked me, “Aren’t you afraid someone will steal it?” I looked and saw my purse next to a backpack about ten feet away. I said, “No. There is nothing of value in there anyway. Let them take it.” I then focused on my purse and realized I didn’t care if it was taken either.
I sat with him and watched older movies from a tiny phone-sized screen. I said, “Why don’t you buy a bigger screen like a computer?” I then told him about my laptop telling him it only cost me $500. He pulled out a device and it was odd to me. I said, “Is that a phone?” He said, “No.” It looked like a hand-held slot machine. I saw the top of it spin and reveal three gold images: jackpot (need to take a chance in life).
I turned and looked away but when I glanced back the whole place was dusted in snow (fresh new start). I said, “Is it just me or did everything suddenly turn white?” He said, “Not just you. It’s snowing.” He then said to me, “A great northern (progress) is coming in.” I saw in my mind a visual of the tops of mountains and a strong wind blew over the top carrying with it two feet of snow. I could feel the wind very strongly. It was powerful.
When I awoke I had the same Knowing I mentioned above. Things are about to accelerate.
Meant to post yesterday on 11/11 but had a rough start and then got distracted as the day progressed. Had many realizations hit me on the 10th and then that evening had some difficulties that I won’t speak of on here because I don’t feel as “safe” on WP to be fully open about some of my private life as I do on Blogger. I will post a more personal account on Blogger later today if I have time.
Just a note: I find it interesting that though WP is what everyone polled said they preferred, I find I get 1/3 or less of the page views here that I do on Blogger. I get likes and comments on WP, which is nice for the interaction and I wish I could get that on Blogger, too, but the stats say it all. For example, my last post on Blogger got 60 views the day it was posted. My last one here on WP got 10. HUGE difference. Not sure why the difference, though.
Tears, Dreams and Finality
Like I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve been so involved in the mundane that spiritual messages tend to come from synchronicities and the like and are much less direct than they have been in the past. I think I miss messages throughout my day and don’t consciously recognize them as such until later when suddenly I am in the Know and am hit with a realization. This is what happened on the 10th and then yesterday. It was just a Knowing as pieces of memories mixed with syncs kept bombarding me until I recognized the message.
The night of the 10th was rough and then when I woke I had been crying in my dreams again. Basically it all began with FB showing me memories and these memories were like the nail that sealed the coffin before burial – burial of a process, of me, of something that I don’t even have words for. As it is I have been struggling to find something – anything – to look forward to in my life so that I want to get out of bed in the morning. Lately I just want to stay in bed and dream because in my dreams the heavy feeling of life is gone and I feel free to be myself and experience joy and love in a very real way. Even if I end up in tears from my dreams it is better than when I experience them in waking reality. There is a deeper understanding and acceptance of the emotion than when I am awake.
My dreams the night of the 10th were a hodgepodge of strangeness. In them there seemed to be an attempt from my guidance to find something for me to look forward to, some goal or aspiration to keep me going a bit longer.
In one dream I was in a plastic surgery office considering a boob job (lol) and though it was appealing to me to further create on my body I rejected it because, well, it is just a body and will get old regardless of how much I try and stall the aging process.
In another dream I had been thrown into a pit completely naked (exposed). There was a woman/man with me and she/he was my friend. I was also both male and female. This other person was there to help and as I fell to the ground in tears she/he placed a blanket (warmth, security) over me and asked me to look at the exit behind us. It was a tunnel (brand new awareness) through the earth. She/he explained the tunnel was dug by me and meant for my escape.
Finally, in yet another dream, I was cleaning a bathroom (purification) that had layers and layers of dust (neglect) on it. There was an old computer (communication) that had fingerprints inside the monitor. There were also small figurines – toys – that I picked up and placed to the side. One was of am injured pony (playful aspect of self), another of a child (inner child), and yet another of a woman. The woman seemed to show relief as I united them all. I placed her carefully in the lap of another. I then saw the figure turn and look at me and then lean back with relief as she rested in the arms of the other. I remember thinking, “She is alive!”
Dream: A Lifetime in Dreamtime
Last night’s dreams were unexpected, specifically one. In this dream I was inside what appeared to be a medical-like setting with many rooms and hallways laid out as if in a high-rise office building. I was in a room with a man alongside another man who was holding a pointer in his hand while he referred to several monitors/screens in front of us. The monitors were full of data about my life. It is hard to recall the specifics of the data now but I do know it was about my relationship with my husband and how it was designed to play out in a certain way. It irks me that I can’t remember it now! I was very matter-of-fact regarding this info and acknowledged my responsibility and part in everything even those things that normally I would refute.
The man with the pointer asked me some questions that I recall vividly. In one question he said, “Do you remember what your role is here?” I looked at my husband in the dream and said, “Hmmmm. I believe he is a PA (as physician assistant).” Then I laughed out loud and said, “That is fitting!” What is funny is my husband appeared to be anaten (unaware or unconscious). I watched as he walked into another room. He was wearing all white, doctor’s garb.
I was questioned again about my role. I said after some contemplation, “I am a geneticist.” Knowing this pleased me and I laughed with understanding. With continued prompting I remembered: “This is my life when I sleep…..and when I sleep here I go there (as in physicality).” Remembering this cued lucidity and a full-on Knowing came to me as if I had all along been asleep to finally awaken to a brand new day.
There was more discussion after this. Mostly I remember being in complete agreement to my two lives and knowing that both existed independently of the other. In one I was a scientist – geneticist specifically – studying the “human genome”. In another I was living a human life as an experiment of theory and varying hypotheses. My husband in this life was chosen as my partner in both settings, literally “assisting” me in my scientific studies. I saw where I went to enter into this physical lifetime – a small room with a bed that consisted pf a hard, white rectangular platform that came out of the wall when a button was pushed. When I laid down on the platform I would transfer to physical reality.
Eventually the discussion and growing lucidity woke me and I lay stunned in my bed feeling strangely surreal. It felt so real that my husband in this lifetime was merely a coworker in the other reality, one who I was working with to achieve a specific result. Memory hit me of a beautiful swirl of stars and galaxies as viewed through the domed glass of a craft of some sort. It was clear I had not been in an “office building” at all but on board a large ship.
Despite all of this memory my mind was not changed. I still did not want to continue with this physical reality, “experiment” or not, and requested it be concluded. The reply was that to leave physicality was not an exit at all but merely a transition to the other reality permanently for a certain period of time and then a continuation of the experiment. You can image my disappointment at hearing this. lol Yet I understood without question. There is no end to any one reality, just a shift to another one. It’s as normal as the blinking of an eye and the “time” between transition the same.
I fell into the in-between and back into the long, white hallways of the ship. While there I continued to talk with my “teacher” but my perception shifted to a point outside of myself. There I saw my human body morph and change into a more angular version that glowed a golden hue that did not hurt my eyes. I could not make out any particular facial or bodily characteristics because the golden glow was so intense. With this came a memory that all human characteristics of this other reality were superimposed over the appearances of myself and others there to ensure acceptance of and corroboration with the human mind’s capabilities.
Once again I awoke and requested the “experiment” be concluded. And once again I drifted off.
Various Other Dreams
I was inside a large school (learning) setting working with students who were younger than me but appeared my same age. One in particular was smitten with me and kept by my side. I took my students into a room and was shown a large nest of spiders. Inside the nest were baby spiders (new or recent relationship) mixed with red wasps (negativity). I advised them to “burn the entire room”.
We entered a building and upon entry I was warned by a colleague dressed in black robes to be mindful of my smitten student as I could easily mislead him. I understood straight away as I recognized my own tendency to “play” with his very masculine, human side. So, I disconnected from him to keep him safe understanding my role as teacher and it’s implications to a “young new mind”.
Then I went into a large auditorium (need to learn something) and awaited a presentation. I sat down at a row of seats and opened my notebook to take notes. Then flames (invest self in efforts) burst forth from between the seats and I had to move my robe (I was wearing a black robe like a professor) and batted out the fire with it. I listened as the presenter, an acclaimed gentleman who was the founder of some specific technology that would help mankind, list out four “graduates”. He said there were 6 more slots to be filled. My understanding was that these graduates were “Masters” and that there were few in attendance on Earth these days. It appeared the speaker was inviting those in attendance to fill the other 6 seats, like a challenge being presented. I felt uncomfortably out of place, like a total novice. A freshman in a room full of seniors.
Again the dream shifted. I was in a room where there was an over sized statue of Buddha (finding calmness and inner strength) laying on his said. It was a dark, reddish color and I reached down to touch it. It felt like jelly. I asked a question and the statue spoke to me saying, “Please keep it down. You are hurting my ears.” I whispered an apology in awe that the statue was talking. I understood the statue was there as my mentor.
I then shifted into a dream where I was walking the hallways of a very ancient school. I seemed to be taking a tour but was unsure of what I was looking for. I distinctly recall walking past an open cage with ten or twelve small, colorful canaries (happiness, harmony, new relationship) sitting atop it. I was wearing green garden gloves (how I handle things) and they flocked to my hand looking for food. Yet they could not fly (restriction). Once, when I turned back to show a young girl the birds, I saw the mother bird being attacked by another bird. She was huge compared to the babies, the size of a chicken (cowardliness) , and could not fly either. All of them were flightless and I was sad for them.
Very active dream night. I am not as tired this morning as I have been and so dream recall is higher than normal but still not at optimum.
Dream: Alma Mater
I don’t recall much about this dream now, which is disappointing because the messages that came through are quite memorable. I like being able to explore the symbols. What I recall now is being inside a very fancy ballroom or somewhere similar. The walls were white paneling and the ceilings domed with similar paneling. I was with several others walking up a very fancy staircase discussing relationships.
From here it gets blurry. I mostly remember circles being cut in half. I am not sure if they were fruit or not but the one I recall was red like a cherry. There was food, though, because I was taking small chocolates and cutting them in half. Someone said to me, “Alma Mater” in the dream but I can’t recall why.
I began to cry during this dream. It was a feeling of regret mostly, regret of not seeing the good in my husband. Most of the dream was discussing all of his good qualities and viewing him as I did when we first met. Presently, it reminds me of how I use to grieve for the loss of my first marriage when I was recalling our history. One tends to look at all the negative in the moment but in hindsight you can see the good and how easily it is overlooked.
When I awoke I heard again, “Alma Mater”. I stopped crying and remembered what it meant: Bountiful Mother. I knew I needed to revisit a post I had written about it. There would be a message in it.
Here is the post. I had written it in my other blog on WP so it took me a while to find it. The picture is part of the post. Basically, the message is to “Be the Goddess”. However, the feeling I had upon waking was that I needed to somehow return to seeing my husband’s good qualities like I did when we first met and dated. I am not sure I can do that with all the time that has passed. We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary Nov. 24th.
Dream: The Seat
This dream was so good I did NOT want to wake up from it.
It began with me driving on a small motorbike with another woman. She felt like my sister or a close, inexperienced friend. She was in control but I soon realized she could not drive well. I said, “You’re out of practice.” I took the handlebars and let her have control of the gas and brake. Steering her in the right direction was difficult because it was dark and foggy and the roads were unfamiliar. We eventually had to stop to wait for morning.
A traveler came and took us the rest of the way to a small town. There I met others, mostly women. One woman had an old leg injury that I healed with my hands. I remember feeling the intensity of the energy as it surged through me. She felt instant relief and thanked me.
Then we traveled to the next location. The woman with me was a traveler and the other woman from the beginning was no more. I believe the two of us merged into one and that is why she was no longer present.
At the new place I was washing my hair, putting conditioner in it. Then I went to a car, the traveler’s car, to get something but the key was stuck. I pulled it out, an alarm sounded, so I reinserted it and turned it to the left. The key released and the alarm stopped.
I exited through a building that had lines of students inside. They all recognized me asking me, “Did he really cry?” I felt like a celebrity based on the energy in the room. I said he did and passed through.
On the other side I was standing by the motorbike with a woman at the edge of a very large crater. A man was standing there with a woman. When we saw each other there was recognition. He left the other woman’s side and joined me. I knew we were married. We then each put on a parachute and jumped into the gorge. I remember thinking, “I normally wouldn’t do something like this!” I felt such excitement, though.
Somehow my partner and I were split up but I didn’t seem to care. I looked down at the landscape below. It was so beautiful and went on and on forever it seemed. The bowl-like depression was lined with jagged mountains. Each mountain tip seemed to be situated purposely like a flower petal around the center of the bowl. There was greenery intermittent with rocks. I was elated as I landed close to the center.
I saw ahead of me a brilliant white, rectangular platform in the center. I walked up to it and thought, “This is the seat”. In my mind I thought “government” and there was an image of the White House of the U.S. crumbling as if to confirm that I was at the location of the “new government” as the old one had fallen. I lingered only for a moment because I wanted to find my partner. I looked and saw his parachute in the distance and knew he had landed.
I headed in the direction of the parachute and saw that he had fallen into deep water. The strange thing is that the body of water appeared like a channel that had been purposefully dug. It looked like one of the spokes of a huge wheel. In the water were three men all swimming but unable to get out without assistance. The first man called out to me. He had very blonde hair and was smiling. I remember thinking, “Ken” as in “Ken and Barbie”. I passed by him and the other man, my eyes on my partner at the end.
When I reached him I leaned down to help him out. I saw his dark hair and eyes and smiled in recognition. He grabbed onto my arm and pulled himself up but his weight was so much it pulled me down and almost into the water with him. I helped him out, though, and he fell on top of me.
He sat up, straddling me. He was completely naked. I assume I was, too, but that was not my focus. I was too happy to see him and kept kissing him eagerly. I wrapped my legs around him and we kissed and laughed for a bit. I kept pulling him toward me and not letting him get up. He said to me while motioning toward the seat, “We’ve got to get going…..” I said, “I don’t wanna….” I remember thinking to him, “Pleeeeeease” He was resisting my advances but I could feel what he wanted was the same as what I wanted. He was concerned others would see us. He felt exposed. I acknowledged him but sent him, “So? I don’t care.” It was understandable to feel exposed. There we were, both naked out in the open with at least two other men watching and who knows who else could see us.
I felt the moment he made his choice. He finally stopped holding back and gave in to what he wanted (and I wanted, too). In that instant I saw the number 111 flash behind his left shoulder. Then, I felt a surge of energy in my root chakra like a bolt of lightening. It came with a release, like years and years of pent up energy finally had somewhere to go. We both felt it but the intensity of it was too much for me and when the second surge hit, I woke up.
Afterward
When I awoke I was crying. I couldn’t help myself. It was just so beautiful. I was overjoyed, overflowing. I was also very upset to have woken up. What awful timing I have! I spent a good amount of time after that lingering in the memory of it, savoring it.
My mind then went to the dream before and all the symbolism. The two versions of myself becoming one – the experienced one and the one needing practice. I remembered the “traveler” and the strange key. The room of children asking over and over, “Did he really cry?”
The most spectacular was the bowl shaped depression we wound up in. I knew the “seat” was the “seat of the soul” and that the “bowl” was a chakra. The mountains around the edge were in the shape of a flower…..a lotus maybe? And the water was between each of the mountain tops in linear shapes all pointing to the center. It was as if we were in the center of the actual chakra!
The crumbling “government” and new government must be symbolic of the Ego and the Higher Self. One crumbled, “destroyed”, replaced by the better, more experienced one. Yet I did not linger at this new “seat”. Instead I helped my partner who had gotten stuck in the water (emotional overwhelm maybe?). I suspect we would both have gone to the seat together had I not awakened prematurely!
As I smiled at the realization of all of the above I heard very distinctly, “Pilgrim” and the Enya song came to mind.
I’ve been meaning to write sooner but each day I can’t seem to find the time and when I do find time I am either too tired or have lost motivation. Today is similar and even in writing this I am tempted to go lay on the floor (my attempt at meditation/grounding) for a while or take a bath rather than write. The tiredness comes from the previous four days of sleep deprivation. I seem unable to catch up no matter how many hours of sleep I accrue.
Additionally, our new puppy, Monty, requires tons of attention. I feel like a new mother! The only time I get to myself is when he takes naps. When he is awake I have to constantly monitor him and play with him. His morning nap is when I have scheduled my workout. His afternoon nap is when I am usually laying on the floor zoned out. lol By the evening he sleeps more but I am too busy with dinner and the kids to do much else. Once bedtime comes around all I want is sleep.
Speaking of Monty, he is settling into our family well. He has been kennel trained already meaning he goes to his kennel when he wants to sleep and play and will go into it when asked. He sleeps in it during the day and in the night without complaint, only whining when he needs to go potty. He is well on his way to being potty trained, too. He is a bit stubborn about the nipping/biting but then he is a herding dog so that is to be expected.
Here are some recent photos of him. He was 7 weeks old on Tuesday.
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Messages and Kundalini
The last four nights I have had messages in dreams along with Kundalini the last two nights. I have been so dead tired that I have forgotten most of the dreams except for last night’s.
Firstly, two nights ago I received a message that was simply two words: Portal and Change. They seemed unrelated but then I received it again but this time heard it as “Change. Portal.” The feeling I got was that change was coming and it was related to a portal and somehow both were connected to the planet Mars. In my tiredness I mentally sent an eyeroll and fell back to sleep. lol
Edit: I just realized this “portal” is likely the 11/11 portal. What is weird is that I thought we were long past 11/11. Not sure where I’ve been….oh yeah zoned out on the floor. lol And apparently Mars and the Moon will be doing a dance on the 14th. 🙂
That night I had a dream of which only a small portion remains. I have a vague recollection of working alongside a male companion under the instruction of a male teacher. We had late work to do and I cheerfully agreed to complete it since it was math and I am “good at math”. I remember heading my paper with “Worcester” only I spelled it with a “ch”. Then I wrote out four digit subtraction problems and was praised for my neatness.
Also, early that night, prior to the dream and message, I had Kundalini activity in my root chakra again. Just like last month it was a very physical experience but this time I didn’t awaken and almost forgot it except that the experience are very intense so some of that intensity bled through enough to remember it.
Last night I again had Kundalini activity early in the night. I have faint memory of a bright, white light accompanying root chakra activity and a very pleasurable sensation. This time I woke up from it but had cramping in my abdomen like IBS pain that took about 10 minutes to subside.
The following dream came early this morning:
Kundalini Dream: Extinguishing the Fire
I was with a woman in a school building. We were taking down Christmas bulletin boards and clearing out our classrooms. The woman had a tiny red ball that she would press up against the bulletin boards. It somehow pulled them off like a magnet and then dissolved the material. The bulletin boards came down fast because of this gadget.
I remember thinking we would be done soon and said to the woman, “I don’t know why they give us so much time to do this. I can get it all done in a day.” The feeling was we had a week similar to what teachers get at the end of the school year.
Then I noticed a small fire burning near the floor. It was coming from a strand of Christmas lights. No one noticed the fire but me but I knew if I didn’t put it out it would engulf the entire room and building. I found a fire extinguisher and fiddled with it. Someone asked me if I knew how to use it. I said I did and then flipped the little ring off and pointed it at a drain on the floor to see if it would work. It did and so I then directed it at the flames. They went out almost immediately.
When we were done I met two women. One was very tall and the other very, very small and child-sized. I greeted the first, hugging her and saying, “It’s so good to finally meet you!” When I went to hug the smaller woman she said, “You know we’ve met before.” I looked at her closely and knew somehow that she was really male despite her female appearance. I also knew the two were a couple and were trying to have a baby.
I ended up with the child-sized woman/man and seemed to get a lesson from her/him. She showed me in mental images male genitalia and explained how men can have multiple orgasms. I was fascinated by this and the more we discussed it the more lucid I became. My root chakra activated and shifted up into my second chakra. There was a “lesson” going on when this occurred but I only recall “extinguishing” the activity rather than giving into it. I do remember saying to the woman/man, “I need a partner.” When I said this is when I extinguished the energy despite very much wanting to give into it.
I woke up with the energy still very active and my lower chakras but it died down quickly.
Still really tired I attempted to sleep and ended up in the in-between. Most of what was discussed is lost to me now. I was just too tired to try and remember it all. However, I recall being told something about change and having a lot more coming. I suspect it has to do with the Kundalini but can’t be sure.
Part of a song was going through my head as I woke. Over and over I heard:
It’s not giving up, it’s letting go And moving to a better place
It’s from this song:
My thoughts about the above dream are that it relates to the ending of my job/assignment as a “teacher”. The decorations being of a Christmas theme remind me of the many OBEs and dreams I’ve had with Christmas trees and gifts in them over the past several years. I seem to finally be moving beyond whatever this theme was all about. Gifts, Christmas….surprises, attraction or maybe expectation? IDK but the fact that I took that fire extinguisher and put out the fire to me is GOOD. I’m saying, “Nope. Not gonna be the effect of the ‘fire’ anymore.” Then the dream reiterates that I am ready to put out the fire because I literally shut down the Kundalini rather than give into it.
On Letting Go of Time
Yesterday in my exhaustion I opted to just browse FB rather than write in my blog. I ran across a post that jumped out at me. It seemed to be an explanation of the message I got recently – Let go of Time and Possibility – specifically the part in bold.
“hell is always doing things by laughing. It’s about living thinking about something else. Hell is never to be there, but always a little before or a little later, regretting something or waiting for another. It’s never gonna listen to you when you’re talking, ‘ cause you fuck around and there’s no reason for it to stop. Hell is life wasted waiting for life, thought wasted thinking of something else. This is where things become endless, where time passes, where time always goes far too slowly, where the days spread as centuries. As soon as we don’t see time, it’s that we went inside. And then everything lights up, everything lights up. The Kingdom is a state you reach when you don’t see time. It’s like party or love, but transferred to every moment of life. “
From: (pacôme thiellement, the victory of the without)
The quote is an accurate description of why I feel Earth is hell. Time here seems like an eternity, mostly it seems I will never get to the end of this torture. Many years of my life I have spent waiting. Waiting for what? IDK but it seems like I am just waiting for something, passing time. That is how I feel right now. Passing time, keeping busy so that time goes faster. The only thing I look forward to right now is sleep. I wish I could sleep forever. <——— I’ve been saying that for years…decades even.
So to let go of Time would be a huge deal.
Tarot Reading
A few days ago my brother sent me a link to a tarot reading he did for me. It was very good and had some parts that really hit home for me. Mostly I received validation of messages I had received via my guides and my own intuition. Sometimes, though, validation is all one needs.
These are the cards he drew for me:
The cards are as follows: Empress reversed, Queen of Swords, Strength reversed, Ten of Wands, Temperance, The Moon, Page of Pentacles.
I won’t include the whole reading as it is too long. Therefore, I will include only what he wrote in bold because he felt it was most important to my situation.
Empress reversed: Reversed, the Empress suggests a loss of personal power through placing too much emphasis on another person’s emotional or material needs, thus neglecting your own…..This card can also suggest a dependence on other people’s feelings, indicating that you may be playing a waiting game now to see how your partner reacts and what emotion he/she displays. It is best not to do this but instead work through your own emotions independently of him or her. Notice that your next card is The Queen of Swords which further supports what was just said.
Queen of Swords: You are far more interested in career and ambitions than in emotional matters. The butterflies seemed to pop out to me when I drew this card (look at her gown). I haven’t really read any of your blogs recently but I remember seeing a butterfly in one of them.
Strength reversed: Strength reversed indicates weakness. You may have recently experienced a setback, or you are questioning your own journey and whether you are on the right track. Your inner strength and courage is lacking right now and you are feeling inadequate and vulnerable as a result. While these feelings may seem very real when you are in the moment, you will soon come to realize that they exist only to remind you that you are only temporarily out of touch with your inner strength. Similarly, the reversed Strength Tarot card suggests that you may be starting to doubt yourself and lose some self-esteem and self-confidence. Instead of taking the lead and manifesting your goals, you may be engaging in self-doubt and becoming dependent on others’ feelings and actions that then dictate your own. (Look at the top paragraph of The Empress)
Ten of Wands: Learn to delegate responsibility and do not take on more than you can handle.
Temperance: Moderation and wise management are the keys to success. You need to slow down, reevaluate your position, and remain open to compromise. The Temperance card reflects that you have a clear, long-term vision of what you want to achieve. Patience and moderation will result in good management of all things. (Look at 10 of Wands)
The Moon: That which has been invisible or secret is coming to the surface.This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances.The card itself reminded me of your new puppy. Especially since the card has two dogs and a Full Moon in the background (Notice that its a Full Moon today). I think it signifies something that needs to be uncovered within your psyche over your former dog, Trooper. Or maybe something even deeper that is bothering you.
Page of Pentacles: The card does not indicate the fulfillment of dreams as much as the initial motivation and energy to begin the process of creating those dreams in reality. Therefore, this card encourages you to begin to put in placeclear plans and actions that will ultimately lead you to achieve your dreams and goals. This is a time when you need to be able to apply careful planning in order to manifest your dreams and achieve your goals.
He also drew some advice cards for me. The one that stood out to me was the Spiritual Partnership card.
This card indicates a time when a significant spiritual relationship is about to be forged, Perhaps it comes in the form of a friendship between like-minded souls on a similar journey toward enlightenment. Or maybe its a master/disciple relationship where an important individual enters your life. The saying goes, “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, and when yours arrives, he or she will assist you in expanding your spiritual growth. During the course of this relationship, you will play the role of both teacher and student, and the wisdom gained form this experience will enhance your connection to Source. Perhaps a spiritually minded catalyst in another’s spiritual journey and help that individual on his or her path. Reason will broaden your understanding of the Divine. Regardless of the form this spiritual relationship takes, it will serve your greater good.
Reminders
When I’m as tired as I have been and not as spiritually inclined I tend to receive messages in synchronicities and such rather than directly. One such sync occurred yesterday when browsing the astral projection group I am a part of on FB. I have long been disconnected from it so thought I would look through the recent posts. Turns out there was one where they were asking for OBE accounts where the experiencer meets up with a deceased loved one. Of course the one I recalled first off was the one where I met my dad in the astral in December, 2005. In it he warned me of my sister’s upcoming life struggles and asked me to help her. It was such an odd OBE because of how intent he was on passing along the message. Intent enough that he always turned the conversation back to my sister when I tried to change the subject. He must have really wanted to get his point across to put as much effort into contacting me as he did!
After I wrote my account of that encounter I was reminded of all that has been happening with my sister lately. Most recently my mom and step-father have been losing sleep because someone has been vandalizing their property in the night. If you haven’t been reading my other blog then you don’t know all the crazy family drama that has been going on. To keep it short, my sister and BIL were evicted from my mom’s house just a couple of weeks ago. It is suspected that it is my BIL who is doing the vandalizing.
The OBE with my father all those years ago seemed to echo in my memory as if my father was saying to me, “See. I told you. Hard times.” And up to this point it has been so very accurate a prediction. Since that OBE my sister has been through hell and though she seemed to come back from it for a bit appears to be headed back there.
Knowing and Returns
And then there are the sparks of Knowing that hit me out of the blue. I do my best to ignore them but one got through the other day. I was trying to sleep and one of my guides came close. I began to dramatize, whining about how horrible my life is and how I want to go Home, etc, etc (typical whiny me). He gave me a look like, “Give it up.” lol Then turned his back on me. I stopped and knew instantly I was being childish and this was “getting old”. I asked him, “What’s wrong?” He said, “You’re not listening” (sound familiar?). I immediately shut that part of me down and settled into my calm heart space.
The next morning I woke up feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed and wanting to go into my “poor me” whining again. Instead, though, I felt someone cut me off mid-thought and when he did (it was that same guide) I Knew I would get everything I wanted. It hit me so strongly along with memory of previous Knowing of the same.exact.thing. I worried a little then that I would get what I wanted and it would end up being a hard lesson. lol Then I wondered what is was I wanted….well you get the idea. Thinking too much again.
This year I’ve not been the best at practicing what I learned prior. I was doing so good for so long, too. But honestly with all the letdown at the end of 2016 is was to be expected. I felt totally decimated and picking up the pieces of my crumbled Self has not been is not easy. The reading above is so right on with the Strength card reversed. I am depleted – mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Right now I am clinging desperately to the physical aspects because, well, it is the only part of me that seems strong still. In fact, I have not been sick since summer and am in the best shape I’ve been in since my 20s. But I can’t do anything with my physical life beyond shaping this body until I have rebuilt the other parts. I have to be mentally sharp and interested again, I have to reconnect with my heart and emotional center, and I need a strong spiritual connection.
Getting the new puppy has me wondering if perhaps I am at the ending of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. The old cycle would have begun in 2000 when I got Trooper. Now, with Monty, perhaps I have returned to similar lessons from the year 2000. I feel similar in many ways – the same questions, the same emotional state, feeling fractured and alone, not knowing what I want or where I want to go in life. Stranded, stuck, without courage.
I feel like I felt prior to 2014 when everything started ramping up spiritually. I am again asking myself, “What now? What’s left to do in this life? Is this all there is?” I am not excited about life, though I am trying to keep myself interested. I feel once again like my life is pointless and without meaning. I question living as a human, of procreation, of the cycle of life and death….of all of it. I look back on my life and find I’ve accomplished little to nothing of value and I don’t really care. Because of the Kundalini I don’t want to have sex ever again (lol yeah really) and so have been unintentionally practicing abstinence for…. months, I’ve lost count now. No physical sexual act will ever live up to what I have experienced, at least not unless it is melded with the spiritual and I’ve lost hope of that ever happening in my lifetime. So what is left? No sex, no enjoyment of everyday things, nothing to look forward to but…..sleep. You get why I wonder, “Is this it?” Maybe next I just need to suck it up and accept that, yep, this is it.
OMG I’m so tired! Finally got sleep last night but it has been a long time coming. 4 straight days of hardly any sleep adds up. I forgot to mention that I’ve also had a headache on and off, mostly at night, all four days and the last two days I’ve had a horrible crick in my neck that makes it hurt to look anywhere but “straight ahead”. Yeah, I didn’t miss the message in that last part. Look straight ahead. No looking back or to the side. Ha!
Our puppy Monty is a handful and does not want to sleep at night. Instead he sleep during the day and whines most of the night. When he plays he is adorable, attacking with a full-on pounce like a cat and then growling and barking at his prey, a tiny stuffed bear. He is learning his name and coming more when called already and started to recognize that grass = potty, not the floor.
Last night I woke suddenly at 11pm from a very deep sleep and flew out of bed to go down and check on Monty. Turns out he had an accident in his kennel/crate and so it was good I woke up like I did. Mommy instincts must be on for him because then I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about him. lol I had to remind myself I needed the sleep and staying up worrying over a whining puppy would do neither of us any good. It was the “cry it out” method for puppy and sleep for me!
My husband was up around 4am yelling at my daughter to go tend to Monty so I know his whining woke him up. I was grateful that I wasn’t asked to do it and fell back to sleep.
Monty – all tuckered out.
Dream: Let Go of Time and Possibility
I’ve not been remembering my dreams of late but this one is very memorable. The first thing I recall is being taken to a neighborhood (aspects of subconscious) that was newly constructed. The houses were on rolling hills and we were heading to a house on the hilltop. I remember commenting on the locating saying I would not want a house on the hill (struggles to get to goal) but I knew why someone would: the view.
Inside the house I realized I was with my mom and family. A realtor (new sense of self) had brought us to a house to sell us on his proposal. I sat on the sofa very tired and overheard what was proposed. He wanted my mom to sell her land to him so his company could build a neighborhood like the one we were in. In exchange he would pay off all her debt but 10%. Her mortgage would be gone and she would be set for the rest of her life. The houses he would build would be spaced far apart and not be many, just enough to make a small neighborhood. I remember telling my mom I had many dreams about just such a future for the family land and suggested a location.
I became very tired (resisting awareness) and took a nap on the sofa. When I woke up I was disoriented and irritated that they woke me up. I recall seeing the owner of the house leave and wondering why he didn’t care that I was making a mess of his living room. I had pillows and blankets (comfort) all bundled around me.
The realtor was very insistent that I participate in the negotiations for this “deal”. Sleepy-eyed I followed everyone into the kitchen and sat down at a bench-like table. There was a contract to be signed and the only person left to sign was me. I recall hearing more details but not caring or being excited about any of it. I asked, “When will construction begin?” He said, “Oh we won’t be breaking ground until 2036.” I remember thinking that was a long time. He then gave me some advice, “I suggest you let go of time and possibility.”
This message woke me up somewhat in the dream and I repeated it to myself as I walked out of the house to look at the neighborhood. I saw a garbage truck (get rid of old habits) in the distance and followed the sidewalk as I repeated it over and over. I was carrying a handful of chicken strips (cowardliness) in my hand and lost a few, bent down and picked them up and then saw a couple more ahead of me on the path. I heard again, “Let go of Time and Possibility.”
I woke up groggy hearing a song verse in my head, “And I think it’s gonna be a long, long time….” The verse repeated over and over along with the message and the date, 2036.
Conversation with Husband
The dream reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband last night. We were talking about human conditioning and it’s affects on life and individual happiness. Specifically we were in agreement that we have been brainwashed into believing that the ultimate goal in life is to experience as much pleasure as possible, specifically pleasure in sex. In our own ways we have both gotten to the point that we are rejecting much of our attitudes and beliefs about sex. I am in a place where I am trying to fill in the gaps left by rejecting these ideas, searching for meaning and trying to make sense of what life has to offer once these ideas are removed. My husband seems to have already found his own answer though I am unclear of what it is still.
I was philosophizing for much of the conversation discussing my observations in this lifetime. We discussed what it is to “live” and I offered two options – the “safe” route and the “go for it”, Seize the Day options. The former tends toward a gentle, consistent curve if one were to view as a chart or graph. The latter is a spike that drops down quickly. Both have the same end one is just more extreme than the other. I asked my husband which life he prefers: the intense and exciting one or the “boring”, safe and consistent one?
He said he prefers the intense one and that he believes everyone prefers it. I disagreed. He went on to discuss how life in the present has removed much of what creates the excitement of the intense one. We live longer, we are more “secure”, we no longer have to fight for our existence like in the past. I told him that time and time again I opt for the safe path but that I suspect the reason for that is that I have already lived many of the more extreme lives and am now taking a break. I asked him if he could see how we might choose to experience both types of lives and how both offered their own unique lessons? He said he could see that. I said it is likely that part of the lesson is in being willing to experience either type of lifetime without desiring what we don’t have – to be happy with what we have when we have it.
Nonetheless, we both have this inborn, human drive toward seeking pleasure. It is always there and is the origin of human suffering. The key is to not be the effect of it.
By the end of our conversation I had the answer to questions I have been asking myself for a while now. I have been unable to understand why my soul put me through everything it did in 2015-2016. Why would I be exposed to the feelings I had, feelings I did not even know existed prior to that time? Why would I feel the entire time that giving into them was “bad” and that I should avoid them at all costs? Where did the seemingly irrational fear come from?
It all goes back to something I asked a while ago when I was asked by my guidance that infamous question: What do you want? I said I wanted a connection with my husband. I wanted our relationship to be what it should be. In my mind I was unsure of what this even meant by my heart knew. I recognized that what I had asked for was much bigger than I could have imagined. So big that it required me to rectify the split between my spiritual and physical selves. I told my husband about this split and how I felt that when I was whole (meaning my spiritual and physical selves are in balance) much of our (me and his) issues would be resolved.
During my conversation with my husband I could see how my request was also shaping his life and that his lesson was similar to my own. He was learning it in his own way, separate from me and that is how it should be. His challenges are not the same as my own. Yet there we were, together, connecting and recognizing our lesson is one in the same.
We discussed many other things and had an enjoyable evening of sharing and communicating. Communication is what our relationship has always been built upon and when we are in good communication it is obvious to us both why we are together in this life. I was able to see more clearly the path I chose to take with him and why. It is the “longer” more “secure” path – yes – but one of the advantages of this path is the extended lessons it brings. Lessons one will not have the opportunity to learn via the shorter, more exciting paths.
The message from my dream is asking me to put aside my considerations of time and possibility. My interpretation is that this means I need to stop hoping for the possible outcomes that come with the passage of time. Let go of Time – stop thinking “what if” or “when ____ happens then _____ happens.” Let go of Possibility – stop the wishful thinking; the could’ve, should’ve thinking. Part of me feels that letting go of these things means letting go of my hope. It doesn’t.
In considering the Time portion of the message I came across a message from Eron given to me a while back. Time is nothing but a preoccupation of thought. So, let go of Time, let go of preoccupation of thought. Interesting!
I am reminded of a dream fragment from a couple of nights ago. I was talking to a person who had lost their left arm and possibly their legs, too. Their message to me was, “You never know when your time here will end. So live life like there’s no tomorrow.”
The combination of the two messages is one I’ve heard many times before: Live in the Now. Be present in the Now. What’s even funnier here is that my husband and I had a conversation about that very subject the day after the dream with the one armed person. Ha!
Since my last post I have had trouble sleeping. Maybe it’s the energies of the full moon or some other influence but I can’t fall asleep. Normally I go to bed around 9pm because the kids wake at 6:30am for school and inevitably so do I. However, for three nights straight I don’t fall asleep until midnight or 1am. That means for three nights straight I’ve only gotten 4-5 hours of sleep when normally I get 8-9.
When I sleep I have strange dreams all centered on the same dream theme of me being given a new job. After each dream I wake suddenly as if in surprise at around 5:45am, well before I have to wake up. Then I can’t return to sleep. 😦
Dream: Job Assignment
In this dream I was told I was to be assigned to this well-to-do man who could get me into a position as an administrative assistant or similar. I was not keen on this type of work but went accepted it anyway. The woman talking to me gave me the impression of a man who had several prostitutes working for him. It put me off but then when I met the other woman I felt at ease.
The main thing I recall is fixing my hair (evaluating a new way of thinking, new perspective). When I brushed it the color changed from a dull, medium blonde (dish water blonde) to a vibrant, flaxen blonde (vibrancy) that curled on the end. It looked like Barbie hair. I put it up in a side pony tail.
Then I met the man who was to get me the job. I can’t remember what he looked like now but in the dream it seemed like he was making war with others. He was also throwing large pallets full of money (success, prosperity). Very odd imagery!
Dream: Four Friends
In this job I was watching a detective trying to question people about a theft. I remember not knowing where I was and being a bit confused. Eventually I was with him and three others sitting outside at a picnic table. One man was a police officer (structure, rules) dressed in uniform. Another was a pregnant (experiencing connection) woman. I suddenly recognized the feeling I had and said to the group, “Can you feel it? We are all connected.” One woman gave me a frantic look and I said, “No, not like that. We don’t have to be romantic but it is obvious we were brought together for a reason.” I felt confident that I was right.
I then went to a truck (hard work) that was parked on the side of the road. Across the road was a strange mesa and I mentioned to the man I was with that I missed the mountains (knowledge, spiritual truth). I told him about them and as I spoke I could see them in the distance. I remember calling them “Blue” and mentioning Montana.
Eventually I was in the truck. An old friend of mine was driving me north and she was irritated to be there with me. Long ago she cut ties with me so I understood her upset. She took me on a road that had heavy construction (rebuilding life, surge of confidence) and then to a house where I was to be given my next job.
Inside the house I waited in a small bedroom. Curious, I looked through the drawers and saw several pill bottles (healing), sexual lubricant and a tube of estrogen cream (sexuality, the feminine). I knew somehow the woman was pregnant and had to use the cream but I was grossed out.
Dream: Movement Manager
This was last night’s dream. I was with my sister and recall eating pizza (choice) stuffed with veggies. Then a woman arrived and announced we had both been given jobs because of our background as teachers. The woman was very excited and assured us we would not be disappointed. My sister was all for it but I was suspicious. Why would someone just give me a job?
She took us inside the place we would be working. It had the highest ceilings (spiritual perspective) I had ever seen and I mentioned it was high enough for a second floor. There were three desks in the center of the room and around it were other cubicles and workstations. It was obvious the ones in the center were the higher positions. Turns out the desks were ours and we were to be supervising everyone in the building. I also discovered we were to be working for Mazda but we weren’t selling cars we were managing the people who owned cars (life paths). Our main job was the answer the phones (communication). I remember thinking that would be a very boring job but then reconsidering because it would be “good money”.
Then we were being introduced to the others I felt very uncomfortable because I had no experience with management. My sister fit right in but I lingered in the back unsure of what was going on. The lady in charge began to call out names to announce us to the company. Mine was called but I did not go up front. My sister did and tried to get me to go but I wouldn’t. Turns out they replaced me thinking I was a no-show but the lady in charge found me and told me she got me back my position. I was told I would be making $29,000/year (adds up to 11 again). I remember telling her, “That is not as much as I thought. My family can’t move to Dallas on that kind of salary.”
I woke suddenly then and wondered about the dream. I heard, “Movement Manager” out of the blue. For some reason I was not happy at all when I woke up.
Observations
In the last few days I have noticed some shifting in the energy and in myself. I’ve been feeling slightly anxious in the evenings. Nothing major but mostly I can’t get my mind to shut up. There is something I sense that I can’t quite put my finger on and it is unnerving.
Then I’ve also noticed that while I am going about my day and not particularly thinking of anything that there are conversations going on in the background of my mind. Yesterday this was happening a lot and I would catch myself mentally telling someone something that made no sense to this reality. Strange phrases and such that were out of place. I can’t recall them now but I briefly wondered if perhaps I was getting a glimpse of another reality/dimension – like I was dialed in. It annoyed me, though, because it made my normally quiet mind seem like a radio station.
Yesterday I was visited by a butterfly in the park. I took some photos and then afterward it landed on my left shoulder and stayed there for some time. Even after that it flew back toward me almost like it was drawn to me.
Puppy Time
This afternoon we are going to drive down south to take a look at five puppies and select the one who is to be the new addition to our family. It is a 2 hour drive, though, but hopefully it will be well worth it. The puppy will not be cheap – $500 – but I am prepared to pay for a breed I know will be good for my family. Since we are getting a miniature Australian Shepherd the cost is higher – they are in demand. Standards are about half the price. I believe I paid $225 for my Trooper way back in 2000.
You may wonder why we don’t just get a dog from the pound. Mostly it is because I want an Aussie. If we get a pound puppy (lol) then we don’t know what we will get. We roll the dice. I know the temperament of an Aussie and really don’t want to end up with a dog that will be hard to manage or have issues. My BIL just had such an experience with a puppy he got from the pound. Not saying that dogs in the pound are bad but I just don’t want to take a chance.
One of the things that is on my mind at night and causing anxiety is the new puppy. I keep having anxious thoughts – what if it gets sick and dies? What if we can’t afford the puppy? What if he runs away? …. What if’s like that. I also had a resurgence of grieving for Trooper. I feel like such a sap and am really hard on myself for my perceived “weakness”. It seems wrong for me to grieve so much for an animal when in comparison I hardly grieved at all when I lost my grandparents and father.
Anyway, we will see what happens. We may get there and I may dislike the sellers and the feeling there. Who knows. Here are the puppies we can choose from:
I made sure not to ask for any clarification last night prior to sleep. lol Yet I still had an eventful night full of interesting conversations and symbolism.
Dream: New Shrink
Most of this dream was spent next to a shirtless, dark-haired and very handsome man. What more could a girl ask for? lol We were talking for most of the dream about a change that was needed with my “sessions”. Specifically, the word “shrink” was used which I find funny but I think it may have been meant to be funny because I was in a playful mood like I tend to be when I’m OOB. The best way to describe the way I am is mischievous and super loving and expressive. There is a kindness that pervades my personality as well, like I am unable to hurt anyone purposefully. I guess also “innocent” would be a good descriptor, too, as well as “wide open” and “happily vulnerable”. This personality is becoming more and more common in dreamtime and when I experience it I accept myself wholeheartedly without concern or worry that I may be taken advantage of.
Anyway, the conversation centered around me needing a new “shrink” (therapist = guide, counselor, adviser) and a replacement of the old one for reasons that now make no sense. All I recall of the reason now is that some level has been reached. I have brief flashes of a visual of the exchange but it is hard to recall. Ultimately, though, the new shrink was this man I was with who was explaining it all. Most of my memory here is of his bare chest which was quite muscular. I felt a magnetic attraction to him which was surprised me and I mentioned it to him the minute I felt it. I also embraced him and attempted to kiss him. He pulled away, reminding me he was “gay” lol and I was immediately apologetic saying, “I didn’t think a gay guy could be so attractive to me!” and then giggled. lol I don’t know if he was actually gay or if he was trying to remind me that his purpose was not to indulge me. Probably the latter.
I do recall that I asked if Chris would be leaving. I heard he would not and that this new shrink/guide served a different purpose. My guess is he is to help clear blockages. The bare chested man could have been Chris now that I think of it because when I saw him last he looked the similar, was bare chested (naked) and the magnetic attraction and friendship felt between us was the same.
Dream: Biting Fly
In this dream I was with my husband in a bedroom. I remember the room was unfamiliar, maybe a hotel room because the bed was white and the walls plain. There was also a large mirror (truth) over the bed (intimate/private area of life). It was dark in the room and I was preparing for bed. He left and returned and with him came this tiny fly (emotional or physical dirtiness, guilt, breakdown of plan) that had a yellow and black pattern like a hornet. It kept buzzing around my face and interrupting me to the point that I can’t recall now what I was saying or planning to do. My husband told me to ignore it, that it wouldn’t bite me, but I was not so sure.
Eventually I left the room and went on an errand. I was driving through dark streets and came to an intersection (choices). There was a police officer directing traffic (must adhere to certain rules). I turned left and went onto a college (lessons) campus deciding to head back home because I was keenly aware that I had left my ID (personal identity) behind and was worried the officer knew.
Somehow I ended up with some college girls and then becoming the observer of an entire other dream. It is mostly lost to me now, jumbled up and hard to decipher. What I do recall is that I was observing something to do with me. The story line was that I had been sexually molested as a child but lost all memory of it because I was so young when it happened. There is briefly return to the discussion of “therapy” here.
The next thing I remember is talking to the dark-haired guide again and making a bowl of chicken noodle soup (cowardliness). Then I was looking for a pie (reward for my hard work) as I walked between a washer/dryer (need to resolve issues of past before new start) and being told I could not have any. lol
Lucid Dream within a Dream
Then I was laying down to go to sleep, got settled in and sat up and steped out of my sleeping body. I felt to be in the hotel-like bedroom and knew I was dreaming. I could not see so I turned on my astral vision by blinking and intending to see. My vision cleared immediately and appeared to be wiped clear by invisible windshield wipers.
It was dark in the room I was in but I could see a light in the distance. My first thought was to look for a message. I’m not sure why I thought I was going to receive a message but I went straight toward the bedroom where my husband was sleeping because it appeared white to me and in my mind I saw many white dry-erase boards. To me this meant a message would be there and I wanted to know what it said.
When I got inside the bedroom I saw the scene just as I had left it in the other dream. Full memory of the other dream came to me and I had no interest in pursuing the message. I received from my guidance a message of, “Go ahead already.” lol So I continued the dream. The biting fly was gone and I could see the sleeping body of a man, my husband, in the bed.
I went up to him and crawled under the covers with him putting my hands on him to try and arouse him. My intention was obviously sexual and he did not resist. What is odd here is that when I looked at his face it appeared to be covered in a bluish, see-through, gel mask and the face underneath shifted constantly making it hard to make out the features underneath. My recognition of him was as my ex-husband and also my current husband, like they were two people in one.
I’ll save you the details and just say that I had my way with him and then woke up from a shot of Kundalini energy. Surprised by the way I acted in my dreams I pushed it out of my mind and tried to return to sleep. In hindsight, I suspect my actions were the message. It reveals something about me; what I am seeking. Sex = power, fulfillment, need for love and passion in life.
Instead I entered the in-between where I continued to feel energy in various parts of my body. The sensation lulled me deeper and made it hard to stay conscious of what was going on. I believe this was intentional and that whatever work was being done needed to go unhindered.
What I recall of this time is discussion with my guide and knowing that a timeline had been shifted and there had been delays to the original plan.
Considerations
When I woke up I was thinking of my past and how things have played out in this lifetime. There was with this a consideration of how the only thing that really matters in life is the people and relationships you hold dear.
Yesterday afternoon I had a moment of calm and clarity that came out of the blue. I felt very satisfied with my life and happy. So happy that I wanted to reach out to a friend via phone or email and just jabber away and play catch-up. The feeling I had was like I had an outstanding life win and needed to share it, but then I didn’t really have anything in particular to share. lol
Prior to this moment of clarity I had a thought and asked myself, “Looking back on your life, when were you most happy?” What came to mind was when I lived in the country and my dog Trooper was still alive. He was my running partner and I cherished our frequent runs together. He had so much energy and joy. He could run as far as I liked, often 4-6 miles at a time. If I was ever in a bad mood he would cheer me up. He could sense when I was sad and would come and snuggle. And whenever I came home he was always so overjoyed to see me.
With these memories came a question, “If you only had a little time left on Earth, what would you change about your life?” Of course, in thinking of my beloved friend/pet I knew that I would want another dog. Another friend to accompany me on runs and to bring joy to my life and my children’s lives. My daughter has been begging me for a dog almost daily and in that moment I knew I was ready to get another dog.
Afterward I decided I would look online for an Aussie puppy, maybe even the miniature version (they are up to 35lbs when normal Aussies are 55-60 lbs and sometimes more). If I don’t have much time left in this life I would like to experience the love of a pet again even if I have to watch them grow old and die. My children’s lives and my own will be fuller for it.
After this decision was when I realized all the things I withhold from myself. Times when I want to spontaneously pick up the phone and call someone who is special to me. I always stop myself and did so this time, too. Why? Because of fear. Fear they won’t want to talk to me, fear I will want too much to talk to them, fear the expectation will ruin it, fear that I will find out something I don’t want to know….just fear. Yet it is all the times I don’t call, that I don’t reach out, that in the end will be my biggest regrets. Even knowing this, I chose not to act. It didn’t feel right. I’m not sure it ever will feel right again but I was happy nonetheless because I knew I had the ability to choose at any moment to reach out and reconnect. And in knowing that I felt powerful because of my choice and the potential of it.
And I held onto that feeling, the calm and happiness it brought me, held it close to my heart.
Prior to bed I asked for clarification on the dream I mentioned in my last post, the one where I was in the check-out line and received the message, “Removal Order.” I asked my guidance to give me more clarity on it because it has been bothering me. A straight-forward explanation would be ideal. I felt immediate confirmation via an all-over-body surge of warm energy that spread around me like a hug. Honestly, though, I did not expect much from my request and these days that is the norm. Once I send out the request I usually forget about it right away, especially if it is prior to sleep because for some reason I fall asleep immediately after. lol The only reason I even remember I made the request this morning is that a dream triggered my memory.
Dream: Job Termination
I was in dark, factory-like setting that was hard to make out. The colors are what stands out – various shades of gray brick and black shadows. There is a feeling of being on the balcony of a large building, though, similar to a warehouse, looking out over a city. I was with another person whose appearance and gender I cannot recall. I don’t remember when I was told but I received notice of my termination of employment as a teacher. My feeling was of shock at first especially as I heard that I would receive payment for a time after my job ended, the amount was $11/hour I believe.
The part that is most memorable is my question. I was asking about the other employees, would they also be receiving notice soon? I was told that they would but it would not be in advance like mine. They would be told of their termination on their last day and be asked to leave. Some may get a few days advanced notice but most would not. In my mind I saw these employees. They looked like security officers. I got upset and became concerned with their well-being, questioning why they would be treated so. I remember a male voice telling me, “Be grateful you are getting advanced notice.”
I recall standing there for a while letting the information sink in. It felt a bit overwhelming for some reason and I began to become lucid as I realized what was being discussed. I began to sob and woke up.
When I awoke my first thought was memory of my request prior to bed. The emotion I felt stemmed from a feeling of uncertainty and endings. Was this my answer? Was I being told that I would be leaving my “current position”? If so, then what does that even mean? I don’t even have a job right now other than stay-at-home-mom. Does it mean I lose that job? Or is it something more….like am I being removed from the position I have in this lifetime? And severance pay? Huh? Pay = reward for hard work and this pay is $11. There’s that number again.
Trying not to think about it too much, I drifted back to sleep.
Dream: Haunting Myself
I was lying in bed and woke suddenly. To my left I saw a swivel chair. The chair began to spin very fast. It got faster and faster to the point that it looked like a blur. In seeing the chair spinning I became terrified and started screaming, “No! No!” To my right I sensed the energy of several people but I could not see them. They began to close in around me and my panic increased. I heard someone say, “You are doing this. It is all you.” The voice did not make me feel any better but a part of me knew that there was nothing to fear. I ignored that part, though, choosing instead to resist.
It felt like the people around me were coming to take me away. There was no negative energy coming from them or the spinning chair but I felt wild with panic for some reason. I began to speak in another language trying to ward them off. It was like an incantation or something that was said to keep out negative entities. It didn’t work, though. The chair kept spinning wildly and the invisible presences came closer and closer. I was surrounded and my last memory is of the energies looking blurry white and me freaking out to the point that I woke up, heart racing and scared to move.
Even after I awoke I felt still to be in the dream. The room was spinning a bit and my heart was racing still. I laid there frozen for a while waiting for my heart to slow down and for my fear to abate. I remember perceiving my physical bedroom as the one in the dream and so it took a while to get my bearings and see it accurately. I wondered briefly why I would have such a nightmare. I don’t have nightmares, or at least haven’t in a very long time. As I type this I suspect I was trying to wake up in my dream and since I didn’t listen and chose to be afraid I muddled the attempt.
Other Dreams
The rest of the early morning (I first woke at 4am) is a mixture of dreams and in-between moments as I tossed and turned trying to recover lost sleep.
In one dream I recall being a man and fiddling with my penis (lol) which felt very real and so was fascinating to me being I am a woman in this lifetime. Funny thing is, I have had other similar dreams in the past and always love the experience. I suspect it represents my masculine side in some way. Dream symbolism suggests it means power and sexual energy.
In another dream I saw a large egg that had hatched. Next to it was a full-grown dragon (strong-will and fiery personality) but I only saw it’s head. It was dead, though. The dragon head was dark gray with bright yellow-orange highlights and was very beautiful. I felt sadness over it’s demise.
Then there are shadows of memories of talking to someone about making plans. I remember thinking that all the plans that were in the works would not matter. It felt like I needed to prepare for a trip, to tie up loose ends. There is also vague memory of switching places with someone but it is very hard to remember and the more I try, the more the memory recedes into my subconscious.
There was an entire vision-dream of my husband telling me about some property. It felt like my mom’s but I am unsure. The feeling was that he had gone his own way and was asking my permission to continue with his plans for the property. As he told me these things it felt like a wall of invisible energy was constructed between us. He was on one side and unreachable. He was standing in my mom’s living room and behind him I could see scenes flashing, like from a movie reel. There was a feeling of time passing, moving forward very fast. The feeling I had when receiving this information was grief and not having control over what was going on because I would not be present on his side of the invisible wall between us.
Finally, as I woke, a piece of the dream about losing my job came suddenly to my memory. There was a calendar and on it two days were circled. The first was a bright red 2 and the second date was a bright red 8. The 2 looked to be toward the end of the week, like a Friday. The 8 looked to be earlier in the week like a Wednesday. I knew this was the “termination period”. Turns out November 2nd is a Thursday and November 8th is a Wednesday, just like what I saw on the calendar in my dream.
Considerations
I feel normal this morning except for feeling a bit tired still. My immediate feeling is that the dreams and visions I had were to prepare me for something to come. Perhaps there is something going on between November 2-8th that is significant for me (maybe others as well)? One of the things that crossed my mind during one of my brief waking moments between dreams/visions was that I was about to “die”. Again, this is likely just the death of some aspect but who knows. I am ready for this “death” regardless of the kind that it turns out to be, so I am not at all concerned about it.
The fear dream is a total surprise to me. I have no idea why I had that dream nor do I know why I was so afraid. Perhaps the people coming to “get me” reminded me of some past life and so I acted on the memory? It did feel like I was about to be “taken” and from a place where I felt safe (my bedroom). Symbolically this could indicate that something is about to happen in my life that takes me from my comfort zone against my will, but who knows.
Regardless, I am thinking it may be best to stop asking for clarification. lol
P.S. You may be wondering why I am posting more. I created a poll on my FB page asking people to tell me their blog preference – WP or Blogger. WP won so I am trying to slowly transition back to WP.
Since my post on my last Kundalini experience I have been emotional again. It’s not all the time and mostly I have no clue from where the emotion originates. There was a bout of emotion prior to the Kundalini dream but it was nothing compared to the emotion since. I assume this crying is the result of clearing blockages, maybe in my “forest green” heart chakra, but I am long past caring now.
As has been the usual, the emotion usually hits me when I am alone. Sometimes there are thoughts that precede it but lately there has been nothing to indicate the source. In fact, one time, after a nice cry, when I attempted to figure out the “why” I actually gave up almost immediately. My thoughts were, “Maybe there is no ‘why’? Maybe it just ‘is’ and none of it is mine. None of it.”
I use to think that in acknowledging the pain/emotion that it would lead to a full release of it. This has proved inaccurate in every way and has only complicated the process by tangling up my Ego in it. This isn’t Ego. That isn’t the source and it is obvious. This isn’t from something that has been done to me or that I have done to another. This isn’t a result. It is a process, a clearing, a moving along the correct path of the energy of Me. My trying to identify with the emotion that is coming up is not going to help nor speed up this process. The emotion is a side-effect and that is all. It is the direct result of imbalance in this system, this physical and energetic body being out of alignment and working hard to get back in balance.
Lately I have been having what I can only call “memories” that liken this experience to a class assignment that I am not enjoying completing for various reasons. It comes with a feeling of “I’m almost done” and an encouragement from within that says, “Don’t give up now. You’re almost there.” The sensation with these “memories” is of being in an alternate reality, like the assignment consists of stepping into this reality for a moment, learning and the stepping back to reassess. It is so real that it often makes this entire physical reality feel like a dream and the other one feel like the real deal. You can imagine how discombobulated it makes me feel. Thankfully I am usually at home and relaxed and so do not end up freaking out from it. It just IS and I accept it.
It is no coincidence that these reality checks came about while I was watching various television series that seemed aligned with my experience in some way. For example, I watched all of Westworldfollowed by a movie called Otherlife. I watched Awake (really good btw) in amidst the above two and most recently a movie called Never Let Me Go. I am now into season 2 of Stranger Things. All of these movies/series I highly recommend. Can’t wait for the next season of The OA to come out! Just so happens The OA and Awake feature the same actor. 🙂
I was brought to tears in all but the last one for different reasons but usually the emotion was not at all linked to what I was watching. If you have seen any of the above movies/series then you may see a pattern. They all have to do with living in or being aware of two realities at the same time and the struggles therein. This theme parallels one of my own life themes: how to function within one reality while simultaneously being aware of and drawn to another reality others do not acknowledge or believe exists.
I have come to identify the source of my emotional upheaval as homesickness/heartsickness that comes with Memory of this other reality. This is the only thing that feels right. I miss that other reality and the fullness of Self that exists only there (or seems to anyway).
Another interesting realization I had recently is that during the periods when I am having these bouts of emotion my mundane life seems to explode in activity. This busyness is a great distraction and seems to shift me into my “other” self so well that I feel almost normal and the memory of home so far distant that it seems like the dream. I go for what seems like months of normality only to be thrust against my will back into memory. It really is only a week or two, sometimes days that pass before this happens yet it feels like months. Timeline blips? Who knows.
Dreams
Then there are the dreams. So weird. Last night I had quite a few indicating just how homesick I am.
In one dream I was with an older man who reminded me of my friend David. He and I were discussing something and then standing outside a very old looking mansion reminiscent of an old castle or manor. There was a large sign atop it that said, “PROGRESS” and then below the sign it said, “Home for Women and Mothers.” When I saw it I wrote it down and repeated it word-for-word several times. Then I woke up almost immediately the words still going through my head while seeing the number “9” and knew it was a message that progress is being made.
In yet another dream I was standing in a check-out line at a grocery store. People kept cutting in front of me because they had special reason. For example, one man cut in front of me because he had a receipt in his hand. He told me, “If you place your order ahead of time you get to go first in line.” I was not pleased and felt very impatient. Then the entire store went dark and the check-out ladies told us it was a mandatory 30 second break. The conveyor belts stopped and all movement ceased. I stood there even more impatiently and complained that I would never get out of there. The dream ended with the lights coming on but no one moving or making progress.
When I woke up I shifted into the in-between. I saw the conveyor belt full of groceries. Someone came and cleared it off and placed a piece of paper in front of me. It said, “Removal Order.” I knew it was a message that my removal order had been placed. This woke me up.
In another dream I was inside a bathroom printing off a worksheet. I recall printing two and then on the third try the worksheet printed wrong. It printed on the back of the two other worksheets a large symbol that was very beautiful. I remember then standing in the bathroom and staring at the wall. I visualized my other half coming toward me and kissing me on the cheek. I became very homesick and sad.
Similarly, in yet another dream I was in a living room feeling exhausted and unmotivated. I laid down on a sofa and completely surrendered myself to a man who was with me. He sat down next to me and caressed my hair. I felt such love and friendship from him but instead of it making me happy it made me cry.
When I woke for the final time this morning my eyes were wet from crying. I told my guide that it wasn’t fair and asked why I would be allowed to Remember so much, to Remember what I left behind to be here? All that has resulted is this sadness that never goes away and now I can never go back to how it was before. The Memory is my curse. I am tired of pretending, tired of play acting, tired of this assignment.
Dream: Driving a Bus
Various Other Dreams
he Moon: That which has been invisible or secret is coming to the surface.This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances. This is a time when you need to go deep into your soul and dredge up your anxieties, fears, psychic blocks and personality disturbances.The card itself reminded me of your new puppy. Especially since the card has two dogs and a Full Moon in the background (Notice that its a Full Moon today). I think it signifies something that needs to be uncovered within your psyche over your former dog, Trooper. Or maybe something even deeper that is bothering you. 
He also drew some advice cards for me. The one that stood out to me was the Spiritual Partnership card.
Dreams
Living Life in Between 