Tag Archives: human design

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Message: Wounded

After the dream message, “Just let go”, I began to wonder if maybe I don’t truly understand what it means to let go. And I wondered, “Let go of what?” I searched it and found several articles. This was a good one – How to Let Go and Free Yourself.

I recognized that maybe what I am holding onto is past hurt and disappointment. Holding onto these things is not helping me move forward or be present in the Now. The problem with some of that hurt and disappointment is that my life is filled with people who continue to hurt and disappoint me. How do I let go of hurt and disappointment by these people if I still live and interact with them daily? Knowing I should have no expectations is easy. Doing it, difficult!

Then there is the trauma I experienced with the heart connection. It has skewed my outlook on life and increased my bitterness tenfold. The hurt and decimation I experienced has been difficult to move through.

At the time of the heart connection I was going through a major Kundalini rising and had several K-events before, during and after. I came to see myself as special for these experiences – and I was – but then those experiences died alongside the heart connection. Now I am back to being just ordinary and left floundering about, trying to figure out what I am suppose to do. Who am I?

This morning I was awakened by a message. It came via a vision of a word being written in my mind, one letter at a time. The word was: Wounded. It was written in white, cursive letters on a light blue background.

This confirmed that to let go, I need to inspect my wounds, acknowledge and accept them as a part of me – my battle scars – but not allow them to define me.  

As I lingered in bed I had a memory from my childhood that gave me pause. As a little girl of probably 6-7 years old, I use to wonder, “What is love? What does love feel like?” These questions came up often as I grew, too. In fact, they were frequently on my mind. I truly didn’t know, based upon my own feelings and what I’d observed and experienced in my life, what love was. 

I think these questions came about as a result of the experiences I had with my mother and siblings early on. My mother could be very loving and cuddly, but more frequently she was quite mean and ruthless. Surely love wasn’t physical and emotional abuse, ridicule and humiliation? Not only that, but my siblings never seemed to show a consistent love for me either. In fact, I felt less from them than my mother. And my father? He was completely distant and unreachable for the most part. Being myself often resulted in rejection but being what (I thought) they wanted me to be did, too. So confusing!

I remember deciding at one point that I must love someone if when I thought of them dying it made me sad. I think I was a teenager or pre-teen when I decided that was what love was and felt like. Still, though, something about that answer didn’t feel right. 

Perhaps I have been on a quest to learn what love is this entire life? It seems so. Have I figured it out? Not exactly. I am closer to understanding it, though. For certain, the human definition of love is not the same as the Divine type. Human love is riddled with expectation and as a result can be withheld and taken away at will. Human love can be horribly cruel and destructive. Divine love is consistent and flows through everyone and everything. It is not withheld or taken away. Everything about Divine Love acknowledges and accepts the individual AS THEY ARE. Sadly, the human experience and conditioning can and most often does block us from receiving this kind of love. So human love has trumped the Divine kind. 

My experience of Divine Love and then the seeming loss of it has scarred me. I don’t like human love and don’t want to participate in any of it. Yet that is all that surrounds me. Human love is so riddled with expectation that I feel like I am on an obstacle course in every relationship I have, trying hard not to get knocked down by the sudden realization that, for each person, I am not enough and never will be. 

Then I thought of my completely open solar plexus in Human Design. I have absolutely no defined way of experiencing emotion, love included. I can be completely devoid of feeling/emotion or I feel it all to the point of overwhelm. Mostly I am neutral. This often causes other people to think of me as cold and unfeeling. They often feel my neutrality as rejection, especially those with defined solar plexuses. Sadly, I will never know what they know in this life because I do not have the means to. Love will be a mystery until I die. As will all the other emotions. 

On the bright side, having a completely open solar plexus frees me from emotional decision-making. Well, I am free only if I avoid being pulled into others emotions and letting those emotions sway me. Unfortunately, others do not see my decision-making as good if I disregard emotion, mine and others.

The message of me being “wounded” is likely linked to my openness (HD). So much conditioning, so much confusion on my part as I try to navigate life and constantly run into people who pull me one way or the other. I am meant to flow but how do I maintain flow when I am being pulled in so many directions? Do I just ignore what feelings I have all the time, remaining neutral throughout? I don’t want to just be trampled all the time, yet that is how I feel. I feel powerless almost all the time. It is no wonder I am always trying in vain to control things – anything to help me feel more sane.

I recognize that we come here to navigate the obstacle course called life. It is a “game”. Sadly, I feel I have been knocked down so much I don’t want to play the game anymore. Why get back up only to be knocked back down? I’ve gotten to the point that even the simplest life problems take a huge toll on me. The tiniest amount of effort exhausts me (emotionally mostly, but also physically at times). 

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LYD Zoom FAIL and Info on Authority

Attended the Living Your Design (LYD) Zoom meeting and was quite disappointed. First, there were a total of 18 participants! So the group was too big IMO for any kind of meaningful, connected discussion to occur. The majority of the participants were young, also, which created a completely different vibe, one I was not thrilled about. As a teacher, the group reminded me of my elementary aged students – ages 6 or so. When I would ask a question, every.single.student would raise their hands, most of them rising out of their seats, and all of them saying, “Me, me, me! I know! I know!” This is what the attendance energy was like. I could feel from all of them how desperate they were for one-on-one attention. And when they were called upon, they eagerly took up way too much time talking about themselves, going on tangents or asking multiple questions.

Part of the group dynamics and this “desperate to be heard” feeling came from the fact that the majority of the attendees were Projector types. Why would this be? Well, Projectors have to “wait for the invitation” and, as you can imagine, the waiting can be difficult to endure. So, to be in a group where an invitation is assumed allows the Projector to speak their truth. This is what they have been waiting for!!! So, yeah, lots of very eager beavers, all ready to speak their truth which they’ve been holding in for what feels like forever. Then both facilitators were also Projectors, ha! They loved sharing their charts the most. Ugh. You may wonder, “Weren’t you eager, too?” Not really. I may have spoken if requested but I was not feeling it. I felt like observing and that was what I did. I learned a long time ago that group invitation has its limits, too, and most are not truly open to what I have to say. They will really only listen if what I say is about them and serves to guide them in some way.

Second, the first 2 hours was a review of the course and full of repetitive questions by people who either weren’t in attendance for the original question or were wasting their time in the chat room, not paying attention to the actual class (OMG so annoying!). Why they had the chatroom open, IDK, but the amount of notifications I was getting was distracting. It was obvious some of the students knew each other and they were chatting about personal topics related to HD but not related to what was currently being discussed. As a teacher, seeing the chat going on while the teacher was teaching, was a big trigger to me. It screamed disrespect.

The last three hours was meant to discuss authority specifically. Again, the students were eager beavers and the amount of time that was spent on emotional, splenic and sacral authority was ridiculous. To give you an example, when Splenic authority was the topic, I went downstairs to eat lunch and folded an entire load of laundry and they were STILL talking about it! I got up again and did more stuff and came back and they finally moved on from it. I would say they spent a total of 30 minutes just on that authority. There was only 2 hours total to focus on all the different authorities, too!

I waited patiently throughout because I wanted to hear about G-Center authority specifically. I didn’t want to talk or share or any of that really. In fact, I would have been horribly embarrassed had they called on me specifically. I just wanted to hear more on it and if a question came to me I would ask it. What ended up happening was that so many in the group were of the most common authority types (emotional, sacral and splenic) that by the time it got to G-Center the time had run out and the facilitators decided, “We will save that for the next Zoom.” UGH!!!! I won’t be in that one because I will be in Costa Rica!!

Sure, I could’ve left the meeting at any time and I did take breaks and shut off my video for most of it. When I tuned into my authority to see what I should do, I felt like there was nothing pressing going on that needed my attention and so I might as well stay. So that’s what I did. 

I was thoroughly frustrated with the experience in the end. In my observation of the participants and their behavior, I saw that most were fascinated with this new “toy” they had found and eager to share and explore it. They wanted to talk with their friends about it and do what children do with new toys. This mirrors the FB groups I’m in. All very young (20’s-early 30’s) and self-absorbed. It’s newness will eventually wear off and when they are asked to actually “do the work” a good half or more will fall away, distracted by another new “toy” that promises to give them all the answers and show them the way. I want to scream at all of them and say, “YOU have to do the work! HD is a tool. It is not meant to tell you what to do! It is not a fast track. There IS NO fast track!” 

The types of questions they were asking indicated they were looking for an answer to fix everything that is “wrong” with themselves. They all wanted a quick fix. Who doesn’t? But HD isn’t that. 

What is interesting, is that toward the end of his life, Ra Uru Hu expressed similar frustrations with people who came to him. They wanted him to tell them what to do. He got so exasperated that he eventually stopped engaging with people like that and called them on it. WTG Ra! I had similar concerns when I gave readings full-time. Too often people wanted me to tell them what to do, to make life decisions for them. It really turned me off to the point that I started putting limits on psychic readings. My rule was, “Don’t come back for another reading on the same topic until it has been 6 months.” I kept records, too, just because so many would come back and ask the SAME questions!!!

There was this guy, I will call him, “Splenic guy” because he was thoroughly obsessed with his splenic authority and had tons of questions, most that were really off topic and had no relevance to the class. He was called on at least four times throughout the class and each time he took up so much time that I ended up walking away from the computer each time because I couldn’t take it. When he got an answer it wasn’t good enough. Why? Because they were telling him he had to learn on his own. They didn’t give him the quick fix he wanted. Sigh. 

The good news is I learned a lot about the authorities. 

Solar Plexus (emotional) authority – “The longer you wait, the sweeter it tastes”. Don’t rush into things. Take your time. Ride the emotional wave. This means let the emotion go through all it’s stages until you are back to a settled, “flat” emotional feeling. Only then do you make a decision. This means that when something really tasty and wonderful comes along, wait it through to the end, when that tastiness is just a comfortable part of the experience and not a “woah, I want more of that!’. Only then do you move forward with a decision. Do I want this? If yes, do it. If no, don’t.

A good example – My mom is emotional authority. My sister blocked her on FB when she found out my mom supported Trump and didn’t take Covid seriously. My mom was very hurt and crying when she came to me and for my mom, who rarely shows her emotions, this was a big deal. She said she was going to take my sister out of her will. I advised her to wait a bit before doing anything drastic and reminded her to focus on the love she felt instead. I advised that she may make a decision she regretted otherwise. 

Sacral Authority – this is an easy one. You will get a “yes” or “no” response from your sacral. It is pretty obvious if you are not in your mind all the time and second-guessing it. If you ignore a “no” and do something anyway, be prepared to suddenly find yourself exhausted or struggling to find energy to follow through. 

Good example of this: My husband is sacral authority. He tends to say yes to everything (he has an open heart center, also) and rather than change his mind and pull out, he follows through no matter what. The result is he finds himself unusually tired for no reason, taking naps mid-day and struggling to find the energy to do things. When he does things he enjoys, however, he has endless energy. So, I try to encourage him to do those things instead, but he just can’t say no to certain people. His Not-Self wins too often.

Splenic Authority – Most common Projector authority BTW. This one is a split second response of “yes” or “no”. It is very easy to miss because the “voice” is really quiet. The Spleen responds “in the moment” and can change from moment to moment. So the response is for the present moment only and so that means in the next moment that response could change. So, at 1pm you may get a “yes” to go to that party but at 5pm, while at the party, you may get the “no” response. The problem is that if you miss the response then it is gone and then you are stuck with a prior one or second-guessing yourself. This could lead you to a not so good result. Maybe you just have a bad time at the party or it could be that you miss another better opportunity that you would have been led to had you listened and followed your authority in the moment.

I’ve got lots of people in my life with this authority and so it was very familiar to me its “changeable” tendencies. My MIL is splenic. OMG she is frustrating sometimes! She is ‘yes, no, yes, no’ in crazy amounts. With her, though, it is because she doubts her splenic response and asks people for advice. Her tendency is to do what others want when her spleen tells her “no”. The end result is that she ends up doing stuff she never should’ve agreed to do. Similarly, my friend really struggled with this when she was younger. I watched her jump around from one thing, place, job, relationship to the next as if she was a yo-yo. Her path looked like a zig-zag and the one thing you could always count on was that she was going to change her mind, probably right in the midst of something. She absolutely hated this about herself, but this is what being Splenic Authority is all about! It’s her Not-Self telling her something is “wrong” with her for bouncing around. What if that is exactly what she is suppose to do? 

Most of the Splenic’s in the group were like my friend. They hated that they were bouncing around and felt guilty for changing their minds. Surely they are doing something wrong, right? Nope. 

Another thing I learned from the abundance of time spent on this authority, is that people with a define Spleen (not necessarily their authority) are more likely to be worried about and waiting for that “life or death situation”. When there is nothing going on and nothing to worry about, they are worrying about the ‘what if’s’ related to survival. They are primarily concerned with survival and so when something survival related comes up, there is a tendency to go into fear. The more defined channels and gates in the Spleen, the more fear response.

I laughed about the survival focus and fear response because my MIL is a perfect example. She will go into a frenzy over the most minor survival related things. For example, the car we let her use needed insurance renewed. She had no money (always the case with her) and she was certain that if she didn’t have insurance she would get in a wreck and “bad” things would happen. She called my husband and harassed him for two weeks, leaving multiple voicemails and even calling me several times, just because she could not stop worrying about the “what if’s” if she let the insurance lapse. The thing is, she had two more weeks before it was due. LOL

My MIL is an extreme example, of course, and a perfect example of what happens when you let your mind rule over your authority. My friend doesn’t do this. She is calm and present in the moment. She is a good example of how to follow her authority. 

What I learned is that I’m very grateful for my G-Center authority. LOL I think the last kind of authority I would want is Splenic. I feel for you guys!! 

Heart (Ego) Authority – this one was covered only slightly. Basically, it is a “yes” or “no” response, also. The warning the facilitators gave is to be very careful of what you commit to because those with Ego authority will feel compelled to follow it through to the end. If they don’t, they will really feel split within. I think the facilitator described the feeling as if a limb were being pulled off his body. lol That’s sounds really awful actually. Someone with an open heart, on the other hand, may make too many commitments and then find out they can’t follow through to the end. They eagerly say ‘yes’ only to discover they don’t want to anymore or just can’t. I have a completely open heart center and I have to say I rarely if ever do this. I usually tell people, “I don’t know. I have to see how I feel when the times comes” when asked to do things. If I do commit, I don’t have an issue pulling out and I rarely feel guilty for doing that. I use to when younger, but not anymore. 

G-Center (Self-Projected )Authority – We never got to this authority in the meeting. This is my authority, though, so I will share what I know and my experience of it. This is ONLY a Projector authority. You won’t have it with any of the other aura types. It is also very rare. My struggle with this authority is that I don’t necessarily know what I want or what makes me happy, so following that usually doesn’t work for me. I have to ask myself how a decision makes me feel. I have learned that if I feel nothing, then it is a neutral result, so I just need to decide if I want to spend energy on whatever it is. Will their be a benefit from it? If not, I don’t do it usually. The thing about this authority is that the BIG life decision are obvious but the little ones are not – at all. And big decisions are rare, like once every 7 years – or more! When a big decision comes along, it feel literally moved toward action in one direction. It’s not something I can resist. The smaller decisions are what G-authorities get stuck on the most (as do I). It can be hard to know what to do or not do at times and usually I do…nothing. It can be frustrating but that is, I’ve found, what works best. I spent way too many years saying yes to things that didn’t appeal to me. I now know that if I don’t like it and my immediately response is “no”, to not do it. Period. The speaking the truth is also an indicator. I often don’t soundboard like is suggested but I literally hear the answer in my mind/body if I don’t speak it, which is the same.

IDK if other G-Centers have this experience, but for me, my HS speaks directly to me. I hear a voice, sometimes audibly, but most times it just “arrives” as if my own thought, out of the blue. It teaches me. It guides me. It gives me info. If you have been following this blog for any length of time, you understand some of it. It is unique, that is for sure. It often tells me my own future, shows me glimpses of it even, and it comes to pass later after I’ve forgotten and I have an OMG moment. It is always surprising me. It never gets old.

Environment (Outer) Authority – This is the authority of a Mental Projector. I don’t know much more than the image indicates here. It is very similar to G-Centered in that speaking to others (soundboard) is helpful but there is a time condition to this in that you speak with others over time to get clarity. The main point of this authority is that you look out into the environment to get your answer. You use others to help get clarity by listening to what you say to them.

Lunar (Moon) Authority – Reflector only authority. This one is pretty self-explanatory. You wait 28 days before making a decision. Sound-boarding is good for this authority, also. I like that this one has a time stamp. I wish mine did!

References:

Bunnell, Lynda and Ra Uru Hu. (2011). The definitive book of human design. Carlsbad, CA. HDC Publishing.

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A Tough Two Weeks and Dream: We Are God

The last two weeks were full of visitors and activity. I am just now feeling the crazy energy settle (to be replaced by more crazy energy lol). Here is what I’ve been through and why I was feeling so frazzled:

My brother arrived from Arizona two weeks ago, Monday, and we went out for pizza with him, my mom and step-dad. It was a 40 minute drive to the restaurant during rush hour but the place was nice and calm and the kids enjoyed it. 

The next day my brother arrived unannounced to our house around noon. My husband had told me my brother wasn’t coming until the next day, so I was surprised and unprepared. I hate it when people don’t give me a heads up that they will be visiting! I hadn’t slept well the night before because allergies kept me awake, so his visit was not at an ideal time. Turns out, his intention was to stay the night, so I prepped my room for him and moved my stuff into my sons’ room.

My husband came home early from work and took him on a tour of the business which gave me time to clean the house and tidy up. When they returned home my husband wanted us to all go out to eat, so that’s what we did. Then my husband and brother stayed up late playing chess while I got the kids to bed. I retreated to my boys’ room to sleep because I was exhausted. Turns out, I couldn’t sleep because I could hear them playing chess downstairs. It was past midnight when their game ended. Then I was just wide awake, tossing and turning all night. 

The next morning they were all up at the crack of dawn and so, of course, was I.

As is usual with my brother, he decided to leave earlier than planned. I don’t know why he does this but it feels like he wants us to plan activities for him and such but since we didn’t have anything planned (because he didn’t give us a heads up), he opted to just go back to my mom’s and then head back to AZ early. I could feel his expectations of me, but I just didn’t have the energy to drive him into Austin to visit spiritual shops, etc, which is what he wanted to do. Had I had sleep I would’ve, but even then, I had to work. Now had I had time to prepare it all would’ve gone much smoother. Lesson: Tell people you’re coming for a visit so they can prepare!!! However, I doubt he will do that in the future. Sigh. 

Relieved that maybe I would get some sleep that night, I went about my day only to get a phone call from my husband that he was going to pick up some friends from the airport and wanted to take them all out to eat. I figured, “Why not? I’m already so tired that it won’t matter anyway.” I had that weird feeling in my head that I get when I need sleep and I knew that I would get a second wind soon, which did happen. So, another night out to eat with a group, and on top of that a sleepover because one girl was going to South Padre with the family that weekend. 

I did sleep better but struggled to get to sleep from all the energy I absorbed from the evening. Then I was awakened early by everyone preparing to go to South Padre. 

When I got out of bed, I went downstairs and felt a bit jealous because I would miss out on the beach (I love the beach). I had opted to stay home for my sanity, though, and because our dog Monty needed someone to watch him. At the last minute I decided I should go anyway and bring the dog. When I got to the van I heard my youngest crying and saw him in the back seat looking very unhappy. I asked what was wrong and he said he felt sick. I told him to come inside. My husband followed and our son puked all over him and the floor. Sooooo, he stayed home with me. Turns out he had thrown up twice that morning already but was pretending to be okay so he could go on the trip. Poor guy.

Thankfully, he did not throw up again and by the evening was able to eat a full meal and keep it down.

The next day, feeling bad for my littlest, I decided to drive him to South Padre so he wouldn’t miss out. I had to take our dog with us because the drive is six hours and there was no way I was driving back the same day. Unfortunately, a storm system had rolled in and it rained almost continually the entire drive. I hate driving on the highway as it is, but add in rain and low visibility and I tense up and stress out. What was even worse was that toward the middle of the drive we got caught in a horrible downpour that lasted 32 miles! It was so bad that we passed several wrecks and at times many cars in the median stuck in mud. Water was standing on the interstate increasing the likelihood of hydroplane. I drove at 45mph through the whole thing as people zoomed by me, many of those cars ended up stuck in the ditch.

The one cool thing about this awful portion of the drive was that I knew where the storm would end. I kept asking my guidance to help me relax and Knew the exact place the rain would stop. When we got to the exchange and headed south (when the rain was suppose to stop) it was still raining and I worried I would be stuck driving slow the rest of the trip. Then, suddenly I said aloud to my son, “The rain will stop soon”. I relaxed and started eating a snack. Within a minute or so, the rain slowed and light appeared ahead as the clouds parted. I laughed and told my son I manifested the end of the rain. lol There was no more rain the rest of the drive.

We arrived just past noon and my exhaustion had me in zombie mode. I didn’t sleep well that night (surprise) but took a short walk on the beach the next morning. I left for home mid-morning but it was much more pleasant a drive with no issues. The entire drive my third-eye was blazing. Not sure why but maybe from lack of sleep.

The activities are not over. My SIL is hosting a young girl for a few weeks and, like the Generator she is, feels she has to fill every minute of this girl’s day with activities. Tomorrow we go to an indoor water park. Today was suppose to be Six Flags but my daughter got in trouble and so I cancelled it. My SIL has been trying to go around me to get the trip to happen anyway and my husband was helping her! This, BTW, is typical. These Generator busy-bodies never stop! Thankfully, it is raining today (thunder and lightning) so my SIL and husband will have to just deal and do Six Flags another weekend. Daughter remains effectively “grounded” (which she should) and I get to rest a bit before another hectic day tomorrow (rain or shine).

And just for fun – this was posted on a store window in South Padre. Love it!

Dream: We Are God

Early this morning I was awakened by a guide who was close and on my right. When I felt him near, I felt a familiar energy, a draw to him like the Kundalini connections I’ve had. He acknowledged this and then asked me a bunch of questions. I can’t recall them now because I fell asleep while talking to him, but I do remember opening a book entitled, “How to be Whole” When I opened the pages there was text about it but I became too aware and the text faded. I knew my guide was telling me that my purpose here was Wholeness and to not give up because I was very close. 

When I fell asleep I was in a car (life path) driving (in control). My kids were in the back seat and the road was familiar. I kept zoning out through the drive only to come back to the car scene in a panic and unable to see clearly. A voice reassured me that all would be okay and to surrender to the experience. This is similar to experiences I’ve had while driving, specifically when my crown opens up and communication comes through. I always feel like I am dreaming and I can’t recall driving my car at all. Yet I always reach my destination. In the dream I kept worrying about the car wrecking but would always find it driving itself. 

At one point in the dream I was transported to a scene where I was riding a horse (freedom) with a group. Everyone stopped and dismounted. Someone asked me about my horse because it was a specific breed that needed a handler who knew what they were doing. I told them I was permitted to travel alone and was more than capable of handling the horse. The horse did odd things, turning his head sideways and showing his teeth and trying to bite me. The horse had the name of my heart connection, which was odd, and I mentioned how he was provided for me for a specific reason. I remember feeling very close to the horse and knowing his personality. His bites were love bites and he never intended to harm me.

Then I was in my grandmother’s house with my mom. I still had the weird open crown feeling and was phasing in and out of my car that I was still driving. I received a text message about “How to be a God” and looked down at it in surprise. I wanted to show my mom because the information was profound. I only recall now that the message was saying how we are all God. My mom didn’t believe me, so I showed her my phone. There was this huge chart that upon first impression looked like a chart of all the known demons in the world. But upon closer inspection, the images looked like Egyptian inscriptions. I showed her and she gave me this look like I was crazy. I then showed her an “artifact”. It was something small, round and gold. I said, “If I told you this was created by God, you would believe that it was Divine and cherish it.” Then I switched it to my left hand and said, “If I told you this was created by a man who revolutionized education, you would reject it because he was ‘just a man’. The reality is you will only recognize and give importance to those things that others tell you came from God.” When I said this (or something like it) I became very lucid because I knew what I was saying was Truth. I believe I said, “We are all God” as I began to wake up.

When I awoke I knew it perfectly described my mom. So often I present her with ideas and information that goes against her religious upbringing. She acknowledges what I tell her, sometimes even to the point of saying it makes more sense than what she was taught, but she always goes back to what the church and her parents taught her. Ultimately, she rejects anything that is not from the Bible. Because she does this, she limits herself and her growth.

The dream left me feeling sad for humanity because, like my mom, humanity is eager to believe what is fed to them and are easily controlled because of this. Humans don’t believe they are special so much so that to tell them they are God is unbelievable. God is something beyond Knowing. God is an all-powerful Being that lives “in the sky” (or heaven but somewhere we can’t get to and can’t know/see) and judges whether we humans are worthy or not. As long as humans believe someone/something else is in control, we will never rise above and free ourselves from this self-created trap we find ourselves in. 

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Human Design Primary Health System (PHS)

As I continue to explore Human Design connections, some important information is arising, information that I feel is relevant to my life path. My most recent exploration has been into the PHS – Primary Health System. This is the part of HD that has long fascinated me because it directs an individual toward their proper environment. When someone is residing within their proper environment, resistance is removed, the body is healed and they are better able to follow their strategy and authority. When I read about these benefits, I wanted them! Wouldn’t you?

So, I will now share what I’ve recently learned about the PHS. I will try and be as detailed as I can, but if you are just beginning to learn about HD, you may be missing foundation information that is needed to understand and apply what I am about to share.

PHS

The top, left arrow on your HD chart (which you can get at GeneticMatrix.com) is where you find the component of the PHS. You will want to go to your Body view rather than the Quantum view that is the default. The Body chart often times indicates you are a different type than your Quantum chart but don’t be concerned if it is. The Body chart is showing what profile type your body is. The Body chart is where the info for the PHS lies.

NOTE: Genetic Matrix has changed the name of the views from “Body” and “Foundation” to “Design” and “Personality”. This is actually more accurate a description and a good edit IMO but could potentially confuse you, so I am noting it here. It also appears you can view the Design chart without a subscription – so it is now free. Yay!

So, my body (design) type is Reflector, which is typical for Projectors.

From here, the focus is on the information listed under Body (Design). It lists the following on my chart:

Brain: Passive
Determinism: Nervous
Cognition: Inner Vision
Environment: Markets – Internal
Environmental Style – Observed

First, focus on Determinism (color) and Cognition (tone).

Before I get into color and tone, I want you to look a the first arrow on my chart below (has a big R with two 4’s underneath). These specifically align with the PHS and what I am about to share with you. Unfortunately, the Genetic Matrix design chart no longer includes the arrows which was just pointed out to me by a reader (thank you!). You can find this information either by getting a one day subscription to Genetic Matrix, by purchasing the Advanced Mia Mechanics Imaging software that can be found here (expensive), purchasing a quick chart via this website for $3.00 or getting a Foundation Reading from a certified HD Analyst (where I got my chart). The option I would suggest is Genetic Matrix but the arrows are not necessary to find your PHS.

Old Genetic Matrix Body/Design chart with arrows
Mia Mechanics Imaging Quick Chart

Determinism = Color = Digestion (of both food and information), tends to be where we hold deep conditioning.

Six types

#1: Appetite – two kinds: Consecutive and Alternating. These people need to eat bland foods. Consecutive peeps need to eat foods one at a time (no eating a bite of fish followed by a bite of potato). This type is the most primitive and restrictive digestion type. Think “caveman” diet. Similarly, when digesting information, you need to take in information little by little and one/or one subject/topic at a time; otherwise you could easily overwhelm yourself

#2: Taste – two kinds: Closed and Open. These people need to eat the same foods over and over again. Eat habitually and with a routine. The Open type tends to do well sharing food with others. Seasonal foods are okay, but the keyword here is “habitual”. If it is information, then these people digest information in the same pattern or way. They have habits and a routine they follow.

#3: Thirst – two kinds Hot and Cold. Hot – eat foods warmer than body temperature. Cold – eat food cooler than body temperature. Can also use Ayurveda. For information, the temperature is key. Too cold for those who are Hot and you will struggle to take in new information. Same goes for those with the Cold type.

#4: Touch – two kinds Calm and Nervous. These people need to prepare for digestion. Calm people need calm to digest. Eating alone is good for them. Nervous people need action to digest – with other people, with TV or radio, while talking/socializing, in public, or moving around (driving, walking, fidgeting). *Nervous is my color/determinism (#4) and I can verify this eating and learning environment works best for me. For example, I use to do my homework while sitting in front of the TV.

#5: Sound – High and Low. All about the amount of noise when digesting (food or info). High need sound (turn on the music). Low need quiet (put in those noise cancelling earbuds). High needs to eat frequently (or study repetitively over a longer time). Low needs to eat less (or cram for that test!). A High person may snack all day. A Low person may eat one time all day.

#6: Light – Direct and Indirect. This is the most sensitive type. Direct peeps need to digest (study/eat) during the daylight hours (not after dark). Indirect peeps need to digest at night (not during the day). *My husband is Indirect and tends to be a nighttime eater. I told him he needs to practice intermittent fasting during the day. He practically does this anyway.

Tone – Cognition – How you connect with the world
Note: Our Authority taps into Tone to help us become aware of what is good/bad for us.

#1: Security – Smell – Splenic (fear/survival oriented). These people need to “smell out” what is correct or incorrect for them. They are good at recognizing and are protective types, they do not like the new/unexpected, they tend to store memories well, they investigate to be aware of threats.

#2: Uncertainty – Taste – Splenic. High awareness of the world, recognize something new the moment it emerges, they like to experiment, they want to “taste life”.

#3: Action – Outer Vision – Ajna (third-eye, intuition). Strategic outer vision, they rely on their physical eyes, where the Not-Self mind comes from, they are fully aware of the world and are taking steps to control it.

#4: Meditation – Inner Vision – Ajna. Theirs is a sensory world. They take in information via their third-eye (intuition). Outer vision may confuse them. Do not rely on outer vision/physical eyes but trust their inner eyes. *This is my cognition/tone and it is very true for me. What I see within is what I go with regardless of what the outer world view is.

#5: Judgment – Feeling – Solar Plexus. Empathy is your super power. These people go on how something feels to them. Feeling is their compass.

#6: Acceptance – Touch – Solar Plexus. These are the touchy feely peeps. They need to touch the world. If uncertain, touch it.

If you go back to my chart and those two 4’s, you can see that my tone/color #’s correspond to those numbers. I am #4 color and #4 tone. 🙂

Environment – Ideal place to work/live

6 Types

1.Caves – Selective or Blending. All about feeling safe and secure in their space. These are very private people. Selective seek to control their environment more than Blending. This doesn’t mean you need to live in an actual cave, but your space may feel or look similar. One entrance/exit, dark or closed off, need to see who comes in, need preparation for visitors. Avoid sleeping/sitting with back to the door.

2. Market – Internal or External. These people thrive in a busy place. External needs to be in an active or busy space such as an office environment with open theme and lots going on. Internal invites people into their own space such as work-from-home, internet business, studio, gallery. *Markets-Internal is my environment and is accurate for me. I work from home now but also use to invite people into my space when I did readings.

3. Kitchen – Wet or Dry. This is a place of production. Can be an actual kitchen, too, but mainly somewhere things are “prepared” or “created”. Wet means tropical or green. Dry means dessert or arid. If you can’t be in a Wet or Dry area, you can put wet or dry plants in your actual kitchen or “creative” space. *My husband is Kitchens-Dry. He is all about production in his life and we live in a semi-arid location now but he use to live in New Mexico (desert).

4. Mountains – Active or Passive. This is all about perspective. These peeps need to see from “above”. Active means be/live in an actual higher elevation (high-rise, second story house). Passive is on a mountain top or plateau, natural setting.

5. Valleys – Narrow or Wide. This person does well lower in elevation (opposite of Mountains). They need to be “in” the thick of things, where the information flows. Narrow means less space around them and Wide means more space around them. It can be in an actual valley or in a space where information is flowing.

6. Shores – Natural or Artificial. Natural need to be around natural bodies of water. Artificial near man-made bodies of water. If you can’t be near either, then being between two kinds of environments will suffice (between city and country for example). Ideally be near water. Work/live near fountain if Artificial. Work/live near lake, ocean, river if Natural.

For Projectors

In general, some Projectors may find they tend to feel better when they eat small meals throughout the day (or night if you are that color)

Projectors may be prone to over-eating because of their tendency to be conditioned via all their open centers.

There is a tendency to not need as much protein (carb lovers). Higher carb diets may work for you.

These are just general guidelines, though. Always follow your Strategy/Authority. Eat what you feel drawn to. Don’t eat what repels you.

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Re-Calibration and Dream

Woke up this morning realizing that I am probably done with the spiritual work of my past. Meaning, I’m most likely never going to do readings or mediumship or medical intuition or any of those things to the extent that I did before I got married. Other, younger individuals, are taking up those reigns. They are the ones receiving the communication and having the expansive experiences now. It kinda made me sad to think of it but then I know this is part of the cycle.

There is a super moon right now and I had hoped for some experiences in my sleep. Kundalini would’ve been nice. A trip OOB like I use to have, visiting ETs, other worlds and living/breathing space ships would have been good, too. Nope. I just had a dream where I was outside, climbing in a tree telling my husband I am going to quit school and watching cars drive at night without headlights. WTF? lol

I know my guidance advised me not to look too much into my dreams, but here it is anyway:

Dream: Quitting School

I find myself suddenly standing outside the elementary school I attended in 5th grade. I am at the back of a line of young students, about five to ten feet from the group. A teacher is asking them to be quiet and fix the line. She is making threats like, “We will stand here until you can listen, even if it takes all day” and “Everyone get five others to follow directions”. The kids are trying to stand in a straight line but they are struggling. Some want to wander, others are just not understanding what “straight” means, and still aren’t listening because they are talking to their friends or just distracted by the world around them. 

As I watch, I recall being the student and the teacher and going through this routine. I wonder, “Why is it so important that the line be straight and the kids don’t talk?” I think how the new generations will challenge those who attempt to get them to do things that make no actual sense and serve no other purpose than to force them into submission. 

As I am standing in line, I am able to see and experience the scene from all perspectives. I have 360 degree vision. As a result, I turn and face myself, zooming in on my body standing there observing. I realize I am wearing my night shirt and long pants. I return to my own perspective feeling a bit confused and worried that I am not properly dressed. I think I should ask the teacher, “Do you have a school shirt I could wear?” But I don’t ask. Instead, it feels like an outside force pulls me back out to take another look at myself. My visual field is focused as if looking through a telescopic lens. It zooms in on the front of my t-shirt where a large rose is centered over my chest. I am reminded of a similar occurrence the night before where this rose was illuminated. I feel/Know it is a message.

The scene shifts. I am in a void but recall talking to my husband or someone who feels like him. I recognize that I am attending school a second time around and, as is a common theme in my dreams, I protest this because I have already graduated. I think (or maybe it is suggested) perhaps I could learn something new by retaking all my classes? I recognize this is possible because I always find more info on second, third and even forth reviews of subject material. The possibilities are infinite. 

Then I find myself in front of my house. It is early morning and still dark. I hear and then see my husband across the street. He has our dog, Monty, and is crossing the street to get a ball. Our neighbor is a bit down the road and out of sight walking her own dog. The ball is hers. I yell to my husband to be careful of cars and to not draw her dog out into the street.

This is when I realize I am up in a tree. It is a small tree with thin branches standing no more than eight feet high. I am observing the scene from the tree and realize the conversation about school is on-going as the scene unfolds. I tell my husband (or someone who feels to be with me), “I’ve decided to quit school. There is no point in redoing all the coursework when I’ve already graduated. I can just stop attending, so I’m done.” When I say this I feel freed of the conditions I’ve found myself in. I realize it is my choice and no one can force me to go to school. I briefly imagine the scene at the beginning of the dream where the children are in line. I imagine myself saying to the kids, “You don’t have to stand in line. Come with me this way!” and then inviting them to follow me off to explore and be free. 

I climb down the tree as I say this and watch as a car drives down the road toward my husband. It’s headlights are off so it is nearly impossible to see the car. I yell a warning and see another car coming from the opposite direction. Again, it’s headlights are off. I walk toward the edge of our yard. My neighbor is walking to her house with her dog. I say, “Why don’t they have their headlights on? It is still dark.” She says something like, “Yeah, I know!”

My lucidity peaks at this point and I wake up.

Considerations

Upon waking I was feeling very disappointed and depressed. The realizations I wrote at the beginning of this post came to me. It feels like it is all over – like my work is done. I don’t see the point of continuing in this life and body as I cannot see or even feel what path I would take. 

As I was thinking this, I felt a pull toward my guidance and felt all at once to be receiving large quantities of information but there were no words. Whatever I was told, though, caused me to calm down and surrender. I felt relieved, but I don’t know why. Then I heard the word “timing” and “patience”. I responded that I am tired of waiting. It seems like that is all I ever do.

Interpretation

When I’ve dreamed of quitting school in the past, I always thought it meant that I am asking to leave this life and return Home. Since I’ve had this dream so many times in the past, I Googled the symbolism again in case I am missing something. The dream meaning of quitting school is this:

If you dream of leaving school, then this indicates there is going to be an improvement in your living conditions or home life going forward. Our attitude to our work ethic and life in general is formed whilst at school, which, in most cases sets out rules and various moral values which help us move forward in life.

I didn’t actually leave school in my dream, so it is an indicator that I am approaching a crossroads situation. My guidance told me I am being “calibrated”. I’ve been told this in the past. It means I am being prepared for something to come. The suggestion about learning through repeating school is that there is always something new to learn.

The part of the dream where I am watching the children in line feels to me to represent my time “on the roof”. In HD this is the period in which the 6th line observes. What I see is that society is stuck in the old ways. The souls arriving now will not conform to the old “rules” and expectations. I see that change is a requirement. The fact that I imagine “freeing” the children and allowing them to explore and uniquely express themselves is a positive sign. I have recognize what is needed and am willing to assist. As a 6th line, the whole end result is to step into being a Role Model. Perhaps my role has to do with children – or at least the younger generations who are going through their own awakenings at this time? 

The focus on the rose on my chest is interesting. My first thought is this is asking me to listen to my HS (G center), which in HD is my authority.

The rose is a symbol of the entirety, the higher spiritual world order. When you dream about a rose this usually represents love in some fashion but it can also represent fertility, admiration, rebirth and fidelity. The color of the rose also has a special meaning in your dreams. Red roses are most often for love and romance…..pink roses indicate unexpected help.

The rose on my shirt is mostly pink with yellow and orange. A rose in full bloom symbolizes rebirth.

Climbing or being in a tree indicates that I have reached a period in my life where I am experiencing the “height” of my career or success. It does coincide with my family’s affluence at this time so that makes sense to me.

The headlights being off on the cars as I watch from a distance are yet another indicator that I am able to perceive what others cannot or will not. The symbolism of no headlights is that an objective view will be reached but it will come with limitations (can’t see far ahead). In the dream there is just enough light to see the cars and surroundings but the low light prohibits clarity. 

Tired

I’ve been more tired than usual. I sleep deeply and struggle to wake up. Opening my eyes is a chore. It feels like a heavy weight is pulling them closed. Once I get up, though, I am fine until the evening. Then, the heavy feeling returns and I often end up in bed before 10pm because I just can’t keep my eyes open. 

I’ve been taking it easy when it comes to exercise. I am usually very active with at least 2+ hours of physical activity of some kind five days a week. With my recent illness (cold/allergies) and fatigue, I decided to take some time off. Today, however, I felt like exercising so I went for a mile run followed by a bodyweight circuit. Ugh! Well, my body said “Hell no”. lol I still completed everything but not without needing more rest than usual. 

Sometimes listening to my body is a loss for me. I am use to powering through tiredness and lack of motivation and coming out feeling wonderful in the end (endorphins). But lately I just want to take it easy, go for walks or do yoga. It likely goes along with the “calibration” my guides mentioned. There is definitely something going on. I can feel it, especially at night and when I wake in the mornings. So I am going to do my best to listen.

Something that crossed my mind this morning was that I should probably shift back toward eating less meat and more veggies – so vegetarian/pescatarian. When I wonder why this is, it feels like meat contributes to a sluggishness in my energy. It does take longer to digest meat and the energy signature of most meats has never agreed with me. Whether I will do this long-term or not is yet to be decided. I think I will just start with trying to eat less meat and go from there. I think combining this change in diet with less strenuous exercise may be just what I need.

What is Spiritual Calibration?

I finished writing this post and then a thought came to me: What if readers aren’t sure what I mean when I say “calibration”? I thought, “Sure they know. It means I am being prepared to take in more Light.” But the feeling I got back was, “Are you sure?” So, since I’m not sure, I will provide a reference for you since I cannot post any part of it here (copyright reasons) – Spiritual Calibration. Go to paragraph 13 if you want to get straight to the info.

Basically, the channeled information says that spiritual calibration is a preparation of our Earth energy body to accept energy from “higher” sources. Higher in this instance really means of a “higher vibration”, not necessarily indicating direction.

So what exactly is happening to us/our energy bodies/physical bodies during calibration/re-calibration? The specifics are not given to me but I know very well how it feels to experience it. All of the above physical symptoms are usual for me. What I understand is happening is that my energy body is getting an upgrade. A new version of my energy body is being brought online. This version will be better able to receive and process the incoming energy so that I won’t suffer any physical or mental side-effects. The fact that I am experiencing the deep sleep, fatigue and slowing down in itself indicates my system is “offline” right now. It won’t be this way for long, just long enough to complete the calibration process.

About 90% if those who previously received upgrades are getting another one right now. So if you’re feeling like me, just listen to your body, take it easy and enjoy some rest. If you don’t, you could end with worse symptoms. Panic attacks are my “you’re doing too much” sign. <— NOT fun!

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Becoming the Role Model

As a 6/2, the 6th line being my conscious personality, I go through three distinct phases in my life. I am quickly approaching the last phase which coincides with my Chiron return (around age 50). During this phase I am meant to step into my role as a Role Model. My incarnation cross is Left Angle Cross of Refinement. My profile type in combination with my incarnation cross is what ultimately defines my purpose on Earth.

I have been feeling a pull toward coming down from my rooftop observation point in life and rejoining the world. Prior to going up on the roof, my life was definitely more unstable in the sense that I felt directionless and alone. I went to school, got married and divorced and discovered my spiritual abilities all before my 28th year when I had my Saturn Return. By the time I met my current husband around the age of 30, I was very ready for a much more stable and comfortable position in life.

The idea of being “on the roof” leads one to believe that the 6th line has it easy, but my time there has been anything but. It continues to involve lots of trial-and-error! The main difference between my first phase and second was that I settled down and focused on family. I had a secure foundation on which to do that and so was able to really focus on myself and those things I wanted in life. As a result of my newfound security, I was able to devote time to learning/study, something Hermits excel at. I got a Master’s degree but also dove into learning about physical fitness, out-of-body travel and Kundalini. So, being “on the roof” for me was about delving deeper into myself without the dramas of the first phase of my life. Sure, there was uncertainty and questioning but I also had a great support system in place to assist me in transitioning when needed.

Lately I have been contemplating the question, “What does being role model mean for me?” Honestly, I am a bit concerned about it because I can’t really picture myself as a “role model”. Ha! So, I’ve been asking my guidance to help me to see what this role looks like for me. I am happy to be this role model, but I feel unprepared and doubt that others will embrace me as such.

My contemplation took me to considering my path up to this point, how my path seems to twist and turn as I am pulled along by others. Always pulled along by others. Interestingly, I recently read that my profile and incarnation cross specifically indicates I cannot and will not become the role model I am meant to be without the assistance of others. I have purposefully created this dilemma, I know, and I can’t help but laugh about it. Here I am, with high hermit tendencies, swearing I would be happiest living alone and far away from other people, only to find I can’t make any progress without their help!

I mentioned in another post the idea I just had about building a cabin on my mother’s property so I have a place to retreat to without interference from other’s energies. Well, this weekend I visited my mother and presented her with my idea. Turns out, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Some things had happened my mom hadn’t told me about. First, they got a home equity loan to work on the pond on the property and do other improvements. They had already moved dirt and put in a road to access the back 10 acres.

My mom also told me that my younger sister disowned her in February. They had a phone conversation and my mom mentioned she wasn’t a believer in Covid. Then my sister asked her if she was a Trump supporter. Well, my mom told her she was and my sister hung up on her. Not long after she blocked her on FB and did the same to our brother when he said he supported Trump. My mom has not been able to contact my sister since. My mom was in tears because she couldn’t believe my sister would be so petty and break ties over political views. I listened, held space for her and told her I wasn’t surprised. My sister has been moving toward total family disconnect for years. She was just waiting for an excuse to do so. I advised my mother to try to make decisions from a place of love. My mom said she is trying.

Later, my mom expressed how she feels creating a spiritual retreat out of her land is her life’s purpose. She said, “It’s all I think about. It keeps me awake at night.” I told her I would help her however I could. Honestly, while there with my mom I could see myself building and expanding on her dream. I told her it would have to be non-denominational, and she agreed that was okay. She wants me to manage it when it’s complete. She even told me I could build my cabin as a permanent residence. She is excited about the idea of creating a lodge with a reception and rooms for rent. Our visions matched and I couldn’t be more happy to hear this.

My husband is going to use AutoCad to create plans for the layout of the retreat space (cabins, lodge, RV hookups, camp sites). He is then going to help me create plans for the main lodge. I love creating house layouts, btw. I did the layout for the addition at our old house and have always enjoyed creating spaces.

Speaking of “creating spaces”, this is part of my incarnation cross. Ha! The Left Angle Cross of Refinement is all about creating spaces and believing everyone has the right to privacy and a space of their own. It’s about bringing alignment and refinement to a chaotic, disordered world.

After my visit with my mom the retreat idea has stayed with me. I thought of how cool it would be to manage a spiritual retreat and various ideas came to me. With the recent change to our financial situation, we can really do whatever we want. That is a wonderful place to be!

Modelo

On my morning walk I asked the Universe to show me if I am on the right path. I did this two days in a row. Both times I was provided with answers.

The first find was a single, unused cigarette in perfect condition laying on my path. The second find was an unopened bottle of Modelo beer. LOL

The first thing I thought upon finding the cigarette was “tobacco ceremony”. My second thought was “celebration”. A Google search revealed the symbolism, which is reaching adulthood or maturity.

The beer made me laugh because I thought, “Now I have a beer to drink while I smoke.” lol Of course, I have no intention to smoke or drink.

I didn’t think on it much after until I was cleaning dishes later that morning. I realized Modelo means “model”. In other words, “role model”. I became emotional because I was hit with recognition of the message all at once. It was an indicator that the Universe was acknowledging my question and confirming an answer will be provided. It said to me, “Follow your heart. You will Know.” And I felt that helping my mom with her retreat aligned with my purpose. I may not know how exactly, but I am open to whatever comes. It is very possible that part of my mom’s purpose is to create this space while also to helping me realize my path/purpose. Like I mentioned previously, my purpose cannot be realized without the help of others.

Along with the “model” message, the symbolism indicates that yes, this is a time of celebration and maturation. A path is starting to take shape.

I also felt a tinge of sadness. It is hard to describe why but it has to do with knowing that to help with this retreat puts me in a position to be resented by my sisters. I feel unable to do much about this and feel it is something that has to play out. My mom told me she is leaving her house and the retreat to me in her will and leaving the back 10 acres to my brother (a 2/4 Generator who wants to live there). If this remains in place when she passes, it will most definitely create major upset. I have resolved that if this happens, I will do whatever I can to appease my sisters and keep the peace but I won’t do anything to upset the energy/balance of a sacred space. I do hope my mom changes her will to allow give them more, but if she doesn’t I need to recognize the potential for some very heavy, negative energy.

There is another piece to this. My entire life I’ve said that my ideal living space would be a home near a pond in the country. The pond would be large and full of fish so that I could go fishing whenever I wanted. It is funny, but then this has always been what I think of when I think of my ideal space. I love to fish and would like nothing more than to own my own private fishing pond. My mom is working very hard to create a pond that will not lose water so that it can be stocked with fish. In our area, ponds that retain water are rare. You have to have a spring that runs year long. In order to create a functional pond, my mom is going to hire someone to line it and make sure it holds the water. Then she is going to equip it with a system to circulate and add water as needed. It will basically be like a swimming pool, but for fish. It is also massive, like a small lake. It will be everything I envisioned in my perfect space.

I am not expecting anything at this point. I will let the Universe show me what to do/where to go. I am also going to be patient.

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Let Your Light Shine

Woke this morning in tears. Sleep has been good but with good sleep comes dreams and, in this case, counseling.

Dream: Earth is Hell

The dream began in a large, open space like a school cafeteria. There were tables where stations had been set up. I knew I was a teacher and attending a gathering of other teachers.

I remember working with a student. He was about 10 years old, African American and very troubled. All the students I worked with were troubled. There were other students in the group with him and I was giving them various tasks, most simple cleaning tasks. When I gave this boy a task he outright refused and walked away. I followed him and saw his anger at knowing I was not going to give up on him. I remember knowing I needed to approach him carefully, that any pressure would cause him to get confrontational. I knew he was capable of physically injuring me and would if provoked. So, I opted to be gentle and patient with him despite wanting to shake him vigorously in my impatience. He listened but I remember knowing he didn’t hear my words, so I focused on sending him love and acceptance. I somehow knew through the whole interaction that I was practicing and that I was meant to practice in this space. I also knew my human self would not be so patient. But the more I practiced, the more likely my human self would Remember.

Afterward, I went to a “station”. They were handing out slips of paper and other teachers were taking them. I remember seeing students across the room. I felt very tired. A coworker took a slip of paper, volunteering for some project. I remember not wanting to participate in any of them. She sat with for a bit, giving me a choice of 4 questions to answer. I selected the question about my “condition”. I told her I was disinterested in life and very sad. I remember worrying about telling her this. I thought, “I’m depressed. If they know I’m depressed they may fire me.”

The woman listened attentively and offered support saying, “We will help you.” She then pointed to a man across the room mentioning he had just separated and was available. I assumed she meant he was single and she was looking for a relationship. I suggested she talk to him and she smiled and gave an excuse. Looking back on this, I am not sure that was what she meant.

Then I was walking through the same space to a section that was set up as a gym, only the machines were none I recognized. I tried using a few but didn’t know how to operate them. I just ended up feeling foolish as I got tangled up in them. Some I recognized must be massage chairs, others I couldn’t figure out at all.

At one point I walked past some men sitting in a group using machines. I sat in the machine hoping to use it but had no idea how. One man asked me about something I was carrying on my back. I hadn’t noticed it. He told me, “That is something a coroner (preoccupied with death) uses” and pointed to a room I could see through a large viewing window. I thought, “Janitor’s closet” but he said “coroner”. He suggested I put it back and I began to look around but had no idea where to go. He said, “Here, let me take it for you.” He lifted the contraption off my shoulders, smiling. I thanked him and looked more closely at the thing he took off me. It looked like it had stirrups with cuffs and long chains. I wondered how it was used. Just like all the other things in this “gym” none made any sense to me.

I walked to a more isolated section and saw my husband sitting on the floor. I mentioned to him that they had saunas (he was looking to use one yesterday) and he just smiled and pulled me toward him. This is when I saw a tiny pair of grey toddler shoes. I said to him, “Look! These look just like the ones Elek use to wear.” I had a moment of nostalgia and then pulled away. I remember feeling his needy energy and not wanting to stay in it.

I ran into my mom and we walked around together looking at stuff in the gym. We approached a podium and there was a woman there who seemed like a host. On the podium was a small box that had something inside. When I opened it, I saw it was full of tobacco. I put it all back in and thought I should give it to my Mom’s husband who smokes.

There was another group of people sitting together in yet another machine. It had rounded edges with comfortable seats like inside a hot tub. In each seat was a person with a pencil. I recognized the game and said, “Look, their playing your game – Words with Friends! You should join them.” My mom joined them happily.

Nearby, a man was standing with a group of people. They were discussing purgatory. Someone asked me if I believed in hell. I said, “Earth is hell. I should know, I’ve talked to the dead all my life.” When I said this I felt a familiar feeling inside. It is like a part of me lights up. At the same time I feel like everyone around me is receptive to what I have to offer. All attention is on me. I realized then that I was speaking my Truth. I Remembered where I come from and the stark contrast between that place and the one I was now living (not in the dream) was upsetting. I became overwhelmed at all the darkness and despair. I could feel it seeping into my Being. It was so dark.

At this moment I felt someone put their hands on mine. When I looked up, a whole group of people were gathered close around me. They were sending me unconditional love and acceptance. They recognized and truly saw me.

The last thing I saw was the woman who had put her hands on mine. The way I experienced it, I must have been on my knees because they were all standing over me so closely they formed a dome over my head. The woman was familiar.

Let Your Light Shine

I woke up in tears and lay in bed sobbing for some time.

I knew the woman whose face I had just seen in my dream. I don’t know why I didn’t recognize her in the dream. It was so obvious who she was. It was the woman whose job I now have. The woman who had died of cancer, who I had watched slowly deteriorate and lose connection with this reality. She always loved me and believed in me. She was so gracious, calm and patient in life yet she was very much like me. We got along wonderfully and she would confide in me things she would not normally tell people. She always told people how much she loved me, though she never told me this. It seemed pre-destined how our meeting and departure happened.

But it was not grief that woke me. It was Knowing that I had fallen into the darkness and was being lifted out. As I woke the group from the dream communicated with me, telling me that I was never alone and to return to that feeling of love and acceptance anytime I felt overwhelmed by this place. They reminded me that my normal state of Being was one of openness, acceptance and love.

The tears came freely when I was told this because I Knew it was correct. And in that moment I could feel so much! All the energy and emotions of the Earth, the Collective on Earth. I didn’t know what to do with it all. How does one manage? It is too much! I can’t help everyone, but that is all I want to do. I want it all to go away, to stop, to make it all better.

I instantly recognized that I had been protecting myself from the overwhelming state of this place by shutting down but it was not working anymore. My purpose is to feel deeply all of it. They assured me that if I took refuge in Them, that I could and would succeed.

Eventually the tears stopped but I couldn’t sleep. My guidance continued to talk to me. Instances in my life flashed in my memory. They told me, “Let your Light shine”. With it came a memory from when I first started teaching. The schizophrenic student I had. I’d been called to a special meeting to discuss him. I was told by another teacher there, “You are the only one of his teachers we could invite.” When I asked why, they told me that his illness manifests as him seeing everyone as evil and dark. He would not listen to anyone who he perceived to be this way. His mother told them that he described me as an angel, one of the only ones that wasn’t dark/evil. My memory of that time is a picture. In the picture I see a Light Being whenever I think of his description of me. I am also overcome with such grief at the memory because, in the meeting, they said to the student, “Look Chris. Your teacher is here.” He looked at me without any expression, but he did look. After that meeting I broke down in tears in my car.

That student never returned to school. He was institutionalized.

I was also reminded of a question I had asked before sleep.

My husband and I had a disagreement before bed. So, I went to bed wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I feel the way I did and react the way I did all the time? Surely I must be a control freak?

Then I was reminded of something I had realized in March. It wasn’t that I was a control freak. It was that I wanted to help. All of it came from that place within me that wishes only to be of service. Yet it feels like no one, not even my husband, wants my help.

March 29: Practicing my Design

Loud noises in my house me woke me up. I heard the distinctive sounds of weights hitting the floor and knew my husband was working out. When I got out of bed and saw my husband he was doing squats. I immediately saw he had incorrect form and was trying to lift too much weight but I didn’t say anything. In the past, when I’ve attempted to help him by showing him correct form, he has gotten very irritated with me. I knew that saying something to him would likely create the same response from him and so kept silent. It was at this point that I my strategy came to mind. I need to “wait for an invitation” before giving advice or helping, but I knew he would never ask. I thought to myself, “But he might hurt himself using that much weight and incorrect form.” 

I went downstairs, walking right past him and fighting the urge to offer assistance without an invitation which is what I normally do. I remembered reading that if an invitation is not given and the Projector feels they just absolutely need to inform that the Projector can ask the person if it is okay for them to help. 

When I came back upstairs my husband was finished with his workout. When he walked by me I asked him if he would be okay if I offered him some advice on his form. He immediately began to talk about how he thought I might comment on this or that and I let him because he was right, in the past I had just offered up my critique without him asking for or wanting it. This had led to him holding some resentment and he needed to express it. When he was finished I said, “Will you accept my help or not?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I asked, “Do you really mean it?” And he agreed that he did.

When I showed him what I saw and provided him with the information I felt he needed so that he would not injure himself he began to laugh. The main thing I was showing him was that he was not pushing his hips/butt back as if sitting down which is the main motion of a squat. He was laughing because when he was younger his brother and father would laugh when he pushed his butt out because he has very well defined glute muscles. He said that ever since then he has been overly aware of his butt when he squats. I said, “You want to push your butt out. You have a beautiful butt!” lol Based upon his reaction my help was well received.

I was left feeling very proud of myself for handling the situation like I did. However, I felt somewhat sad at the same time. I am a CPT and have all this knowledge yet so few request my knowledge and I find myself offering it up without invitation all the time. This has led to so many negative responses. The most common is that people react as if I am a know-it-all and they are put off completely by this. They think I am judging them or trying to make them wrong somehow. This has been my life theme and it is utterly frustrating. I have taken numerous losses. I have several family members who desire to lose weight and get healthy yet none of them ever really persists when it comes to working out, eating healthy, etc. My SIL even invited me to work out with her and it went well but then she never extended another invitation. Instead, she hired her own trainer and attempted to lose weight that way without much success. I took her actions as an indication that something about me was off-putting to her. Maybe I gave her too much instruction before she wanted it? IDK but it has been the same with other family members and even one woman who seemed to want a running partner yet stood me up when the time came. So, my overall feeling is that it does me no good to try out a career as a personal trainer because, as a Projector, starting my own business like that will automatically fail without people extending an invitation for me to do it. Without the invitation I am dead in the water. 

The other day it occurred to me that one of my reactions to people rejecting me so frequently is that I offer up my advice anyway and just accept that they will respond poorly. I have even become confrontational at times, especially with family or people I know on a more personal basis. I figure if they aren’t open to hearing me that at least I will have said what they need to hear and at some level the information will be received. I would rather them receive it than not at all and have accepted that people will come to resent and even hate me. I think “Fuck it. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.” 

But lately there is a part of me asking, “How has this worked out for you?” And what I’ve found is that, yes, I get to say what the other person needs to hear, but in the end it has alienated me from people and left me even more isolated. At the very least it has created upset among family members and left this ridge of energy that never truly goes away. And as a result of this constant feeling of rejection, I have become less and less likely to accept invitations when they come. Invitations to gatherings especially. Honestly, I dislike most gatherings anyway so not going is usually my response. So, I avoid birthday party invitations from extended family members, trips or event invites from family members, even invitations for lunch or other very relaxed, one-on-one invitations with my husband or family. I’ve just lost interest in pretty much any social-type situation and most people have figured out I’m not interested, taking it personally. I usually hear from my husband when someone says something. I’ve heard that they think I don’t like them, which isn’t wrong but isn’t completely accurate. I don’t like sitting through the pretense, listening to random life stuff and discussing things that are of no interest to me. 

For me, I guess, my method of forcing my Knowing onto people is how my bitterness manifests itself. However, there is another, more successful method I have used. I become certified in some way and then put myself into a position/job where others come to me for information/advice. So the invitations are assumed or are part of my job description. I have been a teacher, counselor, healer, medium, and psychic. In all of these careers I have had wins. I have also had losses, but mostly wins in that I am able to share what I Know and it is well received. In the past, the areas where I feel my inner Being lighting up have been when teaching, giving readings and singing. 

In my HD profile the only channel I have is the 1-8: the channel of inspiration. This one is “to contribute or not”. And, not surprisingly, it involves groups. What is funny is that as a Projector, groups are not my thing, yet with this channel I am called to groups to share my Knowing. 1-8 channel: the 1 is about creating and the 8 is about groups. 

Our Shadow is Our Contribution

In HD the open centers in a chart represent the not-self which is also know as the shadow self. Since my guidance told me that my shadow self is being triggered in certain situations now, the term has stuck in my mind. 

Today, while researching more on HD and considering having an actual session with a HD professional, I came across how the open centers, also known as the shadow self, represent our contribution to the world. This was a shock to me. Really? All those parts of me that represent my not-self are how I contribute or make a mark on this world? Maybe I am getting it all wrong, though. Perhaps it is not the not-self so much as our learning about the not-self and choosing to be more flowing and free? So, technically, the shadow self is how we contribute most because through non-resistance and acceptance of these aspects of ourselves we can be a better version? The open centers are most definitely what we came into the world to learn. The open/Shadow Self is the curriculum we come into this life to learn. And being all but two of my centers are open/undefined, well I have quite the curriculum from which to help others! That means I can influence others through all of those areas. Compared to someone with only one undefined center, I am a rock star. 

Considerations

After this morning’s dream and realizations, I went downstairs. My husband immediately apologized and from there we talked. I told him my dream and some of the syncs that came up. One sync was that when I woke up I remember Knowing that I needed to just let other people be. Acceptance is key. This meme came up in my FB feed:

As a 6th line, my tendency is toward optimism, yet in life I am anything but. I recognized that when OOB or in the dreamstate I tend to be the best version of myself: Optimistic, happy, hopeful. I see in others their best attributes. I do not easily tend toward the negative. But the instant I come back into this body I feel heavy and sad. I see the world as hopeless and lost. I feel unable to do anything about it and have accepted nothing can be done. This is what I’ve learned while on the roof. I see it everywhere. This world feels like a lost cause to me.

What this morning’s dream experience showed me is that I have been trying to do it all on my own. The question posed to me many times about my methods is this: How is that working for you? Not well, not well at all.

The problem is more than just me trying to force what I Know on others. That is just a surface problem. The real source is the overwhelm. When I feel this place, I feel it all, and it is just too much. I felt it in the dream and it was too much. I’ve felt it in the past and I am left feeling small and powerless to change it. It – all the pain, sadness, grief, loss in this world – is just too BIG. Yet I am being advised to feel it. The way to manage it, They say, is to Remember. Remember the total love and acceptance of Home, of those who love me, of the Light.

Easier said than done. In the dreamstate this is so obvious. In this body and on this plane it is hard to find.

What I was left with was a visual and feeling of how I can be, and will be according to Them. Going with the flow and accepting. Somehow I will be the Light I am meant to be. I have to trust that it will be.

by

Is it Me? Or You?

The weekend before last I came down with a cold. I hadn’t been sick in over a year, so it was bound to happen. It started with a sore throat that lasted two days and then came the congestion, stopped up nose, and fatigue. My daughter was sick alongside me and my husband had had it a week before.

All of this coincided with the full moon and also I read that something was going on with Chiron (can’t remember exactly what). As a result of my cold and the energies I was not my best. I entered into a very negative place and I can get pretty negative, so it wasn’t fun for me or those I am closest to.

My thoughts centered around everything that was “wrong” with my life. I also had tons of self-doubt come to the surface along with memories of the past, specifically my heart connection and the devastation it caused as well as events that took place after. Many mornings I woke up wishing I would die and most nights I struggled to sleep.

Just this morning the energy has noticeably shifted. I feel much clearer and less negative. I also got a good, solid night’s sleep and my cold has finally run its full course.

Questions and Doubts

The main question that was plaguing me was, “Who am I?” I saw a pattern. In the past my guidance often seemed to lead me the “wrong way”. I felt betrayed. But then I also know that my guidance is just me, so anytime I was “mislead” it either was because of Ego interference or because I needed to learn a lesson (or both). So saying I can’t trust my guidance is the same as saying I can’t trust myself.

In attempting to answer the question “Who am I?” I began to look back at my life and those things I liked, preferences and such. I realized that most if not everything was borrowed from someone else. I would “try on” things that people I liked or loved enjoyed. In the end I would keep some but toss most. For example, my best friend in high schooled love acting and persuaded me to try it. I hated it but was good at it. The stage fright was the worst! After we parted ways I dropped acting and never did it again. I added to the list of “don’t likes”. Sadly, my “don’t like” list is much longer than my “like” list. Yet I keep borrowing things, over and over. I temporarily convince myself that I like something only to discover I never did and it was all wrong for me.

After a conversation with my husband about this, he said, “Doesn’t everyone do that?” I said, “No. Some people just know.” But really, do they?

I thought maybe it was related to my almost completely open/undefined HD. My husband is similar, so he probably borrowed lots from others, too. I wonder what it is like for those who are mostly defined? Do they just know? Does that mean they know themselves better than I do? The answer feels like it would be yes.

As a result of all my questioning, I keep being led back to my Human Design: Self-Projected Projector.

April 3rd

Here is what I wrote in my journal on April 3:

Yesterday, I watched an NDE account that really spoke to me. Well, my guidance/Team spoke to me but so did the woman in the video. 

What was so real to me about this account was her specific experiences with her “teacher”. Not only did he appear like I’ve seen my teachers/guides, but her descriptions, reactions, feelings – everything – resonated deeply with me. What was especially noteworthy was her return and integration. Though she didn’t call what she experienced a “walk-in” that is what came to my mind. She was still herself, just an upgraded version, one that was deeply in touch with her HS, spirit, and Home. She retained that connection when she returned to her body and was able to live life in both worlds, shifting from one to the other as needed. It took her 8 years but slowly she rearranged her life so that it matched her truth.

When I was listening my guidance would come through. Sometimes I could hear words, other times I just felt deeply a Knowing that the time was upon me to do what this woman had done. I knew that my integration process was nearly complete. I had reintegrated into the walk-out’s life (former self), learning, observing, being that version despite many things feeling not quite right. I had made some significant changes along the way, but not all of them. Attachment had left one major decision hanging. I have fear of letting the people I love down, of being myself rather than who they wanted me to be. This is the exact message the woman in the video leaves the audience with in the end. She says that people are not really afraid of death, they are afraid of life and of living their truth – living authentically. This is because, in living our truth, we disappoint or let down those we love most. We don’t want to hurt them and so set aside what is best for ourselves to make them happy, to keep those we love comfortable. But in doing so we abandon and even lose ourselves along the way.

What she said deeply resonated with me to the point that I was left somewhat in awe. I Remembered and with that I recognized how this experience I have chosen, this life in this body, is a gift, one that I have been wasting because I don’t want to disappoint or upset those I love most.

Afterward, I went on long walk and had communication come through from my Team. It was subtle at first, like a whisper and feelings that bubbled to the surface of my consciousness. Ultimately, I noticed and some of what I was absorbing translated into words. I remember feeling this amazing feeling of being powerful and supported. It felt like the world is my oyster. I looked around me at the sky and world and thought how beautiful this world is and how many possibilities exist for me in it. I recognized that I feared creating what I wanted in this world because I worried it would be wrong, hurt someone or worse. My past experiences left me feeling I had hurt others and not been my best self. One of the things the woman in the video said is that she no longer judges herself. She becomes the observer (something I have been taught how to do) and so is able to move through life quite smoothly. 

The day continued and most of this realization was put aside as I went through the motions of life. As night approached I could not sleep. 

When I woke the next morning I was thinking of some things I had read in some posts in a FB group about my HD type – self-projected Projector (SPP). Not only did the creator of HD indicate that Projectors were not meant to be parents (but we can) but also that long-term relationships were not necessarily good for a Projector. My type specifically can end up feeling trapped and unable to free themselves from a relationship. Other SPP’s have indicated that they have similar patterns to myself when in a committed relationship. Here is an example:

I’ve realized today that in all my romantic relationships, I always feel the need to focus 100% on the connection. I do really love to guide people, with friendships I can keep a distance, but whenever I have a genuine deep connection that can evolve to a romantic relationship, that becomes my main focus in life. All my other goals go out of the window .I’ve thought for a long time I’m anxiously attached or codependent, but after focusing 100% on myself for more than a year and feeling absolutely blessed and being convinced I only need a relationship with myself, I don’t think that’s it.

Even more so, I get to see the relationship as my life’s work, a project that could bring me life lessons. And I stop directing energy to myself. It a OR me OR them situation. I can’t see it as a part of my life, it’s all or nothing.
Could this be a Projector-thing? Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

When I read this post I was thinking, “That is me!” In both my marriages this has been the case. And the comments in the group indicate that I am not alone! There were some who had navigated successful marriages but most indicated they did better alone or in long-distance relationships where they had separate residences. The married ones said they only did well because their partner actively worked on themselves. Another who was married was contemplating divorce but indicated that love was not the issue. 

So, it feels to me like the only way I am going to get any clarity on my life is to get away from the relationship I am in. I need to be apart from him, to return to living for myself so that I can get back in touch with myself.

Projectors Need Their Space

I have since been focusing on how I can create in my life more space for myself. I need a place apart from my family, one where I can be immersed in nature. A space where I am not overly influenced by my husband or children’s wants/needs all the time. I think if I can create a space like this for myself that I can in turn re-discover myself.

I spoke to my husband about my realization and he is supportive and wants to help me create this space. He would stay in our home with the kids and I would be in my space for as long or as little as I need. It could end up permanent and he accepts this as a possibility.

We are just in the brainstorming stage for the time being. The most obvious place to start is my family’s land in the country, the same land where our old house sits and where other family members, including my mom, now reside. There is a total of 47 acres so there is plenty of room! My mom is in the process of creating a spiritual retreat on this land. I have an idea of maybe building a cabin on this retreat land as a contribution to her vision. It would be like a donation to the space, so my husband and I would own “stock” in it. Though I haven’t presented the idea to her just yet, I think she will be open to it. Why wouldn’t she? A free cabin. They (my mom and step-dad) want to build cabins on it anyway. I could live there when I want, get my space and be in nature.

This may or may not pan out and that is okay.

To make it clear, my idea is not to shrug off all my responsibilities. The idea is to get enough space and time alone to get to a place where I can feel into myself and what I want without interference from others. With my tendency to take on others’ wants/desires/goals and put aside my own wants/desires/goals, I feel I need to do this. I don’t know how long it will take.

Is It Me? Or is it You?

The last main consideration I’ve had is in regards to my telepathic ability. In HD, those with a completely open head center, like I have, are capable of telepathy and this is true for me. I’ve experienced it all my life but only recently did I experience true telepathy. True telepathy goes beyond just knowing what another is thinking, it is the ability to communicate in real time with another via thought and emotion. It also includes the ability to share experiences, not just in present time but past and future.

Not long ago I met someone online who I discovered I could telepathically communicate with. It was amazing and I honestly have never met anyone like him. The connection remains and we seem to be able to turn it on or off at will.

The issue I’ve been running into lately is that I have cut ties with this person, yet I still feel the connection. I don’t know if I can dissolve it as it feels to exist beyond just this plane of existence. This person is able to purposefully communicate with me and I receive it. The most recent time (prior to my cutting ties) I didn’t know he was doing this and I thought I was losing my mind until he confessed that he had been purposefully sending communications. Yikes!

Considering my thoughts and feelings lately, I suspect more of this kind of communicating is going on. At first it created all kinds of self-doubt. Maybe I was wrong to cut ties? Maybe I should reconnect? There were feelings coming up, memories, ideas. This would happen out of the blue and then all would go quiet.

This morning I feel more clarity and am convinced that most if not all of my self-doubt stems from this communication, communication that is most definitely deliberate. I have decided to pay more attention to where the thoughts/feelings originate.

I am still in a bit of shock to think that such types of communication are a reality for me. It is easy to forget or assume it is not real. But it is real. Considering I am working on finding myself, getting my own space in order to re-discover myself, the last thing I need is someone trying to influence me from afar! How do you get space from that!?

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Human Design Profile-Type Matches

Although I haven’t been posting much these days about Human Design, my research continues. My focus has been on relationships between the profile types lately. After looking into the profile types of the people closest to me, I had questions:

Are there certain profile types that I get along better with? Why?

Which profile types are best suited as romantic partners for my type?

I had a good idea which profile types I got along with based upon what I’d experienced. My hypothesis was that I get along best with any person whose profile contains a 2nd line or a 6th line – or both. Why? Well, at least half of my family are 2nd lines and so I have a lifetime of personal experience with other 2nd lines.

Examples: My mother is a Manifesting Generator, 2/4, Hermit-Opportunist. Of me and my two sisters, my mom and I have always had a special connection. We just “click”. My older sister, a 1/4 Generator, and my younger sister, a 1/3 Generator, have always had a slight disconnect with her compared to me. Similarly, my relationships with my sisters has always been strained. My older sister tried to get me to be more social and was/is highly judgmental of me. My younger sister hasn’t spoken to me in 12 years (her choice, not mine) and cut ties with all family almost completely.

My other hypothesis is that I get along least with those whose profiles contain a 1. Again, this is based upon my personal experiences and the information I have gathered thus far.

Examples: As I mentioned above, both my sisters are conscious 1st lines. You can never tell a 1st line how things are. They won’t take your word for it and my experiences, as a Projector, were not good when I tried to give them “advice” without them inviting me. BTW, they RARELY invited me. No surprise there because they already know everything (sarcasm). Similarly, I recently met another 1st line, this one subconscious, and the amount of research and digging this person did all.the.time was a bit too much. As a 6/2, I don’t need to research, I have a strong inner Knowing and rarely do much, if any, research into things. I learn through my intuition and experiences. And, well, Hermits, we just Know. The last thing I want to do is discuss all the details and info the 1st line dug up. It just hurts, like physically, to endure that kind of torture. lol And too often, what ends up happening with me and any 1st line, conscious or unconscious, is an inability to really connect. I usually just back off and give them the time and space they need to figure things out for themselves but I am not likely to hang around to hear their great epiphanies in the end because I am thinking, “duh”. LOL Since my daughter is a 1/3 I get LOTS of practice dealing with such things. Thankfully, she has always recognized me as someone who Knows and uses me as a part of her extensive library of information. Smart girl!

Turns out, my findings indicate that my Knowing about the profiles I get along with is spot-on (no surprise). Here is a list of all the profiles and their best matches, romantically and otherwise (I bolded my profile type):

1/3: Ideal match is with 1/3 and 4/6. Also compatible with 3/5, 3/6, 5/1, and 6/3.

1/4: Ideal match is with 1/4. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/1, and 4/6.

2/4: Ideal match is with 2/4 and 5/1. Also compatible with 2/5, 4/6, 5/2, and 6/2.

2/5: Ideal match is with 2/5. Also compatible with 5/2, 2/4, and 5/1.

3/5: Ideal match is with 3/5 and 6/2. Also compatible with 3/6, 5/1, 5/2, and 6/3.

3/6: Ideal match is with 3/6 and 6/3. Also compatible with 1/3 and 3/5.

4/6: Ideal match is with 4/6 and 1/3. Also compatible with 1/4, 2/4, 4/1, and 6/2.

4/1: Ideal match is with 4/1 and 1/4. Also compatible with 4/6.

5/1: Ideal match is with 5/1 and 2/4. Also compatible with 1/3, 2/5, and 3/5.

5/2: Ideal match is with 5/2 and 2/5. Also compatible with 2/4 and 3/5.

6/2: Ideal match is with 6/2 and 3/5. Also compatible with 2/4, 4/6, and 6/3.

6/3: Ideal match is with 6/3 and 3/6. Also compatible with 1/3, and 3/5, and 6/2.

My Connections

Prior to finding this information, I had a long list of the people in my lives and their profile and energy types. Here is the list. Make sure to compare it to my compatible profiles so you get an idea of who I got or get along with in my life.

Mom – Emotional MG, 2/4
Dad – MG, 1/3**
Step-Dad – MG, 5/1
Sister – G, 1/4
Sister – G, 1/3
Brother – Emotional G, 2/4
Daughter – Emotional MG, 1/3
Son – G, 2/4
Son – Emotional G, 2/4
Husband – MG, 5/3*
Ex-Husband – MG, 6/2*
BIL – Emotional Manifestor, 4/6**
SIL – Emotional Projector, 3/5**
Nephew – Emotional G, 4/6**
Nephew – Emotional G, 2/4**
Niece – Emotional G, 1/3**
Nephew – G, 1/3**
SIL – Emotional MG, 4/1**
SIL – Emotional Manifestor, 6/3**
BIL – G, 2/4**
Nephew – Emotional Projector, 1/3**
Niece – G, 5/1**
Cousin – G, 2/4
Cousin – Emotional MG, 6/2**
Friend – Splenic Projector, 6/3
Friend’s husband – MG, 1/3
Child 1 – Projector, 1/3
Child 2 – G, 2/4
Friend – Emotional Projector, 2/4
Friend/connection – Emotional MG, 5/1
Friend/connection #2 – G, 3/5
Ex-Boyfriend – G, 5/1**
Coworker/Friend – Projector, 3/5**

MG = Manifesting Generator
G = Generator
* = Recent discovery, did not know profile type until just two weeks ago
** = Later discovery

In my adulthood, my best friends, and friends in general, tend to be other Projectors. I assume in my early years that my best friend was a generating type but I can’t be sure. My best guess is she was a 3/5. She most definitely was not a hermit! She might have been a 4/6, but I’ve never met one (that I know of) in order to compare their energy. Edit: I did a chart using the data I have for her and she is either a 3/5 Projector or a 3/5 Generator. Based upon my track record with friends and how she was in school and is currently, I’m betting on Projector. But I was right about the 3/5!!

It is also typical for me to attract MG’s in the romantic sense, which I hear is common for Projectors. The energy dynamics between a Projector and MG is quite intense. Imagine the MG energy, which is the highest generative energy out there and them meeting a Projector who takes that already intense energy and amplifies it. You get a crazy intense amount of energy! Sadly, in my experience, that intensity typically dies out over time, as was/is proved by my two marriages to MG’s. Why? Because Projectors are not meant to be generators and we end up burning out and eventually want to get away from the MG’s over abundance of energy. We just can’t tolerate it long-term. We aren’t built for that.

The significant other MG’s in my life never understood my need for rest and solitude and would continue to pursue me beyond my capable limits. My ex-husband thought I didn’t love him and was constantly pressuring me to give more than I had to give. However, as a fellow 6/2, he understood the need for solitude, maybe even more than I did. He was happiest in nature, far away from people, and ended up isolating me way more than I could handle. He was very easy-going, generally optimistic, and a lover of life. My current husband, though well-meaning, comes across as overly needy of my attention. Of course, we have three generating-types as children, so everyone I am around daily feels to be taking my energy. I have little, if anything, left for my husband by day’s end. I often feel trapped in my own house because I can’t get far enough away to recover from all the energy my aura is processing all.the.time.

As a Projector, it is said by the creator of HD, that we become “super slaves” to the other types in our lives, especially generating types. It is our nature to need the other types in order to generate or manifest. We just can’t do it without them. So, we end up trapped in a cycle, give and take, revved up and then sucked dry to the point of exhaustion. Not only are we somewhat addicted to energy we receive from generators, but they are, too, and as generators, whose authority says wait to respond, when they get that opportunity to respond to our energy, well, they do. And do, and do, and….LOL

A surprise to me about my profile matches is that I get along well with someone who has a 3rd line. It soon became apparent, though, why that is. All 6th lines go through three phases of experiencing. The first phase, up until around the first Saturn Return, they experience life as a 3rd line, only without the tough outer skin other, real 3rd lines have. We experiment like 3rd lines, have stuff happen to us that is not very pleasant, and end up beaten and bruised emotionally in the end. 3rd lines learn through experimentation. If at first they don’t succeed, well, they do it again a different way! We 6th lines gain valuable experience from our early years, though. Because of this common experience, we get along with 3rd lines. We can relate well to them, and they to us.

Like the above list indicates, my favorite matches have been those with profiles on my list. Based upon love interest, I will have to say my favorite is the 3/5 profile type. Though I enjoyed the fun-loving ways of my 6/2 ex-husband, I have to say that other 6/2’s just don’t attract me like the 3/5. I think it is the mysterious and magnetic 5 that draws me in. They are quite alluring and well, that mysterious component, it keeps me guessing. I love a good mystery and am happiest with someone who can keep me on my toes. My 6/2 ex struggled to do that for me. I think we were just too similar and both needed the other to keep things interesting, but we couldn’t. We were also in that first phase of the 6th line, so technically the relationship was doomed before it started. My current husband is very, very good at keeping things….interesting, even though sometimes in a very negative way.

I believe the 5th line will always draw me in. I find them fascinating and beautiful. There is an attraction I can’t explain. In my experience, my tendency is to fully submit to them, give my all, and the crazy part is I have no clue why! The founder of HD says that the 2nd line to be “called out” in a specific way. The Other who is calling out the 2nd line has to find that weak spot, a vulnerability that even the 2nd line doesn’t know exists. It is that spot, that when touched upon, lights up the 2 and causes them to venture out of their happy, safe place. Otherwise, we just stay in our happy place and ignore the call. And for me, it has been true with all the 5th lines I have been with. They are magical.

Then there is the 1st line as I mentioned previously. I can get along with them, but the relationship is often strained. I grew up with two and have a daughter who is one, so I know! But then, consider the 5/1 and how confusing they appear to me. First, they are magical, mysterious and alluring (5th line) but at the same time frustrate me with their constant, analytical and investigative aspect. Ha! It could be a love-hate relationship, that’s for sure! So far, though, I can’t say I’ve been lucky (or cursed) enough to have had a romantic relationship with one. Maybe? If only I knew all the profile types of my past relationships! Edit: Since writing this post I determined an ex-boyfriend was a 5/1 Generator. I broke it off with him because he confessed to cheating on me. I never figured out why but he later tracked me down to try and re-connect. I was married so he made sure to put me down for becoming “one of them” (married people with kids).

Charts to Compare

Below are the charts of my ex-husband, current husband and me. The similarities are striking! Not only do they have mostly open centers, but many of the same channels! When combined with my chart, there would be similar dynamics at play.

Ex-Husband – Aries, born 4/4/1975

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 6 / 2
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Endeavor (21/48 | 54/53)

Current husband – Gemini, born 5/23/76

TYPE: Manifesting Generator
STRATEGY: To Respond
NOT-SELF THEME: Frustration
INNER AUTHORITY: Sacral
PROFILE: 3 / 5
DEFINITION: Single Definition
INCARNATION CROSS: Right Angle Cross of The Sleeping Phoenix (20/34 | 55/59)

My chart – Leo, 8/4/76

  • TYPE: Projector
  • STRATEGY: Wait for the Invitation
  • NOT-SELF THEME: Bitterness
  • INNER AUTHORITY: Self Projected
  • PROFILE: 6 / 2
  • DEFINITION: Single Definition
  • INCARNATION CROSS: Left Angle Cross of Refinement (33/19 | 2/1)

When I saw how similar my husband and ex-husband’s charts are, I knew it was not coincidence. It always felt to me like I was continuing a lesson unfinished when I married my current husband. Similar issues arose in our marriage that had existed in my previous one. Both have only one more defined center than I do. Both share at least one defined center with me. My ex shares a defined throat, and my current husband shares a defined throat and G-center. So, technically, the only conditioning I would have with them would come from the defined centers they have.

There is something about the energy of someone who has mostly undefined centers that I think attracts me. They are more fluid and changeable than someone with mostly defined centers. I struggle more with someone who is extremely fixed in their ways (mostly defined). It isn’t that I don’t get along with them, but that I find their set ways difficult to navigate. I end up being the one to give in and change because I am so changeable. My mom is this way. She only has two open centers. I use to get so frustrated with her because she so stuck/set in her ways. A creature of habit, that is for sure! It is so hard to get her to do something new and outside of her normal routine. Similarly, another person I know (online) is the same. She is unable to see past her fixed tendencies and change. You can get out your crowbar but she still won’t budge.

I just prefer mutable people, I guess. Nothing against the fixed, so please don’t take offense. I have my fixations, too, (my not-self) so I get you.

by

Dream Meeting: Maxim

My sleep continues to be less than ideal. I wake frequently and only get about 6 good hours a night. My days are busy and I find that, although I have content to blog about, I don’t have the time I would like to focus on writing. I usually jot down something in my private journal and leave it there, hoping to have time later to write about it. But I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t write it right then, I probably never will.

This month of March has not turned out to be as interesting as I’d hoped. With all the signs and syncs leading up to now, I’d thought for sure some kind of meeting or encounter would’ve happened. My guess is I interpreted it all wrong because nothing – nada – has happened. I still don’t get why the Universe would send me those tarot cards but I guess the cards were relaying info about the past or present and NOT the future. That’s okay. I’m use to the same-ol-same, day in and out. I’m good at keeping busy. I’ve got a good life. I’m just a tad bit…..bored.

Ah, the story of my life! My guides are probably going, “Oh no! Dayna’s bored again!” My poor guides. lol If anything they threw those signs and syncs my way to keep me guessing and wondering. There’s nothing better at keeping someone occupied than a good mystery to solve….or wait for in my case. That carrot on the stick scenario gets me every time. Why do I keep falling for it? Oh yeah, I’m bored.

I will give you another cool story which, BTW, also ties into my dream this morning.

A little more than a week ago (March 17) my husband lost his AirPod Pros again. Yes, again. Ugh! I was furious with him and on his case a little more than I like to admit. I can get kinda fixated on stuff especially when I’m….bored. lol Anyway, I decided one night to just let it go again because my main upset was that it seemed like he didn’t care. So I figured, why should I?

That night I had a dream. Pay attention here. In the dream I was given a small, brown box. When I opened it, inside were the missing AirPods. Not long after I saw a small balloon that said, “Happy Birthday”. In amongst this was a short dream where I was receiving lots of emails to the point that it was too much and I felt overwhelmed. When I woke I decided to tell my husband that I had accepted that the AirPods were gone.

The dream came to pass the next day. I was overwhelmed most of the morning. My schedule was off because of an a/c maintenance man visiting. I also was getting emails like crazy – asking for readings and dream interpretations. Somehow, though, I managed despite being in a sour mood. Later in the day, as I was preparing dinner, I went to the garage to toss something in the trash. I turned and saw the minivan and thought, “I need to check for the AirPods.” So, I opened the side door and immediately noticed a tiny, white object in between the seats. I had found them! 

Not long after I went for a walk with Monty. On the walk I spotted a tiny balloon that said, “Happy Birthday.” I knew it was from the dream. Even after that when my husband was watching The Simpson’s I noticed that they kids in the episode were tossing water balloons at the bully. They said, “Happy Birthday.” 

So the syncs continue and good things keep happening, I’m just being a grump because life’s not…..exciting enough? Well, just not the kind of excitement I like. I can hear my guides saying, “Persnickety.” Guess so.

What kind of excitement do I like? The spiritual kind, of course! If it’s spiritual, bring it on! Thankfully, I got a pretty cool dream so I’ll be good for another day or so.

Dream Meeting with Maxim

I entered into an auditorium where many people were gathering. At the booth where we were to register, a man was instructing everyone on what to do. I remember that he sent the group down the hall for an orientation or something similar. When I arrived and was asked to follow the group I chose not to. It didn’t feel like something I wanted to do or that I needed for that matter. Instead, I walked to the back of the auditorium, considering my options. I was undecided – do I do my own thing and hope no one notices or do I go along with the group and suffer that misery (I hate groups)?

Eventually, I noticed that everyone walking around had on a name tag (recognition) but I didn’t. For some reason it felt like I needed one and I knew the only way to get one was to go where the group (need others to be known) went. So, I decided to go find the group and hopefully get my name tag (recognition).

As I walked in the direction of the group I ran into other groups. Many were of children who had with them teachers. I noticed a hallway and looked down it, hoping to get an idea of which room my group had gone in. The hallway was long and had many doors, all of them closed (feeling shut out). The hallway was littered with trash but the walls and floors were very white and otherwise clean. It just looked like the kids had been messy with art paper and no one had cleaned it up yet. Realizing it was too late to rejoin my group, I turned back and headed back to the corner where I had been observing everyone.

I discovered the section where I had lingered before was a separate room with a large viewing window (my cave, safe space, hermitage). It reminded me of those rooms in churches where the nursing mothers or mom’s with screaming babies would go to still participate in church services without creating a distraction. I was able to see the auditorium and all the people clearly but remain separate from the group – just like I like it.

In my little space was a man. He was sitting at a desk writing on a piece of paper. I somehow knew he was there to help me.  He had been looking through my emails in order to get the answers to questions on a paper he was filling out. When I arrived he smiled and said, “Happy birthday (from my other dream).” Then he began to read to me what he had written. It was a description of my character in this lifetime. I can’t recall what he said but I remember key pieces. He described me as selective of who I chose to spend time with but the way he articulated it made me sound like someone with much wisdom and experience. He said I paved my own path and cared little for what others thought of me. 

The way he described me took all those things which I find faulty within myself, things others have criticized, and presented them as my special gift to humanity. It was like I was hearing about an important leader in history, one that made significant contributions to humanity and so was honored, recognized and remembered for it.

My initial response was, “You see me!” I felt his recognition and was relieved to be acknowledged. Then I said, “You got all that from reading my emails?” He laughed and said, “Yes.” I said, “Wow.” I paused, considered what I had heard and said, “I really like myself.” He said, “I do, too.” 

By this time I was standing face to face with him. He was short and stalky. His face had smile lines that indicated he was a kind, generous individual with a gentle, loving demeanor. He was completely bald and had a scholarly quality to him. I knew he was a professor at the university I attended. He introduced himself to me. He said his name was “Maxim”. There was a last name but I can’t remember it and I only remember his name because I repeated it.

I asked him, “Why are you helping me?” He said, “Because you helped me.” I thought on this and couldn’t recall ever helping him. I said, “I don’t remember helping you.” He indicated that I had and that he was indebted to me, thus his appearance in my life now. I figured I must have helped him in some other life.

Still in awe of how well he had described my character in this lifetime, I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to be like him, to be able to “read” a person as well as he had me and help them see themselves as a gift to the world. He indicated that he heard me, so I must have spoken this aloud. He turned and looked toward the room we were in and asked, “How can you help?” It seemed like he was asking how I could help from within the confines of the space I was in. I thought for a moment and then said excitedly, “You can bring them to me. I have a Master’s in Counseling. Maybe I could counsel people?” He said matter-of-factly, “You mean you have two Master’s degrees.” I said, “No…but I have two degrees in the same field – education.” He looked at me in such a way that I second guessed my response. I wondered, “Does he mean Master’s degree like I think? Or does he mean some other kind of Master?”

Maxim smiled and motioned to what was happening outside my window. I looked and saw a group of people gathered in celebration of certain honored individuals. He told me that I was one of the honorary ones and had been “chosen”. Then he said, “If you look, you will see yourself.” It felt like he wanted me to look at an old photograph but was motioning to the scene outside the viewing window of the room where a group of people were on stage. I looked and in front of me were old photographs of what appeared to be a group of scholarly individuals wearing robes all standing together. It reminded me of an old photograph from a yearbook. As I scanned the faces I spotted a woman who I knew was me, though she appeared differently than I do in this life.

Maxim returned to the subject of my situation, specifically my being in the room observing the group but not wanting to be a part of it. He stated, “You stop, you see, you leave.” I’m not sure these were his exact words but I saw a visual in my mind of his words. I would meet someone, stop if I felt called to, interact with and/or observe them a while, and then leave. It was not a judgment of my actions, quite to the contrary, it was a recognition of my specific gifts. After hearing this and seeing the meaning behind it, it felt like he was specifically commenting on my relationships with others in this lifetime. I wondered, “Does that mean it is time to leave?” 


Message: Build What You Want

It was at this point I woke up but Maxim remained close and continued to communicate with me. He said, “Build what you want [in life]”. Along with this I felt nudged to really feel into what it was I wanted to experience in this life. My immediate response was to go to that feeling of Divine Oneness and the call that I recently had but refused. He asked me why I did not answer the call and I said, “I’m afraid of what will happen to my life.” I like my room with a view. I like the life I have created thus far. Though Maxim wasn’t pushing me to go outside my “room” I felt nudged and knew, at some point, I would venture out again, but only if the invitation was good enough. It would have to be better than what I already have, something irresistible, that’s for sure. 

Eventually, I ended up falling back to sleep and dreaming another dream. I won’t go into that dream but when I woke my thoughts were on my HD profile and being a 6/2 self-projected Projector. A recent video I had watched by Ra Ura Hu, the creator of Human Design, on Projectors came to mind. 

He said Projectors are “on the ascendency”. He also mentioned how Projectors study to become masters at what they do. I wondered about this and my dream came to mind. Does this “study” mean actual school? If so, then I studied teaching and counseling – helping others, especially children. But what of my other “studies”, those of the spiritual kind? I have had so much hands-on training in that area – almost 20 years. In considering all the things I’ve studied in this life, the one that brings the most joy is the spiritual. I wondered which studies I will use when I “come down from the roof” to be the Role Model I am here to be? Perhaps that is what Maxim was referring to when he said I had two Master’s degrees – one a very physical one and the other spiritual. I wondered aloud to my guidance, “What do I do?” I knew, though, that I am not meant to know. I am meant to answer a call and then and only then will I Know what it is I am to do.

Then I was reminded of a recent dream where I was in a closet and a Bulgarian man was trying to get me to leave and explore outside. When I looked up the name Maxim I discovered it is Bulgarian. Could Maxim have been the man in that dream who was bugging me to leave my closet? Probably. If you haven’t read that dream, you should. It is pretty awesome!