Tag Archives: dreamwork

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Dream: Showing Myself

I had a nice, quiet, lazy day alone yesterday followed by 10+ hours of sleep last night which was greatly needed. It’s not often I get a full day and night to recuperate and I took full advantage.

The previous night’s lucid dream message returned to my thoughts around bedtime. So I asked my guidance to help me pinpoint my “joy”. The dream was obvious in indicating there was a well lit path via my joy and I don’t want to waste anymore time getting on it. The answer was provided before I shut my eyes but I was in a bit of denial. This morning, not so much, but I understand why I have been delayed as there is a lot of change involved….and courage.

Very few things have brought me consistent joy in this life. The first that always comes to mind is singing. I love to sing! Yet I have not done much of it since getting married and having children. When I was younger I wanted to become a professional singer. That way I could make money doing what I loved. That path didn’t pan out, though. It was made clear time and time again that I wasn’t good enough to earn the kind of living I wanted. So I decided to keep my singing to myself and follow the path suggested by everyone close to me: teaching.

I did find teaching enjoyable and fulfilling at times, but not consistently.

Then I had my spiritual awakening and everything changed. Never had I felt so passionate about something, not even singing! But the timing was off. The world hadn’t awakened yet and once again I didn’t have what it took to earn the kind of living I wanted.  So I gave up and once again took the logical, easier route – teaching.

And then teaching became a drudgery. It nearly destroyed me. So I quit and went another logical route – counseling. I made good money and had the stability and safety of a good job. But then that, too, did not fulfill me.

In the midst of a safe, stable counseling job I met the Kundalini and had yet another spiritual awakening. This one was – is – much more transformative than the first. And, like before, never have I experienced such joy…or passion.

So, prior to bed I recognized that of all the things I have done in this life, the only thing that consistently brings me joy is the spiritual and spiritual transformation via the Kundalini. Therefore, to follow my joy I need to explore the Kundalini more – go down that rabbit hole. I am not sure of the “how” yet, but I am working on precisely wording what it is I want the Universe to give me. When I have that perfected I will set the intention and see what it brings me.

Courage to change is not one of my strong points. I usually have to be forced to make difficult changes. I can’t say that won’t be the way it goes this time but hopefully I can avoid traumatic change and go the more gradual route.

Dream – Sleeping Bag

I was traveling down a country road with two girlfriends. We were searching for a new home. There was discussion along the way about how to go about maintaining the romantic three-way connection we had (refers to me and two others). I remember saying I felt uncomfortable with the idea and did not see it working out. At the time I had with me a sleeping bag (have to leave my comfort zone) that somehow ended up in a ditch (obstacle, feeling pressured, needing to get out of a bad situation) and was swept away by flood waters (high emotion).

We ended up camping (facing stress and pressure in life) in a nice spot. It was very green and had everything we needed (security, safety). I wanted to keep going because the spot was not what I had imagined our home to be like. I wanted mountains (spiritual journey) and there was none. The other two women were set, though, so we stayed.

Then we noticed a community of people already occupied the spot. It was a strange group which reminded me of the Amish. We encountered a group of the men trying to pull of a huge gourd vine full of mature gourds (abundance, prosperity). We watched them for a while and eventually revealed ourselves to them.

We were invited inside and I was shown a large green cloth. I realized straight away that it was my sleeping bag (have to leave my comfort zone). Inside the cloth was my folded up bag, completely dry!

For a while we all lived together and planted an impressive garden made of plants I have no name for. Everything flourished (personal and financial growth) but I was still searching for my ideal home. I told my girlfriends I was leaving.

I ended up outside a hotel (paradigm shift) in Georgia with a man who I knew to be my husband. I was thirsty so went to buy some soda. Two men came out of the hotel. One told me the machine was broken but offered to buy me two sodas (options). The other man stood to my left and just behind me. I got a creepy feeling from him, like he wanted to have sex with me, but he kept his distance.

I was given the sodas and asked for money to pay for them. I handed the man a $20 bill. He gave me back $10 and told me I could get the rest if I opened a checking account (investment needed) with them. I remember thinking I had just been scammed and considered just taking the loss.

I began to talk to the other guy about Virginia and Georgia. I told him I use to dream of meeting the man of my dreams who I called – my Virginia man. lol I also told him the same about a man in Georgia. I mentioned the man in Virginia was like Nicolas Cage but now that he was older he was like an old Nicolas Cage and not very attractive. I couldn’t recall who the man in Georgia looked like.

The last thing I remember is looking over and seeing the man who I knew to be my husband sitting on a black mat with several dumbbells (feelings of guilt or burden) around him. He looked to be counting them.

Dream – Showing Myself

This dream was almost lucid but I was so tired I never fully recognized I was dreaming.

It began outside my mom’s house. I was with some others – family I guess – and had a box in my hand. Somehow I realized I could float around on the box. The first time I went up quite high and told someone (probably my guide) to keep me closer to the ground. I then showed the others what I could do.

There was this small jet plane (feeling threatened), about six feet wide, that was coming in to attack my family. I remember it was blue and white and looked like something from the US military. I got on my box (it resembled a yoga block) and flew around hiding behind trees.

From up high I noticed someone up by the fence and flew up to him. He was dressed in military camo. I saw a group of cows (docile, need to belong) milling about in the road. I said, “Looks like someone’s cows got out.” The man nodded, not even noticing I was floating.

As I turned to leave I was once again on the ground. I tried to lift off and fell on my face. I walked with my mom and began to hop until I was once again able to fly. Suddenly fearless, I decided I wasn’t going to hide from the military and turned back toward the road which was now full of infantry men and women trying to round up the cows. I flew over them and they looked up. I felt triumphant.

Considerations

The first dream seems to be a typical dream where I am sorting through thoughts and feelings. The second dream is a usual lucid/OBE type dream where I am practicing doing something that in real life I struggle with. In this case it is confronting my fears despite repeatedly “falling down” (failure). There is fear of being seen coming up in the dream and a fear of being “caged” per the cows getting out.

It seems like fear in general is something I am working through. I’ve had a blockage in my solar plexus for quite some time and this is exactly where fear resides. The Kundalini has been forcing this fear to the surface. The worry and anxiety attacks are just a portion of how it manifests. Avoidance is another.

 

 

 

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Lucid Dream – Exit Point

Thankful the hectic week is over! Kids are all in school now. My youngest started Kindergarten and loves it. My middle child got to finally be in the same class as one of his best friends and my oldest made it through her first day of middle school unscathed. Today I get to be home alone to recuperate. My husband took the kids to a water park about an hour away. They probably won’t be back until 9-10pm. 🙂

I plan to get some things done and take my time about it. My sleep was interrupted at around 4am by strange noises in the driveway. Sure something bad was happening, I got up to investigate and I saw my MIL and my husband transferring her bags into our minivan. I had forgotten my husband agreed to take her and his brother’s entire family to the airport. My MIL had been frantic to park her car at our house instead of my BIL’s because she didn’t want her car sitting in the sun all week. She is convinced the sun will “rot” it (eyeroll WTF?). I had asked her to find another option because I knew the 4am transfer would wake me up. Sure enough, it did, and as I expected it caused me to lose at least an hour of sleep. 😦

When I finally did return to sleep I got an unexpected “lesson”.

Lucid Dream – Exit Point

The dream began with me in my bed hearing something going on in the front driveway. I got up and saw my MIL’s car parked in the driveway. It was disgusting, covered with filth. Then my youngest came screaming out of the front door because he thought I was leaving and never coming back. When I went to soothe him and take him back inside I saw that we were not at our own house. I began to walk to our house and found a bundle of keys on the driveway, keys to a Nissan Xterra. I went back and found another family outside packing up their car. I asked if the keys were theirs and they said they weren’t. As I went to go search for the owner, a small, blonde, naked and armless (inability to take care of ones self) child was there. I hugged her and noticed all the other children with her were deformed or mentally retarded in some way. I felt sympathy for them.

As I crossed into our driveway and looked around at the unfamiliar scene, I thought to myself, “This is not right. I must be dreaming.”

To test this out I decided to see if I could float or fly. I relaxed and my body floated upward and then I knew I was dreaming.

I flew down the road and encountered a little girl with blonde hair. She was trying to put on a necklace (conflict between head and heart) made of green, elastic material. I said, “Can I help you with that?” She said, “Yes”. I began to move her hair out of the way and tried to tie the necklace but it was too short and little pieces of hair kept getting in the way. I told her I couldn’t tie the necklace and she started to cry. The girl’s sister suggested I tie the necklace first and then have the girl step into it and pull it up to her neck. The sister showed me how and I thought it was a great idea (rising of Kundalini maybe?).

There is a brief memory here of standing in front of a mirror. I looked at my face and saw myself as I am now but maybe a bit younger. I smiled and then focused more on my image expecting it to morph because that is what usually happens in my lucid experiences. Rather than the image morphing into something else, certain features changed. My mouth got very small, making my cheeks appear larger. I remember knowing the shrinking mouth represented my “shrinking voice”.

My attention went elsewhere after that. I was talking to a guide I could not see. I remember thinking/saying, “What do I do now?” I felt completely hopeless and directionless and began to cry. As I cried the scene in front of me began to slowly turn black. The blackness was impenetrable and desolate. I knew that my emotions were creating it but I had no idea how to free myself from it.

Knowing I was dreaming I began to worry my crying would send me back to my sleeping body and wake me up. But it didn’t. Instead, I was asked to look into the darkness. I believe the words were, “Look for light in the darkness.”

I began to focus on the darkness and noticed it shifted and moved as if alive. Then a sliver of white light began to take shape in front of me. The light extended to form a line almost like a lightening bolt straight ahead. The more I focused, the more the light chased away the darkness to reveal the path ahead. I followed it.

I could see the end of the path way up ahead. It was quite far and uphill. All I wanted was to get to the end. I didn’t care what I had to do to get there.

The first place the path took me was to a water park (playfulness, enjoying life). I saw children playing in the water as I walked through. There were small walls (obstacles) I had to climb over but they were only about knee height. I spoke to the children and tended to them if they asked for help. 

Throughout all this I recall talking with a guide. At one point the scene vanished and all that was in front of me was an open book. The pages were empty. I was told to read them. Sentences began to appear in cursive writing as I read. I read them aloud and was amazed at how clear the lettering was and that I was able to read it. I worried briefly that my focus on the words would wake me up, but it it never did. Instead, it made the words more clear. Fascinating!

Of course, now I don’t remember what I read word-for-word. All I remember now is what I heard my guide say to me. He said, “Find your joy and follow it”. He also said something like, “Help them.” All that is left in my memory is the message that if I look for the light, I will see it. The “light” being that which brings me joy. Then all I have to do if follow it.

Then I was back on the path looking ahead at the end. I saw two golden chalices (spiritual nourishment, immortality) or cups sitting on a pedestal, one on my left and one on my right. Above them was a great circle (continuity) colored red-orange. The light illuminated them. There was a plaque below each that was covered in red paint. I knew the sign had information so I began to scratch away the layer of paint on both plaques. To my surprise I saw white numbers on a golden background. I recognized the pattern to be that of a date – like month, day, year – but the more I focused on the dates to try and remember them, the more numbers there were until it no longer resembled a date. I think I saw 2023 and 2036 but I can’t remember now. The numbers are all jumbled together in my mind.

The voice of my guide said to me as I was trying to decipher the numbers, “You know we can’t reveal that to you.” Disappointed I gave up.

What I remember now of those two golden cups or chalices is that I had two choices of “exit” dates in this life. The one on the right was later than the one on the left. Other than that, I was unable to determine which path was “better”.

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Dream: Skiing in Montana

I woke briefly after that but was able to return to sleep.

I was in Montana and decided to go skiing (breezing through aftermath of challenging situation). Ahead of me was a dirt road (new path, path untraveled) barely wide enough for one car. The road was riddled with puddles of water (emotion) some of which were very deep. I traveled by car but also seemed to be on foot. I wore no shoes, just white socks (protection). A man was with me but was not my husband. He showed me the way and I put my foot/wheels wherever he did.

At one point, just past a small bridge, one of the holes was so deep the man jumped over. I quickly followed, barely missing the hole and knowing it was so deep that I would have gotten soaked.

Then I was heading back up the road, this time with my husband. He was talking on the phone with a friend. He was telling them that he would love to live free, without a car, without a house, without many of the things he and I had built together. He was talking as if I was a burden and I could tell by the conversation that he was planning on leaving me to live this new “simpler” life. I recall him mentioning that this friend, obviously a woman, was eating Moringa seeds, and that because of that he wanted to also. The name was familiar.

As I listened I began to panic about what I would do as a single parent. I was angry that my husband would just abandon us to relieve himself of the burden.

The car came to the same deep puddle and my husband decided to drive through it very fast. The car launched into the air after hitting the puddle. Mud flew everywhere and then we landed behind a bunch of people on bikes (independence). The car bumped one bike but did not hurt anyone.

Then we were driving through a lazy town in Montana. The day was beautiful and the temperature perfect. I said to my husband, “It’s a really nice, summer day.” I remembered how nice the summers could be in Montana. I told him that the cities were safer and it was a good place to raise a family. Then I remembered how harsh the winters were. I decided it wasn’t worth it to live there.

Considerations

I’m not sure what to think of the dream experiences. The first lucid one seems mostly to be a message that things will not always be so dark, to look for my “joy” and to follow it and it will lead me to where I want to go.

The second dream seems to be a warning along with advice. The Moringa seed part was very vivid and likely indicates I need to research the seeds. I believe we have a bag of them in the garage given to my husband by the former owner of our old house (the man who killed himself). Overall, Moringa seems to be a good supplement in seed form and goes well with Turmeric, which was also a supplement suggested in an OBE I had years ago.

My thoughts about finding my joy are not positive. Nothing really brings me joy these days. So I am sad to think that the answer to my problems is to find and follow my joy. Perhaps it has to do with children because that dream also included me reaching out to children? Maybe but that doesn’t feel exactly right. It could be my own children, I suppose. That is closer to right because they do bring me joy at times.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

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Dream: Back to School Message

This week is hectic. The kids go back to school tomorrow. My youngest starts Kindergarten and my oldest goes into 6th grade. So, of course, I am worrying about my youngest. Will he do okay? Will he behave? Will he get along with the other kids? How will he manage an all-day school schedule?

My oldest is worrying on her own. I took her to a 6th grade camp to get oriented to her new school and classmates and she cried on the way from all her anxiety. I suspect the first day of school will be similar.

On top of all the back to school activity, my husband returned from almost a month away on business. It is always an adjustment when he returns. My youngest became the worse version of himself as a result. He is my little fiery double Aries and boy can he ever throw a tantrum! Then he can keep it up for an hour straight. Ugh! He is better today, thankfully!

My personal schedule is busy as well. I have three appointments this week. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, The main thing I am addressing is maintaining my leg vein health. After removing a vein in my right leg in 2015 because it was not functioning properly, I try to do yearly maintenance on my legs because my body continues to make extra ugly veins to make up for the lost one. Overall I have great genetics except for the vein part. Sigh.

Dream: Back to School Message 

I recall going into a large, church-type building with rows of desks filled with students in uniform. I selected a seat on the right side of the room up against the wall and sat down. A young handicapped boy with light hair rolled in. When our eyes met we both lit up. I remember feeling extremely happy to see him.When he saw me he rose up out of his chair and limped over to me as if floating. Knowing he could not walk yet was doing so for me was impressive. I knew it was his gift to me. We embraced and he sat down in a seat in front of me. I snuggled up into his embrace and just sat there with him. The feeling he gave me was wonderful, like waves of calm and peace. Safe. There was no other place I would rather be than in his arms. All interest in other things vanished – school included – and my whole focus shifted to being with him.

That is when we noticed something unusual. On the other side of the church I could see a peacock (love, immortality, soul, peace). The young man with me pointed him out and said how he loved them. The peacock was running, its beautiful tail very obvious and impressive. The young man said, “I love the double ones” and I imagined a peacock with a double tail thinking that it must be rare.

I remember either telling him about or having memories of when I was younger and raised peacocks.

Then there was a commotion to the left and I saw a line of baby peafowl with their mother. They were all drab brown walking in a line. Some were fighting over a scrap of food. Then it was as if they were being hunted by dogs and I was worried for them. The last thing I saw was what looked like a pack of wild dogs devouring a carcass but the carcass looked like it was a dog, too!

The next thing I know I am returning to class but I forgot my backpack. I am late and have to sit in a different location. I can see my young male friend in his normal place. I wave at him and feel sad because we can’t be together. I am sitting next to girls I do not know and feel uncomfortable.

The teacher gives us our assignment only I haven’t been listening. I go back into the story we just read to find the answer. I recall the answer included compare and contrast of two children. The first came from a family who always paid their bills way in advance and had insurance for their five kids. Yet they were very poor. The other family was the opposite and always in debt. I knew my young male friend was from the former family type as was I.

As I was finishing up my assignment the teacher came around and took my pen before I could put my name on it.

Then I was watching myself from a distance. I saw myself as a young girl, maybe 10 years old. I would stare off into space often and the feelings I had were of worry and anxiety over what might happen. I was always on edge. I didn’t feel like the other kids and had few if any friends. The me observing this scene felt sad. It was strange to watch myself from outside myself. Did I really look like that? Was I the daydreaming kid, always staring out the window, always the outsider? Yep.

Message

As the dream came to an end I was left with what I was being shown. I knew it was a message. I recognized the feeling I had with my young partner – Home. When he was with me I was Whole and needed nothing. All interest in learning ceased. When he was gone I felt incomplete, scared and anxious. My rock and foundation was gone and I was forced to learn to stand on my own.

When I woke the same song was going through my head as the other day:

The parts of the song repeating were:

“I’ll say I told you so but you just gonna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

“I can’t take this place, no I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space.”

And with all this I heard from my guidance, “Remember.” I knew this meant I needed to remember what I was shown the last time I merged with my Higher Self. What did I remember? That I am exactly where I am suppose to be. This life is just a journey, one that is over in a blink of an eye despite it feeling much, much, much longer than that. When the journey is over I will return Home to my family, hopefully lessons learned.

The dream and lesson itself is quite humbling. The feeling the young man gave me is familiar. When I have felt it in this life I recognized that all I wanted to do was stay in it. At the same time I felt that if I did stay in/with it, that my life would be over because I would cease to learn the lessons I came here to learn. The point is that I have to stand on my own two feet, learn to be Whole on my own.

 

 

 

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OBE: Select

Strange morning. Prior to sleep, during my meditation, I asked to merge with my Higher Self. This came out of the blue and was not my original intention but I stuck with it. It felt right. I figured my HS might be able to give me some answers.

Dream: Becoming Lucid

I was in a small room in bed (wanting to make a change but feeling something is stopping me). A young woman and her friend were getting ready to go workout at the gym. I recall telling them about the new gym (message to take care of myself) arrangement and a visual of a small gym space, like a home gym, came to mind. The floors were black rubber and all the equipment was moved to one end leaving a large open space. I remember saying the arrangement was better. I told them I would join them soon but I was going to go for a 10 minute run first. But I didn’t get out of bed. I felt drowsy and sluggish.

Then it seemed like the room was a bathroom (healing, release). My friends were outside the door calling for me. I told them I was using the bathroom but then looked at the toilet and the top of it was flush with the floor. It looked like someone had pushed it down to create a squat toilet. I mentioned it and a woman popped her head in the door and laughed saying I would have to squat. I said, “I guess I will have to squat then”. Then a man also peeked in and I knew the two were coworkers – both doctors in training. A flash of a previous dream where I was an intern with them came to mind and I recognized how I knew them.

The scene shifted and I was watching a man walking up spiral stairs carrying a load of tree branches (period of dormancy). A woman was telling him to be careful. The scene around was a busy city street and the man seemed to be coming from underground up through a circular hole similar to a well.

Then I saw a man walking around without a top on and wearing a long, flowing skirt. At the same time it felt like me.  Then I was in the body. I saw myself as female. The cars driving past were honking and I was trying to cover myself with a white, button up shirt as fast as I could. Then I looked down at my lower half and thought, “A man wearing a skirt. Hmmmm.”

The wrongness brought about some lucidity and I became aware that I was having a conversation in the background of the dream. I recall the details of the conversation but won’t share it at this time as it is private. The memory I have of where I was during this conversation is of total darkness. There were also visuals that went along with the conversation, like I was watching a movie.

The topic brought on full lucidity and I began to ask aloud where someone was. I began to search. I entered a place that looked to be from a cartoon. Everything was drawn and in vivid color. There was a white van (heavy workload, progress in life) and I flew around it investigating while still looking for someone.

Then I was flying down a path with trees on either side. Ahead it looked like a tunnel and the colors faded into black the farther I traveled. I was still looking for someone but at this point realized I could sense my sleeping body.

OBE: Select

I temporarily shifted to my body as soon I made the decision to go OOB. Then I was in total darkness. I could sense my bedroom and bed. The transition OOB was flawless and I began to move down stairs. There was absolutely no strange, heavy energy and I struggled to believe I was in an OBE. I couldn’t see and was saying aloud, “My kids can’t see me” because I was worried they would interfere. My old dog, Trooper, was running beside me whining excitedly.

When I got downstairs, Trooper ran to the door and I began to see with clarity but only with my left eye (feminine side). I saw him waiting at the door. I opened it and found another, larger, white door (portal) behind it. The door opened, Trooper ran out happily, and I followed.

Outside it was not my front yard. Instead it was an entire town with rows of buildings and a long city street. I could see Trooper in the distance and I flew to catch up but encountered many bare tree branches (period of dormancy). I flew through and above them, grabbing onto the tops of the trees to keep from going up too far. As I flew, I looked at the city streets below me. I could see many people walking along the streets. Some looked up at me, but they looked strange. The ones I remember were bald, wearing black suits and had pale white skin. I also think they had on black sunglasses but it was overcast.

My intention was to follow Trooper but I remembered too much, it felt too real, and my awareness was increasing quickly. Before I knew it was I was sucked back toward my sleeping body but the experience did not end. Instead the scene shifted and I was looking inside an open refrigerator (cold, no change). The conversation from before resumed and I saw a hand reach into the fridge and pull out a bottle of Ranch dressing (improvement upon something). I tried to read the label and heard a man say, “Select.”

I came back to my body slowly after that. It felt like I floated in and out of my body for a time. There was a nice, heavy, comforting feeling about it so I lingered in that feeling for a while.

When I woke a song was going through my head. These lyrics specifically: “I’d say I told you so but you just wanna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

Considerations

The overall feeling of the dream and OBE is that I am in a period of dormancy and renewal. As a season, I would be in Winter, so no new growth is going on. Instead I am resting or hibernating. The message at the end seems to indicate a decision needs to be made in order to improve my life conditions.

As far as merging with my Higher Self, I don’t feel like that happened, at least not in the way I wanted it to.

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Dream Theme: Cleaning House

My sleep cycle has shifted back to me needing more sleep but dream recall remains good. My dreams are odd, however, with strange visuals and symbolism present. This morning I woke with a sense that I should document what I could of my dreams.

Dream: Cleaning House and Spirit Encounter

In this dream I was surveying my house which looked to be a single story house in the suburbs. It felt like I had suddenly become aware of its poor condition, as if I had been away on a trip but in reality had just not noticed. I remember going through each room picking up clutter and rearranging things so that it looked more organized and less chaotic. The things I picked up were the normal things you would find in a house with children, nothing out of the ordinary like heaps of trash or dirt.

I remember going into the back yard and seeing part of the fence had a hole in it. I went around and picked up a piece of fence laying against the house and filled in the hole with it. My children were with me, helping, but I can’t remember much except telling them what to do. I heard noise in the front yard and saw a man with a mower and weed killer walking around. I remember thinking he was in the wrong yard and before I could say anything another man approached him, spoke to him and they both left. I looked at the condition of the front yard. It was full of weeds and overgrown but it didn’t bother me too much.

Then I was standing in the driveway. The road was caved in toward the center and the edges were crumbling. I remember thinking that the house must have been misrepresented to me when I purchased it and knew the driveway needed to be fixed immediately. I thought, “Looks like the house was built on a fault line.” I could see a crack extended into the garage.

Inside the garage I noticed tons of dried leaves littering the floor. I remember telling the kids that the leaves needed to be cleaned up. I said the season for leaves was over and they needed to be removed.

I walked into a patio area and was organizing some things when I noticed a single cell phone sitting on the chair. I thought that my MIL must have left it and went back to cleaning.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement.  I turned and saw a ghostly apparition floating into the front drive. She was tall with dark hair and wearing a blue-gray gown. I called out to her, “Hey! Who are you? Come back!” The ghost seemed to hear me and floated back toward me but then past me. I continued to yell at her to get her attention. When she didn’t seem to hear me, I picked up the cell phone and threw it at her. It went through her but she turned and came back toward me. I said, “What’s your name? My name’s Dayna.”

The ghost finally stopped and came toward me. She told me her name but I can’t remember it now. Then she began to talk to me about my children, muttering about their safety and obviously not in present time. I somehow knew she had been an alcoholic in her past life and had been drunk all the time, neglecting her children. The ghost was trapped, unable to continue on her journey to the Other Side. In an attempt to help her I said, “Maybe if you weren’t drunk all the time you could free yourself.” She looked me straight in the eyes then, as if she had heard me, and seemed apologetic. I reached toward her and grabbed onto her arm. When I felt it was solid I said, “Wow! It’s solid. I can feel you!” At the same time I could feel her emotions as if they were my own – sadness and regret.

Dream: Spider-Man

In this dream I was also cleaning but this time it was the living room. There was a sofa and behind it a washer and dryer. I remember talking to someone, saying it needed to be cleaned. I took a broom and began to sweep it back and forth behind the sofa. It captured cobwebs and spiderwebs full of dead bugs and very large spiders. It was large amounts as if there was an infestation. So I got out some bug spray and began to spray behind the sofa and in all the nooks and crannies around the washer and dryer. I remember saying, “Be careful. I stirred them up so there might be spiders around.”

As I sat on the sofa I saw a huge spider on the edge of a chair. I pointed it out and went to grab the bug spray. I sprayed it generously but it didn’t die right away. Instead if ran across to the sofa and then slowed and stopped just below the sofa. It was the largest spider I had ever seen! It also was quite grotesque looking. It resembled an ant but also a spider. It was reddish colored and the sections of its body made it look like a tiny man. It curled up as the poison took affect and died.

Across the room I spotted another similar spider and began to spray it. It also slowed, stopped and curled up in a ball to die.

After that I was a bit paranoid about there being more spiders. The spiders really creeped me out because of how they looked. I did not want one to crawl on me or bite me. I remember thinking they must be venomous to the point of deadly.

Curiosity took over eventually and I went to inspect one of the spiders. I decided I wanted to take a photo so got down real close to take a picture. That is when I saw it was not yet dead. The closer I got to it, the more it looked like a man until eventually I realized it was a man! The man had dark hair and was wearing a suit, like a space suit. I asked him, “Are you okay?” He looked up at me, his face burned in sections by the poison I had sprayed on him. He said, “I would be better if you stopped spraying that stuff on me!” I felt awful knowing I had tried to kill him and looked across at the other spider-man who was very obviously dead on the other side of the room.

The spider-man I was talking to slowly began to grow larger and larger until he was man-sized. He said he had to go and a circular craft of some sort surrounded him. He selected a spot in the room and began to drill down into the ground and disappeared. All he left behind was a gaping hole.

Interpretations

Both dreams involved me cleaning. The first was an entire house which is symbolic of current life personality and aspects of the self. The second is just about the living room which symbolizes the aspect of the self involving family connections. These dreams are just a small portion of the cleaning dreams I’ve been having lately indicating I’m in a healing phase.

The fence repair in the first dream indicates a break in boundaries that I am working to repair. It also represents the feeling of safety. I want to keep something out and keep my family safe inside. The garage represents a period of boredom, the leaves littering the inside symbolize depressed feelings and loss.

The driveway represents my access point to self or “home”. Its condition indicates I feel access is being interrupted and challenged. The fault line represents catastrophic change and a threat to my stability. The front yard being left with weeds shows that I am not concerned about what me and my situation looks like to others. I let it be “weeds and all”.

The ghost is likely a representation of me. The phone is communication. The situation the ghost is in indicates avoidance of the issue. Being drunk is that avoidance. The ghost is stuck because she is avoiding something.

The second dream feels very much like I am being reminded of my spiritual path. Spiders are symbolic of creativity as well. The fact that the spider looks like a man could be that I am associating my creativity and spiritual path with a man/masculine or that one of my guides took the opportunity to reveal himself and pass on a message via my inspection of the spider in the dream. He asks me to please stop poisoning him, which in itself indicates that I am trying to kill off something about myself to include my spiritual path, my creative side and all things spiders represent – growth, manifestation, choice. The fact that he then transforms to full height, gets into a circular craft and drills into the ground symbolizes that this part of myself is from my deep subconscious or past.

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OBE: Fly With Me

The last couple of nights I haven’t been sleeping as deeply as the previous weeks. Instead, I wake early, before the sun, and end up drifting in and out of sleep for a while before actually getting out of bed. My dreams have been numerous and memorable and mostly about water – boats, cruise ships, rain, oceans, and last night – flooding.

Dream: Evacuation

In the beginning of this dream I was thoroughly cleaning a toilet (clearing troubles and worries) as well as clearing out the inside of drawers. The drawers were full of old pencils (communication and creativity) mostly as well as stuff that had just been put in there over the past 5 years. The piles of pencils were incredible! Yet I still opted to keep some of them.

Then I was with my family at an apartment building (current well-being or finances). We had just moved in and were being told the building was to be evacuated because of heavy rain and flooding (lots of heavy emotion coming). Everyone was to be out by the weekend. I remember saying I had just been working for 2 days and asking if there was any exceptions, but there were none.

I went down to the lower levels (subconscious) and was talking to a black woman about the evacuation. We were going to relocate to Montana (spiritual journey) and I was concerned about how much we could take with us. I thought we could put it all into our Prius but the woman was asking if we could take another person with us. I didn’t want to relocate and was really uncomfortable with the situation.

There was a small room that was full of cats (feminine spirituality, sexuality).  A short woman who I recognized went to open the door and I told her that was the room where the cats were fed. They were fed cheese (change is coming) for some reason.

I also remember seeing the water coming in through a vent and saw that outside it was raining hard. The water was flooding the basement and the room with the cats in it. I was asking if it was too late to get renter’s insurance (looking for reassurance). The lady said no but it would cost as much as it would to replace all our things. I was most concerned about the computers (communication, connection) and decided we had room to take them with us.

I woke suddenly from this dream only to fall back to sleep briefly. I was with my two sons going through the lunch line at a school. My youngest was fooling around as I ordered their meals – enchiladas (security, seeking to wrap children in safety, protection from change). The man asked if I had a lunch card and I gave him my debit card and told him I was going to be enrolling my kids in the school. I knew it was up north (reference to one’s inner compass) and I was not happy about relocating there. When I got done I looked and the entire lunch line was gone, replaced with a huge mound of dirt (guilt).

OBE: Fly With Me

I became acutely aware of myself laying in my bed with my blanket (security, warmth) wrapped around me. Realizing I was OOB I began to try and get out of bed but my blanket was making that difficult. I remember thinking to myself warning thoughts about how I needed to not overly focus because it would pull me back into my body. Yet, even when I did worry I was not pulled back.

Eventually, I rolled out of bed and onto the floor, successfully exiting my bed. Then, I crawled toward the bedroom door, blanket still restricting me. I went through the door without touching it. I recognized it was my old bedroom at my Mom’s house.

Once outside the door, the blankets began to fall away and I felt more freedom of movement. When the blankets fell away completely, I floated into the kitchen (nourishment). It was brightly lit and messy. The kitchen table was the older version and covered with plates from a meal just eaten. In the far corner, blocking the double, back doors, was a fully decorated and lit Christmas tree (symbol of gifts).

I remember thinking, “It’s not Christmas!” Then I saw my two boys, grabbed their hands and led them out the front door.

Outside I encountered a snow (emotional distance, coldness) covered scene. There was a tall pine tree (wisdom, longevity) where there is not one in real life, its branches bare except for the tips which were full of needles and pine cones. It towered above the house casting a shadow over us. In the snow I could see impressions left by doves (peace). I spotted two different dove impressions and pointed them out to my kids excitedly.

Still holding my kids hands, I decided I wanted to fly and lifted up into the air. I stopped mid-way, cautious about going too high, and looked around at the scene below me. Everything that had been white and snow covered was now green and vibrant. The sky was blue with fluffy white clouds and I felt wonderful. I remember I was singing a song. The only words I remember now are, “Fly with me!”

I lowered down back to the ground and flew over by the chicken (fear) coup. Still singing, I saw a wooden box with a tiny door. I opened it and saw a brown chicken inside. It poked its head out but wouldn’t come out. I left the lid open and eventually it did and flew away.

Across the fence I saw more of the area around my Mom’s house. I decided to investigate so began to lift up to go over the fence but there was another huge pine tree in my way. I pushed aside its branches and flew through the opening. Hovering in the air I saw some animals running across the clearing in the distance. I think one was a bird, like a egret or heron (self-reliance), and it had two deer (grace) with it.

I turned and faced the other way, continuing to sing. I remember thinking that in OBEs like this I was meant to pay attention and be shown what I needed to know. So I was very observant of my surroundings. I decided I wanted to fly higher up and so lifted up only to feel myself grabbed as if by a powerful force and pulled toward the back of the house. The speed at which this happened surprised me but I wasn’t afraid. Instead I laughed and enjoyed the feeling, allowing myself to be pulled faster and faster toward the trees in the distance. Ultimately, the speed was so fast my vision became a blur. I closed my eyes and felt myself return to my body.

Considerations and Music Messages 

I was surprised to have gone OOB but then it made sense because I had awakened and could not return to sleep straight away. The overall message seemed to be not to focus on what is in front of me but to take a higher perspective. In doing this, much of my fears will be released and I will find a greener, more positive view.

I vaguely recall talking with someone while I was in-between states. The overall feeling from this conversation was that I might be avoiding or rejection certain emotions and situations that bring about those emotions. I definitely remember saying to myself, as if my own guides, “Sometimes we make poor decisions.” This caught my attention but then, of course, I couldn’t recall the context of my words.

Some songs were going through my head at this time. Pieces of different songs came as if to create a longer message.

The first song – “Now I know that I did something wrong, cause I miss you….Yeah I miss you.”

The second song – “Don’t hang on. Nothing last forever but the Earth and sky.”

The last song – “And way down we go…”

There was space in between the songs, though, and conversation that filled in the missing pieces. The first song seemed like it came from someone else to me. The one after that seemed to be a warning or advice about how to handle certain situations. It related to the evacuation dream. I remember thinking how we come into life with nothing and we leave with nothing. The last song message felt like a warning of things to come like a preparation to go “deeper”.

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Dream: Watch

Feeling more like myself now. Whatever shift in energy was occurring seems to be abating. This is wonderful considering how upsetting last weekend was. I do not wish for a repeat of that!

Today has me somewhat reflective. Specifically, on my relationship with those of the water element astrologically. I want to ask a question of those of you whose astrological charts are primarily water – If you tend to take your time to communicate, either by going silent or just disappearing for a while – what is it you are going through during those times? What is going internally? What are you thinking and feeling?

The reason I ask this question is because when this has happened to me, meaning a water sign just disappeared or stopped communicating without any explanation or warning, it has seemed as if they are quite unemotional and distant. I wonder if they have any emotion at all. In fact, I’ve had thoughts that they must be especially cruel and mean to behave in such a way, especially if prior to this they were expressing how much they loved and cared about me. I often (usually) conclude that they are liars, and must have never cared about me to begin with. Thus, my relationships with water signs (male usually but sometimes female) have not lasted long. My father was a double Scorpio (sun/moon) and I have to say that was the longest relationship I’ve ever had with a water sign and it was only because I had to since he was my father. lol

My guess is that I am all wrong and that the water signs who have done this are retreating into a safe space, avoiding communication in order to avoid conflict and further upset. I understand that my tendency to be overly blunt and insensitive causes this response to me. I get it. But the lack of communication – the silent treatment – that is nearly unbearable! It’s not like I need an in-depth explanation of the inner workings of your soul. I just need some closure or something that tells me what I did. And I especially would like an opening to apologize. And I would like to think of you (water signs) as a someone who has feelings like me, rather than wooden and uncaring.

With all of that said, I am realizing that there is nothing at all wrong with me being like I am. I do not apologize for being intense and conflicted at times. I am proud that I can express my feelings, though I admit I can be rather blunt and overbearing. I am working on expressing myself in ways that do not intimidate or hurt the sensitive. Most times it is not intentional but when it is, I feel completely awful afterward.

Dream: Watch

I had an interesting dream this morning that, sadly, was interrupted by my son. I would have liked it to continue!

The dream began with me standing with two others and our boss. Me and a female coworker were being told the company was having to lay off the male who was standing behind us in the background. I protested saying, “Oh don’t do that! Can’t he take on some of my work? I would be happy to share hours with him. He is smart enough to do what I do, right?” My boss nodded her head and said, “You started at $10/hour, right?” and inferred that he would take a pay cut but she would allow him to take some of my duties. She got out some sticky notes and placed quite a few on paper. They were all blank and represented duties that were to be passed to this man.

Then I was guided into a crowded cave like structure. It could have been a basement or underground structure like a shelter of some sort. There were tons of people squished inside and all huddled up against the back. I remember walking in to join them and knowing they were all teachers like me. Everyone was in good spirits, discussing classes and regular school activities. It felt like we were going somewhere together, like on a trip. I recall talking to a few fellow teachers about items brought in. A watch was discussed and I saw a wrist watch floating mid-air in front of the person asking me about whether I remembered to bring it.

Around that same time the end of the cave-like structure lit up and a image was visible. It was as if I was flying over the image. A field came into view as did a road that was encircling it. The road moved from the middle to the edge of the field. There was another road on the right that led to a double fenced entrance with a small building at the entry point. I remember seeing the scene moving and exclaiming, “I know this place!” I then thought to myself, “It’s Montana and that road leads to Butte.”

I continued to fly but realized soon that I was not alone. The entire room was with me! I turned and saw that we were all gazing up at the screen, eyes fixed on the image. I saw a metal railing in front of me and grabbed on tight. As the screen moved I ducked under the railing and looked up at it. It pulled me in and I felt my entire body moving as if on a roller coaster.

Then I went with the group into a vehicle. It was as if we were being loaded onto a massive cargo plane or something but the scene showed a regular car. We were facing backwards, looking at the road behind us as we traveled forward into the unknown. The sensations continued as if on a roller coaster and I remember the anticipation as the speed increased and we seemed to angle upward.

The movement backward (or forward) increased and I recall seeing the road to “Butte” again and knowing where we were going. The shifting sensation intensified and then the car broke through soil and I was floating in front of it viewing the headlights as they poked through the dirt. The front of the car was beaten and battered as if it had been wrecked.

I noticed movement to my left and saw a bedraggled raccoon scurrying away. His hair was matted and stringy as if he had been through a flood and gotten soaked. I pointed at it and said, “There he is again!”

My son came in yelling, “Mommy!” and I woke with a start.

When I woke the song, “Afterlife” was going through my head.

Interpretation

It seems to me this dream represents a shift in consciousness and how it will relate to those of us who came here to help raise the vibration of Earth (starseeds). The beginning of the dream indicates that I am sharing a portion of my work with another. The job duties have yet to be assigned.

The entrance into the cave indicates a dark period. It could be that we have all been delving into some very deep, dark spaces. It is hard to say but the feeling was positive, as if we were all gathering to embark on a journey.

The “watch” portion seems to me to mean not only that I need to pay attention and watch the screen, but also Time as in a wrist watch. Upon recounting the dream it felt like we may be on a “watch”, as in waiting for something to happen.

Montana is symbolic for a spiritual destination or path. The fact that I saw fields rather than mountains is good and Butte is in the part of Montana that is not very mountainous (though there are some in the distance). It is also close to the Great Divide.

I find the most significant part of the dream being how we get on a truck (work) and seem to go backwards because we are looking behind us. Perhaps we have been doing a lot of that lately? Or maybe it is working on the past? In the end I see the headlights of a beaten up car breaking through the soil. This seems to me to be that we are about to break the surface. Into what exactly? It is hard to say but whatever work we have been doing is about to be behind us. The raccoon symbolizes a warning of treachery and deception. In the dream he is bedraggled and running away. My best guess is that we are about to view things as they are, taking off our masks and being truthful when in the past we may have been lying to ourselves (or been misled).

I say “our” because the dream seemed to be about a group more than me. It could have just been about me, though.

Other Things of Note

Two evenings ago after I had just settled into sleep and was dreaming happily, I had two odd incidences. Both times a young, thin, black man would “pop” into the dream as if trying to startled me. His face was always in a huge grin and he would have both arms and legs spread like a frog jumping across my line of sight. Both times I woke startled. The last time I mentally said, “That’s enough.” lol It stopped after that but not before I wondered WTF?

The other morning I woke up and saw the word, “Starseed” in big letters in my vision. It came with the message, “Don’t forget.”

I’ve been seeing 1111 and 111 quite a bit lately as well both in dreams and waking reality.

 

 

 

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Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

Though I feel a bit better after the weekend’s concerning emotional stir-up and I’ve settled some, the residuals of what happened are still there and coming occasionally to mind as I go through my day. The distraction of it has been interfering with my work. Yesterday I almost wired $45K by accident because I didn’t recognized a fraudulent email address. Thankfully, I caught it but not after a nice stomach drop of dread. Scattered does not go well with my job and I quickly got myself in line after that.

For the most part I find myself in a sort of split state again. There are two distinct versions of myself and both have different feelings, ideas, and thoughts. I am not sure if this is just me working through a past version of myself or what. Maybe this is a fractured aspect that needs to be integrated? The problem is that identifying that aspect can be difficult and I often get confused as to which desires are mine or hers….or maybe they are both of ours?

My guidance is not much help these days so I often rely on my dreams to bring insight (I wanted to write “incite” for some reason). Last night’s dreams are interesting.

Dream: Flooded Back Yard

In this dream the back of our house was filling with water. It started as a stream flowing off to the left that I was trying to divert because I knew a flood was coming. I had a shovel and was taking dirt and moving it to help the stream shift direction. I piled a bunch of dirt into a section to slow the flow.

When I turned to my right the water was rising quickly and my husband had thrown a net across a large pond that had formed. I could see various objects floating in the water – boxes, furniture and random things that should have been inside a house. He and my children were happily riding on top of the objects as if at a swimming pool but the water was swirling and moving, little eddies and whirlpools forming. It was also dark, almost black.

I remember feeling unable to do anything to stop the rising water. My family ignored my pleas for help and seemed to think it was all fun and games.

Dream: You Have to Stoke Your Fire

This dream began inside a Chinese restaurant. My mom was with me and I was ordering food for her. I could not decide what to get her because she was not cooperating and telling me what she wanted. So I opted to get her a chicken dish. When I turned to the table where she was sitting I saw she wasn’t eating it. I asked her why and she said, “I am never eating this again.” There was discussion about her getting a job as well. She was suppose to work at the restaurant but refusing, saying she would not be coming back.

Then I was inside a house that was abandoned. I knew it had been my sister and husband’s house. I stood inside a dimly lit room. It had white walls and no furnishings. The shadows made it look pretty eerie. In the corner I saw a 20 gallon fish aquarium sitting in front of a large window. It was completely empty. For some reason I decided to add water to it. When I did, the pump turned on suddenly and I thought, “They left the pump on all this time, even without water?”

I looked down at my feet and saw a small bowl full of water swimming with all kinds of fish. I thought it weird that my sister would just leave them there with no oxygen or food. I took the bowl and dumped it into the 20 gallon aquarium. The fish began to swim about happily. There were all colors and shapes.

Suddenly a large creature flew in through the window, landed in the tank and began devouring all the fish. It was as large as the opening of the tank! I realized it was a massive house fly and frantically tried to find a way to get it out of there. I picked up a container of some kind of spray and began to spray it. I could see its back and wings – iridescent green. The spray annoyed it and it flew away. I remember freaking out a bit because of how massive it was and relieved that it did not fly toward me.

There was a mini-dream inserted here where all the fish transformed into poultry that had escaped from a pen. I gathered up three small, feathered chicks and moved them to safety.

Back in the house I began to walk the perimeter of the house and lock all the doors. I knew I would be staying the night and felt uneasy there. The house was large with a screened in porch around the entire perimeter. So I had to lock the doors on the porch and the house.

I remember coming to a set of double doors leading to the porch. I shut them and flipped the lock but the doors would not stay closed and flew open. Out of nowhere a man approached and said, “Let me help you with that.” He had me close the doors and inserted a finger in between the doors and latched them from the inside. They stayed closed and locked and I was grateful.

I continued walking and checking all the doors. The entire time I was thinking of how I was going to spend the night there all alone. The feeling was similar to how I use to feel when left home alone during the evening hours – unsafe.

I happened to look up and saw a woman standing beside a large, black kiln (for lack of a better description). She looked at me very seriously and said, “You have to stoke your fire or it is going to go out.” She was taking a long stick or pole and pushing it through the coals as the flames burst up, orange and yellow, making her face appear ashen and a bit evil. I did not recognize the woman and my dream memory is obscured. Her hair was long and black and she was wearing a dress that appeared gray and from another time. She resembled a witch standing over her cauldron only she was standing over a large fire. She was on a second level in the house, like an attic only it had no stairs, no walls, just a floor higher than the main level.

Messages

I woke suddenly from my dream and kept shifting in and out of the in-between. I kept catching myself talking to someone. Odd thoughts kept surfacing that made no sense. There was a warmth in my chest that eventually kept me awake. It was comforting but my reaction was conflicted – yes, fall into it or no, resist it. All the conflict within seemed present in my chest. I remember hearing, “All you have to do is follow your heart.” But I panicked because my heart was telling me to follow the feeling. It said, “Stoke your fire” which brought about fear of a return of the decimated feeling, a fear of everything that I am being destroyed. So I would retract and then be pulled back toward the feeling over and over, my heart very obviously saying one thing and my mind another.

A verse from a song was going through my mind, “Wait, if I’m on fire, how am I so deep in love? When I dream of dying, I never feel so loved.”

Interpretation

The first dream about the flood is most likely a fear dream. Water is emotion. Floods are overwhelm of emotion – emotional turmoil. I try to stop it but am unsuccessful. My family seems oblivious and the objects floating in the water are from the house indicating a disruption there which could be family or at the soul level.

The second dream is odd. My mom – aspect of me – is not being cooperative. She refuses to eat her chicken, which symbolizes fear. She also refuses to go to work.

The abandoned house is symbolic of a soul aspect that has been abandoned or ignored for too long. Fish aquariums represents desire of emotional freedom or for a spontaneous, unplanned and natural way of life. I add water and it comes to life meaning I allow myself to feel this feeling and recognize what it means. The fish are ideas, hopes, dreams – all very positive. The giant fly represents a threat or danger that is present. So something is threatening my hopes and dreams.

The chicks appear here. They can represent good things coming or could be a spin again on fear and cowardice.

The locking doors is my attempt to feel safe. The door that doesn’t lock indicates a difficult lesson. I received help from a man so assistance is provided.

The final part of the dream is what stood out the most. The woman stoking a fire and the message she gives indicate that I need to tend to my inner fire. This could be Kundalini or desire – probably both. The witch woman is probably an aspect of me, one I feel is “bad” in some way. The song that came when I awoke also speaks of fire and of death. The feeling I get from the song is that death is not a bad thing, especially if its death by love. 🙂

 

 

 

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A Rough Weekend

The weekend brought a shift in energy for me and along with it a departure from the more calm and balanced state I had been in for the preceding weeks. Saturday, July 20th, was a struggle specifically. I’m not sure what was going on energetically that day, but it manifested in both emotional and physical symptoms for me.

This is what I wrote in my personal blog on the 20th:

I’ve been noticing some under the surface feelings. It is like another me is there and I am picking up on her thoughts and feelings. She is constantly worrying and she is miserable. I try to block her out because listening to her brings the thoughts and feelings to the surface and I begin to take them on. I feel like I need to acknowledge them without becoming them but it is hard to do. The person feeling and thinking these things is completely done with life. Is she me? Am I suppressing her to the point that it is creating this overflow? Or is this something else?

The other day I felt like I was overstimulated by my environment. Everything was too much. It only lasted about 10 minutes but the feeling was that I needed to be somewhere without any electronics or cars or busy-ness. The overwhelm from this resulted in physical symptoms that are hard to describe. It is like I want to get out of my own skin. Like my own body and senses are all wrong.

At work I was feeling the overwhelm the other day. I tried to distract myself from the feeling. I ate my lunch and felt at any moment I would leave my body/pass out. I felt ill inside a little. There was a feeling that was all wrong. I don’t know if it was physical or spiritual or both. It passed but it worried me.

The panic inside is ridiculous. I have thoughts that I will die at any time. I have thoughts that bad things will happen. I feel unsafe. I feel completely vulnerable, exposed and alone.

The specific experiences on the 20th were tough to ride out because my daughter had a friend over and I had agreed to drive 30 minutes to pick her up. Despite scheduling the trip early enough to miss rush hour traffic I still encountered heavy traffic. It took all I could muster to stay calm and focused on the drive. Thoughts kept coming up that seemed to be from another me and I had to work very hard to avoid becoming the effect of them. The thoughts varied and I can’t recall the specifics of them now but they were riddled with anxiety and apathy.

Throughout the day and into the night the thoughts and feelings continued to surface. Tears were unavoidable but I was able to silently suffer through it for the sake of my daughter and her friend. I was more quiet that day than usual, very subdued compared to how I normally am.

Looking back I am surprised I held it together so well because on the inside I was really struggling. There were brief periods of time when I would be hit with this intense desire to die that kept me on alert because of how strong the desire was to immediately find a way, any way, to end my life. The feeling was just shy of impulsive and internally I held on with both hands to avoid losing myself to it. The feeling was so real. My stomach sank to my knees and I began to wonder if I needed immediate psychological assistance. I remember thinking, “This must be what people with Major Depressive Disorder go through, only for much longer periods. I hope that isn’t me. If this continues I will have to get help.” This thought came with fear and a certainty that a part of me had a serious death wish.

Then there was the disassociation with my life that would come and go. I saw this life I am living as not my own and the life I should be living was just within reach only I could not get there. At the time I rationalized it as a my response to memory – memory that far exceeds this lifetime. I remember thinking, “This must be why we forget our past lives when we enter a new one.” If I identify very strongly with a past life (or lifetimes) and remember it in my current life then the very feelings I was having would result, especially if it happens to be with someone I have strong soul ties to.

It seemed that I was struggling with two very real versions of myself the entire day. The emotions were raw and hard to experience, but I somehow made it though. It left me wishing that I could turn back time and undo all that this spiritual path has brought me. The Knowing, the Remembering, the soul connections, the Kundalini – all of it has obviously taken its toll.

That night I somehow managed to sleep, but it took a while because my daughter and her friend were up well past midnight. I had a dream which I wrote in my personal journal:

Dream: Picking Cherries

The dream began with me driving my children to a house in the country. It was still dark outside and I could see the road by the light of the moon. Everything where we were going had gone through a freeze (some emotion has been frozen) so there was frost on the grass and everything.

We arrived at a house and the kids went wild running about. They went in the back yard and found a bush or tree and picked what looked like two strawberries and a handful of cherries without stems. They called the fruit something else and I immediately realized we had come way too early to the house and would likely wake the woman who lived there and took care of the kids. I began to try and quietly get them all together to leave but as I was walking toward the back door, which was wide open (door to subconscious is open), the lady of the house woke.

She told me it was okay if we stayed but to only stay the amount of time we usually do and that I would pay as usual, too.

There was discussion about the fruit. She told me they were cherries (pleasure or challenges that give me mixed feelings) and they ripened early. There was another tree nearby covered in fruit and she came with some branches to try and hide it from the kids. She did not want all of it eaten.

The dream got odd then because I recall a man arriving that I was to marry. I think I was also a man so we were two men but then I felt like a woman so it is confusing. As we went to the front of the house near a window I remember saying that I needed to delay saying “yes” and he agreed. So, we didn’t marry then but were engaged. Then he began acting odd, jumping around and being overly excited. In the dream it was like he was doing gymnastics (trying to deal with conflicting problem). I remember saying to the old woman, “Typical man” or something like that.

There is a fuzzy memory of seeing a handprint (union) outlined on the frost on a window. It was the man’s print and I placed my smaller hand inside. It felt significant.

Message

When I woke I was feeling sad and thinking of how I felt before bed. I asked if I was going to go through another Ego death or if there would be another walk-in. It felt likely but it didn’t make me feel any better about the death wish that seemed to arise out a certain soul connection. A guide said to me, “Maybe it (the emotion/memory) is yours and it needs to be felt” or similar wording. The considerations of jumping back into the decimated feeling is not an idea I enjoy.

The song Hello was going through my mind – “I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you do. Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone loving you?”

The last thing I remember is seeing a large meatball which represents recognition, straightforwardness and solace.

The next day (Sunday) I felt a bit better despite feeling a strong sense of conclusion or endings as I woke. There are times when things get really confusing on this journey and I want desperately to just erase everything that occurred before and start anew. This was one of those times. I had even decided to write a blog post called, “The End” because of how I felt when I woke, but as the day progressed the feeling subsided.

Toward the evening hour I finally felt the reassuring energy of my guidance. It came through as if being hugged and reassured. My entire body relaxes and I feel immediate relief. There is so much tension – mental, emotional and physical – I hold and to feel it release, even if just for a moment, is wonderful. The message that came through as always was that I do not have to be that way (tense and always on alert).

At night I couldn’t sleep because both my ears were ringing especially loudly and the sound was keeping me awake. I normally wear earplugs and so I removed them but the sound did not go away. It was as if I had just attended a live concert and exposed my ears to very high decibels resulting in a persistent ringing as my ears adjusted. As the hour grew later and later without the sound letting up I began to worry that sound would never stop. I fell asleep somehow and when I woke the sound was gone but now both my ears feel weird. They don’t hurt but feel odd.

The ear ringing continues to bother me and I researched it this morning to try and make sense of it. I was led to a condition called Meniere’s Disease. It turns out that many of the symptoms are similar to what I have been experiencing for some time – fluctuations in hearing, ear ringing (on and off), anxiety, nausea and heart speed-up’s among a few.  I have an uncle on my dad’s side of the family who has hearing loss in one ear. I have not asked him yet what the cause was/is. If I continue to have long episodes of ear ringing I may ask him but it could just be some freak ascension symptom for all I know.

Today I am feeling okay despite the crazy weekend. I don’t necessarily fear the return of the “death wish” thoughts and feelings but they are worrisome for the intensity of the impulse to do something irrational that accompanies them. I don’t like feeling on the verge of breaking – mentally or otherwise. A pill to make it all go away sounds really nice but then I know those solutions are only temporary. With my husband out of state once again, I am pretty much on my own right now so hopefully there will not be more incidences anytime soon.

 

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Update and Dream: Hippies

It’s been a while since I’ve written so I thought I would post a quick update and recent dream.

For over over 2 weeks I’ve been experiencing mild insomnia in the form of not being able to fall asleep until well after midnight. Some nights I sleep okay, others not well at all and then there are times I sleep very deeply. Thankfully I am able to sleep past 8am most mornings thanks to it being summer and my work schedule, which helps. The insomnia is not upsetting, really. I suspect my body is just not tired and the energy this month is a likely contributor as well.

Along with my sleep issues I’ve shifted back into a very balanced and calm state where my mind is more quiet and my mood is stable. I still have upsets here and there, of course, but I don’t tend to dwell on the negative. All in all, I seem to have slipped into a state of acceptance and appreciation for what I have. This I did without really putting forth any effort other than making the decision to stop resisting and surrender.

Work is going well. I am still able to work from home half the week, which is the best part of it by far, and tomorrow is my 1 year work anniversary. Can you believe it? Back in 2016 with all the ascension shifts I was experiencing I purposefully left work and stayed home because of the overwhelm of being around people. It was what was best for me at the time but it felt like I would never be able to confront going back to work. It was just too overwhelming with my sensitivities to energy being as they were. Yet here I am, 1 whole year of working full-time, and handling the transition back into society (lol) like a champ.

It wasn’t/isn’t without struggle, though. I occasionally experience physical pain and ick/sick from others’ energy. I call it “energy sick” for lack of a better description. Normally it happens when someone is talking to me. The only way to describe it is painful, like an energetic dissonance felt within my energy body that can make me feel faint and sick to my stomach. I also have anxiety/panic attacks, though those have decreased tremendously. I have limited my caffeine intake to one cup of half-caffeine coffee a day and cut out alcohol and other crutches that seemed to increase my sensitivity. I have added a more consistent yoga practice, to include Kundalini yoga (when needed), and have been setting personal fitness goals and sticking to them.

Dreams

My dreams lately are pointing at some inner healing work being done. I’ve been seeing a guide that resembles a guide I met a long time ago in an OBE who I believe I called “Chris”. He has dark hair that is around shoulder length, a very prominent nose, and muscular build. His purpose seems to be to counsel me on my avoidance of the Kundalini energy, specifically the intense sexual desire and arousal that can sometimes accompany it. Last night I spoke with him quite a bit in dreamtime about just this topic.

Dream: Hippies

The dream began at a very large estate. I was inside a mansion with my mother who asked me to mow the yard, specifically saying, “It’s time you helped out around here.” I went outside and noticed construction of various pools and concrete paths. I saw how extensive the grounds were and how much mowing it would mean and thought, “How am I suppose to mow all this?” So rather than mowing I followed the pathways as if on an ATV only I was flying close to the ground.

The flying felt amazing and I was yelling in delight as if on a roller coaster. I was also talking to someone as I traveled, commenting on what I was seeing as we approached a sidewalk intersection (lol) that resembled a miniature highway intersection. I slowed as I got to a section where water was flowing across the sidewalk and construction crew in hard hats was busy putting in more sidewalk. I remember asking my friend, “Which way now?” I saw the water flowing under an overpass to my right as I asked, “Straight or right?” At the time I was splashing in the water a bit and wanted to follow the stream as if on a water ride.

We ended up going straight but I do not recall the traveling. Instead I was taken by my friend to an RV. Inside was a group of people who reminded me of hippies from the 60’s a little. My friend was visible – the guide I mentioned above – and he introduced me to the group and asked me if I wanted to stay and smoke a drug of some sort with them. I was hesitant and said, “Oh no. Anything that is smoked in a pipe is going to be too much.” He asked me, “What do you mean?” I replied that the drug would likely bring out parts of me that were not very nice, specifically giving the example of someone who took pleasure in hurting others and causing harm/pain. I gave an example of hurting animals and said, “I don’t like that part of me.” In the dream there was memory of hurting an animal but I cannot recall the specifics of it now, only that it felt good to this part of me and that sickened me.

The drug was brought out and I was participating. I was persuaded to give it a try but I was hesitant. I don’t remember actually smoking the drug. Instead I recall being closer with the group and playing a game of some kind. The game felt conflicted – like good and bad at the same time. What I recall most vividly was that I was being touched as if by many hands. I remember saying to someone, “Don’t do that.” The sense was that if I participated in this “game” that I was being “bad”.

I woke before the feelings manifested completely and my guide was close asking me questions to get me to think about why I reacted the way I did. There was a residual sense of feeling a very strong magnetic attraction but it was faint.

Mini-Dream

The conversation with my guide this morning was short-lived because I was so tired that I shifted into the in-between and lost memory of what was said. I recall having a mini-dream of being in my bed, just waking and groggy, and attempting to put on my contacts while still in bed. There was little light and I dropped the lens. I attempted to find it but couldn’t see well and remember not caring and thinking, “I can just get another one.”

Interpretation

My interpretation of the dream with the gypsies is that I am being asked to participate and do my part. This could be part of my greater mission or just my own path in this lifetime, or both. The sidewalk I travel has to do with my life path but it is a “safe” path, one where I am more confident and sure of my own success. The construction zones are areas where work is being done. The fact that the construction is at an intersection of other paths could indicate a decision is coming where I can go right or straight. My guess is that going right has to do with enjoyment, emotion and intuition since it is related to the flowing water. Straight is continuing on the path I am already on.

The group of hippies in the dream is about a path I would be taking if there were no self-imposed restraints of limitations. It can represent that path I want or desire to take but am not taking for various reasons (fear, uncertainty). The RV has to do with self-confidence and ability to adapt to change. The drug is likely something I see as temptation. Similar to a drug it has consequences, the tendency to bring up in me things I do not wish to confront, specifically dark aspects that I am aware of and do not like. I link this darker side to the positive feelings from the drug.

The mini-dream indicates I recognize that I am choosing not to see. I attempt to see but do not mind when I lose the ability since I can get it back whenever I choose. The groggy feeling indicates unconsciousness or unawareness.

The result of the dreams and conversation with my guide this morning was that I prefer to continue to do this work in my dreams for the time being. However, based upon his insistence I suspect he will not give up anytime soon. It feels like he wants me to face this head on.