Tag Archives: lessons

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Lesson: Handling the Gossip Cycle

Today I was reminded of a visit not long ago by my MIL’s sister and husband. They traveled from Connecticut and hung out at our home for quite a while. They brought with them maple syrup they harvested and made themselves. They also often makes jams and jellies and give them to us, though they didn’t bring any this time.

While they visited I noticed an energy coming from my MILs sister. She seemed extremely judgmental and critical toward me. She made several comments asking why I was doing something or implying that I was wrong to do something. One of the things she was really judgmental about was that I did not immediately open her maple syrup but put it in the cabinet and got out the syrup we had already opened. She said something like, “Why would you do that (not open it)?” and I told her we already had one opened that I did not want to spoil. My husband then took the syrup from her and opened it and said, “Of course we will use it”. The energy from him was judgmental, too, like he was saying to me, “How could you be so rude?”

She made other little comments throughout the visit and I could tell she just didn’t like me. I could read from her energy that she came to my house with an pre-formed opinion of me. She got the opinion from my MIL who told her during frustrated moments this or that about me, all negative. The energy read was so obvious in my recollection, but at the time it was received all at once, an onslaught of criticism and blame that I was unable to process or understand.

Though I did not confront the woman or my MIL about what I was sensing, I later told my husband what I sensed and what I believed the source was. He believed it was likely true based upon how his mother operates. Actually, at the time, I was not concerned if she liked me or not. This is my normal take with people. They can take me as I am or shove it. lol If she wanted to base her idea of me as a person on what another person said, she could and it was her loss.

So this memory comes to me out of the blue while making birthday breakfast for my son (Happy 3rd birthday Elek!). With it comes an understanding that I have been learning this lesson for some time. What is the lesson? That what we say about another person and the energy that goes with it is easily and sometimes eagerly adopted by others. Gossip is what it is called but it has many forms, and the phrase, “What goes around comes around” completely applies.

I recalled that when I was younger and something happened, someone made me mad or hurt me, that my first urge was to find someone close to me and bitch about it and the person. Rather than talk to the person directly, I took the coward’s path and released my frustrations with a “trusting” friend or family member. This is all my MIL did (does). She doesn’t like confrontation so when she is hurt or upset by something I do, she finds someone she trusts and tells them all about it. It is like a regurgitation or puking of all the emotions and energy she is holding of the event and person. The person who is listening wants to help, so often they agree with whatever they are told and tend to add fuel to the fire by adding their agreement. They will say, “Oh yes, how awful! How could you be around someone like that!?” Their agreement makes the other person feel heard, justified and right in their decision to talk to the trusted friend/family.

What should the person who is being told this information say to avoid this pattern, this cycle of negative and destructive energy? They should acknowledge the other person first – Yes, I can see how that would upset you. Then, rather than going into agreement with them, they should encourage the other person to work it out with the person that caused them the upset – Why don’t you talk to so and so? Maybe there is more to the situation than you know? Maybe you could work it out? 

I saw how I do this very thing with my mother – both as the person venting their frustrations and the person on the receiving end (that trusted friend/family). I use to use my mom to vent about my sisters and husband all the time. She in turn did the same with me. We would bounce the energy back and forth. I didn’t think anything of it until I lived on family land and had family all around me, family who often clashed. My sister being one of those individuals, it got pretty negative. I struggled to contain my upset and to not judge, but kept being sucked in. I couldn’t understand how this kept happening but then I realized that it was because my Mom was coming to me to vent and I was agreeing with her because of my own upset with my sister. This was fueling the conflict and causing stress on the family, not to mention me. I was haunted by the nasty feelings I was having and wanted them to stop. When I saw the cause I started saying to my mom, “Why don’t you talk to her?” rather than sharing my own upset and adding to the negative energy. Eventually I told her, “I don’t want to hear your complaints about her anymore. If you have an issue you need to go to her. What you decide to do is up to you. It is your choice. I am sure you will figure it out.” And I stepped back and walked away from the whole situation. It was hard. I lived in the middle of it all, literally feet from both of them. I felt some agony at letting it go, but once I did I was no longer affected. My mom made her decision (which I knew she would) and then learned the hard way. I had known what was coming. I wanted to help, to keep a bad situation from becoming worse. Unfortunately, when one is too overly involved, “help” can have the opposite affect.

Now it is happening again. I am seeing the same drama playing out. I am seeing my mom invite into her life the same upset she let in three years ago. I sense from her the need to have agreement from me. In fact, she jumped at telling me about it just to have the agreement. I fell for it, somewhat, but stopped short and said to her, “It is your decision. You do what you feel is best.” I have stepped back and now I wait. I am grateful to not be living so close anymore.

Unfortunately, my mom’s complaints about my sister were already heard and my agreement was already added to that. I got pulled in. Again. That is why I was reminded of my MIL’s sister. I got to personally experience the end phenomena of such interactions. Who knows what judgments I have caused other people to have about my sister. I know for certain that my mother and cousin have been affected by my agreement with them. My husband probably, too as well as my daughter.

In considering this, I am asked, “What are your true feelings toward your sister? Want do you want other people to think about her? Now that you see the cycle, have experienced all sides, what do you feel is the best way to resolve such situations?”

My true feelings? I love my sister. I want other people to love her, too. I don’t want them to think the worst about her when they are with her. I don’t want the first things to come to mind about her to be soaked in negative energy. Negativity feeds off negativity. It grows. The same is true for positivity.

There is a part of me that says about my sister, “I love her…..BUT she should not be allowed to get away with what she is doing! She should be punished!” I recognize this is the part of me that seeks to be right. I see the patterns stemming all the way back from our childhood. So many things she did to me and I did to her. Back and forth. Repeating. Yuck.

Others seek agreement. They want to be right when they feel wronged. It is human nature but it is not productive.

I am reminded of how I handled a work situation way back in 2009. I had a boss who I disliked but really there was no reason why I should dislike her. I began to observe others and my interactions with them and how they added to my dislike of my boss. I saw how others came to me to complain and how I agreed. Then I began to look at my boss as if I had never met her and had never heard anything about her. I saw her differently. I saw a person who had admirable qualities. I saw the positive more than the negative. When I realized she was not the “bad” person I was led to believe, I began to defend her when others came to me to bitch or gossip about her. I began to say positive things about her as well. I noticed they stopped coming to me. lol Eventually I began to only receive positive information and energy about her from others. Eventually my boss began to talk to me more and was more friendly.

This is how you handle negative situations involving “gossip”. Family or friends or coworkers, it doesn’t matter, though family can be especially difficult. It really is all a cycle of energy. You can feed whichever kind of energy you like, but be sure it will come back to you and affect you the same.

I’m lucky I don’t care what other people think of me (maybe too much) else I probably would have had a much more difficult time with this lesson! Ha!

 

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Past Life: Lesson from the 1800’s

Not long ago I asked my guidance to help me remember the karma I have with my current husband. I have been shown past lives of other individuals throughout this life, usually quite spontaneously, but when it come to my husbands not one glimpse has been given. It is like it is “hands off” when it comes to marriage relationships. Why? That is no fair! lol

Even after I divorced my first husband I was not shown past lives or given any information as to why we had agreed to be together. All I knew was that I had agreed to help him and him me. Strangely, I was able to perceive his future quite clearly to the point that he had no doubt I knew what I was talking about. He use to call me and ask me, “What do you see for me…?” lol I told him. And it happened. All of it.

So tell me, how is it that I can see my ex’s future, but not our past? Again, not fair!

So back to my current husband. It is obvious to me that we have a “contract” and I want nothing more than to fulfill my end. I feel that I can do that better if I have more information. How do I resolve my end of the deal? Please help me. This is what I asked my guidance.

Revelations from the 1800’s

This morning, after an OBE involving my husband (not coincidence I’m sure), I woke up and was directed to “listen”. I fell into the in-between and found myself in a very different scene and very obviously from a past life.

I was standing under a veranda. Behind me were green, rolling hills and a bright, cloudless day. The scene was reminiscent of Europe. It felt beautiful but the feeling was anything but – tense is an understatement. I was dressed in a flowing, light pink, corseted gown with ruffles around the hip area. I had a parasol by my side. I don’t recall what I looked like but I do recall who I was with.

To my left was a thin, lanky man with light hair. He was dressed nicely in a blue suit with a tie and leaned against a cane. I don’t know if he needed the cane but the feeling was he did. He had been sickly his whole life and was not very physically strong.

To my right was another man. He was very boisterous and loud. He was much taller than the other man. Muscular and in peak physical condition for his age – probably 20’s. I don’t remember what he looked like, my focus was mostly on the other man.

The boisterous man was my fiance and he was angry. Angry at the other man and telling him to stay away from me and have no further contact or else. He was pretty scary and ruthless. Insulting the other man. I remember him saying, “You have nothing, can give her nothing. You are nothing.” He went as far as to laugh at the other man. Everything my fiance did and said made me think less of him and more of the other man. I had nothing but love for the sickly man. In my eyes he was perfect just the way he was, sickly or not.

Understanding what I was seeing, I came out of the in-between but went back in not long after. This time it was Knowing of the outcome. I had ended my engagement with the angry man because I did not love him. I made this choice knowing what I would leave behind me – wealth, security, status. I chose to be with the sickly man because I loved him and to me it was worth it to be with him. I chose him knowing he did not have long to live. It was far better in my mind to be with someone I loved, even if briefly, than to spend my entire life with the other man (I wanted to say “with a bogart” but didn’t know what that meant. Turns out it is a bully or someone who refuses to share. lol). I also knew I had very little time with the one I loved, perhaps only a year before he died.

Considerations

Whether this is a past life with my husband or my ex, I don’t know. I have my suspicions, though. If this is a karmic lesson regarding my current husband, what does it mean? Does it mean I made the wrong decision? Or was it how I handled the situation? Or, perhaps, it is his karma and not mine, that is being resolved. If he is the aggressive fiance then perhaps he is here to learn how to let go? Hahaha okay not really funny.

I know with many who I have recalled past life and karmic connections with that I came to help them more than myself. For example, one man I had a relationship with murdered me and our son in a past life because he found out I had been cheating on him. He couldn’t bear the humiliation. In this life he cheated WITH me (lol) and so, in a sense, he walked in my shoes and so was able to see my perspective. What he did with that lesson, I don’t know, but at the time I Knew my role and was able to learn my own lessons from it.

These “contracts” are rarely what we perceive them to be and often times have many layers of lessons contained within them, lessons for both parties.

Whatever this memory means, at least if the woman is me I knew what I wanted and had the courage to go for it despite being aware of the loss involved.

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Revisiting 2006

 

I’ve been having this strange feeling that I am missing something, something that should be obvious. Kind of like I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. The feeling has been nagging me for over a week now. I hate being nagged!

In considering this feeling, I am reminded of the worst part of my Dark Night in 2005. What is happening now that corresponds to what happened then?

There are major difference, of course. I was unemployed in 2005 time and had hit rock bottom. Though I am unemployed now, it is by choice and I am by no means near rock bottom.  The depression in 2005 was the worst ever. It seemed I never stopped crying and no path, no option seemed attractive to me. So I stayed stuck and dug myself deeper into the pit of despair. Currently, I would not call what I am experiencing as depression. It is melancholy sometimes and definitely lack of motivation, but nothing like what I experienced in 2005.

The similarities are that I am resisting movement toward a certain path. Back then, it was the path away from my spiritual calling and it infuriated me that I would be asked to go back to teaching. I refused and as long as I did so, I was miserable. I had episodes that scared the bejesus out of me as well. So much that I ended up seeking out a psychiatrist who said I was having psychotic breaks and was Bipolar (lol). Thankfully, now the resistance is not manifesting so traumatically. Plus, the movement is back toward a spiritual path. I should be jumping for joy, but I’m not. Instead, I am resisting. I’m super suspicious,  wondering if my guidance is leading me down the rabbit hole once again. Been there, done that, don’t wanna go back to that if I can avoid it. Back then I called it “delusions of grandeur”. haha

The primary difference between now and then is that this time my heart is online. It is strikingly obvious to me, though, that my reaction to the coming change in direction of my life is almost identical. I’m afraid of change. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of failure. Afraid to believe that maybe, just maybe I will get what I’ve always wanted. Huh?

2006

I read recently that astrologically, this year corresponds to 2006. The life issues and lessons you did not successfully learn or that still need some learning will come up for re-inspection. I suspect this is why memories of the Fall of 2005 are returning to me. It’s a heads up. Hey, you, looks like you didn’t finish this there issue. Time to pay the piper. lol

2006 was a pretty good year. I reluctantly (more like forced to) followed my guidance and got a teaching job, relocated, lived on my own and began to rebuild my life. I learned that I enjoyed being single (hey hey!) and after multiple lame relationships decided I didn’t need anyone but myself. No more men. No more BS. lol And I integrated the spiritual back into my life despite the fact that I had been led to discard it. I recognized that just because I was being led to work a mundane job did not mean I had to stop being spiritual or doing what I enjoyed.

I wouldn’t say I had beaten the Dark Night but in 2006 I was definitely emerging back into the light. Finding my footing. Reconnecting with mySelf. By that December I was in my own Power more than any other time in my life. Pretty awesome, huh?

So it has me wondering, what exactly am I needing to tweak from 2005-2006? Obviously, there is the “follow your heart” message. Got that one loud and clear. In 2005 it nearly drowned me to resist where I was being led. Damn I am stubborn. lol

The being alone, being at peace with aloneness lesson was well-learned. In fact, I would love to learn that one again. Meaning? Probably not a lesson this time around. Ha! Thinking it may be a lesson in reverse considering I have been in cave mode so long. How many people and energies does it take to break me? One? Hahaha

And the “done with men” lesson? Hmmm Not sure there. Maybe still needs some tweaking. lol In looking at it more carefully, though, I think that lesson was more standing in my own power and not thinking I somehow needed a man in my life. Feeling I do need to revisit that one. I just need to remember what my own Power feels like and not give it away so willingly. (OMG thinking I will cry now that I am re-reading this part)

The other lesson is balance. Balancing the spiritual and mundane in my life, specifically career-wise. It CAN be done. I did it. Successfully. Had I not met my now husband in 2007 I would probably have continued to do it successfully. I suspect my spiritual business would have made the same or more money as my teaching job back then had I continued with it. Instead, I chose to dump it altogether. The idea of starting a family won out over my spiritual goals and aspirations. At the time, it seemed to be the path I was suppose to take and I have no doubt it was now. And yeah, I chose to go all-out 3D. Sucker! 🙂

So there is likely a return to that lesson coming as well. Hmmm. And there was with that a taste of the unexpected. The universe brought to me what I needed and I didn’t even know I needed/wanted it.

I also learned that when you don’t resist the path you are meant to be on, the universe provides in abundance. When I accepted I was to return to teaching I was offered work without even having to put forth much effort. It actually irritated me back then because, well, I didn’t want to be on that path. lol

Okay, well I think that is it but maybe more will reveal itself in time. A lot happened in 2006. I grew exponentially – by leaps upon leaps and bounds. Perhaps remembering this is to give me strength for the coming year. Remember I pulled myself up by the bootstraps and thrived despite myself, so I can do it again if need be. <—–BINGO.

 

 

 

 

 

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Noticing

Another lesson of the OBE is on noticing. I am still learning it, still integrating it, but I want to share with you what I have realized thus far.

While OOB, I learned early on never to focus too much on anything while in the astral. To focus on something too long resulted in a loss of energy and ultimately a shift back into my physical body. I did not want that, of course, so I stopped focusing on things and learned quickly how to maintain a projection for hours.

It occurred to me just a couple of days ago that noticing is also used in meditation quite often. You are to “notice” the thoughts that enter your mind but then let them pass. You did this by not looking at them which in turns leads to focusing on them which in turn can lead to falling into a movie in your head (dream) and ultimately falling asleep. Have you ever done this while meditating? Then you failed to just “notice” your thoughts. I fall asleep all the time in my meditations. Then I end up OOB when I run into the noticing problem head-on. Oh, look a talking horse. Don’t notice. Don’t notice. Crap. I noticed! Back in my body. LOL

What I have realized from over 13 years of astral projection is that I was shown how much I tend to fixate on things. As I became more aware of this while OOB, I noticed how my energy seemed to be sucked out of me when I was focused on something or someone in my projection. At first I thought it was just me losing lucidity and so I would try to look at my hands or say, “Clarity now”. But this didn’t always work. You might ask, “Wouldn’t looking at your hands be focusing?” Yes and no. Yes you are putting your attention on something, but since it is your own hand and familiar and not out of the ordinary to your perception of reality, it serves to stabilize your energy. Also, what I have learned about focusing in the astral is that your energy is sent to that which you focus upon. If you are focusing on yourself/astral body, well then your build your energy (if that makes sense).

It is the same in waking life, just the energy dynamics are less noticeable. If you know what to look for, though, you can feel the energy exchange as it occurs. I have felt it.

This is the example I gave my husband when I was telling him about my realization:

When you are driving down the highway, you notice the environment – the cars, the signs, the road, the weather, etc. You do not focus on these things, you just notice them. You notice until something is not right then you focus when you have to on that particular thing. So if a car swerved into your path, you would focus on it for that instant and react as needed and then return to noticing.

If you were to instead focus on something purposefully while driving, you would find your perception altered as your energy shifted toward that thing. For example, have you ever been a passenger and focused on the wheels of a car driving next to you? What happens to your perception of your movement or the other car’s movement? In my experience, it always feels like I am getting closer to that car or the other car is swerving into our lane, when in reality neither is happening. It always freaks me out so I don’t do that anymore. lol

So this conversation got the attention of my husband (yay for small victories!). He has a work situation that this applies to. He recognized that his focus on his boss exhausts him. He feels his energy snuffed out when he interacts with her. He understood it was because he was focusing on her too much rather than just taking notice of her. To take notice of a human (ha just caught this! why did I write human?) is to look at them without judgement; to see them as they are and allow them to be that while allowing you to be you. The energy does not intermix.

It’s all a lesson on controlling your own energy (Self). It can be applied to all life situations which involve the exchange of energy. It also works in considering one’s resistance to things/people/situations.

The saying, “That which you resist, persists” stems from the noticing lesson, also. To resist something means you are putting your energy into resisting (fixating). Pushing against the energy. Sometimes even creating a ridge of energy (if you can imagine a mountain this is how it feels) to hold back the person/situation/thing. In a projection, resistance results in the loss of energy just like focus does. It is focus on avoidance.

I know this is a lot to digest. Even I am probably over thinking it, but I can see how it all connects and it is fascinating to me. All of it, everything we do, everything we are is energy. I will be more cognizant of my energy in the coming days. What am I giving away my energy to? Does it serve me to do so? If not, I need to reign it in.

 

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Lucid to OBE: Sometimes You Want Cereal

After noting a friend’s success at using B-Complex to induce a lucid dream, I decided to try taking it right before bed.

I use to take B-Complex every night before bed but it began to interrupt my sleep, so I stopped. No surprise, it interrupted my sleep! I woke every 2 hours, each time looking at the clock and swearing I had slept an entire night. Upon my last waking at 4am I pleaded with my guides. “Please let me at least get something out of this. At least a lucid dream?”

Wish granted.

Becoming Lucid: Old Flame in my Bed!

I became aware of a man in my bed. I turned and saw it was an ex-boyfriend!

Brief Explanation – This relationship had been like no other. There was an awesome chemistry – a chemistry that turned me into some kind of sex-crazed idiot (not joking!). in 2003 I had asked my guide to send him. I wanted to experience such a chemistry. Did I ever get it! I also experienced for the first and only time in my life the worse jealousy ever! I wish it on no one!

Dream

Noting who was in my bed, I slid out and looked at him. He looked as I remembered and I remembered A LOT! I did not touch him. Instead I was conversing with my guide. I knew a part of me was observing and that this was a rendering of my subconscious. I remember saying, “I wish I felt like that again!”

A woman I did not know came into the room and began to play with his male part. I got furious and yelled at her saying, “This is the only time I get to see him! You get him all the time! Get out!”. She left.

I then conversed some more with my guide who I didn’t see but knew was there. I remember wearing a belt and taking it and all my clothes off. I talked as I went outside the bedroom, which was my old room at my Mom’s house. There was a staircase going up. I walked up it but it suddenly collapsed upon itself and I slid down to the bottom. There was another staircase coming down and it was chained off – unsafe. I remember hearing from my guide that I could not go up until it was repaired. Looking back on it, I understand. It would have led me to higher levels and I was not yet ready to go there.

I went into my Mom’s bathroom and noted it was misshapen. The room stretched and moved with me in it. I felt like I was tripping! The golden color of the bathroom and the misplacement of the furniture began to bring on lucidity. I began looking for a ponytail holder and the drawers were too clean and organized. Then I knew: I was dreaming!

OBE: Can’t Breathe!

Feeling my body, I exited quickly and found myself in a dark, enclosed space. I suddenly felt I could not breathe and noticed that I was enclosed inside a fabric bag of some sort. I could see a tiny, pinprick of white light through a corner of it – a buttonhole! The claustrophobia was so real! I squelched the panic and told myself it was my fear doing this. I did not want this experience!

OBE: Sometimes You Want Cereal

Immediately the room disappeared and I was in my body feeling vibrations. I exited in one fluid motion and found myself in a dark room full of shadows. To my left there was a golden light and as I looked I saw it was coming from an entire wall of windows. They were shuttered but still the light shown through. I knew I needed to go out there!

I pushed through one of the shuttered windows and went outside. I found myself in my mother’s front yard looking out on many cars parked along the road. I remember thinking, “It’s not bright enough out here!” It was twilight, so there was light but it was muted.

As if to continue the lucid dream, I thought, “There’s a party. That makes sense. He liked parties”. I began to search for his vehicle. I saw an old, white 1970 Ford pickup. Inside was sitting a middle-aged man with a salt-and-pepper beard. I knew him!

I went up to the pickup and felt my middle son lagging behind me. When I saw the man he got out of the truck. He was beautiful despite being “older”. He reminded me of someone but I could not place him.

I asked him and my son, “Do you want to fly?” I reached out and grabbed both their hand’s. As we lifted up, I turned to the man and hugged him tightly. Then I thought, “What’s his name?” I heard an answer in my mind, “Robert”. I had asked my question aloud – “What’s your name?” – when I thought it and the man responded, “Robert” right after I heard it in my mind.

Happy that I had met Robert (my guide), we soared up into the sky. As I felt us rise, my vision blacked out but I was talking to Robert. I wondered, “Why was I dreaming about my ex? Why don’t I want to be with my husband?”

I then saw in my mind an image of a bowl of oatmeal. I stirred it with a spoon but did not want to eat it. Robert said to me, “Sometimes, when all you’ve had is oatmeal, you want cereal”. LOL (Still laughing about this comment).

OBE: It’s Your Birthday!

I felt the subtle vibrations of my body and willed myself back. This time I found myself standing in front of the hallway bathroom looking at my ex. The door was open and he didn’t have a shirt on. I walked up to him and realized I was holding a bowl of cereal (ha!). He turned and his face was covered in white powder. I handed him the bowl of cereal and he took it.

Then we went into the kitchen. There was a Simpson’s toy contraption on the table and I found out he had gotten it for me. I kept watching him and thinking that he had come to see me after all these years. I wished he would stay but felt nothing for him – no love, no desire, nothing. It is foggy now but I recall recognizing his selfishness and that I didn’t like that about him.

Then my Mom presented me with a sequined, silver and black, sleeveless jacket. I oo’d and aw’ed when I saw it and I heard my ex say, “Isn’t that kind of cheap?” I remember then that he would never allow me to appear “slutty”. He was very worried about appearances yet he wanted a slut as his girlfriend. I was not like that and never would have been happy with him. He would have sought to control me in every way.

My Mom mentioned it was my birthday and this confused me. “It’s not my birthday”, I said. She said, “Isn’t it?” I recall being a bit confused here and trying to decide which birthday was my birthday. She asked me, “When is your birthday? I forgot”. I said, “July 3rd” but I knew in “reality” my birthday was a whole month later.

It was then suggested that we go fishing. Me, my ex, and my two oldest children flew out the back window to a large lake. We landed on its banks and I saw the white bones of some kind of animal. It had died there. I saw also that I could see right to the bottom of the dark waters. I cautioned all of them, “Be still, the fish will see you!”

As my ex fished, my children began to ride their bikes over the water. I thought, “He’s never going to catch anything if the lake is that shallow”.

Considerations

This experience was interesting. It was like I was watching my dream as the observer. The lucid dream was interesting. The bathroom warping like that was the coolest! I felt like I was looking into one of those carnival mirrors but actually IN it!

The realizations I had were included in the account. I was contemplating an issue I have been having – feeling more like my husband’s friend than his lover. I actually am happy the way it is – it is comfortable. Yet in the dream I am exploring another part of me, one that wants more and wants to create that in my life. I looked back on an old relationship and recognized it was not what I wanted – how it could have been. I even think that I returned to an alternate life, one in which I made different choices.

The last part about the lake is the perfect description of my relationship with my ex. It is dead. He was too shallow for me.

I also can’t stop laughing about Robert’s comment! I also won’t forget his face. So handsome and familiar.

I want to add that meeting up with him allowed me to compare how Robert feels to how E’Fonin feels. They are VERY different. Robert communicates to me from the right. His communication is subtle and comfortable. E’Fonin communicates from all around – it is as if he surrounds me completely. And he feels HUGE and magnificent, like I am being visited by God or an Angel. His presence seems announced in such a way that I am instantly attentive. He cannot be ignored as easily as Robert. And the energy that comes with E’Fonin is beautiful. I want to melt into my bed. They are SO different!

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A Voice and a Lesson

This has been an interesting day. It has really been pretty boring and mundane all in all…….except that I have had communication from my Team or someone from my Team most of the day. Along with this communication has come learning and information that was unexpected.

Lesson: Management of Thought

The day seems to have been an entire lesson on the workings of the human mind, or at least my human mind anyway.

It all began when a little voice interrupted my doubtful or negative thoughts. I recall the exact moment when I first recognized I was being spoken to. I had considered just selling all of my sewing kits and then throwing in the towel. “It’s too much work” was the last thing I thought.

The voice said, “Follow it through. Remember your intention (memory triggered) and go there. Persistence. Be the moment”.

Silence followed as I absorbed what I was told and recalled the image in my mind from the exact moment when I had the idea to start my business. This “image” was important. I needed to continually refer to that memory and then let it be the last thing I think about, tossing out all doubts and disappointments.

There was more. I was told to push past the pitfalls. Nothing is accomplished without a little elbow grease. Greatness is achieved not by those who know all but by those who seek to know what they do not.

I was reminded of Abraham Lincoln specifically. Try, try, try again. Build upon the knowledge you gain. Push past the failures. Ride over the bumps.

Throughout the day, I kept wanting to go back to the dismal thinking, the “woe-is-me” attitude. I honestly don’t know why I kept doing this. I was told it was because I thought it was what I was suppose to do. Interesting.

This continued on and off all day. The more it happened, the less I fell into the depressing, defeatist views and the more I focused on the moment.

When I noticed my mind was clearing, I heard the voice again. “Imagine complete clarity”. He let it settle in. It was hard to imagine but I think I got the gist of it. He continued saying, “That is how you will be”.

Now that I have time to reflect on today, I recognize that I was being taught about how my mind works and how to control it. I was being shown how to manifest by focusing back on my original intent rather than allowing myself to go off the path into doubt and fear. In the moments when I was being spoken to, I felt as both the experiencer and the observer at the same time. Very similar to some of my OBEs.

The Voice

There was always a feeling that accompanied this voice. The feeling was similar to how a student feels when their teacher is asking them questions in front of the class or teaching them something one-on-one. But it was not a feeling of subservience or of being any less than the teacher. It was more of a reverence; an understanding that I was hearing wisdom and needed to absorb as much of it as I could.

When I asked who the voice was, I got a very complicated name that I have lost now. It was definitely not a name I have ever heard in this life. What is funny is that as soon as I heard it I said, “Oh yeah. I’ll never get that one”. I knew it was pointless to even try to remember it. So I didn’t.

Regardless of who this voice belongs to, I know he is male and I know that he is one of my mentors. The sense I got was that he has come ahead of something else – as if he is preparing me for something that is to come. The closest thing to the feeling I got with him around me was from this past May. I have been asking for that to return. Perhaps something like it is coming?

And he is still here, though currently much more silent. His arrival was preceded by strong crown chakra this morning. This is also similar to how things began in May.

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Dichotomy

Lots of change happening. First off, on the first day school resumed after summer break my morning started off with news that my sister-in-law had gone into labor five weeks early. I knew that meant I would likely have to leave work early and I did. Then I had to change my schedule because they kept mom and baby in the hospital for observation. I guess they do that when baby is really early. So today was my first full day back at work. Thank goodness I can change my schedule!

The day was busy, but not hectic. I had sent out a form in Google Docs, the first ever and I really like it! Anyway, I had four referrals and so had to follow up on each of them. In addition I had some other things to do and so the day filled up fast.

What is memorable about this day, though, is the last minute referral of a student who had been crying nonstop since Monday. When I went to see him I knew he was struggling and when he saw me his eyes immediately filled with tears. We went for a walk and chatted and I listened and felt such overwhelming love for him and his predicament. I understood him and I wanted to make him better yet at the same time I was somewhat detached and calm. In a way, I think this detachment helped me help him better because by the end of my time with him he was calm and I could tell a heavy burden had been lifted from him. I gave him hope and in that I think was the biggest gift I could have given him.

I didn’t realize this, of course, until I was on my way home over an hour later. It suddenly hit me then all at once and my heart overflowed for him. His mother had written me and told me thank you – that he was so much better for talking to me – but that wasn’t it. I understood him because I had been him so many, many years ago in my youth when I was nearly his same age. How horrible to have all that one believes to be solid and true in their life snatched away and smashed to bits. That is what his world is now and what mine had been so many years before. I had no one and was not nearly as receptive as he.

And I know he will be alright and I think that is the best feeling ever.

78

All this happened before I thought about the significance of a number I received in my dreams last night. I was discussing the years 1978-1979 for some reason. I remember recognizing that I had already been born and speaking the year 1978 as if I were trying to figure out what was going on. The number returned after today’s events and so I looked it up.

The number says that one has reached a balance between the spiritual and the mundane and with this comes an inner peace and joy as well as material abundance.

When I read the meaning of this number I knew that my experiences today were significant. For the first time in a very long time I felt true heart emotional connection to my work. The overflow I felt has not been felt by me since around the time of my daughter’s birth. I have been blocked to my work and my connection with those I worked with since then. Yet today I felt it again. It spilled out of me and was not sorrow but a mixture of emotions that are indescribable and beautiful. I felt a true connection and purpose that I had all but given up on.

All I can say is that sometimes I feel that a part of me never gives up on me yet at the same time another part of me wishes only to destroy my only chance at happiness. How strange to be so dichotomous. I wonder how I have made it this far at all.

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OBE: Practicing Multidimensionality

After the weird sleep paralysis episode and then being engaged in a lesson about confronting death, I went OOB three times.

Two Short Projections

I found myself in a semi-lucid dream in which I was watching a town full of people who had gone crazy. They were all starting fires within their community and nothing seemed to break them from the trance they were in.

I then shifted into a room and which I was talking to a massive Great Dane. He was as tall as me but I was a dwarf and male. We were discussing the issues of the world, specifically a war and the devastating results of it. We eventually decided that we needed to change bodies. I went into his and he into mine. He then took a large carpet and wrapped me inside of it. At this point I remember trying to figure out who I was. Was I the dog or the man?

This is when I became aware of the vibrations which were intense. My body felt to be jumping and I wondered briefly if I were really awake.

I decided to sit up and get out of my body. When I did, I worried I would sit up physically and stop the projection. It felt so real!

Thankfully, I was able to get up and I went out of the bedroom. I immediately began to chant, “OM”. Unfortunately, it did not have the affect I wanted and I was pulled unevenly back into my body.

Upon re-entry I heard my guide say, “Not now” in reference to me wanting to go back to the place where I had met up with my Team the last time I projected. I understood why. We were practicing something, but I could not remember what.

Not long afterward, I projected again, sitting up out of my body like I did before. This time I did not chant but thought that I wanted to go to a higher level than I had previously been on. I ended up walking on soft grass. Unfortunately, my vision was inhibited but it did slowly begin to clear and I could make out a tall tree in the center of the grass field I was in. I touched it and said aloud, “Ok, what did you want to tell me?”

I got no response and my vision quickly faded out.

Practicing Multidimensionality

When I came back to my body I once again felt the weird shaking vibrations. This time I could also distinctly feel energy spots on my body and there was a sense that I was being adjusted and worked upon.

I projected quite easily after that, just popping out of my body and moving directly out of my bedroom to the area just above the stairs. I couldn’t see again but wanted to float down to the first floor. I jumped up and looked over the side and for a moment thought, “I will fall”. There was a thought in response that said, “But I can fly”.

I successfully floated down and landed in the living area and my vision turned on crisply. I saw my husband and daughter and could also see my youngest. When I saw them, they greeted me. My daughter said, “Mommy!” I said to her, “Want to come with me?” She said, “Yes!”

Eagerly, she ran to the front door and threw it open. She was out of it before I could catch up.

I went outside and it was a brilliant day with bright blue skies, puffy clouds and vividly green trees. It resembled very much our neighborhood. Oddly, it was horribly windy, so much so that the wind hit us with tons of resistance making it hard to stay stable.

My husband came out behind me and I watched as my daughter propelled herself into the air and reached her hand out to me. I jumped up, flying toward her, and grabbed her hand. I looked back and my husband was heading the opposite direction on foot. He left the door open and I almost said to him, “Shut the door, Elek will get out” and then I remembered, “Even if he does, it won’t matter, he can’t get hurt here”.

I continued on with my daughter and we flew up above the treetops. I felt a tugging on my other arm and looked back. There she was pulling me the other way. There were two of her! I laughed and pulled the other her along with us as we soared down the streets.

The wind was still blowing fiercely and there was a thought that came with my inspection of it, “It is your body. You are sensing the vibrations”. And I knew suddenly that I was both experiencing this astral experience while also experiencing what my body was experiencing. I was in two places at once.

I then saw a woman place something on her front door step and shut the door. Curious, I began to move toward the house but felt, “No”. I ignored it, though, and kept going to the door. My vision darkened and I was back in my body which was shifting violently with vibrations. If I had not known what the vibrations were I would have thought I was having a seizure.

After this projection I heard my guide say, “You should get up now and write this down”. I didn’t though. I lay there for some time enjoying the energy blanket, surprised that I was able to remember everything that happened.

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Lesson: Overcoming the Fear of Death

After the weird episode of sleep paralysis, my guide was close and instructing me. Unfortunately, I don’t recall everything we discussed as I was in and out of a state that is hard to describe.

I remember being told I would project. I then began to feel odd energy sensations indicative of the trance state except that there was the familiar Kundalini energy sensations as well. I had the energy helmet over my head and my chakras were lit up from my second all the way to my crown. Oddly, the root was not lit up at all. There was confirmation that it would be soon, though, just not at this point or this night.

I went into an in-between state several times after that.

Discussing Fear

I recall standing on the top of a vast mountain range looking out on a beautiful valley that spread for miles. The colors were vibrant and it looked like someone had taken a paintbrush full of every color imaginable and painted the scenery. Fantastically beautiful!

Next to me was my guide and we were discussing fear. It was explained to me that we were to practice confronting one of my last fears. This fear was interfering with my progress.

I said to him, “I am sorry”.

He replied, “It will be easy”.

I looked out on the scene in front of me and the reality took my breathe away. It felt like I was OOB yet there was a different element to it that I couldn’t put my finger on. I began to wonder, “Where are we?” Something in my questioning took me out of this beautiful, serene place and back to my physical awareness.

I was then told there was work to be done and to think of a place that made me happy. I began to think of the mountains and tried to recall the peace and serenity I had just had, but it was hard. The energy sensations then returned and I felt the horizontal and vertical vibrations that have been the norm for me lately.

Viewing and Experiencing Death

Then next thing I remember was both watching and experiencing the death of a man. The man was laying prone, arms and legs spread, as if he had been hit hard and knocked backward to the ground. I remember he was wearing a white shirt and that he was struggling to breathe. I assumed he was either gunshot or hit with something that damaged his chest area.

What is odd here is that I experienced the man’s death as if it were my own. The strange gasping for breath and the feeling of the life draining out of me. I was choking on my own blood. It felt similar to drowning. Not pleasant at all.

I had feelings during this time similar to the feelings I have been having the past several days in which I feel propelled from my body except here I was allowed to see the predecessor to it.

To not want to die; to leave the body by force because the body is dead creates all kinds of distress for the individual inhabiting the body.

Again I felt to be OOB but there was something different about it that was noticeable but indescribable.

I came back to my physical awareness from wherever I had been experiencing this and my guide said, “Death happens to everyone”.

I responded, “I know”.

A part of me worried I was being prepared for death.

He said, “Not that kind of death”.

My thoughts continued on in this direction, trying to put together all of the experiences I had had up to that point. Was I being possessed? Where would I go when I left my body? Would I come back?

I remember hearing responses amidst my questions.

“Death is only the beginning. You must be free of this fear. There can be no resistance”.

I understood what he was referring to. It was the energy swap. Any resistance would hinder the transfer. Fear results in resistance.

I didn’t even know I feared death.

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Abandoned Buses

I finished reading my journal last night. I read many, many entries in which my guide/Higher Self makes it clear to me why I astral project and what I am learning about myself. One of the lessons I learned was to love myself, specifically to love being WITH myself and stop seeking out another to make me whole. Another lesson was how to manifest what I wanted in life. I did both and more the following year – that year I built my house, met my current husband, got married, and got pregnant with my first child.

When I went to bed I felt I had accomplished a great deal from 2003-2007. I am proud of myself! I decided to set the intention to use future astral projections as I had been instructed time after time in my journal – to learn about myself, to heal and to help others.

Abandoned Buses

I woke up early this morning and then tried to return to sleep. I felt wonderful, so this was hard. I finally dozed off and found myself lucid laying in my bed listening to a group of people talking. I was aware that they were sitting on the bed next to me. The scene was shifting and colored with gray and white. It was like watching an old black and white television show.

I instantly knew I was “in-between” (which I now understand to be one of the lower levels of the etheric). I closed my eyes and mentally stated, “I want to astral”. As soon as I said this, I felt the subtle vibrations wash over me and then intensify in the center of my body. I knew the timing was right and I willed myself out of my body.

I immediately floated upward slightly and knew that the “people” who had just been around me talking would be gone. When I looked around, they were, of course, gone. I saw that I was in my room, the messed up covers of the bed below/next to me, and my vision was bright and clear. The room had a golden-yellow glow that seemed to radiate a soft warmth. The overall energy was nice.

I moved into the upstairs living room and paused. I remembered my decision to let my Higher Self guide me through my OBEs from now on. So I tuned into this part of me and asked, “What do you want me to do?” I heard a nearly undetectable reply, “I want you to see yourself”. I replied, “Ok”. I didn’t ask how because as soon as I wondered about it I felt I needed to pay attention to what I saw and experienced in this projection.

I leaned over the railings of the upstairs and looked down below me at the downstairs living area. I saw toys strewn all over the floor! It looked like a messed up jigsaw puzzle of toys! They were very brightly colored, too. I saw them, took note of them and knew that in waking life this mess would have made me unsettled. I decided not to let them bother me while in astral and jumped over the railings to go down stairs.

I felt my energy was low and so stated, “More energy”. The energy settled and seemed to solidify and I drifted down to the floor. I instantly went toward the kitchen to the double doors that lead outside. I don’t even recall being IN the kitchen, though. It seemed I instantly just appeared outside the house.

I do recall going through the two doors because they seemed so white and opened up by themselves. I knew as I went through them that they would lead me somewhere else, somewhere that was not my back yard.

I instantly saw green grass and as I moved along it I topped a hill. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a yellow school bus parked to my right. When I saw it I felt I should investigate but I was not interested and immediately chose to explore the hill. Over the top of the hill was this magnificent valley that stretched for miles and miles. It was vividly green with triangular shaped stones that looked like mini mountain tops scattered all across it. The sky above was blue, pink, white and yellow and reminded me of a sunrise. At first I thought they were mountains but upon further inspection they were actually small stones and the scene appeared similar to scenes I’ve seen in movies of Scotland.

Greyhound_bus_on_the_way_to_Washington-2I looked around and saw that there was a small pond that was dotted with mounds of earth as if it was low on water. I went to investigate it. I attempted to fly and found it difficult so I said, “More energy” and was able to lift up enough to fly down. When I got to the pond I saw a Greyhound bus parked seemingly IN the pond. I ignored it but did not miss the fact that it was there. I just wasn’t interested in the bus for some reason.

I got to the pond and immediately got into the water. The water was muddy and stagnant but I didn’t care. Then I took handfuls of the gritty water and washed my face with it. I could feel the sand and grit on my face and I smiled and put more on my face. I remember thinking, “Why am I doing this?” and then thinking, “Because I want to”. I tried not to over analyze it but in hindsight believe there is significance to everything in this experience.

I got up out of the water and looked up the hill. I could see a cabin hidden behind the trees and make out a parking lot and a woman walking toward the cabin. She was somewhat overweight and reminded me of the woman I saw in my OBE two days ago. I then looked toward the cabin and saw a shower out in the open. It was one of those really high tech spa showers with jets that hit your body at the top and middle. The chrome of the jets shown vividly as did the teak wood of the shower itself.

I got this ominous feeling and tried to control it. I don’t know where it came from but it hit me when I considered going up and talking to the woman. I recognized there was fear there and since it made no sense it threw me enough that I was pulled back to my body.

I again ran into a rocky reentry but it wasn’t as bad as last time. My heart was pounding again but settled down faster and I was able to move without any problem.

Factors Influencing Projection

Lucidity scale: 8

Intent stated?: Yes

Time to bed: 10pm

Time to wake: 5:30am

Meditation?: No

Physical Exercise?: Yes

Mood: normal

Body: Lower back and pelvic area aching

Tiredness: Low

Number of wakings: 1

Technique?: No

Sleeping position: Left side

Supplements: Multivitamin, Natural Calm 400mg, Sleepy Time Extra Tea, Biotin 1000mg, Vitamin E 400mg, Evening Primrose Oil 1300mg