Tag Archives: family

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Therapy Revelations – Disorganized Attachment Style

I’ve had four sessions now. I find my sessions revelatory, not because of what my therapist says or asks but because of my responses. As a Self-Projected Projector my voice is my superpower. This last session I brought up my relationship with my mother when my therapist asked a few probing questions.

I usually need a couple of days to process my therapy sessions, sometimes longer. My therapist left me with some questions to ponder this time. Specifically she asked me to consider the injustice I felt both in childhood and am currently feeling with my failed marriage. She asked if I thought I could let go of that perceived injustice. She also asked me to consider why I felt I was a failure and why I tend to wait until I fail before I ask for help.

In considering her questions to me, I got to thinking a bit about attachment style because it seems to play a major role in my romantic relationships. I took the attachment style test a while back and I am disorganized attachment (fearful-avoidant) which is defined by the person’s strong desire to be close to someone but also a fear of getting close. About a year ago I did research into attachment style but really didn’t dive deep into it because it didn’t seem relevant. However, after yesterday’s session and a question by my therapist specifically asking me about my parents and if I felt safe with them, it became clear that my overall feeling of not being safe in life developed in my childhood and has been plaguing me since then. 

This attachment style developed mainly from my relationship with my mother but my father also played a role in it, of course. My mother was “hot and cold” with me. One minute she would be smiling, receptive and encouraging of love, hugs, snuggles and the next she would be upset or angry, yelling, or rejecting my attempts to hug, snuggle or love her. She also use to mock and humiliate me when she punished me and my siblings often even inviting my other siblings in to make fun of me or help punish me. For example, she had my older sister hold me down over the toilet bowl as she literally put soap in my mouth to “wash my mouth” of the bad word I said. Some of her behavior was also traumatic. For example, she use to threatened to leave me on the side of the road when we were driving in the middle of nowhere often pulling over and even opening the door. Other times she would threatened to leave me at the “all girls school” which was for “bad” girls like me. I remember feeling absolutely terrified of these things happening (I was very little, like 4-7yrs old). This creates a situation in a child where there is “fright without solution”. 

My father would often laugh when he punished us, especially if he was spanking us. He also threatened to not take me home during my visitation time with him. I usually didn’t want to visit him during his time with me but was forced to by my mom because the courts said she had to make me. He was really only this way during their divorce that I can recall. Prior to that I favored my father and would’ve called myself a daddy’s girl. Oh how I love him! I have fond memories of helping him work on his cars, him teaching me to ride my bike, and snuggling with him in bed early in the morning on school days. When he became his angry, vengeful self during the divorce, I watched the daddy I use to love turn into someone I was scared to be around.

My attachment style developed out of a push-pull dynamic around love. I want it desperately but I am also afraid of it because the love I grew up with was unsafe and unpredictable. This explains why I reacted how I did when I first experienced the Kundalini. It also explains why I have been told by many how I seem like “two different people”. I am this way in friendships and romantic relationships, always keeping a safe distance just “in case”. 

My ex is anxious attachment, I have no doubt. He got so desperate when I would withdraw that he resorted to coercion and other abusive tactics. Of course, my response would be to try and get as far away from him as I could, which I ultimately did with the divorce. I don’t know about my first husband. I think he may have been secure attachment because he always responded to my fearful avoidance with patience and acceptance. I also think he was secure attachment because I often found being with him “boring”, which I have since learned is a typical consideration of insecure attachment styles to attached individuals. Ha!

Once we recognize our attachment style we can use that awareness to recognize when we are acting out patterns that no longer help us. The fear I feel when I get “too close” is noticeable, always has been, and I have always acted on it. I think sometimes it was justifiable but many times it was not. I remember struggling in my first marriage because he was gone a long time. I had difficulty adjusting first to him leaving and then to him returning. I would get very avoidant and grumpy whenever he returned from his weeks long work assignments. He was always able to help me through it, though, and never made me wrong for being how I was. In my second marriage there was no help in adjusting whatsoever. Instead, my ex would panic and come on stronger, forcing hugs and closeness, and pointing out my flaws to make me feel shame for being how I was. There was no patience or acceptance of where my behaviors might have been coming from. He took it all very personally as if I was rejecting him or trying to be mean. The more I “rejected” him, the more coercive he became, the more I withdrew or reacted negatively and the cycle just continued and escalated to the point of becoming abusive. 

We were two wounded children acting out. That is it.  

I also notice that I tend to choose partners who work a lot and/or are gone a lot. This selection process happens subconsciously, of course. When my partner is around me for extended lengths of time I can get annoyed and agitated just because they are there. I often justify these feelings but honestly there is never a reason that makes sense.

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Intellectualization

The energy of this new year feels really mental or, rather, thoughtful to me. Contemplative. I think it may be the lingering effects of the Cancer full moon. Reflecting on the past, especially related to family and relationships, is part of Cancer’s emotional energy. And that is what I have been doing. I couldn’t sleep because of it. My mind keeps trying to figure everything out, make sense of things.

My mind intellectualizes things in order to try to mitigate uncomfortable feelings I was taught to suppress as a child. Apparently this is a typical strategy adults like me use because it helped us cope as children. Imagine not being able to express certain emotions, being punished for expressing them and being put into your room in isolation to face them alone. It forces a person into their head. This is especially true for intelligent people. I was considered near genius level as a child with an IQ of 148. I learned recently that therapy seldom works with people like me because we are well aware of our patterns and why we are the way we are. If the therapist notices someone intellectualizes then they can teach them how to get out of the head and into the body to feel the emotion. I think that is what I need.

Anyway, I wondered about some things, looked deeper and caught a belief that might be inhibiting me. I have a belief that my ex is good and has good intentions so he couldn’t have been trying to control and manipulate me all along. I wondered if perhaps I was wrong and then all sorts of memory flooded my mind to prove that perhaps I am wrong and my ex did always have malintent. 

I had to write it in my phone notes to get to sleep. This is what I recalled:

My ex took my vulnerability and used it against me. He did this from the very beginning.

For example, he told my sister (the meth addict) when he was trying to fix the relationship between her, her husband and my mom, step-dad and I (and rest of the family). In this particular instance he was talking about my relationship with her. He told her he thought I was jealous of her and competing with her for our mom’s love. He confessed this to me, almost as if he was gloating about it, saying he did this to get her into ARC (Scientology term – Affinity,  Reality, Communication) with him. This just means he wanted her to think he shared her reality with him (form of manipulation). What he did was upsetting to me and I told him so and forbad him interfering anymore. I told him he was intentionally “stirring the pot” and it was not helpful. He denied it. I had told him about my early childhood issues with my sister in confidence. It was me saying “I can see I was like this as a child” but it was never meant to be used in the way it was.

Another example, when we were dating I confided in him some of the fantasy thoughts I had when I was angry, specifically about my ex-MIL and my cousin’s ex-BF (from my 20’s). I can be quite nasty in my fantasies when mad. I have confronted this part of my self and have made peace with it. My ex would bring up these in our discussions all the time and towards the end in our arguments to point out to me how evil I was. He would use deflection (change the topic I brought up to discuss to avoid having to confront it) and throw in such info as I confided in him early on. It was diabolical and I would call him out on it and he would get angry, yelling and sometimes throwing things. He did not like to get caught. 

Throughout our marriage he shared personal and very private, often sexual, information about our relationship with family and friends. He would later tell me he did it, seeming to brag, explaining it away or justifying it. Often times I would intuitively recognize the person he told this info to would change energy-wise when around me. I perceived something was off and would ask him and then he would confess. I doubt I got all the info he told them but the impact was obvious. He swore to stop doing it but never stopped. I discovered it so frequently I stopped confiding anything in him because I never knew who he would tell. 

He did all these things from the very beginning and I ignored my intuition which told me he was doing it purposefully. So, so many times I confronted him and he talked his way out of it, making me feel like I must be imagining it all. So, I chose to believe he didn’t mean to and dismissed my own inner Knowing. Now, however, I believe he was doing all of it consciously with the intent to turn people against me, his family, friends and even my own family. This was to isolate me and build himself up so that I would be less likely to leave him. I was already one to isolate myself, hermit that I am, so it was easy for him to further that isolation. Seemingly without support and with the confusion his purposeful gaslighting and deflection caused me, I did exactly what he wanted – I stayed and allowed him to continue unchallenged. I second-guessed myself all the time. I believed he was good and had good intention because if I entertained the idea he was the opposite then it would mean I made a mistake of letting someone like that into my life. Plus, he was so spiritual, etc., bettering himself, loved and liked by so many people, etc. Everything in reality said the opposite of what my intuition was telling me. Yet I ignored it.

I do think, now upon reflection of all this, that he may be a narcissist. My therapist seems to think so, anyway. I am ashamed of myself. I should’ve known better.  It sucks to recognize it now, so many years later, but it explains why he became so nasty, aggressive and abusive when I started to question him and set boundaries. It explains so much. 

My guides once said of my ex (years before I met him), “He will save you from yourself”. I can see now what they meant. I entered the relationship with low self-worth, not really knowing mySelf, full of fear, seeking someone to make decisions for me because making them myself was too difficult and scary, feeling lost, etc. I didn’t value myself, second-guessed myself, and was a people pleaser, shifting and changing to suit everyone but myself. When I had the heart opening in 2015 I was shown the lie and still couldn’t confront it. I saw through his “love” but because of the trauma of the situation I was unable to really digest and integrate all the info that was coming to me. It was only recently that I started to see and listen to my what my physical body and intuition was telling me all along. 

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Why I am my Mother’s Daughter

Interesting between life recall last night.

My family went out to my mom’s for dinner last night. It turned out very well and was a nice evening. When I got home and was winding down to sleep, I was going over the night’s events, thinking of my mom, and suddenly began to imagine telling her things I should’ve when I was there. I often do this, going over past and even future moments and how I could enhance them by saying or doing things differently. So, I was telling my mom some things I think she needed to hear. I said to her (in my mind), “Mom, I’m so proud of you! You’re a good mom. You’ve done really good as my mom in this life.” Interestingly, I had a sudden flash of what I can only describe as memory when I wondered to myself, “Why did I want to say that to mom?”

The memory was of a visual from above of a young women who was very distraught. She was saying to herself, “I’m not a good mother. I want to be a good mother…” I could feel everything she was feeling. Then I heard myself say to her, “You’ll be okay. I’ll help you.” I don’t know if she actually heard me or not. 

The memory was so quick that I almost didn’t think anything of it, but there was a sense in my heart that it was something that actually happened. I believe I witnessed my mother at some point in her youth, maybe after the birth of my older sister, and answered her call for help. My intention being to come down and help her be “a good mother” because she was so distraught and struggling with the difficult task ahead, specifically with my sister who was a colicky child. My mom has told me horror stories of her time as a brand new mother with a colicky baby who seemed to never stop crying. My dad would be off working and she would be alone, in an unfamiliar city (they were in New Jersey), a new mother, with no family around for support. She told me about her struggles and how, at that time, she had visions of throwing her baby (my older sister) against the wall just so the crying would stop. She was exhausted and needed help but had none. 

I had a between life memory years ago in an OBE where I was in “heaven” in front of a curved screen going through what my life would be. I remember feeling “called” down to Earth after the birth of my older sister. The feeling was absolutely inescapable. I was going “down” and was nervously apprehensive. I wonder now if part of the call I answered was witnessing the struggle my mom was going through and somehow seeing her struggle solidified my decision to incarnate? 

Regardless, it seemed like my imagined conversation with my mom at bedtime unlocked a deeper reason for me being in this life, one that helps me better understand the relationship I have with my mom. We’ve always had a strong connection. 

I was a good baby according to her – quiet, content, and super easy compared to my older sister. Maybe I was that way to show her that mothering could be enjoyable, easy and natural? 

I also recognized when I stopped feeling like my mom and sister were “safe”. A memory came to mind from when I was around 7-8 yrs old. I remember both of them coming into the bathroom and my mom telling my sister to help her hold me down over the toilet. Then my mom put soap in my mouth (Irish Spring, I can still taste it) and literally “washed” it out, reminding me not to say bad words. I have no idea what bad words I said but I do remember feeling completely betrayed by both of them. What was the worst part is that they were both laughing at my distress. So, my guess is that when the two of them are together I go on alert and am super suspicious of being betrayed again. That is how I am. When my trust is broken it is nearly impossible for the person to win it back. 

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Dream of Past Life?

Woke up sick this morning. 😦 So far it seems to be a head cold. The good news? My eyes are watering so much that I have no symptoms of dry eye. Ha!

Anyway, cool dreams between bouts of coughing and snot. One seems like a past life memory.

Dream-Reverse Discrimination 

Woke up crying from a dream. In it, I had arrived to a running event and was waiting to be given a partner. At first, I was the only woman but then two black women showed up one after the other. When the first arrived she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge I existed. She was a fast runner and I told to coach that I would try to keep up but eventually give up and walk. The second one was nicer but wanted to partner with the first one. I finally confronted the first one, asking her if she had an issue with me and to tell me. She wouldn’t look at or answer me. I told her I couldn’t fix what it was if I didn’t know what it was. She finally answered me when I asked what I’d done. She said, “I don’t know.” I finally realized it was that I was white and so said, “Is it because I’m blonde and blue eyed?” She didn’t answer and looked down. I said, “Sounds like reverse discrimination to me.” She got irritated but still looked away. The other girl was talking and questioned me about it. I told her that if I had a choice I would look just like her, that I thought black women were beautiful and I had always wished I looked like them. I gently took her face in my hands and told her she was beautiful, looking her deep in the eyes. I said this over and over, tears streaming down my face. Then I put my hand on her heart and said, “You have a big heart.” I was still crying as I was telling her this. She finally let down her guard and started crying then hugged me tight. We cried in each other’s arms. I woke up. 

Note: In this life I’ve always found black women beautiful and had a deep sympathy for what they endure in life. In a recent past life (died in 1963) I was a black woman living in Louisiana who endured domestic violence but went on to become a nurse and live a long, productive life as a single mother. I was very religious and got my strength from the black community, women specifically, who supported one another through thick and thin.

Dream-Indentured

Later, I returned to a dream with the two black women. I was a white maid who had been acquired as a young girl (orphan) and was working out my indentured servitude. Mostly I recall how the two women and I were like sisters. I loved them dearly. I remember watching the master and mistress arrive home in their car (older model, like 1900’s) and they had their two daughter’s sitting in the front seat (it was like a carriage more than a car). Both were blonde like me. I mentioned how grown up they looked but we knew they were very young still. The oldest was trying to look like a grown woman but was only in her early teens. She had braided her hair and I remember touching mine and knowing I looked a wreck. I said I should’ve braided mine and one of my sisters laughed and made a joke about how I couldn’t braid. We all giggled. I got a glimpse of myself at that time and I was plain and light skinned, with hair frizzy but combed neatly.

As the dream ended I realized the girls were my daughters and I had birthed many children for the master, all resembling me except one, the son, who resembled him. The wife had no choice but to claim them. Weird! Was this a past life recall? IDK.

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Another Mediumship Request and More Family Drama

Woke up briefly this morning in the midst of talking to a woman in Spirit. She was giving me her info and when I asked why she said, “I wanted to see if you could hear me.” I replied, “Of course I can hear you, I hear so much I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

When I woke I was repeating her birth and death info.

Born: 1922
Died: 2014
Cause of death: Embolism
Name of close relative: Henry 

I woke a bit later with a sense of her name but lost it immediately. It was memory of a feeling and flashes of broken images more than a name, like a it was given to me telepathically or during such a deeply unconscious state that I was unable to retrieve it. This has happened to me many times and can be extremely frustrating but I have learned to just accept it. 

I do not know what she looked like except to get a feeling of her energy. She felt young and vibrant to me but there is a sense that she wore her gray hair pulled back away from her face. Either that or it was cut very short.

More Family Drama

So my sister and her husband (my 1st cousin) are both in jail right now.

My cousin got out of jail for writing fraudulent checks on my birthday. Apparently it was a surprise to my sister who had hooked up with his best friend. She told all of us that this guy was just helping her out because her husband had asked him to “take care of her”. My mom called this man her boyfriend but she told my husband that he was just a friend helping out. 

When her husband got out of jail it was quiet for about a month. Turns out drama was brewing. My sister was sneaking out to be with her new boyfriend and eventually her husband found out. He went to his “friend’s” house and beat the crap out of him. He was arrested for assault and evading arrest on the 7th of September, about a month after he was released pending trial for his other charges.

Fast forward to the 19th. This is the story as I heard it. I cannot be certain of how much truth is contained in it since it is obvious my sister tells each of us a slightly different story. 

My sister told her boyfriend (husband’s best friend) she didn’t want to see him anymore. He got angry and when he went to leave my sister went to get some of her things out of his truck. While she was half inside the truck getting her things he took off. She was hanging out of the open truck until at some point she jumped out of the vehicle while it was still moving. She ended up walking home at 1am (her son is home alone sleeping). 

A patrol car saw her and stopped to see if she needed help. When he found out who she was he told her she had a warrant and he arrested her. She is in jail for a hit-and-run accident from last year sometime where she had a minor accident and then fled the scene. We all knew about this accident because she told all of us that it had been her husband who had the accident and not her. The cops had followed him home and knocked on the door to ask who owned the car and indicated the plates were stolen. She told them it had been her and they didn’t arrest her because she was home alone with their son. She, of course, lied that she was the only parent home because her husband was hiding nearby. She said she lied for her husband but that the charges against her were dropped because he confessed to the hit-and-run while in prison (apparently not). 

When she was arrested she had a medical emergency (high BP) and had to be taken to the ER. She has been struggling with high BP for a while, though. Since she confessed to my husband earlier this summer that she has been occasionally using meth, the likely culprit is her meth use in combination with her heart condition, smoking, drinking and lifestyle choices in general. Her booking photo looks like one from the Faces of Meth campaign. It is obvious she is using more than just occasionally. 

Every time I see her now it seems she has aged another few years. Her eyes get deeper and she has more sores on her face. She also has a wild look in her eyes, but I have become use to that. She has had that look for about eight years. 

Since she had previously jumped bail, she has a $2k bond and they require $400 cash plus something to secure the bond that is worth $2k. No one is volunteering to help because she will most likely jump bail again and we are all in agreement that she is better off in jail right now. In jail she gets food, shelter, and medical care. She is also safer and the longer she is there, the more she can detox. 

Their son, my nephew, is living with my his dad’s ex-wife. She is located very close to the school he attends and his half-brother and sister have been helping him get to and from school. He is happy there with people he is familiar with. I hope he is better off. I do not know much about the ex-wife except that she was pretty quick to anger and enabled my cousin for years before she finally left him. My hope is that she is not treating my nephew harshly, telling him bad things about his parents or making him feel bad in general. My sister says “they all hate me because I cheated” and thinks the ex will tell him nasty things about her. That is probably a good assumption based upon what I’ve heard about his ex. She is a gossip, one of those who loves to chew on negative data and spew it out at opportune times.

My mom and step-father are going to consult with an attorney next week sometime to find out what they need to do to seek custody or guardianship of my nephew. They did not ask that I come nor did they ask for my help. However, my guess is their age will work against them. I have already decided I cannot handle another child but my SIL has indicated she will happily take him in. This is my husband’s brother’s sister. She has no relation to my nephew at all but immediately wanted to take him in. What a big heart. So, if things don’t bode well for my mom and step-father, I can talk to my BIL and SIL. It may or may not end up working out. However, if he is doing well where he is, a judge may not move him, for his own benefit.

What is interesting about all of the above drama that has played out is that earlier this year, the end of May, I had intuition regarding this exact scenario. I told my mom I sensed they would both end up in jail this year and someone would need to take care of their son. It did not leave me with an alarmed feeling, though. It happened, just not in the way I thought. I assumed something would happen with my sister while he her husband still in jail for the check fraud. Considering the dateline, my cousin was in jail when she went into jail, just for assault not check fraud. So I was correct, just not on the specifics. 

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The Sad Truth and Worrisome Dream

Yesterday we went to my mom’s for a visit and to celebrate my birthday early. When we arrived, my sister and her husband and child were there. I was not happy about this. Why? Because I need to prepare myself mentally, spiritually and emotionally for an encounter with her and her family and wasn’t given the chance to do so. Plus, I was hoping to enjoy my time with my mom as part of my birthday celebration even though my birthday isn’t until next week. Family dynamics are very different when you add my sister and her husband to the mix. Sometime my BIL/cousin is in such a nasty mood that it makes all of us feel on edge. His energy can be toxic. Also, my nephew is hyperactive and his energy is difficult for me to be around. My sister is usually not an issue but I often resist seeing her because past experiences have only led me to the conclusion that she is unwell, depressed and still using Meth. 

The visit was okay but I got a tension headache towards the end, an indicator of stress.

I learned that my sister had arrived early and unexpectedly to wash a lot of laundry. There were heaps of dirty clothes at the front door when I got there. She also had given my mom her typical sob story about how she and her family are broke despite getting stimulus checks and selling the RV my mom had bought them. My sister explained that the money they got from the government was very little because they deducted back child support along with back taxes (which they should!). Of course, their truck (I’ve lost count of how many cars they’ve had now) is not doing well and is a gas hog, my cousin/BIL is struggling to find work – the list goes on. My mom was sad to hear they had sold the RV for only $1000 when she had paid $5K for it. They had not kept up repairs on it and it had so many issues that they had difficulty finding a buyer for it. Their new RV is smaller and can be hitched to a pickup without a special attachment but has less room and no washer/dryer like the old one. They used their stimulus money to buy it and the truck they have now. They had purchased an SUV with the money before the truck but did not maintain it and it couldn’t afford to repair it. Sigh. Currently they are struggling to find a place to park their new RV home. They have jumped from free campground to free campground all summer and are at a place where they have to pay $100/mo but, of course, are being forced to move because they aren’t paying. 

They asked my mom if they could park their RV there because they saw there were RV hookups at the spiritual retreat my mom and step-dad created. The answer was “no” because the last time they stayed there they wouldn’t leave and they created all kinds of problems (having their drug dealer come out to the land, fighting with my step-dad, being confrontational, not working, sleeping all day, and just not keeping their end of the agreement). 

Thankfully my nephew played with my sons happily the entire time and my BIL stayed away and did not spew his nastiness everywhere. My sister did the laundry and wouldn’t swim because she was embarrassed by all the sores on her body (Meth side-effects). When my husband asked if she was still using she flinched and said, “No.” My husband believes she was telling a half-truth, meaning that her “no” was that she wasn’t using today or in that moment but has been. I agree with my husband. Those sores are not “allergies”, they are proof of her drug use. 

I struggle not to give my sister money when I see her. I know she will misuse the money and maybe even buy drugs but I do want her to live better and know I can help. But I have learned it is not good for her to enable her bad decisions with handouts. My sister refuses to work despite being totally capable. She can’t work in her desired field – teacher – and her options are limited but she could find work if she tried. House cleaning is one that comes to mind. She thinks it below her to work low paying jobs. Instead, she puts all the pressure on her husband who has the same criminal background issues as she does. He does find work, often, but usually quits before he gets to the 6mo mark. He hates that they take child support and back taxes out of his already tiny paycheck. 

My recent dream about my sister doesn’t give me hope for her. In the dream I found her naked, curled up in the fetal position with a tiny towel placed over her for warmth. When I tried to get her to get up and come with me, to leave the horrid place I found her in, she refused. She basically said that she had given up and decided it is better to stay high than to confront her life. She preferred the pretend world of drugs to the real world. I began to cry slow, sad tears as I walked away. I knew she had made her choice and that I could do nothing for her.  

Similarly, I had a dream about my mom recently that caused me to wake in tears.

Dream from July 30:

I was outside. A large tree or wooden pole was in the center. Chairs were attached that swiveled around the tree. I was in one and a man was in another. I remember the chairs moving like the solar system around the tree and I could see the man across from me moving in sync with me. We were served Indian (Hindu) cuisine. Then, I remember suddenly knowing that my mom died choking on food. I saw her standing in front of me. She got a shocked look on her face and then she just fell in a heap on the ground. Someone said, “She’s dead.” 

I ended up at my mom’s house and she was there as a ghost. We were talking and I was upset about her death. I remember seeing the answering machine had one message. I played it but it was all static and hard to make out. I remember wondering if anyone knew she had died. I told her what I had witnessed, how she was eating food and just fell over, dead. I was beside myself with upset and recalling all my times in this life with my mom, memories flashing in front of me. I also remember thinking she was too young, only 54 (she is 72 now). At one point I saw stairs going up but there are not stairs in the house. She said, “Maybe they will be added?” I thought it may happen. Then, I was crying and hugging her and saying, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve already lost one parent! I don’t know what to do. What do I do now?” My mom hugged and consoled me and a voice whispered, “She isn’t dead.” I suddenly realized maybe she was alive because she was there with me. I touched her and she was solid and I said with relief, “You’re alive!” She said, “Yes I am.” I cried tears of relief, sobbing into her shoulder and woke up. 

When I returned to sleep the same scenario occurred – my mom died from choking on Brussel sprouts this time. I was in the house crying again and my mom’s “ghost” was there. This time I was in my mom’s closet and the attic door was opened and stairs came down. My sister descended the ladder and I had a conversation with her and my mom about my mom’s will and how it couldn’t be changed. I began to try and help my sister by teaching her about “start, change, stop”, explaining how it could help her in life. I explained that she could “change” or “stop” anything, especially her drug use but other things, also. She said, “I don’t need help with relationships.” I reminded her it could help in other areas. Eventually I realized my mom hadn’t died because yet again a voice said, “She isn’t dead.” I said, “So she isn’t dead? She’s alive?” It was as if I had no clue despite having already had a similar dream! 

When I woke I was crying again and perplexed. Why did I have a second dream where the same thing happened? Was it a warning dream? Could my mom be in danger?

I told my mom about my dream and she confirmed that lately she has had trouble swallowing and goes into choking fits that can make her feel like she is going to pass out. Her heart speeds up, she gets panicked and the fits go on a long time. She has them about once a week, maybe less. Alarmed, I urged her to see the doctor. I hope she will. It is just too “coincidental” that I would dream of her choking twice in one night only to discover she has been struggling with choking on food and water!!

My dream was likely part anxiety and part warning. I often pick up on things happening with my mom, so it is not a surprise that I would pick up on her choking issues. The upset it caused me was severe. I was inconsolable to the point that my guide had to tell me it wasn’t real – twice. It gives me an idea of how my mom’s death may affect me. Ugh. I do think of her as my safe place/person. Life won’t be the same without her.

Dysphagia is a possible diagnosis. My mom’s isn’t severe (thankfully) but she should be checked out so that they can rule out certain causes. Dysphagia isn’t uncommon with the elderly but could become worse over time. My mom told me that she is already changing the way she eats and drinks for fear of choking. She says she holds liquids in her mouth before swallowing now, especially coffee. She is being very careful, but still it is worrisome.

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My Grandparents Were Non-Energy Types!

Recently, my daughter has become curious about her ancestry. She got an app on her phone and, to my surprise, has been able to fill out her family tree back a few generations on both sides! She showed me that she found my maternal grandparents, asking if the info looked correct, and it did! Someone on my maternal grandmother’s side of the family had done a family tree for many generations back, all the way to before they immigrated to the U.S. My maternal grandfather’s side is not near as complete and my paternal side is almost non-existent.

What was surprising is the amount of documentation provided on this app. They had birth, marriage and death certificates, census information, even draft cards! To see my father’s draft card was fascinating, especially seeing his signature. It has been a long time since I’ve seen it.

When I saw my grandparent’s birth certificates, I immediately wrote down the information to create Human Design charts for both of them. Unfortunately, my grandmother’s birth certificate did not have a time of birth. 😦

To my surprise, I discovered my grandfather was a 4/6 Splenic Projector! Here is his chart:

I always felt a strong connection with my grandfather. While others in the family had various, negative emotional reactions to him, I could see his true self and knew he was not what others assumed he was. He could come across as mean, grumpy, and domineering. His guard was almost always up and he seemed to push people away at times, especially if he was tired or not feeling “in the mood”. He didn’t want to be told what to do. He did his own thing.

My mother and aunt have both expressed to me how their memory of their father is not the greatest. My aunt completely distanced herself from him as she got older. She found him unsupportive, mean, unloving and cruel. My mother also mentioned some things that made her feel this way. Mostly, they both mentioned that he devalued them because they were female, saying cruel things like, “I’m not going to waste money on a woman”. He most definitely was influenced by his generation’s biases!

My experiences with my grandfather were that, yes, at times he was not very nice. For example, I have a couple of vivid memories of him being this way. He use to raise rabbits to eat and one day he killed one right in front of me – hit it on the head with a hammer. I cried and ran away. That night at dinner we had “chicken” but as I was taking a bite he said, “How does Thumper taste?” OMG I was horrified! He laughed heartily.

Another time, when I was with him while he was working on a project, a tiny Kangaroo mouse came running out from under the house. He said, “Oh look! A cute mouse!” and pointed it out to me. He knew I loved animals of all kinds. Then, without warning, he smashed it with his boot. When I cried out, “Why did you do that?” He laughed and said it was a nuisance and he needed to get rid of it. Thankfully, it didn’t suffer, but still, not nice!

Yet, most of my memories are of his kinder side. For example, and in contrast to the two examples above, he found a nest of baby squirrels in his barn one day. Instead of killing them, he called my sisters and me to the barn and gave each of us one to raise. He did this because he had done similar things as a child. My two sisters and I were thrilled and did raise them. What fun pets!

Other fond memories I had were of him taking us fishing. I love to fish because of him even if he did distance himself from me because I “made too much noise” and could scare the fish. lol

I remember him always working on the farm (they had 52 acres), fishing and hunting. In his 50’s he built an underground house which still stands today. He designed it and everything and it is absolutely amazing! Completely underground except for the front door and two windows. He was also very active in the church. He was considered an elder and others looked up to him and admired him.

Though I would have never thought him a Projector, now that I know, it is obvious that he was. He was living as if he were a Generator, like most Projectors tend to do. Go, go, go and then….crash. He was grumpy and mean because he was bitter and that was how it manifested for him (and me, too). When not in a good mood, he could infect everyone with his nasty vibes (me, too). When in a good mood, he made the entire space light up. All he wanted to do was be a good provider for his family, yet he struggled to make ends meet. I am sure he had much negative self-talk about his ability to make money and provide throughout his life.

My biggest memory of him inside the home was of always wanting to be left alone. He would sometimes lock himself in his bedroom to do this but other times I knew better than to disturb him or else get a nasty talking to. We kids knew to just leave him alone and we did, most of the time.

In his old age his true self began to shine through and I saw the man I knew was inside all along. The more I heard his daughters say negative things about him, the more I defended him and explained to them how I saw him. My version was just not real to them, but that is okay and I told them so. I saw a man with a huge heart who sacrificed so much for his family. In the end, he showed his feelings more readily, even crying without hiding. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses to make sure he knew how much I loved him.

After he passed he would often visit my dreams and I had many OBE’s where he was present. The last time I saw him in a dream was very recently. He appeared in a different form from his last life – Asian. He told me that he planned to “get it right this time” and was going to be in the military again but this time as an Asian, whom he despised in this life (lol WWII vet). He was very optimistic and explained how he had felt like a failure much of his life. From what I remember, he chose to be very smart and determined in his new life. In contrast, this life he only had a GED because he never did well in school. He joined the Navy and was a nurse’s assistant while serving his time.

As for my grandmother, with no birth time, it is hard to know what aura type she was. I put in various birth times and came up with two profile types – 5/1 and 4/1. The most common aura type is emotional Projector, followed by emotional Manifestor and emotional Manifesting Generator. Only one of these is 4/1, the rest are all 5/1’s.

Here are two charts that I saved because they felt most like her:

The things that stand out to me about my grandmother are that she was very passive compared to my grandfather. I always thought this was generational (Great Depression Era). I was always more cautious around my grandmother. My grandmother was a big gossip and with her passiveness was this sense that she wanted to be in control. I have never met a Manifestor but I suspect she may have been that since her energy made me cautious. What she displayed didn’t match what I felt from her. I didn’t trust her but I did love her. I never saw them fight or my grandma get mad, though. She was just quiet and subdued. She got cancer in her 40’s but lived to age 89. She sold Avon for a while but was a stay-at-home mom and very involved in the church. You had to be careful what you told her because she tended to gather info and then use it to get what she wanted, especially in her older years.

When I was a kid I didn’t have any issues with her energy, it was just as an adult that I began to feel wary of her. She did begin to display the more negative personality after my grandfather passed. Maybe this was because he was no longer there to support her and provide what she needed?

She was very psychic but sadly was hospitalized for a mental breakdown after she had a psychotic break/split where she would shift into a child personality at times. She was on medication the rest of her life for that. Then she had cancer in his mid-40’s where she was told she would die but miraculously lived a long life.

When I came out as a psychic/medium to my family, my grandmother confided in me that she use to have precognitive dreams and other psychic experiences but she hid them out of fear. Not even my mother, her daughter, knew about it! In her older years she had out-of-body experiences where she would meet up with her husband in the astral (he passed 10 years before her).

After she passed away she came to visit me in Spirit and her personality was evident – happy, energetic, inquisitive, talkative- very different from how I knew her in life but I suspect how she was in youth. My first thought when I was entering her birth data was how she got cancer so early in life. I thought, “Typical Projector burnout.” IDK if the same can happen to Manifestors, though, but probably. It would help if I knew a Manifestor so I could compare how the energy feels. Sigh.

My memories of my grandmother are mostly positive. She loved to cook and because of her I, also, love to cook. She would let me help her in the kitchen, explaining he methods and giving me her “expert” advise and know-how. She also loved to sing and play the piano and guitar (self-taught). When we had family gatherings, we would all gather around the piano and sing.

My interest in gardening was also brought about by my grandmother. She had a HUGE garden and would ask us grandkids to help her plant, tend and harvest it. Because of her, I know how deep to plant certain seeds, how to fertilize, how to layout a garden, what plants do best where, and how to harvest without damaging a plant.

All in all, she was a great demonstration of how someone can be “at peace” in a life (which is the signature of a Manifestor) that is far from peaceful. She was always singing while she worked and her favorite song to sing was, “One Day at a Time”. She lived every day grateful to be alive and made sure we children knew how much of a blessing we were.

Considerations

To think that my grandparents may have both been Projectors, or at least non-energy types, is amazing to me! Here I was thinking that my entire life I have been surrounded by Generating types and this whole time I had two very supportive non-energy types as foundational influences in my life! A HUGE part of my childhood involved my grandparents. I thought of my grandfather as my father more than my biological father. He introduced me to fishing and hunting, taught me to love the outdoors, explore without fear and persevere. My grandmother was someone I could learn from and I eagerly sucked up the information she provided and still use it today. What she taught me turned into the very things that bring me peace in my adult life – singing, cooking, gardening, walking, dreaming, connection with God.

They were married over 50 years. To think of a relationship lasting that long has always been unreal to me, but they did. Perhaps it was because they were both non-energy types? Maybe it is true that being with one’s same energy type is better?

Note: As I was reading what I wrote about my grandparents I became very emotional. It is clear to me now that my grandmother was an Emotional Manifestor. The peace she radiated is still with me. And this whole time I didn’t see it. I felt so disconnected from her in my adult years. I wish that I had paid more attention to her in her golden years. I wish I had sat down with her more, learned from her more. 😦

Here are two pictures of my grandparents. The first is when they were first married. The second is at their 50th anniversary.

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Human Design Connections – Part 2

This post is going to focus more on the connection charts I have done thus far. I will share some of the charts as well as the information I learned along the way.

Connection Charts I have created so far:
Family
Husband
Ex Husband
Children – all three
Mother
Significant people of interest to me

Below is my family chart. Lots of information but the main part I focus on is the aura theme which is Hierarchical Tension. My guess is that this theme indicates that individuals in the family do not have clearly defined roles and so frequently question the roles of other family members and step on one another’s toes in the process. This feels like an accurate theme to me! I find it interesting that our group is missing “future” and “discovery”. I wonder what significance this has?

The next chart is my connection with my husband. The center chart is our combined energy. Below the chart are the connection channels.

Definitions of the connection channels for your reference:

Compromise channel – when one person has an entire channel, and the other person has only one gate. Creates a natural push and pull dynamic. One person will always have the entire channel and will naturally try to pull the person with one gate into their energy.
Dominance channel – when one person has an entire channel and the other person is undefined in that channel. When together, the person with the dominance channel will naturally condition the other person by lending their defined energy.
Friendship channel – the two have the same defined channel(s). This can make this aspect of the other seem uninteresting because it is shared.
Attraction channel – both individuals have half a gate that when together form a complete one (50-50). Together, these two gates activate the third energy of the channel. Attraction channels are literally like a spark that occurs when the two people come together. Attraction channels create an intense magnetism between two people, particularly at first. Source

Our connection theme is: “Not in a relationship anymore”. LOL I am still laughing at this because it feels accurate. My understanding is that we get along best when we put aside our ideas and expectations about our relationship and what a relationship is/means and connect as friends would. When we operate under the idea of being in a romantic relationship problems arise (frequently).

This next chart is the data chart for my connection with my husband. Please go to this link for an explanation of the sections of this chart.

Based upon the data, my husband and I are not a very good match. While we do have a fairly good mind to planet to crystal resonance and our mind base orientation matches up exactly, the view to crystal resonance is not a good indicator. Basically, what we have is not a “soul mate” connection. Our environments also don’t match up well, but this is a minor issue and because I am Markets – Internal, I can pretty much be/live anywhere as long as I don’t feel penned in and can create a space where I can invite others to join me.

In contrast to the above chart, here is another connection data chart that shows a soul mate connection (quite to my surprise). See the two green arrows? This is a GOOD thing. Additionally, the mind base orientation and mind planet to crystal resonance indicate a good connection. The theme is also promising – Have some fun! (not on this chart but the original not shown). Since I have family who I have this theme with, I know how it feels and plays out, and it is a good theme to have.

The reason I am surprised by this chart is, of all the connections charts I created, this is the one for a profile type that typically does not match up with my own (5/1). So, toss out the profile matches list I guess.

I won’t share all the other connection charts because it would make this post way too long. Instead, I will summarize them.

Me and Ex Husband
Theme: Better to be free (lol)
View to crystal – both red (not soul mate connection)
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – moon, Venus, Mercury (me)
Environmental – red (not good) He is Kitchens and I am Markets

Me and Mom
Theme: Nowhere to go.
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Mars, Uranus, Mercury (me)
Environmental – red (not good) She is caves and I am Markets

Me and my Daughter
Theme: Have some fun!
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – binary separation (daughter), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Uranus, Venus (me)
Environmental – red (not good) She is Kitchens and I am Markets

Me and my Oldest Son
Theme: Work to do.
View to crystal – one blue, one red (fair)
Mind base – binary (him), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – moon, Pluto, Mercury (me)
Environmental – green, we are both Markets-Internal

Me and my Youngest Son
Theme: Have some fun!
View to crystal – both red
Mind base – binary (him), focused (me)
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Jupiter, Saturn, Venus (me)
Environmental – green, he is Markets – External, I am Markets – Internal

Me and Connection R
Theme: Not in a relationship anymore (lol – true!)
View to crystal – one green, one red (half soul mate? lol)
Mind base – both focused
Mind planet to crystal resonance – Saturn, Uranus (me)
Environmental – red (not good) He is Mountains and I am Markets

And finally, just to see how it changed the family aura theme, I did a family chart for me and the kids (minus their dad). This is what the result was:

The theme changed to: Secure at Home. This feels accurate. My husband is frequently away on business trips. When he is gone, the energy shift is dramatic. The tension goes away. Me and the kids get along well and there is a kind of peace that falls over the house. Even my daughter, who tends to be the loudest of the group, is calmer, more interactive and less likely to hide away in her room.

I did do a chart of just the kids and their dad and the theme is also “secure at home”. I’m not surprised. The main difference is that the missing groups goes to three instead of two. With him the missing groups are future, tradition and discovery.

One Month – Want a Chart?

I have one month to play with the Genetic Matrix pro account. If you would like me to create a connection chart for you, let me know. I won’t charge for this service because I am learning and exploring, which to me is reward enough! In order to get a chart, though, I need the following information for each individual: name (initials is fine) birth date, time of birth, birth location (city/state/country).

If you don’t know location and time you can provide an approximate but I can’t guarantee accuracy. What I have found is that if the location is within the same latitude/longitude area (for example, birth city unknown, but state is) then it won’t be an issue. The same goes with time as long as you have an approximate time (for example, born in the late morning but not sure exact time, then putting 10am will likely be sufficient).

Even with the charts I have created, I forgot my mom’s birth time but I had her previous chart so played around with the time until the charts matched. And with one of my connections I did the same because I knew he was a 3/5 Pure Generator from a previous chart (which I don’t have now) and only a certain time of day on his birth date matched that profile type.

Don’t be shy. If you are curious, send me an email via my contact form. The date this offer will end is 5/31/21.

Featured image is my connection chart with my mother. This is the only connection I have (that I know of) where together, all centers are defined. Pretty awesome, IMO.

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Literal Head-On Collision

Yesterday was a crazy day.

My daughter and I were out back-to-school shopping most of the afternoon. My husband had taken our two youngest and two other children to the water park.

My daughter and I went to Schlotsky’s for dinner and short break from shopping. Mid-way through dinner my husband called me. He told me that I needed to come pick them up. He said he had hit his head and felt like he was going to throw up. He was asking me questions and telling me the names of our children as if to remind himself of who he was.

At the time I thought he was playing a prank. He is known for such things. So I played along, answering his repeated questions and telling him that I thought he was playing a joke on me. Eventually, though, after he repeated himself more than a few times and kept saying, “I’m scared. I’m scared”,  I asked him to put our son on the phone. When I talked to our son and asked him what was going on with his dad he said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with daddy.” Then I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that he and daddy bumped heads and that his head was hurting and started to cry on the phone. I told him to give the phone back to his dad. My husband continued to repeat himself, asking me to come get them. I told him to put a park employee on the phone but before he could do that I received a phone call from the mother of one of the kids that was with them. When I switched lines, my husband hung up on me.

When I called back, my husband picked up and I told him what the mother had told me. I asked if he could be home soon and he said, “Yes ma’am.” I realized it was not my husband talking to me but whoever it was put the phone down. I listened in for a while and realized my husband was talking to someone about a head injury. I was positive then that he had not been joking around with me and that something serious had happened.

We left the restaurant. In the car I called back and my husband picked up the phone but handed it over to someone right away. A paramedic got on the phone and told me that my husband had a head injury but the eye test indicated he was okay. However, they wanted me to come pick him up because they didn’t want him to drive.

Then I received another phone call from the mother and she told me the paramedics had called her, too. She said she would meet me at the park.

When we arrived at the park I checked in and waited for them to escort me back to my husband. I called the mother to see if she had arrived and she had. She told me that she would watch our kids because the paramedics were going to take my husband to the E.R. She said my husband was repeating himself and I laughed it off saying it was normal. She said, “This is not normal.”

Inside the park my husband was in good spirits. He was smiling and chatty, walking around looking like he had just won a prize. The paramedics were around him and one approached me and informed me again that he thought my husband had a concussion from an accident where he and my son collided. He suggested I take him to the E.R. and explained why. Thankfully my son was okay.

Ultimately, I could not decide whether to take my husband to the E.R. He didn’t want to go and he can be very resistant and overpowering and I didn’t want to risk that. I called his brother and his brother suggested we wait and see and that he would meet me there. When I discussed this with the paramedic he said that would be okay considering the eye test administered and my husband’s overall condition, but that we should take him to the E.R. if he gets worse.

When my BIL arrived we met him up at the front. My husband talked the entire time, repeating the same questions over and over again. We lingered at the front for a while with my BIL. My husband was really happy and talking a mile a minute, repeating himself and asking questions about things that just happened that were not accident related. I took a video of him telling what he remembered, it turned out to be a good idea because later my husband watched this video over and over again, fascinated that he could not remember any of it.

When we got home he seemed to be regaining memory of events after the incident. He also remembered events prior to it. He began to calm down, too, and started acting more like himself.

This morning he woke me up asking, “Where is the Mazda?” We had left it at the water park and he had forgotten. At first I was worried but as we talked more I realized he was just trying to put together what memories he had of last night and some he still could not locate. He told me he struggled to sleep and opted to work in the middle of the night. I thought it not a good idea but he said he remembered everything about work perfectly, that it is only the event itself and some time after that he couldn’t remember.

Despite my telling him to rest and take it easy, my husband insisted on going for a bike ride this morning with our neighbor. He has always been restless and one to not handle downtime well. He told me he is fascinated with his loss of memory. He views it like a puzzle that needs to be solved.

We are still not completely sure what happened. They were on a non-water slide at the park, one called “speed” something. You lay down on your stomach on a mat and go down a very high and long slide. My son, his cousin and my husband all went down at the same time in different lanes. At some point my son crossed paths with my husband and they hit heads. My nephew witnessed it and said my son got up at the end of his ride and walked across my husband’s lane which is when they collided. My husband only remembers using his feet to try and slow down before the impact.

The water park gave us free tickets and was very apologetic. I am not sure but I think there was suppose to be someone at the end of the slide observing so that accidents like that did’t happen. So they are concerned we might sue them, which is not our intention.

My son is completely fine this morning. He told me he had been crying last night because he felt responsible for his dad getting hurt. Otherwise, my son has no aches or pains or injuries from the collision.

I am still a bit worried about my husband. He seemed like a little kid last night, excited and full of curiosity. This morning he is calmer but still a bit “off”. Peseverating (repeating ones self) is common with concussion but it was/is still disconcerting and he was asking the same questions he asked me last night.

 

 

 

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Home from Vacation

We returned home last night from South Padre Island. The trip overall was a success with some minor hiccups along the way. My husband left our 10-year-old daughter to make the reservations and did not double check them before booking. This left us with less than ideal sleeping quarters but it was workable.

Four full days of beach time was a bit too much so I suggested we take advantage of some other activities available on the island. I mostly wanted to take advantage of the perfect conditions and go fishing. The entire time we were there the weather was mild with temps in the mid-80’s, the water was very clear (unusual) and the winds calm. The water was so clear that we could see fish swimming under our feet when were swimming! It reminded me of the waters in the Caribbean and Australia.

So, we booked a dolphin sunset tour for the third night and a bay fishing excursion the next morning. We had considered a deep sea fishing trip but it took half a day and our children would likely not do well for such a long period of time. The bay fishing was 4 hours and in shallower water.

The kids really enjoyed the dolphin cruise. Though they had never been on a boat of that size (only kayaks) none were nervous and we had no sea sickness. The dolphins showed up enough that my youngest kept yelling, “Mommy! I saw a shark! I saw it’s fin!” lol He eventually realized it was not a shark toward the end. 🙂

We got to see a beautiful sunset over the bay as well on that trip.

The next morning we rose early and I was able to go to the beach and watch the sunrise. I didn’t get much sleep the entire trip so waking early was no issue. For some reason I struggled to get to sleep while there. When I started to drift off I’d wake suddenly in a panic, my heart racing. I have no idea why this happened.

The fishing trip was fun but my oldest and youngest both had full-on panic attack episodes over the waves rocking the boat. My oldest recovered to the point of actually catching almost as many fish as me. My youngest took longer. He had to sit in the captain’s cabin to recover. We caught lots of fish. I lost count of how many I caught but among them were sand trout, whiting, catfish and a black tipped shark (oh and one crab but that doesn’t count). Adrian caught four keepers and we ended up with enough fish to have fish tacos for lunch. None of the fish were very big but it was still fun.

While on the boat I was in heaven. I could have stayed out on the water all day. The rocking of the boat caused me no issues whatsoever which was a surprise. I am prone to seasickness. The weather was so mild, the water blue and the skies cloud-free. The rocking of the boat was relaxing to the point that I found myself in a kind of meditative state. I remember daydreaming about living there and working on a boat. I told my husband I wish I could have stayed out on the water all day every day. The only thing missing was catching a bigger fish, one that gave a good fight. I suggested to my husband that we take a trip, just the two of us, and fish the entire time. That would be so awesome. I doubt it will ever happen. He is not into fishing like I am. 😦

Something odd that happened after the fishing trip was that for the next 24 hours whenever I would close my eyes I could still feel the boat rocking in a very real way. My oldest two children complained about the feeling. I actually liked it. It felt somewhat like I was plastered drunk without the sick/spinning part anyway. Unfortunately, it kept me from falling asleep. I didn’t really mind, though.

The other part of the trip that I enjoyed was being in the water and floating on my back while the waves rocked me back and forth. This particular beach was perfect because of the sand bars. They broke up the typical riptides making for perfect swimming conditions. We could go out hundreds of feet from the beach without worry of being swept away. The sand bars extended even further than that.

As I assumed would happen, the drive to and from South Padre was the most challenging. We rented a Dodge Caravan so the kids could move around freely and boy did they ever. Moments of quiet were rare. Fights broke out often and my husband insisted on chatting throughout. I just wanted silence or music. I didn’t get my way. 😦 Eventually, I just laughed through the crazy moments, poking fun at myself for being irritated at my kids for being kids. I thought to myself, “If I had gone on this trip without them I would miss this chaos and their energy.” I ended up laughing so hard I cried one time because Elek kept screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason at all except to scream.

Here are some photos of the trip.

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