Tag Archives: healing

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We Are Not Meant to Do This Alone

There’s some pretty intense energy right now working to “flush out” the old. For me, it seems to be focusing on the middle chakras – sacral plexus, solar plexus and heart. I have a lot of stuck energy there, always have.

I’ve been mostly feeling unsettled and restless. When I stop moving/thinking/doing, which is my way of handling the feeling, I am left with the silence which tends to open me up to the stagnant emotion that needs to be felt and released. I struggle with just feeling through the emotion sometimes, though. It is hard not to become the effect of them.

As usual, last night I kept busy by watching a movie. This one was recommended to me by my husband. I never know what to expect of his recommendations. Sometimes they are duds, sometimes not. This one turned out to be a winner. It is called Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. I highly recommend it, and I don’t often recommend movies these days.

As is typical of my guidance, the movie brought to the surface some of that emotion for release. It had nothing to do with the movie, though there were plenty of moments to feel emotional during the movie. At first I could sense a guide in the distance to my left. He seemed a bit hidden, probably by my focus on the movie. The emotion was easily spotted and hit me in intervals – waves rather. By the end of the movie I had cried enough to be completely stopped up.

Most of what I felt has been with me all my life. It is a feeling of never-ending nothingness, pointlessness, and boredom with life. I see my life as an endless conglomeration of routine and safety. I crave change but then I also fear it. In the middle of the craving and fear is where I am stuck, immobile in indecision. Well, there is a decision, a decision to cling to the safe even though I want desperately to find an excuse to go on an adventure.

Then there is the unrequited love feeling that forever haunts me now. It is unending and torturous. I had never really understood what unrequited love was or felt like before but I do now.  The ache never ends. This feeling surfaced last night and was still with me when I awoke. It is something that I live with on a daily basis and apparently something I experienced in more than one previous life. In fact, I think when I entered this life it was with me, I just didn’t know its source. Knowing the source doesn’t help relieve it at.all. If anything, it makes it that much worse.

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This morning I was begging to be relieved of the pain once again. I see no point in trying to chase after love because I see it leading into an endless maze of which I have never reached the end in other lives. Without a known end (meaning I have only a dream of what it might be) there is hopelessness. The feeling that remains is similar to the first one I mentioned, the one of feeling stuck between craving and fear. In fact, it is the same feeling. The two are one in the same.

Add to all this the not knowing which is the right best choice for me (follow the craving or the safety?) and you get confusion and chaos, especially in my mind but also in my energy body. Up to this point, most often I follow the safest route. I hear my guidance asking me, “How’s that working for you?” Not good, I guess, though I do have more than enough in regards to security, money, material things. More than enough.

This morning the answer was provided but I don’t know how to go about what is being asked of me. It was, of course, “let go”, specifically of the past and the experiences that haunt me. If I could, I would erase all memory; wipe the slate clean. The obvious way to do that is to start a new life because, well, the memory is wiped clean to start anew. So, my immediate request is to be allowed to do that. Of course, that is not granted because I am suppose to be cleaning up this lifetime so that I can help humanity/man-kind with the ascension.

It was pointed out to me quite bluntly that I am clinging to the past and as such not moving forward, not allowing new opportunities to manifest and turning away from new paths because they don’t seem to lead me to where I want to go. This is screwing things up, taking me around and around in circles.

Yes, I have been here before, many times (circle).

This patterns is, of course, linked to my wanting to know where the path leads; to be in control, or at least feel in control. Ego wants what Ego wants. Period. This is what happens when one Forgets, which is, sadly, a human tendency. Not long ago I was Remembering and following my gut/heart/intuition while not resisting paths as they opened up to me. But I have fallen back into old patterns, forgotten all I have learned. So here I am learning it all over again.

Part of the reason for this regression is that I have unfinished business to attend to. Stuff I didn’t confront fully before because of inability to cope with the overwhelm of emotions that surfaced. My heart got so wide open that I was taking on humanities pain as my own and that was just too much. I actually fear that happening again, mostly because I feel an intense urge to do something about it but feel so insignificantly small and powerless. Somehow I have to be able to live with a wide-open heart, to take in all that comes with it and experience it completely without backing down, without fearing failure, and without any expectation. That is the only way to HOLD and ANCHOR the LIGHT.

OMG what did I sign up for? LOL

I realize now that for me to accomplish the above the masculine has to be synced up with me, supporting me and providing the strength needed to channel all that comes with a fully open heart. I see it in my mind as energy in the pattern of an infinity symbol. One side of the infinity loop goes through me, the other through him/the masculine. This could be the masculine with me, or an actual masculine counterpart I suppose. Or maybe both. But most definitely I have to have my own masculine side healed and be completely open and receptive to it. Yet I sense that it is both my own masculine and the collective masculine here. It feels like one cannot be truly complete/whole without the other.

I am reminded of something my guidance has told me time and time again, “You are not alone.” Also, “You are not meant to so this alone.” This I have said to others as well.

infinity

In writing this I am reminded of how I feel when I have synced up with the masculine, meaning come into Union, even if only for the very briefest of moments. The feeling of support is tangible. There is no fear. There is no past or future. There is only NOW and with it full acceptance/surrender to all possibility. I feel 100% capable of taking on anything and everything. Supported. Powerful. Able. Loved. My guidance says, “Imagine feeling that way all the time……It IS possible.”

I have been practicing breathing in the Bliss and Divine connection when I am stressed or feeling overtaxed in some way. It helps and sometimes I am even able to remove myself totally from the situation so that I can observe and not be the effect of it. It takes practice, but it works, and I am being urged to continue. So I will.

In between all this healing and transmuting and such there are the very real contracts I am still in the midst of working through. Life goes on. I still have obligations to others, lessons to complete that somehow tie into a bigger purpose, though I can’t quite see that whole picture yet. I feel it to be true, though.

From my viewpoint it all looks like a big, crappy mess of chaos. One that I will never untangle myself from. This is where Trust and Allowing come in. It probably means I will go down some paths that don’t look like they lead anywhere. And maybe they won’t. That isn’t the point, I’m told. The point is to practice Trust and Allowance to the point that I do so habitually. Eventually, the tangled mess around me will sort itself out.

My problem is always looking for the finish line. When we do that, we miss what is right in front of us for looking too far beyond it.

I’ll leave you with something I feel my guidance led me to this morning.

 

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Sudden Purge

Unexpected emotion this morning. When I woke I thought, “I’m not going to work today.” Instantly, I remember saying to a co-worker yesterday, “For some reason it feels like Friday.” At the time I was thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be at work the next day but I pushed the thought out of my mind. Crazy that I had perceived my own future like that!

So I am working from home today, avoiding people and sitting with this morning’s experience. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not. Whatever the case, I am in the midst of another purge. Not sure how long it will last this time around.

Dream: TX to AK Transplant

This dream is mixed up a bit. There were images and memories from my two different lives merging into one.

I was talking to someone about writing a new blog. The main focus of the conversation was what to call it. The new blog was about my time in Alaska. I went through several names but finally came up with Texas to Alaska Transplant. This part of the dream was much longer but memory of it is mostly me mulling over what to write with images of paragraphs of words, some highlighted in blue. I focused on the words and read some, but can’t recall them now, of course.

The dream shifted at some point, probably while I was reading what I wrote. I had moved to Alaska with my husband (ex). It was mid-summer and I remember turning to him to tell him I couldn’t face another winter there. I was very serious and sad. The pain from that time in my life was evident. There is vague memory of being inside a car or train and seeing the landscape through the window, a blur of color as it passed by.

Then I was inside a dark room. All I recall are faces here. Some were faces from my present life – my sister-in-law was one of them, my mother another. I heard my husband mention that he was living with his cousin (likely my sister’s situation bleeding through here). I saw a visual of him standing next to my SIL, his half-sister (so not his cousin). With them was another woman, another family member, I couldn’t place. I knew we were all getting up there in years and that the reason for living with family was to help one another in our old age. This is likely a bleed-through from my current life. My mother-in-law’s siblings all live together in their childhood home, all except her that is.

Still, firm on my decision to leave, I turned toward the south. In front of and under me was a giant map of U.S. I was positioned over Alaska and my focus was on the southeastern U.S. I knew I was 60 years old. I felt my real family calling me and that is where I intended to go. In my mind I was sad that it had taken so long for the call to come through. At the same time I was thinking, “At least I get this time with him. It’s better than nothing.” The time felt very short but I didn’t care.

Then I was standing in front of a counter discussing Alaska with a woman. I saw in my mind the weather forecast. There was a map of AK and the entire state had rain (sadness, crying). In the northwest were blobs of white where it was freezing (frozen emotion). I remember thinking it was not good to have so much rain when the temperatures were dropping. It would make the roads very icy. I decided not to go wherever it was I had planned to go.

The woman and I were talking about something very serious. I was upset, the emotion just under the surface. She offered me a large, oblong, violet purple (compassion, kindness) pill (healing). She said, “I have to warn you about the side-effects. It will make your butt (struggle with some situation) and knees (feeling inadequate, weak, emotional and in need of support) hurt.” I said apathetically, “My butt already hurts all the time.” I put the pill in my mouth. The woman said, “It’s a gray area. Some people don’t experience any side-effects.” I responded with, “Knowing me, I will have them all.”

Memories all tumbled one upon the other then along with a sense of time stretching out endlessly with no reprieve in sight. As I viewed the life I had lived I was very disappointed. The feelings were the most difficult to swallow. I felt so dead inside, so numb despite the upheaval I had gone through. It felt like my life was never my own. I knew I could do so much better. I heard a man say to me, “It was a good life.”

Sudden Emotion

When I woke I was crying. The emotions I was feeling were there but they seemed hollow, like they weren’t even mine. I allowed them, crying in heaving sobs. Some of the thoughts I was having was about how unfair life was. Specifically, I was thinking about how, when I finally found my Home, I could not have it. Home felt to be a person, but that person didn’t want me. It seemed like my dream was suggesting a time would come when I could go Home, but it wasn’t until my 60th year. Being that is so, so far in the future, I agonized over the wait, sure I would not be able to last that long. I agonized at the loss of my youth as well.

I remember hearing a male voice say, “You remember…..” in response to the agony I was feeling. So much was going on inside that it is hard to know what exactly I was crying about. Some of it seemed to be recalling my time in Alaska, the extreme loneliness and wishing for death I had at that time. Some of it seemed to be my current life circumstances. And then some seemed to be a return to the decimated feeling of loss I experienced the end of in 2016.

A song was going through my head on repeat. The words, “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead….”

I wonder now if the song is a reflection of the hurt my ex-husband felt after I left? Maybe I was experiencing his pain, not mine, in that regard? He did not want a divorce. He told me when I left that he would never love anyone else like he loved me. For years after we divorced he would call me out of the blue, often in the middle of the the night, sometimes drunk, sometimes in tears (or both). He did this despite being newly remarried.

One time, my current husband and I met up with him in Dallas. He got to meet my two oldest children. My middle son was a toddler at the time. I remember saying to him, “I never thought I would see you again.” I felt completely fine seeing him, no upset or regret. He looked the same, just sadder. He told me later he needed that closure and he was happy I was happy, that I got the family I wanted. I haven’t heard from him in four years.

With the above consideration I felt guilt. Guilt for choosing to walk that path with my ex while knowing all along it would not result in anything substantial. I lied to myself and suffered for it. I lied to him and he suffered for it. All for the sake of security. Fear does that.

That was my first life. It doesn’t even feel like mine now.

As for this current life, it feels similar in some ways. I am not as bad off as I was when in Alaska, thankfully. But I still feel the loneliness. It is a deep ache that originates at my core made worse for knowing that the antidote exists and is within my reach. Only I can’t have it yet because it is linked to another and they have to want it as much as I do for it to work.

So yeah, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead. I hear, “Sometimes it hurts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.” Double the hurt for me. What goes around comes around.

As I write this the emotion continues. So glad I chose to stay home from work. It’s gonna be a long day.

 

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Full Moon Kundalini Healing

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been asking for help from my guidance with a blockage in my second chakra. Well, last night, the first night of the Pisces full moon, the source of the blockage revealed itself.

Kundalini Healing

Early on in the evening, around 1am, I was awakened from a dream in which I was communicating with my 10-year-old self. What I recall of the conversation has faded now, but I believe I was helping her feel comfortable with her feelings.

When I awoke a male presence was attending to me; assisting me with healing. His energy was huge and when I acknowledged him the energy felt to flood through my own, blending and braiding into it. The rising energy that resulted revealed the blockage in my second chakra and another at my third. The Kundalini energy swirled and moved around for over an hour, covering me in a blanket of bliss and love while also working to gently pry open blocks in my energy.

Dream: Haunted House

My husband and I were invited to his friend’s house. He spent a while trying to get me to remember who they were, where their house was and how we knew them. I couldn’t remember, though.

We traveled along the road at night toward their house. I wasn’t in a car, but hovering mid-air, looking down a massive hill (experiencing a regression). In my mind I thought it would be fun to ride on a skateboard (seeking to make light of a situation) down the hill but knew it would be too fast. Why this part is in the dream, I am unsure.

When we arrived at the house it was enormous and very dark, with dark wood paneling and furniture. I went to help some children prepare dinner, a pork loin (seeking normalcy), and as I did so noticed there were quite a few cats roaming around. I also noticed some strange movements from the cats. They seemed to see something I couldn’t. I realized the house was likely haunted.

As the night progressed I learned we were to spend the night. Everyone left me in the living area alone with the cats. I lay down on the sofa to try to get some sleep. When I did this the Kundalini energy enveloped my entire body in bliss. As the energy began to rise, I began to lose myself to it. Unfortunately, an orange cat jumped directly on my lap, stopping the rise of energy. It looked startled and I wondered if the Kundalini had anything to do with it. Right then, I heard a noise and got up, walking toward the back of the house to see if I could find anyone. The front door was wide open making banging noises as I walked past it.

orange cat

In the back of the house I located many bedrooms but could not find my husband’s room. Some of the family we were staying with were sitting around and asked me if I needed anything. I told them noises woke me, that I thought their house was haunted. They said they knew about the ghosts and not to worry. I mentioned that I could speak to Spirit and asked if they wanted my help. They agreed and I attempted to make contact. I told the woman I sensed that I could help her but if she didn’t cooperate we would force her to leave.

Whatever I did upset the cats and they began to act strange. I knew this was not a good sign and opted to try and get some sleep. I found a bedroom and lay down but was interrupted by my husband. I snapped at him, telling him I was tired (not wanting to confront something), and he left. When I attempted sleep the Kundalini energy came back in a rush up my spine, hitting my second chakra in waves like contractions. Each contraction hit my physical body solidly. There was some pain felt and by the last contraction I had a vision. A black woman appeared, standing with her hands on her hips and said, “I want him out!!!”

This vision shook me to my core because I recognized the woman.

I sat up, still dreaming, and slowly got out of bed. The scene shifted as I stood. At my feet were my clothes and I was completely naked. My lower body ached. I stiffly reached down for my shorts, which were white. My underwear was missing and a partially soaked tampon was on the floor next to my shorts. My memory here is of being mistreated and left humiliated, but I am not sure on the details.

When I left the room my husband was there complaining about my lateness. He had hired someone to replace me and was telling me how tired he was of my behavior. I turned to him, my voice cracking with emotion, “You don’t know what I’ve been through!!”

Wounds Revealed

I slowly woke from the dream a bit shocked at what it had revealed to me. My first thought was that the black woman was from a life I only partially recalled. I was not yet a woman, so about 11-12 years old. I was attacked and gang raped by a group of white boys. To keep me from screaming, one of the men put his foot on my throat. I ended up with a crushed windpipe but somehow survived, pretending to be dead until they left. I crawled home where my mother tended to my wounds. I am not sure if I ever regained my voice.

But then another life came to mind, a life in which I was also a black woman. In that life, which ended in 1963, I endured years of emotional and physical abuse by my husband. In fact, that past life memory came to me spontaneously after waking from meditation. I looked in the mirror and saw my old self – a petite, black woman with a very swollen black eye. Ultimately, in that life I shot my husband in the shoulder with a shotgun because I discovered he had been molesting our daughter. I told him to, “Get out!” after I shot him.

My best guess is that the issue in my second chakra stems from the life where I was gang raped but I am not 100% certain that the two lives mentioned above are not the same life.

The revealing of the source of the blockage is just the first step. I’m not sure how the rest will unfold but I may end up reliving that life, aspects as of yet unseen, in order to resolve and heal the wound. I suspect a decision was made, one that was strong enough that it prevents me from ever opening up to a man fully.

 

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1986

Oh where to start?! This has been another humdinger of a week, hasn’t it? And tomorrow is the full moon. I think: Already? lol It just seems like we go from one intense “event” to another lately.

1986

In all my life, I don’t think I have had such an intense August, not, at least, since my 10th year (1986). The intensity in 1986 was different, more physical than spiritual, though I have been told by astrologers that it was spiritually significant, too, a kind of spiritual awakening all of it’s own. My memory of that year is only of change, lots of change and much of it unwanted.

Firstly, we moved three hours from the only home I had ever known to relocate on family land in Central Texas. So it was my first ever move in this lifetime. I spent a good decade coming to terms with that move, too. My mom opted to move me and my sisters on the advice of a therapist, my therapist. The therapist had diagnosed me as emotionally disturbed, the main cause being my father and his emotionally abusive ways. She said I needed to be as far away from my dad as possible. Far enough that he would be unwilling to make the trip and to see me and my sisters on the weekends.

That summer I spent a couple of weeks with my dad in Houston. My sisters and I stayed with him at his apartment the whole time. My memories of this time are mixed, emotionally and physically. I remember helping my dad work on one of his cars. I rebuilt a carburetor all by myself after watching him take it apart. I liked working on cars with my dad and that memory especially is very strong. Though I have many bad memories of my dad, this is one of the good ones.

The next strongest memory I have is of a little girl I befriended while I was there. She was the same age as me and we hung out together in her apartment. Her parents were gone all day at work so it was just me and her. I have never told anyone this but she was my first ever sexual “partner”. Now don’t overreact, I was 10, so there was not much sexually going on with me, but I was curious and so was she. There was no removal of clothing, no kissing, just exploration – touching and fondling and, well, that is enough description, you get the idea. I remember she showed me her mother’s secret stash of Playgirl magazines. There were piles of them! I think those images will be ingrained in my memory for life. lol This little girl was the one who suggested we explore our bodies together, in a very innocent sorta way. I recall that I was hesitant. In fact, the emotion that is strongest is a feeling that I was being “bad” and that if anyone found out I would surely be spanked. lol The other thing I remember is that I liked how it made me feel. Again, the horror, right? My poor 10-year-old mind was in overdrive.

I would not be surprised if that little girl realized at a some point that she preferred women to men.

Ultimately, I was freaked out and avoided going back into the girl’s apartment just in case she tried to pressure me into more experimentation. It scared me, but mostly, my own reaction scared me because I liked her, I like how she made me feel, and I wanted more.

I had my very own camera at the time and snapped dozens and dozens of photographs, many of my newfound friend. Every time I look at them in old albums I pause when I see this little girl. I can’t remember her name but a part of me wonders where she is now, how she is doing and what her memories are from that time. As I think back on it even now, I think it likely she and I were meant to meet that summer. Maybe for her? Maybe for me? Maybe both?

The other memory I have is the most traumatic of them all. Toward the end of our visit, about a day or two before he was to drive us to our new home, my dad made it clear he had no intention of taking us home. My dad at the time could be very emotionally cruel. He had not wanted a divorce and often used us to get back at our mom. His announcement caused a very strong reaction in me. I was so terrified, in fact, that I demanded he let me call my mom. The memory is hazy but I believe whatever I said or threatened (likely the latter) convinced him to let me call my mom. When I got on the phone I was hysterical, telling my mom what he was threatening and crying that I wanted to come home. In my mind I was going through all kinds of scenarios trying to figure out how I could get home on my own. Honestly, I was prepared to go knock on a neighbor’s door and tell them what was going and call the police. I think I threatened my dad with this and that it was why he ultimately gave in and took us home. The whole drive home I was antsy. I couldn’t wait to get as far away from him as I could.

Back to the Present – 2018

When I started writing this post I had no intention of traveling back to 1986. None. Yet it came flowing out and now that it has, I know why.

This month, like I’ve already said, has been intense. This week especially has been drudging up all kinds of thoughts and emotions, all linked to my first two chakras. Yesterday, I woke up with an old whiplash injury flaring up. The area around my left shoulder blade tends to get sore when I am stressed out. It has not been an issue for a long while, so I knew it meant I needed to relax and unwind. So, I went out to eat with my husband and had two Long Island Iced Teas. I immediately began to relax. Mostly I laughed a whole lot. Everything was funny.

My husband and I talked about the Kundalini energy for a while. He continues to think this energy is just sexual attraction and my wanting to leave him for another man. He said he believed the minute I found someone else I would leave him, that I have just been waiting for the opportunity to go. I told him, “Maybe I already have and chose you instead?” He wanted to know why I would choose him and I told him that Kundalini attraction tends toward reactivity; it is ungrounded. I explained that our relationship is the opposite. It is solid and logical in comparison. I said that I am looking for a mixture of the two, a nice blend of the intense Kundalini fire and the non-reactive, groundedness, like what we have.

As we talked and I explained the Kundalini fire and attraction, the word “folly” popped into my mind. I said there was a quote about folly and love. We both immediately searched Google for it. This is what came up:

Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise | Picture Quotes
We both got a good laugh out of it. It felt like he understood me. Finally.

Oddly, there was this sign behind the bar that caught my eye. I ended up staring at it for a long time and finally just snapped a photo. See if you can figure out why:

IMG_3240

Look at the year. 1997. Yeah, weird. I mentioned it to my husband and we talked about what we were doing in 1997 on the drive home. I was married to my ex and living in Alabama. Though I didn’t mention it to my husband (he knows), I had a near affair with one of my ex’s friends at that time. Another memory I prefer to bury. Not my best year.

What were you doing in 1997?

When we got home, I went on a long walk with my daughter and our dog, Monty. I laughed while we walked in a huge field behind a church and let Monty roam free. Here are some photos of our walk:

 

 

 

For some crazy reason the two drinks lingered in my system much longer than they should have. I was still tipsy at around 10pm! I fell asleep easily and slept until almost 9am.

Dream: We are One, We are Many

Prior to bed I asked for help with some current issues I’ve been having. I have become acutely aware of a major blockage in my second chakra and I can’t seem to break it loose. I asked for insight into the reasons for this.

In this dream I entered a library (search for knowledge) and stopped at the front counter where the clerk sat. She was a nice looking blonde woman in her mid-thirties, early forties. She seemed to know me and I her.

In front of me on the counter were piles of typed documents (discovery, self-realization), blog posts that I had not posted yet. In the dream the pile was spread out on the counter but in my mind I was going through them on my cell phone while also physically sorting them. At one point I came across a document that I had not typed. In fact, I knew someone must have hacked into my phone. I skimmed through it and saw that it made little sense but then my eyes stopped on the end. There, clear as day, were the words, “We are One, We are Many.” I knew, then, that it was a message from my guidance, likely a channeled message. Sadly, I only recall the end line now. 😦

Then, the blonde woman picked up a business card that was laying with my documents and said, “I’m going to call him.” I panicked and grabbed the card. I told her that it was mine, from a friend. She inquired about him and I said he and I had a connection. She said, “Ah…I get it!” I mentioned a name, but the name I said was the name of my loan officer who just helped us close on our refinance. lol The whole time a song was playing but I can’t remember it now. It was a mixture of heavy metal and rock/pop.

Then I was watching the blonde woman talking to my MIL. They appeared to be friends. The blonde lady agreed to meet my MIL at 7:30am the next day. Their conversation revealed that they met up often and that the blonde woman was trying to earn extra money. When I heard she needed money I asked her if she was struggling. She said she was. I immediately got out my billfold and pulled out a wad of money. It was a mixture of bills but I knew there was a $100 bill inside. I thought maybe I would ask her to close her eyes and pick one but then decided I would just give her the $100 (success is within your reach). I handed it to her and told her, “There’s no need to worry.” The woman took it but never said thank you. She walked over to her purse and said something about using it for her violin (peace and harmony).

I awakened with a heavy energy covering my body. I knew the message about money was from me, to me. My guidance often told me that I will always have enough. Money would not be an issue. I also knew the message “We are One, We are Many” was from my guidance. They have said this often.

This song was going through my head, specifically the “whatever it takes”:

The fire and water elements in the video are not lost on me. Nor is the message.

August has been exactly that: Fire and Water.

For some odd reason, when I woke I knew that the solution to my second chakra problem is feminine energy. This consideration seemed like a breakthrough to me. It made total sense. If the issue is a feminine one, which is likely considering it’s location in the energy body, then masculine energy would only aggravate the problem, forcing something that force alone created. What is needed to pry it loose is feminine energy.

Back to 1986

And so, now you see why that memory from 1986 came up. I do not think it coincidence that I would wake up thinking I needed to connect with another woman, to use the feminine energy to heal and bring me back to wholeness, only to have memory of doing exactly that over 20 years ago come to mind.

If you look at my memories from that year, you see potent, feminine, sexual energy, newly awakened in me, paired with trauma, trauma caused by the masculine energy, that of my father. There is intermixed with it all a confusion resulting from this energy, a confusion that was never resolved, and a decision made by me to bury the memory, the “shame”.

Add to this memory the recent reconnection I had with my best friend from high school, and it all seems perfectly obvious and clear: Feminine energy is needed now, not masculine.

The first conclusion one might draw is that I need to get with a woman energetically or even physically; have a repeat of 1986. I don’t know if that is necessary. It could also mean that I need to tap into my own feminine energy somehow. But then I don’t know how I can do that.

Any suggestions appreciated.

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I Can Feel It Coming Back Again

I’ve been sensing a new energy for a few days now. It comes with a sense that something important is about to happen. This feeling manifests in odd ways. For example, yesterday I kept thinking I had forgotten to do something important but never recalled what that was. The feeling followed me for several hours. Similarly, I kept checking my phone thinking I needed to because it felt like there was an important message but there never was one.

Yesterday morning I had several dreams in a row that woke me in tears. It felt like the beginning of another surge purge but has not since returned. The dreams had something in common – they were all about my family. And, as usual, the tears really didn’t make much sense.

For a couple of weeks I’ve had a repeating dream symbol…..well two actually. The first is fishing. The second is that I catch a “fish” that is a white and glowing. The first time it happened I caught a glowing octopus. In the most recent dream I caught a puffy, toy-like, glowing, white fish and my sister caught a glowing, puffy, white dragon that was three times the size of us. The fish and dragon both resembled blown up balloons, not real-life creatures.

The recent dream reminded me of an OBE I had a while back where I caught a scary looking shark-fish with razor sharp teeth and kept wanting to throw him back. That OBE was around a difficult time in my life where I had opened a Pandora’s box and was attempting to correct the situation.

My guess is that I am handling repressed emotions. That is what fishing symbolizes – confrontation of repressed emotions. You “cast” out into the murky depths of your subconscious and bring forth a “fish” (repressed emotion) and then confront it. What the fish looks like indicates the type of emotion and issue. The gelatinous forms my fish take indicate the emotions/issues involve inability to assert myself, low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. The dragon-fish is especially interesting since dragons represent a fiery personality and strong will.

I Can Feel It

During the day I feel normal, somewhat disconnected spiritually but also tuned-in deeply to the cosmos. It is a strange sense of being very grounded while also stretching my spiritual branches high into mySelf.

I sense another embodiment phase approaching. When? It could already be here. I’m not sure but several times now I have caught myself saying it was coming. In fact, yesterday I was sad in Knowing this fact, already grieving the inevitability of loss that arises out of the ashes of the death that results. It’s a feeling of touching the face of God only to slowly fall back down to Earth and suffer the disconnect all over again. It’s hard to reconcile the experience once it passes, especially when the memory hits hard, at times making this physical existence so much more distasteful.

The balancing act is not overly difficult but it is challenging and I suspect this next “infusion of Self” will only exacerbate the difficulty. The Knowing is easy to accept in the midst of embodiment. It is the after-Knowing that is a challenge. The reaffirmation of my mission, the understanding of it at my Core, inundates everything to the point that rejecting it is impossible.

A good analogy of the process would be this: Imagine you get a cancer diagnosis. You are told you have six months to live at best and are encourage to accept your fate and come to terms with your life and impending death. The process seems unending as you face yourself, but in reality it happens in a blink of the eye. There is the grieving process, the fighting of it, the denial, the struggle against your fate. Ultimately, though, you succumb because there is nothing else you can do. The powerlessness you feel is the hardest. It is like Fate comes in and takes over. Your hands and body are no longer your own.

Of course, in this analogy the Ego is the one fighting and in denial. It is the one who feels “taken over” and “powerless”. The embodiment process does have that flavor to it – the flavor of dying, of death. It takes over and then you are no longer you. It is so fast, so streamlined, that you don’t even realize it has happened until you can no longer find your old self but instead are this new, amazing version that Knows so much and is outside of Space and Time.

I’m not afraid at all of it happening again. I look forward to it. BUT I do not look forward to coming back down and reality (this physical reality) setting in.

I hear audibly just now, “It gets easier.” I bet. I have no doubt.

A phrase from a song has been in my head this morning, thus the title of this post – I can feel it coming back again…..I can feel it.” Yeah, it’s coming….

Interestingly, this morning I had yet another clue provided via my own mouth. From upstairs I heard our dog whining to get let in, so I yelled down to my daughter, “Let Monty in.” This was what my mind sent to my mouth to say, but what came out was, “Let Monty walk-in.” Hahahaha I caught it immediately because it was like someone took over my mouth and voice and spoke for me. So odd and somewhat discombobulating but not a first for me, not at all.

 

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Kundalini Dream: Queen of Sheba

Another visit from the Kundalini this morning. Two events in three days. Not bad after such a long break.

Kundalini Dream: Queen of Sheba

This dream is complex and so will be difficult to recount because there are two stories going on at the same time. One story takes place on a “screen” and I am an observer of it. The other story takes place off screen where I watch the screen while laying in a bed.

The story taking place on the screen is of a queen. I don’t know who the queen is but she is very powerful and revered. She first appears as old and tired. She is still revered and powerful but her desire and motivation have been depleted by life. I see her hair as brown with large amounts of gray streaked through it. Her hair is short and pulled back in a ponytail. Her face is tired and etched with deep lines. She doesn’t smile but looks serious. She seems to be struggling to maintain her strength and pose.

She has a male caretaker who speaks to me (I shift from observer to participant throughout). There is a serious discussion about the queen but I don’t recall it. Some kind of exchange or proposition is being presented. The queen is very insistent that she get what she wants.

The dream shifts to the queen who is standing in the middle of the room. She has regained her strength and her hair no longer has streaks of gray. As she moves toward a large window she reaches down and takes hold of a massive amount of hair that I hadn’t noticed prior to this point. The hair is long, reaching down to her ankles, and has been braided into tiny, individual braids (determination and strong will). She gathers up her braided hair and smiles. There is a sense that her hair gives her strength and restores her power. It is at this point that I recognize her to be the Queen of Sheba, though I have no idea what that means.

In the other story, I am in a large bed under a plush comforter. To my right is a pre-adolescent boy. To my left is a mature man. I am holding the hands of both and we are all watching a large screen in front and slightly above us. All three of us are naked.

I am very aware of this part of the dream, especially that I am between two male individuals and holding both their hands. My focus and attention is mostly on the man to my left. I am curious and a bit fascinated by him. My memory of the man on my left is that he is young, perhaps early 20’s, tall, and very pale skinned. In contrast, the young man to my right has darker skin and dark hair. He feels to be related to me but how, I am not sure, but I feel responsible for him and somewhat protective.

My awareness is mostly of holding each of their hands during this time. I feel both their hands very solidly. The young man has his hand wrapped around mine like a child would hold the hand of his mother. The other man has intertwined his fingers with mine in an offer of companionship, protection and support.

At one point the man to my left gets out of bed. He is completely naked and I can’t help but admire his beauty. He is very skinny and white and has not one hair on his body. I never see his head or face. My gaze follows him as he steps out of the bedroom and into the hallway. I see his entire backside and as he turns I avert my eyes so as not to see his nether regions. The odd thing here is that the bedroom we are in is familiar. I swear it is my old bedroom at my mom’s house.

As he turns and walks back to the bed I close my eyes, squeezing them tightly. It is odd that I do this and I’m not sure why I do but the feeling I have is, “I don’t want to see.” It is like I’m afraid of what I will see and what my reaction will be to it.

He got back into bed and we both faced the movie screen. This is when I see the Queen of Sheba and all her long braids from above. I remember talking to the guy on my left about the movie we are watching and how exciting it is. There is a scene I mention where a woman comes on strongly to a man, pushing herself up against him and kissing him. I remember the man on my left did not react to my amusement. I had sent him a telepathic question as to what his opinion was of women who were like the woman in the movie. He never answered me.

A bit of awkward time passes. Again I am aware of my hands and what they are doing. The young man on my right is still holding my hand. The man to my left is taking my hand and lightly tickling it with his finger. I make the decision to let go of the young man’s hand. My memory of this decision is that I feel the young man will be okay without me.

My attention fully on the man to my left I sense from him an open invitation to be closer, though there are no words spoken. He lets his right leg drop and scoots closer to me. I move closer, shifting onto my left side, and position myself to where his leg fits snugly between my legs. Then he takes my right arm and pulls it toward him, laying it across his bare chest. The sensation of our naked bodies pressed up against each other is very vivid and real. There is a flash of his face at this time but the memory is lost to me now except for a blur of white.

My lower chakras ignite instantly and I am overcome with desire to the point that it wakes me up. I lay there awake, stunned. My root chakra is very large, extending down to my knees. It feels magnetic, so strong that it makes my legs feel to be two to three feet apart when in reality they are side by side. I focus on the sensations, amazed that no matter how often the Kundalini visits the sensations she brings are always different.

My partner is speaking to me but I can’t remember what he says or what we talk about specifically. While we communicate energy moves up my spine toward my heart. It is very physical and warm, like I am injected with medicine. There is slight discomfort but I know if it were any more intense, pain would result. When the warmth reaches my heart it begins to warm up, too. A nice swirl of energy results but there is a block at my third chakra. I can feel it distinctly. The energy in my spine can pass through it, but not completely. The result is a build-up of warmth at my diaphragm and a slight discomfort in my hips and just above my pubic bone.

To feel the specific blockage was fascinating to me. I wanted to will the energy in my heart to grow but sensed it was not a good idea. So I let the energy move back down. I encouraged this by finally shifting my physical body. Even then, though, the energy remained in my root chakra, shooting all the way to my knees.

Considerations

The symbolism of this dream experience is interesting to me. First, there is the Queen of Sheba. I had to Google it this morning and stumbled upon this article. I reviewed the biblical story and everything but only the beginning of this article resonated. Not only does the author equate Sheba to Maat but the crescent moon as well. After my embodiment experience I drew this image:

IMG_1752

The left side of the drawing is me before embodiment. The right side is me after embodiment. See the two crescent moons – one above and one below the individual? Yeah. Interesting, huh?

I am unsure as to who the two male individuals are in the dream. I’ve long had dreams with a young, dark haired, boy. So it could be him again. One particular OBE comes to mind where I saw the young man setting fire to bushes. He was dancing around amused as I tried desperately to put out the fires he set. lol

Whatever the symbolism, I am certain the Kundalini is back, working her magic and clearing yet another layer of blockage. I have gotten repeated messages from my partner to remember what I have learned thus far and use it to let the Kundalini reveal to me more of her secrets. I am not afraid. In fact, I am curious and enthusiastic.

January 2018

As for the last Kundalini dream and the messages that I received pertaining to June 15 and unfinished business from January, I finally went back to my blog posts from January. Turns out I was documenting my dreams for the first twelve days of the month to see if they would give insight into the coming year. This month would relate to January 6th. Here is the post from January 6th.

I don’t know exactly what the dreams from that day might mean for this month. A good portion of the dreams involve my family, my mom and step-dad, religion, sexuality and my marriage. There may be some annoying issues coming to the surface. What is interesting is that I read an astrological blog just yesterday about how this new moon (which comes very close to June 15) may bring to the surface annoyances and upsets relating to family and relationships.

Overall, this past January was a busy months spiritually and otherwise. I seem to be doing a lot of healing on many levels. It is also a preparation month. I was preparing for the embodiment experience I had in early February.

I will add that I recall a portion of the conversation I was having with my partner this morning while recovering from the Kundalini. I mentioned how I missed feeling Alive and was asking how I could maintain it. He said, “Take a break from ________”. I’m not going to include the rest of the message but my reaction was shock and then, “Yeah, right. Like that will help.” Hahaha However, the Kundalini can be very persistent and persuasive. If she keeps up like this I am bound to give in and listen eventually, right? We’ll see. I’m pretty damn stubborn.

 

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Stepping Up…for Real This Time

These requests come from within only every once in a while. I’ve felt them a few times but I can’t say I have answered the Call the way I should. I feel that I have fallen short each time, never quite fully devoted to what I signed up for.

My dreams are indicating it is time to shift from healing self to healing humanity; from individualized healing to universal/collective healing. Messages and syncs line up with this message as well. Time to grow. Time to expand.

Of course, healing self is healing humanity, but this is at the micro level really. We can only spend so much time on the self. Eventually we have to step beyond the ME to the US.

The messages come through in my dreams as me being encouraged to renovate another house, one that is not mine (as in my own self/path) but one that is shared – a communal  living situation (Earth/Humanity/the Collective). I am resistant, however, citing all sorts of reasons, primarily my children, for why I have been absent from the community for so long. It is my Home after all, but I stay away, clinging to my lingering attachments and responsibilities. The message that assisting the collective is also assisting my family seems to go completely over my head. I am hesitant and overly concerned about losing that which I have created in this lifetime.

But mostly there is a sense of the unknown and the typical fear that goes with it. The growth ahead is magnificent beyond compare. There is freedom written all over it. But do I really want that kind of freedom? At what cost?

The word “maturity” has been an almost constant for me as well. Anytime I seek to explain the transformation I recently went through – my own personal “event” –  the word “mature” comes to mind as a descriptor. My guidance doesn’t tell me this….I KNOW it. Yet what does it even mean? That I was a baby and now I’m “all grown up?”

The symbolism was present prior to the “event” – a bird being kicked out of the nest, forced to use it’s wings to fly; the butterfly emerging from the cocoon, wings still wet and unable yet to fly, patiently waiting for the right moment to take flight. These symbols stating unequivocally that at some point I would have to fly and no one was going to help me – no one could.  I have within me the means, the instinct (intuition) to fly, I just need to Remember it.

For days now I have awakened to a song. Only recently did I take the time to really inspect the lyrics to find out what it was telling me.

At first I thought the song was describing a relationship dilemma. Then, I thought perhaps it was about my Higher Self asking me to not ignore my relationship with mySelf. But now, I realize the message is much more than that. It goes beyond me, myself and I. It asks me to embrace the greater connection, the connection with ALL that IS; thus embracing my connection as being One with humanity, with the collective, with everyone and everything.

Only this morning did I contact the fear that is linked to my resistance. The fear is that I will be devoured by the connection to Source, to cease to exist as Me somehow. Ego is still there, clinging to the last remnants of what makes me, me. Separation, individuality, is familiar and comfortable. Safe.

There is also the fear of what it means to embrace the feeling. It is ginormous. It is compelling in its magnitude. To accept it means I no longer live in a bubble, inside my little me world, ignoring the We world.

My dreams also indicate that I am listening. The hesitation will not be long-lasting. I know what awaits me. I’ve been there. Jumped in head first. I only hesitate because I am aware of my very human tendencies that seek pleasure over pain. My fear stems from worry that I will fall prey to those tendencies again and be unable to control myself. My past experiences say, “Don’t go there. Remember what happened?”

My heart says this will be different. How? I’m unsure but I touched on the difference for only a moment this morning before my human alarms went off, pulling me out of the dreamstate in a panicked frenzy of, “Oh no you don’t!” lol The Kundalini stirring in ways unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time. But the peace, the utter bliss of connection very obvious. The message clear, “Trust. Love. Acceptance. Warmth” and most of all “Peace.”

How I can go from full acceptance to resistance almost over night is beyond me but I know it is purposeful. I need to observe this part of myself right now. I need to see the remaining resistance so that I can Love and accept it, pull it close and hug it away. But most of all, I need to accept that this Universal Love is real and goes beyond just one connection or two. It is ALL connection and we don’t just reserve it for a special few. Until I can embrace this reality, I cannot fulfill my mission. Humanity is shifting and I must shift with it. One day we will all feel connected to each other like I am now feeling connected to a mere few.

To give you an idea of what I mean, I will share a vision I received a couple of weeks ago. I was considering my past “addiction” to cigarettes and realized it was not the nicotine that kept me smoking but the consideration that in some messed up way smoking equated to feeling a connection to others; a belonging that I didn’t feel otherwise. Because when I smoked it was in social situations, when I felt accepted and part of a group even if only for a moment.

I was able to see also how all those who smoked with me felt like me. Separate. Alone. Seeking but unable to find. How similar we all are, I thought.

Then I was shown how this looked from a Higher perspective. I saw millions of pupa-looking cocoons each representing humans. Each pupa was surrounded in a shell separating them from the others. They were right next to each other but never could sense the other because their protective shells kept them apart.

Then a “wave” came over them and their shells burst open at the tops. Suddenly, everyone of them could sense the other. Their separation ended. Each could feel and sense the other as if they were them. They became as One but also separate. This, I was told, is what is happening to humanity. It is beyond telepathy. It is Oneness.

It’s the start of us, waking up, come on
Are you ready? I’ll be ready
I don’t want control, I want to let go
Are you ready? I’ll be ready
Cause now it’s time to let them know
We are ready

 

 

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Repressed Issues Resurface for Resolution

Another dream to recount, this time a lucid to almost OBE. 🙂

The dream took place in two bedrooms and a bathroom attached to a college/university. The bedrooms and bathroom seemed to be living quarters or a house. Symbolically, I find this significant as houses/bedrooms represent the Self and the private self respectively. Therefore, the dream indicates the classroom or lesson is taking place within the Self and private self. 🙂

For most of the dream I was struggling to stay awake. I felt extremely sleepy and kept stopping to snooze in various places. I also recall putting something over my eyes, like a sleep mask or my hand, almost as if I was shielding myself from the light. There was no light, however, as the entire dream took place in low light.

Anyway, within the bedroom I was laying on a large, white bed and struggling to wake up. I knew it was time for my “class” and I needed to prepare or I would be late again. Someone was with me, a male colleague/partner, encouraging me to wake up and being very supportive. What is strange is that the bedroom was within an office that was also a classroom. It felt like my space as well as the space of my male colleague – as if we shared this bedroom/office/classroom.

There is much lost conversation here as I kept losing and gaining lucidity. The tired feeling is most prominent. I felt really heavy with sleep and though I felt the urge to get up and get going I was unable to follow through for very long.

What I recall next is the discussion about my next class – 2nd period (9am) – and remembering it was my math class, the one from previous dreams that I am having to retake because I kept skipping class. I knew I couldn’t miss another class yet kept telling myself I could miss just one day and make it up. I remembering rationalizing with, “I can get the assignment from a classmate. I’m sure it isn’t much.” In my mind I saw the assignment as one page of problems but my memory of them is odd. They didn’t look like math problems but instead like code of some sort. What I remember most is what reminds me of a letter “Q” but it wasn’t from our alphabet.

The thought of missing my math class motivated me enough to get me moving. I went outside into the hallway to head to my math class. My lucidity was strong enough that I recognized I was dreaming and immediately took flight up and over the heads of all the people in the hall. Down below me I could see children of various ages intermixed with adults. Some looked up at me in awe while others were oblivious to me. It was a thrill to know I could be seen and I communicated with those who could see me. One little boy was staring and an adult woman looked but then pretended I wasn’t there. I said to her, “I know you can see me!” LOL My thoughts at the time were that these individuals were like me and could “see” what others could not.

Somehow I ended up back in a bedroom/office/classroom but not the one I started out in. There was an entire backstory but I can’t remember it now. When I went into this room I realized it wasn’t mine and backed out, noting that no one was there. I commented to my male colleague who was still with me that the teacher who occupied it was not like me. His students were allowed to mess up the room and leave it that way. I said I would not allow my students to do that. I remember staring at a student chair (the chairs were in rows like an auditorium setting) that had the stuffing picked out of it thinking I would never allow that. The feeling here was that where others saw disorder and chaos this “teacher” saw great potential and creativity.

I was directed to a tiny camera located in a black satchel on the floor. A video camera (reflection on past) was poking out. It was mentioned that the female agent it belonged to had defected but the camera was left on. The video footage could be of anything.

Somehow I ended up back in my bedroom/office/classroom and the video was discussed. The occupant of the other bedroom/office/classroom was on the video. For some reason I thought of him as homosexual. The video showed him having sex with my mother-in-law (unresolved issue). I reacted with disgust and it was abhorrent to me that anyone would have sexual relationship with her. lol

I opted to go to the bathroom (cleansing and renewal) at this time to finally get ready for my day. While inside I heard keys jingling and worried someone was about to come in but it was a man going into one of the bedroom/office/classrooms. Relieved, I stayed in the bathroom and attempted to put on my contacts (new vision) and wash (cleanse) my face (perception of self) but once again I got really tired to the point of falling asleep.

Again I found myself inside my bedroom/office/classroom. My colleague was with me and I was having a discussion with him while putting my hair up in a ponytail (casual and carefree attitude). My hair was thick making it difficult to get it put up. When I finally succeeded I had somehow woven a large braid (determination) into my hair.

A man entered the bedroom/office/classroom at this time and my colleague departed. The man was the man from the other bedroom/office/classroom, the one who I thought of as homosexual (union of aspects of self). He came up behind me and began to touch me, wrapping his arms around me and fondling my breasts. His intentions were clear. My reaction was neutral, though, with a hint of playful curiosity. There is memory that my colleague/partner and I had discussed allowing such play and so I did not feel any guilt whatsoever. I allowed the man to touch me but ignored him otherwise, continuing to get ready. My memory of the man is shifty but I recall seeing him as very effeminate. His skin was soft like mine and his demeanor very flowing and graceful.

Considerations

When I woke from this dream I felt extremely groggy, like I had been drugged. I knew, though, that I had been OOB and also knew the dream was an attempt to get me to “see” something I am, for some reason, resistant to.

It is obvious to me that the two bedrooms are two different individuals. One is me and the other is “homosexual”. Homosexuality symbolizes union with aspects of self, typically of the masculine and feminine. So this individual is Whole and balanced. The bathroom is, of course, cleansing and renewal, and is located between the two bedroom/office/classrooms. The combination of bedroom with office and classroom suggests there exists within me (bedroom) great potential (office) for learning (classroom).

Based upon some recent, personal life events I suspect that I am being asked to confront lingering sexual beliefs and issues. Since the “event” in February I seem to have “plunged” into (as if diving head first into water) Ego-related tendencies and beliefs that need resolution. These are being brought to my attention in various ways. I have suddenly shifted from being comfortable with sex/passion to rejecting it to the point of numbness. This is a repeat of a previous time in my life and, thus, is reviving related issues. In the past, my body just did not respond to sex in a normal way and now this is recurring. It is like an internal connection had been cut. Sex is viewed as intrusive and degrading, the male gender as possessive and hungry. The tendency is avoidance and abstinence which it is not leading to resolution.

zeal

Additionally, two of the “new” chakras that I am now aware of are becoming more and more obvious. The “well of dreams” or “zeal point” chakra at the base of my neck has been painfully obvious since last Saturday. Mostly I hurt right at the base of my skull and there is no physical reason for it. The other chakra, located at the small of my back along my spine is also very active, but thankfully not in a painful way. It just feels like a ball of swirling, warm energy. When the warm energy is present the chakra at the base of my neck becomes warm as well, as if the two are communicating with each other, and the pain is relieved.

There is also a point just below my crown at the back of my head that is buzzing with energy. In fact, it is doing so right now. At times my entire head feels alive with energy that shifts from one area to another as if syncing. Back of head, side of head, third-eye, and then back again.

The pain I am feeling in the zeal chakra is likely a result of clearing of the lingering sexual issues and beliefs that need resolution. These issues do not feel to be mine anymore as I feel a disconnect from them for the most part. However, the more I delve into them, the more I begin to “own” them.

There is no fear of this clearing process and my dreams suggest I am seeking more awareness of these lingering issues in order to resolve them. I just wish the pain at the base of my skull would cease. It is unpleasant but bearable. I have never had pain in this area until this year. Thankfully, it is not restrictive nor does it give me a headache or any other issues.

 

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Recovery Needed

The purging continues. It feels like the moon has been full all month! Waving my white flag over here.

Yesterday I was led to read some older posts in this blog, some from last Fall, some from this month. It occurred to me that this particular purging cycle was pointed out to me in September last year. I mention “Capricorn” both in a lucid dream and toward the end of the post.

…..when I awoke I recalled seeing stars in the sky, as if being shown astrology and the time of the year when Capricorn rules. I also recall saying something in astrological terminology to the man. The term I used was “aspect” but I can’t make sense of what I said. All I recall is that I said some aspect would affect me and it is related to Capricorn.

Then there was the goat reference brought up recently which has been following me around since 2013. I had been looking at my Twitter analytics, checking out my top posts, and was focusing primarily on those posts. I found a recent OBE where I assumed a goat was running toward me but it was two dogs. These reference go all the way back to last summer. Love how my dreams reveal future events, I just wish I was able to recognize all the message at the time they are given. So frustrating! But then, even if I knew, would I be able to do anything about it? No.

So goats, Capricorn, hmmm maybe there is a connection? The experiences in the post I quoted above was intense. I appeared to be planning my own physical death. What is interesting is that yesterday, when I re-read it I had been thinking of all the recent physical issues I’ve been having and thought to myself, “Maybe this is it? Maybe I am dying?” It sure felt like it.

Dream: Blankets

I don’t remember many of my dreams but the last is vivid in my mind. The dream began with me being oriented to a new job. It was in an education setting but I was not a teacher. I seemed to be assisting with various tasks, things I didn’t want to do. The lady I was assisting gave tests to children. They were simple tests where the child looked at card and gave the name of what was on it. The cards had pictures of various vegetables on them, specifically zucchini squash. I saw the results of some of the students’ tests. One in particular had a very low score while another had a very high one.

My job was to prepare the cards. I walked toward an area of the office with a huge Rolodex full of cards inserted in plastic sleeves. Somehow the Rolodex hit a cabinet and the cards scattered all over the floor. I got upset and overwhelmed and so just left the mess for someone else to clean up. I didn’t get in trouble for doing this.

While working at my desk I saw my file along with some others in manila folders. I noticed that it had my previous job title written next to my name. It said, “Secretary”. I knew my current position was not secretary (need to ask for help) and that when I was rehired I had to take a lower position. It wasn’t a punishment just a condition of my employment.

Then I was as if a blank screen came down on the current scene and when it was lifted I was elsewhere. This time I was in a living area with family. It felt safe and comfortable. The lights were off except for the television screen which was about to play a movie. My ex-BIL was there visiting. I sat on the sofa bed but then had to move to avoid the blanket (security, love, protection, warmth) he was about to put on it. I mentioned the blanket and he said he always brought a blanket so that he would be more comfortable wherever he stayed. I remember feeling so much love for him. A beautiful feeling of safety, warmth and love spread over me as if I were snuggled in the blankets he had laid on the sofa. Memories of when he was in my life, married to my sister, and all the good times we had together came flooding into my mind. He was always so pleasant and accommodating. Never once complaining of my presence or making me feel unwanted in their house. He was/is a good man.

There were thoughts then about how I missed him and those times in my life. I began to grieve and tears poured out of my eyes. I remember feeling an abundance of feelings and having two different sets of thoughts. One grieved for the past another was grieving for the loss of my security blanket – the love, friendship, safety and Divine connection of Home.

Understanding

When I woke up I was still crying. The only reason I stopped crying was because my nose was so stuffed up I couldn’t breathe. There were two distinctly separate feelings of loss. As I consider the feelings, which are still very real to me, my mind is blown. It is so clear to me what I experienced/witnessed that I am not sure if I should be happy and relieved or freaked out.

While laying there considering my dream experience and the grief I felt, my guidance was nearby. I shifted in and out of the in-between as we talked. Much of our conversation is lost to me now which saddens me because I had some really cool messages/realizations during that time. One I only half remember. In it I was placing a stamp on a letter to mail and said aloud, “This is my last stamp”. Then I recognized what the stamp represented and told my guide. I was like a child in class who just understood the lesson and proudly states their understanding to their teacher. I said, “I created that visual and the stamp represents _________! I did it!” My guide said back, “Yes you did. Very well done.” lol

I remember asking my guidance for help. The tears, the intense dreamtime work and my life feeling so very wrong lately is starting to get to me. Everything feels so absolutely wrong!

The number 54 was another vision I received. You can read what it means. I don’t have the energy to write it out right now.

Recovery Needed

The physical symptoms are beginning to take their toll. I weighed 128lbs when the sickness began and this morning weighed 124lbs . I look like a skinny, sickly, bony anorexic! The intestinal issues are better but still there. It is like my body can’t tolerate anything I eat, no matter how healthy or wholesome. I don’t know what to do except stop eating most every food I have been eating. But I have to eat something!

This morning I thought, “There needs to be a place where people like me can go to recover. Like maybe an ascension recovery center or a Kundalini recovery center….. Just a spiritual recovery center.” In my mind I was thinking of what it would be like – a place where someone could go to heal and process for as long as it took. There would be no expectations, no specific schedules, just a quiet, safe place with provided meals, individual rooms and tons of nature and space. Like a retreat but specifically focused on those struggling with what I am…whatever that is. There would be support given, but what kind I am unsure.

I asked my guidance for insight, whatever they could give. My guidance said, “Acceleration” which I understood as, “Your path is accelerating.” I was like, “Huh? WTF! Why!?” The response was that I had agreed to it. Ugh! I would do that, wouldn’t I!

I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was 5am and I was wide awake. This is day…IDK but it’s been going on a while. I hate morning “briefings”. I want to sleep!

As I lay there I began to think about the spiritual recovery center I feel I need right now. Long ago, during my first awakening, I had a business concept, a plan, that never came to fruition. The name of the business was, “Azna Spiritual Salon”. The concept was a place where all spiritual services were accessible, like a beauty salon but catering to spiritual needs. “Azna” means “Balance” but I can’t remember in what language now. I will have to go look through my journals from that time period.

This morning I was thinking, “I could create a spiritual recovery center focused on what I am going through right now. There will be more going through this and they will need a place to go to recover. Somewhere safe and quiet.” But my thoughts went to, “What am I going through exactly? And how the hell can I help others if I can’t help myself? I don’t have any idea what to do to fix myself! Until I do, I can’t help anyone else.”

I received information recently (when I can’t recall) that soon, in the near future, there would be a big wave of people going through what I am. They will need help. It feels like part of my job is to determine what that help looks like. To create a program for recovery. Hahaha It seems so absurd to me because if I knew how to help I would be helping myself right now.

What I do know is that I need to find a place to recover. Whatever is happening to me requires this. So if you know anyone who is willing to take me in for a month or so, someone who lives in the country or near lots of natural beauty, I would love to find a place I can retreat to and get myself sorted out. I know I need to just be for a while, and not just a day or two. I need a long while. So wherever I go, whomever helps me, needs to understand that I won’t be able to help out other than to to pay for my food and lodging. The energy must be high and the people high energy as well – empathic like me and understanding.

I laugh aloud to think any place like this even exists. I am not a rich person, in fact I have little money of my own, so not sure how I will repay someone for their hospitality. I will just leave it to the Universe to sort out I guess.

This song was repeating through my mind again, specifically, “Don’t know what I’m gonna do about this feeling inside. Yes it’s true – loneliness took me for a ride….”

 

 

 

 

by

Purge Surge Day 3

Riding the wave is taking on a whole new meaning now that I have given the intense emotional purging I experience a name.

Surge – a sudden powerful forward or upward movement, especially by a crowd or by a natural force such as the waves or tide.

Purge – to make free of something unwanted.

I know you know the definitions but sometimes writing them out is needed. It is in this case, at least for me. It just occurred to me that all this time people have been using the phrase “ride the wave” and I just accepted it without really grokking it.

I get it now. Yep.

Last night I had yet another purge surge. Lucky me.

Dream: Kill the Goat!

The dream began with a trip to the beauty/barber shop (looking to change direction, inspecting sexuality). Inside I watched a young boy get his hair cut by a beautician who was rather large and smoked. I only remember her from the neck down which is odd. She was smoking a cigarette the entire time and seemed pretty bored/apathetic toward life. She only took off a little bit of the boy’s blonde hair. While I waited I notice both her and the other beautician did not shave their legs. I even noted it in the dream thinking, “Hmmmm. Guess I am not alone.” lol

Then I saw my brother sitting by a computer in the adjacent shop which was nearly deserted. I asked him what he was doing there and he said his boss asked him to bring in his pet. I saw an old, brown pony (playful aspect) in the isle. When I went over to it, it struggled to get up as if unable because of its old age. I let it be and walked back to my brother but the pony got up and followed me. Turns out it was not old age but enormous testicles (raw power, energy, sexual drive) that hindered its movement. lol

I went outside to leave and walked to the end of a parking area. For some reason it turned into me following a group of young boys who were getting into trouble. They took me to a field where there were two very large men. One man had in his hands a rifle (power, aggression), the other a crossbow (combination of male/female energy). The men had with them a decrepit old goat (lack of judgement, desire, lechery) that could not stand. The whole situation seemed odd to me.

I watched as the men shot at targets. The first man hit his target right in the center blowing a huge hole in the chest area. The other man shot his bow only he missed the target and the arrow flew farther. The kids were chanting, “Kill the goat! Kill the goat! Kill the goat!”

I ran over to the goat to check on it. He was laying on his side but still breathing. He had not been shot. I helped him up onto his feet and he seemed better. The goat was a typical billy goat with go-tee and horns. His coat was white with a few large, black spots.

Dream: Obstacle Course

The dream flowed into another dream where I was with a group heading through an obstacle (hardships in life) course, only it seemed like a path to an unknown destination in the dream. A man led the way and we went through twists and turns, over raised platforms and under bridges. At one point the man warned it might be too difficult to go on. The ground was very muddy (spiritual cleansing needed) with sinkholes (uncertain about relationship). Unconcerned, I walked through the mud without incident. The man raised his eyebrows, impressed but I still felt it was no big deal.

As we came to the end we rested for a while. Most of the group were women but they remain faceless to me except one woman in particular. Everyone was congratulating one another and I noticed this woman was particularly critical of me. She said some nasty things to me like but I can’t recall exactly what she said. They were insults, though, and she looked directly at me with a snarl on her face and satisfaction in her eyes. She meant to hurt my feelings and was delighted to see me react in surprise.

I stopped and faced her, her wicked smile was piercing. I said something to her like, “Thank you.” It was her time to be surprised. She said, “What? You like what I said? You approve of it/me?” I said, “Yes, of course. You are showing me attention when no one else is.” The minute the words came out of my mouth I felt a heaviness in my chest that spread outward. A realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I seek out attention/approval and am so desperate for it that I will accept even the most negative and destructive of attention, when no other attention is available. Then I cling to it desperately even when more positive attention is available.

Ouch.

The minute the realization hit me I broke down in tears, sobbing so heavily that it woke me from my sleep. The tears continued along with an awful feeling. I remember asking myself, my guides, am I so desperate? Do I do this!? I knew the answer….Yes, I do.

I lingered in the in-between for a while, still upset by the dream and feeling like the lowest form of scum.

I was pulled into a visual of a very large blender. Trash of all types was being put into the blender – old, useless furnishing, boxes, and other large items crammed inside. The blender was turned on and the trash mixed up. Then I heard a very loud cracking noise and saw the glass of the blender split in a starburst fashion. The blender stopped and the sound startled me out of my reverie.

I couldn’t return to sleep after that. The sound was extremely loud and real and the image unforgettable. I knew it was a message. You can only shove in so much crap/trash  before it breaks you. Yep. CRACK.

Considerations

As you can tell, my guidance is laying it on thick right now. They are really working at getting my attention. It worked this morning but not sure it worked like they want. I am confused as to what it is that I need to do. I hear them loud and clear, but WTF DO THEY WANT ME TO DO!?!

In looking at the first dream, the message about the goat stands out above them all. Long ago (2013), I got a message in an OBE – “The goat will bite you.” It never really made much sense. Goats symbolize so much! My final conclusion was to go with the dream symbolism of the goat – desire, lechery and sexuality, but honestly I never figured it out.

Now in this dream the goat is nearly dead and kids are yelling, “Kill the goat!” I save the goat and it seems to revive. The dream message leaves me once again perplexed. If the goat is a bad thing, which I assumed since the OBE with the original message was before some extremely difficult times for me, then why would I want to save it?

So maybe my idea of the goat symbolism is wrong? IDK but I wish the damn goat would go away already. lol

It bothers me that my guidance was so insistent upon me hearing them that they would startle me awake with the sound of a cracking blender. It was so loud and realistic!

What is interesting is that I had gone to sleep feeling like I was being sucked into some kind of deception/mental instability again and that I needed to stop analyzing my dreams and even forget them altogether because it was doing me no good and causing me to have “crazy” ideas.

Music Message

On top of all the cRaZy, I had a song in my mind. Only one part – “I want something just like this…” The music was full-on, too. Listening to it makes me want to just dance… 🙂 If you haven’t guessed I’m a fan of Coldplay. lol Doo doo doo doo doo doo….I want somethin’ just like this….doo doo doo doo do doooooo. hehe

Oh and physically I am doing much better today. Still some slight congestion and a tiny bit of cramping pain this morning but so far no diarrhea and feeling pretty good. 🙂