Tag Archives: grief

by

Wounded Healer Cycle: Wound, Work, Resolution

I had a Human Design Chiron Return reading last Wednesday but I’m still process it.

The entire week was a rough one and I am still working through some crazy emotions this week. It is all part of the wounded healer cycle of Chiron Return and at least now I know the specific cycle and how to use this knowledge to my advantage.

First, last week was horrendous in terms of emotional healing work. I was house sitting for my mom, so back in my childhood home, which I find fitting considering the healing work that I’m doing (forced to do). I spent the darkest days of my Saturn Return at the same house and, of course, part of my childhood years as well. It was not lost to me that I had come full circle, back to the beginning so to speak, or the end depending on how you view it. So I KNEW some work was about to happen, but I had no clue how intense it would be.

I purged in ways I didn’t know possible. Aside from the decimation I felt after my heart connection ghosted me, this has been the most challenging process I’ve had to go through – and it is far from done! The emotion would hit me mainly in the solar plexus but also other chakras as if giving me notice of what kind of emotion was coming up for release. It would hit so hard I could hardly breathe and my entire body would shudder. It felt as if I were dying at times. The emotions often made no sense. They were chaotic and unorganized, bouncing around inside until released. I found that walking, sometimes outside, other times back and forth inside, was soothing to my system. I must have walked miles of circles around the living room!

The day of the reading I had already gone through two days and three nights of purging. The reading was interrupted twice by thunderstorms which knocked out the power, and the internet, which I felt was symbolic of my inner turmoil. Thankfully, the storm passed and I was able to get the data I was looking for.

My Chiron Wounded Healer Cycle:

WOUND: 3.6 Surrender

The ultimate maturity to recognize when struggle is futile. 

Sun exalted. As its light sustains, so life goes on. The innate acceptance that ordering is a process, not a problem. 

Pluto detriment. As darkness overwhelms, life can seem worthless leading to depression and the sense of hopelessness. The overwhelming power of confused energy can lead to depression.

—————————-

WORK: 3.3 Survival

The ability to recognize and distinguish between fertile and sterile in their various manifestations. 

Venus exalted. In reproduction, the ability to choose the best mate. An innate knowing of what is sterile and what is fertile where the mutation is specifically biological and dependent on collaboration with others. 

Pluto detriment. The perverse denial of evolutionary standards. An innate contrariness which refuses to mutate.

—————————-

RESOLUTION: 3.1Synthesis

Difficulties can be only overcome when all the pertinent factors have been analyzed. 

Earth exalted. The understanding that confusion is natural and must always exist before clarity can be achieved. An innate knowing that order will emerge from confusion. 

Mercury detriment. The reliance on intellect at the expense of intuition can lead to unnecessary frustration. The inability to know that order will emerge and the drive to find this knowing elsewhere.

——————————

Pluto is really a pain in my ass. Look at those depressing detriments!

I tend to go into depression on the wound part. I think I enjoy it to the extent that I’ve become somewhat addicted to it. I love to wallow in the melancholic. It can be quite beautiful. It always leads to a release via clarity.

In the work stage I come to recognize my healing is tied to my connections, especially my mate (is this from Venus I wonder?). In this particular instance it is my ex but I think at the core the wound came from much earlier and through familial bonds.

When I reach the healing part I understand a process must play out and I relax into it, trusting all will work out as intended. I’ve been really struggling to stop investing in the outcome, though. Thinking of all the “what if’s” has kept me awake one too many nights.

I wish the cycle wouldn’t repeat every day, though. Sigh. 

Core Wound

I think one of my core wounds was triggered during my parent’s divorce. My world was turned upside down. I struggled with anger and other emotions and had to go to counseling. They labeled me “emotionally disturbed”. The chaos of the situation was too much for me and my parents were so caught up in their own personal chaos that they weren’t really able to help me. My mom did, later, at the urging of the school because my behavior was creating issues. She was advised to move me away from my dad whose behavior was the source of my reactive behavior.

My dad was emotionally distant and struggled to express love. He very angry and vengeful and targeted my mom through us, especially me. I didn’t want to see him when it was time for visitation. My older sister could stay home since she was old enough, but me, being only 8, and my younger sister, 5, had no choice. I would often have meltdowns as he came to pick us up. I remember being forced to get in his car and my mom telling me how sorry she was but that I had to go.

On the car rides to his place where he lived with his new wife, he would tell me how she was my “new mom” and I would be living with them and how he planned to not take me back home to my mom. I didn’t like it there. The woman was a stranger to me and seemed cold and uncaring. She had kids my age, though, which helped distract me via our playtime. 

My dad broke into the house and threatened my mom. She bought a gun out of fear for her safety. I never knew what I would find when I came home. One time he broke into the house and stolen a jar of change I had in my bedroom.

I was so traumatized by these interactions with my dad that I began to memorize the path to his house. I didn’t realize I was doing this until my mom asked me if I could take her there. My dad had purposefully hidden his location from her to avoid being arrested for not paying child support. My mom recalled how I seemed to know even the tiniest of details about how to get there. In the end, I took her directly to the house, she noted the address and then took me to Dairy Queen for an ice cream reward. 

When I was 10yrs old, my dad had me and my sisters for a week at his apartment in Houston. He left us alone most of the day while he worked. When it was time to go home my dad refused to take us. I went into panic mode and began to cry and protest loudly. He laughed. It was an evil, sadistic kind of laugh and made me all the more afraid. He only laughed like that when he had the intention to hurt or harm. I demanded to call my mom and he eventually let me. She asked me for location and I told her what I knew. It must have been more info than my dad thought I had and he eventually changed course and took us home. I didn’t see him for years after that. 

So, this core wound is connected to relationships with men, the first man being my own father. It is connected to feelings of trauma, uncertainty, loss of control and fear. It is connected to panic and a strong desire to run and get away. My little child mind was unable to handle the chaos and confusion I felt inside. And now I am feeling many of these same feelings but the circumstances are very different. I’m not in danger. No one is threatening to kidnap me or keep me from going home. Yet my trauma has been triggered and the feelings rise up to be released and I must not over identify with them because they are old, stagnant and do not apply to the present situation. 

When I visited Costa Rica I recall standing on the rocky coastline looking out at the ocean. I could hear nothing but the roaring of the waves. Numb and feeling uncertain about my future, my guide whispered, “You are safe here.” I immediately burst into tears. It was the first time I recognized how unsafe I felt. I believe this was a foreshadowing of what I am experiencing now. 

I don’t feel safe in this world, in this body, in this life, and it causes me to put distance between myself and others. I don’t trust others or this world because I was let down by my father, someone who was suppose to love me and keep me safe. He was suppose to cherish me and protect me from harm. But he did the opposite and the scars are destroying my relationships.

I don’t know how to resolve this. I know this wound was there before I came into this life. It was just reopened by my childhood experiences and then later opened via other instances where similar feelings arose. The circumstances that trigger the feelings are not important. It is the feelings themselves that are destructive because they come with decisions. Decisions like, “I wont let this happen to me again”, or “I can’t trust anyone. I can only trust myself.” These decisions have dictated my path up until now. I have retreated so far into myself that I don’t know if I can come back. And when I do, I fear opening up to and trusting others. To do so would be risky. That little child comes out and wants to run and hide. 

The most memorable part of the emotional releases I’ve been experiencing are just how physical they are. Again, the closest experience to this was when my heart connection stopped communicating with me. I remember the only way I got through that time was to surrender. This came via an OBE where I was struggling in a vast, dark ocean, nearly drowning. When I surrendered, I floated there and stared at the stars in the night sky. The dark waves eventually deposited my body on the beach where I remember celebrating. From that point on it was still difficult but at least I could breathe. I guess I need to do the same with this, only my Chiron Return isn’t actually done until May 2027.

The HD analyst told me that it seems like my process had a jump start (it began mid-year last year) and explained that happens sometimes. She is halfway through her Chiron and just now noticed it. Of course I would plan my life to jump head first into heavy emotional crap.

I’ll write another post about the content of the reading soon. Here is a song that was sent to me recently to remind me to surrender.

by

Digging In

Reached out to an online friend yesterday for some advice on everything that is happening with me – the strange “this is not my life” feeling, the anxiety and panic, the energy sickness, the high emotion.

We chatted for a long while yesterday and last night. Here is something she advised:

Well…if you don’t know what you want to do, but you want to be whole. I’d try my best to stop looking at anyone at all and focus back on you even though you’re so tired and not happy yet, and you feel like you’re getting somewhere then stay there and go within until spirit guides you elsewhere! It’s all about timing. Let the brain stop running circles on you. Maybe some cranial sacral would assist your thoughts! Clues!

The bottom line spiritually….from my guides and yours pow wow downloads they’re giving me. You’re getting caught in fear and doubt and your nervous system is telling you so and you need help. You’re not asking for help, you’re feeling alone. That’s your doubt of self. You need to learn new skills. Don’t rely on the kundalini it takes you up and out. Do something down here. You’re sort of on that line of fear often and you’re so sick of ‘falling’ or going backwards whatever language you use. But you need to embody. You’re flying all night and don’t want to come in fully. One foot in one foot out. There’s a way for you to change this you just won’t go there yet. It’s a place you delay seeing if you keep looking outside of you. All your tools are within you already and you’re just unfolding. Slowly. As one should. Pay attention to the nervousness. Sit with it. Where’s the fear coming from? From what? Where? Why? You already know. You just need to ask it, the body. Come. Into. The. Body! You’ve got outside in now go inside out.

There was much more but to summarize it was as I had suspected but not fully acknowledge. Perhaps as part of a temporary amnesia that I agreed to in order to fully integrate into the body and perhaps as a part of the remergence/reformation of ego, one that is more inline and in tune with my purpose and heart.

Earlier in this journey, I had similar panic episodes to what I am having now. They passed and were easier to handle but only because I observed them rather than becoming the effect of them. Similar to now, they would start with a sudden realization of my body, where I was, how I felt, etc. It was as if I shot directly into the body, grounded it in, suddenly and fully, which made all the senses almost painfully acute. Now, though, this perception remains for much longer and all the feelings are difficult to ignore. Thus, the panic episodes and feeling a need to run or get out.

It was advised by my friend to focus on the body, communicate with it and let it tell/show me what it needs. This was also what my guidance suggested and what caused me to have teary episodes on my commutes to and from work. I hate crying, though, so I stopped the feeling into my body on my commute and other trips. It just looks like I have more to purge and allow. I made the decision to keep looking, to keep listening, and try and resolve the residual grief and other emotions surfacing. I asked for help doing this prior to bed.

Last night I took a very long Epsom salt bath. Afterward I experienced a sadness that led to tears over the death of my dog, Trooper. Ugh! I cannot believe I am still grieving when he has been dead since 2012! Later I had more tears over my physical counterpart. The depth of the pit of grief I carry seems to have no bottom.

This morning my stomach is not happy. When I woke my back ached near my kidneys. Once awake it shifted to my intestines and I am back to similar symptoms as I experienced previously where my stomach hurts and I just don’t feel well. I will be staying home to work today if I don’t start feeling better soon.

Dreams

I slept very deeply with plenty of dreams. Once I was awakened in tears from a dream about Trooper. In the dream I was talking to an older lady with short hair who was taking care of him for me. I went to visit and saw him behind a fence made of panels of glass. He was very old looking and walking strangely, like he had been injured or was just crippled from old age. He leaped up toward me when he saw me. I was happy to see him but my grief got in the way. The woman and I sang together songs I can’t remember now and it seemed to help. She encouraged me to sing, so I did. She assured me she would take good care of him for me. I left him with her but broke down in tears as I departed. This woke me and I continued to cry.

There was another dream where I was with a group of people. We all seemed young, like 20’s. Myself and some others sat down at consoles and put on headsets to do our work. It was like we were physically plugged into the system somehow. I had just put on my headset when one of the men pointed out that something was wrong. I looked at him and some of the others and noticed their teeth were becoming shaded with gray and black. They all immediately took off their headsets as did I and the shading slowly faded. I remember being told it had to do with high radiation levels and to try again later. My own teeth were shaded and I felt a bit ill (likely physical seeping into my dream).

Then I was traveling on a motorbike along a country road with tall trees on either side. I took a sharp left and my bike suddenly seemed like a large, white work truck. As I turned around I felt a bit off, like I was confused or anxious. A young woman on a bike stopped me and asked me if I could give her a lift home. Her bike looked odd, like a four-wheeled type that was close to the ground. She told me her name and all about her family. I felt something was not right about her but agreed to give her a lift.

When we arrived at where she lived, it was the same place I did. Distrusting her, I took her to the entrance and used my key to open the door. I would not use the code in case she was trying to steal it. Inside, she asked me to help her locate her apartment but gave me a different name. This confirmed she was lying to me so I would not help her and made sure not to take her near my apartment.

Interpretation

When I woke I was really tired and shifted to lay on my back. My heart felt to be beating a thousand miles a minute but when I took my pulse my heartbeat was normal. It was odd. I had a headache and my lower back ached.

The dream about Trooper was likely to help me with the lingering feelings of guilt over his death. I saw him as old and decrepit even though I know that he is whole and happy on the Other Side because I have seen him before. The singing in the dream was likely to help me raise my vibration. The woman seemed to be his caretaker.

The teeth dream was strange. Teeth have to do with one’s feelings of control, or lack of it. When the teeth rot it is an invitation to handle unfinished business. To dig into those things that have been avoided and resolve them.

The last dream seems to be about my own distrust of myself, or an aspect of myself. The woman was young, married, with no kids. I recall telling her that she was lucky. She asked me if I was happy and I shrugged my shoulders. Thoughts of how exhausted parenting was and how I had so little time to myself came to mind. I advised the woman to enjoy her life – her “perfect” life. I told her, “Looks like you have it all.” When she questioned me, I said, “A house, a job and a husband you love.” I distrusted her story, though, as if I did not believe anyone could be happy with those things. In considering the whole dream, it feels like life has left me disillusioned. The “American dream” turned out to be a crock of shit and I no longer believe happiness comes from attaining it.

by

Message: Goodbyes are the Hardest

Struggling a bit over here this morning. It’s not too bad, I’ve been far worse, but there is some struggle nonetheless.

I have a tendency to wall myself off from emotion; to harden to it and become angry. I take on an “I’ll show you!” mentality and perceive the person hurting me as doing it “purposefully” with “intent to harm”. Astrologically, it’s a typical negative Leonine trait, but it is also a Scorpio trait (ha!) and I am very familiar with it being the daughter of a double Scorpio. My Dad did not handle emotion well and was known to inflict some major revenge upon those who hurt him. I saw it firsthand and maybe I learned a bit too much from him in the process. OR maybe we Fire and Water signs, specifically Leo and Scorpio, have more in common than I realized?

Last night I knew nothing much was going to happen despite all the build-up from my guidance about the 26th/27th of October being significant in some way. To this I reacted with an, “Whatever. I don’t care anyway.” This was the first sign that something was up. I know the dream I had at the Akashic library was showing me that I had access to all I wanted/needed to know. I also know that I was too upset and homesick to take advantage of that. This, of course, made me angry at myself which I quickly adjusted and aimed at my guidance since they are easy targets.

On top of all this brewing of emotion, the entire right side of my neck is stiff and pain shoots down my shoulder and up into my head when I move. It seems to be getting worse rather than better and this morning I have a lovely headache from it. Additionally, I get to enjoy that time of the month four days early courtesy of the full moon and peri-menopause (I guess). So, yeah, I’m a bit grumpy this morning to say the least.

Dream: Mole Ant

Lots of dreams but most lost or insignificant. This one is odd, though, so I thought I would share.

I was inside a large house or mansion inside a bedroom (private self) with very nice furnishings and bedding. A tiny, black spider (manifestation) ran across the bed and I followed it, excited to see another one. I continue to see spiders in my waking life and this carried over into my dreams.

Then, I saw an odd looking insect scamper across the bed and decided to take a close look, bringing my phone with me. It looked odd. It had a scaly, gold armored back and had tiny legs underneath similar to a centipede but much brighter gold and the scales were like that of a snake. When I got close enough to it, I saw it had a strange looking face with white mandibles and red eyes. It looked like an angry clown face.

I took several shots of it with my camera, zooming in and seeing it up close. It was the oddest looking creature. I called it a “mole ant” but not sure who I was talking to when I said it. Mole = destruction, delving deep into subconscious. Ant = work, dissatisfaction with life.

At one point it got caught up in a spider’s web and I saw it had legs or something similar spread out over it’s head as if in a display. It freed itself and ran away. I followed.

I found the creature sitting on the stairs, its abdomen seemingly attached on one end and the other end poking up with a display over it. It looked orange at this point and resembled some kind of sea creature from behind. I saw my coworker and told her to be careful. She walked right past, her long, black dress skirting the edge of the insect. I remember wondering why she was so dressed up and concluding I must be at some kind of gala.

I zoomed in on the creature, fascinated, but the image through my lens was wavering and distorting as if I was looking through water. As I snapped photos, between each one the image would shift. The creature turned toward me in one. In another a large black dog (protection) was next to it, it’s head taking up most of the screen. In another there was also a white cat (feminine) between the dog and the mole ant thingy. It was the oddest thing but the most memorable was the clown face of the insect – ant, mole, spider or whatever it was. I remember thinking, “This is a dream. These photos are meant to help me remember”, but I didn’t become lucid, I just kept snapping photos, intent on my recall.

Dream: Goodbye’s are the Hardest

I woke form this dream very disappointed and thinking that I had been right, nothing significant was on the horizon. I was angry and resentful and resistant.

Somehow I returned to sleep. I was sitting in the back seat of a car with two other people. I was in the seat behind the driver’s seat. In my hand was a piece of paper and I was writing a story on it. I can’t recall the story now but I was erasing misspelled words and editing it.

I was talking to the person in the other seat (I think it was my husband but am unsure) and a familiar voice on my left interrupted me. I realized I was on the phone with my MIL. I said to her,”Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know I called you. It must have been on accident. How long have you been on the line?” She said, “It’s okay. I don’t mind. Just a few hours.” lol I looked down at the paper I was writing on and continued to write. It was a story and I was reading aloud.

A man was to my right, seeming to appear out of nowhere. His energy was familiar. He seemed to be attending to me and very interested in me and my situation/case/story. I turned to him chatting away about my story. I remember his face was very pleasant and clean shaved. He was young, maybe late twenties, early thirties. His skin was light and his eyes intent with a glimmer in them, as if he was watching his own child discovering something new. There was also a magnetism there, but it was slight. The connection was familiar but I didn’t dwell on it. However, I did wonder about his intentions.

He was asking me about my story and I was telling him about it as I edited it. When I finished, I signed my name on the bottom. In my mind I was “saving” a file but there was no computer and when it was “saved” I looked it over, showing it to the man. I turned it over and saw that the entire back was covered in what at first appeared to be the English alphabet written in a child’s handwriting. I said to the man, “My daughter must have been practicing.” The letters, however, all looked like misshaped “S’s”, some sideways, others with lines through them, and still others even more changed. In inspecting my memories now, I think it may have been Light Language, not an alphabet at all.

There was a short discussion here about my daughter drawing inappropriate pictures showing sexual things. The man actually started it by saying, “I can help you with that.” Then I saw a flash of the inappropriate pictures, only they were of my own drawings. I said, “Nah. When I was little I use to draw pictures like that, too. Eventually, I got in trouble at school and had to go to the principal’s office. She will learn like I did.” He said, “But is a visit to the principal’s even necessary?” With this came a sense that the “principal’s” office could be too traumatic. I felt it was not an issue.

I looked down at my finished piece and saw the title was in Spanish. Surprised, I said, “Why is it written in Spanish! Did I do that!?” Then I realized it was not, that the words shifted back, and said, “Oh good. It’s not.” I laughed at myself and the man just listened, silently supportive. The crazy thing was, I could read/understand it in Spanish.

Then we were outside the car in a parking lot going into some store. My mom was with me on my left, the man on my right. We encountered an older woman and a younger woman. I recognized the older woman to be my grandmother’s sister. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her, giving her a huge hug and lifting her off the ground as I did so. My great-aunt was shocked and so was the young woman. I smiled and explained how happy I was to see them. They were silent, jaws open in disbelief. I knew they didn’t understand but I didn’t care. I turned to the young woman and said, “Hug her while you still have her to hug. You never know when you won’t get to hug her anymore. I miss hugs the most now that she’s (my grandmother) gone.”

The young woman got teary eyed as did my great-aunt. I could feel the emotion from them as they realized the very real fact that one day they would not have each other to hug anymore. I turned back toward my great-aunt and scooped her up in a big hug. The young woman turned to another lady who was approaching. I realized it was her mother. She was telling her mom what I had just said. They both got teary eyed, missing my grandmother with me.

I remember looking at their tears and feeling my own well up within. The man to my right said, “Goodbyes are the hardest.” I could feel the sympathy and love from him. I could also feel my own grief building. Then it overflowed, my heart aching as I tried to come to terms with my grief. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t miss my grandmother like that.

Why forgiving is good for mind, body and spirit | Psychologies

Still Grieving

As I woke the tears were still flowing. My guide was with me as I tried to sort out the sorrow I was feeling. He said, “You still miss him.” I didn’t argue, just acknowledged. I realized that I had been angry and resentful because I still hurt so much, still grieved. It felt like he died, like a part of me died, but he was very much still around and contactable. It felt wrong and I concluded that the part that died was not the part that still remained. Yet they were. It felt right but how, I’m not sure. Perhaps the part that died was a creation of mine built from memories and experiences not of this life?

The emotion lingered as my guide remained with me, encouraging me to allow the emotion. I felt angry and resistant all over again. I saw my future as nothing but repetition in an endless loop. I saw no possibility of happiness or real love/connection. I had the mindset of, “If I can’t have what I want, then I don’t want any of it.”

I felt my guide’s energy and for a moment it was as if I was back in that car, him sitting on my right. I could feel his energy inviting me to surrender. He said to me, “Forgive…” I saw a flash of his face and saw the love in his eyes. At first I thought he said, “Forgive me.” But then I realized he meant forgive in general. But my response to this was not knowing how. It seemed that to do so would erase it all and I would have nothing left to hold onto.

In considering it all now, I am unsure of my ability to do what I am being asked. I understand that progress cannot be made until I do. It feels like I’ve already done this, though, so I don’t understand why it is back.

The message, Goodbye’s are the hardest, remains with me even now as does what I said in my dream about hugs. There’s something about not being able to hug the one you love, to just be close and linger there. We should all take the time to hug the people we love a little more because you never know when you won’t be able to anymore.

As for the brief discussion about sexual pictures being drawn, I really did use to draw pictures like that when I was really little. My mom even took me to a child psychologist because of it. I was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed with no indication that I had ever been molested (which I haven’t to my knowledge). When I was 10 I was sent to the principal’s because of one of my drawings. lol Of course, I never drew anything like that again and I was mad at the girl who told on me, not at all ashamed or feeling I did anything wrong.

My best guess about that part of the dream is that my guide is addressing the very real sexual feelings I have been having since the Kundalini rose in intensity. He wants to help me channel the energy. I don’t see anything wrong with enjoying the sexual aspect, thus my response in my dream. He suggests that a visit to the “principal” would not be a good thing. LOL Yeah, probably not. I should probably work on that.

 

by

Here’s to Better Days

Lots of crying in my dreams again. Happy birthday to me. Sigh.

SO much more to relay but I don’t have time to go in depth about all that is going on. I posted on FB yesterday:

Once again it feels like I am standing in the middle of the eye of the hurricane while everyone else around me is pummeled with life crap. Sometimes it is harder to be the one watching the shit hit the fan than it is to be the one receiving the shit storm.

Image may contain: 1 person, meme and text

Yet that same morning I woke in a good mood and a song I use to sing at weddings with my mom and grandmother came to mind. This is the song:

The entire first verse popped into my head and I sang it to my husband acting all sappy adding hand motions and all like I was on stage (very unusual for me in the early morning). Afterward the song stayed with me so I posted it on FB with the photo below asking my mom if she remembered singing it. She did and later we chatted about it some. She told me the Psalm it came from was the one she recited every morning when she set her yoga intention and that she felt I was reminded of the song in order to giver her a message. She said, “You’re post was exactly what I needed. Thank you so much!”

“This is the day that the Lord hath made and I will rejoice with you.”

IMG_3188

Dream #1

This dream centered at first around fish and turtles. They were in two separate tanks, one large and one only about 5 gallons. I recall seeing baby turtles swimming around in one. I decided to feed them. When I did all these other fish came out. Most of them were small but there were some large ones. When I watched the tank seemed large but then I realized it was on a 5 gallon. I said, “It’s way too small for this many fish!”

Then I went to a school or hospital setting. Inside I was walking around going up and down hallways repeatedly. There was a cat/bunny (it morphed from one to the other) that was mine. I was told that my cat was male and not female and shown it’s strange penis. I only recall a diagram of it now. It looked like a triangle with a longer side that extended like an arm.

There was a lot in between but most is lost to me now.

Then I was going in and out of the small lab storage room. It had a wall of windows on one side and had lots of scientific materials and such inside. I was in and out of it and then finally sat down by one of the windows on a long couch. There were two men with me, one I was very close to. I thought of them as “teachers”. The one I felt close to came and sat next to me while talking. He snuggled up to me and I reached around and pulled him close. It felt wonderful. I knew we loved each other very much but I also remembered that we rarely felt able to express our love because I was married. He and I were coworkers, so both teachers. As I sat next to him I recognized how difficult it was to be in love with him but not be able to be with him. He got up casually and the other man sat down near me, taking his seat. I wanted to sit next to the man I felt connected to – in love with – but couldn’t because of the man who took his seat. My heart began to sink and I felt an intense heaviness within. My last thought was about how we couldn’t be together. I began to cry in heaving sobs.

The dream woke me up and I rubbed my eyes clear of the tears. The man in the dream was very handsome to me even though to others he would have appeared as a normal looking, dark haired man. I KNEW him in the dream and even when I woke I felt our connection. His smile and demeanor was so very familiar, like we were never apart a day yet the reality (which was difficult to bear) was that we were physically apart.

Dream #2

In this dream I was back with the dark haired man and another man was also with me. The other man was my husband in real life. We were traveling to a work site in a work truck. All three of us sat in the bucket seat, me in the middle. The road we were traveling was up in the Smokey mountains and became narrower as we drove. At one point my husband said he thought the directions must be wrong because the destination was not where it should have been. I looked out the window and saw the road was winding and on one side was a pile of red bricks (experience and/or heartbreak has hardened me) looked to have been dumped there.

As we drove the road kept narrowing and both men were discussing how it was really treacherous. I looked out the window and the trees were right there, so close I could touch them. I saw their white trunks in rows. They resembled bars as if I were in a jail cell.

We came to a sudden stop. There was a metal foot bridge so the truck could not pass over. My husband wanted to keep driving to see if the truck would make it. I screamed in fear and my husband snapped at me really loudly for being a “back seat driver” saying, “STOP DOING THAT!” I was embarrassed for having let a scream escape but I was scared he was going to attempt to drive over the bridge. He didn’t, though. He stopped.

After he yelled at me I jumped out of the truck, tears welling up in my eyes from hurt feelings and all kinds of other unrelated emotion. I ran down the road in the opposite direction, back up the mountain road. The dark haired man got out of the truck and ran after me. I was thinking as I ran about how he (the dark haired man) would never do that. I sent a mental thought to the dark haired man saying, “You would never treat me like that. You care about how I feel.” I could feel his concern for me as he ran behind me. All I wanted was to be with him and I was thinking, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this!”

I woke again in tears and rubbed them from my eyes but they kept seeping out despite my efforts. My heart was aching when I woke. I heard, “I am always with you.” It didn’t help the ache.

Dream #3

This was a short dream. I was with a group and we were all being lined up. It reminded me of PE class in middle school when we would like up for dodge ball. I was told to stand at the end of the line and face the opposite direction than the rest of the people in line. My husband was next to me. When I turned the coach (which sounded like my husband) told me to turn around and said something crude related to balls. I can’t remember what he said but when I followed instructions and turned around I became furious with him, so angry I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Red-hot anger. I turned back to face him, this time to my left where my husband was standing, and said, “I WILL NOT be treated like this!” I could feel his humor in the dream and the anger I felt melted into grief and I began to cry, again sobbing so hard it woke me up. The feeling I had upon waking was how unfair everything was, how unjust to be belittled because I am a woman.

Dream #4

In this dream I was inside a large bathroom. The toilet kept squirting water out of the top, soaking the walls behind it. My husband was inside repairing a section of the wall and I told him about the water squirting out of the toilet. He inspected the wall on the opposite side of the room, the tile and the patch in the wall he had just completed. I told him to look behind the toilet. Instead he kept focusing on the patch in the wall. When I saw it I could see between the wood and noticed it was not a good patch job and would need to be torn out. I suggested we put a huge window, a stained glass window (spiritual healing and enlightenment/guidance), in its place. I got on the phone to order one and someone began to ask me questions that made no sense. I realized I had blanked out in the middle of the conversation and had no memory of what was said. The man on the phone seemed to indicate that I was not suppose to know the information I was asking for. I apologized and hung up. My husband was staring at me after and questioned me. I swore I had no idea why I had been on the phone, saying I was trying to order a stained glass window.

Then there was a hole in the wall where the patch had been. I could see outside to a pool full of kids. It started raining so they all started coming in through the hole. The kids were little, one a toddler girl. They carried towels with them and I helped them dry off.

Eventually there were kids everywhere and I felt overwhelmed and wanted to get out of the now cramped space. It was frantic feeling. Since I could get out I turned on a computer to do something on it and the kids began to ask to get on it. I remember relaying to them how they always wanted what I had, asking them, “Can you let me have something for once without trying to take it from me!?” They didn’t listen, though, and kept demanding what I had. They were all around the computers playing games and I watched continuing to feel overwhelmed.

When I woke from this dream I wasn’t crying but I felt suffocated by the dream experience. I realized it was very much how I feel in my day-to-day life as a mom and wife. Always giving up things for others. Give, give, give. I have to sneak down to the kitchen to grab a snack and hope my kids don’t hear me. If they do, they want whatever I am eating, nothing else will do. If I want to go for a walk alone I have to sneak out, otherwise I will have company whether I like it or not. It is a constant struggle to find time alone, to have something just for myself. Even my husband takes his share of my time, my effort, my body. What is left for me? Not much.

Music

A song was and still is going through my head. The lyrics I hear are – “Here’s to better days”.

This song is also coming to mind, though it has no lyrics. It is just a nice one to meditate to. Enjoy!