Tag Archives: Messages

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Messages: You are Resilient. Invoke the Violet Flame.

The last few days the energy seems to have evened out somewhat. There was a shift a couple of days ago and ever since the theme for me has been healing, cleansing and purification.

Message: You Are Resilient

Yesterday morning I awoke at around 5am and then lingered in the in-between for quite some time.

I remember feeling vibrations deep within my core. They were very slight but noticeable and I felt them slowly moving upward chakra by chakra. When they got to my solar plexus I looked closer and saw what looked like a slug or leech. I remember surrounding it with Light and imagining it extinguished and it disappeared. Then the vibrations moved up and before I knew it they were in my head. Very subtle but there.

The whole time I was talking with someone, a guide I guess, and he was telling me how resilient I am. He said, “You are resilient. I love you for your resilience.” The day before, out of the blue, I felt this love and had a visual of my face being caressed and looking so peaceful and relaxed. A message came through that I was loved and everything would be alright. The sender of both messages felt to be the same.

Then there is memory of a young man with dark hair and a very energetic spirit. He approached me, called me Becca and told me his name was Jeremy. I remember recognizing his energy and becoming alarmed because I had not expected to run into this specific person again. I also wondered why he was so young and why he was calling me by another name.

The young man was showing me all the ways he loved me. I saw four pages as if from a book but they were spread out like the four directions, floating mid-air with writing on them. He told me, “How do I love you? Let me count the ways.” I remember feeling love for him, too, a romantic soul deep love.

What he was saying to me came from a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise,
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints -I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Message: Invoke the Violet Flame

I had a dream that seemed to span the entire night. In the beginning of the dream I was waiting for a coworker – another teacher – to be ready to move forward with something we were going to do together. This coworker kept changing their mind and I remember feeling like they were holding me back. I think, also, that someone told me, “Don’t let them hold you back.”

There is an entire scene where I get tired of waiting and fly off the balcony over a busy highway, but only one side of the highway is busy (the side going right), the other is clear (the side going left). I know the cause of the traffic is an accident. I enter into a car where another person is waiting for me and we drive away in the opposite direction of the traffic.

Then I was being led through a very special school located “South”. The layout was unconventional with each classroom being separate from the others and courtyards connecting them all. The courtyards had gardens, pools, trees and wide open spaces. I remember talking to the principal who introduced me to many of the teachers. I went into classrooms to observe and recall discussing how special the place was. Everyone I spoke to seemed to want me to stay there, to work alongside them helping the children. I knew it was a healing place.

I lingered in one classroom and spoke to a teacher there for a while. Each student worked at their own pace and had so much more freedom than the conventional student. One of the students in particular was discussed – how she took longer on assignments than the other students but how it didn’t matter because they all worked at their own paces. All students were treated the same. It was made clear to me that I was wanted there, that I would be an asset. I was asked at least three times to come work there. I felt a call to stay. I felt needed but I also felt drawn to be there, like I belonged. And I wanted to help them – the students. Each of them was precious to me. I loved them all.

A teacher approached me, asking me if I would like to stay. I told her I couldn’t. In my mind I saw my family and obligations to them and knew I couldn’t stay there. The woman opened her arms and pulled me close to her. I felt she was like me and that she intended to heal me. She said, “Invoke the Violet Flame.” Instantly I could feel this energy wrap around me like a blanket. The feeling made me cry.

At one point it began to rain (purification) and I watched a student jump head first into a swimming pool. I reached in and pulled something out – like a heavy weight (burdens of life) – and she floated to the top, unharmed.

As I got closer to the end of the dream I was being led down a hallway by a woman. I remember wanting to stay but knowing I had to leave. The hallway led away from the school and was very long and bright gold in color. I could not see what was at the end.

As we walked we passed by a woman who was standing in front of a stroller with two babies – twins – in it. They appeared alive at first but then seemed to be doll-like and unreal. The woman was crying and very upset, wailing about how they had not come for them yet. She kept repeating, “Why have they not come for them yet?” When I spoke to her she said her twins had died in an accident and “they just left them here”. I turned around and hugged her close saying to her, “Don’t worry. You will have your chance to grieve.” My heart was overflowing with sympathy for this woman and her grief became my own. I burst into tears and woke up.

Considerations

When I woke from the second dream it felt as if I had been given a choice – I could choose to stay in that healing place, teaching and helping the children there, or I could return to my life and my family and obligations on Earth. I am fairly certain that I was taken to the Other Side, to be shown my “work” when I am not on Earth. The draw to stay was strong but my duties here on Earth were stronger.

The healing from the woman was distinct as was her message about the Violet Flame. I intend to use it more frequently now.

The woman who was waiting for her twins to be taken and the grief she felt seemed to mirror my own grief. I told her not to worry, that she would get a chance to grieve. It makes me wonder if that message was meant for me.

In other dreams and OBEs I have been drawn to working with the children and babies. In one OBE, I was taken to a “hub” where people who had died were standing in line to be sent off to their next destination. I recall being distracted by a section that was full of children and babies and their caretakers. It had a playground and everything. I went over to one of the caretakers who was holding an infant in her arms and felt immense joy at the thought of working with the children.

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Dream “Shake-Up”

I felt unsettled last night. I kept waking up and when I did sleep it was quite light.

Dream: Shake-Up

In this dream I was with a few other people inside a large building that housed an empty indoor pool. My memory is hazy but I was being asked to hurry and go with them back to school, but I turned around and told them I had to get something. I ran across the empty pool, from the deep to the shallow end, and went inside a room. The room looked to be a bedroom and I thought of it as the room of my sister. My intention was to go through her stash of snacks.

When I got to her dresser and opened the drawer I started grabbing snacks by the handful, specifically looking for chocolate. I recall seeing a bag of cigarettes. The boxes were completely white with no markings but I knew that was what they were. I left them alone, took a bunch of sugary snacks and left.

I recall the walk across the empty pool took longer than I expected. It was enormous! As I got to my friends waiting on the deep end they pointed behind me. When I turned and looked I saw two people coming out of the back door I had just come through. I knew to hurry up and get away from them. For some reason one of them, the man, felt like the principal and I felt like I had done something wrong.

When I reached the other side a female friend and I began to walk along a sidewalk. She spoke to me about all the classwork I had missed and would need to make up. I responded that I thought that I could make it up since I had been sick. She seemed to indicate that I was faking and I told her, “Well I am back now aren’t I?” I remember that I had come back to school after being gone for a very long time – months maybe. The assignment we were talking about came into my mind as a visual of popcorn. It was odd.

At one point the woman got upset with me. She put her hands on my shoulders and began to shake me while saying, “You need to stop prostituting yourself!” The shaking was vigorous but what she said is what got my attention the most. I woke up.

When I woke I felt weird. I was laying on my left side and so turned to lay on my back. It seemed to me like the shaking was a warning that my guidance cannot do anything to help me if I don’t help myself. My heart was skipping beats and I think I was feeling residual energy and vibrations at the same time. It was not a comfortable feeling so I got up to use the bathroom, got back in bed and tried to settle down.

Also, there was another shaking episode before this but I don’t remember anything except the sense of being shaken.

Dream: Hospital Treatment

I entered into another dream where I found myself inside a hospital waiting to see the doctor. There was memory of recently having gone through a procedure related to my heart. I remember hearing people discussing my case but can’t recall specifics. I felt somewhat out of it, like in a daze – how I suspect someone would feel who just got told they had a terminal illness. All I wanted to do was find a bed and go to sleep.

I lingered near a shelf full of pills and vitamins and picked up a large bottle. I remember thinking it was massive and was what the doctor had prescribed me. I also knew I would have to take them the rest of my life. The bottle ended up empty except for two pills – one was a multi-mineral pill (large and speckled) and the other looked like a B-complex (small and yellow). I actually spit them out into the bottle after it seemed like I had taken the entire bottle of pills at one time.

A woman called to speak to me about a future appointment on the 22nd. She was a counselor and had been away on vacation but was returning and reminding me of our Tues appointment at 3:15. She asked if I would be there and I told her I had a dentist appointment at 3:30.

Considerations

The first dream is the one that sticks with me the most. Not only did I physically feel the woman shaking me but what she said bothers me. What does “prostituting” ones self mean in a dream context? Was she suggesting that I am giving away my power? Or was it literally about me using my body as a means to gain from my husband a false sense of security? Probably both. Typical of my guides to just say it like it is but to shake me, too. Damn!

The empty pool means feeling devoid of emotion or it might indicate that past mistakes will not be repeated. It can be also that the cleansing or healing “pool” has dried up. The sweets are me focusing on the good things in life or seeking them out. Cigarettes are sources of toxicity in my life. Thankfully, I choose to leave them. The popcorn represents good fortune or a windfall. My missing school and pretending to be sick, indicates I am avoiding something or that my symptoms have been self-created to avoid something – the windfall perhaps?

In the second dream I am being told some important news about the state of my “health” in this case most likely spiritual but it could also be physical. This could be a worry dream as well. The pills are problem solving and the struggle to resolve one or more issues. The appointment could be symbolic of the conflict I am experiencing – get counseling (work on myself) or go to dentist (handle problems first).

Crazy, Bi-Polar Energy

All I can say about the energy since August is WTF Universe? I had one day – ONE DAY – where I felt good and optimistic and now it seems like the energy is shifting up, down, up, down, and even sideways.

Yesterday, it felt like the energy was literally pushing me, like forceful, but toward what? I have no idea but it came with that feeling like the other shoe is about to drop. Yay – love that feeling…not. Then towards evening it all just calmed down and leveled out.

This morning after being shaken twice in the night and having the above dreams I felt slightly anxious, but it settled within a couple of hours after waking. The energy feels lower today, like it is heading into another build-up.

This is what I perceive about all this crazy bipolar energy that wants to PUSH. It reminds me of the energy in 2016, actually. It is saying, “Clean your shit UP!” And those of us (like me) who hate cleaning or have been in avoidance all this time or distracted by life are feeling the push the most.

I like to think I have my shit together when it comes to my life path/mission, but I don’t. My guidance likes to remind me to “follow the 8 Winds (of Buddhism)” and they recently nudged me again. I have been learning all about how to not seek out pleasure and I think I have learned that lesson pretty well since 2015 (pats self on back), but it occurred to me that I am failing at the other half, which is to NOT avoid pain and discomfort. It isn’t saying to jump head first into pain and discomfort, just to be open to experiencing it. I think I might be the Queen of avoidance of anything painful and uncomfortable. My guidance has their work cut out for them.

Probably why they are shaking me……

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Put Your Blinders On

I felt the energy shift yesterday. It was subtle, and may have only been in my universe, and that’s okay with me.

When driving home from running some errands yesterday afternoon, I was waiting at a stop light when a huge semi truck crossed through the intersection and slowly turned right. Along the side of it in big letters was the word, “FORWARD”. I knew instantly there was a message in it and remembered my guidance telling me in a dream not long ago that I needed to look forward and stop lingering in the past. The truck was entirely too slow so the message was unavoidable.

Later in the day, during a conversation with my husband, I realized that I keep way too much inside. I have no close friends or family to vent to. I chose long ago to stop venting to my mother about my relationship and life because 1. it made my issues her issues, 2. she is my mother and so would immediately try to help and therefore become judgmental and critical, and 3. it invites her into my marriage, where she doesn’t belong. I don’t vent online really either. Sometimes I write in my private journal but writing is not the same as talking to someone. There is relief in verbal expression that one just can’t get through written words.

What ends up happening is that I vent onto my husband. Suddenly, everything I have not gotten to express comes gushing out and he takes it all as me blaming and making him wrong – which it really isn’t. He becomes defensive, then I become defensive and then our conversation breaks down.

The obvious solution would seem to be that I need to find someone, a friend, to talk with. The thing is that I probably wouldn’t share my marriage issues with even a friend for the same reasons I don’t share them with my mother. Sharing = inviting them into the problem so that they become a part of the problem. Now, if I had a friend who could just listen and offer support without judgment, hug me and share in turn, and who I could trust, then yeah I would vent away. Problem is those kinds of friend are few and far between and being I don’t have any friends to begin with these days it seems unlikely that will ever happen.

Communicating openly with my husband then is the only way to resolve this issue. I can’t hold it in but then he needs to not get defensive and judgmental. Last night, at least, we seemed to move in the right direction. Forward.

All the references to my throat chakra make a whole lot more sense to me now.

Prior to bed I was feeling optimistic. The conversation I had with my husband lingered in my thoughts. He had said something about noticing how much I had changed for the better. It made me smile and get a little emotional.

Dream: Putting Blinders On

I had a very in-depth dream about getting married to my husband. The setting was at my grandparents house in the country. I remember having an argument with my husband and him deciding to call off the wedding. When he did this I thought, “Oh well. If that’s what you want.” Then, he changed his mind and it was back on and I was surprised but accepted it.

In between this I was looking out the window and saw a group of white deer grazing. I got out my phone to take a video but it took entirely too long to get to the camera and then I accidentally took a picture. When I finally got to take video I saw the deer become spooked and run. They ran alongside the house. With them was a large, white horse.

The horse was very spooked and being it was so large it could potentially hurt someone. I remember someone saying, “Put blinders on him”. Eventually he settled down because he could only see what was in front of him.

Other Dreams and Considerations

I had another dream that followed this one where I was contemplating what it was like to be single versus what it is like to be married. I watched young people in an office setting flirting and dating. I felt to be older and wiser and better off being married. My husband and I sneaked into an office to watch a movie. We were laying down, his head on my chest, discussing how he had not seen the end scene before. I had no shirt or bra on and felt very relaxed and happy.

I recall a short dream where I was looking through my purse and found wads and wads of money. I began to count it and separate the bills by type. There were way more $1 bills than anything but it was a large sum of money. I was trying to keep an older man from seeing it, worried he might want to rob me, but he didn’t seem to care. I then left and went to the doctor to have some skin tags removed which had suddenly sprouted all over my body.

Then there was after that where I was in a chicken coup with a man. The two roosters had dug out a pit that was so deep it was holding water. Some hens jumped into the pit and began to swim. One went under the coup and I was worried the pit had been dug so deep that it allowed the chickens to escape. I said, “Uh oh! What if the hole goes under the foundation? What if they are trying to get out?” The man with me reassured me that they could not escape. I watched as a white chicken swam around in the muddy water thinking it odd.

Finally, as I was lingering in bed this morning, I saw the white horse from the first dream. I saw only it’s head and noticed it had blinders on.

I feel fairly positive this morning. My dreams give me hope, especially the ones about my husband. I have marriage dreams quite often but not many with my husband. To have him in my dreams is a shift in itself, which I feel is good. The feelings I felt were good. The deer symbolize domestication. The horse symbolizes freedom or a free spirit. White is purity. All are positive symbols. The blinders indicate there is a need to focus forward in order to calm the wild spirit of the horse. This goes very well with the “Forward” message I received.

The money in the short dream is about my perception of my ability to reach my goals. The more money, the more confidence. I also feel concern that it will be stolen, so there is fear of lack or of others taking from me what I have worked hard for. I then visit the doctor, which represents healing, to remove skin tags, which represent unwanted feelings or concerns.

The chicken dream is about courage. I often have dreams of chickens in various situations. In this instance they are confined but I worry they will escape. The pit is likely my subconscious or something out of my control. The muddy water is muddled emotion. I fear they will dig under the foundation and escape but am reassured they will not.

 

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Full Moon Skunk Encounter

I’ve been meaning to write but just haven’t followed through. I was waiting for something to shift, for my monkey mind to quiet down a bit more and for my body to feel less “off”. Yesterday all these things were beginning to line up and this morning it seems to be holding steady…..so far anyway.

Full Moon Skunk Encounter

But before I get ahead of myself, let’s go back to the 12th. I took Monty on a walk in the evening, just as the sun was setting. I saw the full moon in the distance so walked into an open field to get a better look. I stopped and marveled at its beauty, took a couple of photos and turned around to leave. That’s when I saw it. A skunk, walking toward me, nose down and completely unaware of me and my dog. Shocked, I stood and watched, knowing this was a message and to pay attention. The skunk lumbered toward me and Monty, happily feasting on grubs and oblivious to our presence. I took some photos and stuck around a while because I have never been that close to a skunk. I’ve seen them from my car but never without something between me and the skunk.

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Photo of skunk in low light so quite blurry but you get the idea. 😉 

The full moon itself marks the peak of a cycle. It brings illumination and clarity. It heightens awareness and intensifies dream activity. It brings insight into past patterns and assist us in using that knowledge to better prepare for the future.

The skunk’s main message is “do no harm”. It reminds us that there are times when we must defend ourselves, yes, but to remember to do so in a way that does not hurt or damage others.

In times where threats are not imminent, the skunk reminds us to be patient, prudent and silent. Like Mr. Skunk showed me in that field, sometimes it is best to mind our own business, to be self-assured and confident in our own path while allowing others to follow theirs. Mr. Skunk may have known all along that me and Monty were there observing him but he went his merry way to the point of coming directly toward us, tail in the air as if to say, “I see you but I am not afraid.”

Overall, seeing Mr. Skunk brought me great joy and I carried that with me all the way home, sharing the pictures and video with my family. My children were especially fascinated because to them a skunk was just an unpleasant smell. Now they know they are quite cute and almost….cuddly. lol

More Panic

Friday and Saturday brought more uneasiness and anxiety, unfortunately. I just felt overly aware of everything that was going on with my body. My heart space felt odd and that would lead to my focusing on the feeling and it increasing to the point that I would become nervous about it. My heart rate would increase and an overall ill feeling would come over me.

Saturday I asked my husband to go on a walk with me because the feeling was making it very hard for me to function. Thankfully the walk seemed to tone it down and all odd heart sensations vanished. They returned the end of the day on yet another walk but I was able to manage it, but I felt like a failure since I know it is my thoughts that is fueling the incidences.

Sunday I woke feeling much better. So much so that I opted to do a workout and see if I could avoid another exercise induced panic attack. I started with a walk. Sadly, the panic began to set in but this time I opted to sing a song to myself as a distraction. I chose a song my grandmother use to sing on her many walks – One Day at a Time. As soon as I started to sing a huge bubble of emotion formed in my chest and went up into my throat. I began to cry and the pressure in my throat released. I continued to sing, allowing the emotion to flow and suddenly it felt as if I were floating rather than walking down the sidewalk. I had the strangest sense that I was OOB and the world around me a dream.

I made it home and took a short break before continuing with my weight lifting routine, one I hadn’t done in over a week. The first part was rough, though, because every time my heart rate went up I began to panic a little. I kept having to talk myself down and take breaks. Eventually, though, something clicked. I remember the song One Day at a Time and the strange release I had during my walk. I went down stairs briefly and when I returned it was like I did a 180. I felt revived with zero fear and completed my workout with gusto. When it was all over I felt wonderful, as if I had slayed the anxiety dragon.

This morning it was so nice outside that I decided to do a short run-walk interval (about 20 minutes). I stayed close to the house and did the intervals without ending up in panic mode. However, when I checked my heart rate later when reviewing my run it had gotten pretty high toward the end, much higher than it should have been. Just seeing that my heart rate went so high with so little exertion worried me and so then I had to work through some rising pangs of panic. Thankfully nothing major. Obviously I have some issues relating to fear of death coming up that need to be sorted. The last thing I want to do is avoid future issues by completely ceasing all exercise. I just have to take it a bit slower and easier than I am use to and be kind and loving to myself.

Messages

Interestingly, my dreams over the weekend indicated some deep healing work was taking place, specifically on my heart. My guidance indicated that the work was nearly complete and to allow and thoroughly feel the emotions that were being released. There was incidences prior to sleep where I tuned into my heart space and got brief glimpses into the blockage there. When the emotion came up, it came up in spurts that lasted only moments. With each rise of emotion came tears, a feeling of pressure in my throat and a sense of release, as if my body was throwing off a heavy burden.

In those brief moments of release I made sure I paid attention to how the energy moved and how my body responded. The energy would rise from my core in waves, traveling up the sides of my body and converging in my throat where they would form a knot of energy. It seemed the only way to release the knot was to make noise – a sigh, a gasp, anything worked.

When the episodes passed I found myself longing for them to return. Not because I enjoyed the emotion but because I was fascinated by the process.

That same night I was asked by my guidance if perhaps it was time to “turn over a new leaf” and “start a new chapter” in my life. I am not exactly sure what this may be in reference to but message noted.

Realization

I recognized that the heart sensations I had been feeling were nothing unusual. I have felt them in the past. Heart chakra pressure and pulling indicating a blockage being released. I had felt them numerous times in the past. Yet for some odd reason this time around I associated the feeling with a physical body issue. Probably because the panic episode I had at the end of August felt so very much like I was dying.

I have been paying more attention to how the panic episodes make me feel. The feelings leading up to the attacks are generally a feeling of uneasiness, a kind of light-headedness, and then strange tingly feelings up and down my arms. Sometimes my head hurts and I feel tired or shaky, but this seems only to happen when my blood sugar is low. For example, the headache will come out of the blue accompanied by shakiness and if I don’t stop right then and eat something then I will end up with a pounding heart which causes the panic. Generally the panic attacks last no more than a 5 minutes unless low blood sugar is involved, then they can last much longer.

The full-blown panic attacks that make me feel like I am dying cause my heart to pound to the point of breathlessness and my chest to feel weird. The first one of those I had dates all the way back to 2003 (during meditation no less)! It makes me certain I will pass out and die. It is hard to shut down those kinds of thoughts but it is possible. Unfortunately, the whole experience leaves me exhausted and dreading it happening again.

I’ve had my most recent panic issues on and off for a while now (since 2016) – when running, when in public places, when drinking alcohol – but the panic attacks began to escalate after September last year. Since then I have been having more and more incidences of panic and they have been increasingly more alarming. My best guess is that a massive clearing began at some point last year and has been in process ever since. It feels like yet another layer of crap being released. I can only hope that what my guidance has been telling me – that it will be over soon – is true.

 

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Ghost

It has been a rough week or so for me. One of those weeks when everything seems to snowball. Maybe the energy was primed for such a week. Who knows. All I know is that I am glad for it to be (seemingly) over.

First off, I’ve been extremely fatigued. I am still not sure if it is a lingering mystery illness, stress, hormones, or some vitamin deficiency. The heart racing episode I had over a week ago seems to have been the starting point (you can read about it here). Mornings tend to be the worst but are gradually getting better. The drugged feeling was similar to how I felt after my c-section surgery in 2014. Back then it was anemia that was the culprit. The tiredness got so severe that I felt like I did when I went to Hawaii earlier this year – like really bad jet lag.

My response to the fatigue has been to take a week off from working out and just listen to my body. I also started taking B vitamins and iron supplements just in case I am slightly anemic.

I’ve also been extremely depressed, emotional, and full of anxiety and worry. When I tune into the anxiety I usually end up crying. There is pit of emotion that seems to be the source of the anxiety along with that empty feeling I’ve had all my life. The emptiness seems to have no end. I think I have been descending into it slowly for a while now.

With all my own personal stuff, there has been chaos in the physical. First, my youngest had a mysterious illness that lasted almost a week. He got a bad headache and fever as well as fatigue to the point that he would sleep most of the day. He would cry about the headache, I would give him medicine, he would sleep and then the cycle would repeat. It scared me that it lasted so long and I was a bundle of worry the whole time. Eventually, his fever broke and then he had diarrhea for a little while.

Of course, my husband was out of town the entire time my son was sick. 😦

To top it all off, Saturday my dog Monty was brutally attacked by a Boxer mix on our morning walk. The dog got out of the house by mistake, saw Monty, and went immediately into kill mode. He latched onto the top of Monty’s neck and would not let go. The owners were there but could not get their dog to release Monty. They were yelling and screaming, hands on their dog’s head and in his mouth as I watched helpless and Monty yelped and tried unsuccessfully to get to his attacker. Eventually, about 3 minutes later and after the owner asked an onlooker to get a garden hose, the dog released Monty.

One of the owners asked me to take her name and number. I happened to have my phone with me. I never bring it but did that morning. She typed in her info, hands shaking and covered in blood. I walked Monty home and then called my husband for help. He was working and could not come help me and I began to cry from the overwhelm. He called the owner and got her to come over and drive me and Monty to an emergency vet. She stayed with me for three hours and paid the bill when we left.

Monty had several puncture wounds in his neck but was otherwise okay. He came home with pain meds and antibiotics. Today. two days later, he is doing much better, but the day after he barely moved and had me quite worried.

No photo description available.

Monty at the vet after they shaved him and treated his wounds.

 

Yesterday, hit with morning fatigue and feeling weak, I ended up in panic mode having to talk myself through a sense of impending doom. Thankfully it worked and by late afternoon, after a trip for a manicure-pedicure and some me-time, I felt much better.

On the drive home, after seeing an unexpected rainbow on a sunny day, the memory of the heart bliss came to me. As I began to accept the amazing feeling, it felt to be a message of hope. The feeling and memory returned later that evening. Rather than the feeling coming from just one guide it felt to be coming from many. Once acknowledged the feeling faded but it helped and that is what matters most.

Dream – Plane Tickets

Sleep came easily and my dreams were memorable.

In this dream, I was told that my youngest was selected for an all-expenses paid trip to what looked in my mind like Africa (going home or to your “roots”) but it was an island. This was the location of First Contact and the entire nation was focused on the event. My son could be accompanied by two adults and for some odd reason I gave the tickets to my BIL and SIL. It was only later that I discovered the trip would last two months and I regretted giving away my ticket then. I remember saying, “No one told me he would be gone that long!”

At one point I was able to convince the government to give me and my husband tickets as well. There was an entire portion of the dream where I received an email with passport number and clearance. Then, I recall getting to the plane (moving into different state of being) right as it was about to take off. The plane was one of those huge ones with a big door on the back. The door was closed and they were not going to let us on but at the last minute they did. Inside were many more people than just my family.

When we arrived I was sent to a house with some of my family. I don’t recall too much here except that they had been there a while and not taken out the trash. I bundled up the trash bags (something needs to be taken care of, removed) and moved them into a corner below a broken shelf.

We got into a government vehicle and went to another house where my husband was staying. I recall driving by a very nice house that a family acquaintance was put in. I remember wondering why it was he got to live alone.

When we got to the other house it was in a cul-de-sac (resistance to change) and an armed guard was standing near the entrance. The last thing I recall is driving out and thinking it odd a guard was there. Then there was shift into the next dream.

Dream – Island of Healing

The cul-de-sac disappeared and I found myself alone standing on a road on an island (solitude, self-reliance). Tall, green grass (healing) was on either side of me and I could see the water in the far distance. The road was two lane and smooth. I walked with my dog, Monty, along the road for some time, up and down rolling hills, taking in the spectacular views. I remember feeling relieved of all worry and concern. It was a wonderful feeling!

It felt like I was alone on the island but it didn’t bother me one bit. I was just taking a casual stroll on a remote island somewhere. Monty was running ahead of me. I could see the wounds from the dog attack vividly but he did not act wounded.

Monty saw something and began barking and running toward it. As I focused in on it I realized it was a horse (freedom) or pony. I ran after him, concerned, but the horse ignored him and continued to walk wherever it was going.

When I got to Monty he was sniffing the horse’s hoof and growling suspiciously at it. I saw someone approaching and apologized saying he was just being protective and was likely a bit scared after the dog attack he endured recently. The man came closer and smiled. He was very black and tall and I got the sense got from him was that he was part of an island tribe. It felt like Australia to me for some reason but again it looked a lot like Africa. I am not sure where I was.

The man asked me what I thought of the place. That is when I noticed a huge bookcase (knowledge/understanding) in front of me. It was very out of place considering we were outside in the middle of nowhere on an island. Yet there it was. A bookcase full of books and other odds and ends. I recall seeing three rows of encyclopedias on the top shelves and other items in the center shelves. I remember touching one of the items. It was a figurine made of a smooth, black substance like coral. I responded that I hoped he didn’t mind me being there looking through his things. He told me I was welcome and motioned to someone standing on the other side of me. I turned to my left and a tall, very dark black woman was standing there. She also appeared tribal to me. She asked me, “What do you think?” I remember telling her, “I want to stay here forever.”

The two tribes people took me to another individual who resembled the character, William, on the show This is Us that I have been watching lately. He was seated and being asked questions. The first question he was asked was, “Are you prepared?” He answered, “Yes.” Then he was asked, “Who prepared you?” He replied after a brief pause, “God.”

Suddenly, I became quite lucid. I recognized the man from the show, knew I was dreaming and that the questions being asked of him were also being asked of me. I remember being asked, “Are you prepared?” I answered, “Yes”. Then I was asked, “Who prepared you?” I answered, “I did.” Then a third question was asked, “What did you prepare for?” I answered, “Life and death.”

As I answered these questions I felt/saw/sensed my heart chakra. What is odd here is that the chakra was being held by many hands. The hands were pulling the heart open. There were so many hands. They were touching one another, each with a firm grip on the edges of my heart. The hands and the edges were golden in color and light was in the center. The light expanded as the hands pulled on the heart, opening it wider and wider.

Living from the Heart

I woke up feeling loved and cared for. I did not want to leave that place.

A voice, one of the Many surrounding me, spoke with me for a while. I was asked, “What do you want?” I asked to go Home. I was asked why and I explained and felt understood. I recognized the dream message. I knew I was prepared but I still did not wish to continue. I feel tired and worn out.

A discussion about expectation ensued after that. I realized that the reason I felt so at peace in that island place was because everyone there accepted me just as I am. There was no expectation imposed upon me. I was perfect and accepted. But here, in this harsh world, I feel everyone’s expectations of me all the time. No one accepts me as I am. They want something from me and if I can’t give it they try to force it and/or they reject me. I know I do the same and we discussed how I can change that. It has to do with living from the heart but I could not see how it was possible. I remember hearing, “We will show you.”

I saw how the first dream reflected how I put what others wants before my own. Rather than go with my son on the trip I sent his aunt and uncle because I knew they would want it. I tend to try and be what others want of me and feel loss if I fail to accomplish this.

Dream and Message

I fell back to sleep and into a semi-lucid dream. I was with a group inside a place of learning. We were in the corner of a large gymnasium-type room. Books and backpacks were nearby. I recall seeing people I have known in this life. One woman recently met and fell in love and I saw her walk away with her partner, smiling. I remember judging her, though, because of her obesity and thinking it “gross” for her to be sexual. I was immediately ashamed for thinking that and quickly replaced the judgement with acceptance.

Class was let out and I left along with many others. A cheer leading (encouragement, motivation) class was coming in and I watched as they practiced. I then realized I had left my shoes (life direction) and went back inside to look for them. I walked back to the corner and saw several different pairs of shoes. Some were small, like children’s shoes, others looked to be from other cultures with curled up toes and made of leather. I found my shoes on a stool. They were brown leather slip-on shoes similar to penny loafers (comfort in work). I picked them and up and as I was leaving a group began to talk to me about music.

I sat with them, joking around a while about different songs from long ago. I remember telling them how I never could keep up with my friends and their ability to remember artist, song, and album names. I said, “I was lucky if I could recall any of that!” A guy there laughed and I remember feeling a connection to him and thinking, “We are the same.” He mentioned a song and I remember saying, “Isn’t that by Mike and the Mechanics?” Then everyone laughed meaning I was probably very wrong (lol). Note: I had to look up that band when I woke because I had no idea what songs they are famous for. 

I ended up hanging out with the group but we made so much noise that the cheer leading class was getting annoyed with us.

The last thing I recall is sitting very closely behind the guy who I had been laughing with. He turned over his right shoulder and kissed me. I returned the kiss and could feel it very physically. It was nice but before I allowed myself to really enjoy it I pulled away and said to him, “I can’t.” He said to me, “But you want to.” And I replied, “Yes, I do.”

My lucidity caused me to wake up but not before the man gave me a name and a message. He said, “Patrick Flowers” and sent a song message. The words were, “You will love again” but the melody was to Michael Jackson’s song, You Are Not Alone. I also remember writing down his name and what I think was a date of 8-31. The information woke me completely, though, and I lost the date information, but not the name.

Considerations

The dreams from last night do not surprise me. Prior to bed I had been thinking of the heart bliss and wishing I could feel it all the time. I miss it! My guidance told me that I could and I felt it was impossible. They said, “We will show you how.” I didn’t really expect to have such vivid dreams, especially the part where I saw my heart being opened by so many hands! Sadly, my heart doesn’t feel any more open today than yesterday. 😦

I’m definitely going through a rough period in my life. Too many losses and I am not doing anything really right now that I enjoy. With the weird tiredness, heart speed-ups and panic attacks I have even stopped exercising, which was one of the only things that made me feel good (but not joyful). I recognize that it may mean that I need to slow way down and do some inner work and healing. I can’t say I am very good at listening. Probably why my body is starting to make me listen. Nothing like scary heart speed-ups and panic attacks to scare a person into listening.

If I had to put how I feel in one word I will have to steal from an episode of This is Us that I watched last night. Mandy Moore’s character was telling her husband that she had no life and described herself as a “Ghost”. That is how I feel and I completely relate.

To end, the results of my search of Mike + the Mechanics.

 

 

 

 

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Lucid Dream – Exit Point

Thankful the hectic week is over! Kids are all in school now. My youngest started Kindergarten and loves it. My middle child got to finally be in the same class as one of his best friends and my oldest made it through her first day of middle school unscathed. Today I get to be home alone to recuperate. My husband took the kids to a water park about an hour away. They probably won’t be back until 9-10pm. 🙂

I plan to get some things done and take my time about it. My sleep was interrupted at around 4am by strange noises in the driveway. Sure something bad was happening, I got up to investigate and I saw my MIL and my husband transferring her bags into our minivan. I had forgotten my husband agreed to take her and his brother’s entire family to the airport. My MIL had been frantic to park her car at our house instead of my BIL’s because she didn’t want her car sitting in the sun all week. She is convinced the sun will “rot” it (eyeroll WTF?). I had asked her to find another option because I knew the 4am transfer would wake me up. Sure enough, it did, and as I expected it caused me to lose at least an hour of sleep. 😦

When I finally did return to sleep I got an unexpected “lesson”.

Lucid Dream – Exit Point

The dream began with me in my bed hearing something going on in the front driveway. I got up and saw my MIL’s car parked in the driveway. It was disgusting, covered with filth. Then my youngest came screaming out of the front door because he thought I was leaving and never coming back. When I went to soothe him and take him back inside I saw that we were not at our own house. I began to walk to our house and found a bundle of keys on the driveway, keys to a Nissan Xterra. I went back and found another family outside packing up their car. I asked if the keys were theirs and they said they weren’t. As I went to go search for the owner, a small, blonde, naked and armless (inability to take care of ones self) child was there. I hugged her and noticed all the other children with her were deformed or mentally retarded in some way. I felt sympathy for them.

As I crossed into our driveway and looked around at the unfamiliar scene, I thought to myself, “This is not right. I must be dreaming.”

To test this out I decided to see if I could float or fly. I relaxed and my body floated upward and then I knew I was dreaming.

I flew down the road and encountered a little girl with blonde hair. She was trying to put on a necklace (conflict between head and heart) made of green, elastic material. I said, “Can I help you with that?” She said, “Yes”. I began to move her hair out of the way and tried to tie the necklace but it was too short and little pieces of hair kept getting in the way. I told her I couldn’t tie the necklace and she started to cry. The girl’s sister suggested I tie the necklace first and then have the girl step into it and pull it up to her neck. The sister showed me how and I thought it was a great idea (rising of Kundalini maybe?).

There is a brief memory here of standing in front of a mirror. I looked at my face and saw myself as I am now but maybe a bit younger. I smiled and then focused more on my image expecting it to morph because that is what usually happens in my lucid experiences. Rather than the image morphing into something else, certain features changed. My mouth got very small, making my cheeks appear larger. I remember knowing the shrinking mouth represented my “shrinking voice”.

My attention went elsewhere after that. I was talking to a guide I could not see. I remember thinking/saying, “What do I do now?” I felt completely hopeless and directionless and began to cry. As I cried the scene in front of me began to slowly turn black. The blackness was impenetrable and desolate. I knew that my emotions were creating it but I had no idea how to free myself from it.

Knowing I was dreaming I began to worry my crying would send me back to my sleeping body and wake me up. But it didn’t. Instead, I was asked to look into the darkness. I believe the words were, “Look for light in the darkness.”

I began to focus on the darkness and noticed it shifted and moved as if alive. Then a sliver of white light began to take shape in front of me. The light extended to form a line almost like a lightening bolt straight ahead. The more I focused, the more the light chased away the darkness to reveal the path ahead. I followed it.

I could see the end of the path way up ahead. It was quite far and uphill. All I wanted was to get to the end. I didn’t care what I had to do to get there.

The first place the path took me was to a water park (playfulness, enjoying life). I saw children playing in the water as I walked through. There were small walls (obstacles) I had to climb over but they were only about knee height. I spoke to the children and tended to them if they asked for help. 

Throughout all this I recall talking with a guide. At one point the scene vanished and all that was in front of me was an open book. The pages were empty. I was told to read them. Sentences began to appear in cursive writing as I read. I read them aloud and was amazed at how clear the lettering was and that I was able to read it. I worried briefly that my focus on the words would wake me up, but it it never did. Instead, it made the words more clear. Fascinating!

Of course, now I don’t remember what I read word-for-word. All I remember now is what I heard my guide say to me. He said, “Find your joy and follow it”. He also said something like, “Help them.” All that is left in my memory is the message that if I look for the light, I will see it. The “light” being that which brings me joy. Then all I have to do if follow it.

Then I was back on the path looking ahead at the end. I saw two golden chalices (spiritual nourishment, immortality) or cups sitting on a pedestal, one on my left and one on my right. Above them was a great circle (continuity) colored red-orange. The light illuminated them. There was a plaque below each that was covered in red paint. I knew the sign had information so I began to scratch away the layer of paint on both plaques. To my surprise I saw white numbers on a golden background. I recognized the pattern to be that of a date – like month, day, year – but the more I focused on the dates to try and remember them, the more numbers there were until it no longer resembled a date. I think I saw 2023 and 2036 but I can’t remember now. The numbers are all jumbled together in my mind.

The voice of my guide said to me as I was trying to decipher the numbers, “You know we can’t reveal that to you.” Disappointed I gave up.

What I remember now of those two golden cups or chalices is that I had two choices of “exit” dates in this life. The one on the right was later than the one on the left. Other than that, I was unable to determine which path was “better”.

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Dream: Skiing in Montana

I woke briefly after that but was able to return to sleep.

I was in Montana and decided to go skiing (breezing through aftermath of challenging situation). Ahead of me was a dirt road (new path, path untraveled) barely wide enough for one car. The road was riddled with puddles of water (emotion) some of which were very deep. I traveled by car but also seemed to be on foot. I wore no shoes, just white socks (protection). A man was with me but was not my husband. He showed me the way and I put my foot/wheels wherever he did.

At one point, just past a small bridge, one of the holes was so deep the man jumped over. I quickly followed, barely missing the hole and knowing it was so deep that I would have gotten soaked.

Then I was heading back up the road, this time with my husband. He was talking on the phone with a friend. He was telling them that he would love to live free, without a car, without a house, without many of the things he and I had built together. He was talking as if I was a burden and I could tell by the conversation that he was planning on leaving me to live this new “simpler” life. I recall him mentioning that this friend, obviously a woman, was eating Moringa seeds, and that because of that he wanted to also. The name was familiar.

As I listened I began to panic about what I would do as a single parent. I was angry that my husband would just abandon us to relieve himself of the burden.

The car came to the same deep puddle and my husband decided to drive through it very fast. The car launched into the air after hitting the puddle. Mud flew everywhere and then we landed behind a bunch of people on bikes (independence). The car bumped one bike but did not hurt anyone.

Then we were driving through a lazy town in Montana. The day was beautiful and the temperature perfect. I said to my husband, “It’s a really nice, summer day.” I remembered how nice the summers could be in Montana. I told him that the cities were safer and it was a good place to raise a family. Then I remembered how harsh the winters were. I decided it wasn’t worth it to live there.

Considerations

I’m not sure what to think of the dream experiences. The first lucid one seems mostly to be a message that things will not always be so dark, to look for my “joy” and to follow it and it will lead me to where I want to go.

The second dream seems to be a warning along with advice. The Moringa seed part was very vivid and likely indicates I need to research the seeds. I believe we have a bag of them in the garage given to my husband by the former owner of our old house (the man who killed himself). Overall, Moringa seems to be a good supplement in seed form and goes well with Turmeric, which was also a supplement suggested in an OBE I had years ago.

My thoughts about finding my joy are not positive. Nothing really brings me joy these days. So I am sad to think that the answer to my problems is to find and follow my joy. Perhaps it has to do with children because that dream also included me reaching out to children? Maybe but that doesn’t feel exactly right. It could be my own children, I suppose. That is closer to right because they do bring me joy at times.

I guess I just have to wait and see.

 

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Dream: Back to School Message

This week is hectic. The kids go back to school tomorrow. My youngest starts Kindergarten and my oldest goes into 6th grade. So, of course, I am worrying about my youngest. Will he do okay? Will he behave? Will he get along with the other kids? How will he manage an all-day school schedule?

My oldest is worrying on her own. I took her to a 6th grade camp to get oriented to her new school and classmates and she cried on the way from all her anxiety. I suspect the first day of school will be similar.

On top of all the back to school activity, my husband returned from almost a month away on business. It is always an adjustment when he returns. My youngest became the worse version of himself as a result. He is my little fiery double Aries and boy can he ever throw a tantrum! Then he can keep it up for an hour straight. Ugh! He is better today, thankfully!

My personal schedule is busy as well. I have three appointments this week. Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, The main thing I am addressing is maintaining my leg vein health. After removing a vein in my right leg in 2015 because it was not functioning properly, I try to do yearly maintenance on my legs because my body continues to make extra ugly veins to make up for the lost one. Overall I have great genetics except for the vein part. Sigh.

Dream: Back to School Message 

I recall going into a large, church-type building with rows of desks filled with students in uniform. I selected a seat on the right side of the room up against the wall and sat down. A young handicapped boy with light hair rolled in. When our eyes met we both lit up. I remember feeling extremely happy to see him.When he saw me he rose up out of his chair and limped over to me as if floating. Knowing he could not walk yet was doing so for me was impressive. I knew it was his gift to me. We embraced and he sat down in a seat in front of me. I snuggled up into his embrace and just sat there with him. The feeling he gave me was wonderful, like waves of calm and peace. Safe. There was no other place I would rather be than in his arms. All interest in other things vanished – school included – and my whole focus shifted to being with him.

That is when we noticed something unusual. On the other side of the church I could see a peacock (love, immortality, soul, peace). The young man with me pointed him out and said how he loved them. The peacock was running, its beautiful tail very obvious and impressive. The young man said, “I love the double ones” and I imagined a peacock with a double tail thinking that it must be rare.

I remember either telling him about or having memories of when I was younger and raised peacocks.

Then there was a commotion to the left and I saw a line of baby peafowl with their mother. They were all drab brown walking in a line. Some were fighting over a scrap of food. Then it was as if they were being hunted by dogs and I was worried for them. The last thing I saw was what looked like a pack of wild dogs devouring a carcass but the carcass looked like it was a dog, too!

The next thing I know I am returning to class but I forgot my backpack. I am late and have to sit in a different location. I can see my young male friend in his normal place. I wave at him and feel sad because we can’t be together. I am sitting next to girls I do not know and feel uncomfortable.

The teacher gives us our assignment only I haven’t been listening. I go back into the story we just read to find the answer. I recall the answer included compare and contrast of two children. The first came from a family who always paid their bills way in advance and had insurance for their five kids. Yet they were very poor. The other family was the opposite and always in debt. I knew my young male friend was from the former family type as was I.

As I was finishing up my assignment the teacher came around and took my pen before I could put my name on it.

Then I was watching myself from a distance. I saw myself as a young girl, maybe 10 years old. I would stare off into space often and the feelings I had were of worry and anxiety over what might happen. I was always on edge. I didn’t feel like the other kids and had few if any friends. The me observing this scene felt sad. It was strange to watch myself from outside myself. Did I really look like that? Was I the daydreaming kid, always staring out the window, always the outsider? Yep.

Message

As the dream came to an end I was left with what I was being shown. I knew it was a message. I recognized the feeling I had with my young partner – Home. When he was with me I was Whole and needed nothing. All interest in learning ceased. When he was gone I felt incomplete, scared and anxious. My rock and foundation was gone and I was forced to learn to stand on my own.

When I woke the same song was going through my head as the other day:

The parts of the song repeating were:

“I’ll say I told you so but you just gonna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

“I can’t take this place, no I can’t take this place. I just wanna go where I can get some space.”

And with all this I heard from my guidance, “Remember.” I knew this meant I needed to remember what I was shown the last time I merged with my Higher Self. What did I remember? That I am exactly where I am suppose to be. This life is just a journey, one that is over in a blink of an eye despite it feeling much, much, much longer than that. When the journey is over I will return Home to my family, hopefully lessons learned.

The dream and lesson itself is quite humbling. The feeling the young man gave me is familiar. When I have felt it in this life I recognized that all I wanted to do was stay in it. At the same time I felt that if I did stay in/with it, that my life would be over because I would cease to learn the lessons I came here to learn. The point is that I have to stand on my own two feet, learn to be Whole on my own.

 

 

 

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OBE: Select

Strange morning. Prior to sleep, during my meditation, I asked to merge with my Higher Self. This came out of the blue and was not my original intention but I stuck with it. It felt right. I figured my HS might be able to give me some answers.

Dream: Becoming Lucid

I was in a small room in bed (wanting to make a change but feeling something is stopping me). A young woman and her friend were getting ready to go workout at the gym. I recall telling them about the new gym (message to take care of myself) arrangement and a visual of a small gym space, like a home gym, came to mind. The floors were black rubber and all the equipment was moved to one end leaving a large open space. I remember saying the arrangement was better. I told them I would join them soon but I was going to go for a 10 minute run first. But I didn’t get out of bed. I felt drowsy and sluggish.

Then it seemed like the room was a bathroom (healing, release). My friends were outside the door calling for me. I told them I was using the bathroom but then looked at the toilet and the top of it was flush with the floor. It looked like someone had pushed it down to create a squat toilet. I mentioned it and a woman popped her head in the door and laughed saying I would have to squat. I said, “I guess I will have to squat then”. Then a man also peeked in and I knew the two were coworkers – both doctors in training. A flash of a previous dream where I was an intern with them came to mind and I recognized how I knew them.

The scene shifted and I was watching a man walking up spiral stairs carrying a load of tree branches (period of dormancy). A woman was telling him to be careful. The scene around was a busy city street and the man seemed to be coming from underground up through a circular hole similar to a well.

Then I saw a man walking around without a top on and wearing a long, flowing skirt. At the same time it felt like me.  Then I was in the body. I saw myself as female. The cars driving past were honking and I was trying to cover myself with a white, button up shirt as fast as I could. Then I looked down at my lower half and thought, “A man wearing a skirt. Hmmmm.”

The wrongness brought about some lucidity and I became aware that I was having a conversation in the background of the dream. I recall the details of the conversation but won’t share it at this time as it is private. The memory I have of where I was during this conversation is of total darkness. There were also visuals that went along with the conversation, like I was watching a movie.

The topic brought on full lucidity and I began to ask aloud where someone was. I began to search. I entered a place that looked to be from a cartoon. Everything was drawn and in vivid color. There was a white van (heavy workload, progress in life) and I flew around it investigating while still looking for someone.

Then I was flying down a path with trees on either side. Ahead it looked like a tunnel and the colors faded into black the farther I traveled. I was still looking for someone but at this point realized I could sense my sleeping body.

OBE: Select

I temporarily shifted to my body as soon I made the decision to go OOB. Then I was in total darkness. I could sense my bedroom and bed. The transition OOB was flawless and I began to move down stairs. There was absolutely no strange, heavy energy and I struggled to believe I was in an OBE. I couldn’t see and was saying aloud, “My kids can’t see me” because I was worried they would interfere. My old dog, Trooper, was running beside me whining excitedly.

When I got downstairs, Trooper ran to the door and I began to see with clarity but only with my left eye (feminine side). I saw him waiting at the door. I opened it and found another, larger, white door (portal) behind it. The door opened, Trooper ran out happily, and I followed.

Outside it was not my front yard. Instead it was an entire town with rows of buildings and a long city street. I could see Trooper in the distance and I flew to catch up but encountered many bare tree branches (period of dormancy). I flew through and above them, grabbing onto the tops of the trees to keep from going up too far. As I flew, I looked at the city streets below me. I could see many people walking along the streets. Some looked up at me, but they looked strange. The ones I remember were bald, wearing black suits and had pale white skin. I also think they had on black sunglasses but it was overcast.

My intention was to follow Trooper but I remembered too much, it felt too real, and my awareness was increasing quickly. Before I knew it was I was sucked back toward my sleeping body but the experience did not end. Instead the scene shifted and I was looking inside an open refrigerator (cold, no change). The conversation from before resumed and I saw a hand reach into the fridge and pull out a bottle of Ranch dressing (improvement upon something). I tried to read the label and heard a man say, “Select.”

I came back to my body slowly after that. It felt like I floated in and out of my body for a time. There was a nice, heavy, comforting feeling about it so I lingered in that feeling for a while.

When I woke a song was going through my head. These lyrics specifically: “I’d say I told you so but you just wanna cry. You just wanna know those peanut butter vibes.”

Considerations

The overall feeling of the dream and OBE is that I am in a period of dormancy and renewal. As a season, I would be in Winter, so no new growth is going on. Instead I am resting or hibernating. The message at the end seems to indicate a decision needs to be made in order to improve my life conditions.

As far as merging with my Higher Self, I don’t feel like that happened, at least not in the way I wanted it to.

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Message: Only If You’re Strong Enough

Very dream-filled night. Not sure what is with the sudden increase in dream recall but at least I feel better today than yesterday.

Dream

I found myself inside a single-wide mobile home (unstable path). It was very obviously the home of a bachelor – sparse furniture, simple, and a bit messy. A thin, wiry guy with blonde, messy hair was with me. He looked in his 20’s and was a bit dirty; his clothes needed a good washing. I could see a small, 80’s style television (some past communication) in the background in the background that was on and some television show was playing.

The guy was very aloof and didn’t pay me much attention until he wanted something from me. The feeling from him was that he kept me around only for what I could do for him. My interest in him went beyond that, though. I did not feel love for him but I was seeking his attention, which he, of course, was not giving.

At one point I thought the guy wanted to get sexual because he sat on the floor, butt naked, legs spread and arms open as if inviting me into his embrace. As I moved forward he did something unexpected. He grabbed a bottle of lotion (success in difficult situations) and began to squirt huge amounts into his hands. He put the lotion all over himself, effectively covering his nakedness. Then he asked me to help him. He said, “Can you pop this for me?” He showed me a small pimple (worry over the trivial) on the inside of his thigh. It was gross and I said, “Eww.” Before I could answer he began to push on the thing and huge amounts of puss came out. I said, “Looks like you did it yourself.”

The next thing I remember is the man walking about the place and my attention going to the television where I saw The Beatles and another guy, some poet or philosopher, being interviewed by a TV host. The poet guy said something about the future that was very profound. Whoever he was, I recognized him and knew he would die and that was the last time he would be seen on TV.

Then another guest appeared on the show and I noticed that she was way older than I remembered her to be. She had red hair and her face had aged to the point that her nose was larger than usual and she had bags under her eyes. The song, “It Must Have Been Love” was being performed by her and I kept trying to figure out her name. I kept hearing/thinking, “Heart” but I don’t think that was meant as a name of a person but more of a message being passed on.

As I watched the woman on the TV I noticed one of her breasts was very large and misshapen. It looked like a huge tumor (repressed emotion emerging).

Then an intercom came on which could be heard inside the house. I said to the guy, “Can’t you disconnect that?” He said, “Why?” The intercom seemed to be coming from a mechanic shop across the way and had been installed by the guy’s father. I remember knowing the father had worked a Sears for $15/hr back when that pay was considered really good. I mentioned how sad it was that people couldn’t live off that kind of pay anymore. The guy grunted his agreement, half listening.

Then I was saying goodbye to the guy. We were standing real close. I was pressed up against him, head close to his chest. I remember kissing him and feeling a flush of energy as he returned my affection. Then I felt panic and thought, “I’m married! What am I doing?” And just as quickly I let that consideration go, deciding I didn’t care. An entire memory of how I got there came to me. It seems I told my mom I was going somewhere else and then went to be with this guy. There was no memory at all of a husband.

Then I left to go find my mom’s car (life path). Outside the trailer I stood on a dirt road. I began to walk toward where I believed the car was and watched the guy I had been with take a road on the right. I knew the roads met up in the same place.

Along the way I encountered a guy pushing a white pick-up truck (hard work) backwards down the road. He pushed it through a mound of dirt and it pushed the dirt as if it was a bulldozer. I said to the man, “Why don’t you just get in and drive?” The man did and drove the truck away.

As I approached parked cars I began to search for my mom’s red car. I pushed the key fob and heard a beeping. I followed the sound to the road that met up with the road the guy took. Hearing the sound I saw a red colored car and went toward it but it was not my mom’s. I turned toward a building and saw a pair of someone’s glasses (clarity needed) on the dirt road. I picked them up and said, “Did someone lose their glasses?” I saw men sitting in a waiting area but none were the owner.

Message

I woke briefly and then fell into the in-between where a mini-dream played out. I recall being taken to an old folk’s home – a rest home – to live out my last days. I was much younger than all the other residents but I didn’t care. I felt ready to be there. A man was with me and helped get me settled in. He said to me, “You’ll be leaving in 8 days but only if you’re strong enough.” It felt like I would be picked up and transported somewhere.

The message was audible enough that I became more lucid and questioned what the man meant by “strong enough”. I was shown an emoji. It was the puking emoji. The sight of it was funny and I thought, “I guess if I’m not sick I can go….”

Considerations

The dream and message seems to indicate that I am in a period of healing. The rest home is likely meant to indicate that I am needing rest.

My best guess about the dream with the blonde man is that I was looking at something from my past, an alternate reality, or being shown something about my character. The unusual part of it was that I was seeking the attention of this man and he was ignoring me, using me even, and I continued to have this feeling of needing his attention and approval. This is very unlike me. My first thought when considering my behavior is that I was seeking to know how it might feel to be treated that way; looking to gain understanding of another’s perspective.

I keep dreaming of my mom which I find interesting. It seems that I am looking to a more mature or wise version of myself for answers. Maybe my HS? In this dream I am looking for my mom’s car – life path/soul purpose – but I can’t find it. So maybe I feel out of touch with my true path and purpose. The lost glasses is likely me recognizing my inability to see or find clarity.

 

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Dream: I Quit!

Slept amazingly well but woke in a depressed mood. My life felt suddenly very heavy and burdensome. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep all day.

I tried to return to sleep but couldn’t. Instead, I fell into the in-between where I entered into a conversation with a male guide. He said to me, “Sometimes judgement is unavoidable. Who have you judged recently?” This prompted me to begin thinking about some things I said about someone. As is my style, I was very honest to the point of mean. This was my response to being disappointed and hurt. I recognized how I often lash out at the person who hurts me, focusing on all the negatives I can find to justify my decision to hurt them in return and disconnect. This I do to protect myself from future hurt but at the same time it often alienates me from people, especially people who are sensitives.

The dreams of the night came were memorable and likely the cause of my waking up in a depressed mood.

Dream: I Quit

This dream began with me cutting a long cord that spread across many desks or the tops of beds (can’t recall well enough which it was). The cord was actually made of several cords of different colors wound around each other and the entire thing was tied to several posts (desks, beds, who knows). I cut the ties and then began working on the main cord. There was worry the things the cord connected would all come crashing down, but they didn’t. Instead the cord went lax and fell limply to the ground. I remember the main colors of cord and ties to be red.

A woman approached and the scene transformed into a classroom (life lessons). I was standing at the back as she propped up what had fallen down – again it appeared to be desks (learning) but also headboards from beds (private/personal side).

The next thing I recall is entering a small room lined with desks and computers. People were coming in and sitting down and chatting. I began chatting with a few who I knew. They were teachers and so was I. The teachers were all returning from summer break and attending a meeting which is the norm each year for returning teachers.

I was especially cheerful because I knew I did not have to return to work. The feeling was as if I had unloaded a ton of bricks from my shoulders. The other teachers were asking me if I was coming back and I said cheerfully, “No. I quit!” There was discussion about my previous part-time job. Someone said, “You got paid more working part-time didn’t you?” I said, “Yes. Isn’t that awesome?”

As the room began to fill up I noticed a couple of teachers sitting toward the back. Someone I was talking to pointed them out, saying, “They always do that – sit in the back and avoid everyone. They always seem grumpy, too.” I said, “I use to be like that. I never liked coming back from summer break. It felt like I was losing my freedom and all the stresses of the year ahead would be on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do was socialize with everyone.” I could completely relate to the two antisocial teachers and did not judge them for how they were acting, but I was happy to not be in their shoes.

The scene shifted and I was traveling down a road really fast. I believe I was flying but it seemed like someone was driving a vehicle we were on, though I never saw one. The person driving suddenly turned left into mounds of dirt and shrub. The road was especially bumpy (bumpy life path) and we were knocked around. I was protesting, asking him why he was going off-road, when suddenly a perfectly paved road appeared out of nowhere (less complicated path). Things smoothed out and ahead I could see a tall mountain (spirituality) destination.

When we got to the mountain I knew that on top was entrance to a deep pool (healing and regeneration) that was inside the mountain. People would come swim there. We went to the top and sure enough people were in the pool. It was crystal clear and sparkled blue.

I don’t recall much here. There was conversation with others and then I remember seeing what I thought was a black turkey (fear, cowardice) in the distance. I went closer to take a photo and the turkey morphed into some kind of goose (joy, contentment) or water fowl. I then noticed the area was absolutely gorgeous with flowering trees and deep crystal clear pools of water. There was a glass divider between the garden and pools that was difficult to see and paths that wound through the gardens. More birds like the goose were walking along the paths alongside people.

There was a shift here and discussion about teaching resumed. I recall meeting a male teacher who propositioned me. He told me he was selling his house (aspect of self) located up in the hills. What I mostly recall here is that I was not interested in his proposition but could feel an intoxicating energy coming off of him so I let him show me his house on the hill.

Inside the house was very beautiful but extremely dark (shadow self, unknown). His family was there to include a young child and his mom. I commented on how dark it was inside. What I recall most is that when I was walking from the living area to the kitchen (spiritual nourishment) the floor fell down at an angle several feet. I almost fell and mentioned that it was a hazard.

When I went back to the man he had morphed into a very obese (overindulgence, laziness) woman with rolls of fat. I suddenly felt to be male and I professed my love and dedication to the fat woman. I went over, hugged her and stroked her clothed fat rolls and large breasts, kissing her. I recall feeling an immense love for her and being so dedicated that I would assist her in anything even when she did things that were not good for her. It felt very unhealthy.

Interpretation 

The dream seems to begin with me literally cutting cords to certain things in my life. To me it feels like I am expressing my dissatisfaction with the path of learning (desks) and my private life/self (bed). Since the desks and beds seem to be one in the same, then the learning path IS my private life/self.

The classroom portion of the dream where I proclaim “I quit!” feels like a further proclamation that I no longer want to be on a specific learning path. I recognize myself in some of the other teachers – how I avoid others and sit at the back of the room. The proclamation feels amazing, like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. It felt similar to how I have felt every time I quit a job I hated.

The going off-road portion of the dream likely symbolizes a time when I literally go off path and this leads to a “bumpy” time but then smooths out as a paved road appears. The mountain pool indicates that once this bumpy period smooths out there will be a period of regeneration and healing.

The last portion of the dream is strange to me. I sometimes have dreams where I shift gender and I am never quite sure what this means. I do know that the obese woman indicates someone who is lazy and tending toward gluttony (overindulgence) in life. Perhaps she is me and I am agreeing to let her be this way.

Considerations

All in all it seems like I am needing a break because I am overwhelmed by the losses I have encountered on my spiritual path. When I feel overwhelmed by loss and disappointment I tend to shut down or, even worse, rebel. My rebellion often comes in purposefully doing the opposite of what I know I should do. So I would not be surprised if my path got a little bumpy. It doesn’t usually last long, though, because I tend to lose interest in being angry and resentful. It takes too much energy.

The “I quit” part of the dream could also be in reference to current considerations I am having about my job. I was asked to take on even more responsibilities last week. It was explained to me that there would be no “helper” positions anymore. The position I originally took on was to help but now that is being eliminated. I am being asked to shift out of that mindset. It will be a gradual process but the idea of adding more to my already high workload is not appealing to me. With added responsibilities I will have to go into the office more frequently and this may end up completely ending my work from home arrangement.

The new parts I am being asked to add include payroll, taxes and assets. Payroll is the biggest. It happens every two weeks and I have been watching my coworker struggle with it to the point of it causing her undue stress. I have no desire to have that stress added to my life. Not at all.

So I am stuck trying to decide what to do. I could negotiate for more pay and to continue to work from home. I could probably get both but even then the idea of all the extra work doesn’t sit well with me. Why can’t I just work part-time from home?

It seems always to be my pattern that after about 1 year of working somewhere I want to leave the job. I get bored. Things and people at work start to irritate me. I become less and less accommodating. The money is no longer enough to quiet my discontent. I get this restless feeling inside that when not listened to often erupts either at work or at home or both. Usually I stay as long as I can in order to keep the money coming in. Money is the only reason I work. The only reason I am at this job is because we needed money. We still do but I have saved quite a bit now and it is tempting to just go back to not working. Really tempting.

Interestingly, I woke this morning to a song in my head – “I just wanna run….” lol