Tag Archives: fear

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Kundalini, The Shadow Self and Almandine

Happy Spring Equinox! It has been one hell of a week! The energy put me into a pretty sour mood, especially in the mornings. My sleep was awful and I had a tendency to focus on the negatives, especially relating to planet Earth. I am thankful for the energies that came in with the Equinox.

After about a week of sleep issues, I finally slept well last night. Turns out there was a solar flare most of yesterday and through the night. Along with good sleep I had Kundalini dreams all night long. Where one left off, another began. All the dreams involved a man I am familiar with as well as a guide.

Dream: Profess[or] Love[r]

The start of this dream is hazy but as lucidity increased, so does my memory.

What I recall most is that I was in correspondence with a man I recognized and know from this lifetime. Some time had passed between our last email/letter and this was my main concern as I had not intended it. I remember feeling as if I was on a college campus and knowing this man was a professor. I don’t know if he was my teacher or if it was just his job, or both. 

We talked a bit but there was distance between us that was too far to actually have a conversation. My feeling of this communication was that it was meant to represent communication over time and space – communication between our higher aspects. 

Then we were together in a room that felt, again, like it was located at a college or university. The space was dimly lit and colored with various brown tones. It felt like a study or an office but also similar to a small dorm room.

When we finally met up the feeling I had was of relief and reunion. I don’t remember if he spoke to me. I do recall that I had apologized for letting so much time pass and the delay it caused. When we got close our combined energy was intoxicating, rising and falling in waves of ecstasy, climbing higher and higher. The closer we got, the more intense our combined energy. My immediate reaction was to surrender completely to it.

Eventually my friend disengaged saying he had to be somewhere. We went our separate ways. He went one way and I went in the opposite direction. Eventually, though, we ended up back together, both of us unable to find our rooms. We stood in front of a room. The number near the entrance was #3 but the room was not the right room. As the dream began to fade out the last thing I remember was that he said to me that we must be in a different time (I think I remember the term “time warp”) so the room was not the one we remembered. 

As I woke the Kundalini energy was very strong. I am not sure how the intensity of it didn’t wake me during the dream! I lay in bed relishing it. It was intensely strong in my root and heart chakras but prior to it settling there it had circulated completely from root to crown. Sadly, I only barely recall the full cycling of the energy. I believe it was purposefully muted and for that I am grateful because when I have been fully conscious of it in the past the intensity of it has been scary.

A guide was close by. He asked me, “How do you feel?” I said, “I want to go back.” There was some discussion here. He reminded me to take it slowly and said, “We are helping you.” 

Dream: Little Fires Everywhere

Somehow I returned to sleep and entered into another dream. I was sitting on a sofa in my grandparent’s underground home. The TV was in front of me but I was not watching it because the man from my previous dream was sitting on my left about four feet away from me on the opposite end of the sofa. It felt like we just hanging out and watching TV. I was almost fully lucid but not enough to take control of the dream. I don’t think I would have taken control if I could have, though. 

I could see him quite clearly and knew who he was. We were talking, but sadly I have no clue about what. All I remember was that his energy was very difficult to resist. It was calling to me in a very seductive way. My guide was close by and I was talking to him in my mind about the energy and how difficult it was for me to endure as I sat there. 

What I recall here is the Kundalini rushing through me. It erupted violently from my root and shot all the way up to my crown. Then it would settled some only to repeat with even more intensity. With each wave I gripped the sofa so hard that had it been a real sofa I surely would have destroyed the arm rest. Interestingly, I never felt like I was going to die from the energy. I surrendered completely to it. I couldn’t help but surrender. It was compulsory and there was nothing – nothing at all – I could do but allow it. 

While the energy was taking me over I could hear and communicate with my friend telepathically. All I remember saying to him was, “I love you.” But something about this profession of love felt as compulsory as the energy itself. So, I questioned it. Do I love him? Is it my love I am feeling? Or is it memory of some other time and love? 

My friend just sat next to me seemingly completely at ease with our combined energy. I tried to stay there with him. I wanted to stay there, but I couldn’t, not without embracing him fully. For some reason I resisted the urge to go to him, though. My resistance resulted in much discomfort. 

Eventually I told him, “I can’t take it anymore. It’s just too much.” Not long after I said this my friend disappeared completely. 

I decided I would walk to my mom’s house. I went outside and walked up the road. I noticed there were small piles of burning brush dotting the land. I concluded that someone must be clearing the land, something we often have to do in the country. Part way up the road I encountered a mulching machine that was turned on. A large branch was stuck in it and the mulcher was making a horrid noise. Worried it would explode, I turned the machine off. The “off” switch was very vivid in my mind.

As I continued to walk up the road I was suddenly not alone. A man was walking with me on my right. I knew he was my guide. He was tall and had blonde hair. His energy was familiar. I remember we were discussing what was happening to me – the Kundalini, the man, the process. He was asking me what I thought of the man, of our energy and our path. I only remember saying that I wanted to experience more of the energy. It was all I wanted, actually. The internal Call I felt was strong. There was/is no doubt in my mind I am suppose to follow it.

The last thing I remember saying to my guide is, “There are little fires everywhere.” It was just an observation and had no emotion attached to it. My guide acknowledged my statement as if to say, “Yes, there are.”

The Shadow Self

I came out of the dream and entered the in-between where I could still feel the residual energy. My guide was close and I remember him reminding me that the process cannot be rushed. Through our conversation I was asked to inspect my fear response to the intense energy I experienced in the dream and also at other times. The resulting understanding was that it represented my Shadow, or a hidden aspect often associated with something not very good, or “bad”. When my energy combines with my friend’s it brings attention to the Shadow somehow and so my response is fear and I withdraw. More than likely the reality is that this Shadow aspect is not as imposing as it seems. It is just deeply hidden.

Then, very distinctly, I heard the word, “Almandine”. 

Then I was reminded that destruction was coming. Destruction of what? I am not sure but I have been warned of this before, last October. 

I woke repeating the word “Almandine” and not knowing what it meant. I thought at first it was a sauce for cooking but soon learned it is a crystal. Usually when I am given the name of a crystal it is a way to suggest I add it to my collection.

Considerations

My fear reaction to the intense energy of the Kundalini is familiar to me. Early on in my experiences with the Kundalini I responded with great fear. It presented itself slowly during dreamtime, always pursuing me, and each time I completely freaked out. When it would present itself I felt a compulsion to go to it, to surrender to it. I felt completely unable to control myself. This feeling of lack of control and the unknown it represented was what sent me running the other way. It felt horribly “evil” while at the same time the energy was intoxicatingly beautiful and pure. The contradiction was confusing. How can something be so beautiful yet so ugly at the same time? It was a paradox. 

Eventually, I surrendered in dreamtime. I gave up after being pursued for what seemed like forever. I realized I could not outrun the Kundalini and so let it devour me. It was magnificent in the end. The most amazing experience I have ever had in this body. 

Now, when I feel the Kundalini, my response is the same. After years of surrender it makes no sense. Why, after all this time, am I again afraid of the Kundalini? And why is this particular person the instigator? Is it karmic? Or is it something else? I feel fear, but it is irrational. It is the fear of death, of becoming nothing. Ah, yes, “destruction”, now that word makes sense. To be born anew, the old must die. 

Yet, didn’t I already experienced death from this process? How many times does one have to “die”, I wonder? lol

Dream Symbolism

In the first dream I am at a college/university which represents a life lesson or lessons. My friend is seen as a teacher or guide, so it could be that I see him this way or it could be that he is merely helping me with this life lesson. The search for the room is interesting and I am not sure what the “time warp” part means. Whatever the meaning, we end up parting ways only to come full circle to the same place. The feeling in the dream is that no matter what our individual paths, the destination is the same for us both.

The symbolism of the last dream is fitting. The underground house represents the subconscious or what is hidden. My grandparents actually do have a house that is under the ground and I spent much of you youth visiting there. It is also attached to my family’s land and my mother’s home. So, for me, being in the space indicates a sense of home, so also Home. It is comfortable and safe. Watching the TV is likely an indicator of becoming the observer.

The clearing of the land is the work of the Kundalini. It clears blockages; a cleansing fire. The little fires everywhere are areas that are being cleansed or have already been cleansed. They are contained and small, but they are burning. Fire = the Kundalini. 

The mulch machine is an interesting symbol. My best guess is that it is my attempt to turn off the process out of fear that I will explode or be destroyed. Still, though, the fires burn. 

Note: Prior to bed I had two syncs that forewarned me of what was to come during the night. First, I had done a voice search of a certain item for my food journal. I had said “Burger” but the word that appeared was nothing at all close to it. It was, instead, my dream friend’s name, clear as day. I paused, took a screen shot in case I was seeing things, and then edited my search to the correct word.

About an hour later I was watching a video and there was the name again. So clear. And next to it another name that was related. WTF? I took another screen shot, told my guides to knock it off and went to bed. LOL

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I Am Not Afraid

Hope all of you have been well despite the hoopla created by the Corona Virus around the world.

Me and my family are doing well. Not much has changed for us. My husband and I still go to work. I still work from home most days and go into the office 1-2x a week. My husband is there every day. We work in steel fabrication of public works so nothing has changed really except that our shop workers have been limited to 10 people per shift. So we opened another location so they could keep production levels up. Those who are considered most at-risk for getting the virus have been cleared to work from home or have been given extended leave (paid). Thankfully, we are a strong enough business that we can do this for as long as needed. Most want to continue working because – a productive person is a happy person.

The kids have been home since March 14th and started online learning last week. They, of course, want to start on their work first thing in the morning which can make it hard for me to juggle three kids and working, but I do it. My experience as a teacher and school counselor has definitely assisted me with this! The kids love school this way for the most part but my middle child wishes he could go back to school. Bless him.

My mom and step-dad are at their country home living life as normal and not afraid one bit about the virus despite both having underlying conditions. They are both bummed that their social outlets have been cancelled, though. They are avid church-goers and also participate in a choir. I do hope that this shelter in place ends soon so they can resume their activities. It is much worse for an older person to be isolated than a younger one. Thankfully they are able to watch my nephew during this time to keep busy and active.

My MIL is not concerned about the virus and still comes by to visit and goes about her daily activities. She likes to inform us how her siblings are freaking out about it, though.

I’ve noticed when I’m out and about lately (shopping for groceries or driving to work) that there seem to be more people on the roads than a week ago. There are also more patrol cars. When I am in stores the mood is less tense, which I welcome. I was avoiding the stores not because of possibly becoming infected but because people were so full of fear that it would make me anxious and/or ill. So I guess I was scared of getting infected –  infected by fear! It is nice to go out and not feel that. Perhaps all the fearful people are hunkered down at home, terrified to go outside?

My daughter informed me that her friends are referring to this virus as the “Boomer Remover”. I almost choked on my breakfast when she told me. I later told my “Boomer” MIL about the name and she burst out laughing. So refreshing to have laughter during such “serious” times. 🙂

Sleep and Dreams

Some other good news is that I have been sleeping really well since last Friday. Yay! No more difficulty going to sleep. No more frequent wakings. Just, deep, restful, dream-filled sleep.

With the increased sleep I have been feeling that “not alone” feeling in the night and during the evenings before sleep. Not knowing who or what the presence was, I say my prayer of protection and drift into dreamland. A couple of nights ago, though, I woke suddenly and saw my Himalayan salt lamp had turned on by itself. It freaked me out a bit but I got up and unplugged it and went back to sleep. Then last night I woke hearing someone say, “We have been watching you.” lol My response was, “That’s great………..” lol

I’ve had a few dreams of note.

In one dream I was at the doctor’s office getting a check-up. The doctor was Dr. Now from My 600lb Life, which was very strange! He was giving me a breast exam and talking to me about an upcoming surgery. He then got out this strange instrument and pressed it into the area just below my ribs, where the ribs meet. He told me he was trying to hook it into my esophagus. I told him it hurt and he suggested I take a small pill that would make me feel spacey and not feel pain. I asked, “Can’t you just do a chest x-ray?” He nodded and said he could. I told him, “I think I had one done in 2011. Maybe you could get my records?”

There was more to the dream but that was the part that stood out. My take on it is that I was getting spiritual work done on my solar plexus in the dreamstate.

In another dream I was back at school, at a college. I recall walking up to a dorm room and standing at the door, #224. I unlocked it and went inside. It was full of young women. Some were sleeping, others sitting together and talking. I sat on my bed and then tried to get some sleep but one of the women kept talking to me. She asked me when I wanted to schedule my internship in the advanced education field I had opted to study – another Master’s degree in teaching. I told her that I had changed my mind and really didn’t need to or want to do it anymore. For some reason I mentioned Montana and how I hated the cold, blustery winters but loved the beautiful mountains. When I spoke of Montana I got a very dreamy feeling and kept wanting to go back to sleep.

My feeling about this dream is that it was me considering yet another path or lesson in this life. I decided it was not what I wanted to do. The mountains and Montana represent a spiritual destination – could be Home or a feeling resembling Home. The sleepy feeling I was having indicates an avoidance and lack of awareness. It is a preference to remain unaware, comfortable or without the knowledge this new lesson could bring.

I’ve had many, many other dreams and dream encounters but most are lost to me now. Once I wake they fade quickly because I have so much to do during the days now – schooling my kids takes up most of my morning. So dreams and the spiritual have taken a back seat to life. I have brief memories of some Kundalini energy here and there, but it is hard to recover.

The Future

My gut feeling and intuition about the Corona Virus pandemic is that most of the fear mongering and Collective fear-based reactions will lessen once we get into the summer – June being the turning point. I don’t feel this means the virus will be “beaten” but that the fear will have abated for the most part and interest will be more on rebuilding and getting back to focusing on living rather than on death.

A quote has been coming to me whenever I think of the quarantine and shelter in place rulings being made all over the country. That quote is, “Every man dies. Not every man truly lives.” You may recognize it. It is from Braveheart.

Hunkering down, waiting out this virus for fear of death is no way to live. A person can only live in fear so long before it consumes them entirely leading to full-on apathy or full-on rage. These are the two directions the emotion will take most people. Prolonged fear and living in the fight-or-flight condition can and will lead to illness and death. Many people lived in complacency and/or apathy prior to this virus. It is likely they will return to that. Some will “wake up” from this experience, most will not.

My hope is that people will at least learn that living in fear is no way to live and recognize just how much fear has dictated and continues to dictate their life and decisions. Maybe for some this will be the “wake up call” they need to change?

We are eternal Beings. The body is just a vessel, something we use to experience the high’s and low’s of life. It is guaranteed that we will suffer while we are in the body. It is also guaranteed that the body will die.

I continue to be reminded by my guidance to “Follow the 8 Winds”:

The “eight winds” are eight influences that agitate and inflame the human heart and mind.* They consist of four favorable circumstances (prosperity, honor, praise, and pleasure) and four setbacks (decline, disgrace, censure, and suffering). Their contents are roughly as follows:

Prosperity: to obtain what one desires

Decline: to suffer loss

Honor: to be admired and praised in one’s absence

Disgrace: to be criticized and defamed in one’s absence (behind one’s back)

Praise: to be admired and praised directly

Censure: to be criticized and defamed directly

Pleasure: to be happy in body and mind

Suffering: to suffer in body and mind

Source

The key to overcoming these is to find balance through non-attachment. You can read more here.

Currently, with the fear of the virus being propagated everywhere, the main attachment people are having is to life via their body. Meaning, they don’t want to lose their body or suffer the pain that may or may not come with it. Others are fearing the loss of loved ones – so they are attached to others and what those others bring to their life.

I am not afraid of my own death or the death of anyone else in my life. I know if I lose a loved one that I will grieve but I also know they are not truly gone, just in another place, a place I am able to contact when I choose. Similarly, others in my family are not afraid because they know what I know. We know pain and loss are possible, but we don’t dwell on it. We choose to operate in the moment, day to day, without fear of “what if”.

The quote above still echos in my mind as I type this. What is it to truly live? I know, for me at least, it means to live from my heart, without fear, taking life by the horns and riding that bull until the very end.

One thing is for certain, though, “it [all things] will pass.”

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Lesson: Overcoming the Fear of Death

After the weird episode of sleep paralysis, my guide was close and instructing me. Unfortunately, I don’t recall everything we discussed as I was in and out of a state that is hard to describe.

I remember being told I would project. I then began to feel odd energy sensations indicative of the trance state except that there was the familiar Kundalini energy sensations as well. I had the energy helmet over my head and my chakras were lit up from my second all the way to my crown. Oddly, the root was not lit up at all. There was confirmation that it would be soon, though, just not at this point or this night.

I went into an in-between state several times after that.

Discussing Fear

I recall standing on the top of a vast mountain range looking out on a beautiful valley that spread for miles. The colors were vibrant and it looked like someone had taken a paintbrush full of every color imaginable and painted the scenery. Fantastically beautiful!

Next to me was my guide and we were discussing fear. It was explained to me that we were to practice confronting one of my last fears. This fear was interfering with my progress.

I said to him, “I am sorry”.

He replied, “It will be easy”.

I looked out on the scene in front of me and the reality took my breathe away. It felt like I was OOB yet there was a different element to it that I couldn’t put my finger on. I began to wonder, “Where are we?” Something in my questioning took me out of this beautiful, serene place and back to my physical awareness.

I was then told there was work to be done and to think of a place that made me happy. I began to think of the mountains and tried to recall the peace and serenity I had just had, but it was hard. The energy sensations then returned and I felt the horizontal and vertical vibrations that have been the norm for me lately.

Viewing and Experiencing Death

Then next thing I remember was both watching and experiencing the death of a man. The man was laying prone, arms and legs spread, as if he had been hit hard and knocked backward to the ground. I remember he was wearing a white shirt and that he was struggling to breathe. I assumed he was either gunshot or hit with something that damaged his chest area.

What is odd here is that I experienced the man’s death as if it were my own. The strange gasping for breath and the feeling of the life draining out of me. I was choking on my own blood. It felt similar to drowning. Not pleasant at all.

I had feelings during this time similar to the feelings I have been having the past several days in which I feel propelled from my body except here I was allowed to see the predecessor to it.

To not want to die; to leave the body by force because the body is dead creates all kinds of distress for the individual inhabiting the body.

Again I felt to be OOB but there was something different about it that was noticeable but indescribable.

I came back to my physical awareness from wherever I had been experiencing this and my guide said, “Death happens to everyone”.

I responded, “I know”.

A part of me worried I was being prepared for death.

He said, “Not that kind of death”.

My thoughts continued on in this direction, trying to put together all of the experiences I had had up to that point. Was I being possessed? Where would I go when I left my body? Would I come back?

I remember hearing responses amidst my questions.

“Death is only the beginning. You must be free of this fear. There can be no resistance”.

I understood what he was referring to. It was the energy swap. Any resistance would hinder the transfer. Fear results in resistance.

I didn’t even know I feared death.

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Watch What You Accept

It was suggested to me the other day that I might have a negative entity around me. I knew this was not true but since I know the individual who suggested it is very in tune spiritually and has a good sense about such things, I considered it might be possible.

My mistake.

Since then I have had dreams with a Satan-like figure in them, seen strange visions of a man I don’t recognize twice, and have been scanning my home for any entity that should not be there.

I thought I found one last night around my son when I was laying near him as he slept. I was not certain but the memory of the suggestion caused me to second guess myself. I quickly surrounded my entire house with light and requested angels be posted at each of the four corners on each level. I then told the entity, who I no longer sensed, “Only my guides and angels are allowed in this space”.

I felt better, but then again all of this could have been avoided if I had not accepted what was not true into my universe.

I normally do not have such dark dreams, even symbolically. I normally do not feel the need to scan my home for Earthbound entities as I know my light far outshines any darkness they could bring and I trust my guides entirely in their role as protectors. I normally am confident in my knowingness and do not doubt it. I even went as far as to worry I may have an incubus around me since my dreams have been so sexually-oriented, doubting my knowingness that it is all normal root and second chakra kundalini activity!

Oh how the seeds of doubt grow quickly when fed!

So, be careful what considerations you accept from others because when you do, you create the possibility of it in your universe.

There is no bad, no good, only that which Is.

I am grateful that someone cared enough about me to share their concern. This was a good lesson for me to realize so “thank you” to them. 🙂

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Observations

An interesting thing happened yesterday that quite took me by surprise.

This year, like all the years since I married my husband, all the family met after Christmas to celebrate together the “Hedge Christmas”. The name comes from one year when the host used a bush as the Christmas tree and thus the name stuck ever since. In total, about 20 people sit cramped in a small living area and exchange gifts, one at a time. It usually takes at least three hours for the gift giving and in between we eat and chat and see family we have not seen in a long time. FYI – this “family” is not blood family, they are friends of my husband who he loves very much and the only relation is that his brother is married to a daughter who is related to the main family in this group. She is rarely ever in attendance BTW.

The celebration was set for the evening at 7pm, which is not the usual and I worried about my babies being tired as their bedtime is at 8:30pm. I asked the night before for my guides to help me through the event because every year I end up a knot of nerves and unsettled energy. I never quite feel comfortable and always want to leave as soon as I can.

The big surprise for me was that I did not once, NOT ONCE, feel unsettled, anxious, fidgety or energetically unbalanced. In fact, I felt completely calm, relaxed and comfortable. The event went well, though my children did end up screaming and crying from being overtired and wanting their beds. Funny enough, even my children’s crying and misbehavior did not get on my nerves.

When I got in the car to head home I quietly congratulated myself and searched in vain for the knot of energy that typically sits in my stomach after such an event. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I was so unsure what to do with this new feeling that I even tried to conjure up the familiar feeling, certain that I must have missed it somewhere in the chaos of crying children and gift giving.

I couldn’t find it…..anywhere.

Observations

One of the things I was able to do at this family event was take notice of the reactions of different individuals to me. I mainly do this by paying attention to their responses and to how their energy feels.

One particular young lady I know is very cautious of me. I am deserving of this and feel bad that I have made her cautious of me. I never intended any rudeness toward her, but in the past I have been in a not so good place around her and I have a tendency to snap and give off negative vibes when I feel overwhelmed energetically. Rather than let my ego respond to her cautious response to me, I merely recognized my responsibility for it and knew that it would take a long time to repair. I knew to only send her positive vibes and treat her as I would treat myself from now on and that eventually she would let down her guard. I obviously hurt her and like anyone who has been hurt she responded by putting up her guard. I would do the same.

This young lady is in fact the one whose face I kept seeing when I was doing yoga. From the experience I recognized that I often reject in others that which I have denied myself. This young lady is happy, naively innocent in many ways, and generally good-natured and warm-hearted. So when I was around her in the past I was not very nice to her.

With other individuals in the group, I did not find the same energy. Most were happy to have me respond differently to the situation and I even got hugs from them. Some even reacted in surprise to my calm, open receptiveness. But with them all there was an uncertainty there as if they secretly wondered, “How will she be tonight?”

My husband has told me that most of them are afraid of me. I laugh at that because I am truly very harmless. However, I am loud and blunt and often say things that come out all wrong and with the wrong energy. Though I have not done this to most of them, they have heard about me and so my reputation has them a bit nervous.

Yes, I can be that bad. I am not very fun when I feel trapped. I am like a hyper bird in a cage who keeps bumping their head into the bars in an attempt to get free. If someone happens to be in my way, well they end up with a wing in their face unfortunately.

I am working on that. lol

After last night’s victory, I was able to see that I have not lately had much of that anxious energy that I have lived with my entire life. Usually, when I am in groups the energy is really bad and can make me literally run the other way. This mostly happens in groups larger than five people, even family groups larger than this. During my first spiritual awakening this feeling intensified and would rise up to my throat and cause me to noticeably shake and tremble. I learned quickly that this rise of energy was connected to Spirit and how to control it and it soon stopped almost completely. But there still remained the nervous knot in my stomach that would cause me to eventually feel all the symptoms of major anxiety as listed in the DSM-IV (I think it is now DSM-V now though). At its worst, I felt this high anxiety even when alone.

This energy came back the day after the 12th of this month, when I had the intense kundalini energy. It rose up so fast within me that I ended up outside all day long in order to get it under control. I must admit, it is a scary feeling even for one who at one point was accustomed to it. I am in awe of my past self for surviving so many months of this feeling almost non-stop. How did I do it??

Denying Emotion

When I think about how different I feel I cannot help but connect it to message I keep getting from my guides. They have said, “You are changing” and “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I am now seeing it, feeling it, more and more.

One of the things I am working on was made apparent to me last night in my sleep. I do not remember my dreams now but I was talking with a woman about emotion and holding pieces of what appeared to be pictures that represented emotions. When I awoke I said to someone (I was still conversing as if in the dream), “So denying emotion denies me access to myself?”

What I am able to remember from my dream discussion is that every time we avoid a situation because it causes us anxiety or discomfort, we are denying ourselves an opportunity to really know our Self. Because in each uncomfortable feeling, each uncomfortable experience, we are forced to grow and expand beyond our safe place. It forces us to glimpse within our Self a piece of the unknown; a piece of our forgotten Self. It also allows us to grow into acceptance of not only ourselves but of others. For in each expanding experience, each challenging, excruciatingly difficult confrontation with our Self, we expand also for everyone else.

So the next time I find myself sitting in an uncomfortable space, one that makes me want to run the other way or that fills me up with such anxiety and fear that I want to lash out at someone, I need to sit with the feelings and listen. I need to let the feelings flow through me and in doing that I will be able to see the truth behind them. And in seeing that truth be released from the fear, the anxiety and other negative feelings that result from the denial of that truth.

There really isn’t any horrible monster hiding behind that fear. It is only me.

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Purging Continues

Since the big bang of kundalini energy I experienced on the 12th, I have not had anything near as intense occur. Additionally, I have not had any significant lucid dreams or OBEs. I am told this will continue through the end of the year and not to expect any major changes until January 2015. Apparently, I am in an adjustment period but I am not really sure what that means. I do know that I have been sleeping very deeply and for long periods of time. I have also met a new assistant named Eron who has been communicating with me.

Purging Continues

Even though kundalini has slowed down considerably I continue to experience buzzing and pulling energy in certain chakras, primarily my crown and lower four chakras. As I begin to once again remember my dreams I am noticing that my dreams tend to be about making decisions, confronting fears and accepting change.

Fear of Success

One main fear that I am working on is the fear of success. A dream I had two nights ago indicates that I am afraid of the responsibilities that come with success and power, specifically group norms and rules of those who enjoy a high standard of living. In the dream my husband was promoted to a high position and I was as well. I was told this by someone who worked for the police department and the position my husband got was one of those high up political positions that comes with high pay and lots of responsibility. I had no issue with my husband’s promotion but I was told that I would also be rising to an administrative type position. I was not concerned about my ability to do the job and even visited my past assignment to say goodbye and prepare to leave. However, on my first encounter with the higher-ups I grew nervous because I did not like “fake” people and could sense their pretense.

When I woke from this dream I felt very unsettled. I could feel energy all around my head buzzing and expanding. I instantly thought that if I wanted to have success in my life that I would have to confront my uncomfortableness with groups and pretense.

Self-Denial

Last night I had a dream where I was moving very swiftly down a highway with my daughter. I do not recall being in a car but there was cars all around me. The cars in front suddenly slowed and stopped and we passed by an accident where a truck had hit people. Three dead bodies littered the road and ambulances and police cars were all around, their lights flashing. I remember looking at a dead woman’s body and another body with head trauma and feeling bad for them.

We continued on the highway and then there appeared a man standing in the middle of the road in front of me. He had dark hair and was wearing blue jeans and a blue-gray t-shirt. I stopped and escorted him off the road. When we reached the side of the road there was a woman standing behind some railings. She looked at me and said point blankly, “You’re late”.

The dream then shifted and I was visiting a school for juvenile delinquents. I was a substitute half-day and just sat in the class while the kids calmed down. The lights had been turned off and we all just sat there. Then the teacher came in and the students left. A meeting was held and the boss was chastising a teacher for having a relationship with a student. I left with the others and thought to myself, “I am so glad I don’t work there anymore”.

Upon leaving I entered an elevator and went down to the first floor. From there the dream went black and I found myself in a void. I was semi-lucid here and had a conversation with two men.

At some point I began to wake up from orgasmic sensations that began to move upward toward my heart chakra. When I became conscious of the sensations I inadvertently stopped them from reaching my heart. Upon realizing what I did and recognizing some things about myself and my life, I broke down in tears.

Eron

My new assistant (or new to me at least) quickly began to talk me through whatever was happening. I recognized that I had been denying myself so many things in life and was grieving over this. He told me that I had the power to enjoy life again; to experience pleasure again. It was all up to me. All I could think about was that if I enjoyed life again I would hurt others. I was reminded that sometimes the help we give to others is not always viewed as “good”, that even those things we do that are considered “bad” are assisting others.

I began to enter the in-between state that I often do upon waking too early in the morning to conversations with a guide. It was during this time that I was awakened by words from my guide. He said to me, “My name is Eron. I am the first of your family. I am here to help”.

This woke me up because I did not know what he meant by “first of the family”. What family? And why “first?

I then wondered about him because I could not get a visual of him which is usual since most of my guides “show” themselves to me either in dreams or in a “picture” in my mind. So, I asked him, “What do you look like?

He replied, “I am silver”.

Silver? What does that mean? I wondered to myself. Then I asked him, “What do I look like?”

He replied, “You are white”.

I thought about this for some time because I had never considered my “color” or my guide’s “color”. What do the colors mean? Are they like what Newton’s patients describe in his books? Is our color representative of where we are developmentally?

Based upon Newton’s premise, white is the color of a beginning soul. However, there is no mention of silver. I was never quite comfortable with Newton’s idea of soul’s having a certain color based upon development and now I am again wondering if it is inaccurate.

Dream Recall

Interestingly, I recalled a dream I had last week as I typed the above considerations. It was a short dream and one that really seemed insignificant at the time, but perhaps there was more to it than I realized?

In the dream I had returned to the house we sold in July. I was walking up the back steps to the porch where a couple of people stood. I do not know who they are now, but in the dream they seemed to be old friends of mine.

When I approached one exclaimed, “You are so white!” I looked down at myself and said, “Yeah, I have not been out in the sun much lately”. I had assumed they meant my skin was pale because I had not been sun bathing! lol

Now as I recall the dream I am wondering if they were in fact trying to focus my attention on the changes within me. I hear over and over from my Higher Self, “You have changed. Don’t you feel it?” And I do notice a change but it is not that noticeable to me.

by

Chicken

I have been reading a book called The Other Side of God: The Eleven Gem Odyssey of Being by Susan Kailor. I have struggling to read it for some reason and though I do feel more optimistic after reading a chapter, I never really want to read another one. Perhaps there is something I am reading I do not like?

I know lately I have not liked the idea of forever; being a infinite being with infinite possibilities. I have never really liked the idea. There is too much unknown about it. I have no idea what one would do for forever. All I know is what I have remembered and that is that I have lived life after life, seemingly trapped in Earth and other world experiences. Although I have remembered some of my between life experiences, it is so limited and seems to support the idea that each of us ends up repeating the cycle of life over and over again. I am told by my guides that I do this “to learn” but something about that answer does not sit well with me. What if I am tired of learning? What if I don’t want to be infinite or forever? What do I do if I want the endless cycle of life to stop? What if I completely refuse to come back after this life – what would they do? Drag me kicking and screaming to my next body?

From what I have read, there is no forcing anyone into a body or a lifetime of bodies. This is done by choice. And from recent books I have read, I am beginning to think that the reason we go back into life is more of a feeling of being incomplete. We are “incomplete” because we chose to forget in order to experience ourselves through a specific experience or experiences. The current book I am reading supports this notion also while at the same time implying that we can change this process simply by dropping the current “masks” we wear that support a “theme” we have carried with us lifetime after lifetime. Freedom also comes by throwing off the illusion of right or wrong. This I have already recognized as truth, but have not fully integrated.

All of this is overwhelming. I am just now realizing that I am feeling overwhelmed, though. I did not recognize this on Monday when I first got the idea that I do not want the experiences I have been having anymore. I also thought that I do not want to post any of my OBEs, dreams or such on FB or in my FB groups. In fact, I feel like just ignoring FB altogether for a while. I found myself feeling like an outcast in the groups I am a part of. I feel so different and so invalidated by the fact that I am so different. I just don’t think anyone anywhere understands me and it upsets me that I cannot communicate what is going on within me to anyone, even myself. There is such a strong disconnect between my Earth Self and my Higher Self right now and I sense that even more than ever. It is as if my Earth Self is so afraid to expand that she is shrinking back from her Higher Self. If this continues, then I know that the cycle I want so badly to free myself from, will continue. As this feeling increases, I want even more badly to hide and withdraw.

Chicken

All these realization came out in my dreams last night. I had one vivid dream where I was visiting my Mom and found her inside a chicken pen inside a bathtub. She had diverted all the water to her bath and was happily lounging in the tub. I do not recall seeing her, just knowing she was there in the tub. I spoke with her briefly about her chickens. I saw them outside the fence, trapped, and not able to get back inside. She flipped a switch and water was released to the chickens who happily drank from it, leaving their pacing at the fence.

I then noticed there were chicken eggs all around the chicken coup. There was also a small brown hen trying to gather up the eggs under her but unable to do so. I mentioned this to my mom and went about picking up the eggs. I began to worry they had gone bad, though, or at the very least had been partially incubated. So I threw one egg on the ground to check it. The yolk was gray and I sensed it was rotten. Usually the chickens eat a broken egg, but the chickens ignored it. I looked closer and saw that it had indeed been partially incubated. I could see the tiny embryo and the blood vessels to it.

chicken eggInterpretation and Symbolism

To see a chicken in a dream suggests cowardliness and/or a lack of willpower. It can represent being a “chicken” or chickening out of a situation. Considering my feelings about life lately, this makes perfect since. I so want to give up and retreat!

The eggs in my dream suggest that I am contemplating a situation in which there is possibility for achievement and making progress towards my goals. Usually a nest of eggs means financial gain but I saw the eggs scattered and more lined up than in a pile. This could mean that I do not recognize the financial gain as important or am not able to see the possibility of it. I gathered the eggs, which indicates I am open to the idea of progress and want to embrace my creative potential, but cracking the egg and seeing it rotten indicates that I do not feel able or worthy. In fact, a broken egg suggests one is “walking on eggshells” or feel fragile or vulnerable. Seeing the newly formed baby chick could have been me recognizing potential for creativity and how I am feeling uncertain about my own ability and creative potential.

Then there is the fence and the chickens being trapped on the other side. This I recognized immediately as my own feelings of being “trapped”. The chickens went toward the water which could mean that I need to explore my emotions in order to escape the trapped feeling.

Grocery Store

I had another dream where I was visiting a huge grocery store similar to Sam’s Club. I had a basket but it was small and I spent the majority of the dream seeking out a larger basket, one that could carry more food and accommodate my children. I kept encountering more baskets, but they were all very small and not appropriate for my needs. I recall passing by a large, cooked pot roast and saw it cut and fall apart in front of me. It was very appealing and I wanted it. I recall thinking I would come back and get it once I got the right sized basket. The image of it was so vivid that I could almost smell it! I then walked toward the front of the store and passed by this man. He was large and burly, his face and body very hairy. I remember he was intently watching me and walked past him, ignoring him. Then I went to the front and saw an employee in red moving a bunch of carts. I thought he would have a large one, but he only showed me more of the same size carts. I inquired about the larger carts. He pointed to one for a handicapped person. I shook my head and told him it was wrong. I finally took one of the carts and left, disappointed.

Interpretation and Symbolism

A grocery store or market symbolizes a lacking or some emotional or physical need in life. The items being shopped for indicate the areas of need. In this case, I was not shopping for store items but looking for the basket. This tells me that I feel ill prepared with the current resources at my disposal (the basket). Since my basket is empty and I do not fill it, it could represent that I feel I have no resources at my disposal. I feel I need more resources (bigger basket) in order to handle the emotional and/or physical needs I have in life. Specifically, I think of having to carrying my children and this feel like a burden without a larger basket. Perhaps I need more support?

Reflection

I can’t help but think “What is the point?” It is as if I am on a path, deep in the dark woods. I can barely see ahead of me and the road splits in several directions. The signs are broken and unreadable. I don’t know which way to go. In fact, I have forgotten altogether where I am going. So, I sit down and stare ahead of me at the different routes. I need guidance but there is no one there. I need a friend, but I have none. I probably should just pick a road, because part of me tells me they all lead to the same place, but I am tired of this journey. I silently pray that an aircraft comes to pick me up and take me away.

My dreams reflect perfectly how I was feeling last night. I almost felt on the verge of insanity, but I had no idea why. I even asked my guide if I were going crazy and he laughed and said, “No, not this life”. Then I began thinking and saying to him, “I don’t want to know anymore” and felt very unsettled, as if all of this experience were too unreal and knowing it was all an illusion. I stared at things and thought, “It seems so real, but it is an illusion”. Part of me could not accept this at all. Part of me wants badly for it all to be real. Without the realness, what is there? What do I hold onto? That is the scariest thing to consider and I believe it is what is holding me back. How does one take the plunge into the unknown?

My guide is irritatingly optimistic right now. He laughs and smiles a lot. I want to swat him away like an irritating fly. I say to him, “You sure have a lot of faith in me” and he smirks saying, “You are doing well”. I suppose being pushed to my limits is a good thing in his eyes. At least I do get from him, “Be patient. Baby steps”. That tells me he understands and that my over-eagerness to overcome my own limitations is responsible for the very feelings I am having.