Tag Archives: dreams

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My Asian Form

Interesting experience last night. I suspect it has to do with what my guides asked me a couple of nights ago, “Do you want to see yourself?”

Dream: Asian Woman

I don’t remember most of my dreams last night. However, at one point I became lucid in the midst of a dream. I did not take over control of the dream but instead continued to allow it to continue without interruption which is why I did not classify it as lucid.

I saw a woman. I can’t remember if it was in the mirror or if I was seeing her as myself from the point of the observer. Whatever it was, I recognized her as myself and said aloud, “Oh yeah! I keep forgetting that I look this way.” The woman I saw was in all ways different from how I look now. She was very obviously Asian, petite, and somewhat plain but pretty nonetheless. Her cheekbones were extremely flat and her eyes, though slanted, were wide enough to not seem squinty.

I inspected her face for a long time, especially her eyes. It is times like these I wish I could draw human faces because if I could I would draw hers. I spent a long time Googling images and could not find a face that was similar enough.

While looking at her, I remembered being her, that I was/am her. There was a feeling of memory loss when I looked at her, like the dream stopped and I would shift into her and her lifetime. The shift was very disorienting and felt similar to how I feel when I enter a portal while OOB. The energy would intensify and I would feel to dematerialize. Then I would recognize what was happening and shift back. The shifts resulted in amnesia of my current life and the dreamstate.

The memories of this woman, this version of me, came only as her personality. Meek, modest, subordinate, passive and permissive, she did not question male authority and focused on her function within the family unit. She didn’t resent this role nor question it. Her focus was very much inward and introspective but she was also very loyal and took her feminine role very seriously. She had much wisdom and humility. The feeling from her was that she had made peace with herself, life, and humanity, and had managed to achieve what I have not. I had nothing but respect for her.

There were flashes of memory amidst all of this but they make no sense to me now. It is like they were erased so that only the memory of the disassociation with my present lifetime and the visual of her face remain.

There is no doubt in my mind that this woman was/is me. In fact, the realization that hit me while in the dream was that my preferred appearance while in Spirit was this form. There is recognition now that I choose to appear as her because of what I achieved in that lifetime. I also knew she was of Mongolian heritage.

The most memorable part of her was her eyes. I was fixated upon them, staring deeply into them. I saw they were almost black, they were so dark, and the whites of the eyes had snowflake-like black shapes spreading outward from the iris toward the edge of the eye. Both sides had these snow-flake shapes. They sparkled like they were made of gemstones or crystals. I am not sure what they mean but they were distinct and fascinating to me. When I saw them I felt like this woman – I – was timeless.

Considerations

I find this experience very interesting, mostly because never would I have thought that while I am out and about in the astral or between lives that I would choose such a form. I assumed always that I would be similar to how I look now – blonde, blue eyes. Yet, when I saw this woman I recognized her as me and Remembered that is how I look when not in a body (most of the time anyway). My guidance was close when I woke up and I asked them, “Is that what I look like?” I heard back, “We take many forms.” But I also got confirmation.

I have read that when we are no longer in human form that we often choose to appear as we did in a favorite lifetime. It could be that we learned a great deal in that lifetime or that we were happiest or even that we failed miserably in it. Whatever it is, we all have our favorites and so tend to wear that form to remind ourselves of our accomplishments and how far we have come. I am certain that this woman is not the only form I take, but the memory of the lifetime I spent as her says enough in itself to inform me of why I choose to look like her. There are many of her traits that I wish I could transfer to this lifetime. Most of them, actually. lol

There is a lifetime I once recalled only the briefest moments of. I was an Asian female but I can’t recall the exact dates of that lifetime now. The memory is of practicing playing the cello for hours upon hours to the point that my fingers would bleed. My father would insist I practice and make me practice until it was perfect, even if my fingers were bleeding and swollen. The main memory was of being forced to play, blood pouring from my fingertips in excruciating pain. Though I had enjoyed playing the cello, all enjoyment of music was extinguished by the brutality imposed upon me by my own father. That lifetime is likely not the same lifetime, but I don’t honestly know.

Finally, there has been an Asian link throughout my spiritual journey in this lifetime. Steven, my spiritual counterpart (etheric twin), told me that his last lifetime on Earth was lived in Mongolia during the time of Genghis Khan. Whenever I see him in astral or dreams he is Asian. Sometimes he is the typical Mongolian Asian with a very flat face, and other times he takes other Asian forms such as Indian, Chinese and Japanese.

 

 

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Dream: Standing Rock

Prior to the string of OBEs I had this morning, I had several very intense and emotional dreams.

Dream: Standing Rock

The main part of this dream was inside a huge mansion that was being built by the wife of a billionaire. She had bought the land and constructed a stone wall all the way up the mile or more long driveway. On the top of the hill was the mansion. It was nearly finished and she was inside preparing for bed. I remember shifting into her in the dream and looking out the window. It was dark outside but she/I saw movement and became alarmed. I went outside to investigate and saw several children running away dressed in Indian costumes and holding toy bow-and-arrows.

I yelled, “Get off my property!” I had my own bow-and-arrow for some reason and was shooting it at them but it was bouncing off because it was not a real one. The kids ran and an adult or two appeared from behind large boulders. They were also dressed as Indians. They said, “This is not your property. It is ours.” I didn’t understand.

Then I was outside the woman’s body looking at her through their eyes. They saw a woman caught up in material things, completely blind to the world around her. They pointed out her jewelry to me and I said, “Everything on her is worth thousands, maybe more.” I recognized how many people could live comfortably off of just what she wore on her body. They said to me, “There are hundreds more like her.” I felt pity for her and them, as did they. There was great sadness.

They then took me to the outer limits of the property. There were bulldozers and lots of moved earth. The natural beauty destroyed to make way for the mansion. We stopped atop a hill. There was a natural stone arch and we stood beneath it looking down at the valley below. I could see a dark pool of water and wondered about it. It looked completely black.

Then I was above the pool and realized it was not black at all but that its bottom was covered completely in obsidian! It was the most beautiful pool of water I had ever seen and I had to go down to it.

obsidianThere were two small ceremonial fires near the water’s edge, smoke billowing out. I knelt down by one and put my hand into the crystal clear water. It felt sacred. As I began to enter the water I was filled with overwhelming amounts of emotion and began to cry in heaving sobs. The obsidian was brought to my attention and very soon after I heard very clearly, “Standing Rock”. I was crying so hard my heart was hurting and I couldn’t breathe. I heard, “Be the buffalo.” I woke up.

I continued to cry upon waking. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t understand the emotion – what was I feeling? Was it pain? Was it sorrow? Was it love? Was it all of those things and more?

Honestly, these outpourings of emotions are so powerful and my heart so affected that I feel beside myself with concern. This time I felt a near compulsion to up and leave my entire life/family behind. To just go. Where? I have no idea. My personal problems seemed so insignificant. I felt like a tiny speck on the face of this planet, incapable of creating the change needed to make this place what it could be – should be.

I have not felt a compulsion such as this except when I was hit with the heart connection with my counterpart that knocked me on my butt and then made me want to up and leave everything to go to him. To feel such a draw to leave again out of blue because of the state of the world is a completely new experience for me. I wanted desperately to help. To DO something about it. Nothing else mattered. Nothing.

The emotion here is beyond words. My heart is still burning in my chest. The feelings seem to be a mixture of love for this planet, injustices done to millions for the sake of profit and power, sorrow at the destruction of the planet and guilt for ignoring it. It seems like I received a taste of what our friends in Spirit (ETs or Earth’s caretakers) feel all the time coming from this planet. It is excruciating. How could anyone ignore it? How could I?

big_thumb_6a111efaec242d6f9514afdbbab65dc5Dream: Recruit

It was 3am and I spent a good hour asking my guidance, “What is happening to me!?” Because honestly this is utterly confusing! All of it hitting me in the heart. What do I do with it!? How do I get it to stop!? I have not felt this much confusion since my heart connection was initiated. I feel like I am being called, no PUSHED, into action. It’s like my Team is saying, “Take a real good look at why you came here.”

I attempted sleep but asked for something good to happen. I told my Team, “Please. No more agonizing tears and heart intensity. I just can’t take it!”

They didn’t listen.

I found myself dropped into the middle of a military operation with hundreds of other recruits. I was new and did not know what I was doing. They were doing a morning stretch – calisthenics and yoga. All the recruits were women. The one in charge said to the group, “The new recruits from out of state have just arrived.” Was that me?

Then I was transferred to another part of the facility. I was to be a part of a team. I realized they were trying to find a place for me and figured I would do better as part of the cheerleading squad. I outright rejected this. When I did the warm-up with this group I gave up. They were doing advanced yoga poses there was no way I could do.

As I left this new facility it began to rain and I got out an umbrella and walked toward another building. The storm intensified. High winds began to pick up my umbrella and pull me into the air. I was carried about ten feet and then dropped. Others were being tossed about, too. I was able to make it into the doorway. When I opened the door, a boy was reaching toward me. He asked me, “Are you blind?” I didn’t know why he asked that and ignored him. Then I saw that he was feeling around and that his eyes were white. I realized he was blind and wanted me to help him down the stairs. I took his hand and did just that but it seemed that he was me. That I was the blind one. I also had a single Hershey’s kiss with almonds in my hand. I remember thinking that peculiar.

Then I was inside with a bunch of others who were standing about in shock about the storm. One woman who was dressed very nicely, had her hair done up and was wearing expensive jewelry, was upset. I asked her why and she said, “I was separated from my partner.” I reached out to hug her, saying “I was separated from my partner, too.” She put her hand out, rejecting my sympathy. She said, “I guess a century apart has hardened me.” I felt bad for her, completely understanding her situation. I leaned in to hug her again and this time she let me saying, “Not completely hardened I guess.” She hugged me back tightly and I could feel her very physically accepting my love and support. With that, I began to sob uncontrollably, a gut-wrenching, painful welling-up of emotion coming from my heart and all my lower chakras.

When I awoke I was again beside myself with concern. Two times in one night!? And what is up with the woman being apart from her partner for a whole century!? Where was I? Am I really a recruit of some sort being prepared for something, a battle? A confrontation? A mission?

My guidance is of NO help whatsoever. All they say is, “Listen to your heart.” But my heart in such a twisted knot and hurts so much that to listen to it is agonizing. They did send me a familiar song phrase over and over, “I’ll never be the same…” What the hell did I sign up for in this life?

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dream: Weight of the World

This week has been riddled nightly with vivid and intensely emotional dreams. My days are “normal” with a bit of a numb feeling. But at night it’s like I am being hit from all sides. This one was from this morning. From what I can gather, there is some major clearing going on that goes beyond my individual clearing.

Dream: Weight of the World

Felt to be on a vessel of some sort. I was transferred to another one.

Then I was in a house with a group of people. We were putting up food. Lettuce was being put away. My food was open. I asked another person if they wanted some of my peas telling them I would pack them frozen and when they thawed they were perfect for eating. Then I went to the fridge and got out eggs. One split in half. It was frozen.

The others in the house were preparing to leave. 6 of us would stay. I remember discussing how we would live together in a sustainable community. We talked about solar power and I perked up, discussing how if we disconnected from the power grid when it failed we would be able to maintain our power as a group.

The scene shifted and I was floating along a road. I took a road and saw it went parallel to the main one. There was trash and beer cans indicating a party had been there the night before. I stopped at a church and ran into two women. One women was huffy and angry. She asked about a woman and a man. I told her they were in the hospital. I saw the woman in my mind sitting by the bed of a very sick man. He looked almost like someone with AIDS. There was such love between the two of them and I felt every bit of it. I mentioned to her that he was still sick and she said, “Then there is no point in picking her up, then.” She got very angry and walked away. The other woman talked to me for a bit about the woman having great potential, talking about how she was as a child and mentioning how good she would have been as an actress.

I turned and saw groups of people walking through the church. They looked to be in a parade. The main group I watched was all dressed in light blue scrubs, like they were all nurses. They were singing, “I’ve got guns in my head and they won’t go…..” When I saw them I filled with huge amounts of grief. It welled up from within, splitting my heart in two with such pain I could not breathe. They continued to sing, “I’ll be a dreamer ’til the day I die…” and the grief became super intense. I began to sob uncontrollably, the pain was so much that I didn’t know if I would survive it. As I began to gain consciousness I heard, “Autism” and I felt huge amounts of sorrow for everyone in the world who was struggling and feeling trapped in the human condition.

I woke in heaving sobs, my heart hurting so badly I did not know what to do about it. I couldn’t breathe for the crying and my throat felt like it would explode. It seemed like I was purging the heaviness of the world – all of the sorrow, grief, despair and pain of millions upon millions of people. I told my guidance the pain would surely kill me.

I went into the in-between and heard, “Be a manager. We will help you.”

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Picture of my butterfly friend.

Butterfly Friend

As I have been able to do since this onslaught began, I easily adjusted and went about my day as if all was “normal”. This afternoon, near the front of my car, I saw at my feet a small butterfly on the ground. He was very obviously struggling so I reached down and offered him my finger. He grabbed on and I carried him into my car. He traveled with me all the way home, slowly recovering from the colder temperatures that came in today. I took him inside, hoping he would completely recover but knowing I could not let him go and that ultimately he would die.

My youngest was fascinated with him and fiercely protected him from my other two children, shielding him with his entire body to make sure no one touched him or hurt him. Unfortunately, the poor butterfly died despite all his protection. He was just too weak.

The butterfly I found was a Buckeye Butterfly. Such a magnificent creature. So fragile and beautiful. Unfortunately, I am not sure his message is a positive one. Ending of a cycle perhaps? Or maybe something else.

I feel exhausted today. It is like all my inner strength has been sucked away. I would like a reprieve from this crazy emotional purging.

 

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Dreams

It’s been a very active week for dreams. Most are from one night and I awoke feeling very positive. The last one is from this morning and I woke feeling very pessimistic, probably because I woke up like every 2 hours throughout the night and didn’t sleep very well.

Dream 11-8-16: Preparing for Dinner 

I was with my family (soul family) at a beautiful retreat with rolling hills and a crystal clear creek running through the middle. We were preparing to meet for dinner. I recall that part of this preparation was to clean the grounds, meaning get any debris cleared away. I was scanning the area and saw a clump of leaves caught up in a bush. I cleared them away. There was quite a bit of time spent at this point looking for leaves.

Then, I went toward the main house which I never saw in the dream. I remember walking through the crystal clear, cool water. It was up to my waist and quite refreshing and enjoyable. There was interaction with others at this time but I cannot recall anyone except my dog Trooper, who was jumping and frolicking in the water and running up and down the hill barking. I remember shooing him away a few times because he was doing what he did as a puppy and nipping at my ankles. At one point he swam in the water with me. He loved to swim.

The next thing I knew I was inside the house with a few others. The main one I remember interacting with was a woman who I thought of as a mother figure. There was also a man who stood behind me the whole time I was there. The woman showed me a tray with five Cornish game hens all prepped for cooking. In recalling how they looked, they were super tiny and already appeared cooked. I remember doing the math and reminding her that she was short one, referring to my child. She told me that he could share with me. As she put them into the oven I saw the time was 2pm and asked her how long it would take to cook them. She said, “Just about an hour.” I realized this meant they would be done at 3pm and way too early. I said, “But then they will be ready too soon. Dinner is at 5.” She didn’t seem to care, though.

When I woke up from this dream it was 4am and I felt rested and wide awake. I actually felt very calm and happy.

Dream 11-8-16: Fishing Down Under 

I traveled to an island which we referred to as “Australia” but I recognized right away that it was symbolic of the subconscious mind. Me and two companions, a man and woman, traveled out on the ocean in a very small, fragile boat. The man and woman had fishing rods and were casting their lines into the ocean. I watched and did not fish. There was fear here of accidentally catching something too big and then not knowing how to handle that without sinking the boat.

The woman’s line went taunt and I grabbed it to help guide in the fish. I saw beneath the ocean the silhouette of a killer whale and held my breath. How was she going to get him on the tiny boat? We would surely sink!

Then the man was helping me guide the huge whale onto the beach. We must have successfully reeled it in. The woman was gone. The killer whale did not look like a killer whale, though. Instead he was brown and it appeared as if his lungs had been pulled from the inside out to where his face would have been. It was grotesque. We decided to throw it back before it died. My main feeling here was, “Now that we’ve got it, what do we do with it??”

Dream 11-8-16: Our Song 

I spent the entirety of this dream with a dark haired man who I was very in love with. I never left his side. We stayed close and enjoyed one another’s company like two love birds. There was a special song I was singing to him throughout the dream. I can’t remember it now, but in the dream I was playing a game with him using the song. The game was that when I sang the song we got to show each other how much we loved each other. The main issue here was that when I would sing the song and we would get close, my daughter would interrupt and we would have to stop. It wasn’t annoying and we laughed about it, but it happened throughout the dream more times than I could count. We never got to show each other how much we loved each other because of her interruptions.

Dream 11-9-16: Match

I was invited to participate in a match game. Similar to the Bachelor except that both men and women were choosing partners. When I got there people were already paired off and I had no one. This didn’t bother me much. I talked with some of the people, a woman especially who had paired with a man. Both of them were much larger/fatter than I was and had dark hair. I had no one there and so just made the best of it. I remember telling the woman that I was just going to focus on being healthy and start back on my diet to lose some weight.

Then we were all asked to clock in. We were given tickets we had to punch and stood in line. I punched my ticket and then it ripped. I was told I would have to punch my card again but I never did.

As we were leaving we all went our separate ways. I began to head one way saying where I was from and a man said, “Then you need to go that way.” I said, “Oh, okay” and went in the direction he was pointing. I walked down the street and noticed someone was following me. It was a dark hair man. He had two small dolls in his hands. One was female and the other male. The male doll was all blue and muscular and looked like an action figure. I remember wondering why the man was following me and not being sure I wanted him to and was a bit annoyed. The man dropped the dolls on accident and picked them up. For some reason I kept thinking they had no heads but when I looked, they did.

 

 

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Welcome to the Jungle

This song came to mind yesterday morning. The only words I heard were, “Welcome to the jungle.” I immediately played the song to see why I was getting the message. As I listened, I knew it meant that a decision had been made regarding the job I interviewed for the day before. Jungle = back to work, back to the 3D grind. I knew I got the job.

I let it slip my mind and went about my day. At 5pm I got the phone call. My daughter had asked me the day of the interview if I was going to take the job. I told her that I would know when they offered it to me because the answer would just come out of my mouth and there would be no hesitation or feeling of dread. This is in fact what happened.  When the woman said, “We would love it if you would come work with us”, I replied, “I would love to!” And you know what? I actually felt excited. Good sign! Yay!

The excitement remains with intermittent moments of concern at the idea of having to get up early and come home late every day. I am so spoiled now with my routine of wake up whenever and do whatever I want all day long. Yet my guidance and heart tell me this is what I need to do for now. I need to get back into the work routine. I need an outlet for my creativity. I need to be productive and contribute to the world via direct interactions with those who need me the most – the children.

When I follow my guidance and heart, things line up like dominoes for me. It was within a week of knowing I needed to take this step that this first domino was presented. I had not even applied for this position but someone at HR thought I would be a good fit. When it was offered I immediately knew that even though it is a temporary, full-time position that it would lead to a permanent one if I took it. I also knew that if I wanted it, it was mine. When I got to the interview and met the two women who interviewed me, I knew again that the job was mine. My answers just flowed out. I had not prepared nor even thought about what I would say, yet with each question the right answer emerged. There was even one time I responded and what came out of my mouth surprised me because I had no idea why I answered the way I did. Then later, one of the ladies gave me information that confirmed what I had said was correct.

This is the domino effect in a nutshell. I’ve seen it happen enough times now to know that it is no accident. Now it is just a matter of letting the dominoes fall and lead me to my destination. To question the path or try to look too far ahead does me no good. I must trust that I am being led in the right direction and thankfully my past experience shows my trust will be rewarded.

My guidance reassures me that this path is “clear”. I was shown it in a dream last night. It appeared as a brilliant white, spotless, paved path. It veered to my right and I could see a good distance down it. There was another path, to the left. It was also white but my attention was directed to the path on the right and I heard distinctly, “The path has been cleared.” I also received “Uranus” as part of the message, saying the planet is directly influencing this part of my journey.

Though I awoke feeling a big apprehensive about the future because of the heavy change ahead, my guidance continues to reassure me, asking me to be optimistic and Remember who I am.

Since I begin work sometime mid-week next week, I will not have much time to blog. The hours I will be working are 7:15am – 3:45pm with a 20 minute commute one-way. This makes for a long work day and an early morning (ouch!). However, I will have the typical school holidays – one week for Thanksgiving and two weeks for Christmas – which will be nice.

Note: I already have a contract position and turned down an assignment that would have started November 1st. It did not feel right to me at the time. I am still technically employed by this employer and could received a contract at any time, but have the option to turn them down. The job I just accepted runs until the end of January.

 

 

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Totem Visit and Dream

My primary totem animal made a surprise visit last night. My totem is the owl, specifically the Great Horned Owl, but any owl can bring me a message. Last night, after a particularly upsetting conversation with my husband, I was trying to settle into my heart but struggling because the doubt-monger-monster (lol) came to visit me and he was particularly difficult to conquer.

Anyway, my guidance was close and reminding me to focus on what I wanted and to Remember who I am and why I am here. As I began to calm down and reestablish connection with my heart, I heard a very loud hooting outside my window. It was incredibly loud, as if the owl was sitting on a branch right outside my window. I listened for about 5 minutes as two owls had a conversation, or maybe a “hoot-off” would be a better description (lol). They almost seemed to be arguing with one another and I got quite a kick out of it. After a while the hooting stopped as suddenly as it started.

I was surprised to have heard an owl so close. We live in the suburbs of Austin so wildlife is not very close by, though we do get visits by red tailed hawks, opossums and other critters. I think think this is only the second time in almost 3 years that I have had an encounter with an owl. I wish now I had taken a peek outside my window, but likely I wouldn’t have seen him since it was so dark.

These owls came to confirm the message just received by my guidance. They are telling me it is very important to Trust right now and to stay heart centered.

This encounter reminds me of yet another encounter I had completely forgotten about. On Saturday, while visiting my mom and after seeing the moth and butterfly, I witnessed two red tailed hawks in the sky. They appeared almost to be dancing with one another. I watched them for a good 10 minutes diving down very low and then soaring way up high in the sky. They called to each other as they did this. I felt blessed to have witnessed such an extraordinary event.

Dream: Mermaid Queen

I had a very curious dream this morning in which I was with a group of friends on a different planet. I believe it was a lesson/class in which we were discussing the history of this place. I recall seeing quite a bit of gold, gold in the atmosphere and gold in the buildings. We stood next to statues of the great rulers of this place and specifically focused on a Mermaid Queen as we stood beneath a towering, gold statue of a woman holding a staff in her hand. She did indeed have the tail of a fish. I remember mentioning my disbelief that such a woman ever existed. “This is all a myth. It can’t be real” I remember saying. The other rulers were also unbelievable to me. I recall now only that they reminded me of Greek and Roman mythology in their grandness and appearance.

As I shifted scenes in the dream I would seem to enter or become a sparkle of golden lights. It was as if we all dematerialized and then materialized into another scene. Each time I was acutely aware of the light we entered and understood that it was me.

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Dream: Lock Down

I was being led to a room where I was to stay. It resembled a complete apartment, yet it was specifically referred to in the dream as “hotel“.

When inside I immediately began to lock all the windows and doors. It was as if I was trying to protect myself from something, like I was going into lock down. The entire apartment was very clean and white with a yellowish hue in certain areas. I felt safe there.

I prepared to take a shower, gathering up my supplies to include a very large, white towel. As I went to close the door to the bathroom I heard someone talking. I went to investigate and there, sitting on a recliner and dressed from head to toe in white, was a very obese man talking on his cell phone. He was so large that he was too big for the chair, his body seeming to flood over the sides.

I was angry that he was in my space and yelled at him to get off the phone and get out. He looked at me, waved me away, and kept talking on the phone. The feeling from him was of amusement and I felt he was mocking me. I got angry, yelled again for him to “get out!” but he just turned, put his hand over the phone, and said, “I will only be a minute. This is important.” lol

Eventually I gave up and decided that I would just shut him in the room he was in and take my shower. I remember being a bit uncomfortable with being naked and exposed in his presence, even if he was locked in the other room. He was still in MY space and that was uncomfortable for me, yet I was allowing of it. At the same time I was thinking about how lazy and generally sloth-like the man was. I was extremely critical of him and his “faults” and this is why I wanted him OUT of my space.

Reflection

It seems to me that I was dealing with doubt in the first dream, doubts about my own femininity or just doubts in general. There may have been an actual visit to another time/place as well but so much of the dream seemed to vanish upon waking that it is hard to know.

The second dream is quite funny to me. This is the second time I have seen an obese man seemingly mocking me in my dreams. I always get furious, too. Thankfully, seeing an overweight or obese person symbolizes prosperity. Perhaps I am afraid of prosperity; of being happy? This makes sense and explains why I would try and lock the man up in one room and felt exposed in his presence. It does appear that I am getting past this frame of mind and recognizing my tendency to be critical and hard on myself. Perhaps I am ready to accept that I can be happy?

Messages

My guidance had shrunk down to 6 which is the lowest it has been as in some time. What is going on? I was told, “Transition.” It was made known to me that anything is possible and to not limit myself with my beliefs or preconceived notions about what can or cannot be.

I was also reminded to Remember who I am, my purpose/mission, and to not get tangled up in the energies of the situation I find myself in. They said to me, “We have always been, and always will be.” With this there was a sense of greater purpose felt, but specifics were not identifiable.

 

 

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Preparation in Dreams: Time to Act

I slept 10 hours last night. This comes after a week of very light sleep averaging 6 hours a night. It appears I am shifting back to the deep, heavy, healing sleep of integration and preparation.

When I woke at 6am I felt sad and emotionally empty inside. It literally felt like someone came in with a spoon and scooped out everything inside. Hollow and echoing back at me the emptiness. I was extremely tired and the only thing I recall thinking was that I felt like I did during my Dark Night of the Soul.

Dream: Taking Tests

Surprisingly, I fell back to sleep. I entered into a dream where I was sitting at a student desk taking a test. All I saw wast he test in front of me. It was laid out like a typical test but I am not sure what the subject was. I suspect math because I remember writing down a decimal that never ended – something like .81258…… I just remember there were 8’s in it. It was the square root of a number but I don’t know what number. The number 33 was also prominent as was the Pi symbol.

I turned in the test thinking I didn’t care if I passed it or not. In my mind I was considering my grade and figured I would get a 75%, which was totally fine with me. This is surprising because in school nothing less than a 90% was acceptable. Perfectionist. Somewhere in college I got over this expectation and accepted B’s, but C’s would still upset me.

The teacher asked me if I finished the entire test and asked me to check my answers. I returned to my seat and flipped through my test. It was several pages long and I realized I had not completed the pages in the middle. So I turned it over and started from the beginning, noting there were reading passages throughout it. It didn’t look like a math test at all!

The first page was almost entirely instructions. At the very bottom was a fill-in-the-blank section without a word bank. I remember feeling discouraged here. No word bank? lol I decided to just guess and hope for the best. I remember writing in the word, “Balance”. This test felt like a science test at first but as I was reading through the questions it resembled a psychology test.

Dream: Adjusting Time

The dream shifted and I was inside a house with other people. The microwave clock was blinking and the time needed to be set. I went up to it and began to try and set the time but it was difficult and I kept having to start over. A man was there with me trying to help but I insisted on doing it myself, snapping at him to let me do it. I was very frustrated. The time I was trying to set the clock to was 3:44pm. Eventually I allowed the man to tell me how to set the clock and I was able to set the hour but then he took over and set the wrong time. It got set at 3:52. By this time I was apathetic about the whole thing and just accepted the time but I said to him, “Now the clock will be fast and everyone will be early.”

Dream:  Mental Hospital

The scene shifted and I was an officer of some kind.  A new person had just been brought in. It won’t say inmate here but that was the feeling. However, it appeared more like a mental hospital than a prison setting. The young woman had blonde hair and was dressed in a white hospital gown. She sat in front of me staring at the floor. My job was to help her. I had a very thick manual in front of me that I began to read through. The girl asked me a question about what would happen. I jokingly told her to expect a strip search and her face showed her horror. I reassured her there would be no such thing and instructed her to read her portion, an introduction of sorts describing what was wrong with her and why she was there. The manual was color coded and I was reading the green print but can’t remember what was written. I flipped through it and saw it was hundreds of pages long. The manual was a psychology manual for treatment of this woman’s specific condition.

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Dream: New Dog

Somehow the dream brought me to a scene in which I was watching a golden retriever dog and listening to a man talk about taking the dog for a walk. The feeling here was that the dog was young and had lots of energy so needed frequent walks. I was given a short leash that was red and looked like a hoop with a clasp on the end. I remembered my dog Trooper at this time and told the man that I would need a longer leash if this dog was anything like mine was. I saw my dog’s blue leash hanging on the wall and pointed to it, telling the man it would be much better. He gave me the leash and I attached it to the dog’s collar. The dog had two, thick silver chain links on his collar and I clasped Trooper’s leash to the last link. When I did this I was overcome with memories of my dog and the runs we went on. I knew this new dog was going to run as fast or faster than my dog did and to expect to be dragged behind him for the first part of the “walk”.

The memories of my dog were too much and I began to sob uncontrollably in the dream which woke me up immediately. When I woke up I could not stop crying. It was not over sadness or missing my dog, though, it was about the message behind the dream. It took me almost 15 minutes to recover.

Confronting the Inevitable 

It became very clear to me that I was not grieving my beloved pet at this time. There was a message that was being repeated over and over. The message came as an analogy to the situation which led to my dog’s death.

I was told a year in advance that my dog would be leaving me. I ignored the message or maybe just forgot it or lost track of time.

I was warned in advance that this was coming, too.

The signs that he was deteriorating were numerous and I chose to ignore them. A week prior to his death I had chosen to not take him to the vet. I was in denial and didn’t want the vet to confirm what I knew was happening. He was dying.

Similarly, the signs have been there that “death” is coming whether I want it to or not. Many times I could have done something about it and I didn’t.

The day of his death I was in a panic and unable to think. He was suffering and I didn’t want to do what had to be done. It was awful. I was alone and my husband refused to come help me. I had to do it on my own and I didn’t want to.

I don’t want to do this, either. I am unable to make a decision but only I can make this decision. No one will do it for me.

When the vet told me he was dying and asked if I wanted to euthanize him, I agreed but I could not be in the room when it happened. I broke down in tears in the vet’s office and was a mess after that. I have never grieved over anyone like I did that dog. 

I suspect when the time comes that I will not want to be present to witness the end.

So as I was dealing with a similar, heavy grief this morning the connection hit home. I am being asked to do something similar in my life. To stop avoiding what I know needs to be done. To look at the signs which are right in my face.

One of the biggest regrets I have about those last days of my dog’s life are of letting him suffer. I was too selfish to do what needed to be done, to end his misery. Instead, I prolonged it. That is what apparently I am doing to myself right now. Prolonging the misery by not taking action and doing what needs to be done.

I am left now with this sense of being utterly and unbearably alone. I feel like I am dead already. I feel like what awaits me is another Dark Night of the Soul. I can’t do that again. I won’t follow bread crumbs to a dead end again even if the bread crumbs are really cookie crumbs. The disappointment would be too much for me. I am TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!

And I really miss my dog Trooper right now.

Image source– Infinity, pi and square root all represent the continuous existence of thought.

 

 

 

 

 

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Camping Lessons and E.T. Dream Visitation

The full moon camping trip was a success despite not turning out exactly as I had planned. My entire family – husband and three kids – came along and made things very interesting. The different personalities combined to make things very chaotic at times. My daughter was especially dramatic, which isn’t new. I am not sure if it is a Taurus trait or not, but she has a hard time dealing with change of any kind.

Lessons learned:

Make a check-list beforehand. I packed everyone’s stuff into the car and forgot my own stuff -everything I needed for the ceremony, trip, etc. Thankfully the campsite was not far from our house.

Inflatable beds are a must-have.

Do NOT make your first meal after a three day, gluten-free, dairy-free, meat-free cleanse be hot dogs, beans and Fritos. Ha! BAD idea.

Dreams

I don’t know if it was the fact that I was sleeping in a tent or the energy of the full moon, or both, but I did not sleep very much. When I did sleep, I was awakened either by coyotes howling close by, dogs barking at the coyotes, or my middle son sleepwalking and jumping onto my air mattress. lol

When I did sleep I had really crazy dreams and messages from my guidance.

There was an entire dream sequence about my husband and an incident that never happened but in the dream I was convinced it had. In the dream he referenced a specific conversation we had in the past. He mentioned that he knew at that moment that I didn’t love him anymore. We had a long talk in the dream about this past conversation, his realizations and our relationship.

Then there was talk with my guidance about the talk I had with my husband in the dream. The message was clear that I needed to look more closely at my relationship. I had a very resistant feeling to what we were discussing.

As I was waking from this dream I saw a man-sized cockroach and said to my guides, “Really? Really? Please just let me sleep!”

In another dream I was with a group of people that resembled teenagers. They were all dressed in black and had piercings and tattoos. The females of the group, including me, were being prepared to be sent out for work. Plastic wrap was being inserted between the skin and the underwear. I inquired as to why this was and was told it was to protect the skin from contact. I remember thinking we were going to have sexual contact. I laughed about it but the other women were not laughing. Then there was focus on a couple who were always together. The sense was that they were pair bonded.

I was sent to an arena or stadium that was under construction and being rearranged. When I arrived I was told a step was missing and to be careful. I saw a huge hole where the step should have been and was told it was being turned into a walkway that would stretch right across the arena. I turned to see who it was who was telling me this and saw I was surrounded by E.T.s of a race I cannot identify because now in my memory their faces are a complete blur. All I recall is black and gray. I do remember they were wearing uniforms and there was a military feeling. My human mind wants to say they looked like they had on skeleton masks but I know that in reality they were not wearing masks. In the dream I was surprised at their appearance but was not afraid of them despite them being so close to me and completely surrounding me.

When I woke up from this dream it was suddenly and I felt strange. There was a feeling that I am being prepared to work with whoever it was in my dreams. My suspicion is that more E.T. contact is coming.

 

 

 

 

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Challenging Times Ahead

The whole house slept in longer this morning. I guess the energies are to blame. Even I slept through until 6 when I normally wake up around 5am. There is a geomagnetic storm currently raging.

I woke up crying again. This was a sad, mourning kind of crying but it was not related to anyone’s death. It was more like I felt sad for myself and this life. Like I was mourning the loss of me. My immediate thought was that I am going through a death process. Once again shedding a part of myself that needs to be let go of.

Dream: Total Withdrawal

The dream which initiated the crying was an odd one. I witnessed two individuals discussing my fate. One said to the other, “I think it is time she moves out.” In the dream, I perceived the conversation to be going on between members of my family, so my mom and my cousin. .

I did not argue with the decision and moved where I was told. I was taken to a mobile home situated outside my grandparent’s home. I remember being introduced to another tenant, a man who shifted into a woman after our meeting. There was a brief interaction where the Spanish word, “nombre” was brought up. Why we were speaking in Spanish I don’t know but the man/woman corrected me and assumed I only spoke Spanish. I let it be and left.

On my way to my new home, which was a silver, older model mobile home like one would find in a mobile home park, I thought about how “off” the energy of this place felt to me. It was unnerving and I just wanted to retreat and hide in my new home. I remember seeing there were two other mobile homes identical to mine. There was also a large house where my grandparent’s garage use to be.

I went into my new home and heard a noise like the wind. I noticed the windows above the bed were open. I closed and locked them. There was this music being played that was quite loud. It was like someone had left the radio on. I realized it was coming from the big house. It was like someone had it on a loud speaker and was projecting it.

I went outside and looked at the house because the noise was keeping me from sleeping. I saw a man being ushered into one of the other mobile homes. He was a short, slightly fat man. The mobile home he was going into was like mine. I remember thinking that it was far below my standards and very out of date, likely needing a lot of upkeep.

I had this apathetic feeling wash over me. Everything about this scene was wrong. The energy from the people, the place I was being forced to live, the radio noise, the strangeness of the scene. I decided right then and there I was not going to pay my rent. I remember thinking, “What will they do to me? Kick me out?” I decided to pay my utility bills and just retreat into my home and not come out until I was forced to. I didn’t want to get a job and be in this rat race anymore. What was the point?

When I woke up I was crying but not a lot. I just felt so sad and hopeless about this place I find myself in. I immediately saw the mobile home as this place (Earth). I said to my Companion, “This place is a prison.” He agreed and reminded me that I was here to get out of it. He then reminded me to think positive, to focus on those things which I wanted and to try and stay in my heart. He told me, “These are challenging times.”

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Dream: Holiday

I fell into another dream. In this one I was in a kitchen. It was very small, like the inside of an RV. There was a woman standing in front of the stove. She was cooking eggs. I recognized her as my cousin (not the same one from the previous dream). She said hi and went on with her cooking. The feeling here was that I was not going to get treated like a guest but more like a roommate. I joined her and picked up a pan to make eggs for myself. There was a cracked egg already in the pan but it had something in it, like debris or dirt. I commented on it and she suggested I just pick out the pieces, which I did.

My cousin told me she would be going on vacation soon. She said she was going to a week long spa retreat. I envied her. This conversation was going on while I was taking a shower. I remember wishing I could go with her. I thought about how well off my cousin was. They make over $200k a year and this gave her the freedom to do whatever she wanted whenever. I so wished that I could just go somewhere and be pampered for a full week, to leave behind my worries and responsibilities.

When I woke up from this dream I was again convinced that I wanted no part in this anymore. It is not that I don’t want to live but I no longer want to play the game that society has presented me with. There came with this a strong desire to drop all my possessions and just withdraw completely. There is also a feeling that I am not with the people or in the place I should be. That I should be moving about, like a gypsie. And finally a feeling that I should be with my spiritual family/soul group, specifically my counterpart.

 

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Dream: Symbol in the Sky

I am just documenting these dreams.

Dream: Memory Sifting

I was aware of the purpose of this dream when I awoke. It was merely me sifting through memories (sorting them).

I was sitting in a van with my husband who was in the driver’s seat. We had packed a cooler in the back and were heading somewhere together. He pulled up next to another van. One of my close friends was at the wheel. I saw her and said, “Let’s invite her and her kids!” My husband looked at me and said, “No, I don’t think so.” He pulled away and I looked out the window at my friend who had a curious look on her face.

As he drove, I was angry at him and told him, “I won’t go with you.” I crawled to the back, opened the cooler and began making a sandwich for myself. I knew he was taking me to “his people” and I didn’t want to associate with them.

Then I had a visual of a mobile home whose roof and walls had been blown away revealing only a sofa and a few pieces of furniture. I knew this represented my old high school friend’s dad who passed away long ago. For some reason I thought the house had been destroyed by fire but there was no evidence of it. In the dream I felt sorry for my friend but decided to put it aside since it was her life, not mine.

I materialized into another scene. This time I was inside a home with a bunch of women. It was a lactation group. There was an odd sensation then of my milk coming in (only a nursing mom would know the feeling) and I began to massage my breasts to help the milk come down. lol I was hit with all kinds of inadequacy feelings at this time – I’m not a good mother because I don’t want to breastfeed. I’m selfish. I let my children down. And on and on. I felt unfairly criticized by others for my opinions and choices. It seemed like the other mother’s in the group disapproved and I wanted to do what was right despite feeling utterly exhausted and unable.

Then I was looking down at a plate in front of me. It looked like it contained little wads of dough shaped like large peanuts. There were two labeled sections. One said, “Regular milk” and the other said, “Breast milk.” I looked at it and was a bit grossed out thinking I was looking at dried up milk pieces.

The women each had plates similar to mine. Some had these bits in both categories, some in only one or the other. They were sharing their plates with each other – eating pieces of this dried milk. I almost gagged in the dream at the thought of it. lol

I tried to walk past unseen, hoping to not be noticed, but the leader stopped me and asked me for my plate. I saw very distinctly the different proportions of milk globs on my plate. The “Regular Milk” category had three times that of the “Breast Milk” one. The woman took a piece from both and then mentioned how the breast milk one tasted so much better and was healthier. I gagged when I saw her eating it. Then she asked me to taste and to my surprise I did.

Eating it brought in a flood of memories and realizations. I saw that my choices should not have been judge so harshly. I saw that had it not been for formula that my oldest and youngest children would have likely have been malnourished (or needed a wet nurse). I had PPD after my daughter’s birth and was suffering from major anemia and recovering from a c-section after the birth of my youngest. My daughter couldn’t latch on and was born three weeks early and had major digestive issues (reflux). I saw that I had given what I could. I saw that I mourned the loss of my milk.

In the dream I saw my breasts again and felt the familiar sensation of the milk coming down. I missed it and grieved the loss of it every time.

I awoke upset and feeling very sad. I miss having a baby. I miss the experience of being that close, that loved, that needed. There is nothing like it. Now my youngest is growing up and needing me less and less. I can’t have anymore children. Even though I wouldn’t want one really anyway, a part of me would have a dozen more children just to feel that bond/connection again; just to experience pregnancy and all that comes with it good and bad all over again. I feel old now, dried up and withering away. My body no longer able to give and sustain life. It is such an integral part of being a woman. I never realized it until now.

It is apparent to me that I need to let myself grieve the passing of this part of me but also embrace the new role I play in the lives of my children. Just because I can’t birth anymore, just because they are growing, doesn’t make me any less a mother.

Dream: Symbol in the Sky

I was flying along a road in the middle of an estuary. The water was a vivid blue and there were people all around fishing. There was a sense that this was a special time or event.

Suddenly I caught a glimpse of the sun, except it was not the sun. It was a very large symbol in the sky. It had always been there but caught my attention because I suddenly noticed the outer petals of this symbol were glowing a very pale, bluish color. The blue was the same color as the water below – a kind of blue-green or aqua. It was absolutely beautiful and I could not take my eyes off of it. I said to my friend, “It is glowing!” In my mind I knew this was not the sun, it was a space craft of some sort.

Then the scene around me changed. The estuary vanished and I was in the middle of an ancient city, one that was familiar but I couldn’t place. The buildings were of an ancient architecture and all had a light, pale gold color to them. As if the stone they were made from was molded and smoothed.

There was a catastrophic event taking place. The sky was grumbling despite the sun being out. Huge chunks of hail bigger than my fist, some even larger than that, were falling from the sky and causing devastation to the structures. People were in terror, running through the streets yelling to me to take cover. I just stood, looking up at the symbol in the sky, watching it. It hovered like a space craft and moved, morphing into a luminous, blue snake across the sky. I was in awe of it and felt completely and utterly at peace. I knew no harm would come to me. All around me the chaos continued. Buildings began to crumble, water flooded in and covered the city. Yet still I remained, unharmed, separate from the scene, watching as the aqua-blue colored snaked through the sky and hid behind the clouds.

When I awoke I knew the symbol I saw had a name but I couldn’t remember it. I also knew it resembled the symbols for the chakras but I wasn’t sure which chakra. The color was bluish, but I was certain it was not the throat chakra. The crown then? No. I am not sure which one but the symbolism was not lost to me. This chakra was opening in me, bringing in ancient knowledge that was once lost. My guidance confirmed. I still felt awe in remembering it. It was beautiful.

The symbol I saw was most similar to this one but with petals (no dots) on the outside, like a lotus, which is why I connected it to the chakras.

sriChakra1

The image comes from this website. It is called the SriChakra:

The Shaktas, or followers of Shakti worship, consider the Sri Yantra, or Sri Chakra, the holiest among them.

The Sri Chakra is conceived as Shiva-Shakti. The diagram consists of a series of triangles around a small central circle called the bindu. Thebindu represents the Shiva-Shakti in union, from which the rest of the diagram, representing the cosmos, is evolved. Enclosing the bindu and superimposed on each other are the four Shiva triangles (Srikanthas) pointing upwards, and five Shakti triangles (Shiva-Yuvatis) pointing downwards. These constitute the nine dhatus, or basic categories, of the universe, evolving from the Supreme Mother represented by thebindu. The triangles are surrounded by two circles of lotuses, one with eight petals (Vasudala) and the other with sixteen petals (Kalasra). Outside these, are three circles (mekhalatraya) and a rectangular enclosure (Bhupura) of three lines for the whole figure, with entrances on the four sides.

It just so happens that this website links to an article about Tantric Yoga. lol