Tag Archives: homesick

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Dream Message to Myself: That Feeling Will Never Go Away

Had a dream that very much could’ve been an OBE had I been lucid enough. In it I was at my mom’s house in the front yard. A boy and some other young people were running about. The boy said, “Can you do this?” and floated up in the air and lingered for a bit. I told him I could and began jumping around and floating/flying. I ended up in the trees a couple of times and one time a branch swung back and hit me.

Somehow I noticed a depressed girl separate from the group. I can’t recall why she got my attention now, but I went over to her to see if I could help. I told her I understood how she felt. She was feeling homesick and out of place in this world. The feeling was really getting to her and causing her to get little accomplished. I hugged her tight and told her “that feeling will never go away”. When I said this, I burst into tears. My crying woke me up.

I remember feeling lonely and isolated here, and, of course, homesick. I was told how important it is that I surround myself with “my people”. It seems hopeless to do that being there are so few. I can count on one hand those who feel like they fit that description and most have gone from my life now.

In HD my unique bodygraph indicates there will very few people I meet who fit the description of “my people”. The rest won’t be. Some might seem like it but aren’t. I must be wary of those who want to possess me and never let me go. It makes me very sad.  It is hard enough to be homesick like I am but then to be so lonely because so very, very few “get” me or even “see” me at all. The older I get, the more invisible I feel I am becoming. 

Chiron/Kiron Return and the 6th Line

I am fast approaching the age of 48. This is the year when life begins to shift in preparation for the Chiron return. I’ve been waiting for this change for a long time – all my life, actually. The Chiron return is when the 6th line is done waiting for the next step or next cycle. It is the culmination of a life’s work.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like it is nearing the time when I need to come out of my hermit hole and reintegrate with society/people. Most recently I’ve been the complete opposite. I want nothing to do with people, their drama or insanity. I’ve become very cynical and just want everyone to leave me alone. This is still how I feel for the most part, yet I’ve started to feel an inner nudge to let go of the cynicism and solitude and begin reintegrating into society. I’m not sure how to do this after so many years of withdrawal.

The dream says a lot in regards to how my isolation and cynicism has been affecting me. It also reminds me that the feeling that I’ve carried with me from the beginning of this life (homesickness) is not going to go away. Hiding from it or trying to push it away by distracting myself with this or that will not change how I feel. Where in the past this feeling was the impetus for my movement forward, it is now threatening that very progress.

I’ve had some “coincidental” interactions of late that seem to all point to what I wrote in the above paragraph. For example, I reconnected with an old friend (one of “my people”) which sparked a Remembering and helped me recognize my denial. I also recently recalled how passionate I use to be about helping people. I took risks I would never take today, mostly risks that involved putting myself “out there”. No matter how often I failed or stumbled, I got back up, and still saw the best in others. At some point, unfortunately, I decided there was no hope to be found in others. Deciding they will disappoint and hurt me. So, I retreated to lick my wounds and stew in my bitterness.

It is time to let go of what was in order to move into what will be. It is time to rekindle that simple Knowing that I have come here to fulfill a purpose – to help. Perhaps that feeling of homesickness, that intense grief of something indescribable and somewhat unattainable while I have a body, is the thing that needs releasing? Could it be that I am holding onto it so desperately that it is eroding my very Being, causing me to Forget and leading me into darkness?

I find it ironic that these insights are coming to me at the very time I am constructing a cabin on 10 acres, far away from the city, the politics and the people that make me cringe on a daily basis. It wouldn’t surprise me if I never live in it. Perhaps just the construction of it is enough? Still, though, it’s creation is in process, so that in itself could be the message: Not yet. Use this time to heal. Creation is healing. And I laugh a little because Creation, the creative force, is at the heart of us all. The Kundalini has taught me that.

As I was saying, there have been “coincidental” happenings lately that point towards the coming change. The woman I’ve been speaking with from the UK who has the same HD bodygraph as me was why I began thinking of that time before my Saturn Return. Back then I was open, somewhat naive and very intent on finding and living my purpose. It was her that helped me recognize how far I’ve come from that version of myself. I think Chiron will show me how to mutate the old me (pre and post-Saturn Return) into the new me.

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Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

Lots of vivid dreams lately. I have also been exhausted. Yesterday was better energy-wise, though I slept until 9am which is unheard of for me. The day before I actually took a nap which is also rare for me.

Last night I slept light compared to the last few nights. There is a sense of being pushed by my guidance again; like I am being asked to return to and inspect certain issues. I was not expecting what happened in dreamtime.

Kundalini Dream: Friends Forever

This dream began in a classroom. I was observer and also participant. The room itself was small and cast in a golden color. In it was a group of students, me included. The assignment was to create a video (review past situation or lesson). I don’t recall the specific subject (love maybe?) but I think it was a parody (making light of the issue).

I was given a long poem (improve communication with someone) and ended up making it into a song (expression of emotion). I spent a good portion of this part of the dream singing the song but can’t recall any of it except that it had no chorus and made little sense.

Eventually I was called to play my part. This is when I became the observer and from a distance I looked closely at myself and saw my face was covered in acne (feeling awkward or out of place in a situation or relationship) lesions and scarring. I said aloud, “I look awful.” There was recognition, though, that the me I was observing seemed not to be upset by how she looked. She wasn’t even wearing makeup (not hiding).

The me in the scene was asked to find a swimming cap (put a cap on emotion) and goggles (protect self from emotional harm) from another classroom (lesson). I was told, “It is under my swimsuit” by the girl requesting it. I went to the classroom and found the things and then got lost on the way back looking for the 5th grade hallway.

There is a shift here and I end up on my way home with a load of groceries (emotional fulfillment/nourishment) in the trunk (old issues) of my car. I run into another teacher and stop to chat. He also had groceries in his car. There is a strong connection between us and I keep finding excuses to stay despite my son coming and interrupting our conversation several times.

I asked the man if he wanted help unloading his groceries then stayed and chatted with him about random topics. We got along really well and it seemed there was a telepathic connection between us also. I knew he felt our connection. The elephant in the room in the dream was we were both married.  There was an unspoken understanding that we could never be anything but friends.

It seemed as though much time had passed, me continuing to visit with him and our friendship growing. There was one discussion about the sky (possibility) and how it could foretell the future. He looked up and said, “I see thousands of faces (possible selves) in the clouds.” I said, “You do?” When I looked it was mostly blue with some very high level stratus clouds. My son came over and interrupted again talking about what he saw in the clouds. I don’t remember what he said but the man looked at me and he said, “That means romance.” Uncomfortable, I looked away and said, “I know…”

I could see my son and husband across the way tending to a stock tank (pond). The land was bare, mostly reddish dirt. I knew the man I was with also had a pond (keeping emotions contained). I mentioned that he might have to dig a trench connecting our ponds to keep the water level up. I could see that the water in my pond was low and muddy (muddy emotion).

For some reason I told him about a parrot (repetition of information, could be a person) that had gotten into my room one time and how it’s loud squawking startled me awake so I gave it away. I was laughing about it when I sensed a shift in his emotions. Up until that point it seemed we had been purposefully avoiding talking about our connection. We loved each other so much but also knew we could not be together except as friends. It was a painful reality no person would want to confront.

I turned to face him. His was so beautiful and safe. He opened his arms and I crawled inside his embrace. He pulled me close to him and I rested my head on his chest. I could feel his warmth, hear his heartbeat and feel his muscular arms. It was so very real. It seemed like we were sitting on a train (life’s journey) or a plane near the window. He was looking out the window holding me close. We seemed to be traveling together. I wanted to stay there with him, to never leave his arms.

The more I fell into the moment, fully surrendering to the love, the more lucid I became. A warmth welled up from within me, pooling in my root chakra and then exploding upward like a geyser into my heart and throat. In the dream I began to cry tears of joy and snuggled even closer to my lover and best friend. His warmth mirrored the warmth within me. The feeling was/is familiar. It is perfection. Divinity. Wholeness.

The energy became so intensely beautiful that it woke me up. I resisted waking, grasping for what remained of our beautiful connection. All I wanted was to stay in his arms, close my eyes and BE. But the dream vanished leaving me with the stark realization that I was – am –  alone. The love and connection was gone. I cried.

I couldn’t sleep after that. The dream was a reminder of everything I don’t have in my life. There is a Knowing that I could have what I had in my dream and a strong urge to rush out into the world and find it. It is like I am being Called. I am no stranger to this feeling and am good at suppressing it now. An old pro. Just push it down, down, down and use logic to remind myself of reality.

My partner in Spirit was there. I’m not sure if he was helping or not because it seemed he was encouraging me to change my reality to match my dream. But the scenario in my dream was obvious. Whoever that man was I could only be his friend. In the dream I was okay with that, we both were. We were happy just having one another close by. That was enough. Could I live that reality? I don’t know. Considering I don’t have anyone like that “close by” I suppose I don’t have to worry about it.

Dream: Sharks in the Water

My entire pelvis area was stiff and uncomfortable and I thought there no way I would return to sleep, but somehow I did. In this dream I was traveling with a man. The part I recall the most is seeing him, his dark hair covered in shampoo (clearing out old attitudes and beliefs, taking a new course in a relationship or situation). I also had shampoo all over my hair and I said to him, “We look funny don’t we.” I was amused but he seemed overly serious, like he was deep in thought. He turned and pointed to a camera (clinging to the past, get clearer picture or idea of something) that was laying near a pile of dirty laundry and a washing machine. He said, “You might want to take that with you when you go.” I said, “Sure. Of course.” There was a memory that we had borrowed the camera from a friend and the friend was impatient to have it returned.

I picked up the camera. My mind went to my car. I would need to put the camera in the glove compartment so I wouldn’t forget it when I left. When I saw the pile of laundry (cleaning up or changing attitudes and self)  I gathered some up and put it in the wash. There was still a pile of dirty gray (depression, fear) bed sheets (sexuality). I said, “Looks like I will have to do more laundry.”

Then I was walking through the house (own soul/self). There were three doors at the entry. One was the main entrance and the other two went to bedrooms. One bedroom was empty inside and I knew it was haunted (repressed emotion). The first time I went into the room it was empty. The second time the man was there.

Next, I was in my car with my son. His glasses were dirty so I cleaned them (seeking understanding). Then I put them on and noticed his prescription was almost like mine but the left side was blurry. I gave them back to him.

Then we were going back to the house. The entire front yard was covered in a thick, spongy material that looked gray at first but then turned vivid green. The walkway was overgrown with weeds (feeling cast aside, relationship gone wrong), though. My children came walking toward the car with fishing poles (exploring subconscious). A man said, “We can’t go fishing. There are sharks in the water (harm to self).”

Heartsick

All I can say is that I have not been myself today. These dreams, especially the first, made a big impression on me. I think something shifted inside, at my core. Mostly I feel sad and lonely. That connection from the dream is real. It exists in this reality, not just in a dream, not just as Kundalini. And when I touch upon it like I did in that dream I wake up changed. I’m homesick and …heartsick. I’ve never missed someone/something so much. It is times like these I just don’t understand. I don’t know what to do when this feeling hits me. I never do. Of all the feelings I’ve ever experienced, this yearning is the worst. My heart hurts and it seems like I can’t do anything about it.