Tag Archives: music messages

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Music Message: I Won’t Back Down

It’s been an interesting few days. The energy has stabilized somewhat. I am sleeping better, my dreams often lost to me upon waking. I feel physically good but mentally bored. I long for a deeper connection with the world and with others. Interactions feel superficial in comparison.

Mostly I’ve been keeping busy. This often helps quiet my internal dialogue. I’ve been very physically active, running and lifting weights. Sunday I ran 13.2 miles and then yesterday I ran another 3.1 miles. When I run I don’t think. My mind goes quiet and all that remains is the present moment. It is such a relief! Thus the 13.2 miles on Sunday. lol It got me out of the house, away from the seemingly constant fighting and irritability of my children, and into nature under the wide open blue sky. I felt like I could have run forever until my calves started cramping and I realized my body wasn’t up for it. LOL

Yesterday, I started back working on my CES course (Corrective Exercise Specialist). I have until April to finish it and I do not like leaving things unfinished. Once I pass the test I will be able to use it with my personal trainer certification, if I choose to that is. I have not felt motivated toward that end just yet. However, last night after attending a group run, one of the group members complained of sciatic nerve pain and I showed him and a few others some stretches they could do to help alleviate the pain. One guy got on the floor with me to try it himself. When I showed them the full version of it (shoelace pose), the entire room stopped and gasped at my ability to seemingly contort my body into the position I was in. It made me laugh because 1. I don’t think of myself as flexible and they were commenting on how flexible I am and 2. I hadn’t expected so much attention. As a Leo I am at my best in such situations, so it was fun for me and felt good.

As I mentioned, dreams have been hard to recall lately, but I have had a few that seem significant.

Dream: Into the Vagina

This was a semi-lucid dream/vision. I had just awakened and then fell back to sleep and was in and out of the in-between. Someone took my hand and led me down into my own vagina (yeah really! lol). I entered into a dark tunnel at the end of which I saw a light. It felt like I was being shown something important; something healing. So, I was curious and did not resist.

I floated through the tunnel and found myself in a very brightly lit hospital. There were people, nurses and doctors mostly, hustling about. It felt very comfortable, as if I had spent many, many hours in this place. I remember encountering a female nurse who showed me a clipboard with paperwork on it.

Then I lifted up and floated to other areas of the hospital where I saw rooms with occupants. I never lingered in any spot very long. It was more like I was surveying the scene. As I floated I became more and more lucid and could hear a male voice in the background of my mind, as if he were whispering to me. I knew we were conversing and this peaked my lucidity which then woke me up.

After I awoke, the life where I was a nurse was flashing through my mind. I wondered if perhaps I was being shown past life memories? Maybe there was something from that life that is currently affecting this one, specifically my sacral chakra?

In that life I had been a black woman who worked as a nurse. I do not think I was paid well, nor do I think I got the recognition I deserved considering the era I lived in. I recall becoming infected with Hepatitis C from contact with a dirty syringe and later dying of liver failure. My children sang “I’ll Fly Away” to me on my deathbed in 1963. I had lived in Mississippi.

That was a very abusive life, yet also a very full and rewarding life as a mother and caregiver to others. Perhaps I was being shown the hospital to help remind me of the good I did in that life? Or maybe of my nurturing side? It is hard to know for sure.

federacin andaluza de galgos

Dream: Dog Race

I was traveling in a car with my husband. We were going to see a woman perform because my husband insisted. He was going on and on about all the reasons this woman was wonderful and there was no convincing him otherwise. I remember being irritated by his tendency to idolize and/or create role models out of others.

As we drove into the city I saw people walking toward the event we were to attend. A woman was dressed (projections, outward appearance) in what looked like a potato bag with a collar. My husband was commenting on how beautiful and elegant her dress was. I made a joke about how uncomfortable it must be to wear.

At some point we split off (different life paths), me alone in my own car. He went to the left and I headed straight. Suddenly, I came to a stop sign and had to slam on my brakes to avoid going through the intersection. There were only two ways to go: left or straight. I opted to go straight.

Very soon after making this decision I realized that I had gone into a circular drive (repeating cycle). I immediately began to search for an exit. The drive led to a dog racing track (looking out for self and own needs) and stadium. I could see the little dogs on the track and hear the announcer on the loud speaker telling the audience how much time was left until the races started. The countdown (feeling strapped for time) was very near zero so I had to find a way out.

I was not in my car during this time. I walked across a green area back toward the entrance. I dragged with me a plush sofa chair (laziness or boredom). Why I was carrying this, I have no clue, but it was with me until the end of the dream. When I got to the entrance I heard the races begin. There was a lady at the entrance locking up the gate with chains and padlocks. When I approached her, I asked where the exit was. She scolded me, telling me that the only way out was through the entrance and that I should have known that. I apologized and asked if she could open it, which she would not. Instead she suggested I squeeze through the gate and between the chains. I tried but said I was too tall and couldn’t fit. Clearly irritated with me, she opened the gate and let me through.

Relieved to be out, I walked to my right. The street was now gone and replaced with the inside of a very nice building reminiscent of a college (lessons). I walked down the hallway and sat on a bench, placing my sofa chair next to me. I waited there, wondering what to do next, and bothered by an itch in the middle of my back that I couldn’t reach (pun on itch that can’t be scratch).

I slowly began to gain lucidity at this time. A song was going through my head – You ain’t never had a friend like me. Along with it were images of my high school days when I was captain of the color guard. Good memories overall, I often smile at the thought of them.

When I awoke the song was on my mind as were the memories of performing the flag routine on a football field for UIL competition. Every time I hear the song I think of that moment and how exhilarating and exciting it was to perform with the other members of the color guard. We won the competition that year. We performed all the songs from Aladdin, routines we all collaborated on but that were mostly created by me. Thus, the sense of pride and accomplishment that comes with the memory. When I think of what it is to be a good leader, I think of that year and the amazing feelings that go with it.

As I lingered in bed, I mulled over the dream that preceded the song and wondered what it could mean. Immediately, my husband’s tendency to fixate on certain “awesome” individuals came to mind. He often asks me, “Who is someone you look to as a role model?” I never have one and usually say, “I don’t have any role models.” He can’t understand this and usually presses me, saying, “Think about it. Surely there’s someone you seek to emulate?” I always respond, “Nope.” When he continues to press me, I explain that I see positive traits in everyone, but also negative. There is no person who is “perfect”; all have flaws. Thus, it never made sense to me to select one over all others to be my “role model”. Instead, I tend to appreciate the good traits in those I associate with and work to better those things in myself. That is as close as I ever get to idolizing someone usually. And if I am honest, if I have ever considered idolizing someone I have always found some equally negative aspect in them.

Then I wondered about the end of the dream, how I sat there not knowing what to do. It brought up feelings of apathy about the future and other issues that have plagued me this life. I thought of the “dog race” in the dream and how it reflects previous dream messages – “go slow” and “go forward slowly, it’s not a race to the end”. There was again the feeling of waiting for something, for the years to pass so I could get to the “good parts”. There seemed to be so few of them.

I could feel my inner guide throughout this time, encouraging me to go to my center. This I did frequently, always feeling this comfortable place at my core and the warm energy that goes along with it. The feeling is similar to floating in warm water. No urgency. No fear. Just comfort and ease.

Then I noticed another song came into my mind – I Won’t Back Down.

At first I thought the song was about my husband. It definitely fit his personality. He is so stubborn and persistent!! But now I think it may have been a message to me to keep going, to not give up. Maybe it is both, though.

I am reminded of the years I spent living at my old address near my mom’s house in the country. We lived there 7 years. In that time there was a period when I wanted desperately to leave but no matter how hard I tried, things just didn’t work out. It felt like I was stuck there. There were periods when I despaired over the feeling of needing/wanting to go but being tethered to the spot for reasons unknown to me. I suspected I needed to stay for my mom, but really I had no idea why I had to stay.

Then one day a song came to mind – “7 years went under the bridge”. I don’t remember the whole song now, not even the melody, but that specific portion of the lyrics remains firm in my memory. I had no idea at the time that “7 years” was the key part of the message. 7 years was when the Kundalini suddenly began to return. 7 years was when we sold our house. 7 years was when my grandmother passed away. 7 years was when my third child was born. 7 years was when my mom remarried. 7 years was when I was hit with sudden Knowing that it was Time and I acted upon it.

That was 2014 and things really accelerated after that. But now they are slow again and I am feeling that problematic “stuck” feeling. Sigh. I know that familiar sense of Knowing will come again but when, I don’t know. If is is 7 years like before then I have 3 more to go and that seems like an eternity to me. But hey, if it is that long then I know it will arrive super fast because the older I get, the faster time seems to fly by. Today I’m 42, tomorrow I’m 60. lol

So, in the meanwhile, I’ll keep busy like I always do. I’ll finish my CES course. I’ll keep working. I’ll keep running. I’ll keep being a mom and I’ll keep learning the lessons this period in my life has to teach me. Hopefully, I won’t have to repeat any of them.

 

 

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Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

I’m on alert this morning. Something is up energy-wise. I had a very Kundalini-filled night’s sleep and have been awake since 4:30am. Similarly, I have heard various others had limited or no sleep last night. For example, my SIL called my husband really early this morning because she couldn’t sleep last night. Also, my son was up at 2am from a dream about the center of the Earth being made out of white bread called the “bread stone” that men ate in order to create the other planets (no kidding!). 😀

While at work I saw news that Alaska experienced a 7.0 earthquake. This especially interested me since I use to live in Alaska. I instantly knew it was somehow connected to last night’s sleeplessness.

I thought maybe I had somehow missed that it was a full moon, but nope, it’s at the last quarter, so that can’t be it. Whatever is going on, I am on full alert. The Kundalini is especially active in my heart center today. Hello heart bliss!

Kundalini Dream: Time Traveling

This dream began with me watching a version of myself going to the dentist (feeling anxious) and receiving her new retainers. I saw the retainers in a clear case and recall the dentist giving instruction on their use.

Then I was with a man who I had never met in person but had known online. We were at his house/apartment and he was instructing me on how to fit in with his time. It was obvious that I was some 20+ years in the future as so much was different! We talked for a long time about various things, mostly how things were different from my time. He had dark hair and seemed a bit older than me with pale skin and kind eyes. He showed me these special contacts (new awareness needed) that people wore in his time. They allowed people to see things that were not there otherwise. They were like computers that were worn in the eyes. There were five sets and I was focused on the one called “C+” though it looked more like a @ with a C in the middle instead of an A. He told me to buy all five of the different contacts because I would not be able to function in his time without them.

I attempted to use my credit card to buy them. Though my card showed as valid I had to scan a bar-code for the transaction to be approved. I didn’t have one. The man told me if I had been of his time I would have a bar-code on my left hand located between the thumb and the pointer finger. The bar-code made it impossible for anyone to steal another person’s identity or information for their use.

He seemed upset by this news and was concerned about how I would live in his time. I would not be able to see what he saw and would not be able to go out and about and do normal things others could do. I said to him, “Why don’t you come live in my time?” When I said this I had a flash of everything that would happen between my time and his. I knew that for him to come to my time would expose him to a major world war and difficult times he would otherwise not have to endure. It was a lot to ask of him.

He turned to me and asked me,”Why do you stay with me?” I did not hesitate to answer. I immediately hugged him close and said, “I feel good when I’m with you.” There was this lovely feeling that enveloped me when we hugged. My heart exploded in bliss and love. Being with him washed me in this amazing feeling of security but it was intermixed with vulnerability; full-exposure of me – nothing hidden.

Heart Bliss

I awoke, my heart washed in bliss, feeling an amazing love and connection for the man in my dream. Now fully awake, I sought him out and found him/his energy/HS close by. I saw a visual of him standing in front of me. He placed his hand on my heart and I placed mine on his. I was instantly hit with Divine bliss and an overwhelming vulnerability.

The more I allowed our connection the more I felt all the different reactions I had to it. There was fear of the vulnerability and exposure evident. There was also a reaction of fear toward the feeling of loss of control. The connection makes me feel 100% open and exposed and with it I completely surrender. This surrender of self and control of self is what is scary. I want to completely submit to him. This goes against the way I was raised and how I tend to respond to others, especially men. Yet when with the merging of my energy with this masculine energy, this is what I do. Why? Is that how it is suppose to be?

While talking with this energy I saw a vision of a group of people standing in a line facing me. They were all over 40 years old and it felt like they were waiting on me for something. I then had a mini-dream about getting married. Then I saw a vision of a city materialize in front of me. It was like a portal to the city in the future from the dream. I knew it was not on Earth, at least not this Earth.

OBEs

I struggled to fall asleep because of the heart bliss. It kept surging and I would become lost in it. There is nothing like it. It’s so beautiful it nearly always brings me to tears.

Somehow I ended up OOB and in my room. I exited more than four times. Each time I ended up back in my body when I tried to leave the room. One time I surrendered and seemed to fall backwards into a void. When I did this my vision turned on and a ray of light was shining down onto the space in front of the closet. As I floated over to the light, I asked why it was that I was not given any type of evidence that my work here is having an impact. I remember looking down at a piece of paper I held in my hand as I read my mission as if to remind myself why I was here on Earth. I asked for some kind of encouragement – some kind of proof I was doing what I came here to do – explaining that I needed it because it was hard to keep motivated otherwise.

Another time, I exited my body and was able to leave the room by surrendering to the energy – letting go of all control of the situation and experience. Then, I found myself outside of the room floating over the stairs. I floated down the dark stairs, singing to help stabilize my energy. When I headed to the front door I was pulled swiftly back into my body. It felt like I was being told not to roam. Even singing didn’t help, which it usually does.

When I came into my body I was fully relaxed, my body buzzing with soothing vibrations, my heart still firing up with waves of bliss. A song – Kansas City – was in my head:


And I love you dear, but just how long
Can I keep singing the same old song
I’m going back to Kansas City

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Melancholy

I just returned from a vacation with my husband. We celebrated our 11th anniversary by taking a trip to Rainbow Hearth Lodge which is located on Lake Buchanan. We stayed three days and two nights. The interesting thing is that on Thanksgiving, as I talked with my mom about our trip to the first state park on day 1, both my brother-in-laws looked at me in shock and told me they were going to be at the very same park at the exact same time. Neither had shared their plans with me or my husband as they knew we had a trip planned already. So, we ended up hanging with family on the first day of our trip all because of a “coincidence”. Ha!

The trip was fun and busy. We visited two state parks, running trails and hiking. By the end we ran over 16 miles and hiked around 4. In between we relaxed in our room and enjoyed the home cooking of the lady who owns the lodge while chatting with the other guests, a total of three women. Yeah, it’s a very small place and that’s why we like it.

We fished on Lake Buchanan the first day, after our visit to Inks Lake. I caught a black bass, about a 3lb one. Afterwards, my husband looked like he wanted to try so I handed him my rod and went to fetch another. By the time I got back he had tangled the line so I gave him the one I fetched and fixed the tangled mess. While I was fixing my rod he tangled the other one (a push-button) into such a bird’s nest that I started to laugh at his total lack of fishing know-how. He had been trying to fly fish with a regular rod and reel. LOL Ultimately, I gave up on him. I didn’t get another chance to fish but I was happy with my one. 🙂

Overall I had a good time. I couldn’t sleep the first night but crashed the second. I think the near 12 mile run did me in, but in a good way. I got my fill of nature, that’s for sure!

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Dream: Tattooed Man

As I mentioned, the first night at the lodge I struggled to fall asleep. This always happens to me in new places, so I wasn’t surprised. Eventually I fell asleep but had a very odd dream.

I was aware of both laying in my bed and being outside with a tiny monkey (intuition, feeling playful) on my shoulder. The monkey was trying to get away. I saw a playground in the distance with kids on it. The kids wanted to play with the monkey so I let him go. He looked like a spider monkey.

In my bed I felt a man to my left. I assumed it was my husband. I began to feel the Kundalini energy stirring. It seemed like I was working with the energy, trying to build it. I remember turning to the man who I thought was my husband and waking him up. He rolled over and sat on top of me. He said, “Happy anniversary”. I couldn’t see his face it was as if someone had smudged it out or blurred it. I didn’t care, though, because my heart chakra was on fire and a trail of intense energy was shooting down into my root chakra. I grabbed onto his hips and pulled him to me. I saw him seem to stand up and touch the ceiling with his hands. He was enormous and towered over me, arms raised to the ceiling, palms pressed against it as if holding it up (could indicate strength, support). I could see tattoos (trying to get me to notice him, to communicate something) up and down his arms. They were in dark ink and some were very colorful. I can’t remember what they were of now, just that they covered the entirety of his arms.

When I woke I was in shock and my heart was still lit up along with my lower charkas. I knew the man from the dream couldn’t have been my husband. Who was he? Whoever he was, he made sure to wish me a happy anniversary on the day of my anniversary. The Kundalini gift he gave was awesome, too!

Message: Go Slow

The next morning, after a wonderful night’s sleep that was mostly dreamless, I woke up to a familiar and long-missed connection. My heart lit up and, honestly, it surprised the heck out of me. The energy of the connection swirled up gently from my root to my heart and into my throat where it seemed to get stuck. It felt very much like trapped emotion, trapped communication, yet at the same time I could feel this overwhelming love mixed with such sadness. It felt like mine but not mine, like it was shared with me and, thus, became mine also.

As is usual when I feel this connection I began to cry. It’s not from sadness but from joy. I felt/heard to not cry and was told “go slow” and that time was needed. As the connected faded (it started at 5:30 and went until sunrise), a song came into my mind:

Sometimes you picture me, I’m walking too far ahead
You’re calling to me, I can’t hear what you’ve said
Then you say, “Go slow“, I fall behind
The second hand unwinds

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting
Time after time

Since returning home I have been depressed. Though the trip was a good one it felt a bit forced and as a result I felt that familiar emptiness inside expand to where I could not ignore it. We returned on Sunday and each morning since I have awakened to the emptiness. This morning was the worst.

Dream: Race to the End

This dream began with me attending to a pregnant (connection to motherhood) woman. I recall her being in the hospital and me standing up by her shoulders as she struggled through her labor pains. Mostly I remember the white hospital room and operating table that she was laying on.

Then I was running in a circle as part of a 5K race. Somehow I ended up separated from the group. The group was running on a track in a gym (learn from lessons). I could see them next to where I was. I was running on a track inside a room, like someone’s house because it had brown carpet (refusal to acknowledge something) and appliances. The pregnant women was sitting in a recliner, her newborn baby in her arms.

I kept looking at my watch (consideration of time) as I ran making sure that my pace was as fast as I could go. Unfortunately, the obstacles on my course kept getting in my way. I bumped the new mother causing her to yell out in pain. I said sorry but kept running, continuing to look at my watch. Eventually, I stumbled into a carpet cleaning machine and knocked it over. The liquid inside spilled all over the floor. The new mother went to clean it up and I stopped because I knew I had to help. I was frustrated, though, because I could see the others on the track continuing to run without me and I knew my time would suffer.

When I woke from this dream I was in an awful depressed mood. The empty feeling was very prominent and my inability to rid myself of it causes me much distress. My thoughts centered around how this place is not real and how everything I do seems to have no real point. I saw the dream as a reminder of how I am just running around and around in circles.

A song was going through my head as I struggled to be more positive. The specific part I heard was, “Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else only it ain’t on the surface…”

At first I thought the song was just a remnant of yesterday because I had heard it in the car, but it continued to follow me throughout the day. When I looked at the lyrics I kept being drawn to this:

It’s like you told me
Go forward slowly
It’s not a race to the end

But the entire song is quite poignant. It’s about how we wear masks and keep our true selves hidden. Ultimately, I believe that is why I am feeling so sad since coming back from my trip.

I feel very, very much like I am in the wrong place….. time ….. life.

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Healing: Triggers and Dreams

Not much going on with me lately. My two oldest are home for Thanksgiving break and so I am quite a bit more distracted than usual.

I do not look forward to Thanksgiving day. My husband has invited everyone to our house this year, so it will be a very looooong day.

Yesterday I went to the dentist to have old fillings repaired. It was not a pleasant experience. I got panicky when they gave me the lidocane because it made my throat numb to the point that when I was laying down it felt like I was drowning. My blood pressure was super high (145/80) and had it not been for the laughing gas I think I would have passed out from the panic. I left with four repaired fillings two hours after I arrived and grateful that it was over.

Just now I am thinking how the thought of family here for Thanksgiving give me a very similar feeling to the dentist. lol I wish I had some laughing gas to help me cope! I will likely drink lots of wine instead. 🙂

After Thanksgiving my husband and I will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. I decided we should try and celebrate with a trip, just the two of us, since we seldom celebrate at all. My husband said he wanted to go to Rainbow Hearth Lodge, the place I went on my solo retreat earlier this year. So, I booked us two nights in the sky loft.

I would like to visit two state parks – Inks Lake and Colorado Bend State Park – and then fish at Lake Buchanan as much as I can. My ideal plan would be to visit Inks Lakes early on the 23rd and run some of the trails there. Then on the 24th (our anniversary) I want to visit Colorado Bend State Park and run the trail to the waterfall. In between we will enjoy the lake and prepared meals at the lodge.

Since booking the room, tensions between my husband and I have intensified. We are just not on the same wavelength. I am hoping it does not mess up the trip. The last time we took a trip to celebrate our anniversary was in 2013 when I was pregnant with my third child. We went to San Antonio to see the Alamo. Sadly, it rained the whole weekend. I never got to go to the Alamo because the night we arrived I got the stomach flu really, really bad. Being I was pregnant at the time it was three times as bad as normal. I was sick the entire trip. 😦

Time for Healing

I have read several blog posts about this particular time being the perfect time for healing. This feels very real to me right now. Not only am I taking time to “heal” my physical body (dentist yesterday, eye doctor today) but I am feeling especially drawn to change my diet again. I am avoiding breads and simple carbs as much as possible. I would like to go gluten-free again but with the holidays this is not going to be easy. So I am just focusing on eating gluten in moderation.

There is also the feeling of working on relationships, a kind of fine-tuning and re-evaluation. I think my anniversary trip will be good for this. I have been feeling especially disconnected from people as well and this could also be purposeful, though how has yet to be revealed.

One especially triggering relationship is the one I have with my MIL. As I mentioned in a previous post, we are practically giving her our Prius because of her inability to afford a new car. I am especially triggered by my MIL’s lack of preparation for her own retirement and her continued and purposeful dependence on her son’s. She has told me more than once that she expects her sons to take care of her and that she doesn’t intend to save money for future problems that might arise (such as her car problems). She makes plenty of money to pay for her own living expenses but chooses instead to use the money for things she wants and let her son’s pay for the necessities. It really bothers me that she is like this and proud of it. In contrast, I see my own mother, how she worked hard for her retirement and will not ask for help from me or my sisters unless she absolutely has to. As a result, I feel a high respect and admiration for my mom and would help her with anything she asks.

So, every time my MIL asks for help, etc (which usually means quite a bit of money) I get really, really resentful. I am working on this, trying to approach it/her with love, but it is very, very difficult! I have awful thoughts, thoughts I should not have, and it creates a lot of guilt at times. I feel this MIL scenario is a repeat from my previous marriage. They say lessons repeat until they are learned. This is one of mine. 😦

Similarly, it seems that healing is on the agenda for dreamtime. I went to bed last night thinking about the beautiful heart-centered, soul connections I have felt in the past. It was brought on by reading a blog post about just such connections. Prior to bed I asked to go OOB or at least have a lucid dream involving such connections but knew immediately that my request would not be granted because there was “work to be done.”

Dream: Unfair

The dream began with my step-father going to the doctor to treat an aggressive, cancerous (need to be more positive) growth. I recall hearing the doctors describe it as “cauliflower (sad, need to be uplifted) shaped” while I saw in my mind an image of a flower-like, white mass of cells.

The dream fast-forwards to a time after my step-father passed away. My mom is beside herself with grief and trying to organize a gathering at their house to honor her husband’s life.

Time fast-forwards again. I am sitting in my old bedroom on the bed in shock. My mom had not lived very long after her husband’s death. It was a surprise to the whole family. I am a bit non-emotional. Not numb but content and accepting of all that happened.

I piled up a bunch of books (wisdom) my mom (aspect of self) had and put them in a box to go to the trash. The books were various kinds, some of poetry (inspiration) others about life and how to manage stress and other unexpected life events. As I sat thinking I realized I should probably not toss all the books and so went back to the box to retrieve them. The box was full of water (emotion) when I checked but this seemed normal in the dream. I spotted a poetry book and reached in and retrieved it and then flipped through it’s pages. I remember thinking I didn’t like to read poetry but decided to keep it anyway because it had been my mom’s.

I dug deeper into the box somehow ending up inside the box and completely under water. Once inside, the water seemed not to exist. Instead, I was sitting with a woman discussing something I can’t recall now. She asked me, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I miss my mama.” With my words a huge amount of grief washed over me seeming to originate from my throat. It felt like I was gagging on grief it was so intense! I could sense of huge ball of energy in my throat that felt to be three times the size of it. This ball of grief came up and out through my third-eye and crown. I heaved as if throwing up and tears poured out of my eyes. This happened twice before it woke me up and a third time once I was awake.

Once awake it took me a while to compose myself. I was a bit confused by the sudden outpouring of grief over a dream. In considering my emotion it did not seem in anyway connected to losing my mother. What it seemed to be connected to was the unfairness of what happened to her in the dream. She had finally found her true love after an entire lifetime without him. When she was in her mid-sixties. they reconnected and she married him. Then just four years later he was taken from her.

Of course, none of the dream scenario has actually happened. My mom and step-father are happily married and there is no indication of either being sick.

A song was going through my head as I attempted to return to sleep:

Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out

Dream: Healing

The dream from before seemed to continue, only instead of my step-father dying he was still alive and my mom had died before him. I was talking to my step-father about what he was going to do. He invited me to come live with him in their house to be his partner. I thought it weird and asked him why he would even consider it. He responded that at least we were family and I was a part of her (my mom).

There was discussion then about how my sisters would react if my mom died – the greed and fighting over the scraps left behind. It made me sad and I wanted nothing to do with any of it. The sadness turned into the gut wrenching grief again but it was less intense and did not wake me.

Then I was inside a large building that reminded me of an administrative building of some sort. I walked into a room where a couple of women were standing. It felt like I was reporting to them. One woman looked at me strangely so I looked down at myself and saw that I was completely naked (vulnerable). I apologized saying, “I’m sorry. I always do that, don’t I?” I had a bag with me and put on a large sweatshirt (need to relax) and a pair of bikini bottoms (emotionally vulnerable). I said to her, “For some reason I only have a swimsuit.”

It felt like I was in a mental hospital. My sisters were there with me but I can’t remember it all now. It seemed like we were discussing the above dream scenario and how each would react. I remember leaving my sisters with the woman and going to the door. I opened it and saw a long hallway leading to another locking door. I held the door open waiting for my sisters but they never came. One woman looked at me disapprovingly and I knew I needed to not hold the door open. So, I went through and let it lock behind me.

I didn’t enter a long hallway, instead I was traveling with my older sister to an industrial complex. I believe my step-father was there with us. She was looking for a specific building but we couldn’t find it. A man approached me at one point. He stared at me and I realized I knew him. He asked me to kiss him, saying if I did he would lead me where I needed to go. I did not want to kiss him but opted to give him a peck on his lips. This was enough and he led me away.

We entered a very large swimming pool (healing) filled with all kinds of people. I waded through the clear water for a while.

I can’t remember much else from this point on except some strange tangents off of the dream involving a house with three rooms, one full of crystals (healing), and then going upstairs to a green carpeted music room that had a fish aquarium full of orange sucker fish (ideas from subconscious).

 

 

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Volatile

The energy has been volatile hasn’t it?

As soon as I typed this sentence, I felt drawn to look up the word “volatile” and the history of the word seemed very significant:

Volatile was originally for the birds – quite literally. Back in the 14th century, volatile was a noun that referred to birds (especially wild fowl) or other winged creatures, such as butterflies. That’s not as flighty as it sounds. Volatile traces back to the Latin verb volare, which means “to fly.” By the end of the 16th century, people were using volatile as an adjective for things that were so light they seemed ready to fly. The adjective was soon extended to vapors and gases, and by the early 17th century, volatile was being applied to individuals or things as prone to sudden change as some gaseous substances.  SOURCE

Interesting, eh? Perhaps this is a good message, a message that we are becoming “so Light” that we are preparing to take flight?

For me, personally, “volatile” does seem to be THE word for the last few days, specifically beginning on Friday, October 16th. That day was super-volatile! Perhaps it was astrological? Venus went direct and Mercury went retrograde in the same day. Whew! There was quite a bit of combustible energy between my husband and I that day for sure. Communication was definitely not our strong point. His temper flared quite a bit and my patience waned. I think my Gemini husband is particularly sensitive to Mercury retrograde, though.

I continue to experience odd sleep interruptions and overly dry and eczema-prone skin, but now I am also re-experiencing a total inability to tolerate noise, specifically talking/conversation that seems to have no point or is superficial in nature. I just want everyone to be quite and leave me alone. I am also struggling with reactions to the overly dry air here in Texas. My nose hurts so bad (dry) that it wakes me up and keeps me from returning to sleep. 😦 My eyes shift from being dry and itchy to watery. I haven’t been able to wear my contacts for 2 months. The humidifier doesn’t help.

Nature is still the best remedy and I continue to go outside for walks or runs. Being indoors just triggers the hell out of me right now!

Then yesterday, on my way to a nearby trail for a run, I got hit with a sudden panic attack. It was early on as I was making my way to the toll road entrance ramp. The thought of driving on the toll road caused an immediate increase in my heart rate to the point that I began to feel like I couldn’t breathe and got an instant headache. The minute I shifted lanes and pulled over all of it stopped. I was still shaking as I drove home but only from the adrenaline rush. It literally felt like I narrowly avoided death, which is completely illogical in every way!

I haven’t had a panic attack like that in over a year. I don’t understand it and normally I would have just pushed through it but this one came on so suddenly that it completely threw me. My old coping mechanisms didn’t work. It was as my body gave me no choice but to turn around.

When I got home my head still hurt so I got into bed and made my room as dark as possible. After about a half hour I felt better and so took my dog on a walk/run. Not long after my husband agreed to go with me on a trail run. We went on the same panic-inducing route as I had just been on without incident and had a good run.

Dreams

Dreamwork is focused on a major second chakra (sacral) blockage. It is obvious to me now that I am working through trauma from other lifetimes. There may be some from this lifetime but I have not touched on anything from this life that I am aware of.

I was awakened around 3am from an intensely sexual dream. Once again I was having sexual relations with a very young girl. This time the young girl was about 12 years old and black. I suspect she represented me from another lifetime.

The dream didn’t begin with the little girl present. At first I was with three others – a young man and his girlfriend and my own boyfriend. My boyfriend appeared to be teen aged (15-16 years old). He had very dark hair (black or dark brown) and was familiar to me. I have seen him in countless other dreams. We planned to meet every night for a week in a field (growth). I remember going to this field and seeing an old 1960’s pickup (work) parked in the field. My boyfriend and I got into the back of the pickup. I remember knowing that we had already met up for a full week and that it was time for us to have sex. Only we never had sex. The dream shifted away from the scene.

Then I was with three other women, all teen aged as well. We were also paired up, only one of the other women wanted me to consider pairing with her as well (like a threesome). She came up and asked me if I would consider her. I told her that I would not and she accepted this answer without incident.

I remember meeting up with all of the women near a river at night. It was very peaceful and serene. There was a lot of snuggling and closeness but nothing sexual. It was like we were just there to be loved.

Then I was with my female partner. She was young and black and familiar to me. When we got intimate in the dream it woke me up. The area of my body where my second chakra is located was sore and remained so for a while after. It was sore enough to keep me from getting comfortable. It was like back labor but much less intense.

I remember asking my guidance why I kept having these sexual dreams with very young girls. I was told, “Less traumatizing”. I understood then that the dreams were part of a healing process; a working through of a major second chakra blockage that was the result of lifetimes of feeling violated by men. The black girl represented me from a lifetime in which I was gang raped by a group of white boys.

Dream: The Gambler

This dream began in a yoga (balance, harmony) class. The class was very full. The teacher asked up to step back into Warrior 2. When I did I realized quickly that I did not have enough room. I had to move over and then saw I was wearing shoes that made me slip and slide.

There was discussion here about how to focus on the Nothing. It was more visual than an actual discussion. I saw two bubbles. Within them were scenes of my life. The Nothing was between the bubbles. It was made clear to me that if I remained focused on the Nothing that the issues within the bubbles would no longer be issues. Those things in the bubbles that were meant to grow into more, would. Those that were meant to resolve/dissolve, would.

Then I was going to work after a day off. My work space was alongside others. There was a long desk with several computer monitors on it. It was spotless and I knew I had cleaned (clearing work has been done) it before I left. I thought that no one must have come in on Thursday otherwise it would have been a mess.

I sat at the table (family connections) talking to my son (masculine aspect) as the yoga teacher from earlier in the dream served us food. My son wouldn’t eat but then changed his mind opting for a taco (warmth and comfort).

Then I entered into a restaurant-bar. Behind the bar was a bartender (attempt to escape). At some tables were coworkers having a beer (unconscious, avoidance). The bartender asked me if I believed a certain blue drink would be a deeper blue if served another way. I said I didn’t think it mattered. He showed me a hose hooked to a tank of blue drink. I said it did look more blue. He showed me a pink-red drink as well and said the key was to mix the two drinks. I saw an entire tank of the blue drink. Note: I think the drinks are a spin on the Matrix pills. 

Red PIll vs. Blue Pill | Red Pill | Know Your MemeHe said, “Hopefully we sell it all tonight.” I said, “It is suppose to be busy?” He nodded, “Yes. It’s always busy on Fridays (end of difficult task).” I said,”How was yesterday? Did anyone come in?” He said, “No.” I said, “I thought so. No one went to work either.”

As I walked out, I paused and looked down at my watch (feeling limited/restrained). I noticed the strap was breaking (lost track of what I need to do). I was discouraged because I had just bought a new band (wholeness) and now it was already breaking. After peeling the broken part off the band stayed on. I removed it and salvaged the broken piece and put the watch in my purse for later.

Before walking out someone at a table said something to me. All I remember now is the word “Friend” but for some reason I thought of a song. I sang, “You gotta know when to hold em….” I laughed and said, “Kenny Rogers!” As I left I was singing the entire song.

When  I woke the song felt very much like a message indicating that I would know when to act and when to wait. This has been a consistent message for me over the years and has always been true. Waiting sucks but when you make a move at the right moment things go very smoothly and you “win” in the end.

 

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Precipice

The last couple of days have been interesting. After my nauseous feeling in the grocery store the other day an urge to change has been gradually taking form. In fact, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that if I don’t do something to make my and my family’s eco-footprint smaller that I am letting down Mother Earth and the future of humanity.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling that nausea again, this time at work. It was slight and almost unnoticeable this time. However, my thoughts were stuck on shifting my way of life so that I am creating less waste. It was, at first, overwhelming. How can I make the change I want to make without completely tossing all that I have built and am use to?

My first thought was that I need to just start small. For example, stop buying paper towels and use hand towels instead. Then buying less pre-packaged foods such as the pre-washed spinach we buy weekly. But thinking of changing just these little things makes me want to change everything to the point of wishing we had an outdoor market I could visit every other day so as to avoid the grocery store altogether. In fact, just the idea of my next visit to the grocery store makes me a little sick inside. Yet I know it is unavoidable.

I talked to my husband this morning about my ideas and he is fully on board. In fact, he is wanting to be a bit more extreme than me even, suggesting we sell our house and buy and RV to live in! I told him that was a bit rash for my tastes but that a downsize was definitely on my agenda at some point in time. I just can’t imagine five people squished into an RV no matter how big it is. I might want to downsize but I still need my space!!

Currently we are discussing buying an electric car to replace our Prius when/if my MIL decides to take it. Previously we had tried to give her our Mazda5 and she refused it, despite it being completely free and clear. So we traded it in on a new minivan only to find out my MIL’s car needed more repairs and would not pass inspection. So, now we are at square one again with her needing a car and no one else in the family being in a position to really help but us. We, again, have a good, used car to offer that we owe very little on and can pay off and give to her. I am a bit reluctant, however, because she keeps changing her mind and it is infuriating me! I just can’t handle it for much longer. Who the hell doesn’t take a perfectly good FREE  used HYBRID car when offered? My MIL I guess!!!

What I envision eventually doing is rejecting the suburban life completely and opting for a communal-type living environment for my family. This would be the ideal scene but there are not many such places available around here nor nation-wide. We could, I guess, create one of our own, which would require purchasing a large plot of land (50-100 acres) and splitting the costs with other families. My husband’s family is already open to this but no action has been taken other than looking at land nearby. The ideal living situation would be a central house where gatherings and eating would take place and then smaller houses for individual families.

This is just where my heart takes me. If I continue to feel sick about my current living situation (suburbia, middle class lifestyle) then I think ultimately I will feel forced to make changes like the ones above. There also seems to be a feeling that suggests at some point humanity will “implode” and be forced into living simply again and respecting the earth. “Implode” here just means we will destroy ourselves from the inside via our habits and tendencies to over indulge. The biggest threat humanity faces is itself.

Dreams

On to my dreamwork…..

A dream theme dominated last night: Test.

In the first dream I was trying to leave my house to head to school to take an “important test”. It felt like a qualifying test of some sort, like a test to graduate or make it to the next level. I was rushing about trying to get out of the house 15 minutes before the start date because I knew that was how long it would take to drive to school from my house.

When I arrived at the school I was just in time. I ran into my old best friend and her brother. Both told me not to worry and joking that they just randomly answered questions and still expected to pass. I was told to head to room #102. The lady said, “Take one right (follow the heart), then another and room #102 will be on your right.” When she said this I saw the door (entry into unknown) with the number above as if I had been in the school many times.

I woke from this dream because I was cold. The temps have been below freezing at night (28° last night) and so I have been waking around 4am with either a cold nose or feet (or both). My poor nose! lol Anyway, I returned to sleep quickly and resumed the dream theme.

This time I was with my husband heading to the school to take an important test. He wanted to stop off and socialize with the neighbors (of course!). I protested but ended up going with him. There was a gathering at a neighbor’s house to watch a movie for the kids. We all sat in their living room watching the movie but I was distracted and irritable. The neighbor was a typical suburban housewife and annoyed the hell out of me. I just didn’t like her and wanted her to go away. What I remember most about her was her very fat fingers as she offered me popcorn.

I kept checking the time to make sure we had 10 minutes to get to the school. My husband kept lingering and being overly social. Ultimately, I remember accepting I would likely be late and letting go of my biases about the housewife. When I did, she stopped looking chubby and became more normal looking. I heard a voice in the dream, like my own conscious, reminding me to stop being so critical and remember to love. The dream became more fun then and I lightened up. The housewife put on a mask (projections) from a glass covered bookshelf and was acting silly.

Messages

As I woke the feeling of a test coming was very strong. It felt important but I don’t ever know what these tests are until they arrive. As I struggled to stay warm under my covers I somehow fell into the in-between where a male guide was close. His energy enveloped me as he told me to consider that perhaps things were happening as they were to bring about new and wonderful life events that could not occur otherwise. Then I saw a vision of myself eating a soft shelled taco. Tacos symbolize warmth and comfort. A soft shelled one represents an accepting and open attitude. 🙂

As I embraced the warmth of his energy and a familiar song came to mind. This line repeated over and over: Walk along the path unknown…… My recent dream of going “off road” came to mind.

Once I acknowledged the music message the song faded and my guide said, “October 24th.” I didn’t know what it meant but felt I should check my previous blog posts for posts written on that date. I found this one: A Lesson on Aging. The last line stands out to me: “Could it be that eventually I will be faced with a situation that will test whether I am able to see past the illusions and limitations of the physical?”

So perhaps I am preparing for just this type of “test”? I can’t help but feel as if I am standing on a precipice. Perhaps many of us are about to be asked to take a leap of faith?

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Nausea, Dreams and Music Message

For the past couple of mornings I have had some slight nausea. It isn’t the kind of nausea that one gets when they are sick. It is distinctly different in that it stems from my reaction to a shift in energy I think. It is like my core is reacting, withdrawing. Sadly it coincides with my husband’s return from a business trip, just like last time. 😦

Similarly, I had a sick stomach feeling when I was grocery shopping on Sunday. It happened when I looked down an isle full of food – the soup isle I think. Something about the isle and the packaged food bothered me and I reacted with disgust, my stomach twisting. I know my reaction was caused by my seeing packaged foods and feeling it was unnatural for food to be in packages. In my mind I saw an outdoor market full of fresh foods without packaging and knew that was how it should be, not on shelves in a store.

I have also been having a gag response to my whey protein shake supplement. I almost couldn’t manage to swallow it yesterday.

The food reaction feels to be a message from my HS to shift my diet to more plant based, natural foods. The gag response to energy seems to indicate a shift in vibration within my home.

Dream: Shopping

My sleep continues to be interrupted but now my dream recall is low. I often forget my dreams quickly upon waking or only remember snippets of images and feelings. There was only one dream from last night I remembered in full.

In this dream I arrived at a Wal-mart-type store at around 5:30am. Inside I was shopping for clothing but the lights were still off. A salesperson was walking through turning them on and apologized to me, saying she was just opening up. I was inspecting clothing on a rack that was mostly in the dark. The clothes on the rack were all black and of varying styles. The entire left side of the rack had dresses, some with lace, others more formal. I remember thinking the dresses were ideal for a recital or concert, neither of which I would be attending. There is a feeling here of mourning or grief related to the black clothing.

I opted to leave the store without purchasing anything. Out in the nearly empty parking lot I walked to my car and got in. I drove around for a bit trying to decide what I would do. I felt sleepy, apathetic and indecisive. My options were: go shopping or go back home to my family. Neither was appealing to me.

I parked my car (period of inactivity) and sat in it a while considering what I would do. I thought it would be nice to buy some breakfast pastries from the bakery. My children would be especially happy to have something sweet for breakfast. I noted the time – it was nearly 10am! I had no idea where all the time went.

Some more time passed with me feeling sleepy (avoidance, lack of awareness) and bored. I waited in the car in the passenger seat parked right in front of the store watching people walking in and out. For some odd reason my root chakra became noticeable. It felt like there was a ledge on the end of the car seat pressing into it and stimulating it. Energy rose and fell in my root a few times, shaking off my sleepiness.

Very aware now, I decided I should just go into the store and buy the pastry. When I attempted to open the door I almost hit another car that had just pulled in. I saw that it had no back end (incomplete or broken path). It was like the car had been cut in half allowing only for the driver/passenger seats and the engine. It had no back tires or anything!

I got out and looked at the white half-car and squeezed around to the other side of my car. I locked the car to leave but remembered I left my purse (self-identity) inside. I retrieved it and then locked it again only to remember I left something else inside. I unlocked it, retrieved it and then locked it again. It frustrated me that I kept forgetting things.

People were going into the electronics department door, which I thought was odd. I went to enter through the front only to find the entire front entrance boarded up with signs that said, “No entry. Use other door.” A crowd of people were there, all confused. There was talk of some kind of emergency situation. I got caught behind a family discussing the crisis and moved past and went into the other door.

Inside the store was not set up in a way that made sense. It seemed like all the isles were around the perimeter and there was no way into the center. I was trying to find the bakery and couldn’t. There were doors but no one was allowed to pass through them. I saw some baked bread on shelving and thought I had found the bakery but I was wrong. I finally gave up and left.

The next thing I remember is waking up inside a moving vehicle. Two young guys were inside playing around. The younger of the two, and passenger, was play-punching his brother who was driving. I asked them to please stop playing around because it was dangerous. I suggested I drive and they continue their rough housing in the back seat. The driver agreed to let me drive but kept driving for a while despite this.

He drove the vehicle, which felt like an old Jeep Wrangler or Ford Bronco, off road. I saw a field open up and saw the road on our right. The boy pointed out the road and said he often drove off road (alternate path, pave your own path) but could get back on the road. He was driving very fast over hills and rocks and came close to driving right into a gully full of mud and water. I suggested we stay off road. Soon after I saw a dirt road materialize in front of us where there had been no road. It took us into a small town.

We entered the town and he stopped the car. We all got out and he pointed to where he lived. I saw an old horse (freedom, free spirit) corral (restraint) and knew it well. It was on the way to my house. I asked if it was okay if we went to my house first and he said it would be.

As the two boys went ahead exploring on foot I felt something grab onto my fingers. It was sharp and then there was a pinch and I yelled, “Ow!” I looked down and saw a tiny white kitten (feminine energy) jumping about and being frisky. I said something to the younger brother about the kitten being very playful. He said back, “Yeah. We call her Zippy.” I watched the kitten run ahead of me, her white fur pointing straight up off her back.

The last thing I remember is the boy’s both having very thick, southern accents.

Visions and Discussion

When I woke it was still very early and I was upset to not be able to return to sleep. My guidance was near and we talked about how I was feeling. The dream seemed to indicate a lack of awareness on my part and some indecision. I found myself saying to myself something I use to say to myself a very long time ago when I was newly divorced and living on my own. I use to say, “Some day….” in attempt to give myself hope that better days were on the way. To have this memory was unexpected. It signaled to me a message asking me to consider why I would return to this self-reassurance.

At that time in my life my guidance had told me that I would meet “the one” in four years. It was the longest four years of my life! LOL I was so impatient. Every relationship I had left me wondering, “Is this it?” Of course, it never was.  When I asked my guidance, “Is he the one?”, I would always hear back, “You will Know.” It was infuriating!!!

Eventually, I completely forgot that I was told it would be four years before we met. I gave up hope but kept saying to myself, “Some day….” as if to remind myself that I just needed to wait a bit longer. By the time I had completely given up, I met my current husband and instantly Knew we would be married, have a family, etc. I did in fact Know, just as my guidance told me I would.

So, why am I finding myself saying, “Some day….” to myself again? What am I waiting for this time? It doesn’t feel the same as before, at least not in the I am waiting for “the one”. I know now there is no “one”.

A discussion commence thereafter about how humans struggle to allow things to unfold, trusting all will play out as intended and ultimately all troubles/conflicts will resolve naturally. A person can play through all possible scenarios and never see all of them. There is no way to predict how things will turn out, yet we fool ourselves into thinking if we look logically at a situation and go through all the possible scenarios we can prepare ourselves for what is to come, we can keep from hurting others….keep from making a mistake. This is conditional thinking…..a major trap we get stuck in for all our trying to be “good”, to avoid hurting others and ourselves. Ultimately, in the end, we will likely be surprised by the way it all unfolds. Either we will forget or give up (like I did in the past) or we will allow and surrender to whatever will be, trusting in the Universe to give us exactly what we want and need.

For me, I think I have learned a great deal of this lesson already. Am I perfect at it? Obviously not! I am still saying, “Some day….” to myself. LOL But in a way saying this to myself is reminding myself to not give up hope that what I want will be, to be patient and compassionate to myself along the way. The most important thing is to be clear about what I want and then allow it to be given without getting in the way of it (doubt, over-thinking, fear).

As I lingered in the in-between I felt a message coming through. It seemed to be coming from far away because it was faint, but I know these communications are not affected by physical distance. As I allowed it a familiar chorus from a song came through:

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up,
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry,
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

In finding the above video on YouTube I learned what “Rickroll” means. Never heard of it before today. Ha! Probably some message for me in that, too.

For a moment before waking I fell into the in-between. I had a vision of a man sitting in front of me wearing only a metal helmet that covered his head and throat. His eyes were not covered and he looked back at me. It seemed wrong and I worried his throat would be constricted so I took the helmet off, peeling off the top and then the part around his neck. Then I lay next to him, up against his bare chest, and used a tiny, metal pick to trace over the length of his torso. It was like I was combing his body. It felt like a type of energy work, but I’m not sure. The strangeness of it woke me up.

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Message: Houston, We Have a Problem

I’ve been getting urged to focus on healing a specific issue, to open up again to something I’ve shut myself off to. I agreed because it felt like the only answer to how I’ve been feeling lately.

I’ve been experiencing a kind of odd detachment. It manifests only when I slow down and stop distracting myself with other things. Some nights, as I lay down to sleep, I notice another aspect of myself getting up and leaving the room very quickly, as if she is running away. I actually see and sense her. She’s like an apparition. And when I try to focus on her I get sleepy and feel a vast emptiness inside. In the midst of feeling this emptiness I was encouraged to “open up”, so that is what I am trying to do but it is proving very difficult.

Dream: Lost Car

The dream began with me navigating my car (life path) through an unfamiliar city. It felt to be up north somewhere with large, white skyscrapers and one-way city streets. I parked my car and walked through several buildings heading toward an unknown destination. I seemed to wind through the streets and through buildings looking for something.

I came to a large community center with tall glass windows. I walked inside, through rooms and hallways that led into a small room in the back. The room was a golden brown color and filled with a handful of people listening to a man at the front of the room.

I joined the group as if I had been planning to attending the gathering all along. Everyone was sharing stories of specific spiritual experiences. I couldn’t wait to share mine but as time passed and it became later and later, I realized I was last and likely would not get a turn. The man facilitating the group seemed only to be listening but I think he was also taking these experiences and sorting them for the individual, like a kind of healing.

As it approached closing time (9pm) I began to feel restless and paced back and forth. In my mind I was going over the story I was going to share. I saw the roots (root of an issue, deep into subconscious, history) of a tree, black (unknown, buried) and spreading like a disease through the ground. I knew these roots communicated (need to address issue).

I told the group I had to leave and they accepted my departure without issue. As I left the lights were being shut off and the clock was at 9pm (9 = completion, rebirth).

As I attempted to make my way out of the building I ended up on stairs with many others heading down to the entrance (delving into subconscious). Confused because I had not come in that way, I got more disoriented when I walked outside. I wandered around a while looking for my car and specifically focused on my water bottle (keep hopes up, rejuvenation). After a long time I began to get frantic and stopped a woman who worked in one of the nearby lots asking her to help me. She walked with me for a while calling other lot attendance and staying close to me. I told her my car was a silver Prius but in my mind I saw a water bottle.

Eventually, after hours more of wandering without locating my car, I gave up. It felt like complete surrender in the dream; like I was okay with never finding my car. I went inside another building and sat down, accepting my fate. Then, I heard my husband say my name and turned as he walked up to me. He had in his hand my water bottle and said something about being contacted by a lot attendant about a lost car. He told me the car was found 7 (alignment, enlightenment) miles away. He couldn’t understand why I would park so far away. I took my water bottle from him but didn’t recognize it at first. I could feel my thirst (unmet need, void in life) in the dream, but I didn’t drink. I thanked the lady who helped me as she was still with me.

AUTOSEAL® Cortland | BPA-Free Reusable Water Bottle | 24oz ...The dream shifted a bit here and I found myself inside a clinic (healing) of some sort. I entered a waiting room with a woman and saw a young, dark haired boy/man sitting there. In an adjacent room I could see a nurse tending to a baby (new beginnings). It was completely naked and female, its genital area exposed. The strange thing is that it had long, silver fingernails (on the defensive) and I knew it had been experimented on genetically, everyone in the clinic had been.

Outside in the waiting room I saw that everyone (all naked) had strange, metallic blue objects attached to their genital area. The objects were triangular (body, mind, spirit; truth) in shape, two triangles inside the other. It seemed to clip on making the person look androgynous.

The young man was familiar to me and seemed to be the object of my focus. What I recall most here is wanting to get us both out of there. I think I also had on one of the triangular devices.

There was another shift in the dream and I was at my Mom’s house with the young man. He felt like family and though I did not realize it in the dream, he was the same dark haired boy/man I have seen in countless other dreams. He was completely naked standing next to me and inviting me to go into the bedroom (intimacy, vulnerability) with him. I began to follow him but then stopped off in the bathroom (cleanse and renew). He followed me inside as I lingered.

When I left the bathroom I was distracted by my Mom who had a large box of cookies (temptations, sweets of life) at the kitchen table. I went to investigate. The cookies were frosted sugar cookies with all sorts of images on them. Some were the size of my hand and a few others were smaller. When I was offered a large, bowl-shaped cookie I said, “Oh that’s too big for me. I prefer something like….that one.” I selected a small cookie decorated as a red schoolhouse (lessons).

My attention went back to the dark haired boy/man who was waiting patiently for me. I could feel that he wanted privacy and his invitation to the bedroom would likely lead to more. I don’t know if I was afraid but I resisted going with him. At this point I remember noticing he had on blue boxer shorts and and I also had on something to cover my nether regions (ashamed of something, hidden aspects). We were both naked from the waist up, though.

Messages

When I woke a song was going through my head:

Hello from the other side
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

As I heard the song going through my mind I realized I had been hearing it in the dream when I encountered the dark haired boy/man. I recognized him, then, and wondered about his sudden appearance after such a long time. The main dream I remember him from was a Kundalini dream. In it he was setting fire to the treetops and laughing as I tried to drown out the fires with water from a hose. It was a panicky dream. Subsequent dreams were just as intense.

I also wondered why he appeared as a young adolescent man (mid-teens). Was this representative of some stage of development? And then the song, was it a message from him to me? Or a message from me to him? It seemed like a message nonetheless.

My guidance was close but not really saying much. In the midst of my confusion from the dream I heard a message, though: “Houston, we have a problem.”

I was encouraged again to “open up” and as hard as I tried, I could not contact the feeling of openness in my heart that I knew should be there.

I had a flash of a vision of my guide standing alongside more dogs than I could count. It felt like a huge line of protection was being provided. But from what?

The dream seems to point to an issue with my lower chakras. Not only does the triangle symbolize this but also the silver fingernails on the baby as well as the boxer shorts and covering of the genital region at the end of the dream. So, I seem to be trying to protect myself from something.

I finally contacted some emotion, albeit briefly, right as I was getting out of bed to get my kids ready for school. The emotion is connected to the unrequited love feeling. It seems always to linger under the surface. I have grown adept at pushing it down, swallowing the tears and heartsickness. I understood, then, what “open up” meant – I need to allow these feelings. But when I have allowed them they only seem to intensify to the point that I feel they will ultimately be the death of me.

 

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Dream Message: Profound Paul

Strange dreams last night. The hamburger theme continues!

Dream: Profound Paul

This dream was much longer but I only recall the last part.

I was in a high school (lesson being learned) that I did not recognize walking alongside a friend who I believe was male but I can’t recall ever seeing him. This friend told me that a certain guy was planning on asking me out after school. I wanted to avoid this (avoiding lesson) so decided to leave school early. I remember going through the band (sense of community) hall and interrupting several groups of students in small rooms viewing movies (passage of time). One said, “I guess they didn’t lock the door again.” In my mind I saw the lock (allowed access, acceptance/belonging) had been broken on the door. I apologized as I walked in front of the movie screen.

My step-father picked me up in his pickup truck (hard work). As we were leaving I remembered I had forgotten something back at the school and asked him to take me back to get it. I was hoping we would get there before school let out.

We drove along a four lane highway (life path) for a while and then topped the hill before the school. Traffic was backed up as parents waited on their kids. The highway was under construction (new surge of energy, growth) in front of the school so we had to slow down. There was piles of reddish brown dirt and construction vehicles all around. My step-father had to slow down and then move to the left. I remember noticing we could not see much in front of us for all the construction in the way. There were large drop-off’s that I could see out of the corner of my eye. I worried my step-father might accidentally fall into one, but he never did.

Then, we had to stop and wait. While waiting I saw two men come out of the construction zone. One was the guy who I was told was going to ask me out after school. He looked to be mulatto and wasn’t wearing a shirt. The other guy was one of his friends and looked similarly.  Both were very large and muscular, which was a bit intimidating.

I felt skittish and wanted to run but with both guys on either side of me and a construction zone full of obstacles, there was no escape. I remember the guy who wanted to ask me out coming closer. He was friendly and smiling, telling me that he knew how to make an awesome hamburger (need to be whole, dissatisfaction in relationship) and would like to show me. We talked for a while, me keeping a distance from him. I called him by name but can’t recall it now. I think it started with a “J” like Jason or Jacob.

At the end of the dream my step-father was encouraging me to run but I had decided not to. I sat down with a huge hamburger in my hand and said to him, “Sorry but I just can’t.” Then I took a big bite. I could taste the juices of the meat in my mouth as I woke.

I woke up feeling confused and disoriented. I wondered who the guy was and I heard a voice say, “Profound Paul.” I am certain the guy’s name was not Paul.

A song was going through my head, but no lyrics, just a repetitive melody. I knew it was a Pearl Jam song from my high school days, but I couldn’t recall the name. So, I looked it up and found it easily. The song is Black and the melody goes on and on at the end. In high school I use to always skip to the next song on the CD because I couldn’t handle listening to it go on and on for over a minute. It was not one of my favorite songs, so I did not know the lyrics. They are pretty interesting.

Dream: Semen Cure

This dream was just weird. lol

I was in bed in a room that reminded me of my old bedroom at my Mom’s house. It was morning and I had just woken up. My husband was getting ready for work and I called him to bed for morning sex. He said, “Really?” and joined me in bed. We made sure to cover ourselves with the blanket (protection) because people were walking in and out of the room so the only privacy we had was that blanket.

As we were doing our thing, a family consisting of a mother and some kids, walked through. My husband got distracted and struggled with this so I rushed him so we could be done quickly. Then my husband left.

The woman who had been walking through the room stopped and looked at me. She asked me, “Why did you do that (rush it)?” I said, “Sometimes you just have to (rush). It’s better than nothing.” I remember my consideration was that if I didn’t rush then everything would fizzle out and I would end up with nothing (no climax).

The woman’s children were gathered around me, inspecting my bare skin. I became aware of small sores on my legs and arms. One of the children told me I needed a certain cream to heal them. I saw the white cream in my mind. The name of the cream started with a “C”. It was not cortisone, but something else I can’t recall now.

I inquired about the cream and instantly knew that it came from ejaculate. One of the kids said, “If you use it they (my wounds) will heal.”

I woke up from this dream thinking how very odd it was. WTF, right? lol

Considerations

The hamburger dream theme is just odd. I suspect my eating the hamburger is a sign that progress is being made since up until now I have never eaten one. Perhaps I am finally confronting what the hamburger represents?

To see or eat a hamburger in your dream suggests that you are lacking some emotional, intellectual, or physical component in order to feel whole again. You may be feeling unsatisfied with some situation or relationship. It is also symbolic of your experiences and how you need to learn from them. Look at the big picture. Source: Dreammoods.com

The “Profound Mystery”

The message “profound Paul” doesn’t really make any sense to me. At first I thought it likely just some wise-crack from my guidance. Then, I thought that perhaps “Paul” was the Apostle Paul from the Bible. So, I Googled “Profound Paul” and sure enough, found this:

Ephesians 5:31-32 New International Version (NIV)

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[a] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.

The book of Ephesians in the bible was written by the Apostle Paul around 60AD. So, “Profound Paul” was likely a message from my guidance about Union. There are many discussions online about what the “profound mystery” is, none of them rings true to me as part of the message my guidance was relaying. I think it could just be that they are reminding me that such “marriage” is happening to me; to Remember that it is my true state; we are all One.

The Semen Dream Symbolism

The dream about the cream is likely linked to all the damn itchy skin I am having lately. I have spots of eczema on my right hand, the tops of my shoulders and my neck. This morning I am much itchier than normal and it is driving me crazy. I have prescription Cortisone cream I use and it helps but it is really annoying, almost as bad as poison ivy! My dermatologist says it is the type of eczema related to stress and allergies.

I am also having itchy ears. The inside of my left ear was itching like crazy last night to the point that I couldn’t sleep. Not sure why but it happens, but it does every once in a while. If I itch it then it usually turns into an outer ear infection. So I left it alone but OMG it was hard. It is likely from allergies or stress, too. 😦

Then there are my eyes. My right eye especially is an issue. I can’t wear my contacts without my eyes feeling dry and irritated. Usually I get a headache within an hour of putting them in. So I have been wearing them for only a few hours at a time and only when I have to. People are starting to notice my glasses I wear them so much. I have heard, “I didn’t know you wore glasses!” quite a bit lately.

The cream dream could also be related to my sexual appetite lately as well. Prior to bed I was wondering if maybe I was in the midst of my sexual peak, which they say hits women in their late 30s and early 40s. I never believed in such a thing but am reconsidering that now. lol Never in my life have I had so many sexual dreams nor have I ever been one to fantasize or think about sex (like never!). Yet, for the last few years, all of the above have become so common-place that I can’t help but notice. The me in my 20s-30s would be aghast by the things going through my head these days. OMG! The horror. LMAO

Perhaps it is the Kundalini that has sparked this change in me? Or maybe it is a combination of many factors that led me here. Whatever the cause, it is real and happening to me. It has made me question myself, but I think mostly I am just opening up to and loving myself and my body.

I have also been watching a show on Netflix called Wonderlust. I totally relate to this show! If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Warning: It’s not for the prudish or anyone with lots of sexual programming that still needs clearing. But hey, if you are brave it may be a good way to bring that stuff up for clearing!

 

 

 

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Major Ascension Flu or Something Else?

Yesterday was an odd ascension flu day for me, at least that is what I think was going on. My entire body felt….weird. The closest I can come to it was an experience I had during my first pregnancy, way back in 2008.

At the time, it felt like every nerve ending in my body was super sensitive and uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable in my own skin and no position would allow a reprieve. The only way it would go away was for my husband to do a kind of “nerve assist” where he lightly brushed up and down my back, arms and legs with his hands. After a little while of this kind of body work I would settle and finally get to sleep.

Yesterday, it wasn’t as bad as 2008 but it had me a bit concerned because it was like the nerve sensitivity extended to my mind. When I tried to focus on my work it….hurt. It wasn’t horribly painful or anything, just a discomfort. This would be broken by my fixing my focus elsewhere only to reoccur after a minute or so of new focus. Then there was the all-over body aches, especially in my abdomen, neck, right arm and lower back. I also had a strange taste in my mouth.

The feeling in my body and mind made me think that at any moment I would lose control of some body part, like my hands or legs. That never happened, but it felt like it could. My take on this was that if such a thing happened and I was bed ridden then at least others people would have to tend to me for a change. lol

Ultimately, the only thing that “cured” the weird discomfort was being active outside. Morning yoga really did little to help it. I took my dog on a quick run early on and it helped, albeit temporarily. Around 4pm I gardened for about an hour, digging and planting and getting dirty. I felt completely revived and better after. Then, around 6pm I went for a group run. By bedtime all the weirdness had vanished and I felt really good.

Honestly, the strange feeling has been with me since the weekend but intensified daily until yesterday it finally had me wondering, “Am I sick?”

This morning there is little discomfort except in the right side of my neck.

Yesterday, I was urged to lay down and focus on my body and energy so that I could observe what was going on. I used my medical intuition on myself and noticed some definite issues in my abdomen and bloodstream. Not panicking, though, because there was nothing serious that I could see, just blockages that were in the very areas that were the most sensitive.

My guidance is again encouraging me to “slow down” and “rest”. I saw myself doing yoga instead of running and weight training. This puts a kink in my plans because I have been slowly building up my home gym. I just added a barbell stand and bench so I can lift heavier and a plate holder for my barbell plates. I have plans to paint and add a large rubber floor mat and mirror. I have not gotten to try out my barbell stand yet because of all these body issues, which irks me!

Update

In other news, the financial issues I have been working to fix are slowly dissolving one by one. If you don’t know what I am talking about, basically my husband has racked up quite a credit card debt. For a while I was taking a step back and not assisting with resolving it (out of anger and stubbornness), but it bothered me so much to be in debt that I finally took responsibility and stepped up to help. So, I started working full-time in July and have since saved every.single.paycheck. 🙂 That is me, though, a saver, not a spender (usually). I also gave in and applied for two 0% interest cards in my name since my husband could not get any with any substantial credit limits. Me, though, I had only one card in my name, so I was easily able to get great offers.

In the meanwhile, my husband got a nice bonus paycheck which, along with the refinancing cash-out we did, will pay off almost all of the debt. The remaining debt is now being channeled over to my new promotional card. This means we have only one small payment versus three medium-sized payments, freeing up cash-flow to a nice, comfortable spend-whatever-we-want place. Of course, that means my husband will spend, which he excels at. Me, I will continue to save for “a rainy day”. In the end, I will likely bail his ass out again as is our usual pattern. C’est la vie.

Dream: Love Doesn’t Discriminate

My dreams continue to point to me working on expanding and opening my heart. This time I dreamed of close family members who I have very little affinity or liking to right now: my sister and brother-in-low/cousin. <—–the “low” instead of “law” just kind happened but I’m leaving it because it’s kinda true.

In the dream my cousin/BIL was sitting next to me and giving me a feeling of interest beyond just friendliness. It really creeped me out and I was inching away from him the whole time thinking, “Ewww!” lol He was doing this with my sister (his wife) right there with us, which is typical of him and also grossed me out.

My sister, on the other hand, was reminding me of an old high school classmate. In the dream they would swap out as if they were the same person.

This ex classmate was and still is of the typical white trash type. The last I heard she was having her umpteenth child, working as a waitress at a bar, living in a trailer park, and marrying for the fourth or fifth time. Pictures on FB showed her posing by a Harley scantily clothed and bragging about her breast implants while appearing a decade older than she is. Rough life.

So, apparently I was/am seeing my sister like this classmate, which, sadly, is very true.

I woke from the dream knowing I was being asked to inspect my judgments. The message clearly was that an open heart loved all equally regardless of their “faults”. If I cannot love my sister and cousin/BIL fully and without judgment/expectation, then how can I expect to love all of humanity?

Greyhound_bus_on_the_way_to_Washington-2

Dream: Catching the Bus/Train

In another dream I was hiking up a very steep mountainside (determination) that had recently experienced heavy rainfall (emotion). Water was cascading down the side of the trail leaving only a small area to hike up.

To the left was a fenced piece of land (boundaries or obstacles) that extended for over 500 acres. Some areas were fortified with steel posts and signs that said, “No Trespassing”.

As I hiked up with my companion we avoided the cascading water while discussing the property. The owner had donated an acre or two at the top of the mountain to help establish a town.

At the top was the town with few people. I sat down on raised wooden bleachers (reflection on progress) waiting for my bus (temporary setbacks) to arrive. There were others with me, some I knew, some I didn’t. I was concerned for my husband who was suppose to take the bus with me. He and his companion were late. I think I was traveling to Montana, but am not sure.

I got onto the bus and sat at the back in a seat that resembled a hammock (need to rest). I rested there, still concerned for my husband. The bus was filling up as I remembered my car (life path) and rushed out to park it in a designated space, worried it would be towed or worse. My car was a red sports car. When I parked it I made sure to engage the emergency brake (need to slow down).

As I ran toward the bus, I screamed at the driver to wait for my husband and asked someone about parking. I was reassured that my car could park there for 5 days.

As I climbed into the bus, the driver spoke over the intercom that the bus was about to leave, except it felt like a train (life’s journey is on track) now. He began to count down except I heard the numbers counting up. Passengers were rushing onto the bus as we got ready to depart. Two men entered but I couldn’t see their faces. I assumed they must be my husband and his friend, but I couldn’t tell for sure. I relaxed into my hammock seat as the bus/train departed.

When I woke a song was going through my head:

The part repeating in my head was this part:

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes

I was thinking about a message I had gotten a while back about October. I remember hearing, “You will have a heart attack.” I thought to my guidance, “Guess that isn’t gonna happen?” It kinda made me sad but I don’t know why.

There has been this weird void feeling for a few days now that is reminiscent of other times in my life. These times preceded major spiritual events. It is like I get “wiped” or go through some kind of “reboot”. I often describe feeling like I am about to die. It feels like that now without the typical concern it often brings.