Tag Archives: friendship

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Message: We Win When We All Win

It stormed again last night. It is suppose to rain all week, probably at night. It has been a very wet Spring! 

After being awakened by the storm, I fell back to sleep and had a healing dream with a message.

In the dream, I returned to an old school gym from my elementary and middle school years. It was the original gym of the old original town schoolhouse that we used in elementary school for gym class. When I was in middle school, the gym and schoolhouse was shut down to remove asbestos and make it safe to use. In the dream, I went into the girls dressing room accompanied by other young girls. I don’t think I knew most of them but we were all young, like 10 years old. I went inside and found a purse inside an old locker, my old locker. I brought it back out and showed the other girls. It was pink and still had the original plastic wrapping on it. There was a logo or drawing on it of a band I had never heard of. I commented that it might be worth something since it was so well preserved. Then I opened the zipper to the change purse. Inside was a wad of money. I took it out, oohing and awing over it and showing the girls. I could sense a girl I once knew in the background watching – Nicki Bitch is the name I gave her long ago and still call her that. I said it surely was not much money because Nicki said something along the lines of I must have put the purse there or stolen it or worse. I sifted through the money and pulled out one twenty, two, three an then a fifty! Nicki was still commenting that it was a ruse and couldn’t be true and I was saying how it was true and I must have gone back to the gym in my middle school years and placed the purse in the locker. She wasn’t convinced and the other girls were believing her over me (typical). I finally lost my nerve and called her out, reminding the others that she only befriended people who had something she wanted and was known to lie and manipulate others into doing what she wanted. Everyone got quiet and Nicki walked away along with some of the other girls. I knew she was likely planning on doing something to me for revenge. That is how she was. She would hold onto her anger and get revenge years later if she had to, waiting for the perfect timing. I lingered in the gym with my best friend somewhat worried about how she would make me pay.

The dream shifted and I was still with my friend. We were late to a funeral. It was related to Nicki Bitch but I don’t think it was her funeral (not sure whose it was). We arrived just in time to see a group of people leave a church and head towards the cemetery. We decided to join the group and as we were walking towards the group, a couple of girls and their parents appeared and walked alongside us. One girl turned to me and said, “I won’t be listening to you about friends” (or something similar). I told her I didn’t blame her and that she should listen to her heart when it came to choosing friends, not me. Then I apologized for my outburst in the gym earlier. I told her my outburst was because I hadn’t done the work and healed myself. The mother of the girl nodded her head and the girl accepted my apology. It felt like my words were truth and something about them woke me.

Message

I lingered in bed thinking of the dream and how I hadn’t had a dream about my school years in a very long time. During that time I spoke with my guidance and thought through other similar scenarios from my youth. One was how that girl – Nicki Bitch – convinced all my classmates to vote for my best friend as most likely to succeed despite the fact that, as Valedictorian, that spot was meant for me. Not only did my “best friend” agree to the nomination, but she won and later made it clear that she no longer considered me her friend. Not only did Nicki get her revenge but my friend seemed to have abandoned me for the entirety of our senior year. Funny enough, I didn’t ever lash out against my friend, defending her to others when they brought up how she was treating me and always remaining steadfast in our friendship despite her ghosting of me. I was told with this memory that I did well and my actions were a reflection of my inner true self. I heard, “We win when we all win” and that in that moment when I was betrayed by my friend a part of me knew this.

I’d always wondered why I acted the way I did in my youth. I often did things without knowing why and sometimes they made me look like a fool. As I matured I began to withhold that part of myself, convincing myself that it was wrong. Perhaps my guidance is correct and I was my true self more then than I am now?

I also recognized that I was holding onto the hurt from my youth and using it as an excuse and sort of protection against future hurt. The purse and money within shows how much I have invested in it – the lesson, and my response to others, especially groups. Instead of calling out Nicki Bitch like I did in real life (and the dream) I should have quietly distanced myself from her and surrounded myself with those who really recognized my value. But I felt a need to call attention to how wrong she was and how right I was. Whenever anyone does that it doesn’t often turn out well in the end. I deduced from that experience and other future similar experiences that most people have friends primarily for selfish means (to gain something for themselves). For example, my ex husband specifically told me that he liked to have a lot of friends because “I might need help some day”. And my current husband also values friends for that reason, though he is usually the one helping them. He is oblivious to the fact that some of the “friends” are only his friends when they need something from him. I detest this kind of friendship as it is fake and selfish. True friendship is not for gain alone. It really irritates me that so many have shallow friendships. I wouldn’t even categorize them as such but call them associates. 

Still, though, the message “we win when we all win” is a common one. It upsets me, though, because it suggests that I should allow others to win despite my own hurt or upset in the process. Like with my friend, I allowed her treatment of me without even feeling hurt really because I loved her and understood she was going through a challenging time. Funny enough, when she apologized years later she told me exactly that! And I told her I never begrudged her and still thought of her as a friend, which surprised her. Then, later, I began to convince myself that my response to her mistreatment had been wrong. Now I am seeing it was not.

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Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

Lots of vivid dreams lately. I have also been exhausted. Yesterday was better energy-wise, though I slept until 9am which is unheard of for me. The day before I actually took a nap which is also rare for me.

Last night I slept light compared to the last few nights. There is a sense of being pushed by my guidance again; like I am being asked to return to and inspect certain issues. I was not expecting what happened in dreamtime.

Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

This dream began in a classroom. I was observer and also participant. The room itself was small and cast in a golden color. In it was a group of students, me included. The assignment was to create a video (review past situation or lesson). I don’t recall the specific subject (love maybe?) but I think it was a parody (making light of the issue).

I was given a long poem (improve communication with someone) and ended up making it into a song (expression of emotion). I spent a good portion of this part of the dream singing the song but can’t recall any of it except that it had no chorus and made little sense.

Eventually I was called to play my part. This is when I became the observer and from a distance I looked closely at myself and saw my face was covered in acne (feeling awkward or out of place in a situation or relationship) lesions and scarring. I said aloud, “I look awful.” There was recognition, though, that the me I was observing seemed not to be upset by how she looked. She wasn’t even wearing makeup (not hiding).

The me in the scene was asked to find a swimming cap (put a cap on emotion) and goggles (protect self from emotional harm) from another classroom (lesson). I was told, “It is under my swimsuit” by the girl requesting it. I went to the classroom and found the things and then got lost on the way back looking for the 5th grade hallway.

There is a shift here and I end up on my way home with a load of groceries (emotional fulfillment/nourishment) in the trunk (old issues) of my car. I run into another teacher and stop to chat. He also had groceries in his car. There is a strong connection between us and I keep finding excuses to stay despite my son coming and interrupting our conversation several times.

I asked the man if he wanted help unloading his groceries then stayed and chatted with him about random topics. We got along really well and it seemed there was a telepathic connection between us also. I knew he felt our connection. The elephant in the room in the dream was we were both married.  There was an unspoken understanding that we could never be anything but friends.

It seemed as though much time had passed, me continuing to visit with him and our friendship growing. There was one discussion about the sky (possibility) and how it could foretell the future. He looked up and said, “I see thousands of faces (possible selves) in the clouds.” I said, “You do?” When I looked it was mostly blue with some very high level stratus clouds. My son came over and interrupted again talking about what he saw in the clouds. I don’t remember what he said but the man looked at me and he said, “That means romance.” Uncomfortable, I looked away and said, “I know…”

I could see my son and husband across the way tending to a stock tank (pond). The land was bare, mostly reddish dirt. I knew the man I was with also had a pond (keeping emotions contained). I mentioned that he might have to dig a trench connecting our ponds to keep the water level up. I could see that the water in my pond was low and muddy (muddy emotion).

For some reason I told him about a parrot (repetition of information, could be a person) that had gotten into my room one time and how it’s loud squawking startled me awake so I gave it away. I was laughing about it when I sensed a shift in his emotions. Up until that point it seemed we had been purposefully avoiding talking about our connection. We loved each other so much but also knew we could not be together except as friends. It was a painful reality no person would want to confront.

I turned to face him. His was so beautiful and safe. He opened his arms and I crawled inside his embrace. He pulled me close to him and I rested my head on his chest. I could feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat and feel his muscular arms. It was so very real. It seemed like we were sitting on a train (life’s journey) or a plane near the window. He was looking out the window holding me close. We seemed to be traveling together. I wanted to stay there with him, to never leave his arms.

The more I fell into the moment, fully surrendering to the love, the more lucid I became. A warmth welled up from within me, pooling in my root chakra and then exploding upward like a geyser into my heart and throat. In the dream I began to cry tears of joy and snuggled even closer to my lover and best friend. His warmth mirrored the warmth within me. The feeling was/is familiar. It is perfection. Divinity. Wholeness.

The energy became so intensely beautiful that it woke me up. I resisted waking, grasping for what remained of our beautiful connection. All I wanted was to stay in his arms, close my eyes and BE. But the dream vanished leaving me with the stark realization that I was – am –  alone. The love and connection was gone. I cried.

I couldn’t sleep after that. The dream was a reminder of everything I don’t have in my life. There is a Knowing that I could have what I had in my dream and a strong urge to rush out into the world and find it. It is like I am being Called. I am no stranger to this feeling and am good at suppressing it now. An old pro. Just push it down, down, down and use logic to remind myself of reality.

My partner in Spirit was there. I’m not sure if he was helping or not because it seemed he was encouraging me to change my reality to match my dream. But the scenario in my dream was obvious. Whoever that man was I could only be his friend. In the dream I was okay with that, we both were. We were happy just having one another close by. That was enough. Could I live that reality? I don’t know. Considering I don’t have anyone like that “close by” I suppose I don’t have to worry about it.

Dream: Sharks in the Water

My entire pelvis area was stiff and uncomfortable and I thought there no way I would return to sleep, but somehow I did. In this dream I was traveling with a man. The part I recall the most is seeing him, his dark hair covered in shampoo (clearing out old attitudes and beliefs, taking a new course in a relationship or situation). I also had shampoo all over my hair and I said to him, “We look funny don’t we.” I was amused but he seemed overly serious, like he was deep in thought. He turned and pointed to a camera (clinging to the past, get clearer picture or idea of something) that was laying near a pile of dirty laundry and a washing machine. He said, “You might want to take that with you when you go.” I said, “Sure. Of course.” There was a memory that we had borrowed the camera from a friend and the friend was impatient to have it returned.

I picked up the camera. My mind went to my car. I would need to put the camera in the glove compartment so I wouldn’t forget it when I left. When I saw the pile of laundry (cleaning up or changing attitudes and self)  I gathered some up and put it in the wash. There was still a pile of dirty gray (depression, fear) bed sheets (sexuality). I said, “Looks like I will have to do more laundry.”

Then I was walking through the house (own soul/self). There were three doors at the entry. One was the main entrance and the other two went to bedrooms. One bedroom was empty inside and I knew it was haunted (repressed emotion). The first time I went into the room it was empty. The second time the man was there.

Next, I was in my car with my son. His glasses were dirty so I cleaned them (seeking understanding). Then I put them on and noticed his prescription was almost like mine but the left side was blurry. I gave them back to him.

Then we were going back to the house. The entire front yard was covered in a thick, spongy material that looked gray at first but then turned vivid green. The walkway was overgrown with weeds (feeling cast aside, relationship gone wrong), though. My children came walking toward the car with fishing poles (exploring subconscious). A man said, “We can’t go fishing. There are sharks in the water (harm to self).”

Heartsick

All I can say is that I have not been myself today. These dreams, especially the first, made a big impression on me. I think something shifted inside, at my core. Mostly I feel sad and lonely. That connection from the dream is real. It exists in this reality, not just in a dream, not just as Kundalini. And when I touch upon it like I did in that dream I wake up changed. I’m homesick and …heartsick. I’ve never missed someone/something so much. It is times like these I just don’t understand. I don’t know what to do when this feeling hits me. I never do. Of all the feelings I’ve ever experienced, this yearning is the worst. My heart hurts and it seems like I can’t do anything about it.