Tag Archives: Memories

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Why I am my Mother’s Daughter

Interesting between life recall last night.

My family went out to my mom’s for dinner last night. It turned out very well and was a nice evening. When I got home and was winding down to sleep, I was going over the night’s events, thinking of my mom, and suddenly began to imagine telling her things I should’ve when I was there. I often do this, going over past and even future moments and how I could enhance them by saying or doing things differently. So, I was telling my mom some things I think she needed to hear. I said to her (in my mind), “Mom, I’m so proud of you! You’re a good mom. You’ve done really good as my mom in this life.” Interestingly, I had a sudden flash of what I can only describe as memory when I wondered to myself, “Why did I want to say that to mom?”

The memory was of a visual from above of a young women who was very distraught. She was saying to herself, “I’m not a good mother. I want to be a good mother…” I could feel everything she was feeling. Then I heard myself say to her, “You’ll be okay. I’ll help you.” I don’t know if she actually heard me or not. 

The memory was so quick that I almost didn’t think anything of it, but there was a sense in my heart that it was something that actually happened. I believe I witnessed my mother at some point in her youth, maybe after the birth of my older sister, and answered her call for help. My intention being to come down and help her be “a good mother” because she was so distraught and struggling with the difficult task ahead, specifically with my sister who was a colicky child. My mom has told me horror stories of her time as a brand new mother with a colicky baby who seemed to never stop crying. My dad would be off working and she would be alone, in an unfamiliar city (they were in New Jersey), a new mother, with no family around for support. She told me about her struggles and how, at that time, she had visions of throwing her baby (my older sister) against the wall just so the crying would stop. She was exhausted and needed help but had none. 

I had a between life memory years ago in an OBE where I was in “heaven” in front of a curved screen going through what my life would be. I remember feeling “called” down to Earth after the birth of my older sister. The feeling was absolutely inescapable. I was going “down” and was nervously apprehensive. I wonder now if part of the call I answered was witnessing the struggle my mom was going through and somehow seeing her struggle solidified my decision to incarnate? 

Regardless, it seemed like my imagined conversation with my mom at bedtime unlocked a deeper reason for me being in this life, one that helps me better understand the relationship I have with my mom. We’ve always had a strong connection. 

I was a good baby according to her – quiet, content, and super easy compared to my older sister. Maybe I was that way to show her that mothering could be enjoyable, easy and natural? 

I also recognized when I stopped feeling like my mom and sister were “safe”. A memory came to mind from when I was around 7-8 yrs old. I remember both of them coming into the bathroom and my mom telling my sister to help her hold me down over the toilet. Then my mom put soap in my mouth (Irish Spring, I can still taste it) and literally “washed” it out, reminding me not to say bad words. I have no idea what bad words I said but I do remember feeling completely betrayed by both of them. What was the worst part is that they were both laughing at my distress. So, my guess is that when the two of them are together I go on alert and am super suspicious of being betrayed again. That is how I am. When my trust is broken it is nearly impossible for the person to win it back. 

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Dream of Past Life?

Woke up sick this morning. 😦 So far it seems to be a head cold. The good news? My eyes are watering so much that I have no symptoms of dry eye. Ha!

Anyway, cool dreams between bouts of coughing and snot. One seems like a past life memory.

Dream-Reverse Discrimination 

Woke up crying from a dream. In it, I had arrived to a running event and was waiting to be given a partner. At first, I was the only woman but then two black women showed up one after the other. When the first arrived she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge I existed. She was a fast runner and I told to coach that I would try to keep up but eventually give up and walk. The second one was nicer but wanted to partner with the first one. I finally confronted the first one, asking her if she had an issue with me and to tell me. She wouldn’t look at or answer me. I told her I couldn’t fix what it was if I didn’t know what it was. She finally answered me when I asked what I’d done. She said, “I don’t know.” I finally realized it was that I was white and so said, “Is it because I’m blonde and blue eyed?” She didn’t answer and looked down. I said, “Sounds like reverse discrimination to me.” She got irritated but still looked away. The other girl was talking and questioned me about it. I told her that if I had a choice I would look just like her, that I thought black women were beautiful and I had always wished I looked like them. I gently took her face in my hands and told her she was beautiful, looking her deep in the eyes. I said this over and over, tears streaming down my face. Then I put my hand on her heart and said, “You have a big heart.” I was still crying as I was telling her this. She finally let down her guard and started crying then hugged me tight. We cried in each other’s arms. I woke up. 

Note: In this life I’ve always found black women beautiful and had a deep sympathy for what they endure in life. In a recent past life (died in 1963) I was a black woman living in Louisiana who endured domestic violence but went on to become a nurse and live a long, productive life as a single mother. I was very religious and got my strength from the black community, women specifically, who supported one another through thick and thin.

Dream-Indentured

Later, I returned to a dream with the two black women. I was a white maid who had been acquired as a young girl (orphan) and was working out my indentured servitude. Mostly I recall how the two women and I were like sisters. I loved them dearly. I remember watching the master and mistress arrive home in their car (older model, like 1900’s) and they had their two daughter’s sitting in the front seat (it was like a carriage more than a car). Both were blonde like me. I mentioned how grown up they looked but we knew they were very young still. The oldest was trying to look like a grown woman but was only in her early teens. She had braided her hair and I remember touching mine and knowing I looked a wreck. I said I should’ve braided mine and one of my sisters laughed and made a joke about how I couldn’t braid. We all giggled. I got a glimpse of myself at that time and I was plain and light skinned, with hair frizzy but combed neatly.

As the dream ended I realized the girls were my daughters and I had birthed many children for the master, all resembling me except one, the son, who resembled him. The wife had no choice but to claim them. Weird! Was this a past life recall? IDK.

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Healing Work – Dream: My Painting

Behind-the-scenes work is being done and I am being allowed to remember it. This kind of work I am open to, but it has been a long time since I have done this kind of self-healing.

Dream: My Painting

My dreams last night were near lucid. In fact, in one particular part of a long dream sequence I recall being very aware very suddenly of walking down a crowded street. I remember wondering, “Where am I?” and seeing in my mind as I walked a map of the United States zoomed in on Louisiana.

The city I was in was large and there were people walking towards me. I looked at their faces as I walked. I remember thinking, “I am going to meet someone. I am going to meet someone”, but I had no clue who that person was, only that it was a man.

The street I was on seemed narrow and the buildings older than present time. I tried to wrap my mind around the situation but it was hard. I was dreaming and the dream kept overcoming me and my memories would seem to split into little mini-movie screens in my mind. I will recount what I remembered after I finish retelling this dream.

I made it to my destination which was a very tall, sand-colored building that stood much higher than the other very gray, concrete and mortar buildings of the city. It’s surface was smooth and it was shaped like a closed flower – a tulip or lotus – and the tip reached high into the sky.

I don’t know how I entered but the next thing I knew I was inside the building walking along the halls looking for the person in charge. I knew I was in a building of higher education, like an administration building but only in that the people inside monitored a large, intricate system of learning.

I met the man and we walked to hallways. He led me to an alcove where there was a curtain obscuring my view of something behind it. He said, “I still have your painting” and he opened up the curtains and revealed a large oil painting. I was relieved. They still had it. My painting. I looked at it but could only see small portions of it. It was as if it was divided into smaller paintings like a comic strip or story board. I remember seeing various scenes but none of them were familiar. All were in vivid color and depicted normal, daily life activities and important events.

The dream shifted dramatically then, as if I went into the painting but there was no experience of shifting. I was inside a small, barren, stone room with a man. He was older and kind of fat. I sat and knew I was a woman and dressed in clothing that is not of my current time period. It reminded me of the Civil War era.

He offered me a drink and I took the clear bottle in my hand and poured the amber colored liquid. I took a drink. I remember thinking I should not drink as I had a long trip ahead of me.

Then I was shifted again and I was the partner or perhaps mistress of this man. He abused me and I was complaining to someone about him. I remember that I was upset because he asked the servants to give me breakfast for dinner.

Then I was staring at him face to face. Both of us looked as if we had been beaten. Perhaps we had fought? I was allowed to leave, so I did.

The dream shifted again and I was walking in the woods somewhere higher in elevation than I had been. I was on the edge of a hill and slipped a bit which caused me to notice a man standing at the treeline. When I saw him, I went to him and the entire woodland area disappeared and a golden color replaced it.

I saw the man and embraced him and felt such desire overcome me that I could not breathe. I communicated without words to this man who agreed to be with me and I remember feeling his skin against mine as we embraced and kissed.

Afterward

I awoke with my root and second chakra blazing. I felt my guide close and heard, “Parallel life”.  Of course, I wanted to return to sleep, but it was too late. I asked when this life was and was told, “1868”. I knew it was in Louisiana so I thought, “Reconstruction?”

Confused for a moment, I thought back on my dream. I have re-experienced two lives that fit into this era. One in which I was a man in San Fransisco and another where I was a woman in the Midwest. I was confused because the time period of the dream fit with the life when I was a man, yet I clearly was not a man in the dream.

There were tidbits of something else intermixed with the experience. I remember discussing something prior to becoming lucid in the dream. I was in an office sitting at a desk and discussing things with a man both in person and via chat on a computer. I remember discussing a painting and him saying, “You were so into that painting that you worked on it for 10 years”. I remember seeing a painting in its entirety. It was a scene of some explorers looking down on a valley. There were five of them, only one was a woman. I remember the title had “America” in it, but that is all.

In remembering these things, I knew that I had been taken somewhere while I slept. It was like I went to a place of learning; a place where records were kept. I was shown my lives, like a review, and asked to consider the lessons I had learned and those that I had not let go of because of their connection with “human desire”.

The life where I was a man was a miserable one. I had been married and left her behind to go West. There I had very strong sexual urges and could not resist them. I continually “sinned” and then tried to drink away my guilt and shame. I ended up dying from my alcohol addiction a very sad man.

The life where I was a woman was after my life as a man. I had been molested by my father and ran away at a young age. I ended up prostituting myself. I experienced much inner conflict because I had not expected to enjoy my work – but I did. Every time I slept with a man I enjoyed it but I could not get the image of my father and his treatment of me out of my mind. My thoughts were that if I enjoyed sex then I must have enjoyed sex with my father, which I hadn’t and which had caused me much pain and suffering. So I rejected my enjoyment and desire because it was the only way I could deal with the conflict inside me.

Two lives with the same conflict under different circumstances. Why was I being shown this?

I know I have absolutely no desire for sexual connections at this time in my life. I feel a-sexual in a way. It just isn’t there yet in my dreams it is. When I saw the man in the woods (clearly my guide) the desire that I felt was intense, almost like a drug. When I awoke I thought of it and how such a feeling can really mess up a person’s life if they chose to give into it. Am I trying now, in my current life, to avoid making what I feel is a “mistake” by blocking all desire? Interesting.

I suppose it will be revealed in time. I do know that these two lives seem never to stop coming up. Sigh.

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Symptoms of Adjustment

I believe the “bone aches” or “body aches” have begun along with some other strange sensations and symptoms.

Throat Movement

Last night when meditating prior to sleep, I felt a new strange sensation. It felt like something was moving around underneath my skin. Like a ball of energy or a knot of something dense. It rolled around and I kept getting images in my mind of a tiny creature trapped under my skin trying to get out. It occurred at the site of my throat chakra and covered the entire area from my collarbone to my chin.

As soon as I noticed it, I got the heebie-jeebies (that’s what I call them). Basically I cringed. I wanted to move but I had a feeling I needed to focus on the feeling and allow it to run its course. I swallowed and felt no change. My body in that small area was literally moving!

Thankfully, it lasted no more than a few minutes. Had it lasted longer that I would have assumed I was dreaming an episode of Fringe. This is by far the most bizarre of all the manifestations yet!

Body Shaking

As the strange throat movement began to subside, I could feel my physical body literally shaking. It was subtle but enough for me to notice. I thought it strange but remembered I had felt it before, though not as intense. The sensation was similar to being in some kind of car that was idling really, really rough.

Ear Ringing

As I was becoming accustomed to the shaking (it really wasn’t scary, just weird), both of my ears began to ring. It was such a high pitch that I almost didn’t notice it except that it felt like there was pressure building in my ears similar to what one feels when going up in an airplane or deep under water. As soon as I noticed it, it diminished considerably. I believe it was because I sent out a thought saying, “Really? Can I go to sleep now?”

Strange Body Ache

As I tried to get comfortable and sleep, I found it near impossible to stay in one place. When I lay on my back, I had this itch to move along with a very uncomfortable feeling in the right side of my body. It was almost like I had restless leg syndrome just in my entire side.

When I lay on either side it was the same. The only time it seemed bearable was when I lay on my stomach.

Ache is not exactly the right word but it works in this instance. The feeling reminded me of trapped energy that made this area of my body feel achy if I didn’t move it. One time when I made myself stay still, the feeling intensified and then seemed to spread out and then diminish. I think this is why I was finally able to sleep.

Time Hiccup

At one point I “awoke” needing to use the restroom. I looked at the clock and it said 10:35pm. “That can’t be”, I thought. I swear it had been hours and hours. Yet I could not recall even falling asleep! In fact, I don’t know where the heck I had been in that hour since I fell asleep. Wait. Did I even fall asleep? I don’t think so. WTF?

There was a strange feeling accompanying this time hiccup. A feeling that I had been somewhere and done something. Amnesia? That is what it felt like. I knew something had happened but I had only blank space where it should have been in my mind.

The only other time this has happened to me was in 1989.

Interrupted Sleep

I awoke so many times last night, I have lost count. Every time I woke up it felt like I had not even slept. Yet the clock showed it had been a couple of hours since my last waking. I again could not remember what I had been doing in that span of time. I knew I had been asleep, though. At least it wasn’t total amnesia!

Memories

Throughout the day yesterday I had random memories surface from this life. Most of them were memories from this lifetimes. Memories associated with pain and upset, all of which I have inspected many, many times. This, I believe, is part of the purging.

  • Memory of when my best friend in high school began acting strangely and disassociating from me. Specifically when she refused to acknowledge me at lunch and sat with a group two levels below us. I sensed she was doing this purposefully and chose to sit alone. This happened for many weeks at the end of Senior year. At the time I was not “hurt” but went to a “safe place” in my mind, convincing myself that I was happy to be alone. Compartmentalization.
  • Memory of my first year in college during registration. My best friend and I had decided to go to the same college. When I saw her there she pretended she didn’t know me and brushed me off.
  • Memory of what it felt like to be married to my ex. It felt alien – like another person was in my body living that life. Yet I could feel what I felt like then. I felt lost and incomplete. So weird!
  • Recognition that I “removed” myself from emotionally intense situations. I did this by denying there was emotion or even a problem.

Little emotion accompanied these memories. Even when I tried to make the emotion come (such as with the first memory), I could not. I asked specifically to be allowed to view the first memory and what led up to it so I could view other viewpoints and see how others perceived me at that time. I have yet to be shown this (that I know of).

Messages

I asked this morning to project and knew that I couldn’t. The reason why was, “You are adjusting”. I asked how long this would take and was told, “One day”. I didn’t believe it.

I kept seeing notes written to me in my in-between states as I was dozing this morning. I also received messages about my progress: 2 of 5 (2/5), 3 of 5 (3/5) and 2 of 10 (2/10). Not sure what these signify.

I asked if the next activation was coming and was told yes. I asked if it would affect me and was told yes. It is to occur in October.

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Rejection of Mankind

I had a very healing sleep last night. It was full of dreams but I won’t go into detail on them. Instead I want to elaborate upon the realization I awoke with.

Rejection of Mankind

As usual, I did not want to get out of bed when I awoke and my Companion was close and prompting a “review” of the night’s events.

I recalled many dreams in which I was observing today’s youth and intercepting them when they did unacceptable things. This recollection rekindled the deep loss which I suffered during my long stent working with juvenile detention and alternative youth programs. The rejection of my attempts to help was a huge loss for me since that was my purpose for being there. To have your purpose thwarted day in and day out eventually tears you down to a point of apathy in regards to that purpose.

In recognizing this loss I also saw that I had come to many conclusions about mankind:

  • Mankind is hopeless and cannot be saved.
  • Mankind is more bad than good.
  • Mankind is lazy and selfish.
  • Mankind will choose the easy route over the hard one.

Ultimately, I decided I do not like human beings and rejected being one.

Upon analysis, I spotted it: In rejecting mankind, I rejected myself and limited my ability to take part in the wonderful aspects of being human. I slowly disconnected myself from all that it is to be human and in doing this closed myself off from the human aspect of myself.

Because ultimately all that I concluded about mankind, I also concluded about myself:

  • I am hopeless and cannot be saved.
  • I am more bad than good.
  • I am lazy and selfish.
  • I will choose the easy route over the hard one.

Such beliefs sabotage one’s ability to create because it is these beliefs that form one’s reality.

I also recognized that in rejecting mankind, I also rejected my children, my husband and my family; thus, isolating myself even more.

When I searched deeper I saw the pain I was attempting to hide from: If I cannot help the younger generation, how can I help my own children? How can I save them from the evils of being a part of the human race?

My failure and subsequent loss related to working with today’s youth transferred to my own children in my mind. Additionally, it transfers to my current counseling position in that I do not expect those I work with to get better and so I do not put forth the effort I once put forth in my earlier days.

In my earlier days I believed in each and every one of the kids I worked with. To me, they were all special and exceptional. In contrast, when I look at the children I work with now, all I see is their faults and not their potential.

Solution: Return of Purpose

The solution to this dilemma is simple: return to a point in time when I was having great wins and fulfilling my purpose. “Return” here means to go back to a moment where I felt accomplished and relive it in as much detail as I can. Do this over and over until there is a realization.

Since I have yet to do this, I am not sure how it works exactly but it makes sense. It does not undo all the loss I have experienced. This will have to be dealt with on its own. When this will occur, I don’t know, but it will at some point. I cannot continue to live without purpose; numb to experience and to others.

It is clear to me that this is where lies the disconnect between my upper and lower chakras.

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Unexpected Life Review

My husband has this weird habit of playing songs that my ex use to play all the time. When I ask him why he plays it, he says, “I like it”. Yet, most of the time he plays music we both like. So, him playing this music is out of character for him.

The music he plays comes from the exact albums my ex use to play over and over again when we were married. Specifically he plays George Strait, Amarillo by Morning (my ex’s all-time favorite song) and Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson songs. Last night he chose to play Merle Haggard Greatest Hits which was one my ex played frequently on our long commutes between Bozeman and Helena, MT.

When I heard the album playing songs I knew by heart, images began to flash through my mind of long ago. I was hit suddenly with these images and seemed unable to remove them from my mind. Mostly, I was seeing the mountains and grandeur of Montana, the houses I use to live in, and the routes to an from places we frequented. The detail was amazing!

There was also a memory of who I was at that time and she was so alien to me as was her actions and reactions to life. She was so selfish, angry and dark. I wondered to myself, “Why was I like that?” There came along with all this memory a deep regret for my lack of enjoying that part of my life and the immense beauty of the places in which I lived.

My memories then shifted to my childhood and images of the places I lived and the things I did began to pour in. These were less alien to me and there was little connection at all to the memory of my childhood. I remember visiting these childhood places while OOB and wondered, “Why do I not visit Montana when OOB?” I didn’t know.

Eventually I began to feel overwhelmingly hot. There was no sweat, either, just a core heat that seemed to radiate out from my center. This came and then went only to come back again. The memories of my life were still repeating and there was a question that came often with them, “Can you let it go?” There was also a statement I recall hearing, “Accept the Old you and the New you will be all that remains”.

Eventually, the memories stopped coming and I was able to just listen to the music as music. I even sang along to it while I cradled my youngest in my arms to help him get to sleep. I felt extremely tired and nearly fell asleep with him.

September 2002

I want to briefly discuss a memory that came while all this review was occurring. It was from the morning in which I woke to a voice telling me, “Get out now”. There was a discussion of this time in my life and a flash of memory of the months preceding this incident.

I had been extremely depressed for months. The depression had been there before but this was a very low, heavy kind of blackness. During this time I chose various outlets to relieve my depression. One of them was music. I went out and bought a guitar and taught myself to play it. I then composed songs. It was through these songs that I received help and my first “messages”. I didn’t know that was what it was at the time. I did keep a journal but did not write about these experiences for some reason. I wish I had.

This depression was so bad that thoughts of suicide were almost constantly on my mind. I did not tell anyone this, though. I kept it hidden and knew I would not have the courage to go through with it. I often prayed for God to end my life for me – freak accident or something like that. Of course, that never happened. I got very close to taking action toward ending my life, but couldn’t do it. It felt so very selfish and wrong. I don’t remember now my thoughts exactly but there was a feeling that a solution was coming.

Having these memories return made me wonder if perhaps a solution had come via that voice. Was there some kind of walk-in experience then? It seems very possible, even likely. I woke up to a voice telling me what to do and I didn’t question it. That was unlike the old me.

After I heard the voice, I left my husband within a week and found a new job within a month. Within four months I had done my first-ever meditation which seemed to activate something within me and within two months of that I quit the job I had just gotten, moved away, changed my name and changed everything about my life and my persona. The life I left behind did not feel like mine. It still feels that way. All of these actions are classic signs of a walk-in.

Even though I am now going through something very different than back then, I wonder if perhaps a similar process is happening?

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Sudden Past Life Memory

My left leg was aching and both legs were restless. I also felt such a heavy weariness come over me that I could not ignore. I went upstairs and got in bed, covering my eyes to help ease the headache I had all day.

I had to change positions several times because my leg kept throbbing with a strange electrical pulsing pain. I wondered briefly if it was sciatica but the thought passed quickly as I fell into the happy bliss of the in-between.

Paralyzed

It was then that I was aware of being in a house with several other people. I was in a wheelchair being wheeled around and could see the brown wood of the structure I was in. There was a door immediately in front of me and I was talking to my brother, mother and father who were huddled around me. I was also very aware that I was a man and the fact that I could not move my legs.

I began to wake up in the midst of talking with my family and when I did I struggled to determine which reality was real. Was the dream what was really happening? Or was it me, laying in bed, that was real?

I opened my eyes and still struggled to determine where I was, who I was and what was going on. My legs were not hurting, though, and I think this is what ultimately brought me back to reality.

Early 1800s

Once I was able to locate myself in present time, I thought about my “dream” and knew instantly that it was no dream. I had remembered a past life. A past life where I had been hurt and lost most if not all feeling in my legs. And there was pain with it similar to the shooting, electrical pain I had been feeling.

I wondered when the life was and knew it was the early 1800’s. I smiled, congratulating myself, but did not seek anymore information about the life. I did not want to unintentionally cause myself more harm than good. If done improperly, a past life can bring into the present life aspects of it to include pain, upset and other irrational behavior/thought. Since I had already had pain that caused me to need to lay down, I did not want to intensify it. Plus, it had gone and I felt better. I wanted to keep it that way.

It still amazes me, though, how suddenly and spontaneously some of my past lives have come to me. This one came with the sensation of sitting in the wheelchair and feeling the hardness of the seat. I also felt it being rolled around, its wheels bumping roughly on the floor. It was so vivid and real. I didn’t even know they had wheelchairs that long ago! So cool.

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1950

Today in session I went back to the year 1950. I have been to the particular life before but not this specific memory.

Electroshock Therapy (ECT)

When I touched on this memory the first time I was hit with such a panic in my chest that I lost my breath. At the same instant I knew I had ECT and it was the source of the panic.

Upon further inspection, I was able to see quite a bit of the entire treatment series from the moment I came into the room to the moment I left it. The room had a large, double-sided glass viewing area behind which stood an odd-looking chair with straps on it. It reminded me first of a dentist chair but I knew it was not one. There were two male doctors wearing traditional scrubs and masks and a female nurse who ushered me in.

The nurse wheeled me into the reception area and spoke to me, telling me it would be okay, not to be nervous and that it would not hurt. Then one of the male doctors approached me with paperwork and asked me to sign, explaining he had to have my consent. My mind was very confused and chaotic at the time. All I recall thinking is that I was insane and then contradicting that thought with the opposite thought. I recall seeing myself sign the sheet. I could see a large J or looped L in my name.

I then saw them do something with my wrist/hand. I thought I was also stamped or ID’d but I am not sure.

When I got into the chair they placed something over my eyes and the doctor to my right told me to relax. I felt pressure on my temples, more on my right than my left.

The next thing I recall is a very bright white flash. It was then that I left my body.

I spent the next minutes outside my body hovering over it and watching the scene with interest. I felt very detached from my body. I knew it was mine but I did not care much about it. I saw that I had blue colored goggles or something over my eyes, was wearing a hospital gown and had something over my feet. I was also strapped securely into the chair. I saw the man on my left standing over a machine that was gray in color with a black knob. I also saw the grayish colored stone of the room and the tile ceilings. There was various wires around my body as well and what I think might have been an IV bag.

I heard the man on my right say, “Are you okay?” and I was back in my body. I felt very confused and disoriented. I could not remember who I was or where I was. The feeling was not scary at first but then it was, especially as I began to feel my body. I had sensations in my present body of being very hot and wanting to clench my teeth. I also had the odd sensation that my teeth were made of wood and solid. The hot sensations eventually passed after I went through the life a number of times in order to find all the details.

After the procedure was done, they had me stand and then sit in the wheelchair. They asked me questions I could not answer and I was told it would be okay several times. I remember feeling very mentally dull but it was clear that my disorganized thoughts were gone. In fact, almost all thinking was gone. I was very sad afterward, thinking, “It didn’t work” over and over.

I knew prior to the ECT that I had been suffering from major depression to the point of catatonia. I had suffered greatly at the hands of my abusive husband. I eventually lost it when he began to beat our daughter and I met him at our front door with a rifle of some sort and shot him in the shoulder. He did not die but you can imagine the trauma that came of it, especially since I was a Black woman in the South.

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1997

I am finding it harder and harder to follow others communications regarding ascension. I honestly have not felt a part of this current ascension wave from the beginning but since I was experiencing kundalini again, I figured I must be.

I finally just meditated upon it, asking simply, “Am I part of the current ascension wave”. I got a distinct and resonating “No”.

I was/am not surprised. I think I knew it all along.

1997

So what wave am I a part of?

The answer was immediate as well: 1997.

Wow. I was so young then, only three years out of high school and getting married for the first time. A baby, really.

I always assumed my awakening was in 2003 because that is when my world was turned upside down. However, now that I think about it, there were many events prior to that which suggested much, much more had been going on prior to 2003.

What happened? Nothing mind-blowing, really. I met my ex-husband and, although I liked him and did love him I knew instantly that he was not the “one”. I recall having a conversation with myself about it, actually. This would have been in the Spring of 1997. I knew instantly that I would have to wait a very long time before meeting the “one” (this is what I called my current husband at the time). When I wondered when I would meet the “one” I knew it would not be until I was in my 30s. To an 18-year-old that is a painfully long wait. So I chose to marry my ex, knowing fully that I would not be with him “til death do us part”. It was not an easy decision.

I had vivid dreams the entire time I was married and recall continuing to have conversations with “myself” as I suffered through our time together. The knowingness I had back then was as strong as it is now. It is odd to think back to that time because when I remember the conversations I had with myself, all that is left is a strong knowing that I had agreed prior to this life to be with my ex, to serve a specific purpose while with him and to learn my own, difficult lessons.

Other Differences

There are other aspects of my own experiences which do not go along with what I read of the experiences of others who are ascending now.

  • Spirit Guided Ascension – My guide experiences are surreal and mind blowing. I have met few who have the relationship with their guides that I do. As far as I can tell, it is not a normal ascension experience to have your guide bring you “in-between” and tell you what is to come or have conversations with you.
  • Instantaneous Spiritual Ability – And when I say “instantaneous” I mean it! I did not need to learn how to use my gifts, I just knew how to use them as if I had been using them my entire life. I did not have to take a class or have a mentor, unless you count my guides and “astral classes”. 🙂 I have yet to find anyone who came into their gifts mid-life like I did. Most were either born with their gifts or were taught or developed them over time.
  • OBEs – My ascension experience is very much interconnected with leaving my body. There are few (can only think of one right now) who has established a similar connection. Even in the early days, when I did mediumship readings in spiritual chatrooms, it was not common to find individuals openly discussing their astral adventures.
  • Remembering – I am aware of the mile makers in my life and have been since a very early age. What I mean by this is that I remember the major aspects of my life plan. I don’t remember them all, of course, but I was always able to look ahead at specific things and see or be told what would come. I find it amazing still that I knew about my future daughter from my early teens and had her name picked out by my junior year in high school. I have since seen my husbands, other children (even though I denied the third), deaths of family members, career changes, major moves, past lives and between lives.

There are likely more differences but for now these are the main ones. I am not trying to make myself look better by pointing these out. My Ego is in check. I am merely trying to determine why I am feeling the way I am feeling towards the ascension “movement” that is so popular. As an answer, I was shown these differences and asked to consider them. Perhaps I am in a different “group” whose members I have yet to meet? That seems likely. I have met one other person (you know who you are) who I feel may be part of this unique group. I hope soon to meet the other members. If not, I am fine on my own. I like being alone (never thought I would say that! ha!).

Finally, I may just not know of others who have experienced the shift in consciousness like I have. It is very possible that there are others who have had all the above similar experiences. If you are one of them, I would love to hear form you.

by

Doing the Work

As you may have noticed from my most recent post, I am digging into my past lives again. I will be doing this for at least the next few weeks. As a result my posts will likely be focused upon these adventures more than on anything else.

Doing the Work

After today’s session it was clear to me that right now I am doing the work myself right now rather than the kundalni doing it. This is okay with me because I am having fun, but I it also allows me to stay more present in my body and this physical reality. Uncovering past lives and the unconscious decisions, pain and other considerations from those lives is a huge healing process. Not only does one have to confront very different perspectives and realities they have had but they also must re-experience them in order to clear the subconscious of the effects of these other lives. When done correctly, a person will feel much relief as they are unburdened from the weight of those lives and past decisions. It also allows one to be more present in this life; their attention no longer occupied by times long past. With each past life “erasure” there is another deceptive layer peeled off the conscious mind. When they are all peeled away one is left with the true self, unhindered by debris that has built up life after life.

Observations

I noticed something that may or may not lead to a discovery about myself. As I recall and re-experience more and more past lives, I am seeing just how very different I am in each of these lives. While re-experiencing the life, the thoughts I thought and the feelings I had resurface. I am many times able to get a good idea of my personality and patterns in the life as well. It has always amazed me that I am so very different life after life. I do not seem to have a “set” personality that continues unchanged from life to life. I had always thought that I would maintain some part of the “me” I know from life to life and that I would see evidence of it. Yet, I have yet to see any semblance of myself in this life in any of my other lives.

What do I see? Well, I see patterns or themes that are recurring. It is very obvious to me that I chose to play the role of victim in many of my “recent” lives (this is in quotes because I can see this pattern arising from late BC). I also notice that I have many of the same expectations of myself life after life. For example, in every life except for a few I have judged myself very harshly for not making better decisions and/or having more love or empathy for the people I interacted with.

There are also lives in which I very obviously came to experience one thing specifically. The life I recently wrote about where I was killed in combat is one of those lives. It is very different from the lives I have recalled so far in that I was in no way concerned about anyone or anything except my job which was to kill the enemy. I had no emotion, no regret, no guilt. I almost appeared to be “brain washed” into believing my sole purpose was to die for whomever I served. So far this is the only life where I have encountered a total lack of emotion upon death. Very disturbing but it served its purpose.

Finally, I notice that the farther back I remember, the “lighter” I feel when I re-experience those lives. There is an obvious lack of concern about things to come and a more adventurous attitude in general. For example, when I “failed” prior to around 1000BC I took the attitude of “I will get it right next time” rather than feel loss about whatever I failed at. This observation lends me to believe that there is some truth to how experiences in our past lives build up and impact our present self.

ascensionThe Reality of the Ego

Probably the most impressive realization of all these past life memories is just how very real the Ego is and the purpose it serves. From what I am gathering from just how very different I am life after life, it appears that the Ego is exactly what I have read it to be. It acts as our suit of personality from life to life. It is the overcoat we wear and then toss off after death. It is in fact the very reason for the differences in myself that I perceived as I re-experienced life.

The very acceptance of this is difficult for me because there is a part of me (the Ego of course!) that does not want to “disappear” when I die. I fear it so much that I grapple with ways to preserve what I perceive to be me. But my observations prove to me the opposite happens when I die. The Ego does not disappear, it is re-absorbed back into the True Self. When this happens that aspect of the Self rejoins the other aspects. This does not always happen at the moment of death but the process does begin at that point. How do I know this? Because I was able to see the two me’s distinctly at the time of my death. This was very obvious in the life where I was hanged. Though not yet merged the two aspects of myself were distinct. The one was frantic and panicked, the other was patient and understanding of the experience. From other memories of life between life I know that it takes time for the Ego to be reabsorbed completely, too. In these memories I was able to follow the Ego as distinctly separate for quite some time after death. Because these memories are not complete it leaves me wondering – does the Ego serve another purpose between life that I have yet to recall?