Tag Archives: mindfulness

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Follow Your Beingness

The following is an excerpt from my personal journal from November 8th. It is what preceded the post called “I Finally Feel it”.

Couldn’t return to sleep for thoughts of “what if” but, seeing it as an opportunity, decided to work on mindfulness while I waited for the sun to rise.

I found it helpful and my heartrate stayed lower. If I began thinking of negative things I would redirect myself either purposefully thinking of positive things to better manifest what I wanted or focusing on my breathing and body. Once settled, my mind was pulled to the previous day.

It occurred to me yesterday (Nov. 7) after watching an NDE account that it would serve me best to focus on doing things based upon a heart centered approach. When I considered what that meant, I had to confront the conditioning related to this idea. Heart centered has been conveyed as all Love and Light, which is, honestly, BS. This is dualism at its best. Love and Light is wonderful but who defines what that is? If I know anything after some 49 years of life so far, I have learned “right” and “wrong” is not clear cut. What one believes is right another may not. Rightness is a decision made by the individual. This decision is based upon conditioning. This conditioning runs deep. 

So when someone says to “listen to your heart” what does that even mean? I think most people believe it means “listen to your feelings”, but that is a trap. Feelings are subject to change and prone to reactivity. So what about making decisions based upon love? Well, what is love, really? The definition itself is so vague that some people spend their wholes lives trying to figure it out. Is it a feeling? Is it an urge? Is it lust? Is it belonging? What I have learned via my STE’s is that love is not at all what humans believe it to be. Humans decide what love is to them – usually that which makes them feel good. Good being, typically, a dopamine rush to the brain. Dopamine rushes are based upon conditioning, also. So one person may feel a rush when they hug another person while another might feel it when they go on a hunt and shoot and kill an animal. Would you define the former as love? The latter? 

The reality is BOTH are love. ALL of this experience, all of who we are is love. Love isn’t an emotion it is a Beingness. It is us in all our glory, “the good, the bad and the ugly” as the saying goes.

So, to advise someone to follow their heart in reality means “follow your Beingness”. 

When we follow our Beingness it may contradict another’s Beingness, or seem to anyway. Then we beat ourselves up, feel guilt, feel upset, feel – well we feel. All of these feelings are part of our conditioning. They were put there purposefully by us via our life experiences to help us learn. When we cross over, all this conditioning vanishes, and all we are is love (Beingness). All the feelings we had as humans vanish because they are part of the human condition. In Spirit those feelings are there as memories and are not individuated. In fact, those in Spirit who I have communicated with appear to me to be devoid of feeling. It can make a human witness to this very uncomfortable and did when I first began communicating with Spirit guides. Why didn’t they care!? Were they robots? No. They’re not human. 

All of the above came to me when considering my issues with my ex and the things that kept me anchored to him (cords as some call them) in this lifetime. I am choosing to stay anchored to him and it is my choice to detach. Upon inspection I found that mostly I am making this choice unconsciously – out of habit and also out of resistance to change. Habit is pretty easy to fix. Resistance is more difficult. My resistance arises from not looking for the alternatives out of fear mostly, fear of not being in control. This is part of my conditioning. Many of us humans have it. We believe we have control as part of this illusion, but we do not. For me this has been one of my most challenging lessons in life. I have to be very aware of my thoughts to notice just how fearful I am. The only solution is mindfulness and making effort to stay present in the moment. Fear is the direct result of being human and having to survive in order to remain alive (in a body). It is instinctual and a biological impulse. 

So when my guides advise me to “Look” (common advice from them) they are asking me to look for the possibilities that exist outside my fearful mindset because when you drop the fear, suddenly you can see a path that wasn’t there before. “Allow” is also common advice from my guidance and allowing comes with remaining in the present and moving with instead of against the flow of ones Beingness. 

This morning when my mind wandered to things that were not helpful I was reminded of the above. Keeping my mind clear allowed me to connect to myself, my Beingness, and the more I can do this, the more I will continue upon the correct path for myself. “Correct” being what I planned prior to this life. And yes it might involve me doing things that others might view as “bad” or “nonoptimal” or “selfish” or whatever judgment you want to apply. As long as it holds true to my Beingness, then it is correct for me and correct for those I agreed to help in this lifetime via previous agreements (contracts) with them.

Honestly, it is simple. Stop worrying, stop over thinking, quiet your mind, and follow your Beingness. 

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A String of Realizations

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment to get a crown and repair a filling. I wasn’t looking forward to it because my past experiences have not been the best. Mainly it is because no matter how much they numb me I somehow still feel pain. It isn’t horrible but enough that I tense up in anticipation of more. 

Rather than dwell on the upcoming appointment, I decided to put it out of my mind and focus on happy thoughts. The night before I remember thinking, “By this time tomorrow I will have a new crown” and the thought felt solid and reassuring. On the commute in that morning, I listened to calming music. What is cool is one song was about how this is all life is a dream. I took that message and reminded myself that I control my dreams and what happens is up to me. 

When I arrived the receptionist asked me if I wanted to get nitrous. I told her I thought it wasn’t a good idea because in the past it seemed only to make my anxiety worse. I’m not even sure where the idea came from the skip it this time, either, it just felt right.

As I sat waiting for the dentist to arrive and numb me, I thought about how I should be focusing on the fact that I would be getting a new tooth rather than on the pain that might accompany the procedure. I compared it to other times when I’ve considered a certain amount of pain “worth it”. I also kept thinking to myself, “It will be fine. There won’t be any issues.” 

When I got numbed I noticed something I had never noticed before. The tooth that was to be worked on was numb all the way up through the root. I could feel it distinctly. I commented to the dentist that I didn’t recall ever feeling it like that in the past. 

The moment the drill hit my tooth I tensed up and began to feel my heart pounding in my chest. I focused on breathing and relaxing. Moments later, when it was clear there would be no pain, I relaxed.

At one point I was acutely aware of the drill on my tooth and knew it was not a good idea to focus on it like I was. So I focused on my breath and wiggled my toes a bit. I didn’t focus on the drilling again after that.

In the two hours that I was there I didn’t feel even a niggle of pain. Nada. In fact, at the end I was so relaxed I was near sleep! That’s never happened to me at the dentist!

When I got home I marveled at how seamlessly the dentist visit had gone. I knew I had created the experience and it was a wonderful feeling. 

Dreams Match Reality

Recently I had a realization that I believe contributed to my dentist experience. I woke up a couple of days ago thinking about how I prefer my dreams to my waking reality. I thought, “It shouldn’t be that way. The two realities should support one another. My goal should be to merge my dream reality with physical reality, not on how to avoid the physical reality altogether.” It was clear that my two realities were out of sync. In general, I feel free and unencumbered during dreamtime while I feel trapped and stifled in my waking reality.  

With this in mind I wondered, “How do I make my waking reality experience match my dream experience?”

I didn’t dwell on the how for very long. Some memories came to me of certain dream experiences that I would like to have manifest in this reality, but ultimately it felt like the experiences themselves were not the answer. 

It’s All About Intention

After my dental experience, it became very clear to me that the way to bring the two realities into balance is to set an intention and keep focusing on that intention. With my dental experience, I intended to have a pain-free experience and kept focusing on what I wanted, not what I did not want. 

Knowing this is the route I need to take, I am now left wondering what intention to set each day. Most days I do not have much of anything going on. Should I just set the intention to have a “good day”? Or should it be more like setting the intention to go with the flow of life?

Ultimately, I think my intention should be about how I want to feel more than trying to visualize specific movements or moments.

What is a challenge for me at times is not getting caught up in thoughts that can take me down not-so-nice rabbit holes. For example, last night as I was settling down to sleep, thoughts about my sister came to mind. They were worries mostly and thoughts about my failure to help. I felt an inner tug to focus on sending love rather than to focus on my thoughts. When I did this, the thoughts vanished and I recognized how simple and effective a solution it was.

Still, later in the evening, bored and a bit restless, I began to feel my thoughts pulling me in directions I didn’t want to go. So, I got up out of bed and did some yoga, focusing on breathing and gratitude, feeling into my body and solidifying my connection to it. I remember thinking, “What do I want to create?” My answer was: Bliss.

Over the past few years I’ve grown very out of practice with intention setting both in my dreams and waking reality. I use to be very good at controlling my thoughts and emotions during dreamtime. Now I just find myself pulled along in my dreams, doing seemingly random things. If I do become lucid it isn’t for long and there remains a kind of dullness to my perceptions. Funny enough, my waking reality isn’t much different. Numbed perceptions for the most part and feeling pulled along by life.

Pay Attention to Your Dreams

Recently there has been a promising shift in my dreamtime experiences. For example, while OOB I said to myself, “I am awareness.” I then directed the experience a bit more while also listening to my guidance and following their suggestions. 

The key now is to make similar progress in my waking reality. 

What’s important to remember is that past experiences are not necessarily indicative of how present and future ones will unfold. I am learning new material now. It is about putting what I’ve learned to practice and I’ve not been doing a very good job. All my dreams of being in school, repeating classes, missing assignments and skipping school are pointing to that fact. I had one last night, in fact, where I had skipped too many classes (30 days) and was being reprimanded. lol

It is clear to me that my preference has been to wallow in past upsets or failures over pushing forward into new, uncharted territory. It can be difficult to let go of the past, especially those parts involving strong emotionally charged experiences. I have a tendency to pluck from that long dead “tree” the remaining remnants of its delicious fruit but it just doesn’t taste the same anymore. It is dying just like the tree did.

It is time to cultivate something new; thus the dreams of gardening and planting seeds in rich, black soil.

Right now I’m not really able to see anything ahead except blackness. Rather than despair over this fact as I have in the past, I prefer to think of the blackness as a clean slate ready for painting. All I know is how I wish to feel and how I want that feeling to grow and remain a constant in my life. So, that feeling will be my paint and I will prep the canvas with it. The picture will eventually emerge, just like my 52 Light Code Oracle paintings did. 

And while a part of me wants to linger on my failure to recognize all of the above while wandering about seemingly aimlessly in my waking life, another part recognizes that it was all purposeful and part of my own, individual process of healing and acceptance. Because, in the end, life really isn’t about the destination but the journey.

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Back to the Basics

I skimmed through a book yesterday. The title was From Stress to Stillness: Tools for Inner Peace. I only read it because I have been feeling unbalanced and a bit unsettled and so was seeking some resolution. 

Here are some quotes I wrote down that resonated with me. Some resonated so deeply I had tears in my eyes:

“The ego often pushes us toward goals that aren’t ultimately fulfilling, ones that don’t really fit for us but are driven by fear and a sense of lack and not being good enough. Or the ego might limit us by talking us out of pursuing goals and activities that would make our heart sing.” p. 7

“When we allow the egoic mind to run our activities, we end up feeling like a machine: souless and joyless.” p. 21

“The ego wants clarity now, but clarity about how to proceed happens in its own time. Sometimes we have to patiently wait for Life to show us the next step. Sometimes not having clarity is the clarity.” p. 71

“These communications from our heart feel good, even euphoric. How gracious of Life to point the way with good feelings! And the unpleasant feelings and depression we experience when we believe the mind’s lies and half-truths are how Life shows us which directions not to go in. How benevolent of Life!” p. 76

All of the above quotes moved me/resonated but the last one especially. When I read about allowing the heart to show me the way I had a shot of energy hit my heart. It came in from the lower left of my body like a lightning bolt. When it hit I recognized something and I began to cry. It was an instant “ah-ha” about something I had missed from over a year ago now. I suddenly knew everything I was reading was true to me, especially the part where the ego convinced me that what my heart wants is not the “logical” thing to do. I saw instances where I had ignored my heart and listened to my egos lies and “logic”. I saw how my depression has always been a warning that I am heading in the wrong direction.

Sadly, the book was very repetitive so I ended up skimming through several chapters which is okay because I believe I received the messages I was meant to. 

The book indicated to me that I had allowed my egoic mind to pull me into it’s nonsense once again. It is so easy to get pulled in and the author reminds the reader not to despair. The ego is part of the many challenges we face when we descend into these physical bodies. Rather than judge myself harshly I should make a course correction. 

So I am going to return to daily meditation, aiming at 30 minutes to start with the goal of an hour daily. I did this successfully last night but since I am out of practice my mind wandered quite a bit and I struggled to get comfortable. 

At one point, toward the end, I found myself witnessing a visual of a word moving across my field of vision. It was written in 3D letters and said, “Postpone”. Not long after this message I was startled by what seemed like very loud music. Music had always been part of the meditation so I thought, “When did the music stop?” I realized that it hadn’t. I had shifted into a deeper state, one where the music blended into the silence.

Years ago I would meditate frequently in order to achieve a conscious OBE. I became so adept at it that I would go into trance very quickly upon entering a meditative state. I became so good at it that I ended up in trance at the most inappropriate times – like driving my car! Meditation is like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it even if you stop practicing. This time I want to use my meditation practice to find Silence rather than exit my body. I have gone OOB enough. Now it is time to focus on being IN the body but not in the mind (ego). 

One would think after having the realizations I had from this book that I would change course drastically, but I’m not – can’t. To do so would most certainly throw me back into the chaos of my mind. I have to start slow which is why I am going to begin with my meditation goal and observe my thoughts throughout the day. As the author of the book reminds, those thoughts are not mine. They are an illusion, a part of the false self. 

The book also helped me to see that there are many things I am doing right. Many choices I made from the heart, choices where I opted to slow down and focus more on what matters to me rather than what society and others pushed upon me. I chose to leave teaching and counseling. I chose to stay home and work part-time. I chose to work in a career that gave me more freedom, less stress and more time with my children. I tossed money out the door as my primary consideration. 

There are many, many other examples. I may be human and flawed. I may be a bit deaf when it comes to my heart. We all are. Ultimately, we listen, even if at times it means we struggle in the dark for a while before we do.