Tag Archives: life

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Unexpected Life Review

My husband has this weird habit of playing songs that my ex use to play all the time. When I ask him why he plays it, he says, “I like it”. Yet, most of the time he plays music we both like. So, him playing this music is out of character for him.

The music he plays comes from the exact albums my ex use to play over and over again when we were married. Specifically he plays George Strait, Amarillo by Morning (my ex’s all-time favorite song) and Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson songs. Last night he chose to play Merle Haggard Greatest Hits which was one my ex played frequently on our long commutes between Bozeman and Helena, MT.

When I heard the album playing songs I knew by heart, images began to flash through my mind of long ago. I was hit suddenly with these images and seemed unable to remove them from my mind. Mostly, I was seeing the mountains and grandeur of Montana, the houses I use to live in, and the routes to an from places we frequented. The detail was amazing!

There was also a memory of who I was at that time and she was so alien to me as was her actions and reactions to life. She was so selfish, angry and dark. I wondered to myself, “Why was I like that?” There came along with all this memory a deep regret for my lack of enjoying that part of my life and the immense beauty of the places in which I lived.

My memories then shifted to my childhood and images of the places I lived and the things I did began to pour in. These were less alien to me and there was little connection at all to the memory of my childhood. I remember visiting these childhood places while OOB and wondered, “Why do I not visit Montana when OOB?” I didn’t know.

Eventually I began to feel overwhelmingly hot. There was no sweat, either, just a core heat that seemed to radiate out from my center. This came and then went only to come back again. The memories of my life were still repeating and there was a question that came often with them, “Can you let it go?” There was also a statement I recall hearing, “Accept the Old you and the New you will be all that remains”.

Eventually, the memories stopped coming and I was able to just listen to the music as music. I even sang along to it while I cradled my youngest in my arms to help him get to sleep. I felt extremely tired and nearly fell asleep with him.

September 2002

I want to briefly discuss a memory that came while all this review was occurring. It was from the morning in which I woke to a voice telling me, “Get out now”. There was a discussion of this time in my life and a flash of memory of the months preceding this incident.

I had been extremely depressed for months. The depression had been there before but this was a very low, heavy kind of blackness. During this time I chose various outlets to relieve my depression. One of them was music. I went out and bought a guitar and taught myself to play it. I then composed songs. It was through these songs that I received help and my first “messages”. I didn’t know that was what it was at the time. I did keep a journal but did not write about these experiences for some reason. I wish I had.

This depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide were almost constantly on my mind. I did not tell anyone this, though. I kept it hidden and knew I would not have the courage to go through with it. I often prayed for God to end my life for me – freak accident or something like that. Of course, that never happened. I got very close to taking action toward ending my life, but couldn’t do it. It felt so very selfish and wrong. I don’t remember now my thoughts exactly but there was a feeling that a solution was coming.

Having these memories return made me wonder if perhaps a solution had come via that voice. Was there some kind of walk-in experience then? It seems very possible, even likely. I woke up to a voice telling me what to do and I didn’t question it. That was unlike the old me.

After I heard the voice, I left my husband within a week and found a new job within a month. Within four months I had done my first-ever meditation which seemed to activate something within me and within two months of that I quit the job I had just gotten, moved away, changed my name and changed everything about my life and my persona. The life I left behind did not feel like mine. It still feels that way. All of these actions are classic signs of a walk-in.

Even though I am now going through something very different than back then, I wonder if perhaps a similar process is happening?

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Out of Sorts

I don’t normally post twice in one day but I have way too much going on to not.

I posted about my multiple OBEs first because I was afraid I would lose too much of what happened. As it was, after I initially posted I had a memory about a shadow man that I had to add and even now memories are coming back to me. I recall seeing and discussing crystals with a man (one of my guides) while OOB. The memory is fuzzy so not sure if I will add it or not. However, it has convinced me that healing is on the agenda for me and that no matter if I refuse, it will continue.

Jet Blue

No doubt you all have heard by now about the Jet Blue scare that happened on Thursday. It has been all over the media and social media has popped up with selfies, photos, videos and personal accounts of the near-miss. Well, what you don’t know is that this specific event hit very close to home for me. My husband was on that flight.

My husband was doing some work in California and had scheduled his flight home from Long Beach that day. The entire morning, my middle son was talking about Daddy coming home. In fact, he was so excited to see his Daddy again that he was refusing to eat saying, “I’m gonna wait for Daddy”. He kept asking, “When is Daddy coming home?” And I kept telling him, “Not until after lunch”. He also kept asking, “What time is it?” but this is a normal question for him right now.

The last time my son asked about his Daddy I was about to jump into the shower. It was about 11:30am. When I came downstairs after my shower I saw I had missed a call and had a voice mail. I saw the call was from my husband and tried to call him back but it went directly to voice mail. So I listened to my voice mail and heard the unexpected.

My husband’s voice was calm when he said, “Our plane had to turn back because one of the engines went out. We landed and had to slide down the emergency slide. I am fine.” Minutes later, he called me back and told me more. He still sounded calm. My first thought was, “Wow!” My second was, “I never suspected any of it”.

When my husband arrived home at 8:30pm that night he was still pretty calm. He finally did confess to me, however, that when the engine blew, there was a loud bang followed by immense amounts of smoke. He said when this happened, his first thought was, “I am going to die”. Then he immediately reached out and took the hands of the two men sitting to either side of him. He told me, “There is nothing like thinking you are going to die to get you to really appreciate life”.

Emotionless

I am actually still waiting for the impact of my husband’s near-death experience to hit me. But it hasn’t. I am happy he is okay, but I never felt he was not okay. I never even suspected anything was amiss. My son must have because he was so tuned into seeing his Daddy all morning. Why didn’t I?

My husband spoke to me about his experience more yesterday and then mentioned it yet again today. It is obvious that it really affected him – for the better, too. I feel guilty for not feeling anything. I don’t even feel relief. What is wrong with me?

All I can say is that there must be something very wrong with me.

Healing

Last night I sensed again that something is very “off” with me, especially my energy. But I also think that there is something going on with the Earth’s energy and that, maybe, I am susceptible to it. Or perhaps I am just mixing up all the energy I am being bombarded with and as such it is making me feel very out of sorts.

As I prepared for bed last night, I knew I was in dire need of healing. I knew I needed to pick apart some of the things I have yet to confront in life. There are some things I am avoiding looking at. Why? Because I worry I will have to make changes. And change isn’t comfortable.

As I settled down to sleep, though, I did ask for help healing some of my internal aches and pains. So it is no wonder that I had dreams and OBEs that were along those lines. Yet, when I woke up, I was in a very sour mood. It has passed now, but it feels like I use to feel when I was a child I was told I needed to do something and I do not want to do it. What do I have to do?

Finally, one thing I did not mention in my other post, is that this healing I am getting is preparation for something. I remember as I came to full awareness after my last OBE, that I was speaking with my guide. I remember saying to him, “Is this what happens before…?” and he said, “Yes”. And now I am wondering, “Before what?”