Tag Archives: drug addiction

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The Sad Truth and Worrisome Dream

Yesterday we went to my mom’s for a visit and to celebrate my birthday early. When we arrived, my sister and her husband and child were there. I was not happy about this. Why? Because I need to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for an encounter with her and her family and wasn’t given the chance to do so. Plus, I was hoping to enjoy my time with my mom as part of my birthday celebration even though my birthday isn’t until next week. Family dynamics are very different when you add my sister and her husband to the mix. Sometime my BIL/cousin is in such a nasty mood that it makes all of us feel on edge. His energy can be toxic. Also, my nephew is hyperactive and his energy is difficult for me to be around. My sister is usually not an issue but I often resist seeing her because past experiences have only led me to the conclusion that she is unwell, depressed and still using Meth. 

The visit was okay but I got a tension headache towards the end, an indicator of stress.

I learned that my sister had arrived early and unexpectedly to wash a lot of laundry. There were heaps of dirty clothes at the front door when I got there. She also had given my mom her typical sob story about how she and her family are broke despite getting stimulus checks and selling the RV my mom had bought them. My sister explained that the money they got from the government was very little because they deducted back child support along with back taxes (which they should!). Of course, their truck (I’ve lost count of how many cars they’ve had now) is not doing well and is a gas hog, my cousin/BIL is struggling to find work – the list goes on. My mom was sad to hear they had sold the RV for only $1000 when she had paid $5K for it. They had not kept up repairs on it and it had so many issues that they had difficulty finding a buyer for it. Their new RV is smaller and can be hitched to a pickup without a special attachment but has less room and no washer/dryer like the old one. They used their stimulus money to buy it and the truck they have now. They had purchased an SUV with the money before the truck but did not maintain it and it couldn’t afford to repair it. Sigh. Currently they are struggling to find a place to park their new RV home. They have jumped from free campground to free campground all summer and are at a place where they have to pay $100/mo but, of course, are being forced to move because they aren’t paying. 

They asked my mom if they could park their RV there because they saw there were RV hookups at the spiritual retreat my mom and step-dad created. The answer was “no” because the last time they stayed there they wouldn’t leave and they created all kinds of problems (having their drug dealer come out to the land, fighting with my step-dad, being confrontational, not working, sleeping all day, and just not keeping their end of the agreement). 

Thankfully my nephew played with my sons happily the entire time and my BIL stayed away and did not spew his nastiness everywhere. My sister did the laundry and wouldn’t swim because she was embarrassed by all the sores on her body (Meth side-effects). When my husband asked if she was still using she flinched and said, “No.” My husband believes she was telling a half-truth, meaning that her “no” was that she wasn’t using today or in that moment but has been. I agree with my husband. Those sores are not “allergies”, they are proof of her drug use. 

I struggle not to give my sister money when I see her. I know she will misuse the money and maybe even buy drugs but I do want her to live better and know I can help. But I have learned it is not good for her to enable her bad decisions with handouts. My sister refuses to work despite being totally capable. She can’t work in her desired field – teacher – and her options are limited but she could find work if she tried. House cleaning is one that comes to mind. She thinks it below her to work low paying jobs. Instead, she puts all the pressure on her husband who has the same criminal background issues as she does. He does find work, often, but usually quits before he gets to the 6mo mark. He hates that they take child support and back taxes out of his already tiny paycheck. 

My recent dream about my sister doesn’t give me hope for her. In the dream I found her naked, curled up in the fetal position with a tiny towel placed over her for warmth. When I tried to get her to get up and come with me, to leave the horrid place I found her in, she refused. She basically said that she had given up and decided it is better to stay high than to confront her life. She preferred the pretend world of drugs to the real world. I began to cry slow, sad tears as I walked away. I knew she had made her choice and that I could do nothing for her.  

Similarly, I had a dream about my mom recently that caused me to wake in tears.

Dream from July 30:

I was outside. A large tree or wooden pole was in the center. Chairs were attached that swiveled around the tree. I was in one and a man was in another. I remember the chairs moving like the solar system around the tree and I could see the man across from me moving in sync with me. We were served Indian (Hindu) cuisine. Then, I remember suddenly knowing that my mom died choking on food. I saw her standing in front of me. She got a shocked look on her face and then she just fell in a heap on the ground. Someone said, “She’s dead.” 

I ended up at my mom’s house and she was there as a ghost. We were talking and I was upset about her death. I remember seeing the answering machine had one message. I played it but it was all static and hard to make out. I remember wondering if anyone knew she had died. I told her what I had witnessed, how she was eating food and just fell over, dead. I was beside myself with upset and recalling all my times in this life with my mom, memories flashing in front of me. I also remember thinking she was too young, only 54 (she is 72 now). At one point I saw stairs going up but there are not stairs in the house. She said, “Maybe they will be added?” I thought it may happen. Then, I was crying and hugging her and saying, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost one parent! I don’t know what to do. What do I do now?” My mom hugged and consoled me and a voice whispered, “She isn’t dead.” I suddenly realized maybe she was alive because she was there with me. I touched her and she was solid and I said with relief, “You’re alive!” She said, “Yes I am.” I cried tears of relief, sobbing into her shoulder and woke up. 

When I returned to sleep the same scenario occurred – my mom died from choking on Brussel sprouts this time. I was in the house crying again and my mom’s “ghost” was there. This time I was in my mom’s closet and the attic door was opened and stairs came down. My sister descended the ladder and I had a conversation with her and my mom about my mom’s will and how it couldn’t be changed. I began to try and help my sister by teaching her about “start, change, stop”, explaining how it could help her in life. I explained that she could “change” or “stop” anything, especially her drug use but other things, also. She said, “I don’t need help with relationships.” I reminded her it could help in other areas. Eventually I realized my mom hadn’t died because yet again a voice said, “She isn’t dead.” I said, “So she isn’t dead? She’s alive?” It was as if I had no clue despite having already had a similar dream! 

When I woke I was crying again and perplexed. Why did I have a second dream where the same thing happened? Was it a warning dream? Could my mom be in danger?

I told my mom about my dream and she confirmed that lately she has had trouble swallowing and goes into choking fits that can make her feel like she is going to pass out. Her heart speeds up, she gets panicked and the fits go on a long time. She has them about once a week, maybe less. Alarmed, I urged her to see the doctor. I hope she will. It is just too “coincidental” that I would dream of her choking twice in one night only to discover she has been struggling with choking on food and water!!

My dream was likely part anxiety and part warning. I often pick up on things happening with my mom, so it is not a surprise that I would pick up on her choking issues. The upset it caused me was severe. I was inconsolable to the point that my guide had to tell me it wasn’t real – twice. It gives me an idea of how my mom’s death may affect me. Ugh. I do think of her as my safe place/person. Life won’t be the same without her.

Dysphagia is a possible diagnosis. My mom’s isn’t severe (thankfully) but she should be checked out so that they can rule out certain causes. Dysphagia isn’t uncommon with the elderly but could become worse over time. My mom told me that she is already changing the way she eats and drinks for fear of choking. She says she holds liquids in her mouth before swallowing now, especially coffee. She is being very careful, but still it is worrisome.

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Dream: You are Beautiful

I’ll start with the good news. Yesterday I got to see my brother for the first time in about two years. He flew in from Arizona, my Mom and step-dad picked him up and they had a late lunch with me and my husband. Then we ended up back at our house to catch up for a while. It was nice! My brother doesn’t fly back until this Friday. 🙂

Now the not-so-good news. Since my last post quite a bit has happened.

The heart hospital scheduled my sister’s surgery for this morning at 8am. We were all relieved that she would finally have the help she needed. My brother, who is in the Air Force, got a special leave granted to be here for her surgery.

Last night my Mom told me that my sister’s husband told her there might be an issue with their insurance, which is Medicaid. When I heard this I asked my Mom to clarify the date and time of surgery – Who told her? Had it been confirmed by the hospital? She asked me, Why so many questions? and I said it was not like a hospital to confirm surgery without first checking on a payment guarantee, especially a surgery that would cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.

This morning I found out via FB that the surgery was cancelled. My step-dad later texted and said the hospital is “working to get insurance issues resolved.”

I have no idea what will happen next. My guess, though, is if insurance issues are not resolved then her husband will take my sister to another hospital to see if he can get them to do the surgery. If he is smart he will check if they accept their insurance first. I doubt the heart hospital will keep her much longer now that they know there will be no payment. Maybe they will transfer her? Hopefully.

The other bad news…. When I first spoke to my Mom on the phone yesterday she was quite upset. My BIL asked her to drop my nephew with his mother. When my Mom did this she confided in my BIL’s mother that she was frustrated with the Meth use by both her son-in-law and my sister. Then she told them, “IF they continue to use Meth I will take them to court to get custody of him [her grandson].”

My Mom thought my BIL’s mom was trustworthy.

Within an hour or so my Mom received a phone call from my sister. She yelled at my Mom and threatened to take her son and “vanish”. I don’t know the specifics but whatever my sister said really upset my Mom to the point that she was stumbling over the words on the phone. The call got dropped and so I waited until I saw her to get the rest of the information.

Turns out my Mom got a text from my BIL attacking her and calling her a “demon” and also threatened to disappear with their son. He specifically told her he knew people that could give them fake IDs and help them disappear.

My guess is that my BILs Mom left out the “If” part and just told them my Mom was going to take their son. Sigh. People can be so stupid. Why tell a sick – dying – woman that her son may be taken away?? The only point of doing that is to create drama and upset people.

I reassured my Mom that the threats were hollow. They can’t afford to disappear. All their contacts are in this area and with my sister being sick and recovering it is too risky. I advised her to call my sister and sort it out. My Mom calmed down and apparently did call, thus discovering the cancelled surgery.

Sadly, they have kept their son from my Mom before as a means of getting revenge for one thing or another. They know how much my Mom loves her grandson and so use it to their advantage. It is very sad.

Dream: You are Beautiful

As a result of all this continued stress I am not sleeping well again. This morning I had a dream that brought me to tears.

I was with a group of kids. One of them reminded me of my best friend from high school. We went out at night. I don’t know what our purpose was but it felt like we were sneaking around. 9pm was a time that kept being repeated. People were telling my friend, “Good luck at 9!” She asked me what it meant. I didn’t know.

We ended up in a cemetery. We got to a fence and I began to climb it when I heard sirens. I said to my friend, “The police are coming. We need to leave.” She said, “There’s no one here.” My foot was caught and I struggled to get it out as a police car approached. We hid but were soon discovered.

I remember a little boy was with us and somehow he ended up being targeted by one of the officers. He was molested. 😦

The dream gets hazy but I remember standing up to the officer and calling him out. I spoke to him for a while telling him he needed to do something before he hurt another child. I went over ideas of how he could prevent future incidents. I also helped the boy, guarding him from further molestation.

Then the boy morphed into a young girl. She went into the arms of a woman who felt like a caretaker. I went up to the girl and told her that if anyone ever touched her that way again to immediately scream and tell someone. The girl hugged her caretaker and the caretaker opened her arms to me. I hugged them both and said, “Remember, no matter what, you are beautiful.”

When I said this I began to sob and the caretaker hugged me tight. I felt deeply all the atrocities the girl and boy had gone through. It felt like I was feeling the pain of all similar experiences on Earth. It was heart-breaking. But most of all it was unfair.

My tears woke me up.

Considerations

When I woke I couldn’t help but think of how my BIL had recently told my husband of his own sexual abuse as a child. The abuse was by a male cousin who had taken advantage of him.

My sister also was also molested as a child.

I knew that child sexual abuse often results in the victim having a difficult adult life. For example, my Mom’s cousin, who I remember meeting when I was around 10 years old, had been molested by a male cousin. He ended up liking men and eventually contracting HIV and getting full-blown AIDS. I recall seeing him toward the end of his life and noting how the once attractive and vibrant man was just a shell of his former self. His entire life had been altered from his childhood trauma.

It was obvious to me that my sister and BIL/cousin’s lives had been altered in a similar fashion. Neither has fully confronted their abuse. My sister chooses to blame my Mom and use her past as a crutch and excuse for her behavior. I don’t know much about my cousin but likely he is doing the same.

I also realized that whether my sister chooses to live or die is HER choice. If she chooses to live it will be tough and she will have to choose recovery – which is terrifying to her – or avoidance. Choosing recovery also means choosing her son. I hope she has the strength and courage to take the high road….that is if she gets the option.

I feel like my dream was also about my own past lives, those in which I had been both the victim and the perpetrator. In the dream not only did I advise the molesting man but also both victims – male and female. I have recalled several past lives full of sexual abuse and know there are many others I have yet to recall. My advice to my dream child self was to always remember that I am beautiful. It reveals to me just how devastating such trauma can be to a person’s self-esteem/self-love. The perpetrator also suffers from similar feelings. No one is spared.

It seems to me like I am recognizing my sister and BIL’s plight as part of my own. I am relating to them via my own past experiences but also via the Collective. When one can do this, judgement falls away and love and compassion takes over.

Now I just wait to see what path my sister will choose. I stand in observance with love and compassion in my heart, supporting my family as they need me.