Tag Archives: dreamwork

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Dream: Review of the Past

No tears in dreamland this morning. 🙂 I can’t say that the dreamwork has stopped, however. Seems a type of guide-led life review is in the works. These happen every once in a while but I suspect they are on-going as this life unfolds. The life reviews that I notice most, however, are the ones where I am conscious of my reaction to viewing certain incidents and/or patterns that I am being shown. Last night was a good example of this.

Dream: Review of the Past

This dream is fuzzy for the most part with certain scenes more vivid than others. I will do my best to recount as fully as possible.

The dream begins with me looking up my mom’s driveway at the gate. Someone has left a mess and so I go up to investigate. I am warned to be careful but have no fear as I pick up what look like large, yellow, plastic pipes with inserts. I pick them up and put the inserts inside and mention how someone must have taken them. I put them aside and a car pulls up.

Then I am on a road in Montana. I am in the car with my ex. We are young, probably in our first years of marriage. I do not recognize the road but it is typical of most roads in the state – two lanes with nothing but wide-open space and tall grass on either side.

My ex takes me to a club. We often went clubbing early on. He liked to country dance and hang out in bars with friends. This particular club felt sleazy to me. The women who worked there reminded me of topless dancers though there was nothing to indicate they were anything other than ordinary waitresses.

The dream gets fuzzy here but I remember talking to someone about my marriage and my treatment of my husband during that time. I make a statement – an evaluation of my time with him. Though the exact words are lost to me, it was along the lines of recognizing how the things that upset me were pointless and my focus on them a distraction from appreciating life and the beauty that surrounded me. I have had this realization before but in this dream it was particularly humbling. I remember seeing every moment with my ex in one streak of golden light that passed in front of my eyes from left to right. Contained within it were images – faces mostly. The feeling I got was very tense, like a ball of coiled up string. With it I remembered how I felt after our divorce – regret at how I treated him, the love I felt that was not expressed as often as it should have been, and the sadness that was left behind.

Back in the bar, another man joins us and is flirting with me. I am not attracted to him and ignore his advances but before I know what is happening he is beneath me sucking on my toes (someone trying to reassure me that I am progressing). I pull away in shock thinking him very strange.

As we leave the woman waitress invites me to return the next night – Tuesday.

I return the next day with my mom early in the morning – around 10am. The waitress greets us and asks us if we want to order lunch. My mom orders popcorn (positive growth) and comes back dropping half of it on the floor as she walks. I say to her, “Mom! You dropped half of your popcorn!” She doesn’t care and grabs a handful and eats it.

The bar is almost empty and as I look around I notice all the walls are garage doors (feeling stuck or “parked”). Some are open and some closed. When we attempt to leave all the doors begin to close, trapping us inside and leaving only one exit (only one path forward). The waitress tells me our car will be pulled inside and we can leave through the one open door.

Dream: Contract Advice

I am sitting at a desk with a woman sitting on my left. Another women is sitting across from us. There is a computer monitor on the left of the woman. The woman is looking at the screen and being shown paperwork she is to fill out electronically. I am giving her advice about the contract which feels like a mortgage. She is concerned about her credit score and asking how long it will take for it to improve. I tell her that it should take about 5 years. She doesn’t like hearing this. I say, “5 years is nothing. It will fly by. You’ll see.” In my mind I am reminded of how fast my life has passed me by since I had children. Then, I tell her about my own experience and how quickly I was able to correct my score and then corrected myself and said it was not my credit I was fixing but another’s.

As I tell the woman to my left about how lucky she is to not have to sign a huge stack of paperwork the lady behind the desk continues to talk and looks straight at me as if I am not there. When the lady finishes speaking she pulls out a pile of papers and says to me, “I printed these today.” She handed me one of the papers and I look at it. It seems to be insurance policies. I can still see the boxes and lettering in my mind now, but cannot remember the words. I turn to a page that is about insurance that covers car accidents. It covers all vehicles for the life of the person who owns the policy. I see a flash of a white car whose bumper is crumpled in with a gash in the passenger side door. I remember thinking that I will buy the policy because it is a great idea and costs only $5 a year. I see in my mind all the cars I have owned and how few accidents I have had but think it a good idea to get the policy “just in case” I have an accident.

Interpretation

I woke up knowing that I was looking for assurance that my life choices would be covered if I were to make a mistake. It also felt like there was a type of contract negotiation going on where I was telling a version of myself about how long it would take to repair my “credit”. Perhaps “credit” = karma? And “contract” is referring to the length of time it will take to repay karmic debt? The number 5 repeats in this dream making me wonder if perhaps it will be another 5 years before the contract is complete. To think of that length of time is daunting but at the same time I know the advice I give myself in the dream is true – time does indeed fly. 5 years is nothing!

Memories

I spent very little time thinking of the contract dream and shifted back to the first one. It is quite humbling as I recall the flash of memory. It is obvious to me that the same pattern is repeating in my current marriage. I feel like crap and say to my guidance, “I’m not doing good.” I am told, “You are doing just fine.” There is some agonizing at my own actions and how I can’t seem to stop acting/behaving in a certain way in response to certain circumstances. It doesn’t make sense and I feel caught in a trap of sorts. My guidance reminds me that I purposefully chose this human body and personality for a reason. With this reminder I feel as if I am playing a role and doing so as rehearsed. At the same time this feeling is rejected and feels wrong. I am conflicted by this juxtaposition and do not know how to respond.

For some reason my memories shift back to my “other” life with my ex. One particular moment stands out. I am at a karaoke bar with my ex and some of his friends. I go up and sing. It goes so well they encourage me to go up again. I do but I cannot find the right key and end up feeling foolish and stepping down feeling embarrassed. I don’t go up and sing again. Everyone is understanding but I feel humiliated and angry and sit there quietly until we leave. The song I failed at singing was, The Thunder Rolls, by Garth Brooks. I screwed up because I have to sing it an octave higher than it is written and when the song began to play I was unable to find that higher octave.

The song has stayed with me all morning. Specifically the “thunder rolls and the lightning strikes, another love grows cold…”

This memory is one of those that stands out from the rest. And the review I had in the dream was like that. All I saw were moments that stood out. The rest was a blur. That is how memory is in general. The past is just a blur of feelings mixed in with occasional vivid moments that stick in the memory. The general feeling when it is all over is what sticks. Just like a dream, we come out of life with a feeling that summarizes our experiences. Each phase of life “tastes” unique and blends with the next until there is a full meal of varying flavors in the end.

When I think on the memory of that karaoke moment I am reminded of my overall “serious” outlook on life. I should have laughed at myself. I should have relaxed and had more fun. I am reminded of how, just recently, I sang karaoke and did just that. It was fun, not serious at all.

I am aware of my tendency to retract within myself when I feel negative emotion, to lash out at those around me. Though aware of this tendency and despite intending to change my response, I end up repeating the cycle over and over.

The memory of that long past incident feels like an indicator of what was to come. Even now I recall the road we drove to the bar, vivid flashes in my mind. I can see the inside of the bar, the drinks, the crowd and the music. I remember feeling out of place, lost and unsure of myself, my life and where I was going.

With all this memory and realization I wonder to my guidance, “What do I do?” I see the same junction in my life as back then. So many similarities. The choices I made back then, were they the wrong ones? Were they the right ones? Is the solution to stick it out or to get out while the gettin’s good? And through it all I feel like no matter what I do, I am trapped in a certain path. That all decisions will lead to the same final outcome. Like I am doomed to play out this life with this personality and have little control over any of it. It feels unfair. I feel like I can’t help but be the “bad guy” in the end. Hurting everyone despite trying to do the opposite. When I think of making significant connections with others, I think that is probably best that I don’t in the end because I will likely screw up their life. I think, “They’re probably better off without me.” And sadly – honestly, I believe that to be true.

And to think, when this life is over, all that will be left are impressions, emotions blurred together with occasional flashes of insight. I guess all I can do is focus on how I want the memory to taste.

 

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Dreamwork Accelerates

I am beginning to notice a pattern emerging. The nights bring inner work, work that I do not look forward to. Before bed I can sense it coming. It brings that energy sick feeling; an inner resistance and avoidance of something surfacing from my subconscious.

Dream Mix – Fence, Wagon, Game, Wedding Rehearsal 

This dream is broken up and patchy in the beginning, so bear with me.

The first scene is outside in a field with two parallel fences (barriers to progress or between levels of consciousness). The inner fence is electrified and has contained within it very large cats (feminine power, how one wields their power). I can’t recall what kind now but I think they were yellow like lions or mountain lions. The outer fence is an area where the family children (innocence, purity) and pets can roam freely. I remember seeing an individual wandering out in the outer yard and seeing one of the large cats at the edge of the electrified fence trying to get to him. The cat tested the fence despite being electrified and started to ram into it head first. I saw the fence buckle but not give in. I called to the individual who I remember both as a small boy and as a small animal like a cat so I don’t know which it was. It felt like sending anyone to the outer yard was not safe anymore and I remember thinking it not wise to venture out there even with the protective electrified fence.

In the next scene I am invited inside by a group of three women. We sit at a table and one woman suggests we play a card game. She begins to deal the cards and asks me if I want some wine (relaxation, ease), but it is like a sparkling version. I hesitate and she urges me to take some, so I do. Then we focus on the game and I see a pile of cards in the center with one turned over. There is a multiple choice question on it and we are to look at our cards to see if they match the answer. Mine does but before I can say my answer to win the round the woman starts to deal again. I protest, saying I did not get ample time to answer and asked where the timer was (I saw a mini hourglass in my mind). I told her we needed one and she ignored me, intent on playing the game without one. In my mind I saw how not having a timer worked to her advantage and felt it was very unfair.

The scene shifts again and I am on a wagon in the woods with a group of men who have taken captive two young girls. The man in charge is getting ready to set off when it is brought to his attention that the girls are the daughters of someone he knows. Hearing this, he instructs his men to let the girls go and to give them money for their journey. The girls are left on the dirt road and the wagon leaves. I am with them and urge them to go but they are reticent. I say to them, “You should count yourself lucky! He let you go and gave you money, too! He obviously cares about what happens to you!” The girls wise up and walk down the road. There is one who is very cautious and I ask her, “I am curious, when were you born?” She says, “November.” I ask, “When in November? Early on or later in the month?” She says, “November 17th.” I say, “Oh wow! Then you are all Scorpio! That is my dad’s birthday. But you aren’t acting like a typical Scorpio. You are being very mental, like an air sign” Then I ask them, “What sign would you want to be if you could pick? I would be a Taurus…..or better yet, Aquarius! Aquarius is the water bearer, a beautiful and graceful woman.” In my mind I saw the water bearer – an angelic woman with flowing hair and clothing – and wanted very badly to be her.

The scene shifted yet again. I am with a small family group. The daughter is about to be married. I suggest we stop by the hotel where the wedding is to be held to take a look. Inside, I look down the spiral, brown carpeted staircase. It is very high and steep. I say, “I would trip if I walked down that in a wedding dress, even the simple one that I wore on my wedding day.” At the bottom of the stairs I am getting dressed in what I will wear at the wedding. I wrap around me a corset-type piece of clothing. It is hard to maneuver myself inside of it. It squishes my breasts up and against my body. It is made of black satin and very beautiful. When I am done I show it to another women. She walks around me, looking closely and then asked me, “What have you done with your hair?” I see what she sees and instead of the corset being around my bosom it is around my head and looks very much like a black crown. It reminds me of the witch’s crown in Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent). My hair is bundled up on top with a long strand coming down. I told her, “I don’t know.”

The dream continues with a reception gathering at what resembles the inside of a church (seeking guidance/insight). I am standing among the pews along with everyone else looking ahead but I am not looking at what everyone else is. Instead, I see a tall, familiar man standing and facing me, his back to the front of the room. He is lit up brightly compared to everyone else and I cannot not avert my eyes no matter how hard I try, and I did try. He is younger than I recall in his photos but it is definitely him. He seems to be communicating with me but I am avoiding his communication and him. I do not want him to know I am looking at him. I am acutely aware of the whole scene; it feels as if time slows and despite others being in the room I sense only us. I look away but feel his focus on me. When I look back he catches me looking. This happens several times until I finally turn and walk away.

Then I encounter my mom and we are together a short time before she says to me, “I forgot something at home. I’ll be right back.” When she returns a short time later she has a huge black eye. I ask her what happens and she replies with, “I’ll tell you later.” I know that she returned home and her husband hit her in a drunken rage.

Then I am talking with some women but I can’t recall what all we said. My main recollection is saying to them, “Why did I have to fall in love with a man who doesn’t love me?” I burst into tears, my chest heaving and waking me up. The tears continued briefly after I woke.

Interpretation

After waking I feel the top of my head alive with energy. It is as if the black crown is still on my head. Similarly, my chest feels constricted as if the corset is still tightly wrapped around it. I try to wake fully but continue to fall into the in-between, the dream still vivid in my mind. I recognize the man in the church and wonder if he is aware that he visited me. I think of the black eye on my mother and recognize that she is me, going back to a situation that is harmful because she feels that is all she deserves.

The more I mull over the dream in the in-between the more my heart and head light up with energy. My heart is opening and closing; energy explodes out and then contracts inward. I think to myself, “I am trying to protect myself.” I see the black corset and know this to be true. I know the wagon portion of the dream is a message from myself to me. I tell the girl that the man let her go and gave her money because he cares about what happens to her. She should be grateful for his gift.

I know the whole dream sequence goes together despite seeming separate. The fence holding back the big cat is likely about me holding back my power, my scared femininity and sexuality. It is held back for now but threatening to break through. I fear it will destroy my innocence or a part of me that I feel is vulnerable. The game is about feeling a situation is unfair; feeling I do not have enough time and being overruled by circumstance. The wagon portion could be a past life memory or just me recognizing that I want to be this ideal version of myself – the water bearer – and reminding myself of a gift I have been given but have not recognized fully yet.

The wedding scene is likely about my own “wedding” which is symbolic of Hieros Gamos – the merging of the Divine masculine and feminine within. The corset is symbolic of something restrictive holding me back and specifically affecting my heart and crown – the head and the heart at at odds perhaps? Maleficent could be symbolic of my journey as a woman or of the plight of women in general. The man is familiar and shines like a beacon of light. Perhaps I see him as a guide or someone who can help? And I have already mentioned my mother, her black eye and how she represents me – perhaps the “old” version. My statement in the end reveals my struggle with coming to terms with a love that will never be returned.

This song was in my head when I woke: