Tag Archives: meditation

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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Back to the Basics

I skimmed through a book yesterday. The title was From Stress to Stillness: Tools for Inner Peace. I only read it because I have been feeling unbalanced and a bit unsettled and so was seeking some resolution. 

Here are some quotes I wrote down that resonated with me. Some resonated so deeply I had tears in my eyes:

“The ego often pushes us toward goals that aren’t ultimately fulfilling, ones that don’t really fit for us but are driven by fear and a sense of lack and not being good enough. Or the ego might limit us by talking us out of pursuing goals and activities that would make our heart sing.” p. 7

“When we allow the egoic mind to run our activities, we end up feeling like a machine: souless and joyless.” p. 21

“The ego wants clarity now, but clarity about how to proceed happens in its own time. Sometimes we have to patiently wait for Life to show us the next step. Sometimes not having clarity is the clarity.” p. 71

“These communications from our heart feel good, even euphoric. How gracious of Life to point the way with good feelings! And the unpleasant feelings and depression we experience when we believe the mind’s lies and half-truths are how Life shows us which directions not to go in. How benevolent of Life!” p. 76

All of the above quotes moved me/resonated but the last one especially. When I read about allowing the heart to show me the way I had a shot of energy hit my heart. It came in from the lower left of my body like a lightning bolt. When it hit I recognized something and I began to cry. It was an instant “ah-ha” about something I had missed from over a year ago now. I suddenly knew everything I was reading was true to me, especially the part where the ego convinced me that what my heart wants is not the “logical” thing to do. I saw instances where I had ignored my heart and listened to my egos lies and “logic”. I saw how my depression has always been a warning that I am heading in the wrong direction.

Sadly, the book was very repetitive so I ended up skimming through several chapters which is okay because I believe I received the messages I was meant to. 

The book indicated to me that I had allowed my egoic mind to pull me into it’s nonsense once again. It is so easy to get pulled in and the author reminds the reader not to despair. The ego is part of the many challenges we face when we descend into these physical bodies. Rather than judge myself harshly I should make a course correction. 

So I am going to return to daily meditation, aiming at 30 minutes to start with the goal of an hour daily. I did this successfully last night but since I am out of practice my mind wandered quite a bit and I struggled to get comfortable. 

At one point, toward the end, I found myself witnessing a visual of a word moving across my field of vision. It was written in 3D letters and said, “Postpone”. Not long after this message I was startled by what seemed like very loud music. Music had always been part of the meditation so I thought, “When did the music stop?” I realized that it hadn’t. I had shifted into a deeper state, one where the music blended into the silence.

Years ago I would meditate frequently in order to achieve a conscious OBE. I became so adept at it that I would go into trance very quickly upon entering a meditative state. I became so good at it that I ended up in trance at the most inappropriate times – like driving my car! Meditation is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it even if you stop practicing. This time I want to use my meditation practice to find Silence rather than exit my body. I have gone OOB enough. Now it is time to focus on being IN the body but not in the mind (ego). 

One would think after having the realizations I had from this book that I would change course drastically, but I’m not – can’t. To do so would most certainly throw me back into the chaos of my mind. I have to start slow which is why I am going to begin with my meditation goal and observe my thoughts throughout the day. As the author of the book reminds, those thoughts are not mine. They are an illusion, a part of the false self. 

The book also helped me to see that there are many things I am doing right. Many choices I made from the heart, choices where I opted to slow down and focus more on what matters to me rather than what society and others pushed upon me. I chose to leave teaching and counseling. I chose to stay home and work part-time. I chose to work in a career that gave me more freedom, less stress and more time with my children. I tossed money out the door as my primary consideration. 

There are many, many other examples. I may be human and flawed. I may be a bit deaf when it comes to my heart. We all are. Ultimately, we listen, even if at times it means we struggle in the dark for a while before we do. 

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Avoidance and Meditation Experience

So yesterday my abdominal cramping was nonexistent and I was back to “normal”. Unfortunately, my daughter had a 101 degree fever and was complaining of a sore throat and dizziness. Her fever is gone this morning but it made for a tough day for her.

Last night I was feeling that “doing” energy but at the same time a “don’t do” energy. It made me think of the future but not act on it. I was browsing the internet for jobs and if I found one I was interested in the feeling from it was “not yet”. I am wanting to take action to help pull me out of this funk but no-action is what is needed. No-action can be the toughest on me but indicates deeper introspection is needed on my part. Sigh. I feel like I am always digging deeper.

Prior to bed I was feeling the familiar emptiness that has haunted me most of my life. The dead but not-dead, walking dead, feeling that comes from an unwillingness to “see” and “hear” what is right in front of me. When I asked for help from my guidance I was asked if I was sure I wanted to continue the work. I said I was, but then my dreams revealed my hesitancy to move forward and the reasons for it.

I woke up this morning crying from my dreams. In them I was being encouraged to open my heart again and fully allow the emotion to flow. But the pain associated with it was too much and I withdrew. In the dream I was with a man and we shared a deep connection but I was resistant to it. As I woke I could feel it still and was not happy, did not want it and was full-on rejecting it.

I ended up crying from the memory of all that transpired from opening my heart so fully. It surprised me that I still feel so much grief and loss. I thought I had put that behind me. I could see that my resistance to the negative emotion was keeping me from experiencing all the positive emotions. This pattern, this coping mechanism, is blocking my progress. But when I contact the pain I immediately retreat. I feel exhausted and unable to process it any further. For now the numb feeling is preferable to the pain, grief and loss. Even in the dream, just touching on the bliss and unconditional love was uncomfortable. I want badly to embrace it but the fear of it all being destroyed, of the utter annihilation of self that results, drives me away. I am tortured by the simultaneous draw to and repulsion from this love. Yet I know the only way to resolve it is to embrace it. I just can’t. Maybe I never will? But I don’t know how I can live in such a state for the remainder of this lifetime. Being numb is no longer acceptable now that I know what it feels like to truly be alive.

My dreams make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me now. Prison. Walls. Protection. Running. I am trying desperately to protect myself from myself. Ha! Peace is found at the center if I can only stay there and stop teeter-tottering from one extreme to the other.

I am being encouraged to heal. No movement, or progress forward can be made until I do. But healing means time alone, time to process, time to feel fully all the emotion that is coming up for release. As long as I have distractions I will be distracted. This is a choice. An avoidance routine (routine being the key word here). And I’m really, really good at avoidance. I don’t know why I am so scared of what I will find. I am certain it is not as bad as it seems.

Meditation Experience

I have been laying in the sun frequently the last few days. I feel a need to be in it despite how hot and humid it has been here in Texas. I stay until I just cannot bear it and then retreat inside. Afterward I feel like I’ve been in a sauna and purged a huge amount of crap from my pores. Probably a good thing. Plus I’m getting a nice tan. 😉

Today, after my sun time, I retreated to my room to meditate. Within minutes of starting the meditation I began to drift in a dreamy state, visualizing myself walking to the edge of a river. I could see the boulders surrounding the crystal clear water and the mountains towering in the background. I sat cross legged at the water’s edge and closed my eyes. Tears began to trickle down my face and a slight melancholy visited me.

Not long after, I could feel a person approaching from behind. They walked up to me and paused, focusing in on me. I kept my eyes closed and did not try to hide my tears. I knew they were standing over me and I felt an energy that was gentle and calming. I looked up, opening my eyes, and could not make out their face because the sun was behind them. I smiled, though, as if I knew who the visitor was.

I heard a voice with a slight accent ask me if I was alright. The voice was audible and brought me out of my dreamy state and back into my mediation. I had not realized I had drifted into the in-between but it did not take long for me to realize one of my guides had taken advantage of the situation. I returned to the dream-scene I had created and smiled back at my guide. Only then did I recognize the place I had taken myself, an area I had visited in Mt. Shasta.

My guide continued to stand over me, only now I could feel him both in the dreamy state as well as behind my physical body in meditation. He asked me something I can’t recall and tears began to pour out of my eyes. He kept asking me questions about how I was feeling and the tears kept flowing. I remember telling him I felt like I had lost everything. He said, “Have you considered that perhaps you have in fact gained everything?” I said, “And I just have not been able to see it?” He nodded. I considered it, finding clarity for the briefest of moments, but then began to cry again because in considering it I again felt the grief and loss. He asked me to sit with the feeling, to stay in my heart. As I did the grief passed and the possibility of what he said was no longer implausible. Perhaps I have been given a gift and have just not been able to see it or appreciate it for what it is because I am still clinging to what I expected it to be?

 

 

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Earth-Quaking Energy

There is a peculiar energy today. It could be just me but my children seem to also be affected as they are restless and demanding more than usual. I also slept much later than is my norm – as did they. I love sleeping in except that I am NOT a morning person and the more I sleep, the more grumpy I am upon waking (usually).

To describe the energy is difficult but I will say that it feels like the ground beneath me is literally shifting up and down and left and right; like an earthquake is quaking under all our feet. This, I am told, is the breaking up of 3D reality and me sensing the alignment of energies of or relating to the Shift into 4/5D. It is definitely unnerving and not a feeling that I want to remain.

There have been articles by Tom Kenyon coming to my attention all at once. It is like the universe is saying, “Hey you! Look at this.” When two articles in less than 12 hours by the same author are brought to my attention – and I bother to read them both in full – this is indeed a message. lol

The first article I read was Escalation of Chaotic Nodes and the Dismantling of 3D-Reality. This article came to me yesterday right after I had been contemplating the future of mankind and my ever-increasing interest in becoming part of or helping to create a sustainable community. I was also in the midst of facing the stark contrast between what I feel my life should be like and my current reality. There has been a strong desire in me to take action for some time but the time is still not right. This makes me impatient and restless, like I feel today. Why can’t 5D just get here already!? Tom calls this “time stressed” and this is the result of trying to control circumstances in the material world rather than letting go of attachment to a particular outcome.

The other article is called Destabilization. This article answered the question I had this morning upon waking about why I have these periods of seemingly no spiritual energetic shifts and/or experiences that leave me in an eerie silence that forces me to confront aspects of my current reality that I otherwise would not. All that has previously been hidden is being revealed. NOW. There is no hiding from it anymore. “The deepest catacombs of your subconscious are being turned over like a plow cutting through a field.” So the ground literally is shifting under our feet! For me, this destabilization is manifesting in me a feeling that something is wrong, when in reality nothing is wrong. All is well.

If you have not heard of Tom Kenyon, I highly recommend checking out the above links. He also provides sound meditations free on his website. I have not had time to do more than one, but the one I did do was nice and calming and I could feel a shift within as I listened to it. There is indeed some kind of magic in his meditations.

Quake Watch

I got behind on keeping up with Suspicious Observers videos and so got caught up as I ended this post. It just so happens that today’s video is entitled “Quake Watch”.

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Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I have been in constant comm with my guide today. I woke up with him there and he has stayed close throughout the day. When I do my “check-in’s” during the day (the 5 minutes mini-meditations I was told to start doing yesterday morning), as soon as I close my eyes and focus on my third eye and heart a warmth spreads over me which originates from my heart space and spreads outward. Sometimes this warm energy, this “welcoming” energy, starts as soon as I sit down, before I even have a chance to tune in. When that happened today I actually laughed and I swear I saw him standing there in front of me with a smirk on his face.

I’ve been spending a lot more time outside than I was, too. Today while I was walking with my youngest my guide and I had a full-on communication cycle. We discussed the safeguards I put in place prior to this life and the personal guidance system, or navigation system, we all have when we incarnate in physical bodies.

Guideposts, Preparation Stages and Targets

I recalled prior knowledge of before this incarnation. It was not vivid, like a specific memory, but more of a knowing of the process that occurs before we descend into a human body, or any physical body for that matter. I saw that I practiced this life through a sort of simulation process where I enacted over and over again certain points in my life that were important – points that I did not want to get wrong, couldn’t get wrong or else I might go off course. I did not see exactly how this was done but if felt like I actually rehearsed, similar to how actors rehearse for a big production of a play. Yet I did not rehearse everything – only certain things. These specific scripts which I practiced over and over beforehand are to help guide me, acting like “guideposts” to get me to the next big “target” in my life. These targets are spread all over my life and vary. Some may even be considered inconsequential by the looks of them by an observer, but they are not. Others are more obviously big life events such as marriage, the birth of a child or graduation from college. I did not ask what mine were – I knew that was not allowed.

I was told that most of life is spent in what my guide called “the preparation stage”. With this I saw a graph depicting long plateaus with sporadic peaks in between. The plateaus are these preparation stages.  During these “down times” we have not planned specifics of our life. It is left to us to decide what to do and what direction to go. The only planned thing we do during this time is prepare for our next target. This is mostly done unconsciously either while we sleep or via our multidimensional aspects. Very little of what we actually do in physicality is important. It is, in actuality, a time of free will exploration of self. At least that is how it is for me. Some people planned their lives in more detail. I, for some reason, wanted to allow this dead time to see how I would respond to it without there seeming to be any “direction”.

For some reason at this time in my life I being allowed to view some of the background work that is being done behind the scenes. I was told point blank that I am currently in a “preparation stage”. I have no idea what I am being prepared for other than that it is my next “target”. I was reassured that I was on the correct and predetermined path I set for myself. I think perhaps my path looks like a maze made up of squiggly lines rather than a straight road!

My guide told me that during this preparation stage I will be learning how to be more in tune; integrating the spiritual and physical aspects and using them together as they were meant to function. As with all preparation stages I can decide how I want to spend my Earthly time as it makes little difference at this point in time. I’m not exactly sure how to take this news. Is it good or bad? Hmmm.

I wondered then, if I did something drastic wouldn’t it affect my life if done during this time? I was told that my navigation system would warn me if what I decided to do was too “drastic” which just basically means too far off course to be viable.

Think of it this way: We are piloting a craft, our body/life here on Earth. But we are doing so while in the dark. The only way we know that we are on course is by tuning into the built in navigation system of the craft. This was installed prior to life to our individual specifications. The system will not tell us where to go but it will tell us when we go off course. It does this by sounding “alarms”. These alarms come in many different packages from illness to dis-ease and strange life happenings that seem coincidental but are not. The more in-tune one is to this system (meaning the more you know it is there and how to use it) the better. Yes, the warning system will be heard regardless but it does not mean we will know what it means and listen. However, if you know what it means and how to tune in to determine how to stay on track then you can avoid the uncomfortable after effects of a “close call”.

Interestingly, I have been well tuned to my navigation system all my life. “It just needs some tweaks”. At least that is what my guide says. What that means I don’t know. Perhaps I just need a little less stubbornness and a little more love. 🙂

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Disengagement Brings Humility

So I guess you’ve all figured out that I have been having a huge freak-out these last few days. It’s unwarranted, really. There’s no reason other than that I was reacting to things not turning out quite how I would’ve like them to. This is a normal pattern for me. Too many losses in a short period of time and I shut down and my Ego takes over and throws a “tantrum”.

Big Fail

The biggest loss for me has been my business venture. Despite doing everything “right”, sales are very slow and I’m not reaching my goals. I don’t understand what I did wrong except that maybe I just chose the wrong product or maybe it is that too many people have discovered the business and so it is inundated with too many similar products. Whatever it is, I have accepted the loss. I am no longer as upset as I was, but I am disappointed for sure.

Too Many Expectations

I realized that I had too many grand expectations of what was to come for me spiritually once I left my job. I stupidly thought that once I eliminated the stress and wasted time of going to and from work, that it would free me up to receive more spiritual insight and have more spiritual experiences. I thought everything would kick into high gear and I would be “enlightened” further by Remembering more and connecting more intensely with my Higher Self.

How naive.

What it seems is really happening is the opposite. I left work and have more time but everything spiritually has come to a standstill, or it appears that way.

I also had a grand idea of what it would be like to teach my middle son. He has been anything but compliant. I have been having to bribe him to do “school”, which I have found is a big mistake. So I am changing tactics and so far it is working. We do “projects” together and he is much more willing to cooperate. I am finding he is much better at writing his letters than I thought and his big heart is what leads him to want to learn to do more. We spend a lot of time making cards for people he loves and playing games together. So different than I expected yet I am learning a great deal about my son and just how big his heart is.

This was what he made today:

jade

letter to jade

Sick and Disengaged

Instead of spiritual enlightenment I got a nasty cold. I am still recovering, but it is so much better. I only have a slight cough in the morning now. I realize that this illness is likely a result of incorporating the higher energies which involves much purging of the old. It is no surprise then that my Ego would throw a tantrum. It is a normal part of the process.

I forgot, of course, all of this, and so disengaged further from my Team of guides and assistants. To my Ego mind it was all “their fault” which further angered me and distanced me from them.

I stopped tuning in after waking in the mornings. Instead I was angry and withdrew. It was not that my Team was not there but that I did not want to listen or acknowledge them.

Suggestions

When I awoke this morning I was less angry and so more open. I heard instantly, “Nothing has changed but you”. I felt the energy begin to build in my back at my heart center and it suddenly stopped. Instantly I recognized that I stopped it. And I understood. They were always there; always are there. And really, nothing has changed in my life except my perception of it. It shut me down and cut me off from them.

I had heard them, too. I remember. I heard them say, “Do not resist” and I ignored them. I felt their energy many times over the past few days and I shut myself down to it. It was like I was trying to punish them – but it only served to punish me.

With this understanding I relaxed and began to accept. I was then instructed to resume my morning meditation and asked to do a type of fasting today – a liquid only diet where I drank my food. I can have dairy and veggies and fruits. This is only for today, so not a full-on cleanse and I am not completely sure why I am doing it but I will do it without resistance. I have been eating vegetarian with fish, but recently I made an entire dinner of fish with rice and veggies and when I ate the fish and rice they tasted “off” so I only ate the veggies while my kids scarfed down the entire meal. I should’ve known something was up then.

The message this morning was a reminder that right now I am learning to incorporate the spiritual into my daily life – it is learning to balance the two but its not what I had previously thought. The balance comes with continual tuning in throughout the day so as to not get swept up into the mundane which can completely shut off our spiritual lifeblood. It is like turning on and off a faucet. Right now I am being shown it is dripping, but what it should be a continual stream flowing in. To do this requires set breaks throughout the day where I shut off all distraction and tune in. It does not mean hours or even a half hour but maybe 5 to 10 minutes only. This should be scheduled in three to six times a day depending on the need. This is in addition to morning and nightly tuning in. These are not necessarily “meditation” breaks either. They are sitting quietly away from distractions (no phone, no t.v., no computer) and focusing on the third eye and heart at the same time, ideally in nature or near an open window so the sun’s rays can be felt/sensed.

With two very busy children this will be a challenge. I will see how it turns out today. I am told if I do this that I will notice my edginess lessening and my mind clearing.

It seems always that I take one step forward and two steps back. Time to step forward again.

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New Awareness – Embracing Multiple Me’s

Last night I once again did the pyramid visualization meditation before bed. This time, however, the pyramid began to spin very quickly to the right. I did not intend this, just saw it happening. It then slowed and I began to drift into the in-between.

New Awareness

I don’t know what I did in the in-between. It is like I have amnesia. I recall pictures and conversations occurring, similar to a light dream state, but that is all. What I do remember is suddenly opening my eyes and coming back to full awareness. When I did this I felt energy come in from both my left and my right. What is crazy about this is that I recognized the energy as me. In fact, I recognized it as distinct pieces of me coming in from somewhere outside of me.

At first I was nervous about it because the energy was so intense. When it returned to me it felt like it added something to me; like I grew larger because of it, but not in a bad way. The thought crossed my mind that I had just taken on another Spirit; that Spirit was piggybacking on me. Yet there was a calmness that remained with me and those thoughts just dissolved as if they were “nothing of note”.

It was then that I Remembered, or maybe I was told and it seemed like a memory, that I had been practicing in previous nights over the last week or so how to control my energy, or “essence” may be a better word. It is complex and something far above my human comprehension, but it is something my heart understands. In fact, when I Remembered these “sessions” I felt assured that whatever I just experienced was not to be feared but to be embraced. I was re-learning an important skill that had been lost.

The feeling of being “broken up” and then reconstituted was the beginning stages of these lessons. Now instead of feeling hundreds of pieces I feel only a few. What is most interesting is that in these few I recognized them to all be me. It was like I could transfer into any of them and have a different perspective, similar to the OBE where I met myself and did exactly that.

Visions and Dreams

In my sleep and in-between states after that I received messages, some not so good by the looks of them.

Recruits

In one in-between flash of a vision, I was presented with a long list. The top of the list had the title, “Recruits”. As I read it, I woke fully from my reverie and was a bit startled. I had an instant memory of the messages I had received about there being spiritual soldiers sent to Earth to help. Was this that list of soldiers?

Burning Earth

I awoke from a disturbing semi-lucid dream. I clearly recall being embraced in silken-looking, translucent white wings or petals. They wrapped around me and I called them by a name which I cannot remember now. They were not connected to a person, but appeared to be part of a system of transport into space. In fact, I was floating in space and looking down at Earth. Except Earth was not its normal beautiful green and blue with swirls of white. No. This Earth appeared to be molten lava, a swirling mass of red and black. It was horrifying yet I was not horrified.

Rescue Capsule

I had a detailed dream in which I was a teacher with students. The students had discovered a room and gone into it without permission. I found them and went inside this room. Yet when I went inside, the room was not a room at all but a tall, cone-shaped capsule with stairs that spiraled upward. The student had gone up the stairs and I had to get them down. I explained that this capsule was only for use in emergencies. It was meant to evacuate and not a playground. I was very serious but the students were not.

I remember the capsule very clearly. It was made of a silver metal and there was paneling, some of which contained controls and buttons. I remember when I looked up the stairs that it was not time to go “up”, yet that going up those stairs meant freedom, or at least something better than what was down below.

butterflySo Many Questions

My third-eye continues to blaze, though not all day now. It seems to come on suddenly without warning, and then tones down.

There is also ear ringing that comes on suddenly as well. Last night I had ear ringing and distinctly felt the presence of Spirit to my left. She knelt down and put her hand on my left arm and asked, “Do you see me?” I told her, “No. I’m sorry. I can only feel you”. I did not try to continue the conversation for I was about to meditate and did not want the distraction.

All these strange changes and energy experiences have left me with so many questions. I don’t understand what is happening and I want to know. I ask questions in meditation and then I have the strange visions and dreams. I was told that I needed to be able to transfer 50% of myself into something, what it is I am not sure. I saw it, but forgot most of it as I became startled by it. However, this transfer of Self is why I am practicing the manipulation of my essence (can’t really adequately describe it).

I am surprised I have not convinced myself that I am crazy with all this going on. I am actually fascinated, especially by the experience I had last night of being three me’s all at once. It felt so natural and normal – yet it wasn’t, at least not to this part of me.

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Pyramid Meditation and Experience

As predicted in a message I received over a week ago, the 20th brought about yet another strange energy experience.

Pyramid Meditation

I have been reading Dolores Cannon’s Convoluted Universe Book 1 and am nearing the end of it. In one of the chapters there is discussion about how to balance chakras using a pyramid to help funnel the energy into the solar plexus which then balances out one’s whole energy system. This was in conjunction with information on how to manifest in the physical.

Since I had just read about it, I decided to try it as I did my nightly meditation.

The directions are simple:

Relax in your normal meditative position (mine is laying down with head propped on pillow).

Focus on your third-eye chakra while envisioning yourself laying in the center of a giant pyramid. Position yourself 1/3 of the way from the bottom, or base, of the pyramid.

When I did this, I immediately went into the in-between. I mean immediately! There was no time of clearing my mind or deep breathing. As soon as I saw myself inside the pyramid I went elsewhere. I don’t know where I went, but I went fast. So fast that I had this strange energy seemingly come at me with such force that I immediately came back from wherever I had been thinking, “What the hell!?”

The energy was that same energy as I had the night of this blog post. BUT this time the energy was not scary and did not shake me up. It felt more normal and balanced, like I had gained control of it somehow.

It is the oddest energy I have ever felt and I have felt some pretty weird energy! It felt like I was in a million pieces and then converged back into one whole piece. It’s like I am shattered, splitting into different aspects of myself and then reassembled.

The majority of the energy sensation was centered around my head this time. So this may be why I was less shaken.

Explanation

Of course, upon coming out of this strange experience, I went back to the pyramid meditation. This time there was no immediately departure but I think it is because I was looking for the experience. I did have an odd energy traveling through my body. What is interesting is that it did center around my solar plexus!

I requested an explanation but rather than a direct answer, I ended up going elsewhere again.

The memory of what occurred is mostly lost to me now. Again, it was like it was siphoned off before I had a chance to remember it in full. What I do remember is going from one “Me” to another; back and forth, back and forth. I also recall not being alone but having a man with me who was completely white. I don’t remember details of his face but I remember he had human form and facial characteristics.

The energy that went with this movement between “Me’s” is what brought me back to my body. I checked the clock and it was 10:30pm. I had expected much later as I had settled into meditation at 9:40pm. So the time from my pyramid experience to waking from the next experience was less than an hour!

When I finally came back to full, physical body awareness I remember seeing the White man. He was standing next to a smaller White person. They reminded me of statues they were so still. This visual actually shocked me enough to cause me to completely forget what immediately preceded the vision.

Mostly what I recall is the feeling of moving. It was the same strange energy of breaking apart and reassembling. What is odd is that I did not have fear and it felt like it was systematic – go to point A, then B, then C  and then repeat. Could the pyramid have caused this strange movement?

Messages

I returned to sleep but woke several times in the night, each time thinking I had slept longer than I had.

I had several messages during this time:

The number 6 repeated itself. Angel number 6 has to do with maintaining balance between spiritual and physical.

The number 114 repeated itself enough to wake me up, the number still very clear in my mind. Angel number 114 says that if one uses caution and wisdom they will be successful in business and money matters and life in general. This goes well with my thoughts from last night as I kept thinking of my business.

Dream: Slaughtered Cats

Upon waking the last time this morning, I recalled a vivid dream in which I was inside a mobile home cooking dinner. The stove wouldn’t work and the bread was stale. I was with an old man whom I was suppose to marry. He kept asking me what boy’s names I liked, as if we were going to have a baby.

I left, feeling weird about the whole thing, and as I left saw that the house was made of glass and had a specific entry and exit separated by glass.

When I went out of the home, there was a maze-like walkway with walls waist high. The first thing I saw was carnage and fur. Upon closer inspection it was massacred cats. Some were still alive but they were eating the dead cats!

I walked past the cats and went into a hallway that turned into a school. I remember meeting up with some people and telling them, “It’s safe. I made it that way” and seeing all kinds of tarps and posters up in the halls. Though I couldn’t read them, I knew they had messages or invocations that made it safe.

I’m not sure what the dream implies but it was very odd. I have never seen slaughtered cats like this. Most of them were black, too. Maybe I am overcoming some bad luck? 🙂

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Remember

I meditated twice yesterday. Once in the afternoon and once prior to bed last night. While doing so, my Companion was close and communicative, helping me focus in on my heart center.

During the afternoon meditation I had several conversations, but almost all were lost to me upon coming out of my reverie. The only thing I remember hearing is something about the “Christ consciousness” and how I was not accepting or absorbing it. After this meditation concluded, my heart space almost hurt it was pulling so strongly. I also felt energy movement in my second chakra.

The evening meditation was quite different. I recall hearing some very profound things from my Companion but the specific wording is lost to me now. One of the messages was that I needed to communicate my true Self to others. I got with this message a feeling of “lack of fulfillment” and lingering fear. The message was clear that if I did not open myself up to new experiences, take risks and explore the multitudinous opportunities provided by the physical universe, I would not expand beyond my current position.

During this in-between state my Companion began to ask me what I felt when I focused on my heart. I immediately stated, “I am a walk-in” and there was no doubt in my mind. I said it a few more times, feeling it out as if I needed convincing of my own Knowingness. Memories flooded my mind, memories of when the walk-in could have happened. I became confused in trying to locate when this event occurred and asked to be shown what I had obviously forgotten. My Companion told me more was coming and that it would be “intense”.

As I lay in meditation I became distracted by an intense itch inside my left ear. If you have ever had your ear itch then you know how impossible it is to scratch the inside of your ear! This itching came about as soon as I put in my earplugs, so those were out the entire night. Eventually the itch went away.

When I finally settled down to sleep and began to drift off, I heard my Companion say, “Remember”. This brought me to full awareness and I asked him, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Remember who you are”. I was covered in wonderful, calming energy when he said this, and soon after drifted off to sleep.

Energy Swap

I awoke feeling disoriented and worried. I had memory of something that I cannot describe with any precision. This “something” seemed to be in my past but also seemed to have just happened. It is hard to pinpoint when the event occurred as it seemed to be something from the past but also to be happening in the Now.

Upon waking my Companion was close and I was struggling to make sense of the event, going over the memory of it in my mind but unable to fully process it. I will try to describe what I remember happening the best I can, but it is hard.

What stands out to me the most of the energy contained in this experience. I felt to be split into various parts but aware of all of these parts. There also was another presence that was pure consciousness like me, but separate from me. This consciousness and I seemed to change places – each part of me changed places with corresponding parts of this other consciousness. The experience of it was a swirling of energy and a shifting up and down and back and forth. It was almost as if I were being shaken very vigorously. This is unlike the vibrations I have felt as this was pieces of me shifting very quickly, exchanging energy and then shooting back almost like the protons, neutrons and electrons of an atom. In fact, the atom is probably the perfect analogy here.

My disorientation here had me frantically looking for reference points to reestablish my link with reality. I searched my memory and found myself quickly, which was a relief. Yet I was still very worried about what had happened and trying to figure it all out so that it made sense to me.

Remember

I was quickly calmed by my Companion and when I asked him what was happening this is what he told me, “In the inside, there is chaos. We will fix this and we will thrive. Remember who you are”.

When I heard this I felt odd. Again I cannot describe it but I will say that I felt urged to write down his message, which I did immediately. I then wrote down what I knew to be a “trigger” word – “Remember”. Knowing this was a “trigger” did not help me as I wondered, “Trigger to what?” No answer came but memories of all the times I have heard my Companion say this words and phrases containing this word flooded my memory.

“Do you not remember me?”

“Remember who you are”.

“I am the part that Remembers. You are the part that Forgets”.

“Remember”

Overwhelmed, I began to try and focus on something else, anything else. My body was the most obvious place to focus and I instantly recognized a shooting pain in my left ear. Interestingly, I knew the pain in my ear was related. How? I don’t know.

I then began to rationalize the experience as just a part of the ear pain. Perhaps the disorienting feeling was an upsetting of my body’s equilibrium? This could explain the feeling.

“That’s all it is”, I told myself. And with that, I distanced myself from the experience and fell asleep.

This morning I feel normal, though I think I have an ear infection, and the memory of what happened last night seems a dream. Yet I know it was not, is not. There is more, so much more, that I will not write it here as it would make the post too long and it is already way too long.

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Breaking the Cycle

It has become clear to me over the past few days that I am the only thing that stands between myself and everything I have ever wanted. I have been the one who has caused all the pain and misery, discomfort and disharmony in my life. It is not what others have done to me, it is what I have done to me. It is the pain I have directed outward and inward. Everything I do to others I also do to myself. Each critical remark, each bitter comment and judgment slashes away at my inner beauty, marring it with ugliness and spite.

I have wandered blindly through life after life on this planet, unable to hear my own voice through the muddle of thoughts and the unsettling emotions that rise with them. I have used my mind to view life. I have used words to define my reality. I have ignored my heart and in that I have ignored myself.

Music

I sit here listening to the most beautiful angelic voices singing in a language I do not understand and I feel calmed. It is not an internal music, but merely the local classical music station. I have added music back into my life. I realized just how much I missed it.

Music, like many of the pleasures I have denied myself this lifetime, is probably the most uplifting of those things in life that we have access to. Music brings our vibration up. It allows us to remember ourselves and that is very precious. We should all listen to music as often as we can and sing it even more often. Singing itself raises our vibration and allows us to flow out of our hearts. Try it. Sing and let yourself get carried away. You will feel an energy in your heart and you will fill with joy. That is what music is: joy. That is also what we are.

With music we Remember.

I am Listening – Breaking the Cycle

I have made a conscious decision to listen, to view life from my heart rather than from my mind. It will take some time, some learning, to do this, but I know I can do it.

The more I tune into my heart, the more I realize I need to make some changes in my life. Just this morning I awoke from the deepest slumber I have had since this past Spring. Upon waking I heard, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I am very familiar with this quote by Albert Einstein. And I knew that I needed to listen to the changes my Higher Self was encouraging me to make. I had been ignoring the messages, hoping I would not have to change but the very act of ignoring them distances me from myself and made me that much more deaf.

Some changes are easy, some are not. I listed them a while back but it is just now that I am doing them.

The main change I am being asked to make is to stop my workout routine. I have been asked to decrease my cardio activity to only walking and doing yoga. I am to stop lifting weights and doing the interval training and circuits I do three times a week. When I ask why, it is explained to me that I have been focusing too much on my physical body, its shape and appearance. What I need to do is focus upon balancing my energy, calming my mind and increasing my connection to my Higher Self. Walking and yoga will help me achieve this as will any exercise that brings me closer to nature.

Another change I am being asked to make is to open up to my spiritual gifts once again. It is not that I am being asked to jump head first back into readings, but rather to allow myself to be drawn to those in need and to ask of them, “What can I do to help you?” All I can do is follow the feeling and then present myself to them with open arms. It is up to them if they will accept my offer of help. I have already been drawn in this way to another. It was quite a surprise to me and I did not hesitate to offer my help. I am told this will continue to occur. If I listen then I will find much satisfaction in doing the service I am here to do. It is that simple.

Music, art and other creative outlets are also an area I am asked to bring back into my life. There has been imbalance in my life because I have not allowed myself to create. We by nature create, manifest, all the time. To limit this in ourselves is to snuff out our flame, to make life dark and suppressive. Each day I have been asked to sing, listen to music, or both. I have also been asked to find other outlets that will help me express what I feel, who I am. I have chosen painting because I have always wanted to be able to paint what I see behind my eyelids when I sleep, travel OOB or when I meet my Higher Self. My husband is a great artist and musician. I have asked him to help me paint what I have seen. I believe together we can create amazing art that expresses so much more than words ever could.

Here is one of my husbands’ works of art. He painted this from a photo of me and my daughter. He is very good at painting and drawing the human form.

baby

Cuddle Time, oil on canvas, 2008.

I have been asked also to meditate and do yoga daily. This includes self-healing, using essential oils to help with grounding and balancing my chakras, and learning to live through my heart. Each day I am asked to do something different when it comes to meditation and yoga. For example, I am led to read certain books which send me in the direction I need to go at that particular time. Most recently I have been led to read a book on chakras which taught me a tapping technique to help with physical discomfort and imbalance in my body. For the past two nights I have integrated the tapping with my meditation and self-healing and have noticed results, especially with the tension and discomfort in my physical body. Each day I am also led to do a different yoga video. Just last night I did a Kundalini/Hatha blend yoga for 42 minutes. So far, Kundalini and Hatha yoga are the two types I am most drawn to.

Finally, I am being asked to be more aware of what I eat and put into my body. Specifically, (and I am embarrassed to say) I am being asked to stop smoking in the evening. I have done this for as long as I can remember since awakening to my spiritual gifts. At first it was to help with the anxiety I experienced and then it just became something I did for myself since it seemed like so much of my day was spent doing things for others. I stopped many times, every time I was pregnant and for many years at a time. I was able to easily quit whenever I wanted. I know I can stop anytime as this is not a physical addition, it is a mental one. I am having the most difficulty stopping this particular bad habit. I do not smoke much – one to two cigarettes a night. Yet I am told this is too much and that it will interfere with my transformation. As long as I continue to do it, the progress will slow and eventually stop. So I will be quitting. I am told it will be today. lol I guess it is then.